Sunday, February 27, 2022

The Club - Meeting 395 - Delay, Anticipation, Avoidance cont.

"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone." — Pablo Picasso


Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our (more or less) weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.  I hope you all had a great week.


It wasn’t a great week, but it certainly was a momentous week in world events.  As anyone who has read this blog for a while knows, I’m a political and world affairs junkie.  I started the day on Thursday very down that it appeared the worlds democracies were once again going to roll over and play dead in the face of totalitarian aggression.  Yet, over the course of the next few days and as a result of watching millions of Ukrainians put their lives on the line to stand up the neighborhood bully, the rest of the world somehow managed to find its balls.



Inspiring stuff.  Though, I’m fascinated by the collective amnesia of the politicians and pundits who are criticizing the current U.S. administration for not being strong enough in supporting Ukraine, after those same politicians and pundits argued left and right that it was no big deal for Trump to get caught on a “perfect” phone call trying to extort Ukraine by delaying military aid until they coughed up dirt on his political opponent.  No, no big deal at all. Shameful.


Anyway. On to this week’s post.  It’s kind of an update on recent developments and an extension of last week’s discussion.  As I’ve related on here a couple of times, one of my resolutions for the new year was to do a better job self-reporting any behavioral problems.  Unlike most of my resolutions, I’ve actually done pretty well on this one.  Not perfect by any means; but, not too bad.  However, I’m finding that for every action there is, indeed, an equal and opposite reaction.  Although I’m acting to be tougher on myself on the reporting front, the perhaps inevitable reaction is I’m working harder to delay the anticipated consequences of that reporting.  And, unfortunately, February proved to be chockful of events that allowed me to wriggle out of those consequences.  There were visitors and a couple of physical health issues, holidays (Valentines Day) and personal events that (a) interfered with her ability to deliver a spanking immediately; (b) allowed me to display some offsetting good behavior that warmed her heart, i.e. gifts given to her on a couple of meaningful occasions; or (c) gave me an excuse to argue for a short delay, i.e. “Ah honey, it’s Valentines Day.  How about tomorrow?”



Now, as I’ve related a few times here, I’ve always been kind of bad about trying to get out of what I know I have coming, or at least very actively hoping that something would come along and interfere.  But, I do feel like that reaction intensified after I started reporting more.  I don’t really try to avoid it entirely.  Indeed, if that were the overt aim, the best means would probably be to just “forget” to self-report.  Yet, I haven’t been doing that. Instead, my reluctance to get spanked manifests as various subtle and not-so-subtle suggestions that maybe she could just put it off a day or two.


The problem is, justice delayed very often turns into justice denied.  I’ve talked before about the trade-offs between immediacy and anticipation.  I do believe that allowing a misbehaving husband to stew about it for a while does have its place.  But, so does immediacy, not least because the big problem with providing a lot of time for anticipation also lays the groundwork for it not happening at all.  As ZM noted:


When things get postponed, it is almost never because my wife wants to keep me anxious about it. Rather, things get in the way, or maybe sometimes she just doesn't feel like punishing me at the time. When things get postponed - for whatever reason - they become less and less likely to happen with each passing day.



I couldn’t agree more.  Alan offered further support for the value of immediacy and the problems with lengthy delays:


This discussion about delayed or postponed spankings remind me about the relatively few “on the spot” spankings I have received. But I remember every one of them, even those that occurred years ago – and with few exceptions I either never repeated the behavior that caused the spanking -- or didn’t repeat it for a very long time. What I am saying is that spanking in real time is probably much more natural and more effective than delay.


Those who have studied the factors that make a correction effective tell us that it should be “certain”, “severe” and “swift”. In the real adult world we all live in, these are challenging conditions to achieve. But for those who believe spankings can’t achieve real behavior modification, I say: try certain, severe and swift for a while and see if you still think spanking doesn’t work.


I agree that “certain, severe, and swift” is almost certainly the right recipe for effective correction.  Throughout our fifteen-plus years of doing DD, however, we’ve almost always been a mere one out of three.  Anne’s spankings have always been plenty severe.  However, “certain” and “swift” are ongoing problems.


I’m being honest when I say that my resolve around self-reporting was an effort to build more certainty into our disciplinary endeavors.  What I am finding, however, is that in the context of Domestic Discipline, certainty and swiftness are not wholly independent variables.  Without swiftness, certainty becomes far less . . . certain.


In thinking through what to do about my efforts to self-sabotage the painful discipline I know I deserve, it did occur to me even before Alan’s comment that reducing the time between a self-report and her taking up the paddle and doing something about it is probably a necessary first step.  I’m not sure it would even require a major adjustment.  What I see happening time and again is I self-report, then we aren’t around each other for a while, then as soon as we are, I go into my subtle and not-so-subtle efforts to delay.  Over the course of even a few hours, I can find arguments to delay the proceedings, or often things really will happen on her end to interfere. So, what if she started eliminating some of the time that I have to maneuver and that events have to intercede?


As so often happens, I got to think about some of the inspiration we got early on from the Disciplinary Wives Club stories.  As I’ve said before, one of my favorites has always been the story Even More, written by our contributor Al.  It occurred that in that story, the wife calls the husband when she is on her way home from work and tells him to be ready for his spanking as soon as she gets home, after telling him earlier in the day that he was in for one.  That seems to me to be about the perfect amount of “anticipation” time.  He knows for a few hours that he is going to get one, then there is a short but powerful period in which he knows it is coming very soon.  In our case, there simply wouldn’t be much time for me to argue or maneuver if she were to call me on her way home from work to tell me I was getting my spanking as soon as she gets home.  It could also work in situations in which the husband is at work or otherwise away from the home.  She could call and order that he be home by a certain time and tell him to expect a spanking as soon as he gets home. 


The other thing about anticipation is I think wives may over-estimate its power.  I have a pretty short attention span, and I suspect other husbands do too.  If I know I have a spanking coming in the next hour, I will think of little else.  However, if the “anticipation” period is longer or more indeterminate, other thoughts naturally intercede.  Moreover, while soon after an offense I may feel a lot of contrition and a strong desire to be held accountable, those feelings have a pretty short half-life.


Finally, as Alan alluded to, when the delay becomes substantial, additional acts of bad behavior or “acting out” seem to become inevitable:


[F]or us there is a certain self-correcting mechanism that never lets her paddle gather too much dust. If it goes too long or she lets my behavior slip I begin to act out, in effect challenging her authority –and then she reminds me both of her authority and that I don’t want to challenge it.



Please let me know your thoughts about any of this.  I hope you all have a great week.

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

The Club - Meeting 394 - Paradoxical Disappointments and Emotional Rollercoasters

The desire to keep doing what we love supersedes the desire to penalize bad behavior. - Nell Scovell


Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our (more or less) weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.  I hope you all had a great week.


Mine has been kind of up and down.  On the upside, after taking off more than a month thanks to the vacation from hell and then an extended bout of Covid, I finally got back into the gym for the first time in over a month. Though painful, it was good for me.  Kind of like the spanking Anne gave me last week.  I’ll use that spanking as the launch pad for this week’s discussion, while also following up on a few reader comments.


In response to the topic of what usually brings spankings to an end, some of you talked about the paradoxical feelings we sometimes get when a spanking we know we deserve ends “too soon.”  I suspect it is a feeling many of disciplined husbands can relate to, even if it seems counter-intuitive.  While we are in the middle of the spanking, we really truly want it to end. But, if it ends “too soon,” we may experience disappointment.  While it may seem illogical to some, I totally get it.  For me, so much of my desire around domestic discipline is tied up with a need to feel like I am being held accountable and that consequences are being imposed.  Even if I really want her to stop when she’s in the middle of whacking away at my upturned bottom, there is some disappointment there if I feel like the punishment wasn’t quite long enough to really clean the slate, and for me cleaning the slate requires a spanking that I am really, really challenged to take.  If she stops too soon, part of me is happy but another part likely will be disappointed.



I have a similar rollercoaster of conflicting emotions when it comes to avoiding a spanking entirely.  I am man enough to admit that the prospect of being spanked leads me to some very childish behavior in one respect; like any kid who knows he or she is in for a spanking, I almost always try to avoid getting the consequences that my behavior earned.  Even though I was the one who asked for this kind of relationship, as soon as I know I am likely to get a spanking, I start hoping that something will happen to interfere with her plans.  Sometimes, I will try to get her to put it off for a day or two. Sometimes I even have a legitimate reason for putting it off, but part of me is also hoping that justice delayed will end up being justice denied entirely.


Last week, I once again experienced that cycle of wanting imposed consequences then quickly not wanting them. On Sunday, I self-reported (as I resolved to start doing regularly), regarding some behavior and attitude issues.  She was well aware of the issues, particularly the attitude problem, but I had committed to self-reporting and I really am trying to make it a habit.  We weren’t together that evening and, therefore, she didn’t have the opportunity to take care of it that day. Then, I ended up with some back pain that was real, but I did use it as an excuse to ask her to give me a reprieve for a day or two.  Three days came and went, and I started to think that I might have once again managed to avoid one entirely.  But, as soon as I had that realization, I felt some disappointment.  I knew that I deserved a spanking, and the part of me that needs to be held accountable needed one.


Then, at dinner that night, she asked me told me to enjoy the time sitting down, because I wouldn’t be able to sit comfortably later that evening.  It took me by surprise, but I didn’t even try to put it off any longer.  Not that my feelings were unmixed or consistent.  On the one hand, I instantly no longer felt that nagging sense of unexpiated guilt and accompanying disappointment that I had felt when I thought I might have delayed my way out of a trip over her knee.  On the other hand, I was not looking forward to getting spanked, even though I knew I deserved it.


It did happen, and on a little faster schedule than I anticipated.  Although the scheduling varies, most of our spankings seem to happen around 9:00 or 9:30.  I had been hanging out in my home office watching television.  I wandered into our bedroom, where Anne generally works at night, at around 8:30, thinking it probably would be at least 30 minutes before she would let me know it was time.  Instead, as soon as I walked into the bedroom she asked if I was ready for my spanking. As has been the case in our three or four most recent sessions, it was OTK with the bath brush and hairbrush. 



She went for a few minutes and the bath brush was as hard to take as usual.  But, she stopped to inspect my butt and was plainly disappointed that parts of my bottom were starting to show what had to be very minor “spotting” of blood.  It was minor enough that I couldn’t find any evidence of it a few minutes later.  She was plainly disappointed that she couldn’t go longer, to the point that she told me I would be getting a second round the next day.  She said that she had not realized how angry she was about my recent attitude issues until she started spanking me.  It was clear that for her, the spanking she had just delivered was not enough to clean the slate.  I told her that it might need to wait a day, as I had (a legitimate) scheduling conflict the next day.  And, of course, you know what happened.  The second part never happened.


So, my spanking experience last week dovetailed very closely with a couple of comments by ZM and Glenmore.  ZM noted:


One of the best things about spanking is how it clears the slate, both for the spanker and the spankee. If she is spanking me out of feelings of hurt or anger, she should continue at least until those feelings been fully vented, at which point she will probably transition from feeling angry at me to feeling sorry for me. At the same time, if I reach the point of surrender, it will provide an emotional catharsis and purging of feelings of guilt for me as well. So, the spanking should end with a clean slate.


While the spanking she delivered actually did leave me pretty sore for at least three days and had purged most of my guilt, it plainly had not been sufficient to clean the slate from Anne’s perspective.


Glenmore raised another angle, asking: “I wonder if the length of the spanking is related to just how much is she enjoying it? The sense of power must be intoxicating for her and I notice her tone is not one of anger but almost amusement sometimes.”  I have experienced that, too. Anne plainly does enjoy her role as disciplinarian, though she seems to get off more on the pre-spanking activities than on the spanking itself.  She is very open about the fact that she likes it when I show signs of nervousness about either getting spanked or about her starting to exercise more authority. We talk pretty often about her becoming much more strict with me (though our follow-through has been pretty spotty so far) and exercising much more authority, going down more of an FLR path. When we have those talks, it turns me on but it also does make me feel more than a little nervous. It shows, and she plainly likes that it does.


She has also said that she enjoys telling me to get ready for a spanking or to get into position, and then watching me comply.  Over the last year, she’s also taken to being more vocal during the spanking itself, repeating her displeasure with my actions and asking rhetorical questions about whether she is getting through to me.  So, I do think she does enjoy delivering the spanking and that it is, as Glenmore suggested, all about the sense of power.


I don’t have a formal topic associated with any of the above but welcome any thoughts you may have.