The Forum - Vol. 200 - Humbling & Controlling

Women speak two languages — one of which is verbal. ~William Shakespeare

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I'm posting a little early because I am going to be tied up with other things tomorrow.

I hope you all had a good week. At least mine was not a repeat of the preceding one.  Work was still a little crazy and, as predicted, there was too much family stuff going on for my wife to take care of my infractions from the previous week--which I soooooooo richly deserve to happen--but I managed to avoid repeating, or bettering, the crescendo of self-destructive behavior that occurred this time last week.  So, I guess from time to time I am actually capable of getting myself in check even without her paddle doing it for me.  Though, it did solidify my belief that we really need to continually work on ways to reinforce her status and authority, while holding me more strictly accountable.  

In that vein, last week I included a link to a blog posting by J. Girl in which she talks about what she believes to be three phases of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  While I realize many of this blog's readers don't consider themselves to be in such relationships and are comfortable with Domestic Discipline all by itself, I think her discussion of what she calls Stage 2 has implications for everyone who is in a genuine disciplinary relationship, i.e. one that isn't just fun and games, whether domestic discipline or some more rigorous power exchange.  She labeled this the "Make or Break" stage.  I might also call it "accepting reality" or "surrendering."  For her, it was that stage when she came to grips with the fact she really did not like to be punished.   She talked to a friend who knew about her D/s dynamic, and who observed something to the effect of, “Of course not.  You’re not supposed to like it.  You’re being punished.”  That’s so simple, right? But, also profound and instructive.  If the punishment is real, then I am not supposed to want it.  Instead, I need to have a healthy fear of not playing by the rules we have agreed to.  I have to be genuinely afraid of consequences. I need to dislike where she is taking me but accept that it is for my own good.

What I have really been struggling with -- surprisingly so, given how long we have been at this -- is acknowledging that the reason I engage in the same behaviors over and over again is because deep down inside, I like them.  But, they are bad for me.  I have too many weeks like last week. Maybe not on that scale, but it's all just a matter of degree.  Because living that way ultimately is destructive, she gets to step in and put a stop to it.  By whatever means necessary.  And, at the time, I really dislike it.  I actively resent not being able to do what I want to do.  But, that is how real discipline is supposed to work, right?  When we were spanked or grounded as kids, we didn't like or accept that someone else got to call the shots and impose consequences when we didn't follow the rules.  But, the rules -- and the consequences for breaking them -- existed to protect us, to keep us from doing harmful things to ourselves or others, and to keep us on the straight and narrow.  So, while I really struggle to accept it when she tells me, "This week you will not . . ." it is part of a process that I know is good for me in the end. Even if it is a little like skipping the plate of brownies at work and going for a run. Or, like being sent to the principal's office for a paddling you dreaded but deep down inside knew you deserved.

Now, in order to make any kind of longer term improvement a reality, I get that I need to be humbled. And she needs to be elevated.  That's the only way it will work. I am too headstrong in my current state to really comply fully and cooperatively.  She also is still developing her Power, her Voice, her Authority.  Something that we have not really explored as a couple to accomplish those things is non-verbal communication, other than the obvious - her paddling my ass long and hard when I screw up. I am talking about more subtle communications of power, on the one hand, and submission or surrender to authority on the other. There is a lot of solid research out there showing that how we carry ourselves deeply impacts how much confidence we feel.  

Confident people take up space, and do things like putting their feet up on the desk or meeting room table:

 Their posture or demeanor says, in subtle or not so subtle ways, "I am in charge."

"And you are not."

Conversely, we can adopt postures -- voluntarily or otherwise -- that emphasize that we are not the one in control.

That we recognize and, at least in that moment, accept our own place in the hierarchy. And hers as well.

With that long-winded but hopefully visually inviting introduction, I want to open up the floor to talk about . . . kneeling on it.   Kneeling, sitting at her feet, standing with hands at your sides or behind your back while she scolds or makes you await a spanking.  Positions or postures that you are required to adopt, or that you have undertaken of your own accord, to help humble you or put you in your place.  On the other end of the paddle, are there positions she adopts to show her authority or control over you?

I hope you have a great week. If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to drop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us all a little about yourself and your DD relationship or aspirations.

The Forum - Vol. 199 - Marking & Admirning

Strong women intimidate boys and excite men. -- unknown

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

First, a shout-out to a fellow blogger who is in a DD relationship, but one of the M/f variety.  I have pointed to J Girl's blog, The Taming of the Shrew, a few times before.  Earlier this week she posted on a topic she entitled The Three Stages of a Dominant Submissive Dynamic.  https://ashrewtamed.blogspot.com/2017/03/hey-there-readers.html.  I thought it was an incredibly thoughtful portrayal of some of the ups and downs that real-life DD relationships almost inevitably go through.  Though, I will have to take her word on what Stage 3 might look and feel like.  We are, at most, somewhere in Stage 2, and I don't know whether we would actually want to take it to the Stage 3 she describes.  Perhaps.  But, it's hard to say.  I can't rule it out, since it was just a year or so ago that we started going beyond DD to a deeper Female Led dynamic.

This was one of those weeks that makes me question sometimes the extent to which I really do want this kind of relationship, while at the same time affirming why I need it.  It has been a couple of really tough weeks at work.  I've been traveling constantly.  Lots of after work socializing. I also had one of the people on my team go into full-blown Drama Queen mode, requiring me to play career counselor over several beers.  My way through all this was to go way Alpha, powering through this pretty dysfunctional time by sheer force of will powered by adrenaline and caffeine, followed by a lot of bad airplane wine as a stress reliever.  For a while, I actually started thinking, "This is who I am.  Part of me likes being this way, and it makes me good at what I do.  Maybe I just need to embrace it instead of trying to balance it or contain it."  Which is all well and good, until I hit a Saturday like this where I am so tired that it really feels almost like a form of psychosis, and I realize that living like that just isn't sustainable, and eventually something is going to break or I am going to break something or someone in a way that can't be fixed.  So, as much as I really don't want to be controlled or contained right now, I know that I need to be, and that I will be healthier for it.  But, I come to this realization just as Spring Break starts, meaning kids will be underfoot almost non-stop, making it harder for her to assert herself and get me under control.  Again, real life interferes with the fantasy.

Now, on to other things.  DWC Fred posted a great comment last week, describing his DD dynamic and how he is spanked.  He noted that his spankings generally leave his bottom marked for several days.  That is this week's topic.  Do your disciplinary spankings generally leave marks, welts or bruises that last more than a few hours?

(Yes, I realize this is a female bottom, but we do have a few M/f or F/f visitors.  And, this one was just too enticing not to share.)

Is marking or "blistering" an explicit goal?

When it is over, does your Disciplinarian inspect her handiwork?

Does she take pride in the tangible evidence of a job well done?

(He will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this one is one of our KD Pierre's pieces.  I have a link to his website over to the right.)

This is an area that has changed for us over time, not as a result of any change in the intensity of her spankings, but apparently due to a change in my physiology.  When we first started Domestic Discipline, any significant spanking would leave me very badly bruised.  That doesn't happen nearly as much now.  Even a really, really hard spanking may leave me with only a few visible marks the next day.  Interestingly, my bottom does look in bad shape immediately after the spanking, but the marks just don't last very long.  It also seems like my bottom has developed this non-bruising tolerance specifically to spanking.  I took a nasty fall a few weeks ago, and it left me literally black and blue across one cheek. 

My wife's reaction to this is also interesting.  It really didn't take her very long to get comfortable with giving a hard disciplinary spanking, and the bruising or marking has never seemed to make her squeamish.  She is very comfortable leaving visible evidence of her spanking prowess. In fact, she will sometimes make me drop my pants to show her the condition of my butt, and will express disappointment when the marking is gone a day or two later. 

I hope you all have a great week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to visit the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

The Forum - Vol. 198 - Attire

 If only my genitals didn't float when I relaxed in the bath.  And we both looked down and agreed it's stupid to be a man." - Leonard Cohen


Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you had a great week.  Mine was really long and more stressful than I've had in awhile.  I was thinking back on it yesterday, and an out-of-town meeting I had on Monday seemed like it happened a month ago.  My entire team was just balls-out the entire week.  And that metaphor leads nicely into this week's topic, which was suggested by Merry's Shilo.  And, it's a pretty simple one:

When you're spanked, are you naked?  If so, are you expected to present yourself to her that way?

If undressing in front of her is part of the process, is that something you are expected to do yourself, or does she take more direct control of the disrobing process?

Or, are your spankings conducted with you at least partially clothed?

Does the amount of clothing matter based on position or location?  Such as over a bed you are naked but over a desk you are partially clothed?

How about you? What is your usual attire, or degree of lack thereof, during a spanking? What makes you feel more vulnerable - fully naked, pants off, or pants down around your ankles?  I don't have a basis for an opinion on this one, because I think all of ours have been with me totally naked.  I can't recall any that have involved pants down and around the ankles, though I could see that one actually adding some vulnerability, since it would also restrict mobility.

And, in the interests of not leaving our Disciplinary Wives out of this one, do you dress in any special way when delivering a spanking, or when you want to send a strong message about who is in control?

I hope you all have a great week.

The Forum - Vol. 197 - Females Spanked

I can no longer obey.  I have tasted command, and I cannot give it up.  - Napoleon Bonaparte

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or FLR relationships.

Some of you may have seen a slightly different version of this week's post.  Blogger was doing some funky things with the fonts, and I couldn't figure out how to fix it, so I'm starting over.  I guess I can't gripe too much about a free tool.

As I said in the first version, I'm having another kind of uninspired week.  I think DD and FLR relationships, at least ones that are a work in progress (and aren't they all), all have their ebbs and flows.  We are kind of in an ebb right now.  Life is very busy for both of us.  I always travel a lot for business, and she also has been traveling a bit lately.  That always seems to impose a real headwind.  I also feel like I hit a saturation point on DD in general a few days ago.  Not practicing it, but thinking about it, blogging about it, engaging with trolls trying to post stupid, repetitive fantasies about it.  Honestly, I just sort of lost interest.  Today started that way.  I thought about taking a break, but decided to try to switch it up instead.

But, this week's topic is not about "switching" per se.  It's really the flipside of some of the discussions we've had about origins.  We've talked about whether the Disciplined Husbands in the group were spanked as kids and what influence that may have had on their interest in DD later in life.  Something we have not talked about, however, is whether our Disciplinary Wives were spanked as kids, or whether they witnessed spankings in the home, and whether those early experiences had any impact on their later interest in, or at least openness to, adult discipline and FLR.

So, ladies, how about it?

Were you yourself subject to some maternal discipline at home?

Were you yourself on the receiving end of some of Mom's "head of household" control and correction? In an aside that may or may not be interesting or telling, while I don't remember getting spanked very often myself as a boy, I do remember an older sister getting spanked, both at home . . .

and at school.  And, in our home, getting spanked at school definitely meant another at home.  How about for any of you ladies?  Spanked at school?  Spanked again at home?

Maybe you and a sibling were both subject to a spanking for some jointly engaged-in bad behavior? (Though I'm not sure that is what this drawing is meant to depict.)

 Maybe you witnessed a brother get one, or about to get one?

Or, maybe you were aware of F/m punishment and FLR earlier than some of us because you witnessed it at home or were aware it was going on?

What impact do you think these early spanking experiences had on your openness to giving a disciplinary spanking as an adult?  And, let's expand a bit beyond spanking.  How did the disciplinary environment you grew up in, whether including spanking or not, influence your interest in or openness to Domestic Discipline or Female Leadership?

I am glad that I did decide to blog this week instead of taking a break. As I went through the exercise, I felt the interest level rising a bit.  Some of it may be the visuals involved.  I sometimes struggle to find good drawings that illustrate a particular topic, but that is partially because there is such a dearth of good F/m art out there that depicts any real male vulnerability, fear, remorse, etc.  The ability to illustrate a topic with some good art opens up substantially if it involves females on the receiving end of the paddle.  

I hope you all have a great week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by our Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us all a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

The Forum - Vol. 196 - Tools of the Trade

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.  - Abraham Maslow

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led relationships.

Well, we've had some fairly heavy conversations lately.  I hope I didn't burn a bunch of people out, or finally offend them to their core, but it's a bad sign when even stalwarts like Anna and Peter don't comment.  So, I'll lighten it up a little this week and go in a more practical direction.  We've done it before, but we have a lot of new folks visiting each week and, as Darren has repeatedly said, some of the couples who are newer to the Domestic Discipline lifestyle can't get enough practical advice.

So, this week, let's talk about tools.  Implements.  Those things She uses to blister our bottoms.  We've talked before about things like "most feared," but let's each talk about those implements we each get spanked, strapped, paddled, etc. with most often, and the "advantages" and "disadvantages" of each from the perspective of getting her point across.  Here are tools my wife and I have used, and my succinct thoughts on each category:

• Hairbrush: Iconic, but basically worthless. 
• Bath brush: Totally different animal from a hairbrush.  Hurts like a mother&%$#@! 
• Wooden paddles:  Something for everyone.  Iconic and, unlike a hairbrush, can hurt like hell.
• Belts: Can be effective, but she has to swing really, really hard.
• Leather straps: Generally much more painful than a belt, ranging from mild to OMG!
• Loopy Johnny:  Stings pretty damn badly.  Leaves welts like a cane.
• Rubber straps: If these don't get your attention, nothing will.
• Cane: Has never worked well for us, but I'm not sure why.

It's interesting how with some of these implements, seemingly slight changes in weight or length can make a huge difference.  Same with quality.  Like with good tools in any trade, you get what you pay for.  Looking at them in a little more depth:

Brushes

Many of us probably came to DD, or were first attracted to it, when we read stories or saw drawings depicting OTK spankings with a determined woman whaling away with a wooden hairbrush.  The thing is, all those scary drawings and stories notwithstanding, it just isn't a very effective instrument.  Most women would need Amazon-like strength and stamina to make any real impression on any but the most pain-adverse misbehaving husband.

Now, one can buy real paddles in the approximate size and shape of a hairbrush.  If made from thick, heavy wood, they can be quite painful. And easy to fit in a purse those impromptu "corrections" when out on the town.

And then there is . . . the dreaded bathbrush.  I would be going weak in the knees knowing a determined and pissed off wife was walking up the stair with that in hand.

Compared to the hairbrush, it is just a different animal altogether, capable of delivering a truly painful, butt blistering experience.

Paddles

Then there is the instrument that haunts many a former schoolboy or fratboy's nightmares -- the wooden paddle.  They too come in all shapes and sizes.  From small "spankers" good for OTK action and for concentrating on one cheek:

To the more fearsome "Board of Education" or "fraternity" style paddles:

After ten-plus years in this lifestyle, I'm still learning things about paddles.  I used to assume that big, heavy paddles hurt the most.  Not true.  Recently, I decided to sink some money into a couple of really nice custom paddles.  The person I ordered them from asked me right away whether it would be used by a man or a woman, because some women just can't swing a really heavy paddle with a lot of force.  It was better to go with something a little smaller (14 - 15"), not extremely thick, but made of a very hard wood.  I can testify from very painful experience, that was very wise advice.  The newer ones we are now using are much, much more painful than some of the larger paddles made from lighter (and cheaper) wood, such as ash.  One caveat with paddles -- I think they tend to be better used at the end of a long session, not at the beginning, because they can make me go numb after a while, thereby defeating the purpose of a hard disciplinary spanking.  Also, as for leather paddles -- totally worthless for anything but mild "funishment" scenes.

Leather Straps

Like paddles, leather straps come in all shapes and sizes.  For couples new to disciplinary spankings, by all means, start with a leather belt, but I think many couples graduate beyond them fairly quickly.  I realize they can be effective in some positions (face down on a bed, with a very vigorous downward swing) but many are too light, and she has to deliver a really serious swing even with heavier belts in order for it to have much real impact.

Real leather punishment straps are entirely different.  They are usually made from thick "harness" leather -- much heaver and more rigid.  The one my wife uses on me most often is similar to the 6th from the left in the picture above.  While not as "off the charts" painful as some of her other instruments, it definitely can get the job done when swung with purpose.  We did, by the way, try something like that big boy in the middle -- the long one with holes.  It's called a "prison strap."  While it is the centerpiece of one of my strongest spanking memories (early on in our DD relationship, she called me at work and ordered me to come home at lunch for a strapping, then sent me back to work to sit the rest of the afternoon on a very sore bottom), it was just too long and clumsy to handle safely and effectively.

Then there is this nasty little variant on a strap.  For those unfamiliar, it is called a "loopy johnny." They come in different varieties, including single and multiple loops and different materials.  It may not look that threatening, but it delivers the proverbial "sting like a hornets nest." Definitely not for the faint of heart.

 

Which brings us to . . . rubber straps.  I said last week that we had acquired some tools that left me truly dreading her spanking sessions.  A large rubber strap like the one on the left is what I was talking about.  It is just extraordinarily painful, and oddly unlike any leather strap.  The pain penetrates and radiates more than any leather strap, and it's far denser and less pliable.  It's like a very nasty cross between the flexible "sting" of a strap and the unforgiving "thud" of a thick paddle -- really the worst of both worlds. Worse yet, I find that it does not numb the bottom nearly as quickly as a wooden paddle.  If there is one tool I wish I had never bought for her, that one is it.  The one on the right is in some ways even nastier.  It has more sting and less thud, kind of like (I imagine) a really serious caning, but she largely stopped using it because it its small width had a tendency to break the skin.

Now, as I've discussed before, we have largely given up on that other most iconic punishment instrument, the cane.  While it may the bane of every English schoolboy, for some reason my wife just has not been able to figure out how to use one in a way that really hurts very much.  We're still not sure whether it is some deficiency in the canes we have tried, or some issue with her stance, swing, follow-through, etc.

Well, there is my overly long discourse on some tool options.  How do you rate those you have tried?  Are there some that are especially good at helping make her point?  Others that she shouldn't waste her time and energy?

As always, if you are new to this Forum, please go to the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

I hope you have a great week.