Saturday, May 20, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 207 - Chores, Sloppiness, Etc.

An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. - Earl Wilson (1907-1987) US newspaper columnist

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a great week.

Mine was more than a little unproductive.  Work wasn't very busy, which can be good every once in awhile, but there seems to be this near unbreakable pattern in which if I have 20 things on my to-do list I accomplish all 20, but if I have 2 then I don't get to either of them.  We also had a wave of colds and minor illnesses sweep through the family.  So, we are all feeling more than a little cranky, tired and, in my case, uninspired.  Which means there will be nothing particularly profound for this week.  Not that last week's was much better.  I had a lot of second thoughts about going down the "tell me your fantasies" road, particularly at a time in which one of my biggest blogging frustrations is the little pest who keeps farting at my blog with his repetitive "She spanked my bottom, and then she said something pithy about a wife spanking her husband, and then she made me face the wall, and then some of her friends dropped by and I was embarrassed and my bottom hurt." Over and over and over.  And, he's now leaving the same inane drivel on Kathy's Femdom 101 blog and KD's blog and Hermione's, using two or three different names, both male and female.  It's enough to make me want to remove all the links to other blogs, since the trolls seem to start here, then when I take down their content they follow the trail of links to pollute all the other blogs I like and respect.  But, in the end it didn't get out of hand and we did get a few thought-provoking threads going.

CrimsonKing brought up wanting to integrate Domestic Discipline into more of his everyday life and to help him meet goals, and also more naked chores now that he is in the process of becoming an empty-nester.  I have learned that given the Millennial generation's general co-dependence and lack of desire for anything resembling independence, empty-nester status is more a process than an actual binary change of life status.  But, I envy him his change and hope it does, in fact, allow his wife to take more control.  I share his desire for incorporating DD and FLR into my life on more of a 24/7 basis.  Part of that is about accountability and how lack of it has ripple effects.  We tend to focus on large-scale problems, like my ongoing issues with moderating social drinking, but like the transition to empty-nester status, discipline tends to be an ongoing process, not an event.  When I'm undisciplined and sloppy in small, everyday areas, that can't help but spill over into bigger things. It's kind of like the "broken windows" approach to policing, in which crime prevention focuses on things like petty vandalism and graffiti, because those petty crimes degrade the neighborhood and give people less of a sense that the rules matter. 
Do you get punished for day-to-day things like failing to do chores, or not doing them to her standards?  What kind of failings lead to that result?  Are the areas in which you fail things that are important to her, to you, or to both?

We have not incorporated this into our lifestyle in a major way, to some extent because of the empty-nester issue.  We are getting closer to that stage, but it's not there yet, and there still are more times than not that we have other people in the house.  But, I do think that once we really have the house to ourselves, things may change.  I've talked about this before, but one incident that has stuck in my mind for a very long time involved one of the few occasions when I've been punished for not doing chores.  We split household tasks pretty evenly, though we cover different things based largely on respective competence and interest.  For example, she manages the bank accounts and pays the bills.  I handle investments and retirement accounts.  Where meals are concerned, she shops and cooks, while I clean up.  Most of these divisions of labor are things we drifted into over time, as opposed to something more formally assigned.  But, when we started experimenting with broadening our DD relationship into something that empowered her with real Head of Household status, one aspect she took to like the proverbial duck to water was assigning me more chores.

One of my chores has always been doing the dishes.  While I almost always do them, I also have a tendency to get distracted and to leave a few aspects of the job uncompleted.  For some reason, I had a string of incidents in which I forgot to clean out a rice cooker.  The third time it happened, she texted a picture of the cooker with the rice still in it the next day, and expressed her dissatisfaction in no uncertain terms.  That night, I was sitting at the kitchen table doing some work, and she walked in from her office.

"You were supposed to sweep the floor this weekend, right?"

"Yes, and I did."

"That's 'Yes, Ma'am.," she snapped.

Pointing to some dog hair on the hardwood floors that I had missed, she demanded, "Does this look "swept" to you?"

"I'm sorry.  I will fix it tonight," I responded somewhat distractedly, as my attention was still kind of on what I had been working on.

"You also left the closet door open again this morning.  You know the cat goes in there and tears things up when you leave the door open." (I do, by the way, hate that damn cat.  I sometimes can't help but wish our dogs were meaner and would take her out, but they are cowards and scurry away whenever she strolls through the house.  While my wife may be a budding HoH, in truth its the cat that really holds that status.)

"Did I?  OK.  I'll make sure I don't do it again."

She was having none of this, and also getting more angry that I wasn't really paying attention.

"So, you did a half-ass job on the floors, you left the closet door open repeatedly after I told you not to, and then there is the damn rice cooker.  Shut down your computer, and go to the basement.  You are going to get spanked."

I didn't respond at first, as I was more than a little surprised and what had just happened hadn't quite registered yet.  This hadn't happened before.

"What are you waiting for?" she demanded.  "Get down there, get out the tools, and get your pants off.  You are getting spanked, and I mean now."

And, that's what she did.  I thought since these were fairly small matters, it might be a fairly light spanking.  No such luck.  She thoroughly blistered my ass with a combination of the strap, the paddle and the bath brush.  As I collected myself when it was over, there was a small part of me that resented getting such a hard spanking for such "small" things, but I also felt a new respect for her and the first glimmerings of that "healthy fear" I had said I wanted.  The resentment and the respect were strangely intertwined, because it was the fact that she had spanked for things that were important to her but not necessarily to me that led to the twinge of resentment, but it also gave me that "healthy dose of fear" that I think is necessary for the DD relationship to be real.  More than just about any spanking she had given me for "bigger" issues, that one showed that she was really starting to embrace her HoH role and moving from enforcing rules we had agreed on to imposing rules and assigning consequences regardless of my own views on the matter.

How does she let you know when you've left something undone or poorly done one time too many?  Do you find that being disciplined for smaller things helps you correct bigger behavior problems or meet bigger, more challenging goals?

I hope you have a great week.  Get those chores done!  And, as always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 206 - Fantasy Versus Reality


There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely-or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands. - Oscar Wilde

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, domestic discipline or Female Led Relationships.

Thank you all for the enthusiastic reaction to last week's posting.  People do seem to like it when I tell more personal anecdotes.  So, let me explain why I don't do it that often.  The primary reason is because, believe it or not, I would very quickly run out of material.  One of the things I've said is somewhat lacking in my own DD relationship is consistency.  When men first decide they want this lifestyle, I think there can be a tendency for it to become kind of all-consuming, and there can be an expectation that spankings and other forms of discipline will happen very frequently.  Then, along comes real life with all its competing commitments and distractions.  While I write this blog every week, real disciplinary spankings happen less than monthly.  There also is not a huge amount of variety in the sessions.  They tend to happen in the same place, using the same basic set of tools. So, if I tried to build this blog around personal anecdotes, I would quickly run out of anything interesting to say.  Also, some of what my wife and I deal with as a couple is personal, and while there is obviously some exhibitionism involved in talking about something like this in a public blog, there are some limits on things I will share, such as private conversations with my wife about our relationship.

But, I will share personal stories and thoughts from time to time, because I do sometimes just want to talk to people.  That's always been my goal for this blog.  I want it to encourage real conversations about this interest that we share.  That is also why I get so mad at some of the trolls and the obsessive compulsive verbal diarrhea that some are intent on spewing onto the pages of this blog.  As I pointed out to Tomy in a response to a comment he left yesterday, it's not that I have a problem per se with comments that may reflect something that didn't really happen.  It's that those comments tend to not have anything at all to do with the conversation that is happening.  Oh, the person may throw in one line at the beginning that kind of sort of responds to the topic.  But, it then quickly degenerates into minor variations on whatever obsessive fantasy the troll is fixated on at the moment.  It is basically just masturbation passing for conversation. It's the lack of interaction that really vexes me, along with the attempt to take the  blog in the direction the obsessive commenter wants it to go, instead of in the direction I want it to go.

But, that doesn't mean that I do not want to hear about people's DD-related fantasies, and that's kind of where I want to take things this week.  Though, not really fantasies per se, but more about goals, desires, wishes for where you want your DD or FLR relationship to go, or something you would like to experience. Or, things that you might not want to experience in reality, but that you still find compelling or intriguing.  Maybe it's being brought to tears.  Or, being spanked in front of a witness.  Or spanked in public.  Or in the woods or along the side of a road.  Or maybe visiting a professional disciplinarian.
So, what DD scenarios get me going? Those who have read the blog for awhile know that I have a thing for barns and woodsheds.  I'm not really sure why, but I do.  A story about being taken to the woodshed gets to me every time.  I think it may have been Peter who shared a story about being spanked by an uncle in a barn or shed when he was a teenager (though I may be confusing my commenters).  That whole scenario is something that definitely causes a strong reaction in me.  And, for me it's both the setting and, frankly, the M/m aspect of it.  For reasons I probably will never understand, DD was so compelling to me from the first time I read about it precisely because I found it so incredibly threatening both physically and, more fundamentally, on an ego level.  I am anti-authoritarian to my core and absolutely hate even thinking about being forced to do anything I don't want to do.  Yet, the prospect of that happening was what I found so morbidly fascinating about DD.  I think the thought of being subjected to a spanking by a father figure or uncle is part of that.  In my mind, that scenario is less consensual and more "get down to business" than something in the context of a marital relationship, where there is always going to be more of an erotic component and also the element of something I could resist if I really wanted to.

See, there I went sharing about myself again.  😀  I hope you all will do the same. 

Have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR lifestyle.


Saturday, May 6, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 205 - Dan Gets Spanked, Multiples and Asking For It Revisited . . .

A woman should soften but not weaken a man. ~Sigmund Freud

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

Mine was painful. But, for once, not because of self-inflicted damage. Well, not directly anyway.  I managed to make it through an entire week without having too many drinks at happy hour, getting into a tiff with someone at work, or any of the myriad other things that usually leave me feeling dead tired and drained of all energy by Saturday morning.  Instead, I didn't drink alcohol at all, worked out five days consecutively, was reasonably well-behaved and productive at work, did all my chores around the house each day, and didn't break any rules with one small and unintentional exception.  So, how did this wondrous transformation come about?  Simple -- multiple spankings, in combination with being grounded.

I've intentionally avoided focusing a lot on personal disciplinary anecdotes on this blog, but I don't have any other topic in mind this week, plus the last week's events really have been on my mind a lot.  So, this week in lieu of an actual topic, I will share the story of how I got into trouble and the consequences that resulted, and folks can react to it as they like.

I knew in advance that last week had the potential to be challenging.  I really have been trying to take better care of myself, and I went into the week with a conscious goal of staying out of trouble. But, I knew it would be hard.  We had back-to-back social events at work, where bonding over cocktails is the norm.  The first night was a small and limited affair, and though I went into it with the goal of keeping the drinking down to a minimum, the night dragged on longer than expected, so more rounds were ordered, and before I knew it, I was getting home at midnight.  The next night was even worse, though maybe even less intentionally so.  We had a gathering of colleagues that was billed as a dinner, but it was more like a long happy hour with an open bar, with the only food consisting of light appetizers, liberally interspersed with caterers offering trays laded with full glasses of wine.  At some point, you would think I would learn that wine on an empty stomach is a big "no no" for me.  It goes to my head way too fast, and before I know it I've forgotten all about trying to moderate.  Worse, after the "dinner" was over, several visiting colleagues wanted a nightcap, so off we went.  The result being a 1:00 am arrival time at home.

The next day was worthless in terms of getting any actual work done, which wasn't bad in and of itself because I didn't really have that much to do anyway. That's one offsetting advantage to late nights with colleagues -- they are probably just as tired and hungover as you, so no one is really generating work for anyone else.  Anyway, as I was already feeling my usual post-binge need for accountability, I spent a good part of the day surfing for DD or spanking-related stories.  Without going into details, one involved the recipient getting one spanking for a major act of irresponsibility, but under circumstances that would usually result in a second, harder spanking from another family member.  Instead of trying to get out of the second one, he essentially requests it and asks that it be harder than what he has gotten before, because he knows he has screwed up and genuinely wants to wipe the slate clean.  They agree he will get a hard hairbrush spanking that by itself will leave him sobbing, followed by a long, hard strapping with a belt.  And, that is what happens.

Inspired by such tales of consequences requested and imposed, and feeling a genuinely overwhelming need to really be held accountable, I sent my wife a journal entry reminding her that our official "rule" has always been that drinking too much is one offense, and driving home is another, each meriting a separate spanking.  But, though it has been a rule, it has never really been enforced.  Therefore, although I was asking her to enforce that rule, I had no way of really knowing how bad that would be. But, I also felt like I needed to find out.  Not because I wanted that much pain, but because I did screw up, I've done it repeatedly and, if this is all real and not just some kinky game, then I need a punishment that reflects what I did and makes me not do it again. In other words, it needs to be hard enough to get the job done.

Part of me knew what I was asking for, though not really.  If it was done the way it needed to be, I would be left regretting having asked her to do this.  I know it's paradoxical.  I wanted something that I knew I  was not going to want.  But, I need the punishment for very bad behavior to, in fact, be very bad. I need it to be not just at the limits of my ability to take, but beyond.  In an ideal world, it would leave me a crying, sobbing mess after spanking #1, and I should be quaking in fear before spanking #2.  I earned something that bad, and we had agreed that I needed to get the kind of discipline that I have earned, so that the behavior is not repeated.

Although she didn't formally communicate that she agreed to subject me to the sort of discipline I was suggesting, she clearly had it in mind.   Her demeanor on Saturday was all business.  Finally, after being on pins and needles all day, I was sitting at the kitchen table around 8:00 pm getting some work done and she was in our bedroom also doing some work, when she sent me a text telling me to shut everything down and come upstairs.  I turned off my computer, put everything away and locked up, then went upstairs, where she was on the bed working on her laptop.  I stood beside the bed, waiting for her instructions.  She left me standing there in silence for several minutes, not even really acknowledging my presence.  She then asked me a series of questions about whether I had locked up downstairs and put everything away.  I couldn't remember whether I had done one particular task (probably because I was so nervous about what was about to happen).  So, she commanded me to go back down and make sure it had been done.  I trudged back downstairs, then back up to the bedroom, taking my place at her side again as she continued to work.  After again leaving me standing there in silence for several minutes, and again without looking up from her laptop, she began to lecture:

"You know what is going to happen, right?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

[pause - continuing to read without looking up]

 "Are you nervous?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Good.  You should be, since you are going to be getting two very hard spankings."

"Yes, Ma'am."

[still not looking up]

"OK. Get everything set up."

I complied immediately, not wanting to make it worse.  Most of our spankings these days have migrated from the basement to our bedroom, and occur with me draped over a large leather ottoman. I moved it to the center of the room, and retrieved her tools, including some new leather straps I bought after we decided the rubber ones were doing too much damage. 

When I was finished, she got up from the bed and went into the bathroom, instructing me to get undressed and wait for her. 

During all this, every time she instructed me to do something and I replied with "Yes, ma'am,"  there was a definite catch in my voice, like I was on the verge of tears and at risk of sobbing before the spanking even started. That hasn't happened before.  I don't know whether it was knowing how bad it was likely to be, or the emotion involved in approaching her and asking for a spanking that I knew was going to be really bad, or feeling more remorseful than usual, or some combination of all those.  But, something was definitely different.  It was so hard asking her to deliver something I knew was going to be so hard to take, but I knew I deserved it.  That emotional vulnerability is part of the process I know I need.  Humbling me and making me more open to being corrected.  The fact that the humbling seemed to be taking effect even before the first swat seemed like a good sign that I might finally actually cry during the spanking.

When she returned from the bathroom, she gave me a very strong lecture about how irresponsible I had been. It went on for probably three or four minutes. She then commanded me to get into position.

I  took my place on the ottoman, as she chose the implement she wished to start with.  I had thought that after our recent discussions about how starting with really severe tools at full force frustrated my ability to get into a submissive mindset, she might do more of a warmup.  Nope. She began with the heaviest of the new straps, and in terms of pain-producing power, it proved to be every bit the equal of the heavy rubber one for which it was a substitute. She gave me around 20 licks with it, and I was not just gasping or moaning. I was yelling out, almost screeching, with each strike.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if the neighbors overheard.  Unfortunately, it also resulted in me going into  full-blown "man up" mode, and I could never get back to that point of accepting what I had coming from a standpoint of hating the spanking but wanting the correction.  Instead, I just wanted to get through it.  Though, even in that state, there were moments when it hurt so badly that I came close to bursting into tears, though as always . . . not quite. She eventually switched to somewhate milder leather straps, but they still hurt a lot, and she finished with 40 to 50 very hard swats with some mixture of wooden paddles and the bath brush.

After it was over, she informed me I would be getting a similar one the next night.

I was incredibly sore the next day, and spent quite a bit of it sitting on an ice pack. For those who don't believe a disciplinary spanking can leave you not wanting to sit the next day, you obviously have never had a real one.  And, all through the day I got to think about the second round coming that night.  But, I still felt like I really deserved this, so when the butterflies would start flying around in my stomach I told myself: "I can't imagine what it is going to be be like.  But, I deserve this.  I even literally asked for it. So, I am going to try to prepare myself all day NOT to take it like a man and to accept her discipline as the proper consequences for what I did." I sent her a journal entry thanking her for last night, but making the point about how no warm-up and early severity is likely to work against breaking me down emotionally.  But, I told myself that regardless of the kind of spanking she decided to give me, I needed to be prepared to take it, and I needed to start it in the same mindset I began in last night -- humble, submissive, and open to crying.

Well, best laid plans . . . We ended up having guests the next night, and by the time they left my wife was tired and decided to postpone for a day.  So, another day of sitting on an already sore bottom knowing it was going to get a lot sorer.  And this time I had to be at work all day, with thoughts of what was coming that night regularly interrupting my flow.  There has been a time or two when she has announced a spanking almost out of the blue, and my heart would jump up into my throat. But, I do think the long hours of anticipation are worse and kept me even more on edge.  When I am waiting at home for one, I am so at her mercy that there is almost a sense of resignation.  But, being at work all day, knowing one is coming that night, possibly as soon as I walk in the door, creates this uncomfortable and distracting back and forth between my normal routine and thoughts about what I know I will be going through when I get home.  It seems also to make me even more complicit in my own punishment, as I have some control about how late to stay, how long to take driving home, etc.

I arrived home around 7:00. She didn't say anything about her plans, and I didn't ask.  Even though I had asked for all this, including specifically for this second spanking,  part of me definitely hoped she would get distracted and we would, once again, run out the clock before she got to it.  No such luck. At about 8:15, she came out of her office and said simply, "You have about 5 minutes to put away whatever you are working on, then go upstairs and get ready for your second spanking."

"Yes, Ma'am," I replied, resigned to take my medicine as best I could.

I again set up the ottoman and laid out her tools, then stripped naked.  As I waited for her to come up to the room,  I stood silently, very scared of how bad it was going to hurt, but telling myself that however much it did, I had earned it and could easily have avoided it.

She entered the room and was, once again, all business.  I wasn't sure whether she would lecture this time, since she had done it thoroughly and on this same topic two nights before.  But, she did, this time emphasizing that although I would have gotten one spanking for drinking too much regardless,  I could have avoided this second one simply by taking a cab home or getting a hotel room close to work.  When she had said her piece, without a hint of hesitation or reluctance to do what needed to be done she told me tersely, "OK, get into position and get prepared.  This one is going to be bad."

Even after my journal entry letter her know that no warm up was probably counterproductive in terms of getting me to really surrender, she laid into me hard from the outset.  In fact, though she switched implements three or four times, she skipped the straps entirely and used the wooden paddles and the bath brush throughout.  I didn't cry, but it was agony.  She seemed to be trying out some new techniques, too.  She usually delivers volleys of 10 or 15 in a row, then switches sides to deliver another 10 or 15. This time, she gave two or three really hard swats, then paused for several seconds, then another two or three.  Over and over again. This prevented a lot of the numbing that sometimes happens with the wooden paddles. And, no matter, how much I yelled and screeched with each swat, they just kept coming.  There were, like the previous session, times when an individual swat was so hard that I almost burst into tears.  But, I still couldn't quite do it and, unfortunately, I was again in that "just get through it" mindset.  In fact, part of me definitely resented that she hadn't taken my advice to heart about what would get me to that point of full surrender. But, I think the simple answer is that getting me to that point of catharsis was not her goal for these spankings. I had been genuinely irresponsible in a major way, and these spankings were meant to punish, pure and simple. She wanted them to be as painful as they could be, and if that meant I didn't cry or get any kind of emotional release, that was fine with her as long as the real message was delivered.

When it was over, she was not quite finished letting me know my world had changed.

"If you do anything else this week -- any breaking of the rules at all -- you will get spanked again regardless of how sore you may already be from these two spankings. Do you you understand?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"You are not to drink any alcohol at all this week.  I don't care if there are a dozen work-related events requiring handing out with colleagues or potential business contacts, you are not to drink.  Got it?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Good, because if I have to spank you again this week, god help you."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"You also are grounded.  You are to come straight home from work every day. Particularly on Friday.  No happy hour with the team. That seems to be what often gets you into trouble, so we'll just remove that temptation.  Understood?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK. Go get ready for bed."

I gathered my clothes and made my way to the bathroom to get ready for bed, as instructed. My legs were shaking so badly and my bottom so hurting to its core that I could barely manage to get up and walk.  Itt is difficult to even describe how much my bottom ached.  I slept on my stomach most of the night, and even the sheet hurt as it moved over my bottom from time to time during the night.  Oddly, I expected my butt to be a bruised mess the next day, but it wasn't actually any worse than after the first spanking, and the residual pain wasn't really any worse either. I have no way of explaining that.  One noticeable difference from a normal spanking, however, is that I am now five days post-spanking, and definitely still feeling noticeable pain when I sit down.  Usually, the pain goes away after one or two days, even if I still have some marks. And, the marks are not fading fast, which created its own more lingering form of punishment this week. I worked out in the gym every morning, and every morning I had to put a towel on over my gym shorts before putting them on and  taking them off, and I had to leave the towel in place as I  pulled on my underwear and pants after my shower, because the bruises would have been visible from many feet away.

Well, that is a lot of writing for one posting, And, without any real topic attached to it, I will just invite you to comment on any aspect that catches your attention or that you think merits some discussion.  I'm also happy to try to answer any questions you may have.

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to this group, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your Domestic Discipline or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 204 - How Long

“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women." - Nora Ephron

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

This could end up being a pretty painful weekend for me. It was one of those weeks where I let myself get far out on a limb where behavior is concerned.  Typically, I wait for her to take the initiative in ordering punishment, but this time I felt like I really needed to take responsibility proactively.  So, I sent her a journal entry reminding her that for one of these behaviors, the rule we agreed to is that it would result in multiple spankings, delivered within hours or a day or two of each other, in order to really drive the point home.  We talked about "multiples" some time ago, so I'm not going to use it as this week's topic, though it is very much on my mind as I sit here this morning, wondering how I will be sitting come Sunday or Monday.  As I think I said when we explored this as a topic, she really has not used multiple spankings much.  I think maybe once over the course of our DD relationship, and that time in a limited way.  So, I am not really mentally prepared for this, and I am expecting the worst and going through the whole butterflies in my stomach thing.  I thought she might start last night, but she didn't let me in on her plans, so I went to bed nervous and full of anxiety about what this weekend may bring.  But, enough of that for now.


This week's topic kind of relates to a comment from Mary on last week's topic.  She said, "It is not how hard the spanking is given, but how long it lasts."  Now, I think her point was more about it making a lasting impression, rather than "lasts" in the temporal sense.  But, when I thought about it, I'm not sure we have ever talked about how long our respective spankings really last in the sense of how long each session actually takes.  When I am bent over the chair or ottoman and taking a very hard paddling or strapping, it seems to take forever.  But, in reality I am sure the whole thing takes well under 10 minutes.  Probably more like five or six.  But, I've never actually timed one.

A few nights ago I was reading a spanking story in which the wife actually did use a timer.  She and her husband had a list of rules.  The baseline spanking was 5 or 10 minutes (I forget which) and each broken rule that was being addressed added another 5 minutes.  She did include time spent intermittently scolding and lecturing, but if she took breaks to let her arm rest then the timer was stopped, then re-started when the spanking resumed.  This system seemed to me to have some advantages for real behavior correction, because every punishment spanking could be the same in terms of severity or each swat, but the duration was really within his control, because he could earn his way out of longer sessions by simply behaving better and not accumulating as many offenses.  It would also prevent at least some of the "toughing it out" that Fred pointed out (a couple of posts ago), can occur if he knows in advance the number of swats.  And, I have always wondered whether a longer spanking would result in me finally breaking down, as it just kept going on and on with no relief in sight.  In our case, she usually takes mercy after my bottom reaches a certain state, but what if the rule was it keeps going for whatever duration I've earned?

How long do your spankings usually take?  Have you ever timed one?  Does she have a goal for it to last a certain amount of time? Does that vary depending on the offense?

I hope you have a great week. As always, if you are new to this Forum please go to the Guestbook and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 203 - Spanking in Anger

 Know what? Bitches get stuff done. - Tina Fey

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum. Our weekly gathering of me and women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a great week.

I find myself pretty tired at the end of mine.  Work has been insane, my sleep patterns are once again all out of whack, and here I am on a Saturday morning, awake at an insanely early hour for no reason. Spankings aren't really stress relievers for me, but right now I kind of wish they were.  This morning's insomnia resulted from residual anger about something that happened at work yesterday, which leads me to this week's topic.

In the last couple of weeks there have been some comments about anger, i.e. do or should our Disciplinary Wives spank in anger.  Marisa extended it a little and talked about being bitchy during a spanking, hence the quote above, which I've posted before but it's one that's worth repeating.  Merry, on the other hand, says she never spanks in anger.

My wife is somewhere in the middle.  She rarely spanks in the heat of the moment, but on some occasions her frustration is still pretty palpable as she swings her paddle or strap.

Personally, I like it when my wife displays emotion before or during a spanking.  I think it is part of her learning to express her emotions and gain the confidence to say what she means.  I want her to know that it is OK to hurt not just my bottom but my feelings, because it may be that the reason I am bent over getting by bottom strapped or paddled is because I hurt hers.  During our last spanking, she lectured me while I was facing away from her, and I think that gave her the freedom to cut loose a little more than usual, and that in turn helped me get into a more submissive mindset.  Also, my ego is pretty strong, and I need more than just a cold, clinical application of the paddle to break down my defenses and really accept accountability. It also helps me to accept her authority if she is expressing herself like she really is in charge.  So, while I do understand the need for making sure that anger is under control in order to avoid things going far, I am fine with the anger being present and openly expressed.

How about you? Do you prefer "all business," or are displays of anger and emotion something that helps establish your roles or help you get to the emotional state  you need.

 I hope you have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please go to the Guestbook (tab above) and take a moment to tell us about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship or aspirations.

Speaking of the Guestbook, please take a moment to read the very thoughtful and engaging comments from our new Forum participant, Tina.


 


Saturday, April 15, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 202 - Too Hard


"Some people have to learn the hard way."

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  I added a comment to last week's topic that addressed a real life spanking I received last week.   I don't do that a lot, but this one raised an issue that I thought might make a good topic, because this one may have forced us to think a little bit more about how she can be the most effective in bringing about what we both want, which is making me feel genuinely repentant about what I've done and really changing behavior.

From the beginning, we have taken Domestic Discipline seriously.  Though it clearly has erotic overtones, it isn't part of a kinky game for us.  We have a lot of commenters on here, with relationships that seem to run the gamut from spanking as "funishment," i.e. not really discipline at all, to someone like Fred for whom it is pure discipline with no real erotic or D/s overtones.  On that spectrum, until a year or so ago we were pretty close to Fred's end of the spectrum. DD was more of an event than a lifestyle, and there wasn't a real fundamental change in the power structure.  That has changed this year, with DD more of one tool in a broader FLR lifestyle.  But, the goal really did remain to make me pay a price for bad behavior such that I would be less likely to do it again.

My earliest exposure to Domestic Discipline reinforced that the starting place regarding severity should be, "The harder you spanking him, the more he will love you for it."  And, I still believe there is a lot of truth in that. I also believe that if it isn't really hard, and designed to push him not only to his limits but somewhat beyond them, then is it really punishment?  If it's something you can easily take, then how are you really being punished?
This year, however, I began to have a glimmer of doubt about the "harder is always better" premise.  The doubt was a result of real experience.  Despite doing this for over a decade, one thing I have never yet been able to do is get to a real catharsis, where I just let it go and cry.  Many long-term readers know that tears are something of a fixation for me where DD is concerned, probably because I think it would be good for me to get there, and so far I just can't find the right prescription to to do it.  I do think that severity plays a role in it, and that the instrument needs to be effective enough and the spanking long enough for there to be any hope of reaching the threshold for real tears.  While I've always known that was only part of the prescription, however, it has been only recently that I started seeing the extent to which it not only is not sufficient, it may actually impede the process.

Over the last year, I think we have gone about as far as we can on the "hard instruments" piece of this, and it's really that part that I am rethinking.  Last year I bought three different rubber straps, which I've talked about  in some prior posts.  Two of them in particular are just incredibly, severely painful.  If anything could take me to a point of tears, you would think those would do it.  Yet, I started to suspect that they not only weren't getting me closer, but were but were actually impeding that cathartic, let it all go point of sobbing that I've been both terrified of and morbidly fascinated by for years.  The problem is, those tools hurt so much, that I just cannot give into the process and reach any point of actual submission or surrender when she is strapping me with them.  My mind becomes so singly fixated on just trying to get through it, that there is just no way for me to give in.  I not only do not surrender, I become more resistant to surrendering.  

I really noticed this during our spanking last week. I had gone into with a very conscious intent to be truly repentant, surrendering to a spanking I truly deserved.  She began with her favorite leather strap, and she showed no mercy with it.  It hurt a lot, and I was trying really hard to just give in to the whole experience and NOT take it like a man.  I really felt like I was getting close to being able to just let go and start sobbing.  But, then she switched to one of the rubber straps.  The sharpness of the pain was so much worse, my resistance just skyrocketed.  There was just no way to mentally do anything but resist.  She then went to the thinnest of our three rubber straps, and it too hurt like hell but also wrapped around to catch my hip as much as my bottom. When she switched the side from which she was swinging, she discovered that the end of the strap had been literally cutting into the side of my hip, which brought the whole session to a close.

That session verified for both of us that the notion of severity and 'how much is enough" has some nuances.  I do believe that a disciplinary spanking does need to be more than I can take, but it may be as much or more about duration than severity of each swat.  For me, there seems to be some sweet spot where it hurts a lot, but not so much that my defenses become impossible to surmount.

Any thoughts on this?  Do your spankings reach a point where it just too much to bear?  When that happens, is reaching that state good in that it is at that point that you actually give in and surrender or hit that point of total catharsis or submission? Or, does "take it like a man" kick in so strongly that you can't overcome it?  Are there tools you have used that you have determined really are just too much for a disciplinary spanking such that they become counterproductive? 

I hope you all have a great week. If you are new to our Forum, please visit our Guestbook (tab above) and take a moment to tell us about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 201 - What Goes on in That Head . . .

“The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.”  - Plato, The Republic

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gather of men and women who are participating or positively interested in being in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine started off great, then degenerated.  I said last week that I had made some adjustments after a string of self-destructive behaviors.  It worked and worked well for almost two weeks, then kind of fell apart a couple of days ago.  And, basically the same pattern.  I had every intention of continuing my streak of positive behavior. Then, as I was leaving work I stopped to grab "one drink" with a colleague who wanted to talk about something.  Then some other people from work joined us, and the next thing you know it was three hours later. It wasn't that big a deal, but it did mean my wife was royally pissed off at me for coming home late, and after making some real progress in getting my energy and mood straightened out, I definitely lost some ground.  But, I'm trying.   I fell of the methaphorical horse and now will try to get back on again.  I'm also sitting around today wondering if she is going to order a hard spanking as a fitting consequence for this stumble.  While I really, really don't want one, I can't say that I don't deserve it.  It's also been more than a month since my last one, so if it does happen I know it is going to be extraordinarily painful.

Update: She did let me know earlier today that I will be getting one. As she put it, "A very long, very hard strapping and paddling" tonight. And, of course, my attitude has instantly swung from knowing that I need one and kind of welcoming the accountability, to hoping something happens to interfere with her plans. That's the way it always is with real spankings -- we ask for them, either literally or through our preventable behavior, then once one is ordered we would do anything to get out of it.  It has been long enough between sessions, I know this one is going to hurt so much!  But, I also do know that I deserve one like this.  Though, that doesn't make it any easier to take at the time.

This week's topic comes from CrimsonKing.  He suggested we had we haven't really explored the issue of what exactly is going on in a man's head during a spanking.  That's probably true.  While we've explored why we want to be disciplined, and how we felt after it is over, I'm not sure we have ever had a topic devoted to what he (and she) are thinking during the event itself.

I also had a hard time finding any appropriate art work.  Interestingly, almost everything I found in my collection that seemed to depict his thoughts during the spanking itself seemed to have something to do with "bringing out the boy" themes.

While it's possible that is more a reflection of my own choice in artwork than what is available out there, I don't think so, as I tend to save just about anything with a F/m spanking theme and tend to keep anything depicting spanking kids only if it is, in fact, clear that it is actually an adult being spanked but it makes him feel like a boy again.

But, in any event, what is going on in your mind during the actual event?  Counting the strokes?  Apologizing and swearing to yourself you'll never do THAT again ("that" being whatever you did for the hundredth time that put you in this position again, like me stopping to have that drink with a colleague)?  Or, do you get into some kind of "subspace" or become relaxed or meditative (something I have a hard time imagining, as "relaxed" is the last thing I am during the event).

I also don't want to leave out the ladies, though here I came up with zip for artwork focusing on their thought process during a spanking.  I did find a few, however,  that focused on what she might be thinking when considering giving him one.

So, let's do broaden it out a little where the question to our Disciplinary Wives is concerned. What are you thinking about immediately before his spanking or as you are considering ordering one.

Are you angry or disappointed?

Or, something more positive or titillating?

Excited?  Empowered?



Does it feel like a chore, or do you think of it more like a welcome opportunity to express your views and clear the air?
I hope you all have a great week.  If this is your first time visiting our group, please take a few minutes to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little bit about your DD or FLR lifestyle or desires.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Comment Moderation Back On

All, sorry for the inconvenience, but my blog seems to have been targeted by someone advertising "escort service." Content moderation will stay up until they or their bot lose interest.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

Friday, March 31, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 200 - Humbling & Controlling

Women speak two languages — one of which is verbal. ~William Shakespeare

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I'm posting a little early because I am going to be tied up with other things tomorrow.

I hope you all had a good week. At least mine was not a repeat of the preceding one.  Work was still a little crazy and, as predicted, there was too much family stuff going on for my wife to take care of my infractions from the previous week--which I soooooooo richly deserve to happen--but I managed to avoid repeating, or bettering, the crescendo of self-destructive behavior that occurred this time last week.  So, I guess from time to time I am actually capable of getting myself in check even without her paddle doing it for me.  Though, it did solidify my belief that we really need to continually work on ways to reinforce her status and authority, while holding me more strictly accountable.  

In that vein, last week I included a link to a blog posting by J. Girl in which she talks about what she believes to be three phases of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  While I realize many of this blog's readers don't consider themselves to be in such relationships and are comfortable with Domestic Discipline all by itself, I think her discussion of what she calls Stage 2 has implications for everyone who is in a genuine disciplinary relationship, i.e. one that isn't just fun and games, whether domestic discipline or some more rigorous power exchange.  She labeled this the "Make or Break" stage.  I might also call it "accepting reality" or "surrendering."  For her, it was that stage when she came to grips with the fact she really did not like to be punished.   She talked to a friend who knew about her D/s dynamic, and who observed something to the effect of, “Of course not.  You’re not supposed to like it.  You’re being punished.”  That’s so simple, right? But, also profound and instructive.  If the punishment is real, then I am not supposed to want it.  Instead, I need to have a healthy fear of not playing by the rules we have agreed to.  I have to be genuinely afraid of consequences. I need to dislike where she is taking me but accept that it is for my own good.

What I have really been struggling with -- surprisingly so, given how long we have been at this -- is acknowledging that the reason I engage in the same behaviors over and over again is because deep down inside, I like them.  But, they are bad for me.  I have too many weeks like last week. Maybe not on that scale, but it's all just a matter of degree.  Because living that way ultimately is destructive, she gets to step in and put a stop to it.  By whatever means necessary.  And, at the time, I really dislike it.  I actively resent not being able to do what I want to do.  But, that is how real discipline is supposed to work, right?  When we were spanked or grounded as kids, we didn't like or accept that someone else got to call the shots and impose consequences when we didn't follow the rules.  But, the rules -- and the consequences for breaking them -- existed to protect us, to keep us from doing harmful things to ourselves or others, and to keep us on the straight and narrow.  So, while I really struggle to accept it when she tells me, "This week you will not . . ." it is part of a process that I know is good for me in the end. Even if it is a little like skipping the plate of brownies at work and going for a run. Or, like being sent to the principal's office for a paddling you dreaded but deep down inside knew you deserved.

Now, in order to make any kind of longer term improvement a reality, I get that I need to be humbled. And she needs to be elevated.  That's the only way it will work. I am too headstrong in my current state to really comply fully and cooperatively.  She also is still developing her Power, her Voice, her Authority.  Something that we have not really explored as a couple to accomplish those things is non-verbal communication, other than the obvious - her paddling my ass long and hard when I screw up. I am talking about more subtle communications of power, on the one hand, and submission or surrender to authority on the other. There is a lot of solid research out there showing that how we carry ourselves deeply impacts how much confidence we feel.  

Confident people take up space, and do things like putting their feet up on the desk or meeting room table:


 Their posture or demeanor says, in subtle or not so subtle ways, "I am in charge."
"And you are not."


Conversely, we can adopt postures -- voluntarily or otherwise -- that emphasize that we are not the one in control.



That we recognize and, at least in that moment, accept our own place in the hierarchy. And hers as well.


With that long-winded but hopefully visually inviting introduction, I want to open up the floor to talk about . . . kneeling on it.   Kneeling, sitting at her feet, standing with hands at your sides or behind your back while she scolds or makes you await a spanking.  Positions or postures that you are required to adopt, or that you have undertaken of your own accord, to help humble you or put you in your place.  On the other end of the paddle, are there positions she adopts to show her authority or control over you?

I hope you have a great week. If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to drop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us all a little about yourself and your DD relationship or aspirations.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 199 - Marking & Admirning


Strong women intimidate boys and excite men. -- unknown

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

First, a shout-out to a fellow blogger who is in a DD relationship, but one of the M/f variety.  I have pointed to J Girl's blog, The Taming of the Shrew, a few times before.  Earlier this week she posted on a topic she entitled The Three Stages of a Dominant Submissive Dynamic.  https://ashrewtamed.blogspot.com/2017/03/hey-there-readers.html.  I thought it was an incredibly thoughtful portrayal of some of the ups and downs that real-life DD relationships almost inevitably go through.  Though, I will have to take her word on what Stage 3 might look and feel like.  We are, at most, somewhere in Stage 2, and I don't know whether we would actually want to take it to the Stage 3 she describes.  Perhaps.  But, it's hard to say.  I can't rule it out, since it was just a year or so ago that we started going beyond DD to a deeper Female Led dynamic.

This was one of those weeks that makes me question sometimes the extent to which I really do want this kind of relationship, while at the same time affirming why I need it.  It has been a couple of really tough weeks at work.  I've been traveling constantly.  Lots of after work socializing. I also had one of the people on my team go into full-blown Drama Queen mode, requiring me to play career counselor over several beers.  My way through all this was to go way Alpha, powering through this pretty dysfunctional time by sheer force of will powered by adrenaline and caffeine, followed by a lot of bad airplane wine as a stress reliever.  For a while, I actually started thinking, "This is who I am.  Part of me likes being this way, and it makes me good at what I do.  Maybe I just need to embrace it instead of trying to balance it or contain it."  Which is all well and good, until I hit a Saturday like this where I am so tired that it really feels almost like a form of psychosis, and I realize that living like that just isn't sustainable, and eventually something is going to break or I am going to break something or someone in a way that can't be fixed.  So, as much as I really don't want to be controlled or contained right now, I know that I need to be, and that I will be healthier for it.  But, I come to this realization just as Spring Break starts, meaning kids will be underfoot almost non-stop, making it harder for her to assert herself and get me under control.  Again, real life interferes with the fantasy.

Now, on to other things.  DWC Fred posted a great comment last week, describing his DD dynamic and how he is spanked.  He noted that his spankings generally leave his bottom marked for several days.  That is this week's topic.  Do your disciplinary spankings generally leave marks, welts or bruises that last more than a few hours?

(Yes, I realize this is a female bottom, but we do have a few M/f or F/f visitors.  And, this one was just too enticing not to share.)

Is marking or "blistering" an explicit goal?

When it is over, does your Disciplinarian inspect her handiwork?


Does she take pride in the tangible evidence of a job well done?


(He will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this one is one of our KD Pierre's pieces.  I have a link to his website over to the right.)

This is an area that has changed for us over time, not as a result of any change in the intensity of her spankings, but apparently due to a change in my physiology.  When we first started Domestic Discipline, any significant spanking would leave me very badly bruised.  That doesn't happen nearly as much now.  Even a really, really hard spanking may leave me with only a few visible marks the next day.  Interestingly, my bottom does look in bad shape immediately after the spanking, but the marks just don't last very long.  It also seems like my bottom has developed this non-bruising tolerance specifically to spanking.  I took a nasty fall a few weeks ago, and it left me literally black and blue across one cheek. 

My wife's reaction to this is also interesting.  It really didn't take her very long to get comfortable with giving a hard disciplinary spanking, and the bruising or marking has never seemed to make her squeamish.  She is very comfortable leaving visible evidence of her spanking prowess. In fact, she will sometimes make me drop my pants to show her the condition of my butt, and will express disappointment when the marking is gone a day or two later. 

I hope you all have a great week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to visit the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.