In discussing last week's topic, I had an exchange with Anna, in which I invited her to submit her story, thoughts, any contribution she wants to make. While Anna may or may not want to take me up on it right now, it got me thinking that since I just allowed you to ask me anything, I would like to turn the tables. I don't have questions for each of you individually so, instead, let's open up the microphone to one and all, with this question to frame the discussion a bit:
What is it about spanking and/or DD that brings you to this blog every week? We just talked a bit about what brought me to it, and what I get out of it. What about you? Why is this something attracts you, maybe even to the point of an obsession? Whether you are the giver or the receiver, what does it do for you?
And, what is it that you want to get out of it, even if you haven't achieved it yet?
Instead of leaving this for someone to kick off, I'll do so myself.
If I had to pick the one thing I want to get out of this thing we do, it is to lose all composure. All control. I want her to take me to a place where I can't take it any more. I want to resist and resist and finally break down sobbing.
I want to stand there waiting for her, humbly, knowing what she about to do to me. Sensing no mercy from her as I stand in front of her . . . waiting.
I want her to make me pull down my pants. Doing it at her command. Not just knowing that I am about to get a spanking. But knowing that it is one that is going to leave me sobbing. That sense of terror at the inevitability. Knowing that once they come down it will end only after I am crying. Sobbing. And, not even then will it stop.
And, finally, it will all be over.
That is what I want. You?
Dan
Good question Dan. For me it's all about submission. If she is going to spank me for whatever reason she will tell me to clean up. That means first an enema, given to myself then a shower. The reason for the enema is she may want to use a butt plug on me during spanking, she may want to finger me during the spanking or after she may want to peg me. While giving myself the enema and showering I'm thinking of the spanking I'm about to get and wondering what she will use. This makes me very excited and hard. After the shower I stand before her nude hands on head and wait her orders. While she gives me orders she is usually fondling my hard cock. The orders are along the line of what color panties she wants me to have, and what implements I'm to lay out and where I should lay them. Once all is set up again I stand before her hands behind my head while she tells me about the spanking I'm about to receive. Then she will lower my panties to my knees and I go OTK for a hand or wooden spoon spanking. From there we will move on to other positions and other implements. During the spanking I'm enjoying the sting. Lots of ouching, owing and feet kicking and wiggling my bottom. I'm super submissive at this time and loving the fact that she is spanking me. She spanks quite hard but she has yet to bring me to tears but some day I'd like to be in that space. When the spanking is over many times she will peg me, she loves doing that when I have a sore red bottom. After she has a climax pegging me then she has other options. She might want me to enter her and give her another climax, she may desire I service her orally. If I'm not allowed to enter her she will have me masturbate for her or she will masturbate me. For us it's about the trip then arriving at the end.
ReplyDeletearchedone
I think you have probably come close to describing what I seek Dan. I think it may be related to childhood experiences. The need to feel loved and held close and firmly and unconditionally loved no matter what wrongs one has done. A small child is vulnerable and ideally can show its vulnerability to its mother and receive love in return. I have so many battles in my life and so many responsibilities but underneath it all may be this small boy who can go crying to his momma and she may spank and she ay scold but she will held me firmly and love me no matter what. I think I have this need to be completely honest and to bare myself to my nearest and dearest but its not always easy to do that. It feels like the layers of pretence that I build up during my working week with all of its responsibilities sometimes hardens into a shell and make me into a complete pain in the arse for everyone around me, It may be that being given a severe pain in my own arse (my own wife uses the cane) to the point of surrender is a speedy and salutary way of penetrating this shell and getting to the boy underneath and arriving at some kind of truthful emotional connection. I am only guessing but it may be that those who crave corporal punishment from our spouses have some difficulties with intimacy and have found a way of connecting that otherwise eludes us. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteDan, DittoToWhatYouSaid
ReplyDeleteTommy, I agree with you that part of my need for DD is driven by the desire to bare myself, to be totally open and vulnerable. Where my own motivation may be a little different than yours is I don't feel like the need to receive unconditional love is a major part of it, unless it is defined as something like "I love you so much that I'm going to beat your ass until you act like the man you should be." I don't know whether that meets the definition of "unconditional." For me, it's not so much craving someone to love me unconditionally but, rather, wanting someone who will keep me accountable. And, I definitely agree that the stress and responsibilities of work are a major component of the need I feel to be controlled. I feel like I live my life daily life trying to control everything around me, and that sometimes involves holding other people accountable. Sometimes, I just need someone to do that with me -- to call me out when I haven't met an agreed-upon standard and to make me pay a price for that.
ReplyDeleteI think what I meant by the unconditional love thing, was that it may be that one can only bare oneself and be truly vulnerable to a partner who you know loves you for what you are in will not reject you. I think that is what I mean by unconditional love and for my part I could not bare myself completely to anyone in whom i did not have that confidence. I could not expose myself in that way if I felt that it could result in rejection.
ReplyDeleteUnderstood. For that reason, I really can't imagine entering into a real DD relationship in the absence of long standing trust. I can't imagine even asking for it. I still remember the night I asked me wife to consider it as one of the most nerve-racking of my life. I was a nervous wreck just broaching the subject. There may be a few people out there who are so secure that they never fear rejection. I'm definitely not one of them.
DeleteHi! It's Susie. I never ever even imagined myself in a full time situation with someone like my sweet hubby. For me, that was the stuff of dreams. Just as imaginary as unicorns.
ReplyDeleteI'd been a Dominant for many years, with only one live-in sub, and his fetish wasn't spanking, when that ended abruptly, I quit, except for an over the phone sub that I sometimes sent a girlfriend to check on. Even that eventually bored me, so I quit bothering. A few years ago, a series of events happened, and I met my hubby at a spanking party. He wasn't my "type" at all, but he was quiet and he took a good beating. Now we're married.
What do I get? I get the satisfaction of knowing that he loves me and is obedient. He knows what is expected of him, and he cooperates. I call the shots.
About you, Dan. I appreciate what you've done, and what you're doing here. I look forward to coming here each week and seeing what you have to say. Reading comments from the regular male contributors gives me insight on how each of you are from different walks of life, but you all feel the need and desire domestic discipline from a caring and loving woman.
I like how each man speaks of his wife with such glowing terms, and how there's so much love there.I know my husband doesn't actually enjoy the spanking itself, it's more that he enjoys what happens before and after.
Thank you for making this a safe place to come to week after week.
A loving and obedient husband in a relationship where you call the shots . . . sure sounds like a lot to like!
DeleteAs always, thanks, Susie! For continuing to contribute and for the kind words.
It is indeed a safe and intelligent place to come and visit and to contribute. A rare and precious thing in itself. Makes the others pale into insignificance I know I have said this before Dan, but it needs saying again. I hope all those who feel the love for Dan and his splendid and illuminating website will show it even if they have nothing else to say or contribute. There is nothing else like it that I know. Am I right or am I right ?
ReplyDeleteGod bless you Dan
Thanks, Tommy! I'll try to live up to your and Susie's compliments. Safe and intelligent seems like such a low bar, yet somehow it seems really hard to achieve, or at least to sustain. In the time we've been practicing DD, I have come across four or five other F/m-oriented DD blogs that I loved and that met the safe and intelligent threshold and then some, but one by one the authors either shut them down or stopped writing. I don't know whether they just run out of things to say, or if they become concerned about being "outed," or just lose interest in the topic. Or, do they start feeling that pressure to come up with something new and interesting to say is too hard? I can't say I haven't struggled from time to time with what I want this blog to be. I like the weekly topic format, but I sometimes do want to post a topic that is more like a journal entry, such as on the I'm Hers blog or some of the DD blogs that used to be around like the one by the blogger formerly known as Recidivist. But, it's those more confessional blogs that don't seem to last. Anyway, thanks again for the kind thoughts. I appreciate them all.
DeleteI am usually just a lurker here. The only spankings I actually get from my wife are an occasional playful spanking. I don't actually know what I want out of getting spanked and I definitely don't understand why I want it. I read this blog because it gives my brain some fodder to help me sort that out.
ReplyDeleteDan, your question is a good one, regarding what we as readers get out receiving/giving spanking and/or DD. It's a question I've asked myself for a long time and one I've discussed with my wife on several occasions. I think what I want most out of this is to reach a point where my spouse feels empowered to dole out discipline as she sees fit, and to be consistent about it so that it's a part of our every day relationship. I don't necessarily crave her spanking me to the point where I lose composure, (although that would be a fine result), but I do seek consistency. The threat of punishment is always there, but sometimes the follow through is not. I want to know that punishment will follow as a result of my failure in some area. I think coming to this blog helps me to understand that there are a number of other men and women who have similar desires and it makes discussing this with my wife easier. After a recent trip over her lap for a session with her new hairbrush paddle, we discussed how each of us felt. I told her I could take it even harder, even though her efforts left me with a very red behind. I'm sure next time she'll put me to the test.
ReplyDeleteRob, I agree, the need for consistency is a big hurdle, and one we have not fully crossed. It is very hard when you have bared yourself to someone and expect to pay a price, and there is no follow up on their part. Totally get it.
DeleteWhat brings me to your blog every week is that there are so many ideas and experiences discussed. Living in a female led relationship is not something that we can discuss every day with friends and this blog is one of the very few places on the internet where there is actually a sensible discussion about the subject.
ReplyDeleteSo what attracts me to corporal punishment? I have an inbuilt ‘need’ to feel the cane but I’ve no idea why that is – expect that corporal punishment is a subject that’s fascinated me for as long as I can remember.
But that’s doesn’t mean I enjoy it – or, more importantly, that I want to enjoy it. In fact, like you, I’ve always wanted to be pushed beyond my limit of taking the pain. It’s like some deep cathartic medicine that’s needed to assuage me of the guilt feelings that build in me over a period of time.
I think that’s because if I really analyse how I behave, there are things about myself that I don’t like. There’s nothing terrible, but I know I can be overbearing and opinionated. I can cut people short and be deliberately rude if I’m dealing with someone who I don’t really like. I’m also lazy and self-centred.
So perhaps, over the years, I’ve subconsciously adopted the corporal punishment I receive from Mistress as a means of penance for my faults.
What do I get from it? A sense of cleansing. And a feeling of the stresses of every day life being lifted. Plus a deep feeling of love for Mistress who has take the time and care to give me what I really do need.
Mistress and I have discussed this at length many times but it’s hard to articulate my feelings and we’ve simply put it down to a ‘need’. Mistress is also well aware of certain aspects of behavior she doesn’t like in me and is only too happy to correct them.
I’ve always felt that for corporal punishment to be effective in (consenting) adults the recipient has to be pushed beyond his limits and Mistress always ensures this is that case. But just at the point where I’m pushed over the edge and really starting to suffer, she stops.
We’ve reached the point, as I’ve said before, where I no longer encourage Mistress to cane me. In fact I do anything to avoid it.
But what we need is a little more consistency in our FLR – it ebbs and flows far too much for both of us. And it needs Mistress to assume an ever stricter role. But perhaps that is fantasy on my part and I might struggle with her in an ever more dominant role.
However, like you, what I’d like (need) to experience, is being punished to the point where I lose composure completely. I’m not sure how it would affect me psychologically, being in tears and begging Mistress for it to stop – but I think only then does this kind of punishment become ‘real’ and have any kind of deterrent effect that we desire in a DD regime.
I’m not talking about this as a one-off experience either. I think our relationship would benefit with this level of discipline on a regular basis, because, let’s face it, having a real deterrent effect, is why all of us are using corporal punishment as part of our relationship.
This is all very consistent with my own experiences. Regarding losing composure, while it is something I do hope happens for us and it is something I have been both attracted to and terrified of since virtually the start of our DD experimentation, I think it probably was a good thing that it did not happen early on. Had I lost all composure and been reduced to tears early on, I think that might have scared my wife away from the whole thing. I think that for most otherwise vanilla wives, in the beginning there is a natural reluctance to really "hurt" their spouse. At least in my wife's case, it took quite some time before she was really comfortable giving a truly nasty punishment spanking. I think she could have easily felt guilty if one of the early spankings had reduced me to tears, even if I assured her that it was OK.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you are right about that Dan. I think 'Respecting Mistress' expresses things really well in his post at 10.40. The need for atonement is very strong in me. Like RM I behave in ways that I don't like and my wife does certainly does not like. When I am disciplined it puts the world to rights. The caning itself is unbearable but I bear it, somehow. Like RM I need it because of the feelings before an after. There are undeniable sexual feelings mixed in there too. That is probably not surprising seeing that as I think Freud said, there is a run underground river of sex that runs strongly beneath the surface in so many aspects of our lives. Or words to that effect anyway.
ReplyDeleteI can remember one caning that I received where it so was justified and so well deserved that I do not remember it evening hurting at all although it was an absolutely monumental punishment event. All that I can recall is the feeling of justice and rightness and true submission as each stroke fell. I behaved like an angel after that. Well for a while anyway (he he...)
Yeah, that is kind of my pattern. Atone for bad behavior, do better for awhile, then go do it again.
DeleteI guess I want to be better at what I've agreed to, namely being obedient. I am submissive and I do obey a lot....but I want to be better. As far as Rosa is concerned, she is quite comfortable in her role and her belief and acceptance of the dominant role is genuine. She sees this all as natural and appropriate. I also like coming here to read because off the feedback from other real couples doing this. It makes sense to seek input from people with real experience.
ReplyDelete