Sunday, January 31, 2021

The Club - Ebbs & Flows and Getting Back on Track

“Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.” - Harry Day


Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline. I hope you all had a good week.


Mine was pretty sedate.  Much more so than the week before. I can’t say I got very much accomplished, though I didn’t really intend to.  I did fall off the wagon on my Dry January, but not in a big way and mostly because we had guests and I didn’t want to be a bad host or the odd man out. Also, the plain fact is that after about 24 days of sobriety, I had to ask myself what I really was accomplishing.  People rave about how much better they feel after a few weeks of  teetotaling, but I didn’t feel one bit better, and my sleep actually seemed to be worse.  So, I'm not going to beat myself up to much for quitting four or five days early.


The almost month-long dry spell is, however, just one aspect of what has been a nice streak of good behavior.  I’ve been eating pretty cleanly and in conformity with my overall diet plan.  Although recovery from the injury I had fixed before the New Year still is a work in progress and limits how hard I can go, I have been inching my way back into a gym routine, focusing on getting strength back but without overdoing it. My body weight is down substantially from a year ago at this time, and it seems to be relatively stable. I went through a period a few weeks ago in which my sleep got really bad; I kept waking up at 3:00 or 4:00 am every morning and couldn't get back to sleep.  But, I seem to have gotten past that and, with the help of a regular meditation routine, I am back to sleeping pretty well.  So, things are looking good at the moment. But, as I was preparing for this week’s topic, I came across this quote from early in 2019:


Paradoxically, despite tripping up on that resolution right at the outset of the new year, and despite 2019 seemingly heading off in a very different direction than I had planned, I’m feeling pretty good about things.  I’ve been exercising regularly. My diet has been pretty consistently healthy.  My strength and overall health are quite a bit better than this time last year.  I’ve always been a chronic insomniac and, yet, I’ve been sleeping surprisingly well lately.  Part of this seemingly well-balanced internal state is probably the after-glow of a vacation, but some is also attributable to conscious choices, like meditating more and trying to take every day slightly less seriously.  It seems to be working.


So, 2019 began with a lot of hope, but by the end of that year I was a physical and mental wreck, exhausted from too much travel, too much responsibility, too much stress, too little sleep, and too many bad choices.  So, while I like the current trend, I’m pretty cognizant of the need to make health a conscious choice and a priority.  I feel like I could screw it up pretty easily, though not so much by yielding to any  temptation to do “bad” things but, rather, because I am feeling cooped up and am longing for some physical exertion even though my recovering body parts really aren’t ready for that.  Patience is really not my strong suit, and I could pretty easily screw myself in the long run by pushing things too fast and too hard right now.  Fortunately, while the weather outside looks pretty tempting with bright, sunny skies the last few days, it’s deceptively cold. So, as much as I may want to go on a long hike or ride, it would not be a comfortable option.



So, what does that introduction have to do with Domestic Discipline? Perhaps a lot.  The above quote from 2019 was part of a topic on “ebbs and flows” with respect to interest in DD, and I went on to comment that because I was on a good trend and feeling pretty well and in control, I was experiencing a drop-off in my interest in being “taken in hand.” As I noted at that time: “My perceived need for discipline and boundaries and giving up control are inversely correlated with how calm and balanced I feel at that particular point in time.”


Except, this time, that doesn’t seem to be the case.  I did lose all interest in DD and FLR at the end of the year and that carried into the first couple of weeks of 2021, but that was more about physical recovery and the pain and drugs associated with that.  It also was the holidays, with all the distractions those entail, and I also got more than a little distracted by presidential politics surrounding the election and its aftermath.  But, now that those distractions are largely behind me, I find myself thinking more and more about our DD lifestyle and, frankly, wanting it back after this very long hiatus.  And, it has been a long one.  I think my last real spanking was in mid-October. Now, a comment like that would, in the ordinary course of things, be followed with something like, “not that I haven’t deserved one.” But, this time, there really hasn’t been much in the way of what I would consider truly bad behavior. So, there has not been any real need for her to impose boundaries or get out the paddle to send a message.


And, yet, I find myself wanting to be back under her control.  Early in the year, when my interest really was at a low ebb, I began asking myself whether we had perhaps moved past the DD and FLR thing entirely. Then, the first time we had sex after several weeks in which my recovery didn’t really allow for it, she kind of took control physically, grabbing my hair, pinching and playing with my nipples, etc.  It wasn’t so much the specific sexual moves, but just the whole attitude involved in asserting control over my body. 


In an instant, I knew that, no, I had not moved past my interest in being subject to her control and, in fact, wanted her to amp it up.


That’s where I am this week too, but it’s kind of a conundrum.  It isn’t just the FLR aspects of her control that are on my mind.  Rather, part of me wants her to show that control by spanking me.  Yet, like I said, I haven’t really done much to deserve one.  I could intentionally misbehave, but bratting seems very manipulative, so I don’t really want to go there.  I could just ask for one, and perhaps I will. But, that would be a fairly big change in direction for us.   



Our dynamic has really always been about accountability, with spankings directed to addressing particular offenses. This phase I’m going through, however, makes me wonder whether things have shifted a bit for me in terms of motivation.  I always wondered how my desires for discipline might change when either my behavior improved substantially or life slowed down and my stress level dropped.  I always assumed that my needs and desires around discipline might drop or just go away under those circumstances.  Yet, here I am feeling the opposite of that despite a pretty long period of good behavior and lower stress.  So, maybe even if my original motivation was inextricably linked with accountability and punishment, maybe now those are more a means to the larger end of being under someone else's control and direction?  I honestly don't know at this point.


The whole thing reminds me a little of a story from the Disciplinary Wives Club that I’ve referenced before, called Even More.  That particular story’s appeal has always been a bit odd to me, because in general I’ve always been driven by the idea of “imposed” discipline, including the disciplinary relationship itself being imposed by the wife whether the husband likes it or not.  Yet, in Even More, the husband stumbles upon the DWC website, shows it to his wife, then when she asks whether it is something he really wants, he tentatively admits it is something he would like to try. 


That part of the story pretty closely parallels what actually happened in my case.  In the story, at the point he admits he wants to experience a real punishment spanking, he has not really done anything wrong.  But, over dinner at a restaurant that night, they put together a list of “spankable” offenses.  As soon as they get back f, he inadvertently commits one of those offenses, namely the iconic leaving up of the toilet seat.  She orders a spanking, he gets cold feet when faced with the reality of the spanking he had so recently said he wanted, but she remains resolute and gives him one anyway. While the offense itself was pretty trivial, she gives him a very hard spanking, just to let him know the reality of the relationship he had been asking for.


In our own relationship, I drove the process of the first spanking a little more than she did.  After I showed her the DWC website, she agreed to give it a try and instructed me to buy her a hairbrush. I did, though I had a hard time finding one that was suitable, and even after shopping for a couple of hours, the one I ultimately bought was pretty flimsy.  I presented it to her that night.  We were both very embarrassed, now that reality was setting in.  While I hadn’t really done anything to be punished for, I asked her to go ahead and give me one, because I was afraid that if we didn’t act then and there, it might not happen at all.  So, she gave me one, OTK with the brush.  Unlike the spanking in Even More, it was not particularly hard, but it did get the ball rolling.  I’m wondering whether I need to treat this long hiatus as a kind of reset, which might require me suggesting a spanking—earned or not—to get us back on track.


I also recognize that, if my past track record is any indication, it's pretty unlikely that my streak of good behavior won't be broken sometime soon.  So, we probably are talking only about how to get things started again in the meantime.  It's also true that she might start focusing on "smaller" things that have always been on the table as "spankable" but that have been the subject of surprisingly few actual spankings.  For example, I know that I still have a tendency toward arrogance, and I don't always speak to her as respectfully as  I should.  Dealing with the disrespect issue alone would probably result in a sore bottom multiple times a week.



Have you ever gone through anything similar to what I’m describing?  Have you had a long-ish period in which you stopped your DD or FLR practices entirely?  Why did that happen?  What led to getting back on track?  Was there a particular incident of bad behavior that led her to impose spankings again, or did you expressly ask for a resumption of the DD lifestyle?


By the way, it isn’t lost on me that last week’s discussion drifted into a series of comments about witnesses. I experience the same fascination some of the rest of you do regarding the possibility that someone might witness or overhear a spanking.  But, we’ve done variations on the topic so many times, I’m at a loss for how to approach it in any way we haven’t done a dozen times before.  It any of you have new topic suggestions relating to witnesses, please let me know.


Have a great week.

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

The Club - Meeting 363 - M/f Dynamics

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.”

― Margaret Thatcher


Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline.



Well, another week, another week in which the political elements of the discussion outweighed the discussion of the actual blog topic.  I need to think about that more, because I’m not willing to completely stop commenting on politics and current events, but I’m also more than a little tired of getting drawn into pointless conversations. One of the few resolutions on my trimmed down list for 2021 was to stop wasting time on the 20% of people and activities that account for 80% of the time and energy I fritter away. Less than a month into the new year, I have sure failed at that one.



Though, perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Six days and a few Twitter and Facebook bans after the insurrection and the inauguration, I realized a couple of days ago that I’d gone almost a full day without once thinking about anyone named Trump.  Here’s hoping for more and more of those.


I remain in a sort of flat and uninspired place where DD is concerned, probably because it has taken me so long to recuperate from the health issues that culminated late last year that we haven’t had any real disciplinary action at home.  I sometimes feel like the epitome of “those can do, and those who can’t teach.”  But, I feel like every week brings us a little closer to normality and a return to the dynamic we were working on right before the holidays.  In the meantime, I can thank our loyal community members for bailing me out when I don’t have much inspiration to come up with a topic on my own.   



In that spirit, a couple of weeks ago, Alan suggested the following topic:


I have been perusing some M/F blogs lately and it occurred to me a topic we have not taken on directly (so I remember) is the similarities and differences between the two expressions of DD – sort of a compare and contrast discussion. Some of us have been on both sides of the paddle, so it would be interesting to hear those impressions too. Judging from internet evidence (which may not be very reliable evidence) the M/F spanking orientation is much more common and apparently many more women are interested in being spanked then are men. But as we have covered, there is undoubtedly much cultural and social conditioning at work there –so maybe that’s up for discussion too.


I don’t have much in the way of personal experience with this one, so I’m depending on all of you to chime in to the extent you do have personal anecdotes to offer.  I will note that one area in which I think there is a big difference between the two dynamics is the quality of spanking art, particularly when it comes to conveying emotions. 


Drawings depicting disciplined husbands showing real emotion before, during and after a spanking, are few and far between.  On the other hand, I think there are many great examples of spanking themed art, and some spanking pictures, in which the women show some real fear or anxiety before the spanking or some real distress while it is happening.  The men depicted in spanking art always seem to be either surprised, stoic or angry before and during a spanking.  For whatever reason, artists seem better able to show female spankees about to get a spanking and genuinely not wanting it or distressed that they just got one.

I see the same thing in spanking-themed photographs. Female spankees are simply more emotive.


I also find that despite being in a F/m dynamic exclusively, I do have strong reactions to spanking art with female spankees, though in many instances the depicted spanker is another female.  That includes art that depicts a “maternal” dynamic with a misbehaving daughter and a strict, spanking mother.  Those are so much more appealing to me than the examples I have in my collection of mothers spanking misbehaving boys.   



Those artists who deal in both dynamics seem to me to treat the subjects very differently.  For example, some of Jay Em’s art can be pretty “severe” with respect to women spanking men, while his examples with female spankees have more of a genuine “domestic” vibe.



Tomy has talked about Aunt Kay's meetings in which husbands were spanked by other wives. One could envision similar group-oriented sessions with female spankees.


 Art aside, as I said, I don’t have much personal experience with the M/f dynamic.  I do have one blogging friend who is a submissive, and from what I can see her motivations for wanting to be “taken in hand” are similar to my own.  She is very focused and directed and achievement oriented, and I think that DD brings her a sense of balance.  She has to exercise a lot of control in her professional life, and I think she enjoys some of the same relief I do at giving up some control at home.




On the more negative side, I have taken part in a few DD-related forums and Facebook groups that were heavily tilted toward the M/f dynamic, and two aspects were troubling to me.  First, many of the women seemed to have gone way beyond submission into states of unhealthy dependence.  They would wring their hands endlessly if their husbands were going out of town on business for a couple of days, talking about how hard it would be to make it without them and how terribly upsetting the prospect was of being alone.  It really did seem to me to be potentially very unhealthy. The world is a dangerous place, and spouses often find themselves unexpectedly alone. It does not seem to me to be a good thing to have a relationship that is quite that one-sided, to the point that one of the parties seems unlikely to be able to take care of themselves if the proverbial shit hits the fan.  Second, the male tops were often insufferably arrogant, which to me is an indication of inner insecurity.  It made me wonder whether they are “really” dominant, or just compensating.


I also have noticed that the “Daddy-Little Girl” dynamic is fairly prevalent in the M/f community.  I used to think that didn’t have a corollary in the F/m world, but it plainly does.  I think I was a little closed off to the Maternal element underlying some of my own disciplinary drives, and it seems to me now that maybe women in M/f dynamics are just more open and authentic about their own parental leanings.


That taps pretty much all my experience in this area.  What about you?  Have you taken part in a M/f-oriented disciplinary or D/s relationship?  Or, perhaps you have friends or relatives in that dynamic?  How is it similar to the M/f dyamic?  Are there differences?  If you have not participated in that dynamic, do you have any desire to?  Also, just to cover all bases, feel free to talk about your experience with F/f dynamics as well.


I hope you all have a great week.

Sunday, January 24, 2021

Delayed Post (Yet Again)

 Sorry folks, but I'm going to be delayed in posting.  Yet again.  Unfortunately, we have house guests, and I just don't have the private time to put a post together this weekend.

Sunday, January 17, 2021

The Club - Meeting 362 -- Lying and Consequences

"It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts." ― Mahatma Gandhi

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline.


Well, life continues to be quite the fucking mess here in the U.S., doesn’t it?  I retract my observation from a couple of weeks ago that 1968 was probably worse. 



And, while I am very glad that the FBI and law enforcement are rounding up the culprits so quickly, the ease with which they are doing it makes me a little, well, uneasy.



The insurrection at the Capitol was so fresh, I almost didn’t post again this week.  But, avoiding posting could quickly become a habit, and I don’t think I want it to.  Yet, anyway.  Belle suggested posting every other week, but I don’t think that would work, because I can’t really control the timing of events or interruptions that keep me from posting, so every other week probably would just result in my not posting twice as often.  I suspect that ZM hit on the real solution – not changing, or even increasing, the number of posts but making many of them shorter and perhaps not as topic focused.  At least that may be worth a try.


Alan suggested a possible topic, but I’m going to put it off for a week or so, because I did have something in mind.  Or, I guess a couple of things in mind that are more or less connected to the events of the last few days.  The first relates to lying.  I like the way Biden’s “Big Lie” description of Trump’s election fraud claims has really caught on.  Yes, a very substantial number of people doubt the integrity of the election – because a whole bunch of politicians and their supporters lied about it over and over and over, and did so without any real consequences. 



And, while several Trump-supporting politicians denounced the violence that ensued, I haven’t heard any of them actually apologize for the Big Lie that was at the root of it all.  If the last week illustrates anything, it is that words have consequences, and that when those words are lies, it is important for those in authority to call it out quickly and deal with it firmly.   


Otherwise, the lie takes on a life of its own.  Of course, one of the mains reasons we lie is to avoid facing the consequences that the truth often entails.  That, and our natural desire to avoid those truths we find too unpleasant to admit to, often because admitting the truth is embarrassing or undermines how we prefer to perceive ourselves.


Those were the two themes on my mind coming into this weekend.  First, lying and its insidious effect.  Second, our tendency to lie, whether affirmatively or by omission, to avoid consequences or unpleasant truths. 


For my part, I have lied to avoid consequences, including getting spanked.  Though, the lies in that category tend to be pretty trivial, and in most cases I know she doesn’t believe me anyway.  Like if she asks how many drinks I had at happy hour and I reply “one,” when we both know it was more like three or four.  It’s almost like a shared joke when I tell her something both of us know is not true.  But, there are other times when I really am fairly ashamed of my behavior or mad at myself for not living up to a standard or rule, whether set by her or by me.  I think my efforts at self-reporting tend to fail for that reason; it’s not that I am that concerned about avoiding a spanking but, rather, don’t like documenting failures that are embarrassing to admit, whether notable because of their severity, volume or frequency. 



This is another area where certainty and immediacy of consequences would seem to have a big role in nipping the bad behavior in the bud.  Despite the fact that we both know I’ve lied about my behavior with some regularity, and despite the many failures to carry through on any kind of self-reporting routine, I don’t think I have ever actually been spanked for the lie or for not reporting some piece of bad behavior.  Especially in light of this week’s events, that kind of seems like a mistake.  Maybe one she should think about adding to this year’s list of resolutions.



How about you?  Have you ever been spanked, or given a spanking, for lying?  Was the lie about behavior that was itself “spankable,” or about something else?  Is lying itself against an express rule in your household?  For the men, if you have lied to get out of a spanking successfully, were you happy or disappointed when it worked? If the husband gets caught in a lie, are there additional or more severe consequences than there would have been for the behavior itself?


I hope you all have a great week, and I hope you step in and slap down anyone you hear spreading the Big Lie. This shit has to stop.

Sunday, January 10, 2021

No Post

Hi all.  I had planned on posting, but then along came the events of this fucked up week.  The funny thing is, for the first time in weeks, I had been feeling some interest in Domestic Discipline and FLR and was looking forward to getting 2021 off to a good start.  But, somehow, posting about DD seems too trivial for this moment. If the mood strikes me, maybe I'll post later in the week.  If not, see you next week if the world doesn't fall apart in the meantime.