I've said that I'm usually very into Christmas but this year I've had a hard time getting into it. But, our family began getting together last night, and this morning I woke up to gently falling snow. It's putting me in the mood.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and a happy new year.
See you all in 2024.
“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” - Salvador Dali
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.
Once again, before we get started, I would like to extend a specific invitation to any of our female readers, if they still exist, to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. While I’ve always said the blog is open to both men and women, one of our commenters suggested I expressly invite our female readers to join the discussion. Please consider the invitation enthusiastically extended.
I hope you all had a good week and are making it through, and maybe even enjoying, all that holiday socializing and shopping. For me, it was a week in which I felt a little of my mojo return, mojo being in this case a euphemism for both erotic energy and interest in all things Domestic Discipline. Not that we engaged in any actual disciplinary or FLR-related activities, but at least it was on my mind again.
Some of it probably is just part of the recovery process post-illness. But, it’s also not lost on me that my interest level in DD jumped by virtue of writing about it. It’s a good reason to try to exercise some discipline around posting regularly, even when I really don’t feel like it.
One area where my interest level is still at a surprisingly low ebb is the whole Christmas season. This is usually my favorite time of year, hands down. This year, for some reason I just don’t have a lot of enthusiasm. I’ve talked to others who are feeling the same way. It’s not really about being down on the season but, rather, feeling the need for something . . . smaller. Less hectic. Less complicated.
Of course, I’m enough of an introvert that I must ask myself whether by smaller and less hectic, I really just mean I don’t want to be around people! Thankfully, now that we are both retired, there is so little on our holiday social calendar, it’s not like I really need a break from the party scene. One bright spot, I guess, is that maybe there will be no need for preventative butt blisterings to keep me in line.
While my disciplinary mojo is, indeed, edging back up, I can’t say I’ve had any sudden flashes of inspiration for novel topics. So, instead, I thought we could riff a little more on some of last week’s comments.
Let’s kick it off with this from KOJ:
“Here's a paradox in the first years of our DD (until I was well-trained): the better I responded to my wife's spankings, the more spankings I got!
Why? Two reasons: One, she saw that they worked to improve my attitude and subdue my male ego, but I still had a long way to go in her eyes. And two, she saw that spankings worked so she kept adding issues covered by DD. First it was all about respecting her. Then she added treating the kids better. Then she added respecting others. Then she added punctuality. Then she added my drinking. Then she added picking up after myself. Then she added actual chores. Then she added procrastination. On and on -- a seeming receding horizon of new issues that guaranteed me an almost constant sore backside for a decade. And she was right about every single issue.”
For us, it’s kind of a combination. My proclivity for overdoing it when socializing hasn’t changed much over the years. But, this year was the first in which she focused increasing attention on “respect for others,” in the context of that socializing. Probably the second worst spanking, and definitely the worst lecture, of the year resulted from what she saw as overbearing behavior at a dinner with another couple. She also spanked me for an argument we got into, but it wasn’t so much the argument itself but the fact that she felt I had let something irritate me for a long time and then exploded, which was unfair to her because had I been more open about the situation sooner, she could have dealt with it without all the drama.
Those developments may have been somewhat similar to the process KOJ described. But, then there were the repeated spankings and threats of spankings for leaving the garage door open and failing to lock the front door. Those were new-ish instances of carelessness on my part, and not really her paying new attention to an existing problem.
Then, there was this series of exchanges between K., GH and me:
K: The first time she did it [gave a post-orgasm punishment spanking] the anticipation was exciting, but that was only because I had no real idea what I was in for. Any physical pleasure is over very quickly. She has me use her vibrator, which gets the job done in no time. I've usually lost most of any erection I had by the time my pants are down, but the vibrator still gets through. What follows is pure punishment, with no sexual edge at all. There's no sexual element to counter the pain or energize me through it. Usually she uses a rubber strap that hurts like hell even with a warm up (and I definitely get no warm up if I'm being punished). There is absolutely nothing you would confuse with fun or sexiness about the whole ordeal. After considerable time passes, I can look back on it and feel warm and grateful, because I LOVE being in a relationship where my wife has that authority and isn't afraid to use it. But her punishments are something I've learned to fear and avoid, not be aroused by. So they work.
Me: I go back and forth on whether a true punishment can still be "too much." I do feel like there is an important mental element of accepting accountability. During a hard spanking, I will sometimes remind myself that I put myself in this position and could avoid such pain by behaving better in the future. But, I've found that with some instruments--those rubber straps in particular--the pain was so extreme that all such thoughts were driven from my brain as I simply tried to gut it out. On the other hand, one could argue that a very painful punishment has a purpose regardless of whether you "accept" it in the moment. In fact, maybe it reinforces that if she is really in charge she can and should punish whether you "accept" it or not. As I said, I go back and forth on it.
K: Basically, our disciplinary relationship is "she's my disciplinarian, even - maybe especially - if I'm not into it at the time."
That thread touches on areas that I’ve thought about quite a bit this year, as Anne has gotten stricter in some areas. The incident that triggered those thoughts wasn’t directly about spanking. Rather, it had to do with one of those hard lectures I referred to above. That one, and another that came within a few weeks of it, caused me to feel resentful for quite some time. I started to get past that only after I talked to Aunt Kay’s husband, and he said something to the effect of, “Well, a real, tough scolding is hard to take. It just is.”
The more I thought about it, the more I started to understand at a deep level that the emotions I was feeling were a demonstration that we had hit one of those milestones in which the transfer of authority, the imposition of a distinct hierarchy with her at the top, became more real. The scolding stung precisely because it was real and angry and took me down a peg or three.
K.’s discussion was about the severity of the spanking and not a scolding, but the principle is similar. You know the authority and the discipline are real when they happen regardless of whether you are “into it at the time” or regardless of whether the severity is way more than you would choose if you had any control over it. The fact that you don’t have any control over it is what makes it more real.
When I look back, I think many—probably too many—of my conversations with Anne have included feedback about whether something “worked for me” or not. This year, I started thinking a lot more about the fact that it’s when it her approach is not working for me, when I am feeling the most emotionally upset or resistant, that it’s actually doing its best work.
That same point carries over to seemingly more pedestrian, less philosophical issues like the choice of implements and whether some are just “too” severe. I really do go back and forth on that, as noted in my exchange with K. I do feel like really absorbing (no pun intended) the lesson she is trying to impart requires me to think about why the spanking is happening, how I got myself into this, how I could avoid a similar one in the future, etc. With certain instruments, that whole mental process of accepting responsibility and really meaning to do better goes right out the window. The pain is just so sudden and so severe that I go into a “man up” attitude that is all about not surrendering and, instead, trying to get it out and get through it by any means necessary.
I don’t have a lot to add in terms of a specific topic, so take it any direction that seems fitting.
Even if I’m having a bit of a hard time fully embracing the Christmas spirit, I hope that’s not true for all of you. Enjoy the season. But behave yourself or suffer the consequences!
“The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes.” — Tony Blair, Former British prime minister
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.
I hope you’re all doing well
and have had a kick-off to the holiday season.
I’m sorry that my posting (and even commenting) has been so lackluster. At least I think I may be narrowing in on the source of my malaise.
As I stated before, I came back from vacation sick with Covid (for the third time), and my DD interest seemed to have plummeted. I now have a working theory on why it happened, though not necessarily how to correct it, at least not quickly.
I had my annual physical exam (though, thanks to my procrastinating it usually ends up being closer to biannual) shortly after we went on vacation. But, I put off doing the blood draw for the various health-related metrics they check, because I knew that a week at an all-inclusive resort probably had not done wonders for my cholesterol levels or other markers. I finally got around to doing the blood draw earlier this week.
Surprisingly, my cholesterol numbers were great. But, oddly, my testosterone levels are way down. Like down by 30% in one year! I had no idea why, but out of curiosity I Googled “Covid and declining testosterone levels.” Sure enough, there is good clinical data showing that Covid can, in fact, cause sudden declines in testosterone.
I have always said that, although I don’t have a spanking or discipline “fetish,” it’s certainly true that the energy that underlies my DD interest is heavily erotic. So, what happens when the testosterone that drives sexual energy drops? Well, apparently in my case it means my interest in DD drops right along with it. Here’s hoping it’s temporary. . .. And, I have felt a some slightly stronger erotic stirrings this week, so perhaps the situation is improving.
In the meantime, I will diligently try to get my act together on diet and exercise over the holidays in an effort to get those "T" levels back up. Maybe in the process I'll shed some of the weight I put on last holiday season.
Norton suggested this:
“Christmas is usually a stressful time, and this one has the added stress of a resurgence of Covid where I live, as well as the brewing threat to our democracy, plus the Israeli - Gaza war, as well as the ongoing war with Russia and Ukraine, which has further devided the country. When I feel stressed out, I drink more, and pay attention less. This has led to my earning 3 disciplinary spankings in the last 10 days. Before this, I went for over a month or longer, not earning any discipline, and getting only maintenance spankings. When I find things that seem relevant to us, I bring them up in our check before most spankings. One entry I read from awhile back was about how difficult it must be for our wives to be in the role of constantly needing to make decisions about how often and how severe to punish. My partner affirmed that was true for her as well, and in the middle of yesterday's spanking, she told me "I don't like having to do this", which made me feel somewhat ashamed of putting her through that. It also left me feeling the need to increase my resolve to not earn any more punishment for awhile. Does any of this ring true for you guys as well?”
Then, I got this email from “Mike”:
“First of all thank you for your blog! We started our version of a DD
marriage this August and I had the luck to come across your blog by
chance. I have only commented once so
far on the recent topic of tears but I read your blog regularly and try to read
through all the old posts (which are a lot!) in order to have a better
understanding of what a DD relationship can look like.
If it's okay with you, I
would like to suggest a topic for a future discussion that has been on my mind
lately. Namely the DD progression in relationships especially with regard to
naturally non dominant wives who have a hard time picking up and applying the
paddle.
Maybe I can give you a little background on what I mean by that: My wife is 30 and I am 37. We have three small kids (so life is very busy and noisy). I have been a hard wired spanko since childhood but in our 10 years of marriage I kept that secret because my wife is as vanilla as it gets and does not have a kinky bone in her body. This summer we had a big argument about my lack of help around the house and I took this as an opportunity to suggest DD to her. Her response was a clear “hell no” to spanking me but we did experiment with some other forms of accountability. After I continued to try to move her in the direction of spanking I eventually revealed my deep rooted need to her in a very emotional and vulnerable moment and she reluctantly agreed to give it a try. We tried different things in the last few months and at the beginning I was too much in control telling her how to do her discipline job. After we both read “the good wife's guide to taking charge” (again first heard about it on your blog) she set up the rule that I write her a list of all my infractions and pin it on our fridge every friday. She will then deal with me when she feels like it. Sometimes it is the same weekend but sometimes it may be three weeks later. I have no say regarding discipline whatsoever.
Now I do count my lucky stars that I finally get some of the discipline and boundaries I crave and I am extremely grateful to my wife for being willing to do this for me. But I know she really doesn´t like spanking me and therefore the spankings are often not really hard enough and too infrequent. She mostly spanks for things we agreed together that I should change but never uses her power for other things I do that really piss her off. It is still mostly me who asks her “do I need to put this on the report?” when I feel I made her angry (= trying to remind her of her power) rather than her telling me to put it on the list and expect a severe spanking the next weekend.
Now on your blog I read
about a lot of wives who took to it naturally and enjoy their power. My wife -
as of now - does not fall into that category. But I am really curious about how
DD progressed in relationships in which the wife at the beginning did not like
spanking their husband but did it anyway. Did that feeling change for some
wives? Did they start to enjoy it? Did intensity and frequency increase? From
what I gathered by reading your blog DD is a process.
I guess I just try get some perspective and encouragement / hope that our DD could evolve into more than it is now. I hope one day she will see DD as a tool she can use to her benefit rather than a chore she has to perform. At the same time I do know that my wife is completely worn out from taking care of our kids (youngest being 1 year old) so we started DD in a stage in our lives that is already challenging enough.
I will stop my rambling now. Maybe it might be worth a post / discussion. Either way thanks for your blog. I really appreciate that it is not focused on the bdsm aspect as so many other blogs are. I don´t really identify with that. If you want to pick up my topic suggestion feel free to use anything that I did write. I apologize if my english is a bit off - it´s not my native language.”
Although they are coming at it from slightly different angles, it seems to me that both Norton and Mike are raising the topic of the burdens of taking on the role of disciplinarian in a DD marriage, and how for some it can be a chore or worse.
First off, I would like to
congratulate Mike on being honest with his wife about what he needs. It’s also a great thing on her part that,
despite being a vanilla, she has agreed to at least give all this a try. Those moves took courage on both parts and
dedication to the relationship and to each other. And, it may be worth reminding him, be careful what you wish for!
Regarding Mike’s request for guidance, I may not be the best resource, as I got lucky that while, like Mike’s wife, mine began this journey seemingly “as vanilla as it gets [without] a kinky bone in her body” mine was one of those who seemed to take to it surprisingly easily. Oh, I do think she thought the whole thing was kind of weird at first, but that didn’t stop her from giving very hard spankings almost from the beginning.
Though, it is still, in fact, a process. For example, she hasn’t always shown the initiative Mike talks about of being quick to punish for things that truly piss her off, even though we are almost twenty years into this little experiment.
But, I also have seen her confidence in herself and her general proclivity for keeping DD “top of mind” grow by leaps and bounds, particularly over the last couple of years since she retired. And, while it ebbs and flows, there definitely have been times over the last year when I felt she increasingly was coming to her own conclusions about the need for increased strictness.
As for Norton’s concerns, I’m also perhaps not the best person to respond. I don’t think that delivering hard disciplinary spankings has ever been an emotional burden per se for Anne. As I said, she took to them very readily and now, twenty years later, I think she downright enjoys giving them and actually gets antsy when (like now) she hasn’t blistered my backside in several weeks. She has never said anything like, “I don’t like doing this to you” because I think she very much DOES like doing it to me!
I do think sometimes she has experienced DD as a logistical burden. She has told me that sometimes when she’s decided I need a spanking, she will have to think about how to work it into a busy day. While I’m sure that isn’t easy, and I do sympathize, I don’t think it happens that often. My own reaction to that logistical burden is interesting, at least to me. Something about envisioning her mentally going through her daily calendar, figuring out when to work in a much-deserved spanking, really turns me on.
I hope you all have a great week.
I apologize for the very inconsistent posting. But, I'm not going to get a post out this weekend and possibly not this week. It's not really busyness, so much as a post-illness total lack of inspiration or even DD interest. This has happened a few times. gotten really sick or had a medical procedure and had all DD inclinations go poof! I felt a few glimmers of an idea for a post come through today, but not enough to lead to an actual post.
So, feel free to start a thread here if you have anything you want to talk about. Or, just tell us about your Thanksgiving.
Have a great week.
Hi all. I had planned to post this week but, unfortunately, I'm now three-for-three in getting Covid during or after vacation travel. That annoying little bug seems to have just the right key to open the door and get past my fully vaccine-enhanced immune system. Anyway, my head is way too full of congestion for any DD-related inspiration to pierce the mental fog.
For those of you in the U.S., I hope you have a great week, including time spent with family and friends. I hope you eat well, rest up, and travel safely.
“The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will.” ― Vince Lombardi Jr.
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.
Once again, before we get started I would like to extend a specific invitation to any of our female readers, if they still exist, to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. While I’ve always said the blog is open to both men and women, one of our commenters suggested I expressly invite our female readers to join the discussion. Please consider the invitation enthusiastically extended.
I hope you all had a great week. I’m bummed that my second favorite holiday has come and gone. Though, there still is a bit of Fall left, and the seasonal foods carry through to Thanksgiving.
We got mobbed by trick-or-treaters this year, probably because the weather wasn’t too bad, which is a rarity over Halloween where we live. What I still can’t figure out is the waves of junior high, and even high school, kids. In my day, we had better things to do, like drinking and doing drugs. What’s with kids these days??
Last week’s discussion was one of those in which, by the end of the week, I felt like we had a great discussion but I literally had to go back and check what the topic had been. Which is perfectly fine. The conversation meandered a lot, but we toughed on some great stuff. Reasons versus resets. Others knowing, and the associated vulnerability and embarrassment. Exceeding one’s limits. Asking for a spanking. Going to pros. Older women. Maternal discipline.
There was a lot of good stuff that I’ll need to go back and plumb for future topics. One that personally intrigued me:
When my wife was deciding whether to spank me or not, she commented that she was not my mother and never wanted to be acting as my mother. Then she proceeded to spank me just as my mother had -- OTK, bare bottom but not nude, with an implement, with scolding, no sexual connotations, but comfort afterwards. While I knew she was acting maternally, I never said so. I realized that I wanted her to be in loco parentis without realizing it or being confused by it. That was good for both of us.
The “in loco parentis” comment succinctly summarized something I’ve been feeling lately, but I think I’ll save it for a future topic.
Instead, I’ll go with this suggestion, also from KOJ:
Possible topic: Describe occasions where you know you are about to cross the line and earn yourself a spanking. Does that knowledge often act as a deterrent? Or do you often do it (whatever) anyway? If so, why? Are you testing her to see what will happen? Are you hoping to earn a spanking? Is your male ego just doing what it wants to do? Have you not been spanked enough for this particular behavior to have learned your lesson? Or ...?
I’ll take the liberty of also re-posting ZM’s responsive comment:
DD has allowed me to change behaviors and especially attitudes, but I can never think of a time that I chose to act differently or not exhibit an attitude because I thought it may result in a spanking. Rather, I have changed because DD allowed me to see things differently, and often from her perspective, and that is what brought about change.
The exception to this was when we were doing weekly check-ins with goals and punishments. Those did provide strong motivation, and I often changed my behavior to avoid punishment. Even there, however, I cannot think of a time that I chose to do something anyway, knowing it might result in punishment, nor did I want to test her. Rather, sometimes I did my best, or at least what I thought was my best, and it simply wasn't enough. Or sometimes there were things that I didn't have complete control over that kept me from meeting goals. And finally, especially with diet, I would go ahead and eat something because I wanted to, but always with my over-optimistic idea that I would work harder or follow the diet better the other days to still hit my target. I never thought "maybe this will get me punished, but I am going to do it anyway," but rather I thought "it will be ok, because I still have plenty of time to hit my target."
This one is kind of a tough one for me to answer, probably because there really aren’t that many times that I know I am about to cross the line. And, it’s very rare, if ever, that I test her to see what will happen, and I can confidently say that I never do something in hopes of earning a spanking.
The closest I come to going over a known line is probably not paying enough attention to a known risk because I have, in fact, repeatedly gotten away with similar behavior. Though, even that is pretty rare.
And, on a very few occasions, I probably do consciously decide to take the risk because it's something I want to do more than I fear the spanking for doing it.
A counter-example may serve best to illustrate that the underlying reason probably lies in KOJ’s question: “Have you not been spanked enough for this particular behavior to have learned your lesson?” I talked about how a few weeks ago Anne thought I was driving too fast and threatened not just one spanking, but a spanking every day for a week, if I got a ticket. What did I do? I slowed down. Reluctantly and grudgingly, but I slowed down.
What would have happened if she had threatened just one spanking? Honestly, there is a good chance I would have taken the risk. I’ve been spanked dozens of times, and a ticket didn’t seem very likely, so the cost-benefit analysis of speeding might have tilted in the direction of doing what I wanted. But, getting spanked every day for a week? Just the thought of that was “enough.”
That’s a fairly unique case, in which I did engage in some conscious risk assessment. Usually, I either tend to drift over lines without thinking about them, or the offense itself is about being careless and forgetful.
The best example is probably my ongoing problem with leaving doors unlocked or not ensuring that the garage door closes fully before I go inside. It happens fairly often, even though it really pisses Anne off. If I know it pisses her off, why do I still forget? I’m definitely not testing her, or deliberately disobeying, or hoping for a spanking.
And, it’s not like I’m consciously blowing off her concerns even if I don’t share them to the same extent. Instead, I simply get distracted and don’t notice a door is unlocked before I leave or get distracted and don’t watch the garage door go all the way down when I go into the house.
Those failings definitely are my fault, but there also is the issue of whether Anne is escalating enough to guarantee that she overcomes my forgetfulness. The fact is, we have talked about making that a “no tolerance” offense, and she always agrees that it should be . . . then she lets me off the hook.
It happened just last week. I came back from a dog walk. Thirty minutes later, I was sitting in my office and Anne was leaving for the gym when she yelled up that the garage door was open . . . again. I yelled down a somewhat shaky apology. I really expected I might hear something like, “Well, I’m leaving. So, we’ll take care of your spanking when I get back.” Nope, she just left and that was the end of it.
Hence, the reason I chose the Lombardi quote, above. I assume that when Lombardi referred to “lack of will,” he was talking about the unsuccessful person lacking it. But, it could also be the coach/boss/leader’s lack of will, couldn’t it? They say they want a particular result, but are they really escalating the consequences to the point that the subject will really get how bad the consequences will be, and how certain they will be, if they don’t step up?
I’m honestly not sure whether DD or threats of DD would change that, since it does seem to just vanish from my conscious decision-making process. But, would that be the case if she carried through with a threat like the threatened week of spankings for a ticket? I really don’t know, but I do think the willingness to escalate is key. I’ve used this spanking drawing several times, but that’s because it illustrates the escalation concept so perfectly.
There also is the issue of warnings. As I said, Anne did give me a very strong, direct warning about what the consequences would be if I got a speeding ticket on our trip. But, that really is the exception. I do think that, at least in some circumstances, I might toe that line better, instead of drifting right over it, if she made it unmistakably clear what would happen otherwise.
I can’t speak much to ZM’s examples. We haven’t really used DD to reinforce some concrete goal, like losing weight. If we did, I suspect that my key failing would be similar to his. I would make some excuse to indulge some activity I know is bad for me, thinking that I would double-down later, but it would instead lead to more and more backsliding.
A somewhat similar example that is an issue for me is procrastination. I often just don't get much done even though I have plenty of time. And, it's not always minor stuff or things that Anne doesn't care about. There have been medical things that Anne was probably more concerned about than I was, yet I didn't jump on getting them attended to right away. In those cases, making spanking a more effective deterrent probably would require more rigorous self-reporting, because sometimes Anne isn't aware of even the existence of the more important things I have on my to-do list and/or isn't aware that I haven't made any progress.
How about you? Has spanking been a strong deterrent? Has in proven more effective for some things and less so for others? What makes the difference? Do you sometimes consciously know you are about to cross the line and earn yourself a spanking but do it anyway? Why?
Ladies, do you recognize when your husband is going to cross that line? Is it something you seem him do often, despite your best DD efforts? Why do you think that happens? Have you thought about escalating the number or severity of punishments? Are there other things you’ve done to nip the problem in the bud?
Have a great week! FYI, we are off on another vacation next week and into the following week. I should have reliable connectivity but it’s likely I won’t get a post out while we’re gone. I’m going to play it by ear and will try to keep up with comments to some extent.
“Karma is a tricky thing. To serve karma, one must repay good karma to others. To serve Karma well, one must sometimes deliver bad karma where it is due.” ― R. Mathias
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and Female Led (FLR) relationships.
Once again, before we get started I would like to extend a specific invitation to any of our female readers, if they still exist, to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. While I’ve always said the blog is open to both men and women, one of our commenters suggested I expressly invite our female readers to join the discussion. Please consider the invitation enthusiastically extended.
This will be our last post before Halloween, so . . . Happy Halloween! It’s always been one of my very favorite holidays though, honestly, other than decorating the house and handing out candy, traditionally we haven’t really done that much for it. This week, for the first time in ages we went to a Halloween costume party. It was for adults, but nothing risqué. (Darn it.)
However, something did happen that has some potential bearing on some of the things we talk about here on this blog.
Over the last few months, I’ve developed a new friendship with the host of our Halloween party. It’s a pretty new relationship, and neither of us knows all that much about the other’s personal life. But, it was clear from the first time we got together with our wives that his “wears the pants” in that family. He has a big, bold personality, but hers is clearly the more dominant. As the party was kicking off, she took the floor to explain some of the planned festivities. Her husband was off to the side chatting with someone. After trying for a few seconds to talk over him, she called out: “Hey, will you please shut the fuck up? I’m talking here.” Her tone was kind of teasing, but also kind of not. She’s clearly someone who is used to issuing orders and having them obeyed. This was not the first time I've felt that vibe from them.
Over the entirety of our DD relationship, I’ve come across only one other couple who made me seriously wonder whether they might be in a similar dynamic. The interactions I’ve had with this new friend and his wife over the last few weeks definitely have me wondering whether they might be a second.
The odd thing is, I’m feeling
some interesting qualms about whether I would want him to know about our DD,
even If I were convinced he’s in a similar dynamic. It’s gendered as hell, but
it’s clear to me that for all my professed openness to letting others know, I
do have a bigger issue with men knowing than I do about women.
As I’ve noted before, early on in our relationship I told a female friend about our DD experimentation. I don’t recall being all that embarrassed about it, even though she was vanilla and I really had no idea how she might react. Yet, I find myself way more resistant to even the possibility of opening up to another man, even though in his case I do have some reason to think he could be in a somewhat similar dynamic. Now, part of it is clearly about the longevity of the relationship and differences in how well I know him versus my female confidante. But, I don’t think that’s really the only thing at play. Anyway . . . food for thought.
I go through phases where I seem to have lots of ideas for blog topics, then I inevitably hit a dry spell. The latter is happening now and has been for a few weeks. Since I’m lacking for real inspiration, I thought I might explore one of my favorite comments from last week--one from TB--and see whether we can parse it a bit more deeply. Instead of quoting the whole thing then probing it in a series of observations, I’m going to take it piece-by-piece, mixing up the order of our comment exchange a little and hitting on things that caught my attention. Instead of narrowing down to a particular topic, I invite all of your to jump in with anything his comment or my observations bring to mind.
DD started for us as a way of satisfying my lifelong interest in spanking. We were playing about one night, she started to spank me and I opened up about my interest a few days later. It gave her some power over me as she was able to access a part of me that I had kept secret from everybody.
As I told TB in my comments last week, this resonates with me strongly, though I had not thought about my interactions with Anne in quite this way before. I do recall vividly the conversation in which I first told Anne that I had discovered The Disciplinary Wives Club website, suggesting but not quite coming out and saying that I was interested in trying it. I definitely was very embarrassed and felt very vulnerable explaining it to her, not knowing how she would react. When she called me at the office the next day and told me she thought the whole thing was "interesting"--enough so that I should buy a brush on the way home--my heart definitely skipped a beat.
But, at the time I didn’t think about it in terms of giving her some power over me. Yet, clearly it did. At a minimum, it involved me giving her an embarrassing insight into my psyche that wasn’t reciprocal. The confession alone, and the inequality in our knowledge of each other that it invoked, was a first tentative step in elevating her in the power hierarchy and taking me down a peg.
As I observed to TB, it also makes me wonder whether that kind of unilateral revelation and the power dynamic it creates is at the root of many of our DD interests and fantasies, including particularly “witnesses.”
I've always known that a big driver of my DD fascination was a deep-seated desire to give up control. But, when I’ve thought about witnesses, I’ve tended to focus on the acute embarrassment it would entail and not much about someone else witnessing, or even just knowing about, a spanking inevitably involves giving that other person a certain power over us. And, it’s not just that they might say something to someone else. Rather, the fact that they know this very personal thing about you kind of elevates their power and diminishes yours vis-Ã -vis that relationship, doesn’t it?
After a time I asked her to explicitly link the spankings with behavior changes that she (and I) wanted to see. I wrote out several versions of 'rules', we experimented with a 'points' system but eventually have settled on a set of general principles, a sort of charter that we both use as a way of measuring how I have behaved and whether a 'reset' is due.
From the outset, we linked spankings with behavior changes we both wanted to see, and initially the approach was very rules-based before settling into something at least a bit more generalized, like the “charter” TB describes. Where we may differ is in the extent to which it’s about a “reset.”
Anne still tends to spank mostly for specific offenses. There isn’t a lot of focus on using disciplinary spankings to more generally reset the power dynamic. This ties into something else TB said about the benefits of DD in his relationship:
The key benefit for her is a rebalance in our relationship - as she will often say, she now has the power to stop me, to re-center me, to reset me any time needed. She says (and I agree) that we are much closer now and puts a lot of it down to the 'need' that I have exposed to her, the openness in my journal and hew ability to draw any dispute to a close if necessary.
For me I now have the
clear guidelines (or guardrails as Dan calls them) and some clear consequences
when I overstep. As a very goal driven personality having this clear 'target'
behavior', measures & consequences is very appealing. Tension builds in
most relationships for a variety of reasons - there is nothing quite like a
session with the strap to 'clear the air'!
Anne really doesn’t always seem to be aware of—or at least she doesn’t focus enough on—her general authority to “stop me, to re-center me, to reset me any time needed.” I feel like she’s missing an opportunity, including to “clear the air.” When we got back from our recent trip, we clearly were getting on each other’s nerves after too many days in close quarters, to the point that she observed that we “needed some space.” At that point, I probably was too irritated to respond well to a DD-oriented “reset.” But, a few days later, once we’d both cooled off a little, I think it probably would have been beneficial for both of us.
It makes me curious, how specific are the wives when it comes to reasons to spank? Setting something pre-scheduled like “maintenance” aside, is it almost always for some specific offense? Or, is it sometimes more generalized like TB’s “reset” or “re-centering”?
Link that to our recent development where I now explicitly 'own up' to failings and request that she addresses them via a spanking has moved her sense of power and control (she says) to a new level. If I miss anything she will point it out during the pre-spanking 'talk'.
I followed up on this, because although I know in my heart I should confess bad behavior and even request spankings as deserved, I generally don’t. And, while most of it is because I suddenly don’t really want a spanking when I know one is coming, I also do sometimes feel like requesting a spanking leaves me too much in control. Yet, TB’s wife says him doing so gives her a new sense of power and control. He explained further:
The only behaviors that she is interested in punishing me for are disrespect, moodiness, etc - so behaviors that impact her directly. She is therefore aware of anything that I 'own up' to already (and would usually take action to address either as a specific or as a general 'reset'). She does see that my recognizing & admitting to the behavior before she takes action is another level of submission & self-awareness. In fact, although we have only been using this approach for a number of weeks, if I don't 'own up' to some failing that was obvious to both of us, she will take extra spanking time to highlight that particular issue. A virtuous circle of sorts in that I am encouraged to document my own failings even though I am aware of the consequences, because if I don't there is a very good chance that the next spanking session will be increased to cover the omission.
She is a big fan of the new approach and she enjoys matching my journal view of my behavior with her own recollections. She also feels that it takes some of the pressure off her in deciding if/when a spanking is due. It helps me in that I dislike the delay & uncertainty between offense & punishment - if punishment is due then I am always keen to get it over and done with. My behavior has definitely been better for the past few weeks, mainly because I now feel that if I misbehave I have to submit a 'confession'.
As I said, in theory tattling on myself does leave me in control. Yet, what TB says resonates with me. The plain fact is, one reason I don’t ask for a spanking even when I know I deserve or “need” one is because doing so ramps up the feeling of vulnerability. At the time, it certainly doesn't leave me feeling like I'm in control. And, I can see his wife’s point about how it takes some of the pressure off her to decide whether a spanking is due.
How do the wives feel about this? Is the husband’s confession and/or asking for a deserved spanking empowering to you? In your mind, does it show an increased level of acceptance of your authority over him? Does it take away some of the decision-making pressure? Or, does it leave him with too much control over the whole process?
That’s all I have for this week. Have a fun and safe Halloween!
