Sunday, October 18, 2020

The Club - Meeting 357 - Adventures in Humbling

“’Thank you,’ the old man said.  He was too simple to wonder when he had attained humility. But he knew he had attained it and he knew it was not disgraceful and it carried no loss of true pride.” – Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship. 

 

   

I’m sorry for the sporadic posting lately. It’s really been a tough few weeks.  I feel like maybe we have turned the corner on some of the angst and drama, but every time I think this year couldn’t get any worse, somehow it manages to serve up yet another unpleasant surprise.

 

  

Over these last few weeks, we have been caught in a vicious circle.  I’ve been stressed to the gills thanks to things going on at work.  My wife has been beyond stressed because of a major family issue.  My stress led to misbehaving even more than usual, including one truly epic fail that left her very mad and me very disappointed in myself.  The tension in the relationship then adds to our stress. I did tell her that I knew how mad she was and that I had been trying to atone for it with better behavior and trying to take some household burdens off of her.  She gets all that, but she also insisted on delivering that special kind of “atonement” that those of us in Domestic Discipline marriages have consented to and asked for. 


   

In an interesting development—one that is germane to this week’s topic—something about this latest behavioral problem seemed finally to push her in a much more dominant direction.  She spanked me hard on Monday. On Tuesday, we talked about how much I seem to be needing much stricter “maternal” discipline. She agreed and voiced her intention to deliver it.  But, we have had MANY such discussions, and it just never seems to gel.  So, it was somewhat surprising when she called the next morning and gave me two chores that I was to complete that day. The next morning, she called again and again gave me a chore to complete.  She also lectured me about a series of failures to lock all the doors when I leave the house, and though she didn’t come right out and say it, the unmistakable message was that I could expect a spanking if I did it again.   

In the moment, being bossed around like a teenager by a strict mother is, in a word, humbling.  And irritating in just the way it would be to a teenage boy in a strict household.  As I have said here many times before, I am not a submissive. While deep down inside I probably crave boundaries, in the moment they are being imposed I chafe against them. I really do have a deep-seated aversion to authority.

Yet, I also genuinely believe that more humility and less ego would be a good thing for me.  I’m a fan of both Buddhist and stoic philosophy, and both emphasize not getting upset or stressed by the negative circumstances we all will inevitably encounter in life.  When I think about the stress and anger I’ve been feeling at work, a lot of it is caused not by the circumstances themselves but by me being very invested in certain outcomes and very devoted to getting my own way. Similarly, when my wife calls and gives me an order to do certain chores that day, or implicitly threatens punishment for violating a “rule” like locking all the doors at night or when I leave the house, it is a very humbling experience and emphasizes how much I am attached to my sense of autonomy and to getting my own way. Overcoming ego and pride was a major part of the self-improvement “cult” Nxivm that I have talked about here a few times and that is the subject of the cable series The Vow.

 

  

While it is very difficult in the moment, I do believe that being humbled by having to take direction from someone else would be a good thing in the long run. And, to the extent that she really starts cracking the whip—literally and figuratively—on things like diet, exercise, drinking too much, etc., it could result in reversing some of the troubling health and aging trends I’ve been contending with the last couple of years.  I also know that I get myself into trouble due to arrogance, temper, and lack of respect for authority.  Given the number of times those things have created problems for me, some "humbling" seems in order as a tool to help me exercise a little more self-control and get a handle on some negative emotional reactions.  Finally, while it's true that while I am not a natural submissive and definitely do not get off on being humiliated, there definitely is something very sexy about my wife exercising power and authority. 

 

I also think that while on the surface I am very averse to authority and very sensitive about being put in embarrassing situations, deep down inside part of me seems to crave forced humility.  I don’t think it is a coincidence that on those few occasions when I have dreamed about being spanked the dream scenario has involved inherently embarrassing and humbling situations like being taken out of a work event to be spanked by a manager. Then there was the dream about riding in a car with my mother who pulled over to the side of the road to give me a well-earned spanking. I’ve also talked about the time I made some smart-ass remark at a family Christmas brunch after my wife asked me to perform some task, and she quipped that I could do it or she could spank me.  I'm not sure anyone overheard, but I'm also not sure they didn't. The fact that I still think about it two years later says a lot about the power of being embarrassed by being publicly "outed" to family and friends. 

Others knowing about a spanking definitely does something for me, and it has something to do with the fact that it is inherently embarrassing and humbling.  While I've never thought I was into humiliation, beyond the practical benefits of humbling, I can't deny that there seems to be a pattern of fictional humiliation scenes getting my attention or having free rein in my dreams, including particularly M/m spanking scenarios, being spanked in public, and others being told about our DD relationship. 

   

 

Then there is my fascination with crying, which drove a huge amount of my initial obsession after discovering DD.  I have always thought my crying fetish is very much about the embarrassment and vulnerability associated with being spanked to real tears.  And, I absolutely believe that one of the primary reasons I have not let go and sobbed during a spanking is, in fact, because the embarrassment of doing that holds me back every time I get close.

 

Our weekly topics here almost always involve me asking a series of questions about our readers’ personal experiences with or feelings about each particular topic.  I want to change this up a little this time.  While humbling may or may not be part of your DD or FLR dynamic, Anne and I are determined to keep giving it a try.  Doling out chores is part of it.  Ramping up spanking is part of it.  But, we have not gone much beyond those.  I can come up with other ways for her to exercise her authority in ways that empower her and disempower/humble me.  But, have you ever noticed how sometimes you can give your spouse advice about something and they will blow it off, then they’ll hear the exact same thing from a friend or co-worker and suddenly it becomes just the right thing to do?  Maybe the same dynamic is at play when I suggest to Anne ways she might go about humbling me.  Perhaps it would be more powerful if she hears it from YOU.  Also, I don’t claim to be all that creative. Some of you may come up with things I would never think of on my own.

 

So, if humbling is a part of your dynamic, tell us what you’ve tried and what has worked for you.  Even if it is not part of your dynamic and you don’t want it to be, give us some ideas of what might work if you did want this as part of your dynamic.  Guys, what could your wife impose on you that your ego would really struggle to accept?  What could she make you do, or ban you from doing, that would really humble you or enforce her authority?  Ladies, if you wanted to humble your husband and sand off some of that ego, what specifically do you think would help accomplish that? 

 

   

I hope you all have fun with this.  I can’t make any promises about whether Anne will try out any specific suggestion. But, she does read the blog fairly regularly, and something you say might resonate.  In the meantime, enjoy the season.  And, be willing to take the consequences if you enjoy it a little TOO much.

 

   

Have a great week.

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Delayed (Again)

 

I hope you all are having a great fall weekend.  I'm sorry, but I'm still distracted with some other stuff this weekend, though I will try to get a post out later this week.  In the meantime, I hope whatever is left of your weekend is nice.  Hopefully you're getting more done with Halloween decorating than I am. Of course, I'm pretty sure our HOA would fine me for this one . . .




Sunday, October 4, 2020

No Post This Week

 Hi all.  I know my posting has been pretty unpredictable lately, and here I go again.  We've had family around all weekend and, honestly, it's just been one of those weeks. 

So, instead of spending a couple of hours working on a blog post, I'm going to take some time off and enjoy the fall colors, maybe from the seat of a motorcycle if the weather holds.

I'm also refusing to give up on the Halloween spirit, even if parties and kids roaming around the neighborhood in costumes may not be a thing for the first time in like forever.

Maybe it just means we'll have to spend the Halloween season focusing more on 1:1 time and adult activities.


Have a great week. 



Sunday, September 27, 2020

The Club - Meeting 356 - Interrogation, Reporting and Asking

If we are not ashamed to think it, we should not be ashamed to say it. - Marcus Tullius Cicero

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline Relationships. I hope you had a good week.

 

Where we live, summer seems to be winding down.  Not that it was much of a summer anyway.

 

  

Fall is definitely in the air here, which would usually have me thinking about leaves turning, college football tailgating, pumpkins being gathered and carved and, of course, Halloween. But, here we are with dodging forest fires and choking on smoke and haze instead of tree-gazing, fan-free sporting events with tail-gating banned, and it looks like Halloween will be be more or less canceled this year. Not only will most kids not be trick-or-treating," but even adult parties will be out of the question thanks to social-distancing.

 


That’s really a drag.  I’ve always loved that holiday, and I’ve groused many times that work travel has made me miss way too many Halloweens over the years. Ironically, and perfectly in line with everything else in 2020, this year I likely will be here for the holiday, but the holiday is unlikely to be here for me.  Oh well, I guess we will soldier on, and since it is outdoors maybe a trip to the pumpkin patch remains a socially-distanced possibility.

 

   

As I reported, last week was a tough one for us.  The one and only good thing about it was it brought home to me just how far my behavior has drifted over the last few months and gave me some real commitment to trying to fix it. It has me genuinely refocused on getting my shit together on multiple fronts. In response to one of my cryptic comments about my behavior, Alan offered this sage advice:

 

Regarding moving forward on the behavior front: I sense your frustration and offer what has worked for us. First following Aunt Kay’s original advice, we developed a list of behaviors that were problems for one or both of us. Very important at that point was that we both agreed that the behavior needed to change. In short we both needed to buy into it as a goal whether it was relatively trivial or later when the behaviors were serious issues. That buy in by both of us was crucial. I think the original list numbered around a dozen and it ranged from annoyances like my (then) chronic habit of being 10 or 15 minutes late for dates to smoking. Next ,also following Aunt Kay, we prioritized the list to 2 or 3 things to emphasize, picking middle range things rather than the most challenging behaviors, eventually working up to the most serious issues. We actually started with a cliché, leaving the commode seat up and one other. But even these “easy” ones established the habit of compliance and the reality of consequences. We dealt with the accountability issue by her committing to ask me as often as every day whether I was “disobedient” (i.e. violated one of her rules) – and me committing to never lie to her about that. She also committed to being consistent which meant if I confessed to disobedience I would be punished,, no exceptions This made it unnecessary for her to monitor my behavior (beyond the regular interrogations) and it turned out to be the feature about our system we both liked most. She doesn’t like to monitor and while I find it hard to ask for a spanking or “out” myself, I find it’s very easy to be truthful with her when she interrogates me even when I know I am in trouble. Looking back on this the two thing that seem most important to it working are first our commitment as a couple to modifying the behavior – and second her follow up including regularly interrogating me.

 

ZM responded to Alan’s comment with this:

 

Hi Alan.  I think the interrogation thing is pretty much what we are doing with the weekly check-ins. She has previously said that she doesn't want me to self-report, but in fact that is exactly what I am doing on most items, except that it is at her prompting/interrogating.

 

  To which Alan responded:

 

ZM, I can understand how your wife would discourage self-reporting because while the motive for doing so might be as pure as the driven snow- it can easily come off as topping from below, making her fell pressure to "perform" rather than to be in charge. Interrogation switches that dynamic putting her completely in control and allowing her to determine if an issue is timely to address or not. Interrogation puts responsibility on a wife but she gets to decide when and how to discharge that responsibility. I know I don't need to remind you of this, but committing to never be untruthful with her makes it all work once she has committed to regular interrogation. – Alan

 

Capping off this exchange and responding to my comment that I’m not good at self-reporting nor is my wife good at interrogating, ZM observed:

   

Hi Dan and Alan. Dan, I totally get what you said about the two sides of the same coin. I am fortunate because my wife is very, very good at keeping things on schedule, and there is no chance that she will just let it slip by the wayside. When we were doing this before, it stopped only because suddenly we had a house full of teenagers (returns from college plus our high-schooler), and it just simply became impossible to get ANY time alone at all for a while. So eventually we just kind of gave up on it. This time, we have much more freedom, so I think it will last, especially since she has started to notice and comment on the positive results it is generating.  And Alan, I think we are exactly on the same wavelength about the difference between self-initiated self-reporting and self-reporting in response to interrogation. With interrogation the power structure is reinforced, whereas (as you pointed out) self-initiated self-reporting can easily upset or weaken or undermine the power structure. By her making the decision to interrogate, she has also - at least implicitly if not explicitly - made the decision to act upon the information that she gets.  I am fortunate that my wife really takes to the keeping things on schedule and so she totally owns the process. And since this seems to strengthen the power structure, hopefully it will become a virtuous cycle where she feels more and more comfortable with interrogating me and exercising her authority (though she is already pretty comfortable with it).

 

I know we’ve talked a lot about reporting, but this whole issue of how to build some rigor and regularity into our DD relationship—which has been off track all year despite having a house to ourselves—has really been on my mind lately, largely because I’m trying to face up to the fact that I really do need to get on top of some problematic behaviors that just don’t seem to get better.  So, for the next couple of weeks, I may explore some things we’ve talked about before, in an effort to get more input and advice from the group.

 

 

So, like I said, we’ve talked in the past about self-reporting, asking for it when you know you deserve it, etc., and the tension that Alan alludes to between those husband-initiated means of helping ensure bad behavior gets addressed and the possibility that they might cause the wife to feel pressured or disempowered.  It sounds like for both Alan and ZM, the tension has been resolved by their wives interrogating them pretty actively about their behavior, though ZM’s new regimen has a pretty rigorous reporting mechanism built into it.

 

Interrogation hasn’t really been a part of our dynamic, and perhaps that has been part of our enforcement problem.  Though, that kind of begs the question – if it is not a part of our dynamic, and if the dynamic might improve if it were, how can I bring that improvement about without taking control by once again trying some kind of reporting regimen to kick it off and hope it becomes part of her personal arsenal for addressing bad behavior and keeping things on track?

 

 

Mulling this over this morning as I was thinking about a topic for today reinforced to me just how dependent DD is on the husband either proactively self-reporting or being honest in response to questioning from his wife, because so much of our limiting behaviors may happen outside her presence and be more or less undetectable without an actual confession.

 

   

Now, for some wives, that’s probably just fine.  She may have little or no concerns about behavior that isn’t readily apparent and doesn’t impact her directly.  But, then there are couples at the almost opposite extreme, like Liz and Art.  Art recognizes the problems that arrogance and attitude have caused him at work.  But, because the problematic behavior happens outside Liz’s presence, it could go completely undetected if he didn’t take the initiative to report it.  Their way around the problem is interesting in that it doesn’t really rely on either interrogation or self-reporting but, rather, on “prophylactic” or “preventative” spankings that attempt to address bad behavior by ensuring it doesn’t happen in the first place.

 

For our Disciplinary Wives, how do you feel bad behavior should best be detected so it can be addressed?  Do you currently do something like Alan describes, actively interrogating your husband about whether he has behaved as agreed or disobeyed one of the rules?  How do you feel about him reporting bad behavior?  Is it something you expect, or would you feel that undermines or pressures you?  What about not just reporting bad behavior but him actually asking for a spanking when he knows he deserves one?  That last one has been on my mind a lot this week.  I very seldom come right out and ask to be spanked or punished, yet there are times that I know she is stewing over something I did, and I know I believe I really deserve one.  In an ideal world, she would take command and just order one, but what if she doesn’t?

 

For the men, does your wife interrogate you to ferret out bad behavior?  If so, how do you feel about that? If not, would you like that to be a part of your dynamic?  If not, how do you address behavior you know you should be punished for—and perhaps even want to be punished for—that she may not be aware of or may not punish even when she does know about it?

 

Have a great week.

Sunday, September 20, 2020

The Club - Meeting 355 - Before and After Thoughts

“Wishes are brutal, unforgiving things. They burn your tongue the moment they're spoken and you can never take them back.” - Alice Hoffman

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline Relationships. I hope you had a good week.

 

Ours was really rough.  Every time I think this year just can’t possibly get any worse, somehow it does.  It wasn’t a great week for the country either.  Or at least for half of it.

 

 

I’m also sitting here on a pleasant Sunday feeling particularly bad about my own personal behavior.  Early in the week, I was really trying to turn a corner on getting some nagging health and behavior issues under control, yet with another weekend came another big fail.  It has me thinking again about “zero tolerance” policies, stern and strict discipline, etc.  But, the challenge is, of course, finding the right enforcement or incentive structure – something that has eluded me for years now.  I was thinking about some of this earlier in the week when watching the HBO series The Vow, which is about the Nxivm “personal empowerment” that billed itself as an “Executive Success Program,” that also had earmarks of a pyramid scheme, and had within it a small group of women that took personal power in a very Domestic Discipline direction.  As some of you may recall, I got intrigued this several months ago and about the philosophy of self-improvement described in this New York Time article. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/30/magazine/sex-cult-empowerment-nxivm-keith-raniere.html.  What really intrigued me was the whole thing sounded so . . . disciplinary.  It was all about finding sufficient leverage to overcome those self-limiting habits or establish better ones.  Apparently, I was right in intuiting a very DD-like connection.  In the most recent episode, a woman talked about the communications between her and the woman above her in the hierarchy and the kind of structure and discipline that was imposed.  The producers displayed a series of texts between them.  It isn’t clear from the exchange what the underlying behavior was.

 

 

But, it becomes VERY clear what the consequences of not complying with the rules would be.

 

 


So, I exit this week and enter a new one pondering whether there is some system or set of procedures I can put in place to finally get enough leverage over myself to put an end to some of the behaviors that have chronically caused problems for myself and others.  I’m mulling some options, though the linchpin has to really be execution and follow-up.  I’ll keep mulling and think and, hopefully, report back where we end up.

 

In the meantime, the events of this week left me pretty empty of when it came to topic ideas.  Thankfully, one of our commenters provided me with one.  A couple of weeks ago, Belle suggested the following:

 

I want to suggest a possible topic because I am curious about this and believe it is probably much more intense for other couples than it currently is for us: What are the thoughts and feelings that both husband and wife think and feel immediately before and immediately after punishment? Describe them in exquisite detail. Before punishment means from the time a spanking is announced until the first spank lands, so including getting implements, lecture, removal of clothing, positioning of the husband, etc. After punishment means from the moment the last spank lands until the couple is back to normal, including cornertime or any meditation time, putting clothing back on, talk about the punishment, cuddling, sex triggered by the punishment, etc.

 

 


For me, the most consistent aspect of my thought process is really the gap between what I am thinking immediately before a spanking is announced and what I am thinking right after the announcement.  Particularly when I am in a remorseful mood or angry at myself for some behavior failure, I’m often actively thinking about how I really deserve one, hoping she will order one, etc. Then, after she announces one is coming, all that just vanishes completely and I become laser focused on how much I do not want to be spanked.  Even when I know an announcement is likely coming, my stomach still jumps to my throat when it actually comes.

 


 

I suspect that for some husbands, there is a desire to just face the music and get it over with soon. That virtually never happens with me. From the moment one is announced, I switch into avoidance mode and begin hoping that something will happen that interferes with execution of the sentence.  It’s pretty rare that she tells me in advance exactly what time it will be carried out, so I often have an hour or to stew and think about what is coming, then at some point she will either come downstairs and announce it is time for me to come upstairs and get ready or she will send a text to that effect.  Regardless of the form of that communication, in that moment I go from a kind of low level dread to a kind of resigned “I really don’t want this, but here we go.  . . .” Our routine is so ritualized, from that point I’m kind of on auto-pilot.  Without being ordered to, I retrieve the suitcase in which we keep the implements, put it on the bed and open it.  I then pull a large ottoman into the center of the room and put a large cushion on top of it.  I then undress and wait for her to come out.  During that process, I’m usually thinking about nothing other than how much this is going to suck, though I sometimes try to make myself think about what I did to get myself into this situation.  It really stays that way until the first spank lands.

 

 

Belle also asked about the thought process from the last swat onward until things are back to normal.  When she tells me it’s over, my first thought is usually just plain old relief, though every once in a while I feel disappointed if I feel like the behavior really deserved a longer spanking.  Since most of our spankings happen shortly before our usual bed time, and since we often but not always do have sex, I will often ask for her direction on whether we are having sex.  If so, I usually don’t undress.  I put away her tools, put the ottoman back in place at the foot of the bed, etc.  During that process, I’m generally not thinking about what just happened.  It really is like the slate has been cleaned.  When we get back in bed, however, we often do talk about the spanking she just delivered.  I’m usually feeling very loving and attracted to her in that moment.  There is something so very attractive about her willingness to exercise her power like that.  That period right after a spanking is probably the closest I ever get to feeling “submissive,” though the better word probably is “humbled.”  It’s like a lot of the male ego, stress, anxiety, etc. just vanishes.

 

How about you?  What are you gentlemen thinking about during that after a spanking has been announced but before it has been delivered?  What about immediately after?  

 

How about our Disciplinary Wives? What are you thinking about during the lead up to announcing a spanking?   What about when you are actually communicating your decision to give one?

 

 

Has it changed over time?  Have you gone from tentative to confident?

 

 

How about when you are ready to deliver?

 

How do you feel after you’ve taken care of business?  


  

I hope you all have a great week. 

Sunday, September 13, 2020

No Post This Week & RIP to A Boyhood Crush

Hi all.  I'm sorry, but we have family stuff going on this weekend.  So, I won't be posting other than these tribute pics to Dame Diana Rigg who passed away earlier this week.  I'm a huge James Bond fan, and one of the few among such fans who rates On Her Majesty's Secret Service as one of the best Bond films.  I don't recall when I saw it or her for the first time, but I think it was back in high school. Whenever it was, I had a serious crush from that point on.  I wasn't very attuned to such things at the time, but I've always felt she had a remarkably kinky vibe. While a bit sheer, this first pic seems to be quite fitting for this Year of the Mask.


 


 


Sunday, September 6, 2020

The Club - Meeting #354 - Jobs, Careers, Professions and DD

To be accountable means that we are willing to be responsible to another person for our behavior and it implies a level of submission to another's opinions and viewpoints." ― Wayde Goodall

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline Relationships. I hope you had a good week.

 

For those of you in the U.S., I hope you are in the middle of an enjoyable, long Labor Day weekend.  Since Monday is a holiday devoted to laborers and workers, it is timely in relation to a tangent some of us went off on last week.  Spanked Cowboy noted that his wife is a former teacher, which led to these responses from Liz and Alan:

 

I think teachers and school officials are very likely to become spankers in their personal lives. Police officers and judges as well.

Liz

 

This is interesting, suggesting as you do that certain occupations are more likely to produce spankers, presumably linked to the authority their day jobs provide. ( although it is also possible people with a lot of everyday authority may be interested in the power exchange that spanking often produces. I don't know of any formal research bearing on the relationship between spanking and occupations. although there is some anecdotal evidence that spanking may be more common among police officers and military personnel, (in the former case ( cops) the interest in spanking might be more the spankee that the disciplinarian). None of this is very scientific although the question as you present it could be interesting to research. In my own limited personal experience people from the medical fields are attracted to spanking.

Alan

 

 

That led me to refer tack to a poll I did way back in 2014 (when Blogger still had a polling gadget) that asked about our readers’ professions.  The results were as follows:

 

 

Doctor/Medical Provider:                     2%

Lawyer:                                                 12%

Accountant:                                           3%

Teacher:                                                4%

Other Profession:                                 13%

Business Executive:                             11%

Business Non-Executive:                     4%

Engineer/Technology:                          15%

Business Owner:                                  14%

Other:                                                   16%

 

As I admitted at the time, this poll was about as unscientific as it possibly could have been, for reasons both within and outside by control. The potential sample size was limited to however many readers I had at that time.  Of those, only 107 responded to the poll.  So, both the overall pool and the number of respondents were small.  I also came up with the categories, which were obviously very under-inclusive. But, even with a sample of only 107 self-selected respondents, a few interesting points seemed to emerge.

 

First, contrary to Alan’s observations about those in the medical profession, in this small poll it seemed that members of the medical community either were not very interested in domestic discipline, or did not visit domestic discipline or spanking oriented blogs very often, or were very shy when it comes to filling out polls.  I was a bit puzzled by that one, as I had always believed that DD seems to appeal guys with "control freak" tendencies or high-pressure jobs, and the medical profession seems to be chock full of those. And, maybe the egos in that profession might lead some of doctors' spouses to take up the paddle?



Second, I was a little surprised at how many engineers and technology professionals were represented, as I don't associate that group with the Alpha Male and "controller" archetypes that I usually associate with DD.  But, again, that may be no more than my own biases and limited experience shining through.  ZM was not one of our contributors at that time, so I hope he’ll weigh in on this once since he is into DD and has a very technical background. 

 

Third, one poll result did conform to my pre-existing biases and suppositions, namely that lawyers, business executives and business owners seemed to be over-represented among those who are into disciplinary spanking. 

 

Finally, "other" and "other professional" were, in combination, the largest block of respondents, which could indicate either that even back then we had a very diverse group of visitors to this blog or, less flattering, that I did a really poor job of selecting specific job categories and left out one or two large segments of the DD community.

 

Looking back, there was one other really big flaw in that poll:  It didn’t discriminate between spanker and spankees or between men and women.  At the time, I was really focused on blogging for men who were the disciplined parties in DD relationships, so my poll question really focused on whether there were discernible trends in the jobs and career choices of men in F/m-oriented DD relationships.  I didn’t focus at all on whether our Disciplinary Wives tended to come from any particular job or career background.

 

 

So, let's make jobs, professions and career choices, and their relationship to Domestic Discipline, the focus of this week's topic:  For those who are willing to share, what job, career or profession are YOU in, and what, if any, connection do you think there is between that job and your interest in DD?  Did the same personality factors that lead you into that career also influence your interest in DD?  For instance, if you are inclined to submit to your wife's authority, are you similarly submissive to authority at work?  Or, is the inverse true and you feel attracted to DD as a way of giving up the control you exercise on the job?  For our Disciplinary Wives, do you see any connection between your job and career choices and how readily you took to DD or how you approach being a disciplinarian at home?  I hope that some of our commenters who have more experience with a wide range of people in DD relationships, like Tomy and al, can tell us if they have noted any patterns regarding certain professions and careers that seem over-represented among DD participants on either end of the paddle?

 

I know that talking about jobs and professions may be sensitive for some, given that many do not want to reveal too much about themselves.  If there are sensitivities on that score (and there are for me), I would suggest posting your comment anonymously and not signing the name or pseudonym you usually use when participating in this blog.  

 

For spankers, teachers and principals are almost too easy (as evidenced in part by the sheer volume of spanking art representing school spankings).  I also wonder whether, even if the stereotype may once have had some basis in reality, does it today when corporal punishment in schools is not longer prevalent?  I could see how it might still have some validity, given that as Liz has pointed out husbands sometimes act like overgrown boys who need boundaries, and teachers have daily experience keeping such boys under control.  However, might having to exercise control like that in their day job make them averse to having to take on similar responsibilities at home?

 

I am in one of those professions that was over-represented in my 2014 poll.  This did not occur to me when I wrote that post back in 2014, but while I had been in my profession for several years when I discovered DD, it was at about that time that I had taken a big jump into real executive-level responsibility.  I’ve never been able to account for why I was so attracted to DD even though I did not have the pre-existing spanking interest that so many of our male commenters had, but it could be that for me it required a confluence of two elements, i.e. exposure and timing.  Until I discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club, I’d never really encountered the concept of adult disciplinary spanking.  Coincidentally, it was around that same time that I took on far more responsibility and stress in my career.  It very well may be that had I learned about DD earlier, when my career was less stressful and I felt less overwhelmed with responsibility, it would not have had as much appeal.  

 

So, give us the benefit of your observations and experiences with the role of our career and job choices play in  Domestic Discipline. And, have a fun, relaxing, and safe weekend. 

Sunday, August 30, 2020

The Club - Meeting 353 - From Obligation to Enjoying Her Power

“There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.” -  Mae West

 

Hello all.  Welcome bac to the Disciplined Husbands Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline Relationships. I hope you had a good week.

 

Mine felt like – just another week in 2020.  Hurricanes.  Police killings leading to protests. Teenagers with AR-15s gunning down protesters. Quarantines and locking yourself up in your own home seem like pretty good ideas right now. I guess social distancing at least has led to some new and interesting fashion trends.

 

  

That was a good discussion last week.  Consent is, I think, one of the most difficult and nuanced issues that comes up in this group, and it always stimulates some interesting viewpoints.  While there were some great comments, I didn’t see a lot of hooks for a new topic this week.  So, I’ll set consent aside for now and, instead, go back to a comment from a few weeks ago.  In describing her own transition from an admittedly 1950s style wife to a swinger of a disciplinary paddle, Liz observed:

 

I do think I slipped into my disciplinarian role quite easily, but I assumed that was because spanking was so prevalent in my family that it was not considered a big deal. So it is interesting to hear that other women without my background also have been able to adopt the role easily. Maybe it is not that hard to act parental towards men who act childish!

 

A few years back, we had another regular female commenter, Marisa, who like Liz came to DD in an attempt to fix a problematic marriage.  But, unlike Liz, Marisa attributed her ability to adopt DD so readily in part to her naturally dominant personality.  As she put it: 

 

We found our way to DD through a crisis in our marriage, the next step would have been marriage counseling if we had not tried discipline. I am aggressive and take charge and that personality trait can't be taught.

 

In my own DD journey, Anne took to giving disciplinary spankings pretty easily, though unlike Liz she thought the whole thing was kind of weird.  At first, she probably was doing little more than accommodating my request that she give it a try. Over time, I think she came to see it as an outlet; a tool she could use to show to get a sense of “payback” or resolution when I got out of line. Today, she says she actually enjoys making me strip down and bend over the ottoman.  She has told me that it is really that pre-spanking exercise of power that she enjoys, but I think over time she has come to actually enjoy actually blistering my ass.  She actually seems disappointed these days when I’m not marked or bruised the next day.

 

 

How about for the rest of our Disciplinary Wives? How readily did you take to your role in the DD relationship?  Was it something you slid into pretty easily, as Liz did thanks to her pre-existing exposure to DD?  Or was it a slower or rockier transition?  Over the course of that journey, where have you ended up in terms of your approach to DD and how it makes you feel?

 

Is it basically just another chore or duty?

 

 

Or, is it something you’ve come to actually enjoy doing?  To the extent you do enjoy it, what is it that you like about it?   

 

 

Do you have any hints for how your fellow Disciplinary Wives who may have mixed feelings about it can come to actively enjoy the role, particularly given all the negative soclialization that women are subjected to where power and authority are concerned?

 

Have a great week.

Sunday, August 23, 2020

The Club -- Meeting 352 - Consent, Non-Consent & Consensual Non-Consent

“The leader can never close the gap between himself and the group. If he does, he is no longer what he must be. He must walk a tightrope between the consent he must win and the control he must exert.” - Vince Lombardi

 

Hi all. Welcome to the Disciplined Husbands Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline Relationships. I hope you had a good week.

 

It was kind of an interesting week where DD was concerned, even though no spanking happened.  The fact that one didn’t happen was both noteworthy and kind of expected given our track record where consistency is concerned.  What was noteworthy was that what got me into deserving a spanking was also kind of what got me out of it.  The short story in terms of what got me in trouble was I was surly with my wife.  Twice in one morning.  The slightly longer story is, I was feeling pretty lousy that morning, which has been a problem for a week or more.  I’m not sure what is going on.  I even wondered briefly whether I might have Covid, though I am now pretty sure I don’t.  Whether it was the flu or some other virus, I’m not sure.  I just felt extremely tired and achy, which made me surly.  There isn’t any real doubt that I did mouth off and it was very inappropriate and unwarranted.  She didn’t do anything at the time because she was leaving for work. But, when she got home that day, she told me I was going to get spanked.  There was some interruption that night, however.  I kept expecting it all week, but she kept having “mercy” on me for various reasons, including that I was watching the Democratic National Convention, and I’m a political junkie.  But, I think much of it came down to, she knew I was still feeling lousy, so she let me off the hook.  As usual, I have mixed feelings about that.  This was one of the few times in recent history that she ordered a spanking specifically because of me showing a lack of respect, which is something we keep saying she should do more often.  But, as is too often the case, I managed to delay, finally delaying so long that I wonder now how much immediate connection I would feel to the underlying offense were she to spank me for it now. I guess it’s just another one of those situations I have to write off to reality interfering with our best laid plans.

 

What a great discussion last week!  It meandered quite a bit, but that was what made it interesting and engaging.  Somehow in one week we touched on maintenance spanking, preventative spankings, consent, psychological control and dominance overcoming non-consent, empty nesting, post-orgasm spankings, and family histories of spanking and discipline.  There were a couple of months of topics flying around in one week!  I do plan to hit on several of these in the near future, but for this week I tried to narrow it down to one. I’m a little concerned we might have exhausted it last week, but hopefully others will weigh in and maybe those who talked last week will have things to add.

 

I narrowed this week’s topic to consent: its necessity, its frustrations, its limitations, the fantasy of not having it, its boundaries, its limits, etc.  In a nutshell, my question is, what role does consent play in your DD relationship, what are its limits, and is it desirable or, perhaps, something you wish wasn’t as inevitable as it kind of is?   

 

 

 

This topic suggests a pretty big range of subtopics:

 

·      Was your DD relationship "imposed" on you in some way?  For example, did your wife finally get fed up with your behavior and tell you that she was going to spank you? 

·      If there was no such express lack of consent, was there a situation like Liz and Art’s where spanking became kind of a quid pro quo for staying together after his behavior almost brought the relationship to and end?

·      Even though you (the husband) probably consented to the DD relationship as a whole, have you had spankings that you consented to only under some kind of coercion or threat (ending the relationship, perhaps) employed to get you to comply?

·      If you wanted to withdraw consent now, would she let you?  Ladies, if he said he’d like to drop the DD aspect of your relationship, i.e. withdraw his consent, what would your reaction be?

·      Even though you may as a practical matter always have the ability to withdraw consent and resist, has her authority or dominance become such that as a practical matter you won’t or even feel like you can’t?

·      For the men, do you actually like that DD is consensual, or do you kind of want something like parental discipline where there really isn’t a choice? In other words, is part of the attraction to DD or FLR that that there is an involuntary element to it?  Does part of you need that element of "non-consent" in order for it to feel like you really are being controlled or dominated?

·      For the women, do you have any views or feelings about the role consent does or does not play?  Does it make you feel more powerful the more you feel like discipline is something you are imposing whether he likes it or not? Or, conversely, is it important to you that you feel he is consenting on an ongoing basis?

 



These and other aspects of the consent issue were raised by several of last week’s comments, including:

 

Al:  Regardless of how much we want to the spankings to be "real punishment" - in which the husband has to accept whenever the wife decides, with no questions asked - ultimately, there is always consent involved at some level. In that regard, it is never truly like a parent spanking a child - where the child has no say about it all - it is never truly involuntarily punishment. Even though the husband may not have to "consent" to any given spanking, he has given a blanket consent by agreeing to enter the DWC contract. And, really, he can walk away or refuse to be spanked at any time. So whether the spanking is for a specific punishment, preventative, or maintenance there is always underlying consent.

 

That said, many disciplined husbands (myself included), reach a point where they are psychologically almost incapable of refusing a spanking once their wife has decided that they have one coming. It is an acceptance of her disciplinary prerogative that, to me, is far more of a submission than any involuntary discipline. Even though I recognize that I have a desire to be a spanked husband, I also know when my wife tells me to assume the position (for punishment, maintenance, preventative) - that the spanking is going to be genuinely painful - that she will set my ass on fire with that damn bathbrush (or whatever implement she chooses). Crossing her lap anyway and accepting that pain is the real submission (hot and sexy thought before and after the spanking, not so much during the spanking).

 

Alan: This is something I sometimes ponder in the context of blanket consensual spanking ( a concept that captures the real dynamic of consent) Some while ago with a former girlfriend, we were having a conversation about what would happen if I rebelled or just refused to take a spanking. Her answer was that she was in complete control "when we were together" (meaning in physical proximity versus over the phone) and she was very confident that I couldn't and wouldn't disobey her about a spanking. Another time she told me that I had given her disciplinary authority and I couldn't "take it away" There were the first times I realized I really could not stop or resist for long a spanking she had decided upon. In addition to consenting to her spanking I had taught her how to push all my "spanko buttons" and she had learned well. She never relay abused her authority and my wife never has but it is sobering sometimes to realize the bridges I burned behind me when I consented. It is not a power lightly given or easily withdrawn. I don't consider that a negative of any kind and in fact it makes DD much more authentic. But in the early days I got through some pretty severe spankings telling myself I could stop it if I wanted. That was an illusion and it would be now too if I deluded myself about it. It's not that physically I couldn't stop it but psychologically probably not.

 

ZM: And on the consent issue, yes I physically could stop any punishment in theory, but submission feeds continued submission, so even though I have the strength and the right to stop things, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Plus since we don’t have per-punishment consent, but rather only blanket consent, while I could withdraw consent at any time, it would be the blanket consent I would be withdrawing, which might well lead to a life of frustration without the imposed discipline I so want and need.  So in the end, I may consent to it, but I am easily controlled by my own desires and would not and could not withdraw that consent.

 

You can definitely count me among those who recognizes that I consented to, and continue to consent to, our DD relationship. I am, in fact, all too aware of it.  I am one of those whose attraction to DD really hinges on it being as close to involuntary as is practically possible and that is attracted to the maternal aspects of DD, and to stories and art involving school spankings, precisely because those were not voluntary. That non-consensual aspect was definitely part of what both fascinated and terrified me about DD, and that has not changed that much even today.

 

So, tell us all about what roleconsent or "consensual non-consent" play in your DD relationship. 

 

Also, I want to thank Art, Al and others who commented on the value of this blog brings when it’s at its best. It’s gratifying to read such comments, and while I don’t over-estimate the importance of this thing we do in the overall scheme or our lives and marriages, I do hop the blog plays some concrete positive role for a few of you.

 

I hope you have a great week.