Hello all. Welcome back. Last week's forum generated some great discussions. One of those discussions involved the issue of frustration with the dominant partner when she isn't doing something that you think she should. It was raised in the context of the frustration indicating a lack of full submission, but I think there is something more worth exploring here.
A few weeks ago, I asked whether there might be a downside to DD, for either the giver or the receiver. That stimulated some discussion about the responsibility inherent in being the dominant party in a DD relationship, but what about the issue of whether being the dominant party makes it harder for that party to work on their own stuff? You know what I mean by "stuff" -- bad habits, destructive behaviors, lack of self-discipline . . . all the stuff that many of us on the receiving end of a DD relationship hope will be addressed by our partner's stern application of the hairbrush, strap or paddle. But, what about the impact on the improvement of our Disciplinary Wives? Does a DD or FLR relationship
potentially have a downside for both the dominant party and those living
under their authority, if it encourages a sense that the dominant party
doesn't have to work on their own behavior and correct it where
necessary? I know there are some variations on the Spenser Spanking
Plan in which either party can be disciplined for breaking an
agreed-upon rule. I don't personally have an interest in exploring
that, and it would muddle for me the lines of authority, but it would have the benefit of not allowing one party entirely
off the hook. Thoughts?
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Saturday, July 19, 2014
13 comments:
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It's Susie again. This is so very timely, especially considering my current situation. I have quite a bit to share, but I'm heading out to work. I will return.
ReplyDeleteI can only speak for our DD regime but we decided to pursue a FLR based on the fact that I am submissive, we discovered Mistress has a dominant persona, and that I was the one letting the relationship down, as it were, by my general lazy and sometimes over-bearing character.
ReplyDeleteIn accepting a DD regime, I agreed to Mistress’ authority and her discipline. Mistress would be the first to accept that she is not perfect, but as far as our relationship goes, I accept her as she is and I certainly accept her authority. And I don’t see it could work for me to suddenly question he faults and suggest she is spanked for them – especially as one of our golden rules is ‘never question Mistress.’
I think any male, who is truly submissive to the authority of a Lady, would never question her and would never suggest punishing her for any faults he cares to find.
I’m sure there are relationship where such a scheme would work but it would hardly be a real Female Led Relationship then – in my view. As you say such a notion would simply confuse the line of authority.
That was our situation when we discovered DD -- me being overbearing and letting down the relationship. The overbearing part was one of they main reasons I wanted to try DD; I wanted something to balance those overbearing tendencies.
DeleteOne needs to remember to appreciate all three words in FLR, the last being "relationship". We live this lifestyle as seriously and intensely as we can, but......it's still a relationship. If one party, dominant or otherwise, behaves inappropriately, the recourse may be different, but the potential damage to the overall health of the relationship is still in jeopardy. Therefore, I would think two reasonable people would understand that even if only one of them is spanked, and even if one is ostensibly the leader, the leader's behavior still needs to be consistent with what is best for the couple and the relationship. Otherwise, even the person who has chosen to obey is still free to change their mind and say, "you know, if you are going to act this way, this isn't going to last." I'm not saying to challenge every little thing, but if the Top gets a bad case of Top's Disease, things are going to eventually sour, submissive desire or not.
ReplyDeleteVery well said. Tanks, KD.
DeleteI think you can't - or shouldn't! - totally submit to somebody who is themselves in the thrall of some toxic compulsion. That just makes you an enabler. You could, I suppose, make your submission contingent on agreed goals.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I rely on lots of talking and communicating to deal with problems, and when he feels I’m being unfair or neglecting part of what he expects (wants) from me, He either asks to talk, or he will write it on his journal or diary.
ReplyDeleteI’m not patting myself on the back, because I know my imperfections, and I think that, as the Dominant female, I do a pretty good job of self-discipline. However, I agree that sometimes I needa good spanking. So, what’s a Dominant to do?
I ask for it, as in, request it. I realize that it might be very similar to the Spenser plan, but I have other people in my life who can give me one. A bare hand on my bare behind, OTK, has what I call a “settling” effect. On the rare occasion I request that my husband give me one, he has no doubt in his mind that I am in charge. I tell him what, when, where, and for how long. He knows that if he messes up, he will pay for it. I feel it only accentuates my authority over him.
We also have a treat system. If I need to finish a report, all I need to do is tell him about it. We mutually decide on a treat I will get when it is completed (perhaps dinner out, or a massage) and if I complete the task on time, I get it. Self-discipline is perhaps my most difficult thing. So does this make me perfect? No, but I feel better that we both work to help me take care of my faults too.
Susie
Thanks, Susie. Your discussion of the need to maintain communication emphasizes one of my pet peeves, i.e. the notion of "topping from below," which some seem to apply any time a submissive ventures an opinion about what he needs. As KD Pierre says above, Female Led Relationships are still "relationships," and if both parties aren't getting what they need out of it, what's the point? Sounds like you and your husband have come up with something that works for you.
DeleteIn case I wasn't clear, I meant you have come up with something that works for you BOTH.
DeleteYes. Both... He still needs some work, but I think we're getting there. I blame his chronic depression (he's seeing as doctor for it) and the simple "ebb and flow" that all relationships have. Like the Rolling Stones say, "Time is on my side."
DeleteSusie
There are several comments here that resonate, the "topping from below" concept has occurred to both of us given that it was Bart who introduced the idea of DD and it took a while for me to be persuaded that the idea had merit in our marriage. He also is often depressed but I find a trip over my knee can often snap him out of it. It is however the complete atmosphere of discipline, the scolding the corner time and other chores that accompany the discipline that seem to help his mood.we have revisited our rules frequently to make sure we both operating with a clear understanding of what behavior constitutes correction. In addition to spankings I have found other maternal type disciplines that make him feel as though his childish actions will be treated as a loving mother might have dealt with him. He had a tendency to use foul or demeaning language when he gets angry so recently before spanking him I washed his mouth with ivory soap. I always make it clear that his punishment is for violating our rules.
DeleteInteresting.
ReplyDeleteMerry and I are putting the finishing touches on what seems to be our fifth or sixth written Household & FLR-DD & BDSM 'agreement', and within it have incorporated parts of the Spencer (notice the correct spelling) Plan, modified to suit us, and added a few provisions under which SHE would be subject to corporal punishment (.... hand spanking).
I think Merryslave's comments are right on. Every agreement between couples must be examined and reexamined on a regular basis. When we are both open and most important LISTEN to our
ReplyDeletepartner, we can make this work for both of us
Anna