Hi all. I hope you had a great weekend. We're going to be out for several days this week. If I post at all, it will be late in the week.
There was a discussion developing in this week's post regarding corner time. Feel free to continue to explore that topic if you like. Otherwise, we'll talk next week.
You learn a lot more from the lows because it makes you pay attention to what you're doing.” – John Elway
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club. Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.
I hope you had a great week. Mine was pretty laid back, which was kind of what I needed after the preceding week’s adventures. That week’s adventures were on my mind a lot, however. Here’s why in a nutshell, as it was the impetus for this week’s topic.
It was a fun time, and it really was an adventure. Like most adventures, it required quite a bit of preparation, including specialized equipment. I’d been on a somewhat similar excursion before and had some of the necessary equipment already. But, I hadn’t done much recent maintenance on it and didn’t check it until a few days before the trip. As it turned out, some of it was worn and really should have been replaced. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get that done in time and decided to risk it.
While it was a genuine oversight, it was sloppy. It also wasn’t really excusable, as I’d booked the excursion months in advance and had plenty of time to prepare. Worse, the group running the show sent out an extensive memo a couple of weeks before the trip, and it covered most of the needed preparations. Anne read it promptly and even asked the status of some of the things I needed to do. I dawdled and let some of the prep time run out.
In addition to not maintaining or replacing some key equipment, I neglected to bring some helpful gear with me. I had put together a checklist, yet somehow I still managed to forget to pack some of it. None of it was strictly necessary, but it definitely would have been helpful to have it.
While no catastrophe ensued because of any of these oversights, the failure to maintain or replace some gear did create some problems for me and also put one of the group’s coordinators to some extra work helping me remediate one of the deficiencies.
Unfortunately, if I’m being honest, my sloppiness was probably par for the course. I have a tendency to wing it, and I’ve never been very detail oriented. Anne even asked me recently how I can be so lackadaisical when my career actually required a lot of attention to detail. The simple answer is I had really good, detail-oriented people under me and around me.
Unlike many other times when my lack of preparation and planning has created problems, this time I really did get angry with myself. In the past, I could excuse it to some extent on the basis that I was crushingly busy and couldn’t always stay on top of everything. Truth be told, however, that level of busyness was a reason to get more organized and systematic, not a good excuse for being less so.
When we first began experimenting
with domestic discipline, our focus was on reducing “big ticket” bad
behavior. Like drinking too much or too
often. Disrespect. Temper tantrums. Although our general rule, from the
beginning, was that she could spank for any reason, in reality, most of the
focus has always been on (a) reducing or eliminating (b) bad habits and
problematic behavior. There has never been much emphasis on (a) developing or
fostering (b) good habits and productive behavior.
It's not like there has been no attention on “small” things like being more focused and attentive, but it’s been sporadic. A few months ago, I posted about Anne getting mad about me failing to lock doors in the house before bed or before going out. It’s not that I don’t recognize that it would be desirable to lock doors at night, even if I’m not quite as paranoid about it as she is. But, given how many times it happened, it plainly was something I just wasn’t paying much attention to.
And, it’s not like I don’t see a value in being more focused, attentive and systematic in my approach to day-to-day stuff. I definitely recognize that my tendency to wing it has cost me and others time and, in some cases, caused a fair amount of stress when things went wrong and might not have had I been paying more attention. In fact, I suspect that one reason I got so interested in the whole Nexium “sex cult that preached empowerment” thing is because it seemed to focus on helping people create sufficient leverage—in the form of negative consequences—to develop better habits, work harder, hit performance goals, etc.
It's not hard to envision all sorts of “small” lapses in attention or failures to focus that can cause problems big and small:
It really could be anything.
How about you? Are there things you know you don’t pay enough attention to? Things you fail to prepare for adequately? Maintenance and repairs that should be addressed but aren’t? Other lapses in attention, diligence or care?
Are there things like that you get spanked for? Are there things like that you aren’t spanked for but know you should be? Are there things like that you genuinely wish she would spank you for, because it would elevate your performance or save you or others from unnecessary work or stress? Tell us all about it.
A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. ~ Elbert Hubbard
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club. Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.
I hope you all had a great week. Mine was exhilarating, frustrating, exciting, exhausting -- pretty much everything you want from an adventurous vacation. I came back with a slight injury and a sunburn, but otherwise no worse for the wear.
I know many of you tried to keep the comments going but many were diverted to spam. I’m sorry about that. Unfortunately, most of the days I was out adventuring I was either off-grid or otherwise occupied. Although I did have my phone with me, I think it is literally the first time in a couple of decades that I haven’t ventured onto a desktop computer, laptop or tablet for an entire week.
A couple of weeks ago, K and Alan had a series of exchanges focusing on post-orgasm spankings, also sometimes referred to as “milking.” Here is a slightly condensed version of their comments:
K: J always has me climax before (rare) punishments and sometimes, but not always, before (more common) discipline/correction spankings (depending on how severe she wants to make the experience).
I absolutely hate it; It takes me completely out of the frame of mind where it's exciting and sexy, and the contrast between the "afterglow" feeling and the pain of the spanking is very stark. It's, I must admit, a very effective for her to make the spanking a real disciplinary event that I would NOT sign up for voluntarily.
But, interestingly, my MEMORY of those spankings are much more complex. I remember that my wife spanked me in a no-nonsense, definitely punitive way, and I find that to be a very erotic thing. So while it's not sexual in the moment at all, it reinforces something I find very erotic and and exciting.
I'm not RECOMMENDING it, but it does work for us in a way that's hard to explain.
Does that make sense?
I should also add: J isn't trying to make me miserable, quite the contrary, we want to make each other happy. But she feels that if she's going to discipline/punish me for something, it needs to be "real" and not something that I get pleasure or mixed signals from. And I have to agree, even if I hate it when she carries it out.
Alan: K WRITES: “But she feels that if she's going to discipline/punish me for something, it needs to be "real" and not something that I get pleasure or mixed signals from.”
It is hard to disagree with her feeling about the “realness” of punishment. Making a man “cum” before punishment leaves no doubt that it is real. But I look at post orgasm spankings as the “nuclear option” to be used when all else fails, but not every time. I have experienced post orgasm punishment a handful of times and I do know how powerful they can be.
But for us, my wife can make a punishment spanking very real without making me cum before while holding the post orgasm out as an implicit threat if she feels it is needed.
I am not criticizing your wife or any other couples who use post-orgasm spankings routinely. And apparently some couples do use them regularly. Every couple has to learn what works for them, and I have heard the argument that spanking a male after orgasm often produces a shorter spanking and leaves less damage to the bum despite the pain. So it is actually more “merciful.”
Those arguments may well be correct and I have been convinced that administering post-orgasm must be in a disciplinary wife’s arsenal. But I do think it’s better to use it sparingly because removing the erotic charge (for us anyway) reduces that strong emotional bonding post-spanking can that makes DD so powerful
BTW, the last time I addressed this topic a female commenter said I was ‘nuts” if I thought I should be immune to spanking if I had cum. I am not saying that at all. I am just saying that a very real spanking can be administered to a guy without making him cum before. And doing that keeps the threat of a post orgasm spanking a line he doesn’t want to cross.
Alan (responding to my comment that we have not done post-orgasm spankings and I kind of hope it stays that way): I agree with your sentiments with the caveat that if wife or girlfriend determines she wants it available, then it becomes a problem to make it a hard limit and still maintain a full D\D or FLR relationship. I don't believe it is necessary but both women I have had a disciplinary relationship have bristled at the notion their authority was limited as far as using it. I think you have been fortunate that Anne hasn't used it and frankly I think I have been lucky that both women in my life used it very infrequently and mainly to make a point. However as K and several others report it MAY not be uncommon in female led DD relationships.
Personally I would like to see a fuller discussion of the practice: how many use it, how often, with what results, for what issues etc.
So, let’s give Alan that fuller discussion. It’s not a discussion I can contribute much to, at least not based on any actual experience. It is an activity we have not engaged in (yet), and I am pretty glad about that. I do recognize, however, that this might be one of those things where the rubber really meets the road regarding behavior correction. I have no doubt that being completely relieved of the erotic or sexual tension and energy that may be bound up in the desire for DD leaves only pure punishment, and I can see it being option for very serious offenses if “lighter” forms of punishment haven’t worked.
Also, it's just the nature of an orgasm to leave you feeling lazy and content -- about the last thing you would want after that is a long, hard spanking. Of course, that is kind of the whole point of doing it that way. I sometimes wonder whether removing all that energy would make it easier for me to get to real tears, but I kind of doubt it. The two don’t seem connected, but I could be wrong.
So, please let us know what your experiences have been, if any, with post-orgasm spankings.
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club. Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.
I'm headed off on a small adventure over the next week, with some of it off-grid and all of it with other people around all the time. So, I won't be posting or commenting much. I had planned to just say I was taking the week off, but TG posted a comment on last week's topic that will serve well as the topic for this week.
"If this is an inappropriate post, please remove it. It has nothing to do with the current conversation but is more a suggestion for a future topic. I guess it could be summarized as “I know myself but I don’t understand myself.” I’d be interested to know if others have similar thoughts. First, some context: we’ve been in this DD lifestyle a long time - twenty years plus - and if I’m honest, I don’t receive discipline as often as I feel I should. Firstly I don’t understand craving that, as it is genuinely a painful experience. Certainly there is the element of washing away any feelings of guilt over whatever it was that I did, plus making her feel better by getting the anger out of her system, but that doesn’t explain it all. Anyway, a few weeks ago she told me to come to the room she was in and bring the cane, I had no idea why but did as I was told. Turned out yet there was a fairly small thing that I had been reminded to do many times and had forgotten once too often, and this time was caned for it. Of course (1) I was happy to take the punishment and (2) it was very painful and certainly not in any way pleasant at the time."
"So here’s my confusion, firstly let me say that I would never intentionally do anything that would get me disciplined - I think that would come under the heading of disappointing her to a much greater extent and would be out of the question for me. However I have not repeated this small transgression a single time in the last few weeks, even though I have had plenty of opportunities to do so and it wouldn’t look deliberate if I did. So the punishment really worked. I can’t reconcile my craving for discipline with the pain of actually getting it with my absolute reluctance deliberately to do even a small thing to earn it. Is this just me being even more weird than others, or do others have similar confusions ? TG"
I look forward to reading your responses but perhaps not until I get back. I hope you all have a great week.
"If you don't ask, the answer is always no." -- Nora Roberts
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club. Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.
I hope you all had a great week. Mine was pretty good, though when I said last week that I felt like I was turning a corner where some disappointing behavior was concerned, it proved to be a little too optimistic. I got one spanking a few days ago and earned another yesterday.
I did manage to be fairly productive last week, at least by my standards. Unfortunately, a few days of devoting myself to a home improvement project put me behind on getting out a blog post. I did still want to get one out this week, though I’m cheating a little to make it happen. The below is taken more or less verbatim from a post from about three years ago. It’s on origins. Although we do those fairly frequently, we have a few new commenters and this may be a way to get to know them better. Hopefully the topic won’t strike longer-term commenters as too repetitive.
I always enjoy hearing how others got into this thing we do, because I still maintain that it is not a very common lifestyle and getting into it displays the kind of openness, courage, and mutual support that couples should be proud to share, encouraging others to ask for what they want and to be open to giving it even if it seems a little weird at first.
Let’s get right to the questions for the groups.
For the husbands who initiated DD:
For the wives:
I am not going to go into my own origin story in detail, as I’ve told it here repeatedly, but here are my responses to the specific questions.
Here are my responses:
How did I approach her? I did it after I found the DWC website and spent a weekend devouring it. We were in bed, with the lights off, and I told her in general terms what the website was about. I'm not sure I could have done it any other way, except maybe by email, because I was so embarrassed by the whole thing.
What exactly did I say? A lot. Much of it centered on how this was not kink, or not just kink but, rather, about giving her real power to dole out real punishment for real offenses. I also told her that the spankings were so real that the expectation was the husband would end up crying. That one turned out to be more fantasy than reality, but I do remember making that point to her, because I was trying to show that I was not suggesting a continuation of the short stint of erotic play-acting that we had tried in the past and that she felt was actually encouraging bad behavior.
How did I work up the courage? Well, I really felt like I didn't have much choice. After I read the stories and other content on the DWC website, I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing that I couldn't think of anything else. It was front and center in my mind all day and all night. I really couldn't NOT tell her about it. It was truly an obsessive kind of thing, and as far as I can recall, the first time I had experienced anything like that. I was aroused and scared at the same time. And, to be clear, not scared that she wouldn't do it. Scared that she would. Yet, here I was asking for it. It was all very paradoxical and perplexing, but the whole idea of it resonated so strongly for me that I had no real choice but to at least tell her about it and let the chips fall where they may.
How long did it take before the first spanking? I think it was only one day. Definitely no more than two.
What was her initial reaction? She didn't say very much the night I raised the subject with her. She listened without saying very much. When I was through talking, she said she would check out the DWC website, and that was about it. I would characterize her attitude as puzzled, curious, and noncommittal. I recall going to sleep even more wired and on edge, because I had no idea what to expect. Honestly, I thought the most likely scenario was she wouldn't follow up at all, or she would reject the idea as just more erotic spanking with the potential to encourage even more bad behavior. However, she called me at work the next day. (She said she had looked at the website. Her only initial comment was, "Very interesting." She then said that if I was serious about it, I should go shopping for an appropriate hairbrush.
How long until the first spanking? She gave me my first spanking that same night.
Was it all that I expected? In a word, no. We had so little experience with this, I don’t think either of us had any understanding of how hard is hard. It took more experimentation with serious tools, including a wooden "fraternity"-style paddle, before it became very real. I still recall the first time it really hit home that I might have asked for more than I had bargained for. We had instituted a system of assigning points to each type of offense, with each point representing one swat with the paddle. While my spankings up to that point had averaged between 10 - 25 swats, I had an exceptionally bad week, and I gulped when I realized it added up to 60. She had never given me anything close to that before. I said something about not being sure I could take that many, and without skipping a beat she told me that I was going to take that many and that if I hadn't wanted that many then I should have behaved better.
So, tell us all about your own origin story.
I hope you all have a great week.
