Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 163 - Rehabilitation v. Punishment?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. - Marianne Williamson

 Hello all  Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating, or interested in participating, in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week. Mine was a little stressful, because of some interactions on the job front.  It brought to mind Marisa's observation from last week: "That "humbling function" allows you to let go of that ego, accept authority and become the (mostly) wonderful, charming and loving men you really are It frees you to be yourself and that is what we are after."  On the surface, it may seem a little inconsistent with the quote above, which is all about not dumbing yourself down just so others will feel more comfortable.  But, as Marisa's point emphasizes, it is hard to let the "real" you come through when your ego keeps getting in the way.  It used to bother me a little that there might be some inconsistency between disciplining someone for bad behavior, and the acceptance and peacefulness I was exploring through things like meditation and mindfulness.  I then remembered that Zen masters often "help" trainees meditate -- by hitting them with a stick!

Last week's discussion was great.  One of the best we've had in a while in terms of sheer entertainment.  It reinforced to me that compared to some of you, my DD relationship is downright boring.  When I first posted that topic, I thought it might not get much response because few people might have experienced being taken out of an event and punished.  But, it seems to be more common than I thought, and I am incredibly happy that we suddenly have so many strong and assertive women participating in this Forum and taking those kind of assertive actions to keep their men in line.
From time to time, we get a question about whether DD "works," and it is usually clear from the context that the reader is defining "works" in terms of does it eliminate the behavior that led to the discipline session.  There seems to be an unstated assumption that eliminating the behavior is THE goal of domestic discipline.  But, is it?  Why make that assumption?  There is a long-standing, and probably unresolvable,  debate in the criminal justice community about whether the goal of our justice system is rehabilitation, deterrence, punishment, or maybe all at the same time.  So, why assume that the entire goal of DD is deterring future bad behavior? Might another legitimate goal just be punishing the past act?  Allowing the wife to express her disapproval in a way that really makes an unmistakable point? And, from the other side of the paddle, how about wanting some penance and consequences.? There is this assumption that wanting to be spanked is inconsistent with "real" discipline, but isn't that true only if you don't allow that the recipient may have an unmet need for consequences and enforced boundaries?  Inviting consequences is not the same as being very sorry when you actually get them.

In terms of whether it really is deterrence that motivates us, I got curious about the extent to which the deterrence idea was prevalent in the stories on the Disciplinary Wives Club website, given how many of us have been influenced by it.  It's hard to say that those stories really reflect any premise that Domestic Discipline serves any one particular goal.  Many of the men are spanked for repetitive bad behavior, so while there is a theme of escalating the punishment to reduce the behavior, there doesn't seem to be a notion that all bad behavior will go away by virtue of being in a Domestic Discipline relationship, or even that it actually will be reduced.  It was also interesting to note the extent to which, while we have talked a lot about the importance of consent, in many of the stories it is either the wife who imposes the disciplinary relationship, or the man may ask for it but she quickly gives him "more than he bargained for."  So, while in theory we may say that deterrence is the goal, our motivation, as reflected in the actual content of stories that inspired many of us to pursue this lifestyle, seems a lot more complicated and often seems to involve being involuntarily subjected to a real consequence for bad behavior, regardless of whether it succeeds in deterring us in the future.

That was a very long-winded way of introducing the topic of, in your relationship is DD mainly about reducing certain behaviors?  Exclusively?  Primarily?  Or, is it as Marisa says, also about humbling and personal growth?  Is it also about penance?  Boundaries and consequences?  And, from the other side of the paddle, is it only about correcting behavior, or also about being able to express dissatisfaction?  Or about growing your own sense of power and authority?

By the way, there is a great discussion on whether "wanting" punishment is inconsistent with actually being punished, from the M/f side of DD, on the Taming of the Shrew blog:

Have a great week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us a bit about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 162 -- Taken Aside

 Some women fear the fire.  Some simply become it.  -- r.h. Sin.

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are participating, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships. I hope you had a good week.

Last week's topic, focusing on "empty nesters," didn't seem to generate much interest.  Maybe there aren't as many of them out there as I thought, despite the fact that may of our readers report being in the post-50 year-old demographic.  Maybe there are just fewer empty nesters than I supposed given the age demographics, because while there are lots of more senior readers, those darn Millennials just won't leave??

A few weeks ago we talked about whether immediacy is a goal in discipline, i.e. is it important to correct a problem on the spot.  Extending that topic a bit, have you ever been taken out of an event, such as a party or other function, and at some point during the festivities been taken aside for a well-deserved spanking?  Perhaps escorted into a convenient dressing room or store bathroom for a quick correction on a shopping trip?  

Or, maybe taken to a private room during a party so some boorish behavior could be dealt with?

Or perhaps forced to leave the event for a quick trip back home to take care of business?

If something like this has happened to you or if you've imposed it on your partner, please tell us all about it.  If not, what would your likely reaction be if it happened?

I have not myself experienced anything quite like that.  The closest we have come is she once made me leave work and come home for a spanking then sent me back to work to sit all day on a very sore bottom.

I hope you have a great week.  As always, if you are new to our Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us something about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 161 - The Empty Nest

Hello all. Welcome back to this week's edition of The Forum -- Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of people who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I hope you all had a great week and are enjoying your weekend.  Thanks for joining.

It's summer time.  For those with school age kids, finding "alone time" for domestic discipline and other adult activities may have become even more challenging.

But, what about those whose child rearing days have come and gone?  According to the last demographic poll we did, a large majority of our readers are over 50, though with the rise of the Millennial "failure to launch" generation, I realize it certainly is not a given that even "adult" kids will actually get out from of the house and on to bigger and better things. But, some of you out there have gone through the long-anticipated arrival of "empty nest."  For moms and dads into domestic discipline, perhaps for the first time in years there is real privacy and real flexibility regarding the time and place for DD activities.  For those who have had or wanted the wife to take over as a 24/7 Head of Household, perhaps concerns about the kids observing that more explicit command structure have suddenly been removed.

So, this is a question for the older domestic discipline practitioners among us.  What impact did the children leaving your home have on your DD relationship?  Did spankings become more frequent?  Did a previously timid spouse suddenly step fully into the role of HoH or disciplinarian?  Tell us all about the changes.

As always, for those of you who are new to this Forum, please take a moment to leave some comments in the Guestbook (tab above). 

Finally, I am going to be stuck in some concentrated work activity next week and may be slower than usual to approve incoming comments.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 160 - Let's Talk About Sex (Again)

 Everything in the world is about sex, except sex.  Sex is about power. -- Oscar Wilde

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum -- Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and woman who are participating or interested in being in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

First, thanks to all of you for continuing to visit with us every week.  While I was in a bit of a snit last week about some of the downsides, our one millionth page visit is still a milestone worth noting.  So, while notoriety is not without its problems, I do thank each of you who make this blog part of your weekly routine, particularly those who pipe up with comments or who take time to tell us a little about yourself in the Guestbook.  Thanks for your time and for helping encourage people who are new to, and maybe a little skittish about, this idea of adult discipline and F/m relationships.

A couple of our contributors have recently suggested sex-oriented topics, though with kind of opposing themes.  Anna suggested talking about the role of sex in Domestic Discipline, while Alan suggested forced chastity and orgasm control/denial.  While I am probably screwing myself out of future topic material by combining them, let's make this week a bit of a free-for-all where the topic of DD and FLR and sex is concerned, under the broad heading of "What role does sex play in your DD or FLR relationship, and vice versa?"

In other words, let's look at it from both angles: (i) What role do sexual related issues and themes play in how you approach your DD and FLR relationships; and (i) what impact do those lifestyles have on your sex life?  Some issues to ponder:

--  To what extent is domestic discipline something that overlays a more fundamental spanking fetish?
--  Are sexualized practices, rituals, dress, etc. part of your discipline sessions?
--  Does sex often accompany a discipline session whether after:

Or perhaps before?

-- Do your DD or FLR "rules" include sexual-related prohibitions or practices, like forbidding masturbation or imposing some form of forced chastity?
--  Does practicing the DD or FLR lifestyle help energize your sex life?  Does it have any negative impact (other than the obvious impact on our upturned bottoms)?
-- For the women especially, does taking on a more powerful role in the marriage, including something like a real Head of Household position, make you feel more sexually powerful or turned on?

For myself, I don't deny that there is a mix of sexual and non-sexual elements that underlie our DD relationship.  If I have to pick one as more fundamental than the other (the disciplinary aspects versus the sexual component) though, just looking at the sequence of events that led us to DD, it seems like the interest in being disciplined preceded, and caused, the sexual reaction.  For others, probably a big majority, it seems to work the other way: the spanking fetish or interest precedes the discovery of domestic discipline.  People also seem to be all over the map on the extent to which sex is part of the actual discipline event.  Regarding whether it has improved our sex life, I think it has improved her sense of self-confidence, which to me is always sexy.  Overall, in terms of the extent to which sex is the motivator or underlying force charging our domestic discipline and FLR relationship, I noticed as I was looking for appropriate artwork for today's post, that I often gravitate to drawings that are the least sexualized and that, instead, involve a strong and confident woman just "taking care of business."

Or, "getting the job done."
That may, or may not, be an indicator of the relative balance of sex and discipline as fundamental to my interest in this lifesytle.

I hope you all have great week.  As always, if you are new to the Forum, please drop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little bit about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or experiences.