Sunday, October 24, 2021

The Club - Meeting 387 - Community, Reporting, Asking for It, Etc.

“Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!” ― Jillian Michaels


Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week.



Finally, Halloween weekend!  I can’t wait for it, yet as with Christmas, I am sure I will be sorry to see it go.  I hope those of you in countries that celebrate it have a great time.  I’ve even looking forward to handing out candy to trick-or-treaters this year, since last year we got virtually none thanks to Covid.



I thought we had a good, wide-ranging discussion last week.  It seems like we do always find new angles from which to address the topics of witnesses and others knowing. I do want to thank Alan for telling us about the two instances in which others have overheard one of his spankings.  I had been in a bit of a funk where DD was concerned, and his story of his girlfriend and a friend coming home from shopping and his girlfriend sending upstairs for a spanking really was, for me, quite arousing.  I even told my wife about it, as an example of the level of control or openness that I find both fascinating and scary.  So, Alan, thanks for sharing.


I also need to reflect more on the general topic of openness and the associated concept of community.  Caged Lion brought up the community aspect of some kinky practices:


I think that one of the appeals of the DWC was the opportunity share and validate disciplinary experiences. I spent many years as an active member of an in-person BDSM organization. It felt good to be among "my" people. We are social animals. DD is an isolating experience. Sex isn't because even though we don't share it with others, we all know everyone does "it."


That's far from the reality for those of us who practice DD. It would be nice to have a community, no matter how small, to validate our practices. In my capacity as a member of BDSM organizations, I've spanked and have been spanked in front of others many times. I never thought about the people watching while I was in the scene. It felt good that my kink was validated by others (lots of others!).


ZM concurred, but also pointed out the limitations of this current blog when it comes to community building:


[I]t would be great to have some sort of community to validate our practices. We do have that here, but the anonymous, virtual nature of it does take away somewhat compared to live human interaction.


Believe me, I too feel the desire for more community and am acutely aware of the blog’s limitations in bringing one about.  A few years back, I had an email exchange with Aunt Kay of the Disciplinary Wives Club, and I still recall her describing its get-togethers as being fun precisely because they were a “naughty shared secret.”  I also admit to getting very aroused when Tomy has shared stories about being sent to another wife for a spanking or when other husbands were sent to Aunt Kay.  Even without something that participatory, it would just be nice to have more genuine human contact around this whole thing, and it is clear that the thing that most gets in the way of that is our collective desire for anonymity.  The reason Aunt Kay and Tomy were able to foster something deeper is, as far as I can tell, because they were willing to give up anonymity and simply trust others a bit. 


I’m not really sure where I’ll take this desire for community over time.  Perhaps nowhere, as I haven’t gotten any signal from Anne that she has some burning desire to be more open about this, though perhaps one helpful development is that since buying her new bath brush, she has taken to leaving both it and the ebony hairbrush on very open display on the countertop in our bathroom.  We had been leaving the hairbrush out for a while, but there was little about a hairbrush on display where one would normally use a hairbrush that was likely to draw attention.  The two brushes together, and the bath brush several feet away from the shower and bathtub, seem far more likely to get a quizzical reaction from anyone who might see them. Of course, the only one likely to see them would be one of the kids, but that in itself is evidence of Anne getting a bit more risqué in allowing others a veiled glimpse into this side of our relationship.  As ZM’s recent adventures with openness demonstrate, you never know what will happen once even a small change starts to happen.


In that vein, it’s funny how much can change in a week. In last week’s post, I admitted to feeling pretty uninspired by blogging and even about DD itself.  That happens from time to time, but I really was starting to wonder whether we had hit some inflection point and that going forward it might not be as big a thing for us.  Yet, for no apparent reason it came surging back this week with a vengeance.  Well, it’s not quite true that it was for no reason. I do think that Alan’s stories about overheard spankings partially triggered some renewed interest.  A friend of mine in a M/f dynamic also let me know that after an unavoidable hiatus, she and her husband recently got back on track. 



Further, I think my need for accountability once again asserted itself once it had something to react to.  As I reported last week, my behavior has improved in major ways over the last year. But, over the last couple of weeks, there were a couple of incidents that suggested things might be drifting, or at least that things could if some of the behavior wasn’t nipped in the bud.  It was on my mind last week, to such an extent that I was on the verge of asking her for a spanking.  But, we had some unanticipated family get-togethers that got in the way, though it still stayed on my mind.  Another big impediment was simply inertia. Once you get out of the habit of actually doing DD or communicating about it, it can be surprisingly hard (for me at least) to just suddenly raise it, particularly since in doing so I essentially would be outright asking for a spanking that I clearly need but still don’t want.


Then, this week there was another incident that indicated some slippage, and I finally did “man up” and approach Anne, in the form of a journal entry.  I called out the pattern I was seeing, but I went beyond suggesting a spanking to get back on course.  Instead, I owned up to the fact that the whole DD aspect of our relationship had drifted, and I told her I felt like to get it back on track we might need to go back to some of the structure we imposed very early on, including more formalized reporting.


Many years ago, when we were trying to move DD from a somewhat sporadic experiment to more of an ongoing relationship feature, I had instituted a form of weekly communication that now seems almost laughably cryptic and paranoia-induced.  One obviously simple form of reporting was to simply send her an email each week, reminding her to think about whether there was anything she wanted to address and self-reporting any bad behavior that I felt she probably should address.   


The problem was, Anne has a habit of not deleting emails, and I was so paranoid about others finding out (see above discussion about impediments to openness), that I used a very cryptic euphemism in the header for the topic of DD spanking and I seldom listed any actual behavior at issue.  As silly as it seems to me today, I was that concerned that someone might hack or email or just accidentally see something in an open inbox.  The result was that it seldom really prodded her to action, and I often neglected to send it, particularly when I really deserved a spanking but really wanted to avoid it.



Anyway, this week I decided to dust off that old process.  I told her in the journal that I want to start sending her those reminders weekly, but this time I will be required to expressly list out any behavioral issues and to state expressly and frankly whether, in my own opinion, I should be spanked. I also suggested that if I fail to send an email, that should result in a separate spanking for failing to report.


This system is about as simple as can be, and I do think that some of my previous failures to implement real reporting and check-ins were the result of trying to do too much.  I also recognize that I am laying a pretty embarrassing paper trail in the very unlikely event that someone were to get into her email. But, I’ve decided I can live with that.  In fact, I see it as a way of making myself feel more vulnerable and under her control, which was something else some of you (Danielle and ZM in particular) talked about last week.   



It also fits in with me trying to be more open in general with her about some of what is going on in my head and other body parts, including being honest about some other fantasies and kinks that I might never want to try in real life but do kind of want her to know about.



The new system has been in place for a whopping two days, but so far so good.  Yesterday morning I sent her the required email, and it stated expressly that yes, I should be spanked for the trend in bad conduct over the last couple of weeks. This morning, she had to leave for something that was going to keep us apart for the rest of today.  Shortly before she left and as she was packing up to go, she announced matter-of-factly that she was going to take care of my spanking before leaving.  She then proceeded to put me over her knee and give me a short but effective spanking with her bath brush.


I don’t have any formal topics related to all this, so feel free to discuss anything that resonates with you. And, again, Happy Halloween!



Monday, October 18, 2021

The Club - Meeting #386 - Others

“A man who can't bear to share his habits is a man who needs to quit them.” ― Stephen King, The Dark Tower


Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  



I’m still really loving this time of year.  The trees have mostly turned where we live, and morning walks with the dogs have taken on a whole new luster. Also, is it just me, or did people put up Halloween decorations much earlier this year?  It seems like the Halloween holiday used to be a pretty time-bound event, with decorations staying up for only a few days around October 31st.  This year, however, in our neighborhood a whole slew of people put outdoor decorations up on October 1st or thereabouts.  Personally, I love that it and hope people do the same next year. 


We have not, however, been invited to any live Halloween events this year – perhaps such gatherings are still victims of Covid restrictions?  We also don’t have many people in our social circle who are into the kind of social events that could make Halloween even more fun as an adult that it was as a kid.


 I’m sorry for not posting again last week.  I was busy with some other stuff over the weekend, though in the interests of full disclosure, I also just did not have much interest in posting anything DD-related.  It isn’t uncommon for me to lose all interest in DD and blogging, but it seems like the cycles used to last longer.  I would be intensely interested for many weeks but then might hit a month-long dry spell. This year, it seems like I’m interested for a week or two then completely lose interest for a week.  Part of the issue may be that I simply don’t need DD as much right now, in two related senses. About this time last year, I hit what may have been a big inflection point where dysfunctional behavior was concerned.  I was coming of a hugely stressful period at work, then started setting the stage for a major career transition, and thanks to Covid it was a rare day that someone didn’t schedule a virtual happy in order to foster a continuing sense of “team” while everyone was working from home.  I also was dealing with a painful, chronic health issue.  It all added up to frequent bad behavior that meant I needed DD in the sense of I richly deserved it.  And, since my particular DD interest is heavily driven by accountability and exceeding boundaries, my subjective, internal need for DD and the structure it imposes also was running high. Now, however, the converse is true.  My behavior is WAY better than it was this time last year, so she feels less need to initiate any kind of correction, and I’m not doing nearly as many bad things that would result in me wanting to be held accountable.  Unfortunately, that also sometimes translates into a declining interest not just in DD but in DD blogging.  Anyway, we’ll just have to see how that develops over time.


I hope that you all have been tracking some of the developments in ZM’s relationship, particularly that (a) his wife opened up more or less fully to a friend that he is spanked and that it is discipline, not kink; and (b) there is a real prospect of him being spanked in front of a witness at some point.  It has been feeding into him being, as he describes it, “almost obsessive about wanting someone to know about” his DD activities.


I definitely understand being obsessed about DD and/or certain DD topics.  When I first discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club, it became an instant obsession, as did telling my wife about it.  After we started experimenting with it, I was probably still feeling some of that obsession when I told one of our mutual friends about it. 



I don’t think I have quite ZM’s level of obsession with witnesses and others knowing, but I do feel some of it and certainly commiserate with him on how that kind of obsession can drive you. Thinking through some of the issues he’s raised recently, it occurred to me that for me, others knowing has a stronger emotional force than others witnessing.


For example, I get very turned on my art that depicts someone seeing or commenting on the after-effects of a hard spanking, but not so much by someone witnessing the spanking itself.



I also have a thing for a spanking being heard, though not necessarily seen, and even more so to art or pictures that depict or suggest the recipient telling someone that they got spanked, perhaps as an additional part of the punishment.



I'm not sure why I have more of a reaction to scenes where some third-party knows about a spanking but doesn't necessarily witness it.  Maybe it’s as simple as, sometimes less is more where erotic visual stimuli are concerned.  I’ve always gotten more turned on by pictures of partially or almost nude women than I do at more open displays of full nudity.


I also suspect that this may be one of the few areas in which my current interest in DD and spanking may be related to things from childhood.  Corporal punishment was very open in the culture when I was growing up, yet I only really recall witnessing a single spanking.  Given how prevalent it was, I probably did witness a few others, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if others witnessed me being spanked, but I don’t have any memory of it. 


What I do remember is knowing that friends or cousins were being spanked or were about to be or just had been.  I don’t really recall hearing those spankings, but I remember being very aware of them.  Hell, for the longest time I thought that the whole purpose of a “cry room” in church was to give the parents a place to take unruly kids for a quick, efficient spanking. So, I think that for me it was the contemporaneous awareness of spanking discipline that was both a deterrent to bad behavior and a source of morbid curiosity.


While thinking about ZM’s current situation, a somewhat new angle on the whole topic of others knowing did occur to me.  While for me it doesn't really rise to the level of an obsession, I do get the perverse, almost morbid curiosity that underlies our interest in witnesses and others knowing. Plainly, many are interested in thinking or fantasizing about it.  Yet, very few ever act on the desire to bring their status as disciplined husbands (or disciplinary wives) more out into the open.  Why is that, do you think?


Assuming that you are, like most of us, more or less closeted where your DD relationship is concerned, what is it that holds you back from letting others know? Is there a specific social or professional stigma that leads you to keep it secret from most others?  Are there particular people or groups of people that you are most concerned about finding out?  Why? What do you think would happen if those people were to find out?  Would there be big ramifications, or do we over-estimate how much anyone would really care?

For me, my biggest concern about others knowing was seemingly very practical.  I was in a very conservative, traditional, and competitive profession.  I believed then, and I believe now, that there would have been professional blowback if my status as a disciplined husband were widely known in the office or to others I had to interact with professionally and often in competitive situations.  Also, for a long time I had in the back of my mind that I might run for public office sometime or go for a job that might require a security clearance, and I was pretty sure how something like being outed as a spanking blogger might impact those kinds of opportunities.


The thought of family members knowing also makes me squirm and, again, I’m not sure why.  I recall seeing one of my sisters get spanked, yet I would never want her to know I am spanked as an adult (though, in fairness, we don’t have much of an ongoing relationship).   


Somewhat similarly, my mother obviously knows I have been spanked, because when I was a kid she did the spanking.  Yet, I would be very embarrassed if she found out I am now spanked as an adult, even if she probably has a lot of insight into how my temperament and behavior might lead my wife to relish taking on that role.   

Finally, I am probably most resistant to male friends knowing, though that one I at least understand a bit. With them, it’s not just a fear of being rejected or scorned but, rather, we don’t really talk about anything related to our sex lives or anything very intimate about our marriages, so it would seem odd to have spanking be the one such thing that was out on the table.



Will Anne ever tell others? Honestly, I don’t know.  She doesn’t seem to have any friends who would be likely confidantes on that kind of thing, and so far she has never expressed any particular interest in letting others know.  If anything, she is more resistant to the idea than I am.  But, if there is one thing I’ve learned about these relationships it is, as ZM is learning now, never say never.


I hope you all have a great week.

Monday, October 11, 2021

No New Post Again


Hi all. Happy Monday.  I'm sorry, but this is likely to be another "no post" week.  I have some family commitments going on and, honestly, I'm suffering from an acute lack of DD topic inspiration.

I did want to address one comment from Alan that reminded him of the below meme that I saw recently. Alan observed: "Has anyone noticed that the world has all gone to hell – at the exact same time that I.T. has begun to take over the world? I know that correlation is not causation –but still…"  The meme seems to suggest the proliferation of I.T resources, including the internet, may not be the problem. 

Monday, October 4, 2021

No Post This Week


Hi all.  I don't think I'm going to get around to posting this week.  While it's not quite time for Halloween cookies . . .

I love this time of year, and there's just too much to do out there in the Autumn air to spend any of the available time blogging.  Please feel free to keep last week's conversation going.