The Forum - Vol. 132 - Undeserved Punishment

Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering place for individuals and couples who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and FLR relationships. I hope you all had a great week.

We had some good contributions last week on spanking related phrases that are meant to get our attention, deliver a warning, let us know what we have coming, etc.  Here is my compilation, with some slight editing on my part.  I will also post these in the Tips & Methods secction:


I'll give you something to cry about.

Understood?

Did you hear what I said?

Not as sorry as you are going to be.

We will discuss this later.

Bring me the paddle.

Down on all fours and don't get up until I see tears of remorse.

I don't see tears.  Does that mean you need the cane?

So what did he do this time?

I am going to blister your behind.

I am going to set your bottom on fire.

You are going to be much sorrier.

I bet you will be good - after I finish blistering your behind.

I sure hope you won't do it again - God help you if you do.

Stop? (with increduality) Oh no, dear, we're just getting started.

You really should be ashamed that I'm having to paddle your behind like this - will you ever grow up?

Of course it hurts - you should have remembered that before misbehaving again.

There are no limits on my authority to spank you, anytime, anyplace for any reason –got that.

You have a naughty little boy inside you and when he comes out it’s my job to teach him how to behave.

You are going to be severely punished.

Lose it. (referring to a pre-spanking erection)

Do you want me to take you upstairs and pull your pants down?

One more word and I will ...

You are going to get such a sore bottom when we get home.

You just carry on with that attitude, just carry on...

 We are going upstairs now as you definitely need a resetting.

Really?  Really?

I'll take care of that.

Infraction.

You know that's punishable.

You're too smart for your britches, and those britches are coming down.

Assume the position.

Time to bring me the paddle.

I promise this is going to be ass blistering that you won't soon forget - you'll be lucky if you can sit down for the next week."

Now go cut me a switch.

Of course it hurts. It is supposed to hurt.

Our company should be here soon, dear. Time to bring me the paddle so we can make sure you remember to behave.

And you're going to be even sorrier.

Why don't we discuss this at length, on Friday over dinner.

This week's topic was suggested in a recent comment. It is "undeserved" punishment.  Have you ever been given a disciplinary spanking for something you felt you didn't deserve?  Perhaps "caught" doing something you really didn't do? Or someone else was the real offender? Or, maybe you did something that wasn't contrary to any clearly set rule, but it was something that annoyed or aggravated your HoH, so they disciplined you for it unexpectedly?  In those circumstances, how did you react?  How did it make you feel?  Humbled?  Resentful?  Respectful?

I can't think of a circumstance where I have been punished by her for something I really didn't do or something that I didn't know was a problem for her.  The closest I can think of is a situation where I repeatedly left a chore undone, or done half-assed, and she finally had enough, ordered a spanking, and delivered a very, very hard one that evening.  It was not that it was "undeserved" per se, but this chore was not so much something assigned to me under some express rule, but something I have just always done.  Moreover, giving  a very hard spanking for not doing a chore was not a direction either of us had taken things in up until that point.  So, perhaps the right word is "unexpected" as opposed to "undeserved."  In terms of how I reacted, there was perhaps some resentment as I pulled by pants up over my very sore bottom that night, but there was also an offsetting respect.  Admiration is another good word to describe it.  I felt proud of her for addressing a situation that was pissing her off, and doing it strongly and decisively.  That reaction was one indication I had that we might have approached a fork in the road, going from something purely DD to something more FLR-oriented, with her setting the tone and direction and taking action where she thought appropriate, not just to address a violation of some rule we had expressly agreed to.

It also would be more than a little disingenuous for me to get too upset about being punished for something I didn't deserve given that, on balance, I have engaged in way more bad behavior that has gone unpunished that I should not have gotten away with.  So, being punished where not strictly deserved could be looked at as just a balancing of the scales!

I hope you all have a great weekend.

The Forum - Vol. 131 - The Power of Words

Hello all. Welcome back to this week's meeting of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our on-line gathering of men and women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

This week's topic is about the power of words.  Specifically, those words or phrases that enter the lexicon of our spanking and FLR relationships and really get our attention.  Perhaps they signal that we have crossed a behavioral line.  Or let us know that a spanking session is about to begin and we should do something to prepare.  Or, maybe a word that is particularly good at bringing about control or submission or that functions as a clear assertion of authority.

"I'll give you something to cry about" seemed to be especially popular when I was growing up.  Today, one that is gaining a more prominent place in her FLR vocabulary is "Understood?"  As in, she directs me to do something or gives me some order or direction, and follows it with the question, "Understood?"  Making me answer seems to serve multiple purposes.  It makes it a lot harder for me to later claim confusion or forgetfulness as an excuse for non-performance.  It also makes me a participant in the humbling process, forcing me to openly and verbally acknowledge her authority.  It also serves as a simple and direct assertion of that authority.

Another one she uses relative frequently is, "Not as sorry as you are going to be," following some expression of remorse or regret on my part for some bad act.

"I'm sorry for not doing the dishes [for the third time this week.]"

"Not as sorry as you are going to be."

Powerful words that make it clear that the excuses are over and a trip to her "woodshed" is imminent.

So, what words or phrases spoken in the FLR context does the disciplinarian in your relationship use to assert her authority or signal a punishment is going to happen? What words or phrases get your attention or make you go weak in the knees?  Maybe something she uses in public to let you know what you are in for -- something with meaning for just the two of you?

Let's try to put together the biggest list that we can, which I will then post in the Tips & Methods section of the blog.  It will also give us something we can pass along to our disciplinarians as suggestions for ways to verbally assert and reinforce their authority or help us get into that more submissive space that fosters these kinds of relationships.

Have a good week and, if you are new to the blog, please drop by the Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us something about yourself.

The Forum - Vol. 130 - Polls & Tools

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of folks participating or interested in Female Led Relationships.  Thank you all for making this a part of your week.

I decided to combine a couple of topics this week, as I'm not sure either can support a conversation on its own.  First, a few weeks ago I polled everyone regarding to whom, if anyone, they have revealed their DD or FLR relationship.  We've talked before about whether couples have chosen to "out" themselves, but I had not tried until these polls to quantify it in any way or to figure out if there are any discernible patterns in who disclosed or to whom.  Here are the results, from a little over 100 respondents for each poll:

Question 1: Other than you partner, how many other people know about your DD/FLR relationship?

No one knows	58 (53%)
1 -2 others	28 (25%)
3-5 others	6   (5%)
More than 5	16 (14%)

Question 2: Other than you partner, who knows about your DD/FLR relationship?

No one	56  (53%)
Member(s) of her family	20  (19%)
Member(s) of his family	6   (5%)
Friend(s) of his	15   (14%)
Friend(s) of hers	34   (32%)
Co-worker(s) of his	3   (2%)
Co-worker(s) of hers	7   (6%)
One or more of our kids	4   (3%)
One or more of our parents	15   (14%)

The only clear pattern I see is that, as we have seen in previous discussions, people guard their DD and FLR relationships pretty closely.  Slightly more than half let no one at all in on the secret, and the next highest category was only one or two others. Though I suppose instead of saying that half of our readers keep things secret, that same statistic could be spun as almost half have told at least one other person, indicating that while people may not be taking out a billboard ad proclaiming their relationship, they are not so scared of people finding out that they have kept it completely to themselves.

Those who have chosen to let others in on it seem to favor telling friends slightly more than family and much more than co-workers, though the poll allowed people to choose more than one category.  One difference that does seem large enough to have some reality is that friends of hers seem to be in on the secret at almost double the rate of his friends.  I don't find that at all surprising, but I would be interested if others have thoughts on why.  Same with family members -- hers are let in on the secret at more than double the rate of his.  That one surprises me a little bit more, and I would be interested in hearing anything about the dynamic underlying that sharing, i.e. is it sisters talking to each other, a mother advising her daughter to pick up the paddle, etc.? I guess I really should not be surprised by any of this, since it really seems to reduce to women share and communicate more than men -- not exactly an earth shattering revelation.


The other topic for this week is spanking tools and implements, specifically whether you have a recommended source.  This one extends from a conversation I had with another blogger about where to buy a really good, unique and high quality paddle.  We have a variety of paddles and other instruments, but we don't have anything that I would see as a work of real craftsmanship.  I know that newcomers to this lifestyle often literally don't know where to start, i.e. where to buy instruments suitable for real punishment, given that the local "novelty" shops generally restrict their inventory to cheap leather crap that's suited only for mild "funishment" scenes.  I've tried not to turn this blog into a product endorsement site, so I don't have links to spanking suppliers, but we all should try to be a resource to each other.  So, do you have a supplier of paddles, straps, whips, etc. that you have found to be trustworthy and to have good products?

I hope you all have a good week.

The Forum Vol. 129 -- Lying & Revised Guestbook

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. I'm sorry for bailing out last week.  Life has gotten very busy again.  It does that sometimes, which is annoying -- but better than the alternative by a longshot.

Today's topic is simple and, surprisingly, one that I don't recall doing before, at least not as a stand-alone topic. 

Lying.  Specifically, have you ever lied to avoid a spanking?  How about lying to her about whether you obeyed a rule she set?

This topic hit close to home for me a few weeks ago.   There was a personal behavior issue on my part she was making some effort to address.  Which is great, because as we have tried to move into a real FLR, something more than just disciplining me for bad acts, she has sometimes struggled to be very directive about what she wants.  This time, she gave me a direct order, setting a limit on my behavior.  But, complying would have meant interrupting something I wanted to do. Worse yet, I had already exceeded the limit she had given me.  So, I ignored the order, while simultaneously lying about the behavior.  That is always a dangerous thing, but like many personal behavior issues, our spouse's ability to detect non-compliance may be limited.  But, wives often have their ways.

Now, ultimately, I did do the right thing.  One way my wife "finds shit out" is via a journal I started keeping a year or so ago.   In this case, after hemming and hawing with my own conscience for a while, I finally owned up to things in a journal entry.  It was a very hard thing to make myself do,  because it sucks owning up to it when you have done something wrong; sucks more to own up to it after you have lied about doing something wrong; and sucks even more when you know that owning up to it will and should result in one or more hard spankings.

How about you?  Ever lied to your wife about your compliance with one of her rules? Did you do it to avoid a spanking?  How did that work out?  Does she have ways to find out how you are behaving? What happens if she catches the lie?

I also wanted to both address one comment from last week and, in the process, try to reinvigorate one feature of this blog -- the Guestbook.  Anonymous left a long series of topic questions.  Originally, I thought about just using them all as a topic this week, basically allowing everyone to give a global "summing up" of their DD relationship of sorts.  But, upon review, many of the individual topics were things we have not only done before, but done often and recently.  It occurred to me, however, that some of these might make good ongoing prompts for the Guestbook.  What is the Guestbook, many of you may ask?  If you look at the top of the blog, under the title and introductory blurb there is a strip of buttons with links to certain features, one of which is the Guestbook.  As originally envisioned, it was a place for people to drop by and tell something about themselves, while not being bound by a weekly topic.  That is still really the vision, but the plain fact is the thing has just never caught on.  Which is unfortunate, because there was a Guestbook feature on the Disciplinary Wives Club website that I really enjoyed, particularly when I was just starting out in DD and wanted to get all the information I could from people who were really practicing this lifestyle.  I'm not quite sure why the one on this blog has never gotten much activity, particularly given that we get about 1,000 page views a day, but I will try to give it another try.  If you feel like telling everyone something about yourself, something that doesn't necessarily address the weekly topic, please consider stopping by the Guestbook, with its new set of prompts.

Have a great week.

No Post Tomorrow

Hi all.  Just a "heads up" that I won't be able to do the weekly post tomorrow, as I will be out and not near a computer.  I hope you all have a great weekend. 

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 128 - Post-Discipline Sex

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. 

I hope you all had a great week.  I have been working and traveling so much that neither discipline nor this week's gloss on it have really been much of an issue.  But, let's go for it anyway.  It's a topic raised by Anna, namely what role does sex play after a disciplinary spanking? For some couples, the intimacy following a spanking includes sex.  Others never have sex after a spanking, fearing that mixing the two also sends mixed messages.  Do you have a rule or standard practice when it comes to mixing discipline and sex?

Have a great week.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 127 - Safe Words

Hi all.  Sorry for the late start today.  I was tied up with something and not close to a computer.

Well, that was a lively discussion on consensual non-consent. Seventy comments (including my replies).  I'm not sure we've hit that many before.

This week's topic is tangentially related to consent.

"Safe Words."  A word some people agree to that can be used to call a halt to the action when it gets too hard, too extreme, outside the recipient's comfort zone,  if there is real injury or danger of an injury, etc.

Do you use a safe word in your DD relationship?  We don't, and my sentiment regarding them is expressed succinctly in the above captioned photo -- if you can call an end to it any time you want, then it's not really discipline.  For us, the whole point of DD is putting my butt's fate in her hands, letting her decide when enough is enough, and making sure that some punishments are way more than I want to repeat.  A safe word seems to me to be an import from BDSM that seems inconsistent with the primary goals of domestic discipline, at least to the extent it can be used to call an end to a spanking just because it is hurting too much, i.e. where there is no medical issue, injury, etc. that demands a stop or some kind of adjustment

 What do you think?  Yes or no on safe words?  Are there some situations (medical emergency, real injury, etc.) where it is appropriate but others (the spanking just hurts a lot) where it is just trying to avoid the punishment itself and should not be allowed?  (Note:  An earlier version of this post lacked this clarification.  I have edited to the post to reflect the comments made by KD, below, which raised this important caveat about medical issues, etc.)   If you do use one, care to share what it is?

Hope you have a great week.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 126 - Consensual Non-Consent

Hi all.  Welcome to the Disciplined Husbands Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in domestic discipline and Female Led Relationships.

What a week.  Last week's topic was devoted to work issues, though I hardly needed the topic to keep my mind fully occupied with work.  I began the year a little stressed out because a huge project ended in December, we were off to a slow start for the new year, and I just don't do well with downtime.  I'm kind of like those Jack Russell Terriers that tear the house apart not because they are bad, but because they are bored.  I've learned that even when we are crushingly busy, that is a much better place for me mentally than having downtime.  Except, I have to remind myself to be careful what I wish for, and that is what I am experiencing right now.  Too much work, too few hours in the day.  But, it is better than the alternative.

It was an interesting topic last week, capped off with a flurry of postings from one Anonymous commenter who I had invited to expand on a comment from a couple of weeks ago.  I think he is the only reader I have encountered who not only uses DD to enhance work performance, but really uses it only for work.  Maybe that suggests a future topic about the extent to which our couples compartmentalize DD, using it to address some categories of issues while excluding others. But, that's not our topic for today.

This week's topic is about consent.   Particularly what I have seen referred to as "consensual non-consent."  I can feel KD Pierre cringing, because he and I have seen this topic take a bunch of twists and turns in another forum.  But, it is a hard one for me to even describe, so I invite KD and others to really pitch in helping drive this one.  In a nutshell, my question is, what role does consent play in your DD relationship, what are its limits, and is it necessary or even desirable?  This topic suggests a pretty big range of subtopics:

• Was your DD relationship "imposed" on you in some way?  For example, did your wife finally get fed up with your behavior and tell you that she was going to spank you?  If so, did you agree to it readily, or was there some kind of threat or coercion (ending the relationship, perhaps) employed to get you to comply?
• Have you ever been spanked against your will?  How did that come about?
• Does your consent to the overall DD relationship imply that you have consented to be spanked whenever your HoH wants, even if you do not think it is "fair" or "deserved" at that time?  By entering into a DD relationship have you, in effect, consented to be spanked whenever she wants, even if you do not consent to a particular spanking?
• Is lack of consent a positive in your DD relationship?  In other words, is part of the attraction to DD or FLR that that there is an involuntary element to it?  Does part of you need that element of "non-consent" in order for it to feel like you really are being controlled or dominated?

When I first visited the DWC website, there were two stories in the "Fiction" section that really got to me.  One, entitled "Even More" involved the husband asking his wife for the DD relationship.  That seems to be how these get initiated a big majority of the time in the real world, and it was how ours began.  It did get to me, largely because it was realistic,  and it closely fit where I was at the time -- a husband who had discovered DD, was interested in exploring it, but having no idea what I was getting myself into having never had a "real" spanking as an adult.  There was, however, another story, called "Pretty Legs" that involved a much less voluntary scenario.  A wife announced out of the blue that she intended to spank her husband for a particular bit of bad behavior, and that spanking him would be her prerogative going forward.   He was not exactly fully on board with the concept. Here is a quote that sums it up, after he expresses more than a little reluctance and asks her to just forget about the bad behavior:

"At that point Becky's look became determined; her voice quiet, but assured. "I will forget it after I have brought you to tears, dear, then all will be forgiven. But I don't want you to think for one instant that there is ANY way you can avoid my spanking you. There isn't. And furthermore, in the future, I shall make it a practice to spank you whenever I feel you need it, and you will accept it as you did your mother's spankings. Most men can profit from a dose of maternal discipline, and from now on you will be one of the lucky ones.""

That non-consensual aspect was definitely part of what both fascinated and terrified me about DD, and that has not changed that much even today.

So, what role does consent, and "consensual non-consent" play in your DD or FLR relationship?

I also added a couple of polls on how many people know about your DD relationship and who they are, if any.

Hope you have a great week.

Dan

The Disciplined Husbands Forum -- Vol. 125 -- DD's Role in the Workplace

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and FLR relationships. I hope you had a great week. 


Last week, one of our commenters gave a glimpse of an FLR system that is geared toward addressing work-related issues, not household chores and personal behavior problems.  As he described it:  "[W]e began a FLR relationship that is focused not on home-life but my job. Her discipline to me is about my job performance, not the chores that I do. I have to tell her how my work is going and where my shortfalls are. She punishes me for those areas where I could have done better (based upon my self-reported on my performance)."

The way this commenter described both his work life (all consuming), its impact on him, and the centrality of his work role to his family's well-being struck a chord with me.  Hell, his description of his life is something I could just cut and paste into my Blogger profile description.  This follows on a comment a few months ago from a guy who talked about how his stressful job caused him to flame out on those around him, which caused him to be less successful than he could have been.  He eventually left that job and started his own shop, but the behavior problems got in the way.  With the help of his former boss and current disciplinarian, he got his act together, started treating everyone better at work, and his productivity soared.

All of this really hits home with me.  I have had a pretty successful career, but it could always be better, and the areas in which I fail tend to result from me shooting myself in the foot.  Temper problems.  Criticizing loudly every bit of bureaucratic stupidity.  Driving everyone around me to be as "Type A" as I am.  And to be perfectly honest, like most people, I don't always live up to my own standards.  Too many items stay on the "to do" list for too long.  My follow-through isn't always flawless.  In short, there are aspects of my work-related performance that could use some help.

How about you?  Have you ever used domestic discipline to address workplace issues?  Are you ever punished, or do you ever punish your significant other, for misbehaving at work?  For not being productive?  For mistreating colleagues, subordinates or superiors?  How do you find out about those problems?  Whether you are the disciplinarian or the disciplined partner, what impact if any does DD have on your job role? 

Have a great week.

Dan

The Disciplined Husbands Forum - Vol. 124 -- The Plan vs. The Reality

Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Disciplined and Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

Thanks for all the input on our "tears" and "immediate consequences" topics.  On the former, it's hard to say that any general pattern emerged.  Some men cry and some don't.  For those who do, some but not all found it much easier to do after the first time.  In terms of the formula, the only general truth seems to be that the physical pain is not enough, and may not even be a particularly significant component for some.  I did get the sense, rightly or wrongly, that just as I seem to be an anomaly where lack of early interest in spanking is concerned, I also may be on the fringes where this combination of fascination and dread of tears is concerned.  As I said in the post, my original attraction to, yet terror at the prospect of, really sobbing during a DD spanking was by far the most emotionally charged driver of my compulsion to suggest this lifestyle to my wife.  Here we are ten years later, and it still hasn't happened.  If part of the goal of DD is submitting to her authority, I do feel like part of me is still failing to do that if I can't give in and cry.  But, we will I suppose just have to see what time brings.

The discussion did highlight that for most people, "immediate consequences" following a disciplinary infraction is the preference, though one that is hard to achieve.  Particularly for those with kids around.  I am convinced that the presence of children, or lack thereof, is one reason that one of our polls showed the DD population tilted so heavily toward the over-50, post child-rearing crowd.  Something I had not really thought about was whether it was possible to build in an incentive for the disciplinarian to take things in hand quickly, then Ed described the 24-Hour Rule in his household, in which his wife either delivers the spanking within 24 hours or he is off the hook.  That sounds to me like a step in the right direction.

I am still finding myself a little uninspired when it comes to new and original weekly topics.  Now that we have a few years under our belt, I need to go back to some of the early stuff and do some recycling.   This week's topic, however, is something that may not be totally original since we've touched on this theme a bit before, but it was suggested by one of our regular commenters and has not really been done as an independent topic.

The topic is, has your DD relationship changed significantly from the original vision and goals?

For us, while many things have stayed the same, there have undoubtedly been surprises along the way.  Especially the last year.

It's hard to say that we really had a vision for DD when we started.  We didn't even really know what it was.  I had never heard of anything like it before I encountered the DWC website.  So, all I really knew was I wanted to try something like "that," whatever "that" was.  For her, I think she was genuinely attracted to something that gave her a means of exercising more control, venting some frustrations, and exacting some penance.  Of course, the overarching goal was for me to have an incentive to behave better.  Beyond that, we really had no idea exactly what we were getting into.  One thing that is reasonably clear, however, is there was no explicit goal to have a much broader power exchange.  Yes, we wanted to help build up her authority and confidence, but it was all very centered on this central idea of spanking as punishment for particular behavior.  Very much like how Fred characterizes his relationship.

Over the last year, that limited vision began to morph into something different.  It really began, I think, when this blog started getting some participation from Disciplinary Wives who had taken that next step into "Head of Household" status.  Their descriptions of the level of control they exercised reinforced my own deep-seated needs to have boundaries imposed.  I think DD does that, but in the form we were doing it the emphasis was really on the consequences for crossing a line, and not so much about how and by whom the line gets set in the first place.  The "rules' that we had in place--those things that would result in a spanking--were something we both agreed on, and often something I suggested.  But, an HoH system goes beyond that.  It is about not just enforcing the rules, but actually making them.

Interactions with our strong Disciplinary Wives, and especially with one FLR blogger, Rhiannon at http://learningandlivingaflr.blogspot.com led me to start pondering the possibility of expanding from Domestic Discipline into something like an FLR/HOH relationship.

Angela and I talked about it and have taken baby steps in that direction over the last year.  It has not been easy, and there is definitely an aspect of "be careful what you wish for, you might get it" in this experimentation.  The most conspicuous example of that is around what I call "service domination," where she can, and to my chagrin increasingly does, direct me to do more chores around the house and things of that nature.

 It's not the chores themselves that bother me.  I've always been pretty good about carrying my weight on things like that. It really is being ordered to drop what I am doing (frequently work) and respond to some impromptu command to bring in the groceries, or take out the trash, etc.  The irony is I suggested that she start doing that kind of commanding, but once she did, I hated it.  Unfortunately, she did not.  She kind of gets off on it, and it is the one aspect of our FLR-related vision that has really taken root.  Therein lies the challenge, of course, in implementing a real change in the power relationship and in designating a real Head of Household.  It creates an actual hierarchy of decision-makers and, if you are the person at the lower level in the hierarchy, you do what you are told regardless of whether you enjoy it. 

In fact, you may be doing it precisely because you don't like it, because submission that is easy really isn't submission and the goal is to force you to stretch to submit in situations you don't like. I'm learning that is the hard part for me -- taking orders from someone.  Angela has, in fact, spanked me for not doing dishes. But, it was not the spanking itself that was the hardest part to take.  Rather, it was the order to do something that was more of a priority for my HoH than it was for me, and recognizing that now that we appointed her HoH it is her priorities that count and not my own.

So, with that every long-winded account of how our goals and vision have changed, how about yours?

Have a great week.  And, go Broncos!

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 123 -- Immediate Consequences & Tears cont.

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  

Thanks to everyone who weighed in last week on the topic of tears.  The one group we didn't hear from much was the disciplinary wives.  A few posted comments, but none posted anything on the question I asked about how bringing the husband to tears affects them.  (Merry wanted to weigh in on the question but has not yet brought her partner to tears.)  I would still love to hear from the Wives on this, and also anything they would care to share regarding their own journey on this issue.  Did you set out wanting to make your husband cry?  Were you reluctant to do so?  How does it feel now -- empowering, satisfying, or something else.  So, in the interests of hearing more from the wives, I want to leave the tears topic open for another week.

Following up on another topic that was suggested a few weeks and also was suggested by DWC Fred's most recent comment, let's talk about prompt behavior correction.  Is spanking immediately after an offense the goal?  If so, what are the impediments to making it happen?  Kids? Jobs? Other interfering events or people? What ways have you worked out to get around those distractions and interferences?  Conversely, is prompt punishment really an unqualified good?  What role does anticipation play?  Is it better to order a punishment and let him stew on it for awhile? I wasn't spanked that often as a kid, but I definitely remember the anxiety that accompanied my mother announcing, "Just wait until your father gets home."  Is there a value in allowing for that time to think about consequences, letting the anticipating build?

I can really argue this one from both perspectives.  I do feel like spankings might work better as real behavior correction if the consequences for bad behavior were more immediate.  On the other hand, there is a certain emotional tension that comes with knowing I will be spanked sometime soon, but not knowing exactly when.  

So, please share your thoughts on immediate punishment, making it happen, and whether it is, in fact, what should happen.  And please continue to tell us anything you want about tears.  I'm really hoping to hear more from the wives on this one.  

Welcome back to a way to initiate prompt behavior correction.

The Forum -- Vol. 122 -- Tears

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.

Last week's discussion was about multiple spankings -- spankings delivered in close succession.  That lead pretty naturally into some comments about tears, given the intensity and sheer painfulness of getting multiple, back-to-back blisterings.

Tears.  It is a topic that I consciously try not to overdo on this Forum, not because I am not interested in it.  Precisely the opposite. Left to my own devices, I would probably talk about it every week.  As I said when we last addressed this as a full topic (back in December of 2014), the prospect of tears was really the most significant driver of the emotional reaction I had when I discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club website.  And it was really what distinguished Domestic Discipline from anything else I had seen involving adult spankings.  The stories of men being brought to tears over their wives knees both fascinated me and truly, utterly terrified me.  The thought of letting go of control so thoroughly, submitting to another person so completely, that I would sob in front of my wife while she paddled my bottom was anxiety-inducing to an extent that is really hard to over emphasize.  Yet, the prospect of experiencing that kind of catharsis was also a major impetus for my decision to broach the topic of DD with her.  But, in doing so, I really did half-hope that she would not be interested, because the prospect of being brought to tears just terrified me so much.

So, here we are many years later, and I still have not cried, even as the result of spankings that I think anyone would acknowledge fall into the "severe" range.  That is what I said back in 2014, and it is where we still are today.  I am not alone.  The discussion over a year ago included a user poll, which showed that more than half the respondents had never cried at all, and only about a quarter had gotten to a point of real sobbing.

No crying	49 (48%)
Yes - only a few tears	26 (25%)
Yes - real sobbing	27 (26%)

In the comments that started last week, Anna said she wanted to hear about what holds men back from crying.  I do think that the inability to let go emotionally is a big part of it, but not the only part.  For me, there seem to be a lot of factors at play, including:

(1) I have a lead bottom -- an abnormally high pain threshold.
(2) Spankings are sometimes severe in terms of impact but not always in terms of duration, because my bottom starts to bleed (usually very minor, but enough that it makes her stop).  I think the duration may be important.  Like I am already near my limit, but I know it is not even close to ending. 
(3) "Severity" can have its pros and cons, because some of her tools result in a numb bottom after several swats, rendering the rest of the spanking relatively ineffective.
(4) My wife doesn't do any real "warm up," and I think that is actually counter-productive, because instead of easing myself into submitting to the experience, I instantly "brace myself" and get into that "take it like a man" head space that is hard to get out of.  Similarly, her lectures at this point are not really stern enough to break me down emotionally before the spanking even starts, and I think that may be an important part of the formula.
(5) Finally, I do have a very deep-seated fear of embarrassment that keeps me from quite letting go fully and completely.

Now, it's not like there hasn't been progress over our time doing DD, and especially over the last year.  A big step forward was the rubber paddles we bought last year, which really hurt significantly more than any other tool she's used.  About a month ago, we had one session where I came pretty close, and it was the combination of the heavy rubber paddle, and a bottom that had gone unspanked for several weeks and was especially tender.  So, while I do agree that severity is not the only factor that goes into producing tears, I do think it is pretty important.  Though, it obviously is not itself sufficient in most cases.  Soldiers in battle may lose a limb and still not cry.  So, the physical pain clearly is only one part of the puzzle.

In terms of subtopics, I will leave this one totally wide open.  I am personally very interested in hearing personal stories from those of you who didn't cry initially, but somehow got there over time. What changed?  For those of you like me who haven't, is it something you hope will happen? I would also really like to hear from the wives about how they reacted to the tears.  Did it cause you any angst or lead you to retreat in any way from the process, because of concerns about hurting him "too much?"  Or, conversely, was it satisfying in some way, like it showed you were really taking care of business?

As I said, for me this really is THE domestic discipline topic that really gets my attention, so I am really looking forward to hearing from you all on this one.

I hope you all have a great week.

Dan

The Fourm - Vol. 121 - Multiples

Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you had a great week.  Thanks to everyone who commented on our boot camp topic.  I was surprised at how many of our regulars have done boot camps or something like one. 

During the course of commenting on last week's topic, Alan observed: "I know some of the worst spankings I have ever received have been double spankings where I have been spanked for two different behavior issues separated only by corner time between the first and second. Almost as bad are spankings within a day or two of the first one."

Is this something you have experienced?  Two or more really hard punishment spankings back to back or within a day or two?  I can think of only one time she has spanked me twice within  a few days and it was, as Alan said, an awful experience.  If she were to crank up things that much on a regular basis, I'm sure I would be scared to death of re-offending.

Have a great week.

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 120 - Boot Camps

 Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  Our first real post-holiday meeting of 2016. 

Our edition on resolutions was about as big a flop this year as in years past.  Myself and a few other people into the concept.  Many others who reject it categorically.  Looking back over the last week -- I may have to concede the detractors are right.  Pretty much every single one of my non-DD resolutions already lie in tatters on the floor.  Low-carb diet?  Blew right through that one in a flurry of burgers and fries last night, and the rest of the week wasn't all that much better.  No  more than two drinks at a sitting?  There was not a single night this week in which I had less than two drinks!  (Ever notice how those drinking and dietary goals seem to rise and fall together?)  Unfortunately, this is what tends to happen to me around holidays and when work slows down.  The focus goes from getting the work done to working relationships to keep the pipeline of projects flowing.  And somehow those relationships always seem to involve, "Want to grab a beer or two this week?"  Oh well.  We stumble.  We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off.  Forward.

One of the resolutions I raised and do still hope to fulfill is doing a self-directed "DD Boot Camp."  This is a relatively new concept for me.  I had never heard of it until a few weeks ago, when I was visiting a DD on-line forum.  Most of the participants are in a M/f dynamic but have been quite welcoming to those of us in F/m dynamics.  Several of the participants were talking about the intensity of their "boot camp" experiences, and I inquired about what exactly a "boot camp" is, knowing that if it was any kind of group activity, it would be a non-starter for my wife.  As it turns out, it is not a group session of any sort.  Instead, it is a structured one or two day self-directed program designed to be an introduction, or intensification, of the domestic discipline relationship.

One of the participants was kind enough send me a "book" on the subject.  It was really more like a long .pdf pamphlet, which you can find in a couple of places.  There is a link available on the author's blog, Learning Domestic Discipline: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/11/boot-camp-book-now-available.html.  It also seems to be available as an e-book on Amazon.  If you decide to take a look, two words of warning.  First, it is one of those "five pages of helpful information crammed into a 50-page book" kind of things.  But, it is a quick read for that same reason.  Second, it is very much written from the "Christian Domestic Discipline" perspective, with a M/f orientation.  I personally don't have much problem ignoring the religious overtones and switching up the gender orientation in my head, but if you aren't able to do that easily, it will not be your cup of tea.

The program itself is pretty simple, reflecting its "DD for beginners" orientation.  It needs to be done in private, which means finding a place to be alone together for a full day or two.  There are a series of structured "homework" exercises and couple discussions, basically designed to get both parties on the same page about what they do and do not want from a DD relationship, what their "hard limits" may be, etc.  There also are a series (three per day) of spankings, of escalating intensity. They are designed to help get both parties, but particularly the disciplinarian, past the mental and emotional blocks involved in "hurting" the other party and exercising and submitting to authority.  During the time the couple is in this "retreat" kind of environment, there is some emphasis in staying in character with one of them being clearly dominant and making all the decisions and the other staying in their submissive role throughout.  That is, by the way, the third caveat:  This approach is more of a Dominance/submission dynamic than a very limited DD "punishment for specific misbehavior" approach.

That's the gist.  I do feel like for us, something like this would be worth doing. 

Have others done anything like a Boot Camp?  Any desire to?

I hope you have a great week.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 119 - Resolutions

Another year come and gone.  2014 was not a great one for me.  Work was stagnant, and so was a lot of the rest of my life.  I really was not very sorry to see it in the rearview mirror.  2015?  Totally different story.  It was a roller-coaster from virtually day one, but in a good way.  Good in terms of the way I like to live, anyway.  Fast paced.  Downright frenetic.  Stretching.  Growing.  Getting out of my comfort zone, way out over my skis. Then, somehow pulling it off before disaster strikes.  Better yet, I was aware that it was a big year, as I was in it.  That is not always the case.  I had a similar year (though on a smaller scale) some time back, and I really didn't recognize how special it was until I looked back in late December and listed all the positive movement.  We often live these disconnected existences, looking back at the past with longing, or blaming things in the past for our current state.  Or, we long for a future different from what we have, putting all our energy into imagining some ideal future state in which enough of our problems will have gone away that we will finally give ourselves permission to be happy.  Or, just to be content.  It is rare that we have a year of living in the midst of the storm, while being fully aware that is is a storm, but that the storm, with all its lightning and thunder and battering winds, is exciting and even fun.   I can't say that I was FULLY aware and engaged at all times in 2015, but I was there for a lot of it.  So, unlike 2014, I bid 2015 a fond farewell, with a bit of regret at seeing it pass. 

As longer-term readers know, I like resolutions.  I like setting goals. I know I won't always hit them, but it's amazing what you can accomplish over time if you are able to improve incrementally day by day, week by week, year by year. On the other hand, I admit to being a little depressed when I look back at old blog and journal entries and realize that I seem to wrestle with some of the same challenges year after year.  Last year, I posted a list of some of my resolutions for 2015.  Here is how I did: 

General Resolutions

 I hereby resolve to:

• have fewer Saturdays spent regretting my Friday work-related socializing [FAILED]
• earn to better control my temper at work [FAILED]
• nurture those important relationships, both work and personal, that sometimes don't get the time or attention they deserve [SLIGHTLY BETTER]
• Exit 2015 in better physical shape than I entered into it, as measured by pant size, blood pressure, strength and endurance [MIXED.  Strength and endurance up, but so was my weight, though pant-size stayed the same]

Domestic Discipline Resolutions

I hereby resolve to:

• self-report any infractions at least weekly [FAILED]
• empower my wife to grow in her disciplinary authority, including by showing more outward signs of submission to her control [FAIR]
• during spankings, instead of "taking it like a man," try hard to let go all ego and control, surrendering totally to her authority [FAIR]

What I find fascinating when I look back at these is, I failed or only marginally improved in goal after goal, yet, as a whole, 2015 turned out to be a great year.  This demonstrates the necessity of keeping an open mind and enjoying what you get, even if it is not what you thought you wanted.  You can have a really great year even if it goes in a totally different direction than you intended.

The other interesting aspect to my resolutions where DD was concerned is that I failed at so many of the specific goals I set, yet the year as a whole was probably the most transformative we have had since starting domestic discipline a decade ago.  While far, far from where we want it to be, her authority and willingness to exercise it grew by leaps and bounds.   My ability to really submit grew, though it was an internal fight every step of the way.

So, where do we go for 2016?  Here are some thoughts.  Although given how 2015 turned out, I know these are, at best, kind of like looking at a map to lay out a route for traveling from one coast to another.  On a journey of that length, there are going to be detours.  Road closures.  Unexpected diversions.  Long-anticipated sight-seeing that leaves you flat and thinking, "Well, I drove 500 miles to see that?"  But, also, wondrous sights and sounds and tastes that you never knew were out there but were waiting right around the next bend.  With that all in mind, I'm keeping these a little more "thematic" this year, letting the details work themselves out, though I am putting in a couple of specific, concrete ones related to Domestic Discipline.  I'm also mixing up goals related to DD with  others that are more generally applicable to things I need to do to advance the ball over 2015.

RESOLUTIONS: 2016

• Empower my wife as HoH.  This is a little different than the goal for 2015, because it focuses on enabling her overall authority, not just her disciplinary authority.
• Do a one or two-day self-directed domestic discipline "boot camp" in which we spend those days alone, without distractions, with her fully and consistently leading and me following.
• Let loose and really cry during a spanking.
• Where information and content is concerned, produce more than I consume.  For all the time I put into this blog, I spend 10x mindlessly reading other blogs, reading the news, reading books, etc.  That's all well and good and keeps me well-informed, but to what end?  99% of the information I consume has no impact at all on my life.  Unfortunately, some variation on this one has appeared on many of my resolution lists, and I never quite pull it off.  
• Apply whatever growth I achieve in being more submissive and accepting at home to the workplace, blowing my top less and being more accepting of those things I don't agree with and can't immediately change. Many months ago, one of our posters who was, as I recall, in a sales position, recounted his workplace arc, where he started out as a top performer, but hit a ceiling because of the way he drove and mistreated the people around him.  His boss became his disciplinarian (I think, if I am recalling this right).  He learned to get his temper and ego under control, and his earnings soared.  That is what I want to achieve at work this year. Though, this one is, again, something that has been on  my list more than once and never really been fulfilled.

So, those are some of my resolutions for 2016.  Care to share yours?  I ask that question, knowing that every year I have broached this topic, and every year it has flopped.  But, as indicated by my own attempts at putting my personal resolutions together year after year, hope springs eternal!

Have a great week, and an awesome, consequential, meaningful 2016!

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 118 - Rules

Hi all.  Sorry for the late start today.  I would love to attribute it to Christmas travel or something of that sort.  Or, just forgetfulness.  In an even worse display of a "senior moment," I sort of lost track of the day of the week.  Apparently, not working much throws off my entire sense of time, because I somehow got it into my head that today was Friday.  I didn't realize my error until I logged on to check for comments, and saw that Hermione had updated her weekly brunch, which happens on Saturdays.   Well, now I am thoroughly bummed knowing I have one less weekend day ahead of me than I thought!

Not having thought of any topics myself, I am going to take Fred's timely suggestion that we talk about rules.  Many of us in disciplinary relationships maintain some list of bad behaviors that are likely to earn a session with her (or his) paddle.  When we first began this DD journey, we tried to build in some formality, with a list of prohibited behaviors, which was accompanied by a presumptive minimum number of swats for each offense.  Over the years, some of the formality has dropped away.  Though, I'm not sure the number of rules, officially recognized or otherwise, has dropped much. In fact, this last year arguably included an increase, as she had never before punished me for things like not doing the dishes.

In Fred's comment, he included the following list of rules/infractions:

Must control temper(very serious if wife is recipient).
Demean or criticize wife (on golf course or in public -very serious)
Must be considerate.
Must be nice to wife's friends (including some I don't like)
Must not dominate conversations when with others
Must limit alcohol to two drinks when out.
Must not drive after drinking more than two drinks.
Must treat wife and other respectfully.
Must go to the gym at least twice each week.
Must not start smoking again.
Must not interrupt wife while talking on telephone.
Must do specific chores around the house.
Must listen to wife when she wants to talk to me.
Must not treat wife like a secretary.
Must not drive unsafely or too fast when with wife, family or friends.
Must never be critical of own children when with others.
Must not be overly negative or grumpy especially if it affects wife or others.
Behavioral indiscretions that I should know better than engage in.

Our list would be pretty similar, though perhaps a little more vague.  Things that will usually earn me a paddling include:

--  Too much alcohol (more than 2 or 3 drinks)
--  Showing her disrespect
--  Not doing various chores around the house.
--  Doing or saying something inconsiderate that hurts her or the kids' feelings

We talk about things like not working out regularly, and work-related behavior like losing my temper or getting into a quarrel with someone I shouldn't, as qualifying for a spanking.  In reality, however, those things never really seem to result in punishment independently, i.e. they are punished only as one more item on a list that includes something that has an immediate impact on her.

How about you? What rules govern your disciplinary relationship?  What are the big "no-no's" that land you on the Naughty List?

I hope you all had a great Christmas!  Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Dan

Merry Christmas

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year..  I hope you all get what you need for Christmas, regardless of whether it is what you want.

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 117 -- Labels

Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you all had a great week.  I can really feel 2015 winding down.  It has been one of the busiest, if not THE busiest year I have had in my adult life.  It has been a roller-coaster start to finish and, for the most part, that is really good.  But, in all honesty, I am not unhappy to feel the pace slow a little as the holidays come upon us.  I hope you all also have had a great year, and one of the highlights of mine has been the weekly conversations with you all.

In addition to the frenetic pace, 2015 was a year of transformation, both personally and in terms of my DD relationship.  As I have talked about a bit in past posts, we have been practicing DD for close to a decade, but the overall dynamic really didn't change much over that time.  Corporal punishment was used for offenses, but that was really the extent of the exchange of power and authority.  That changed this year, and it was really the result of this growing little community.  My interaction with commenters and bloggers who were in Female Led Relationships involving a more substantial transfer of authority got me interested in going down that path, and while we are not very far along it yet, there has been progress.

With this change in the underlying nature of our relationship and, to some extent, the focus of this blog, has come more interactions with people who are in more classical Dominance and submission relationships.  While what they are doing is similar to what we have always talked about on this blog, the vocabulary is a little different.  When describing the roles in DD, I have tended to use labels like Disciplinary Wives and Disciplined Husbands, and I still feel like the latter is a good descriptor for what I am.  But, I am increasingly engaging with people who use more D/s style labels.  Dominants.  Submissives.  Tops.  Bottoms.  TIHs.  Many of the "subordinate" parties, for lack of a better word, have adopted the label Submissive.  I'm not there yet, and part of me really rebels at that label, even though it is increasingly where I have chosen to try to take the relationship.

All this is very long-winded way of asking, what terms or labels do you use to describe your role?  Are you a Dom, a submissive, a Leader, a Disciplinary Wife or Disciplined Husband?  Also, do you have a name or title you use with your significant other?  Ma'am, Mistress -- something like that?

I hope you all have a very, very happy holiday!

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 116

Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or interested in domestic discipline or Female Led Relationships. 

It's good to be back.  Sorry for missing last week.  Things were a little hectic. They still are, but bad habits are often acquired through small lapses, so I know I can't let missing or delaying postings become a habit.  And, I would miss all of you.

I will begin this post with a confession of sorts.  We have been in a real lull where discipline is concerned.  It has been at least two months since my bottom was last warmed, and I wish I could represent that it was because my behavior has been pristine.  Hardly.  It has just been a crazy busy time for both of us.  One big impediment has been holiday parties and other social gatherings.  Seems like we have had a social engagement virtually every Saturday for weeks, and most of our discipline happens on the weekends.  With such socializing comes over-indulging (always an issue for me and the number one reason I get punished), so at exactly the moment I most need to be reined in, it is the least likely to happen.

So, this week's topic is those lulls or pauses in the disciplinary relationship.  Have you gone through one?  Did the issue eventually fix itself, or did you change something to get the process back on course?

One option I was mulling today.  We have always waited for the bad behavior to occur, then she would order a spanking to address it.  I was considering suggesting that we instead simply presume that I will be spanked on a pre-set day each week, and the only way it will not happen is if I have been well-behaved.  It would really turn our current system on its head, because I would really need to earn my way out of each weekly spanking.  Any thoughts on whether that would be a good thing to explore?

Have a great week!

Dan

The Forum -- The Floor is Open

Hi all.  Sorry for the short--or, more accurately, belated--notice on this, but I had something come up this weekend that deprived me of the chance to come up with what I'm sure would have been a mindblowingly novel and profound weekly topic.  Unfortunately, the entire weekend is going to be a mess.  So, for this week I pass the baton to you all.  If you have anything you would like to talk about, have at it.  I will respond if and when I can. Otherwise, I look forward to chatting with you again next week.

Dan