Dan's Tips & Methods

I've always described this blog as being for those in Domestic Discipline relationships and, importantly, those who are interested in being in one. It was modeled after, and is a tribute to, the Disciplinary Wives Club, which was one of the pioneering advocates of a lifestyle choice in which the woman heads the household and has the power and authority to dole out good old-fashioned discipline, primarily in the form of spanking, to her misbehaving husband.  As the DWC's founder, Aunt Kay, described it:

The Disciplinary Wives Club (DWC) is an organization whose purpose is to encourage the application of "Good Old Fashioned" spanking and other very traditional methods of discipline by wives and committed partners. It is our experience that the vast majority of relationships that have a maternal discipline orientation are truly happy, healthy and long lasting.

From the beginning, Aunt Kay recognized that, while the purpose of her organization was to support couples pursuing this lifestyle, in most cases, it is the husband who initiates the conversation about exploring such a lifestyle.  As she stated in one of the DWC's publications:

"The DWC is an organization that supports couples who are practicing, or considering practicing, a domestic Discipline lifesytle, where the wife or female partner (or designated partner in same-sex couples) is the head of the household.  While each DWC couple practices the lifestyle in their own way, the lifestyle generally involves the wife being in charge of some, or all, of the couple's relationship. The husband, or male partner, is expected to follow certain behavioral rules set by the wife, and when he does not, he is disciplined by the wife. While that discipline can take a variety of forms, the most common form of discipline is spanking.

Unlike spanking-play or BDSM, the discipline administered by the wife in a DWC relationship is not foreplay or directly sexual, but is for behavioral modification.  Generally, it is the husband who initiates the discussion about adopting the lifestyle, and the men in the lifestyle are the ones who desire to be disciplined."

The fact that it is the husband who typically initiates the discussion about adopting the Domestic Discipline lifestyle is consistent with my experience blogging and engaging with others about this lifestyle over the last couple of decades.  Although many spanking stories involve frustrated wives who impose the disciplinary relationship on their misbehaving husband--often over his objections--those stories are mostly fantasies.  In the vast majority of real-life cases, it is the husband who proposes a Domestic Discipline relationship to his wife, and she may not even be aware that such a thing exists.  In fact, many Female/male disciplinary relationships begin with a conflicted but curious husband finding a way to ask for a serious spanking from a puzzled wife, whose initial reaction may range from confusion to seriously questioning what kind of weirdo she married.  

The obvious ramifications of the husband being the most common initiator of the Domestic Discipline conversation are that (a) he does actually have to initiate such a conversation if he wants to have that kind of relationship; and (b) he should be prepared to explain exactly why he wants it and why she should.  

Here are some common questions I hear from men and women considering these relationships:

Why Does He Want This?

This seems like it should be a simple question, but based on years and years of talking to other Disciplined Husbands about it, I don't think there is a simple answer.  But, here are a few thoughts and observations.

First, many of the men who are in, or want to be in, Domestic Discipline and DWC-style relationships have a longstanding interest in spanking, often going back to their teen years.  I hesitate to label it a "fetish", which has all sorts of connotations, and the colloquial use of the term may or may not apply to the wide range of motivations noted by real-life Disciplined Husbands.  But, it is safe to say that many, and probably most, of the husbands who find themselves attracted to the niche that is DWC-style disciplinary spankings began with a more generalized interest in spanking that they trace back to their early teens (or earlier).

Yet, the fact that they have a strong interest in spanking doesn't make their desire for discipline less real.  Often, it's only after years of exploring what they think of as a spanking "kink" with various partners that they start to discern that the root of their interest is deeper than the spanking itself.  Rather, what they crave is female authority, with one of the expressions of that authority being the power to impose discipline, either at her discretion or to enforce agreed-upon rules of behavior.

So, is it only "submissive" men who want this kind of lifestyle? No, not at all.  I would estimate that, at most, half of the men in DD relationships would identify themselves as submissive, and many of those would say that the only person they have any desire to submit to is their wife.  In fact, many men in these relations are very "Type A" or "Alpha" in their work lives.  They often are successful, hard-driving professionals or leaders.  For many such men, the attraction to DD is that it allows them to let down their guard and let someone else to take control.  

Are some men who want a Domestic Discipline relationship submissive?  Certainly.  Just like some prospective Disciplinary Wives have a naturally dominant streak, while some do not.  Partners bring a huge variety of personality styles, personal desires and, frankly, comfort levels with lifestyles that may seem a little "kinky" at first.

What are some other reasons a man might be into this kind of lifestyle?  Speaking for myself, I seem to have a deep-seated need to be held accountable. I also tend toward "excessive" behaviors, and I feel a corresponding need to feel like someone in my life has the power and willingness to impose some guardrails.  Although I don't like having someone set rules and hold me to them (I'm quite anti-authoritarian in my professional life and in my other relationships), something deeper inside me needs someone to impose some rules on me and hold me accountable when I fail to follow the rules or just do something stupid or careless.

That's one of the big ironies about F/m Domestic Discipline.  The men who are attracted to it sometimes fear they will be seen as submissive or lacking in masculinity, but the reality is that many of those men set very high standards for themselves and are often some of the strongest performers in their careers and in other aspects of their lives.  In fact, it is because they are above-average performers and set such high standards for themselves that they have a correspondingly outsized need for accountability and consequences.

Although the reasons men want these relationships vary tremendously, and sometimes we don't fully understand them ourselves, if you are a husband asking his wife to give it a try, think through your own motivations and be prepared to tell her about them honestly and forthrightly. 

What's In it For Her?

When I first proposed a DWC-style relationship to my wife, I knew that I was strongly attracted to it, but I'm not sure I fully understood why.  That has taken me a lot of time and self-discovery to figure out.

However, my timid, embarrassed request that my wife consider becoming a Disciplinary Wife might have gone nowhere had I not been able to offer a compelling vision of what might be in it for her.

From my perspective, the benefits seemed obvious at first glance.  After all, she was the one spanking me.  She was the one gaining power and authority, while I was being consciously moved down the hierarchy in our marital power-sharing structure. And, she was the one being given the ability to stop arguments in their tracks.

All those benefits undeniably come with some strings attached.  Leadership is hard, if you take the role seriously.  Yet, isn’t it still ultimately better to lead than to follow?  As they say, if you’re not the lead dog in the sled team, the view is the same.  

At the time, however, I wasn’t thinking about her leadership role as much as about relationship balance.  On a personal level, I recognized my tendency toward excess and boundary-pushing behavior.  I knew I needed more balance.  But, more germane to her decision whether to seriously consider taking on the dominant rule in a DD relationship, was the fact that our relationship as a whole needed more balance. 

I had the ‘bigger’ career, with long hours, lots of travel, lots of big projects for big clients.  I also was a boss of teams at work and, though I never enjoyed that aspect of the job, I have no doubt I brought that energy home.

So, my pitch to my wife as to what was in it for her was more control over her home, more control over her life, more power and authority over her husband, and, ultimately, more ability to conduct more of our relationship on her own terms.  Years later, I got to know another Disciplinary Wife who had her own blog promoting DD and Female Led Relationships. She offered what I think is a pretty compelling vision of what a Disciplinary Wife could get out of such a relationship:

“I do this thing we do to have more control over my life, and because it promotes a more harmonious marriage with a clarity of expectations. I don't believe there is ever true and absolute equality in a marriage. And even where there ostensibly is, it's really just a game of whose will is stronger in each decision, leaving both parties without a real sense of control or acceptance. You are either the one who got overridden and may harbor resentment, or you got your way but only this time, so next time is still up for grabs.

This constant, even if subtle, struggle for power wastes time and energy, and tends (at least for me) to bring out less than flattering qualities. I used to flounce out of rooms in my previous marriage or end a contested decision-making fight by hurling insults or imposing steely silence. For a lot of reasons, this went poorly for us.

I also believe the discipline aspect brings better behavior for both of us and clears the air. It's easier to let things go once they have been addressed. It's like the end of a drawn-out fight when you feel vindicated, but much more compressed. I believe introducing discipline has the obvious (hopefully) effect of correcting behaviors on the submissive’s side, but also for the dominant. To actually punish someone for something or to exert that level of control requires the dominant to have behaved better as well. It would be wildly unfair to be a raging bitch and then punish him for yelling back. 

Now I realize there are gradations of this, because as the one in charge, I still get to decide whether his behavior warrants some response, whereas I have greater leniency. But I try to be fair and judge it from the situation, so I'm not just doing whatever I want without regard for what is fair or right or best for us.”

Won't He Think I'm a Bitch?

The very short answer to this one is a resounding "NO!!"  The longer one is that, whatever label you want to put on it, men who want this kind of relationship generally crave female authority. They may not know why they want it. They may chafe under it initially, especially when they are just beginning to explore the new power allocation. But, the reality is, a man who has risked embarrassment and rejection by asking for this kind of arrangement WANTS a powerful, assertive woman.  

In fact, because many men who want these relationships can be quite headstrong, they need and want someone to be exceptionally strict and stern when it comes to discipline, because that's what it takes to allow them to surrender their own need to be in control. 

As the DWC website puts it in the Tips & Methods section:

"[A] submissive man does not want a weak or lenient woman. He wants someone very strict and dominant. If he wanted anything different, he wouldn't be over your knees in the first place."

Although I don't agree with the unstated presumption that every man who puts himself over his wife's knee is, in fact, submissive, the statement does get it right that most men who are in, or want to be in, a DWC-relationship want to experience a form of discipline that feels strict, imposing, and challenging.

My Experience Asking My Wife to Discipline Me

It's hard to offer advice on how to initiate a Domestic Discipline. DWC-style relationship when each partner in every marriage has such a wide variety of wants, needs, concerns, and limits.  But, maybe my own story will help some think through the relevant questions and likely concerns.

I am an atypical Disciplined Husband in one way: I am one of the few who did NOT have an early interest in spanking. I don't recall having any interest in erotic spanking until I saw a segment on adult spanking on a series on cable, and I didn't even know there was such a thing as "real" adult spanking, i.e. real spankings given as real punishment for real misbehavior.

After I saw that cable series, I was interested enough that I did initiate some spanking role-play with my wife, with me as the recipient. But, it wasn't punishment; it was "funishment."  I didn't realize what exactly was missing but, while it was fun for a time, erotic spanking just didn't do that much for me.  

Moreover, my wife became very concerned that when I did things that pissed her off, then we'd have a play-enacted scene in which she "punished" me, usually with a flimsy leather adult novelty-store paddle, and it was basically for erotic titillation, she was reinforcing the very behavior that was pissing her off!  So, she called an end to the whole thing and, since I wasn't getting a lot out of it anyway, I didn't really care.

The turning point came when I came across the Disciplinary Wives Club website [now defunct]. The stories of real, bare-bottomed disciplinary spankings left me fascinated, turned on, and terrified.  I'm not exaggerating. I found the stories and "Aunt Kay"'s description of the lifestyle fascinating, but morbidly so. I was especially fascinated by the stories in which a wife imposed the disciplinary spanking relationship on her husband and, for his first spanking, announced that it wouldn't end until after--perhaps long after--he was in tears. 

I had never even heard of Domestic Discipline--wives taking charge and giving real disciplinary spankings--yet I instantly became near-obsessed with the concept. I devoured the entire website and thought of little else for three days.  Although part of me dreaded the potential rejection, and certain embarrassment, I felt like I really did not have a choice but to tell my wife about it.

I could have turned into kind of a joke, suggesting my wife check out this interesting little website I'd found. In fact, that's how the husband in my favorite story on the DWC website, titled Even More, brought the concept to his wife.  However, I sensed that if I wanted my wife to take it seriously, then I need to display that seriousness myself.  I couldn't quite bring myself to look her in the eye and explain this thing that had consumed me over the last few days. Instead, we were in bed, getting ready to go to sleep, with the lights off.  I kind of stumbled through it, but I told her that I'd found this website and that it had this very unique relationship concept and, while it seemed kind of kinky on the surface, it was really a very serious lifestyle choice that upended traditional male-female roles.  I gave her the gist, emphasizing that it was about wives taking control of their marriages, using real spankings as real punishment.  

At some point, she asked me whether I was just telling her about this website and the lifestyle it advocated, or was I actually proposing we do it.  I don't recall the words I used, but whatever they were, together with my tone and halting delivery, I'm pretty sure I managed to convey that I saw it as, at least potentially, a real tool to deepen our relationship by making her feel happier and more empowered, but that the reality of what I was suggesting was not lost on me and that I was more than a little scared of the whole thing.  

As we talked about it that night, it was clear that her biggest concern was that if I "wanted" to be spanked for doing something bad, wouldn't the spanking just reinforce the bad behavior?  How was this different from the erotic spanking scenes she had put an end to?

I emphasized some of the concrete details of the spanking stories on the DWC website, particularly the stories that involved husband sobbing mid-way through a long, hard, spanking.  I made sure she understood that these weren't little pretend swats with a flimsy novelty-story paddle. These were spankings that would leave me chastened, reddened, and possibly in tears.  The entire goal was to make the paddling bad enough that I would really, really want to avoid another at all costs.  I hadn't read it at that time, but if I'd had it available, I would have shared these lines from one of the DWC pamphlets:

"My goal is for you, the man in the relationship, to one day ask yourself, "Oh, NO! What did I get myself into?" as you await an upcoming spanking session that you desperately want to avoid. Yes, that's right. I want you to be genuinely anxious and dreading an upcoming discipline session, because it means your wife has taken the role of disciplinarian seriously,has made a decision that you are going to get a good sound licking, and you have nothing to say about it. It is the essence of a DWC relationship."

I did, however, ask her to read through the DWC website herself and even suggested a few stories; like the Even More stories I referred to above, and others that showed a wife who wasn't a bitch, who loved her husband, but who was perfectly OK with reducing him to a sobbing mess over her knee.  I knew she would also read things like this from Aunt Kay's Tips and Methods section:

A dose of corporal punishment should have a dual effect. It should be extremely painful while it is being applied, and the area it was applied to should remain very tender for a period of time afterwards.

A spanking should be an event to remember. Don't worry about how red his bottom gets. The more color you put into it, the better you are doing. Don't pay any attention to his cries and pleas and promises. He will tell you anything to get you to stop. Allow him to squirm within limits. If it gets out of hand, give him a smack or two on the back of his thighs. If you give a spanking the way it should be given, the results should still show a week later. He should wince every time he tries to sit for days after.

Although it was hard for me, and I was very embarrassed throughout the conversation, I talked explicitly--really for the first time in a decade of marriage--about what I wanted our marriage could be and how Domestic Discipline might get us there.  I admitted that I often felt like I had to exercise such control and authority in my work life that it became a burden, and that while it would be very challenging emotionally, it would almost certainly be good for me to cede some of the authority over my life to her.  I also recognized that my behavior was often hurtful or inconsiderate but, because of the way we were both raised, she had never felt like she could do very much about it, other than pout and engage in other passive-aggressive behaviors.  

The conversation was very much about us consciously deciding to empower her and dis-empower me, in order to bring a sense of balance to the relationship.  I emphasized that she would be able to set the rules and enforce them at will and that, while it would be a struggle for me, I was agreeing as a condition of the new relationship that I had to give in to her discipline, whenever, wherever, and for whatever she chose. 

And, it was emphasized over and over that the goal was to give her a means to nip bad behavior in the bud, instead of just passively taking it and stewing over it.

Our next hurdle was making discipline a stable part of the relationship, given that neither of us had any pre-existing interest in the lifestyle and, hence, no obsession driving us to keep it up.  Making it a core part of of our relationship involved lots of rules, structure, scheduled sessions, etc.  While utterly lacking in spontaneity, it was a way for us to start thinking about spankings as one of our primary relationship tools.  While so much structure and planning may seem somewhat at odds with the idea of a wife taking control, especially if the husband is driving much of that planning, before Anne could start using spankings spontaneously for real discipline she first had to break down a lot of old limiting patterns and  start thinking of herself as a disciplinary wife.  That meant we had to find ways to provide her with frequent, structured opportunities to decide whether I would be spanked, for how long, how severely, etc.  Some may call my participation in that process "topping from below," but I don't buy into that concept in the context of a disciplinary relationship, especially one in its infancy.  The wife is often coming into that relationship from the perspective of someone who has spent decades in a secondary role.  Growing into something new and more powerful may require lots of communication, planning and support, but you may be surprised at the extent to which your passive partner may transform herself into the guiding force in the relationship.

The next morning, before I went to work, I wrote down the web address for the Disciplinary Wives Club website.  She wasn't working that day, but I had my doubts about whether she would even look it, as I suspected (and she later admitted), her primary thought about my revelations the previous night was that the whole thing sounded kind of weird.  But, near the end of the workday, her number popped up on my telephone's caller ID.  She told me she had looked at the website.  What did she think about it, I asked, I'm sure with a tremor in my voice.

"Very interesting," she replied.

After a long pause, I asked, "And .  .  . what does that mean in terms of . . .?"

"Well," she said, "I guess you better go to the mall on your way home and find me a good, heavy hairbrush."

Next Steps

I was a mess the rest of the day and right through the evening and up to the moment of that first spanking.  It wasn't nearly as severe as the stories on the DWC website, though even that first time, it wasn't really for her lack of good faith effort.

We just didn't know what we were doing.  The brush I bought was the heaviest I could find, but it turned out still to be too flimsy for a serious spanking.  The OTK position turned out to be very awkward, though that was just an experience thing.  After preferring other positions for several years, we later gave OTK a try again, and now it's her preferred position. 

The point is, no, that first spanking wasn't perfect, but it got the ball rolling.  And, all the things that made it imperfect were fixable.  I bought a real paddle; fraternity-style with holes.  I also bought a serious punishment strap.  We experimented with different positions, coming to prefer me draped over the arm of a sofa in our basement.

Still, things might have never gotten off the ground had we not put some initial structure in place. I realized that if spankings were to function as a real deterrent, better tools and positions would help, but ultimately, my wife needed the confidence to make me take that position and to swing the paddle or strap as hard as the offense merited.  Basically, we needed some rules and some practice

Therefore, I proposed and she agreed that on a designated day each week, I would give her a journal entry, handwritten, that would include an accounting of any misbehavior the preceding week, including whether I'd broken any of several rules we had agreed to.  Each of those rules was assigned a certain number of swats, all with the heavy fraternity paddle, and some of the rules had "enhancements" for egregiously bad instances of rule-breaking.  For example, we decided to address drinking.  I was part of a boozy profession in which wins were celebrated and losses were mourned over beers--often too many beers--after work.  We agreed that any amount of three would result in a baseline of ten swats. But, there also would be five additional swats for every drink above three. 

After listing all the offenses and the number of swats assigned to each, I would have to tally them up and write down the total. We agreed that she could always give more than the assigned number of swats, but she could not give fewer.  That was important because, even though it temporarily removed some of her discretion, it was only that part that might shy away from doling out "too much" hurt even when it was richly deserved.

I still vividly recall that after going several weeks in which a typical number of swats was around 15 to 20, I had a remarkably bad week, with several work-related social events and some ordinary bad behavior. I gulped as I tallied up the total that week and found it added up to 65 swats!  I was truly afraid and had never taken anything close to that.  She was sitting on the couch that I would soon be bent over as I handed her the journal.  She scanned the entry, raising her eyebrows and looking up at me when she got to the total. I gulped again and said I didn't think I could take that many.

Without skipping a beat, she said, "Well, you're going to take that many. You asked for this. You came up with the system.  And, you earned the 65 swats. So, you're going to take every single one of them, and if you can't sit for a week after we're done, too bad."

I was shocked that my formerly vanilla wife had so quickly overcome her trepidations about being "bitchy" or spanking "too hard."  I knew fully well the dread that Aunt Kay had wished upon me and other men who asked for these relationships and got what we wanted, fulfilling the old adage, "Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it."

The Conversation, Commitment, and Initial Structure - Recap and Summary

So, for those who think they really want to explore Domestic Discipline but weren't sure how to get such a relationship off the ground, here's a convenient summary of my tips:

• Have the heart-to-heart conversation and make it about how you and your behavior impact her life.  Tell her you know you don't always behave the way she wants and that, while you want to do better, old habits are hard to break.  Tell her that helping you behave better will make both of you happier.
• Introduce her to something like this blog and the DWC materials I've made available via the tabs at the top. [The original website is defunct, but an archived version is still available at http://web.archive.org/web/20191219070354/http://www.auntkaysdwc.com/.  Once you've pointed her in the right direction, leave her alone to explore. 
• After she is done reviewing and absorbing the materials, have a frank conversation about whether she would be willing to try giving you a real disciplinary spanking.  Emphasize that you know that what you are suggesting will require you both to push well past your comfort zones.  Listen to any concerns she may have and respond honestly to them.
• Show her that this is not about giving you a sexual thrill.  Tell her that you are handing over the power to her to determine how long and how hard the spanking will be, and that you know it will be long, hard, and very painful.  Acknowledge that, like her, you won't know what a real disciplinary spanking is like until you try, but you do want to try.
• If she seems agreeable, strike when the iron is hot.  Instead of waiting for an offense to occur, have her put together a list of things you have done in the recent past that left her feeling angry or hurt.  Then, agree that she will take care of it then and there, or set a date and time in the very near future.
• Don't feel confined to using a particular tool or a particular position.  A heavy hairbrush is probably a good start, because it seems so domestic and so far removed from the "whips and chains" that can be a big turnoff for more traditional women.  However, a really solid brush is hard to find. If you don't have one handy, perhaps try a heavy leather belt. Better yet, a long-handled wooden bath brush, which may be available at your local mall if it has a Body Shop store, and are available on-line for quick shipment.
• Some positions may not work for you, and neither you nor she should worry about that.  As I said above, over-the-knee (OTK) was very awkward for us at first.  After a few tries, we abandoned it in favor of her using a strap, with me lying on the bed with pillows under my midsection to elevate my bottom into a more target-friendly position.  For a paddling, "assume the position" usually entails me bending over the end of the bed or the arm of a couch.  
  
• Agree up front that she should err on the side of giving you a very hard spanking.  Tell her that she should have the mindset of giving you the kind of spanking that a very strict parent would have delivered in the olden days to an older son with major discipline problems, i.e. something designed to "give you something to cry about."  But worse, keeping in mind that a grown man needs a much harder and longer spanking than a child.
• Once it is over, talk, talk, and talk some more.  Ask her how it made her feel.  Ask her whether she felt any surge of power or authority by making you pull down your pants, making you assume the position, making you take whatever degree of punishment she chose to deliver.  Show her that she shouldn't feel guilty about feeling empowered and in charge.  Let her know you WANT her to feel that way.   
• Send her flowers the next day, with a clever and cryptic "thank you" to assure her that even if she leaves you in tears, it makes you love her that much more.
• Think about a written contract or at least a written set of rules and expectations.  While we did not enter into a written contract, I'm sure it would be helpful for many couples, if for no other reason than to provide a structure for talking about what you want to get out of the relationship and so both of you are clear that number one ground rule is she will be setting the rules and that you have agreed in writing to that shift in the marital dynamic. 
• Even if you don't do a formal contract, come up with a list of offenses that will definitely get you spanked.  Schedule periodic "check-ins" at least once a week to talk about whether any of those offenses have occurred since the last session.  Agree that if any of the offenses took place, you WILL be spanked, period. 

There is no system that will work for everyone, and I'm sure some wives will simply never be able to see this kind of relationship as anything but deviant.  In fact, I think the only way DD can really succeed is if both parties are open to at least a little deviance, there is already a strong foundation of trust, and there must be a real interest in making the relationship stronger.

Good luck to all those men (and women) who want this kind of relationship and are ready to try to get it.  But, as I've said before, be careful what you wish for.  You just might get it!

Tools of the Trade

So, you have both decided you want a domestic discipline relationship.  After sketching out the framework of your new arrangement, the next step is getting a tool or two to actually make it happen.   

           Hair and Bath Brushes

As described above, after my wife agreed to try using spanking for discipline, her first order was to buy and bring home an appropriate hairbrush.

That a hairbrush was her first tool of choice wasn't an accident, as it was highly recommended, and appeared in most of the stories, on the Disciplinary Wives Club website.

The problem is, a heavy wood hairbrush is not so easy to find these days.  I spent well over an hour walking around our local shopping mall, trying to find one.  I finally found one that was serviceable for a first tool, but it was really too light for hard punishment spanking.

I later found one of those iconic heavy, ebony colored, wooden hairbrushes on eBay, and that does seem to be the best source for them these days.  In addition to vintage hairbrushes, you might search for wooden clothes brushes, which tend to be heavier than hairbrushes and have longer handles.

Speaking of brushes that are heavier and have longer handles, at some point we graduated from even the heavy ebony hairbrush. These days, my wife's "go to" instrument is a long-handled bath brush.  The Body Shop chain store has long stocked very solid ones, and based on some of the comments on the website, I kind of suspect more of them are applied to backsides than backs and shoulders.  

One major advantage of hairbrushes and bath brushes is that they can be left out in the open without attracting much attention.  My wife commonly leaves hers out on the counter in our master bathroom, where no vanilla visitor would make anything of it, but it is a stark reminder to me every time I walk into that room.

          Paddles

Next, if you are into serious domestic discipline, you are almost certainly going to want at least one larger paddle for more serious punishment - what we sometimes refer to as a "stand-up session". 

When we first started DD, one had to search on-line at a specialty shop for a decent quality wooden paddle. Today, Etsy is a great place to find a wide selection of paddles, with a wide selection of vendors selling a variety of paddles to fit the budget conscious up to custom paddles in exotic woods, in every shape and size. 

Although a budget paddle will get the job done, this is an area where I would advise spending the money to get something not only serviceable, but attractive.  I would advise getting a quality paddle made of hardwood such as oak, hickory, or walnut. I prefer a length between 18 and 22 inches. Narrower paddles will sting more; wider paddles have more of a "thud".  Personally I prefer at least 4 inches wide.  Holes certainly make the paddle look more fearsome, and they can cause additional abrasion or blistering, which you may or may not see as a good thing.  

          Straps

Straps come in almost endless varieties and levels of severity.  My favorite source is a company called The London Tanners.  Their stuff is expensive but incredibly high quality.  For something that packs a strong wallop but is manageable for the spanker, I prefer something like their Domestic Discipline strap, which is about 20 inches long and 2.5 inches wide.

Many aren't going to want to splurge on a strap like this, but I'm showing it mainly so you can see the style and shape. You can find cheaper but good-quality straps at various shops on Etsy.

        Canes

Many experienced disciplinarians love the cane, and it is an iconic instrument, though for some reason, my wife has never really liked it. If you do want to explore canes, a good source is the online store Cane-iac.  They also have a tutorial on how to use a cane effectively.

How Hard is Hard Enough?

As Aunt Kay of the Disciplinary Wives Club used to say in her Tips & Methods section, "A spanking should be an event to remember."  

Those of uswho grew up in homes, or attended schools in certain areas of the country, where corporal punishment was the norm, likely heard some variation on, "You are going to be feeling this every time you sit down for a week."

While disciplinary relationships may (or may not) have erotic overtones, a true disciplinary spanking is not at all the same as an erotic spanking.  The entire point is for it to hurt.  A lot.

A punishment spanking is just that. Punishment.  It needs to be severe enough to make him really want to avoid a similar experience in the future, while leaving her feeling empowered and fully vindicated.

"But, I'm worried I may hurt him."  Many disciplinary wives have similar reservations, especially in the beginning.  But remember, he has asked for this, in more ways than one.  If a part of him didn't want to be over your lap or draped over the bed waiting for your paddle or strap, he wouldn't be there.  

True disciplined husbands have a need to turn over control to you, to submit to your authority, even if it means getting spanked literally to tears.  And, while he may howl and plead during the spanking, part of him not only wants but needs it to be hard.  His biggest fear, and most secret desire, may be that you find that place of power inside yourself that allows you to "Woman UP" and deliver a true disciplinary spanking.  

Always remember, he has either asked you to have this kind of relationship, or he has submitted willingly to it.  And, if the spankings are being used for true disciplinary purposes, he should be able to avoid all or most of them by simply improving his behavior.  So, don't feel sorry for him as he wails and pleads. 

Again, as Aunt Kay said,  "When you let him up, his eyes should be wet with tears, his knees should be quivering, and it should be obvious by looking at his bottom that he is displaying the marks left after a GOOD session."  

If you give a disciplinary spanking the way it should be given, the results are likely to show for several days, and he definitely should be feeling it every time he sits down for at least a day or two.  Particularly when you are first starting out, bottoms may easily mark and bruise.  It not only can happen, with a truly disciplinary spanking it almost certainly will.  

One note of caution.  The area that will be on the receiving end of the spanking--his bottom--is close to some very vulnerable areas, particularly the tailbone.  An injury to the tailbone is excruciating and can be very difficult to heal.  While smacks to the back of the thighs may be helpful in bringing about submission in a struggling husband who is finding it difficult to cooperate with his punishment, the spanking should focus on the thick "sit spot" area of his bottom. 

It should NEVER include the lower back or the very top of the buttocks near the tailbone and spine.  That is why, even though you may later choose to employ more serious implements, building your control and confidence with easily controlled instruments, such as a belt or hairbrush, is preferable in the early stages.   

Use Your Words

As a Disciplinary Wife gets more and more confident in exercising her power, that power may increasingly be expressed verbally.  Perhaps even publicly.  Using "power words" and phrases--words words that convey authority and purpose--can help internalize and solidify those powerful feelings.  

Here are some suggestions from real-life disciplinary wives.

 

"I'll give you something to cry about.

"You know what you did, and you're getting a spanking for it as soon as I get home."

"You aren't going to be able to sit for a week once I'm done with you."

"Understood?"

"Did you hear what I said?"

"Not as sorry as you are going to be."

"I am going to blister your behind."

"I am going to set your bottom on fire."

"I know you're sorry, but you are going to be much sorrier.

"I bet you will be good - after I finish blistering your behind."

"I sure hope you won't do it again. God help you if you do."

"Stop? Oh no, dear, we're just getting started."

"You really should be ashamed that I'm having to paddle your behind like this. Will you ever grow up?"

"Of course it hurts. It's a spanking. It's supposed to hurt!"

"There are no limits on my authority to spank you, anytime, anyplace for any reason –got that."

"Do you want me to take you upstairs and pull your pants down?"

"I don't have any problem pulling over to the side of the road and spanking you right here."

"One more word and I will ..."

"You are going to get such a sore bottom when we get home."

"Really?  Really?"

"Assume the position."

"I promise this is going to be ass blistering that you won't soon forget for a long time." 

"Go cut me a switch."