Sunday, December 24, 2023

Merry Christmas 2023


I've said that I'm usually very into Christmas but this year I've had a hard time getting into it.  But, our family began getting together last night, and this morning I woke up to gently falling snow.  It's putting me in the mood.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and a happy new year.

See you all in 2024.

Friday, December 15, 2023

The Club - Meeting 459 - Moving Goalposts, Severity, and Getting What You Really Don't Want

“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” - Salvador Dali


Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.


Once again, before we get started, I would like to extend a specific invitation to any of our female readers, if they still exist, to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. While I’ve always said the blog is open to both men and women, one of our commenters suggested I expressly invite our female readers to join the discussion.  Please consider the invitation enthusiastically extended. 


I hope you all had a good week and are making it through, and maybe even enjoying, all that holiday socializing and shopping.  For me, it was a week in which I felt a little of my mojo return, mojo being in this case a euphemism for both erotic energy and interest in all things Domestic Discipline.  Not that we engaged in any actual disciplinary or FLR-related activities, but at least it was on my mind again.


Some of it probably is just part of the recovery process post-illness. But, it’s also not lost on me that my interest level in DD jumped by virtue of writing about it.  It’s a good reason to try to exercise some discipline around posting regularly, even when I really don’t feel like it.


One area where my interest level is still at a surprisingly low ebb is the whole Christmas season. This is usually my favorite time of year, hands down.  This year, for some reason I just don’t have a lot of enthusiasm.  I’ve talked to others who are feeling the same way. It’s not really about being down on the season but, rather, feeling the need for something . . . smaller.  Less hectic.  Less complicated.


Of course, I’m enough of an introvert that I must ask myself whether by smaller and less hectic, I really just mean I don’t want to be around people! Thankfully, now that we are both retired, there is so little on our holiday social calendar, it’s not like I really need a break from the party scene.  One bright spot, I guess, is that maybe there will be no need for preventative butt blisterings to keep me in line.



While my disciplinary mojo is, indeed, edging back up, I can’t say I’ve had any sudden flashes of inspiration for novel topics. So, instead, I thought we could riff a little more on some of last week’s comments.


Let’s kick it off with this from KOJ:


“Here's a paradox in the first years of our DD (until I was well-trained): the better I responded to my wife's spankings, the more spankings I got!

Why? Two reasons: One, she saw that they worked to improve my attitude and subdue my male ego, but I still had a long way to go in her eyes. And two, she saw that spankings worked so she kept adding issues covered by DD. First it was all about respecting her. Then she added treating the kids better. Then she added respecting others. Then she added punctuality. Then she added my drinking. Then she added picking up after myself. Then she added actual chores. Then she added procrastination. On and on -- a seeming receding horizon of new issues that guaranteed me an almost constant sore backside for a decade. And she was right about every single issue.”

For those of you who have been in this kind of relationship for a while, has it worked that way for you, too? When you think you’ve improved to the point that discipline might not be necessary at all, does she move the goalposts?  Or, is it the case that regardless of whether you improve in certain areas, new problematic behaviors tend to arise?


For us, it’s kind of a combination.  My proclivity for overdoing it when socializing hasn’t changed much over the years.  But, this year was the first in which she focused increasing attention on “respect for others,” in the context of that socializing.  Probably the second worst spanking, and definitely the worst lecture, of the year resulted from what she saw as overbearing behavior at a dinner with another couple.  She also spanked me for an argument we got into, but it wasn’t so much the argument itself but the fact that she felt I had let something irritate me for a long time and then exploded, which was unfair to her because had I been more open about the situation sooner, she could have dealt with it without all the drama.  

Those developments may have been somewhat similar to the process KOJ described.  But, then there were the repeated spankings and threats of spankings for leaving the garage door open and failing to lock the front door.  Those were new-ish instances of carelessness on my part, and not really her paying new attention to an existing problem.


Then, there was this series of exchanges between K., GH and me:


K: The first time she did it [gave a post-orgasm punishment spanking] the anticipation was exciting, but that was only because I had no real idea what I was in for. Any physical pleasure is over very quickly. She has me use her vibrator, which gets the job done in no time. I've usually lost most of any erection I had by the time my pants are down, but the vibrator still gets through. What follows is pure punishment, with no sexual edge at all. There's no sexual element to counter the pain or energize me through it. Usually she uses a rubber strap that hurts like hell even with a warm up (and I definitely get no warm up if I'm being punished). There is absolutely nothing you would confuse with fun or sexiness about the whole ordeal. After considerable time passes, I can look back on it and feel warm and grateful, because I LOVE being in a relationship where my wife has that authority and isn't afraid to use it. But her punishments are something I've learned to fear and avoid, not be aroused by. So they work.


Me:  I go back and forth on whether a true punishment can still be "too much." I do feel like there is an important mental element of accepting accountability. During a hard spanking, I will sometimes remind myself that I put myself in this position and could avoid such pain by behaving better in the future. But, I've found that with some instruments--those rubber straps in particular--the pain was so extreme that all such thoughts were driven from my brain as I simply tried to gut it out. On the other hand, one could argue that a very painful punishment has a purpose regardless of whether you "accept" it in the moment. In fact, maybe it reinforces that if she is really in charge she can and should punish whether you "accept" it or not. As I said, I go back and forth on it.


K: Basically, our disciplinary relationship is "she's my disciplinarian, even - maybe especially - if I'm not into it at the time."


That thread touches on areas that I’ve thought about quite a bit this year, as Anne has gotten stricter in some areas.  The incident that triggered those thoughts wasn’t directly about spanking.  Rather, it had to do with one of those hard lectures I referred to above.  That one, and another that came within a few weeks of it, caused me to feel resentful for quite some time.  I started to get past that only after I talked to Aunt Kay’s husband, and he said something to the effect of, “Well, a real, tough scolding is hard to take. It just is.” 


The more I thought about it, the more I started to understand at a deep level that the emotions I was feeling were a demonstration that we had hit one of those milestones in which the transfer of authority, the imposition of a distinct hierarchy with her at the top, became more real.  The scolding stung precisely because it was real and angry and took me down a peg or three.


K.’s discussion was about the severity of the spanking and not a scolding, but the principle is similar.  You know the authority and the discipline are real when they happen regardless of whether you are “into it at the time” or regardless of whether the severity is way more than you would choose if you had any control over it.  The fact that you don’t have any control over it is what makes it more real.


When I look back, I think many—probably too many—of my conversations with Anne have included feedback about whether something “worked for me” or not.  This year, I started thinking a lot more about the fact that it’s when it her approach is not working for me, when I am feeling the most emotionally upset or resistant, that it’s actually doing its best work.



That same point carries over to seemingly more pedestrian, less philosophical issues like the choice of implements and whether some are just “too” severe. I really do go back and forth on that, as noted in my exchange with K.  I do feel like really absorbing (no pun intended) the lesson she is trying to impart requires me to think about why the spanking is happening, how I got myself into this, how I could avoid a similar one in the future, etc.  With certain instruments, that whole mental process of accepting responsibility and really meaning to do better goes right out the window. The pain is just so sudden and so severe that I go into a “man up” attitude that is all about not surrendering and, instead, trying to get it out and get through it by any means necessary.


 But, then there are times where I wonder, are there certain punishments for things like repeated instances of the same behavior, where that kind of severe punishment is not only merited but might be the only approach that’s really merited.  A spanking like that may not really be so much about deterrence—though it could be just want is needed for that purpose—but about pure punishment.  Or, maybe it is still about deterrence but it’s about her being willing to escalate to something that just hurts so fucking bad that you will do anything to avoid a repeat session. 


I don’t have a lot to add in terms of a specific topic, so take it any direction that seems fitting.


Even if I’m having a bit of a hard time fully embracing the Christmas spirit, I hope that’s not true for all of you. Enjoy the season. But behave yourself or suffer the consequences!


Saturday, December 9, 2023

The Club - Meeting 458 - Update, the Burdens of Leadership, and Reluctant Disciplinarians

“The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes.” — Tony Blair, Former British prime minister


Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.


I hope you’re all doing well and have had a kick-off to the holiday season.  I’m sorry that my posting (and even commenting) has been so lackluster. At least I think I may be narrowing in on the source of my malaise.


As I stated before, I came back from vacation sick with Covid (for the third time), and my DD interest seemed to have plummeted.  I now have a working theory on why it happened, though not necessarily how to correct it, at least not quickly.


I had my annual physical exam (though, thanks to my procrastinating it usually ends up being closer to biannual) shortly after we went on vacation. But, I put off doing the blood draw for the various health-related metrics they check, because I knew that a week at an all-inclusive resort probably had not done wonders for my cholesterol levels or other markers. I finally got around to doing the blood draw earlier this week.


Surprisingly, my cholesterol numbers were great. But, oddly, my testosterone levels are way down.  Like down by 30% in one year!  I had no idea why, but out of curiosity I Googled “Covid and declining testosterone levels.” Sure enough, there is good clinical data showing that Covid can, in fact, cause sudden declines in testosterone. 


I have always said that, although I don’t have a spanking or discipline “fetish,” it’s certainly true that the energy that underlies my DD interest is heavily erotic.  So, what happens when the testosterone that drives sexual energy drops?  Well, apparently in my case it means my interest in DD drops right along with it.  Here’s hoping it’s temporary. . .. And, I have felt a some slightly stronger erotic stirrings this week, so perhaps the situation is improving.

In the meantime, I will diligently try to get my act together on diet and exercise over the holidays in an effort to get those "T" levels back up. Maybe in the process I'll shed some of the weight I put on last holiday season.

Anyway, I did have the beginnings of a topic glimmering in my brain but it hadn’t quite gelled yet, when I got a couple of topic ideas that seemed at least peripherally related.


Norton suggested this:


“Christmas is usually a stressful time, and this one has the added stress of a resurgence of Covid where I live, as well as the brewing threat to our democracy, plus the Israeli - Gaza war, as well as the ongoing war with Russia and Ukraine, which has further devided the country. When I feel stressed out, I drink more, and pay attention less. This has led to my earning 3 disciplinary spankings in the last 10 days. Before this, I went for over a month or longer, not earning any discipline, and getting only maintenance spankings. When I find things that seem relevant to us, I bring them up in our check before most spankings. One entry I read from awhile back was about how difficult it must be for our wives to be in the role of constantly needing to make decisions about how often and how severe to punish. My partner affirmed that was true for her as well, and in the middle of yesterday's spanking, she told me "I don't like having to do this", which made me feel somewhat ashamed of putting her through that. It also left me feeling the need to increase my resolve to not earn any more punishment for awhile. Does any of this ring true for you guys as well?”


Then, I got this email from “Mike”:

“First of all thank you for your blog! We started our version of a DD marriage this August and I had the luck to come across your blog by chance.  I have only commented once so far on the recent topic of tears but I read your blog regularly and try to read through all the old posts (which are a lot!) in order to have a better understanding of what a DD relationship can look like.


If it's okay with you, I would like to suggest a topic for a future discussion that has been on my mind lately. Namely the DD progression in relationships especially with regard to naturally non dominant wives who have a hard time picking up and applying the paddle.


Maybe I can give you a little background on what I mean by that: My wife is 30 and I am 37. We have three small kids (so life is very busy and noisy). I have been a hard wired spanko since childhood but in our 10 years of marriage I kept that secret because my wife is as vanilla as it gets and does not have a kinky bone in her body. This summer we had a big argument about my lack of help around the house and I took this as an opportunity to suggest DD to her. Her response was a clear “hell no” to spanking me but we did experiment with some other forms of accountability. After I continued to try to move her in the direction of spanking I eventually revealed my deep rooted need to her in a very emotional and vulnerable moment and she reluctantly agreed to give it a try. We tried different things in the last few months and at the beginning I was too much in control telling her how to do her discipline job. After we both read “the good wife's guide to taking charge” (again first heard about it on your blog) she set up the rule that I write her a list of all my infractions and pin it on our fridge every friday. She will then deal with me when she feels like it. Sometimes it is the same weekend but sometimes it may be three weeks later. I have no say regarding discipline whatsoever.


Now I do count my lucky stars that I finally get some of the discipline and boundaries I crave and I am extremely grateful to my wife for being willing to do this for me. But I know she really doesn´t like spanking me and therefore the spankings are often not really hard enough and too infrequent. She mostly spanks for things we agreed together that I should change but never uses her power for other things I do that really piss her off. It is still mostly me who asks her “do I need to put this on the report?” when I feel I made her angry (= trying to remind her of her power) rather than her telling me to put it on the list and expect a severe spanking the next weekend.


Now on your blog I read about a lot of wives who took to it naturally and enjoy their power. My wife - as of now - does not fall into that category. But I am really curious about how DD progressed in relationships in which the wife at the beginning did not like spanking their husband but did it anyway. Did that feeling change for some wives? Did they start to enjoy it? Did intensity and frequency increase? From what I gathered by reading your blog DD is a process.


I guess I just try get some perspective and encouragement / hope that our DD could evolve into more than it is now. I hope one day she will see DD as a tool she can use to her benefit rather than a chore she has to perform. At the same time I do know that my wife is completely worn out from taking care of our kids (youngest being 1 year old) so we started DD in a stage in our lives that is already challenging enough.


I will stop my rambling now. Maybe it might be worth a post / discussion. Either way thanks for your blog. I really appreciate that it is not focused on the bdsm aspect as so many other blogs are. I don´t really identify with that. If you want to pick up my topic suggestion feel free to use anything that I did write. I apologize if my english is a bit off - it´s not my native language.”


Although they are coming at it from slightly different angles, it seems to me that both Norton and Mike are raising the topic of the burdens of taking on the role of disciplinarian in a DD marriage, and how for some it can be a chore or worse.


First off, I would like to congratulate Mike on being honest with his wife about what he needs.  It’s also a great thing on her part that, despite being a vanilla, she has agreed to at least give all this a try.  Those moves took courage on both parts and dedication to the relationship and to each other.  And, it may be worth reminding him, be careful what you wish for!

Regarding Mike’s request for guidance, I may not be the best resource, as I got lucky that while, like Mike’s wife, mine began this journey seemingly “as vanilla as it gets [without] a kinky bone in her body” mine was one of those who seemed to take to it surprisingly easily.  Oh, I do think she thought the whole thing was kind of weird at first, but that didn’t stop her from giving very hard spankings almost from the beginning. 


Though, it is still, in fact, a process. For example, she hasn’t always shown the initiative Mike talks about of being quick to punish for things that truly piss her off, even though we are almost twenty years into this little experiment. 


But, I also have seen her confidence in herself and her general proclivity for keeping DD “top of mind” grow by leaps and bounds, particularly over the last couple of years since she retired. And, while it ebbs and flows, there definitely have been times over the last year when I felt she increasingly was coming to her own conclusions about the need for increased strictness.



As for Norton’s concerns, I’m also perhaps not the best person to respond.  I don’t think that delivering hard disciplinary spankings has ever been an emotional burden per se for Anne.  As I said, she took to them very readily and now, twenty years later, I think she downright enjoys giving them and actually gets antsy when (like now) she hasn’t blistered my backside in several weeks.  She has never said anything like, “I don’t like doing this to you” because I think she very much DOES like doing it to me!



I do think sometimes she has experienced DD as a logistical burden.  She has told me that sometimes when she’s decided I need a spanking, she will have to think about how to work it into a busy day.  While I’m sure that isn’t easy, and I do sympathize, I don’t think it happens that often.  My own reaction to that logistical burden is interesting, at least to me.  Something about envisioning her mentally going through her daily calendar, figuring out when to work in a much-deserved spanking, really turns me on.  


That may not be surprising, given how many times I’ve written here about the attraction I have both to the “maternal” disciplinarian archetype and to an approach that is very “all business.”  Something about the head of the household working out mentally when to deliver a spanking, as if it were just another item on the to-do list definitely resonates with me.


I hope you all have a great week.