Crying and the Role of Embarrassment in Disciplinary Spanking

 “One person's embarrassment is another person's accountability.” - Tom Price

 Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a good week.  Mine was still not great, thanks to lingering Covid symptoms.  My body has some weird thing for that little bug.  My immune system lets it sneak into my body at every opportunity, then takes forever to toss it out.  I’m still dealing with the brain fog and exhaustion, and even a couple of days ago I thought I’d likely be putting off posting again. But, I feel like maybe I’m finally on the mend and can get it together enough to post, though I’ll get to a topic indirectly by going through a few comments from last week. 

 

I’ll kick it off with this comment from Al regarding being brought to real sobbing tears from a spanking:

 

 

Dan, I know you have often written that after years of being very sound spanked on a regular basis that you have never been brought to sobs - as many of us have (myself included).

 

It recently occurred to me - following a spanking in which I was genuinely sobbing - that the spanking certainly wasn't in the "very hard" range of a punishment spanking (in which the whacks are so hard that I sometimes struggle not to stop the spanking). And, in fact, during those very hard spankings, I almost never cry - because the pain is so intense that it has my entire attention with no room for emotional reaction. It is during the "merely" hard spankings (that still leave me with a very sore, and well reddened behind - and is most definitely still a real spanking) that I am most likely to sob. Especially if it is a longer spanking (over 100 whacks) and especially if she is scolding me (and my wife is a master at scolding while spanking). I believe the somewhat less intense pain allows me the head space to connect with the experience of emotional submission inherent in a DWC spanking (since the pain is not completely all mentally consuming). [Emphasis added.]

 

Alan followed up with:

 

Splitting the spanking into two or more parts reduces the numbing . Possibly 15 minutes corner time or longer, then the spanking resumes. But as al writes, length and impact emotionally during the spanking does it for me-especially when she creates a sense of "panic" that it will never stop. that is totally irrational of course but it does it for me. I just let go to any resistance and crying can happen. [emphasis added]

 

 

Note that, while crying and tears were the specific topic raised by Al and Alan, both of their comments also bring up the role of strong emotion--emotional submission, panic, emotional reaction to scolding--during a spanking.

 

That takes me back to a topic suggestion from Norton from a few weeks ago, which addresses one particular emotion - embarrassment: 

 

It's interesting that embarrassment is a desired goal by many, including me. It is central to the fantasy of having others witness a spanking, which many of us have, but few have realized. Another thing that is embarrassing for me is telling my partner I have screwed up, knowing that it will guarantee a spanking. Keeping her informed of my behavior is part of our DD agreement, and I try to honor it by texting her as soon as possible after the offence, before I chicken out. She considers going over my alcohol limit and bad driving to be serious offenses, and spanks accordingly. I ran a light this morning and got a very hard paddling as soon as I returned home. Whatever embarrassment I was feeling quickly disappeared as soon as the spanking began. There is a good reason the artist Barbra O'Toole has a website of her spanking art called "Embarrassing and Fun". Exploring the role embarrassment plays in DD could be a possible future topic.

 

 

Which brings us to a recommendation from Jake:

 

The author I would recommend from LSF is etbyrd. He won't be to everyone's taste as he doesn't really write about adult F/M disciplinary relationships, although I think there might be one that is treated somewhat peripherally.

 

For some of us, a big part of the draw to spanking is the emotional vulnerability and the loss of composure [emphasis added] that can occur when someone is on the receiving end of this kind of physical correction. I'm interested in depictions whether fictional or not that portray emotionally intense situations which result in an enduring feeling of having been humbled. There typically isn't enough time given to scolding to really bring out the sense of someone having gotten a serious reality check. The scolding is typically told rather than shown ("She then gave him a hard scolding enumerating all his shortcomings and making clear exactly what the consequences for failing to meet her expectations would be.") while the spanking is shown rather than told. The stories would be better, that is more involving, if this pattern was reversed. It's in the scolding, and also of course the larger narrative setting, that we get a sense of where the character is and will be emotionally.

 

And with that all having been said, etbyrd writes the best scolding dialogue that I've come across. Most of them feature an exceptionally immature adolescent boy. As is typical of the genre, the situations are pretty contrived, fanciful is probably a better term. But those who are interested in a maternal style dynamic and share my view on the importance of scolding scenes in these sorts of stories, might find them worthwhile.

 

I did read a couple of etbyrd's stories after Jake's recommendation, and the scenarios often involve extreme embarrassment, like a teenager getting spanked int front of a roomful of classmates.  

 

 

And, like Al, Alan and Norton, Jake focuses on emotional vulnerability, including the total loss of composure that is perhaps best exemplified by sobbing during a spanking. 

 

So, let’s talk about the role of emotions in Domestic Discipline, with a particular (but not exclusive) emphasis on embarrassment and emotional vulnerability.  I would also like to talk about embarrassment and vulnerability in the context Al and Alan raised, i.e. crying.

 

As a preliminary matter, is Norton right that embarrassment is a “desired goal” for disciplined males?  Is it why some of us are attracted to things like “witness” scenarios?

 

I used to think I not only was not into embarrassment but actually had a strong aversion to it.  And, on one level, that’s true, to the point that I will sometimes fast-forward past scenes in movies and shows in which someone is being subjected to something severely embarrassing or humiliating.  

Yet, with the benefit of hindsight and reflection, I think it’s simplistic to leave it at I have an aversion to embarrassment. A more nuanced take on it would be that I am averse to seeing others embarrassed.

 

Though, it is still true that I don’t like being embarrassed myself.  I’ve engaged with a few commenters over the years who, or whose partner, got off on humiliation. That’s definitely not me.

 

Yet, there is undeniably something about embarrassing situations, in the DD context at least, that I find intriguing. When I first discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club, the stories that had the most appeal to me were those that involved the husband being taken to the point of real sobbing during a spanking. Especially those stories in which sobbing was the wife's stated goal.

 

 

I've used this meme, and the one at the top of the page, many times over the years, to the point that I've probably over-used both.  Yet, they convey facets of spanking to tears that never fail to hit me emotionally.  It's something about the combination of being spanked to tears, being embarrassed to the core about it, while the wife states her unequivocal intent to bring it about or expresses satisfaction about having brought it about.

 

There is such a . . . loss of power . . . associated with that combination.

 

As I read the DWC stories and imagined myself in those husbands’ positions, the prospect of breaking down in real tears during a spanking was mortifying, yet morbidly attractive.  I am sure it is one of the reason I became so obsessed with the DWC. And, that has never really changed. I’m still morbidly attracted to stories and videos that feature not just tears but real, true sobbing.

 

Jake referenced being drawn to “loss of composure”, and that resonates for me too.  Shedding a few tears doesn’t do much for me. Rather, it’s the total loss of composure that is reflected in real sobbing that hits me like a gut punch.  And, again, it is something about the combination of the wife's total composure and the husband's lack thereof, and that the wife affirmatively wants--or at least sees a benefit in--taking him to that place.

 

 

I suspect that some of the emotional power for me of a situation in which the spankee loses all composure, and the spanker's goal is to bring that about, goes back to childhood spankings. Isn't that the essence of parental spankings, and also some school spankings? And, perhaps nothing evokes the power imbalances inherent in those childhood scenarios, nor is quite so infantalizing, as sobbing over a wife's knee, as she dispassionately seeks to bring that about.

 

Further, I share the interest many here seem to have in “witness” scenarios, and I'm sure Norton is right that the reason it's such a common fantasy has something to do with the desire for embarrassment. Or, maybe a desire for vulnerability, to the extent they are distinguishable.

 

Though, with witnesses, to me the emotional power of the scene is determined by some combination of the severity of the embarrassment and the determination of the spanker and/or the witness to bring it about. Even overheard spankings have that power over me, perhaps more so than witnesses seeing a spanking. I think maybe it's because the loss of power seems even greater in a scenario in which I know others know I got spanked, but I didn't see their reaction in the moment. It's kind of like being sent to the principal's office, getting paddled, then going back to a roomful of students who know you got paddled.  They are all playing it out in their minds, which somehow seems worse than them seeing it happen.  

 

 

I seem to be most attracted to scenarios in which the witness has some personal desire to see the recipient get his comeuppance.  It’s important that they see the spanking as justified or deserved, and I think that’s because I react to the recipient feeling embarrassment not just because the spanking is witnessed but because the witness is aware of the behavior that led to it and condemns or disapproves of it.  

 

 

One thing I like about writing these posts is that sometimes the process helps me reach insights I didn't have when I started. For example, it's only been in the coures of writing this post that I've noticed how much the morbid attraction I feel to being put in embarrassing spanking-related situations depends not so much on the setting (witnesses), or on the outcome (crying, loss of composure), but on the intent or knowledge of the others involved.

 

I also have a strong reaction to stories that include a conscious effort to humble the recipient, i.e. to take away his pride and overcome his emotional resistance.  There is a story by KD Pierre called Pride, available on the Library of Spanking Fiction, that involves a husband with a contentious relationship with one of his wife’s friends. She dictates that her husband needs to apologize to the friend after a fight and, when he refuses, she takes him to get a spanking in front of the friend, and that morphs into a spanking by the friend.   

 

What gets me about the story is the friend makes it clear that she knows she is equally culpable when it comes to the animosity between them, yet she wants to spank him anyway because she likes that he has no real choice but to take her spanking when he really detests her.  She wants to humble him and take away his pride.  In other words, she wants to embarrass him, and her own power is amplified by doing so.

 

 

How about you? Is embarrassment a big part of your DD dynamic or your attraction to disciplinary spankings?  Is being embarrassed something you try to avoid at all costs, or are you like me and have a sort of morbid attraction to it? 

 

How does your wife feel about the role embarrassment plays, if any, in your DD relationship?  Does she try to avoid embarrassing you, or is it something she consciously tries to use when spanking you or in exercising her power in the relationship?

 

Or, is it something she sees as a possible byproduct but not really her concern? Sort of like when Anne decided to start leaving window shades open during a spanking, on the premise that it wasn’t her who would get embarrassed if someone saw, since she wasn’t the one getting the spanking?

 

[While the DWC didn't talk a lot about embarrassment, it does strike me as I write this that what is probably the most popular bit of artwork on the website did involve a spanking observed through a window.]

 

I would also like to zoom in on embarrassment as it relates to crying.  For Alan and Al, and any others who have really let loose and cried hard during a spanking, what were the emotions associated with that when it first happened?  Has that changed as it's happened again over the years?

 

As I said, when I first read the DWC stories in which the husband sobbed, I was drawn to it for sure, but it was a very morbid sort of fascination. I assumed that losing composure like that would be extremely embarrassing and leave me feeling incredibly vulnerable.  Was that the case for those of you who have been there?

 

Or, was the emotion something more positive, like catharsis?

 

 

How about the wives who have delivered a spanking and gotten real sobs as a result?  Was that gratifying, like you were giving a spanking the way it should be given, or like justice was served?  Or, maybe a twinge of feeling sorry for the husband in that state? Or, something more neutral? Does the wife's satisfaction in bringing about real tears depend at all on the nature of the conduct, or perhaps on how much it affected her?

 

I doubt we’ll get much direct response from the wives on this, given their low level of current participation, but maybe Al, Alan and others have some insight into how their wives feel about bringing them to tears?

 

I hope you all have a great week!

No (Real) Post, but Ask Me (and Each Other) Anything

Hi all.  Sorry to do this two weeks in a row, but I'm still feeling pretty lousy and don't seem to have the available IQ points to put together a coherent topic.  But, I don't want to shut down the discussion entirely for another week.

In the early days of the blog, sometimes in lieu of an actual topic, I'd throw things open to a Q&A session.  In fact, my first blog post was an invitation to ask me anything.  (It got a whopping two questions.)  Given that I'm feeling sick and lazy this week, let's give that another try.  

"Ask me anything" probably is a tad misleading, because while you can ask me anything, that doesn't mean I'm going to answer literally anything.  But,  I'll do my best within reason. 

And feel free to direct questions to each other, too.  Maybe we'll even manage to generate some ideas for future topics.

Have a great week.

  

Out sick - no post this week

Happy Saturday to you all.  I have been sidelined this week by a bout of Covid.  (I think this is my 5th?  My body clearly has a thing for this pesky bug.)   I've got the whole fuzzy head and mental exhaustion thing going on and am not up to composing a post.

So, I hope you have a good weekend and week ahead.

Prevalence of Domestic Discipline Relationships - How Many Spanking Wives and Spanked Husbands are There? (Club Meeting 547)

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” - Mark Twain

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you had a great week.  Mine began with a little stressfully, with an unexpected house problem that I initially thought was potentially going to be very serious and expensive.  Thankfully, it didn’t turn out that way, but it stressed me out enough and took enough time over the weekend that it left me with in a mood that wasn’t conducive to posting.

 

I’ve also been in an “off” mood about DD since the double spanking I talked about in the last post.  I'm sure part of it is really wanting to avoid anything like that in the near future, but I've also experienced a general lull in my DD interest.  I probably shouldn’t be surprised. 

 

 

In retrospect, I’ve probably had that reaction every time there has been some substantial change in our dynamic that seemed to portend me having less control over the way the DD aspects of our relationship work and the more it feels like I am perhaps "getting more than I bargained for".  I think after hitting one of those inflection points, the reality of the potential change hits me, and my subconscious spends some time mulling it over.  I’m very sure that the drop in interest isn’t permanent and, in fact, I can feel it coming back a bit as I write this.

 

I also try to keep in mind that I specifically asked for the double spankings Anne gave me that left me sore for close to a week.  And, although I definitely would NOT want a repeat anytime soon, I do think they had the intended effect, which I wanted because I felt like after having a surprisingly offense-free month or so after the holiday, I was starting to backslide.  Hopefully, those two very painful spankings put me back on course for an overall better 2026.

 

 

In part because my DD interest level dropped a bit over the last week or two, I didn’t have a lot of inspiration for new topics going into this weekend.  Thankfully, Alan had supplied something a couple of weeks ago that he suggested could be a topic.  I’ve pasted below what he provided in his two comments, though I’m really going to need some further help from him to make it into a real topic, as I don’t have much to go on as to how this was put together.  His comment began with:

 

“An enduring theme on the blog over the years has been the prevalence of female led discipline and the question of whether it is increasing. The convergence of multiple data bases together with enhanced AI capabilities now makes a grounded estimate possible. I have done some of the work and am willing to share it if there is an interest. It might make a standalone topic. Some of the estimates confirm expectations while others challenge conventional assumptions. Please let me know.”

 

After he provided some of his work product, I asked if he could give any color on how the analysis was conducted and where the data came from.  He replied:

 

“The paper is a draft I produced which is essentially a literature review. The source methodologies vary from observation studies to quasi experimental designs. I am sharing the results but not prepared to elaborate beyond them.”

 

Here is the draft outline/summary he provided:

 

***

 

Adult Spanking in Contemporary Relationships

Prevalence, Role Asymmetry, Generational Change, and Cultural Visibility

________________________________________

1. Purpose

This paper summarizes current inferential estimates and sociological interpretations regarding consensual adult spanking behavior in long-term and recurring relationships.

The emphasis is on:

1. estimated population magnitude

2. subgroup distributions (directional typologies)

3. changing visibility and cultural acceptance

4. increasing female-initiator participation

The discussion integrates demographic baselines, sexuality surveys, and communication theory rather than any single dataset.

________________________________________

2. Estimated Population Magnitude

United States baseline

Population ≈ 335 million

Adults (18+) ≈ 260 million

Adults in ongoing couples ≈ 156 million

Couples ≈ 78 million

Research synthesis suggests roughly 20–25% of couples engage in recurring spanking behavior (occasional experimentation rates are much higher; this refers to repeat participation).

U.S. scale

Measure Estimate

Couples involved 15.6 – 19.5 million

Midpoint ~17–18 million couples

Individuals ~34–36 million adults

This places the behavior well outside “fringe” status and closer to a common minority relational style.

________________________________________

Western-world magnitude

If similar prevalence is extended across North America, Europe, and comparable societies (~800 million population), the order-of-magnitude estimate becomes:

approximately 50–70 million couples

________________________________________

3. Directional Typology Distribution

Participants commonly classify recurring dynamics into four directional patterns:

• M/F (male initiator, female receiver)

• F/M (female initiator, male receiver)

• M/M

• F/F

Using orientation base rates and role reporting patterns, the approximate distribution inside the participating population is:

Typology Share of participating couples

M/F 55–65%

F/M 12–20%

M/M 10–15%

F/F 8–12%

________________________________________

U.S. estimated numbers (midpoint ≈17.5 million couples)

Typology Couples Individuals

M/F 9.6 – 11.4 million 19 – 23 million

F/M 2.1 – 3.5 million 4 – 7 million

M/M 1.8 – 2.6 million 3.6 – 5.2 million

F/F 1.4 – 2.1 million 2.8 – 4.2 million

Key observation: roughly one-third of participants are outside the traditional M/F pattern.

________________________________________

 

4. Generational Change

Younger cohorts show a distinctive pattern:

Earlier cohorts Younger cohorts

gradual discovery across decades early awareness of possibilities

experience produces categories categories guide experience

specialization in midlife selection early in adulthood

The behavior itself is not necessarily increasing dramatically;

the timing of exploration has moved earlier.

________________________________________

5. Increasing Female-Initiator Participation

The most notable shift is growth in F/M dynamics and female-dominant roles.

This appears to be partly behavioral and partly expressive.

5.1 Removal of reputational cost

For most of modern history, female initiation carried a social penalty.

Once the penalty weakened, previously latent preferences became actionable.

5.2 Role flexibility for men

Modern masculinity norms are less rigidly tied to constant initiation.

Some men now openly occupy responsive roles without identity conflict.

5.3 Negotiated intimacy

Relationships increasingly rely on explicit communication rather than assumed scripts.

When roles are chosen rather than inherited, distributions widen.

5.4 Visibility correction

Online communities revealed many shared preferences previously assumed rare.

Reporting increases faster than actual behavior change.

________________________________________

 

6. Why Visibility Has Increased

Three independent developments converged:

1. Internet communities lowered perceived rarity

2. Psychological vocabulary normalized discussion

3. Dating uncertainty increased the desire for clear signals

Thus, the rise is largely:

visibility expansion + earlier experimentation

Rather than entirely new behavior creation.

________________________________________

 

7. Conclusion

Consensual adult spanking appears to be a widespread minority relational behavior involving tens of millions of couples in Western societies.

Key findings:

• roughly 20–25% of couples participate recurrently

• one-third fall outside traditional directional patterns

• female-initiator roles are rising

• generational change reflects earlier exploration rather than universal increase

• primary function is communicative clarity rather than aggression

The phenomenon, therefore, represents not merely a sexual trend but a broader shift toward negotiated intimacy and explicit signaling within modern relationships.

 

***

 

Without knowing where the data came from, it’s hard for me to say much about the conclusions.  The best I can really do is provide my “gut reaction” to some of it, while acknowledging that said reaction is entirely speculative.

 

One number that jumped out at me was the estimate that 25% of adult couples participate in spanking “recurrently”, defined as more than occasional experimentation.  My gut reaction is that seems high, but maybe not wildly so.  I assume that adult erotic spanking is fairly common, at least since 50 Shades of Grey came along and normalized exploration of spanking, along with other varieties of adult kink. But, as I said, I really have nothing beyond sheer speculation to offer one way or another. 

 

My own spanking interest may be narrower than some of yours. Outside the disciplinary context, I’m not all that interested in spanking.  So, data regarding the prevalence of adult spanking in general doesn’t pique my interest all that much.

 

More interesting to me is data regarding F/m spanking.  Alan’s data shows that of those adults participating in recurrent spanking, 12–20% was "female “initiated”.  Based on other context, it sounds like “initiated” in this instance means the woman is the spanker, not necessarily that the woman “initiated” the spanking aspects of the relationship, but Alan hopefully will correct me I’m mistaken about that.

 

I don’t know where that estimate comes from, but my gut reaction—again, entirely speculative—is that it seems about right.  I certainly don't think the prevalence of F/m spanking is higher than that.  I am very confident that the proportion of M/f spanking couples is much higher than F/m, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the ratio was around 9:1. 

 

Another interesting thing about that part of Alan’s summary: If I’m reading it right, the combined distribution of same-sex spankings (M/M, F/F) exceeds the distribution of F/m. That too doesn’t entirely surprise me.  I suspect that the incidence of spanking in the gay community is pretty high.  I was intending to provide some numbers from a popular Reddit group focused on gay spanking.  But, it seems to have been taken down sometime very recently.  During the time when it was up, it was very active.  Also, very graphic and, interestingly, more focused on disciplinary-type spankings than what I’ve seen in more generalized spanking forums. The fact that it was taken down may speak volumes about whether society has really become that much more tolerant of transgressive kink lifestyles.

 

Regarding whether spanking interest is increasingly popular among younger generations, Alan’s summary says, “The behavior itself is not necessarily increasing dramatically; the timing of exploration has moved earlier.”  I don’t have any real view on that.  Most studies show Gen Z has less sex than any prior generation and they start sex later.  An earlier spanking interest seems a bit counter-intuitive in that context, but it’s all relative. It very well could be that Gen Z has less sex overall but that kink-friendliness is more prevalent within that more limited set of overall encounters.

 

One data point outside Alan’s analysis I will note: Pornhub provides yearly summaries of its most popular search terms and other trends.  For 2025, “spanking” didn’t crack the top 30.  But, interestingly, what interest there was in spanking and BDSM was heavily driven by women:

 

“Interestingly, Pornhub’s female visitors are also 160% more interested in content depicting people getting “spanked and fingered”, 144% more into “daddy spank” videos and 105% more into “spanking punishment” themed content.”

 

Unfortunately, Alan’s study doesn't include the prevalence of disciplinary spankings. For that niche within a niche, there seems to be a dearth out there of anything like real data.  

 

I doubt that will change, but I also wonder if any methodology that starts with spanking in general, then drills down into DD, and then into F/m DD, starts in the wrong place.  Maybe instead of starting with the prevalence of spanking, we should start with something like the prevalence of Dominance/submission relationships, or other relationship styles involving power differentials, then ask in how many of those the women are in charge, then ask in how many of those is spanking within the wife’s authority?

 

In any event, in a few older posts, I’ve talked about some of the reasons I continue to believe we are in a very small community, based in part on stats for participation in this blog.  Over the last year or two, that data set has expanded a bit, thanks to me also posting on WordPress and writing some DWC-oriented articles on Medium.  Here are some updated observations:

 

The number of views on this blog has gone up a bit over the last year, but that's after falling way off around 2020.  There are lots of spikes and troughs, but the average is around 3k to 5k per week.  (For reasons I can't explain, there was a big spike up to 12k earlier this month.)  

 

Regarding the Medium articles, it’s hard to draw meaningful conclusions from that data.  Medium has over a million paid subscribers, while I have 721 “followers”, which divides out to .000721.  However, that’s not very helpful, because many Medium readers do not “follow” other writers, probably in part because followers are displayed for all members to see; I suspect that means that many people reading adult/kinky content do not feel comfortable “following” those writers.  

 

 

A more meaningful measure is the number of people viewing and reading the individual articles.  It's all over the map, but one article has gotten 61k views.  A few others are around 20-30k, and many are in the single-digit thousands.  (On Medium, a “view” means someone clicked on an article.  A “read” means they stayed on that article for some defined period of time, indicating they actually read a substantial portion of it.  For my articles, the “reads” tend to be 1/3 to 1/2 of the “view” total, which seems to be pretty typical for Medium.)  In any event, those numbers indicate that some substantial number of people are interested in F/m DD and FLR-oriented content, though it’s still pretty trivial in the scheme of things.

 

Regarding WordPress, it’s reached about 3.7k views a week, even though I haven’t been posting there for very long and the engagement level (comments) is very low.  Still, again, 3.7k is trivial among an adult population in the U.S. comprising around 78 million couples.

 

Regarding Reddit, there is a Domestic Discipline subreddit, which lists 3.9k weekly visitors.  Based on the posts and comments I’ve read, it’s clear that the vast majority of active participants are in M/f dynamics.

 

Also, note that the above statistics relate to the number of people who view or read DD-oriented content.  In other words, those who are interested in these lifestyles, which is almost certainly a much larger number than those who are actually participating in one.

 

So, I continue to believe that those who are actually in F/m DD relationships is a small niche, within another small niche (DD relationships of any alignment), within the larger spanking community, which itself is relatively small but not insubstantial.

 

Honestly, I doubt we’ll ever have even a loose approximation of how many couples out there practice F/m Domestic Discipline.  So, to me, the more interesting question for discussion is how prevalent do we want the lifestyle to be?

 

I don’t want to put words in Alan’s mouth, but I’ve always gotten the sense that he would like it to be a fairly common and openly expressed relationship choice.

 

I, on the other hand, like that it is still seen as transgressive and norm-busting.  I enjoy the taboo and the mystique, and that sense would be lost if it were to become mainstream.

 

But, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want the prevalence to be as low as I suspect it currently is, because some of my DD-related aspirations, goals and fantasies hinge on the existence of an actual community of couples who are into this.  Aunt Kay put it well in a note she sent me a couple of years before she passed away:

 

"We made friends with other couples and that was a whole other unexpected outcome. I never imagined disciplining anyone but my own husband. But it became easy for me after a while. I learned that some men need a lot more intensity than my Hubby and I had some really fun times delivering longer and harder sessions than he could ever endure. I still recall smiling to myself as I watched him head off with another DWC wife to get a spanking. 

 

 

When we did things together with other DWC couples; like going to dinners, events, visiting for weekends, there was such a sense of liberation. Just hanging out, being able to talk about lifestyle stuff was amazing. It was like we knew we were special; we shared a kinky little secret when we were out among the rest of the world."

 

Her last sentence implies a delicate balance.  The community has to be small enough to feel they share a special, kinky secret.  Yet, it has to be big enough to actually bring some core group of people together. And, there has to be a high degree of openness and sharing among the couples.

 

And, it’s not only about the size of the community, but about where they are located and how open they are within the group.  I definitely have a thing for the kind of scenarios Aunt Kay described, including being sent off to another wife for a spanking. Her husband has told me about that happening, and he’s talked about how some of the wives could and did make “independent spanking decisions” involving him.   

 

Again, that scenario is something I find very appealing, though it implies several couples, probably living in close proximity, and with very open attitudes about the wives’ authority over all the males.

 

That all sounds like a fantasy that would be hard to pull off, and it probably is.  Yet, in some ways it isn’t all that different from the parental spanking culture where I was born.  In that place and time, it was incredibly common for relatives and friends’ parents to feel empowered to spank each other’s kids. It happened all the time. If that was once socially acceptable (and probably still is in some areas), is it really such a stretch to imagine couples in DD relationships to come to a similar arrangement once they got to know each other?

 

Anyway . . . please feel free to comment on anything that strikes you about the above.  Although I think we can do little more than speculate, what is your speculation about how prevalent these relationships are? And, how prevalent would you like them to be?

 

Have a great week.

No post this week

 Hi all. I hope you're having a good weekend.  My week ended on a stressful note, so I'm going to spend some time decompressing this weekend and won't be posting.  I hope you all have a good week.

"You won't sit for a week!" - The Reality of Two Same-Day Spankings (Meeting -546)

“Only the disciplined ones in life are free. If you are undisciplined, then you are a slave to your moods and your passions.” — Eliud Kipchoge

 Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine was uneventful, yet uncharacteristically painful, as I’ll recount more below. 

 

Thank you to those who participated in our discussion about a “more is more” approach to spanking.  There were several good comments, but I especially liked this one from Mike:

 

What I long for is to feel the reality of a domestic discipline relationship in my everyday life. I think for me it also has a lot to do with control. I grew up in my childhood with massive authority but without emotional security. Then, at around 20, I had complete freedom in the sense that I had to organize myself entirely and had no authority at all anymore. That’s probably why I long for an authority that provides safety and stability.

 

I believe that consistency and continuity signal to me, again and again, that the dynamic is real, intact, and functioning. There’s no uncertainty about whether she is still fully committed or not. With every spanking, she reaffirms that she is still there and willing to put me in my place when necessary.

 

His first sentence resonates for me. I have a hard time articulating exactly what it might look like in practice, but I think it’s connected to why I gravitate so strongly toward the DWC's emphasis on "maternal" discipline. To me, the essence of a “maternal”-style disciplinary relationship—as contrasted with something purely utilitarian and focused only on behavior modification—is the continual, pervasive feeling that you’re always at least a little bit at risk of earning yourself a spanking.  It’s that background feeling of always being subject to someone else’s decision making.  I associate that with maternal, or really parental, control, and it's an edgy feeling that I'd like to experience on a more regular basis.

 

 

Anyway . . . onward.

 

It’s pretty rare for me to build entire topics around recounting my own spankings.  But, every once in a while, something out of the ordinary happens.  Or, something happens that seems to illustrate particularly well some of the things we talk about.  I feel like last week’s session was all that. 

 

So, here’s the background.  For a long time, I’ve struggled with what should happen when there have been multiple offenses, each of which would merit a trip to the woodshed if it had been the only recent transgression.

 

In the past, regardless of the number of offenses or how little they were related, they tended to get lumped into one spanking.  That was kind of a problem because, although I do try to observe the rules and don’t engage in bad behavior for its own sake, I’d be lying if I said there was no element of, “I already have one coming, so I might as well . . .”

 

So, at my suggestion, we’ve tried giving multiple spankings spread across multiple days.  That solution made sense in the abstract but didn’t work well in practice for multiple reasons.

 

First and foremost, the spankings after the first often just didn’t happen.  Real life would get in the way. Or, Anne would forget about it, and I wasn’t always inclined to remind her.

 

Second, the last time we tried it, I had this unhelpful emotional reaction to it.  There had already been a few days between the offenses and the first spanking, and my perceived need for atonement was already starting to diminish.  After the first spanking, there was little if any of that emotion-laden need for accountability left.  There was then a day’s break before the next spanking and, by the time it happened, I was just not in a headspace to receive it as anything like real imposed accountability. In the abstract, we had agreed to multiple spankings for multiple offenses, yet in practice it felt like the slate had been wiped clean with the first spanking.  The second felt gratuitous and pointless.

 

Finally, one reason I had suggested multiple spankings for multiple offenses was that intuitively it seemed like the second one—given on an already sore bottom—would hurt much more and, hence, serve as more of a deterrent.  Yet, every time we tried it, it never seemed to have that additive effect.

 

So, a couple of weeks ago, as we were coming up on one of the physical therapy milestones that probably would see me released from some of the restrictions I’ve been under and that would make a return to disciplinary spankings possible, we had a talk about how to get back on track and increase her strictness, which we’ve been talking about for a long time. 

 

I told her I felt like “multiple spankings for multiple offenses” was an important principle, but that doing them on separate days wasn’t working. I suggested that we probably should try two (or more) on the same day, separated by at least an hour or two.  

 

My thinking was that (a) same-day spankings would make those after the first more likely to actually occur; (b) they probably would be less intrusive on her time and attention, as they wouldn’t be spread out over more than a few hours; (c) knowing I had two coming the same day—and given that any numbing would go away in the time between spankings—they might serve as a very effective deterrent.

 

Always more practical than me, she asked, “Do you really think you can handle that?”  I told her that I really didn’t know but that, if we were serious about ramping up her strictness, it might be something to try.

 

I also told her that, although my proclivity for binge drinking had dropped like a rock last year, I felt like it was slowly sneaking back up, particularly my habit of sneaking a few additional drinks after we got back from dinner out. I asked her to help me nip that one in the bud by making it an automatic second spanking on top of any for drinking to excess.

 

Well, last week demonstrated what an unpleasant combination those two proposed changes to our rules could be for my butt.

 

The problem started when I went out to happy hour with a friend.  She usually drinks a bit less than me, but not that day. We ended up having four drinks total over about three hours.  That’s not a huge deal, and Anne wouldn’t have treated it as such.

 

But, after I got home and had dinner, I hung out in my home office and had a couple more. Later in the evening, Anne came in and asked whether I’d been having more.

 

And . . . you probably know where this is going . . . I said no.

 

Now, at the time, I don’t think I saw it as “lying” exactly.  I think of lying as something said with the expectation that the other person will believe it. To me, this was something more mischievous; basically, telling her something untrue, knowing that neither of us expected her to believe it.

 

The next morning, she asked how I was feeling. I told her not bad, which was more or less true.  Although I’d had quite a few drinks, they had been spread out over several hours, and I’d snacked during happy hour then had a full dinner at home before having a couple more. And, I’d gone to bed only a little later than normal.

 

Her response was something like, “You’re feeling better than your ass will be later.”  I responded with a simple, “Yes ma’am.”  We both knew I had it coming, and I wasn’t going to argue. In fact, I was kind of relieved that after a four month hiatus, something had happened to give her a reason to get the DD part of our relationship started again.

 

A few weeks ago, someone suggested putting a spanking instrument out on open display after a spanking has been ordered. I thought at the time it sounded like a great way to encourage follow-through. I suggested as much to Anne, and she was all for it.

 

It proved very difficult, as I suspected it would be.  After some delay, however, I finally did place a fraternity-style paddle on a small table in the foyer, where it would be visible to anyone coming into the house.  I’m sure Anne saw it when she returned from some errands, though she didn’t say anything.

 

For the next few hours, it was on my mind constantly. Finally, I did something very uncharacteristic. She was working on something at the kitchen table. I interrupted and asked, “Ma’am, could we please get my spanking over with now?”

 

Although asking for one so directly was as hard as it has always been on those few occasions I’ve done it, the anxiety was offset a little by feeling good about accepting what I had coming.

 

But, those self-congratulatory feelings came to an abrupt halt when, without missing a beat, she replied, “Your first one? Sure.  Let’s go take care of that right now.”

 

Gulp. “I’m getting more than one, Ma’am?”

 

“Oh, yes,” she laughed.  “I honestly didn’t care that you drank, as you didn’t act out or anything. And, I didn’t even really care that you drank at home, even though you’ve asked me to be stricter on that.  But, lying to me about that drinking . . . You don’t get to lie to me.  So, you are getting at least two spankings.”

 

 

So, we went upstairs. I put her ebony hairbrush and bath brush out on the ottoman and got undressed.  I was prepared that it would be extremely painful, given the four month break we’d had while I was recovering.   

 

Well, it proved to be every bit as painful as I anticipated.  I was fighting not to beg her to stop from pretty much the first swat, and they went on and on. But, finally it was over.

 

She didn’t say anything about when the second would happen, but I assumed it would be around bedtime, which is when the vast majority of our spankings happen. I was again left to anticipate what I had coming. And, that was surprisingly emotional.   

 

After 20+ years of hard disciplinary spankings, some of the edge around waiting for one is going to subside. But, this time, the anxiety was running extremely high, almost like it did when we were first starting out and I really didn’t know what to expect from a spanking.  Although I’ve been spanked dozens and dozens of times over the years, this was the first time I was to have two on the same day, and I was appropriately scared about what that might feel like. "Anxiety" seems too modest a word for it. It was something closer to real fear of what she was going to do to my butt.  

 

Around 9:00 pm, she was hanging out in the bedroom. I came in and, in a voice that was probably trembling a little, asked, “Do you know what time you want to do my second spanking?” 

 

“You want to do that one today?” she asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

 

“Well, that is what we discussed a couple of weeks ago . . . that any multiple spankings would happen on the same day. I assumed that was what you intended to do today . . .”

 

“Well, okay then," she replied.  "We can do that in about 30 minutes.” 

 

I couldn’t believe that she had forgotten about our discussion from a couple of weeks ago. I had just sentenced myself to a spanking that I really, really did not want, given how hard the first had been!

 

So, thirty minutes later, I found myself once again over her knee.  I didn’t really know what to expect and was secretly hoping that it would be like the multiple spankings spread out over a day or two, i.e. painful but not exponentially more the second time around.

 

Well, that proved NOT to be the case.  From the very first swat, I was in agony.  It hurt unbelievably badly no matter where on my cheeks she struck, but there was one place near the “sit spot” on one cheek that was just excruciating.

 

I also thought that maybe she would go easier on me, given how hard the first one had been and that she’d given one that hard without planning to do the second so soon after.  Nope.  It probably was shorter than her usual single spanking, but not by a lot.

 

 

The other notable thing that occurred was I think I got closer than I ever have to crying.  I yelped and cried even more than usual, and although some of that was about consciously trying to surrender myself to the possibility of crying, it wasn’t contrived. 

 

She noticed it as it was happening, and afterward she said she had thought I actually was crying. I felt like I got very close, and it might have happened had she verbalized something expressing a desire to see it happen.  

 

The next day provided other proof this had not been a typical spanking. After twenty years of this, I don’t mark very much. But, this time, parts of my butt were still a deep red, and others were visibly bruised.

 

Further, that iconic spanking phrase, “You aren’t going to be able to sit tomorrow when I’m done with you,” which is usually hyperbole, was almost true this time. I technically could sit down, but it did hurt. A lot. In fact, the more ambitious spanking threat of, “You won’t be able to sit down for a week . . .” proved close to true. 

 

The second day after the spanking, I rode the exercise bike at the gym.  Sitting on it didn’t hurt as much as I expected, probably because those seats are so narrow that it wasn't touching the most tender parts.  But, when I would get up on the pegs, my butt would brush against the front of the seat, and that was VERY painful.

 

For the next three days after the spanking, I felt it every time I sat down. And, I don't mean it was just a little tender.  I really felt it, deep in my butt, every time I sat down. For the next three days after that, I could still feel it whenever I pushed against my glutes, and it stung whenever I showered.   

 

I started drafting this post on the one-week anniversary of the two spankings, and the pain is finally mostly gone, but not entirely.

 

Oftentimes, Anne and I talk about a spanking in bed after it happens. This time, she openly declared there would be no sex afterward, and we went straight to bed.  Therefore, it was a couple of days later that we finally debriefed a bit.

 

I asked whether giving the second spanking had been challenging for her in any way.  She said something like this:

 

“When you first went over my knee, I was a little squeamish about giving you another very hard one, mostly because of the condition of your ass.  It already looked pretty bad, and that did make me a little reluctant.

 

“But, then I thought, ‘No, you earned exactly what you had coming.  You asked for multiple spankings, on the same day, for drinking too much and drinking at home alone. And, you lied to me, which really did piss me off.  So, you literally asked for it, and you had it coming. From that moment on, no, I was totally fine giving it to you.”

 

I asked her how she felt when she thought I might be crying, as in the past she’s seemed a little bit tentative about that, and I've always thought it was about the possibility that she would feel bad about making me cry.  She said that she’s mostly come around on that and now sees spanking me to real tears as a goal.  

 

 

She said that's about giving me the kind of catharsis she knows I've wanted to experience for a long time.

 

Honestly, I’m not sure that the desires I’ve had around being spanked to real tears are about catharsis. Rather, I think it’s more about a morbid attraction to the embarrassment of crying like a little boy in front of my wife as she gives me a very business-like spanking that she has determined I deserve.   

 

I do think that giving a spanking in which she thought I was crying probably ended any reticence Anne had about witnessing me sobbing over her knee.

 

So, did the “two in one day” spanking for multiple offenses check all the boxes I thought it would?  I would have to say yes.

 

Regarding deterrence, I certainly think it will make me think twice before doing something to deserve two in one day again.  And, I think it hardened Anne, in a good way, and made her much more likely to give me whatever she thinks I deserve regardless of its impact on me (pun not intended). 

 

And, while it’s hard to articulate the feeling, her willingness to take it to the next level and deliver a really, really bad spanking and be totally business-like about it did lead to a feeling of respect for her authority that does feel very maternal to me.

 

 

Also, as predicted, knowing that a second was coming in short order, I didn’t have that feeling that the second was superfluous or pointless that I’d had when there was a days-long gap between them. And, it was clear that Anne saw the drinking and the lying as separate issues, and she clearly wanted to make sure the lying was treated separately and seriously.

 

Finally, the gap between the two was more than sufficient for all the feeling in my butt to return, and then some.

 

I don’t have any specific topic related to this. Feel free to talk about anything that comes to mind.