Saturday, June 24, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 211 - Passing It On

“The more a daughter knows the details of her mother's life [...] the stronger the daughter.” - Anita Diamant, The Red Tent.

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - our weekly gathering of men and women in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine was involuntarily restful.  Meaning we are slow at work, which is never a good thing for my mental and emotional health.  While I may be a "bottom" in my relationship with my wife, in the rest of my life I am a top (warning, bad pun about to be explained).  Not in the DD or D/s sense.  Rather, I'm thinking of the child's toy top that spins and spins.  It stays upright and in position as long as momentum keeps it spinning. But, once it slows down, it falls down.  So far this week, I have merely slowed but not fallen. Here's hoping things stay that way.  However, my track record is not good when it comes to staying well-behaved in the midst of a work slowdown.  I get restless, bored and anxious.  But, my wife has learned that pattern well and hopefully will nip it in the bud.

I was hoping that a week off from blogging would yield a flood of new topic ideas.  By that measure, the week was a failure.  But, the family commitment that led me to take a little pause did get me to thinking about at least one Domestic Discipline topic.  It's probably not new, strictly speaking, but I don't recall addressing this particular angle.

We've talked more than once about kids.  Whether they should know.  How to best ensure they don't.  How to work around their presence in the home when trying to maintain a Domestic Discipline or FLR dynamic.  In all of these discussions, it does seem like there has been a pretty strong, though not unanimous, consensus that the DD aspect of our relationships is something best kept to ourselves.  That is what my wife and I have done.  As I have said, however, if we had it to do all over again, I might push my wife to be more open about it.  Especially about her authority and power, because I think it sets a good example and would help her be a great role model.  But, in fairness to our decision making process, it was only recently that her authority started become more pervasive, i.e. something more than the authority to carry out a spanking.  And, it has only been over the last year or so as we have explored a deeper power exchange that I have come to appreciate how hard it is is to grow a real FLR if you are intent on keeping it secret.  An FLR is, by its very nature, more constant, more pervasive, and more outwardly visible than is necessarily the case for DD.  Spankings can be conducted in private, and while keeping them private may be inconvenient, the desire to keep that side of the relationship secret can be accommodated.  That is because spanking is more an "event" than an ongoing process or state of being.  Bad behavior happens, it is addressed, and the partners then go back to their regular roles.  Not so with an FLR.  If the goal is for one partner to be firmly in charge of the other and to be at the top of the familial chain-of-command, then that is much harder to keep secret from the troops.  You can try to keep it from them, but leadership takes communication and practice.  Keeping it secret is tough, and doing so risks inhibiting the HoH partner's ability to really grow into the role and the other partner's ability to become more demonstrably deferential.

But, the impact on the couple isn't really what I want to focus on this week.  Instead, my question is, does the desire to maintain the secrecy of the DD or FLR aspects of your relationship change once the kids grow up and become adults themselves?  More to the point, should it?  Particularly if both parties feel that DD or FLR has been a benefit to their own marriage, isn't that the kind of helpful hint you might want to pass along to your progeny as they go out into the world and face their own marriage and relationship challenges?  And, I'm not limiting the possibility of such communication to moms passing on a bit of relationship advice to their daughters.  While most of the art that I've found on this topic depicts mothers advising their daughters on the benefits of being a spanking wife in a DD relationship, if you had an adult child who was challenged when it comes to personal behavior, or one who might profit from some enforced boundaries, wouldn't you want to pass that along?  Many of the men in these relationships took an honest look at their own behavior and decided to ask their wives to use DD to help them improve. While I don't think I have ever once seen a DD story or drawing with this as the context, it is not hard for me to imagine a caring parent taking their misbehaving adult son aside to counsel him that perhaps he could profit from a strong wifely hand?

Up to this point, I've been more open than my wife is to letting our kids in on the DD aspects of our life, whether my telling them about or or just being more open in her displays of control.  While there have been flashes of such openness here and there, as a whole she has not been very open to it. But,  we and our kids are points in our respective lives where nothing we do is very likely to damage a developing and largely unformed psyche.  And, my wife is very close to our kids. It really wouldn't surprise me if, at some point in the future, one of them might be facing a relationship or personal behavior challenge, and she might decide to impart some words of maternal wisdom.  Or, mothers and daughters sharing in the way they often do, maybe someday a few years from now they are out having a nice lunch and a couple of glasses of wine later she decides to spill the beans.  Stranger things have happened.

What do you think?  Can you see yourself telling one of your adult children about your DD or FLR lifestyle?  Why or why not?  What would your reaction be if your wife did so on her own?

I hope you have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to visit the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

Friday, June 16, 2017

No New Post This Week

Hi all.  I hope you have had a good week and are getting an early start on your weekend.  I have a commitment that is going to keep me away from the computer tomorrow and Sunday, and I don't have anything canned to post today.  So, let's catch up next Saturday.  Have a great weekend. 

Saturday, June 10, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 210 - DD and Stress

If you don't get enough time-outs as a child, you get them as a grownup. ~Andrew Bonifacio

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

Some of the exchanges on the blog got a little interesting last week.  I wonder sometimes why I let myself get drawn into exchanges with trolls.  Part of it is definitely my own combativeness, which gets me in trouble from time to time.  But, I also have become convinced that ignoring them often just doesn't work, as many of them are remarkably persistent.  I also just have a big problem with ignoring bullies.  I have never once met a bully who responds to being ignored by going away.  They go away when someone pops them in the nose.  And, while I have taken those comments down because they detract from the topic at hand, the conversation was, in fact, kind of fun.  I don't think I've ever been accused on the same day of being both a redneck sadist-lover and a liberal wuss!

It was kind of a stressful week, though not because of trolls.  We are going through a family transition.  One of those inevitable things that every family goes through and that is a good thing in the big picture scheme of things, but that doesn't make it less stressful while it is happening.  So, emotions are running high and everyone is more than little stressed out.  

My reaction to stress is mixed where DD is concerned.  If it's the kind of ordinary, low-level, daily grind kind of stress that leads to bad behavior, it helps for her to be firm and consistent.  However, if the stress involves feeling like I have too much to do and too little time, I do tend to want to put everything else on hold.  I also find that crises tend to make it even harder for me to submit to anyone.  My response to a crisis is generally to take command, and that can spill over into every aspect of my life.

How does stress impact your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship?  When outside events are stressing you out or keeping you on edge, do you want your Disciplinary Wife to step up her firmness and control?  

Or, does the DD and FLR aspect of your relationship tend to fall by the wayside in times of crisis?  Do you want it to?  How about you Disciplinary Wives?  When you are stressed out, does it help to be more assertive, controlling and dominant, or do you go in the opposite direction? 

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to our Forum, please take a moment to visit the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 209 - Soften But Not Weaken

"Are your convictions so fragile that mine cannot stand in opposition to them? Is your God so illusory that the presence of my Devil reveals his insufficiency?” - Marquis de Sade

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine was good, though eventful in a lot of ways.  I had one special project I have been working on for a long time that is sort of work-related but not directly.  I don't want to say what it was, because it would reveal a lot more about what I do than I am willing to share at this point, so let's just call it "community service."  But, it was something where t if I succeeded it could have a very important positive impact on another person, but if I failed--and I was highly likely to fail--the consequences would be pretty dire.  Somehow the proverbial rabbit was pulled out of the hat.  It was a team effort, and I could not possibly be prouder of them and what was accomplished.  It has me feeling all warm and fuzzy and has left me incentivized to try to do more along those lines, i.e. looking for ways to help others in situations that don't reward me at all, other than making me feel good.  I say that during a week in which we all witnessed the terrible tragedy that befell two Good Samaritans in Portland.  It reinforces that doing the right thing isn't always easy or consequence free, but I pray that doesn't dissuade anyone from doing it. And, can we all make a pact to stop using the term "Alt-Right"?  These people are White Supremacists and Neo-Nazis and racists.  Let's not water that down by allowing ourselves to be co-opted into using the more benign label they want to hide behind.

It was also an eventful week when it came to observing power exchanges in action, or the consequences of a lack thereof.  I had a major conflagration with someone involving another work-related interaction.  It got pretty nasty, to some extent because we had diametrically opposing interests, and neither of us were willing to give ground.  In this case it involved someone outside my own organization, and there was a competitive aspect to it, but I've seen this happen in more collegial circumstances, too.  There is someone I work with who I consider to be a good friend.  But, every once in a while we butt heads over an issue that is touchy for both of us.  For all intents and purposes, we are peers and that creates a problem when we are on a common project and disagree on something.  There is no tie-breaking mechanism, and no chain-of-command that dictates who wins.  His view is he has more seniority, so in the event of a tie, he wins.  My view is, no, the person who will bear most of the consequences of the decision or be held most directly responsible for it chooses.  The problem is, we both are totally convinced we are right and since the issue is all about who wins in such a situation, we come to a very heated stalemate.  I'm going into this only because it got me to thinking about a point a female HoH made to me some time ago. Her view is that purely equal relationships don't really work in practice, to the extent they actually exist at all.  In most situations, there really does need to be someone who gets to make the final decision. Something that distinguishes D/s and FLR relationships is that instead of drifting through a never-ending series of arguments ending either in stalemate or bruised egos and hurt feelings, the couple has come to an explicit agreement about who makes certain decisions and about what the consequences will be of ignoring the agreed-upon rules.

Which brings me to the other power exchange-ish happening of my week; the little spat that developed with the persistent troll.   Where he and I can't see eye to eye on a very fundamental level is this: I just don't get why another couple's D/s arrangement is any of his business, as long as it is consensual.  He throws around the word "sadist" as if it some kind of sexual epithet, but as long as that couple is OK with their dynamic, why does he or anyone else care whether she enjoys being in charge and doling out punishment or, conversely, does so with great reluctance and self-sacrifice? Is the latter somehow morally superior, or is it just more disingenuous? You know the classic, "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" and similar platitudes that many of us heard growing up and all knew to be pretty much complete bullshit.

I don't have any problem with the concept that my wife might come to enjoy her role, and I certainly don't want to be married to a martyr who engages in this lifestyle only reluctantly and as a form of "sacrifice" for the relationship.  On the other hand, if that is how other couples approach it, I'm fine with that too.  The problem I have with this particular troll is he cannot or will not explain why he thinks he gets to choose how these women should feel, what kind of emotions are "acceptable" for a female HoH to have, and how others should react to it. At bottom, I don't really understand people who think they get to dictate how other people's relationships must work, or even why they care.  As I said in one of my retorts to him yesterday, I have enough problems managing my own relationships without worrying about how everyone else runs theirs. Moreover, I really don't want everyone to adopt my way of acting and thinking and feeling, because I kind of like the "kinkiness" involved in these power-exchange relationships, and if they were to become the norm they wouldn't be kinky.  Finally, I don't have any problem with people having competing likes and dislikes, including the possibility that someone might like something that I find distasteful.  Hence, the quote above from de Sade, which seemed a particularly apropos retort to someone who insists on having his own way on matters of personal behavior, who has a problem with sadism in particular, and who likes throwing around religious quotes.

Well, enough of that.  One of our new commenters (who didn't provide a name) asked me to expand upon a comment I left on JGirl's Taming of the Shrew blog:  She has just had a week of travel that took her away from her HoH and not having him around to make decisions had left her overwhelmed.  Her post explored the issue of co-dependence--or I guess it could more accurately be called just plain old dependence--in these relationships where one person has voluntarily given up some amount of control or power to another person. My comment on her topic was as follows:

Your posting strikes some chords with me regarding concerns I've had about our Female-led form of power exchange. Submission is really difficult for me sometimes, and part of the difficulty lies in my concerns about whether submitting to someone in one part of my life could have blowback in other parts, including my professional life. I've succeeded in my career to some extent because I impose a lot of control and assume a lot of responsibility. So, if I empower someone else to make big decisions for me in my life and if deferring to someone else's judgment becomes my new normal, will it make me less effective in those professional areas that require taking control and making the decisions.

In practice, it hasn't been a big concern, but that could be because while you and Jason are in Stage 3, we are somewhere in the early part of Stage 2. I don't know whether my concerns might start to have some reality if we were in the stage you are.

Do you think there is any way that you could build independence in some areas into your D/s relationship, such that one of the goals Jason gives you or rules he sets could be about taking control or being independent in certain areas? That way he would be setting the direction and the overall behavior he expects, but that could involve him requiring you to take control and exercise independent judgment in some areas?  Or, it very well may be that Stage 3 does cause some co-dependence that may have negative consequences, but that those are outweighed by the benefits you get out of it. That's a judgment only you and Jason are in a place to make.

FYI, the references to Stage 2 and Stage 3 are to a hierarchy of submission that JGirl uses to describe the phases her relationship has gone through, with Stage 3 being a pretty deep and fundamental submission or surrender of authority to the other partner.  The issue she was raising was basically whether giving up control in that way can have negative consequences for our ability to take control and manage other areas of our lives.  I was in turn raising the possibility that maybe the HoH could order the submissive party to take control and make decisions in certain areas.

As I stated, I have had some concerns about whether being on the receiving end of a DD relationship, and increasingly a Female Led one in which I turn over the reins to her more and more in certain areas could have a negative impact in others.  Particularly at work.  I run teams and am expected to lead, so could the conscious decision to surrender authority at home make me less effective as a leader in other areas? So far, if anything it has been the opposite, and in ways I would not have anticipated.  It's not that DD or FLR has "softened" me.  In some ways it has done the opposite.  I often get really frustrated with people who can't make decisions or do their work without a lot of guidance.  In the past, my way of dealing with them tended to be to get more than a little passive-aggressive, forcing them to make decisions on their own or taking the first opportunity to move them out of the group.  What I did not do very well was just tell them what I expected them to do.  While I am kind of naturally "combative" I am not naturally bossy.  I have a genuine aversion to giving orders.  Being the designated "follower" and watching as my wife works to become the designated Leader has illustrated to me in concrete form how hard it really is to give orders, but how things just work better when the Leader says what he or she wants and expects, without all the pussyfooting around.  It is a challenge for my wife to do that, i.e. to just give me a direct order and make it stick, but she has stepped up  to do it, and watching her do so has helped me learn to do the same.

It also reflects a concept I have come to appreciate more over time: chain-of-command.  In the military, people are expected to be both leaders and followers.  The Colonel bosses around the Captain but is in turned bossed around by the General. And, that works pretty well.  Being subject to direction from above not only does not diminish that person's own leadership, it can enhance it and can make the whole organization work better.

So, with that very long introduction, I'm not quite sure how to describe this topic, but maybe something along the lines of does being a disciplined spouse or being the "submissive" party in a relationship result in a negative co-dependence or otherwise "weaken" that party?  If so, are there things you have done to counteract it?

I hope you have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a minute to leave a comment in the Guestbook (tab above).

Saturday, May 27, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 208 - Punishment Versus Discipline

Lord give me chastity, but not yet.  -- St. Augustine

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

Mine kind of sucked.  Work in my industry tends to come in waves, with big projects coming and going.  This week started neck deep in a huge project, then it suddenly went away.  I think many around me felt a sense of relief at the slackening of the frenetic pace, but I always go the opposite direction, feeling antsy and nervous and wondering when the next new big piece of work will come in.  I also ended up with a nasty stomach bug that I'm only now beginning to recover from.  And, to top it all off, in the course of doing some business socializing to try to scare up a new project, I left a new laptop somewhere I shouldn't and someone walked off with it.  The timing was perfect, since last week's topic on being spanked for chores, sloppiness, carelessness, etc. was still garnering responses.  It was a mistake, but one that left me really irritated with myself, because I have a habit of walking off and leaving things, very often my credit card, fairly often my coat, and everyone once in awhile my phone or laptop.  
 Nine times out of ten, I get them back.  This time I didn't.  It's not the end of the world, but it was a fairly expensive loss that resulted from my own carelessness, pure and simple. At such times, I am reminded of the (admittedly totally sexist) wisdom passed from Don Corleone to his son in The Godfather: "I spent my whole life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless. But not men." The implication is that carelessness has consequences and  that it is something that can be avoided with effort.  With that in mind, I did tell my wife that I hoped she would wear my ass out for this particular piece of carelessness. And, since most most of the comments last week focused on the chores aspect of the topic, let's keep it open this week to further comments regarding being spanked for careless, forgetfulness, etc.

Another reason for leaving the carelessness topic open for another week is my writer's block continues.  I just can't think of a damn thing that really interests me regarding DD and FLR right now.  That happens sometimes.  And, this dryspell really does seem to be tied to this one aspect of my life.  In others, my mind is fairly active.  I've been reading a lot, with my usual omnivorous lack of focus.  I've been reading a book on Tantric philosophy (the real stuff, not the Western sexual crap that has little or nothing to do with historical Tantra), a historical biography (Ulysses S. Grant), some religious history stuff, and a self-help book on habit formation.  I just can't think of a damn thing I'm really interested in regarding DD right now.

In fact, I seem to be having some senior moments where the whole topic is concerned.  At first, I thought that maybe I would get out of coming up with something that interested me, by instead of focusing on something that seems to interest many others but does not do anything for me, namely chastity.  Hence the quote at the top of the page.  Then, I did a quick word search on the titles of previous posts and realized I did that one less than six months ago.  How time flies.

So, what to talk about?  One that has been on my mind a little bit recently is "punishment" vs. "discipline" in the context of a DD relationship.  One reason this has been on my mind is some of my own recent DD experiences, including the "multiples" I received for drinking too much and then driving home.  My wife and I generally communicate a lot about our DD and FLR lifestyle, or at least I communicate in the form of my journal and she generally takes it in and sometimes lets me know what she is thinking or adjusts if I say something just isn't working. It was in that vein that I told her after one of our sessions that if part of the goal was to bring about real "surrender" on my part, she might consider doing more of a warmup, and using someone more forgiving tools, as the combination of no warmup swats and using really tough instruments was leading me to "man up," in a way that made it impossible to just give in and let go.  Yet, she didn't change at all.  She still goes right at it, full force, every time.  After several attempts to raise this as an issue, it is clear that she has decided in this instance that she is going to keep keep doing it the way she wants.  While she hasn't let me in on her thinking yet, I suspect it reflects a desire on her part to really punish me for bad behavior, i.e. to make it hurt very badly from start to finish, and she just doesn't care that much whether I "surrender" to it or not.

When I step back and look at the situation objectively, what she is going makes some sense in the overall context of a DD relationship, though it also probably runs counter to what many men say they are looking for.  Many of us seem to want that cathartic experience in which a spanking becomes too much, or in which the remorse is so powerful, that we just let it all go.  And, while we may dress it up as a show of submission and respect that we would surrender in that way to her authority, it also is undeniably something that we want for its impact on our own ego, psyche, etc.  I think that what she is saying with refusing to get on board with my suggestions in this area is that when I really deserve to be punished, that is what it is about.  Something that meets my goals in that instance isn't at all what she cares about. Quite the opposite.  If I have a desire to cry or experience some kind of catharsis from a spanking, cooperating with that is really fulfilling my desires and giving me something I want, which really runs counter to what the punishment is supposed to accomplish.  I want it to serve some purpose in helping me surrender and let go of my resistance. She just wants it to hurt badly enough and long enough that I don't engage in the bad behavior again for a good long while.

Are punishment and discipline separate and distinguishable, and do they entail different kinds of "corrections"?   Is their goal the same?  Or, is it a matter of whose perspective we are looking at it from?  She might be looking to instill more discipline in me or cause me to feel remorse, but she also may see some personal value to her in punishment as pure "giving me what I have coming."

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 207 - Chores, Sloppiness, Etc.

An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. - Earl Wilson (1907-1987) US newspaper columnist

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a great week.

Mine was more than a little unproductive.  Work wasn't very busy, which can be good every once in awhile, but there seems to be this near unbreakable pattern in which if I have 20 things on my to-do list I accomplish all 20, but if I have 2 then I don't get to either of them.  We also had a wave of colds and minor illnesses sweep through the family.  So, we are all feeling more than a little cranky, tired and, in my case, uninspired.  Which means there will be nothing particularly profound for this week.  Not that last week's was much better.  I had a lot of second thoughts about going down the "tell me your fantasies" road, particularly at a time in which one of my biggest blogging frustrations is the little pest who keeps farting at my blog with his repetitive "She spanked my bottom, and then she said something pithy about a wife spanking her husband, and then she made me face the wall, and then some of her friends dropped by and I was embarrassed and my bottom hurt." Over and over and over.  And, he's now leaving the same inane drivel on Kathy's Femdom 101 blog and KD's blog and Hermione's, using two or three different names, both male and female.  It's enough to make me want to remove all the links to other blogs, since the trolls seem to start here, then when I take down their content they follow the trail of links to pollute all the other blogs I like and respect.  But, in the end it didn't get out of hand and we did get a few thought-provoking threads going.

CrimsonKing brought up wanting to integrate Domestic Discipline into more of his everyday life and to help him meet goals, and also more naked chores now that he is in the process of becoming an empty-nester.  I have learned that given the Millennial generation's general co-dependence and lack of desire for anything resembling independence, empty-nester status is more a process than an actual binary change of life status.  But, I envy him his change and hope it does, in fact, allow his wife to take more control.  I share his desire for incorporating DD and FLR into my life on more of a 24/7 basis.  Part of that is about accountability and how lack of it has ripple effects.  We tend to focus on large-scale problems, like my ongoing issues with moderating social drinking, but like the transition to empty-nester status, discipline tends to be an ongoing process, not an event.  When I'm undisciplined and sloppy in small, everyday areas, that can't help but spill over into bigger things. It's kind of like the "broken windows" approach to policing, in which crime prevention focuses on things like petty vandalism and graffiti, because those petty crimes degrade the neighborhood and give people less of a sense that the rules matter. 
Do you get punished for day-to-day things like failing to do chores, or not doing them to her standards?  What kind of failings lead to that result?  Are the areas in which you fail things that are important to her, to you, or to both?

We have not incorporated this into our lifestyle in a major way, to some extent because of the empty-nester issue.  We are getting closer to that stage, but it's not there yet, and there still are more times than not that we have other people in the house.  But, I do think that once we really have the house to ourselves, things may change.  I've talked about this before, but one incident that has stuck in my mind for a very long time involved one of the few occasions when I've been punished for not doing chores.  We split household tasks pretty evenly, though we cover different things based largely on respective competence and interest.  For example, she manages the bank accounts and pays the bills.  I handle investments and retirement accounts.  Where meals are concerned, she shops and cooks, while I clean up.  Most of these divisions of labor are things we drifted into over time, as opposed to something more formally assigned.  But, when we started experimenting with broadening our DD relationship into something that empowered her with real Head of Household status, one aspect she took to like the proverbial duck to water was assigning me more chores.

One of my chores has always been doing the dishes.  While I almost always do them, I also have a tendency to get distracted and to leave a few aspects of the job uncompleted.  For some reason, I had a string of incidents in which I forgot to clean out a rice cooker.  The third time it happened, she texted a picture of the cooker with the rice still in it the next day, and expressed her dissatisfaction in no uncertain terms.  That night, I was sitting at the kitchen table doing some work, and she walked in from her office.

"You were supposed to sweep the floor this weekend, right?"

"Yes, and I did."

"That's 'Yes, Ma'am.," she snapped.

Pointing to some dog hair on the hardwood floors that I had missed, she demanded, "Does this look "swept" to you?"

"I'm sorry.  I will fix it tonight," I responded somewhat distractedly, as my attention was still kind of on what I had been working on.

"You also left the closet door open again this morning.  You know the cat goes in there and tears things up when you leave the door open." (I do, by the way, hate that damn cat.  I sometimes can't help but wish our dogs were meaner and would take her out, but they are cowards and scurry away whenever she strolls through the house.  While my wife may be a budding HoH, in truth its the cat that really holds that status.)

"Did I?  OK.  I'll make sure I don't do it again."

She was having none of this, and also getting more angry that I wasn't really paying attention.

"So, you did a half-ass job on the floors, you left the closet door open repeatedly after I told you not to, and then there is the damn rice cooker.  Shut down your computer, and go to the basement.  You are going to get spanked."

I didn't respond at first, as I was more than a little surprised and what had just happened hadn't quite registered yet.  This hadn't happened before.

"What are you waiting for?" she demanded.  "Get down there, get out the tools, and get your pants off.  You are getting spanked, and I mean now."

And, that's what she did.  I thought since these were fairly small matters, it might be a fairly light spanking.  No such luck.  She thoroughly blistered my ass with a combination of the strap, the paddle and the bath brush.  As I collected myself when it was over, there was a small part of me that resented getting such a hard spanking for such "small" things, but I also felt a new respect for her and the first glimmerings of that "healthy fear" I had said I wanted.  The resentment and the respect were strangely intertwined, because it was the fact that she had spanked for things that were important to her but not necessarily to me that led to the twinge of resentment, but it also gave me that "healthy dose of fear" that I think is necessary for the DD relationship to be real.  More than just about any spanking she had given me for "bigger" issues, that one showed that she was really starting to embrace her HoH role and moving from enforcing rules we had agreed on to imposing rules and assigning consequences regardless of my own views on the matter.

How does she let you know when you've left something undone or poorly done one time too many?  Do you find that being disciplined for smaller things helps you correct bigger behavior problems or meet bigger, more challenging goals?

I hope you have a great week.  Get those chores done!  And, as always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 206 - Fantasy Versus Reality

There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely-or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands. - Oscar Wilde

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, domestic discipline or Female Led Relationships.

Thank you all for the enthusiastic reaction to last week's posting.  People do seem to like it when I tell more personal anecdotes.  So, let me explain why I don't do it that often.  The primary reason is because, believe it or not, I would very quickly run out of material.  One of the things I've said is somewhat lacking in my own DD relationship is consistency.  When men first decide they want this lifestyle, I think there can be a tendency for it to become kind of all-consuming, and there can be an expectation that spankings and other forms of discipline will happen very frequently.  Then, along comes real life with all its competing commitments and distractions.  While I write this blog every week, real disciplinary spankings happen less than monthly.  There also is not a huge amount of variety in the sessions.  They tend to happen in the same place, using the same basic set of tools. So, if I tried to build this blog around personal anecdotes, I would quickly run out of anything interesting to say.  Also, some of what my wife and I deal with as a couple is personal, and while there is obviously some exhibitionism involved in talking about something like this in a public blog, there are some limits on things I will share, such as private conversations with my wife about our relationship.

But, I will share personal stories and thoughts from time to time, because I do sometimes just want to talk to people.  That's always been my goal for this blog.  I want it to encourage real conversations about this interest that we share.  That is also why I get so mad at some of the trolls and the obsessive compulsive verbal diarrhea that some are intent on spewing onto the pages of this blog.  As I pointed out to Tomy in a response to a comment he left yesterday, it's not that I have a problem per se with comments that may reflect something that didn't really happen.  It's that those comments tend to not have anything at all to do with the conversation that is happening.  Oh, the person may throw in one line at the beginning that kind of sort of responds to the topic.  But, it then quickly degenerates into minor variations on whatever obsessive fantasy the troll is fixated on at the moment.  It is basically just masturbation passing for conversation. It's the lack of interaction that really vexes me, along with the attempt to take the  blog in the direction the obsessive commenter wants it to go, instead of in the direction I want it to go.

But, that doesn't mean that I do not want to hear about people's DD-related fantasies, and that's kind of where I want to take things this week.  Though, not really fantasies per se, but more about goals, desires, wishes for where you want your DD or FLR relationship to go, or something you would like to experience. Or, things that you might not want to experience in reality, but that you still find compelling or intriguing.  Maybe it's being brought to tears.  Or, being spanked in front of a witness.  Or spanked in public.  Or in the woods or along the side of a road.  Or maybe visiting a professional disciplinarian.
So, what DD scenarios get me going? Those who have read the blog for awhile know that I have a thing for barns and woodsheds.  I'm not really sure why, but I do.  A story about being taken to the woodshed gets to me every time.  I think it may have been Peter who shared a story about being spanked by an uncle in a barn or shed when he was a teenager (though I may be confusing my commenters).  That whole scenario is something that definitely causes a strong reaction in me.  And, for me it's both the setting and, frankly, the M/m aspect of it.  For reasons I probably will never understand, DD was so compelling to me from the first time I read about it precisely because I found it so incredibly threatening both physically and, more fundamentally, on an ego level.  I am anti-authoritarian to my core and absolutely hate even thinking about being forced to do anything I don't want to do.  Yet, the prospect of that happening was what I found so morbidly fascinating about DD.  I think the thought of being subjected to a spanking by a father figure or uncle is part of that.  In my mind, that scenario is less consensual and more "get down to business" than something in the context of a marital relationship, where there is always going to be more of an erotic component and also the element of something I could resist if I really wanted to.

See, there I went sharing about myself again.  😀  I hope you all will do the same. 

Have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR lifestyle.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 205 - Dan Gets Spanked, Multiples and Asking For It Revisited . . .

A woman should soften but not weaken a man. ~Sigmund Freud

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

Mine was painful. But, for once, not because of self-inflicted damage. Well, not directly anyway.  I managed to make it through an entire week without having too many drinks at happy hour, getting into a tiff with someone at work, or any of the myriad other things that usually leave me feeling dead tired and drained of all energy by Saturday morning.  Instead, I didn't drink alcohol at all, worked out five days consecutively, was reasonably well-behaved and productive at work, did all my chores around the house each day, and didn't break any rules with one small and unintentional exception.  So, how did this wondrous transformation come about?  Simple -- multiple spankings, in combination with being grounded.

I've intentionally avoided focusing a lot on personal disciplinary anecdotes on this blog, but I don't have any other topic in mind this week, plus the last week's events really have been on my mind a lot.  So, this week in lieu of an actual topic, I will share the story of how I got into trouble and the consequences that resulted, and folks can react to it as they like.

I knew in advance that last week had the potential to be challenging.  I really have been trying to take better care of myself, and I went into the week with a conscious goal of staying out of trouble. But, I knew it would be hard.  We had back-to-back social events at work, where bonding over cocktails is the norm.  The first night was a small and limited affair, and though I went into it with the goal of keeping the drinking down to a minimum, the night dragged on longer than expected, so more rounds were ordered, and before I knew it, I was getting home at midnight.  The next night was even worse, though maybe even less intentionally so.  We had a gathering of colleagues that was billed as a dinner, but it was more like a long happy hour with an open bar, with the only food consisting of light appetizers, liberally interspersed with caterers offering trays laded with full glasses of wine.  At some point, you would think I would learn that wine on an empty stomach is a big "no no" for me.  It goes to my head way too fast, and before I know it I've forgotten all about trying to moderate.  Worse, after the "dinner" was over, several visiting colleagues wanted a nightcap, so off we went.  The result being a 1:00 am arrival time at home.

The next day was worthless in terms of getting any actual work done, which wasn't bad in and of itself because I didn't really have that much to do anyway. That's one offsetting advantage to late nights with colleagues -- they are probably just as tired and hungover as you, so no one is really generating work for anyone else.  Anyway, as I was already feeling my usual post-binge need for accountability, I spent a good part of the day surfing for DD or spanking-related stories.  Without going into details, one involved the recipient getting one spanking for a major act of irresponsibility, but under circumstances that would usually result in a second, harder spanking from another family member.  Instead of trying to get out of the second one, he essentially requests it and asks that it be harder than what he has gotten before, because he knows he has screwed up and genuinely wants to wipe the slate clean.  They agree he will get a hard hairbrush spanking that by itself will leave him sobbing, followed by a long, hard strapping with a belt.  And, that is what happens.

Inspired by such tales of consequences requested and imposed, and feeling a genuinely overwhelming need to really be held accountable, I sent my wife a journal entry reminding her that our official "rule" has always been that drinking too much is one offense, and driving home is another, each meriting a separate spanking.  But, though it has been a rule, it has never really been enforced.  Therefore, although I was asking her to enforce that rule, I had no way of really knowing how bad that would be. But, I also felt like I needed to find out.  Not because I wanted that much pain, but because I did screw up, I've done it repeatedly and, if this is all real and not just some kinky game, then I need a punishment that reflects what I did and makes me not do it again. In other words, it needs to be hard enough to get the job done.

Part of me knew what I was asking for, though not really.  If it was done the way it needed to be, I would be left regretting having asked her to do this.  I know it's paradoxical.  I wanted something that I knew I  was not going to want.  But, I need the punishment for very bad behavior to, in fact, be very bad. I need it to be not just at the limits of my ability to take, but beyond.  In an ideal world, it would leave me a crying, sobbing mess after spanking #1, and I should be quaking in fear before spanking #2.  I earned something that bad, and we had agreed that I needed to get the kind of discipline that I have earned, so that the behavior is not repeated.

Although she didn't formally communicate that she agreed to subject me to the sort of discipline I was suggesting, she clearly had it in mind.   Her demeanor on Saturday was all business.  Finally, after being on pins and needles all day, I was sitting at the kitchen table around 8:00 pm getting some work done and she was in our bedroom also doing some work, when she sent me a text telling me to shut everything down and come upstairs.  I turned off my computer, put everything away and locked up, then went upstairs, where she was on the bed working on her laptop.  I stood beside the bed, waiting for her instructions.  She left me standing there in silence for several minutes, not even really acknowledging my presence.  She then asked me a series of questions about whether I had locked up downstairs and put everything away.  I couldn't remember whether I had done one particular task (probably because I was so nervous about what was about to happen).  So, she commanded me to go back down and make sure it had been done.  I trudged back downstairs, then back up to the bedroom, taking my place at her side again as she continued to work.  After again leaving me standing there in silence for several minutes, and again without looking up from her laptop, she began to lecture:

"You know what is going to happen, right?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

[pause - continuing to read without looking up]

 "Are you nervous?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Good.  You should be, since you are going to be getting two very hard spankings."

"Yes, Ma'am."

[still not looking up]

"OK. Get everything set up."

I complied immediately, not wanting to make it worse.  Most of our spankings these days have migrated from the basement to our bedroom, and occur with me draped over a large leather ottoman. I moved it to the center of the room, and retrieved her tools, including some new leather straps I bought after we decided the rubber ones were doing too much damage. 

When I was finished, she got up from the bed and went into the bathroom, instructing me to get undressed and wait for her. 

During all this, every time she instructed me to do something and I replied with "Yes, ma'am,"  there was a definite catch in my voice, like I was on the verge of tears and at risk of sobbing before the spanking even started. That hasn't happened before.  I don't know whether it was knowing how bad it was likely to be, or the emotion involved in approaching her and asking for a spanking that I knew was going to be really bad, or feeling more remorseful than usual, or some combination of all those.  But, something was definitely different.  It was so hard asking her to deliver something I knew was going to be so hard to take, but I knew I deserved it.  That emotional vulnerability is part of the process I know I need.  Humbling me and making me more open to being corrected.  The fact that the humbling seemed to be taking effect even before the first swat seemed like a good sign that I might finally actually cry during the spanking.

When she returned from the bathroom, she gave me a very strong lecture about how irresponsible I had been. It went on for probably three or four minutes. She then commanded me to get into position.

I  took my place on the ottoman, as she chose the implement she wished to start with.  I had thought that after our recent discussions about how starting with really severe tools at full force frustrated my ability to get into a submissive mindset, she might do more of a warmup.  Nope. She began with the heaviest of the new straps, and in terms of pain-producing power, it proved to be every bit the equal of the heavy rubber one for which it was a substitute. She gave me around 20 licks with it, and I was not just gasping or moaning. I was yelling out, almost screeching, with each strike.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if the neighbors overheard.  Unfortunately, it also resulted in me going into  full-blown "man up" mode, and I could never get back to that point of accepting what I had coming from a standpoint of hating the spanking but wanting the correction.  Instead, I just wanted to get through it.  Though, even in that state, there were moments when it hurt so badly that I came close to bursting into tears, though as always . . . not quite. She eventually switched to somewhate milder leather straps, but they still hurt a lot, and she finished with 40 to 50 very hard swats with some mixture of wooden paddles and the bath brush.

After it was over, she informed me I would be getting a similar one the next night.

I was incredibly sore the next day, and spent quite a bit of it sitting on an ice pack. For those who don't believe a disciplinary spanking can leave you not wanting to sit the next day, you obviously have never had a real one.  And, all through the day I got to think about the second round coming that night.  But, I still felt like I really deserved this, so when the butterflies would start flying around in my stomach I told myself: "I can't imagine what it is going to be be like.  But, I deserve this.  I even literally asked for it. So, I am going to try to prepare myself all day NOT to take it like a man and to accept her discipline as the proper consequences for what I did." I sent her a journal entry thanking her for last night, but making the point about how no warm-up and early severity is likely to work against breaking me down emotionally.  But, I told myself that regardless of the kind of spanking she decided to give me, I needed to be prepared to take it, and I needed to start it in the same mindset I began in last night -- humble, submissive, and open to crying.

Well, best laid plans . . . We ended up having guests the next night, and by the time they left my wife was tired and decided to postpone for a day.  So, another day of sitting on an already sore bottom knowing it was going to get a lot sorer.  And this time I had to be at work all day, with thoughts of what was coming that night regularly interrupting my flow.  There has been a time or two when she has announced a spanking almost out of the blue, and my heart would jump up into my throat. But, I do think the long hours of anticipation are worse and kept me even more on edge.  When I am waiting at home for one, I am so at her mercy that there is almost a sense of resignation.  But, being at work all day, knowing one is coming that night, possibly as soon as I walk in the door, creates this uncomfortable and distracting back and forth between my normal routine and thoughts about what I know I will be going through when I get home.  It seems also to make me even more complicit in my own punishment, as I have some control about how late to stay, how long to take driving home, etc.

I arrived home around 7:00. She didn't say anything about her plans, and I didn't ask.  Even though I had asked for all this, including specifically for this second spanking,  part of me definitely hoped she would get distracted and we would, once again, run out the clock before she got to it.  No such luck. At about 8:15, she came out of her office and said simply, "You have about 5 minutes to put away whatever you are working on, then go upstairs and get ready for your second spanking."

"Yes, Ma'am," I replied, resigned to take my medicine as best I could.

I again set up the ottoman and laid out her tools, then stripped naked.  As I waited for her to come up to the room,  I stood silently, very scared of how bad it was going to hurt, but telling myself that however much it did, I had earned it and could easily have avoided it.

She entered the room and was, once again, all business.  I wasn't sure whether she would lecture this time, since she had done it thoroughly and on this same topic two nights before.  But, she did, this time emphasizing that although I would have gotten one spanking for drinking too much regardless,  I could have avoided this second one simply by taking a cab home or getting a hotel room close to work.  When she had said her piece, without a hint of hesitation or reluctance to do what needed to be done she told me tersely, "OK, get into position and get prepared.  This one is going to be bad."

Even after my journal entry letter her know that no warm up was probably counterproductive in terms of getting me to really surrender, she laid into me hard from the outset.  In fact, though she switched implements three or four times, she skipped the straps entirely and used the wooden paddles and the bath brush throughout.  I didn't cry, but it was agony.  She seemed to be trying out some new techniques, too.  She usually delivers volleys of 10 or 15 in a row, then switches sides to deliver another 10 or 15. This time, she gave two or three really hard swats, then paused for several seconds, then another two or three.  Over and over again. This prevented a lot of the numbing that sometimes happens with the wooden paddles. And, no matter, how much I yelled and screeched with each swat, they just kept coming.  There were, like the previous session, times when an individual swat was so hard that I almost burst into tears.  But, I still couldn't quite do it and, unfortunately, I was again in that "just get through it" mindset.  In fact, part of me definitely resented that she hadn't taken my advice to heart about what would get me to that point of full surrender. But, I think the simple answer is that getting me to that point of catharsis was not her goal for these spankings. I had been genuinely irresponsible in a major way, and these spankings were meant to punish, pure and simple. She wanted them to be as painful as they could be, and if that meant I didn't cry or get any kind of emotional release, that was fine with her as long as the real message was delivered.

When it was over, she was not quite finished letting me know my world had changed.

"If you do anything else this week -- any breaking of the rules at all -- you will get spanked again regardless of how sore you may already be from these two spankings. Do you you understand?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"You are not to drink any alcohol at all this week.  I don't care if there are a dozen work-related events requiring handing out with colleagues or potential business contacts, you are not to drink.  Got it?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Good, because if I have to spank you again this week, god help you."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"You also are grounded.  You are to come straight home from work every day. Particularly on Friday.  No happy hour with the team. That seems to be what often gets you into trouble, so we'll just remove that temptation.  Understood?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK. Go get ready for bed."

I gathered my clothes and made my way to the bathroom to get ready for bed, as instructed. My legs were shaking so badly and my bottom so hurting to its core that I could barely manage to get up and walk.  Itt is difficult to even describe how much my bottom ached.  I slept on my stomach most of the night, and even the sheet hurt as it moved over my bottom from time to time during the night.  Oddly, I expected my butt to be a bruised mess the next day, but it wasn't actually any worse than after the first spanking, and the residual pain wasn't really any worse either. I have no way of explaining that.  One noticeable difference from a normal spanking, however, is that I am now five days post-spanking, and definitely still feeling noticeable pain when I sit down.  Usually, the pain goes away after one or two days, even if I still have some marks. And, the marks are not fading fast, which created its own more lingering form of punishment this week. I worked out in the gym every morning, and every morning I had to put a towel on over my gym shorts before putting them on and  taking them off, and I had to leave the towel in place as I  pulled on my underwear and pants after my shower, because the bruises would have been visible from many feet away.

Well, that is a lot of writing for one posting, And, without any real topic attached to it, I will just invite you to comment on any aspect that catches your attention or that you think merits some discussion.  I'm also happy to try to answer any questions you may have.

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to this group, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your Domestic Discipline or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 204 - How Long

“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women." - Nora Ephron

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

This could end up being a pretty painful weekend for me. It was one of those weeks where I let myself get far out on a limb where behavior is concerned.  Typically, I wait for her to take the initiative in ordering punishment, but this time I felt like I really needed to take responsibility proactively.  So, I sent her a journal entry reminding her that for one of these behaviors, the rule we agreed to is that it would result in multiple spankings, delivered within hours or a day or two of each other, in order to really drive the point home.  We talked about "multiples" some time ago, so I'm not going to use it as this week's topic, though it is very much on my mind as I sit here this morning, wondering how I will be sitting come Sunday or Monday.  As I think I said when we explored this as a topic, she really has not used multiple spankings much.  I think maybe once over the course of our DD relationship, and that time in a limited way.  So, I am not really mentally prepared for this, and I am expecting the worst and going through the whole butterflies in my stomach thing.  I thought she might start last night, but she didn't let me in on her plans, so I went to bed nervous and full of anxiety about what this weekend may bring.  But, enough of that for now.

This week's topic kind of relates to a comment from Mary on last week's topic.  She said, "It is not how hard the spanking is given, but how long it lasts."  Now, I think her point was more about it making a lasting impression, rather than "lasts" in the temporal sense.  But, when I thought about it, I'm not sure we have ever talked about how long our respective spankings really last in the sense of how long each session actually takes.  When I am bent over the chair or ottoman and taking a very hard paddling or strapping, it seems to take forever.  But, in reality I am sure the whole thing takes well under 10 minutes.  Probably more like five or six.  But, I've never actually timed one.

A few nights ago I was reading a spanking story in which the wife actually did use a timer.  She and her husband had a list of rules.  The baseline spanking was 5 or 10 minutes (I forget which) and each broken rule that was being addressed added another 5 minutes.  She did include time spent intermittently scolding and lecturing, but if she took breaks to let her arm rest then the timer was stopped, then re-started when the spanking resumed.  This system seemed to me to have some advantages for real behavior correction, because every punishment spanking could be the same in terms of severity or each swat, but the duration was really within his control, because he could earn his way out of longer sessions by simply behaving better and not accumulating as many offenses.  It would also prevent at least some of the "toughing it out" that Fred pointed out (a couple of posts ago), can occur if he knows in advance the number of swats.  And, I have always wondered whether a longer spanking would result in me finally breaking down, as it just kept going on and on with no relief in sight.  In our case, she usually takes mercy after my bottom reaches a certain state, but what if the rule was it keeps going for whatever duration I've earned?

How long do your spankings usually take?  Have you ever timed one?  Does she have a goal for it to last a certain amount of time? Does that vary depending on the offense?

I hope you have a great week. As always, if you are new to this Forum please go to the Guestbook and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 203 - Spanking in Anger

 Know what? Bitches get stuff done. - Tina Fey

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum. Our weekly gathering of me and women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a great week.

I find myself pretty tired at the end of mine.  Work has been insane, my sleep patterns are once again all out of whack, and here I am on a Saturday morning, awake at an insanely early hour for no reason. Spankings aren't really stress relievers for me, but right now I kind of wish they were.  This morning's insomnia resulted from residual anger about something that happened at work yesterday, which leads me to this week's topic.

In the last couple of weeks there have been some comments about anger, i.e. do or should our Disciplinary Wives spank in anger.  Marisa extended it a little and talked about being bitchy during a spanking, hence the quote above, which I've posted before but it's one that's worth repeating.  Merry, on the other hand, says she never spanks in anger.

My wife is somewhere in the middle.  She rarely spanks in the heat of the moment, but on some occasions her frustration is still pretty palpable as she swings her paddle or strap.

Personally, I like it when my wife displays emotion before or during a spanking.  I think it is part of her learning to express her emotions and gain the confidence to say what she means.  I want her to know that it is OK to hurt not just my bottom but my feelings, because it may be that the reason I am bent over getting by bottom strapped or paddled is because I hurt hers.  During our last spanking, she lectured me while I was facing away from her, and I think that gave her the freedom to cut loose a little more than usual, and that in turn helped me get into a more submissive mindset.  Also, my ego is pretty strong, and I need more than just a cold, clinical application of the paddle to break down my defenses and really accept accountability. It also helps me to accept her authority if she is expressing herself like she really is in charge.  So, while I do understand the need for making sure that anger is under control in order to avoid things going far, I am fine with the anger being present and openly expressed.

How about you? Do you prefer "all business," or are displays of anger and emotion something that helps establish your roles or help you get to the emotional state  you need.

 I hope you have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please go to the Guestbook (tab above) and take a moment to tell us about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship or aspirations.

Speaking of the Guestbook, please take a moment to read the very thoughtful and engaging comments from our new Forum participant, Tina.


Saturday, April 15, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 202 - Too Hard

"Some people have to learn the hard way."

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  I added a comment to last week's topic that addressed a real life spanking I received last week.   I don't do that a lot, but this one raised an issue that I thought might make a good topic, because this one may have forced us to think a little bit more about how she can be the most effective in bringing about what we both want, which is making me feel genuinely repentant about what I've done and really changing behavior.

From the beginning, we have taken Domestic Discipline seriously.  Though it clearly has erotic overtones, it isn't part of a kinky game for us.  We have a lot of commenters on here, with relationships that seem to run the gamut from spanking as "funishment," i.e. not really discipline at all, to someone like Fred for whom it is pure discipline with no real erotic or D/s overtones.  On that spectrum, until a year or so ago we were pretty close to Fred's end of the spectrum. DD was more of an event than a lifestyle, and there wasn't a real fundamental change in the power structure.  That has changed this year, with DD more of one tool in a broader FLR lifestyle.  But, the goal really did remain to make me pay a price for bad behavior such that I would be less likely to do it again.

My earliest exposure to Domestic Discipline reinforced that the starting place regarding severity should be, "The harder you spanking him, the more he will love you for it."  And, I still believe there is a lot of truth in that. I also believe that if it isn't really hard, and designed to push him not only to his limits but somewhat beyond them, then is it really punishment?  If it's something you can easily take, then how are you really being punished?
This year, however, I began to have a glimmer of doubt about the "harder is always better" premise.  The doubt was a result of real experience.  Despite doing this for over a decade, one thing I have never yet been able to do is get to a real catharsis, where I just let it go and cry.  Many long-term readers know that tears are something of a fixation for me where DD is concerned, probably because I think it would be good for me to get there, and so far I just can't find the right prescription to to do it.  I do think that severity plays a role in it, and that the instrument needs to be effective enough and the spanking long enough for there to be any hope of reaching the threshold for real tears.  While I've always known that was only part of the prescription, however, it has been only recently that I started seeing the extent to which it not only is not sufficient, it may actually impede the process.

Over the last year, I think we have gone about as far as we can on the "hard instruments" piece of this, and it's really that part that I am rethinking.  Last year I bought three different rubber straps, which I've talked about  in some prior posts.  Two of them in particular are just incredibly, severely painful.  If anything could take me to a point of tears, you would think those would do it.  Yet, I started to suspect that they not only weren't getting me closer, but were but were actually impeding that cathartic, let it all go point of sobbing that I've been both terrified of and morbidly fascinated by for years.  The problem is, those tools hurt so much, that I just cannot give into the process and reach any point of actual submission or surrender when she is strapping me with them.  My mind becomes so singly fixated on just trying to get through it, that there is just no way for me to give in.  I not only do not surrender, I become more resistant to surrendering.  

I really noticed this during our spanking last week. I had gone into with a very conscious intent to be truly repentant, surrendering to a spanking I truly deserved.  She began with her favorite leather strap, and she showed no mercy with it.  It hurt a lot, and I was trying really hard to just give in to the whole experience and NOT take it like a man.  I really felt like I was getting close to being able to just let go and start sobbing.  But, then she switched to one of the rubber straps.  The sharpness of the pain was so much worse, my resistance just skyrocketed.  There was just no way to mentally do anything but resist.  She then went to the thinnest of our three rubber straps, and it too hurt like hell but also wrapped around to catch my hip as much as my bottom. When she switched the side from which she was swinging, she discovered that the end of the strap had been literally cutting into the side of my hip, which brought the whole session to a close.

That session verified for both of us that the notion of severity and 'how much is enough" has some nuances.  I do believe that a disciplinary spanking does need to be more than I can take, but it may be as much or more about duration than severity of each swat.  For me, there seems to be some sweet spot where it hurts a lot, but not so much that my defenses become impossible to surmount.

Any thoughts on this?  Do your spankings reach a point where it just too much to bear?  When that happens, is reaching that state good in that it is at that point that you actually give in and surrender or hit that point of total catharsis or submission? Or, does "take it like a man" kick in so strongly that you can't overcome it?  Are there tools you have used that you have determined really are just too much for a disciplinary spanking such that they become counterproductive? 

I hope you all have a great week. If you are new to our Forum, please visit our Guestbook (tab above) and take a moment to tell us about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 201 - What Goes on in That Head . . .

“The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.”  - Plato, The Republic

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gather of men and women who are participating or positively interested in being in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine started off great, then degenerated.  I said last week that I had made some adjustments after a string of self-destructive behaviors.  It worked and worked well for almost two weeks, then kind of fell apart a couple of days ago.  And, basically the same pattern.  I had every intention of continuing my streak of positive behavior. Then, as I was leaving work I stopped to grab "one drink" with a colleague who wanted to talk about something.  Then some other people from work joined us, and the next thing you know it was three hours later. It wasn't that big a deal, but it did mean my wife was royally pissed off at me for coming home late, and after making some real progress in getting my energy and mood straightened out, I definitely lost some ground.  But, I'm trying.   I fell of the methaphorical horse and now will try to get back on again.  I'm also sitting around today wondering if she is going to order a hard spanking as a fitting consequence for this stumble.  While I really, really don't want one, I can't say that I don't deserve it.  It's also been more than a month since my last one, so if it does happen I know it is going to be extraordinarily painful.

Update: She did let me know earlier today that I will be getting one. As she put it, "A very long, very hard strapping and paddling" tonight. And, of course, my attitude has instantly swung from knowing that I need one and kind of welcoming the accountability, to hoping something happens to interfere with her plans. That's the way it always is with real spankings -- we ask for them, either literally or through our preventable behavior, then once one is ordered we would do anything to get out of it.  It has been long enough between sessions, I know this one is going to hurt so much!  But, I also do know that I deserve one like this.  Though, that doesn't make it any easier to take at the time.

This week's topic comes from CrimsonKing.  He suggested we had we haven't really explored the issue of what exactly is going on in a man's head during a spanking.  That's probably true.  While we've explored why we want to be disciplined, and how we felt after it is over, I'm not sure we have ever had a topic devoted to what he (and she) are thinking during the event itself.

I also had a hard time finding any appropriate art work.  Interestingly, almost everything I found in my collection that seemed to depict his thoughts during the spanking itself seemed to have something to do with "bringing out the boy" themes.

While it's possible that is more a reflection of my own choice in artwork than what is available out there, I don't think so, as I tend to save just about anything with a F/m spanking theme and tend to keep anything depicting spanking kids only if it is, in fact, clear that it is actually an adult being spanked but it makes him feel like a boy again.

But, in any event, what is going on in your mind during the actual event?  Counting the strokes?  Apologizing and swearing to yourself you'll never do THAT again ("that" being whatever you did for the hundredth time that put you in this position again, like me stopping to have that drink with a colleague)?  Or, do you get into some kind of "subspace" or become relaxed or meditative (something I have a hard time imagining, as "relaxed" is the last thing I am during the event).

I also don't want to leave out the ladies, though here I came up with zip for artwork focusing on their thought process during a spanking.  I did find a few, however,  that focused on what she might be thinking when considering giving him one.

So, let's do broaden it out a little where the question to our Disciplinary Wives is concerned. What are you thinking about immediately before his spanking or as you are considering ordering one.

Are you angry or disappointed?

Or, something more positive or titillating?

Excited?  Empowered?

Does it feel like a chore, or do you think of it more like a welcome opportunity to express your views and clear the air?
I hope you all have a great week.  If this is your first time visiting our group, please take a few minutes to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little bit about your DD or FLR lifestyle or desires.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Comment Moderation Back On

All, sorry for the inconvenience, but my blog seems to have been targeted by someone advertising "escort service." Content moderation will stay up until they or their bot lose interest.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

Friday, March 31, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 200 - Humbling & Controlling

Women speak two languages — one of which is verbal. ~William Shakespeare

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I'm posting a little early because I am going to be tied up with other things tomorrow.

I hope you all had a good week. At least mine was not a repeat of the preceding one.  Work was still a little crazy and, as predicted, there was too much family stuff going on for my wife to take care of my infractions from the previous week--which I soooooooo richly deserve to happen--but I managed to avoid repeating, or bettering, the crescendo of self-destructive behavior that occurred this time last week.  So, I guess from time to time I am actually capable of getting myself in check even without her paddle doing it for me.  Though, it did solidify my belief that we really need to continually work on ways to reinforce her status and authority, while holding me more strictly accountable.  

In that vein, last week I included a link to a blog posting by J. Girl in which she talks about what she believes to be three phases of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  While I realize many of this blog's readers don't consider themselves to be in such relationships and are comfortable with Domestic Discipline all by itself, I think her discussion of what she calls Stage 2 has implications for everyone who is in a genuine disciplinary relationship, i.e. one that isn't just fun and games, whether domestic discipline or some more rigorous power exchange.  She labeled this the "Make or Break" stage.  I might also call it "accepting reality" or "surrendering."  For her, it was that stage when she came to grips with the fact she really did not like to be punished.   She talked to a friend who knew about her D/s dynamic, and who observed something to the effect of, “Of course not.  You’re not supposed to like it.  You’re being punished.”  That’s so simple, right? But, also profound and instructive.  If the punishment is real, then I am not supposed to want it.  Instead, I need to have a healthy fear of not playing by the rules we have agreed to.  I have to be genuinely afraid of consequences. I need to dislike where she is taking me but accept that it is for my own good.

What I have really been struggling with -- surprisingly so, given how long we have been at this -- is acknowledging that the reason I engage in the same behaviors over and over again is because deep down inside, I like them.  But, they are bad for me.  I have too many weeks like last week. Maybe not on that scale, but it's all just a matter of degree.  Because living that way ultimately is destructive, she gets to step in and put a stop to it.  By whatever means necessary.  And, at the time, I really dislike it.  I actively resent not being able to do what I want to do.  But, that is how real discipline is supposed to work, right?  When we were spanked or grounded as kids, we didn't like or accept that someone else got to call the shots and impose consequences when we didn't follow the rules.  But, the rules -- and the consequences for breaking them -- existed to protect us, to keep us from doing harmful things to ourselves or others, and to keep us on the straight and narrow.  So, while I really struggle to accept it when she tells me, "This week you will not . . ." it is part of a process that I know is good for me in the end. Even if it is a little like skipping the plate of brownies at work and going for a run. Or, like being sent to the principal's office for a paddling you dreaded but deep down inside knew you deserved.

Now, in order to make any kind of longer term improvement a reality, I get that I need to be humbled. And she needs to be elevated.  That's the only way it will work. I am too headstrong in my current state to really comply fully and cooperatively.  She also is still developing her Power, her Voice, her Authority.  Something that we have not really explored as a couple to accomplish those things is non-verbal communication, other than the obvious - her paddling my ass long and hard when I screw up. I am talking about more subtle communications of power, on the one hand, and submission or surrender to authority on the other. There is a lot of solid research out there showing that how we carry ourselves deeply impacts how much confidence we feel.  

Confident people take up space, and do things like putting their feet up on the desk or meeting room table:

 Their posture or demeanor says, in subtle or not so subtle ways, "I am in charge."
"And you are not."

Conversely, we can adopt postures -- voluntarily or otherwise -- that emphasize that we are not the one in control.

That we recognize and, at least in that moment, accept our own place in the hierarchy. And hers as well.

With that long-winded but hopefully visually inviting introduction, I want to open up the floor to talk about . . . kneeling on it.   Kneeling, sitting at her feet, standing with hands at your sides or behind your back while she scolds or makes you await a spanking.  Positions or postures that you are required to adopt, or that you have undertaken of your own accord, to help humble you or put you in your place.  On the other end of the paddle, are there positions she adopts to show her authority or control over you?

I hope you have a great week. If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to drop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us all a little about yourself and your DD relationship or aspirations.