Saturday, May 31, 2014

The Forum Question of the Week #47: What's in a Name?

Hello all.  Welcome back after an abbreviated work week.  This week's question extends from a discussion I got into over the course of commenting on an entry on another blog.  This particular blog has Femdom in its title, and in that context my comment included a reference to "Doms."  The author corrected me, saying that she usually does not refer to herself with that word, preferring the term Mistress Wife. The next week, there was a discussion about male subs and the word "sissy."  The discussion was engaging, as many different readers commented on their own or their spouse's personality and how it fits or does not fit that particular label.

And, it is that issue of labeling that is the impetus for this week's topic.   We humans seem genetically predisposed to putting ourselves, and everyone around us, into little boxes.   If you take any relatively homogonized group of people and leave them to their own devices for some period of time, they will almost instantly start breaking down their little group into sub-groups and assigning themselves and everyone else into groups made up of "us" and "them."  Whole psychological and sociological treatises have been devoted to the human proclivity for separating our brethren into groups based on personal differences, real or imagined.

We in the is community of people who engage in spanking-related activities are hardly immune from this desire to separate and label.  On one hand, it can be unhealthy, and we are might be better off if were to focus more on what makes us similar instead of what makes us different.  On the other hand, differences in what we do and what we are trying to accomplish helps us engage others with similar interests and may spark some genuine discussion about not only what we do, but how and why.  So, while I think labeling can dangerous to the extent it is divisive and exclusionary, it can be healthy to the extent it encourages people to learn about other people and practices and to approach them in an open and non-judgmental way.  And, for purposes of this particular post, I'm just curious as to what the breakdown among our readership is between people who are focused on domestic discipline versus other variants of spanking-oriented relationship, within the context of welcoming them all to enjoy the blog and join in the discussion.

So, if you had to assign a label to your particular relationship or to your interest in this subject, what would it be:  domestic discipline, Femdom, BDSM, simply spanko, or other?  And, how do you describe yourself and your partner in terms of your role: disciplinary wife, disciplined husband, top, bottom, mistress, sub, or something else?  And, as you may have noticed, I have a real curiosity around how these labels conform, if at all, to how you act and see yourself outside of the spanking activity, whether at your job, in your interactions with others, etc.  So, without  judging or excluding, let's talk about how we do this thing we do and what distinguishes what we do from the other varieties of spanking-oriented activities.

I hope you all have a great week.  As always, please take a minute to fill in the Guestbook if you haven't in the past or have something new you feel like sharing.



  1. Susie here. Hello, and such a great topic, but I need some time to fully think this out.There's been quite a bit of evolution in my relationship with my sweet husband. See you later!

  2. Again with my wife and I back in the 60’s and 70’s neither of us had heard any of the terms used today. I did not have a lot of friends during our marriage but I would think those that knew us would have called me “HENPECKED”. They would have called my wife controlling or dominate.

    About 3 years after my divorce I moved away from the area and met a lady that spanks me, we do not have a dating relationship, I do part time work for her, so it would be a employee/employer relationship. We do not have any terms for what happens, I do have a term for her that she does not hear (BITCH). I only say it to myself and I say it in a laughing matter, I am thankful to have her.

    I may post more latter on the subject, I do not like the term MISTRESS, to me it sounds professional.


    1. Hadn't thought of "henpecked." That's a good one! We tried Mistress a few times when we were first starting out, but my wife really didn't like it. During discipline or when we're communicating formally about discipline, I call her "Ma'am."

    2. Dan, I would have liked to know if my Mother-in-law and my wife's BF had any terms for me. It would have said a lot about what and how they thought about it.


  3. I am new to this site so I may misapply terms. I think mostly I am a spanko with a wife who have brought along slowly to spank me but she herself is not a spanko . She does it because I ask for it and as sometimes I request it when I am down, she does it for my own good. In this sense I relate to the disciplinary wives or disciplined husband perspective. She can give a pretty severe hair brush paddling, bare bottom and usually over the knee. She usually is quite sympathetic in her demeanor.
    But I am very interested and stimulated by spanking. So I think I am a spanko who could have gone the way of " playing " but sit on the edge of a disciplined husband. I think.

    1. No worries about misapplying terms. One of the reasons I wanted to explore this topic is because I'm not sure any of these terms have much objective meaning. Yet, I can't count how many times I've seen people get into nasty on-line exchanges about supposedly mis-using a term or--horror of horrors--because someone said something supposedly inconsistent with being a "real" [add your preferred label] because they weren't doing things the way some self-appointed expert or disciple of a particular lifestyle believes things "must" be done for someone to claim that particular label.

  4. Dan

    It seems for each of us who come to have domestic discipline become an important part of our lives, the road is varied and also as in my case has changed or evolved as both my wife and I
    have become mature adults. My accepting her rules and her punishments has made me a better
    executive in my field. My submission to her has empowered her in her life and has made her
    more secure and enabled her to become as the Marines say " All that you can be ".
    This evening of the playing field has made my wife a good friend and has made me strive to be
    a better lover. When I, like you ,address her in a "session " as Ma'am, I say it with the same
    amount of caring and respect that I do when I call her Darling!

    Peter B.

    path and our perception

  5. We have a Female Led Relationship and practice Domestic Discipline. I am bound to refer to my partner as Mistress. She sometimes refers to me as Boi - but normally uses my chrisitian name in full (which always means I'm in trouble!).

    I consider myself a submissive male but Mistress says I fall far short of being submissive, which is why I need regular correction. Her thought is that I like to think of myself as submissive but her opinion is that while it might be a desire, I fall very short of living up to the term!

    We don't advertise our FLR outside of the home but I'm sure there are signs that Mistress takes the lead roles in several aspects of our relations - when viewed from the perspective of those with 'vanilla' relationships.

    What they don't realises is, as Anonymous above alludes to, is that I'm a better person since my real faults are kept in check by Mistress. And Mistress has redicovered her confidence that was lost in a previous miserable relationship.

    In our jobs we both have to be quite assertive - and while Mistress finds this comes naturally and can give instruction, it's not something I'm comfortable, even though it's part of my daily work.

    You also ask, 'what distinguishes what we do from the other varieties of spanking-oriented activities?' In our case there are no longer an other spanking-orientated activities as we've chosen the use corporal punishment purely for real corrective purposes.

    I would argue that when our FLR is in full flow (it does tend to ebb as well as flow, as I've often alluded to), the last thing my bottom would need is some playful spanking sessions, lol!

  6. OFF TOPIC - Hi folks, I was enjoying posting regularly here for a while but then work got very busy - it goes in cycles like that - so hopefully I can rejoin the conversation again soon. But, I did want to share - in case it hasn't been posted already - that there is something of a replica DWC site set up at - It has quite a bit of the original material - so you might want to visit - and perhaps download some of the material for safe keeping in case this "archive site" doesn't last. Best to all - and bottoms up!

  7. Now, back "on topic" (I wrote the preceding post as well, but forgot to sign it). We use the terms "maternal style" domestic discipline or "disciplinary wife lifestyle" or similar to describe our lifestyle - not that we actually discuss it with very many folks in real life (although there are a couple of ladies who know). We would describe ourselves as disciplinary wife and disciplined husband. Our particular implementation of this lifestyle was heavily influenced by the DWC website and our association with Aunt Kay and other DWC couples in her group (virtual and phone only) - and our philosophy is reflective of Aunt Kay's as was espoused on the DWC website. My wife does sometimes employ further disciplinary measures that Aunt Kay would not have discussed on her site - but they are all just to reinforce the spanking discipline in special ways depending upon the need. --Al

  8. Well, let's see:
    When we first got together, it was as Top and bottom.
    Not long thereafter, we signed a contract as Dominant and submissive.
    Not long after that, we changed it to Mistress and slave.
    Three months after that, we got married, and modified it to Dominant wife and submissive husband.

  9. We have struggled to find terms we are comfortable with. My wife hate being called "ma'am" because she associates that with the way people address older women. She associates the word "mistress" with a husband's extra marital affair. We didn't find a good term until we watched a courtroom scene in a movie in which everyone addressed the judge as "your honour." Since then, whenever we are discussing my behavior, I address her as "your honour." We are still debating how she should address me during such conversations. During ordinary conversation or in front of others we just call each other by our names.

    1. I never would have thought of "Your Honour" as an Femdom or DD term of endearment. Awesome!

  10. Hi! It's Susie. I am "Mistress", my husband is "submissive", not a "sissy" or even a "cuckold."

    My relationship with my husband has always been BDSM, so the term "Mistress" does not offend me. After we got married, my submissive introduced me to the idea of a female led domestic discipline relationship. Sometimes I think I'm "doing it wrong" but I know we all have our own way of doing things. My husband always enjoyed spanking. I did not introduce it to him, but I have introduced him to many other pleasures

  11. We like to think of ourselves as "husband" and "wife" - with the tacit understanding that "wife" is the one who rules the roost, and decides when - and how - to deal with (my) breaches of domestic discipline. She does it swiftly (and effectively!) and this is followed - after some "corner time" at her discretion - with some delightful "making up"...



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