Saturday, May 16, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 49 - Consistency

Hi all. I hope you had a great week and are heading into a fun and/or relaxing weekend. 

This week's topic relates to something we've talked about under the general heading of "More," i.e. what more we want from our DD and FLR relationships.  The "more" in the case of this week's topic is "consistency."  What role does consistency play in your relationship?  Is DD more an event, or a process?  Meaning, is it something that happens sporadically for specific infractions, or is it something that is part of a more consistently applied disciplinary or FLR regimen?

One theme I would like to see us explore a bit is, for the Disciplinary Wives, is it hard to be consistent, or harder NOT to be?  This is an issue Rhiannon has explored on her blog, and she took my own thoughts on this in  a different direction.  I had always assumed that being the leader in an FLR-oriented relationship, or doling out DD punishments consistently, could be a very difficult thing, because of the need to be "on" all the time.  Always, or at least very often, in that control position and that leader mindset.  But, as her blog points out, the converse may be even more of a problem.  The on again, off again ebbs and flows might keep the disciplinary wife always on edge and never quite getting into a personal zone where she really feels in control.

I know this is a broad topic, but that seems to work well with this group.  Throwing out a general theme and letting people take it where they will.

I hope you all have a great weekend.


Saturday, May 9, 2015

The Forum Vol. 88 -- What Holds You Back?

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week and are heading into a relaxing weekend. That was a good discussion last week.  Somehow, I never tire of topics that hit the question of origins, how people get started in domestic discipline, from one angle or another.  Thanks to everyone who contributed.  It was especially heartening to see the number of new contributors we've picked up in the last few weeks.

We had another poll close this week.  This one was directed at our Disciplinary Wives and asked, "What holds you back from assuming greater authority or giving stricter discipline?" There were 27 total votes, and people were allowed to vote for more than one option.  Here are the results:

Social conditioning re gender roles
  10 (37%)
Reluctant to really "hurt" him
  13 (48%)
Uncomfortable being perceived as "bitchy"
  8 (29%)
Afraid he will resist
  5 (18%)
Unpracticted in leading
  7 (25%)
  5 (18%)

 There are some obviousl problems with this poll.  As someone pointed out shortly after I posted it, there is no option for "nothing."  Some women are leading fully actualized DD relatonships, and nothing is holding them back.   That may, or may not, be what is going on wiht the relatively high numboer of "Other" answers in this one.  On the other hand, I'm not surprised that "social conditioning" and the reluctance to dole out something really painful are way up there.

I don't feel like I have a lot more to add personally to this one, and I'd love to hear from the wives.  So, tell us about what what, if anything, holds you back from being the Leader or Disciplinarian you want to be or that your husband tells you he really wants or needs.

I also added a new poll.  Nothing particularly provocative.  Just more curiosity about who we are.  Also, my apologies to the first 7 people who voted, but I had to pull it down and restart when I realized I left out a category.  Unfortunately, the Blogger polling gadget doesn't allow you to modify a poll once someone has voted.

Have a great week.


Saturday, May 2, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 87 - That One Event

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Anna's topic from last week generated a great discussion.  It was also a heartening experience for people living the lifestyle or interested in it, because many of the "ideal" scenarios our group described were not just male Femdom fantasy fare, but well within in the norm for many DD couples.  It was especially inspiring that many couples apparently already are experiencing their ideal.

Now, on to this week's topic.  Our polls show that it is very often the man who initiates the DD relationship, by asking for it.   Though, every once in awhile, a Disciplinary Wife initiates it on her own.  Many men also express that they had been very interested in spanking, DD or FLR-type relationships for some time before they actually had an opportunity to pursue on.  So, this week's question is, was there a specific event that caused you finally to ask for it?  Some particular bit of bad behavior?  Maybe a point of high stress or remorse?  Perhaps the fascination just finally became overpowering? Or, did the opportunity finally present itself, so you took it?

I hope you all have a great weekend.


Saturday, April 25, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 86 -

 Hello all.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying the weekend. 

This week's topic comes from one of our Disciplinary Wives.  Anna suggested this topic:

"As a wife I would love to know what the ideal or dream scenario men find they think of most [regarding discipline]. That would include place, positon, verbal abuse or not, verbal warnings or not, weapons of choice. Position of choice and to me as a woman what sort of after care would they find would be best for them."

So guys, when you think about your ideal disciplinary relationship or scenario, what does it look like?  Let's also broaden it a bit to include our Disciplinary Wives' ideals and dreams.

Have a great week.


Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 85 - Poll Results & New Poll

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Forum. I hope you had a good week.  I thought last week's discussion was great, with many different views exchanged.

Another poll closed last week, this one aimed at our Disciplinary Wives.  It aksed what motivates them to participate in a DD or FLR lifestyle.  There were 32 responses, which is great.  Here are the results.

Makes me feel powerful
  10 (31%)
Give me more control over my life
  12 (37%)
Punishing his bad behvior clears the air
  14 (43%)
Punishment makes him behave better
  17 (53%)
He asked me to, so I accommodate iit but am not that into it
  7 (21%)
I am a natural Dominant, so this lifestyle fits me
  9 (28%)
  2 (6%)

It's an interesting distribution, and at least somewhat assuring that our Disciplinary Couples are in it for similar reasons.  The two highest responses both focused on the punishment aspect of DD, and the same was true of a poll we did of the husbands a few weeks ago.  For a significant number of couples, it appears that both spouses are motivated to use DD because it is designed to correct bad behavior.

Looking back at this poll, I probably could have done a better job with the options, though only 2 women chose "Other."  One option that is clearly missing is pure erotic or sexual motivation, i.e. using spanking and discpline because it is sexually arousing.  I also tied punishment to "clearing the air" and behavior modification, but maybe it serves other purposes, such as pure retaliation or giving the wife a way to voice her displeasure in a very concrete way, though that is sort of subsumed in "clearing the air."

In any event, in terms of using this as a springboard for further discussion, I would like to invite the women who participated to tell us a little more about why they do This Thing We Do, what they get out of it, and what purpose it serves in their relationship.   Guys, let's make the Disciplinary Wives feel welcome, which means using our manners.  Based on conversations with one of the few female FLR bloggers out there, I have come to realize that one reason there are, in fact, so few of them is any time one of them posts anything they get bomarded with a bunch of random strangers calling them Mistress or Goddess and hitting them up with variations of, "I know you're married, but if you would ever consider spanking someone other than your husband, I would be honored . . ."  None of that in relation to this post, please. 

I have also posted a new poll.  Like last time, this one is for the women.  As those who follow this blog and our polls know, a few months ago we ran a poll that confirmed that most men want their DD and FLR wives to be harder on them.  More strict, more controlling, and deliveirng more intense punishment.  The new poll asks the question, if that is what so many men want, what holds you back or makes it harder for you to assume that more strict and dominating role.

Have a great week.


Friday, April 10, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 84 - Age & Wisdom

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  For me, it was tiring, frustrating, disappointing.  Tiring, because of lack of sleep, some workplace socialzing, too many work hours, and too many hours laying in bed thinking about work.  Frustrating, because of just having too many things to do, and too few hours to do them in.  Disappointing, because I went into the week pledging to be a good citizen at work, and by the end of the week I had lost my temper a half-dozen times and generally engaged in all the behaviors that lead Anna to spank Peter at the office.  It happens, but I can tell I am in one of those phases where I really need to be reined in.

A few years ago, I probably wouldn't have been able to admit some of my behavior problems.  And, I definitely would not have taken responsibility for them, let alone asked someone to hold me responsible for them.  Which brings us to this week's topic.  Several weeks ago, we talked about a poll that tested the ages of our Forum participants, which revealed that a very large majority of our community are over the age of 50.  We also had a poll that revealed that is it usually the man who asks for the DD or FLR relationship.

So, why is it that older men, those in their late 40s and into their 50s, tend to be more open to, or actively seek, an FLR or DD relationship? Kathy at Femdom 101 commented that it is because older men are more mature.  I'm not sure I agree, or at least I don't understand exactly how maturity would lead to increased openness to being controlled or disciplined by your spouse.  My own working theory is that for many of us, it is our late 40s when we really hit our stride at work, being given much more authority and control, but that increased responsibilty drives a corresponding need to give up some of that control and responsibility to another person.   But, maybe there is a "sweetspot" where our need to be controlled or punished corresponds with sufficient maturity to recognize it and ask for it.  What are your thougths?

Have a great weekend.


Saturday, April 4, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 83 - Closet DD and FLR practitioners

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  I hope you all had a great week as we head into this Easter Weekend.  I must admit, it is becoming disconcerting the extent to which the seasons pass in the blink of an eye.  It seems like winter was here for a few moments, then just vanished. I'm just getting old I suppose -- complaining about time passing too fast and the various failings of the younger generation.

This week's topic is from one of our readers: Without naming names, do you know someone who you think might be living a DD or FLR relationship?

For my part, there are no couples we know who I strongly suspect might be into these relationships.  I do know some who I think desperately need it, but none who show signs of actually being in one. 

So, how about you?  Without naming names, is there someone in your life who shows signs of being into DD or FLR? An outwardly vanilla couple that you suspect keeps a hidden dungeon filled with spanking toys?  The neighbor who seems to receive a lot of elongated shipping packages just the right size for various paddles and canes?  That demure co-worker who displays hints of hidden kink?  Do tell.

 (Note that we have done a slight variation on this a couple of times before, where I asked whether readers knew people who aren't in DD but really should be, and each time it flopped.)

Have a great weekend.


Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Forum - Volume 83 - Motivations

Hi all.  I'm sorry I got a little behind in replying to comments over the last week.  Work has been crazy busy, and it was hard to get to everything I had going.   Thankfully, we have developed enough of a core group of commenters that things keep right on going without me.  That's a great thing.

On to this week's topic, and it is going to be another fairly open-ended conversation.  Our latest poll focused on motivations, i.e. on why we do This Thing We Do.  What is it that drives us to want or need bare-bottomed discipline, given the fairly obvious downside of pain, tears, etc.?  Here is what our readers had to say about it:

Need to be under somone's control
  48 (45%)
Behavior/performance improvement
  46 (43%)
Erotic motivation
  45 (42%)
Need/desire to be punished
  67 (63%)
Wife requires it
  22 (20%)
  2 (1%)

It is interesting that all the factors I identified in the poll came into play to a substantial degree, other than the fairly small number of men whose wives simply impose the DD lifestyle.  It's also reassuring that only 2 people said their motivation is something other than the five factors I identified, so it seems I didn't miss any major motivations.

It does surprise me a little that the need or desire for punishment outranked facotrs like needing to be under someone else's control. That does seem to indicate that while there is overlap between the DD and FLR aspects of our readers' spanking relationships, it is not a 1:1 match.

Speaking for myself, all of the first four apply, though the erotic motivation probably plays a lesser role than the others.  And the ranking I would apply to these has changed over the years.  When we first started, the need to be punished probably would have topped the list, with behavior improvement being inextricably tied to that punishment need.  Over the last couple of years, however, I have started to appreciate the extent ot which I need to be under someone's control. That was always a factor for me, but more in relation to having someone set boundaries and rules.  While it is hard given my temperament, I am beginning to see the value in being under someone's control, simply because I am so anti-authority that submitting to someone else evens me out and helps me feel more balanced.

So, what is your motivation for doing This Thing We Do, regardless of which side of the paddle you are on?

I have also added a new poll that focuses on our Disciplinary Wives' motivations.  I realize we still don't seem to have that many female readers, but the numbers are growing, so hopefully the poll will get at least a few responses. 

Have a great weekend.


Saturday, March 21, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 82 - Positions

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  As is too often the case, my Saturday finds me exhaustend and needing to relax and recuperate but, unfortunately, faced with a pile of work that I was unable to get to during the normal week. Modern life I suppose.

This week's topic is about spanking positions.  Which do you use in your spanking relationship?

There is the iconic "over the knee."  Source of so many DD fantasies and undobutedly the inspiration for many DD relationships. But, is it really effective?

Or, maybe standing up while supported by a chair?

It is a position that seems to yield itself to a much more serious ass whipping than OTK.

Or perhaps on the bed, supported by pillows?

Or some variation on that theme?

Perhaps draped over a chair?

Or for a lucky few, a special purpose bench or similar equipment in a dedicated spanking space?

What positions does your DD Wife typically command?  Does it depend on the implement she is using? Do you find some are more effective than others at getting her point across?

Have a great week!  One last thing: I can sense my inspiratiion for new topics reaching a low ebb.  If you have ideas, please leave a comment or send me an email.


Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 81 - Resistance

Hi all.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying your weekend. 

This week's topic is about dealing with resistance.  There are obviously going to be times when we are less cooperative than others.  Maybe you are distracted by work or other issues that need immediate attention.  Or, maybe a punishment was ordered that you feel was not really deserrved.  At those times when you are feeling less cooperative, have you ever actively resisted a spanking or even refused to comply?  If so, how she deal with it? How should she?

Have a great week!


Saturday, March 7, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 80 - Reporting, plus New Reader Poll

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  I hope you all had a good week and have a relaxing or stimulating weekend ahead, depending on your preferences.

This week's topic is about how bad behavior comes to the attention of our DD wives.  Personal observation obvioulsy plays a major role.  But, what other means do our Disciplinary Wives have, or have they imposed, to gather the information necessary to keep us in check?

Self-reporting?  If so, do you have a particular system in place? How well does it work?  Have you thought of any effective mechanism to prevent him from cheating by just not telling?

How about informants? Is there someone in his life who will rat him out for bad behavior, such as Anna's relationships with some of Peter's workplace colleagues?

Monitor spending, internet use, emails, etc.?  

Right now, we are experimenting with a more elaborate form of self-reporting involving a daily journal, which I started at the suggestion of one of our FLR wives and former bloggers who is all about finding concrete ways to transform FLR goals into FLR daily reality.  So far, it has been a challenging thing, though undeniably beneficial.

I have also posted a new poll.  The topic is a little squishy, and it's a hard one to do within the inherent limitations of a poll with pre-formed answers, but it tries to quantify the motivations underlying the disciplined husband's interests in pursuing a DD lifestyle. 

I hope you all have a great week.


Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 79 - Assurances for Tentative Disciplinary Wives

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  I hope you all had a great week.   This post is one that I think a lot of disciplined husbands may want to ask their wives to read.  Because it touches on a dynamic that I strongly suspected cut across a lot of DD and FLR relationships.  For the last few weeks, our Forum has had a poll open consisting of some very binary questiions for disciplined men about exactly how it is they wish their wives would approach this aspect of the relationship, all centering in one or another on the level of intensity and control the desire.  The available answers in each case being a simple "more" or "less."  Do we want more severe spankings, or less?  More frequent discipline, or less?  Wives who exercise more control over us, or less.  Well, the results are in and, for once, they are consistent with my pre-existing biases:

"If I could change my DD relationship, I wish (pick one from each pair that applies)":

Spankings were more severe
  88 (63%)
Spankings were less severe
  4 (2%)
Discipline was more frequent
  112 (81%)
Discipline was less frequent
  3 (2%)
My partner would exercise more control over me
  94 (68%)
My partner would excercise less control over me
  5 (3%)
My partner was more openly dominant
  86 (62%)
My partner was less openly dominant
  6 (4%)

Now, I've always cautioned that all these polls have to be taken with a very big grain of salt.  The sample sizes are limited, they are open to anyone who stops by, and the people who stop by may not be a representative sample of the DD community, let alone the community at large.   But, these results are so lop-sided, that is hard NOT to read something real into them.  Our Disciplined Husbands (at least the 138 who voted) resoundingly, overwhelmingly want their wives to do what they are doing -- only MORE SO.

 (Note, the overall percentages don't work out well, because people had the option of responding to less than all questions, so you really have to compare the votes for each binary choice.)

This poll also has a bit of a history.  It extends from an off-line email conversation I had with one of our Disciplinary Wives in which she expressed what I think is a very common concern, i.e. that in being consistently rigorous in enforcing her rules and being a strong Leader in the relationship, it might be more than he wanted.  I told her I really doubted it and that, at least for me, the best advice I saw on the old Disciplinary Wives Club was to err on the side of being strict and severe.  The men who ask for these kind of relationships want them for a reason.  They really, truly, want to be subject to hard, consistent discipline.  If he isfeeling any disappointment, it is much more likely to be because his wife is not being strict enough, not being consistent enough, not being severe enough.

These results certainly bear that out.  Where spankings are concerned, disciplined men want them to be harder and more frequent.  With the level of control, it's the same.  Very slighlty fewer want a more openly dominant spouse, but the results still tilt way on the side of "more."

Now, there are two possible takeaways for our Disciplinary Wives.  The first, and one I hope you don't feel, is that this puts you under more pressure to lead and to be stern and, in short, to be even more of something that you're already struggling with.  But, the alternative way to look at it--and this dovetails nicely with last week's question--is that to the extent any "struggles" you have with stepping into the role of a full DD wife are because you think that he may balk, resist or be silently unhappy, these results are a very strong indication that you likely have his full and complete permission to take on all the leadership you are willing to take.  The odds are very high that he wants you to be stern, he wants you to be strict, he wants you to rigorously enforce your rules.  And, he wants to pay a price when he screws up.  Therefore, if part of you really likes being in full control of your relationship and really wants to be his disciplinarian, this poll says one thing:  Jump in with both feet!

As always, I think the key is communication.  If you have doubts about whether your particular Disciplined Husband wants "more" or "less" or is a Goldilocks mental state of "its just right,"  then ask him outright.  But, based on this poll, there is a strong chance that he really wants you in the role of leader of the relationship and will turn over the control if you're willing to take it.

I don't really have an actual question on this one.  Instead, I'll just open it up for comments.

Have a great weekend!


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Blogger Content Policy

It is with no small sense of irony that, the day after Alan posted a comment suggesting spanking is out of the closet and no longer that controversial, I learned that Google has issued a new content policy under which it will make "private" sexually explicit blogs.  They have exceptions for sexual content that has some independent scientific or artistic merit. Whatever that means.  And, of course, they don't really tell anyone what that means.  It isn't at all clear to me whether drawings would be included or even whether it applies to sexually-oriented text that doesn't contain graphic images.

While I think an invitation-only blog could work fine, Google has capped partipants at 100 people, and it is by invitation only, which is a problem given that even our more prolific contributors are often posting anonymously and don't even have a fake profile and email address to which to send the invitation.

Given that there is little actual sexual content on this blog, I'm hoping we fly under the radar of the sphincter police.  But, there is some content that could placee our "public" status at risk.  So, I will over the next few days remove some of the more sexually explicit drawings, and I also will likely start deleting comments that have a lot of sexual content, especially content that doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to do with DD or FLR.   Sorry, this really is annoying, and hopefully there will be a big enough outcry that they will rethink this, but i doubt it. 

Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 78

Hello all.  Welcome, and happy Saturday.  This seemed like a very long week.

This week's topic is one that I am intentionally leaving a little vague, because I think it could take the discussion in some interesting directions. I also hope it enourages participation from our disciplinary wives in particular.

It seems obvious that being on the receiving end of a disciplinary spanking can be hard.  As can learning to submit to authority, particularly if you are wired as I am and really don't take orders well.  But, I suspect that many men fail to appreciate the challenges of being the disciplinarian and of exercising leadership over another person. In fact, I suspect that a lot of blossoming FLR and DD relationships die on the vine because of the husband's unreasonable expectations regarding his wife's abiilty to suddenly become a totally different person, preferably a leather-clad, whip wielding Dominatrix. 

So, who is DD and FLR harder for, the recipient or the dominant?  Particularly for our disciplinary wives, what challenges do you face in becoming a strong leader or disciplinarian?  Are there things your husband could do to help you beome more comfortable in that role?  Or, are my assumptions wrong and you personally found it quite easy to take the leadership role in your relationship?

Have a great weekend.


Saturday, February 14, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 77

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  Before we got onto this week's topic, I now step into the role of movie critic and report on last night's viewing of 50 Shades.  In short, it somehow manages to make S&M boring.  I took my wife in the hope that seeing a Dom in action might give her some tips on demeanor.  Not so much.  I did not find Jamie Dornan the least bit believable as a Dom.  He just doesn't bring to the role any sense that this is a guy who has the gravitas to control other people.  And, I think it is even worse than the book when it comes to portraying spanking and kink in a negative light.  Finally, when you remove the kink, this is just one more "working girl meets rich messed up guy; he saves her and she saves him right back" movie, but there are a hundred better done examples of that genre.

So, on to this week's topic, which was inspired by something that happened at my gym this week.  After my morning workout, I was in the locker room getting ready to take a shower.  A guy who I have seen naked in that locker room hundreds of times was getting dressed in front of an adjoining locker.  He had showered and was wrapped in a towel.  What caught my attention was that when it came time to put on his underwear and pants, he pulled them on while still wearing the towel, such that his bare bottom was never exposed.  Only after he was clothed from the waist down did he remove the towel.

I can come up with no other explanation for why he kept that towel in place, other than covering signs of a recent spanking!  As I said, this is someone who I have seen naked dozens of times, and he has never exhibited any shyness about baring his body.  In fact, the guy is one of the most chiseled and ripped specimens in the gym -- he definitely has no reason to hide anything, other than perhaps some bruises or striping from a recent disciplinary sesssion!

So, this week's question is, have you ever had to cover the telltale signs of a recent spanking?  Tell us all about it!


Saturday, February 7, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 76 and a New Poll

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  That was a really good discussion.  If it taught anything, it was that people get into DD and FLR for all sorts of reasons and, if there is any correlation with spanking or lack thereof when growing up, it seems to be pretty damn loose.

This week's topic is about the extent to which DD and FLR relationships extend beyond the core relationship.  Do you find that your DD or FLR role, whether you are the more dominant or the more subordinate party, has an impact on other parts of your life?  If you are subject to DD at home, do you find yourself submitting more at work?  Conversely, for our disciplinary wives, do you find that taking that leadership position at home causes you to display those leadership and dominant tendencies in other areas?  I could also see this going in the other direction. Maybe you are submissive at home, and that gives the freedom to be more commanding at work?  Or, is DD something that is a discrete and isolated part of your existence, that doesn't have much impact on how you behave in the rest of your life?

Also, you may have noticed that I posted a new poll.  It is meant to test whether those who are in these lifestyles want the experience to be even more rigorous and intense, or less so.  I would ask everyone to hold off on comments until the poll closes. 

Have a great week.


Friday, January 30, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 75

Hi all, and welcome to the weekend.   I'm posting this week's edition a bit early, because I am going to be out much of tomorrow and didn't want to leave anyone wondering, "Where the hell is he and where is my weekly fix of the Disciplined Husband's Forum?"

That was an intersting discussion last week. I can't say I know much more than I did before about whether or not most readers are subject to their wive's authority to such an extent that if she did order disclosure that he is a spanked husband, he would comply.  But, I know that virtually all of them who aren't already "out" think it is a bad idea and are really good at dodging the question on whether they would comply even if their wife were to deicide it really isn't such a bad idea.  :-)  So, let's chalk that topic up to an interesting idea that failed miserably in its implementation.

This week's topic relates to the most recently closed reader poll, which sought information on whether readers were spanked when growing up and, if so, how often and by whom.  This poll seemed to interest people a bit, as indicated by a fairly high response rate and by the fact that a large number of responses were entered shortly after I posted the poll.  Here are the results:

Spanked frequently
  19 (14%)
Spanked but only infrenquently
  69 (53%)
Never spanked
  31 (24%)
Spanked by mother/not by father
  26 (20%)
Spaned by father/not by mother
  14 (10%)
Spanked by both
  35 (27%)

I really did not have many preconceived notions about this one, and nothing in the results really surprises me that much.  Substantially more than half the responders were spanked to one extent or another, though only 14% were spanked frequently.  A healthy proportion, almost a full quarter of our viewers, were never spanekd at all.  Interestingly, the burdens of imposing discipline seem to fall somewhat harder on mothers than fathers, though a large number were spanked by both.

It should be obvious what I was trying to get at with this poll.  I wanted to see whether there was any clear link between being spanked growing up and being interested in it as an adult.  From these stats, I think it would be hard to make that leap.  So, since the data doesn't seem to go anywhere, how about the anecdotal evidence?  Do you think your own early experiences being disciplined lead to your adult interest in having it imposed on you, or for our Disciplinary Wives, your interest in imposing it on your husband?

I can see this one going either way, and my own experience seems somewhat at odds with any speculation that being spanked growing up tends to make you interested in it as an adult.  I was, in fact, spanked but not often.  I can only think of two or three total.  I'm sure there were more, but none worth remembering.  And, some of those that I do remember are enshrined in my memory more because of thebehavior that lead to them than the spanking itself.  But, it is also true that where I lived, spanking was just part of the background environment we were all raised in.  Parents spanked.  Teachers and principals spanked.  School spankings were actually the worst on several levels, because in addition to the primary spanking at school, conducted with the full knowledge of one's peers, one could often expect another licking at home as further piling on just to make sure the lesson about not acting up in school came through loud and clear.  Aunts and uncles spanked their nephews and nieces with just as much frequency and just as little sense of impropriety as with their own kids. So, while I don't recall being spanked very often, it was always in the background.

But, I do wonder sometimes whether the lack of regular spankings, and general lack of any kind of imposed discipline, especially any as I got older, did indirectly cause my later interest in DD.  As I recently related in a comment on another blog, I grew up without clear behavioral boundaries, to the point that by the time I was in high school I was, for all intents and purposes, living almost entirely by own rules.   Teenage boy's wet dream, right? Somtimes, but at a cost.  When there are no rules, and where the only consequences are those that are the natural result of your own behavior, that can be a lot of responsibility.  No one is there to literally whip you back into shape and put you on the right side of the line, so you either do it yourself, or keep doing whatever you're doing and hope catastrophe doesn't strike.  I do think that my adult desire for someone to impose consequences on me when I screw up may be tied to having too much freedom and suffering too few consequences early on.  I think it also may be why on the spectrum of being interested in spanking for its own sake versus seeing it as a tool to be used for larger disciplinary purposes, my inclinations are toward the latter.  But, of course, none of this explains why I had no interest at all in either spanking or DD unti well into my 30s, other than I had never really heard of DD until then.  And, my first glimmer of interest in this area involved a segment on a cable TV show about adult spanking, but not of the DD variety.  So, it is all very complicated.

So, tell us your thoughts on this.  I will ask of all of you, please self-censor where details are concerned.  There are undoubtedly people out there who get turned on by spankings of the non-adult variety, and I definitely do not want anything on here to faciliate that in any way.    


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

New Blog Recommendation


It is a little depressing how few blogs there are out there that explore DD themes from the female perspective in the context of a F/m DD or FLR relationship.  For years, the Disciplinary Wives Club was about it.  There are plenty of blogs out there serving the Femdom community, a few FLR blogs though damn few authored by women, and very few that explore both FLR and DD, particularly within the context of real relationships.

But, one of our more recent commenters, Rhiannon, has a wonderful new blog that I hope you all will explore.  You will find a link on my sidebar to Learing and Living an FLR.  It is entertaining, incredibly intelligent and has, in its very short existence, raised a plethora of interesting relationship questions and issues.  I encourage all of you to drop by and say "hi," and welcom Rhiannon to the DD blogger community.


Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 74

Happy Saturday all.  I hope you had a great week.  We had another great conversation last week, though it went in a direction very different from what I anticipated.  And, it was a rather telling one.  The topic was alternative punishments.  More specifically, alternatives to spanking.  I assumed we would have a lot of suggestions for alternatives, lots of stories about being subjected to various non-spanking forms of discipline, and maybe the seemingly inevitable tangential discussion around chastity.  But, very little of that actually happened.  Instead, the surprisingly strong consensus seemed to be a lack of interest in alternatives, and a strong desire to make spanking the exclusive means of discipline.  This seems to me to have inadvertently answered a question I have thrown out there in various ways in past posts, namely to what extent is discipline--changing behavior--the motivating factor in these relationships versus an interest in spanking that is as much an end as a means.  Clearly, each relationship has its own position in that spectrum, but I was surprised at just how vigorous and numerous were the viewpoints that spanking is not only central to the DD relationship, but that alternatives might be counter-productive.

Anyway, it was a good discussion, and there was another aspect of it that caught  my attention.  When one commenter reacts to another commenter on this blog, they are often forced to preface it with something to the effect of, "I am responding to the anonymous commenter who said . . ."  If there is anything that is clear about our Forum participants, it is that--with a few exceptions like the Merrys--we place an extraordinary value on our anonymity.  A very large majority still post without using even a fake profile and, to my knowledge, we have only one reader who maintains a blog that uses her real picture in that profile such that, for all intents and purposes she is "out" as being on the receiving end of a spanking relationship.  And, there is nothing at all wrong with any of this, and this post is in no way meant to challenge it.  If anonymity is the grease that keeps the conversation going for all of us, then the more of it the better.

But, this week's question asks you to engage in a bit of "what if" exploration, that also may again test a bit the extent to which some of us talk a good game about submitting to our wife's authority. The question is, what if your partner told you they wanted to be more openly in charge?  What if they told you that they want it be clear to anyone who is watching and interested that she wears the pants?  Not necessarily a public announcement that you are in an FLR relationship, but outward actions that leave no doubt about it. And, what if that included her disclosing to anyone she chooses that she spanks you?

How would you react?  Would there be some groups you would be OK coming out to, but not others?  And, which of those do you find more discomforting (to the extent you do find this topic discomforting), the prospect of being outed as being in a relationship led by your spouse and in which you are the junior party, or being outed as being spanked?  That distinction may itself be telling about where we think our society is in terms of both gender equality and openness to kink because, it says a lot if people are coming to see spanking as socially acceptable but there is still a stigma around a man taking second place to his wife in the decision-making hierarchy.

I will kick off this one by trying to answer my own question.  My wife and I have talked fairly extensively about experimenting with this a little, particularly with her being more assertive in social situations.  Not anything like a public announcement that she is in charge, but doing things that send those signals.  As a practical matter, I don't think either of us is ready for being truly open about the DD aspects of our relationships, or the FLR aspects to the extent we really are practicing FLR.  But, I do think that she is more likely to develop into a stronger and more rigorous disciplinarian if she feels more comfortable in assuming that role and to the extent it becomes a more "up front" part of her persona.  For that reason, while the prospect of her making it more clear in social situations that she dominates me really does give me massive butterflies in my stomach every time I think about it, I do think that, given that my biggest complaint about our current DD relationship is that it lacks the rigor and consistent application that I feel I need, if her being more publicly dominant helps move that forward, I am willing to try.  Though, knowing both of us, I do believe that we will draw the line well short of a really public and open demonstration of her dominance.

But, pracicality and real life likelihood really weren't part of my question, were they? The question was, "What if your spouse TOLD you that THEY WANT to be open about it?"  What if this were the direction that your partner--the partner who some of you have agreed will act as head of your household and exercise final decision making authority--told you that this is what she wants and that she expects you to comply?" Would you do it?

For myself, it would make the decision quite a lot easier if two groups could be magically walled off from the disclosure: work colleagues and my parents, particularly my very "traditional male" father.  On the workplace issue, given the profession I am in, I do think there could be a significant downside for my career if it were commonly known that my wife spanks me for disciplinary purposes.  Yet, paradoxically, a comment by Anna a few weeks ago about the feedback she gets from some of Peter's work colleagues about his behavior in that venue left me really wishing that such feedback were available to my wife, because work related temper problems and an unwillingness to submit to authority have definitely had a negative impact on my upward progress.  So, while I find the idea of being outed in any way in that context extremely upsetting, I also recognize that not being out about it also has a negative consequence.

Now, again, as a practical matter, it is very unlikely that my wife would ever "out" our disciplinary relationship, for at least two reasons. First, she is even less of an exhibitionist than I am and far more into maintaining a wall between the world at large and what happens in our personal relationship.  But, that changes a bit as she gets more asssertive and more aware of her personal power.  Second, she has her own career concerns, and the impact of a public disclosure  could actually be more detrimental for her career than for mine.

But, again, for this week's topic, we're not dealing in reality.  We are playing a game of "what if . . ."  So, let's explore that a bit.

Have  a great week.


Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 73

Good morning everyone.  Is it just me, or did we have a great discussion last week?  When we only had two comments by Saturday night, I thought perhaps it was another that I found interesting but no one else did, but once it got some momentum, it was great. I hope you had a great week. 

While our weekly discussion was great, the week itself left me tired.  And, some of that was my own fault.  I had a business trip, including meeting a customer for a "a drink" and then "a" drink turned into several.  It wasn't hugely excessive, but it was enough to leave me tired, cranky and off my game,  Therefore, I will be self-reporting to Disciplinary Wife tonight and, assuming no distractions or interruptions, my bottom will be paying the price in the form of her stern discipline, to make up for my own lack of self-discipline.

So, while spanking may be on my mind most of the day as I think about what awaits me, this week's topic covers everything but spanking.  Specifically, let's talk about the role that other forms of punishment can play in DD.  I don't really have a lot to add to this conversation, at least in terms of actual experience.  Disciplinary Wife and I have talked from time to time about exploring non-corporal punishments, but she has never really followed through.  The one we talk about most often is the possibility of her "grounding" me, like we sometimes did as punishment for our own kids.  Because we've never followed up on it, the parameters of such punishment have always been left somewhat vague, but it might mean something like barring me from socializing with work colleagues for some period of time,  Something along those lines.

What about you?  Have you and your partner implemented any non-spanking punishments?  Tell us all about them.   I'd also be curious to hear whether they have been more or less effective than spanking in effecting real change.  It has occurred to me that, in my particular case, they might actually prove more effective than a hard paddling, because as we discussed last week, I really, really hate the "service submission" thing,  So, perhaps making me do a tedious chore for some period of time, or serve her in some particularly annoying or humiliating way.

Even if you have not been subjected to any such punishments, let's put those creative minds to work coming up with some ideas that might be explored.

I hope you all have a great week.