Friday, January 30, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 75

Hi all, and welcome to the weekend.   I'm posting this week's edition a bit early, because I am going to be out much of tomorrow and didn't want to leave anyone wondering, "Where the hell is he and where is my weekly fix of the Disciplined Husband's Forum?"

That was an intersting discussion last week. I can't say I know much more than I did before about whether or not most readers are subject to their wive's authority to such an extent that if she did order disclosure that he is a spanked husband, he would comply.  But, I know that virtually all of them who aren't already "out" think it is a bad idea and are really good at dodging the question on whether they would comply even if their wife were to deicide it really isn't such a bad idea.  :-)  So, let's chalk that topic up to an interesting idea that failed miserably in its implementation.

This week's topic relates to the most recently closed reader poll, which sought information on whether readers were spanked when growing up and, if so, how often and by whom.  This poll seemed to interest people a bit, as indicated by a fairly high response rate and by the fact that a large number of responses were entered shortly after I posted the poll.  Here are the results:

Spanked frequently
  19 (14%)
Spanked but only infrenquently
  69 (53%)
Never spanked
  31 (24%)
Spanked by mother/not by father
  26 (20%)
Spaned by father/not by mother
  14 (10%)
Spanked by both
  35 (27%)

I really did not have many preconceived notions about this one, and nothing in the results really surprises me that much.  Substantially more than half the responders were spanked to one extent or another, though only 14% were spanked frequently.  A healthy proportion, almost a full quarter of our viewers, were never spanekd at all.  Interestingly, the burdens of imposing discipline seem to fall somewhat harder on mothers than fathers, though a large number were spanked by both.

It should be obvious what I was trying to get at with this poll.  I wanted to see whether there was any clear link between being spanked growing up and being interested in it as an adult.  From these stats, I think it would be hard to make that leap.  So, since the data doesn't seem to go anywhere, how about the anecdotal evidence?  Do you think your own early experiences being disciplined lead to your adult interest in having it imposed on you, or for our Disciplinary Wives, your interest in imposing it on your husband?

I can see this one going either way, and my own experience seems somewhat at odds with any speculation that being spanked growing up tends to make you interested in it as an adult.  I was, in fact, spanked but not often.  I can only think of two or three total.  I'm sure there were more, but none worth remembering.  And, some of those that I do remember are enshrined in my memory more because of thebehavior that lead to them than the spanking itself.  But, it is also true that where I lived, spanking was just part of the background environment we were all raised in.  Parents spanked.  Teachers and principals spanked.  School spankings were actually the worst on several levels, because in addition to the primary spanking at school, conducted with the full knowledge of one's peers, one could often expect another licking at home as further piling on just to make sure the lesson about not acting up in school came through loud and clear.  Aunts and uncles spanked their nephews and nieces with just as much frequency and just as little sense of impropriety as with their own kids. So, while I don't recall being spanked very often, it was always in the background.

But, I do wonder sometimes whether the lack of regular spankings, and general lack of any kind of imposed discipline, especially any as I got older, did indirectly cause my later interest in DD.  As I recently related in a comment on another blog, I grew up without clear behavioral boundaries, to the point that by the time I was in high school I was, for all intents and purposes, living almost entirely by own rules.   Teenage boy's wet dream, right? Somtimes, but at a cost.  When there are no rules, and where the only consequences are those that are the natural result of your own behavior, that can be a lot of responsibility.  No one is there to literally whip you back into shape and put you on the right side of the line, so you either do it yourself, or keep doing whatever you're doing and hope catastrophe doesn't strike.  I do think that my adult desire for someone to impose consequences on me when I screw up may be tied to having too much freedom and suffering too few consequences early on.  I think it also may be why on the spectrum of being interested in spanking for its own sake versus seeing it as a tool to be used for larger disciplinary purposes, my inclinations are toward the latter.  But, of course, none of this explains why I had no interest at all in either spanking or DD unti well into my 30s, other than I had never really heard of DD until then.  And, my first glimmer of interest in this area involved a segment on a cable TV show about adult spanking, but not of the DD variety.  So, it is all very complicated.

So, tell us your thoughts on this.  I will ask of all of you, please self-censor where details are concerned.  There are undoubtedly people out there who get turned on by spankings of the non-adult variety, and I definitely do not want anything on here to faciliate that in any way.    


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

New Blog Recommendation


It is a little depressing how few blogs there are out there that explore DD themes from the female perspective in the context of a F/m DD or FLR relationship.  For years, the Disciplinary Wives Club was about it.  There are plenty of blogs out there serving the Femdom community, a few FLR blogs though damn few authored by women, and very few that explore both FLR and DD, particularly within the context of real relationships.

But, one of our more recent commenters, Rhiannon, has a wonderful new blog that I hope you all will explore.  You will find a link on my sidebar to Learing and Living an FLR.  It is entertaining, incredibly intelligent and has, in its very short existence, raised a plethora of interesting relationship questions and issues.  I encourage all of you to drop by and say "hi," and welcom Rhiannon to the DD blogger community.


Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 74

Happy Saturday all.  I hope you had a great week.  We had another great conversation last week, though it went in a direction very different from what I anticipated.  And, it was a rather telling one.  The topic was alternative punishments.  More specifically, alternatives to spanking.  I assumed we would have a lot of suggestions for alternatives, lots of stories about being subjected to various non-spanking forms of discipline, and maybe the seemingly inevitable tangential discussion around chastity.  But, very little of that actually happened.  Instead, the surprisingly strong consensus seemed to be a lack of interest in alternatives, and a strong desire to make spanking the exclusive means of discipline.  This seems to me to have inadvertently answered a question I have thrown out there in various ways in past posts, namely to what extent is discipline--changing behavior--the motivating factor in these relationships versus an interest in spanking that is as much an end as a means.  Clearly, each relationship has its own position in that spectrum, but I was surprised at just how vigorous and numerous were the viewpoints that spanking is not only central to the DD relationship, but that alternatives might be counter-productive.

Anyway, it was a good discussion, and there was another aspect of it that caught  my attention.  When one commenter reacts to another commenter on this blog, they are often forced to preface it with something to the effect of, "I am responding to the anonymous commenter who said . . ."  If there is anything that is clear about our Forum participants, it is that--with a few exceptions like the Merrys--we place an extraordinary value on our anonymity.  A very large majority still post without using even a fake profile and, to my knowledge, we have only one reader who maintains a blog that uses her real picture in that profile such that, for all intents and purposes she is "out" as being on the receiving end of a spanking relationship.  And, there is nothing at all wrong with any of this, and this post is in no way meant to challenge it.  If anonymity is the grease that keeps the conversation going for all of us, then the more of it the better.

But, this week's question asks you to engage in a bit of "what if" exploration, that also may again test a bit the extent to which some of us talk a good game about submitting to our wife's authority. The question is, what if your partner told you they wanted to be more openly in charge?  What if they told you that they want it be clear to anyone who is watching and interested that she wears the pants?  Not necessarily a public announcement that you are in an FLR relationship, but outward actions that leave no doubt about it. And, what if that included her disclosing to anyone she chooses that she spanks you?

How would you react?  Would there be some groups you would be OK coming out to, but not others?  And, which of those do you find more discomforting (to the extent you do find this topic discomforting), the prospect of being outed as being in a relationship led by your spouse and in which you are the junior party, or being outed as being spanked?  That distinction may itself be telling about where we think our society is in terms of both gender equality and openness to kink because, it says a lot if people are coming to see spanking as socially acceptable but there is still a stigma around a man taking second place to his wife in the decision-making hierarchy.

Speaking for my own relationship, as a practical matter, I don't think either of us is ready for being truly open about the DD aspects of our relationships, or the FLR aspects to the extent we really are practicing FLR.  But, pracicality and real life likelihood really weren't part of my question, were they? The question was, "What if your spouse TOLD you that THEY WANT to be open about it?"  What if this were the direction that your partner--the partner who some of you have agreed will act as head of your household and exercise final decision making authority--told you that this is what she wants and that she expects you to comply?" Would you do it?

For myself, it would make the decision quite a lot easier if two groups could be magically walled off from the disclosure: work colleagues and my parents.   On the workplace issue, given the profession I am in, I do think there could be a significant downside for my career if it were commonly known that my wife spanks me for disciplinary purposes.  Yet, paradoxically, a comment by Anna a few weeks ago about the feedback she gets from some of Peter's work colleagues about his behavior in that venue left me really wishing that such feedback were available to my wife, because work related temper problems and an unwillingness to submit to authority have definitely had a negative impact on my upward progress.  So, while I find the idea of being outed in any way in that context extremely upsetting, I also recognize that not being out about it also has a negative consequence.

Now, again, as a practical matter, it is very unlikely that my wife would ever "out" our disciplinary relationship. But, again, for this week's topic, we're not dealing in reality.  We are playing a game of "what if . . ."  So, let's explore that a bit.

Have  a great week.


Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 73

Good morning everyone.  Is it just me, or did we have a great discussion last week?  When we only had two comments by Saturday night, I thought perhaps it was another that I found interesting but no one else did, but once it got some momentum, it was great. I hope you had a great week. 

While our weekly discussion was great, the week itself left me tired.  And, some of that was my own fault.  I had a business trip, including meeting a customer for a "a drink" and then "a" drink turned into several.  It wasn't hugely excessive, but it was enough to leave me tired, cranky and off my game,  Therefore, I will be self-reporting to Disciplinary Wife tonight and, assuming no distractions or interruptions, my bottom will be paying the price in the form of her stern discipline, to make up for my own lack of self-discipline.

So, while spanking may be on my mind most of the day as I think about what awaits me, this week's topic covers everything but spanking.  Specifically, let's talk about the role that other forms of punishment can play in DD.  I don't really have a lot to add to this conversation, at least in terms of actual experience.  Disciplinary Wife and I have talked from time to time about exploring non-corporal punishments, but she has never really followed through.  The one we talk about most often is the possibility of her "grounding" me, like we sometimes did as punishment for our own kids.  Because we've never followed up on it, the parameters of such punishment have always been left somewhat vague, but it might mean something like barring me from socializing with work colleagues for some period of time,  Something along those lines.

What about you?  Have you and your partner implemented any non-spanking punishments?  Tell us all about them.   I'd also be curious to hear whether they have been more or less effective than spanking in effecting real change.  It has occurred to me that, in my particular case, they might actually prove more effective than a hard paddling, because as we discussed last week, I really, really hate the "service submission" thing,  So, perhaps making me do a tedious chore for some period of time, or serve her in some particularly annoying or humiliating way.

Even if you have not been subjected to any such punishments, let's put those creative minds to work coming up with some ideas that might be explored.

I hope you all have a great week.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 72

Hello all.  Well, have we all gotten back into the swing of things after the holidays?  I'm not quite there yet, but all good things must end.

This week's topic touches on some things we've talked about before, but I don't think I've presented it quite this way before and, even if I have, I now have a new personal context for it.  The question is:  As you have handed over more control or authority to your spouse as part of Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship, have they ever taken things in a direction you didn't anticipate, were not ready for, or didn't like?

I raise this now, because it has happened in my own relationship over the last few months.  As I have alluded to a few times, last year we talked about exploring something a little closer to an FLR relationship, with her exercising more dominance on a daily basis and in areas that didn't really have anything to do with correcting bad behavior.  It does not come naturally for me but, of course, if I enjoyed it then it woudn't really be an act of submission to her control  -- it would just be something that fills my own needs or desires.  But, my wife, on the other hand, is displaying signs of liking the "service" aspect of FLR, so there is a good likelihood that she will keep it up. thereby making 2015 a challenging year for me.

How about everyone else?  Tell us about any instance in which your spouse took the relationship in a direction you weren't really prepared for or had a hard time accepting.

I hope you have a great week.


Saturday, January 3, 2015

DWC Update and a New Reader Poll

For those who are interested, an anonymous commenter left an update on one of my previous posts bemoaning the loss of the Disciplinary Wives Club website when it was taken down.  It appears that it is back up and running, and available at:

I've also posted a new poll.  This seeks to get at the extent to which being spanked when we were growing up correlates with adult interest in spanking and discipline.