Saturday, February 13, 2016

The Disciplined Husbands Forum -- Vol. 125 -- DD's Role in the Workplace

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and FLR relationships. I hope you had a great week. 


Last week, one of our commenters gave a glimpse of an FLR system that is geared toward addressing work-related issues, not household chores and personal behavior problems.  As he described it:  "[W]e began a FLR relationship that is focused not on home-life but my job. Her discipline to me is about my job performance, not the chores that I do. I have to tell her how my work is going and where my shortfalls are. She punishes me for those areas where I could have done better (based upon my self-reported on my performance)."

The way this commenter described both his work life (all consuming), its impact on him, and the centrality of his work role to his family's well-being struck a chord with me.  Hell, his description of his life is something I could just cut and paste into my Blogger profile description.  This follows on a comment a few months ago from a guy who talked about how his stressful job caused him to flame out on those around him, which caused him to be less successful than he could have been.  He eventually left that job and started his own shop, but the behavior problems got in the way.  With the help of his former boss and current disciplinarian, he got his act together, started treating everyone better at work, and his productivity soared.

All of this really hits home with me.  I have had a pretty successful career, but it could always be better, and the areas in which I fail tend to result from me shooting myself in the foot.  Temper problems.  Criticizing loudly every bit of bureaucratic stupidity.  Driving everyone around me to be as "Type A" as I am.  And to be perfectly honest, like most people, I don't always live up to my own standards.  Too many items stay on the "to do" list for too long.  My follow-through isn't always flawless.  In short, there are aspects of my work-related performance that could use some help.


How about you?  Have you ever used domestic discipline to address workplace issues?  Are you ever punished, or do you ever punish your significant other, for misbehaving at work?  For not being productive?  For mistreating colleagues, subordinates or superiors?  How do you find out about those problems?  Whether you are the disciplinarian or the disciplined partner, what impact if any does DD have on your job role? 

Have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, February 6, 2016

The Disciplined Husbands Forum - Vol. 124 -- The Plan vs. The Reality


Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Disciplined and Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

Thanks for all the input on our "tears" and "immediate consequences" topics.  On the former, it's hard to say that any general pattern emerged.  Some men cry and some don't.  For those who do, some but not all found it much easier to do after the first time.  In terms of the formula, the only general truth seems to be that the physical pain is not enough, and may not even be a particularly significant component for some.  I did get the sense, rightly or wrongly, that just as I seem to be an anomaly where lack of early interest in spanking is concerned, I also may be on the fringes where this combination of fascination and dread of tears is concerned.  As I said in the post, my original attraction to, yet terror at the prospect of, really sobbing during a DD spanking was by far the most emotionally charged driver of my compulsion to suggest this lifestyle to my wife.  Here we are ten years later, and it still hasn't happened.  If part of the goal of DD is submitting to her authority, I do feel like part of me is still failing to do that if I can't give in and cry.  But, we will I suppose just have to see what time brings.

The discussion did highlight that for most people, "immediate consequences" following a disciplinary infraction is the preference, though one that is hard to achieve.  Particularly for those with kids around.  I am convinced that the presence of children, or lack thereof, is one reason that one of our polls showed the DD population tilted so heavily toward the over-50, post child-rearing crowd.  Something I had not really thought about was whether it was possible to build in an incentive for the disciplinarian to take things in hand quickly, then Ed described the 24-Hour Rule in his household, in which his wife either delivers the spanking within 24 hours or he is off the hook.  That sounds to me like a step in the right direction.

I am still finding myself a little uninspired when it comes to new and original weekly topics.  Now that we have a few years under our belt, I need to go back to some of the early stuff and do some recycling.   This week's topic, however, is something that may not be totally original since we've touched on this theme a bit before, but it was suggested by one of our regular commenters and has not really been done as an independent topic.

The topic is, has your DD relationship changed significantly from the original vision and goals?

For us, while many things have stayed the same, there have undoubtedly been surprises along the way.  Especially the last year.

It's hard to say that we really had a vision for DD when we started.  We didn't even really know what it was.  I had never heard of anything like it before I encountered the DWC website.  So, all I really knew was I wanted to try something like "that," whatever "that" was.  For her, I think she was genuinely attracted to something that gave her a means of exercising more control, venting some frustrations, and exacting some penance.  Of course, the overarching goal was for me to have an incentive to behave better.  Beyond that, we really had no idea exactly what we were getting into.  One thing that is reasonably clear, however, is there was no explicit goal to have a much broader power exchange.  Yes, we wanted to help build up her authority and confidence, but it was all very centered on this central idea of spanking as punishment for particular behavior.  Very much like how Fred characterizes his relationship.

Over the last year, that limited vision began to morph into something different.  It really began, I think, when this blog started getting some participation from Disciplinary Wives who had taken that next step into "Head of Household" status.  Their descriptions of the level of control they exercised reinforced my own deep-seated needs to have boundaries imposed.  I think DD does that, but in the form we were doing it the emphasis was really on the consequences for crossing a line, and not so much about how and by whom the line gets set in the first place.  The "rules' that we had in place--those things that would result in a spanking--were something we both agreed on, and often something I suggested.  But, an HoH system goes beyond that.  It is about not just enforcing the rules, but actually making them.


Interactions with our strong Disciplinary Wives, and especially with one FLR blogger, Rhiannon at http://learningandlivingaflr.blogspot.com led me to start pondering the possibility of expanding from Domestic Discipline into something like an FLR/HOH relationship.

Angela and I talked about it and have taken baby steps in that direction over the last year.  It has not been easy, and there is definitely an aspect of "be careful what you wish for, you might get it" in this experimentation.  The most conspicuous example of that is around what I call "service domination," where she can, and to my chagrin increasingly does, direct me to do more chores around the house and things of that nature.


 It's not the chores themselves that bother me.  I've always been pretty good about carrying my weight on things like that. It really is being ordered to drop what I am doing (frequently work) and respond to some impromptu command to bring in the groceries, or take out the trash, etc.  The irony is I suggested that she start doing that kind of commanding, but once she did, I hated it.  Unfortunately, she did not.  She kind of gets off on it, and it is the one aspect of our FLR-related vision that has really taken root.  Therein lies the challenge, of course, in implementing a real change in the power relationship and in designating a real Head of Household.  It creates an actual hierarchy of decision-makers and, if you are the person at the lower level in the hierarchy, you do what you are told regardless of whether you enjoy it. 


In fact, you may be doing it precisely because you don't like it, because submission that is easy really isn't submission and the goal is to force you to stretch to submit in situations you don't like. I'm learning that is the hard part for me -- taking orders from someone.  Angela has, in fact, spanked me for not doing dishes. But, it was not the spanking itself that was the hardest part to take.  Rather, it was the order to do something that was more of a priority for my HoH than it was for me, and recognizing that now that we appointed her HoH it is her priorities that count and not my own.

So, with that every long-winded account of how our goals and vision have changed, how about yours?

Have a great week.  And, go Broncos!

Dan


Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 123 -- Immediate Consequences & Tears cont.

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  

Thanks to everyone who weighed in last week on the topic of tears.  The one group we didn't hear from much was the disciplinary wives.  A few posted comments, but none posted anything on the question I asked about how bringing the husband to tears affects them.  (Merry wanted to weigh in on the question but has not yet brought her partner to tears.)  I would still love to hear from the Wives on this, and also anything they would care to share regarding their own journey on this issue.  Did you set out wanting to make your husband cry?  Were you reluctant to do so?  How does it feel now -- empowering, satisfying, or something else.  So, in the interests of hearing more from the wives, I want to leave the tears topic open for another week.

Following up on another topic that was suggested a few weeks and also was suggested by DWC Fred's most recent comment, let's talk about prompt behavior correction.  Is spanking immediately after an offense the goal?  If so, what are the impediments to making it happen?  Kids? Jobs? Other interfering events or people? What ways have you worked out to get around those distractions and interferences?  Conversely, is prompt punishment really an unqualified good?  What role does anticipation play?  Is it better to order a punishment and let him stew on it for awhile? I wasn't spanked that often as a kid, but I definitely remember the anxiety that accompanied my mother announcing, "Just wait until your father gets home."  Is there a value in allowing for that time to think about consequences, letting the anticipating build?

I can really argue this one from both perspectives.  I do feel like spankings might work better as real behavior correction if the consequences for bad behavior were more immediate.  On the other hand, there is a certain emotional tension that comes with knowing I will be spanked sometime soon, but not knowing exactly when.  

So, please share your thoughts on immediate punishment, making it happen, and whether it is, in fact, what should happen.  And please continue to tell us anything you want about tears.  I'm really hoping to hear more from the wives on this one.  

Welcome back to a way to initiate prompt behavior correction.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 122 -- Tears

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.

Last week's discussion was about multiple spankings -- spankings delivered in close succession.  That lead pretty naturally into some comments about tears, given the intensity and sheer painfulness of getting multiple, back-to-back blisterings.


Tears.  It is a topic that I consciously try not to overdo on this Forum, not because I am not interested in it.  Precisely the opposite. Left to my own devices, I would probably talk about it every week.  As I said when we last addressed this as a full topic (back in December of 2014), the prospect of tears was really the most significant driver of the emotional reaction I had when I discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club website.  And it was really what distinguished Domestic Discipline from anything else I had seen involving adult spankings.  The stories of men being brought to tears over their wives knees both fascinated me and truly, utterly terrified me.  The thought of letting go of control so thoroughly, submitting to another person so completely, that I would sob in front of my wife while she paddled my bottom was anxiety-inducing to an extent that is really hard to over emphasize.  Yet, the prospect of experiencing that kind of catharsis was also a major impetus for my decision to broach the topic of DD with her.  But, in doing so, I really did half-hope that she would not be interested, because the prospect of being brought to tears just terrified me so much.

So, here we are many years later, and I still have not cried, even as the result of spankings that I think anyone would acknowledge fall into the "severe" range.  That is what I said back in 2014, and it is where we still are today.  I am not alone.  The discussion over a year ago included a user poll, which showed that more than half the respondents had never cried at all, and only about a quarter had gotten to a point of real sobbing.

No crying
  49 (48%)
Yes - only a few tears
  26 (25%)
Yes - real sobbing
  27 (26%)

In the comments that started last week, Anna said she wanted to hear about what holds men back from crying.  I do think that the inability to let go emotionally is a big part of it, but not the only part.  For me, there seem to be a lot of factors at play, including:

(1) I have a lead bottom -- an abnormally high pain threshold.
(2) Spankings are sometimes severe in terms of impact but not always in terms of duration, because my bottom starts to bleed (usually very minor, but enough that it makes her stop).  I think the duration may be important.  Like I am already near my limit, but I know it is not even close to ending. 
(3) "Severity" can have its pros and cons, because some of her tools result in a numb bottom after several swats, rendering the rest of the spanking relatively ineffective.
(4) My wife doesn't do any real "warm up," and I think that is actually counter-productive, because instead of easing myself into submitting to the experience, I instantly "brace myself" and get into that "take it like a man" head space that is hard to get out of.  Similarly, her lectures at this point are not really stern enough to break me down emotionally before the spanking even starts, and I think that may be an important part of the formula.
(5) Finally, I do have a very deep-seated fear of embarrassment that keeps me from quite letting go fully and completely.

Now, it's not like there hasn't been progress over our time doing DD, and especially over the last year.  A big step forward was the rubber paddles we bought last year, which really hurt significantly more than any other tool she's used.  About a month ago, we had one session where I came pretty close, and it was the combination of the heavy rubber paddle, and a bottom that had gone unspanked for several weeks and was especially tender.  So, while I do agree that severity is not the only factor that goes into producing tears, I do think it is pretty important.  Though, it obviously is not itself sufficient in most cases.  Soldiers in battle may lose a limb and still not cry.  So, the physical pain clearly is only one part of the puzzle.


In terms of subtopics, I will leave this one totally wide open.  I am personally very interested in hearing personal stories from those of you who didn't cry initially, but somehow got there over time. What changed?  For those of you like me who haven't, is it something you hope will happen? I would also really like to hear from the wives about how they reacted to the tears.  Did it cause you any angst or lead you to retreat in any way from the process, because of concerns about hurting him "too much?"  Or, conversely, was it satisfying in some way, like it showed you were really taking care of business?


As I said, for me this really is THE domestic discipline topic that really gets my attention, so I am really looking forward to hearing from you all on this one.

I hope you all have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, January 16, 2016

The Fourm - Vol. 121 - Multiples

Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you had a great week.  Thanks to everyone who commented on our boot camp topic.  I was surprised at how many of our regulars have done boot camps or something like one.  As I said, until a few weeks ago, I had never heard of the concept.  It is something I would like to try, largely to kickstart what has been a somewhat flagging DD practice.  It had tapered in the last part of 2015. Though there was a sign of life near the end, it seems to have stalled again in all the busy-ness of the new year.  Hopefully things get back on track soon. Anyway, enough complaining. On to this week's topic.

During the course of commenting on last week's topic, Alan observed: "I know some of the worst spankings I have ever received have been double spankings where I have been spanked for two different behavior issues separated only by corner time between the first and second. Almost as bad are spankings within a day or two of the first one."

Is this something you have experienced?  Two or more really hard punishment spankings back to back or within a day or two?  I can think of only one time she has spanked me twice within  a few days and it was, as Alan said, an awful experience.  If she were to crank up things that much on a regular basis, I'm sure I would be scared to death of re-offending.

Have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, January 9, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 120 - Boot Camps


 Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  Our first real post-holiday meeting of 2016. 

Our edition on resolutions was about as big a flop this year as in years past.  Myself and a few other people into the concept.  Many others who reject it categorically.  Looking back over the last week -- I may have to concede the detractors are right.  Pretty much every single one of my non-DD resolutions already lie in tatters on the floor.  Low-carb diet?  Blew right through that one in a flurry of burgers and fries last night, and the rest of the week wasn't all that much better.  No  more than two drinks at a sitting?  There was not a single night this week in which I had less than two drinks!  (Ever notice how those drinking and dietary goals seem to rise and fall together?)  Unfortunately, this is what tends to happen to me around holidays and when work slows down.  The focus goes from getting the work done to working relationships to keep the pipeline of projects flowing.  And somehow those relationships always seem to involve, "Want to grab a beer or two this week?"  Oh well.  We stumble.  We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off.  Forward.

One of the resolutions I raised and do still hope to fulfill is doing a self-directed "DD Boot Camp."  This is a relatively new concept for me.  I had never heard of it until a few weeks ago, when I was visiting a DD on-line forum.  Most of the participants are in a M/f dynamic but have been quite welcoming to those of us in F/m dynamics.  Several of the participants were talking about the intensity of their "boot camp" experiences, and I inquired about what exactly a "boot camp" is, knowing that if it was any kind of group activity, it would be a non-starter for my wife.  As it turns out, it is not a group session of any sort.  Instead, it is a structured one or two day self-directed program designed to be an introduction, or intensification, of the domestic discipline relationship.

One of the participants was kind enough send me a "book" on the subject.  It was really more like a long .pdf pamphlet, which you can find in a couple of places.  There is a link available on the author's blog, Learning Domestic Discipline: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/11/boot-camp-book-now-available.html.  It also seems to be available as an e-book on Amazon.  If you decide to take a look, two words of warning.  First, it is one of those "five pages of helpful information crammed into a 50-page book" kind of things.  But, it is a quick read for that same reason.  Second, it is very much written from the "Christian Domestic Discipline" perspective, with a M/f orientation.  I personally don't have much problem ignoring the religious overtones and switching up the gender orientation in my head, but if you aren't able to do that easily, it will not be your cup of tea.

The program itself is pretty simple, reflecting its "DD for beginners" orientation.  It needs to be done in private, which means finding a place to be alone together for a full day or two.  There are a series of structured "homework" exercises and couple discussions, basically designed to get both parties on the same page about what they do and do not want from a DD relationship, what their "hard limits" may be, etc.  There also are a series (three per day) of spankings, of escalating intensity. They are designed to help get both parties, but particularly the disciplinarian, past the mental and emotional blocks involved in "hurting" the other party and exercising and submitting to authority.  During the time the couple is in this "retreat" kind of environment, there is some emphasis in staying in character with one of them being clearly dominant and making all the decisions and the other staying in their submissive role throughout.  That is, by the way, the third caveat:  This approach is more of a Dominance/submission dynamic than a very limited DD "punishment for specific misbehavior" approach.

That's the gist.  I do feel like for us, something like this would be worth doing.  The structured spankings likely won't add much, as we have been doing this for a very long time and willingness to deliver a very hard spanking is hardly an issue for her.  I think where we could profit is the one or two day period of continuous power exchange, with her putting on her "Domme face" and maintaining it for a full day or more, and me having to take orders and direction and be demonstrably at her command throughout that period.

Have others done anything like a Boot Camp?  Any desire to?

I hope you have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 119 - Resolutions


Another year come and gone.  2014 was not a great one for me.  Work was stagnant, and so was a lot of the rest of my life.  I really was not very sorry to see it in the rearview mirror.  2015?  Totally different story.  It was a roller-coaster from virtually day one, but in a good way.  Good in terms of the way I like to live, anyway.  Fast paced.  Downright frenetic.  Stretching.  Growing.  Getting out of my comfort zone, way out over my skis. Then, somehow pulling it off before disaster strikes.  Better yet, I was aware that it was a big year, as I was in it.  That is not always the case.  I had a similar year (though on a smaller scale) some time back, and I really didn't recognize how special it was until I looked back in late December and listed all the positive movement.  We often live these disconnected existences, looking back at the past with longing, or blaming things in the past for our current state.  Or, we long for a future different from what we have, putting all our energy into imagining some ideal future state in which enough of our problems will have gone away that we will finally give ourselves permission to be happy.  Or, just to be content.  It is rare that we have a year of living in the midst of the storm, while being fully aware that is is a storm, but that the storm, with all its lightning and thunder and battering winds, is exciting and even fun.   I can't say that I was FULLY aware and engaged at all times in 2015, but I was there for a lot of it.  So, unlike 2014, I bid 2015 a fond farewell, with a bit of regret at seeing it pass. 

As longer-term readers know, I like resolutions.  I like setting goals. I know I won't always hit them, but it's amazing what you can accomplish over time if you are able to improve incrementally day by day, week by week, year by year. On the other hand, I admit to being a little depressed when I look back at old blog and journal entries and realize that I seem to wrestle with some of the same challenges year after year.  Last year, I posted a list of some of my resolutions for 2015.  Here is how I did: 

General Resolutions

 I hereby resolve to:

  • have fewer Saturdays spent regretting my Friday work-related socializing [FAILED]
  • earn to better control my temper at work [FAILED]
  • nurture those important relationships, both work and personal, that sometimes don't get the time or attention they deserve [SLIGHTLY BETTER]
  • Exit 2015 in better physical shape than I entered into it, as measured by pant size, blood pressure, strength and endurance [MIXED.  Strength and endurance up, but so was my weight, though pant-size stayed the same]
Domestic Discipline Resolutions

I hereby resolve to:
  • self-report any infractions at least weekly [FAILED]
  • empower my wife to grow in her disciplinary authority, including by showing more outward signs of submission to her control [FAIR]
  • during spankings, instead of "taking it like a man," try hard to let go all ego and control, surrendering totally to her authority [FAIR]
What I find fascinating when I look back at these is, I failed or only marginally improved in goal after goal, yet, as a whole, 2015 turned out to be a great year.  This demonstrates the necessity of keeping an open mind and enjoying what you get, even if it is not what you thought you wanted.  You can have a really great year even if it goes in a totally different direction than you intended.

The other interesting aspect to my resolutions where DD was concerned is that I failed at so many of the specific goals I set, yet the year as a whole was probably the most transformative we have had since starting domestic discipline a decade ago.  While far, far from where we want it to be, her authority and willingness to exercise it grew by leaps and bounds.   My ability to really submit grew, though it was an internal fight every step of the way.

So, where do we go for 2016?  Here are some thoughts.  Although given how 2015 turned out, I know these are, at best, kind of like looking at a map to lay out a route for traveling from one coast to another.  On a journey of that length, there are going to be detours.  Road closures.  Unexpected diversions.  Long-anticipated sight-seeing that leaves you flat and thinking, "Well, I drove 500 miles to see that?"  But, also, wondrous sights and sounds and tastes that you never knew were out there but were waiting right around the next bend.  With that all in mind, I'm keeping these a little more "thematic" this year, letting the details work themselves out, though I am putting in a couple of specific, concrete ones related to Domestic Discipline.  I'm also mixing up goals related to DD with  others that are more generally applicable to things I need to do to advance the ball over 2015.

RESOLUTIONS: 2016
  • Empower my wife as HoH.  This is a little different than the goal for 2015, because it focuses on enabling her overall authority, not just her disciplinary authority.
  • Do a one or two-day self-directed domestic discipline "boot camp" in which we spend those days alone, without distractions, with her fully and consistently leading and me following.
  • Let loose and really cry during a spanking.
  • Where information and content is concerned, produce more than I consume.  For all the time I put into this blog, I spend 10x mindlessly reading other blogs, reading the news, reading books, etc.  That's all well and good and keeps me well-informed, but to what end?  99% of the information I consume has no impact at all on my life.  Unfortunately, some variation on this one has appeared on many of my resolution lists, and I never quite pull it off.  
  • Apply whatever growth I achieve in being more submissive and accepting at home to the workplace, blowing my top less and being more accepting of those things I don't agree with and can't immediately change. Many months ago, one of our posters who was, as I recall, in a sales position, recounted his workplace arc, where he started out as a top performer, but hit a ceiling because of the way he drove and mistreated the people around him.  His boss became his disciplinarian (I think, if I am recalling this right).  He learned to get his temper and ego under control, and his earnings soared.  That is what I want to achieve at work this year. Though, this one is, again, something that has been on  my list more than once and never really been fulfilled.
So, those are some of my resolutions for 2016.  Care to share yours?  I ask that question, knowing that every year I have broached this topic, and every year it has flopped.  But, as indicated by my own attempts at putting my personal resolutions together year after year, hope springs eternal!

Have a great week, and an awesome, consequential, meaningful 2016!

Dan


Saturday, December 26, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 118 - Rules

Hi all.  Sorry for the late start today.  I would love to attribute it to Christmas travel or something of that sort.  Or, just forgetfulness.  In an even worse display of a "senior moment," I sort of lost track of the day of the week.  Apparently, not working much throws off my entire sense of time, because I somehow got it into my head that today was Friday.  I didn't realize my error until I logged on to check for comments, and saw that Hermione had updated her weekly brunch, which happens on Saturdays.   Well, now I am thoroughly bummed knowing I have one less weekend day ahead of me than I thought!

Not having thought of any topics myself, I am going to take Fred's timely suggestion that we talk about rules.  Many of us in disciplinary relationships maintain some list of bad behaviors that are likely to earn a session with her (or his) paddle.  When we first began this DD journey, we tried to build in some formality, with a list of prohibited behaviors, which was accompanied by a presumptive minimum number of swats for each offense.  Over the years, some of the formality has dropped away.  Though, I'm not sure the number of rules, officially recognized or otherwise, has dropped much. In fact, this last year arguably included an increase, as she had never before punished me for things like not doing the dishes.

In Fred's comment, he included the following list of rules/infractions:

Must control temper(very serious if wife is recipient).
Demean or criticize wife (on golf course or in public -very serious)
Must be considerate.
Must be nice to wife's friends (including some I don't like)
Must not dominate conversations when with others
Must limit alcohol to two drinks when out.
Must not drive after drinking more than two drinks.
Must treat wife and other respectfully.
Must go to the gym at least twice each week.
Must not start smoking again.
Must not interrupt wife while talking on telephone.
Must do specific chores around the house.
Must listen to wife when she wants to talk to me.
Must not treat wife like a secretary.
Must not drive unsafely or too fast when with wife, family or friends.
Must never be critical of own children when with others.
Must not be overly negative or grumpy especially if it affects wife or others.
Behavioral indiscretions that I should know better than engage in.

Our list would be pretty similar, though perhaps a little more vague.  Things that will usually earn me a paddling include:

--  Too much alcohol (more than 2 or 3 drinks)
--  Showing her disrespect
--  Not doing various chores around the house.
--  Doing or saying something inconsiderate that hurts her or the kids' feelings

We talk about things like not working out regularly, and work-related behavior like losing my temper or getting into a quarrel with someone I shouldn't, as qualifying for a spanking.  In reality, however, those things never really seem to result in punishment independently, i.e. they are punished only as one more item on a list that includes something that has an immediate impact on her.

How about you? What rules govern your disciplinary relationship?  What are the big "no-no's" that land you on the Naughty List?

I hope you all had a great Christmas!  Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Dan

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Merry Christmas



Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year..  I hope you all get what you need for Christmas, regardless of whether it is what you want.

Dan

Saturday, December 19, 2015

The Forum -- Vol. 117 -- Labels



Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you all had a great week.  I can really feel 2015 winding down.  It has been one of the busiest, if not THE busiest year I have had in my adult life.  It has been a roller-coaster start to finish and, for the most part, that is really good.  But, in all honesty, I am not unhappy to feel the pace slow a little as the holidays come upon us.  I hope you all also have had a great year, and one of the highlights of mine has been the weekly conversations with you all.

In addition to the frenetic pace, 2015 was a year of transformation, both personally and in terms of my DD relationship.  As I have talked about a bit in past posts, we have been practicing DD for close to a decade, but the overall dynamic really didn't change much over that time.  Corporal punishment was used for offenses, but that was really the extent of the exchange of power and authority.  That changed this year, and it was really the result of this growing little community.  My interaction with commenters and bloggers who were in Female Led Relationships involving a more substantial transfer of authority got me interested in going down that path, and while we are not very far along it yet, there has been progress.

With this change in the underlying nature of our relationship and, to some extent, the focus of this blog, has come more interactions with people who are in more classical Dominance and submission relationships.  While what they are doing is similar to what we have always talked about on this blog, the vocabulary is a little different.  When describing the roles in DD, I have tended to use labels like Disciplinary Wives and Disciplined Husbands, and I still feel like the latter is a good descriptor for what I am.  But, I am increasingly engaging with people who use more D/s style labels.  Dominants.  Submissives.  Tops.  Bottoms.  TIHs.  Many of the "subordinate" parties, for lack of a better word, have adopted the label Submissive.  I'm not there yet, and part of me really rebels at that label, even though it is increasingly where I have chosen to try to take the relationship.

All this is very long-winded way of asking, what terms or labels do you use to describe your role?  Are you a Dom, a submissive, a Leader, a Disciplinary Wife or Disciplined Husband?  Also, do you have a name or title you use with your significant other?  Ma'am, Mistress -- something like that?

I hope you all have a very, very happy holiday!

Dan

Saturday, December 12, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 116

Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or interested in domestic discipline or Female Led Relationships. 

It's good to be back.  Sorry for missing last week.  Things were a little hectic. They still are, but bad habits are often acquired through small lapses, so I know I can't let missing or delaying postings become a habit.  And, I would miss all of you.

I will begin this post with a confession of sorts.  We have been in a real lull where discipline is concerned.  It has been at least two months since my bottom was last warmed, and I wish I could represent that it was because my behavior has been pristine.  Hardly.  It has just been a crazy busy time for both of us.  One big impediment has been holiday parties and other social gatherings.  Seems like we have had a social engagement virtually every Saturday for weeks, and most of our discipline happens on the weekends.  With such socializing comes over-indulging (always an issue for me and the number one reason I get punished), so at exactly the moment I most need to be reined in, it is the least likely to happen.

So, this week's topic is those lulls or pauses in the disciplinary relationship.  Have you gone through one?  Did the issue eventually fix itself, or did you change something to get the process back on course?

One option I was mulling today.  We have always waited for the bad behavior to occur, then she would order a spanking to address it.  I was considering suggesting that we instead simply presume that I will be spanked on a pre-set day each week, and the only way it will not happen is if I have been well-behaved.  It would really turn our current system on its head, because I would really need to earn my way out of each weekly spanking.  Any thoughts on whether that would be a good thing to explore?

Have a great week!

Dan

Saturday, December 5, 2015

The Forum -- The Floor is Open

Hi all.  Sorry for the short--or, more accurately, belated--notice on this, but I had something come up this weekend that deprived me of the chance to come up with what I'm sure would have been a mindblowingly novel and profound weekly topic.  Unfortunately, the entire weekend is going to be a mess.  So, for this week I pass the baton to you all.  If you have anything you would like to talk about, have at it.  I will respond if and when I can. Otherwise, I look forward to chatting with you again next week.

Dan

Saturday, November 28, 2015

The Forum -- Vol. 115 -- Trust, but Verify

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering for those practicing or interested in in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.

For those of you in the U.S., I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  These long weekends are somehow never quite long enough, are they?

Last week, we dealt with the topic of "asking for it."  While many couples have apparently built asking for a spanking or punishment into their relationships, others have not.   There seemed to be two reasons offered by the "no asking" crowd.  First, some believe that asking for or suggesting punishment undermines her authority.  Second, a somewhat surprisingly large number didn't ask for a very simple reason -- they didn't want to get spanked!  For this group, spanking clearly is punishment and not something they have any desire to seek out. 

This reminds me a little of when I was growing up, in a part of the country where corporal punishment was the norm in schools.  For many of us, the rule handed down by our parents was, "If you get a spanking at school, you can expect to get it even worse when you get home."  That kind of duplicative  retribution placed a big emphasis, of course, on trying to hide the evidence of the original crime and its school-based consequences.  The school would send the student home with a note, which often mysteriously vanished on the way.  Yet, somehow, it was rare that the parents didn't find out through some alternative route.

They say confession is good for the soul, yet it is clear from last week's discussion that a significant number of our readers are not going to voluntarily own up to bad behavior.  I have certainly been guilty of this myself, on many occasions.  So, this week's topic is, what mechanisms have our disciplinary couples put in place to monitor bad behavior?  Self-reporting has its limits, but have you taken steps to formalize it in some way to root out evidence of the offense?  What else do you do beyond self-reporting?  Monitor credit cards?  Check emails and text messages?  Use apps like "Find my Friends" to check up on where the disciplined party is hanging out?  Cultivate relationships with friends or co-workers who will tattle?  Finally, what happens if the Disciplinarian finds out about a lack of full disclosure?

Have a great weekend! 

Dan

Thursday, November 26, 2015

The Forum -- Vol. 114 -- Asking For It


Hi all, and welcome back to the Forum, our weekly gathering of men and, increasingly, women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. Thanks again to all our Lurkers who stepped up to the virtual microphone last week.  I hope at least a few of you will stick around as regular contributors.

"You're really asking for it!"  A phrase used in frustration by  moms, Disciplinary Wives, and frustrated partners, probably the world over.  But what about literally "asking for it?"  When, if ever, should the disciplined spouse speak up when they've been bad and need to be punished, or when they feel out of control and need tighter boundaries imposed?  There are a lot of different views on this.  Some have expressly agreed that the disciplined spouse can "ask for it" when they feel a punishment has been earned or they need to offer up that act of penance, or when they just feel the need for it.  Others see it as "topping from below."  Others not only allow it, but require it as part of the spanking ritual.


I know many on this forum go in adifferent direction on this, and it is an issue I can see from both sides.  I've never quite bought the whole "topping from below" concept as applicable in a DD context, as opposed to Femdom and BDSM.  I just see it as very problematic if taken so far that one spouse can't express their needs.  I also suspect that many "tops" dramatically over-estimate their own ability to read and fully understand the other parties' wants and needs and then make unilaterally good decisions on whether and how to meet those needs.  But, there are lots of variations and degrees of control in these relationships, and my wife expressed one of them.

So, what role, if any, does "asking for it" play in your relationship?  I do realize, by the way, that we have done this one before, but it has been awhile.

Dan

Saturday, November 14, 2015

The Forum -- Vol. 113 -- Reader Poll, Love our Lurkers Cont., and a Reader Question



Hi all, and welcome back to the Forum, our weekly gathering of men and, increasingly, women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  Welcome to you all, and particularly our Lurkers.  While the Love Our Lurkers event officially ended yesterday, I would like to keep it running on this blog at least through the weekend, as I know some people are too busy to stop by during the week.  So, to all our Lurkers, this is a continuing invitation to jump into the conversation.

We had another poll close, and I will say in advance that I am going to keep a heavy thumb on the "Moderator" button for this one, because politics by its very nature tends to divide more than unite. But, in my ongoing attempt to ferret out who this little (or not so little -- hard to say) community of ours is comprised of, and given that I am kind of a political junkie myself and it is debate season, I did want to see what we could learn about where our readers lean politically.  Participation on this one was low -- only 60 votes, which may itself indicate that this was a sensitive topic.  The results were:

Democrat
  15 (25%)
Republican
  20 (33%)
Independent
  16 (26%)
Other
  4 (6%)
None
  5 (8%)

With participation this low, it's hard to say anything very meaningful, other than that these do not mirror the population as a whole. According to Gallup: "An average 43% of Americans identified politically as independents in 2014, establishing a new high in Gallup telephone poll trends back to 1988. In terms of national identification with the two major parties, Democrats continued to hold a modest edge over Republicans, 30% to 26%."  Among those of our readers who participated,  Independents and Democrats are virtually tied, while Republicans held a lead of 4-5 points.  While it might be tempting to look at these results and conclude that Republicans are more interested in DD and FLR than Democrats and Independents, keep in mind that one of our previous polls showed that this blog's readership tilts heavily toward the over-50 age demographic, and Republicans outnumber Democrats in that age group by a significant margin.   Our age-related poll also showed that very few of our readers are in their 20s and early 30s, while people in that age cohort tilt very heavily Independent or unaffiliated.  Therefore, those age-related demographic aspects of our particular readership could alone could account for a lot of the split we see in this poll.With that little bit of demographic insight, or lack thereof, addressed, on to our actual topic.

The inspiration for this week's topic comes from the combination of a reader inquiry that came to me by email, and a conversation I had (again by email), with another reader.  They raised separate issues, but the more I thought about it, there was a common theme that seemed worth discussing. The initial reader inquiry (I am not revealing his name, because he has not given me express permission to do so) was centered on what to do when the disciplinarian feels they themselves need discipline or atonement?  It's a hard set of options in some ways.  The couple could try "switching."  There are, for example, versions of  the Spencer Spanking Plan that encourage mutual disciplinary spankings.  However, for the reader who contacted me, it wouldn't work, because it would undermine the F/m authority they want to keep in place.  He also just wouldn't feel comfortable spanking a woman.  (I share that issue, by the way.  I have no problem at all with those who switch or with the those in consensual M/f spanking relationships, and I welcome them to come and participate in our more F/m oriented group.  But, I personally couldn't give a disciplinary spanking to any woman.)  Another option might be a professional disciplinarian, or even a fellow non-professional disciplinarian who could lend a helping hand, so to speak.  But, how do you deal with finding the right one, assuring that they are safe and sane, etc.?

The related question that came to my mind is, do many of our Disciplinary Wives, in fact, ever have the desire to be disciplined themselves? I also wondered whether this also reflects another kind of natural division among those who adopt this lifestyle -- some react to stress and being out of control by wanting to exercise more leadership and more control, while others react to those same forces by wanting to stop controlling everything and by handing the reins over to someone else.  I definitely fit in the latter camp.  The whole reason I found DD attractive was it gave me a way to step back from the control I have to exercise in the rest of my life.

So, I know this topic is a little nebulous, but any advice for our fellow reader who would like to meet his wife's infrequent but real need for some atonement?  And, what is your own reaction to feeling out of control or stressed?  Do you want to exercise more control, or give it up to someone else?

Have a great week.

Dan

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Love Our Lurkers


Hi all, especially those of you who stop by to take a look but haven't taken a moment to say "hello."  Don't be shy.  This blog joins Hermione http://hermionesheart.blogspot.com and Bonnie http://bottomsmarts.blogspot.com and all the other blogs out there who participate in this annual Love our Lurkers event, in inviting those of you who haven't said "hi" before to do so today.  Love our Lurkers is supposed to last through tomorrow, but being a natural rule breaker, I will probably keep it going through the weekend on this blog, since many of us struggle to find time during the week. So, please, we love it that you stop by the blog even when you don't say anything, but we won't bite. I promise.  So, please, leave a comment, anonymously or otherwise.  If you have the time and inclination, tell us a little about yourself and what brings you to our little corner of the blogosphere.  Or, just say "hi."


Saturday, November 7, 2015

The Forum -- Volume 112 -- Concrete Steps

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum -- our weekly gathering of men and women engaged or interested in F/m domestic discipline and female led relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

I've been thinking a lot about leadership lately, in terms of both our DD relationship and things at work.  Obviously, some people assume leadership roles more readily than others.  Some people aspire to be leaders.  Some actively resist it.  Dominance is maybe leadership on steroids.  It seems clear that people have different inclinations toward being leaders or followers, and also varying capacities to play those roles.

It's always an over-simplification to try to divide people or relationships up into two general types, but I do feel like there are two broad categories of DD relationships. First, those where one, and hopefully both parties, are acting in the role that fits their natural inclinations.  The naturally dominant person is in charge, and more subservient party is the follower.  In the second camp are those like Angela and I, where one or both parties are taking on a role that cuts against the grain of his or her base nature.  Outside our DD relationship, I am by far the more aggressive, type-A, Alpha spouse.  We chose the path of DD precisely because it helps us grow and mature and balance, by taking on the opposite role.

I'm glad that we did it and that it is growing deeper.  But, it is undeniably hard sometimes.  It's hard for someone whose core nature involves a need to rebel to submit to someone's authority.  Likewise, it is hard (maybe harder) for someone who is not entirely comfortable leading to project authority, make decisions, and to punish when necessary.  A fellow DD blogger and one of the few out there blogging from a female perspective, Rhiannon at  learningandlivingaflr.blogspot.com, is very into  coming up with concrete steps for nudging each party toward growing as leader and follower, respectively. Such as my wife assigning more chores and ordering me to do things around the house.  It is one aspect of our growing FLR relationship that I really, really do not gravitate to. In fact, I hate it at the time it is happening.  But, it serves a constructive role for exactly that reason.  It is part of the humbling process.  Part of pushing me down in the pecking order and moving her up.  It also helps her get into the habit of being more directive and more commanding, so that doing so feels more natural.

Are there similar concrete steps that you have taken to encourage yourself or your partner in this process of learning to lead or to submit?  Things that have helped you to more fully accept or carry out your chosen role or that have helped your partner fulfill their role or get more comfortable with it? Please share, because there are lots of us who want to strengthen our DD and FLR relationships but may not have thought of good ways to turn goals into habits.

Have a great week.

Dan


Saturday, October 31, 2015

The Forum -- Vol. 111 -- Happy Halloween & Poll on Implements

Hello. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women engaged or interested in F/m domestic discipline and female led relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

As a preliminary matter, I hope you all have a sexy and fun Halloween.


But not TOO fun.


And maybe a little adult action after the trick-or-treating crowd is in bed.


Last week was one of those humbling experiences I get as a blogger two or three times a year.  A topic that I think is really interesting, and maybe even a little important in terms of helping budge the needle on helping women become more comfortable with assuming leadership at home, just kind of flops.   We got some good stuff at the end, but it was kind of like pulling teeth.  I'm still a little surprised we didn't get more discussion on the core question of whether being perceived as aggressive or bitchy holds women back from taking on a stronger and more powerful role, because I know for a fact this is an issue for many women who get into this lifestyle.  The reason I know it is some have mentioned in past posts, or in their own blogs, and some have contacted me off-line and talked about it.  Yet, the core issue just didn't seem to resonate with many.  Oh well.  That's one of the things I like about this weekly process -- some things work, some things don't, but even if the discussion doesn't always go exactly where I thought or hoped, it still was more fun and informative than most of the other things I did that week.

We also finished up another poll last week. This one on our favorite "implements of ass destruction"  phrased as "Spankings are most often with. . . ."  Here are the results:

Hand
  47 (23%)
Hairbrush
  60 (29%)
Bath brush
  28 (13%)
Wooden paddle
  82 (40%)
Leather strap or belt
  52 (25%)
Rubber strap
  6 (2%)
Other
  35 (17%)

A few things of note.  First, the response rate on this one was really high.  While nowadays we often get 1,000 visitors a day, many don't take time to do the polls.  Response rates are usually around 100 people. This one drew over 200.

Second, I once again really blew it in constructing the poll, because I left out one really, really obvious choice: the cane.  It occurred to me shortly after I posted it, but some people had already voted, and the Blogger polling tool doesn't let you change the choices after someone has voted.  I suspect that a lot of caning enthusiasm is showing up in that 17% "other" category.

It does appear that the wooden paddle wins hands down as the implement of choice for our community, which gives me some hope that this blog is being visited by a lot of people who are truly into this as punishment, discipline and correction, as the wooden paddle is something I think of as a serious disciplinary tool.

I also learned, much to my disappointment, that I am one of only 6 people who are either the recipient or wielder of a rubber strap.  People are missing out, though for the men on the receiving end, that may be a good thing. We added multiple rubber straps to Angela's arsenal over the last year, and they are sooooooo much more painful than a comparable leather strap.

It is just an entirely  different and utterly more miserable experience than anything we have used before.
They carry all the force of a wooden paddle or bath brush (and then some), but without as much numbing.  The pain of the swat seems to sink in deeper and radiate. I truly, truly hate them with a passion.

So, tell us about your most and least favorite implements?  Do you have some you reserve for a spanking that you really want to convey a particularly painful lesson?   And, while you're at it, tell us if you have any special plans for Halloween.  I will be staying at home handing out candy. Boring.

As we go into high-gear with the presidential debate season, I've also posted a new poll, this one on political affiliations.  I note in advance that I probably won't have a discussion on this one beyond just noting the results, because I suspect that I'll lose half the readership in one fell swoop if we start talking politics.  Rather, it's just part of my ongoing attempt to figure out who comprises this community of ours.

Have a great weekend!

Dan

Saturday, October 24, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 110 - Bitchiness

Hello. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women engaged or interested in F/m domestic discipline and female led relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

A few weeks ago, I was at happy hour with a group of junior executives of our company.  Happy hour being my much preferred format for mentoring.  A discussion ensued in which a couple of our higher potential female executives bemoaned the fact their male subordinates treated them with less respect than they showed to male superiors, including not doing their work in as timely a manner, reacting badly to constructive feedback, and not prioritizing their work assignments.  I asked what seemed to me to be a fairly logical follow-up question: "Why do you let them get away with it?  If you repeatedly let them treat you with disrespect, don't you share some of the blame for letting that power dynamic fester?"  An awkward silence followed.  So I pressed forward a bit, pointing out that it isn't like they don't have tools at their disposal to slap someone down if they are ignoring orders, not responding quickly, etc.  Pull them into your office for a stern lecture, don't put them on key projects, give them a lousy annual review, etc.  If these guys weren't showing appropriate respect to female superiors, then why weren't those superiors making them pay a price for it? After another uncomfortable silence, one of them offered up a very honest answer: "Because they will see me as a bitch and call me one when I'm not around."  To which I answered, "So?"  Another awkward silence, and a bewildered look on the collective faces around the table.  "Seriously," I said, "do you think that a male superior would put up with that shit? And, after that male superior slaps a subordinate down, do you think that subordinate doesn't call him a dick, or an asshole, or some similar derogatory word behind his back?"  They continued to insist it just isn't the same thing, and I continued to ask why, without getting much more than, "It just is."  It was one of those discussions where the perspectives of the people on opposing sides of the conversation were just so different that there plainly wasn't enough common ground for us to really get anywhere.  So, we dropped it and went back to talking about whatever.

So, the topic for this week is largely directed at our Disciplinary Wives, though the husbands can always jump in to the extent they know their wives' feelings on this:  Is the prospect of being seen as a "bitch" or being overly assertive an impediment to you taking on a DD or FLR leadership role?  Do you hold back in ordering discipline or in making decisions in your relationship because you are, deep down inside, concerned about being seen as "bitchy" or overly aggressive? Do you have those feelings even where he has told you he wants you to be more stern and strict?  I wonder about this from time to time, because I think it does have an impact on my own DD relationship.  Angela is candid that she does enjoy exercising power over me, yet she can't ever quite adopt it as her daily approach to me, even though I've told her that I too want her to be the one in control and want her to feel more free to exercise that power and control as she sees fit.  I really do think we are both on the same page about what we want, but I also think that deep inside, she lacks a certain comfort level with being perceived as strong and commanding.

I hope people find this one fun and that it triggers an honest exchange of views on things that can be done to help foster the kind of power exchange that many of us are looking for in these DD and FLR relationships.

By the way, you may note that for the first time in these posts, I gave my wife an actual name.  It's not her real name, but it just feels too distant and vague for me to always refer to her as a generic "my wife."  For whatever reason, the name Angela has always seemed like a power name to me.  So, for purposes of this blog, Angela she will be.

Have a great weekend!

Dan


Saturday, October 17, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 109 - What is "Punishment"?

Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum -- our weekly discusssion group for those practicing or interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

So, have you noticed that the name of this blog seems increasingly like a misnomer?  What began as a small group of like-minded men has really opened up lately, with a substantial jump in the number of Disciplinary Wives participating actively in the conversation.  It is a great trend, and we welcome them all.

Last week, one our anonymous commenters raised an interesting question that merits a full topic. We often talk about the differences between erotic spankings, maintenance spankings, and punishment spankings. But, I don't think we've ever really discussed what a punishment spanking consists of for each of you.  I'm sure that this varies tremendously from couple to couple as a result of all sorts of factors, including natural pain tolerance, experience and comfort level with delivering a truly hard spanking, and a host of other factors.  So, let's talk about what a punishment spanking really consists of for you.

I will kick this one off.  My wife does not do non-punishment spankings, so they are all very hard.  Typically, she will use somewhere between three and five implements, including a leather strap, a wooden "fraternity"-style paddle, a bath brush, a "loopy johnny" and, more recently, one or more really brutal rubber straps.  The number of swats varies, but usually no fewer than 30 per implement, and often double that.  When it is over, my bottom is swollen and red, with prominent bruising.  While that has been the condition of my bottom since virtually our very first disciplinary spanking, the intensity and number of the swats have increased substantially over the years.  When we first began, sixty or seventy swats seemed terrifying.  Today, that is just a warm up.  My bottom also doesn't bruise as easily as when we first started this journey.  Early on, any session with the wooden paddle would leave large, ugly bruises.  Now, the bruises are smaller and seem to fade faster.  Regarding duration, I've never timed one of our sessions.  While they seem agonizingly long at the time, I'm sure that in reality they last 10 minutes or less from first swat to last, though the ritual of getting ready, preparing the room, laying out her tools, undressing, etc. makes the entire event last around 20 to 30 minutes.  Mine do not end in tears, no matter how long or hard the spanking. So far, I just can't let go enough to get there.  I also do have a higher than normal pain tolerance, though I think the inability to cry is more a function of emotional resistance than pain tolerance.

So, that is what a punishment spanking is for us.  How about for you? What characterizes a "punishment" spanking specifically, in terms of severity, duration, number of swats, implements, etc. Please share!

Have a great weekend.

Dan