Love Our Lurkers XIII

Hi all.  Welcome to the 13th Annual Love Our Lurkers day.  In a nutshell, it is a day for us to celebrate, and encourage, all those who drop by our blogs regularly but never leave a comment.  For a more fulsome explanation of the concept, please go to Hermione's wonderful blog: 

http://hermionesheart.blogspot.com.   

While I encourage our lurkers to take give our weekly topics a try, on Love our Lurkers day, any comment will do.  Just stop by and say hi. I would like to particularly encourage any of our current or wannabe Disciplinary Wives to take the opportunity to say hello.

Dan

The Club - Meeting #273 - Origins

“There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely-or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.” – Oscar Wilde

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  Mine was OK.  Nothing special.  Work remains slow, but the pipeline shows a few signs of opening up.  I have my fingers crossed, as I really don't do well with these periods of inactivity.  "Idle hands . . ." and all that.

I also can't say that the downtime has contributed to my creativity in coming up with topics.  I finally gave up on thinking up anything new.  A couple of weeks ago when we were in the midst of some, ahem, drama here at the Disciplinary Couples Club, ZM made a plea to focus on things that draw us together around this common interest in Domestic Discipline.  At the top of his list was:

"How it started for you... Who initiated? Why? How?" 

I somehow always have the impression that we cover this one frequently.  But, looking back at the topic list, it's actually been a couple of years since we had a topic specifically focusing on how each of our Disciplinary Couples first got into this.  So, let's do it again.  Tell us your own origin story.  How did you first get into it?  If your current relationship is not your first in which Domestic Discipline played a big role, tell us about both how you originally got started, and how it began with your current partner.

I've posted our story before, but for some of our new visitors, here it is again:

Until about 10 years into our marriage, we had never heard the term “domestic discipline.”  We had a good relationship over those years, but it was conventional and also not particularly well-balanced.   I had always been more than a little, shall we say, “Type A.”  I tended to do everything to excess.  I grew up with few, if any, real boundaries and none that were every really enforced.  When my wife and I first met, she probably found my excess and brashness attractive, but I doubt she envisioned that ten years later not much would have changed. 

My wife was more balanced and centered, but if anything she was a little too much my opposite.  While I was intense and loud and bombastic, she was modest and not particularly assertive.  Despite her many accomplishments, she had a hard time taking charge.  She was raised in a very traditional, male dominated family.  Her dad worked.  Her mom raised the family.  He spent evenings at happy hour with his cronies.  She got mad about it and pouted, and he slept on the couch for a few nights.  My wife brought some of those same dispute resolution mechanisms to our marriage.

    

It wasn't really good for either of us.  Growing up without rules or boundaries had left me feeling out of control as a kid, and here I was as 30+ year-old man, still feeling out of control and overwhelmed with the responsibility of making too many decisions. My wife, on the other hand, was not developing into all she could be.

Then . . . things changed.  While corporal punishment was very prevalent where I grew up, I don’t recall having thought about spankings even once as an adult.  Then, one night we were watching an HBO series called “Real Sex.” There was a segment devoted to adult erotic spanking, featuring a couple spanking each other with leather paddles and a riding crop.  It did turn me on, and since I thought our sex life could use some spicing up, a few days later I bought a small leather paddle at a sex toy “novelty” shop.  My wife had zero interest in being spanked but was happy to try it on me.  Although it was fun, it never went beyond foreplay and was not “real” in any sense.  Sometimes it did drift into a form of role play, in which she would "punish" me for various real misdeeds.  After a few modest swats with the flimsy leather paddle, we would have sex.

The problem was, while the spankings were pretend, the bad behavior was real.  Since it was all foreplay and ended in a nice orgasm, in essence I was being rewarded for bad behavior.  Once she became concerned that she might be reinforcing behavior that made her quite angry, she put an end to the whole thing.  Thereafter, if I came across spanking-related content on the internet I might read it or follow a link to other content, but it didn't really bother me at all that my wife was not interested in making spanking an ongoing part of our sex life. It just hadn't been that big a thing for either of us.

Then, one night many months later I followed one of those spanking-related links to a  website called the Disciplinary Wives Club. It’s been so many years ago, I don't recall exactly what led me to it.  But, I definitely do remember the effect it had on me. It hit me like a sledgehammer.  Like no experience I had ever had before, and nothing at all like the erotic spankings we had dabbled in.  What was so different about the DWC?  Well, even though it was all about spanking it wasn’t porn, and most of the material was not even overtly sexual.  Nor were the spankings it depicted facially erotic. Instead, they were real spankings, intended to be real punishment to correct real misbehavior. There were fictional and “real couple” stories illustrating this disciplinary lifestyle, all of them involving wives spanking their husbands in order to discipline or punish them for bad behavior or rule breaking. 

Those stories really, really got to me. Especially the ones involving tears.  Many of the wives announced at the outset that the spanking would not end until after the misbehaving husband was crying – perhaps long after.  Something about that affected me in ways I find hard to describe.  Looking back, I’m not sure it was the spanking per se that really got to me.  Rather, it was the prospect of giving up control in a way I had never, ever done in my entire life.  It was really, truly terrifying.  Yet, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. 

I could not imagine raising the prospect with my wife, but after days of thinking of nothing else, I could not imagine not raising it.  The lure was just too strong, though it  made my male ego tremble.

After a few days of living like that, I initiated the discussion while we were in bed getting ready to go to sleep.  The lights were off, which was good because I was so embarrassed that I don’t think I could have faced her with them on.  I began with something like, "I found this funny website on the internet. . .." and explained the basic premise: women taking control by using real corporal punishment on their husbands.  She started to object that she was not interested in using spanking as foreplay anymore, but I stammered  out how this was different.  These spankings were . . . real. 

She didn’t say much, as I stuttered my way through a description of the relationships the DWC depicted.  When I was done, she paused for several moments, then asked whether I was suggesting this as something I actually wanted to try.  I almost lost my nerve, but finally told her the truth; the idea scared the hell out of me, had left me with butterflies in my stomach and little sleep for three days but, yes, I did want to try it.  

Then, it all came spilling out.  How I felt our marriage was unbalanced.  How unbalanced I felt inside.  How I needed someone to rein me in when I acted up.  And, what I thought it might do for her.  How I didn’t like her feeling like she was playing second fiddle in our relationship. How I wanted so much more for her than that. How I knew there was a strong and decisive woman in there and that maybe this would help bring that woman out.  She listened intently but noncommittally.  She did she would take a look at the DWC website, though I suspected she might let the whole thing drop. 

Nope. She called me at the office the next day. After a few pleasantries, there was a pause, and she stated: “Well . . I visited that website.”

"And, . . .?" I asked, tentatively.

There was a long pause.  "Very interesting," she replied.   

That was it. Interesting.  "So . . . what does that mean . . ." I stammered.

"Well, I guess it means you need to go buy me a nice, heavy wooden hairbrush.  Bring it home with you tonight."

The rest, as they say, is history.  I won't go into the rest of the details here, other than to note that finding a sturdy, wooden hairbrush was harder than I anticipated.  I finally found something serviceable, after walking around a mall for an hour, with this peculiar mix of extreme arousal and equally extreme anxiety.  

Before the first spanking, we established a set of rules. First and foremost, she would control when and how hard I was spanked, period.  While she would listen to my views, she would control the process at all times.  Second, every spanking would be serious.  She still was concerned that “play” spankings could reinforce bad behavior, so our spankings had to be "real" each and every time.

It's odd that while I recall virtually everything leading up to that first spanking, I don't recall a lot about the main event.  I suspect that is because we followed a prescription that was iconic but resulted in a less-than-memorable spanking:  over-the-knee position, with a hairbrush.

We graduated pretty quickly to wooden paddles and leather straps, and she graduated to a very proficient spanker surprisingly quickly. 

Over the years of doing this blog, and several years before that in various DD groups, I've heard variations on this story many times.   We husbands are so concerned about how to broach the topic of Domestic Discipline but once we do, the wives take up the paddle or strap with surprisingly little diffidence or reluctance and are soon spanking like a pro.

Over the years we have been doing Domestic Discipline, my wife has grown into a much stronger, confident woman with a voice all her own, and the relationship has gone beyond merely discipline.  Instead of just enforcing rules, she imposes them.  She sets boundaries for me and expects me to respect them.  

So, how about you?  How did your interest in Domestic Discipline (not just spanking) arise? What did you do to make it a reality?  Please share as many of the details as time allows.

I hope you all have a great week.

The Club - Meeting #272 - Sex and DD

"Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.”- Marquis de Sade

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couple's Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

We had a good discussion last week regarding proactively preventing bad behavior, versus simply punishing it.  Several people shared their experiences with preventative spankings, and there seemed to be a general consensus that such spankings can help actually prevent bad behavior.  This week, I was reminded that some punishments can both punish and prevent.  My wife grounded me as punishment for night that involved a little too much carousing with work people, and the punishment was that I am grounded and banned from drinking for a week.  So, the punishment both addressed the bad behavior and directly prevented further misbehavior by removing me from the situation that keeps getting me in trouble.  

Our conversation last week also took off on a slight tangent into whether self-reporting and taking the initiative of bringing her the belt or paddle moves the DD relationship forward or, conversely, undermines her authority.  That one may be worth a topic in the near future, though we've done variations of it before. 

For this week, let's talk about sex.  Do I have your attention now? Of course I do.  Yet, one of the reasons for this topic was an article I read this week that indicates that at the same time that attitudes toward sex are increasingly liberated and sexual imagery and content is more available than ever, Americans are actually having much less sex than in the past.   http://time.com/5297145/is-sex-dead/. It’s a fascinating read, and I encourage you to go through the whole article, but the following gives a sufficient summary for our purposes: "According to the General Social Survey, a profile of American behavior that has been gathered by the National Opinion Research Council at the University of Chicago since 1972, the fraction of people getting it on at least once a week fell from 45% in 2000 to 36% in 2016. One study of the GSS data showed that more than twice as many millennials were sexually inactive in their early 20s than the prior generation was. And the sharpest drop was the most recent, in the years 2014 to 2016." 

The only age cohort fighting the trend was, interestingly, the one that seems to be among the largest of this blog's readership: "Only the 60-somethings are bucking the trend—possibly partly with a little pharmaceutical help. Unlike the retirees who came before them, they’re putting the sex back in sexagenarian, with an average coital frequency that is slightly higher than in two decades earlier."

I also ran across this fairly fascinating Politico article that compares the sexual fantasies of our two predominant political parties.  https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2018/10/27/sexual-fantasies-republicans-democrats-politics-221919.  The survey it addresses found that, although Democrats and Republicans fantasize at similar rates, the content of those fantasies differs sharply. According to the author, “Republicans were more likely than Democrats to fantasize about a range of activities that involve sex outside of marriage. Think things like infidelity, orgies and partner swapping, from 1970s-style “key parties” to modern-day forms of swinging. Republicans also reported more fantasies with voyeuristic themes, including visiting strip clubs and practicing something known as “cuckolding,” which involves watching one’s partner have sex with someone else.  By contrast, self-identified Democrats were more likely than Republicans to fantasize about almost the entire spectrum of BDSM activities, from bondage to spanking to dominance-submission play. The largest Democrat-Republican divide on the BDSM spectrum was in masochism, which involves deriving pleasure from the experience of pain.”

The author postulates that the difference may be explained by the fact that people most want what they can’t have.  The Republicans stress “traditional family values” and the sanctity of the nuclear family, so their fantasies drift to scenarios involving sex outside the traditional marriage context.  While the article doesn't discuss it, one can see how that kind of discrepancy between fantasy and reality might create some "problems":

Democrats, on the other hand, stress equality and egalitarianism and, hence, fantasies about extreme power differentials are inordinately appealing.  Perhaps when the sex is most egalitarian, fantasies involving exercising power come to the forefront:

While interesting, the theory does seem a little simplistic.  I’m also not sure it does a great job of explaining why Democratic men would be interested in being on the receiving end of a DD relationship, or why Democratic women might be attracted to being a Disciplinary Wife.  To the extent it’s true that Democrats more actively promote "women's liberation" and helping women break those glass ceilings, then if this author’s theory were correct wouldn’t those of us who are Democrats be attracted to empowering men and dis-empowering women, since our party’s bent is the opposite?  And, while Democrats are fantasizing about BDSM wouldn't their fantasies more naturally drift to sadism and not masochism, given their rejection of "might makes right" and relative aversion using physical violence and power for political ends?  Or, perhaps it's that a lot of the Democratic party-line comes from elites in powerful institutions (professors at Yale, Harvard, etc.), and those people are pretty well-off,  well-educated, and don't lack for independence; hence, their fantasies run to being dominated and controlled?

It's all very interesting though very complicated.  But, taking it down to a personal level, I have no doubt at all that I crave yielding up control to someone else, because in most of my life I have control and authority in over-abundance. Perhaps it's not just that we fantasize about things that we can't or don't now have, but also perhaps about things that we think we missed out on, like strong maternal discipline or boundaries.

With those observations in mind, I’ll leave you all to make whatever comments you can make about them.  The one concrete suggestion I have for a topic is, does practicing Domestic Discipline lead to more sex?  I’m not sure what impact it has had on our own batting average.  I do think that Domestic Discipline contributes to the overall level of erotic energy in a relationship, and I do think that both the “Top” and “bottom” can find the power exchange very erotic.  And, some of our Disciplinary Wives admit candidly that they come to be turned on by exercising power even if it felt unnatural at first. I don't know whether power always corrupts, but I have no doubt it can be addictive.

  

 On the other hand, I have seen instances in which parties tied discipline and sex too closely together, such that he would get spanked only after a hard spanking, which seems like a great way to make him adverse to sex in general.  Or, if the couple adopts a “no sex after discipline” rule, does that result in less sex? Or perhaps could it result in less discipline?

I look forward to hearing from you all.  Whether Republican or Democrat, don’t spend so much time fantasizing that you forget to vote!  Well, if you’re a Republican and intend to vote that way, I’m personally fine with you getting a little carried away and forgetting to cast that ballot. 😉

DCC Club Meeting #271 - Preventing vs. Punishing

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." -- Benjamin Franklin

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couple's Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or want to be in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. I hope you had a great week.  Mine was slow.  Though, that's stressful in its own way.  I'm in one of those careers in which my earning is more or less directly related to my level of busyness, so being slow tends to be a momentary relief but a longer term problem. But, there's not much I can do about it, so I'll just try to enjoy the Fall weather and color, while hoping some big, hairy, audacious project walks in the door soon.

Speaking of enjoying the  Fall colors . . .

Have I said how much I like this most naughty of holidays?

Now that I've gotten that out of my system . . .

This weeks "topic," feels more like tying together some loose threads.  We didn't get a lot of response to Alan's topic re: using DD to bring about total abstinence from alcohol, or much on the broader topic of using it to break bad habits. The former is on my mind this morning, as I wallow in my all-too-typical Saturday morning fatigue, because I stayed up too late watching a movie and enjoying too many beers along the way.  The shame of it is, I had actually been very well behaved all week, surprisingly so given the slowness at work.  I worked out hard four days, kept to my diet, meditated every evening, and I even stayed totally dry right through Friday until we went out to dinner.  Then, a couple of beers there led to a "nightcap" at home, which led to watching a James Bond movie until midnight.  It reinforces the point I made to Alan, that some people just can't seem to do moderation in relation to certain habits.  

So, by over-indulging I earned myself a good hard spanking this weekend.  But, as I was kicking myself this morning, I got to thinking about how I could have felt a lot better this morning if, instead of letting me indulge myself, my wife had simply ordered me to come up to bed when she went.  Admittedly, I would have resented the hell out of it at the time, but it would have helped me have a much more pleasant, productive weekend.  And, I would have complied.  That's the thing I'm not sure my wife always appreciates -- I am not great at following rules when left to my own devices, even when I know it may earn me a hard spanking, but I am pretty good at following direct orders.  So, her getting in full-on "boss" or "maternal" mode  is actually much more effective at bringing about real behavior change than is spanking.

It's an interesting reversal on my normal life philosophy of, "It's better to say you're sorry than ask permission."  In most areas of my life, I really believe that to be true. But, when it comes to the behaviors that create problems for me at home and that are self-destructive, it actually is better for both of us if she takes the bull by the horns and acts to prevent the behavior from happening, instead of punishing it after-the-fact.  I see this "prophylactic" approach as being one of the distinguishing points between "mere" Domestic Discipline versus being in a real "Wife Led Marriage."  The former emphasizes punishment on the back end (pun intended), while the latter involves more pervasive control including taking action on the front end to prevent bad things from happening.  

Somewhere in between are "preventative" spankings, which were alluded to in some of last week's comments.  We've talked about this before, but it's been a couple of years.  When it came up last time, it was in response to another comment by Alan.  He summed up "preventative" spankings as follows:

"These are spankings administered before parties or events in which historically my behavior had earned me a spanking after the fact. Her reasoning was that if she was going to have to spank me eventually, she would prefer to avoid the behavior and get it done before rather than afterward. Most preventatives are done several hours before a party or we get into the car to travel and designed to give me a warm bottom that reminds me what could happen. With one unforgettable exception this does work to prevent really bad public behavior." 

When we talked about this last time, I had no real experience with this "before the fact" form of discipline, and I wasn't sure whether it was entirely "fair."  I still don't have a lot of experience with it.  But, she did do it once a few months ago, prior to a group dinner that was exactly the kind of event at which I normally might over-indulge.  But, not that time.  It worked like a charm.  Sitting there on my tender behind kept me continuously aware of the need to moderate my behavior and, for once, I did. 

How much does your spouse focus on preventing bad behavior instead of just punishing it?  Are preventative spankings part of that?  What other techniques does she use?  Has it worked to prevent problem behaviors from occurring?  What are the logistical challenges and how have you overcome them?   

I hope you have a great week!

The Club -- Meeting #270 -- Bad Habits

"One regrets the loss even of one’s worst habits. Perhaps one regrets them the most. They are such an essential part of one’s personality." – Oscar Wilde

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  I really do love this season.  Though, ironically, work often goes crazy this time of year and, as a result, I've missed a lot of Halloweens.  It looked like that was going to happen this year, but things are looking better. 

 Although I love this time of year, neither it nor the break in the workload has fundamentaly changed some of my behavioral challenges.  I did make some progress getting back on course after a pretty rough time at work, then it kind of fell apart at the end of the week.  My efforts at self-control and progress on real self-improvement seem to come in bursts.  Unsustainable bursts.  So, as I sat there yesterday kicking myself for not sticking with the program, I was in the perfect frame of mind to reflect seriously on this comment/question from Alan:

"This is somewhat off topic but definitely related to the issue of a woman willing to be “bitchy” as well as experiences you have discussed. To the point: my wife wants to gradually reduce my drinking of alcohol ultimately to end it entirely and she is proposing using DD including lots of spanking and some embarrassment to achieve this. She did this years ago with smoking and it worked but I was motivated to stop myself then although the discipline was a crucial part of it happening. My question is can DD stop drinking entirely? She has some solid reasons for proposing this and I don’t disagree with her. I just don’t want to completely stop although I am willing to be spanked for exceeding my limits, I want to keep those limits. I sound like I am whining and maybe I am but looking for an honest answer from anyone who might want to comment whether DD can really achieve abstinence. Has anyone tried it and if so what happened? Thanks"

As I said in my reply to Alan's comment, I am hardly the guy to answer this one.  Like him, I don't want to completely stop, and I do think that in my case doing so would have some negative career ramifications.  It's just too big a part of my particular professional culture.  But, beyond that, I do like hanging out and having drinks with people at work and with friends of ours in the neighborhood. The plain fact is, many social bonds are formed or fostered over a mug of beer or glass ofwine.  As de Sade said, “Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.”  The plain fact is, I *like* drinking alcohol, and I really like the social aspect of doing it with friends and co-workers. I really don't want to give that up, though moderating it would be a great thing. 

 But, I do wish I could get better about limits while continuing to imbibe socially. But,  I do wonder sometimes whether it's really possible. I think some people are pretty binary when it comes to bad habits -- it has to be either on or off and nothing in between really works.

Alan also related his topic to our discussion of "bitchiness," I do think that something that would really help me in sticking to limits or not drinking at all in certain situations is if she would just tell me not to, and do it strongly, forcefully and consistently. While I don't always succeed, I do try to obey when she gives me a direct order. So, maybe to make it work it has to be some kind of stepped up bossiness, plus DD, plus the embarrassment Alan references, though I'd like to hear more about that latter one. Another thing she tried on one occasion and that actually did seem to help was a spanking before we went out to an event.  Sitting on a tender bottom kept me very aware of how much I was drinking and that too many would result in a another when we got home.

But, while I may not be the right person to answer Alan's question regarding this particular habit, hopefully some of the rest of you can provide some input? But, let's cast a little wider net with the topic:  Have you used Domestic Discipline successfully to break any deeply ingrained bad habit?  Let's also put a bit more of an FLR spin on it:  Have you done so in a situation like Alan's in which your disciplinarian spouse wanted to break you of a habit that you yourself were not so wild about eliminating?

I hope you have a great week.

The Club - Meeting 269 - Limiting Beliefs

"One is not born a woman, one becomes one." - Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1949

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  Mine was both exhausting and relieving at the same time.  The exhaustion came from WAY too much business travel combined with WAY too many business meetings and WAY too much business socializing.  All while trying to get some real work crammed in here and there. The relief came from the fact that the overwhelming work project that was going to keep me under water for five or six weeks came to a screeching halt.  Knowing myself as well as I do, the temporary feeling of freedom will almost certainly be replaced soon by frustration and anxiety about not having enough to do.  That's just the way I'm wired.

But, it is good to have a weekend mostly off, especially at this time of year.  I really do love the Fall.  Walking the dogs this morning was wonderful.  The briskness of the air, the gorgeous colors . . . it really is my favorite time of year, though Christmas season is a close second and probably comes in behind only because I don't like the cold all that much. 

Also, this month brings Halloween, which is hands down the most interesting of our U.S. holidays.  No others combine mischievousness with a touch of kink. Imagination also plays a role, with certain costumes and displays appearing innocent if you're, well, innocent, but perhaps just a tad kinky if that's your thing.  For example, is this guy engaging in some innocent mooning, or perhaps bending over for his spanking:

Because of my travel, our DD and FLR activities got put on hold. But, my wife's interest seems to be stirring again.  We talked last week about why the "bottom" partner seems always to be more into than the Top. But, lately, if anything my wife brings it up more than I do.  Which is good.  Even though we have been doing this for a dozen or more years, it really is only in the last year or so that she seems to have gone mentally from just accommodating my need and seeing some collateral benefits to her from using DD to end arguments and express her dissatisfaction, to really starting to enjoy the power exchange and being more openly dominant.  In other words, the real change has been in her attitude.  I think deep down inside, the Domme was always in there, but it was so buried in layers of cultural and social and familial and personal inhibitors, it stayed dormant.

So, what are the things that hold your disciplinarian back from being all they can be?  I'll kick it off with a few of the things my wife probably had to overcome, some of which are still a work in progress:

• Following is more acceptable than leading:  I think for both men and women, following is more socially acceptable than leading.  We dress the latter up with pleasant labels, like being a "team player" or a "good soldier."  And, while we respect people with strong leadership skills, those who exercise them can quickly come under criticism for being "uppity," presumptuous, or "too big for their britches."
• Social pressure to be nice and to put others' needs ahead of our own:  There is a constant pressure in our society to be nice.  Polite.  Self-effacing. Those who put their own interests first are often seen as selfish or "not nice."  For the dominant party in a DD relationship, it can be hard to give yourself permission to express your own desires and preferences, let alone to express them as a command.
• Fear of hurting the other party:  This has both physical and emotional dimensions.  Many new Disciplinary Wives fear literally hurting him via a "too hard" spanking.  They fear hurting him emotionally via a "too strict" demeanor.  Ironically, most of the husbands want the physical discipline to be harder or longer, the non-physical discipline to be more humbling and unyielding, and the dominant partner's exercise of authority to be far more strict, more authoritarian and to be that way more consistently.
• Fear of being powerful:  I think some Dominant Wives worry deep down inside about what will happen if they really give in to what Nietzsche called the Will to Power.  We are all so conditioned to deplore dictators, authoritarians, sadists--basically anyone who shows too much comfort with exercising power over others--that budding Disciplinary Wives and Dommes fear the stigma of being seen to revel in exercising power over another human being and probably have some socialized aversion to being that kind of person.

My wife's newfound enthusiasm for being dominant seems to have two aspects.  First, she is finally really accepting that I want this.  That while it may be hard for me to accept in the moment, part of my wants and needs boundaries and rules.  And wants them to be imposed strictly and consistently.  Second, she is finally getting comfortable admitting that she enjoys bossing me around, setting the rules, and being served.  Another aspect that we are both getting more comfortable with--but which I will save for a future post once I can come up with a new angle to hit it from--is that there is a relatively strong "maternal" energy at play for both of us, which in the past there was a lot of reticence about acknowledging let alone exploring.

So, what attitudes are holding back your disciplinarian or have held them back in the past.  Are those attitudes something they have overcome?  If so, any thoughts on how that came about?

Have a great week.

The Club - The Difference Between Bottoms and Tops

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a good week.  Mine was, as anticipated, unbelievably busy, and it's not remotely close to over yet.  But, whether this goes on for another six weeks or ends abruptly is suddenly a bit in doubt.  Unfortunately, in the meantime, I can't pull back at all.  So, my warning that posts may be short or non-existent over the next few weeks remains in force. But, since I have a tiny bit of time this morning . . .

I wanted to follow up on the issue raised by the KD Pierre cartoon I posted last week.  It seems to simply be a truism that in these relationships--whether DD, FLR or, in the case of KD's cartoon, BDSM or Femdom oriented--it is  the "bottom" who usually is more engaged in the dynamic.  Sometimes to the point of obsession.  While the Tops may accommodate or even be into it, often it just isn't as pervasive or all-consuming for them.  Any ideas why that might be?

For myself, as I have discussed many times, I didn't have any desire for DD at all--and had never even heard of adult disciplinary spanking--until I was well into my 30s.  Yet, despite having no pre-existing desire for it, once I did discover it, it hit me like a truck.  Looking back, I suspect that while I did not have any kind of dormant need for spanking, I always had a need for boundaries.  I grew up largely without them, and throughout my teens, twenties and even early thirties, I was prone to excessive and extreme behavior, and often felt totally out of control even if the people around me saw me as competent and successful.  I think that when I discovered DD, for the first time I recognized that there might actually be a cure for my internal angst and anxiety.  My wife, on the other hand, has always been a balanced person with a balanced temperament.  I think she doesn't get obsessed with DD in the way I do (or used to, at any rate), because she is already in a state of relevant balance, while I am not.  Now, she does like it, and it does help balance her sometimes more passive personality, because it helps her be more forceful and assertive.  But, her starting point is just different and less excessive, while my natural state is so unbalanced that I consciously or unconsciously feel a tug more often toward whatever moderates that tendency.

Anyway, that's my rambling thought on this Saturday morning, before I go off to engage with my excessive and unbalanced life some more.

Dan

No (Real) Post This Week

When we try to be something that we are not, we become the slave of a rigid, fixed mind, following a rule about how things have to be. The violence and the anger in us remain unnoticed, because we are caught in our pictures of how we should be.” ― Charlotte Joko Beck

Hi all.  I apologize for not posting anything substantive for two weeks in a row, but Tomy gave me a two-week dispensation.  KD advised that I post something that isn't spanking related in order to just mix things up a bit.  He gave me permission to use one of his cartoons, which illustrates that some of us on the receiving end of a DD relationship probably do need to work a little to ensure it isn't a bit all-consuming. 

But, while I think KD is right about my need to rebalance a bit in terms of my focus when it comes to creative endeavors, I think I am going to take Tomy's advice and just lay off of blogging entirely for another week.  For the last month, it has seemed more like a chore than it should, and it also has been taking up WAY more time than I can comfortably give right now.  I'm staring down five or six weeks of pure hell at work, and I just don't have hours a day right now to spend on this, particularly given how much of that time has become just plain not fun or productive.  So, while I do plan to post again soon, the posts may be pretty short for the next few weeks until I get past this incredibly busy period.  I am also noodling other things I might want to do that are DD related, but that are both wider in subject matter and narrower in venue.  We'll see . . .

In the meantime, I leave you with this.  Not because it has any meaning at all, but simply because I thought it was pretty damn funny.

 

Have a good week!

Dan

Delayed Post

Today's regularly scheduled post will be delayed.  Probably until next week.

The Club - Meeting #267 - Après Spanking

"Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time." - H. L. Mencken

Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led relationships.

I hope you had a good week.  Mine was pretty decent, right up until last night.  It sometimes seems like self-control is a finite resource, and once it is used up over the course of a few days, it's just gone and the pendulum swings dramatically in the other direction.  Very disappointing.  A line from the movie Tombstone keeps playing in my head.  "My dear, it appears we may need to re-define the nature of our association."  But, it's not easy re-defining oneself, is it?  As Oscar Wilde observed, "But, then one regrets the loss even of one's worst habits.  Perhaps one regrets them the most. They are such an essential part of one's personality."  

This week's topic is, as  promised, an extension of a discussion kicked off by Alan.  In discussing the role sex plays--or does not play--in his disciplinary arrangement, he observed:

[E]arlier I did experience lovemaking immediately after spanking which I remember as a passionate and intimate experience. My wife feels strongly about this, believing that sex works against the disciplinary effects of a spanking and so I am unlikely to change her mind. But it would be interesting in this community to know how much or little lovemaking is allowed by our wives and girlfriends. From reading I have the impression my situation is pretty common and Helen’s rare, but could be wrong.

 I honestly don't know which approach to sex after a spanking is common and which is rare. I definitely appreciate the view that discipline should be separated from sex, in order to make the discipline more effective and to make sure that discipline really is, well, discipline.

Many men who are attracted to this lifestyle seem to crave "authenticity."  They need it to be real.  Real discipline for real offenses. It's why there really is a danger of "be careful what you wish for; you might get it."  Some wives, like Alan's, decide that there really does need to be a clear separation between discipline and sex.  As I recall, Anna and Peter also fall into that camp.

Although I appreciate the logic of that position and intellectually it makes perfect sense to me, our practice is different.  We almost always do have sex after a disciplinary session, though we seem to be drifting a little in the opposite direction.  It hasn't been so much a conscious choice and, like so many other things in our life, our practice in this area may have been influenced by the presence or absence of children.   I suspect that we often had sex after discipline sessions not because the two were linked together in our minds, but because there were limited times when we were (a) both physically present; (b) not working or occupied with other things; and (c) kids were in bed or gone.  So, both sex and spanking happened on those rare occasions when the stars aligned on all three of those factors.  Now, with longer periods in which the kids are not around, she is free to "take care of business" when the need arises, and it isn't followed by sex as often.  And, like Alan, I do get very into my wife's power and authority after a spanking and feel a strong need to express that with real intimacy.

There also seemed to be a current in the comments last week of some women simply not being turned on after a spanking.  Quite the opposite.  His behavior has pissed her off, the spanking is serious business, so sex is simply not an option for her at that time.

And, then there are those women who flat-out get aroused by the whole thing, whether by the actual act of punishing their husband in this undoubtedly intimate way or by exercising their own power.

Which approach to sex governs your relationship?

 

The Club - Meeting #266 - All Dressed Up . . .

"I can take care of my enemies, but Lord protect me from my friends."  -- Voltaire

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  It was an interesting one, on all sorts of levels.  The discussion was interesting, though probably a good reminder to me that, while I reserve the right to post about politics when I feel the need, it probably won't be something I do very often.  And, when I need that outlet, KD's blog almost always serves as one.  Thanks again to him for letting me borrow his artwork.  

Regarding the actual topic, ZM wins the prize for most astute observation: "Having said all this, probably most of us are just fooling ourselves anyway, because our very perceptive offspring probably can put together the subtle clues and may be much more aware of our activities than we think they are!" Well said and almost undoubtedly true.

As is all too often the case, I find myself totally worn out on this beautiful Saturday morning, and while it is mostly my fault, not entirely.  Unless peer pressure is just never an excuse and I must be 100% resistant to temptation all the time.  

As usual, it all comes down to me liking alcohol just a little too much, and having too many friends who fit in that same category.  I had some mid-week business travel, culminating in a business dinner.  Interestingly, it began with all of us refusing the bread basket at the beginning of the meal based on our low-carb diets, and ended with us demolishing that bowl, and carbs with our dinners, and then dessert!  Along with a bottle of wine.  I suspect sometimes that my fondness for booze really is just another aspect of sugar addiction, and they certainly seem to at least be mutually enforcing.  Unfortunately, the night didn't end there, as I went back to the hotel with the intention of having "a" nightcap.  Then, a work colleague called regarding something we needed to cover.  She too was in a hotel bar, and we ended up having real drinks "together" in the virtual world of a cellphone conversation separated by several hundred miles.  I had to fly again the next day, getting an unanticipated upgrade to First Class, and the flight attendants seemed particularly attentive in refilling my glass.  The net result was total exhaustion and, frankly, one of those "why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself" moments of self-awareness in which I promised to get on the right track and seriously pondered getting started on a belated Sober September, which I understand is kind of a "thing" these days.  And, I really meant to do it.  Then, my wife set up an an unanticipated get together with another couple, at an Oktoberfest of all things, and I'm just not wired to stay perfectly sober when surrounded by a bunch of people wearing lederhosen and carrying tankards of good beer.  Hence, the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon and the qoute from Voltaire.   But, I really do need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try once more to get my shit together.

Perhaps because my mind is basically jello after several days of abusing myself, but also because finding topics remains challenging, this week's topic is probably one some will find a little boring, but I just can't think of anything more profound or worth covering right now.  And, as is often the case, comments from one week help feed the beast for a subsequent week.  A couple of weeks ago we got off-topic to a discussion of canes (and I have since bought several, some of which may get tried out this weekend).  TommyTucker observed:

 

"When C canes she invariably dresses in a sleeveless dress or shirt because she has found that a completely bare right arm enables her to swing that cane with no interference from loose clothing. I personally find it very erotic when C dresses in a sleeveless dress on a normal day or evening, because I am reminded of those occasions when that bare right arm has come down hard on me."

Similarly addressing the issue topic of spanking-devoted dressing up by our Disciplinary Wives, ZM discussed his wife's adoption of a camouflage shirt as her signal that a spanking was coming:

"The camouflage shirt was her idea, and it flowed out of us making this an extended boot camp time where she would intentionally be more demanding and significantly raise her expectations. The idea was to make a big deal out of small details so that I would become more conscientious, and hopefully as I learned to take care of small things, some big things would improve as well. We were joking about her being the drill sergeant, and she was like "I have just the thing to wear!"

Once we had ascribed special meaning to that shirt, it suddenly became a very clear signalling device. This has been especially useful during these summer months, when our house has been full. If she walks in the room wearing that shirt, nobody else will notice in the least, but for me, time stops. I then know that I have dome something wrong and she has decided to punish me as soon as we are alone. One additional "benefit" (though I am not really sure it is positive), is that once she puts on the shirt, she is also basically committed because she knows she sent the signal."

For women more than men, clothing really seems to hide as much as it reveals,

 and you certainly cannot judge a book by its cover.

We really don't have any such ritual, though it has been on my mind a lot since ZM brought up the camouflage shirt.  As was the case with for some of us with certain tools, certain aspects of Domestic Discipline do seem to take on a ritualistic significance, and I can see how dressing a certain way could become significant in that way.  And, while we don't really incorporate a particular kind of dressing up into our Domestic Discipline activities, I have noted that when my wife is having particular success in becoming more dominant, her daily dress does become more professional and structured, which I personally love.

Do the Disciplinary Wives adopt any special outfit, whether to signal a spanking is coming or for purposes of carrying out the disciplinary event? Do you find the ebbs and flows of disciplinary dominance are reflected in your partner's dress?

DCC Meeting #265 - Implements, The Final Hiding

“We gather to mourn the passing of American greatness — the real thing, not cheap rhetoric from men who will never come near the sacrifice, those that live lives of comfort and privilege while he suffered and served. America does not boast because she has no need to. The America of John McCain has no need to be made great again because America was always great.” – Meghan McCain

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or want to be in, Domestic Discipline or Wife Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.  Mine began with a bit of remote, though genuine, mourning.  I was always a huge fan of John McCain.  He was one of my political heroes for many years, which is why it pained me so much not to vote for him in the general election in 2008.  I just couldn't bring myself to cast a vote to put Palin anywhere near the White House.

But, though I was disappointed in McCain as a candidate, he remained a role model for me as a person.  So, I do genuinely mourn his loss, along with the loss of a view of politics that honored statesmanship over tribalism.  He really does seem to be virtually the last of an era of politicians who would, at least every once in a while, elevate the national interest over party politics.  And, at least he made up the whole Palin thing to me in the end by not inviting her to the funeral!  

Now, on to less profound thoughts, and last week's "implements" topic certainly fits.  As dry and boring as a conversation about spanking implements can be, we did with last week's topic what we could.  At least a few people talked about the actual topic, which was whether particular implements were associated with particular emotional responses, but I guess it was inevitable that much of the conversation would drift into each implement's respective merits as a correction tool. Perhaps that collective advice was, at a minimum, helpful for any DD newbies who might have been visiting here last week.

This week's topic extends our discussion about implements, but looks at the opposite end of the temporal DD spectrum, focusing on those who have been in DD a long time.  A very long time.  It also sort of ties into the above discussion about funerals and the passing of our elders, though definitely a less serious and somber aspect of that theme  I'll illustrate the topic with this cartoon by our own KD Pierre.  I hope he doesn't mind me plundering his works--which you can find at http://mattmansfigures.homestead.com/cartstart.html--without his advance consent, but I had the inspiration for this topic this morning and didn't have time to ask him.

Most of us put a lot of thought and planning into making sure our kids don't find out about our Domestic Discipline practices, but have you but that same kind of thought and planning into making sure they don't find out about it after you pass? Or, do you even care if they find out once you're gone?  Are you horrified, amused, or just plain uninterested at what such discovery might mean for your legacy?  Perhaps it's not an issue for those whose DD "tools of the trade" are confined to brushes and kitchen spoons, but what about those with a more exotic collection?  Have you made any arrangements to ensure your family and friends won't stumble across your DD activities when they are divvying up your stuff after the funeral?

We once did have such a plan, though it is so outdated now that I doubt it would actually work if we both passed without warning.  I have talked about the fact that there is one person who knows about our DD lifestyle; a mutual friend I told about it some time ago.  When I told her about our activities, she asked how we kept my wife's tools hidden, and I told her we keep them in a locked chest, along with some other adult "novelties."  She's a very smart lady, and she asked whether we had a plan in place to get rid of that chest if the worst should happen.  We didn't, and she volunteered to take possession and get rid of it if something should happen to us. That would, of course, involve making such arrangements in a will, and therein lies the gap in my plan.  We do have a will, but it's outdated and I haven't added anything dealing with disposal of our little adult toy collection.  Also, over time I migrated much of the collection to a locked suitcase, but I also have left other tools in more accessible places where they would inevitably be found if someone goes pawing through all our stuff after we're gone. As things stand, if something were to happen to us unexpectedly, I have little doubt that family and friends inevitably will find the evidence of our extracurricular activities, though they may be left scratching their heads about who was spanking whom.  Though, even that might be revealed if anyone were to find old written journal entries, forms we've used for weekly reports, etc.

Also, part of me hates the thought that this thing that has meant so much to us would just be tossed aside literally, in a locked box bound for the garbage dump, after we're gone.  Helen talked last week about wishing she had the brush her mother used on her and her brothers, and Anna talked about using a belt that came from Peter's grandfather (though she didn't say whether the belt was ever used for anything more than holding up his pants).  The idea of such inter-generational disciplinary use of high-quality tools--in which they become kind of a kinky family heirloom--is something I find both amusing and satisfying.  Further, I have invested a hell of a lot of money into some really nice paddles and straps over the years, and I hate to think about them being thrown into some landfill.

How about you? Have you taken any steps to ensure your spanking anonymity even after death?  A morbid topic to be sure, but given that most of our little community seems to be over 50, one that deserves some thought and attention, since you just never know when your own time is up.

With that comforting thought, have a great week.