The Forum - Vol. 119 - Resolutions

Another year come and gone.  2014 was not a great one for me.  Work was stagnant, and so was a lot of the rest of my life.  I really was not very sorry to see it in the rearview mirror.  2015?  Totally different story.  It was a roller-coaster from virtually day one, but in a good way.  Good in terms of the way I like to live, anyway.  Fast paced.  Downright frenetic.  Stretching.  Growing.  Getting out of my comfort zone, way out over my skis. Then, somehow pulling it off before disaster strikes.  Better yet, I was aware that it was a big year, as I was in it.  That is not always the case.  I had a similar year (though on a smaller scale) some time back, and I really didn't recognize how special it was until I looked back in late December and listed all the positive movement.  We often live these disconnected existences, looking back at the past with longing, or blaming things in the past for our current state.  Or, we long for a future different from what we have, putting all our energy into imagining some ideal future state in which enough of our problems will have gone away that we will finally give ourselves permission to be happy.  Or, just to be content.  It is rare that we have a year of living in the midst of the storm, while being fully aware that is is a storm, but that the storm, with all its lightning and thunder and battering winds, is exciting and even fun.   I can't say that I was FULLY aware and engaged at all times in 2015, but I was there for a lot of it.  So, unlike 2014, I bid 2015 a fond farewell, with a bit of regret at seeing it pass. 

As longer-term readers know, I like resolutions.  I like setting goals. I know I won't always hit them, but it's amazing what you can accomplish over time if you are able to improve incrementally day by day, week by week, year by year. On the other hand, I admit to being a little depressed when I look back at old blog and journal entries and realize that I seem to wrestle with some of the same challenges year after year.  Last year, I posted a list of some of my resolutions for 2015.  Here is how I did: 

General Resolutions

 I hereby resolve to:

• have fewer Saturdays spent regretting my Friday work-related socializing [FAILED]
• earn to better control my temper at work [FAILED]
• nurture those important relationships, both work and personal, that sometimes don't get the time or attention they deserve [SLIGHTLY BETTER]
• Exit 2015 in better physical shape than I entered into it, as measured by pant size, blood pressure, strength and endurance [MIXED.  Strength and endurance up, but so was my weight, though pant-size stayed the same]

Domestic Discipline Resolutions

I hereby resolve to:

• self-report any infractions at least weekly [FAILED]
• empower my wife to grow in her disciplinary authority, including by showing more outward signs of submission to her control [FAIR]
• during spankings, instead of "taking it like a man," try hard to let go all ego and control, surrendering totally to her authority [FAIR]

What I find fascinating when I look back at these is, I failed or only marginally improved in goal after goal, yet, as a whole, 2015 turned out to be a great year.  This demonstrates the necessity of keeping an open mind and enjoying what you get, even if it is not what you thought you wanted.  You can have a really great year even if it goes in a totally different direction than you intended.

The other interesting aspect to my resolutions where DD was concerned is that I failed at so many of the specific goals I set, yet the year as a whole was probably the most transformative we have had since starting domestic discipline a decade ago.  While far, far from where we want it to be, her authority and willingness to exercise it grew by leaps and bounds.   My ability to really submit grew, though it was an internal fight every step of the way.

So, where do we go for 2016?  Here are some thoughts.  Although given how 2015 turned out, I know these are, at best, kind of like looking at a map to lay out a route for traveling from one coast to another.  On a journey of that length, there are going to be detours.  Road closures.  Unexpected diversions.  Long-anticipated sight-seeing that leaves you flat and thinking, "Well, I drove 500 miles to see that?"  But, also, wondrous sights and sounds and tastes that you never knew were out there but were waiting right around the next bend.  With that all in mind, I'm keeping these a little more "thematic" this year, letting the details work themselves out, though I am putting in a couple of specific, concrete ones related to Domestic Discipline.  I'm also mixing up goals related to DD with  others that are more generally applicable to things I need to do to advance the ball over 2015.

RESOLUTIONS: 2016

• Empower my wife as HoH.  This is a little different than the goal for 2015, because it focuses on enabling her overall authority, not just her disciplinary authority.
• Do a one or two-day self-directed domestic discipline "boot camp" in which we spend those days alone, without distractions, with her fully and consistently leading and me following.
• Let loose and really cry during a spanking.
• Where information and content is concerned, produce more than I consume.  For all the time I put into this blog, I spend 10x mindlessly reading other blogs, reading the news, reading books, etc.  That's all well and good and keeps me well-informed, but to what end?  99% of the information I consume has no impact at all on my life.  Unfortunately, some variation on this one has appeared on many of my resolution lists, and I never quite pull it off.  
• Apply whatever growth I achieve in being more submissive and accepting at home to the workplace, blowing my top less and being more accepting of those things I don't agree with and can't immediately change. Many months ago, one of our posters who was, as I recall, in a sales position, recounted his workplace arc, where he started out as a top performer, but hit a ceiling because of the way he drove and mistreated the people around him.  His boss became his disciplinarian (I think, if I am recalling this right).  He learned to get his temper and ego under control, and his earnings soared.  That is what I want to achieve at work this year. Though, this one is, again, something that has been on  my list more than once and never really been fulfilled.

So, those are some of my resolutions for 2016.  Care to share yours?  I ask that question, knowing that every year I have broached this topic, and every year it has flopped.  But, as indicated by my own attempts at putting my personal resolutions together year after year, hope springs eternal!

Have a great week, and an awesome, consequential, meaningful 2016!

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 118 - Rules

Hi all.  Sorry for the late start today.  I would love to attribute it to Christmas travel or something of that sort.  Or, just forgetfulness.  In an even worse display of a "senior moment," I sort of lost track of the day of the week.  Apparently, not working much throws off my entire sense of time, because I somehow got it into my head that today was Friday.  I didn't realize my error until I logged on to check for comments, and saw that Hermione had updated her weekly brunch, which happens on Saturdays.   Well, now I am thoroughly bummed knowing I have one less weekend day ahead of me than I thought!

Not having thought of any topics myself, I am going to take Fred's timely suggestion that we talk about rules.  Many of us in disciplinary relationships maintain some list of bad behaviors that are likely to earn a session with her (or his) paddle.  When we first began this DD journey, we tried to build in some formality, with a list of prohibited behaviors, which was accompanied by a presumptive minimum number of swats for each offense.  Over the years, some of the formality has dropped away.  Though, I'm not sure the number of rules, officially recognized or otherwise, has dropped much. In fact, this last year arguably included an increase, as she had never before punished me for things like not doing the dishes.

In Fred's comment, he included the following list of rules/infractions:

Must control temper(very serious if wife is recipient).
Demean or criticize wife (on golf course or in public -very serious)
Must be considerate.
Must be nice to wife's friends (including some I don't like)
Must not dominate conversations when with others
Must limit alcohol to two drinks when out.
Must not drive after drinking more than two drinks.
Must treat wife and other respectfully.
Must go to the gym at least twice each week.
Must not start smoking again.
Must not interrupt wife while talking on telephone.
Must do specific chores around the house.
Must listen to wife when she wants to talk to me.
Must not treat wife like a secretary.
Must not drive unsafely or too fast when with wife, family or friends.
Must never be critical of own children when with others.
Must not be overly negative or grumpy especially if it affects wife or others.
Behavioral indiscretions that I should know better than engage in.

Our list would be pretty similar, though perhaps a little more vague.  Things that will usually earn me a paddling include:

--  Too much alcohol (more than 2 or 3 drinks)
--  Showing her disrespect
--  Not doing various chores around the house.
--  Doing or saying something inconsiderate that hurts her or the kids' feelings

We talk about things like not working out regularly, and work-related behavior like losing my temper or getting into a quarrel with someone I shouldn't, as qualifying for a spanking.  In reality, however, those things never really seem to result in punishment independently, i.e. they are punished only as one more item on a list that includes something that has an immediate impact on her.

How about you? What rules govern your disciplinary relationship?  What are the big "no-no's" that land you on the Naughty List?

I hope you all had a great Christmas!  Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Dan

Merry Christmas

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year..  I hope you all get what you need for Christmas, regardless of whether it is what you want.

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 117 -- Labels

Hi all. Welcome to this week's edition of the Disciplined Husband's Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or curious about a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you all had a great week.  I can really feel 2015 winding down.  It has been one of the busiest, if not THE busiest year I have had in my adult life.  It has been a roller-coaster start to finish and, for the most part, that is really good.  But, in all honesty, I am not unhappy to feel the pace slow a little as the holidays come upon us.  I hope you all also have had a great year, and one of the highlights of mine has been the weekly conversations with you all.

In addition to the frenetic pace, 2015 was a year of transformation, both personally and in terms of my DD relationship.  As I have talked about a bit in past posts, we have been practicing DD for close to a decade, but the overall dynamic really didn't change much over that time.  Corporal punishment was used for offenses, but that was really the extent of the exchange of power and authority.  That changed this year, and it was really the result of this growing little community.  My interaction with commenters and bloggers who were in Female Led Relationships involving a more substantial transfer of authority got me interested in going down that path, and while we are not very far along it yet, there has been progress.

With this change in the underlying nature of our relationship and, to some extent, the focus of this blog, has come more interactions with people who are in more classical Dominance and submission relationships.  While what they are doing is similar to what we have always talked about on this blog, the vocabulary is a little different.  When describing the roles in DD, I have tended to use labels like Disciplinary Wives and Disciplined Husbands, and I still feel like the latter is a good descriptor for what I am.  But, I am increasingly engaging with people who use more D/s style labels.  Dominants.  Submissives.  Tops.  Bottoms.  TIHs.  Many of the "subordinate" parties, for lack of a better word, have adopted the label Submissive.  I'm not there yet, and part of me really rebels at that label, even though it is increasingly where I have chosen to try to take the relationship.

All this is very long-winded way of asking, what terms or labels do you use to describe your role?  Are you a Dom, a submissive, a Leader, a Disciplinary Wife or Disciplined Husband?  Also, do you have a name or title you use with your significant other?  Ma'am, Mistress -- something like that?

I hope you all have a very, very happy holiday!

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 116

Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are practicing or interested in domestic discipline or Female Led Relationships. 

It's good to be back.  Sorry for missing last week.  Things were a little hectic. They still are, but bad habits are often acquired through small lapses, so I know I can't let missing or delaying postings become a habit.  And, I would miss all of you.

I will begin this post with a confession of sorts.  We have been in a real lull where discipline is concerned.  It has been at least two months since my bottom was last warmed, and I wish I could represent that it was because my behavior has been pristine.  Hardly.  It has just been a crazy busy time for both of us.  One big impediment has been holiday parties and other social gatherings.  Seems like we have had a social engagement virtually every Saturday for weeks, and most of our discipline happens on the weekends.  With such socializing comes over-indulging (always an issue for me and the number one reason I get punished), so at exactly the moment I most need to be reined in, it is the least likely to happen.

So, this week's topic is those lulls or pauses in the disciplinary relationship.  Have you gone through one?  Did the issue eventually fix itself, or did you change something to get the process back on course?

One option I was mulling today.  We have always waited for the bad behavior to occur, then she would order a spanking to address it.  I was considering suggesting that we instead simply presume that I will be spanked on a pre-set day each week, and the only way it will not happen is if I have been well-behaved.  It would really turn our current system on its head, because I would really need to earn my way out of each weekly spanking.  Any thoughts on whether that would be a good thing to explore?

Have a great week!

Dan

The Forum -- The Floor is Open

Hi all.  Sorry for the short--or, more accurately, belated--notice on this, but I had something come up this weekend that deprived me of the chance to come up with what I'm sure would have been a mindblowingly novel and profound weekly topic.  Unfortunately, the entire weekend is going to be a mess.  So, for this week I pass the baton to you all.  If you have anything you would like to talk about, have at it.  I will respond if and when I can. Otherwise, I look forward to chatting with you again next week.

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 115 -- Trust, but Verify

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering for those practicing or interested in in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.

For those of you in the U.S., I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  These long weekends are somehow never quite long enough, are they?

Last week, we dealt with the topic of "asking for it."  While many couples have apparently built asking for a spanking or punishment into their relationships, others have not.   There seemed to be two reasons offered by the "no asking" crowd.  First, some believe that asking for or suggesting punishment undermines her authority.  Second, a somewhat surprisingly large number didn't ask for a very simple reason -- they didn't want to get spanked!  For this group, spanking clearly is punishment and not something they have any desire to seek out. 

This reminds me a little of when I was growing up, in a part of the country where corporal punishment was the norm in schools.  For many of us, the rule handed down by our parents was, "If you get a spanking at school, you can expect to get it even worse when you get home."  That kind of duplicative  retribution placed a big emphasis, of course, on trying to hide the evidence of the original crime and its school-based consequences.  The school would send the student home with a note, which often mysteriously vanished on the way.  Yet, somehow, it was rare that the parents didn't find out through some alternative route.

They say confession is good for the soul, yet it is clear from last week's discussion that a significant number of our readers are not going to voluntarily own up to bad behavior.  I have certainly been guilty of this myself, on many occasions.  So, this week's topic is, what mechanisms have our disciplinary couples put in place to monitor bad behavior?  Self-reporting has its limits, but have you taken steps to formalize it in some way to root out evidence of the offense?  What else do you do beyond self-reporting?  Monitor credit cards?  Check emails and text messages?  Use apps like "Find my Friends" to check up on where the disciplined party is hanging out?  Cultivate relationships with friends or co-workers who will tattle?  Finally, what happens if the Disciplinarian finds out about a lack of full disclosure?

Have a great weekend! 

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 114 -- Asking For It

Hi all, and welcome back to the Forum, our weekly gathering of men and, increasingly, women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships. Thanks again to all our Lurkers who stepped up to the virtual microphone last week.  I hope at least a few of you will stick around as regular contributors.

"You're really asking for it!"  A phrase used in frustration by  moms, Disciplinary Wives, and frustrated partners, probably the world over.  But what about literally "asking for it?"  When, if ever, should the disciplined spouse speak up when they've been bad and need to be punished, or when they feel out of control and need tighter boundaries imposed?  There are a lot of different views on this.  Some have expressly agreed that the disciplined spouse can "ask for it" when they feel a punishment has been earned or they need to offer up that act of penance, or when they just feel the need for it.  Others see it as "topping from below."  Others not only allow it, but require it as part of the spanking ritual.


I know many on this forum go in adifferent direction on this, and it is an issue I can see from both sides.  I've never quite bought the whole "topping from below" concept as applicable in a DD context, as opposed to Femdom and BDSM.  I just see it as very problematic if taken so far that one spouse can't express their needs.  I also suspect that many "tops" dramatically over-estimate their own ability to read and fully understand the other parties' wants and needs and then make unilaterally good decisions on whether and how to meet those needs.  But, there are lots of variations and degrees of control in these relationships, and my wife expressed one of them.

So, what role, if any, does "asking for it" play in your relationship?  I do realize, by the way, that we have done this one before, but it has been awhile.

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 113 -- Reader Poll, Love our Lurkers Cont., and a Reader Question

Hi all, and welcome back to the Forum, our weekly gathering of men and, increasingly, women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.  Welcome to you all, and particularly our Lurkers.  While the Love Our Lurkers event officially ended yesterday, I would like to keep it running on this blog at least through the weekend, as I know some people are too busy to stop by during the week.  So, to all our Lurkers, this is a continuing invitation to jump into the conversation.

We had another poll close, and I will say in advance that I am going to keep a heavy thumb on the "Moderator" button for this one, because politics by its very nature tends to divide more than unite. But, in my ongoing attempt to ferret out who this little (or not so little -- hard to say) community of ours is comprised of, and given that I am kind of a political junkie myself and it is debate season, I did want to see what we could learn about where our readers lean politically.  Participation on this one was low -- only 60 votes, which may itself indicate that this was a sensitive topic.  The results were:

Democrat	15 (25%)
Republican	20 (33%)
Independent	16 (26%)
Other	4 (6%)
None	5 (8%)

With participation this low, it's hard to say anything very meaningful, other than that these do not mirror the population as a whole. According to Gallup: "An average 43% of Americans identified politically as independents in 2014, establishing a new high in Gallup telephone poll trends back to 1988. In terms of national identification with the two major parties, Democrats continued to hold a modest edge over Republicans, 30% to 26%."  Among those of our readers who participated,  Independents and Democrats are virtually tied, while Republicans held a lead of 4-5 points.  While it might be tempting to look at these results and conclude that Republicans are more interested in DD and FLR than Democrats and Independents, keep in mind that one of our previous polls showed that this blog's readership tilts heavily toward the over-50 age demographic, and Republicans outnumber Democrats in that age group by a significant margin.   Our age-related poll also showed that very few of our readers are in their 20s and early 30s, while people in that age cohort tilt very heavily Independent or unaffiliated.  Therefore, those age-related demographic aspects of our particular readership could alone could account for a lot of the split we see in this poll.With that little bit of demographic insight, or lack thereof, addressed, on to our actual topic.

The inspiration for this week's topic comes from the combination of a reader inquiry that came to me by email, and a conversation I had (again by email), with another reader.  They raised separate issues, but the more I thought about it, there was a common theme that seemed worth discussing. The initial reader inquiry (I am not revealing his name, because he has not given me express permission to do so) was centered on what to do when the disciplinarian feels they themselves need discipline or atonement?  It's a hard set of options in some ways.  The couple could try "switching."  There are, for example, versions of  the Spencer Spanking Plan that encourage mutual disciplinary spankings.  However, for the reader who contacted me, it wouldn't work, because it would undermine the F/m authority they want to keep in place.  He also just wouldn't feel comfortable spanking a woman.  (I share that issue, by the way.  I have no problem at all with those who switch or with the those in consensual M/f spanking relationships, and I welcome them to come and participate in our more F/m oriented group.  But, I personally couldn't give a disciplinary spanking to any woman.)  Another option might be a professional disciplinarian, or even a fellow non-professional disciplinarian who could lend a helping hand, so to speak.  But, how do you deal with finding the right one, assuring that they are safe and sane, etc.?

The related question that came to my mind is, do many of our Disciplinary Wives, in fact, ever have the desire to be disciplined themselves? I also wondered whether this also reflects another kind of natural division among those who adopt this lifestyle -- some react to stress and being out of control by wanting to exercise more leadership and more control, while others react to those same forces by wanting to stop controlling everything and by handing the reins over to someone else.  I definitely fit in the latter camp.  The whole reason I found DD attractive was it gave me a way to step back from the control I have to exercise in the rest of my life.

So, I know this topic is a little nebulous, but any advice for our fellow reader who would like to meet his wife's infrequent but real need for some atonement?  And, what is your own reaction to feeling out of control or stressed?  Do you want to exercise more control, or give it up to someone else?

Have a great week.

Dan

Love Our Lurkers

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The Forum -- Volume 112 -- Concrete Steps

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum -- our weekly gathering of men and women engaged or interested in F/m domestic discipline and female led relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

I've been thinking a lot about leadership lately, in terms of both our DD relationship and things at work.  Obviously, some people assume leadership roles more readily than others.  Some people aspire to be leaders.  Some actively resist it.  Dominance is maybe leadership on steroids.  It seems clear that people have different inclinations toward being leaders or followers, and also varying capacities to play those roles.

It's always an over-simplification to try to divide people or relationships up into two general types, but I do feel like there are two broad categories of DD relationships. First, those where one, and hopefully both parties, are acting in the role that fits their natural inclinations.  The naturally dominant person is in charge, and more subservient party is the follower.  In the second camp are those like Angela and I, where one or both parties are taking on a role that cuts against the grain of his or her base nature.  Outside our DD relationship, I am by far the more aggressive, type-A, Alpha spouse.  We chose the path of DD precisely because it helps us grow and mature and balance, by taking on the opposite role.

I'm glad that we did it and that it is growing deeper.  But, it is undeniably hard sometimes.  It's hard for someone whose core nature involves a need to rebel to submit to someone's authority.  Likewise, it is hard (maybe harder) for someone who is not entirely comfortable leading to project authority, make decisions, and to punish when necessary.  A fellow DD blogger and one of the few out there blogging from a female perspective, Rhiannon at  learningandlivingaflr.blogspot.com, is very into  coming up with concrete steps for nudging each party toward growing as leader and follower, respectively. Such as my wife assigning more chores and ordering me to do things around the house.  It is one aspect of our growing FLR relationship that I really, really do not gravitate to. In fact, I hate it at the time it is happening.  But, it serves a constructive role for exactly that reason.  It is part of the humbling process.  Part of pushing me down in the pecking order and moving her up.  It also helps her get into the habit of being more directive and more commanding, so that doing so feels more natural.

Are there similar concrete steps that you have taken to encourage yourself or your partner in this process of learning to lead or to submit?  Things that have helped you to more fully accept or carry out your chosen role or that have helped your partner fulfill their role or get more comfortable with it? Please share, because there are lots of us who want to strengthen our DD and FLR relationships but may not have thought of good ways to turn goals into habits.

Have a great week.

Dan

The Forum -- Vol. 111 -- Happy Halloween & Poll on Implements

Hello. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women engaged or interested in F/m domestic discipline and female led relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

As a preliminary matter, I hope you all have a sexy and fun Halloween.

But not TOO fun.

And maybe a little adult action after the trick-or-treating crowd is in bed.

Last week was one of those humbling experiences I get as a blogger two or three times a year.  A topic that I think is really interesting, and maybe even a little important in terms of helping budge the needle on helping women become more comfortable with assuming leadership at home, just kind of flops.   We got some good stuff at the end, but it was kind of like pulling teeth.  I'm still a little surprised we didn't get more discussion on the core question of whether being perceived as aggressive or bitchy holds women back from taking on a stronger and more powerful role, because I know for a fact this is an issue for many women who get into this lifestyle.  The reason I know it is some have mentioned in past posts, or in their own blogs, and some have contacted me off-line and talked about it.  Yet, the core issue just didn't seem to resonate with many.  Oh well.  That's one of the things I like about this weekly process -- some things work, some things don't, but even if the discussion doesn't always go exactly where I thought or hoped, it still was more fun and informative than most of the other things I did that week.

We also finished up another poll last week. This one on our favorite "implements of ass destruction"  phrased as "Spankings are most often with. . . ."  Here are the results:

Hand	47 (23%)
Hairbrush	60 (29%)
Bath brush	28 (13%)
Wooden paddle	82 (40%)
Leather strap or belt	52 (25%)
Rubber strap	6 (2%)
Other	35 (17%)

A few things of note.  First, the response rate on this one was really high.  While nowadays we often get 1,000 visitors a day, many don't take time to do the polls.  Response rates are usually around 100 people. This one drew over 200.

Second, I once again really blew it in constructing the poll, because I left out one really, really obvious choice: the cane.  It occurred to me shortly after I posted it, but some people had already voted, and the Blogger polling tool doesn't let you change the choices after someone has voted.  I suspect that a lot of caning enthusiasm is showing up in that 17% "other" category.

It does appear that the wooden paddle wins hands down as the implement of choice for our community, which gives me some hope that this blog is being visited by a lot of people who are truly into this as punishment, discipline and correction, as the wooden paddle is something I think of as a serious disciplinary tool.

I also learned, much to my disappointment, that I am one of only 6 people who are either the recipient or wielder of a rubber strap.  People are missing out, though for the men on the receiving end, that may be a good thing. We added multiple rubber straps to Angela's arsenal over the last year, and they are sooooooo much more painful than a comparable leather strap.

It is just an entirely  different and utterly more miserable experience than anything we have used before.

They carry all the force of a wooden paddle or bath brush (and then some), but without as much numbing.  The pain of the swat seems to sink in deeper and radiate. I truly, truly hate them with a passion.

So, tell us about your most and least favorite implements?  Do you have some you reserve for a spanking that you really want to convey a particularly painful lesson?   And, while you're at it, tell us if you have any special plans for Halloween.  I will be staying at home handing out candy. Boring.

As we go into high-gear with the presidential debate season, I've also posted a new poll, this one on political affiliations.  I note in advance that I probably won't have a discussion on this one beyond just noting the results, because I suspect that I'll lose half the readership in one fell swoop if we start talking politics.  Rather, it's just part of my ongoing attempt to figure out who comprises this community of ours.

Have a great weekend!

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 110 - Bitchiness

Hello. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women engaged or interested in F/m domestic discipline and female led relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

A few weeks ago, I was at happy hour with a group of junior executives of our company.  Happy hour being my much preferred format for mentoring.  A discussion ensued in which a couple of our higher potential female executives bemoaned the fact their male subordinates treated them with less respect than they showed to male superiors, including not doing their work in as timely a manner, reacting badly to constructive feedback, and not prioritizing their work assignments.  I asked what seemed to me to be a fairly logical follow-up question: "Why do you let them get away with it?  If you repeatedly let them treat you with disrespect, don't you share some of the blame for letting that power dynamic fester?"  An awkward silence followed.  So I pressed forward a bit, pointing out that it isn't like they don't have tools at their disposal to slap someone down if they are ignoring orders, not responding quickly, etc.  Pull them into your office for a stern lecture, don't put them on key projects, give them a lousy annual review, etc.  If these guys weren't showing appropriate respect to female superiors, then why weren't those superiors making them pay a price for it? After another uncomfortable silence, one of them offered up a very honest answer: "Because they will see me as a bitch and call me one when I'm not around."  To which I answered, "So?"  Another awkward silence, and a bewildered look on the collective faces around the table.  "Seriously," I said, "do you think that a male superior would put up with that shit? And, after that male superior slaps a subordinate down, do you think that subordinate doesn't call him a dick, or an asshole, or some similar derogatory word behind his back?"  They continued to insist it just isn't the same thing, and I continued to ask why, without getting much more than, "It just is."  It was one of those discussions where the perspectives of the people on opposing sides of the conversation were just so different that there plainly wasn't enough common ground for us to really get anywhere.  So, we dropped it and went back to talking about whatever.

So, the topic for this week is largely directed at our Disciplinary Wives, though the husbands can always jump in to the extent they know their wives' feelings on this:  Is the prospect of being seen as a "bitch" or being overly assertive an impediment to you taking on a DD or FLR leadership role?  Do you hold back in ordering discipline or in making decisions in your relationship because you are, deep down inside, concerned about being seen as "bitchy" or overly aggressive? Do you have those feelings even where he has told you he wants you to be more stern and strict?  I wonder about this from time to time, because I think it does have an impact on my own DD relationship.  Angela is candid that she does enjoy exercising power over me, yet she can't ever quite adopt it as her daily approach to me, even though I've told her that I too want her to be the one in control and want her to feel more free to exercise that power and control as she sees fit.  I really do think we are both on the same page about what we want, but I also think that deep inside, she lacks a certain comfort level with being perceived as strong and commanding.

I hope people find this one fun and that it triggers an honest exchange of views on things that can be done to help foster the kind of power exchange that many of us are looking for in these DD and FLR relationships.

By the way, you may note that for the first time in these posts, I gave my wife an actual name.  It's not her real name, but it just feels too distant and vague for me to always refer to her as a generic "my wife."  For whatever reason, the name Angela has always seemed like a power name to me.  So, for purposes of this blog, Angela she will be.

Have a great weekend!

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 109 - What is "Punishment"?

Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum -- our weekly discusssion group for those practicing or interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

So, have you noticed that the name of this blog seems increasingly like a misnomer?  What began as a small group of like-minded men has really opened up lately, with a substantial jump in the number of Disciplinary Wives participating actively in the conversation.  It is a great trend, and we welcome them all.

Last week, one our anonymous commenters raised an interesting question that merits a full topic. We often talk about the differences between erotic spankings, maintenance spankings, and punishment spankings. But, I don't think we've ever really discussed what a punishment spanking consists of for each of you.  I'm sure that this varies tremendously from couple to couple as a result of all sorts of factors, including natural pain tolerance, experience and comfort level with delivering a truly hard spanking, and a host of other factors.  So, let's talk about what a punishment spanking really consists of for you.

I will kick this one off.  My wife does not do non-punishment spankings, so they are all very hard.  Typically, she will use somewhere between three and five implements, including a leather strap, a wooden "fraternity"-style paddle, a bath brush, a "loopy johnny" and, more recently, one or more really brutal rubber straps.  The number of swats varies, but usually no fewer than 30 per implement, and often double that.  When it is over, my bottom is swollen and red, with prominent bruising.  While that has been the condition of my bottom since virtually our very first disciplinary spanking, the intensity and number of the swats have increased substantially over the years.  When we first began, sixty or seventy swats seemed terrifying.  Today, that is just a warm up.  My bottom also doesn't bruise as easily as when we first started this journey.  Early on, any session with the wooden paddle would leave large, ugly bruises.  Now, the bruises are smaller and seem to fade faster.  Regarding duration, I've never timed one of our sessions.  While they seem agonizingly long at the time, I'm sure that in reality they last 10 minutes or less from first swat to last, though the ritual of getting ready, preparing the room, laying out her tools, undressing, etc. makes the entire event last around 20 to 30 minutes.  Mine do not end in tears, no matter how long or hard the spanking. So far, I just can't let go enough to get there.  I also do have a higher than normal pain tolerance, though I think the inability to cry is more a function of emotional resistance than pain tolerance.

So, that is what a punishment spanking is for us.  How about for you? What characterizes a "punishment" spanking specifically, in terms of severity, duration, number of swats, implements, etc. Please share!

Have a great weekend.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 108 - Correcting Small Things

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week and, for those of you who get the benefit of the Columbus Day holiday, I hope you enjoy the three-day weekend.

This blog focuses on disciplinary spankings.  Last week we talked a little bit about where we are spanked.  This week, let's focus again on "for what"?  When we first began our disciplinary relationship, it was focused on addressing larger issues and things that had a tendency to piss her off in a big way.  Drinking too much.  Giving her attitude.  Those kinds of things.  Until recently, she didn't use disciplinary spankings to address "smaller" issues.  Like dropping the ball on household duties.  As she gets more assertive, that is changing.  A few weeks ago, she texted me a picture of some pans I had left on a stove, having failed to clean up completely after dinner.  She voiced her displeasure.  A few days later, she texted me a picture of a rice-cooker that I had forgotten to clean several nights before.  This time, the picture was accompanied by a terse statement that I would be spanked that night.  And, she carried through on the threat that night, giving me a very thorough butt blistering.

This seems like a small incident in some ways, but it really impacted me in a much deeper way. It was the first time that she had really taken me to task not for something related to some larger failure in personal discipline, but for something that simply dipleased her or failed to live up to a standard she expected.  While minor in the scheme of things, it seemed like a fundamental turning point in our relationship, and a huge advance in her growth as a Female Leader.

Another recent example.  A week ago, I stayed up late watching a movie.  I got up the next morning and left to run some errands.  While I was out, I got a very angry text:

"You left the refrigerator door open last night!  Everything in it is spoiled!"

I replied with a heartfelt, "I'm sorry."

"Not nearly as sorry as your are going to be!" was her response.

And, once again, she carried out her threat, leaving me sore for several days.  Now, this one was not really a failure to do a chore or some task, but it was a very stern warning to pay attention or there would be consequences. 

So, how about you?  Are you spanked for simple screw-ups, like forgetting to do a household chore, or because some lack of attention or diligence lost some ? If not, do think that is something you would like to explore?

I also wanted to take a few minutes to thank some of our new commenters, including John, Ed, Carl, Dave and others. And, especially our new Disciplinary Wife contributors, including Dan and Holly.  Hope I didn't miss anyone.  Thanks to you all for your contributions, and welcome to our little club.

The Forum -- Vol. 7 -- Poll: Where do Your Spankings Happen

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum, our weekly discussion group of topics near and dear to the hearts of those practicing or interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week and have a fun and relaxing weekend ahead.  Doesn't everything just feel better now that football season is back in swing?

One of our polls closed last week.  It asked where most of your disciplinary spankings occur.  We got 123 responses, which is about average for our polls, whcih I usually leave up for about three weeks.  Here are the results:

Bedroom	87 (70%)
Basement	6 (4%)
Living/family room	20 (16%)
Kitchen	5 (4%)
Other	5 (4%)

Not unexpectedly, the bedroom won this one decisively.

 The living room/family room came in a distant second.

The kitchen got a handful of votes.

I neglected to ask about the bathroom, which is another obvious candidate.

 Or for those lucky few, something earthier, like a barn or woodshed.

 

For us, it's the basement.  For most of our DD relationship, we have had kids in the home. The layout of the house makes bedroom spankings less than ideal, as they can be easily overheard through a door or a wall.  Fortunately, our current house has a small storage room in the basement, which we have converted to a makeshift discipline room.  It is barely large enough to serve the purpose, but we've made it work. It is currently in a cluttered state, but over time I would like to make it a bit more ornate and formal, to suit the seriousness of the disciplinary instruction that she delivers there.

So, tell us all about where you get spanked the most, and why that particular room or place was chosen.

Have a great weekend!

The Forum - Vol. 106

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Disciplined Husbands Forum -- our weekly gathering of husbands and wives engaged or interested in Domestic Discipline and Female Led Relationships.

I hope you had a great week.  I was really glad to have mine come to an end.  Work has been a killer, constant travel, and just basically one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong did.  But, it's a beautiful early Fall weekend, and I hope you are all out enjoying it.

We had a great discussion last week.  One surprise was just how much the discussion of "alternative" or "additional" punishments has changed in less than a year.  When we last talked about that topic, it did not draw much interest, and what little there was seemed to be fairly strongly opposed to using anything other than spanking as punishment in a Domestic Discipline relationship.  This time, there was a much more open, and positive, discussion of various alternatives.  I wonder if part of the reason for the change is the slightly different direction this blog has gone in.  When it began, and until about a year ago, I had kept it pretty tightly aligned with Domestic Discipline of the corporal punishment variety.  Over the last year, however, as my own relationship started to explore larger dimensions of Female-male power exchange that went beyond sporadic, episodic spankings for particular offenses and started to explore Female Led Relationships, the blog went a bit in that direction as well.  And, with that broader emphasis, we seem to be bringing in regular readers who are interested not just in discipline via spanking, but in various other forms of female leadership and direction.

While I understand the opposition to grounding, taking away privileges, added chores, and other "alternative" or "additional" forms punishment or control, all I can say is that for us, it seems to be working. And after a period of pretty strong internal resistance on my part. Alan observed in a comment to the last topic that "alternative" forms of punishment can breed resentment.  I agree, though I think that is true of ALL forms of punishment to the extent they are really functioning as punishment, i.e. as something that is not enjoyable, is uncomortable and hard to take, and that are aimed at real behavioral correction.  And, there has, in fact, been a fair amount of resentment on my part.  I first suggested taking things in more of an FLR direction after reading about it on other blogs and discussing it with one FLR practitioner who has become a real mentor to me on this, albeit electronically.  As my wife started giving it a try, it went in a "service FLR" direction that I really hated, and still do to a large extent. But, it also undeniably gave her increasing confidence as she exercised this new and incremental authority.  And, when she finally took the step toward grounding me after a recurring offense, it seemed a a real sea change in where our relationship is going.  I have always said that the important part for me about DD--the part that I really need--is for someone to impose real boundaries on my behavior.  The "alternative" or "additional" punishments we have been exploring seem to really be effectuating that change in a way that spanking alone never quite achieved.

An example I gave in the comments to last week's topic is instructive.  Yesterday afternoon, the office mates and I decided to kill of a very long week with a quick happy hour drink.  The wait service turned out to be incredibly slow, and I was sitting there waiting for my first drink with the clock  ticking such that I was going to be late for an early dinner with some of my wife's familly.  A few months ago, in all likelihood I would have at least finished the drink, kept talking with my colleagues, and made it to dinner 30 minutes or more late.  This time, I just paid for my undelivered drink and left.  I really don't think that would have happened if the only consequence I would have suffered for my tardiness was a spanking.  Instead, I knew that if I was late there was  a pretty good chance I would find myself grounded from ALL happy hours for a week or more.  So, for us it is working, and I intend to keep submitting to it, even if doing so makes me resentful sometimes.

Now, on to this week's topic, though it is an off-shoot.  During last week's discussion, there was a small set of comments exchanged regarding strap-ons, and whether they function as real punishment.  I have steered clear of this topic in the past, along with most topics that really get into explicit sexual acts, as I want to make sure this blog remains a welcoming place for people with all ranges of comfort levels about particular sexual activities.  But, this seemed to be one that people are interested in and, with some approppriate restraint, I'm sure it can be dealt with maturely.  So, let's talk about that specific issue, but also broaden it a bit.  There were two strains that seemed to be going on in the brief set of comments from last week. First, does the strap-on act as a true punishment for the male?  Second, does it empower the woman in some way and, correspondingly, disempower him or "put him in his place"?  For the women who have used them and enjoyed the experience, did it make you feel empowered in some way different from delivering a spanking?  And, to broaden it a little more, are there other ways that our Disciplinary Wives and Female Leaders send those unmistakable messages that they are the ones in charge?

Have a great week!

The Forum - Vol. 105 - Grounding and Alternative Punishments

Hi all.  Welcome back to our weekly forum on domestic discipline and female led relationships.

Last week's conversation on how often we are punished seemed to spark a good amount of interest.  This week, let's talk about how, not how often.  This blog obviously focuses a lot on corporal punishment.  But, that is hardly the only form of punishment available to wives who want to see real, positive behavioral change.  So, this week's topic is, what role do alternative punishments play in your relationship  DD or FLR relationship?

We have talked about this topic before, but it's been on my mind recently because we have been experimenting with "grounding."  The punishment is much like what one would impose on a misbehaving teenager.  Basically, restricting my freedom as punishment for abusing the freedom I usually enjoy.  For example, if I drink too much with the guys at a Friday happy hour, and I find myself grounded, i.e. prohibited from drinking at all for a week.  It has been very effective so far, largely because it serves not only as punishment but as a preventative, sort of like the preventative spankings a few of our forum members have talked about.  It also is a form of punishment that is a little harder to hide from others.  A bruised bottom can be easily hidden from view. But, declining to partake in some activity because you've been ordered not to do it -- that is inherently harder to cover up. 

Do you have similar alternative disciplinary practices? Grounding?  Loss of privileges?  Additional household chores?  Please share your thoughts and experiences.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 104 - Spanking Frequency

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum -- our interactive discussion of topics that are, hopefully, interesting, fun and important to those in domestic discipline and FLR relationships, and those who would like to be.

I hope you had a nice, short work week.  Thanks to those who kept the conversation going a bit while I was being lazy.

A few weeks ago, when I was bemoaning a lack of inspiration on new topics, a really obvious one occurrred to me.  Kind of right there under my nose was a simple one that I don't think we have really touched on during the entire history of this blog: How often are you spanked?  So, I posted a poll, and here is what the readers have to say about it:

5 or less	26 (23%)
Between 5 and 10	11 (9%)
Between 10 and 20	29 (26%)
More than 20	45 (40%)

We seem to have a misbehaving readership.  Almost half of the respondents spanked more than 20 times a year!  Of course, what I probably should have asked is, how often do you receive disciplinary or punishment spankings.  Unfortunately, I never think of those kinds of nuances until after I launch the poll. 

So, tell us about the frequency of your spankings, particularly the disciplinary and punishment variety. How often is your spouse called upon to blister your bottom thoroughly for some offense?  If you are the disciplinary spouse, how often do you feel the need to deliver that unmistakable message of disapproval?  Has the frequency changed over time?

I put my wife and I in the "between 10 and 20" tranche, but it is really at the low end of that spectrum.  Unfortunately, not so much because I don't deserve it more often, but because a signficant amount of bad behavior goes unpunished because of all of those "real life"interferences.  That may, of course, change over time.  I suspect that one reason our readership seems to tilt so heavily toward the over-50 crowd is they have entered a time in life where some social and family impediments to the DD lifestyle start to diminish.  Another factor tilting my own experience toward the lower part of the range is we don't do maintenance or erotic spankings.  Again, my bad for not defining terms in a way that might have resulted in a more apples-to-apples comparison.

Have a great week.

Dan

Have Fun Out There

Hello all. I hope you had a great week and are either already enjoying or soon to be enjoyng a great three-day weekend (for those in the U.S.).  I was tied up most of the week and haven't even gotten to most of last week's comments.  So, I think I am going to take a little pause this weekend, including from the blog. But, just because I am being lazy, don't feel like you must do the same.  Please feel free to continue last week's discussion, or start a new thread here on anything you want to talk about (within the bounds of reason and good taste.)

Update: I did get around to answering most of last week's comments, leaving a few follow-up questions or observations.

Have a great weekend and be safe.

Dan