"Less is More" or "More is More" - Spanking Frequency and a Wife Taking Away her Husband's Control (The Club - Meeting 545)

Reasonable orders are easy enough to obey; it is capricious, bureaucratic or plain idiotic demands that form the habit of discipline. - Barbara W. Tuchman

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you had a great week.  Mine was, for the first time in a long while, very painful on the Domestic Discipline front.  Our long pause had been the result of two independent factors.  First, my recovery from surgery made a spanking kind of dicey. Second, my behavior had been surprisingly good for a surprisingly long time.  The first has become less of an issue.  As for the second, it was always just a matter of time, right? 

 

Because it had been so long, I knew it was going to hurt like hell.  The anticipatory nerves were stronger than I’ve had in a while.  Although the sentiment expressed in this meme is a wise way to approach an upcoming butt blistering, it doesn’t really take account of just how bad those ten minutes are, does it?  

 

 

Moreover, this incident involved not one spanking, but two.  But, that's a story for another post.

So, today I write this sitting on a very sore ass.  Yet, overall, I feel better now that concrete steps were taken to get us back on course.

 

Thanks to those who participated on last week’s topic.  I hope you enjoyed the posts by Strict Consistent Wifey.  The vulnerability and openness with which she writes about her DD relationship is wonderful.  I hope she keeps it up for a long time to come!

 

A few weeks ago, TB left a comment that I’ve been planning to build a topic around.  So, here goes:

 

Our ladies can be quite fickle. Only a few weeks ago I reported that we had, after a long discussion, agreed that we (she) would focus on much more severe but less frequent spankings directly linked to some specific behaviour improvements and goals. The theory being that I would be more motivated to avoid such truly painfully long sessions.

 

On Tuesday, she announced a ‘reset’ in response to a relatively minor misdemeanour the night before. It was what I would call an uncomfortable but ‘medium’ strapping.

 

Two days later she again expressed dissatisfaction with some minor irritability on my behalf, and I was duly punished once more, still feeling the effects of the previous very recent punishment.

 

It’s been a long time since I have been subjected to two strappings within 48 hours. When I (tentatively) reminded her of our discussion about ‘less is more’, she calmly replied that she was now of the clear view that ‘more is more’ and that any and every misdemeanour she intended to deal with even if it meant daily punishments. I have no idea what has changed her view… She was the exact opposite of ‘angry’ before and during the second session - more like ‘confident, relaxed and determined’ which is quite an intimidating combination.

 

Just shows how much control I have!!

 

Consistent with some of my recent posts, I’m not going to seek to come up with a single, tightly defined topic.  Instead, I’ll talk about some of the points TB’s comment raised for me and invite the rest of you to do the same.

 

The primary issue his comment raises for me is the nature of “control” and how a DD relationship inherently means giving it up to some degree.  More specifically, for me it raises how the act of giving up some control may, and probably often does, result in having even more control taken away.

 

Giving up control and handing it over to the wife was central to the lifestyle the Disciplinary Wives Club advocated.  It was explicitly stated in the Tips & Methods section:

 

“The first thing you must do is to explain the golden rule of your proposed (or existing) disciplinary relationship. He must render complete obedience to you with regard to disciplinary issues at all times and must be willing to carry out any and all orders you give him without question or hesitation.”

 

 In her pamphlet on “Persuading”, which was aimed at helping men approach their wives about taking up the paddle, Aunt Kay advised husbands to make this handing over of control an explicit part of the “pitch” to their wives about what a DWC relationship would entail.  She saw it as part of the “confidence building” process for new Disciplinary Wives. 

Always remember this vital point. The central point in a DWC relationship is that you both agree that the DWC wife owns the "stronger role" and that the  man cannot, ever, use his superior strength to intimidate the woman or to prevent her from administering discipline. He must always submit, even if he thinks she is wrong. With this reality firmly in your mind you will be helping her still further to experience the reality of the whole program.

 

Although handing over control was central to her message, she was a realist that it wasn’t an easy thing to do and that not getting his way could lead to some resentment, finishing her thoughts on his obligation to always submit with this:

 

Guess what, bad boys have resented getting their comeuppance since the

beginning of time. That doesn't change. 

  

One question I’d have for the group is to what extent have you handed total control over disciplinary matters in the way Aunt Kay describes?

 

Although she recognized how challenging giving up control can be, isn’t it also part of the “why” for some of us?  I know that it was a big part of the morbid attraction I had to the DWC when I first discovered it. I’ve always had a strong need to feel like I’m in control of my life, and my profession exacerbated my control “issues”.  Yet, by the time I discovered the DWC, I was starting to understand that being in control all the time felt increasingly like a burden.

 

Therefore, as I recall, taking away some of my control and handing it over to Anne was part of my “pitch” to her when I first told her about the DWC.

 

It also is, coincidentally, the only thing about our DWC arrangement that she has spoken about to our adult kids.  A couple of years ago, one of them commented to Anne that she seemed to increasingly in charge in our relationship, including making more decisions on her own.  The conversation took her by surprise, as we’ve never said anything to them about the power exchange we’ve been exploring for so long.  Her response was something to the effect of, “Your dad is always in charge at work, and he gets tired of making all the decisions all the time.  So, when he’s home he would rather leave more things up to me.” A more thoroughly honest response would have been more like this:

 

Another issue TB’s comment raised for me is that when we give up control to our wives in a real and substantial way, there is always the possibility that they will take things in a direction we didn’t anticipate and might even disagree with.

 

He wanted something like this:

 

But, she went in the opposite direction. Something more like this, only even more rigorous:

 

 

For me, that hasn’t happened often, but there have been a few times. It hasn’t been so much about big issues like what the approach to spanking frequency should be, as it was for TB, but more along the lines of her taking some offense more seriously than I did or, on a few occasions, punished me for something I didn’t really agree with.

 

I’ve talked a few times about one incident from several years ago, in which Anne spanked me for forgetting to clean a rice cooker after dinner.  Getting spanked for it wasn’t a surprise; I had forgotten to clean it several times before and her frustration with the ongoing forgetfulness had been apparent.  What surprised me was the severity of the spanking she doled out.  It was very long and very, very hard.  Her demeanor was also very stern.  After she thoroughly blistered my ass, she told me, in a very authoritative voice, to get dressed and go clean the rice cooker. Then, she walked out of the room with a confident stride.

 

I still recall how tender my ass was as I pulled my pants up.  But, what I really remember is having this very disquieting realization that I was not in control anymore and she was.  I had seen the rice cooker thing as a fairly minor offense and had expected a moderate spanking.  Instead, she had laid into me hard and long. 

 

In the past, I’d gotten very hard spankings, but I’d almost always agreed that I had them coming.  As it turns out, that agreement and acceptance had blunted some of their emotional force.  This time, I’d gotten the kind of “good licking” that Aunt Kay advocated for, but for something I had seen as not a big deal.  It was . . . unsettling . . . having it demonstrated in such a painful way that I had asked her to take away my control, and she finally had.  It wasn't that we disagreed that was so unsettling. It was the dawning realization that my agreement didn't matter one way or another.

 

The final issue TB’s comment raises for me is related to his wife’s “more is more” pronouncement?  How do our wives look at that?  Do they follow his wife’s “more is more” philosophy, or his “less but more severe” suggestion? 

 

For us, I don’t get spanked all that often.  It averages out to less than once a month, and we often have phases in which I might go two or three months without one.   

 

However, I generally agree with TB’s wife’s approach.  I would like—or I think I would like—to at least experience a period with Anne getting super strict, dealing with “every misdemeanor” as TB phrased it, even if that might mean getting spanked daily for a while.

 

It's definitely not the case that I want to be spanked that frequently. But, part of me has a craving to experience being taken in hand so strictly that I’m constantly at least a little nervous about whether she might spank me again soon.  

 

Growing up, my parents were the opposite of strict, and part of me wants to experience feeling like I’m living under the guidance of a super “strict mom”.

 

And, there is the fact that TB’s wife was the one who initiated the “more is more” approach.  The reality for us has always been me suggesting that more is better when it comes to strictness. The fantasy would be Anne doing it on her own, exercising control in a way that demonstrates that mine is being taken from me, whether I like it or not.

 

I look forward to hearing your thoughts about all this.  Have a great week.

You Asked for It - Post by a Real Consistent, Stern Spanking Wife (The Club - Meeting 544)

“One person's embarrassment is another person's accountability.” - Tom Price

 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you all had a good week.  Unfortunately for me, my streak of good behavior finally came to an end.  Didn’t even quite make it to the end of January though, in fairness, the streak began in the last week of 2025.  And, it wasn’t an enormous fail.  Just one of those nights when a couple of drinks at dinner became nightcaps at home.  Nothing epic, but I woke up this morning remembering how much hangovers suck.

 

And, of course, the backsliding coincided with my physical incapacity for handling a spanking post-surgery becoming a non-issue.  And, of course, having been thinking continuously about how we need to get the DWC aspects of our relationship back on course, now that it might actually happen, I would really prefer to avoid one.

 

Anyway . . .

 

Thanks to those of you who contributed to our discussion last week about how our sense of identity might inhibit our DD explorations.  Mike’s original topic proposal centered on how identity might inhibit the spanking wife in particular, and I was a little concerned when I broadened it to include how identity issues affect the husbands, that it would result in that angle dominating the discussion.  Unfortunately, that did kind of happen, but we did get a little bit of the wives’ perspectives from a couple of commenters.

 

For this week, I’m going to do something a little different.  A few times over the last year or two, we’ve heard from a commenter who goes by "Hillbilly Hubby".  Several months ago, I discovered his Tumblr blog and thought it was very well done.  More recently, I discovered that his wife, who goes by "Strict Consistent Wifey", also has a Tumblr blog.  (I’ll put a link in the comments, since Blogger so often wigs out over links in posts.)

 

Most of the “blogs” on Tumblr are little more than embedded memes with maybe a few lines of text.  However, both Hillbilly Hubby and Strict Consistent Wifey actually talk in detail about their Domestic Discipline relationship. Strict Consistent Wifey recently posted about how their DD relationship began, and specifically about the emotions she experienced.  I thought it was a wonderful post and left a comment saying so.  She replied that I should feel free to share it, so I’m going to take her up on that. 

 

I’m also going to take a little bit of liberty with that permission by including another post where she introduced herself and gave a description of how she and her husband have integrated DD into their everyday lives.

 

Here are the two posts, and I’ve included the AI-generated drawings that accompanied them.  I’ll highlight a few things that really stood out to me.

 

Post #1

 

Hi, and welcome.

 

I’ve had a lot of new followers here over the last few months, so I figured it was probably time I actually introduced myself and explained what this space is.

 

A little about me. I’m a wife to @hillbillyhubby, a mother, and I have a full-time career outside the home. We’re all busy with activities most days and I’m doing the same juggling act most women are doing. I could genuinely be the mom you passed in Target today.

 

This blog exists because I wanted stories that felt like mine. We’re everyday people. Domestic discipline is foundational in our relationship, but it isn’t loud. We’re not living in a 24-hour scene. It’s integrated into our normal life in a way that continues no matter who is around, including our daughter, our extended families, and our friends. I’m happy to share a lot here, but I keep a few things locked down for privacy. No real names, and no photos or videos of us. Everything else I share as openly as I can, because I want this space to feel real.

 

We practice a semi-traditional marriage where my husband is the head of the household, but I’m responsible for the operations of our home. And in that kind of structure, the expectations for his behavior and the consequences, when needed, fall firmly in my area.

 

One thing I’ll say up front, because it matters to me and it comes up a lot, is that we’ve been very intentional about separating discipline from intimacy. That was non-negotiable for me from the very first conversation. I don’t want confusion, and I don’t want gray areas. Discipline has a clear start and stop point for us, and we keep it consistent with specific language and postures.

 

At the end of the day, this works for us because it gives us structure, and because it speaks to how we each need to be shown love and respect.

 

I do encourage questions and engagement, and I’m always happy to connect with people who feel drawn to this lifestyle. I’ll also set a boundary if something crosses a line for me, and I hope that’s understood and respected.

 

If you’re new here, I’m really glad you’re here. Welcome to my little corner of Tumblr.

 

Post #2

 

I talk a lot in this space about how strong domestic discipline has made us. Not perfect. Not unshakeable. But it has given us a foundation, and when that foundation has been tested, it has proven it can hold.

 

We had one of those tests recently.

 

A situation came up that hit right in the insecurities I have always carried. Even though I trust what we have built, the intrusive thoughts got loud for a day or two.

 

Before I tell you that story, though, I need to give you a little of the “before.”

 

Over the past few years, I have done a lot of work around self-worth. I have worked to understand myself, understand how I show up in relationships, and understand what specifically triggers my anxiety.

 

At my core, for better or worse, I want to feel chosen.

 

And throughout my life, I have let that need shape my self-worth. If you chose me, I felt valuable. If you did not choose me, I felt like I needed to work harder to prove I was worthy.

 

I know now that was unsustainable. I was never going to be able to bend myself in enough ways to actually feel chosen. I became a doormat, not a partner.

 

What I did not realize at the time was that it was not my lack of self-worth that was undermining our relationship the most.

 

It was the perception of indifference.

 

There were times he wanted to do something we both knew I would not like, and instead of being honest about it, I would adjust. I would try to morph. I would try to be okay with my needs and expectations not being met.

 

I thought I was being accommodating.

 

But what he saw was this. His presence was disposable. Like I did not care if he showed up or not.

 

I cared more than I let on. He cared that I did not care. But neither of us was in a position to let those feelings be heard.

 

I did not know he was craving accountability. I did not understand that being forthcoming with my needs and expectations, and then clearly and consistently handling it when those expectations were not met, was the answer.

 

It was not until our misunderstandings snowballed into relationship rock bottom that we both decided it was time to be radically vulnerable. It had been a long time since either of us felt safe enough to do that.

 

We had to ask the hard questions. Was it time to leave? Was it time to lay down our egos and fight for each other?

 

We both knew our daughter would be impacted by whatever decision we made. But we did not want her to be the reason we stayed together if we could not truly work. That would be worse.

 

So we talked. And for the first time in a long time, we told the truth about what each action and reaction actually felt like on the inside.

 

In those conversations, he told me what he wanted. He wanted accountability. He wanted expectations. He wanted clarity. He wanted to feel like his presence mattered.

 

And I told him what I wanted. I wanted to feel chosen and cherished. I wanted to feel certain that when the cards were on the table, it would be me. That it always had been, and always would be.

 

We said yes.

 

Yes, together, we were worth fighting for. Yes, our marriage was worth the discomfort. Yes, our life was worth the work.

 

When @hillbillyhubby told me he had an interest in exploring domestic discipline, my first thought was not that it was weird. Or that he was weird.

 

My first thought was that he would eventually resent me for it.

 

I had spent so many years trying to prevent situations where there were consequences for his actions. The idea that he wanted me to create an accountability system, and then apply it with physical consequences, was foreign to me. It felt counter to everything I thought would make us happy.

 

But since what we had been doing clearly was not working, I stayed open.

 

I asked questions. Lots of questions. I checked in constantly. We talked through what would happen if, once we started, one or both of us said, “This is not working for me.”

 

I did not want him to feel like, just because he asked for it initially, he could not change his mind if the reality did not match what he had built up in his mind.

 

And as a quick note here, because I know people wonder this right away, we were very intentional about keeping discipline and sexual intimacy separate.

 

There is no impact play as part of our sex life. There was not before, and there is not now. Discipline is its own space, with several specific postures we use, specific language, and a very clear and distinct ending.

 

It is not foreplay for us. It is not part of our bedroom dynamic. It is discipline, and it stays there.

 

This only works for us because we are both consenting adults who knowingly entered into an agreement that supports our relationship.

 

If at any point one of us wanted to revisit it, we would. We would need to.

 

But that also means that when I call for discipline, he submits and complies. If he did not, it would undermine the understanding we both have, and we would have to reevaluate.

 

I worried about hurting him for a long time, but I am learning that a lot of what I thought was “too much” was actually a threshold I created in my own mind.

 

We don’t have a safe word. He does not want to know there is an out, and he leaves the severity to my discretion. In that vein, though, humiliation is not the goal. For us, there is no groveling. No slavery language. No caging. (If those things work in your dynamic, I support your exploration of those areas.)

 

But for me, he is still my partner. He is the person I am choosing daily to build a life with. I am not going to jeopardize that by making him feel less than. Discipline is a tool to build each other toward our best, not a weapon to tear each other down.

 

So discipline is given fairly. It is explained every time. And then we take the minutes afterward to reconnect and affirm together.

 

We started small, with rules that were easy to track and did not require a judgment call.

 

Did he leave the light on in a room after he left it? Was he late and did not let me know?

 

Being late is a huge sticking point for me, and it was something we used to fight about often. The lights were not emotionally loaded, but they gave us an easy way to ease into the dynamic without making everything feel heavy.

 

We are over 18 months in now.

 

Do I still spank him for these things? Sometimes, yes. The lights still get left on occasionally, but I could not tell you the last time he was late and I did not know what to expect.

 

Now back to our recent situation.

 

Those insecurities, that old fear of not being enough to be chosen, came in like a wrecking ball.

 

In our past dynamic, I would have still been upset. I would have still been spiraling days later.

 

Now, we talked it through. We reconnected over the things that are important to us.

 

And I disciplined him. We both feel like our needs have been met and we were able to move on quickly back to the main focus, which is building and strengthening together.

 

I really, really love her second post.  It encapsulates so many things that I’m sure many disciplinary couples have felt, especially in the early stages of their DD explorations.

 

I don’t have a particular topic in mind for this.  Instead, I’ll highlight a few points that jumped out to me, and I invite the rest of you to do the same.

 

Domestic discipline is foundational in our relationship, but it isn’t loud. We’re not living in a 24-hour scene. It’s integrated into our normal life in a way that continues no matter who is around, including our daughter, our extended families, and our friends.

 

I really love that line about the DD relationship not being “loud”.  I also like the way she describes it as integrated into their normal life.  And, I love the drawing she used to illustrate that dynamic.  I don’t know that I can say the same about our level of integration, and that’s something I’d like to work on more.  In the past, I think we put too much energy into walling off the DD aspects of our relationship, out of fear (“paranoia” would be another good word) of being “outed” or of other people’s reactions.  I honestly believe it would be better for both of us if Anne’s authority were on more open display more of the time.

 

There were times he wanted to do something we both knew I would not like, and instead of being honest about it, I would adjust. I would try to morph. I would try to be okay with my needs and expectations not being met. 

 

I thought I was being accommodating. 

 

But what he saw was this. His presence was disposable. Like I did not care if he showed up or not.

 

I suspect that went on a lot in the first decade of our marriage, before we discovered Domestic Discipline, or at least the first part of it did.  I think I did a lot of accommodating on big issues, like where we lived.  But, I think Anne did a lot of accommodating and trying to “morph” on day-to-day stuff and particularly on taking on some of my admittedly brash behavior.  I had a bigger personality at that time for sure, and instead of taking it on, she retreated into the background.

 

Also, regarding a husband feeling like his presence is disposable, isn't this kind of what husbands sometimes feel when a wife says she's going to spank for something but then doesn't carry through, or when there is chronic inconsistency?  It feels like he's showing up for the relationship they both agreed to, but maybe she isn't? 

 

I did not know he was craving accountability. I did not understand that being forthcoming with my needs and expectations, and then clearly and consistently handling it when those expectations were not met, was the answer.

 

 

We are a little different on this one. She didn’t know I was craving accountability, because until I discovered the DWC, I didn’t know I was craving it.  I don’t think the DWC impacted Anne as hard and fast as it did me, but I think the fact that she was intrigued and instantly agreed to give it a try indicates that she saw the potential value in setting expectations and enforcing them.  She has told me several times that before we took up Domestic Discipline, she never felt like she had a way to assert herself and know it would be obeyed. She felt like when she did let her expectations be known, there was no way of making it stick.

 

For my part, I'm not sure I knew I needed boundaries and guardrails until the DWC came along and showed me what they could be like in an adult relationship. Looking back, I'd always had a thing for older women, especially authority figures like female teachers. I think even back then, I was craving boundaries, since I didn't have any at home, but at that stage and into my 30s, it was just a vague desire for something I couldn't really name.  The DWC revealed what that nameless was and made me wish I'd found it earlier.

 

 

When @hillbillyhubby told me he had an interest in exploring domestic discipline, my first thought was not that it was weird. Or that he was weird.

 

My first thought was that he would eventually resent me for it.

 

I had spent so many years trying to prevent situations where there were consequences for his actions. The idea that he wanted me to create an accountability system, and then apply it with physical consequences, was foreign to me. It felt counter to everything I thought would make us happy.

 

I suspect Anne would identify with much of this statement, with the exception of not thinking that domestic discipline was weird. After she reviewed the DWC website for the first time, she told me she did think it was kind of weird.  

 

But, that didn’t stop her from giving it a try.

 

I do think she worried that I would resent her for taking control, or at least that I might rebel.  I’ve mentioned that she really gravitated toward the book The Hesitant Mistress.  She told me that until she read that book, she had a hard time embracing her DD role, because she couldn’t really understand why any husband would want his DD role.  She said she always had this worry that, if she really committed, I would rebel and pull the rug out from under her. 

 

Ironically, what I really wanted was that very act of taking command that she thought might breed rebellion. Were there times I felt resentment?  Maybe a couple, but it was always temporary.  In fact, those occasions are, in retrospect, among the times that I feel we were the closest to embodying a really deep DD relationship, with her setting expectations and enforcing them regardless of my feelings. 

 

And as a quick note here, because I know people wonder this right away, we were very intentional about keeping discipline and sexual intimacy separate.

 

We haven’t been as rigorous about that.  We do not do erotic spanking at all, but it is fair to say that much of the time, sex does happen pretty quickly after a spanking is delivered.  In my mind, there is a clear separation between the two, but that separation isn’t temporal for sure.

 

It was not until our misunderstandings snowballed into relationship rock bottom that we both decided it was time to be radically vulnerable.

 

I don’t think Anne and I were ever at that “relationship rock bottom” point, but there were plainly lots of frustrations.  I also feel like, with few real guardrails, I personally was on a very unsustainable path. 

 

Was I “radically vulnerable” in bringing the Domestic Discipline idea to Anne?  Maybe.  I didn’t really think of it that way at the time.  When I discovered the DWC, it hit me so hard that I felt like I didn’t have the choice not to tell her about it. 

 

And, while I do think that telling her about it did involve making myself very vulnerable, for me the vulnerability wasn’t so much in the act of telling her but, rather, at the thought of what the reality of the kind of spanking the DWC described might entail:  How scared would I be each time I went over her knee? Would I cry like so many of the men in the DWC stories?  Could I take that level of pain and embarrassment?  Could I handle that the decision about taking it would not be mine to make from that point forward? Would I be able to handle handing all control over disciplinary matters to Anne, having no idea what she might do with it?  All of those questions definitely made me feel very vulnerable.

 

Well, that’s my take on Strict Consistent Wifey’s posts.  What’s yours?  I would encourage all of you to follow her on Tumblr.

 

Have a great week! 

Identity and How it Impacts Accepting a Role as Disciplinary Wife or Spanked Husband (Club Meeting - 543)

“To say that we mutually agree to coercion is not to say that we are required to enjoy it, or even to pretend we enjoy it.” - Garrett Hardin

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you had a great week. Mine continued my streak of boring, uneventful rehabilitation, though I’m able to be a bit more active in the gym now.  Although it has, in fact, been a boring several weeks, this also has to be the furthest I’ve ever made it into a January with most of my resolutions intact and without any big, spank-worthy behavioral failure.

 

That is, of course, a mixed bag.  It does get harder to sustain the dynamic the longer we go without a real spanking.  And, of course, when it inevitably does happen, it will hurt like hell.

 

Anyway . . . thanks to those of you who chimed in on last week’s topic.  There seems to be a lot of variability in the forms of satisfaction our wives get out of our DD relationships, the timeline for feeling that satisfaction, and the extent to which they admit to taking satisfaction in giving spankings, ordering spankings, or having that power and authority.  Among the several great comments, I really liked this one from E.:

 

My wife has only been doing this for a year. She was reluctant at first but agreed because it helped me quit drinking. It started out weekly, basically like maintenance. She admittedly did not like administering it. After 30 plus consecutive weeks she did see a marked improvement in our marriage, plus I maintained my sobriety. I introduced the idea of corrective spankings for my attitude in addition to maintenance for drinking, as well as preemptive spankings when she was intuitively expecting misbehavior on my part. She was reluctant initially but agreed to try it. This was partly because she liked the change in my behavior that she had already seen. Since November, she has spanked me on average one additional time each week, but she doesn't verbally admit to enjoying doing it. She also has started casually joking about spanking me. This happens several times each week now, as she has become more comfortable or habituated to it. I know she connects the spankings to the peace in our household, but I believe she also feels validated when I submit to her authority. She is a quiet type but has a history of being bossy in one-on-one situations. I think she secretly likes the feeling of authority over me. I think she likes me in the prone position and naked. That is why I think she will continue to develop into a disciplinary wife. I am always careful to uphold her judgement no matter what. I don't argue or rationalize. I simply submit so that this continues to progress and our marriage continues to improve. Although she doesn't like administering the spanking, she loves providing aftercare, and she likes the complete process and results. That is where she is on the spectrum, but she is still evolving so I don't know where it will lead.

 

I thought it laid out a nice progression from reluctance, to getting more comfortable with it as the benefits become apparent, to openly joking about it and otherwise becoming more comfortable and habituated to the point that she probably likes the feeling of authority if only “secretly”.

During the week, I got this topic suggestion from Mike:

 

“One of my wife’s difficulties in becoming a DWC wife seems to be around identity. For her, the idea of a “dominant wife” clashes with her self-image. In her mind, a woman who punishes her husband simply does not align with how she sees herself as a person. This raises an interesting question: To what extent does personal identity play a role for a DWC wife, and how can a woman find or develop an identity that feels authentic rather than forced or role-played?

 

This seems to be a particularly difficult topic due to the lack of direct female input within the community, yet it may be central to why many wives struggle at the beginning.”

 

 I replied:

 

“That is a good topic idea.  You're right that it's a bit challenging because of the lack of female participation, but I do think many of the men have some perspective on how their wives would likely relate to it.  I do suspect that the identity issue as you describe it is an inhibitor. And, there is the flipside, of course, i.e. men who may be interested in this kind of lifestyle but struggle with not wanting to be seen as "submissive".

 

Mike responded:

 

“You raised an interesting point that I hadn’t really considered before. But yes, for a long time it was also difficult for me to admit that, at least in certain aspects of my life — my home life — I am submissive. Even now, it still lingers in my mind to what extent my wife might see me as less of a “real man” because of our DD dynamic.

 

It would be interesting to hear to what extent others struggle with this as well, and what the process was like for them to reconcile their identity and self-image with the need for this kind of discipline.

 

I thought his topic suggestion was very interesting, so let’s do it. I’m not sure whether this is a brand new one, but I can’t remember any other time that we’ve addressed directly the issue of a wife’s perceived personal identity and how it might be an impediment to embracing the Disciplinary Wife role.  

 

Because this does seem to be a new topic for us, I haven’t been able to find any relevant comments from the wives on prior posts.  I also did ask Anne if she’d weigh in on this one, along with last week’s topic regarding enjoying giving spankings and having the authority of a Disciplinary Wife.  She indicated she would get me something, but she seems to have gotten distracted with another project.

 

I also searched my extensive collection of memes and spanking art, and I couldn’t find much that felt relevant to this issue of the spanker's, or prospective spanker’s, sense of identity presenting an impediment to adopting or embracing a Domestic Discipline role.

 

And, as Mike pointed out, this topic seems almost uniquely difficult to address without major input from the wives.  So, hopefully some of those who lurk will weigh in, and I’d encourage all our male contributors to ask their wives for input.

 

Without input from Anne or the other wives, I’m kind of winging it, but here goes . . .

 

I definitely understand and sympathize with wives who have a view of their identity that seems to conflict with being a disciplinarian.  In fact, I kind of feel that way personally.  I get lucky that Anne has no interest in being on the receiving end of a disciplinary spanking, because I’m not sure I could ever give one.  It’s probably a reflection of being a witness to domestic violence growing up, but I have a very strong, very deep, visceral negative reaction to the thought of “hurting” a woman, even if it were totally consensual.  And, I have an even more negative reaction to the thought of exercising power and authority over a woman.

 

Now, I caveated the statement about not being able to give a disciplinary spanking with “I’m not sure . . .” because in the last year or two, I’ve started feeling a little less adamant in my view that I could never, ever give a woman a spanking. I’m not sure why, but I think for some reason I’m my gut feeling against it isn’t quite as strong, and I’m more understanding of the fact that many women want to be the “bottom” in these kind of relationships for many of the same reasons I do.  I’ve always known that intellectually, but I accept it a little more in my gut now than I used to.

 

So, all that is to explain that I do understand that some women not only will not be willing to take on the role of disciplinary spanker but might feel it would conflict with the way they see themselves in some very fundamental way.

 

I think for most, however, it’s a lot more subtle than that, and many of our personality attributes are less hard-wired, and our attitudes toward engaging in certain practices less strong.  And, isn't it true that some of us sometimes have various seemingly contradictory identities that each demand some expression?

 

Further, I don’t think we should always just accept our “natural” personalities and leave it at that.  I suspect that it took Anne a while to start really identifying with her disciplinary role, but I think she would readily admit that at the time I proposed that we try the kind of lifestyle depicted in The Disciplinary Wives Club, she lacked confidence and tended to passive-aggression whenever disputes inevitably arose. I’m very sure that she likes the more confident personality that came into play over time, even if it probably didn’t feel natural in the beginning.  Personalities, preferences, and interests can and do change over time, sometimes for the better.

 

 

That obviously applies to those of us who are on the receiving end of our wife’s discipline.  In fact, the whole reason I found the DWC so appealing was that it was such a huge departure from our then-current relationship dynamic, and it seemed like such a fundamental challenge to my identity; an identity that I wasn’t always happy with.  I knew that I needed boundaries placed around my personality’s excesses and needed some humbling.

 

I also think that one answer to Mike’s observation that wives may struggle with a conflict between their perceived identity and the role of disciplinary spanker is to not make that gap larger than it needs to be.  One reason I think the DWC appealed to many women was that it didn’t seem like a huge stretch from ordinary married life. It didn’t involve any of the “whips and chains” Femdom dynamic or the play-acting and scenes often associated with BDSM.  It could involve an expansive power shift but didn’t have to. No special dress or uniform required.  Just be yourself, but with a bit more power to get your way.

 

To me, one practical lesson from the DWC is that it is most likely to work when the husband is asking the wife to “stretch” her comfort zone a bit but not to suddenly become something totally different. The more we layer up the initial arrangement with fantasies that aren’t aligned with who our wives typically are, the more she’s likely to reject the whole thing. 

 

Now, that said, as I prepared for this post by going through some of the DWC materials, I was a little surprised at how little they addressed the issue of how a wife might make the leap if her identity wasn’t naturally that of a “take charge” disciplinarian.  In some of the materials, there did seem to be this implicit assumption that the lifestyle was so self-evidently empowering that women would just naturally jump into the role if they gave it a try.  It’s certainly true that none of the stories depict a wife who really struggles to reconcile who she thinks she is with what a DWC-style relationship might entail.

 

I wonder whether part of that presumption that women would find this kind of relationship natural was related to the way the DWC promoted the “maternal” aspect of Domestic Discipline.  Even if a wife didn’t naturally think of her identity as including taking charge of her husband, she might already be in charge of kids and much of the household dynamic.  Maybe it just didn’t seem like much of a stretch to expand the maternal identity to encompass providing much-needed discipline to a misbehaving husband?   

 

One of our commenters who I miss a lot, KOJ, described his wife’s attitude toward her role like this:

 

But the day-to-day operations of our home were totally her domain, and I just took my marching orders (or else). Eventually, that authority spread to my behavior in all situations. She believed that most men are little boys in big bodies and need to be reined in by loving female authority. ‘Loving’ included punishment, which could be severe.

 

When I asked Anne to consider a DWC-style relationship, I was asking her to expand her comfort zone, but I don’t think I was suggesting a sudden “major” change that would make her feel like she was violating some aspect of her identity.  Also, I think it helped that initially there was a set of agreed-upon rules, and I was to report weekly on whether I’d broken them, with the minimum spanking severity being a purely mathematical function.  Unless she wanted to add more than was required, stretching her comfort zone didn’t have to involve much more than swinging a paddle a prescribed number of times. The first time the tally added up to a shockingly high (in my view) number of swats, there was an aspect of, "This is what we both agreed to," that probably made it feel much more casual to her than it did to me in that moment.

 

And, today, after more than 20 years of this, she's increasingly comfortable in not just embodying the role but, to some extent, displaying it.

 

 

So, to the extent you know or have a reasonable belief, how has “identity” impacted your wife’s willingness or ability to embrace her DD role?  Was it ever an impediment to adopting that role?  If so, were the two of you able to find ways to help make your disciplinary practices compatible with her identity? Or, did her personality/identity grow or change over time to meet the role?

 

And, what about the point I raised with Mike regarding how “identity” impacts the husbands?  This is probably much less of an issue for those who see themselves as “submissive”, but Mike noted that he struggled with whether his wife would see him as less manly; manliness is certainly one aspect of personality that some of us identify strongly with or hope that others identify us with.  And, what about those of us who struggle to reconcile their DD desires with the fact that they do not see themselves a submissive?  Are there other ways in which your identity and your status as a DD husband might feel incompatible?  How did you/do you deal with that?

 

I don’t know why, but I don’t think I ever really struggled with a perceived incompatibility between my identity and my DD desires.  It may be that the DWC materials again were helpful, in that the men in the stories weren’t portrayed as “wimpy” or stereotypically submissive.  I also think it helped that I recognized that my personality was probably too manly at times. I didn’t see changing certain aspects of my identity as a bad thing; in fact, that was kind of the goal.

 

But, I can think of one specific area where DD probably did cause some tension.  A few years ago, there were a couple of incidents in which Anne scolded me very strongly, and gave a couple of very hard spankings, when she objected to how I had talked at a social event or engaged with others.  She saw it as overbearing, and she took offense—or thought others might take offense—at some specific comments I made. I just didn’t see it that way, but the problem wasn’t so much that we disagreed but that it felt like she was trying to manage my communications, and verbal communications had always been at the heart of my career and, in fact, my whole identity. Those were one of the few times that I felt real resentment after a spanking, and it didn’t go away quickly.

 

But, it did go away, or at least it seemed to become less of an issue over time.  Although it was hard at the time, I recognized that it was part and parcel of giving up control in a real way. I’d always said I wanted Anne to exercise more control and that she had the power to discipline me whenever she thought it was needed.  The identity-based issue of how I communicated with others was such an area, and for this to be real, I had to accept it even if I didn’t like it.

 

How about you?  Has your identity made it harder, or easier, to accept your role as a disciplined husband?  If it has been an issue, how did you deal with it?