The Forum - New Year's Eve 2014 Special Edition

Season's Greetings one and all. I hope you've had great holiday, and I hope you enjoy the waning hours of 2014.  Safely and responsibly.

A common theme that unites many couples practicing Domestic Discipline is self-improvement and, for the Disciplinary Wives, giving their hubbies and significant others that extra little motivation required to address all those nagging little behavior problems.  Which fits in very nicely with that New Year's tradition -- making resolutions.

I like resolutions.  I like setting goals. I know I won't always hit them, but it's amazing what you can accomplish over time if you are able to improve incrementally day by day, week by week, year by year. On the other hand, I admit to being a little depressed when I look back at old blog and journal entries and realize that I seem to wrestle with some of the same challenges year after year.  But, hope springs eternal and, therefore, here are a few of my resolutions for 2015, some focused on general improvement and others related more specifically to our Domestic Discipline lifestyle.  I also have provided a list of resolutions that I am going to ask my wife to adopt, since ultimately my success in carrying out my resolutions may prove to be a function of that extra motivation she supplies to my upturned bottom.

In the spirit of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours . . ." here goes. I invite you to share your resolutions and those you would like to see applied to you, for your and her benefit, by your Disciplinary Wife (or husband for our few Disciplined Wives).

General Resolutions

 I hereby resolve to:

• have fewer Saturdays spent regretting my Friday work-related socializing
• earn to better control my temper at work
• nurture those important relationships, both work and personal, that sometimes don't get the time or attention they deserve
• Exit 2015 in better physical shape than I entered into it, as measured by pant size, blood pressure, strength and endurance

Domestic Discipline Resolutions

I hereby resolve to:

• self-report any infractions at least weekly
• empower my wife to grow in her disciplinary authority, including by showing more outward signs of submission to her control
• during spankings, instead of "taking it like a man," try hard to let go all ego and control, surrendering totally to her authority

The Forum - Vol. 71

Hi all.  Can't you just feel 2014 winding down.  I hate to speak ill of the almost departed, but I have to admit, it has seemed like a challenging year in a lot of ways.  And while the holidays usually are my favorite time of year, this time they kind of snuck up on me, and work seems to be accelerating as we go into year-end, while all I really want is to veg out in front of a the Christmas tree with a big glass of wine.  But, some years are like that and, despite presenting some challenges, my nuclear family all made it through the year in one piece and in relatively good health and spirits.  And, that alone is much to be thankful for.

On to this week's question, which I offer in the spririt of the season (I also apologize in advance to those of our readers who don't celebrate Christmas):  Have you ever given or received a spanking or DD-themed Christmas gift?  And, what spanking  or DD gift would you most like to find under your tree Christmas morning?  At our house, Mrs. Disciplined Hubby will be getting a new rubber strap in her stocking.  While it is a practical gift, I suspect she will like it much more than a new frying pan.

I may take a break next week in honor of the Holiday Season, so here is wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 70

Hi all.  Sorry for the late start.  It's been a crazy couple of days, including some things that kept me busy and unable to post until now.  So, let's get to it.

This week's topic is a follow-up to last week's, which focused on tears.  Respecting Mistress suggested this related question:   

What happens in the relationships where the husband does end up weeping? What kind of reaction does he get from his wife? How does his wife feel seeing him weeping? Is there any loss of respect from him - or does increase with her knowing he's taken his punishment. How does he feel towards her for 'breaking' him?" 

Let's broaden a litte so it is not quite as focused on tears.  For those who have been brought to tears, "broken," or otherwise brought to an actual surrender to your wife's authority in a way that hadn't occurred until the, what was the effect of that on both of you?  How did you feel?  Happy?  Peaceful? Or, was there any resentment or a new sense of respect tinged with some fear or anxiety?  Wives, how did you feel the first time you saw that unmistakable evidence that you had really gontten your point across?

Sorry again for the delayed start.   

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 69

Hello all.

I hope you had a great week and have girded yourselves to brave the holiday shopping crowds.  I am so far behind this year, I'm dreading walking around aimlessly, hoping that the one great gift for each person in my life will just magically present itself, thereby saving me from resorting to the dreaded gift card.  Given my behavior, I know what I should be getting, repeatedly, before, during and after Christmas, if Santa Claus really does separate us into Naughty and Nice groupings.

We have now closed another poll, and this one has a special resonance for me.  The topic was tears, specifically, have you ever been brought to tears by an adult spanking.  And, if so, was it just a few small tears of full-blown sobbing.  The results are:

No	49 (48%)
Yes - only a few tears	26 (25%)
Yes - real sobbing	27 (26%)

Once again, our poll results are somewhat counter to what I would have predicted.  I have always suspected that if there was one area where disciplinary fantasy disconnects from disciplinary reality, it probably was crying.  Reading about "real" disciplinary spankings in forums like the Disciplinary Wives Club, one would think that vritually every well-delivered disciplinary spanking leave the husband racked with sobs and free-flowing tears.  Yet, the last time we covered this topic (early in the history of this blog), most of the commenters indicated they had not been brought to tears.  We now have a bit more critical mass, and the results above may be a little more indicative of what happens in real life, and I am a little suprised that the distibution is almost 50-50 between the tearful and non-tearful.  I also am very surprised that over a quarter of respondents say they have been reduced to real sobs.

I said this topic has some special resonance for me.  To such an extent that the prospect of crying was probably the most significant driver of the emotional reaction I had when I discovered the DWC website.  The stories of men being brought to tears over their wives knees fascinated me and had an undeniable attraction, but it was an attraction that was also utterly and completely terrifying.  The thought of letting go of control so thoroughly that I would sob in front of my wife while she paddled me was anxiety-inducing to an extent that is really hard to over-estimate.   Yet, the prospect of experiencing that kind of catharsis was also a major impetus for my decision to broach the topic of DD with her.  But, in doing so, I really did half-hope that she would not be interested, because the prospect of being brought to tears just terrified me so much.

So, here we are many years later, and I still have not cried, even as the result of spankings that I think anyone would acknowledge fall into the "severe" range.  While it is all speculation on my part, I think there are many things that account for it, including:  (1) I have a lead bottom and a weirdly high pain threshold; (2) my wife doesn't do a lot of stern lecturing beforehand, which might reduce mey resistance emotionally before the spanking even starts; (3) deep-seated fear of embarrassment that keeps me from quite letting go fully and completely; (4) spankings that are severe in terms of impact but not always in terms of duration, because my bottom starts to bleed (usually very minor, but enough that it makes her stop).

Alan alluded to that last one in his comment yesterday, as I do think that one thing that would help me get to the point of actual release is the prospect that a spanking that I am already having a hard time taking is likely to go on, and on and on.  I also think the choice of tool can be important, because some of our bigger, "thuddier" paddles tend to make my bottom go numb pretty quickly, which is counter-productive.

Alan also talked about his wife's reaction to tears and that she not only is comfortable with him crying but encourages it.  My wife and I have discussed this several times, and I think her attitude has progressed a lot as she has become more comfortable in her role, going from acknowledging that my crying might disturb her because it it shows is hurting me "too much," to getting over that and being OK if I do cry at some point, to mildly disappointed that it has not happened yet.

So, with that very long-winded opening, tell us your situation, hopes and fears where tears are concerned.  Have you been brought to tears?  Would you like to be?  If you have, were there certain things that enabled you to get there? If not, what do you think is holding you back?

I hope you all have a great week.

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 68

Hi all.  I hope all of our U.S. readers had a great Thanksgiving, including time off with friends and family.

So, I got a little testy with a fellow blogger this week who had a post suggestion that "repeated spankings" were an indication that the DD relationship was "just a game," and going on at length  about what he saw as the supposed irrationality of adult spankings.  And criticizing one commenter for wanting to be reduced to a sobbing mess, while this same blogger has posted about hs own desire to be "broken."  But, perhapsn I am being to harsh.  What was it Hobbes said about "a foolish consistency . . ."? 

But, as someone who has gone through the process of discovering DD and overcoming my trepidation about asking for it, then watching what it has done for us and for my wife's growing sense of empowerment in particular, I tend to get a little annoyed by people who haven't actually experienced it but feel free to cut loose with criticisms and opinions regarding motivations that they themselves have not felt and, therefore, don't understand.  It is especially annoying when the criticism comes from segments of the Femdom community who insist DD is "just a game," as in a spanking fetish, or in some way irrational or weird, while their own relationships are just as out of step with adult norms and tend to come dressed up with all sorts of "weird" accoutrements that they see as totally rational. 

Whatever.

But, my biggest annoyance is with myself for responding in anger and doing it on someone else's blog.  I really need to stop doing that, because in the end, people can voice whatever opinions they want on their own blog, well-informed or otherwise.  Which, is why I stopped short of saying some of the above as a comment on his blog but now feel free to say it on mine.

But, there was a serious question lurking in that post that got me riled:  If you do find yourself being spanked repeatedly for the same offense, why is that?  Is it because for you DD really IS just a game?   Could there be a part of you that doesn't want the behavior to stop because the spankings might stop?  Or, maybe the bad behavior is a long-term habit that you can't break despite your best efforts?  Perhaps your wife keeps moving the bar and applying discipline for smaller variations of the offense?  Or, perhaps the discipline is not hard enough, long enough or consistent enough to give you the incentive you need to really stop. 

So, what is keeping you stuck in that bad behavioral rut that DD won't fix?  Or, have you had that problem in the past but figured out a way to deal with it?

Dan

The Forum - Vol. 67

Hi all.  I hope you all had a good week.  I'm in th middle of a major storm at work, so I apologize in being less than thorough and prompt in responding to comments last week.  I will try to remedy that over the weekend.

In the meatime, this week's topic relates to one of our recent polls, which asked about who initiated the disciplinary relationship.  Like the poll on the ages at which people start DD, this one was, in a word, lopsided:

Discipline receiver	107 (84%)
Discipline giver	20 (15%)

 Unlike the poll on ages, however, this one doesn't surprise me.  And, the results are reinfoced by many of the comments from last week regarding DD "surprises," many of which talked about the fact that the male initieated the DD relationship, but the female soon became an enthusiastic participant.

One thing that does amuse me a bit about these results is it does suggest that a lot of the stories out there regarding DD beginnings, including unfortunately much of the content from the old Disciplinary Wives Club, is probably more fantasy than reality, as many of the stories involve the wives initiating the DD or FLR relationship in response to exasperation with the husband's behavior, but our poll results suggest that instances of female-initiated DD may be few and far between>

So, this week, give us any thoughts you may have on why the numbers are so lopsided.  Why is is usually the man initiating, particularly given all the advantages DD seems to hold for the women, and also given the leaps and bounds women have made in recent years when it comes to assertiveness in the workplace and hte professional world.  Also, take a moment to share your own initiation story and most importantly why you--be you reciver or giver in the DD relationship--initiated.

Have a great week!

Dan

The Forum - Weekly Topic #66 and New Poll

Hi all.  Off to a bit of a slow start this morning.  So, let's get to it.

First, thanks to Fred, George, Katie, Leigh, RB, JJ, Abby and an Anonymous poster for participating in our first  Love our Lurkers event here at the Disciplined Husbands Forum.  I may do some less formal invitations from time to time if helps make some of our regular but silent visitors more comfortable with participating. 

This week's topic comes from an anonymous commenter on last week's topic. I had intended to use it in a week or two, but I decided to jump right tto it this week, as I think it is is a really great one.  Here it is, as she wrote it:

"What surprised you about the way the DD or FLR relationship turned out? What happened that you didn't expect or didn't happen that you did expect?  In my case, I would list several. I expected that I would feel guilty about spanking my husband. I didn't. I didn't expect to enjoy giving a spanking. I do (and I sometimes feel guilty about that). I didn't expect us both to get a restless feeling when too much time passed without any behavior that deserved a spanking. We undertook it with the idea of it changing him. I have probably changed more than he has."

Those last two sentences really resonate with me in terms of how our relationship has progressed, but I'll go into that a bit later.  In the meantime, please tell us all about the role the unexpected has played in your DD journey.

Also, I've posted a new reader poll that addresses a topic that has always inspitred both dread and fascination in me: being spanked to actual tears.  If it wasn't clear, this poll is aimed at spanking receivers, as I don't really care whether someone who does not actually get disciplinary or punishment spankings has never been broght to tears by one.  We'll talk about this one after the poll results are in.

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Love Our Lurkers

Hi all.  Welcome to the 9th Annual Love Our Lurkers day.  In a nutshell, it is a day for us to celebrate, and encourage, all those who drop by our blogs regularly but never leave a comment.  For a more fulsome explanation of the concept, please to to Hermione's wonderful blog:  http://hermionesheart.blogspot.de/2014/10/love-our-lurkers-days-are-coming-soon.html.  While I encourage our lurkers to take give our weekly topics a try, on Love our Lurkers day, any comment will do.  Just stop by and say hi. 

To give you an idea of the ratio between lurkers and active commenters, we probably have about a dozen of the latter (if that), but this blog is up to around 800 visitors a day, with close to 1400 last Saturday.

So, please drop us a line!

The Forum Weekly #65

Hi all.  Hope you had a great week. Our discussions from the last two weeks had an interesting dynamic. While last week's topic was focused on what the women in our lives get out of DD, the topic from two weeks ago--pre-spanking orgasms and removing the sexual aspect from the discipline--kept spilling into the new topic.  It obviously held a lot of interest for a lot of people, and it's great that the discussion took on a life of its own.

As for this week, I had some time by myself last night, and I thought that maybe I should get a  jump on our weekly topic, so I could free up some time on what was going to be a busy Saturday.  I was even thinking about posting it on Friday night so more visitors would have a chance to get to it early on their Saturdays, especially our surprisingly large contingent of visitors from the UK.  (The whole "English Vice" thing might be a topic to explore in the future.)

But, my plans to get an early start on the post were frustrated by an impenetrable case of writer's block.  Really more like "topic block."  I keep a running list of possible topics, but for some reason none of them had the slightest appeal, or they were things  I wanted to lay the groundwork for with some reader polling before  jumping into the discussion.  In any event, I gave up, hoping that inspiration would hit me over night.  In a way it did, but we'll see if others feel this is a topic worth exploring, since the last time I tried a variation of it, it kind of flopped.  But, we have a larger, more engaged group of contributors now, so maybe it will generate at least a little interest.

The topic is a little nebulous (intentionally so) but it focuses on spreading the word about the advantages of domestic discipline, and also about whether we suspect there are others in our lives who are already practicing either DD or some kind of Female Led Relationship.

Let's start with the former.  When I started this blog, it was really about satisfying my own need to communicate. But, I admit that I do sometimes have higher ambitions for it, such as hoping that it does entice someone somewhere who isn't currently in an FLR or DD relationship to try domestic discipline, similar to the role the Disciplinary Wives Club played for me.  I am a genuine believer in the value of DD and its ability to change the dynamic in a marriage in a very positive way.  For that reason, I have from time to time felt a compulsion to tell others about it.  To date, there is only one person who I have told directly and openly about our lifestyle.   I told her for the most part because we were close friends and it was just one of those relationship things that came out.  But, I also had the zeal of the convert at that stage and felt the need to do some evangelizing.

So, part of this week's topic is, are there people in your life who you would really like to tell about DD, even if you don't think you ever would in real life?  Maybe a couple who is struggling and the dynamic is such that her taking some control over him might help?  Maybe you have a stressed-out, controlling Alpha co-worker who could profit from having to surrender to some wifely power?  Maybe you have a female friend or co-worker who could grow leaps and bounds if she would take up the paddle or hairbrush and use it liberally to assert herself over her spouse?  And, to make this a little more fun, if you did want to let these people know about the advantages of DD, any thoughts on how you might go about doing that, stealthily or otherwise?

And, conversely, are there people in your life who you think may already be in an FLR or DD relationship?  If so, what makes you suspect it?

Have a great week!  Also, my case of writer's block really was frustrating, so please pitch in with any ideas for future topics.  I do realize that at some point we just have to live with recycling topics, but I'm not sure we are quite at that point yet.

Dan

The Forum - Weekly Topic #63

Hi all.  Happy belated Halloween!  I hope you all had a great time last night, whether with the kids or engaged in more "adult" activities.

I thought we had a great discussion last week.  Some of the couples have clearly taken discipline to that "next" level, where it is all about the discipline and punishment, with most of the eroticism removed.  At least for the person on the receiving end of the paddle or strap or cane.

And that brings us to this week's topic.  Things like requiring an orgasm before discipline or denying sex afterward are clearly designed to make sure that a disciplinary spanking is really punishment.  But, that is from the receiver's perspective.  What about the giver?  What does the Disciplinary Wife get out of the disciplinary relationship, and is it based at all in sex or eroticism?  And, does it change over time? For example, maybe a wife starts out in DD by complying, somewhat skeptically and tentatively, with her husband's request to be disciplined.  Maybe it begins with her trying to give him what he thinks he needs or what she thinks will help the marriage.  That's the way it started out for us.  But, over time, that has changed.  While I don't think my Disciplinary Wife fits into the category of "Sadist," because I don't think she enjoys inflicting pain or watching someone else receive it, over time she has very much to come to enjoy the power associated with directing me to go to the basement, strip naked, and present myself for a spanking.  And, while most of her delight in it seems to be connected to the exercise of power and authority, it does increasingly have a sexual component.

But, for others, perhaps the desire to dominate and exercise authority has been there from the beginning. And, a few are true Sadists.

So, what motivates your disciplinary wife to be that disciplinarian, and what keeps them at it year after year.  And, how has it changed over time, if at all?

Have a great weekend!

Dan

The Forum - Weekly Topic #62

Hi all.  I hope you had a great week and are out enjoying the October weather.  I am getting off to a bit of a slow start today, so let's get to it. 

This week's topic is about sex. Got your attention, didn't I? 

But, I'm about to spoil it.  Instead of talking about sex and DD, let's talk about efforts to remove the sexual component from discipline?  Is sex inextricably bound up in your disciplinary efforts or, on the other hand, have you tried to remove it in order to make the discipline just that -- discipline.  For example, do you ban sex after a spanking?  Some people also advocate "milking", i.e. requiring masturbation before the spanking in order to remove the sexual component from the spanking itself and to remove the sex as an offset to the pain of a real disciplinary spanking.

So, let us know what efforts, if any, you make to segregate spanking and sex.

Have a great week.

Dan

New Poll: Who Got This Party Started

Folks, just a quick note.  I have posted a new poll.  This one is the essence of simplicity.  For those who are in a domestic discipline relationship, who initiated it -- the party receiving the discipline or the party giving it?  Given this blogs orientation toward F/m disciplinary relationships, the receiver would usually be the male and the giver the woman, but I didn't want exclude responses from those visitors who may be practicing M/f domestic discipline.  And, I would like to keep this one focused on DD, not spanking in general, because the relationship dynamics may be very different and, for this poll, I'm interested in hearing from those who are practicing DD, not spanking for purely erotic or entertainment purposes.

Dan

The Forum - Weekly Topic #61

Hello all.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying what is proving to be, in my neck of the woods, a really gorgeous Autumn. 

Our poll related to professions is closed, so let's make that the subject of this week's Forum.  The results are in, and they are:

Doctor/Medical Provider	3 (2%)
Lawyer	13 (12%)
Accountant	4 (3%)
Teacher	5 (4%)
Other Profession	14 (13%)
Business Executive	12 (11%)
Business Non-Executive	5 (4%)
Engineer/Technology	17 (15%)
Business Owner	16 (14%)
Other	18 (16%)

Admittedly, this poll was about as unscientific as it could possibly be, suffering from among other things, a small sample size, a self-selected set of respondents, selection bias on the part of its author in choosing the categories, and probably a host of other problems that a trained statistician could point out.   But, even with a sample of only 107 self-selected respondents, a few interesting points worth discussing emerge.

First, members of the medical community either are not very interested in domestic discipline, do not visit domestic discipline or spanking oriented blogs very often, or are very shy when it comes to filling out polls.  I am, I admit, a bit puzzled by that one, because I have always believed that DD appeals to a lot of Alpha Males and guys with "control freak" tendencies or high-pressure jobs, and the medical profession seems to be chock full of those.  Or maybe I'm just projecting the attributes that seem to drive my own DD-oriented needs onto others.

Among those who are into DD, lawyers, business executives and business owners are over represented.  I also am a little surprised at how many engineers and technology professionals are represented, as I don't associate that group with the Alpha Male and "controller" archetypes that I usually associate with DD.  But, again, that observation may be, and likely is, no more than my own biases shining through.  Of course, the biggest problem with this poll is that the percentages may not reflect relative interest or participation in DD as much as being in a profession or personal situation that lends itself to having time and freedom to explore the blogosphere and find things like our Disciplined Husbands Forum.

Finally, "other" and "other professional" are, in combination, the largest block of respondents.  Which could indicate either that we have a very diverse group of visitors to this blog or that I did a really poor job of selecting job categories and left out one or two large segments of the DD community.

So, let's focus on that as part of this week's topic:  For those who are willing to share, what job, career or profession are YOU in, and what, if any, connection do you think there is between that job and your interest in DD?  Did the same personality factors that lead you into that career also influence your interest in DD?  For instance, if you are inclined to submit to your wife's authority, are you similarly submissive to authority at work.  Or, is the inverse true and you feel attracted to DD as a way of giving up the control you exercise on the job or, particularly for our Disciplinary Women, does exercising power and control in your marriage reflect any power dynamics in your work life?

I know that talking about jobs and professions may be sensitive for some, given that many do not want to reveal too much about themselves.  If there are sensitivities on that score (and there are for me), I would suggest posting your comment anonymously and not signing the name or pseudonym you usually use when participating in this blog. 

The Forum - Week #60

Hello all.  Happy Saturday.  Another beautiful fall day where I live.  I hope you all had a good week.  A few weeks ago, one of our community members sent me an email with a topic suggestion.  (I'm not using his name because I'm not sure whether he is OK with me doing that.)  His suggested topic is one I will use in the future, but what intrigued more was that he told me he is a success coach who incorporates spanking into his coaching sessions.

Now, setting aside that that has to be about the coolest job in the entire world, it suggested an interesting topic regarding non-traditional uses of DD.  In our household, discipline is used primarily to correct bad behavior.  I do something wrong or make Disciplinary Wife angry, and she punishes that behavior.

But, what about using spanking as a motivator for positive behavior or performance enhancement.  Maybe you need to lose some weight and aren't good at sticking to an exercise routine.

 Or maybe you didn't perform at your best in some contest, and your wife helps make sure there is a consequence for giving less than your best effort.

 Disciplinary Wife and I have talked a lot about incorporating more such "motivational discipline" into our DD lifestyle, but we never seem to really make it happen.  How about you?  Does your disciplinarian (spouse or otherwise) act as a "success coach"?  Do you want her to?

Have a great weekend.

Dan

The Forum - Week #59

Hi all.  Happy Saturday.  I hope you had a good week.  This week's topic is about corner time.  A few weeks ago we talked about chastity.  It was something Disciplinary Wife and I don't practice and in which I have no personal interest, but I still wanted to hear about it since it seems to be a part of many other couples' disciplinary routine.  Corner time is another practice frequently associated with domestic discipline, and it is another practice that we don't personally engage in.  Yet, unlike with chastity, I am intrigued by it to the point of considering asking Disciplinary Wife to work it into our relationship.  It is a little hard for us to do that, however, given our usual routine, as unlike some disciplinary couples, we have not set up a strict separation between discipline and sex.  In fact, for us, discipline usually is followed by sex, and corner time would add time to the whole process, and we are frequently already tired and needing sleep after a long week.  But, it still interests me enough to think about how we might incorporate it.

So, what role, if any, does corner time play in your relationship?  If you do engage it, is it always an after-spanking event, or do you sometimes use it independently of spanking?  What purpose does it serve?  Is it additional form of punishment?  Or maybe something designed to allow the punished party to more fully contemplate his actions and what just happened to him?  Or, is it another way for the disciplining party to exercise their control and dominance?

Have a great week.

Dan

The Forum - Topic #58

Hi all.  I hope you had a good week.  I'll probably expand on this topic a little later when I have more time, but I wanted to get it out there before my day gets busy.  The topic is about interrupting our routine to work in a well-earned disciplinary spanking.  Have you ever been ordered to leave work so your wife could discipline you?  Or, maybe you acted up at a party and your wife took you home for a quick spanking session before returning you to the party with an improved attitude?  Tell us about a time when your routine or an event was interrupted to make time for some much needed discipline.

The Forum Topic #57 - Polls Old & New

Hi all.  I hope you had a great weekend and are enjoying, for those of you in the Northern Hemisphere, a great Fall day.

This week's topic is related to my most recent poll, which focuses on viewer ages.  This topic resulted from an exchange with Susie a few weeks ago when I was bemoaning the fact that a topic on dealing with children in the context of a F/m domestic discipline household failed to generate much interest.   Susie postulated that the lack of response might be do to the fact that most of the Forum's readers are over 50 and children at home may no longer be an issue.  That seemed like a theory that really needed some testing, because I had not real basis to believe that a majority of our readers are, in fact, over 50.

So, several weeks ago I put up a poll to test that proposition.  I intended to leave it open for another week.  But, really, what is point?  While I would probably be wise to begin with the assumption that one of our Disciplinary Wives is correct, what surprises me is not that Susie was right, but the degree to which she was right.  The over-50 crowd is, by far, the largest demographic age block who reads this block or at least the largest that actually fills out the polls.  As of this morning, there were 114 votes, with the following breakdown:

21 - 30	8 (7%)
30 -40	5 (4%)
40 - 50	19 (16%)
50+	82 (71%)

If the 114 people who responded are remotely representative of the overall viewer base, then almost  3/4 of our little community is over the age of 50.  While I am not particularly surprised that the readership tilts somewhat toward the older end of the spectrum, I am very much surprised that the numbers are so skewed toward that one age group. Admittedly, some of my surprise probably comes from the fact that the vast number of people who visit the blog I run are from an age group that I actually am not in!

So, my question is, why?  Why is the demographic of those interested in the topics addressed by this blog--primarily F/m domestic discipline--so heavily tilted toward those 50 and older?  More disposable time that they use to surf the internet?  More secure in themselves and more open to alternative lifestyles?  The Baby Boomers are just more open to alternative lifestyles than the younger generations?  You have to reach a certain age to fully feel the stress and strains that lead some hard-charging career men to seek out DD as an outlet?

Also, since we are on the topic of age, tell us a little bit about where you were in life at various times when DD and/or spanking took on some meaning in your life?  When did you first become aware of your interest in it?  When was the first time you acted on that interest?  When was the first time you gave or received a real DD or punishment-oriented spanking?  How old were you when you took concrete steps toward a real DD relationship?

I'm also putting up a new poll that I hope will tease out a few more insights on who we are and why we do do this thing we do.  This one focuses on career and professions.   Should be interesting, though this one is a little harder to construct a good poll because there are just so many options.  But, hopefully it will get the ball rolling.

Open Mic #2: Susie on the Topic of Topping From Below

Susie took me up on my offer (well, offer or pushy and presumptuous demand -- whichever) to step up to the microphone.  Instead of talking in detail about her relationship, she has chosen to take on a topic that has come up in some recent comments, i.e. "topping from the bottom".  Here is her contribution:

Topping From the Bottom

How many times have you heard the above phrase and wondered what it means?  Let me tell you, it's not what many of you have in mind, and I feel that we are constantly learning on our journey, and that if I can share with all of you, you can learn from me, and I can learn from you.

Some basics about me (names and such are changed to protect identities) I am a lifestyle female Dominant in my mid-50's. Someone once told me I could easily be mistaken for your average youngish grandma,  I've been in the BDSM lifestyle since I was in my late teens. I was taught the old school way, and started out as a submissive. I was a good submissive, and I was a fast learner. I enjoyed service of all kinds, and I don't ever recall hearing that phrase. I was told what to do, how to do it, and I didn't ask questions.Years later, when I got involved with a much older male Dominant, he told me that I was too much of a SAsS (Smart Ass submissive Slut) to actually be a submissive. He gave me rigorous training on how to be a Dominant. It was then that I learned about Topping from the bottom.

So, what is Topping from the bottom? Honestly, it's easier to tell you what it isn't, but I will try. Please bear with me.

If your wife is hitting (spanking) you too high on your buttocks, telling her as she's spanking you might be seen as topping from the bottom. If you wait until afterwards when she is holding you and you tell her without complaining "Honey, when you were hitting me with that brush earlier, it was too high" that is not topping from the bottom. Giving feedback in a non-judgmental, matter of fact way is NEVER Topping from the bottom, especially if it is well after the fact.

Asking for aftercare (being held and spoken to in gentle tones) after being disciplined is not Topping from the bottom. Both of you need a cooling off period afterwards, and it's all part of being closer to the one you love.

Buying your wife a paddle or cane is not Topping from the bottom. neither is saying "I hope you use this on me someday," Telling her "I want you to use this on me next time I get a spanking" is Topping from the bottom. Okay, I know I've lost a few of you, but there are some men who are masochists and enjoy the discipline. My husband 'Sam' (Smart ass masochist) is one of them.

Requesting a spanking might be Topping from the bottom, but it depends on the circumstances. If you have had a bad attitude, and you say "I have had a bad attitude all day, and I think a spanking will help it" isn't. Getting upset and nagging her because she won't is most definitely Topping from the bottom.

Making a request is not Topping from the bottom. Telling her exactly how you want things is. Discussing your needs, desires and feelings isn't Topping from the bottom.  Expecting her to do whatever you want is Topping from the bottom.

Communication and feedback is very important, and if it is given in a respectful manner, it isn't Topping from the bottom. One of the most important things in a relationship is communication, and if you are denied that, I feel it distances you from your spouse, and causes anger and bad feelings to fester. For those of you who are in a Domestic Discipline relationship, I'd like to suggest that you get together with your spouse or significant other at least once a month to talk about things, Share the positives as well as the negatives. Women, it doesn't hurt to give your man the occasional praise, especially if there is an area of great improvement. Give him some "warm fuzzies." I guarantee you that he will work harder to please you. Men, remind your woman that you appreciate her, and everything she does to ensure your good behavior. Do something sweet and unexpected once in a while. If you have them, be a good example for your children. Treat your wife with love and respect.

Please feel free to ask any questions or give feedback, even if you disagree with me.


I appreciate honesty from people.

Encouraging our DW Contributors

This is a short reminder and a bit of a kick in the pants to all our male contributors.  We have exactly two female contributors who join this forum on a regular basis.  Susie and Anna.  Last week Anna took up my invitation to post about how she became a Disciplinary Wife.  So, here we have a real, live disciplinary wife, and virtually no one has comment on her post or asked her any follow-ups.  If we want more of the women in our lives to feel comfortable posting on the blog, we need to encourage it by getting in there and communicating with them.  So, come on!  Scroll down one topic and bombard Anna with comments and questions.

Susie, fair warning.  You're up next. ;-)

Dan

The Forum - Question of the Week #56

Hi All.  I hope you had a great week.  Mine was, in a word, exhausting.  Business travel.  Not enough sleep.  Locked in business meetings with some fairly dysfunctional people, many of whom could clearly use a very hard spanking.   Oh well, that happens, doesn't it?   But, it really does make me wonder sometimes whether the millions of dollars businesses spend every year on performance consultants  and executive coaches of various sorts might be better spent on a few hardwood paddles and canes. 

As you will note, I just posted a submission from Anna, one of our regular commenters.  Anna, thanks very much for sharing how you got into DD and a summary of the program you implemented with Peter.

Anna's submission, and some of the comments from last week, lead to this week's topic: communicating with your significant other about DD.  For the last couple of weeks, we have all talked a bit about how we got into DD, what it does for us, what we hope to get out of it.  How much of that is something you share with your partner?  And, how much do they share with you about what they want?  Clearly, some of you communicate on a regular basis about what you want and need out of DD.  How about all the rest of you.  Do you talk about what is working and, just as importantly, what is not?  And, are some of you in a situation where you want to talk to your spouse about exploring a domestic discipline relationship, but you don't feel you can?

Finally, I will end this week's topic with an offer and a challenge, before letting you get onto what I hope will be a fun and relaxing weekend.  First, Anna took me up on my offer to share her story and thoughts, and I hope more of the disciplinary wives will do the same.  I'm still not sure we have many of them as readers, unfortunately, but for those who do stop by our little corner of the internet, the microphone is always open and available.  As for the challenge, this blog is now getting around 1,000 unique visitors on a good day.  Yet, we only have about 10 regular commenters.  Let's see if we can expand that a bit.  Will one or two of you lurkers drop us a line or two if you haven't in the past?  By all means, use a fake name, but leave something that allows us to welcome you to our little group.  It only takes a minute, and we'd love to year what you have to say.

Also, if you haven't voted in the poll yet to identify your age group, please do so.  There is a pretty overwhelming pattern emerging from the response we have so far, which I will make the subject of a future post.

Have a great weekend.

Dan

Anna's Story and Punishment Schedule

Hi all,

One of our regular commenters, Anna, took me up on my invitation to step up to the microphone.  Here is her personal background with DD, and an outline of punishment guidelines and schedule she and her husband have agreed to.



A BRIEF HISTORY

I MARRIED MY HUSBAND PETER AT 20. HE WAS 25 AND ALREADY VERY SUCCESSFUL.  HE WAS PART OF THE SILICON VALLEY EXPLOSION AND
WE LIVED VERY WELL.

AT 30 WE HAD TWO SONS. ONE 5 AND ONE 4. WE LIVED IN A LOVELY HOME
AND LACKED FOR NOTHING IN A MATERIAL SENSE. PETER WAS A GREAT
PROVIDER.  I WAS ALSO MISERABLE. PETER WORKED HARD AND PLAYED EVEN HARDER AND LITTLE OF HIS PLAY INVOLVED EITHER HIS WIFE OR HIS SONS. HE WAS LIVING THE LIFE OF A SINGLE MAN.

I WAS MISERABLE AND TOOK TO BEING A NAG AND MY GETTING EVEN WAS
TO DEPRIVE HIM OF ANY FORM OF SEX WITH ME.   A WEEK AFTER OUR
TENTH ANNIVERSARY WE BEGAN SEEING A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR IN AN
EFFORT TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR SONS. THE FIRST
THREE MONTHS OF OUR SESSIONS ONLY MANAGED TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.
AFTER ONE SESSION WHERE PETER SAID ONLY TWO WORDS IF THAT, AND I HAD RUN ON AND ON THE COUNSELOR STOPPED ME AND ASKED PETER HOW
HE FELT. HE SAT FOR A FEW MINUTES AND THEN STOOD UP AND YELLED
" I JUST WISH SHE WOULD GROW SOME BALLS AND STOP WHINING"
AFTER HE SPOKE HE STORMED OUT. I SAT IN SHOCK FOR SEVERAL MINUTES
BEFORE I LEFT.

LONG STORY SHORT WE BEGAN ACTUALLY TALKING. ONCE PAST THE ANGER HE COULD TELL ME HE WANTED ME TO REIN HIM IN. WANTED ME TO GIVE HIM
CONSEQUENCES FOR HIS BAD BEHAVIOR. I BEGAN READING ABOUT WIVES WHO SPANK THEIR HUSBANDS. WHILE WE SPOKE OF THIS IN GENERAL TERMS PETER CONFESSED THAT FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS HE HAD BEEN SEEING
A WOMAN WHO SPANKED HIM. THERE WAS NO SEX ONLY SPANKING AND HE ASKED ME TO SPEAK WITH HER. BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPEN I AGREED.

I MET MS X I SHALL CALL HER AND SHE WASNT ANYTHING I EXPECTED HER TO BE. SHE ASSURED ME THERE WAS NO SEX AND THIS WENT BEYOND SEX FOR PETER.

THE NEXT STEP WAS HARDEST SETTING UP RULES WITH PETER AND THEN WHEN HE BROKE A RULE SUCH AS BEING HOME FOR DINNER AT THE AGREED UPON TIME.  IT TOOK TIME BUT FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS WE HAVE REFINED THE RULES. THE ONE THING WE DO NOT DO IS EVER MIX UP DISCIPLINE WITH SEX AFTER.

SPANKING PROGRAM FOR ANNA AND PETER


AFTER MUCH TRIAL AND ERROR WE NARROWED DOWN THE THREE AREAS
THAT WE BOTH AGREED NEEDED WORK FROM HIM TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE WORK BETTER.

# 1 OFFENSIVE TONE. TOO OFTEN HE SPOKE IN A CONDESCENDING TONE
       TO ME EITHER ALONE, IN FRONT OF COMPANY AND ESPECIALLY IN FRONT
       OF OUR BOYS.

# 2  DISPLAYS OF ANGER THAT OFTEN SCARED THE BOYS AND EMBARRASSED 
        ME EITHER WITH OTHER FAMILY OR FRIENDS. LIKE ALL BOYS OUR SONS
        WERE BEGINNING TO MIRROR THEIR DADS BEHAVIOR.

# 3  DRINKING AND DRIVING EITHER ALONE OR WITH FAMILY

SINCE OUR BOYS SPEND EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT WITH HIS PARENTS WE DESIGNATE THAT EVENING AS PUNISHMENT EVENING. PETER KNOWS TO GO AT ONCE UP TO THE BEDROOM AND LAY OUT THE BELT, BRUSH , PADDLE, AND A RIDING CROP. HE THEN UNDRESSES AND STANDS IN MIDDLE OF ROOM AND WAITS UNTIL I COME UPSTAIRS. I CHOOSE WHAT METHOD I WILL USE AND THE TOTAL COUNT IS LEFT TOTALLY UP TO ME. I CALL IT THE " UNTIL MOMENT"
THAT IS THE MOMENT WHEN I SENSE BY HIS TEARS, PLEAS OR ATTITUDE
I CAN STOP. AFTER A SPANKING HE PUTS AWAY ALL THE SPANKING MATERIAL
AND THEN STANDS IN THE CORNER TO MEDITATE FOR AN HOUR. NOSE TO WALL HANDS LOCKED IN THE SMALL OF THE BACK LEGS SPREAD APART.

AFTER HIS CORNER TIME HE COMES DOWN TO DINNER AND WE RESUME A NORMAL EVENING. THERE IS NEVER SEX OF ANY KIND. USUALLY WHEN WE GO TO BED THE OFTEN CURLS UP AND TELLS ME HE IS SORRY AND THANKS ME FOR MY PATIENCE.

IN THE PAST YEAR AS WE HAVE GROWN TO UNDERSTAND THESE NEEDS THERE ARE TIMES WHEN AN IMMEDIATE SESSION IS NEEDED BY HIM. THESE USUALLY OCCUR AT HIS OFFICE AFTER WORKING HOURS. I HAVE A STTER COME IN AND GO TO HIM WHERE HE ASKS FOR WHAT HE NEEDS TO GROUND
HIM. THESE SESSIONS SEEM TO PRODUCE THE TEARS MOST OFTEN AND AFTER ONE OF THESE SESSIONS WHEN WE GET HOME THERE IS A LOVELY CALM AND HE OFTEN BEGS TO SERVICE ME WITH NOT RELEASING HIMSELF.

The Forum - Open MIc

Welcome to the weekend!  I hope you all had a good week.  I usually kick off the week's topic on Saturday, but I'm going to be tied up tomorrow and thought I would start it off a bit early.

In discussing last week's topic, I had an exchange with Anna, in which I invited her to submit her story, thoughts, any contribution she wants to make. While Anna may or may not want to take me up on it right now, it got me thinking that since I just allowed you to ask me anything, I would like to turn the tables.  I don't have questions for each of you individually so, instead, let's open up the microphone to one and all, with this question to frame the discussion a bit:

What is it about spanking and/or DD that brings you to this blog every week?  We just talked a bit about what brought me to it, and what I get out of it.  What about you?  Why is this something attracts you, maybe even to the point of an obsession?  Whether you are the giver or the receiver, what does it do for you?

And, what is it that you want to get out of it, even if you haven't achieved it yet?

Instead of leaving this for someone to kick off, I'll do so myself.

If I had to pick the one thing I want to get out of this thing we do, it is to lose all composure.  All control.  I want her to take me to a place where I can't take it any more.  I want to resist and resist and finally break down sobbing.

I want to stand there waiting for her, humbly, knowing what she about to do to me.  Sensing no mercy from her as I stand in front of her . . . waiting.

I want her to make me pull down my pants.  Doing it at her command.  Not just knowing that I am about to get a spanking.  But knowing that it is one that is going to leave me sobbing.  That sense of terror at the inevitability.  Knowing that once they come down it will end only after I am crying.  Sobbing.  And, not even then will it stop.

And, finally, it will all be over.

That is what I want.  You?

Dan

The Forum - Question of the Week #55

Hi all. Welcome back.  I hope you had a good week and are enjoying the weekend.  Here we are in mid-August.   Where did the summer go?

Well, last week's topic went over like a lead balloon.  A whopping four comments.  I'm not sure what that is about, but I don't remember the last time a topic drew that little interest.  Which I admit surprises me, since Domestic Discipline relationships are just that -- relationships -- many involving parents who struggle to find ways to incorporate consistent discipline into that relationships while kids are still in the picture.  It would have been nice to get a little more conversation going around that, but sometimes a topic just doesn't seem to work at a particular time.  And, after all, it is in fact the end of summer, with lots of people working in those last few vacation days.

This week's topic is one that was suggested by a reader a few weeks ago and that appears frequently on many FLR-oriented blogs:  chastity.   Is enforced chastity a part of your Domestic Discipline relationship?  If so, how does it work?  What do you and your partner get out of it?  If it's not currently part of your relationship, would you like it to be?  If so, why?

This is one I am going to have to throw to the readers and hope they drive the conversation, because chastity is not part of our relationship and it's something neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  If anything, we're frustrated at how often work and other commitments and the general busyness of life prevent us from having sex more often.  But. it does seem to be something that many of our readers either use as part of their relationship or have some interest in.  So, let's explore it a bit.

Hope you have a great week.

Dan

The Forum - Question of the Week #54

Hi all. Welcome back.  Hope you had a great week.  Mine was a bit hellish on the work front.  Not the environment, just the workload. Which accounts for the brevity of the question last week and also the tardiness of my replies to some comments.  In any event, the storm, has not passed, so this week may also be a bit shorter on timely interaction with all of you than I would otherwise like.  Anyway, with than whiny apology out of the way . . .

One of our readers suggested a few weeks ago that we haven't had a lot of topics related to dealing with children in the context of a DD relationship.  We've touched on those issues a few times, but let's open it up for a wider discussion.  If you have children, how have you dealt with things like when, if ever, they should learn that the wife wears the pants?  How have you kept spanking sessions private?  Or, do you think that DD-FLR side of your marriage even should be private?  Also, were you the product of a DD or FLR marriage?  When and did you learn about that aspect your parents' relationship dynamic, and what effects do you think that had on you back then and today?

Have a great weekend.

Dan

The Forum Question of the Week #53

Hello all.  Welcome back.  I hope you had a great week.  Last week's topic focused on fantasies.  One of the contributors mentioned wanting to be tied to a spanking bench.  I have never been tied down or restrained during a spanking, but I've wondered if it adds to the experience significantly.  How about you?  Have you ever been tied down or restrained during a spanking?  If so, what does it add to the experience, if anything? If not, would you like to be?

Have a great week.  As always, please take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook.

Dan

The Forum - Question of the Week #52

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  I hope you had a great week.  We've been spending a lot of time talking about motivations, moving toward stricter FLR relationships, and other fairly serious topics.  I thought about giving an update on our own experimentation with more rigorous wifely dominance but, honestly, I'm not in the mood.  Time for something a bit lighter.

Do you have a fantasy spanking spot?  Some place where you would like to bare all for a serious disciplinary spanking?  Or, is there a specific spanking scenario or scene you would like to explore?

For me, I've always had a thing for rustic settings, like the tack room in a horse barn.  Or, a real woodshed.  There is something that really gets to me about the earthy, tack room setting.  Something especially naughty about being forced to drop my pants, to accept a bare bottom whipping while bent over a bale of hay.

Have a great weekend.  As always, please take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook.

The Forum Question of the Week #51

Hello all. Welcome back.  Last week's forum generated some great discussions.  One of those discussions involved the issue of frustration with the dominant partner when she isn't doing something that you think she should. It was raised in the context of the frustration indicating a lack of full submission, but I think there is something more worth exploring here.

A few weeks ago, I asked whether there might be a downside to DD, for either the giver or the receiver.  That stimulated some discussion about the responsibility inherent in being the dominant party in a DD relationship, but what about the issue of whether being the dominant party makes it harder for that party to work on their own stuff?  You know what I mean by "stuff"  -- bad habits, destructive behaviors, lack of self-discipline . . . all the stuff that many of us on the receiving end of a DD relationship hope will be addressed by our partner's stern application of the hairbrush, strap or paddle.  But, what about the impact on the improvement of our Disciplinary Wives?  Does a DD or FLR relationship potentially have a downside for both the dominant party and those living under their authority, if it encourages a sense that the dominant party doesn't have to work on their own behavior and correct it where necessary? I know there are some variations on the Spenser Spanking Plan in which either party can be disciplined for breaking an agreed-upon rule. I don't personally have an interest in exploring that, and it would muddle for me the lines of authority, but it would have the benefit of not allowing one party entirely off the hook.  Thoughts?

I hope you have a great weekend.  As always, please take a moment to add something to the Guestbook or contribute a user-created story (fiction or non-fiction).

The Forum Question of the Week #50

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Mine wasn't bad.  Less productive than I'd hoped; more so than I'd feared.

Sometimes I detect a confluence of sorts, in which multiple seemingly random events all seem to point in a particular direction or play to a particular theme.  Call it Karma or Fate or whatever, some force seems to be giving events a nudge in a way designed to get your attention.  Lately, I've had some of that going on with respect to the notion of "surrender."  It is a notion that covers a lot of ground.  On a philosophical or spiritual basis, it means getting better at surrendering to what is.  Accepting the current state of affairs, and accepting what will come, without as much desire to change or control them. Letting life come as it is.  In my work life, it means being at least a little bit more accepting of the notion that every once in awhile I may actually need to give in to the will of others who are above me in the pecking order. Does my use of a whole long string of qualifiers demonstrate just how resistant I am that particular form of "surrender"?  ;-)

In my marriage, it means giving up my power so my wife can have more.  It means giving in to her will even when my own wants to rebel and even when being bossed or ordered around cuts against the grain of every fiber of my being.  But, that equalization of power was something we were expressly shooting for when we adopted DD.  And, for me, the idea of really "surrendering," of giving up control in some deep, fundamental way, was at the seductively terrifying core of a DD relationship in which corporal punishment might bring me to tears, and those potential tears have to me always represented the ultimate show of surrender.

One of the strains nudging me toward paying some more attention to the idea of "surrender" was a series of posts in the I'm Hers blog at www.im-hers.blogspot.com.  The blog's author has been exploring his need to be subjected to a deeper, more challenging dominance. One of the quotes that really resonated with me:

My feelings are changing. I’m realizing the value of being broken by her (if that is the correct word).  I know that by becoming completely hers, by being more accountable, by reframing my view of ‘whose first’ to be Katie at all times, by conforming to her will strengthen our bond.  I want to give myself more fully (or should I say completely) to her. 

And this:


I had aha moment a several weeks ago. I came to see just how much I wish to have Katie take me completely. I need less freedom. I need more accountability. I need to be broken and made to make her my first priority, putting my wants second.  I need to gain a healthy fear of her, similar to the way a child both loves and fears a parent. (As Kathy would call this, I desire for Katie to completely snuff out any 'pocket of resistance' left in me. That to me is synonymous with 'being broken'.)

That does a pretty good job of summarizing what I was really looking for when we started our DD explorations, even if I might not have articulated quite that way at the time.  The line about needing to gain a healthy fear struck a particularly strong chord.

Is being "broken" or, to put in a slightly less threatening way, deeply surrendering yourself to your partner's will part of your relationship?  If it isn't yet, is that a goal for you or your partner?  If it is, how did it feel as it was happening?  How has the transition been?
Have a great week.

Dan

The Forum - Question of the Week #49

Happy Independence Day!  I hope you all had a relaxing, abbreviated work week.  Thanks to all the contributors to last week's discussion.  It was illuminating.  For me, it also was a bit reassuring.  When I started this blog, I really wanted it to be focused not on spanking per se, and not on Femdom to the extent that entails some kind of overall female superiority, but on Domestic Discipline.  I don't care a lot about how that is defined, but in general I want the blog to be about relationships in which the husband is subject to his wife's discipline when he strays into bad behavior.  That discipline sometimes, though not always, takes the form of corporal punishment, i.e. spanking. 

All these terms are fluid, and I try not to use them as part of an exclusionary process resulting in putting people into little boxes labeled "Us" and "Them." There is more than enough of that in the world.  But, I have wanted this blog to stay true to its original Domestic Discipline focus for the simple reason that there are plenty of blogs out there devoted to spanking, to Femdom, and to BDSM, but there just aren't that many that really focus on Domestic Discipline.   For years, it was just the Disciplinary Wives Club and a handful of Yahoo groups. 

Therefore, what I found reassuring about a lot of the responses to the last post was that the majority of the comments reflected the core elements of Domestic Discipline, i.e. using corporal and other punishment for disciplinary purposes.  While the element of the wife's dominance is inherent in a F/m DD relationship, it seems like a lot of this group are not interested in a more Femdom-oriented relationship in which it is more about female superiority and service/slave relationships. 

Now, I say this recognizing that my wife and I are injecting more of those "service" elements into our own relationship. But, we're really doing it not for its own sake but, rather, to help increase her confidence and assertiveness as a Disciplinary Wife.  While we have made a lot of progress over the years, we have just never quite gotten to where we want to be when it comes to her naturally, conspicuously and consistently assuming an assertive role.  So, we are over-compensating for awhile until the state we are aiming for becomes more natural.

I began this entry with the observation that there just aren't that many blogs devoted to Domestic Discipline of the F/m variety.  And, some of the best ones have fallen by the wayside.  (Recidivist, are you out there among our readers?)  So, this week's question is, why aren't there more blogs out there that focus on Domestic Discipline, and why do so many of the people who contribute to blogs like mine do so in wholly anonymous fashion, without even using a pseudonym? Is the lack of blogs in this area a function of the fact that there really aren't many people practicing Domestic Discipline?  Or, is it something else, like a fear of being outed?  And, what about those who post anonymously?  Is it, again, fear of being outed?  For the record, I too have that fear, but it's offset by a compulsion to communicate, as anonymous as they may be in the world of pseudonymous blogging, that doesn't seem to work as well without an identity that people can communicate with.

Hope you all have a great holiday weekend. Be safe!

Dan

The Forum - Question of the Week #48

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Last week's question provoked some great responses that entailed some reality testing regarding the extent to which each of us is really willing to take on a 24x7 Domestic Discipline role, whether as the giver of discipline or the receiver.  This week, I underwent a bit of unexpected reality testing of my own regarding the extent to which I am really ready for a full-on Female-Led Marriage, including in the context of being directed or led, but without spanking involved.



How am I reacting?  It's mixed.  Part of me is elated that she is stepping up into a role that we have talked about and talked about and talked about.  But, when she is actually bossing me around and I have to drop what I am doing to serve her, I resent it to my core.  I have always had such deeply ingrained anti-authoritarian tendencies--to the point that one could truthfully call it my defining characteristic--it is just really, really hard for me to take orders from another person without bristling.  I've learned to do it a bit in the work world (but only enough to avoid getting summarily fired), but to be subjected to someone's orders at home is a new experience.

Well, at least, it is a new experience when it is happening as part of our daily interactions, as opposed to when she is informing me that I am going to be punished or when we are in the middle of a punishment session.

Which brings me to this week's question:  Would you still be into the idea of a Female-Led domestic discipline relationship if it did not involve spanking?  What if the spanking aspect were wholly removed and it was, instead, just about living under someone else's direction or control?  Or, for our Disciplinary Wives, is the spanking element of your DD relationship a necessary part of it for you, or would you be OK with the relationship if you got to exercise control over your mate but spanking was not part of the picture?

I hope you all have a great weekend.  As always, take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook or contribute something to the User Stories.

Dan

Question of the Week #49 - And Re-Opened Poll

Happy Friday to everyone.  I am not going to be close to a computer for most of the day tomorrow, so I decided to get an early start on this week's question.  Before we get to it, however, I wanted to point out the poll on the right side of this blog page.  I put it up some time ago, but Blogger's poll gadget was not working for the last several weeks.  It now appears to be working again, so please take a couple of seconds to tell us your status.

This week's question is a bit of a reaction to one of the comments on last week's question.  One of our readers had commented that his wife spanks him after he has an orgasm, as it takes the "fun" element out of the spanking.  I quipped that we have not done that, and I really don't want to, as I want to be disciplined, but perhaps not that much.  Another commenter then observed: "Dan to say you want to be really disciplined .. but not that much doesnt show to me at least, that you are ready to hand over control or even have controlled seized from you."

For the most part, I disagree with that comment, but it depends a bit on what the commenter means by "ready" to hand over control.  I am ready in terms of knowing that I do want to give up control.  And, if my wife would simply seize it from me -- even better.  But, that doesn't mean that I find giving up control to be easy.  Not in the slightest.  And, for us, that is kind of the point.  I am a naturally controlling personality, and my intensity level is pretty high.  But, I know I would be a happier, better adjusted person if I could learn to temper my controlling nature.  And, that is why I was so fascinated by domestic discipline when I first stumbled across the concept.  Fascinated, but also truly terrified at the thought of giving up control in that way.  Particularly when I read stories about men crying from their wife's spanking.  Sobbing during a spanking would, in my view, be the ultimate act of surrendering to my wife's authority.  But, the fact that it still has not happened is some indication that I have not fully surrendered.

So, I am "ready" to hand over control, in terms of I do want to do it, but I also recognize that it is a work in progress, and part of me really resists it.  And, I find the non-spanking elements of a DD or FLR relationship the hardest part.  My wife and I have talked a lot about her being more dominant outside the context of a punishment session.  Really taking control 24/7, bossing me around more, telling me exactly what she wants me to do, etc.  And, we've talked about trying non-spanking punishments, such as grounding me for bad behavior.  I do believe that our relationship will go in that direction over time, but I also find it very, very hard to submit to it now.  When she does order me to something, I resent it and always feel myself wanting to rebel.  At those times, my commitment to DD is shaky.

So, that is my question for those who are in a DD or FLR relationship:  Does it ever just seem too hard sometimes? Do you ever regret adopting a DD or FLR lifestyle.  Or, on the other hand, is submission something that you find natural and easy?  Also, I've asked this before, but I still want to get more answers:  If your partner did not start out as the dominant, controlling party, how did she grow into that role, and were there particular things you did to reinforce it?

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Dan

The Forum Question of the Week #48

Hi all.  Welcome back.

Confession time here at the Forum.  As is often the case, I come into this weekend tired and in recovery mode.  My job requires a lot of traveling, and a lot of socializing with customers and others.  And, when I'm not out with customers, there are the constant temptations to go out to discuss something with a colleague, over a drink.  Or a junior member of the team wants career advice, over a drink.  Or we got a major victory and everyone wants to celebrate, over a drink.  The net result is that most weeks, I hit Saturday and, instead of being able to really enjoy it,  I'm trying to recover enough energy such that I can start the whole cycle over again on Monday.

I bring this up in the context of our domestic discipline situation.  My tendency to let the workplace alcohol consumption, the late nights, and the intensity of the job get out of hand were some of the reasons we started down this DD path in the first place.  Yet, while we've made progress, ten years down the line the original problems still have not been fixed.  While I have to take 90% of the responsibility, I will place the remaining 10% on one factor: lack of consistency in our FLR and DD activities.  We have never quite gotten to where my wife really is exercising her power over me 24/7, fully embracing it and making me submit to her wishes, including her wish that I stop some of the unhealthy habits and pull back on the frenetic pace.  And, a lot of my bad behavior goes unpunished, often because our lives are so busy and there are kid and other distractions.

So, this week's question is really two related questions, one of which appeared recently over on Hermione's Heart.   First, have you had times when bad behavior went unpunished, and you knew you really needed a spanking, but it didn't happen?  Did you do anything about it?  How does it make you feel and impact your FLR or DD relationship?  Second, for those of you who have made that jump to a real, consistent FLR relationship, where the wife exercise firm, consistent control, how did you get there?  On the latter question, I would love to hear from some our DD wives on how they made the mental leap into the full-blown leader in the relationship.

Have a great week.

Dan

The Forum Question of the Weel #48

Hi all.  Welcome back.  I hope you had a good week.  Let's keep this week's topic both timely and simple:  Tell us about the last spanking you received or gave.  What did you do (if anything) to deserve it?   Where did it happen?  What implements were used? 

So, share with our little group:  What was your last spanking encounter, whether on the giving or receiving end?  I may move some comments to the User Stories tab, which is still pretty light on content, so please let me know if you would prefer I not do that.

 And, as always, please take a moment to fill in the Guestbook.

The Forum Question of the Week #47: What's in a Name?

Hello all.  Welcome back after an abbreviated work week.  This week's question extends from a discussion I got into over the course of commenting on an entry on another blog.  This particular blog has Femdom in its title, and in that context my comment included a reference to "Doms."  The author corrected me, saying that she usually does not refer to herself with that word, preferring the term Mistress Wife. The next week, there was a discussion about male subs and the word "sissy."  The discussion was engaging, as many different readers commented on their own or their spouse's personality and how it fits or does not fit that particular label.

And, it is that issue of labeling that is the impetus for this week's topic.   We humans seem genetically predisposed to putting ourselves, and everyone around us, into little boxes.   If you take any relatively homogonized group of people and leave them to their own devices for some period of time, they will almost instantly start breaking down their little group into sub-groups and assigning themselves and everyone else into groups made up of "us" and "them."  Whole psychological and sociological treatises have been devoted to the human proclivity for separating our brethren into groups based on personal differences, real or imagined.

We in the is community of people who engage in spanking-related activities are hardly immune from this desire to separate and label.  On one hand, it can be unhealthy, and we are might be better off if were to focus more on what makes us similar instead of what makes us different.  On the other hand, differences in what we do and what we are trying to accomplish helps us engage others with similar interests and may spark some genuine discussion about not only what we do, but how and why.  So, while I think labeling can dangerous to the extent it is divisive and exclusionary, it can be healthy to the extent it encourages people to learn about other people and practices and to approach them in an open and non-judgmental way.  And, for purposes of this particular post, I'm just curious as to what the breakdown among our readership is between people who are focused on domestic discipline versus other variants of spanking-oriented relationship, within the context of welcoming them all to enjoy the blog and join in the discussion.

So, if you had to assign a label to your particular relationship or to your interest in this subject, what would it be:  domestic discipline, Femdom, BDSM, simply spanko, or other?  And, how do you describe yourself and your partner in terms of your role: disciplinary wife, disciplined husband, top, bottom, mistress, sub, or something else?  And, as you may have noticed, I have a real curiosity around how these labels conform, if at all, to how you act and see yourself outside of the spanking activity, whether at your job, in your interactions with others, etc.  So, without  judging or excluding, let's talk about how we do this thing we do and what distinguishes what we do from the other varieties of spanking-oriented activities.

I hope you all have a great week.  As always, please take a minute to fill in the Guestbook if you haven't in the past or have something new you feel like sharing.

Dan

Question of the Week #46

Hi all.  Welcome back.  I hope you had a great week and than you in the U.S. are enjoying the long weekend.

This week's question was inspired by the small tiff between two of our readers regarding anonymous posting.  As I pointed out, the vast majority of those who post on this blog do so anonymously.  And, the few who comment using some kind of identity use a fake name or a profile with no information.  So, let's explore that issue a bit.  Why do YOU post anonymously?  What are the key reasons that make you unwilling to post anything in you own name?  Job repercussions?  Social stigma?  Family will be embarrassed or won't approve?  And, why post completely anonymously instead of creating a Google or Yahoo account with a fake profile?  Do you have a desire to be more open about your DD and spanking relationship or desires? Finally, is there a downside to your decision to stay anonymous? Does it inhibit communicating or building relationships with other FLR-ers?  For the women, does it keep you from blossoming into a stronger dominant partner?

My own reasons for posting anonymously are multifaceted.  I do think there would be repercussions in my career if I were open about being in an FLR marriage.  Submissiveness is not a quality that gets someone very far in my work world.  Also, we do have kids, and I wouldn't want them to be embarrassed.  Finally, my wife is far less of an exhibitionist than I, and she is not anywhere close to be willing to be "outed," and she also would probably face career repercussions.  But, I do think that her reluctance to be more open about being the dominant partner in our relationship keeps her from stepping more fully into that role.  Kathy at http://femdom101.blogspot.com/  recently noted that one thing that helped her embrace her Dom role was having a small group of similarly situated women to discuss the lifestyle with.

Personally, if you removed the career and family issues, I don't think I would be overly concerned about social stigma.  And, I do think about what it would be like to be totally open about this aspect of my life.   And, although I have not been willing to out myself, I also feel like I need to have some identity, even if part of it is fictitious.

So, what are your thoughts on this?  Thank you in advance for your responses.  Enjoy your weekend, and be safe out there.

Dan