“Power is not a means; it is an end.” - George Orwell
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute. Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.
I hope you all had a good week. Mine was fairly good, though there were a couple of instances of carelessness that left me frustrated with myself. And, the week ended with a very long lunch with a friend at which “a few beers” arguably became a few too many, though my own view is it was kind of borderline. And, it didn’t morph into other bad conduct, like staying up late. So, I’m probably owed a spanking, though it’s one of those situations in which what Anne thinks she’s spanking for her different from what I think I am being spanked for.
Thanks to those of you who talked about the role of embarrassment in your Domestic Discipline relationship, including the embarrassment associated with crying. Given my morbid fascination with crying from a spanking and my inability to experience it after 20+ years, I got some hope from comment from Edward, who said:
“I had a breakthrough about two years ago, and broke down into tears, with all out bawling, and sobbing. This was after years of D.D. with never crying once. Since then, it's happened many times, and it comes much easier.”
Another interesting comment came from Jake, who opined about the relationship between crying and authority:
My own view is that much of what drives all this emotionally is differences in status and times where those differences are not just exposed but emphasized. So, what I see bringing on a feeling of vulnerability is simply her being in a position of authority, which she feels is appropriate to the relationship and an eager, smirking willingness not just to exercise it, but to have occasions where her subordinate affirms it in a manner at odds with his own dignity.
It makes sense that those who have cried hard while being spanked point to the importance of scolding. Being held accountable by a romantic partner who considers you in need of discipline is humbling.
I tend to see hard crying as an expression of acknowledging authority. An unstated but heartfelt and deeply embarrassing declaration that "You're in charge here. This is the right way to handle my misbehavior. Spanking works!", validates the disciplinarian's beliefs about their relative status and her role.
So much of spanking in general is about a demonstration and reestablishment of authority. Some of the language of spanking is about this, e.g. being put in one's place, or receiving a reality check, as is the emphasis on the spankee being humbled in multiple ways (e.g. listening instead of talking, having to justify one's behavior to someone else, state of dress, physical position) instead of it being strictly about pain.
Jake's comments suggest something that I think is implicit in DD but that we don't talk about a lot, namely that it is, at the end of the day, an arrangement that is purpose-built for shifting the power dynamic. In our egalitarian society, it cuts against the grain in intentionally giving one partner unequal power. It's why I've always liked this cartoon by KDPierre (sorry, I'm not aware of place he currently is posting his art):
Jake’s emphasis on authority, and how authority affects important aspects of the DD relationship and the emotions involved, was a good lead-in for this topic suggestion from Norton:
I would be curious to hear more about how many of you feel about your wife being in charge and embracing her role. Some of the comments almost sound like complaining about being in this subordinate position, when the usual reason it is happening is because we almost always have asked for it. As mentioned before, I am grateful to have found a woman who is willing and able to discipline me, and seems to enjoy doing it. It may be painful and embarrassing, but my life and our relationship is better because of DD.
Now, I don’t personally detect “complaining” about being in a subordinate position and am not sure which comments Norton is referencing. However, I also think that to the extent a wife really is “in charge” and really does have the authority to make independent decisions where discipline and rules are concerned, complaining or resentment seems kind of inevitable.
If the husband always and without exception agrees with his wife’s disciplinary decisions, is she really “in charge” or is she, rather, just doing what he wants by delivering spankings for things he already thinks he should be spanked for. To me, a wife “embracing” her role of being in charge (of disciplinary decisions at least) means getting comfortable with making and enforcing decisions that he does not agree with.
Part of really embracing authority includes rejecting any attempts to limit it. In the DWC’s “Tips & Methods” section, Aunt Kay advised wives to push back adamantly on any attempt to undermine their disciplinary authority:
“The first thing you must do is to explain the golden rule of your proposed (or existing) disciplinary relationship. He must render complete obedience to you with regard to disciplinary issues at all times and must be willing to carry out any and all orders you give him without question or hesitation.
The first time he refuses to obey an order you need to stop and have a serious talk with him right then and there. If the husband is allowed to dictate when he will or will not obey an order, then that leaves some question as to who is really in charge, doesn't it? Once he has agreed to these terms and understands that the whole scene will end permanently if he is not cooperative, you are ready to begin.”
Note that this entails the wife establishing her authority at the beginning of the DD relationship. I do wonder how realistic that is, as I think women often get hit cold with their husbands’ requests for a disciplinary relationship, and unless the woman is naturally dominant, it takes time for confidence to grow into comfort in exercising authority. For most people, leadership is a learned skill not an innate attribute.
Norton’s question focused not on to what extent a wife should be in charge but, rather, on how we husbands feel when she does take charge, to whatever extent that may be.
When I think back over our 20+ years in this lifestyle, the times that really stand out have little to do with the spanking itself. Instead, my strongest feelings tend to involve times when she exercised her authority in some way that exemplified her taking more control, becoming more comfortable giving direction, or making her own determinations about what should be punished and how. Sometimes it was more subtle; just something she did or said that indicated she had made the leap from accommodating my requests for discipline to really seeing herself as in charge.
There was the time in the very early days, when we tallied up a minimum number of swats for identified offenses, and I had a "bad week," resulting in a seriously intimidating number of swats with the heavy fraternity-style paddle. expressed concern that I couldn’t take it, having never taken anything close to that many before. To this day, I vividly remember Anne showing no mercy, telling me, “Well, that’s too bad because you earned it. You are going to take every swat you have coming.”
There was the first time she gave me a surprisingly hard spanking for repeatedly failing to do a minor household chore correctly.
Or, the time when we were hosting Christmas brunch and, after a couple of glasses of champagne, I made some cocky retort when she asked me to do something in the kitchen. She replied, “Well, you can do it, or I can just take you upstairs and spank you.” I don’t think anyone heard it, but others were within earshot.
Or, the first time she really lit into me with a lecture that was cutting and really hurt my pride. After sulking about it for a couple of weeks, I accepted that it had been deserved. I also accepted that maybe it didn't really matter whether I accepted.
Today, even with the benefit of 20+ years of increasing self-awareness about why I want and need this lifestyle, my strong desire for imposed authority leads to a very complicated mix of feelings. In virtually every other aspect of my life, I won't tolerate being subject to someone else's dictates. Yet, in my marriage, I crave it. And, I crave her sense of her authority becoming so solid that she pays little or no attention to my misgivings or excuses.
I think I did recognize early on that my attraction to DD included a perverse need to have my emotional boundaries pushed, but not with the clarity I have today. And, back then I didn't get that my DD fascination was related more to being subject to my wife's authority than to her spankings per se.
I’m not sure why it took me so long to really understand that aspect of my attraction, since broad female authority was replete in the DWC website content and handbooks that kicked off my interest in DD. Aunt Kay emphasized repeatedly what she saw as the very broad authority bestowed on disciplinary wives:
“A relationship where the woman of the house applies discipline to the men in her life, whenever and however she sees fit, is a happier, healthier and better world.”
“The definition of a DWC relationship is that the woman’s role involves providing moral and behavioral guidance to the man and invests in her the absolute authority to decide upon and wield punishments accordingly. The man’s role is to accept this authority and strive to gain benefit from it.”
“Receiving benefit from discipline begins well before you ever reach the point of actually experiencing an old-fashioned spanking. It begins with your awareness of your wife’s personal power and your belief that she is indeed the right woman to handle you. Expect to be obedient!”
“Remember where it all began. You asked your wife to please take over your discipline. You have empowered her to assume the maternal role and have agreed to take the child role with respect to discipline. You want, more than anything else, for her to be powerful, assertive and in control. It is a beautiful thing, really. Your obedience and compliance will greatly assist her in reaching her full potential.”
I generally agree with Aunt Kay that most of who are attracted to a DD relationship desire a partner who is powerful, assertive, and in control, though we have different visions for how broad that control and authority should be. The only thing I quibble with is the idea that wives can go from a fairly traditional, equitable role to “in charge” by simply deciding it will be so. Gaining authority is usually a process, not an event.
As for how I feel about my wife being in charge and embracing her role, it’s very dependent on timing. When we’re going through day-to-day life and there aren’t many demonstrations of authority, I’m exactly like the husbands who Aunt Kay identified as craving a strong authority figure. In those moments, I want someone who is firmly in charge and projects a confidence in giving direction that shows she embraces her role.
When it’s actually happening, however, it’s more of a mixed bag. When it has happened in connection with a spanking, honestly, what I’ve felt is disquieted or disturbed. When I recall incidents like insisting I would take every swat under our tally system or giving me a very hard spanking for what I saw as minor forgetfulness on a household chore, it was like there was a sudden and unexpected realization that the world and my perception of my place in it had changed. I’d gotten what I thought I wanted, but it was disturbing.
I equate some of this to feelings I had when encountering authority as a child. I can recall a few instances at home or at school when I got in trouble—including one time that I got spanked by a parent and another when an uncle threatened a spanking—and it felt like this flash of realization that someone actually had authority over me and really might make me accept their rules whether I agreed with them or not.
I recall one story here on the blog that I thought really conveyed that sense of discovering one’s wife had really embraced her authority. It came from KOJ, who related an incident in which he ignored his wife’s instruction to limit himself to one drink at a party. She asked the hostess to let her use one of the bedrooms, then took him upstairs and gave him a sound spanking. Although the party was loud, he thought it likely that some guests heard him getting spanked. He described the feelings it evoked:
“I also totally agree that escalating the punishment to semi-public had a profound effect on me and our relationship. It planted a healthy fear in my heart and made it clear how much authority she really wielded!”
In my case, after the feeling of being shaken up by the change in our power structure passed, I would usually feel turned on, coupled with an increased sense of respect for my wife.
As we’ve focused on “smaller” things, like carelessness, I also sometimes feel a mild sense of anxiety, like I’m walking on eggshells. But, I feel like “anxious” is too negative. It’s more like, I feel a heightened awareness of my actions and of possible unpleasant consequences. Which is kind of what most of us want when we ask for a DD relationship, right?
Some of these deeper feelings can be triggered by very subtle shows of authority. Like that time at the Christmas brunch when she threatened a spanking. Probably no one overheard it, but they could have. What I recall feeling was that I was being put in my place firmly and instantaneously. It was humbling but also a turn-on. More recently, in fact just a few days ago, there was something even more subtle. We were in bed, engaging in some foreplay discussion before the main event. She brought up the prospect of getting DD back on track after our recent bouts of Covid.
We do talk about DD quite a bit during those foreplay conversations, but it used to be me bringing it up. Now, it’s more often her, which itself is a sign that she’s becoming more and more comfortable with her role. But, it was more than that. She told me that she had just finished a book about women “reclaiming their power”, and the juxtaposition to her reference to getting our DD back on track felt like a subtle yet unmistakable indication that she was really internally exploring her own desire to be more in charge. It was a very brief statement – just a reference to a book she’d read. Yet, there was such a deeper meaning, and what I felt about it was, honestly, totally turned on by the prospect of her “claiming her female power” over me.
It seems like when we talk about these authority issues here in the group, it often degenerates into an argument over semantics, including whether each of us perceives ourselves to be in an FLR or FLR-like relationship. Let’s try to avoid that this time. Instead, whatever each wife’s level of authority may be, what are your feelings about it, especially in those moments were she pushes it to—or over—what was formerly what you thought was a limit?
What about when she says or does something that indicates she embracing being in charge? Is it a turn on? Or, is there something kind of disturbing or disquieting about it?
What about when she pushes that authority in ways you find difficult, or embarrassing, or limiting? Have there been times that she’s exercised her authority in a way you didn’t agree with, like maybe putting her foot down on something or limiting your autonomy in some way you didn’t anticipate? How did that make you feel?
I hope you all have a great week.
FYI, I’ve added a link in the comments to a spanking video that someone sent me recently. The situation is contrived, and the husband’s acting is pretty bad, but it is one hell of a spanking for some simple carelessness. Enjoy!
