Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.
I'm sorry about the delayed posting. I was doing some business travel that was extended a day longer than expected. As I was sitting on a plane yesterday, I thought about how a travel-inspired delay in blogging itself spoke to last week's topic about others knowing. After the work part of my day was wrapped up, I did have time to put together a post but it would have involved posting from the airport or while sitting a plane. Where one stray look at my laptop could reveal my domestic discipline, to a complete stranger. Now, shouldn't I care little or nothing about the opinion of a complete stranger who I will never see again? Theoretically yes, but somehow it doesn't seem to work that way in real life.
While I really hate business travel and really don't enjoy airplanes much, sometimes the downtime with a glass of (bad) wine creates some space for self-reflection. It also sometimes helps me to see how seemingly separate things going on in my life may really involve some converging themes. Recently, I've had some frustrations dealing with under-performing people at work. But, some recent events and meetings have made me more open to considering whether I am causing, or at least failing to cure, some of the ongoing issues because instead of taking the problem head on and focusing on the problem, not the person, I often just get mad and seethe about it. On what seemed like a separate thread, I've been seriously contemplating a career change, to some extent because I'm just tired of the stress in my current role and, frankly, I'm tired of the separation that I feel leading a team puts between me and the team members. Then, I was reading a Zen-oriented book that talked about the false lives we end up leading when we create false identities that we come to believe are who we really are. Usually, we build layers of false personality because inside we are vulnerable and afraid of getting hurt if we show who we really are. Then, a week ago, I read a story by our own KD Pierre entitled Pride, http://mattmansfigures.homestead.com/colstory.html, that involves a disciplinary wife taking fairly dramatic action to get her husband's self-destructive pride under control by spanking him in front of, and letting him be spanked by, a person with whom he was having pride-based pissing contests. While it hurt his pride at the time, her whole purpose was helping him get his pride under control because it was dysfunctional and self-destructive.
Now, while I didn't see the pattern at the time, this all seems to coalesce to some extent around last week's topic about being more open about these lifestyles. Or, perhaps the topic of being more open is part of a larger pull I am feeling to be more authentic in several aspects of my life, with fewer ego or pride-based walls between me and others That includes being less in control at work so that I can be a more genuine and open person with the people around me, some of whom clearly feel intimated by me now. It also is reflected in wanting to have more open and less topical conversations with some of the commenters on this blog. And, yes, it is reflected in wanting my wife to take more control so I can take less and in doing so, hopefully, experience more of that paradoxical sense of freedom that comes from reduced choices.
Well, that was certainly a long and philosophical amble down a meandering road on this Sunday, but that too is part of being more open and less structured and controlled, right? And, if some of the philosophizing turns off the people who stop by only because they just want to see something, anything, that serves their spanking fetish -- good.
Now, I really do have a topic for this week, though it is an extension of last week's. It also dovetails with some of the above musings. Based on last weeks comments, with a very few exceptions it does seem that most of us are very, very reluctant to have others know that we are in these relationships in which our wives spank us and do so for disciplinary purposes. My follow-up question for this week is, which of those aspects of our relationships--spanking itself or spanking as punishment--is the source of our consternation about people knowing? Do we find spanking itself embarrassing, or is it that our spouses are in control of it and spank us not for erotic purposes but to punish bad behavior?
As we discussed last week, we are talking about this after the phenomenon that was 50 Shades. There is at least some argument that the success of those books and the movies is an indication that many people out there are pro-kink and, specifically, pro-spanking. Yet, most of us still are very resistant to talk about our own spanking relationship and very concerned about people knowing about them. So, what is that about if 50 Shades shows people wouldn't care or would be supportive? Or, is the acceptability of 50 Shades confined to that one scenario -- M/f and in a very sexualized context? Is M/f spanking socially acceptable but not F/m? Even if it is erotic and not punishment? Or, is it the disciplinary aspect that we don't want to be generally known?
I honestly don't have an answer on this one, but when I play out the scenarios in my head and try to sense nuances in my emotional response, the answer seems to be that it is the combination of spanking and punishment that I'm reluctant to reveal, while neither separately evokes quite the same emotional response. I don't really have any relationships in which people openly discuss their sex lives, but if the topic of 50 Shades and erotic spanking came up over drinks at a party, I'm not sure I would feel overwhelmingly embarrassed about revealing that we have done erotic spanking (though in truth we did only for a very short period of time many years ago). Perhaps more surprisingly, I don't feel that psychologically threatened by my wife behaving in a way that is more openly "large and in charge," even if it lets people know that she is the dominant party in our relationship. And, if our recent poll on this is any indication, a lot of the men who come here feel similarly and want their wives to be more openly dominant.
Yet, I do find the thought of people knowing that my wife spanks me for real punishment stressful, and in a way that neither spanking itself nor having a dominant wife are separately. I'm not sure what that is about. I do think that a huge amount of my stress around people knowing is work-related. I work in a very conservative, traditional, and competitive profession. I do think that in my particular field, there would be blowback if my status as a disciplined husband were widely known. The thought of extended family knowing also causes me some angst. But, I'm still not sure why it is the combination of spanking plus the FLR aspect of our relationship that adds a special level of such angst. Thoughts?
Have a great week.