You Asked for It - Post by a Real Consistent, Stern Spanking Wife (The Club - Meeting 544)

“One person's embarrassment is another person's accountability.” - Tom Price

 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a good week.  Unfortunately for me, my streak of good behavior finally came to an end.  Didn’t even quite make it to the end of January though, in fairness, the streak began in the last week of 2025.  And, it wasn’t an enormous fail.  Just one of those nights when a couple of drinks at dinner became nightcaps at home.  Nothing epic, but I woke up this morning remembering how much hangovers suck.

 

And, of course, the backsliding coincided with my physical incapacity for handling a spanking post-surgery becoming a non-issue.  And, of course, having been thinking continuously about how we need to get the DWC aspects of our relationship back on course, now that it might actually happen, I would really prefer to avoid one.

 

Anyway . . .

 

Thanks to those of you who contributed to our discussion last week about how our sense of identity might inhibit our DD explorations.  Mike’s original topic proposal centered on how identity might inhibit the spanking wife in particular, and I was a little concerned when I broadened it to include how identity issues affect the husbands, that it would result in that angle dominating the discussion.  Unfortunately, that did kind of happen, but we did get a little bit of the wives’ perspectives from a couple of commenters.

 

For this week, I’m going to do something a little different.  A few times over the last year or two, we’ve heard from a commenter who goes by "Hillbilly Hubby".  Several months ago, I discovered his Tumblr blog and thought it was very well done.  More recently, I discovered that his wife, who goes by "Strict Consistent Wifey", also has a Tumblr blog.  (I’ll put a link in the comments, since Blogger so often wigs out over links in posts.)

 

Most of the “blogs” on Tumblr are little more than embedded memes with maybe a few lines of text.  However, both Hillbilly Hubby and Strict Consistent Wifey actually talk in detail about their Domestic Discipline relationship. Strict Consistent Wifey recently posted about how their DD relationship began, and specifically about the emotions she experienced.  I thought it was a wonderful post and left a comment saying so.  She replied that I should feel free to share it, so I’m going to take her up on that. 

 

I’m also going to take a little bit of liberty with that permission by including another post where she introduced herself and gave a description of how she and her husband have integrated DD into their everyday lives.

 

Here are the two posts, and I’ve included the AI-generated drawings that accompanied them.  I’ll highlight a few things that really stood out to me.

 

Post #1

 

Hi, and welcome.

 

I’ve had a lot of new followers here over the last few months, so I figured it was probably time I actually introduced myself and explained what this space is.

 

A little about me. I’m a wife to @hillbillyhubby, a mother, and I have a full-time career outside the home. We’re all busy with activities most days and I’m doing the same juggling act most women are doing. I could genuinely be the mom you passed in Target today.

 

This blog exists because I wanted stories that felt like mine. We’re everyday people. Domestic discipline is foundational in our relationship, but it isn’t loud. We’re not living in a 24-hour scene. It’s integrated into our normal life in a way that continues no matter who is around, including our daughter, our extended families, and our friends. I’m happy to share a lot here, but I keep a few things locked down for privacy. No real names, and no photos or videos of us. Everything else I share as openly as I can, because I want this space to feel real.

 

We practice a semi-traditional marriage where my husband is the head of the household, but I’m responsible for the operations of our home. And in that kind of structure, the expectations for his behavior and the consequences, when needed, fall firmly in my area.

 

One thing I’ll say up front, because it matters to me and it comes up a lot, is that we’ve been very intentional about separating discipline from intimacy. That was non-negotiable for me from the very first conversation. I don’t want confusion, and I don’t want gray areas. Discipline has a clear start and stop point for us, and we keep it consistent with specific language and postures.

 

At the end of the day, this works for us because it gives us structure, and because it speaks to how we each need to be shown love and respect.

 

I do encourage questions and engagement, and I’m always happy to connect with people who feel drawn to this lifestyle. I’ll also set a boundary if something crosses a line for me, and I hope that’s understood and respected.

 

If you’re new here, I’m really glad you’re here. Welcome to my little corner of Tumblr.

 

Post #2

 

I talk a lot in this space about how strong domestic discipline has made us. Not perfect. Not unshakeable. But it has given us a foundation, and when that foundation has been tested, it has proven it can hold.

 

We had one of those tests recently.

 

A situation came up that hit right in the insecurities I have always carried. Even though I trust what we have built, the intrusive thoughts got loud for a day or two.

 

Before I tell you that story, though, I need to give you a little of the “before.”

 

Over the past few years, I have done a lot of work around self-worth. I have worked to understand myself, understand how I show up in relationships, and understand what specifically triggers my anxiety.

 

At my core, for better or worse, I want to feel chosen.

 

And throughout my life, I have let that need shape my self-worth. If you chose me, I felt valuable. If you did not choose me, I felt like I needed to work harder to prove I was worthy.

 

I know now that was unsustainable. I was never going to be able to bend myself in enough ways to actually feel chosen. I became a doormat, not a partner.

 

What I did not realize at the time was that it was not my lack of self-worth that was undermining our relationship the most.

 

It was the perception of indifference.

 

There were times he wanted to do something we both knew I would not like, and instead of being honest about it, I would adjust. I would try to morph. I would try to be okay with my needs and expectations not being met.

 

I thought I was being accommodating.

 

But what he saw was this. His presence was disposable. Like I did not care if he showed up or not.

 

I cared more than I let on. He cared that I did not care. But neither of us was in a position to let those feelings be heard.

 

I did not know he was craving accountability. I did not understand that being forthcoming with my needs and expectations, and then clearly and consistently handling it when those expectations were not met, was the answer.

 

It was not until our misunderstandings snowballed into relationship rock bottom that we both decided it was time to be radically vulnerable. It had been a long time since either of us felt safe enough to do that.

 

We had to ask the hard questions. Was it time to leave? Was it time to lay down our egos and fight for each other?

 

We both knew our daughter would be impacted by whatever decision we made. But we did not want her to be the reason we stayed together if we could not truly work. That would be worse.

 

So we talked. And for the first time in a long time, we told the truth about what each action and reaction actually felt like on the inside.

 

In those conversations, he told me what he wanted. He wanted accountability. He wanted expectations. He wanted clarity. He wanted to feel like his presence mattered.

 

And I told him what I wanted. I wanted to feel chosen and cherished. I wanted to feel certain that when the cards were on the table, it would be me. That it always had been, and always would be.

 

We said yes.

 

Yes, together, we were worth fighting for. Yes, our marriage was worth the discomfort. Yes, our life was worth the work.

 

When @hillbillyhubby told me he had an interest in exploring domestic discipline, my first thought was not that it was weird. Or that he was weird.

 

My first thought was that he would eventually resent me for it.

 

I had spent so many years trying to prevent situations where there were consequences for his actions. The idea that he wanted me to create an accountability system, and then apply it with physical consequences, was foreign to me. It felt counter to everything I thought would make us happy.

 

But since what we had been doing clearly was not working, I stayed open.

 

I asked questions. Lots of questions. I checked in constantly. We talked through what would happen if, once we started, one or both of us said, “This is not working for me.”

 

I did not want him to feel like, just because he asked for it initially, he could not change his mind if the reality did not match what he had built up in his mind.

 

And as a quick note here, because I know people wonder this right away, we were very intentional about keeping discipline and sexual intimacy separate.

 

There is no impact play as part of our sex life. There was not before, and there is not now. Discipline is its own space, with several specific postures we use, specific language, and a very clear and distinct ending.

 

It is not foreplay for us. It is not part of our bedroom dynamic. It is discipline, and it stays there.

 

This only works for us because we are both consenting adults who knowingly entered into an agreement that supports our relationship.

 

If at any point one of us wanted to revisit it, we would. We would need to.

 

But that also means that when I call for discipline, he submits and complies. If he did not, it would undermine the understanding we both have, and we would have to reevaluate.

 

I worried about hurting him for a long time, but I am learning that a lot of what I thought was “too much” was actually a threshold I created in my own mind.

 

We don’t have a safe word. He does not want to know there is an out, and he leaves the severity to my discretion. In that vein, though, humiliation is not the goal. For us, there is no groveling. No slavery language. No caging. (If those things work in your dynamic, I support your exploration of those areas.)

 

But for me, he is still my partner. He is the person I am choosing daily to build a life with. I am not going to jeopardize that by making him feel less than. Discipline is a tool to build each other toward our best, not a weapon to tear each other down.

 

So discipline is given fairly. It is explained every time. And then we take the minutes afterward to reconnect and affirm together.

 

We started small, with rules that were easy to track and did not require a judgment call.

 

Did he leave the light on in a room after he left it? Was he late and did not let me know?

 

Being late is a huge sticking point for me, and it was something we used to fight about often. The lights were not emotionally loaded, but they gave us an easy way to ease into the dynamic without making everything feel heavy.

 

We are over 18 months in now.

 

Do I still spank him for these things? Sometimes, yes. The lights still get left on occasionally, but I could not tell you the last time he was late and I did not know what to expect.

 

Now back to our recent situation.

 

Those insecurities, that old fear of not being enough to be chosen, came in like a wrecking ball.

 

In our past dynamic, I would have still been upset. I would have still been spiraling days later.

 

Now, we talked it through. We reconnected over the things that are important to us.

 

And I disciplined him. We both feel like our needs have been met and we were able to move on quickly back to the main focus, which is building and strengthening together.

 

I really, really love her second post.  It encapsulates so many things that I’m sure many disciplinary couples have felt, especially in the early stages of their DD explorations.

 

I don’t have a particular topic in mind for this.  Instead, I’ll highlight a few points that jumped out to me, and I invite the rest of you to do the same.

 

Domestic discipline is foundational in our relationship, but it isn’t loud. We’re not living in a 24-hour scene. It’s integrated into our normal life in a way that continues no matter who is around, including our daughter, our extended families, and our friends.

 

I really love that line about the DD relationship not being “loud”.  I also like the way she describes it as integrated into their normal life.  And, I love the drawing she used to illustrate that dynamic.  I don’t know that I can say the same about our level of integration, and that’s something I’d like to work on more.  In the past, I think we put too much energy into walling off the DD aspects of our relationship, out of fear (“paranoia” would be another good word) of being “outed” or of other people’s reactions.  I honestly believe it would be better for both of us if Anne’s authority were on more open display more of the time.

 

There were times he wanted to do something we both knew I would not like, and instead of being honest about it, I would adjust. I would try to morph. I would try to be okay with my needs and expectations not being met. 

 

I thought I was being accommodating. 

 

But what he saw was this. His presence was disposable. Like I did not care if he showed up or not.

 

I suspect that went on a lot in the first decade of our marriage, before we discovered Domestic Discipline, or at least the first part of it did.  I think I did a lot of accommodating on big issues, like where we lived.  But, I think Anne did a lot of accommodating and trying to “morph” on day-to-day stuff and particularly on taking on some of my admittedly brash behavior.  I had a bigger personality at that time for sure, and instead of taking it on, she retreated into the background.

 

Also, regarding a husband feeling like his presence is disposable, isn't this kind of what husbands sometimes feel when a wife says she's going to spank for something but then doesn't carry through, or when there is chronic inconsistency?  It feels like he's showing up for the relationship they both agreed to, but maybe she isn't? 

 

I did not know he was craving accountability. I did not understand that being forthcoming with my needs and expectations, and then clearly and consistently handling it when those expectations were not met, was the answer.

 

 

We are a little different on this one. She didn’t know I was craving accountability, because until I discovered the DWC, I didn’t know I was craving it.  I don’t think the DWC impacted Anne as hard and fast as it did me, but I think the fact that she was intrigued and instantly agreed to give it a try indicates that she saw the potential value in setting expectations and enforcing them.  She has told me several times that before we took up Domestic Discipline, she never felt like she had a way to assert herself and know it would be obeyed. She felt like when she did let her expectations be known, there was no way of making it stick.

 

For my part, I'm not sure I knew I needed boundaries and guardrails until the DWC came along and showed me what they could be like in an adult relationship. Looking back, I'd always had a thing for older women, especially authority figures like female teachers. I think even back then, I was craving boundaries, since I didn't have any at home, but at that stage and into my 30s, it was just a vague desire for something I couldn't really name.  The DWC revealed what that nameless was and made me wish I'd found it earlier.

 

 

When @hillbillyhubby told me he had an interest in exploring domestic discipline, my first thought was not that it was weird. Or that he was weird.

 

My first thought was that he would eventually resent me for it.

 

I had spent so many years trying to prevent situations where there were consequences for his actions. The idea that he wanted me to create an accountability system, and then apply it with physical consequences, was foreign to me. It felt counter to everything I thought would make us happy.

 

I suspect Anne would identify with much of this statement, with the exception of not thinking that domestic discipline was weird. After she reviewed the DWC website for the first time, she told me she did think it was kind of weird.  

 

But, that didn’t stop her from giving it a try.

 

I do think she worried that I would resent her for taking control, or at least that I might rebel.  I’ve mentioned that she really gravitated toward the book The Hesitant Mistress.  She told me that until she read that book, she had a hard time embracing her DD role, because she couldn’t really understand why any husband would want his DD role.  She said she always had this worry that, if she really committed, I would rebel and pull the rug out from under her. 

 

Ironically, what I really wanted was that very act of taking command that she thought might breed rebellion. Were there times I felt resentment?  Maybe a couple, but it was always temporary.  In fact, those occasions are, in retrospect, among the times that I feel we were the closest to embodying a really deep DD relationship, with her setting expectations and enforcing them regardless of my feelings. 

 

And as a quick note here, because I know people wonder this right away, we were very intentional about keeping discipline and sexual intimacy separate.

 

We haven’t been as rigorous about that.  We do not do erotic spanking at all, but it is fair to say that much of the time, sex does happen pretty quickly after a spanking is delivered.  In my mind, there is a clear separation between the two, but that separation isn’t temporal for sure.

 

It was not until our misunderstandings snowballed into relationship rock bottom that we both decided it was time to be radically vulnerable.

 

I don’t think Anne and I were ever at that “relationship rock bottom” point, but there were plainly lots of frustrations.  I also feel like, with few real guardrails, I personally was on a very unsustainable path. 

 

Was I “radically vulnerable” in bringing the Domestic Discipline idea to Anne?  Maybe.  I didn’t really think of it that way at the time.  When I discovered the DWC, it hit me so hard that I felt like I didn’t have the choice not to tell her about it. 

 

And, while I do think that telling her about it did involve making myself very vulnerable, for me the vulnerability wasn’t so much in the act of telling her but, rather, at the thought of what the reality of the kind of spanking the DWC described might entail:  How scared would I be each time I went over her knee? Would I cry like so many of the men in the DWC stories?  Could I take that level of pain and embarrassment?  Could I handle that the decision about taking it would not be mine to make from that point forward? Would I be able to handle handing all control over disciplinary matters to Anne, having no idea what she might do with it?  All of those questions definitely made me feel very vulnerable.

 

Well, that’s my take on Strict Consistent Wifey’s posts.  What’s yours?  I would encourage all of you to follow her on Tumblr.

 

Have a great week! 

Identity and How it Impacts Accepting a Role as Disciplinary Wife or Spanked Husband (Club Meeting - 543)

“To say that we mutually agree to coercion is not to say that we are required to enjoy it, or even to pretend we enjoy it.” - Garrett Hardin

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you had a great week. Mine continued my streak of boring, uneventful rehabilitation, though I’m able to be a bit more active in the gym now.  Although it has, in fact, been a boring several weeks, this also has to be the furthest I’ve ever made it into a January with most of my resolutions intact and without any big, spank-worthy behavioral failure.

 

That is, of course, a mixed bag.  It does get harder to sustain the dynamic the longer we go without a real spanking.  And, of course, when it inevitably does happen, it will hurt like hell.

 

Anyway . . . thanks to those of you who chimed in on last week’s topic.  There seems to be a lot of variability in the forms of satisfaction our wives get out of our DD relationships, the timeline for feeling that satisfaction, and the extent to which they admit to taking satisfaction in giving spankings, ordering spankings, or having that power and authority.  Among the several great comments, I really liked this one from E.:

 

My wife has only been doing this for a year. She was reluctant at first but agreed because it helped me quit drinking. It started out weekly, basically like maintenance. She admittedly did not like administering it. After 30 plus consecutive weeks she did see a marked improvement in our marriage, plus I maintained my sobriety. I introduced the idea of corrective spankings for my attitude in addition to maintenance for drinking, as well as preemptive spankings when she was intuitively expecting misbehavior on my part. She was reluctant initially but agreed to try it. This was partly because she liked the change in my behavior that she had already seen. Since November, she has spanked me on average one additional time each week, but she doesn't verbally admit to enjoying doing it. She also has started casually joking about spanking me. This happens several times each week now, as she has become more comfortable or habituated to it. I know she connects the spankings to the peace in our household, but I believe she also feels validated when I submit to her authority. She is a quiet type but has a history of being bossy in one-on-one situations. I think she secretly likes the feeling of authority over me. I think she likes me in the prone position and naked. That is why I think she will continue to develop into a disciplinary wife. I am always careful to uphold her judgement no matter what. I don't argue or rationalize. I simply submit so that this continues to progress and our marriage continues to improve. Although she doesn't like administering the spanking, she loves providing aftercare, and she likes the complete process and results. That is where she is on the spectrum, but she is still evolving so I don't know where it will lead.

 

I thought it laid out a nice progression from reluctance, to getting more comfortable with it as the benefits become apparent, to openly joking about it and otherwise becoming more comfortable and habituated to the point that she probably likes the feeling of authority if only “secretly”.

During the week, I got this topic suggestion from Mike:

 

“One of my wife’s difficulties in becoming a DWC wife seems to be around identity. For her, the idea of a “dominant wife” clashes with her self-image. In her mind, a woman who punishes her husband simply does not align with how she sees herself as a person. This raises an interesting question: To what extent does personal identity play a role for a DWC wife, and how can a woman find or develop an identity that feels authentic rather than forced or role-played?

 

This seems to be a particularly difficult topic due to the lack of direct female input within the community, yet it may be central to why many wives struggle at the beginning.”

 

 I replied:

 

“That is a good topic idea.  You're right that it's a bit challenging because of the lack of female participation, but I do think many of the men have some perspective on how their wives would likely relate to it.  I do suspect that the identity issue as you describe it is an inhibitor. And, there is the flipside, of course, i.e. men who may be interested in this kind of lifestyle but struggle with not wanting to be seen as "submissive".

 

Mike responded:

 

“You raised an interesting point that I hadn’t really considered before. But yes, for a long time it was also difficult for me to admit that, at least in certain aspects of my life — my home life — I am submissive. Even now, it still lingers in my mind to what extent my wife might see me as less of a “real man” because of our DD dynamic.

 

It would be interesting to hear to what extent others struggle with this as well, and what the process was like for them to reconcile their identity and self-image with the need for this kind of discipline.

 

I thought his topic suggestion was very interesting, so let’s do it. I’m not sure whether this is a brand new one, but I can’t remember any other time that we’ve addressed directly the issue of a wife’s perceived personal identity and how it might be an impediment to embracing the Disciplinary Wife role.  

 

Because this does seem to be a new topic for us, I haven’t been able to find any relevant comments from the wives on prior posts.  I also did ask Anne if she’d weigh in on this one, along with last week’s topic regarding enjoying giving spankings and having the authority of a Disciplinary Wife.  She indicated she would get me something, but she seems to have gotten distracted with another project.

 

I also searched my extensive collection of memes and spanking art, and I couldn’t find much that felt relevant to this issue of the spanker's, or prospective spanker’s, sense of identity presenting an impediment to adopting or embracing a Domestic Discipline role.

 

And, as Mike pointed out, this topic seems almost uniquely difficult to address without major input from the wives.  So, hopefully some of those who lurk will weigh in, and I’d encourage all our male contributors to ask their wives for input.

 

Without input from Anne or the other wives, I’m kind of winging it, but here goes . . .

 

I definitely understand and sympathize with wives who have a view of their identity that seems to conflict with being a disciplinarian.  In fact, I kind of feel that way personally.  I get lucky that Anne has no interest in being on the receiving end of a disciplinary spanking, because I’m not sure I could ever give one.  It’s probably a reflection of being a witness to domestic violence growing up, but I have a very strong, very deep, visceral negative reaction to the thought of “hurting” a woman, even if it were totally consensual.  And, I have an even more negative reaction to the thought of exercising power and authority over a woman.

 

Now, I caveated the statement about not being able to give a disciplinary spanking with “I’m not sure . . .” because in the last year or two, I’ve started feeling a little less adamant in my view that I could never, ever give a woman a spanking. I’m not sure why, but I think for some reason I’m my gut feeling against it isn’t quite as strong, and I’m more understanding of the fact that many women want to be the “bottom” in these kind of relationships for many of the same reasons I do.  I’ve always known that intellectually, but I accept it a little more in my gut now than I used to.

 

So, all that is to explain that I do understand that some women not only will not be willing to take on the role of disciplinary spanker but might feel it would conflict with the way they see themselves in some very fundamental way.

 

I think for most, however, it’s a lot more subtle than that, and many of our personality attributes are less hard-wired, and our attitudes toward engaging in certain practices less strong.  And, isn't it true that some of us sometimes have various seemingly contradictory identities that each demand some expression?

 

Further, I don’t think we should always just accept our “natural” personalities and leave it at that.  I suspect that it took Anne a while to start really identifying with her disciplinary role, but I think she would readily admit that at the time I proposed that we try the kind of lifestyle depicted in The Disciplinary Wives Club, she lacked confidence and tended to passive-aggression whenever disputes inevitably arose. I’m very sure that she likes the more confident personality that came into play over time, even if it probably didn’t feel natural in the beginning.  Personalities, preferences, and interests can and do change over time, sometimes for the better.

 

 

That obviously applies to those of us who are on the receiving end of our wife’s discipline.  In fact, the whole reason I found the DWC so appealing was that it was such a huge departure from our then-current relationship dynamic, and it seemed like such a fundamental challenge to my identity; an identity that I wasn’t always happy with.  I knew that I needed boundaries placed around my personality’s excesses and needed some humbling.

 

I also think that one answer to Mike’s observation that wives may struggle with a conflict between their perceived identity and the role of disciplinary spanker is to not make that gap larger than it needs to be.  One reason I think the DWC appealed to many women was that it didn’t seem like a huge stretch from ordinary married life. It didn’t involve any of the “whips and chains” Femdom dynamic or the play-acting and scenes often associated with BDSM.  It could involve an expansive power shift but didn’t have to. No special dress or uniform required.  Just be yourself, but with a bit more power to get your way.

 

To me, one practical lesson from the DWC is that it is most likely to work when the husband is asking the wife to “stretch” her comfort zone a bit but not to suddenly become something totally different. The more we layer up the initial arrangement with fantasies that aren’t aligned with who our wives typically are, the more she’s likely to reject the whole thing. 

 

Now, that said, as I prepared for this post by going through some of the DWC materials, I was a little surprised at how little they addressed the issue of how a wife might make the leap if her identity wasn’t naturally that of a “take charge” disciplinarian.  In some of the materials, there did seem to be this implicit assumption that the lifestyle was so self-evidently empowering that women would just naturally jump into the role if they gave it a try.  It’s certainly true that none of the stories depict a wife who really struggles to reconcile who she thinks she is with what a DWC-style relationship might entail.

 

I wonder whether part of that presumption that women would find this kind of relationship natural was related to the way the DWC promoted the “maternal” aspect of Domestic Discipline.  Even if a wife didn’t naturally think of her identity as including taking charge of her husband, she might already be in charge of kids and much of the household dynamic.  Maybe it just didn’t seem like much of a stretch to expand the maternal identity to encompass providing much-needed discipline to a misbehaving husband?   

 

One of our commenters who I miss a lot, KOJ, described his wife’s attitude toward her role like this:

 

But the day-to-day operations of our home were totally her domain, and I just took my marching orders (or else). Eventually, that authority spread to my behavior in all situations. She believed that most men are little boys in big bodies and need to be reined in by loving female authority. ‘Loving’ included punishment, which could be severe.

 

When I asked Anne to consider a DWC-style relationship, I was asking her to expand her comfort zone, but I don’t think I was suggesting a sudden “major” change that would make her feel like she was violating some aspect of her identity.  Also, I think it helped that initially there was a set of agreed-upon rules, and I was to report weekly on whether I’d broken them, with the minimum spanking severity being a purely mathematical function.  Unless she wanted to add more than was required, stretching her comfort zone didn’t have to involve much more than swinging a paddle a prescribed number of times. The first time the tally added up to a shockingly high (in my view) number of swats, there was an aspect of, "This is what we both agreed to," that probably made it feel much more casual to her than it did to me in that moment.

 

And, today, after more than 20 years of this, she's increasingly comfortable in not just embodying the role but, to some extent, displaying it.

 

 

So, to the extent you know or have a reasonable belief, how has “identity” impacted your wife’s willingness or ability to embrace her DD role?  Was it ever an impediment to adopting that role?  If so, were the two of you able to find ways to help make your disciplinary practices compatible with her identity? Or, did her personality/identity grow or change over time to meet the role?

 

And, what about the point I raised with Mike regarding how “identity” impacts the husbands?  This is probably much less of an issue for those who see themselves as “submissive”, but Mike noted that he struggled with whether his wife would see him as less manly; manliness is certainly one aspect of personality that some of us identify strongly with or hope that others identify us with.  And, what about those of us who struggle to reconcile their DD desires with the fact that they do not see themselves a submissive?  Are there other ways in which your identity and your status as a DD husband might feel incompatible?  How did you/do you deal with that?

 

I don’t know why, but I don’t think I ever really struggled with a perceived incompatibility between my identity and my DD desires.  It may be that the DWC materials again were helpful, in that the men in the stories weren’t portrayed as “wimpy” or stereotypically submissive.  I also think it helped that I recognized that my personality was probably too manly at times. I didn’t see changing certain aspects of my identity as a bad thing; in fact, that was kind of the goal.

 

But, I can think of one specific area where DD probably did cause some tension.  A few years ago, there were a couple of incidents in which Anne scolded me very strongly, and gave a couple of very hard spankings, when she objected to how I had talked at a social event or engaged with others.  She saw it as overbearing, and she took offense—or thought others might take offense—at some specific comments I made. I just didn’t see it that way, but the problem wasn’t so much that we disagreed but that it felt like she was trying to manage my communications, and verbal communications had always been at the heart of my career and, in fact, my whole identity. Those were one of the few times that I felt real resentment after a spanking, and it didn’t go away quickly.

 

But, it did go away, or at least it seemed to become less of an issue over time.  Although it was hard at the time, I recognized that it was part and parcel of giving up control in a real way. I’d always said I wanted Anne to exercise more control and that she had the power to discipline me whenever she thought it was needed.  The identity-based issue of how I communicated with others was such an area, and for this to be real, I had to accept it even if I didn’t like it.

 

How about you?  Has your identity made it harder, or easier, to accept your role as a disciplined husband?  If it has been an issue, how did you deal with it?

His Spanking - Her Satisfaction/Pleasure/Fulfillment (Club Meeting - 542)

 “To exact revenge for yourself or your friends is not only a right, it's an absolute duty.” -Stieg Larsson

 Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a great week. Mine was, once again, pretty uneventful.  Trips to the gym.  Physical therapy.  Some hikes in the woods. And, despite all the physical activity, disappointment at how freaking hard it is to get the number on the scale to start heading down in a meaningful way.  Sigh.

 

Thanks for the positive feedback on the changes to the blog. I hope that the inclusion of DWC materials, and my updates to my own Tips & Methods section, makes the blog more useful as a centralized resource for those exploring this lifestyle for the first time.

 

As for last week’s post, although we didn’t get a huge number of comments, there were some good ones on spanking when angry.  I think my primary takeaway from it was that, while most wives don’t routinely spank in anger, when they do we tend to really remember it.  There clearly is an emotional power in her anger that gets transmitted into our minds through our bottoms.

 

It also seems to be the case that anger can free the wife to give the kind of spanking the behavior deserves. As TB noted:

 

The few times she has punished me in the heat of anger have been truly memorable. The emotion seems to fuel her strength and determination, whilst making her even more oblivious to my discomfort.

 

The commenter going by DD concurred regarding how anger often results, perhaps unsurprisingly, in a much longer and harder spanking:

 

“My wife spanks me angry routinely. When she is upset the spankings are worse but deserved. I will usually get a much longer and more intense verbal dressing down before and during the spanking when she is upset and spanks in the moment. They definitely help her burn off the anger. She is usually not angry anymore 5-10 minute after the spanking ends. She has also spanked me a few times when I was angry/upset and it definitely fixed my attitude as well.”

 

 

The other big takeaway was that when women do spank in anger, it does seem to result in a kind of catharsis for them. Further, the anger seems to be a gateway for some women to make a transition from seeing DD as something done exclusively for his benefit, to something that serves her emotional interests as well.  This was illustrated in this comment from Mike:

 

“I’m pretty late to the discussion, but I want to share my own experience regarding anger. Normally, my wife spanks me about once a month to deal with all my misdemeanors from the previous month. Because so much time has usually passed between the transgressions and the spanking, there’s no real emotion on her side. She doesn’t like spanking me, so it’s fairly clinical and not as severe as it could—or perhaps should—be.

 

A few months ago, though, we had an instance where we got into a big fight in the morning and she was genuinely upset with me. The kids weren’t awake yet, so she ordered me to the basement and started spanking me OTK with her hand. She was livid and really letting me have it. She had me change sides twice because her hand hurt and she needed to use the other one. The whole time, she was telling me how lucky I was that she’d forgotten the paddle upstairs.

 

The spanking itself wasn’t that bad since she only used her hand—I’ve had worse—but the emotional effect was very different. I felt that, in that moment, she was spanking me because she wanted to, not because she felt obligated to. Afterwards, she told me she actually felt a lot better and that the issue was settled (her hand was still red and sore while she was sitting in her work meeting later that morning).

 

So, I think that, especially for women who don’t enjoy giving spankings, anger can act as a catalyst.

  

So, given that it seems to have so many benefits—a memorable experience for him, a catharsis for her, the slate cleared, and perhaps a sense that justice was served--why does there seem to be such reluctance when it comes to spanking in anger and such a premium placed on composure and control?  MW noted one possibility:

 

"Don't spank in anger" seems like a principle from when the spanker is a man or a parent, when lack of self-control would be harmful. A typical woman can't hurt a man in the same way. Please understand I'm not speaking to the real problem of domestic violence, only commenting on a wife's relative size and power in a domestic discipline relationship.

 

It's an interesting thought.  I also suspect that we’ve all been conditioned—women in particular—to see anger as an exclusively negative emotion.

 

Similarly, aren’t we all conditioned to view concepts like retribution and revenge—also referred to, a bit more lightly, as “payback”—in a negative light?  But, should we?  If we’re honest, isn’t payback part of the benefits of DD that a Disciplinary Wife can, and perhaps should, enjoy?

 

In keeping with the spirit of Alan’s suggestion that I try to incorporate archived comments from some of our Disciplinary Wife commenters from long ago, here is something “Holly” had to say about her motivations for spanking her husband:

 

“Deterring his childish and unacceptable behavior is my reason for spanking him. It was my original reason, encouraged by my mother (appropriately), and I had reason to believe it was something he wanted too, but he was unable to admit he needed boundaries (now he readily admits it).

 

But my desire to punish him is also part of it and was probably there from the beginning. I am getting stricter with him, which means his appointments with Ms. Strap happen once or twice a month. Controlling his behavior is still what motivates me, but payback with a sound spanking is part of what I get out of it too. I guess what I am saying is—and I’m a little shocked at saying it—even if I got no behavior rewards from spanking him, I still would do it for punishment.

 

Maybe I am turning into a bitch, but men just do better with boundaries and consequences.” – Holly

 

 

One thing I always appreciated about Holly was her seeming clarity and self-awareness about her own motivations.  I sometimes wonder whether one of the biggest impediments to wives adopting Domestic Discipline readily and joyfully is reluctance to entertain some of these emotions or desires—like “payback”—out of a fear of being judged or out of a kind of deeply socialized belief that those kinds of emotions are wrong.  Yet, isn't there something very natural and human in taking some satisfaction in someone getting what they have coming?

 

 

But, it seems like the reluctance to admit to taking some pleasure in being the agent of his accountability often recedes over time and, in some cases, is replaced with candidly admitting to enjoying at least the power to spank and, in some rare cases, to enjoying the spanking itself.  Here are is a comment from former commenter “Elizabeth”, illustrating the transition from spanking as obligation to spanking as a satisfying expression of female power:

 

“This is going to sound silly, but when I started spanking my husband, I had no idea that it would give me power. I thought I was providing him a service that he had requested, not unlike ironing his shirts!

 

He identified the behaviors that he thought he should be punished for, and he confessed when he had misbehaved. I then carried out the discipline in a rather clinical way. It was not exciting for me, and I did not really think it was giving me any special authority over him. I got the benefit of his improved behavior, but no direct benefit to me.

 

Over time, however, I began to realize the power that he had offered me, and it began to change our relationship significantly and even change me personally. I became much more assertive, not just with him but in other aspects of my life. And then as our DD relationship developed, I began to exercise more power over him, such as totally controlling his drinking.

 

I began to enjoy having that power.  It wasn't erotic for me for a long time. It was just a sense of excitement, and even comfort, that I had authority that I once didn't have; that I knew he would listen to me and stop arguing when I ordered him to.

 

Over a number of years, this authority has drifted into the bedroom as well. It was always erotic for him, as his erections before and after punishment showed me from the very beginning. But now, I am much more assertive in bed, and the frequency of receiving oral sex has increased dramatically for me (on command) and decreased dramatically for him (on his birthday and our anniversary). While he initiated the idea of me being more in control in the bedroom, as has happened with virtually all our changes related to DD, I am the one who is now in charge of it. And I admit that now I do feel that there is something erotic about bossing him around and having this degree of authority over him, in and out of the bedroom.

 

I find all this very surprising but also very beneficial to our marriage.”

 

It seems like admitting that feeling empowered by DD is hard, and admitting that the empowerment is very erotic is even harder, yet some women like Elizabeth get there.  Here is a similarly candid comment from Susie; this comment being, I believe, the one time we’ve heard directly from Al’s wife:

 

“As Al has posted here before, I simply enjoy the power that being a disciplinary wife brings to me. I enjoy giving the actual spanking and his reactions, and bringing him to complete submissiveness as I spank him. Bad attitudes and arguments are settled at once, and once settled we are closer, more intimate, and more open with each other because of it. That is a huge benefit of being a Disciplinary Wife.

 

Spanking has helped him improve certain bad behaviors and habits as well but, most importantly, it has somewhat improved his tendency to be arrogant and condescending. He still has a problem with it, but there's nothing like a good butt blistering to remind him that he is not so tough after all. And it sure makes me feel better.” Susie (Al’s wife)

 

Susie is one of a very small handful of commenters who have admitted to enjoying not only the authority and power of being a Disciplinary Wife but also to enjoying the spanking itself, including .  Here is a similar admission from Danielle:

“Incidentally, the problem wasn’t a reluctance to spank on my part. On the contrary, I had started to enjoy spankings. I liked having the power to humble Wayne that way. I liked the one-sided “discussions” when he was bent over with his bottom bared. I liked deciding whether to use the paddle, the hairbrush, or the strap, and how long and hard to apply them depending on my mood and the reason for punishment. I liked the sound of the implements striking bare skin. I liked how responsive he was, physically and vocally. I think Brett is right about spanking being “a form of communication.” As such, it is a form of self-expression for the spanker.”

 

In your DD relationship, where does the Disciplinary Wife fall on the spectrum of experiencing—and admitting to experiencing—enjoyment, catharsis, satisfaction, or other positive emotions from giving a spanking or from being a spanking wife?

 

Does she see it primarily as a chore, like Elizabeth in the early days, or does she experience the kind of satisfaction Holly experienced in holding her husband accountable?

 

If she admits to some personal enjoyment or satisfaction, is it associated with the power and authority, the payback, the accountability, or with giving the spanking itself?  Some combination of these? 

 

Has her level of enjoyment or satisfaction changed over time? If so, were there particular events or circumstances that seemed to be inflection points?  Connecting this topic to last week's, was it the case that acknowledging her own anger helped nudge her from seeing spanking as a chore to getting some personal satisfaction or enjoyment out of it?

 

Alan (and maybe Glenmore?) had suggested that I interview Anne, or solicit her views, on some posts. I think I’ll try to do this for this one, but I didn’t decide on this topic soon enough to get her views before posting. If she gives me those views, I’ll either update the post or put in in the comments.  But, I’ll note for now that in the past she’s drawn a line between enjoying the process of ordering a spanking and enjoying the spanking itself.  

 

She’s said that she enjoys the whole pre-spanking process, especially ordering me to get ready for the spanking, knowing that I really don’t want one. She admits to taking pleasure in watching me comply when she orders me to go to the bedroom; coming into the bedroom and finding me standing there naked, with her tools laid out on the ottoman; and, ordering me to go over her knee and watching me do it, know what she is about to do to me.  

 

And, I do think she enjoys the whole process of leaving me anxiously anticipating what is going to happen.

 

What she’s been a little less clear about is whether she enjoys the spanking itself.  I suspect that her answer might be different today than earlier in our DD journey.

 

I look forward to your comments on this one.  Have a great week.