Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 130 - Polls & Tools

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of folks participating or interested in Female Led Relationships.  Thank you all for making this a part of your week.

I decided to combine a couple of topics this week, as I'm not sure either can support a conversation on its own.  First, a few weeks ago I polled everyone regarding to whom, if anyone, they have revealed their DD or FLR relationship.  We've talked before about whether couples have chosen to "out" themselves, but I had not tried until these polls to quantify it in any way or to figure out if there are any discernible patterns in who disclosed or to whom.  Here are the results, from a little over 100 respondents for each poll:

Question 1: Other than you partner, how many other people know about your DD/FLR relationship?

No one knows
  58 (53%)
1 -2 others
  28 (25%)
3-5 others
  6   (5%)
More than 5
  16 (14%)

Question 2: Other than you partner, who knows about your DD/FLR relationship?

No one
                                                   56  (53%)
Member(s) of her family
                                                   20  (19%)
Member(s) of his family
                                                    6   (5%)
Friend(s) of his
                                                  15   (14%)
Friend(s) of hers
                                                  34   (32%)
Co-worker(s) of his
                                                    3   (2%)
Co-worker(s) of hers
                                                    7   (6%)
One or more of our kids
                                                    4   (3%)
One or more of our parents
                                                  15   (14%)

The only clear pattern I see is that, as we have seen in previous discussions, people guard their DD and FLR relationships pretty closely.  Slightly more than half let no one at all in on the secret, and the next highest category was only one or two others. Though I suppose instead of saying that half of our readers keep things secret, that same statistic could be spun as almost half have told at least one other person, indicating that while people may not be taking out a billboard ad proclaiming their relationship, they are not so scared of people finding out that they have kept it completely to themselves.

Those who have chosen to let others in on it seem to favor telling friends slightly more than family and much more than co-workers, though the poll allowed people to choose more than one category.  One difference that does seem large enough to have some reality is that friends of hers seem to be in on the secret at almost double the rate of his friends.  I don't find that at all surprising, but I would be interested if others have thoughts on why.  Same with family members -- hers are let in on the secret at more than double the rate of his.  That one surprises me a little bit more, and I would be interested in hearing anything about the dynamic underlying that sharing, i.e. is it sisters talking to each other, a mother advising her daughter to pick up the paddle, etc.? I guess I really should not be surprised by any of this, since it really seems to reduce to women share and communicate more than men -- not exactly an earth shattering revelation.

The other topic for this week is spanking tools and implements, specifically whether you have a recommended source.  This one extends from a conversation I had with another blogger about where to buy a really good, unique and high quality paddle.  We have a variety of paddles and other instruments, but we don't have anything that I would see as a work of real craftsmanship.  I know that newcomers to this lifestyle often literally don't know where to start, i.e. where to buy instruments suitable for real punishment, given that the local "novelty" shops generally restrict their inventory to cheap leather crap that's suited only for mild "funishment" scenes.  I've tried not to turn this blog into a product endorsement site, so I don't have links to spanking suppliers, but we all should try to be a resource to each other.  So, do you have a supplier of paddles, straps, whips, etc. that you have found to be trustworthy and to have good products?

I hope you all have a good week.


  1. We have used for our paddles.

  2. To the why tell her family or friends instead of mine. For us it is part of the humiliation of being punished. It is deeply embarrassing for me to be disciplined in front of or by her friends.

  3. We like The London Tanners and Adam and Gillians punishment paddles.

    1. Devon, is London Tanners still in business? They used to have really good leather instruments, but I thought they shut down?

    2. The website still comes up for me, but we haven't ordered anything in years.

  4. What your did not include in your poll was if those that knew found out by accident.
    My mother-in-law walked into the house when I was being spanked.

    1. True, the poll was really focused on numbers who know, not how they learned about it. Your example is a good reminder it may not always be voluntary.

  5. I went through a divorce with the first wife and she was very free telling my friends and grown kids about how I requested her to spank me. She was also planning on bring it up at the divorce court hearing, but didn't, even brought a paddle to hearing. Once it was out you find out who your real friends are. Happy Easter

    1. Wow. All I can say is . . . good fucking riddance.

    2. My Ex brought the spanking thing up at the divorce hearing. She never was into it or did it but found something by illegally accessing my mailbox. The judge simply shrugged and ignored it completely.

  6. I'm not very surprised people like Wife's sister or friends ranked high on "who knew." I think it's easier for a Wife to share...She can choose the one or few people She feels comfortable with, and probably wants to be able to talk eventually (and perhaps excitedly) to someone. Over a number of years, it could well happen, though with very few people. My Wife eventually mentioned it to Her sister.

    As for paddles, we have had luck with (paddles by Walt)


    1. Hi Bob. Thanks for the recommendation and observation.

  7. As for her weapons as she calls them a riding crop from farm and tractor supply so it's no joke . And paddles I had to make to her dimensions all from oak the worst is the 14 in with holes in it. As far as people that know her one girlfriend knows. But I hope that's it. I don't tell anyone.

  8. Hi Dan,
    On the paddles/instruments topic I will wait to be enlightened. We did buy some tools from the DWC when it was up, the one most used is an awesome hairbrush style paddle that can tear your bottom up. Fortunately my wife doesn't use it often finding it "thuddy" Her go to tool is a Walmart Bath brush similar to the famous Vermont brush. If I were to bet I would bet more serious spankings have been delivered to male bottoms with some sort of bath brush than any other instrument. On the poll, I am not surprised that those told about the DD relationship are more often her friends or family. I think family is often a trusted sister or possibly a mother particularly one who supports male discipline.A woman who doesn't have a trusted sister will confide in a close friend and that may be the most typical.We are a long way from a world in which a couple can come out as espousing DD ( either F/M or M/F) But at the same time couples in the life style do seem to want to confide in an intimate friend or family member.

    1. Hi Alan. I totally agree on the bath brush. It is so much worse than a hair brush, they just aren't even in the same category. I have seen that DWC paddle, and it does indeed look wicked.

    2. Hi Folks, Good to see that the forum is staying active! Between some intense work projects and family events, I've had to minimize my online forums time (here and with other more public interest). But thought I would stop in for a moment.

      As noted before, Alan and I seem to have come along a similar path in some respects - and with some similarities here also. My wife and I did purchase three of the paddles from the DWC including the popular "Old Reliable" which looks like a hair brush without bristles. It is quite wicked and my wife's favorite of the three DWC paddles. We have not purchased paddles elsewhere. We did, however, purchase the legendary Vermont brush - now no longer carried by the Vermont Country Store. It is a very wicked implement - and I have received more paddlings with that brush than any other implement. We also own a few other bath brushes (an inexpensive and very effective implement from Walmart, Target, etc - great way to start out especially if you are on a budget!) as well as several hair brushes. My wife keeps a hair brush in each of our cars as well as at the office - as they are less obvious.

      As I've posted before, my wife's sister knows of our arrangement. After a couple of years of strong suspicion based on overheard remarks and innuendo (which she quickly noticed as she has a bit of an interest in spanking as well), she overheard my wife paddling me. She had come in the house unannounced - and soon confessed to my wife that she had overheard. She soon knew the whole story and now has spanked me herself a few times - with my wife's approval. Although my wife did not want even her sister to know as she is quite private, once the secret was discovered, she really found it a relief to be able to talk to her sister about it. Women, in general, so seem to value having someone to talk things over with more than men do. But - as was pointed out elsewhere in this thread - it does seem it would be easier to come out as the spanker rather than the spankee. --al

    3. Al- yes, good to see you. Agree, way easier for spanker to bring up to a friend. And ok, i've just got to ask, did anything ever happen with your Wife and her budding interest with the widow neighbor you guys have? Been reading back through old weeks... Bob

  9. I have looked with interest on some website for paddles etc. But the reality is that our implements have come from more pedestrian shops. a local Sur La Table store was the source of the very hard wooden paddle. a local hardware store was the source of a wooden spoon. The only online purchase I have made was Amazon for a small riding crop. I like looking in all kinds of stores for likely implements

    1. Thanks, Baxter. That is a good point -- spanking oriented sellers are not the only good sources.

  10. Dan, for implements I might suggest A number of artist sites on Etsy make implements (search BDSM paddles as an example). We bought a paddle from artist "SPORKwood" on the site. It's a traditional hairbrush paddle made of zebra wood ($29.99). He makes a number of other items that would be of interest to readers here. Shipping was very quick and the quality of the item quite nice. The paddle packs a wallop!


    1. That's a great suggestion, Bob. I will check it out. I do like that buying on Etsy may mean you are supporting smaller scale artisans.

  11. Dan

    As usual an interesting topic. When I first began disciplining Peter, I used
    a hairbrush. I still use it often. It is a Kent 7 inch man’s hairbrush with a handle.
    It is made of Walnut and has very firm bristles. We also use a man’s 1 1/2 inch
    wide black leather man;s belt, with a Harley Davidson buckle. The first time
    I used it on Peter was when he drove his Harley off the road and was knocked
    out. He was arrested for drunk driving and when he came home the next
    morning I was both angry and so relieved, I used the belt on him. Since, I have
    also used it often. Last year I purchased an 18 inch rattan cane, with a handle.
    It has become my favorite to use and one that Peter is less than fond of seeing
    laid out before a session. These three items cant cause a problem if one of the
    boys stumbles upon them in our room.
    I have one close friend who lives in London who is aware that I discipline Peter.
    I think Peter will relate his being discovered by his oldest friend.
    Till next time


  12. Dan, I can't help on the implements front because we never buy any. She still uses the senior rattan I bought from a shop on the outskirts of Birmingham, years ago.

    It looks like we buck the trend with who knows. I've confided with a female work colleague who I've known for years and is my confidante. It helps having a woman outside the FLR relationship to talk things through and Jane is OK with even though they've not met.

    No one in my family knows but her Mom did and I assume her father too but he never once let on. Her sister and best friend from university and their husbands know but do not follow it themselves. I'd not be surprised if the odd girlfriend or two know but I've not asked.

    A couple we've been friends with for years have known for a long time and he's keen on giving it a try but his wife is dead against it.

    Why more of her side know than mine is probably down to her having more family and friends than me. I don't mind, in fact quite like, women who are sensible about it knowing and they are with her sister quite complimentary.


    1. Hi Dave. Yes, it seems you are bucking the trend where sharing is concerned.

  13. I think the statistics could just as easily be about trust, open-mindedness, and commonality. You can have a supportive family but these aren't 'chosen' people......they are what you were born with. Work associates are might be friends with them, or not. So naturally friends would be the most probable choice. Presumably they are friends because of how trustworthy they are.

    As for women sharing more? Many possible reasons for that as well: women do communicate more than men, but in our cases, the women are also the ones in a less embarrassing role. (It's a heckuva lot easier to come out as the spanker than the spanked.)

  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. I totally agree on it being easier to come out as the spanker, at least if you are a woman. Men really get it from both ends on this issue. If they are the spanker, it is more likely to be seen as abusive. If they are the spankee, then they are "unmanly" etc.

    2. Certainly true, Dan. And if the woman is the spankee, she is considered an abused victim. But if the woman is the spanker... Any connotation there? Perhaps some might think leather clad dominatrix... But, all in all, maybe this is the least negative connotation for the woman? Yet, F/M spanking is decidedly still in the closet - perhaps more so because of the negative connotation for the male ("unmanly" - although Susan sees it differently. She honestly has come to believe that men need maternal style corporal discipline and it demonstrates strong masculine character for the male to "take it like a man" - even if he is sobbing while he is doing so. But she does understand that most folks - men and women - don't see it that way). --al

  15. London Tanners is still in business. Expensive , but excellent quality. Check out the DD strap - we have one like it we bought about five years ago and it definitely gets your attention and then some. We also bought the Big Bertha from spank,inc. Ours is cherry wood, close to 1/2 inch thick and has been conditioned not to break. It is very painful. You pay a little more for this stuff, but the quality is worth it. A cheaper source is Caniac.

    We keep our relationship totally private!!!


  16. Both N. and (later) J. usually prefer/preferred to use readily available "tools", such as a hairbrush, a wooden spoon or spatula, a leather belt (mine!), etc.
    N. retrieved a rattan cane from her grandmother's house (and J. "inherited" it). N. also bought a martinet (which I paid for) while on a trip to France - and J. also got her own during another trip.
    On flea markets, N. found a (thick!) washerwoman's paddle, while J. acquired a riding crop (both seldom used, fortunately!)
    And both N. and J. also favor(ed) freshly cut switches -whether by their own hand when we are out in the woods, or supplied - on demand! - by me, and pickled in water and vinegar, for use at home.


    1. ... and then there were the (few) times when I used the sole of my leather sandal on your exposed derrière (in that blind alley in Spain, in a castle vault in France, and in that small hotel in Tuscany) Did you forget?


    2. Hi. J and L. Thanks to you both for your comments!

    3. Way to go, J.! lol... Bob

  17. We have children at home, so we use items that do not draw attention.

    First is a slipper with a leather sole. It is rarely used because for some reason it doesn't really hurt, but it leaves bruises. Kind of inverse to what we want.

    Second is a hair brush, but it seems to just numb my bottom; which kind of defeats its purpose.

    The next item is her primary instrument: a stainless steel geriatric shoe horn. It is 18" long, 1 1/8" wide and beveled. We bought it at a yard sale. Because of its length, my wife can cause a lot of pain with little effort and since it is beveled, pain begins long before bruising begins.

    Lastly, is a 20" fiberglass rod that is 1/4" in diameter. I have no idea what its original purpose was, nor do I know where it came from. I "found" the rod in the garage when cleaning and suggested it to my wife. That puppy is wicked, because it only requires little effort to tear me up. The first time my wife used it, I almost screamed at the first strike. Since the effort to pain quotient is so low, my wife didn't realize the damage she was doing until she crossed stripes and split my skin; which immediately started bleeding- way out of portion to the actual damage. It is rarely used and almost always as finishing strikes.


    Please note that my wife doesn't want to spend a lot of time disciplining me. So if a tool requires more than five minutes to get the desired effect, she doesn't like using it.

    1. Well, I'm certain the shoe horn and the rod can cause a a lot of pain, but my wife doesn't hit very hard. Please remember, my wife only does this for me. She gets no personal satisfaction from spanking me. She ensures that I am bruised, but not much more. So if I start bruising in one area, then she moves to another area. Since she is the only one that has spanked me since I was a child, I have nothing to compare it to.


  18. As to who knows about family and only other DWC friends.

  19. Dan

    Aside from Anna’s friend who lives in London, until a few months ago
    no one was aware that she disciplined me. My very best buddyTony,
    who I have known since high school and who I have shared everything
    in my life, but this one big secret. Anna disciplines me. One sunday
    morning Tony and I met to workout together at the gym. After our
    workout I stripped down and headed for the showers, never thinking
    that my bottom might still have bruises from a session with Anna I had
    the past friday night.
    Long story short, Tony noticed. He didnt say anything and as he drove
    me home it was very silent in the car. As I went to get out he grabbed
    my shoulder and softly said “ Listen buddy, yes I saw and its your
    business. Just know I wont tell anyone not even my wife. All I want to
    say is if ever you need to talk, know that I am cool about anything you
    want to say. “
    Aside from his occasional ribbing he has kept his word. Its why I treasure
    him as my friend.

    Anna’s Peter

    1. That's really, really great Peter. Definitely a friend to keep!

    2. Yes, what a great friend, Peter.
      i know there were a few times i quickly pulled up pants or disrobed at the gym!

  20. As I was reflecting on the numbers in this most recent poll - I found it interesting that in almost half the cases, someone knows of the couple's disciplinary arrangement. This is probably higher than I would have guessed, given the public stigma toward F/M spanking - whereas M/F spanking, the "Taken in Hand" movement, seems to have a bit less stigma in general (although as Dan pointed out there is another segment that would view this as abuse by the husband.)

    That the number is as high as it is may be related to the commonly held belief (Mars-Venus) that women tend to have an inclination to talk more openly with a confidant than men do. The numbers in the survey lean that way - as it more often a member of her family or her friend that knows.

    I also found it interesting that in a few cases a child knew - my guess would be that this might be because they overhead remarks or an actual spanking. Before our kids moved out, keeping them from discovering our arrangement was always a priority - and still is when they visit.

    It did occur to me that given that in almost half of the cases in the survey someone knew of the arrangement, that it might be interesting to know how the individual came to know. Was it an accidental discovery (as in our case), or a wife confiding - or a husband confiding. Since in a good number of our cases, someone knows, it might make for a good discussion topic at some point. --al

  21. IKEA has plenty of items that can be used as spanking pervertables, especially in their kitchenware area.

  22. This is my first post here. The wife and I are new to the DD lifestyle. It's something I've led her to.

    I had seen a few professionals in my time and new I could take a really hard spanking so when we started at home I bought a few harsher implements from cane-i-ac. I will say the Curse of Diana rubber paddle and strap combo is wicked as hell. It's definitely become her favorite.

    Anonymous in Houston for now


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