Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship. Our first real post-holiday meeting of 2016.
Our edition on resolutions was about as big a flop this year as in years past. Myself and a few other people into the concept. Many others who reject it categorically. Looking back over the last week -- I may have to concede the detractors are right. Pretty much every single one of my non-DD resolutions already lie in tatters on the floor. Low-carb diet? Blew right through that one in a flurry of burgers and fries last night, and the rest of the week wasn't all that much better. No more than two drinks at a sitting? There was not a single night this week in which I had less than two drinks! (Ever notice how those drinking and dietary goals seem to rise and fall together?) Unfortunately, this is what tends to happen to me around holidays and when work slows down. The focus goes from getting the work done to working relationships to keep the pipeline of projects flowing. And somehow those relationships always seem to involve, "Want to grab a beer or two this week?" Oh well. We stumble. We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. Forward.
One of the resolutions I raised and do still hope to fulfill is doing a self-directed "DD Boot Camp." This is a relatively new concept for me. I had never heard of it until a few weeks ago, when I was visiting a DD on-line forum. Most of the participants are in a M/f dynamic but have been quite welcoming to those of us in F/m dynamics. Several of the participants were talking about the intensity of their "boot camp" experiences, and I inquired about what exactly a "boot camp" is, knowing that if it was any kind of group activity, it would be a non-starter for my wife. As it turns out, it is not a group session of any sort. Instead, it is a structured one or two day self-directed program designed to be an introduction, or intensification, of the domestic discipline relationship.
One of the participants was kind enough send me a "book" on the subject. It was really more like a long .pdf pamphlet, which you can find in a couple of places. There is a link available on the author's blog, Learning Domestic Discipline: http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/11/boot-camp-book-now-available.html. It also seems to be available as an e-book on Amazon. If you decide to take a look, two words of warning. First, it is one of those "five pages of helpful information crammed into a 50-page book" kind of things. But, it is a quick read for that same reason. Second, it is very much written from the "Christian Domestic Discipline" perspective, with a M/f orientation. I personally don't have much problem ignoring the religious overtones and switching up the gender orientation in my head, but if you aren't able to do that easily, it will not be your cup of tea.
The program itself is pretty simple, reflecting its "DD for beginners" orientation. It needs to be done in private, which means finding a place to be alone together for a full day or two. There are a series of structured "homework" exercises and couple discussions, basically designed to get both parties on the same page about what they do and do not want from a DD relationship, what their "hard limits" may be, etc. There also are a series (three per day) of spankings, of escalating intensity. They are designed to help get both parties, but particularly the disciplinarian, past the mental and emotional blocks involved in "hurting" the other party and exercising and submitting to authority. During the time the couple is in this "retreat" kind of environment, there is some emphasis in staying in character with one of them being clearly dominant and making all the decisions and the other staying in their submissive role throughout. That is, by the way, the third caveat: This approach is more of a Dominance/submission dynamic than a very limited DD "punishment for specific misbehavior" approach.
That's the gist. I do feel like for us, something like this would be worth doing.
Have others done anything like a Boot Camp? Any desire to?
I hope you have a great week.
Dan
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the topic. It sounds like boot camp is a sort of "total immersion" experience, good for newbies and maybe particularly for folks needing to jump start an established DD relationship that has fallen off the rails for one reason or another ( and that must happen to almost everyone at some point)I know the Catholic Church and probably other denominations used to offer " retreats" where a married couple went away for a few days to reflect on and work out any snags in their relationship. Doubt much spanking went on at retreats but as I think about it, a well timed spanking would probably fit into the retreat model pretty well. For us I don't think boot camp fits where we are now but I will bring it up to my wife during our next behavior review. She might surprise me
Alan
Hi Alan. I agree the boot camp probably works best for newbies. Though, while we aren't newbies to DD, we kind of are to a relationship where she calls more of the shots and is more in command all the time. For that reason, I think we still might get something out of it, particularly if having to "stay in character" for hours on end might help her reach more of a comfort zone with that.
ReplyDeleteDan
The boot camp concept to me is highly seductive, but I am afraid I believe that my actual opinion is that it looks "too good to be true". In the F/M dynamic in particular, I think many of our disciplinarians take a long time to build up to the comfort of the process. The idea that this could be done in a submersive program would be great, I would participate, but I don't see my wife participating. Even if she did, it would be for me, and about me. That's the wrong dynamic for our purpose, as the discipline while for me, is about her. I wish I could believe this could work, but honestly I am extremely skeptical of the practically for most F/M couples.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous. I agree that in the normal course of things, it takes a long time for most disciplinarians to get comfortable with the process. What I hope to find out is whether the "total immersion" of a boot camp would allow them to get more comfortable with it more quickly. Only giving it a try will really tell, but the general principle does make sense to me. It must be hard for disciplinarians to turn it on and off. With the boot camp, at least for a couple of days the goal is to be always on. I would think that has to help reinforce the roles to some extent.
DeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteI have always wanted to do a boot camp! When I first started researching FLM/FLR, D/s, spankings, etc., I became quite familiar with the lovely people at Learning Domestic Discipline. It was not-at-all a place to go for titillation. They stayed very focused on non-sexual aspects of D/d, all the while acknowledging that certainly there was a sexual component involved in it.
After thinking more about it, I believe now that a boot camp might serve an "experienced" couple just as much, if not more than a couple starting out. I consider Mistress K. and I to be an experienced FLM couple, yet I know that we both could benefit of a boot camp like this. Even today, Mistress K. will yield to her concern of hurting me too much, even when a significant punishment is necessary!
Hi SubHub. I agree it could have application for experienced couples, though I also can agree with the skepticism voiced by some commenters. For me, the proof is in the pudding. For my wife, the issue isn't so much concern about hurting me. It is really leading and directing. I am hopeful that a whole weekend of living in that "commander" role would have some benefit.
DeleteHi Dan,
ReplyDeleteThe LearningDD site has sadly been taken down. The Amazon link to thier DD Boot Camp Book is: http://amzn.to/1RvqKW2. They originally wrote the boot camp book for couples who had been doing DD for a while to help ingrain each partner's respective role and help those whose DD wasn't where they wanted it to be. A bunch of new folks showed interested in starting their DD relationship with a boot camp so they wrote the Beginner Boot Camp book which is specifically to help new folks learn their respective roles and is a little easier on the spanking end.
Dave (my HoH) and I have not done a bootcamp but we've read over the two books and really like the couples homework exercises. Good luck Dan!
Hi Liz! Thanks for dropping by. I wonder if the LearningDD site isn't accessible from wherever you are, or whether there is a successor site? I can still get to a blog with that title at http://learningdd.blogspot.com.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the history on the boot camp books. I agree the homework exercises look promising, though we haven't done them together yet. Hopefully, the boot camp won't just become another unfulfilled resolution on my part. If not, I'll let you and Dave know how it goes. Talk soon!
Dan
Thank you for posting this Dan. We did a bootcamp, and it was surprisingly helpful and positive for me. There were a number of spankings involved which I was not very happy about, but overall, it was positive. Ive done some independent research on the internet since then, and I have to admit, I am glad we didnt do it as extreme as some people claim! I would be terrified if we did! There were some that were doubtful of the legitimacy of someone who would claim to have done bootcamp on the other thread, so Ill just leave it at that. Im pretty shy about the specifics anyway. But if anyone wants to know a little about how we did it, feel free to email me.
ReplyDeleteHi Averageguy. I'm glad to hear you did one and it was a positive experience.
DeleteDan
The closest thing to a "bootcamp" experience for me is when we visit my sister-in-law at her country home in Burgundy during the Summer. For the "duration" (7 to 10 days, usually), I get an early morning dose of the martinet - from both of them - then have to perform whatever chores they assign me (such as cleaning the toilet, splitting logs for the hearth, etc.) with the perspective of getting the martinet, the strap, the cane or the riding crop if I fail to meet their expectations. (Outdoors sessions with a switch are also an option!)
ReplyDeleteAll in all, some "excellent" ways for the two of them to keep me in line... -:)
L.
It certainly sounds like it.
DeleteI believe we did 2. Each was used as a 'reset' and involved extended levels of service and frequent punishment. Also, regardless of behavior, there was a daily or twice daily spanking. Bad behavior just meant more. Since I 'can' 'like' a spanking, these were intended to break down any appeal and leave me dreading the next session.........and after a couple of days, that's right where I was. I became genuinely motivated to avoid any trouble, knowing the slightest snark could result in a very unpleasant consequence.
ReplyDeleteIt also became a good technique to encourage compliance. It's one thing to cooperate when you know you're guilty and almost want the punishment as much as your leader, but to go over a lap willingly when it's the LAST thing you want, is very good for training submission.
Rosa was utterly comfortable with each boot camp. She had no problem delivering one hard spanking after another and liked the results. She seemed to marvel at how compliant I became.
I am pretty sure we will probably do another boot camp to re-launch our currently 'on-hold' DD. (I still am submissive to her, and I still follow the rules as best as I can......and my orgasms are still strictly regulated. It's just the punishment part we've sort of mutually agreed to suspend for a bit.) Recent information indicates a hopeful resolution to my current stress-issue in about another two weeks or so. (Hopefully)
Great to hear that things may be getting better soon. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
DeleteThe part about breaking me down and getting me to dread the next session is scary. And appealing, gulp! sara
DeleteHi Sara. I agree, the dread is part of the attraction. I had an overwhelming sense of that dread the first time I received a DD spanking and was not sure what it would be like.
DeleteDan,
ReplyDeleteThis relates not directly to boot camp but one of the underlying themes of boot camp seem to be increased strictness and repeat spankings over short periods. I know some of the worst spankings I have ever received have been double spankings where I have been spanked for two different behavior issues separated only by corner time between the first and second. Almost as bad are spankings within a day or two of the first one. These are both rare for me. I think it has been several years since I was spanked twice in the same week. I am very motivated for several days after a spanking, something my wife is very aware of. This is probably something boot camp accomplishes also.
Alan
Hi Alan. As I understand it, the purposes of the multiple spankings is two-fold. First, by having to give several of them (the guide I saw recommended three per day, with intensity varying from medium to severe), the wife gets more comfortable with giving them. Second, because some of them are intended to be very hard, it is supposed to help her get over any reluctance about hurting him "too much." I guess there is also a third purpose: deepening his submission because, as you say, taking multiple spankings over short periods is very hard to do.
DeleteYour observation also suggests a good topic for next week. Thanks!
Excellent point!!
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteAnna & I have a type of Boot Camp from time to time. They usually occur when I have showed a steady
disregard for things we have agreed would stop. Anna will suggest we choose a weekend for the two of us
to spend a minimum of 48 hours away from home. For example the last time we borrowed her brother's
apartment while he was away on vacation. From the time we entered the apartment on friday after work
Anna was in charge. We began with some corner time and then a spanking bare bottomed and then back to the corner. Later at dinner, the dinner i prepared we discussed the problems and then a second session of over the knee.
Saturday was Anna's choice. We began the day with spanking then for example we went shopping and I sat quietly as she tried on clothing. Later at lunch we then went to a film then back home where after a bit of warming my buns, I orally serviced her before taking her to dinner at her favorite restaurant. That nite
we did have lovely evening in bed. Sunday breakfast in bed as well as time talking. Answering any question she asked. If she felt the answer was an evasion a few swats with a cane brought me around to the right attitude. It was during this session on Sunday she took charge and the final spanking reduced me to tears( first time ) and we went to bed.
Like most men i need those reminders from time to time. I do notice Anna taking charge in a way that works for us both. I feel any couple needs to freeform how a boot camp weekend can work for them.
peter
We never called it boot camp but regular monthly tune ups of a naughty husband is something we have done for years Tim and I work in our own business and there are times outside our monthly “ meeting” when he requires an attitude adjustment. After business hours, the doors are locked, I sit at my desk, Tim stands beside me, and I lecture him usually about meeting my work standards or showing temper. He is then required to bring me the cane which I use exclusively for work related punishment. He must, apologize for his behavior, and ask me to punish him. Usually he is bent over a chair, with bare bottom pushed out or stands against a wall, bare bottom pushed out .These on the spot sessions take about 30 minutes including his corner-time. Each stroke is hard (fifty minimum and more if he shows any defiance) He is usually balling after a dozen or so. Monthly or as close as possible we arrange to have the house to ourselves for a weekend, or go out of town to a hotel. Tim knows that it is spanking day and he knows what is in store. For these prolonged sessions I use a ritual which is a kind of boot camp. When I am ready, I have Tim come to me underpants in hand as I begin my lecture. The lecture is never the same but it goes something like this. "You know Tim, in the last month I have had to spank you three times. After these spankings, you are very well mannered, so it seems to me that you could benefit from a day devoted to your correction. You are an adult male, but there is a little boy in you that needs to be spanked. Go to the bathroom and bring me my hairbrush." Tim brings the hairbrush, hands me his underpants and I lay him across my lap bare bottom and ready to do penance. I proceed with the brush, making sure that each cheek is crimson red. I use moderate strokes, but lots of them and lots of scolding. The hairbrush lasts as long as my arm can endure.
DeleteTim may or may not be brought to tears by the hairbrush, but the day has only started. He will thank me for the use of the hairbrush. We then will likely have lunch, after which I may read or watch television. Tim, meanwhile is required to bring out the cane and the leather belt I like so much. When I am ready, Tim is required to lay on the bed with a pillow under his stomach. I again bare his bottom and I use the belt. I deliver strokes from midway between his knees to the top of his buns. Tim will beg me to stop, cry, and plead for mercy. I only stop when I need to rest. When I am done his bottom is marked with belt lines that look like tire marks. Tim is always in tears by now. If I think he needs extra I use the cane after the belt. When I am done he will apologize to me, thank me for the whipping and then we adjourn for our evening meal
There is never any sex the day of a spanking something I have insisted on from the beginning. Depending on how he cooperates with me he can and has earned long periods in chastity in addition to his spankings. We are now at the point where Tim would give up the monthly sessions if he could and that’s exactly why we never will.
Patricia
Hi Peter. Great to hear from you. I hope you and Anna and the kids had a good holiday. Your getaways certainly sound like a boot camp, and it sounds like something that would do me good if my wife would replicate it. Periodic enforced humbling would probably do me good.
DeleteHi Patricia. Wow -- if you are doing them monthly, I understand why Tim might want to give them up! I must say though, while he may not enjoy it, I envy the fact that you are in charge at work and deal with workplace misbehavior. A lot of things I do that really get in my own way happen at work. Temper, insubordination, etc. And the consequences of those things may really be more significant for us in the long-run than something like her getting irritated that I came home an hour later after a happy hour or something. It would be helpful in a lot of ways to have someone actively monitoring and chastising the workplace behavior.
DeleteThanks for commenting. Have a great weekend.
Dan
Just a quick comment with regard to my own improved workplace behavior. I work at home and after a good discussion my wife decided to get much more involved in monitoring and following up on my work efficiency.
DeleteShe now reviews an actual time sheet weekly and can, for the first time see exactly how I use my time.
That's great. See this week's topic on this very issue
DeleteI am going to take the minority opinion on this subject. I think the disciplinary arrangement between husband and wife has to be initiated by one, and agreed upon by the other. In a DD arrangement, the objective is pretty clear cut, to wit, improve bad behavior. The issue, how do you do that? The initiator recognizes he needs discipline to correct behavior he wants to correct. For most of us that means getting spanked/whipped by his wife. The wife, to accept the role as disciplinarian (which involves a lot of work, including a workout spanking her husbands backside), needs to see a benefit for this effort. The benefit in most cases is a husband who improves and makes her life more pleasant and more appreciated. It may also include sexual favors as an added benefit. Whatever agreement that can work for both parties to make it worth the wife's effort.
ReplyDeleteThe next step is doing your homework to find out what works to benefit both parties. The internet is very helpful. The DWC is the most instructive site I've seen, but there are many good supplements. Then communications between the couple is necessary before implementation. Those of us in DD arrangements know bad behaviors must be identified for improvement, thereafter bad behavior must be punished consistently when there are failures, and that punishment must be severe enough (no pain, no gain)to create positive change, and the pain from the punishment should be substantial enough for the husband to want to avoid his misbehaviors going forward. The husband lets his wife know he will accept harsh punishments knowing that is what is needed for him to make progress and knowing it wont kill him. That the buttocks is built to take punishment. The husband should probably encourage his wife to error on the high side (in terms of punishment). From that point on, it involves trial, error, and communications that are specific to the couple (and not what someone else thinks). Following that format, the wife will quickly learn what works and what doesn't and boot camps are unnecessary. If the husband
's behavior improves, the wife knows her punishments are working. If he doesn't improve, she upgrades the punishment meted out until he does.
My wife and I didn't need to follow boot camp steps created by someone else to implement a very effective DD arrangement suitable for us and our needs. My biggest concern now is my fear that I will be able to take the punishment my wife has decided to dish out. That fear keeps me in line, thereafter, for a long time, with very few exceptions.
Boot Camp/DWC Intimacy Retreat sounds like a marvelous idea. I have been around the F/m scene for a long time and have never heard of it before.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that the best thing to do would be make in personalized; each couple planning what would be the best approach for them.
The closest experiences I have had to a boot camp, and surely not the same, were weekend gatherings with other DWC couples. And I only mention it because after one of those weekends the disciplinary lifestyle at home was energized for a sustained period of time.
After reading about the Boot Camp concept I told my wife about it and we had a couple of good discussions about it. I am very happy to report that we have indeed embraced the idea and things are already changing around here; for the better.
ReplyDeleteShe decided that rather than do an "extreme" 2 weeks, that I simply had to take a lot more responsibility for making it easier for her to fulfill the DWC wife role.
I had always resisted providing her with lists of my transgressions (even thought that's what she wanted). I always felt it was her job to keep track of them and it would be too "unnatural" for me to do it.
But now that is changed. She has developed a kind of time sheet for tracking how well I do or do not complete my weekly objectives. Since I work at home, this is actually a very good thing. I have to keep accurate track of how much time I spend on the priorities she has set and give it to her each week (on Sunday night)
Also on that report I have to put any incidents that she has called out during the week that should be addressed, (one from this week I am NOT looking forward to was an item of me being impatient and not exactly polite. I have no good excuse either)
So the Bootcamp discussion on this forum is making a difference around here.
Good to hear it.
Delete