Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 123 -- Immediate Consequences & Tears cont.

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  

Thanks to everyone who weighed in last week on the topic of tears.  The one group we didn't hear from much was the disciplinary wives.  A few posted comments, but none posted anything on the question I asked about how bringing the husband to tears affects them.  (Merry wanted to weigh in on the question but has not yet brought her partner to tears.)  I would still love to hear from the Wives on this, and also anything they would care to share regarding their own journey on this issue.  Did you set out wanting to make your husband cry?  Were you reluctant to do so?  How does it feel now -- empowering, satisfying, or something else.  So, in the interests of hearing more from the wives, I want to leave the tears topic open for another week.

Following up on another topic that was suggested a few weeks and also was suggested by DWC Fred's most recent comment, let's talk about prompt behavior correction.  Is spanking immediately after an offense the goal?  If so, what are the impediments to making it happen?  Kids? Jobs? Other interfering events or people? What ways have you worked out to get around those distractions and interferences?  Conversely, is prompt punishment really an unqualified good?  What role does anticipation play?  Is it better to order a punishment and let him stew on it for awhile? I wasn't spanked that often as a kid, but I definitely remember the anxiety that accompanied my mother announcing, "Just wait until your father gets home."  Is there a value in allowing for that time to think about consequences, letting the anticipating build?

I can really argue this one from both perspectives.  I do feel like spankings might work better as real behavior correction if the consequences for bad behavior were more immediate.  On the other hand, there is a certain emotional tension that comes with knowing I will be spanked sometime soon, but not knowing exactly when.  

So, please share your thoughts on immediate punishment, making it happen, and whether it is, in fact, what should happen.  And please continue to tell us anything you want about tears.  I'm really hoping to hear more from the wives on this one.  

Welcome back to a way to initiate prompt behavior correction.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 122 -- Tears

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.

Last week's discussion was about multiple spankings -- spankings delivered in close succession.  That lead pretty naturally into some comments about tears, given the intensity and sheer painfulness of getting multiple, back-to-back blisterings.

Tears.  It is a topic that I consciously try not to overdo on this Forum, not because I am not interested in it.  Precisely the opposite. Left to my own devices, I would probably talk about it every week.  As I said when we last addressed this as a full topic (back in December of 2014), the prospect of tears was really the most significant driver of the emotional reaction I had when I discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club website.  And it was really what distinguished Domestic Discipline from anything else I had seen involving adult spankings.  The stories of men being brought to tears over their wives knees both fascinated me and truly, utterly terrified me.  The thought of letting go of control so thoroughly, submitting to another person so completely, that I would sob in front of my wife while she paddled my bottom was anxiety-inducing to an extent that is really hard to over emphasize.  Yet, the prospect of experiencing that kind of catharsis was also a major impetus for my decision to broach the topic of DD with her.  But, in doing so, I really did half-hope that she would not be interested, because the prospect of being brought to tears just terrified me so much.

So, here we are many years later, and I still have not cried, even as the result of spankings that I think anyone would acknowledge fall into the "severe" range.  That is what I said back in 2014, and it is where we still are today.  I am not alone.  The discussion over a year ago included a user poll, which showed that more than half the respondents had never cried at all, and only about a quarter had gotten to a point of real sobbing.

No crying
  49 (48%)
Yes - only a few tears
  26 (25%)
Yes - real sobbing
  27 (26%)

In the comments that started last week, Anna said she wanted to hear about what holds men back from crying.  I do think that the inability to let go emotionally is a big part of it, but not the only part.  For me, there seem to be a lot of factors at play, including:

(1) I have a lead bottom -- an abnormally high pain threshold.
(2) Spankings are sometimes severe in terms of impact but not always in terms of duration, because my bottom starts to bleed (usually very minor, but enough that it makes her stop).  I think the duration may be important.  Like I am already near my limit, but I know it is not even close to ending. 
(3) "Severity" can have its pros and cons, because some of her tools result in a numb bottom after several swats, rendering the rest of the spanking relatively ineffective.
(4) My wife doesn't do any real "warm up," and I think that is actually counter-productive, because instead of easing myself into submitting to the experience, I instantly "brace myself" and get into that "take it like a man" head space that is hard to get out of.  Similarly, her lectures at this point are not really stern enough to break me down emotionally before the spanking even starts, and I think that may be an important part of the formula.
(5) Finally, I do have a very deep-seated fear of embarrassment that keeps me from quite letting go fully and completely.

Now, it's not like there hasn't been progress over our time doing DD, and especially over the last year.  A big step forward was the rubber paddles we bought last year, which really hurt significantly more than any other tool she's used.  About a month ago, we had one session where I came pretty close, and it was the combination of the heavy rubber paddle, and a bottom that had gone unspanked for several weeks and was especially tender.  So, while I do agree that severity is not the only factor that goes into producing tears, I do think it is pretty important.  Though, it obviously is not itself sufficient in most cases.  Soldiers in battle may lose a limb and still not cry.  So, the physical pain clearly is only one part of the puzzle.

In terms of subtopics, I will leave this one totally wide open.  I am personally very interested in hearing personal stories from those of you who didn't cry initially, but somehow got there over time. What changed?  For those of you like me who haven't, is it something you hope will happen? I would also really like to hear from the wives about how they reacted to the tears.  Did it cause you any angst or lead you to retreat in any way from the process, because of concerns about hurting him "too much?"  Or, conversely, was it satisfying in some way, like it showed you were really taking care of business?

As I said, for me this really is THE domestic discipline topic that really gets my attention, so I am really looking forward to hearing from you all on this one.

I hope you all have a great week.


Saturday, January 16, 2016

The Fourm - Vol. 121 - Multiples

Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you had a great week.  Thanks to everyone who commented on our boot camp topic.  I was surprised at how many of our regulars have done boot camps or something like one. 

During the course of commenting on last week's topic, Alan observed: "I know some of the worst spankings I have ever received have been double spankings where I have been spanked for two different behavior issues separated only by corner time between the first and second. Almost as bad are spankings within a day or two of the first one."

Is this something you have experienced?  Two or more really hard punishment spankings back to back or within a day or two?  I can think of only one time she has spanked me twice within  a few days and it was, as Alan said, an awful experience.  If she were to crank up things that much on a regular basis, I'm sure I would be scared to death of re-offending.

Have a great week.


Saturday, January 9, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 120 - Boot Camps

 Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  Our first real post-holiday meeting of 2016. 

Our edition on resolutions was about as big a flop this year as in years past.  Myself and a few other people into the concept.  Many others who reject it categorically.  Looking back over the last week -- I may have to concede the detractors are right.  Pretty much every single one of my non-DD resolutions already lie in tatters on the floor.  Low-carb diet?  Blew right through that one in a flurry of burgers and fries last night, and the rest of the week wasn't all that much better.  No  more than two drinks at a sitting?  There was not a single night this week in which I had less than two drinks!  (Ever notice how those drinking and dietary goals seem to rise and fall together?)  Unfortunately, this is what tends to happen to me around holidays and when work slows down.  The focus goes from getting the work done to working relationships to keep the pipeline of projects flowing.  And somehow those relationships always seem to involve, "Want to grab a beer or two this week?"  Oh well.  We stumble.  We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off.  Forward.

One of the resolutions I raised and do still hope to fulfill is doing a self-directed "DD Boot Camp."  This is a relatively new concept for me.  I had never heard of it until a few weeks ago, when I was visiting a DD on-line forum.  Most of the participants are in a M/f dynamic but have been quite welcoming to those of us in F/m dynamics.  Several of the participants were talking about the intensity of their "boot camp" experiences, and I inquired about what exactly a "boot camp" is, knowing that if it was any kind of group activity, it would be a non-starter for my wife.  As it turns out, it is not a group session of any sort.  Instead, it is a structured one or two day self-directed program designed to be an introduction, or intensification, of the domestic discipline relationship.

One of the participants was kind enough send me a "book" on the subject.  It was really more like a long .pdf pamphlet, which you can find in a couple of places.  There is a link available on the author's blog, Learning Domestic Discipline:  It also seems to be available as an e-book on Amazon.  If you decide to take a look, two words of warning.  First, it is one of those "five pages of helpful information crammed into a 50-page book" kind of things.  But, it is a quick read for that same reason.  Second, it is very much written from the "Christian Domestic Discipline" perspective, with a M/f orientation.  I personally don't have much problem ignoring the religious overtones and switching up the gender orientation in my head, but if you aren't able to do that easily, it will not be your cup of tea.

The program itself is pretty simple, reflecting its "DD for beginners" orientation.  It needs to be done in private, which means finding a place to be alone together for a full day or two.  There are a series of structured "homework" exercises and couple discussions, basically designed to get both parties on the same page about what they do and do not want from a DD relationship, what their "hard limits" may be, etc.  There also are a series (three per day) of spankings, of escalating intensity. They are designed to help get both parties, but particularly the disciplinarian, past the mental and emotional blocks involved in "hurting" the other party and exercising and submitting to authority.  During the time the couple is in this "retreat" kind of environment, there is some emphasis in staying in character with one of them being clearly dominant and making all the decisions and the other staying in their submissive role throughout.  That is, by the way, the third caveat:  This approach is more of a Dominance/submission dynamic than a very limited DD "punishment for specific misbehavior" approach.

That's the gist.  I do feel like for us, something like this would be worth doing. 

Have others done anything like a Boot Camp?  Any desire to?

I hope you have a great week.


Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 119 - Resolutions

Another year come and gone.  2014 was not a great one for me.  Work was stagnant, and so was a lot of the rest of my life.  I really was not very sorry to see it in the rearview mirror.  2015?  Totally different story.  It was a roller-coaster from virtually day one, but in a good way.  Good in terms of the way I like to live, anyway.  Fast paced.  Downright frenetic.  Stretching.  Growing.  Getting out of my comfort zone, way out over my skis. Then, somehow pulling it off before disaster strikes.  Better yet, I was aware that it was a big year, as I was in it.  That is not always the case.  I had a similar year (though on a smaller scale) some time back, and I really didn't recognize how special it was until I looked back in late December and listed all the positive movement.  We often live these disconnected existences, looking back at the past with longing, or blaming things in the past for our current state.  Or, we long for a future different from what we have, putting all our energy into imagining some ideal future state in which enough of our problems will have gone away that we will finally give ourselves permission to be happy.  Or, just to be content.  It is rare that we have a year of living in the midst of the storm, while being fully aware that is is a storm, but that the storm, with all its lightning and thunder and battering winds, is exciting and even fun.   I can't say that I was FULLY aware and engaged at all times in 2015, but I was there for a lot of it.  So, unlike 2014, I bid 2015 a fond farewell, with a bit of regret at seeing it pass. 

As longer-term readers know, I like resolutions.  I like setting goals. I know I won't always hit them, but it's amazing what you can accomplish over time if you are able to improve incrementally day by day, week by week, year by year. On the other hand, I admit to being a little depressed when I look back at old blog and journal entries and realize that I seem to wrestle with some of the same challenges year after year.  Last year, I posted a list of some of my resolutions for 2015.  Here is how I did: 

General Resolutions

 I hereby resolve to:

  • have fewer Saturdays spent regretting my Friday work-related socializing [FAILED]
  • earn to better control my temper at work [FAILED]
  • nurture those important relationships, both work and personal, that sometimes don't get the time or attention they deserve [SLIGHTLY BETTER]
  • Exit 2015 in better physical shape than I entered into it, as measured by pant size, blood pressure, strength and endurance [MIXED.  Strength and endurance up, but so was my weight, though pant-size stayed the same]
Domestic Discipline Resolutions

I hereby resolve to:
  • self-report any infractions at least weekly [FAILED]
  • empower my wife to grow in her disciplinary authority, including by showing more outward signs of submission to her control [FAIR]
  • during spankings, instead of "taking it like a man," try hard to let go all ego and control, surrendering totally to her authority [FAIR]
What I find fascinating when I look back at these is, I failed or only marginally improved in goal after goal, yet, as a whole, 2015 turned out to be a great year.  This demonstrates the necessity of keeping an open mind and enjoying what you get, even if it is not what you thought you wanted.  You can have a really great year even if it goes in a totally different direction than you intended.

The other interesting aspect to my resolutions where DD was concerned is that I failed at so many of the specific goals I set, yet the year as a whole was probably the most transformative we have had since starting domestic discipline a decade ago.  While far, far from where we want it to be, her authority and willingness to exercise it grew by leaps and bounds.   My ability to really submit grew, though it was an internal fight every step of the way.

So, where do we go for 2016?  Here are some thoughts.  Although given how 2015 turned out, I know these are, at best, kind of like looking at a map to lay out a route for traveling from one coast to another.  On a journey of that length, there are going to be detours.  Road closures.  Unexpected diversions.  Long-anticipated sight-seeing that leaves you flat and thinking, "Well, I drove 500 miles to see that?"  But, also, wondrous sights and sounds and tastes that you never knew were out there but were waiting right around the next bend.  With that all in mind, I'm keeping these a little more "thematic" this year, letting the details work themselves out, though I am putting in a couple of specific, concrete ones related to Domestic Discipline.  I'm also mixing up goals related to DD with  others that are more generally applicable to things I need to do to advance the ball over 2015.

  • Empower my wife as HoH.  This is a little different than the goal for 2015, because it focuses on enabling her overall authority, not just her disciplinary authority.
  • Do a one or two-day self-directed domestic discipline "boot camp" in which we spend those days alone, without distractions, with her fully and consistently leading and me following.
  • Let loose and really cry during a spanking.
  • Where information and content is concerned, produce more than I consume.  For all the time I put into this blog, I spend 10x mindlessly reading other blogs, reading the news, reading books, etc.  That's all well and good and keeps me well-informed, but to what end?  99% of the information I consume has no impact at all on my life.  Unfortunately, some variation on this one has appeared on many of my resolution lists, and I never quite pull it off.  
  • Apply whatever growth I achieve in being more submissive and accepting at home to the workplace, blowing my top less and being more accepting of those things I don't agree with and can't immediately change. Many months ago, one of our posters who was, as I recall, in a sales position, recounted his workplace arc, where he started out as a top performer, but hit a ceiling because of the way he drove and mistreated the people around him.  His boss became his disciplinarian (I think, if I am recalling this right).  He learned to get his temper and ego under control, and his earnings soared.  That is what I want to achieve at work this year. Though, this one is, again, something that has been on  my list more than once and never really been fulfilled.
So, those are some of my resolutions for 2016.  Care to share yours?  I ask that question, knowing that every year I have broached this topic, and every year it has flopped.  But, as indicated by my own attempts at putting my personal resolutions together year after year, hope springs eternal!

Have a great week, and an awesome, consequential, meaningful 2016!