Sunday, December 31, 2017

Happy New Year

Happy New Years Eve to all of you.  As longer-term readers know, I usually start each year with a long-ish entry on goal setting, how I performed over the last year, and identifying some concrete resolutions for the upcoming year.  As JGirl over at Taming of the Shrew blog says in her most recent post, this years primary goal is going to be something about balance.  In what I hope is a positive sign, I have absolutely no idea what specific resolutions I would put around that, as I've been too busy goofing off this week to come up with any, and I don't feel any particular need at this very moment to come up with a list of things I want to change, fix or improve.  Instead, I kind of feel like leaving things a little open to whatever happens.  As it inevitably will and instead of resisting it, I hope to allow for the possibility of being pleasantly surprised.  In fact, one reason I'm not spending a lot of time coming up with specific career and work goals for 2018, is I wouldn't mind being in something very different by year-end and so, while I want to continue to out-perform in my current role as long as it lasts, I don't want to be so focused on goals related to that role that I don't stay mentally and emotionally open to letting something entirely new take me in an entirely different direction.

I do hope 2018 brings a deepening of the Domestic Discipline aspects of my relationship with my wife and a stepping up in her confidence level and willingness to take control.  Being the goal-setter and list-maker I am at heart, I probably will spend some time in the next few days coming up with specific things I would like to see us do to help bring those goals about, but right now, I just don't feel like it.  So . . .

Goodbye 2017.  I hope each of you have a great very Happy New Year and a great 2018.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Merry Christmas

Christmas is a season not of rejoicing but of reflection.  - Winston Churchill

Is it just me, or has 2017 seemed like a total meat grinder of a year?  Politics.  Hurricanes.  Politics that feel like a never-ending hurricane . . .

Even so, as I reflect on the year that is about to pass, I give thanks for a few simple things.  All my immediate family made it through the year in one piece, as did most of our extended family.  With one exception, most of our family and the important people in our lives are healthy.  None of our close friends or family suffered health or financial calamities.

I realize these are all low bars, and yet they aren't. I was reminded of that a few days ago, when I was having a few medical tests run (nothing serious -- it just kind of sucks getting old, though that's way better than the only other alternative).  After checking in, a nurse took me to an examination room, and left the door ajar.  As I was sitting there waiting for the doctor to come in, I overheard a conversation between two of the nurses.  One told the other that she was feeling emotional and had seen three patients that day who  had almost made her cry.  She said the last had been an old woman who was in bad health and was there to have some x-rays taken after a fall.  The old woman had told the nurse that she hoped she would die before the holidays were over and, in fact, really hoped she would pass that night.  She said that she was 89 years old, in chronic pain, and didn't have friends or family to take care of her.  In fact, she didn't even have anyone to take her home after her tests. As I listened, I had a hard time holding back my own tears, and the conversation stuck with me as I left, and is obviously still on my mind several days later.

So, as we all run around buying those last minute gifts, let's all think a little about what a blessing it is to have people in our lives to buy those gifts for.  And, maybe do something nice for a stranger who may not be as lucky. I remember last year around this time I pulled up to the drive-through window at Starbucks and started to pay for my coffee, only to be told that the woman in the car ahead of me had already paid for it.  I'm going to spend the next few days looking for opportunities to do little things like that.

We are going to be taking a vacation until after the New Year, and my current plan is not to post during that period, though I could get bored and change my mind.  In the meantime, I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 233 - After Effects

"What we have here, is a failure to communicate." -  Cool Hand Luke

Hello all.  I hope you had a good week.  I can't say I accomplished a whole lot with mine.  It seems like pretty much everyone around me is as unmotivated as I am and just sort of shuffling our way slowly to the new year.  And, there is nothing wrong with that at all.  Usually at this time of year I am either overwhelmed with work to the point that I barely notice the holiday season and certainly don't have much time to enjoy it, or I am in a panic that I don't see much on my plate for the upcoming year and I make myself nuts looking out over the horizon and praying for the next big project to come in.  This year, I seem to be in this sweet spot where my group does have something of a workload, but a lot of the real work isn't expected to come raining down on us until well after Christmas.  It's nice.  Though, the season also presents a bad combination of plenty of opportunities to misbehave but limited opportunities for her to take me in hand.  I am, in fact, feeling a little worse for the wear this morning after attending a holiday party in the neighborhood.

I also committed a major DD faux pas.  The party was thrown by a couple we hang out with who are definitely not teetotalers.  The drinks were flowing freely, and I wasn't consuming at a faster pace than anyone else or getting out of hand. But, my wife decided I should be cut off, so she told me I had had enough.  I complied for a while, but 30 minutes or so later I poured myself another glass of wine.  So, on top of drinking enough to make myself feel less than spry this morning, I disobeyed a direct command.  I haven't faced the consequences of that yet, but they may prove to be significant.
We didn't have a deluge of comments on last week's topic, but I thought that some of what we did get led to some high quality discussions.  Which is always the goal.  I really liked this from ZM:

It is perhaps strange to think of DD punishments as being a communications tool, but at least for us that is exactly what they are. When she chooses to communicate to me in this unique way (which connects in the most power way with my deep-seated fantasies) it really gets through to me. And as the "conversation" rolls around in my head in the following days, since I simply can't stop thinking about it, I have noticed that it really has a positive effect on not only my behaviors and attitude, but also it changes some of my selfish and at times just plain wrong thinking patterns.

I didn't think of it that way when I first came across the concept of Domestic Discipline.  I thought of it mainly as a tool for correcting behavior.  However, over time I've come to believe that while it can serve that purpose effectively, the extent to which it actually does so is a function of a lot of factors, including not only the severity of the punishment but also its certainty.  Unfortunately, certainty is hard to achieve, because "real life" so often gets in the way.  Nevertheless, I've also come to believe that it has major benefits even if the underlying behavior is repeated, because it empowers the wife to express her dissatisfaction in a very tangible way.  It clears the air and, for at least a time, may produce real feelings of contrition.  In other words, it has that value that ZM identifies, i.e. a means of communication.

I also liked Anna's observation that there may be a self-reinforcing cycle in these relationships, such that Domestic Discipline is the initial focus and used to correct behavior, but as the wife gets more comfortable with exercising her authority and "communicating" via her paddle or strap, the relationship trends toward an FLR, and then the disciplinary aspect may increasingly involve spanking that obstinate male need for control right out of him.  That resonated with me, as it does reflect to some extent the arc of our relationship.

This week's topic comes from Glenmore, who sent me the following:

I just read your brief but effective account of your most recent spanking and it is pretty clear what the post spanking effects are on you , at least physically , but was interested at what the emotional , behavioural and other post spanking effects are on both the husband and wife.

For the husband , how does it feel to walk around for the next few days with a sore behind and visible marks left by your wife? Do you feel ashamed, perhaps proud, relieved and are you more likely to be better behaved and be more respectful of your wife? Do you feel a power shift in favour of your wife for a short time?

For the wives , do they feel satisfied, proud, more powerful or in charge?I notice my wife is more confident and assertive for a while after the spanking she has delivered. I wouldn't say she gloats about it but she does love to tease, commenting on any marks, or asking how sore my bottom is, etc. If I do something she doesn't like, she will drop comments like ,"Would you like more of what I gave you the other night?" or "There is lots more where that came from?"She also teases me if she finds me wincing or squirming when I sit afterwards.I'd be interested if this is common , or do other hubbies wives simply spank and forget as if it never happened.

I'll kick off the discussion.  I would say my most immediate reaction after a hard spanking is, perhaps not surprisingly, relief that it is over.  I also almost immediately feel significantly more calm, with my background level of anxiety dropping, which can last for several hours or even a few days.  While I'm sure some of that comes from a release of endorphins, I think it goes deeper than that.  I've talked before about the paradoxical sense of freedom that can come with an absence of choices. While I am a natural rule breaker, there is a certain comfort in knowing there is an aspect of my life that I do not get to control -- that she can and will take over and impose consequences on me when I fail to do the things I need to do in order to avoid bad consequences.  It makes me feel more secure in a weird way, knowing that there are lines she will not let me cross or at least that she will make me very sorry that I did.  I also feel an increased sense of respect and admiration for her.  While I was not an early spanko like most of you, I have always been attracted to strong and confident women, and the more strict my wife is with me, the more attracted I am to her.

From her perspective, she has told me she definitely does feel empowered, but she says a lot of that feeling arises not from the spanking itself but from ordering one, telling me to get ready, and watching me drape myself over the ottoman or the bed or the back of the couch, at her command.  She is a very visually-oriented person, and she says there is something very powerful for her in issuing the command to get into position and then watching me comply.  She will often follow up the next day, asking whether I'm having trouble sitting comfortably.  She will sometimes express disappointment if I am not well-marked the next day, sometimes commenting, "I guess I didn't do my job very well."  Unfortunately, I think that is just a fact of life at this stage, because I do not get bruised to the same extent I did when we were first exploring DD.  A hard paddling once was guaranteed to leave me with a bruised behind that would show for several days, but that is rare these days.

Now, the one she gave me last week did, in fact, leave some prominent marks on one cheek, and I almost outed myself as a result.  In fact, I don't know for sure that it stopped at "almost." I caught a cold last weekend and was feeling pretty miserable most of the week.  The day after my spanking, I went to the gym in the morning before work, which is my usual practice.  I was pretty careful when disrobing and getting dressed to make sure my well-marked butt was not on display.  I went to the gym the next morning as well, planning to hit the steam room to try and bake the virus out of my system.  By that day, the cold had settled in my sinuses, which I swear results in my IQ dropping by 20 points.  I was feeling pretty awful and my head was just not in the game.  I disrobed and wrapped myself in a towel and headed to the steam room -- and only then realized that I had not taken any precautions at all when getting undressed and donning my towel. There had been some period in which I had dropped by pants and was standing there naked before wrapping myself in the towel.  The locker room was not packed, but there definitely were a few people walking around.  I do not know for a fact that anyone saw my bruised behind, but I also don't know that they didn't.

Have a great week.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 232 - Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.
Hi all.  Sorry for the delayed posting.  I woke up with a cold, but in the interests of full disclosure, I also had a very nasty hangover.  We had a holiday party last night, and a very merry time was had by all.  I'm finally feeling almost human again, so I decided to get off my lazy ass and do some posting.

I'm not quite sure how to characterize this week's topic, but it extends from a couple of comments on last week's by Bart and Alan.  Bart's comment was:

Dan, while we have been married many years and have been engaged in DD before we knew there was a name for this, the conflict between Sylvia and I regarding limits has been an ongoing challenge. While I recognize that initially the punishments were a result of my needs, she soon decided that spankings were effective and useful for her as well. Over the years there have be instances where I have objected to the reason she had given for a particular punishment, and also the severity. I have protested very vigorously to mouth soaping which I hate. In the end I have always submitted and the knowledge that she decides the extent of the punishment has as she posted changed my behavior. It’s not just cursing that brings out the Ivory soap it’s also mean or spiteful dialogue .she has threatened me with a spanking in front of her sister but that has never happened.

Alan replied:
That is really where the rubber hits the road, when she punishes consistently as to the behavior and she decides why it happens, when it happens and where it happens, and you realize you really can't stop it. Why was the hardest for me for a long time because I thought we had a clear understanding of what was punishable behavior. True at the theory level but not true at the interpretation level.Over the years I have been spanked many times when I sincerely believed I didn't deserve it.But ironically that is a big part of what makes it work and what I need.At some deep level we are unable to self discipline and so we turn that over to our wives. She decides and I obey and it works.

As I replied to Bart:   

This comment kind of cuts to the core of what I'm talking about when I draw a distinction between "real" DD versus BDSM with DD trappings. From what you say, you objected to the severity and sometimes the reason, but you acknowledge that the behavior changed. Similarly, you hate the mouth soaping, but it she wants to change the behavior, doesn't it require something that you are truly, genuinely adverse to?
Again, I'm not sure exactly how to label this topic, but something along the lines of, have you had that "where the rubber meets the road" moment Alan referred, to where the punishment became, for lack of a better word, "real," such that it became something you really, truly wanted to avoid?  As most of us who contribute here know, we have some weird attraction to this lifestyle, and most of us literally asked for it.  And, as the caption above says, we want a spanking (or other punishment) that is bad enough that we really do not want it.  Has she taken you to that point -- to the point where you genuinely do not want this thing that you put in motion?  And, has she hit the point Bart refers to, where she decides the disciplining you serves her needs as much or more than hers?

My wife and I have been doing this for a long time.  I don't recall exactly when we started, but it was something like twelve or thirteen years ago.  Yet, it was really only a year or so ago that I feel like we hit both of those points.  The first happened largely as a result of new tools.  For me, it involved rubber hitting not only the road, but my ass. I bought a couple of rubber straps that were just excruciating.  They hurt so badly, for the first time I would really, truly dread what was coming if she ordered a spanking.  She ended up deciding to discontinue using them, because they had too much of a tendency to break the skin. Not in a major way, but enough to bring a spanking to an end before I had received the full measure of punishment she wanted to deliver.  But, the dread remains because she really did crank up the level of her paddling in general.  And, I also ordered some custom made paddles that seem a lot more painful than her old one.  

It also seems like her own dedication to Domestic Discipline has increased in the last couple of years, probably because we consciously took things in a more FLR-oriented direction.  I can't say that aspect really took off in a major way, but I think it gave her a taste of real power and control that went beyond merely spanking, and it felt good.

Tell us about your experiences.  Has your DD relationship reached a point where the spankings are something you truly seek to avoid?  And, while we're at it, what about Bart's discussion of mouth soaping?  We have not done that, and I hope she never does.

Have a great week.  Counting down to Christmas!

Delayed Posting

Hi all.  I caught some nasty bug yesterday and can't get my head together to post anything worth reading.  So, I'm going to push the weekly topic off to tomorrow.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Vol. 231 -- Limits

"If we do not wish to be ruled by a coercive authority, then each of us must rein himself in." Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Hi all.  I hope you had a good week.  I really do love this time of year.  For once, we put our Christmas decorations and tree up right after Thanksgiving without delay.  We weren't the first in our neighborhood, but close.  I had to go on a business trip this week, and when I came back, a good portion of our neighbors had their lights up.  It really does change my mood.  Though, not necessarily my behavior.

In fact, one problem with this time of year is there are no shortage of opportunities to get in trouble and misbehave, while the "real life" distractions that get in the way of her correcting such misbehavior also increase. Work parties, parties with friends, family members more likely to be around . . . It all can create the perfect storm of temptation unchecked by immediate consequences.  

But, my own wife does seem more focused on correcting my behavior than is sometimes the case.  It's taken such a long time, but I feel like she has finally really internalized the notion of Domestic Discipline as a "go to" way of taking care of disputes and getting more of what she wants out of the marriage.  As Anna said last week, it gives her a way to take real action, then let the resentment go.  No matter how much short-term pain that may mean for my bottom, it is so much better than passive-aggressive silences or pouting.

Anyway, last week we discussed limits.  It was a good discussion, and it is interesting how many of us really want something more than spankings for bad behavior.  It's really the verbal dominance, lecturing, setting of boundaries, etc. that we crave.  As much or more than the actual act of being disciplined or its after-effects.  It's also clear that one of the biggest impediments for the wives is the "trial and error" involved in figuring out how hard should hard be, how hard is too much, etc.   Of course, ironically, many of the men seem to really want her to step up her level of control and dominance in ways that don't directly involve the spanking element of these relationships.  So, she could safely step it up in those areas, without any concern about whether she is spanking too hard or not hard enough and with no risk that a punishment is excessive in any physical sense.  It would be interesting to extend this discussion to address whether there are ways to encourage the wives to take that next step and start displaying real confidence as the Head of Household, setting rules, being more verbally commanding, etc.

Regarding the trial and error issue, one thing we did early on that really helped us both was combining self-reporting offenses with a pre-set minimum number of swats for each offense.  Instead of leaving her to have to guess at how rigorous the punishment should be, with all the self-doubt and concerns about hurting him "too much" that can go along with a wide-open system, setting a minimum "floor" for the session took a lot of pressure off her.  In fact, it reduced the whole thing to a very simple mathematical exercise.  And, because the spankings were delivered with a wooden paddle, the combination of a minimum number of swats, added up cumulatively by offense, meant that small offenses and few offenses over a week resulted in a fairly mild session that reflected the generally mild misbehavior, while if the tally got high . . . well, I had no one but myself to blame. In fact, I recall to this day (many years later) that the first real glimmer I saw of her really embracing Domestic Discipline, as opposed to just accommodating my desire to experiment with it, was when I had a particularly bad week, and the tally got up into the mid-double digits for the first time.  I added them up and said something like, "I don't know if I can take that many swats," and she replied, "Well, then I guess you should have been better behaved, because you are going to take that many swats."  It was a real turning point in some ways.

This week, I also wanted to talk about the flip-side of wanting more, i.e. are there limits to that for you?  Or, since so many of us seem to be at the point of wanting "more" in almost every sense, are there things you think should be off-limits? 

Because so much our our own dynamic has been caught up in wanting her to be more assertive and more strict, we haven't spent a lot of time talking about anything that is "off limits."  It's also a matter of being together for such a long time, we don't really need to spend a lot of time talking about those kinds of things.  We know what pushes each other's buttons and what areas are especially sensitive.  So, most of our limits are more mundane.  Where spanking itself is concerned, what "limits" there are have, unfortunately, resulted from the kind of "trial and error" that does seem to be kind of inevitable.  Most of it has been around instruments.  A while back, I became enamored with rubber straps and ordered several.  Once we tried them . . . all I can say is . . . OMG!  They hurt so, so badly.  I don't know why they hurt so much more than leather, but they do.  Now, one "positive" outcome of that was, for perhaps the first time ever, I came to really, really want to avoid getting spanked.  But, those instruments also were by far the most likely to result in a spanking being terminated early because of excessive physical damage to my butt.  I don't have a lot of padding back there, so the skin is very tight and prone to injury anyway, and the rubber had a high tendency to result in that kind of injury.  It was counterproductive to the whole process, because she would terminate the spanking well before she felt I had been truly punished.  So, we got rid of most of the rubber implements, other than one lighter weight strap that doesn't seem to be as risky.  

Now, in other ways she has not accepted my suggested limits.   I have told her several times that if part of the goal is to get me to tears, she should consider more of a warm-up, so I don't go immediately into "take it like a man" mode in which I just try to get through the spanking.  Yet, she never really adjusts her approach and, instead, goes hard from the first swat to the end.  I think it is a conscious choice that for her, taking me to that place of cathartic release is only a secondary goal, at best, and her first priority is to make sure I am well and truly punished for the bad behavior.  

Most of our other limits are really more around the more FLR-oriented aspects of the relationship.  They really aren't even boundaries, so much as harder-wired reflections of who we are as people.  For example, I would have a real problem if she tried to micro-manage anything related to my career or, god forbid, try to push me to take that career in a really different direction.  Work is just so core to who I am as a person, I wouldn't take kindly to someone telling me what to do in that area of my life.  Now, I'm fine with her giving me some DD-related incentive to perform better and to cause less churn in my work environment through my temper or lack of self-restraint, but that is really about enhancing performance in the direction I myself have set.  In reality, it's hard to see this as a "limit," given that she doesn't have any desire to tell me what to do about my career, so it's really not an issue.

We also seem to be on about the same page regarding other aspects of the relationship that might present boundary issues for other couples.  Neither of us have the slightest desire to explore cuckholding, for example.  If she decides to experiment more with enforced chastity, I would comply even if I'm not wild about the idea.  I would actually be OK with her being more openly in charge in front of the kids and even in front of others.  So, that seems to be more of a limit for her than for me.

So, what are you limits? What are hers?  And, are there areas where the limits clearly exist but one or both of you see that limit as something that should be overcome?

Have a great week.


Saturday, November 25, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 230 - Harder, More Often, More Strict, More Open

"We need to understand the difference between discipline and punishment.  Punishment is what you do to someone; discipline what you do for someone." Zig Zigler
Hello all.  I hope you all had a great week, including a happy Thanksgiving with family and friends.  Ours was nice.  Uneventful.  Kind of what I needed.  But, it got off to a rocky start.  We had a little tiff the night before.  While she "started it," my attitude was bad, and I was disrespectful, to put in mildly.  She hasn't "settled up" yet, but it's probably coming.  And, I know I deserve it.

I said a few weeks ago that, thanks to some work commitments, I anticipated slowing down postings and, perhaps, having to suspend them altogether for a while.  It didn't turn out that way.  Instead, what had been a pretty hellish pace that was destined to get worse came to an unexpected pause.  That usually sends me into a big of a tailspin, but for now I simply feel relieved.  I was getting pretty burned out, as was everyone on my team.  I'm glad that everyone may get to spend some real time relaxing over the holidays.

Even with the intervening holiday, we got a few good discussions going.  I especially appreciated one from Bart in response to my "Real Authority" post, because it gave me something new to think about regarding what brought me to this lifestyle.  Bart said he grew up in a chaotic environment, with inconsistent rules unfairly applied.  But, he also was on the receiving end of two well-deserved spankings from female authority figures, one a neighbor and one at school, which may have put him on this path.  It got me to thinking about my own upbringing.  It too was very chaotic, with few rules in general and fewer still that were actually enforced.  But, unlike Bart, I didn't ever really have a female authority figure come into my life and put me in my place.  So, while the chaos was always in the background, I never had much in the way of real experiences to compare it to.  I wonder whether that difference accounts for me developing my interest in being subject to corporal punishment much later than many who comment here.  The chaos left me craving boundaries, but unlike many others, I didn't find those real-live counter-examples that I might have come to crave, had I had anything more than an abstract notion that they existed.  When I finally stumbled across DD, it well into my thirties, and it was like a light switch suddenly turned on.  Things just weren't the same after that, and it was an immediate, profound change toward something I had never experienced before.  For the first time, I knew that I really wanted a strong hand keeping me in line and holding me accountable.

Which is what this this week's post is about.  In your own life, how strong do you want that hand to be?  Based on the poll I put up last month, apparently most of you want it harder, stricter and more open.  The poll included a binary set of options related to severity, strictness and the level of dominance you want to be subjected to.  The question, to which we got 120 responses, was phrased as, "I am in a DD relationship, and if I could change things, I wish . . ."  The results were not the least bit nuanced:

Spankings were more severe
Spankings were less severe
Spankings were more frequent
Spankings were less frequent
My partner would be more verbally strict
My partner would be less verbally strict
My partner would be more openly dominant
My partner would be less openly dominant

These results were even more one-sided than those from a similar poll we ran in 2015:

Spankings were more severe
Spankings were less severe
Discipline was more frequent
Discipline was less frequent
My partner would exercise more control over me
My partner would excercise less control over me
My partner was more openly dominant
My partner was less openly dominant

I've always cautioned that all these polls have to be taken with a very big grain of salt, as the sample sizes are limited and the people who stop by and take time to do the poll may ore may not be a representative sample of the DD community.   But, these results are so  consistently one-sided, it is hard NOT to read them as indicating a true prevailing preference.   Our Disciplined Husbands  resoundingly, overwhelmingly want their wives to do what they are doing -- only MORE SO.

This poll also has a bit of a history.  I posted it this time largely as my own little "fuck you" to a troll who loves criticizing the women in these lifestyles but who refuses to acknowledge that the men who are subject to them (a) almost universally initiated it; and (b) not only want, but affirmatively ask for, much of the rigor and strictness that he finds unjust or excessive.  The original poll from 2015, however,  resulted from a conversation I had with one of our Disciplinary Wives.  She had expressed a common concern that, while her husband said he wanted her to be more consistent and more strict in enforcing her rules, if she did so it might be ore than he bargained for and he might come to resent her if she really went "all in," letting her inner Disciplinarian really emerge.  I told her I really doubted it and that, at least for me, the best advice I saw on the old Disciplinary Wives Club was to err on the side of being strict and severe.  The men who ask for these relationships want them for a reason, even if they may not be able to identify what that reason is or where it came from.  They really, truly, want to be subject to hard, consistent discipline.  If he is feeling any disappointment in the status of the DD relationship, it is much more likely to be because his wife is not being strict enough, not being consistent enough, not being severe enough.

This seems to be a common theme among those who, for whatever reason, are drawn to being disciplined.  I've spent some time this year participating in a DD group comprised mainly of disciplined women. It seems to be the same thing there.  Most of them want more strictness. More consistency.  To be held more accountable.  More dominance in general. 

It's also interesting that, while few of us are "out" about our disciplinary relationships, virtually everyone who expressed  a preference in the poll wanted their partner to be more openly dominant, and more verbally strict.  So, while we seem to shy away from being outed, at the same time we want those verbal displays of dominance--lecturing, scolding and bossiness--and we at least say we want it to be more open and upfront.

There seem to be several takeaways for our Disciplinary Wives (and husbands of our female disciplined partners):
  • He wants you in this role, and he wants it to be real.
  • He wants you to be demanding.
  • He wants to you to be strict.
  • When he screws up, he wants you to scold.  He wants you to be direct and no nonsense.
  • When it is time to deliver a spanking, he wants it to be an event to remember.
In short, if you find yourself doubting or worrying about what will happen if you begin to really take control, his concerns probably go in the exact opposite direction. The odds are very high that he wants you to be stern, he wants you to be strict, he wants you to rigorously enforce your rules.  And, he wants to pay a price when he screws up.  Therefore, if part of you really likes being in full control of your relationship and really wants to be his disciplinarian, this poll says one thing: go for it and don't look back! As always, when in doubt, communicate. If you wonder whether your particular Disciplined Husband wants "more" or "less" or is in a Goldilocks mental state of "its just right," there is an easy way to satisfy your curiosity -- ask him outright!  Based on this poll, there is a strong chance that he really wants you in the role of leader of the relationship and will turn over the control if you're willing to take it.

How about you?  Do you want her to be more strict with you? More verbally commanding? More openly dominant?  What does all that look like?  I'm particularly interested in the views of those who want their partner to be more openly dominant.  Does that include being so in public, so it becomes clear that she "wears the pants" in the relationship?  Tell us all about it, and please be as specific as possible.  If spankings are too mild to get the job done, what do you wish for in terms of intensity, duration, frequency, etc.  If you would like her to be more strict, what would that entail?  Need more lecturing and verbal dominance?  What would you like her to do on that score? 

Before signing off, I did want to make on observation about Love Our Lurkers.  It did not escape my attention that most of the people who dropped in to say "hi" were women, mainly disciplined females.  I just want you all to know, you're welcome any time.  While I will continue to write the blog from the perspective of a disciplined husband, and some topics will focus on Female Led Relationships, I've become increasingly convinced the F/m and M/f dynamic s are really not that different, particularly in terms of what leads those of us on on the receiving end of the paddle or strap to seek this out.  So,  for our disciplined ladies out there, just because I phrase my writing on this topic in terms of the F/m dynamic, please don't feel excluded.  Please weigh in on anything that interests you.

Have a great week.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving with friends and family.  If you are traveling, be safe.  Best holiday wishes from my family to yours.


Friday, November 17, 2017

Love Our Lurkers Day(s)

Hello all.  Let's bring this week to a close, with another edition of Love Our Lurkers, organized as always by Hermione over at  Two days of inviting our Lurkers, i.e. those who visit but never talk, to step up to the virtual microphone.  You can post anonymously, so no need to be shy.  It doesn't need to be anything profounder or on point, because this week there is no point!  If you care to, tell us a little about yourself and what brought you to check out this and other blogs devoted to Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships. 

For all the regulars, have a great week.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 229 - Real Authority

It is so hard to believe because it is so hard to obey. -- Soren Kierkegarrd

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Last week, I warned that I might not have much time to post over the coming weeks.  Then, suddenly, the frantic pace just stopped, very unexpectedly.  Which is always a little disconcerting. It's like my body came to a sudden stop, while my mind continues racing head.  But, it's all good.  Or it will be.  I really was on the edge of burnout, and now I have a chance to take a breath.  
It's also yet another chance to get "back on track."  It's funny how thoroughly "real life" can intrude on our best laid plans.  It was only a few weeks ago that we  entered into a "contract" that required us both to step up our DD commitment.  Then, work commitments and travel kicked in with a vengeance and it all just fizzled.  But, now we have a chance to restart that, realistically, was not going to happen again for another two or three monts.

Unfortunately, while I do now have the time to post, the slowdown happened so unexpectedly that I didn't have much time to think of a topic, so I'm kind of winging this one and will keep it short.  

We've had a few topics recently on rules and expectations.  One we didn't talk about is, are there any rules that are imposed on you that you really don't agree with?  Do you get spanked for anything that you think should not be spankable?  While we talk about putting our wives in charge of disciplining us when we break the rules, doesn't real authority lie not in being the person who enforces the rules but in being the person who makes them?  

In my own relationship, I can't say there are many ongoing rules she has imposed that I don't agree with.  The closest we've come is probably around orgasm denial.  She very recently announced that there are to be no orgasms that she is not a part of.  I know some men in these relationships are into orgasm denial or control.  I've never been one of them.  But, I can't tell her that I want her to make rules and boundaries, and then undermine her when she steps up and makes one of her own.  One other example is really more a matter of degree.  We both know that I have a tendency to over-indulge in alcohol as a function of work.  Sometimes its developing business.  Sometimes its team building.  I often find that a real conversation and real relationship building takes about three beers.  She prefers to set the limit at one or two.  So, it's so much that we disagree on the rule itself but, rather, the threshold at which it should be applied.

What about you?  Are there rules she imposes that you would prefer did not exist? Do you ever get spanked for things you think should not be punishable?

I hope you have a great week.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 228 - If They Only Knew . . .

Nail up some indecency in plain sight over your door; from that time forward you will be rid of all respectable people, the most insupportable folk God has created. -- Paul Guaguin 

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a good week.  I'm in the midst of an ongoing work nightmare so, unfortunately, I am going to have to keep this post pretty short.  Also, just a heads-up, the work project I am on may require me to take a break from the blog for three or four weeks, so don't be surprised if I post a notice saying it is going on hiatus for a short time.  But, I do have time today for a short one. 

A couple of weeks ago, when we were talking about expectation setting and rules, Glenmore commented that he and his wife keep a list of rules posted in their closet:

1. My Wife is always right
2. I will not criticize or put down my wife's opinions
3. I will not place blame on others - especially my wife
4. I will not interrupt my wife when she is speaking
5. When in doubt refer to rule # 1.

Elegant and to the point.  For purposes of the current discussion, however, I'm more interested in the fact the rules are posted than in their content.  There are lots of degrees to which people in these relationships have "outed" themselves.   Some not at all.  Some fully open and out there.  For those who are not fully out,  are there some things that are out and open, or have been left so purposefully or on accident, that at least hint at the DD or FLR side or your relationship?  Perhaps you have accidentally left some spanking implement out and someone saw it or could have seen it?  Glenmore has his list of rules, which is apparently somewhat openly displayed -- to anyone snooping in his closet.  Maybe you keep a spanking journal in a place someone could find it.  Maybe a fraternity or sorority paddle hanging on the wall and that sees more current use than a casual visitor might imagine? It could also be something other than a tangible object.  Perhaps a word or phrase she uses in public that you know means, "She's going to paddle me when we get home," but that people around might or might not pick up on.

I hope you all have a great week.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 227 - Err on the Side of . . .

Everything is hard before it is easy. -- Goethe

Hello all. I hope you had a great week.  Mine was, once again, way too busy.  I come into this Saturday morning really wishing things were a little less hectic.  But, I know that as soon as things slow down, I will go into a panic about that, too.  Do you ever feel like you are on a hamster-wheel, but that it is almost entirely self-created? That's kind of where I am right now.  But, there is little sign that things will slow down until next year, so my self-created panic at the prospect of working only 50 hours a week can be pushed out for at least a couple of months.

Irritability from over work may have been showing in my exchange with my most persistent troll. I've taken down the comments (his and mine), but the exchange at least had the  side effect of committing me to an idea for this week's post.  It's been a couple of years since I devoted a topic to this, but let's talk about "severity" and "more."  Specifically, for the men (and the few female DD recipients who visit here), setting aside whatever your current baseline is, how severe or strict do you want your discipline and the control exercised over you to be?

Let's start with this premise -- if you are receiving a real disciplinary spanking, you do not enjoy it.   So, let's assume that if you are in a real DD relationship in which you get real spankings, they hurt.  They are supposed to.  But, if you had your choice, would you want her to ease up a little? Or, is the opposite true -- do you wish she would spank you harder?

What about frequency? Does she spank you as often as you deserve?  As often as needed to correct the behavior?  If you could change the frequency in any way, do you think you should be spanked more frequently or less frequently?

What about the non-spanking aspects of a DD relationship, particularly the overall strictness of her demeanor?  Would you like your disciplinarian to act more strict, or less?  When it comes to controlling your behavior and setting boundaries for you, do you want her to be more tough and consistent in her approach, or is it too much already? And, if you do want her to be more strict with you and more rigorous in laying down the law, how open do you want that to be?  I'm not talking about revealing the spanking side of the DD relationship but, rather, to what degree do you want her to display signs that she wears the pants?

If you do fall into the "more" camp and you are willing to share, do you have any perspective on why you want more? Why do you want the spankings to be harder?  Why do you want her to be more strict with you?  What need would that fulfill for you?

I've posted a poll about this, and I hope all the readers who drop by this week and are actually in a DD relationship will check one response to each ordered pair.  I ran a similar poll over two years ago, and it set the bar for lop-sided results.  The "more" answers just crushed the "less" answers.  It was not even close.  It seemed to refute any view that those on the receiving end of the paddle in these relationships would want anything else, except that a huge number of them would like their disciplinarian to step it up!  I thought at the time that it should comfort budding Disciplinary Wives who have a nagging doubt about whether, if she does take on the role of a strict disciplinarian, will it prove to be more than he wanted?  I think the answer in most cases is no, he really does want  everything you are giving him and more.  Resoundingly so.

But it does suggest a couple of follow-up questions:  Have you told your wife you want more and, if so, what was her reaction?  And, if she did step it up, how did you react? Did it come closer to meeting your needs, or was it a "beware of what you wish for . .  ." situation?

By the way, I know the poll does not have a "Goldilocks" everything is just right set of answers.  If everything is just right, then just don't answer the poll.  And congratulations!

Have a great week.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 226 - Contracts & Agreements

I am a pretty versatile fool when it comes to contracts. I have signed a lot of contracts in my time, and at sometime I probably knew what the contracts meant, but six months later everything had grown dim and I could be certain of only two things: One, I didn't sign any contract. Two, the contract means the opposite of what it says. - Mark Twain's Notebook

Hi all.  Sorry for the delayed post. Busy morning.  I hope you all had a good week.  Mine started off pretty well, but then degenerated a bit last night, following an all-too-familiar pattern of one drink after work becoming one too many.  My guess is my bottom will be paying a price for that later this weekend.

One of our polls closed last week, this one on contracts and written rules governing the Domestic Discipline aspects of the relationship.  The results were as follows:

We have a written contract:                                                                     22%
We do not have a written contract or rules:                                          62%
We do not have a written contract but do have written rules:          16%

Contracts clearly aren't very popular with this crowd.  But, that is understandable, right?  50 Shades of Grey depicts a formal negotiation process between the parties, and in the context of that relationship, it makes perfect sense.  Because there really was no relationship when they negotiated.  It was two people who barely knew each other laying out the ground rules governing their contemplated kinky sexcapades.  That's not the context that most real domestic discipline relationships evolve in.  Most of them seem to begin vanilla, then someone introduces the idea of corporal punishment after the relationship already is well-established.  That is how it worked for us.  We had been married for close to ten years when I brought the idea of using spanking to discipline me to her.  So, everything was pretty conventional for us in terms of how these relationships seem to go -- I initiated it, and we never felt the need for a written contract, though for a period of time we did have written rules.  But, after awhile we didn't need those either.

Now, the fantasy seems to go otherwise.  With Glenmore's permission, here is a little contract-related artwork that raises some interesting issues:

Although most of these relationships seem to be initiated by the disciplined party, the drawing flips that scenario.  Given that we men generally are the more poorly behaved party, you do have to wonder why the women do not initiate things more often.  God knows many of us more than richly deserved it long before we found ourselves formally asking for it.


In an ideal world, this probably would be the ideal sequence.  He is presented with the idea, then she demonstrates what it entails, then he signs the contract newly aware of exactly what he is signing up for.

Now, one obvious issue with the last panel is the legal concept of "duress." Because she is kind of forcing the whole thing on him, it's possible no valid contract was formed.  Though, of course, it's not like there is any enforcement mechanism for this kind of contract anyway.  It works only if the two parties consent and work to make it work.  And, where that concept of consent is concerned, I have a hard time accepting that in a F/m domestic discipline relationship there could be much danger of real non-consent.  It's not like she can physically overpower him in most cases. Even if she threatened to end the relationship if he didn't comply, that still is consent.  Reluctant and grudging consent, perhaps, though consent nonetheless.  And, it does seem like most men fantasize about the relationship having some non-consensual element.

Given that domestic discipline usually is initiated as part of an existing relationship, is there any real reason to have a contract, particularly since it really would not be enforceable anyway?  I can think of a few reasons.

First, it does seem to be a good way to do some of the expectation setting we talked about a couple of weeks ago.  Assuming both parties participate in crafting it, it may help both of them clarify what they want out of this part of the relationship, what they expect to achieve, etc.  They can define the tools used, the severity she intends to use, etc.  Documenting that in writing could bring home to both of them that they are contemplating real spankings that are hard enough to get the job done, with all that entails.  It also could be used to define non-spanking punishments that she can enforce, like grounding, corner time, etc.

Second, it serves the purpose of defining at least some rules and perhaps to set some minimum consequences for breaking them.  Again, this might help bring home to both of them that this is a pretty serious thing they are contemplating. And, if he sees the rules in writing, he can hardly claim later that he didn't have fair warning and could not have avoided the necessity of "taking his medicine" by playing by the rules.

Third, it gives the parties an opportunity to define both of their respective roles and responsibilities.  I think this one is important, and especially the idea of defining the responsibilities both of them are expected to meet.  It's probably pretty common for the parties to define what is expected of him, but I think it might help the wife understand that leadership also carries responsibilities.  A lot of them. Like enforcing the rules diligently and consistently.  Not letting things slide, etc.

Fourth, it documents that the arrangement truly is consensual.  As K.D. has pointed out, this one may be a little legally problematic, since in some states you cannot consent to something the law deems an "assualt." Though, I am not convinced that such laws mean a contract documenting the consensual nature of things would not serve some purpose. It might make it less likely that charges would get filed or a lawsuit get brought.  When you look at the real cases that have been brought in this area, it does look like there is often an underlying issue regarding whether it was, in fact, consensual or whether something happened that exceeded the scope of consent.  I can't see a real downside (other than perhaps the risk of being involuntarily "outed" if the contract got into the wrong hands) to having something both parties can point to that verifies that this is something they both wanted.

So, I do think there are good reasons to consider having a contract or agreement summarizing the DD aspects of the relationship.  And, on the personal front, I recently came up with another reason. When I first posted the poll, I was the first vote for the "no contract" option.  But, that changed last week.  We had come to the end of a pretty long, involuntary pause in the domestic discipline aspects of our relationship.  For a couple of months, there was none at all.  That has happened in the past due to distraction and inattention, but this time we just could not do it for over two months.  When we got to a point where we could start it up again, it was she who initiated it, informing me over dinner that it was time to get back on track.  It got me thinking that there might be an opportunity here to do a really fundamental "reset," one that could come close to resetting the clock, this time with her as the real "owner" of that aspect of the relationship. We obviously could not undo the fact that I was the one who first came up with the idea, but after the substantial break it did kind of feel like we were starting over.  It occurred to me that a written contract might allow her to define the scope of things to come, mentally and emotionally commit to it, then present it to me as if it were firmly her own plan.  So, I spent some time last Saturday surfing the 'Net for examples of DD contracts.  There was not a lot out there, and the ones I did find were pretty simplistic.  But, it gave me a starting point.  I spent a few hours tweaking the draft, then gave it to her with a request that she take it from there and make it her own.  The plan was, once she finished making her changes she was to bring it to me and simply announce it as what she had decided would be happening from that point forward.

That is basically what happened.  After sitting on it for a couple of days, Thursday night she told me to get up to our room and wait for her.  She came in holding the contract, and asked why I was clothed.  I told her I had not understood exactly how she wanted to present things.  She told me she intended to instruct me on the major points of the agreement, but I was going to be standing there naked and vulnerable as she did so.  I complied (of course) stripping off my clothes in front of her.  She then highlighted the major points of the contract, emphasizing that they were what she has decided is going to happen from now on.  When it was over, she told me to bring out her paddles and straps.  She bent me over the bed and delivered a short but hard strapping and paddling that was really pretty excruciating given it had been over two months since my last one.

So, that is where things stand. We will see if the contract makes any real difference, but it was worth a try.

How about you? Do you have any kind of contract or agreement? Do you think it would be helpful?

I hope you have a great week.


Saturday, October 14, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 225 - Reporting and Enforcement

It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one. -- George Washington

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship. I hope you had a good week.

Mine felt slightly more manageable than last week, though the bar for that seems kind of crazy high these days.  I've always seen myself as pretty bulletproof where work is concerned, but I'm starting to question that as I move further into middle-age.  Admitting your limitations isn't easy.

Which is sort of the subject of this week's post.  Since we started Domestic Discipline, we have always formally had in place some kind of self-reporting scheme.  As I've discussed, at the very beginning, I kept a notebook in which I tracked each agreed-upon offense, and tallied up the minimum number of swats we agreed to.  Over the years, we have tried other systems, like sending her a weekly email or spreadsheet or something documenting behavioral issues.  We also have talked about setting aside time once a week to go over my behavior.  Honestly, it never seems to stick.  Partially, because this annoying thing called "real life" always seems to interfere.  For the last several weeks, one of those "real life" issues was a medical issue that was not conducive to spanking.  Now that we are starting to emerge from that--having been reminded once again in concrete terms that the only thing worse than getting older is its alternative--I am starting to think about how we reboot.  Including getting a real reporting and accountability check-in system going.

There is one obvious impediment to more rigorous self-reporting.  While confession may be good for the soul, it is not so good for the bottom of a truly disciplined husband.  So, what is the enforcement mechanism?  How should she address things when she finds out that he has been less than forthcoming about his bad acts?  What about Ronald Reagan's advice to "trust, but verify?" Does she have a way of independently verifying your behavior when it is something she was not there to see or hear?  Since at least some of my own behavior problems occur at work, in an ideal world, there would be someone there who would rat me out.

How does all this work for you?  Have you implemented a formal reporting mechanism?  What happens if you fail to report fully and honestly? Does she have any way of checking up on you?

Have a good week!

Saturday, October 7, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 224 - Expectation Setting

"When is the last time you did something for the first time?" - Unknown

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope  you had a good week.
Mine was, again, more than a little exhausting.  Work is just insanely busy, and I feel like between that and some personal issues I had been forced to deal with unexpectedly, it has been one of the more challenging periods I've had in a long time.  But, I'm finally seeing a little bit of light at the end of that tunnel.

I try to find quotes to post at the top of these entries that somehow tie into the weekly topic.  Sometimes I fail and just use something inspiring about female poewr, and sometimes I come across a quote that I like and decide to use it regardless of topic fit.  This week, it kind of accidentally fits the topic.  It is from a post to another group by a new electronic friend of mine.  Every once in awhile one of those memes get under my skin, and this one kind of did.  I travel a lot for work and have a job that isn't exactly like working on a factory floor making widgets all day, so if I set the bar low enough, it is true that I do lots of little things for the "first time."  But many of those experiences are work oriented or are small variations on things I've done before.  Her meme really did stump me when it came to identifying anything really significant or meaningful that I have done recently for the first time.  They say the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth, and I need to make more of a conscious effort to have more "first time" experiences.

The quote did end up relating a little to this week's topic.  DD was something that I tried for the "first time" many years ago, and it became a major part of our relationship.  For all of us, there was "first time" for this thing all of us here do or are interested in.  This week's topic isn't about that "first time" itself, but more about how the expectations were set for what it would be like or what the couple wanted out of it. There is a poll posted on the right-hand side of the blog regarding contracts.  We have talked about them before and whether people have some kind of formalized DD agreement.  I'll probably do a specific topic on that in the coming weeks, but this week I'll cast a little broader net and characterize the issue as "expectation setting."   Domestic Discipline is, at least in my mind, really at its core about rules and consequences.  Or at least about consequences for bad behavior.  That is really what separates it from BDSM and Dominance/submission.  The focus is on correcting behavior and/or a price being paid for bad behaviors in order to deter them from happening again, make the offending party pay some actual penance, or give the other party a way to express their dissatisfaction in very concrete terms. 

I'm guessing that the content of the rules we end up subjected to, and that will get some of us spanked, have a high degree of similarity.  Disrespect.  Engaging in dangerous or self-destructive behavior.  Slacking on household chores, etc.  While the content of our rules probably overlap a lot, however, I suspect there is a fair amount of diversity in how they were arrived at.  How did it work for you?  Was there some kind of formal discussion between the two of you about what the rules would be?  About what the punishment(s) would be for violating each rule?  Was there a formal sit-down meeting to discuss and agree to those rules?  And, not just about the rules, but what the expectations would be going forward for the disciplined party and for the Disciplinarian? Or, were the expectations simply imposed, or perhaps worked out informally over time?  Did some kind of contract or formal agreement result?  Please tell us about how your particular expectation-setting process worked.

For fun, I also invite each of you to respond to the question posed at the top of this post.  

I hope you all have a great week.