Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Forum - Volume 82 - Motivations

Hi all.  I'm sorry I got a little behind in replying to comments over the last week.  Work has been crazy busy, and it was hard to get to everything I had going.   Thankfully, we have developed enough of a core group of commenters that things keep right on going without me.  That's a great thing.

On to this week's topic, and it is going to be another fairly open-ended conversation.  Our latest poll focused on motivations, i.e. on why we do This Thing We Do.  What is it that drives us to want or need bare-bottomed discipline, given the fairly obvious downside of pain, tears, etc.?  Here is what our readers had to say about it:

Need to be under somone's control
  48 (45%)
Behavior/performance improvement
  46 (43%)
Erotic motivation
  45 (42%)
Need/desire to be punished
  67 (63%)
Wife requires it
  22 (20%)
Other
  2 (1%)

It is interesting that all the factors I identified in the poll came into play to a substantial degree, other than the fairly small number of men whose wives simply impose the DD lifestyle.  It's also reassuring that only 2 people said their motivation is something other than the five factors I identified, so it seems I didn't miss any major motivations.

It does surprise me a little that the need or desire for punishment outranked facotrs like needing to be under someone else's control. That does seem to indicate that while there is overlap between the DD and FLR aspects of our readers' spanking relationships, it is not a 1:1 match.

Speaking for myself, all of the first four apply, though the erotic motivation probably plays a lesser role than the others.  And the ranking I would apply to these has changed over the years.  When we first started, the need to be punished probably would have topped the list, with behavior improvement being inextricably tied to that punishment need.  Over the last couple of years, however, I have started to appreciate the extent ot which I need to be under someone's control. That was always a factor for me, but more in relation to having someone set boundaries and rules.  While it is hard given my temperament, I am beginning to see the value in being under someone's control, simply because I am so anti-authority that submitting to someone else evens me out and helps me feel more balanced.

So, what is your motivation for doing This Thing We Do, regardless of which side of the paddle you are on?

I have also added a new poll that focuses on our Disciplinary Wives' motivations.  I realize we still don't seem to have that many female readers, but the numbers are growing, so hopefully the poll will get at least a few responses. 

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, March 21, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 82 - Positions

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  As is too often the case, my Saturday finds me exhaustend and needing to relax and recuperate but, unfortunately, faced with a pile of work that I was unable to get to during the normal week. Modern life I suppose.

This week's topic is about spanking positions.  Which do you use in your spanking relationship?

There is the iconic "over the knee."  Source of so many DD fantasies and undobutedly the inspiration for many DD relationships. But, is it really effective?


Or, maybe standing up while supported by a chair?


It is a position that seems to yield itself to a much more serious ass whipping than OTK.


Or perhaps on the bed, supported by pillows?
\


Or some variation on that theme?


Perhaps draped over a chair?





Or for a lucky few, a special purpose bench or similar equipment in a dedicated spanking space?



What positions does your DD Wife typically command?  Does it depend on the implement she is using? Do you find some are more effective than others at getting her point across?

Have a great week!  One last thing: I can sense my inspiratiion for new topics reaching a low ebb.  If you have ideas, please leave a comment or send me an email.

Dan

Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 81 - Resistance

Hi all.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying your weekend. 

This week's topic is about dealing with resistance.  There are obviously going to be times when we are less cooperative than others.  Maybe you are distracted by work or other issues that need immediate attention.  Or, maybe a punishment was ordered that you feel was not really deserrved.  At those times when you are feeling less cooperative, have you ever actively resisted a spanking or even refused to comply?  If so, how she deal with it? How should she?

Have a great week!

Dan

Saturday, March 7, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 80 - Reporting, plus New Reader Poll

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  I hope you all had a good week and have a relaxing or stimulating weekend ahead, depending on your preferences.

This week's topic is about how bad behavior comes to the attention of our DD wives.  Personal observation obvioulsy plays a major role.  But, what other means do our Disciplinary Wives have, or have they imposed, to gather the information necessary to keep us in check?

Self-reporting?  If so, do you have a particular system in place? How well does it work?  Have you thought of any effective mechanism to prevent him from cheating by just not telling?

How about informants? Is there someone in his life who will rat him out for bad behavior, such as Anna's relationships with some of Peter's workplace colleagues?

Monitor spending, internet use, emails, etc.?  

Right now, we are experimenting with a more elaborate form of self-reporting involving a daily journal, which I started at the suggestion of one of our FLR wives and former bloggers who is all about finding concrete ways to transform FLR goals into FLR daily reality.  So far, it has been a challenging thing, though undeniably beneficial.

I have also posted a new poll.  The topic is a little squishy, and it's a hard one to do within the inherent limitations of a poll with pre-formed answers, but it tries to quantify the motivations underlying the disciplined husband's interests in pursuing a DD lifestyle. 

I hope you all have a great week.

Dan

Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 79 - Assurances for Tentative Disciplinary Wives

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  I hope you all had a great week.   This post is one that I think a lot of disciplined husbands may want to ask their wives to read.  Because it touches on a dynamic that I strongly suspected cut across a lot of DD and FLR relationships.  For the last few weeks, our Forum has had a poll open consisting of some very binary questiions for disciplined men about exactly how it is they wish their wives would approach this aspect of the relationship, all centering in one or another on the level of intensity and control the desire.  The available answers in each case being a simple "more" or "less."  Do we want more severe spankings, or less?  More frequent discipline, or less?  Wives who exercise more control over us, or less.  Well, the results are in and, for once, they are consistent with my pre-existing biases:

"If I could change my DD relationship, I wish (pick one from each pair that applies)":

Spankings were more severe
  88 (63%)
Spankings were less severe
  4 (2%)
Discipline was more frequent
  112 (81%)
Discipline was less frequent
  3 (2%)
My partner would exercise more control over me
  94 (68%)
My partner would excercise less control over me
  5 (3%)
My partner was more openly dominant
  86 (62%)
My partner was less openly dominant
  6 (4%)


Now, I've always cautioned that all these polls have to be taken with a very big grain of salt.  The sample sizes are limited, they are open to anyone who stops by, and the people who stop by may not be a representative sample of the DD community, let alone the community at large.   But, these results are so lop-sided, that is hard NOT to read something real into them.  Our Disciplined Husbands (at least the 138 who voted) resoundingly, overwhelmingly want their wives to do what they are doing -- only MORE SO.

 (Note, the overall percentages don't work out well, because people had the option of responding to less than all questions, so you really have to compare the votes for each binary choice.)

This poll also has a bit of a history.  It extends from an off-line email conversation I had with one of our Disciplinary Wives in which she expressed what I think is a very common concern, i.e. that in being consistently rigorous in enforcing her rules and being a strong Leader in the relationship, it might be more than he wanted.  I told her I really doubted it and that, at least for me, the best advice I saw on the old Disciplinary Wives Club was to err on the side of being strict and severe.  The men who ask for these kind of relationships want them for a reason.  They really, truly, want to be subject to hard, consistent discipline.  If he isfeeling any disappointment, it is much more likely to be because his wife is not being strict enough, not being consistent enough, not being severe enough.

These results certainly bear that out.  Where spankings are concerned, disciplined men want them to be harder and more frequent.  With the level of control, it's the same.  Very slighlty fewer want a more openly dominant spouse, but the results still tilt way on the side of "more."

Now, there are two possible takeaways for our Disciplinary Wives.  The first, and one I hope you don't feel, is that this puts you under more pressure to lead and to be stern and, in short, to be even more of something that you're already struggling with.  But, the alternative way to look at it--and this dovetails nicely with last week's question--is that to the extent any "struggles" you have with stepping into the role of a full DD wife are because you think that he may balk, resist or be silently unhappy, these results are a very strong indication that you likely have his full and complete permission to take on all the leadership you are willing to take.  The odds are very high that he wants you to be stern, he wants you to be strict, he wants you to rigorously enforce your rules.  And, he wants to pay a price when he screws up.  Therefore, if part of you really likes being in full control of your relationship and really wants to be his disciplinarian, this poll says one thing:  Jump in with both feet!

As always, I think the key is communication.  If you have doubts about whether your particular Disciplined Husband wants "more" or "less" or is a Goldilocks mental state of "its just right,"  then ask him outright.  But, based on this poll, there is a strong chance that he really wants you in the role of leader of the relationship and will turn over the control if you're willing to take it.

I don't really have an actual question on this one.  Instead, I'll just open it up for comments.

Have a great weekend!

Dan

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Blogger Content Policy

It is with no small sense of irony that, the day after Alan posted a comment suggesting spanking is out of the closet and no longer that controversial, I learned that Google has issued a new content policy under which it will make "private" sexually explicit blogs.  They have exceptions for sexual content that has some independent scientific or artistic merit. Whatever that means.  And, of course, they don't really tell anyone what that means.  It isn't at all clear to me whether drawings would be included or even whether it applies to sexually-oriented text that doesn't contain graphic images.

While I think an invitation-only blog could work fine, Google has capped partipants at 100 people, and it is by invitation only, which is a problem given that even our more prolific contributors are often posting anonymously and don't even have a fake profile and email address to which to send the invitation.

Given that there is little actual sexual content on this blog, I'm hoping we fly under the radar of the sphincter police.  But, there is some content that could placee our "public" status at risk.  So, I will over the next few days remove some of the more sexually explicit drawings, and I also will likely start deleting comments that have a lot of sexual content, especially content that doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to do with DD or FLR.   Sorry, this really is annoying, and hopefully there will be a big enough outcry that they will rethink this, but i doubt it. 

Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 78

Hello all.  Welcome, and happy Saturday.  This seemed like a very long week.

This week's topic is one that I am intentionally leaving a little vague, because I think it could take the discussion in some interesting directions. I also hope it enourages participation from our disciplinary wives in particular.

It seems obvious that being on the receiving end of a disciplinary spanking can be hard.  As can learning to submit to authority, particularly if you are wired as I am and really don't take orders well.  But, I suspect that many men fail to appreciate the challenges of being the disciplinarian and of exercising leadership over another person. In fact, I suspect that a lot of blossoming FLR and DD relationships die on the vine because of the husband's unreasonable expectations regarding his wife's abiilty to suddenly become a totally different person, preferably a leather-clad, whip wielding Dominatrix. 

So, who is DD and FLR harder for, the recipient or the dominant?  Particularly for our disciplinary wives, what challenges do you face in becoming a strong leader or disciplinarian?  Are there things your husband could do to help you beome more comfortable in that role?  Or, are my assumptions wrong and you personally found it quite easy to take the leadership role in your relationship?

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Saturday, February 14, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 77

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  Before we got onto this week's topic, I now step into the role of movie critic and report on last night's viewing of 50 Shades.  In short, it somehow manages to make S&M boring.  I took my wife in the hope that seeing a Dom in action might give her some tips on demeanor.  Not so much.  I did not find Jamie Dornan the least bit believable as a Dom.  He just doesn't bring to the role any sense that this is a guy who has the gravitas to control other people.  And, I think it is even worse than the book when it comes to portraying spanking and kink in a negative light.  Finally, when you remove the kink, this is just one more "working girl meets rich messed up guy; he saves her and she saves him right back" movie, but there are a hundred better done examples of that genre.

So, on to this week's topic, which was inspired by something that happened at my gym this week.  After my morning workout, I was in the locker room getting ready to take a shower.  A guy who I have seen naked in that locker room hundreds of times was getting dressed in front of an adjoining locker.  He had showered and was wrapped in a towel.  What caught my attention was that when it came time to put on his underwear and pants, he pulled them on while still wearing the towel, such that his bare bottom was never exposed.  Only after he was clothed from the waist down did he remove the towel.

I can come up with no other explanation for why he kept that towel in place, other than covering signs of a recent spanking!  As I said, this is someone who I have seen naked dozens of times, and he has never exhibited any shyness about baring his body.  In fact, the guy is one of the most chiseled and ripped specimens in the gym -- he definitely has no reason to hide anything, other than perhaps some bruises or striping from a recent disciplinary sesssion!

So, this week's question is, have you ever had to cover the telltale signs of a recent spanking?  Tell us all about it!

Dan

Saturday, February 7, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 76 and a New Poll

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week.  That was a really good discussion.  If it taught anything, it was that people get into DD and FLR for all sorts of reasons and, if there is any correlation with spanking or lack thereof when growing up, it seems to be pretty damn loose.

This week's topic is about the extent to which DD and FLR relationships extend beyond the core relationship.  Do you find that your DD or FLR role, whether you are the more dominant or the more subordinate party, has an impact on other parts of your life?  If you are subject to DD at home, do you find yourself submitting more at work?  Conversely, for our disciplinary wives, do you find that taking that leadership position at home causes you to display those leadership and dominant tendencies in other areas?  I could also see this going in the other direction. Maybe you are submissive at home, and that gives the freedom to be more commanding at work?  Or, is DD something that is a discrete and isolated part of your existence, that doesn't have much impact on how you behave in the rest of your life?

Also, you may have noticed that I posted a new poll.  It is meant to test whether those who are in these lifestyles want the experience to be even more rigorous and intense, or less so.  I would ask everyone to hold off on comments until the poll closes. 

Have a great week.

Dan

Friday, February 6, 2015

Topics

For the women -- what holds you back from being more strict and making DD 24/7.  Poll options:

--  Social conditioning inhibits leading a man
--  Don't want to be perceived as a bitch
--  Not confident he really wants it, no matter what he says
--  Afraid of "hurting" him


Without naming names, anyone who you think might be living a DD or FLR relationship?

Dealing with resistance.  Ever resisted or actively refused to comply?  How did she deal with it? How should she? [3/15]

Spanking positions.  OTK effective?  Other positions?  Could make a good poll.

Why is it that older men tend to be more open to, or actively seek, an FLR? Kathy's comments that they are more mature.  Not sure I agree.  Maybe has something to do with fact that it is in our 40s when responsiblity and our own span of control really piles up in a way that may drive an interest in handing off some control

How do you learn about misbehavior?  Self-reporting?  How?  Journal?  Informants? [3/15]

Ever acted out or broken a rule in order to invite a spanking?

Who is DD and FLR harder for, the recipient or the dominant?  Particularly for our disciplinary wives, what challenges do you face in becoming a strong leader or disciplinarian?[2/15]

Ever had to cover up results of a spanking.  Guy I saw in the gym, putting his underwear and pants on awkwardly with his towel still on [2/15]

DD spilling over into real life.  Rianna's comments on wanting to spanking men at work.  Other changes it brings to your reactions or actions in other parts of your life? [Done 2/15]

Many men say they asked for DD? How did you even know what it was?  Or, did you?  Discover a website?  Knew someone else who was into it?  

Has your spouse taken your DD or FLR relationship in a direction that surprised or does not really appeal to you?  My experience with wife taking htings im more of a service-Femdom direction. [Done 1/15]

What DD is and what it is not?  Play off of DWC comment that, "This not S&M, though we value our friends in that community." [Should think about this one.  Why be exclusionary?  Maybe just to say how I see a DD relationship and what works for me, and explain why I don't agree on things like the man gets no say, FLR means being subservient to ALL women, service Femdom, etc.


 Topic suggestion: What surprised you about the way the DD or FLR relationship turned out? What happened that you didn't expect or didn't happen that you did expect? [Done 11/14]

In my case, I would list several. I expected that I would feel guilty about spanking my husband. I didn't. I didn't expect to enjoy giving a spanking. I do (and I sometimes feel guilty about that). I didn't expect us both to get a restless feeling when too much time passed without any behavior that deserved a spanking. We undertook it with the idea of it changing him. I have probably changed more than he has.

Tears [12/14]

Choose my punishment.

"Naturally" submissive?  Or does submission come hard?  Should we be doing what makes us feel comforbable, or what makes us better?

Alternative punishments: corner time, grounding, loss of cell phone or internet, humiliation in some form? [Done 1/15]

What if your wife suddenly announced that she wants to be open about your DD or FLR relationship?  Would you cooperate? [Done 1/15]

Reader polls on monthly basis:

-- Regions of the country?
--  What would you change about your spankings: frequency, duration, intensity?
-- Motivations:
--  Who initiated? [done 11/14]
--  Tears? [done 12/14]
--  Ages [done 9/14]
-- Professions [done 10/14]  
-- Sex after?

Spanking as stress reliever.

Truth or dare?  [Not sure how to do this one, but it could be fun.]

 Corner time {Done]

Milking, sex afterwards, and removing the sexual component from DD [Done 11/14]

Ever been ordered to leave work or an event to be spanked? [Done. 9/14]

Phrases associated with spankings (from Dournik, a success coach who uses spanking):
- to admit specifically why you were guilty,
- Phrases to apologize to them or to people you have offended,
- Phrases to say "How Many get you shoulds"
- Phrases to thank for being punished.

Ages [8/14]

 Phrases to admit specifically why you were guilty,
- Phrases to apologize to them or to people you have offended,
- Phrases to say "How Many get you shoulds"
- Phrases to thank for being punished.

Professions. For poll: law, medicine, teaching, other professional, art, science/technology, sales/marketing, business owner, corp. executive, corp. non-executive, other

DD used for self-improvement and/or coaching:  weight loss, work issues, etc.?  {see email from Dournik and his topic suggestions} [Done]

Conversations with your spouse about Dd [Done 9/14]

 Anna wanting to contribute.  So, do. Without any limits, what would you say about who you are? Why you do this or want it? [Done 8/14]

Lots of people inspired by DWC.  Anyone begin their DD exploration based on someone's website or blog?  Anyone inspired to try DD based on THIS blog?

Tied down or restrained during a spanking?  Want to be?  What does it add to the experience, if anything? [Done 8/14]

Dealing with children. [Done 8/14]

Chastity? [Done 8/14]

Being "broken."  Ever a moment when it happened? [Done 7/14]

Why are there so few male DD bloggers?  [Done]

Ever deserved or known you need a spanking, but not gotten it? [Done]

Fantasy place to be spanked.

What's in a name -- what label (if any) do you put on the relationship context in which your spankings occur:  DD, FLR, Femdom, BDSM?  Other?  And, what do you call yourself and your partner?  Disciplined husband?  Disciplinary Wife?  Bottom? Top?  HoH? [Done 6/14]

Pervertables and necessity as the mother of invention -- every had to find a serviceable household or domestic item to use for a spanking



Does anyone other than your significant others and former spanking partners know about your DD-spanking activities?  Ever tell one of your seemingly vanilla friends about your DD or spanking lifestyle?  Reactions?   [Done 1]

From TK -- Were you spanked as a child?  If not, do you think your adult interest in spanking is because you are missing something you didn't get as a child? [Done]

Where do you store your spanking implements?  How do you keep others from finding them? [Done]

Are dominant or disciplinary women born or made? '[Done]



Ever taken pictures or filmed a spanking or its aftermath?  Ever watched yourself getting spanked, either on film or in a mirror.[Done]

Fictional characters you would like to be spanked by? [Done]

Anyone in your life who seems to be in desperate need of a DD relationship, whether giving or receiving?

Tell us 5 non-spanking things about yourself. 

Most feared "weapon of ass destruction"

Beginnings --  getting a DD relationship started?  How do you get a reluctant (or just surprised) spouse to consider it?

"Oops" moments -- accidentally revealing interest in spanking or DD [Done]

Asking for it?  Ever ask for a DD spanking?  Why?  When?  How?


Gender roles:  Tantra and development of inner male and female.  Is that part of what is going on with F/M?[done]

Sometimes it is the stuff that revolves around the actual spanking itself that is more memorable - corner time, scolding, stripping of pants or underpants, etc.
 
Downside to DD?  For alpha males, we succeed by being controlling and driven.  What happens if DD limits those? Or on balance, would we still be better off by being more submissive, giving in to authority, etc.?



DD as more than you bargained for? Ever become a bit much? [Done]

Ask me anything. [Give the option of asking by email.]

How do you increase feelings of vulnerability?

How do you bring out your submissive?

Are witnesses beyond close relatives a good or bad idea? We have one occasional witness my wife’s sister. But my wife would like to extend it to two other close friends who know she spanks but haven’t been here when it happens
• Are written contracts a good idea? We tried it twice but it didn’t work for us but know another couple who use contracts successfully and read about many others. Contracts made us self-conscious and my wife (who went to law school) thinks they are inappropriate for discipline so we use a anytime any place for any reason system which works well for us

• Are more women taking the initiative and introducing spanking into the relationship? For us it was me who asked for it although my wife would not now give up what she calls her “sanction” over my behavior even if I wanted to. She does know one women from College who advocated spanking but other than her every spanking couple we have met started with the husband asking
• Do you use different tools depending on the reason for the spanking, desired severity etc. such as hand for minor things, strap for more serious and cane for most serious offenses? We have at least one of all those tools but 90% of the time my wife uses a heavy hair brush to spank me (actually a sauna brush) regardless of why I am being punished. If I am being given two separate spankings in the same session she might use the brush for the first and the strap or a cane for the second but most of the time it’s the hairbrush. The difference is I might get 25 for minor problems but 250 for severe punishments.

Idea for a future topic - have you ever been spanked in a semi-public situation so that others might have seen or heard the spanking? (public restroom, motel room, in the car, beside the car, in the woods, etc)

Why post anonymously?

 What IS the connection between spanking and sex?

If you could wave a magic wand and make your spouse do one thing differently for DD, what would it be?

Do you wish your spouse would be more or less rigorous?

Have you ever heard or seen anyone else get  a spanking?

Without naming names, if you could introduce one couple you know to DD, who would it be and why?

Polls

--  Who initiated: You or your spouse?

--  Have you ever cried from a spanking?

--  Dominant or submissive in real life?




Friday, January 30, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 75

Hi all, and welcome to the weekend.   I'm posting this week's edition a bit early, because I am going to be out much of tomorrow and didn't want to leave anyone wondering, "Where the hell is he and where is my weekly fix of the Disciplined Husband's Forum?"

That was an intersting discussion last week. I can't say I know much more than I did before about whether or not most readers are subject to their wive's authority to such an extent that if she did order disclosure that he is a spanked husband, he would comply.  But, I know that virtually all of them who aren't already "out" think it is a bad idea and are really good at dodging the question on whether they would comply even if their wife were to deicide it really isn't such a bad idea.  :-)  So, let's chalk that topic up to an interesting idea that failed miserably in its implementation.

This week's topic relates to the most recently closed reader poll, which sought information on whether readers were spanked when growing up and, if so, how often and by whom.  This poll seemed to interest people a bit, as indicated by a fairly high response rate and by the fact that a large number of responses were entered shortly after I posted the poll.  Here are the results:

Spanked frequently
  19 (14%)
Spanked but only infrenquently
  69 (53%)
Never spanked
  31 (24%)
Spanked by mother/not by father
  26 (20%)
Spaned by father/not by mother
  14 (10%)
Spanked by both
  35 (27%)

I really did not have many preconceived notions about this one, and nothing in the results really surprises me that much.  Substantially more than half the responders were spanked to one extent or another, though only 14% were spanked frequently.  A healthy proportion, almost a full quarter of our viewers, were never spanekd at all.  Interestingly, the burdens of imposing discipline seem to fall somewhat harder on mothers than fathers, though a large number were spanked by both.

It should be obvious what I was trying to get at with this poll.  I wanted to see whether there was any clear link between being spanked growing up and being interested in it as an adult.  From these stats, I think it would be hard to make that leap.  So, since the data doesn't seem to go anywhere, how about the anecdotal evidence?  Do you think your own early experiences being disciplined lead to your adult interest in having it imposed on you, or for our Disciplinary Wives, your interest in imposing it on your husband?

I can see this one going either way, and my own experience seems somewhat at odds with any speculation that being spanked growing up tends to make you interested in it as an adult.  I was, in fact, spanked but not often.  I can only think of two or three total.  I'm sure there were more, but none worth remembering.  And, some of those that I do remember are enshrined in my memory more because of thebehavior that lead to them than the spanking itself.  But, it is also true that where I lived, spanking was just part of the background environment we were all raised in.  Parents spanked.  Teachers and principals spanked.  School spankings were actually the worst on several levels, because in addition to the primary spanking at school, conducted with the full knowledge of one's peers, one could often expect another licking at home as further piling on just to make sure the lesson about not acting up in school came through loud and clear.  Aunts and uncles spanked their nephews and nieces with just as much frequency and just as little sense of impropriety as with their own kids. So, while I don't recall being spanked very often, it was always in the background.

But, I do wonder sometimes whether the lack of regular spankings, and general lack of any kind of imposed discipline, especially any as I got older, did indirectly cause my later interest in DD.  As I recently related in a comment on another blog, I grew up without clear behavioral boundaries, to the point that by the time I was in high school I was, for all intents and purposes, living almost entirely by own rules.   Teenage boy's wet dream, right? Somtimes, but at a cost.  When there are no rules, and where the only consequences are those that are the natural result of your own behavior, that can be a lot of responsibility.  No one is there to literally whip you back into shape and put you on the right side of the line, so you either do it yourself, or keep doing whatever you're doing and hope catastrophe doesn't strike.  I do think that my adult desire for someone to impose consequences on me when I screw up may be tied to having too much freedom and suffering too few consequences early on.  I think it also may be why on the spectrum of being interested in spanking for its own sake versus seeing it as a tool to be used for larger disciplinary purposes, my inclinations are toward the latter.  But, of course, none of this explains why I had no interest at all in either spanking or DD unti well into my 30s, other than I had never really heard of DD until then.  And, my first glimmer of interest in this area involved a segment on a cable TV show about adult spanking, but not of the DD variety.  So, it is all very complicated.

So, tell us your thoughts on this.  I will ask of all of you, please self-censor where details are concerned.  There are undoubtedly people out there who get turned on by spankings of the non-adult variety, and I definitely do not want anything on here to faciliate that in any way.    

Dan


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

New Blog Recommendation

All,

It is a little depressing how few blogs there are out there that explore DD themes from the female perspective in the context of a F/m DD or FLR relationship.  For years, the Disciplinary Wives Club was about it.  There are plenty of blogs out there serving the Femdom community, a few FLR blogs though damn few authored by women, and very few that explore both FLR and DD, particularly within the context of real relationships.

But, one of our more recent commenters, Rhiannon, has a wonderful new blog that I hope you all will explore.  You will find a link on my sidebar to Learing and Living an FLR.  It is entertaining, incredibly intelligent and has, in its very short existence, raised a plethora of interesting relationship questions and issues.  I encourage all of you to drop by and say "hi," and welcom Rhiannon to the DD blogger community.

Dan

Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 74

Happy Saturday all.  I hope you had a great week.  We had another great conversation last week, though it went in a direction very different from what I anticipated.  And, it was a rather telling one.  The topic was alternative punishments.  More specifically, alternatives to spanking.  I assumed we would have a lot of suggestions for alternatives, lots of stories about being subjected to various non-spanking forms of discipline, and maybe the seemingly inevitable tangential discussion around chastity.  But, very little of that actually happened.  Instead, the surprisingly strong consensus seemed to be a lack of interest in alternatives, and a strong desire to make spanking the exclusive means of discipline.  This seems to me to have inadvertently answered a question I have thrown out there in various ways in past posts, namely to what extent is discipline--changing behavior--the motivating factor in these relationships versus an interest in spanking that is as much an end as a means.  Clearly, each relationship has its own position in that spectrum, but I was surprised at just how vigorous and numerous were the viewpoints that spanking is not only central to the DD relationship, but that alternatives might be counter-productive.

Anyway, it was a good discussion, and there was another aspect of it that caught  my attention.  When one commenter reacts to another commenter on this blog, they are often forced to preface it with something to the effect of, "I am responding to the anonymous commenter who said . . ."  If there is anything that is clear about our Forum participants, it is that--with a few exceptions like the Merrys--we place an extraordinary value on our anonymity.  A very large majority still post without using even a fake profile and, to my knowledge, we have only one reader who maintains a blog that uses her real picture in that profile such that, for all intents and purposes she is "out" as being on the receiving end of a spanking relationship.  And, there is nothing at all wrong with any of this, and this post is in no way meant to challenge it.  If anonymity is the grease that keeps the conversation going for all of us, then the more of it the better.

But, this week's question asks you to engage in a bit of "what if" exploration, that also may again test a bit the extent to which some of us talk a good game about submitting to our wife's authority. The question is, what if your partner told you they wanted to be more openly in charge?  What if they told you that they want it be clear to anyone who is watching and interested that she wears the pants?  Not necessarily a public announcement that you are in an FLR relationship, but outward actions that leave no doubt about it. And, what if that included her disclosing to anyone she chooses that she spanks you?



How would you react?  Would there be some groups you would be OK coming out to, but not others?  And, which of those do you find more discomforting (to the extent you do find this topic discomforting), the prospect of being outed as being in a relationship led by your spouse and in which you are the junior party, or being outed as being spanked?  That distinction may itself be telling about where we think our society is in terms of both gender equality and openness to kink because, it says a lot if people are coming to see spanking as socially acceptable but there is still a stigma around a man taking second place to his wife in the decision-making hierarchy.



I will kick off this one by trying to answer my own question.  My wife and I have talked fairly extensively about experimenting with this a little, particularly with her being more assertive in social situations.  Not anything like a public announcement that she is in charge, but doing things that send those signals.  As a practical matter, I don't think either of us is ready for being truly open about the DD aspects of our relationships, or the FLR aspects to the extent we really are practicing FLR.  But, I do think that she is more likely to develop into a stronger and more rigorous disciplinarian if she feels more comfortable in assuming that role and to the extent it becomes a more "up front" part of her persona.  For that reason, while the prospect of her making it more clear in social situations that she dominates me really does give me massive butterflies in my stomach every time I think about it, I do think that, given that my biggest complaint about our current DD relationship is that it lacks the rigor and consistent application that I feel I need, if her being more publicly dominant helps move that forward, I am willing to try.  Though, knowing both of us, I do believe that we will draw the line well short of a really public and open demonstration of her dominance.

But, pracicality and real life likelihood really weren't part of my question, were they? The question was, "What if your spouse TOLD you that THEY WANT to be open about it?"  What if this were the direction that your partner--the partner who some of you have agreed will act as head of your household and exercise final decision making authority--told you that this is what she wants and that she expects you to comply?" Would you do it?

For myself, it would make the decision quite a lot easier if two groups could be magically walled off from the disclosure: work colleagues and my parents, particularly my very "traditional male" father.  On the workplace issue, given the profession I am in, I do think there could be a significant downside for my career if it were commonly known that my wife spanks me for disciplinary purposes.  Yet, paradoxically, a comment by Anna a few weeks ago about the feedback she gets from some of Peter's work colleagues about his behavior in that venue left me really wishing that such feedback were available to my wife, because work related temper problems and an unwillingness to submit to authority have definitely had a negative impact on my upward progress.  So, while I find the idea of being outed in any way in that context extremely upsetting, I also recognize that not being out about it also has a negative consequence.

Now, again, as a practical matter, it is very unlikely that my wife would ever "out" our disciplinary relationship, for at least two reasons. First, she is even less of an exhibitionist than I am and far more into maintaining a wall between the world at large and what happens in our personal relationship.  But, that changes a bit as she gets more asssertive and more aware of her personal power.  Second, she has her own career concerns, and the impact of a public disclosure  could actually be more detrimental for her career than for mine.

But, again, for this week's topic, we're not dealing in reality.  We are playing a game of "what if . . ."  So, let's explore that a bit.

Have  a great week.

Dan

Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 73

Good morning everyone.  Is it just me, or did we have a great discussion last week?  When we only had two comments by Saturday night, I thought perhaps it was another that I found interesting but no one else did, but once it got some momentum, it was great. I hope you had a great week. 

While our weekly discussion was great, the week itself left me tired.  And, some of that was my own fault.  I had a business trip, including meeting a customer for a "a drink" and then "a" drink turned into several.  It wasn't hugely excessive, but it was enough to leave me tired, cranky and off my game,  Therefore, I will be self-reporting to Disciplinary Wife tonight and, assuming no distractions or interruptions, my bottom will be paying the price in the form of her stern discipline, to make up for my own lack of self-discipline.

So, while spanking may be on my mind most of the day as I think about what awaits me, this week's topic covers everything but spanking.  Specifically, let's talk about the role that other forms of punishment can play in DD.  I don't really have a lot to add to this conversation, at least in terms of actual experience.  Disciplinary Wife and I have talked from time to time about exploring non-corporal punishments, but she has never really followed through.  The one we talk about most often is the possibility of her "grounding" me, like we sometimes did as punishment for our own kids.  Because we've never followed up on it, the parameters of such punishment have always been left somewhat vague, but it might mean something like barring me from socializing with work colleagues for some period of time,  Something along those lines.

What about you?  Have you and your partner implemented any non-spanking punishments?  Tell us all about them.   I'd also be curious to hear whether they have been more or less effective than spanking in effecting real change.  It has occurred to me that, in my particular case, they might actually prove more effective than a hard paddling, because as we discussed last week, I really, really hate the "service submission" thing,  So, perhaps making me do a tedious chore for some period of time, or serve her in some particularly annoying or humiliating way.

Even if you have not been subjected to any such punishments, let's put those creative minds to work coming up with some ideas that might be explored.

I hope you all have a great week.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Forum - Vol. 72

Hello all.  Well, have we all gotten back into the swing of things after the holidays?  I'm not quite there yet, but all good things must end.

This week's topic touches on some things we've talked about before, but I don't think I've presented it quite this way before and, even if I have, I now have a new personal context for it.  The question is:  As you have handed over more control or authority to your spouse as part of Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship, have they ever taken things in a direction you didn't anticipate, were not ready for, or didn't like?

I raise this now, because it has happened in my own relationship over the last few months.  As I have alluded to a few times, last year we talked about exploring something a little closer to a Femdom relationship,, with her exercising more dominance on a daily basis and in areas that didn't really have anything to do with correcting bad behavior.  It included exploring more of a "service submissive" scenario, with her bossing me around more, ordering me to do things for her, etc.  As I've also reported, while it had been a fantasy for awhile and something that I thought might help sand off some of my Alpha edges,  the reality of it  just didn't do anything for me.  Well, that is not quite right.  It is not that I did not react positively to it or get a thrill from her giving me orders.  Instead, I really didn't like it, and I reacted with annoyance and resentment to being ordered to do things, especially when I was busy and distracted by work and my own stuff.  In short, it just didn't work.

For me.  And, therein lies the basis for this week's topic.  While I have no real itnerest in continuing to explore this more "service Femdom" kind of dynamic, Disciplinary Wife clearly gets off on it.  It does not come naturally to her and, therefore, she does not do it that often.  But when she remembers to try it, she clearly likes it and has told me that she especially enjoys telling me to do something when she knows it pisses me off.  The fact that I do it reluctantly is, to her, evidence of her establishing real control, because if I enjoyed it then it woudn't really be an act of submission to her control  -- it would just be something that fills my own needs or desires.  

Although not reflecting a demand for service, her newfound confidence manifested iself in another concrete way at a family gathering.  We had family over for dinner and everyone congregated around the dining room table as the meal got started.   I was in the kitchen tending to some final detail as everyone gathered around the table.  When I came back, most of the family were already seated, including Disciplinary Wife, who was sitting in my usual spot at the head of the table, with a spot for me to her right.  Now, we have never been into a lot of formality at dinners and other family gatherings, so it is not like we have had a lot of traditions around the seating order, but on the vast majority of occasions I have been at the head of the table, with her either next to me or at the other end.  In this particular case, another guest had taken the the other end, leaving only one "head" position available.  And, she took it.  That may sound like a small thing, but it was something she has never quite gotten to before: an outward show of assuming the top role in the family.

So, assuming she keeps moving in this direction, I suspect that 2015 may be a "growth" year for me, at least in terms of really walking the talk about trying to diminish some of my Alpha male tendencies by acceping someone else's authority.

How about everyone else?  Tell us about any instance in which your spouse took the relationship in a direction you weren't really prepared for or had a hard time accepting.

I hope you have a great week.

Dan


Saturday, January 3, 2015

DWC Update and a New Reader Poll

For those who are interested, an anonymous commenter left an update on one of my previous posts bemoaning the loss of the Disciplinary Wives Club website when it was taken down.  It appears that it is back up and running, and available at:  http://auntkaysdwc.com/abegin.htm.

I've also posted a new poll.  This seeks to get at the extent to which being spanked when we were growing up correlates with adult interest in spanking and discipline.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Forum - New Year's Eve 2014 Special Edition


Season's Greetings one and all. I hope you've had great holiday, and I hope you enjoy the waning hours of 2014.  Safely and responsibly.

A common theme that unites many couples practicing Domestic Discipline is self-improvement and, for the Disciplinary Wives, giving their hubbies and significant others that extra little motivation required to address all those nagging little behavior problems.  Which fits in very nicely with that New Year's tradition -- making resolutions. 

I like resolutions.  I like setting goals. I know I won't always hit them, but it's amazing what you can accomplish over time if you are able to improve incrementally day by day, week by week, year by year. On the other hand, I admit to being a little depressed when I look back at old blog and journal entries and realize that I seem to wrestle with some of the same challenges year after year.  But, hope springs eternal and, therefore, here are a few of my resolutions for 2015, some focused on general improvement and others related more specifically to our Domestic Discipline lifestyle.  I also have provided a list of resolutions that I am going to ask my wife to adopt, since ultimately my success in carrying out my resolutions may prove to be a function of that extra motivation she supplies to my upturned bottom. 

In the spirit of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours . . ." here goes. I invite you to share your resolutions and those you would like to see applied to you, for your and her benefit, by your Disciplinary Wife (or husband for our few Disciplined Wives).



General Resolutions

 I hereby resolve to:
  • have fewer Saturdays spent regretting my Friday work-related socializing
  • earn to better control my temper at work
  • nurture those important relationships, both work and personal, that sometimes don't get the time or attention they deserve
  • Exit 2015 in better physical shape than I entered into it, as measured by pant size, blood pressure, strength and endurance
Disciplinary Husband's Domestic Discipline Resolutions

I hereby resolve to:
  • self-report any infractions at least weekly
  • empower my wife to grow in her disciplinary authority, including by showing more outward signs of submission to her control
  • during spankings, instead of "taking it like a man," try hard to let go all ego and control, surrendering totally to her authority
Disciplinary Wife's Resolutions [as proposed by DH]

I hereby resolve to:

  • err on the side of strict, consistent, timely discipline
  • take full control of husband and my household, becoming increasingly comfortable with being the one in charge at all times
  • when discipline has been earned, it will be delivered in a timely manner, in order that he links the crime and the punishment firmly in his mind and has a stronger incentive not to misbehave or to try to talk me into a delaying a punishment
  • when his conduct deserves a severe spanking, I will deliver it, pushing him past his limits such that he visibly loses control
  • show no toleration for work or social behavior that puts him or our household at risk
  • explore creative non-spanking punishments and controls
OK folks.  That's it from me for 2014.  Here's hoping you all have a very Happy New Year's and a great 2015.

Dan

Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Forum - Vol. 71


Hi all.  Can't you just feel 2014 winding down.  I hate to speak ill of the almost departed, but I have to admit, it has seemed like a challenging year in a lot of ways.  And while the holidays usually are my favorite time of year, this time they kind of snuck up on me, and work seems to be accelerating as we go into year-end, while all I really want is to veg out in front of a the Christmas tree with a big glass of wine.  But, some years are like that and, despite presenting some challenges, my nuclear family all made it through the year in one piece and in relatively good health and spirits.  And, that alone is much to be thankful for.

On to this week's question, which I offer in the spririt of the season (I also apologize in advance to those of our readers who don't celebrate Christmas):  Have you ever given or received a spanking or DD-themed Christmas gift?  And, what spanking  or DD gift would you most like to find under your tree Christmas morning?  At our house, Mrs. Disciplined Hubby will be getting a new rubber strap in her stocking.  While it is a practical gift, I suspect she will like it much more than a new frying pan.

I may take a break next week in honor of the Holiday Season, so here is wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Dan

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Forum - Vol. 70

Hi all.  Sorry for the late start.  It's been a crazy couple of days, including some things that kept me busy and unable to post until now.  So, let's get to it.

This week's topic is a follow-up to last week's, which focused on tears.  Respecting Mistress suggested this related question:   

What happens in the relationships where the husband does end up weeping? What kind of reaction does he get from his wife? How does his wife feel seeing him weeping? Is there any loss of respect from him - or does increase with her knowing he's taken his punishment. How does he feel towards her for 'breaking' him?" 

Let's broaden a litte so it is not quite as focused on tears.  For those who have been brought to tears, "broken," or otherwise brought to an actual surrender to your wife's authority in a way that hadn't occurred until the, what was the effect of that on both of you?  How did you feel?  Happy?  Peaceful? Or, was there any resentment or a new sense of respect tinged with some fear or anxiety?  Wives, how did you feel the first time you saw that unmistakable evidence that you had really gontten your point across?

Sorry again for the delayed start.   

Dan

Saturday, December 6, 2014

The Forum - Vol. 69

Hello all.

I hope you had a great week and have girded yourselves to brave the holiday shopping crowds.  I am so far behind this year, I'm dreading walking around aimlessly, hoping that the one great gift for each person in my life will just magically present itself, thereby saving me from resorting to the dreaded gift card.  Given my behavior, I know what I should be getting, repeatedly, before, during and after Christmas, if Santa Claus really does separate us into Naughty and Nice groupings.


We have now closed another poll, and this one has a special resonance for me.  The topic was tears, specifically, have you ever been brought to tears by an adult spanking.  And, if so, was it just a few small tears of full-blown sobbing.  The results are:

No
  49 (48%)
Yes - only a few tears
  26 (25%)
Yes - real sobbing
  27 (26%)

Once again, our poll results are somewhat counter to what I would have predicted.  I have always suspected that if there was one area where disciplinary fantasy disconnects from disciplinary reality, it probably was crying.  Reading about "real" disciplinary spankings in forums like the Disciplinary Wives Club, one would think that vritually every well-delivered disciplinary spanking leave the husband racked with sobs and free-flowing tears.  Yet, the last time we covered this topic (early in the history of this blog), most of the commenters indicated they had not been brought to tears.  We now have a bit more critical mass, and the results above may be a little more indicative of what happens in real life, and I am a little suprised that the distibution is almost 50-50 between the tearful and non-tearful.  I also am very surprised that over a quarter of respondents say they have been reduced to real sobs.

I said this topic has some special resonance for me.  To such an extent that the prospect of crying was probably the most significant driver of the emotional reaction I had when I discovered the DWC website.  The stories of men being brought to tears over their wives knees fascinated me and had an undeniable attraction, but it was an attraction that was also utterly and completely terrifying.  The thought of letting go of control so thoroughly that I would sob in front of my wife while she paddled me was anxiety-inducing to an extent that is really hard to over-estimate.   Yet, the prospect of experiencing that kind of catharsis was also a major impetus for my decision to broach the topic of DD with her.  But, in doing so, I really did half-hope that she would not be interested, because the prospect of being brought to tears just terrified me so much.

So, here we are many years later, and I still have not cried, even as the result of spankings that I think anyone would acknowledge fall into the "severe" range.  While it is all speculation on my part, I think there are many things that account for it, including:  (1) I have a lead bottom and a weirdly high pain threshold; (2) my wife doesn't do a lot of stern lecturing beforehand, which might reduce mey resistance emotionally before the spanking even starts; (3) deep-seated fear of embarrassment that keeps me from quite letting go fully and completely; (4) spankings that are severe in terms of impact but not always in terms of duration, because my bottom starts to bleed (usually very minor, but enough that it makes her stop).

Alan alluded to that last one in his comment yesterday, as I do think that one thing that would help me get to the point of actual release is the prospect that a spanking that I am already having a hard time taking is likely to go on, and on and on.  I also think the choice of tool can be important, because some of our bigger, "thuddier" paddles tend to make my bottom go numb pretty quickly, which is counter-productive.

Alan also talked about his wife's reaction to tears and that she not only is comfortable with him crying but encourages it.  My wife and I have discussed this several times, and I think her attitude has progressed a lot as she has become more comfortable in her role, going from acknowledging that my crying might disturb her because it it shows is hurting me "too much," to getting over that and being OK if I do cry at some point, to mildly disappointed that it has not happened yet.

So, with that very long-winded opening, tell us your situation, hopes and fears where tears are concerned.  Have you been brought to tears?  Would you like to be?  If you have, were there certain things that enabled you to get there? If not, what do you think is holding you back?

I hope you all have a great week.

Dan