Friday, August 29, 2014

The Forum - Open MIc

Welcome to the weekend!  I hope you all had a good week.  I usually kick off the week's topic on Saturday, but I'm going to be tied up tomorrow and thought I would start it off a bit early.

In discussing last week's topic, I had an exchange with Anna, in which I invited her to submit her story, thoughts, any contribution she wants to make. While Anna may or may not want to take me up on it right now, it got me thinking that since I just allowed you to ask me anything, I would like to turn the tables.  I don't have questions for each of you individually so, instead, let's open up the microphone to one and all, with this question to frame the discussion a bit:

What is it about spanking and/or DD that brings you to this blog every week?  We just talked a bit about what brought me to it, and what I get out of it.  What about you?  Why is this something attracts you, maybe even to the point of an obsession?  Whether you are the giver or the receiver, what does it do for you?

And, what is it that you want to get out of it, even if you haven't achieved it yet?

Instead of leaving this for someone to kick off, I'll do so myself.



If I had to pick the one thing I want to get out of this thing we do, it is to lose all composure.  All control.  I want her to take me to a place where I can't take it any more.  I want to resist and resist and finally break down sobbing.




I want to stand there waiting for her, humbly, knowing what she about to do to me.  Sensing no mercy from her as I stand in front of her . . . waiting.



I want her to make me pull down my pants.  Doing it at her command.  Not just knowing that I am about to get a spanking.  But knowing that it is one that is going to leave me sobbing.  That sense of terror at the inevitability.  Knowing that once they come down it will end only after I am crying.  Sobbing.  And, not even then will it stop.

And, finally, it will all be over.





That is what I want.  You?

Dan




Saturday, August 23, 2014

The Forum - Ask Me Anything Edition


Hi all.  Sorry that I got a bit of a late start today.  One of those Saturdays filled with leftover urgent work projects, family chores and errands, etc.  Finally coming up for air.

Thanks to the readers for keeping the discussion of last week's topic going at a nice pace.  I must admit the attraction to chastity, whether as kink or control is still a little lost on me.  But, to each his own. What works for one couple doesn't work for another.  What turns on one Disciplinary Wife or Disciplined Husband does nothing for another.  But, variety is a good thing, and even if chastity doesn't resonate with me, it was good to read about other's experiences with it.

Every few months, I stray from our topic-oriented format and host an "Ask Me Anything" edition of the Forum.  Though I tell myself it is a chance for newer visitors to get to know me or ask the group something that is on their mind, it usually happens when I am feeling unusually unmotivated or have just run out of steam a bit on topic ideas.   This time is no exception.  No particular topic seemed very compelling, and I have been so distracted by work that I wasn't able to come up with anything particularly interesting.   So, I fall back to allowing everyone else to do the work.

As with the other times I've tried this, the instructions are simple: Ask me anything.  Any topic is fair game, though I may decline to answer anything that probes too closely on things that might place my anonymity at risk.  And, I'll add one twist: If you have questions you would like to ask others in our growing band of regular commenters, fire away, though they obviously can choose for themselves whether to answer.

Have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, August 16, 2014

The Forum - Question of the Week #55

Hi all. Welcome back.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying the weekend.  Here we are in mid-August.   Where did the summer go?

Well, last week's topic went over like a lead balloon.  A whopping four comments.  I'm not sure what that is about, but I don't remember the last time a topic drew that little interest.  Which I admit surprises me, since Domestic Discipline relationships are just that -- relationships -- many involving parents who struggle to find ways to incorporate consistent discipline into that relationships while kids are still in the picture.  It would have been nice to get a little more conversation going around that, but sometimes a topic just doesn't seem to work at a particular time.  And, after all, it is in fact the end of summer, with lots of people working in those last few vacation days.

This week's topic is one that was suggested by a reader a few weeks ago and that appears frequently on many FLR-oriented blogs:  chastity.   Is enforced chastity a part of your Domestic Discipline relationship?  If so, how does it work?  What do you and your partner get out of it?  If it's not currently part of your relationship, would you like it to be?  If so, why?

This is one I am going to have to throw to the readers and hope they drive the conversation, because chastity is not part of our relationship and it's something neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  If anything, we're frustrated at how often work and other commitments and the general busyness of life prevent us from having sex more often.  But. it does seem to be something that many of our readers either use as part of their relationship or have some interest in.  So, let's explore it a bit.

Hope you have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, August 9, 2014

The Forum - Question of the Week #54

Hi all. Welcome back.  Hope you had a great week.  Mine was a bit hellish on the work front.  Not the environment, just the workload. Which accounts for the brevity of the question last week and also the tardiness of my replies to some comments.  In any event, the storm, has not passed, so this week may also be a bit shorter on timely interaction with all of you than I would otherwise like.  Anyway, with than whiny apology out of the way . . .

One of our readers suggested a few weeks ago that we haven't had a lot of topics related to dealing with children in the context of a DD relationship.  We've touched on those issues a few times, but let's open it up for a wider discussion.  If you have children, how have you dealt with things like when, if ever, they should learn that the wife wears the pants?  How have you kept spanking sessions private?  Or, do you think that DD-FLR side of your marriage even should be private?  Also, were you the product of a DD or FLR marriage?  When and did you learn about that aspect your parents' relationship dynamic, and what effects do you think that had on you back then and today?

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, August 2, 2014

The Forum Question of the Week #53

Hello all.  Welcome back.  I hope you had a great week.  Last week's topic focused on fantasies.  One of the contributors mentioned wanting to be tied to a spanking bench.  I have never been tied down or restrained during a spanking, but I've wondered if it adds to the experience significantly.  How about you?  Have you ever been tied down or restrained during a spanking?  If so, what does it add to the experience, if anything? If not, would you like to be?

Have a great week.  As always, please take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook.

Dan

Saturday, July 26, 2014

The Forum - Question of the Week #52

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  I hope you had a great week.  We've been spending a lot of time talking about motivations, moving toward stricter FLR relationships, and other fairly serious topics.  I thought about giving an update on our own experimentation with more rigorous wifely dominance but, honestly, I'm not in the mood.  Time for something a bit lighter.

Do you have a fantasy spanking spot?  Some place where you would like to bare all for a serious disciplinary spanking?  Or, is there a specific spanking scenario or scene you would like to explore?


For me, I've always had a thing for rustic settings, like the tack room in a horse barn.  Or, a real woodshed.  There is something that really gets to me about the earthy, tack room setting.  Something especially naughty about being forced to drop my pants, to accept a bare bottom whipping while bent over a bale of hay.

Have a great weekend.  As always, please take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

The Forum Question of the Week #51

Hello all. Welcome back.  Last week's forum generated some great discussions.  One of those discussions involved the issue of frustration with the dominant partner when she isn't doing something that you think she should. It was raised in the context of the frustration indicating a lack of full submission, but I think there is something more worth exploring here.

A few weeks ago, I asked whether there might be a downside to DD, for either the giver or the receiver.  That stimulated some discussion about the responsibility inherent in being the dominant party in a DD relationship, but what about the issue of whether being the dominant party makes it harder for that party to work on their own stuff?  You know what I mean by "stuff"  -- bad habits, destructive behaviors, lack of self-discipline . . . all the stuff that many of us on the receiving end of a DD relationship hope will be addressed by our partner's stern application of the hairbrush, strap or paddle.  But, what about the impact on the improvement of our Disciplinary Wives?  Does a DD or FLR relationship potentially have a downside for both the dominant party and those living under their authority, if it encourages a sense that the dominant party doesn't have to work on their own behavior and correct it where necessary? I know there are some variations on the Spenser Spanking Plan in which either party can be disciplined for breaking an agreed-upon rule. I don't personally have an interest in exploring that, and it would muddle for me the lines of authority, but it would have the benefit of not allowing one party entirely off the hook.  Thoughts?

I hope you have a great weekend.  As always, please take a moment to add something to the Guestbook or contribute a user-created story (fiction or non-fiction).

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Forum Question of the Week #50


Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Mine wasn't bad.  Less productive than I'd hoped; more so than I'd feared.

Sometimes I detect a confluence of sorts, in which multiple seemingly random events all seem to point in a particular direction or play to a particular theme.  Call it Karma or Fate or whatever, some force seems to be giving events a nudge in a way designed to get your attention.  Lately, I've had some of that going on with respect to the notion of "surrender."  It is a notion that covers a lot of ground.  On a philosophical or spiritual basis, it means getting better at surrendering to what is.  Accepting the current state of affairs, and accepting what will come, without as much desire to change or control them. Letting life come as it is.  In my work life, it means being at least a little bit more accepting of the notion that every once in awhile I may actually need to give in to the will of others who are above me in the pecking order. Does my use of a whole long string of qualifiers demonstrate just how resistant I am that particular form of "surrender"?  ;-)

In my marriage, it means giving up my power so my wife can have more.  It means giving in to her will even when my own wants to rebel and even when being bossed or ordered around cuts against the grain of every fiber of my being.  But, that equalization of power was something we were expressly shooting for when we adopted DD.  And, for me, the idea of really "surrendering," of giving up control in some deep, fundamental way, was at the seductively terrifying core of a DD relationship in which corporal punishment might bring me to tears, and those potential tears have to me always represented the ultimate show of surrender.

One of the strains nudging me toward paying some more attention to the idea of "surrender" was a series of posts in the I'm Hers blog at www.im-hers.blogspot.com.  The blog's author has been exploring his need to be subjected to a deeper, more challenging dominance. One of the quotes that really resonated with me:

My feelings are changing. I’m realizing the value of being broken by her (if that is the correct word).  I know that by becoming completely hers, by being more accountable, by reframing my view of ‘whose first’ to be Katie at all times, by conforming to her will strengthen our bond.  I want to give myself more fully (or should I say completely) to her. 
And this:


I had aha moment a several weeks ago. I came to see just how much I wish to have Katie take me completely. I need less freedom. I need more accountability. I need to be broken and made to make her my first priority, putting my wants second.  I need to gain a healthy fear of her, similar to the way a child both loves and fears a parent. (As Kathy would call this, I desire for Katie to completely snuff out any 'pocket of resistance' left in me. That to me is synonymous with 'being broken'.)

That does a pretty good job of summarizing what I was really looking for when we started our DD explorations, even if I might not have articulated quite that way at the time.  The line about needing to gain a healthy fear struck a particularly strong chord.
Which brings me to last week.  There has not been a lot of actual corporal punishment in our house lately.  Kids around for the summer.  Vacations and summer parties on the weekends.  It is sometimes surprisingly hard to find a block of time when we're alone long enough for an effective discipline session.  But, last Saturday we had the house to ourselves, and I had built up a lengthy list of offenses.  And, this followed on a couple of weeks where she really has been trying to increase the consistency of her dominance by acting more asserting 24x7.  

So, I was not surprised when she told me would be having a session that night.  But, something was different from the beginning.  The tone of her lecture was a little more severe and terse.  Her demeanor a bit stronger, with her displeasure with me a bit more evident.  And, after being ordered to strip and get into position, what she delivered was one of the worst spankings she has given me.  Some of it was her growing confidence with some of our newer tools, most especially this nasty little piece that I talked about in a previous post:




It is just an incredibly painful tool, one which she says she still is not wielding at full force.  But, in addition to this little beast, she also wore me out with the paddle, bath brush and loopy johnny.  I still didn't cry, but I was probably closer than I've ever been. But, when it was over, there was something different inside for me.  She has given me spankings in the past which, after they were over, left me feeling more centered, the combination of endorphins and a sense of surrender and intimacy with her leaving me feeling more at peace.  This was different, and in some ways its opposite.  While I did feel less tension inside overall, there was an undercurrent of disquiet.  It's hard to explain, but I think it was something akin to the first stirrings of that "healthy fear" that I'm Hers is craving.  It's like something deep inside is recognizing that things really may be changing in some fundamental way.  She is stepping up, feeling more powerful and increasingly getting a thrill from exercising it.  And, a part of me is definitely scared and unsettled at the prospect that this thing we keep talking about may really be happening. And, it left me more than a little unsettled.  But, I've always felt like for the dominance to be real, and for my submission to it to be real, it almost has to be at least partially against my will. Or against that part of my will that doesn't like having authority imposed on me. In other words, she has to actively take the power from me, not just capitulate when I ask her to be more dominant.

So, stay tuned.  As for this week's question:  It is this:  Is being "broken" or, to put in a slightly less threatening way, deeply surrendering yourself to your partner's will part of your relationship?  If it isn't yet, is that a goal for you or your partner?  If it is, how did it feel as it was happening?  How has the transition been?

Have a great week.

Dan

Friday, July 4, 2014

The Forum - Question of the Week #49

Happy Independence Day!  I hope you all had a relaxing, abbreviated work week.  Thanks to all the contributors to last week's discussion.  It was illuminating.  For me, it also was a bit reassuring.  When I started this blog, I really wanted it to be focused not on spanking per se, and not on Femdom to the extent that entails some kind of overall female superiority, but on Domestic Discipline.  I don't care a lot about how that is defined, but in general I want the blog to be about relationships in which the husband is subject to his wife's discipline when he strays into bad behavior.  That discipline sometimes, though not always, takes the form of corporal punishment, i.e. spanking. 

All these terms are fluid, and I try not to use them as part of an exclusionary process resulting in putting people into little boxes labeled "Us" and "Them." There is more than enough of that in the world.  But, I have wanted this blog to stay true to its original Domestic Discipline focus for the simple reason that there are plenty of blogs out there devoted to spanking, to Femdom, and to BDSM, but there just aren't that many that really focus on Domestic Discipline.   For years, it was just the Disciplinary Wives Club and a handful of Yahoo groups. 

Therefore, what I found reassuring about a lot of the responses to the last post was that the majority of the comments reflected the core elements of Domestic Discipline, i.e. using corporal and other punishment for disciplinary purposes.  While the element of the wife's dominance is inherent in a F/m DD relationship, it seems like a lot of this group are not interested in a more Femdom-oriented relationship in which it is more about female superiority and service/slave relationships. 

Now, I say this recognizing that my wife and I are injecting more of those "service" elements into our own relationship. But, we're really doing it not for its own sake but, rather, to help increase her confidence and assertiveness as a Disciplinary Wife.  While we have made a lot of progress over the years, we have just never quite gotten to where we want to be when it comes to her naturally, conspicuously and consistently assuming an assertive role.  So, we are over-compensating for awhile until the state we are aiming for becomes more natural.

I began this entry with the observation that there just aren't that many blogs devoted to Domestic Discipline of the F/m variety.  And, some of the best ones have fallen by the wayside.  (Recidivist, are you out there among our readers?)  So, this week's question is, why aren't there more blogs out there that focus on Domestic Discipline, and why do so many of the people who contribute to blogs like mine do so in wholly anonymous fashion, without even using a pseudonym? Is the lack of blogs in this area a function of the fact that there really aren't many people practicing Domestic Discipline?  Or, is it something else, like a fear of being outed?  And, what about those who post anonymously?  Is it, again, fear of being outed?  For the record, I too have that fear, but it's offset by a compulsion to communicate, as anonymous as they may be in the world of pseudonymous blogging, that doesn't seem to work as well without an identity that people can communicate with.

Hope you all have a great holiday weekend. Be safe!

Dan

Saturday, June 28, 2014

The Forum - Question of the Week #48

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Last week's question provoked some great responses that entailed some reality testing regarding the extent to which each of us is really willing to take on a 24x7 Domestic Discipline role, whether as the giver of discipline or the receiver.  This week, I underwent a bit of unexpected reality testing of my own regarding the extent to which I am really ready for a full-on Female-Led Marriage, including in the context of being directed or led, but without spanking involved.

I won't go into the details, because if any of the readers of this blog do know me in real-life, the details would likely blow our cover.  So, without giving too much information, my wife and I unexpectedly found ourselves in a situation in which she found it difficult to get around on her own without assistance.  Although the circumstances were unfortunate, the timing was more than a little fortuitous, to such an extent that it really does have me pondering to what extent our thoughts and desires bring about our realities.  (To wax more than a bit philosophical.)  What was interesting about the timing is I had written her a note just a few days before telling her that I really wanted to renew our efforts to enable her as the real Head of the Household, and that I felt that given that she grew up in a much more traditional role, the only way she was going to break that conditioning was to err on the side of being very directive and assertive with me all the time, essentially over-correcting on the side of bossiness and sternness until being the unquestioned Head of our household becomes more natural.  I specifically told her that I wanted her to be very direct and bossy; to order me to do things as opposed to asking.  I even told her that I was willing to risk some initial confusion on the part of our kids if they noticed the change and suggested that we could deal with it by telling them that we had jointly decided that my wife feels better when in control of things, while I am in a job where I have to be in control all the time, so me being in control stresses us both out and we just decided she would make more decisions.

Two days later, the unforeseen occurred, and we found ourselves in a situation where I had to do things like bringing things to her when she was cooking, clearing her plate from the table, taking things to and from the car.  At first, she asked.  Then, I reminded her that this was her chance to really start ordering me around, and it was happening in a context where it might seem more natural that she was having me do a lot of things for her that she usually does for herself.  Well, she got into it with gusto.  For the last week, she has given me a string of commands, without bothering to phrase them as requests.  "Bring this in from the car."  "Set the table."  "Take my plate away."  "Take this to the car for me." "Bring me my robe." 

How am I reacting?  It's mixed.  Part of me is elated that she is stepping up into a role that we have talked about and talked about and talked about.  But, when she is actually bossing me around and I have to drop what I am doing to serve her, I resent it to my core.  I have always had such deeply ingrained anti-authoritarian tendencies--to the point that one could truthfully call it my defining characteristic--it is just really, really hard for me to take orders from another person without bristling.  I've learned to do it a bit in the work world (but only enough to avoid getting summarily fired), but to be subjected to someone's orders at home is a new experience.

Well, at least, it is a new experience when it is happening as part of our daily interactions, as opposed to when she is informing me that I am going to be punished or when we are in the middle of a punishment session.

Which brings me to this week's question:  Would you still be into the idea of a Female-Led domestic discipline relationship if it did not involve spanking?  What if the spanking aspect were wholly removed and it was, instead, just about living under someone else's direction or control?  Or, for our Disciplinary Wives, is the spanking element of your DD relationship a necessary part of it for you, or would you be OK with the relationship if you got to exercise control over your mate but spanking was not part of the picture?

I hope you all have a great weekend.  As always, take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook or contribute something to the User Stories.

Dan

Friday, June 20, 2014

Question of the Week #49 - And Re-Opened Poll

Happy Friday to everyone.  I am not going to be close to a computer for most of the day tomorrow, so I decided to get an early start on this week's question.  Before we get to it, however, I wanted to point out the poll on the right side of this blog page.  I put it up some time ago, but Blogger's poll gadget was not working for the last several weeks.  It now appears to be working again, so please take a couple of seconds to tell us your status.

This week's question is a bit of a reaction to one of the comments on last week's question.  One of our readers had commented that his wife spanks him after he has an orgasm, as it takes the "fun" element out of the spanking.  I quipped that we have not done that, and I really don't want to, as I want to be disciplined, but perhaps not that much.  Another commenter then observed: "Dan to say you want to be really disciplined .. but not that much doesnt show to me at least, that you are ready to hand over control or even have controlled seized from you."

For the most part, I disagree with that comment, but it depends a bit on what the commenter means by "ready" to hand over control.  I am ready in terms of knowing that I do want to give up control.  And, if my wife would simply seize it from me -- even better.  But, that doesn't mean that I find giving up control to be easy.  Not in the slightest.  And, for us, that is kind of the point.  I am a naturally controlling personality, and my intensity level is pretty high.  But, I know I would be a happier, better adjusted person if I could learn to temper my controlling nature.  And, that is why I was so fascinated by domestic discipline when I first stumbled across the concept.  Fascinated, but also truly terrified at the thought of giving up control in that way.  Particularly when I read stories about men crying from their wife's spanking.  Sobbing during a spanking would, in my view, be the ultimate act of surrendering to my wife's authority.  But, the fact that it still has not happened is some indication that I have not fully surrendered.

So, I am "ready" to hand over control, in terms of I do want to do it, but I also recognize that it is a work in progress, and part of me really resists it.  And, I find the non-spanking elements of a DD or FLR relationship the hardest part.  My wife and I have talked a lot about her being more dominant outside the context of a punishment session.  Really taking control 24/7, bossing me around more, telling me exactly what she wants me to do, etc.  And, we've talked about trying non-spanking punishments, such as grounding me for bad behavior.  I do believe that our relationship will go in that direction over time, but I also find it very, very hard to submit to it now.  When she does order me to something, I resent it and always feel myself wanting to rebel.  At those times, my commitment to DD is shaky.

So, that is my question for those who are in a DD or FLR relationship:  Does it ever just seem too hard sometimes? Do you ever regret adopting a DD or FLR lifestyle.  Or, on the other hand, is submission something that you find natural and easy?  Also, I've asked this before, but I still want to get more answers:  If your partner did not start out as the dominant, controlling party, how did she grow into that role, and were there particular things you did to reinforce it?

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, June 14, 2014

The Forum Question of the Week #48

Hi all.  Welcome back.

Confession time here at the Forum.  As is often the case, I come into this weekend tired and in recovery mode.  My job requires a lot of traveling, and a lot of socializing with customers and others.  And, when I'm not out with customers, there are the constant temptations to go out to discuss something with a colleague, over a drink.  Or a junior member of the team wants career advice, over a drink.  Or we got a major victory and everyone wants to celebrate, over a drink.  The net result is that most weeks, I hit Saturday and, instead of being able to really enjoy it,  I'm trying to recover enough energy such that I can start the whole cycle over again on Monday.

I bring this up in the context of our domestic discipline situation.  My tendency to let the workplace alcohol consumption, the late nights, and the intensity of the job get out of hand were some of the reasons we started down this DD path in the first place.  Yet, while we've made progress, ten years down the line the original problems still have not been fixed.  While I have to take 90% of the responsibility, I will place the remaining 10% on one factor: lack of consistency in our FLR and DD activities.  We have never quite gotten to where my wife really is exercising her power over me 24/7, fully embracing it and making me submit to her wishes, including her wish that I stop some of the unhealthy habits and pull back on the frenetic pace.  And, a lot of my bad behavior goes unpunished, often because our lives are so busy and there are kid and other distractions.

So, this week's question is really two related questions, one of which appeared recently over on Hermione's Heart.   First, have you had times when bad behavior went unpunished, and you knew you really needed a spanking, but it didn't happen?  Did you do anything about it?  How does it make you feel and impact your FLR or DD relationship?  Second, for those of you who have made that jump to a real, consistent FLR relationship, where the wife exercise firm, consistent control, how did you get there?  On the latter question, I would love to hear from some our DD wives on how they made the mental leap into the full-blown leader in the relationship.

Have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, June 7, 2014

The Forum Question of the Weel #48

Hi all.  Welcome back.  I hope you had a good week.  Let's keep this week's topic both timely and simple:  Tell us about the last spanking you received or gave.  What did you do (if anything) to deserve it?   Where did it happen?  What implements were used?  Give us all the titillating details!

To get the ball rolling, our last one actually was a little unique.  I was traveling on business and had to stay over in another city for the weekend, so I had my wife fly out to join me.   Unfortunately, the day before she arrived I was at a work-related function and had more to drink that our rules allow.  And, there had been other bad behavior that had built up without going punished.  So, I had a spanking coming for quite some time.  Unfortunately, neither of us had brought any spanking implements, other than one of my dress belts, which is really too light to be very effective.   So, we looked around the hotel room and in our bags to see what we had that might serve the purpose.  We settled on two items:  the sole of one of my dress shoes, and the electrical cord on her curling iron.  I have never been spanked before with either a shoe or an electrical cord. 

The hotel room had a low loveseat--kind of like an ottoman with arms--at the end of the bed.  She had me strip naked and drape myself over the loveseat.  She proceeded to give me a vigorous spanking with the shoe.  It hurt, but not nearly as much as our paddles and wooden implements.  She then proceeded to lay into me with the doubled up electrical cord.  That one DID hurt.  Not quite as much as our loopy johnny, but enough to make it a real disciplinary spanking.

So, share with our little group:  What was your last spanking encounter, whether on the giving or receiving end?  I may move some comments to the User Stories tab, which is still pretty light on content, so please let me know if you would prefer I not do that.

 And, as always, please take a moment to fill in the Guestbook.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

The Forum Question of the Week #47: What's in a Name?

Hello all.  Welcome back after an abbreviated work week.  This week's question extends from a discussion I got into over the course of commenting on an entry on another blog.  This particular blog has Femdom in its title, and in that context my comment included a reference to "Doms."  The author corrected me, saying that she usually does not refer to herself with that word, preferring the term Mistress Wife. The next week, there was a discussion about male subs and the word "sissy."  The discussion was engaging, as many different readers commented on their own or their spouse's personality and how it fits or does not fit that particular label.

And, it is that issue of labeling that is the impetus for this week's topic.   We humans seem genetically predisposed to putting ourselves, and everyone around us, into little boxes.   If you take any relatively homogonized group of people and leave them to their own devices for some period of time, they will almost instantly start breaking down their little group into sub-groups and assigning themselves and everyone else into groups made up of "us" and "them."  Whole psychological and sociological treatises have been devoted to the human proclivity for separating our brethren into groups based on personal differences, real or imagined.

We in the is community of people who engage in spanking-related activities are hardly immune from this desire to separate and label.  On one hand, it can be unhealthy, and we are might be better off if were to focus more on what makes us similar instead of what makes us different.  On the other hand, differences in what we do and what we are trying to accomplish helps us engage others with similar interests and may spark some genuine discussion about not only what we do, but how and why.  So, while I think labeling can dangerous to the extent it is divisive and exclusionary, it can be healthy to the extent it encourages people to learn about other people and practices and to approach them in an open and non-judgmental way.  And, for purposes of this particular post, I'm just curious as to what the breakdown among our readership is between people who are focused on domestic discipline versus other variants of spanking-oriented relationship, within the context of welcoming them all to enjoy the blog and join in the discussion.

So, if you had to assign a label to your particular relationship or to your interest in this subject, what would it be:  domestic discipline, Femdom, BDSM, simply spanko, or other?  And, how do you describe yourself and your partner in terms of your role: disciplinary wife, disciplined husband, top, bottom, mistress, sub, or something else?  And, as you may have noticed, I have a real curiosity around how these labels conform, if at all, to how you act and see yourself outside of the spanking activity, whether at your job, in your interactions with others, etc.  So, without  judging or excluding, let's talk about how we do this thing we do and what distinguishes what we do from the other varieties of spanking-oriented activities.

I hope you all have a great week.  As always, please take a minute to fill in the Guestbook if you haven't in the past or have something new you feel like sharing.

Dan

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Question of the Week #46

Hi all.  Welcome back.  I hope you had a great week and than you in the U.S. are enjoying the long weekend.

This week's question was inspired by the small tiff between two of our readers regarding anonymous posting.  As I pointed out, the vast majority of those who post on this blog do so anonymously.  And, the few who comment using some kind of identity use a fake name or a profile with no information.  So, let's explore that issue a bit.  Why do YOU post anonymously?  What are the key reasons that make you unwilling to post anything in you own name?  Job repercussions?  Social stigma?  Family will be embarrassed or won't approve?  And, why post completely anonymously instead of creating a Google or Yahoo account with a fake profile?  Do you have a desire to be more open about your DD and spanking relationship or desires? Finally, is there a downside to your decision to stay anonymous? Does it inhibit communicating or building relationships with other FLR-ers?  For the women, does it keep you from blossoming into a stronger dominant partner?

My own reasons for posting anonymously are multifaceted.  I do think there would be repercussions in my career if I were open about being in an FLR marriage.  Submissiveness is not a quality that gets someone very far in my work world.  Also, we do have kids, and I wouldn't want them to be embarrassed.  Finally, my wife is far less of an exhibitionist than I, and she is not anywhere close to be willing to be "outed," and she also would probably face career repercussions.  But, I do think that her reluctance to be more open about being the dominant partner in our relationship keeps her from stepping more fully into that role.  Kathy at http://femdom101.blogspot.com/  recently noted that one thing that helped her embrace her Dom role was having a small group of similarly situated women to discuss the lifestyle with.

Personally, if you removed the career and family issues, I don't think I would be overly concerned about social stigma.  And, I do think about what it would be like to be totally open about this aspect of my life.   And, although I have not been willing to out myself, I also feel like I need to have some identity, even if part of it is fictitious.

So, what are your thoughts on this?  Thank you in advance for your responses.  Enjoy your weekend, and be safe out there.

Dan

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Forum - Question of the Week #45

Hi all.  Welcome back. I hope you all had a great week.  This week's topic:  The Selfie.  It seems like every other on-line article has some reference to taking a picture of one's self.  Whole social media services have grown up around the concept of distributing pictures of yourself to others.  Sometimes privately, sometimes not.  So, this week's question relates to those moments we save for posterity and our desire to watch or observe.  Have you ever had a photo or video taken during a spanking?  Or, maybe photographed the after-effects of one,. i.e. a bruised bottom or one striped with marks from an effective caning?  What about watching yourself in a mirror while a spanking is delivered?  If you haven't seen yourself being spanked, or observed your spouse in the act of delivering a well-earned whipping, is that something you would want to do?

I hope you all have a great week.  Please visit the Guestbook and User Stories Section, and tell us a little about yourself or if you have something off-topic you might like to share.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Forum Question of the Week #44

Hi all.  Welcome back.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine really was not, and it leads me to this week's question:  Is there any downside to discipline, other than the obvious downside of getting your bottom blistered in a most painful way?  That's this week's question, but here is some context for it.  I've actually been thinking about this topic for a while, but this week's events brought it to the forefront of my thinking.  This post also will be a bit more self-revelatory than usual in terms of events happening to me in the "real world", so if I come into work on Monday and someone is treating me differently, I guess I will have just identified one of our valued Forum readers.  :-)

The background is fairly straightforward, and a situation most of us in corporate America have faced at one point or another.  I was passed over for a major role, and one that I really wanted.  The job went to someone I have known for several years.   I genuinely like this person, but in many ways we are polar opposite personalities, at least in terms of what we display to the world.  While I tend to be a "big picture" guy, she does the small things that add up to executing well even if there isn't much vision underlying it.   And, while I tend to be very vocal in expressing my often controversial opinions on how we should be changing and growing as a company, she is someone who has trained herself never to voice an unconventional opinion without first trying to figure out which way the political winds are blowing.  And, she has disciplined herself to never, ever publicly criticize anything done by management, though in private she voices the same concerns I do.  She is just always very willing to let me take the lead in raising the concerns, drawing the fire for doing so.

Losing the job was disappointing, because several key executives had told me they wanted me in it and thought I had the best vision for it.  But, there also is no doubt in my mind that some of the battles I've fought, and my proclivity for making management uncomfortable by asking hard questions on some fundamental strategy questions, cost me a job I really wanted.  And, no matter how much I know that submission can be as important in the boardroom as in the bedroom, somehow at work I just cannot bring myself to submit to anyone, including my superiors.  And, this is not the first time in my career that I have taken some kind of hit for being too outspoken and too forceful with my views.

So, there is no doubt in my mind that my lack of workplace discipline--which is an offshoot of my lack of personal discipline--cost me this job.  In that situation, the solution seems easy:  become more disciplined, more self-constrained, and more submissive to the Powers-That-Be.

But, here is the quandary:  I was a top contender for this role, and there were some other high-level executives who wanted me to get it.   And, I don't know that I would have even been in the running, had I not attracted attention in the past, and I attracted that attention by not being submissive and by not being shy about voicing my opinions.  So, while a lack of discipline cost me this job, it also helped me leapfrog a lot of more experienced people who have been there a lot longer.

So, in your own life, is there any downside to becoming a more disciplined, submissive person?  Has it made you more timid?  Has it caused you to miss opportunities or to labor in obscurity?  Conversely, for our Disciplinarians, is there a downside to you in being the controlling party?  Does the responsibility sometimes become a bit much?  Or, do you find your domineering and controlling role causes you problems in other parts of your life?

Thanks for listening to my tale of woe.  I hope you all have a great week.  If you have a moment, please visit the Guestbook and tell us a little about yourself.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Forum Question of the Week #43

Good morning everyone.  Welcome back.  How did it suddenly become May?

We've talked a little bit about openness and whether anyone else knows about our domestic discipline and spanking relationships.  Let's go in the opposite direction a bit.  For those of us who are not "out" to friends, co-workers and family, what are some of the things you do to keep your domestic discipline relationship a secret? 

Speaking for my own household:
  • We store all our spanking implements in a locked suitcase.  Our children may wonder why there is a lock on the suitcase, but as far as I know they have never tried to get into it.
  • Spankings generally occur in the basement, in a small storage area that has become our equivalent of being "taken to the woodshed".
  • Spankings generally happen late at night, with less chance that anyone might overhear.
  • I have to be careful about where I undress in the gym, and finding a way to get into and out of the showers without anyone seeing by bruised bottom can be a bit of a challenge.
  • I blog about DD, but I use a pseudonym
Let us know what you do to protect the secrecy of your domestic discipline relationship.  And, as always, take a few minutes to fill out the Guestbook and tell us a little about yourself.   

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Forum Question of the Week #42: Disciplinary Wives Born or Made?

Good morning all.  Welcome back.  It seemed like a long week.

We had a flurry of activity from or about the Disciplinary Women in our relationships.  It was great to get some participation from the "giving" end of the DD relationships.  Many of the comments discussed how or why the disciplinary relationship came into being, and the range of responses was really interesting.

Some learned about domestic discipline from a friend or co-worker, and decided to explore it.


Some are second generation disciplinary wives who grew up in a disciplinary home and learned it from their mother.



Or from overhearing or seeing a spanking being given.



Some began with the man asking for or suggesting it, while a surprising number were initiated by the women.

At the risk of stating the obvious, regardless of how each DD relationship began, they all involve a  woman either initiating or at least acquiescing to taking on the dominant, disciplinary role.  So, my question is, are disciplinary and otherwise dominant women made or born?  Do they tend to have naturally dominant personalities, or do they learn to take control over time, possibly using a "fake it 'til you make it"  strategy of acting dominant until it increasingly becomes their real nature?  Is there an underlying interest in spanking or dominance, or do they have some epiphany that leads them to want to give it a try?  Also, does disciplining their husbands lead to changes in their day to day life, such as becoming more assertive at work or more confident in social situations?

I know the "answer" is, of course, all the above.  But, tell us your thoughts and let us know the answers as they apply to your or your relationships.  And, as always, take a moment to put something in the Guestbook if you haven't in the past or just have something new to say.

Also, I've added a couple of stories to the User Stories section (see tab above).  Drop by and give them a read, and think about adding something of your own.  If it's a short story, just put it in a comment to the story at the top of the User Stories page.  If it's longer, send me an email and I'll post it.  Have a great week.

Dan


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Happy (Belated) Birthday to Us!

Welcome back everyone!  I am one of those husbands/fathers/sons who would chronically miss every anniversary and birthday if not for  electronic calendars and alarms, and even then I still screw it up more often than not.  Therefore it came as no particular surprise when, after saying in a post that this blog was "almost" a year old, I checked the date of my very first posting and found that the first birthday of The Disciplined Husbands Forum actually came and went a month ago.  Time does fly, doesn't it?

So, let's reflect a little bit on where we are.  We've gone from a tiny handful of readers to over a thousand on peak days.  Not bad.  While our number of weekly comments still doesn't approach that of some other spanking blogs, in the last couple of months we've had several people become fairly regular posters.  While participation by disciplinary women remains pretty low, we do get the occasional comment from women who haven taken their problem-child husbands firmly in hand, so to speak.  So, all in all, this group has come a long way, and I want to thank all those who come back every week to see what we are up to and perhaps contribute a line or two.

We also have learned a little bit about the people who comprise this little community.  Here are the final results of my year-long, totally unscientific poll, which included 949 total respondents, of whom:

607 (63%) identified themselves as disciplined husbands
35 (3%) identified themselves as a disciplinary female
250 (26%) are "disciplined males in waiting"
18 (1/%) are "female disciplinarians in waiting"
6 (< 1%) are disciplined females
75 (7%) are just curious

Now, again, this is a completely unscientific sampling.  In the time this blog has been up, there have been over 200,000 page views, but less than 1,000 took the poll. But, it may provide some interesting clues to the composition and motivations of those involved in TTWD.  First, it is clear that the number of men who visit this kind of blog dwarfs the number of women, by a factor of 20x.  What isn't as clear is whether that means more men are interested in domestic discipline, far more men are interested in F/m domestic discipline than are women, or do men just spend a lot more time than women visiting blogs and particularly blogs with "kinky" content.  It would be depressing if there are 20 times more men looking for disciplinary relationships than women willing to accommodate them, and thankfully the numbers do not quite seem to bear that out, given that 63% of those who took the poll indicated that they are men who actually are being disciplined in their current relationships.  That would seem to indicate that the skewed poll results come from a skewed readership, i.e. there are just a lot more men seeking out and finding this blog.  Of course, the fact that the masthead identifies it as a forum for men might have something to do with that.  Duh. See below for more on that.

We've also learned a little more in the last few days about origins and how we came to be in or to want this kind of relationship.  Here, the trends surprised me a bit.  Based on other blogs, communications with other contributors, etc., I have assumed that domestic discipline relationships usually begin with the man requesting it.  Some of the recent comments here, in the Guestbook, and on a couple of other blogs I follow are leading me to question that assumption.  People seem to be finding their way to these relationships in a variety of ways.  One began with a spanking by a mother-in-law.  Some were instigated by the woman taking control at the beginning of the marriage, and those seem to regularly involve multi-generational F/m relationships, i.e. the new disciplinary wife grew up in a household where her mother was in charge.  Others transitioned into domestic discipline after years of traditional marriage, often because the tradition wasn't working.

As for the interest in spanking, there does seem to be a common, though not universal, theme of it starting early in life.  But, as I said, it's not universal.  I had no interest at all in spanking or DD until well into my '30s.  And, there doesn't seem to be any real pattern with respect to why people become fascinated with the idea of being spanked or with receiving female discipline.  Some were spanked in childhood.  Some were not.  Some had early encounters with female authoritarian figures.  Some did not.  Some associate the need for discipline as an adult with getting it as a child, while others think that they are interested in it as an adult precisely because they did not get it growing up.

In short, I've learned a lot over this year, and I hope you have, too.  One really important thing I learned relates to my own motivation for doing this and what I want this blog to be when it grows up. When I wrote that very first post, I was not really sure where I wanted to take it.  I knew that I wanted it to be very participatory and inclusive.  I also knew that I did not want it focused on me and my own experiences.  I wanted it to be a discussion, not a journal.  But, some contributors said they wanted to hear more about my own views and experiences.   And, a part of me does sometimes want to share a particular event in my own DD life, or some frustration that I'm experiencing, etc., and to experience some real communication about what is going on in my own DD life.  Though I still shy away from that to some degree.  But, I think the recent interactivity in the comments is working pretty well, with some real discussion and exchange of views taking place, and I'm trying to share more about my own life without this becoming a confessional about the bad acts that often result in me making that trip to our basement "woodshed." 

I also have learned that I really want this blog to be a resource.  Without getting all self-important, I do think that there is a very powerful transformational element to F/m domestic discipline.  I believe there are lots of real world examples of it empowering women, helping men become better husbands, and helping previously dysfunctional couples take their relationship in a more positive direction.  At first, I was a little leery of taking the blog in the direction of a "how to" website for domestic discipline relationships, to a large extent because I did not want to step on the toes of the Disciplinary Wives Club, which was a great resource that played a major role in helping my wife and I figure out how to experiment with this idea of her exercising more authority over our marriage.  My reticence on that front was much reduced when the DWC closed earlier this year, and I now feel like there really is a void out there that needs to be filled for couples who want to explore the possibility of changing the power dynamic in their relationship by empowering the woman to take control and exercise her authority over her man, often by making him bend over her knee or otherwise prostrate himself to receive a well-deserved dose of discipline!  In that vein, just yesterday I got this very gratifying comment on the Guestbook from a Disciplinary Wife named Colleen:

"Your site has been a great help to us. I enjoy the questions you pose, and the comments that follow are very insightful. Ed approached me a few years ago about his need to be disciplined. Through your site and the things said by those who have commented, I understand a little better what needs to be done so that both of us can grow in the areas that need special attention."

That pretty much sums up what I want for this blog.  I want it be an inclusive resource, where people interested in this lifestyle come together to share ideas, experiences, tips, etc.  And, I really hope for more participation from the Colleens out there, i.e. the Better Halves reflected in the 600 men who identified themselves in our poll as "disciplined husbands."  With that in mind, what would people think about changing the name of the blog to something like the Disciplinary Couples Club, or something that better reflects something that is not just a forum for men, but something to be shared by men and women alike, though keeping the focus on the F/m variety of DD?  Of course, such an effort might flop regardless, given that the poll results do tend to indicate there just are not a lot of disciplinary women seeking out these kinds of websites.  But, again, is it because the title of the blog has indicated something not so inclusive?

In order to emphasize the little manifesto set out above regarding group participation, in lieu of a weekly topic this week, I want to ask everyone (including some of the silent majority who drop by each week but never say "Hi" even with an anonymous post) to go to the Guestbook tab above, and enter a comment.  The Guestbook has a series of suggested questions, but they are just that -- suggestions.  You can answer them or not, but please just drop a line or two about yourself, your interest in DD, and also let me know what I can do to make this blog better as we get further into year two.  Thanks again for making it a great year one!