Friday, July 3, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 95 - Leading & Following - Implications


Hi all.  I hope you have already begun a fun and relaxing Independence Day weekend.  At least those of you in in U.S.  Though it also is holiday season through much of Europe. So, I hope a majority of our community are off having fun right now with friends and family.  I decided to get an early start on this week's topic, because I will be tied up on some other things tomorrow but didn't want to get into the habit of skipping weeks. And, of course, last week's topic was drawing such a pitiful response, it seemed best to just put it out of its misery.
Part of this week's topic relaates to one of our recently closed polls, which asked:

I am [Male or Female] and Outside the Home I prefer to:
Female - Prefer to Follow
  2 (2%)
Female - Prefer to Lead
  5 (5%)
Male - Prefer to Follow
  48 (55%)
Male - Prefer to Lead
  36 (41%)

The responses form the wives were pretty low, but to the extent they are statistically significant, we seem to get more "naturally dominant" females visiting this Forum, than those who prefer to follow the lead of others.  The male response surprised me a bit, and it shows the danger of projection, i.e. of assuming that because you feel a certain way or come at things with a certain motivation, others do as well.  Outside the home, particularly at work, I prefer--strongly prefer--to be in charge.  Evem my submission at home does not come naturally. But, it is something we do because it helps the relationship and helps us both balance out our natural tendencies.  But, from the poll responses, it appears that a majority of the males (those who responded), are really following their "true" natures when they submit to someone else's authority at home.  (I am assuming, of course, that if a man is visiting this blog and taking the time to fill out this poll, then he probably is either participatiing in a DD or FLR relationship or interested in one, but that seems a fairly reasonable assumption.)  I have always believed that many DD males are attracted to it because submitting at home is a reversal of their more dominating role at work.  But, these poll results seem to suggest I am wrong with respect to a majority of the males in our community.


For the topic, I will make this a bit of an open microphone and invite people to comment on the poll results. But, I will also suggest this area of focus: does submitting in one part of your life make other parts of your life easier, or harder, when it comes to leadership and authority?  I will give a concrete example.  As I said, I have a pretty dominating personality at work.  It gets me in trouble with colleagues who outrank me in way or another.  But, the challenge has really been playing out with a particular customer.  "The customer is always right." True enough for any business or profession that rises and falls based on the quality of service it provides.  But, we all know that in reality, customers, clients, buyers, etc., are not always right.  For the last several weeks, I have been struggling with one who not only isn't always right, he's really just a complete asshole.  But, he also controls a fairly substantial amount of business.  Not enough that it would kill me if he walked away, but enough that it is certainly in my interest to continue to take his shit if that also allows me to continue to take his business.  But, I really am not very  good at that.  Submitting to someone else's authority, particularly someone who is being a jerk, just goes against every instinct.  I also can't say that submitting more at home is helping much at managing the situaiton, at least not in terms of making me able to submit more naturally.  Where it has helped, however, is I did ask my wife to make losing this particular customer a spankable offense, if the loss results from my temper or unwillingness to submit.


This issue can also cut the other way.  If you submit at home, does it make it harder for you to exercise authority at work or in other situations where authority or commanding others is required?  On this aspect, I feel like DD and FLR actually may be making me a better leader. I've always been weak at holding people accountable.  While I have a dominant personality, I also don't like exercising power over people.  It just isn't my thing.  So, when someone screws up, I tend to fume inside but outwardly accept whatever excuse they offer.  But, I'm finding myself being more direct lately in addressing under-performance.  Less willing to accept an excuse for failing to do something the way it should be done.  It's hard, but it does extend from an increasing sense that I am increasingly being held accountable at home when I fail to meet my wife's stated expectations.  I can choose to perform, and if I don't then I am, in effect, choosing ot be spanked.  If I am accountable for under-performance, then why shouldn't the people I work with be equally accountable? This whole dynamic also gives me increasing respect for what we ask of our Disciplinary Wives when we ask them to take on a leadership role that includes rigorously holding us accountable.  


Finally, given the majority of respondents who said they like to follow outside the home, do you feel like that holds you back?  Is it harder for you to succeeed at work, get a promotion, a raise, etc., if your natural inclination is to be a follower and not a leader?  And, if so, in the broader scheme of your life, is DD and FLR a positive force, or something that exacerbates and reinforces a natural inclination that isn't serving your larger life goals particularly well?
That one turned out to be a bit longer, and weightier than expected.  Conveniently, I gave everyone an extra day to consider it!

Have a great holiday, and please be safe!

Dan

Saturday, June 27, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 94 - What Should They Know?

Hi all.  Welcome to another session here at our Forum.  I hope you all had a great week.  I am, in all honesty, just exhausted.  Work has gone from really busy to absolutely, totally, insanely, can I somehow squeeze 25 hours into a 24 hour day, kind of busy.  But, I get the feeling that when I write the post for our last weekly forum of 2015, or our first of 2016, I'm going to look back on this year with a lot of satisfaction, as one where both I and the world chnaged a lot, mostly in my personal case in a positive direction.  To some extent, it is a reflection of outiside forces acting on my career and my life, but this also is a year where, after some periods of stagnation, we are exploring our disciplinary relationship at a deeper level.  Before this year, FLR was never really an explicit goal of our relationship.  It was more classic domestic discipline, of the sort that Fred lives and has been kind enough to describe.

When change happens, it's often gradual and its impetus may be varied.  This subtle shift we are going through from DD to a wider FLR is like that.  Some of it came as a direct result of connections made through this Forum.  Exploring the more FLR-oriented portion of the disciplinary spectrum, through comments on this blog, through the blogs maintained by members of our community, and sometimes through emails with some of our members, left me more open to exploring wider themes of submission.  Frankly, my own inability to conform to authority was also part of the impetus, as I continued to watch my maverick orientatoin and inability to follow rules at work continue to limit opportunities (though while undeniably making opportunitiies as well).  I also started getting more exposure to a few really top-tier layers in my profession, and I started seeing that what distinguished them wasn't always some extra spark of genius but, rather, they created and imposed a more machine-like, disciplined process on things.  I don't feel like I am ever going to be successful in creating that disciplined machine if I can't show more discipline myself.  Hence, our increasing exploration of FLR as I have asked my wife to continually take more and more of the lead.

Now, that was a lot of self-revelation compared to my usual Q&A style, but it relates to this week's topic, which in turn relates to last week's topic and some of the comments that were made over the last day or so.  In inching toward a more FLR-oriented lifestyle, we inevitably move toward a more transparently female-led lifestyle.  Spankings are episodes; FLR is more of a continuing power exchange and, if the woman is leading and making decisions, that is inevitably going to be on display at various levels.  And, how far that leadership extends may be a function of the settings in which it is allowed to be on display.  In trying to really embrace her leadership, we keep confronting the issue of how transparent to be about it. 

Hence, last week's topic focused (or tried to) on interferences and impediments to living the DD or FLR lifestyle.  One that always comes up is children, and this time it was no different.  Though, my question also tried to get at what role our need for anyonymity conflicts with our desire to make DD/FLR a bigger part of our lives.  But, this week, let's stick to the children issue, particularly since Marisa and K.D. were beginning to have an exchange on that exact issue from seemingly very divergent perspectives.

So, for this week's topic I ask, what should kids know and when?  Marisa's position (if I am representing it accurately) was that they should not, while they are kids,  know about the physical disciplinary aspect of the relationship.  KD, on the other hand, lives a life where it is all out in the open.   We seem to have both ends of the spectrum represented, so let's open it up to those who may be at either end or somewhere in between. 

I admit to being a fence-sittter on this one.  We have gone to great lengths to keep our kids from knowing, though to what extent we have been successful I have no idea.  Kids always know more than you think they do.  I also recognize there has been a big, big price to pay for our approach in terms of DD and FLR taking root in our marriage only in limited, sporadic ways.  I also struggle with whether knowing about the DD elements of a marriage would really have the negative impact that some people think, or whether most kids even care that much about what their partents do, beyond the normal mild to moderate distaste at the idea of any adult engaging in anything sexual, let alone kinky.  Rhiannon has asked on her blog whether, perhaps, kids are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they don't care about what we do mearly as much as we presume.  Also, might their reaction to it depend a lot on the age at which they learn about it?  I think it would be a shock for my kids, because we started our FLR journey at a much later part of their lives, but what if a fully "out" FLR that included DD was just what they grew up with as young kids?   And, finally, to what extent, if at all, does gender matter?  I don't think it is the worst thing in the world for young women to grow up with a strong sense of female empowerment, since god knows they are confronted with enough negative images and inputs on that front. But, what about boys -- would knowing dad gets spanked give them an increased respect for women, or a decreased level of respect for dad?

Big themes, and I know we have explored this one before.  But, our community here continues to grow, so sometimes it is good to revisit and open things up to our new members to give their perspective.

Have a great weekend!

Dan

Saturday, June 20, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 93 - Interference

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  Sorry again for last week's absence.  Many of us have expressed frustation at one point or another with the extent to which "real life" interferes with our best intentions regarding domestic discipline and FLR.  Last week was one of those times for me, and it was the blog that was interfered with.  I promise to try not to let that happen very often, though I am finding that Saurdays are getting increasingly busy and more often than usual I am not near a computer for large parts of the morning.  I'm trying to figure out how to deal with that -- perhaps trying to draft a post earlier in the week so it is ready when Saturday morning comes.  I also might start posting on Friday nights.  Though, my posting and comments already suffer sometimes from lack of proofreading, and given the prevalence of Friday happy hours and social events,  I doubt posting that day will aid in my efforts to produce a quality product.

These thoughts about real life interfering with our best intentions provided an easy segue into a blog topic.  What aspects of the rest of your life interfere the most with your efforts or goals regarding DD or FLR, and what do you do, if anything, to try to minimize or mitigate them?  Are the interferences family related, work, social activities, business travel?  Or, do you simply not allow such things to interfere when punishment or discipline has been earned?  One aspect of this that I am particularly curious about is whether all or most of the major interferences are also tied up in the fact that for most of us, the DD and FLR aspects of our relationships are something we keep hidden from others.  Would being more open about this thing we do result in it being a deeper and more regular part of our lives?  Imagine how much our lives might change if all our wives had no problem with something like this:



I hope you all have a great weekend.

Dan


Friday, June 12, 2015

One Week Hiatus

Hello all.  I have some things I need to take care of this weekend and probably won't be near a computer to do a topic posting.  So, the blog will take a break for a week.  That will also give everyone some additional time to answer last week's topic, given that lots of people posted but few actually on topic.  :-)

Have a good weekend.

Dan

Saturday, June 6, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 92 - Entertainment

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  We've had some good discusssions lately, getting at the roots of how people think about their DD and FLR relationships, what motivates them, etc.  With summer upon us though, let's switch gears a little and take things in a slightly lighter direction.

I finished my work week with a little diversion.  A night at the movies, which is a luxury I haven't had in awhile thanks to a hellishly busy work environment. But, by Friday I had hit the inevitable wall and needed an escape.  Following through on that escapist bent, I went to see Mad Max: Fury Road.  One of its predecessors, The Road Warrior, is one of my personal favorites for testosterone-laden escapist adventures.   (Probably because in addition to my other vices, I like to go fast, in just about every aspect of my life, for good or bad.)  This latest contribution to the series is, however, a little different and reflects some of what we have been talking about recently in terms of gender roles and expectations and how they impact leadership. One reviewer characterized the movie as "a kinetic, hallucinatory, boldly feminist chase flick," which sums it up pretty well -- but who would have thought "boldly feminist" would appear in the same sentence with "chase flick."  But, there it is, and it's accurate.

 As with most really good movies, this one doesn't tell, but shows.  The lead character, by the end of the movie, really isn't Max but, rather, the female protagonist, Imperator Furiosa, played by Charlize Theron.  She is the real "road warrior" in this flick. But, more than warrior.  Leader.  In this male-famale adventure match up, she is clearly the stronger player, in terms of both warrior-ing and leading.  There is a great scene where the bad guys are coming, the good guys are down to three bullets.  Max fires the rifle twice.  Misses twice.  He hesitates for a moment, then hands the gun to Furiosa, who fires and hits.  It is a subtly powerful scene, with the warrior Max handing over the power to someone he knows is his better.  And, like many really confident leaders, she doesn't demand or force.  She lets him figure out that she is better than him in this area,  allows the time necessary for him to make a free choice to hand leadership over to her and, once he does, she performs.  Again, a lot going on in that one scene.  

But, enough about that particular flick, particularly after I just said I wanted to go more light-hearted. This week's topic is about DD, FLR and similar power-exchange lifestyles in the movies and literature.  What is your favorite movie, book or television show with such themes? Or that explore female leadership in positive or interesting ways?

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 91 - Would You Do It Again

Hello all.  Welcome back.  I hope you had a good week.

We had a poll close, this one focusing on where our US readers are located.  Here are the results:

Northeast
  13 (22%)
Southeast
  6 (10%)
Midwest
  15 (25%)
Southwest - Rocky Mountaiin West
  9 (15%)
California
  13 (22%)
Pacific Northwest
  3 (5%)

I'm not sure what to say about this one, other than the Pacific Northwest seems remarkably uninterested in DD and FLR blogs.  I didn't have many preconceived notions of how this one might turn out, but I did think the results for the Southeast might be higher, give the prevalance of corporal punishment in that area of the country until relatively recently. 

In case people are intersted, here are the most recent Blogger statistics showing the country-by-country breakdown of our readership:

United States
3998
United Kingdom
591
Greece
556
Germany
263
Canada
186
Poland
160
France
153
Netherlands
134
Ukraine
80
Russia
77

I''m always a little suspicious of these figures, however, because I have noticed over time that the variability from week to week is huge, and I'm not sure what would account for that.  It does make me wonder whether the statistics genuinely reflect where readers are located, versus where certain internet servers are located.  In other words, are there a high percentage of our readership using services that disguise their identity by routing traffic through various proxy servers.  Or, are there other explanations that to go way beyond my level of technical sophistication.

Anyway, observations on the above are obvisously welcome, though I don't have much personally to add.  I would be curious to hear more from our non-US readers about the extent to which female led relationships, including DD and FLR, are accepted in their countries and cultures.

But, I also wanted to get to a topic that Marisa raised a couple of weeks ago, namely if your current relationship ended, would you continue to use DD?

For me, the answer is yes.  To the point that if my current relationship ended, I think I would probably actively seekk out someone who was interested in, or at least open to, a DD and/or FLR relationship.

Finally, I've added a new poll, this one designed to test the extent to which our preferences for leadership in the home are reflected in our preferences in other contexts, particularly work.  In order to keep it simple, I have assumed that men who are likely to read this blog want to follow the wife's lead at home, and that she wants to lead in that context.  I know that is a gross over-simplification, but I wanted to keep this one relatively simple and binary.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 90 - Consistency #2

Hi all. For those in the US, I hope you are enjoying the long holiday weekend.  I am feeling more than a little lazy today.  Well, honestly, it's more exhaustion than laziness.  In any event, I am not feeling particularly inpsired when it comes to topics.  

So, let's extend our talk on consistency a little.  It seems clear that many of us want consistency in our DD and FLR relationships.  Some have achieved it.  For others, it is challenging.  So, what are the major impediments for building more consistency?  Kids? Social events? Work? Work-related travel?  For those of you who have managed to build more consistency into your DD and FLR relatonships, how did you get there?  What conflict tips can you give to the rest of us?

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, May 16, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 49 - Consistency

Hi all. I hope you had a great week and are heading into a fun and/or relaxing weekend. 

This week's topic relates to something we've talked about under the general heading of "More," i.e. what more we want from our DD and FLR relationships.  The "more" in the case of this week's topic is "consistency."  What role does consistency play in your relationship?  Is DD more an event, or a process?  Meaning, is it something that happens sporadically for specific infractions, or is it something that is part of a more consistently applied disciplinary or FLR regimen?

One theme I would like to see us explore a bit is, for the Disciplinary Wives, is it hard to be consistent, or harder NOT to be?  This is an issue Rhiannon has explored on her blog, and she took my own thoughts on this in  a different direction.  I had always assumed that being the leader in an FLR-oriented relationship, or doling out DD punishments consistently, could be a very difficult thing, because of the need to be "on" all the time.  Always, or at least very often, in that control position and that leader mindset.  But, as her blog points out, the converse may be even more of a problem.  The on again, off again ebbs and flows might keep the disciplinary wife always on edge and never quite getting into a personal zone where she really feels in control.

I know this is a broad topic, but that seems to work well with this group.  Throwing out a general theme and letting people take it where they will.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, May 9, 2015

The Forum Vol. 88 -- What Holds You Back?

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week and are heading into a relaxing weekend. That was a good discussion last week.  Somehow, I never tire of topics that hit the question of origins, how people get started in domestic discipline, from one angle or another.  Thanks to everyone who contributed.  It was especially heartening to see the number of new contributors we've picked up in the last few weeks.

We had another poll close this week.  This one was directed at our Disciplinary Wives and asked, "What holds you back from assuming greater authority or giving stricter discipline?" There were 27 total votes, and people were allowed to vote for more than one option.  Here are the results:

Social conditioning re gender roles
  10 (37%)
Reluctant to really "hurt" him
  13 (48%)
Uncomfortable being perceived as "bitchy"
  8 (29%)
Afraid he will resist
  5 (18%)
Unpracticted in leading
  7 (25%)
Other
  5 (18%)

 There are some obviousl problems with this poll.  As someone pointed out shortly after I posted it, there is no option for "nothing."  Some women are leading fully actualized DD relatonships, and nothing is holding them back.   That may, or may not, be what is going on wiht the relatively high numboer of "Other" answers in this one.  On the other hand, I'm not surprised that "social conditioning" and the reluctance to dole out something really painful are way up there.

I don't feel like I have a lot more to add personally to this one, and I'd love to hear from the wives.  So, tell us about what what, if anything, holds you back from being the Leader or Disciplinarian you want to be or that your husband tells you he really wants or needs.

I also added a new poll.  Nothing particularly provocative.  Just more curiosity about who we are.  Also, my apologies to the first 7 people who voted, but I had to pull it down and restart when I realized I left out a category.  Unfortunately, the Blogger polling gadget doesn't allow you to modify a poll once someone has voted.

Have a great week.

Dan




Saturday, May 2, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 87 - That One Event

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Anna's topic from last week generated a great discussion.  It was also a heartening experience for people living the lifestyle or interested in it, because many of the "ideal" scenarios our group described were not just male Femdom fantasy fare, but well within in the norm for many DD couples.  It was especially inspiring that many couples apparently already are experiencing their ideal.

Now, on to this week's topic.  Our polls show that it is very often the man who initiates the DD relationship, by asking for it.   Though, every once in awhile, a Disciplinary Wife initiates it on her own.  Many men also express that they had been very interested in spanking, DD or FLR-type relationships for some time before they actually had an opportunity to pursue on.  So, this week's question is, was there a specific event that caused you finally to ask for it?  Some particular bit of bad behavior?  Maybe a point of high stress or remorse?  Perhaps the fascination just finally became overpowering? Or, did the opportunity finally present itself, so you took it?

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, April 25, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 86 -

 Hello all.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying the weekend. 

This week's topic comes from one of our Disciplinary Wives.  Anna suggested this topic:

"As a wife I would love to know what the ideal or dream scenario men find they think of most [regarding discipline]. That would include place, positon, verbal abuse or not, verbal warnings or not, weapons of choice. Position of choice and to me as a woman what sort of after care would they find would be best for them."

So guys, when you think about your ideal disciplinary relationship or scenario, what does it look like?  Let's also broaden it a bit to include our Disciplinary Wives' ideals and dreams.

Have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 85 - Poll Results & New Poll

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Forum. I hope you had a good week.  I thought last week's discussion was great, with many different views exchanged.

Another poll closed last week, this one aimed at our Disciplinary Wives.  It aksed what motivates them to participate in a DD or FLR lifestyle.  There were 32 responses, which is great.  Here are the results.

Makes me feel powerful
  10 (31%)
Give me more control over my life
  12 (37%)
Punishing his bad behvior clears the air
  14 (43%)
Punishment makes him behave better
  17 (53%)
He asked me to, so I accommodate iit but am not that into it
  7 (21%)
I am a natural Dominant, so this lifestyle fits me
  9 (28%)
Other
  2 (6%)

It's an interesting distribution, and at least somewhat assuring that our Disciplinary Couples are in it for similar reasons.  The two highest responses both focused on the punishment aspect of DD, and the same was true of a poll we did of the husbands a few weeks ago.  For a significant number of couples, it appears that both spouses are motivated to use DD because it is designed to correct bad behavior.

Looking back at this poll, I probably could have done a better job with the options, though only 2 women chose "Other."  One option that is clearly missing is pure erotic or sexual motivation, i.e. using spanking and discpline because it is sexually arousing.  I also tied punishment to "clearing the air" and behavior modification, but maybe it serves other purposes, such as pure retaliation or giving the wife a way to voice her displeasure in a very concrete way, though that is sort of subsumed in "clearing the air."

In any event, in terms of using this as a springboard for further discussion, I would like to invite the women who participated to tell us a little more about why they do This Thing We Do, what they get out of it, and what purpose it serves in their relationship.   Guys, let's make the Disciplinary Wives feel welcome, which means using our manners.  Based on conversations with one of the few female FLR bloggers out there, I have come to realize that one reason there are, in fact, so few of them is any time one of them posts anything they get bomarded with a bunch of random strangers calling them Mistress or Goddess and hitting them up with variations of, "I know you're married, but if you would ever consider spanking someone other than your husband, I would be honored . . ."  None of that in relation to this post, please. 

I have also posted a new poll.  Like last time, this one is for the women.  As those who follow this blog and our polls know, a few months ago we ran a poll that confirmed that most men want their DD and FLR wives to be harder on them.  More strict, more controlling, and deliveirng more intense punishment.  The new poll asks the question, if that is what so many men want, what holds you back or makes it harder for you to assume that more strict and dominating role.

Have a great week.

Dan


Friday, April 10, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 84 - Age & Wisdom

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  For me, it was tiring, frustrating, disappointing.  Tiring, because of lack of sleep, some workplace socialzing, too many work hours, and too many hours laying in bed thinking about work.  Frustrating, because of just having too many things to do, and too few hours to do them in.  Disappointing, because I went into the week pledging to be a good citizen at work, and by the end of the week I had lost my temper a half-dozen times and generally engaged in all the behaviors that lead Anna to spank Peter at the office.  It happens, but I can tell I am in one of those phases where I really need to be reined in.

A few years ago, I probably wouldn't have been able to admit some of my behavior problems.  And, I definitely would not have taken responsibility for them, let alone asked someone to hold me responsible for them.  Which brings us to this week's topic.  Several weeks ago, we talked about a poll that tested the ages of our Forum participants, which revealed that a very large majority of our community are over the age of 50.  We also had a poll that revealed that is it usually the man who asks for the DD or FLR relationship.

So, why is it that older men, those in their late 40s and into their 50s, tend to be more open to, or actively seek, an FLR or DD relationship? Kathy at Femdom 101 commented that it is because older men are more mature.  I'm not sure I agree, or at least I don't understand exactly how maturity would lead to increased openness to being controlled or disciplined by your spouse.  My own working theory is that for many of us, it is our late 40s when we really hit our stride at work, being given much more authority and control, but that increased responsibilty drives a corresponding need to give up some of that control and responsibility to another person.   But, maybe there is a "sweetspot" where our need to be controlled or punished corresponds with sufficient maturity to recognize it and ask for it.  What are your thougths?

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, April 4, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 83 - Closet DD and FLR practitioners

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  I hope you all had a great week as we head into this Easter Weekend.  I must admit, it is becoming disconcerting the extent to which the seasons pass in the blink of an eye.  It seems like winter was here for a few moments, then just vanished. I'm just getting old I suppose -- complaining about time passing too fast and the various failings of the younger generation.

This week's topic is from one of our readers: Without naming names, do you know someone who you think might be living a DD or FLR relationship?

For my part, there are no couples we know who I strongly suspect might be into these relationships.  I do know some who I think desperately need it, but none who show signs of actually being in one. 




So, how about you?  Without naming names, is there someone in your life who shows signs of being into DD or FLR? An outwardly vanilla couple that you suspect keeps a hidden dungeon filled with spanking toys?  The neighbor who seems to receive a lot of elongated shipping packages just the right size for various paddles and canes?  That demure co-worker who displays hints of hidden kink?  Do tell.

 (Note that we have done a slight variation on this a couple of times before, where I asked whether readers knew people who aren't in DD but really should be, and each time it flopped.)

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Forum - Volume 83 - Motivations

Hi all.  I'm sorry I got a little behind in replying to comments over the last week.  Work has been crazy busy, and it was hard to get to everything I had going.   Thankfully, we have developed enough of a core group of commenters that things keep right on going without me.  That's a great thing.

On to this week's topic, and it is going to be another fairly open-ended conversation.  Our latest poll focused on motivations, i.e. on why we do This Thing We Do.  What is it that drives us to want or need bare-bottomed discipline, given the fairly obvious downside of pain, tears, etc.?  Here is what our readers had to say about it:

Need to be under somone's control
  48 (45%)
Behavior/performance improvement
  46 (43%)
Erotic motivation
  45 (42%)
Need/desire to be punished
  67 (63%)
Wife requires it
  22 (20%)
Other
  2 (1%)

It is interesting that all the factors I identified in the poll came into play to a substantial degree, other than the fairly small number of men whose wives simply impose the DD lifestyle.  It's also reassuring that only 2 people said their motivation is something other than the five factors I identified, so it seems I didn't miss any major motivations.

It does surprise me a little that the need or desire for punishment outranked facotrs like needing to be under someone else's control. That does seem to indicate that while there is overlap between the DD and FLR aspects of our readers' spanking relationships, it is not a 1:1 match.


So, what is your motivation for doing This Thing We Do, regardless of which side of the paddle you are on?

I have also added a new poll that focuses on our Disciplinary Wives' motivations.  I realize we still don't seem to have that many female readers, but the numbers are growing, so hopefully the poll will get at least a few responses. 

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, March 21, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 82 - Positions

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  As is too often the case, my Saturday finds me exhaustend and needing to relax and recuperate but, unfortunately, faced with a pile of work that I was unable to get to during the normal week. Modern life I suppose.

This week's topic is about spanking positions.  Which do you use in your spanking relationship?

There is the iconic "over the knee."  Source of so many DD fantasies and undobutedly the inspiration for many DD relationships. But, is it really effective?


Or, maybe standing up while supported by a chair?


It is a position that seems to yield itself to a much more serious ass whipping than OTK.


Or perhaps on the bed, supported by pillows?
\


Or some variation on that theme?


Perhaps draped over a chair?





Or for a lucky few, a special purpose bench or similar equipment in a dedicated spanking space?



What positions does your DD Wife typically command?  Does it depend on the implement she is using? Do you find some are more effective than others at getting her point across?

Have a great week!  One last thing: I can sense my inspiratiion for new topics reaching a low ebb.  If you have ideas, please leave a comment or send me an email.

Dan

Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 81 - Resistance

Hi all.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying your weekend. 

This week's topic is about dealing with resistance.  There are obviously going to be times when we are less cooperative than others.  Maybe you are distracted by work or other issues that need immediate attention.  Or, maybe a punishment was ordered that you feel was not really deserrved.  At those times when you are feeling less cooperative, have you ever actively resisted a spanking or even refused to comply?  If so, how she deal with it? How should she?

Have a great week!

Dan

Saturday, March 7, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 80 - Reporting, plus New Reader Poll

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  I hope you all had a good week and have a relaxing or stimulating weekend ahead, depending on your preferences.

This week's topic is about how bad behavior comes to the attention of our DD wives.  Personal observation obvioulsy plays a major role.  But, what other means do our Disciplinary Wives have, or have they imposed, to gather the information necessary to keep us in check?

Self-reporting?  If so, do you have a particular system in place? How well does it work?  Have you thought of any effective mechanism to prevent him from cheating by just not telling?

How about informants? Is there someone in his life who will rat him out for bad behavior, such as Anna's relationships with some of Peter's workplace colleagues?  Monitor spending, internet use, emails, etc.?  One of our FLR wives and bloggers who is all about finding concrete ways to transform FLR goals into FLR daily reality recommends making him keep and submit a daily journal. 

I have also posted a new poll.  The topic is a little squishy, and it's a hard one to do within the inherent limitations of a poll with pre-formed answers, but it tries to quantify the motivations underlying the disciplined husband's interests in pursuing a DD lifestyle.

I hope you all have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 79 - Assurances for Tentative Disciplinary Wives

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  I hope you all had a great week.   This post is one that I think a lot of disciplined husbands may want to ask their wives to read.  Because it touches on a dynamic that I strongly suspected cut across a lot of DD and FLR relationships.  For the last few weeks, our Forum has had a poll open consisting of some very binary questiions for disciplined men about exactly how it is they wish their wives would approach this aspect of the relationship, all centering in one or another on the level of intensity and control the desire.  The available answers in each case being a simple "more" or "less."  Do we want more severe spankings, or less?  More frequent discipline, or less?  Wives who exercise more control over us, or less.  Well, the results are in and, for once, they are consistent with my pre-existing biases:

"If I could change my DD relationship, I wish (pick one from each pair that applies)":

Spankings were more severe
  88 (63%)
Spankings were less severe
  4 (2%)
Discipline was more frequent
  112 (81%)
Discipline was less frequent
  3 (2%)
My partner would exercise more control over me
  94 (68%)
My partner would excercise less control over me
  5 (3%)
My partner was more openly dominant
  86 (62%)
My partner was less openly dominant
  6 (4%)


Now, I've always cautioned that all these polls have to be taken with a very big grain of salt.  The sample sizes are limited, they are open to anyone who stops by, and the people who stop by may not be a representative sample of the DD community, let alone the community at large.   But, these results are so lop-sided, that is hard NOT to read something real into them.  Our Disciplined Husbands (at least the 138 who voted) resoundingly, overwhelmingly want their wives to do what they are doing -- only MORE SO.

 (Note, the overall percentages don't work out well, because people had the option of responding to less than all questions, so you really have to compare the votes for each binary choice.)

This poll also has a bit of a history.  It extends from an off-line email conversation I had with one of our Disciplinary Wives in which she expressed what I think is a very common concern, i.e. that in being consistently rigorous in enforcing her rules and being a strong Leader in the relationship, it might be more than he wanted.  I told her I really doubted it and that, at least for me, the best advice I saw on the old Disciplinary Wives Club was to err on the side of being strict and severe.  The men who ask for these kind of relationships want them for a reason.  They really, truly, want to be subject to hard, consistent discipline.  If he isfeeling any disappointment, it is much more likely to be because his wife is not being strict enough, not being consistent enough, not being severe enough.

These results certainly bear that out.  Where spankings are concerned, disciplined men want them to be harder and more frequent.  With the level of control, it's the same.  Very slighlty fewer want a more openly dominant spouse, but the results still tilt way on the side of "more."

Now, there are two possible takeaways for our Disciplinary Wives.  The first, and one I hope you don't feel, is that this puts you under more pressure to lead and to be stern and, in short, to be even more of something that you're already struggling with.  But, the alternative way to look at it--and this dovetails nicely with last week's question--is that to the extent any "struggles" you have with stepping into the role of a full DD wife are because you think that he may balk, resist or be silently unhappy, these results are a very strong indication that you likely have his full and complete permission to take on all the leadership you are willing to take.  The odds are very high that he wants you to be stern, he wants you to be strict, he wants you to rigorously enforce your rules.  And, he wants to pay a price when he screws up.  Therefore, if part of you really likes being in full control of your relationship and really wants to be his disciplinarian, this poll says one thing:  Jump in with both feet!

As always, I think the key is communication.  If you have doubts about whether your particular Disciplined Husband wants "more" or "less" or is a Goldilocks mental state of "its just right,"  then ask him outright.  But, based on this poll, there is a strong chance that he really wants you in the role of leader of the relationship and will turn over the control if you're willing to take it.

I don't really have an actual question on this one.  Instead, I'll just open it up for comments.

Have a great weekend!

Dan

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Blogger Content Policy

It is with no small sense of irony that, the day after Alan posted a comment suggesting spanking is out of the closet and no longer that controversial, I learned that Google has issued a new content policy under which it will make "private" sexually explicit blogs.  They have exceptions for sexual content that has some independent scientific or artistic merit. Whatever that means.  And, of course, they don't really tell anyone what that means.  It isn't at all clear to me whether drawings would be included or even whether it applies to sexually-oriented text that doesn't contain graphic images.

While I think an invitation-only blog could work fine, Google has capped partipants at 100 people, and it is by invitation only, which is a problem given that even our more prolific contributors are often posting anonymously and don't even have a fake profile and email address to which to send the invitation.

Given that there is little actual sexual content on this blog, I'm hoping we fly under the radar of the sphincter police.  But, there is some content that could placee our "public" status at risk.  So, I will over the next few days remove some of the more sexually explicit drawings, and I also will likely start deleting comments that have a lot of sexual content, especially content that doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to do with DD or FLR.   Sorry, this really is annoying, and hopefully there will be a big enough outcry that they will rethink this, but i doubt it.