Friday, October 21, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 179 - An Unexpected Honor

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  

I am getting an early start on posting this week, as I will be tied up most of today and Saturday.  

As you may recall, last week I put out an open invitation for our Disciplinary Wives to contribute in the form of guest post.  A few days ago, I opened my email and found one from a most unexpected source.  As I have stated on this blog many times, my interest (obsession might be the better word) in Domestic Discipline began with the Disciplinary Wives Club website.  I stumbled upon it almost by accident, and it is not hyperbole to say that in many ways my life was never the same.  Within a few days, I had timidly told my wife about the concept, tested the waters on her willingness to give it a try, and then found myself buying a hair brush on her instructions.  Over a decade later, she is still blistering my bottom when deserved.  Finding the DWC website helped me open up to a side of myself I didn't know existed, while also empowering my wife way beyond what she had thought was possible in our marriage.  So, I owe a lot to Aunt Kay of the DWC, and I have always hoped this blog might have a similar impact on even one couple.  Imitation is indeed, in this case, the sincerest form of flattery.  

So, my heart jumped when I saw an email address that I had seen more than once when visiting the DWC website.  After picking my jaw up off the floor, I read her very gracious email that included a kind offer to contribute to our little community.  A couple of days later, I received the following:

"Hello Dan,

My Hubby recently showed me your blog and since then I have looked through many of the entries.  I like what I saw. So I am happy to contribute.

Your question to wives was “what it has done for your marriage and/or for you and your husband's growth and development, any areas where you would like to see it further develop.” I could write a whole book answering just that.   

What it has done for me and what it has done for the marriage is part of the same answer.  Early in our relationship he told me about his spanking needs.  I had never heard of F/m spanking or in fact any kind of adult spanking. But as he likes to say, I was a “natural” at it. There were some really challenging circumstances when we were first together and having that outlet; the ability to spank the daylights out of him when he was being unreasonable made all the difference.  It gave me a method to direct his growth and we have both very happy with how it turned out. Of course it is an ongoing, never ending project. But unless I am really angry at the time, I kind of enjoy spanking him.
For me personally, it was an astonishing discovery. The intimacy, the pleasure, and especially the results were unbelievable. And being a Teacher, I felt compelled to share it. So I started the Disciplinary Wives Club because I wanted others, for whom this lifestyle might be appropriate, to know about it. I never dreamed it would become so famous or that we would meet so many people from around the world.

We made friends with other couples and that was a whole other unexpected outcome. I never imagined disciplining anyone but my own husband. But it became easy for me after a while. I learned that some men need a lot more intensity than my Hubby and I had some really fun times delivering longer and harder sessions that he could ever endure.  I still recall smiling to myself as I watched Jerry head off with another DWC wife to get a spanking.

When we did things together with other DWC couples; like going to dinners, events, visiting for weekends, there was such a sense of liberation.  Just hanging out, being able to talk about lifestyle stuff was amazing. It was like we knew we were special, we shared a kinky little secret when we were out among the rest of the world.

I see that you have some experienced and thoughtful women who participate in your Blog.  I hope that more wives join in and that some of you find the bravery to meet one another in person.  I will say this; just like any other aspect of life there may or may not be personal chemistry initially when you meet another couple. But it seems to me that people made the extra effort due to our common spanking interest to make it work out.

Aunt Kay"

I hope that Aunt Kay will keep reading and maybe be willing to respond to any comments on this post.   In any event, Aunt Kay, thank you so much.  I cannot think of a better way to kick off my attempt to get our Disciplinary Wives telling us more about their own journeys.

As always, if you are new to our Forum, please take a moment to go to the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.


Saturday, October 15, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 178 - Pre-Spanking O's and An Invitation to the Wives

A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating in, or interested in participating in, Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. 

I hope you all had a good week.  Mine was pretty damn unproductive.  I find this happens almost every time after I've had a really intense period at work.  Ideally, I would be able to bring things back to a happy medium.  But, it never seems to work that way.  Instead, the pendulum always swings in the opposite direction, and I end up just basically screwing around and getting little accomplished.  Which is really the worst of all possible worlds, because I am getting little to nothing accomplished, yet still going in to work every day instead of taking time off.  I also had one of those dinners with a few male friends that degenerated into several more drinks than intended, leaving me mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the week.  That could and, honestly, should result in one or more very painful spankings this weekend.

That was an interesting exchange last week.  As I said in response to one of the comments, I was surprised at the number of women, and some of the men, who saw a pre-spanking erection as a sign of disrespect.  As Sunny so colorfully put it,  "I am getting ready to give this guy the spanking of his life and he gets a hard on."  I can definitely understand that perspective and want to let the idea percolate a bit before deciding what if anything to try to do about it, since I don't think of that reaction indicating lack of respect when it happens to me, but I do understand why some would see it that way.

In terms of what might be done about it, Marisa and Peter and others alluded to the husband being required to "take care of" the erection before the spanking starts,  also heard referred to as "milking."  In short, imposing a pre-spanking orgasm to remove that erotic or sexual edge prior to the disciplinary event.

He relieves himself, then she gets down to business. 

Or perhaps she lends a hand, particularly if a pre-spanking erection didn't go away after the first few swats.

This is one of those topics for which I am going to have to rely on all of you heavily, because this is an activity we have not engaged in (yet), and for the moment I am pretty glad about that.  Though I do recognize that this might be one of those things where the rubber really meets the road in terms of showing just how much I am up to walking my talk about making a disciplinary punishment "real."  Because I have no doubt that being completely relieved of the erotic or sexual tension and energy that may be bound up in the desire for DD leaves only pure punishment.  Also, it's just the nature of an orgasm to leave you feeling lazy and content -- about the last thing you would want after that is a long, hard spanking.  And, of course, that is kind of the whole point of doing it that way.  I also do wonder whether removing all that energy would make it easier for me to get to real tears, which is something that I do have this morbid obsession with achieving but have just never been able to get there.  For those reasons, I have thought about asking her to consider requiring it for super-serious offenses, but I haven't quite been able to bring myself to do it.

What do you all think about this?  Is it something you have done?  Is it, in fact, much more effective?  For those of you who have not, is it something you think should happen to make the discipline more "real"?

I would also like to use this post to request something of any Wives who might be interested.  The topical format of this blog really does get constraining at times, and I would love to work in a little more variety.  I also think it is very important for wives who are either considering entering into a disciplinary relationship or just dipping their toes in one to have role models.  It would be great to be able to post some content from the wives telling your own stories in your own words about how you came to be a Disciplinary Wife, what it has done for your marriage and/or for you and your husband's growth and development, any areas where you would like to see it further develop, etc.   Basically an open microphone for you tell everyone more about you and your relationship.  I tried this a while back and got submissions from Anna and Merry, but that was about it.  Our circle of Disciplinary Wives has expanded a bit since then, so maybe this is a good time to give it another shot.  If you are interested, there are a couple of options.  First, you can just enter it as a comment here and I will re-post it later as a stand-alone posting.  If it gets too long, just break it up into multiple comments.  Alternatively, my Profile link includes an email address.  Just send it to me by email and I will post it to the blog.

Finally, if you are new to our Forum, please take a minute to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.


Saturday, October 8, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 177 -- Excitement before . . .

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in being in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I hope you all had a great week.

We wrapped up one of our polls a couple of weeks ago. This was one of the more sexualized we've done, asking whether you typically get an erection before a disciplinary spanking.  We had 88 responses, and here are the results

(Almost) Always
  49 (55%)
  23 (26%)
(Almost) Never
  16 (18%)

Summing it up, about 80% of men at least sometimes get an erection before a disciplinary spanking, and over half get one almost always.  I am among those who get them almost always, even though I am also one of the few who didn't really have a spanking fetish before discovering Domestic Discipline.

So, what is this about?  While some spankings can undoubtedly be erotic, this poll focused specifically on erections before disciplinary spankings.  Those spankings you know are going to be extremely painful, hard to take, and that might even leave you in tears.  Yet, at least one part of our anatomy seems to find that situation exciting.

Without getting too graphic, I still remember my reaction when I first discovered Domestic Discipline, and during that first three or four days when I was discussing it with my wife, whether we might explore this, and what it would look like.  I literally lost hours of sleep stirring and stewing about what might be coming.  The butterflies in my stomach were so strong, I literally felt ill at points.  I was genuinely scared, particularly regarding the prospect of possibly being humiliated by being brought to tears.  Yet, during those days, part of my anatomy was displaying a more or less constant state of excitement.

I still don't really know how to account for this.  How is it possible to get excited by something you genuinely dread?  Also, does that erotic charge frustrate the disciplinary purpose?  Several weeks ago, I listened to some materials by a spanking-oriented "therapist" and professional disciplinarians named Jacqueline Omerta, who discussed a real spanking that was delivered to one of her clients with the goal of getting to real tears.  But, it didn't happen.  In her view because the client was too turned on.  Her opinion was that the sexual aspect of a spanking was fundamentally incompatible with getting to the state of real remorse and submission required to get to that state of sobbing release.  I can't really say, because I have not gotten to that state of tears.  But, I do feel like that element of extra energy, whether it is erotic or something else driving it, does make the spanking at least somewhat easier to take.

Thoughts on all this? Do you typically get an erection before a disciplinary spanking?  Does it go away once it actually starts?  Do you think it is simply eroticism driving it, or something else?

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to go to the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 176 - Stumbling Blocks

Be careful what you wish for.  You might get it.

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

And, increasingly a gathering place for those who are not so interested.  I think we hit some kind of new low on the blog last week.  A tiny number of on-point or semi-on-point comments, and then a whole bunch of trying to draw everyone into debates about "is this all real" and "why the sexual aspect" and "is DD really a good thing" that I seem to be attracting an awful lot of lately.  Some of this is probably the price of "fame", which I say very tongue in cheek.  But, earlier this year, we started getting up to around 2000 visitors a day, and that is going to attract a broader range of views for sure. Though, there are two things I find really interesting about all this. First, Blogger tracks the most common search terms that lead every blog, including this one. The terms that people are using when finding this blog are aimed squarely at F/m discipline and corporal punishment. Here are the top ones for this week leading to this blog:

disciplined husband
spanked hubby
spanked husband
f/m wife punishing husband stories
spanked husbands
well disciplined husbands video
wife led marriage and discipline

Plainly, based on terms people are inputting, they are looking for precisely this kind of content.  They aren't stumbling on it by accident and then taking offense at what they inadvertently found.  I also find comments from the same detractors on multiple blogs so, again, they are plainly spending a hell of a lot of time surfing websites devoted to content that they supposedly disagree with.

Second, the lack of anything approaching a 1:1 ratio between total reader growth and total comments from people in active DD and FLR relationships is puzzling.  The growth in total daily readers has been exponential over the last year, jumping from around 300 to 500 to 1000 to almost 2000 daily.  But, the number of active commenters has stayed about the same over that time period.  And, the number of commenters actively participating in DD and FLR relationships seems to have plateaued, while the number of comments from doubters, detractors and outright trolls has jumped.  (Or, maybe it's just that they get an out-sized part of my attention, which I probably need to work on myself.)

So, given all that, I admit that part of me takes umbrage at the people who don't agree with the lifestyle but still keep coming here and still keep leaving comments, most of them aimed at wanting me to change the focus in one way or another.  And, it is definitely an exercise in "you can't please everyone."  Some want me to use a heavier hand in moderating content, especially stuff that they personally don't like or deem to be a fantasy. Of course, what they deem to be fantasy is usually whatever they themselves are not practicing.  A fairly coarse filter indeed.  Others bitch when it is their ox being gored and I fail to post, or take down, one of their comments because it isn't on topic or is anti-DD or takes potshots at other commenters.  So, again, you can't please everyone.  It was with that thought in mind that I originally intended to use as this week's topic the most recent reader poll, which was on pre-spanking erections.  Doing so would have been my own little "screw off" to anyone who has been griping about sexualized content on the blog.  And, I definitely had no intention of going down the "devote a topic to everything random people don't like about domestic discipline and FLR" rabbit hole that has been suggested in some comments.

But, it did occur to me as I mulled it some more over my Saturday morning coffee, that there are people who visit this blog who are new to DD and FLR or contemplating giving it a try, and it may be beneficial for the veterans to give the newbies an idea of where the stumbling blocks and hurdles are likely to occur.  Not "what is wrong with DD or FLR" but "what is particularly likely to go wrong with their DD and FLR."

Therefore, that is this week's topic.  We all came to DD and FLR from some other state of things -- many of us from a much more traditional or "vanilla" state of affairs.  Most of us probably came into it with some kind of pre-conceived notions or desires about what it would, or should, be like.  But, I'm sure that, as has happened throughout our DD relationship, the wishes and desires sometimes collide with everyday reality.  Real life just gets in the way -- a lot.  Or, what the two people find attractive, or not attractive, about their FLR and DD practices is not quite in synch.  So, what have the stumbling blocks and hurdles been for you as you have tried to implement DD or FLR into your real life? To get the ball rolling, here are a few of mine:

Family Distractions:  For me, the number one stumbling block, hurdle, interference, etc. that has repeatedly frustrated us really getting into a groove with FLR and DD has been the presence of kids around the house.  It is just very, very hard to find private time for discipline, or to openly practice an FLR, with kids around.  To the point that, if I had to do it all over again, I wish (a) we had started earlier; and (b) we had been more open about it.  I know that many readers disagree with that last part, but I have personally become more convinced that kids get used to pretty much anything, and if the couple is open that "She wears the pants," the kids will adapt to that reality.  It doesn't mean I think discipline should happen in the open. Adult activities are adult activities.  But, it could mean that a well-deserved spanking happens that evening after the kids are in bed, and that if they overhear then they overhear.  My own personal preference (one almost certainly NOT shared by my wife, by the way) would be to be more open about the nature of our relationship, and let those chips fall where they may.

Positions & Tools: This is one where, in my experience, the expectations may diverge radically from the reality.  We all see the DD and FLR drawings and pictures with the man draped compliantly over her lap in classic OTK position, and she delivers a devastatingly effective disciplinary spanking with a hairbrush.   For most, the reality is that OTK doesn't work particularly well for the giver or  the receiver and is generally uncomfortable and hard to maintain, and a hairbrush is generally not a very effective disciplinary tool. The combination of the two may be particularly bad, because she may not be able to generate sufficient force in the OTK position, and that force is being delivered through a fairly light instrument.  It also is surprisingly hard to find a really heavy, solid hairbrush these days.  Now, the bath brush . . . that is an entirely different story.  What a difference that few extra inches in length and extra heft can make.

Work Distractions:  We have always had a hard time really getting momentum with the FLR, because about the time she starts stepping up strongly as a leader, I take off on a business trip or get so pummeled with work that I'm just not around.  If there is any fix for this one, I have not personally found it.

Consistency:  Rebecca talked last week about not wanting to always be "on" when it comes to leading and FLR. I totally get that, and I sympathize.  I personally do need, however, for there to be a lot of consistency in terms of setting boundaries, in order for me to really adjust my behavior, and also for me to feel any real internal emotional change as a result of being made to submit.  I also have heard from Disciplinary Wives and female HoH's whose primary concern isn't being "on" too much but, rather, worry that if they really live the FLR and take on the lead role all the time, he will resent it.  It's really the opposite of worrying about being "on"  all the time. She wants to step fully into the role but worries it will be "too much" for him. I honestly think that should not be a major concern for most women. Most of the men who want this also want it to be real and want it to be consistent.  Oh, we may resent it in the moment, but in the long-run it is what we want and need.

This is one of the points the detractors really struggle to grasp.  Men who want this usually don't "like" the spankings, but they do desire to get "real" ones when they are deserved.  They also want real boundaries and real consequences for crossing them. It is the reality of the relationship itself they want, and being subject to someone's discipline that they need.  They do not want it to be enjoyable at the time.  In fact, it is were enjoyable, they wouldn't want it. I honestly don't see why this one is so hard to understand, and I do feel like some of the detractors are being intentionally obtuse, or they really lack some intellectual subtlety.  It seems perfectly reasonable to me that someone can recognize that they may profit from something they don't particularly enjoy. I work out a lot, and I really hate cardio days.  After years of doing them, I still pretty much detest every moment on the treadmill.  But, unlike many of my peers, I'm in pretty good shape for a middle-aged guy, and I've been relatively free of a lot of the chronic health problems that start hitting guys my age.  So, I recognize that cardio is good for me, even if in the middle of a run I am hurting and wanting it to stop.

Incompatible Pros and Cons:  We've been actively practicing DD for over a decade.  I can truthfully say that I haven't really felt a "downside" to DD across that whole time. Where things have "failed," for me it has been about there not being enough rigor or consistency. In other words, the only downside has come from too little DD, not too much.  FLR? Well, that's a different story.  We have only been moving into something like a real FLR for the last year or so, and it is significantly more challenging for me, particularly certain aspects of it.  And therein lies the source of the quote at the top of the page.  I asked for the FLR, including specifically asking her to me more "directive" in the relationship, telling me what she wants done and holding me accountable for doing it.  For her, that has translated into more chores and more orders to do things she wants done.  Take out the garbage.  Clean the cat's litter box.  Sweep up the floors.  And . . . I have really hated almost every minute of that. Some men get off on the "service submissive" thing.  I go in the exact opposite direction.  I absolutely hate it.  And not because I don't like doing my fair share around the house.  I do that, and I always have.  I just hate, hate, hate being told what do to or being interrupted when I want to keep doing something else.  However, the theory behind our whole approach to FLR is kind of a yin and yang thing.  Being bossed around rubs me so much the wrong way, because my personality is so naturally anti-authoritarian, and that has gotten me in a lot of trouble.  Making me do things I don't like humbles and balances me and, in the long run, that is good.  For her part, she has not always been as strong a personality as she could be with some practice and if she would get over  being concerned about being perceived as "bitchy.

So, her bossing me around does serve both our long-term needs, but it does not give me any short-term gratification at all.  Her? Well, she really likes it.  It is the one part of this that has come totally naturally to her.  Socialization and habit sometimes get in the way of rigorous implementation, but the desire is definitely there.  She genuinely likes giving me orders and, moreover, likes that I do not like being ordered. After living with me for years, she likes that I struggle to submit and that it is hard and humbling for me. Now, one could say that this isn't really about incompatible desires, because I acknowledge the service serves a long-term purpose that is good for me. True.  But, I also believe that this people need to recognize going into a DD or FLR relationship that one spouse may need, want or like something that doesn't particularly appeal to the other.  In real relationships, you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you have to do something you don't like because the other person does like it.  And of course, if submission really is submission, then it may involve giving in to something you really do not like and that, unlike the "dislike" associated with a hard spanking, is something that you really don't want regardless of whether it serves a larger purpose.  You give in to her wishes, because that is what you have agreed to to do.  Now, this is all rather obvious in theory, but I find it very difficult in practice.

Well, this ended up being a lot longer and very different than what I had planned for today.  Let's now hear from some our our DD and FLR practitioners about those aspects of the relationship they have struggled with, and what they might do differently if they could do it again.

I hope you all have a good week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us something about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 175 -- In Your Dreams

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”- Anais Nin

 Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum -- Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating, or interested in participating, in Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

A week or so ago, someone brought up the possibility that some of the comments posted on this blog are fictional.  Could be.  I have no idea whether any particular comment is wholly true, mostly true or not at all true.  I also don't really care that much, as long as they are on topic.  Some of the best stories on the old Disciplinary Wives Club website were fiction, but they illustrated what a DD relationship could be and, in doing, served an inspirational purpose. Fictional or not, they provided ideas and guideposts. 

Domestic Discipline and FLR relationships seldom start wholly formed.  Instead, one party proposes it to the other. They talk, they plan, they experiment.  Hopefully, things move forward, perhaps not always smoothly, but forward nonetheless.  But, it's probably inevitable that real life, with all its distractions and compromises, doesn't always match up to the parties' ideal desires, goals and dreams.

Assuming that is the case for most of us who are trying to construct real DD and FLR relationships, what is the gap between your fantasy and your reality?  What would that "ideal" DD relationship and your role in it look like?  More discipline and consequences?  A more strict spouse?  What role would you and your spouse play if you could make your DD or FLR all you want it to be? And, what would you be willing to do differently or act differently to make it happen.

This topic comes from Anna, who has become one of our only active Disciplinary Wife commenters the last few weeks.  Marisa, Holly, Merry and others . . . I hope you all are still with us and merely caught up in the busyness of life.

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to our Forum, please take a moment to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR relationship. 

Saturday, September 17, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 174 -- Why DD?

"Know what? Bitches get stuff done.  -- Tina Fey"

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our interactive gathering of men and women who are participating or interested in being in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you all had a great week.  By the end of mine, I was reminded tha periods of frenetic activity are almost always, for me at least, followed by days of abject laziness, sometimes capped by royally blowing off steam.  I experienced bits of all those this week after coming down off of a major work project that had been truly all-consuming for the better part of a month.   As most of those projects go in my world, there is a definite end-point.  So, you go from running at a balls-out pace to a dead stop.  I find that it is the period right after that "dead stop" in which I tend to get in trouble.  When I have 50 things on my to-do list, I get them all done.  When it's back down to five things, I accomplish precisely none of them.  I also have a tendency to look at the clock around 4:00 pm and say, "Well, since I don't have much going on anyway, let's rally the troops and get happy hour going early."  And one happy hour cocktail soon become four.  Which is all my way of saying that I probably have a good, long punishment spanking coming this weekend, and I probably richly deserve it.

Before getting to this week's topic, a note on -- "bitchiness."  I had another of those experiences last week that verified for me just how insidious this view among women is that if they take control they will be perceived as bitches, which may or may not be true, but what is true is how much they care!  Over the course of this work project, I watched one of our younger female team members do something that represented playing way, way above her level. Just stunningly impressive from someone who was supposed to be too junior to pull something like that off.  When things wrapped up, we had a team "bonding" event that became the usual booze fest.  During the course of said festivities, she asked me for pointers on how to get even better.  I told her that she had exhibited technical skills way above what anyone thought she should have at this stage, so now she just needed to work on developing a level of confidence that matches the ability.  She then asked what I freaking knew she was going to ask: "But, how do I do that without sounding bitchy?"  I then gave her a five minute lecture on how that concern about being perceived as bitchy was likely going to be the #1 thing getting in the way of becoming all she could otherwise be, and that regardless of the price paid for being perceived as bitchy, it will not be nearly as high as the price paid for  self-censoring and not living up to her full potential all because of some faux egalitarianism or hesitancy to offend.  It is just so frustrating seeing young women with so much potential dumb themselves down purely because of someone else's perception or, more accurately, the mere possibility of such a perception.  And, if people see a strong woman as a bitch . . . so what??  When I tell a male subordinate that he screwed up, do you think he doesn't leave the office muttering to himself, "Asshole."  It's the same thing, but for some reason women just care about it way more.  Like I said, insidious. 

I also had a pleasant surprise this week.  During this lull in the work activity, I caught up on some reading, including a book entitled "The Good Wife's  Guide to Taking Charge: A Female Led Relationship Primer" by Rebecca Lawson (available on Amazon).  Unlike a lot of the junk out there that I've read on this topic, this one really focused on the reality of these relationships and implementing them in the real world.  I was going through the "Some Resources" section in the back, and this quote brought me up short:

"I also recommend The Disciplined Husbands Forum ( It is one of the most realistic ones I have found, and it has some really good discussion. Please note that I do not know the blogger, nor does he know me. So, I do not speak for him (and vice versa). But, it is a good example of a realistic blog on the subject done in a tasteful and educational way." 

I've always wanted to be a published author myself but have lacked the commitment to make it happen, so I guess I will settle on getting mentioned in an actual book! 

So, on to this week's topic.  I got a little testy with a commenter last week who started going down the, "If everyone is REALLY doing DD then why the desire to get spanked . . ." thing. I admit, I really just get tired of people questioning other people's sincerity or motivations. Just because you don't "get it" doesn't mean others don't.  It probably just means this lifestyle isn't for you and you should move on to another blog that better suits your interests.  But, there was a more legitimate  point that focusing on the mechanics of the spanking sometimes means we aren't having the bigger "why" discussions.  (Of course, I've also noticed I tend to get more comments on the blander, "What's your favorite spanking instrument" kind of topics -- just goes to show you can't please everyone.)  So, for this week, I'll throw out one of those more open ended questions:  Why domestic discipline or FLR?  Why did you want (or agree) to take your relationship in this direction?  What need does it fulfill for you, assuming it does?  While a lot of FLR stories involve the woman imposing the relationship on the screw-up husband, the dominant reality is the men often do the initiating.  So, why do we want it?  What gap does it fill for you?  And, for the women who did initiate it or went along with a request, does it fulfill your needs too?

Have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a few minutes to go to our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself.


Saturday, September 10, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 173 - Surprises

 “Nothing quite encourages as does one's first unpunished crime.” - Marquis de Sade

 Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum: Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  I hope you all had a great week.  I am finally past a particularly hellish period at work.  I'm still in a bit of recovery mode after existing on coffee and adrenaline for two weeks straight, but it's amazing how much better the world looks through eyes that were actually closed in sleep for 8 hours.  Of course participation has been down on the blog lately, so I'm not sure I missed that much.  It is definitely that time of year, with kids going back to school and others trying to squeeze the last bit of fun out of summer.  In any event, I hope to be a little more engaged with the blog than was the case over the last few weeks.  I admit, however, that I am still kind of stuck for scintillating topic ideas that haven't already been covered.  I guess that is the nature of the beast with a narrowly focused, topics-oriented blog.

A few weeks ago we discussed written contracts and agreements.  I usually try to run polls before opening up a topic related to them, but I got a little disorganized that time and the topic preceded the poll.  In any event, we got 94 responses on the topic of Do You Have a Written Contract or Agreement Defining Your DD Relationship

             24 (25%)
             70 (74%)

So, if positive expressions of consent are a necessity for these relationships as some vigorously maintain, those expressions don't seem to be documented in writing for most of our community.

This week's topic is a little nebulous, and maybe an extension of last week's.  (Which I realize may not bode well for increasing participation, given the minimal response last week.  C'est la vie.  It's the best I can come up with this week.)  Have you ever received a spanking as an unpleasant surprise?  Like maybe you were anticipating sex and got a spanking instead? Or maybe one came totally out of the blue after you thought you had gotten away with something?

Saturday, September 3, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 172 - Modern Communication

Hi all. Welcome back to the The Forum -- Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led Relationships.

Based on the activity level, it seems that everyone out there is just as busy as I am at the moment.  It's that time of year, isn't it? School starting.  Football season kicking off.  And, unfortunately, I am still tied up (and not in a good way) with something for work through the end of next week.  But, I did not want to let another week go by without some discussion.  So, her is an easy one:

Have you ever received a text or phone call saying you will be spanked when you get home or that you need to come home from work or whatever you are doing to get a spanking? For me, one of the most memorable happened fairly early on in our DD relationship.  We had been doing it for only a few weeks, and we had purchased a very nasty implement called a prison strap.  I was at work one morning, when my wife called.  She had the day off for some reason, and we chatted for a bit and she asked if I had a busy afternoon ahead.  I really didn't (for once) and said so.  It was a well laid trap on her part, because as soon as I said I wasn't that busy, she said, "Good.  Then at lunch you are to drive home, go directly up to the bedroom, get out my new strap and get ready for a very bad spanking."  I have no memory of what I had done to earn it, but I very much remember the anxiety I felt all morning, almost literally watching the hands on my office clock tick closer and closer to noon.  We lived only about 15 minutes from my work, but that drive felt like hours.  I got home, and she was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper.  I started to walk into the kitchen, and without looking up she said, "I told you to go upstairs immediately, and that's what I meant. Go."  I did, and she came up a few minutes later and delivered what was, up until that time, probably the hardest spanking I had ever taken.  When it was done, she very calmly said, "Get dressed and go back to work."  I spent the rest of the day sitting on a very, very sore and well strapped bottom.

Any similar stories to share?

As always, if you are new to the Forum, please stop by the Guestbook and tell us a little about yourself and your DD lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

The Forum -- Firsts Continued

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of those participating in or wanting to be in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

Unfortunately, due to some other commitments, I am going to need to take a break from the blog this weekend.  But, we didn't get a huge response to last week's post, which invited members of our community to share stories about the first adult disciplinary spanking they received or delivered.  Noticeably absent was much in the way of comments from the wives about the first time they wielded their disciplinary brush, paddle or strap.  So, in an effort to keep things going while I'm tied up, let's extend last week's topic, while hoping to encourage some of the wives out there to share their stories about that very first time.

Have a great week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to visit our Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 171 - Firsts

Don't let your mouth get you into something your ass can't handle. -- unknown 

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I hope you had a good week.

You can really feel the summer winding down.  This one kind of blew right by me.  Lots of changes happening for us right now, though that's probably a subject for another time.  It's been another incredibly busy week, and I'm a little pressed for time.  This week, I can't say I'm feeling particularly inspired where new topics are concerned, so maybe we should try for some more user participation in the process.  Something that requires some story telling on all our parts.

This week's topic is, therefore, first spankings.  More particularly, first disciplinary spankings.  We all got started somewhere.  Whether we asked for it ourselves.
Or whether it was a little less voluntary.

What do you remember about the first one you ever got or gave?  Give us the details.  When? Where? What did you do to earn it? Or, was it just the culmination of a longer process? Did anything about it come as a surprise?

I hope you all have a good week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 170 -- After the Spanking

“To cry was to release all sorts of ugly little pressures and tensions. Like waking out of a long, dark dream to a sun-filled day.” -- Anne McCaffrey

Hi all.  Welcome back to The Forum -- Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

We had a good discussion of contracts last week.  If there was a general consensus, it seemed to be that a contract could be a useful tool, especially at the beginning of a DD or FLR relationship, but might not serve as much of a purpose later or if the DD or FLR aspect of the relationship took off later in an established relationship where the communication is already solid and open.  I did put up a poll to try to assess how many people are using such contracts, so if you haven't done so yet, please take a moment to vote 

I will probably add more to this topic later today, as I'm a little time challenged this morning.  But for now, today's topic comes from Anna, who suggested the following: What do men feel and how do they act right after discipline?  Is there corner time or other rules?  

We've talked about corner time fairly recently, so let's focus on her broader question of what men feel after a real disciplinary spanking and whether the couple has any kind of post-spanking ritual or tradition, whether corner time, after-care . . . sex, etc.  
I'll talk a little more later about our own routine and what I'm feeling immediately after, but for now I'm off to take care of some other things.

Have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us a little bit about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations to be in one.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 169 - Contracts

Women rule men's lives - every decision a man makes is based on a woman. Jessica Stroup
Read more at:
 Injustice is relatively easy to bear; it is justice that hurts. ~H.L. Mencken

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives. I hope you all had a great week.

For reasons I won't go into in detail, the role consent plays in DD and FLR relationships was on my my mind again this week.  It began with an entry on the Guestbook from someone who suggested an FLR relationship had been imposed on them, and I tried to probe what that actually meant.  I can't say I ever felt that reassured that I understood whether the situation involved real non-consent, or professing non-consent as part of the mystique of the relationship or just not taking responsiblity for choices made.  I can't say I really got to the bottom of it, and I would just reiterate a couple of points. First, this is not a Master/slave blog.  I don't have any problem with that lifestyle, but it's not what this blog is about.  So, even if you are in a consensual Master/slave relationship, there may be better places for you to explore that than here.  Something that has really been hitting home for me lately where this little extracurricular pursuit of mine is concerned is, you can't be everything to everyone.  For every Master/slave comment or post I allow on the blog, I scare off someone in a more conventionally DD or FLR-oriented relationship, and those are the relationships this blog was meant to focus on, particularly since there are plenty of outlets for those with Master/slave and other similar bents.  

Second, it hit home for me again just how nuanced and problematic this whole consent issue can be.  While I think (hope) we all agree that consent to being spanked for discipline is necessary on some level, there are a lot of nuances.   Is the consent only to the overall DD relationship?  Or, must it be to each individual spanking?  For some people, is there an element of wanting it to at least seem non-consensual, even if in the bigger picture of the overall relationship, they really want itThere isn't a clearly right answer here, and where I really started noticing the paradox was when I went back to the Disciplinary Wives Club website and tallied up how many of the stories involved the woman imposing the disciplinary relationship to one degree or another.  It was pretty clear the seeming non-consent has some kind of attraction, given that website has launched many DD marriages.  But, of course, in "real life" we know that express consent often isn't even really an issue, because many--and based on the polling we have done, probably most--of these relationships begin with the husband asking the wife to take up the paddle.

But, that is all for another today,  as I don't want to take us down another vigorous debate on things like consensual non-consent, though I do find the whole thing fascinating and perplexing.  Instead, this week I would like to address a much narrower issue that only partially relates to consent.

Formal contracts or written agreements and other means of documenting the terms and conditions of the disiciplinary side of the relationship.  How many of our DD and FLR couples have gone about documenting the rules of their relationship in some formal way?  And not just the consent, but the overall terms of the DD relationship.

Who is in charge?  What constitutes a spankable offense? Implements? Minimum/maximum number of swats?  All the way to legalistic expressions of consent, liability waivers, confidentiality clauses, etc.  There could be a lot of ground covered by such a contract. It also potentially addresses some of the complexity around consent, because it at least provides some documentation that the consent actually happened, that both parties went into it with their eyes open, etc.
So, that is this week's topic.  Have you documented your DD or FLR relationship in the form of some kind of written contract or agreement? If so, did you do it before the spankings began, or did it come later in the relationship?  What significant terms does it cover?  How did you go about putting it together?  Did you start from scratch, or find a template somewhere?  Was there a signing ceremony or meeting?  And, do you think such agreements are a good idea?
I will lead off by saying we do not have such an agreement.  When we first started out, we did come up with a list of offenses, to which each was assigned a minimum number of swats.  But, it really was designed to help us both take it seriously and to make sure she didn't let me off too easy as we were just getting used to her having the authority to spank and trying to figure out things like "how hard is hard."  It was never really structured as a contract or agreement per se.  
Have a great week. As always, if you are new to the Forum, please drop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself.