Saturday, February 24, 2018

The Forum - Vol. 240 - Others


This is my work, there were my thoughts, and thus was I. I have freely told both the good and the bad, have hid nothing wicked, added nothing good. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  I'm pretty tired on this Saturday, to a large extent because of way too much workplace carousing.  I seemed to have some sort of workplace social commitment every single night of the week.  So, now I am tried, cranky, facing a weekend of catching up on work, and in all likelihood facing a hard spanking tonight.  And, thanks to recent illnesses and other instances of "real life" getting in the way, it has been a long time since I had a hard punishment spanking, so it probably will be extra excruciating.

Something that happened this week has me thinking again about a topic we have talked about before, though it's been a while, namely sharing more about the disciplinary and spanking aspects of our lives.  I don't want to go into the details, but it involved someone who was placed in a difficult position largely because they were fairly "out" about their spanking-related lifestyle.  It reinforced that there are valid reasons why I am pretty paranoid about maintaining my anonymity and why only a very few people know much about the details of my identity, such as where I live, what I do for a living, or other personal details.

Now, the problem is, I also seem to be going through a phase in which I very much want to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with people, including people who I "know" mainly through this blog or related electronic communications.   I find myself looking for ways to have more meaningful, one-on-one communications that are less topic-driven.  Also, the plain fact is, I have never been particularly good at keeping secrets.  I find myself increasingly wanting people to know about this aspect of my life.  Or, I want certain people to know more about it.  Moreover, as my wife and I continue to talk about cranking up her level of dominance, I am constantly reminded of how hard that is without putting it on more open display, and the part of me that was fascinated by DD from the moment I first encountered it also seems to gravitate toward being more openly subject to her authority.  Or, maybe it is just that I want that authority to be more pervasive and more consistent, and I know deep down inside that the only way to do that is for her to put it on more open display.

There also was an anonymous comment last week from a woman who learned that her mom spanked her father, because her mother told her about after she was grown.  My wife is very, very close to our kids who are themselves now young adults to various degrees, and I will not be at all surprised if at some point they have an adult conversation about this aspect of our lives. 

As I said, this week's topic is not original, but it has been on my mind again, this issue of how much we reveal about this thing we do, to whom, and under what circumstances.

To my knowledge, there are two people who know who I am and that my wife gives me real disciplinary spankings.  One is a friendship with another DD blogger.  We started corresponding with each other and over time we developed enough mutual trust that we were comfortable revealing who we were. The other is a mutual friend my wife and I have known for many years.  The original connection was through me, but she and my wife also got close over time.  I have told this story before, but I'm having a hard time finding it right now.  It's surprisingly hard to search 239 other posts.  The short version is, I had been friends with this woman for a number of years.  After several years of working together there really was very little we didn't share.  One day we were having a few drinks at happy hour, she asked how my wife was doing and how things were going for us, and I found myself blabbing to her about this new lifestyle we were exploring.  I can't say I wasn't embarrassed talking about it, though this friend is one of the least judgmental people I've ever known, so I was really more embarrassed by the kinky nature of the activity and my male reticence to talk about such things openly than out of fear that she would judge me for engaging in it.

After I confessed to this friend, I also confessed my confession to my wife.  She was a little shocked at first but seemed to roll with it.  I learned just how much so a few weeks later.  They had gone out to some event together, and I got a call from my wife.  They had clearly had a few drinks over the course of the afternoon, and my wife had the call on speakerphone.  We chatted about what they were doing, whether the event had been fun, etc., then as the call was wrapping up my wife announced, "By the way, when I get home you are going to get you ass blistered for . . ." and started listing off my bad behavior.  

Needless to say, I was mortified.  She, on the other hand, was having a ball.  "Yes, dear," she chortled, "since you decided to open your big mouth about our private activities, I decided that K. should hear the whole thing from the wifely perspective.  We had a fun afternoon talking about how much I enjoy warming your ass when you've been bad."  I probably would have been even more mortified were it not for the fact I had, in fact, initiated this little "sharing" exercise, so I could hardly object if my wife chose to take it to the next level.


But, as far as I know, after well over a decade of doing DD, those two people are the only ones who know that I am a disciplined husband.  I haven't told any other friends or relatives and, as far as I know, neither has my wife.  And, other than hat one afternoon, I don't think my wife and our mutual friend have talked about this lifestyle, as we don't see each other all that often these days and when we do it is often at parties with lots of other people around.  And, while I admit that I increasingly have these desires to "out" myself, some of my desire to be more open is driven by a wish that my wife had a relationship with at least one other Disciplinary Wife, so they could share notes and reinforce their growth as dominant women.  But, as KD and I recently discussed, I'm not sure that women or "tops" need that as much as I sometimes like to think.  On the other hand, I do increasingly feel a need to have a more "real" connection with disciplined husbands including some of the regulars on this blog.  But, I have yet to find a vehicle to really facilitate that.  Only time will tell . . .

How about you?  Our friends KD and Merry are obviously very "out" but how about the rest of you?  How many other people, if any, know about you giving or receiving real disciplinary spankings? If you are willing, please give us some details about how the "outing" happened.  Who was it to?  How did you tell them, or how did they learn about it? What was their reaction? 

Have a great week.

60 comments:

  1. Hi Dan,
    I google searched: "mutual friend" site:disciplinedhubbies.blogspot.com
    and found the other posting.
    https://disciplinedhubbies.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-forum-41-more-on-beginnings.html

    -ZM

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I swear I entered that same search term and got nothing. Oh well, glad you found it.

      Delete
  2. It's a busy weekend here. Child #4 (Danny) is with us, and we have plans to the gills! I'll stop by after I take him home Monday.

    For the benefit of those who don't know, Child #4 is 28 and has multiple disabilities. Anyway I'm supposed to be having fun, so see you all later!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are there degrees of being 'out'?
      None of Merry's five grown boys know of our lifestyle, although one or two who have spent time with us might suspect, but they've kept their silence.
      My father, who is my closest living relative, does not know. By 'close' I mean, by blood; I haven't actually seen him since Mom's funeral a couple years ago.
      Nobody at my workplace knows.
      Beyond that, we have a group of kinky friends, mostly acquired through Fet, who are Very aware.

      Delete
    2. I think there are obviously degrees, and it's also possible to be "out" in some categories and not in others. And the categories could be particular categories of contacts or particular categories of activities. On the former, I can see coming "out" at some point to people I know are in this lifestyle themselves, most of whom I now know only by pseudonyms just as they know me. But, I can see changing that selectively. I can see the possibility of coming out to select close friends and, a bit, to our immediate family. On the other hand, I can't really see coming our to my extended family, though I really admire someone like KD Pierre who "outed" himself to his mother. I also doubt that I will ever open up about this lifestyle to anyone at work, at least as long as I remain in my current profession.

      Regarding categories of activities, what I reveal seems to depend a lot on who I am revealing it to. The one blogger who knows who I am knows pretty much everything about the DD and FLR aspects of my relationship, or at least I don't consciously hold anything back. My friend who I told about it knows more about the spanking aspects than the FLR, though to some extent that is because it's been a while since we caught up about such things. On the other hand, I think our kids are becoming more conscious of the FLR aspect of our relationship, i.e. that their mother is increasingly more openly in charge. As far as I know, however, they are not aware of the DD and spanking element of the relationship.

      Delete
  3. It has happened a few times that men accidentally answered to my blog by using their work email. Giving away their full name and work place to me in the first email they wrote to me. Along with telling me about themselves and their kinky wishes. And this all without knowing who I am. ;-)
    But of course, I always keep my lips shut about their identity.
    I got to admit though that I check them out on google once in a while, to see what is going on in their vanilla life ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! That's amazing. Though, with so many email communications happening on phones that have multiple email account using the same email app, I can see how it happens.

      On one or two occasions I have screwed up and signed a blog post with my real name. But, it's only a first name.

      Delete
  4. I have no desire to share our 'secret' with family , friends or work or social contacts. However I would have no problem sharing with someone ,like you did, who was non-judgemental and female.
    My wife and I have a close mutual friend who fits in that category .
    I don't think I would ever have the courage to share with her.My wife and her are very close so I would have no problem if she told her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is interesting, isn't it, that we probably are more open to a friend who is non-judgmental but also *female*?

      Delete
  5. We too are very secretive but were almost caught a few times. I have thought of other ladies spanking me as my wife approved and watched but would never act on it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As far as I know, we have not been "caught," though with kids -- they always seem to know more than you think. I don't have any reason to think our kids have overheard a spanking or seen a paddle or strap left out. But, I don't know for sure that it has ever happened.

      I've never had any real desire to be spanked by a third-party, but if I did, oddly, I think it would be a male. The only scenario in which I can really see it happening would be if my wife were to decide that she was not getting through to me and that I needed something especially humiliating to make me start complying. A spanking from a man would certainly fall into that category.

      Delete
  6. I'm not sure what I could possibly add here that I have not already said in the past. One point that I think is worth mentioning is that several people have brought up the different areas in one's life that require secrecy versus those that allow openness .......and to that I would further add that it also depends very much on the personality of the person being told.

    So while I am getting a lot of credit for being very open.......I am not open to EVERYONE. I think Rosa and I just find there are more people you can be safely open to than one might initially think. But caution is never a bad thing. And while telling my mother made sense at the time, telling Rosa's Mom would just be stupid. LOL

    Knowing one's audience, balancing risk-to-reward ratios, being good judges of character, and recognizing the degrees of what one stands to lose if all goes wrong, are all huge factors.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Understood. And, while you haven't *told* everyone, you have done things post real pictures of yourself in Rosa (even if in costume), pictures of your home and garden, etc. So, while you may not have *told" everyone, you are pretty damn out there!

      That is funny, however, that you came out to your mom but the two of you are not out to Rosa's. I have this--no doubt totally unrealistic prejudice--that a disciplinary wife would find it easy to tell her mom while a disciplined husband would find it very embarrassing to tell his.

      I think your last paragraph is absolutely right and practical, though I do wonder whether I will reach a point in my life where I just don't give a shit what anyone else thinks, to such an extent that I become totally open about all this.

      Delete
    2. As for posting things that could reveal who we are? Hell, I can't get the people closest to e and who are sometimes actually INVOLVED in what we do to visit my blog, what are the chances that anyone we're not out to will come there? And even in the rare chance they did........how would they have made their way to an FLR/DD blog if they weren't interested in the topic? It's like getting 'caught' at a Go-Go bar by a co-worker....

      "What are you doing here?"

      "No, what are YOU doing here?!"

      LOL

      Delete
    3. True. And, as you and I have discussed, I think my wife has visited my blog precisely twice in three years. You can lead a horse to water . . .

      Delete
  7. my husband and I came out recently in a joking "traditional wife" sort of way that left the impression that he and I play at sexy spankings. Being switch, I came out as a bottom, which is, I think, much easier to do then the other way, where people would be more judgemental. I think I get perceived as frisky and fashionably risqué, as opposed to being a weirdo. Guys would have a tougher time coming out as a bottom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Julie. I saw that on your blog. It was a very fun read, as always! It is definitely interesting and fun watching your bottoming aspect come to the forefront. Do you think the switch is going to be the norm, or are you drifting into being a full-blown bottom?

      I totally agree that it is tougher for a man to come out as a bottom, which in a lot of ways is kind of odd. I would personally feel a lot more embarrassed about being outed as someone who "disciplines" a physically weaker spouse, but it definitely doesn't work that way in progress. But, honestly, I wonder whether people have become a lot more accepting of spanking as frisky and risque, i.e. as long as it's just sex, but are weirded out by anything that involves challenging the notion that power in a marriage should be equal, but they are slightly more tolerant of a M/f power imbalance because it's more traditional.

      Delete
    2. Meant to say "doesn't work that way in practice."

      Delete
    3. I think it depends on the prevailing sentiment where one lives. In the NY-metro area I have found a woman saying: "Damn right I spank him if he misbehaves!" results in a chorus of "You go, girl!", but a guy saying the same thing gets worried looks and crisis interventions.

      But you are also correct that if it is presented merely as sex play and not policy of genuine DD, then anything goes in whatever dynamic.

      Delete
    4. Agreed. I do see one relevant distinction that may explain the different reactions -- physical power and the prospect of real non-consent. Most men are more physically powerful than their female partner. If they truly want to resist a spanking, they could.

      On a somewhat related note, this is why the whole Christian Domestic Discipline thing makes me nervous. Not only is there already a physical power issue at play, then you add the supposed imprimatur of God to the equation -- it seems to be a mix really fraught with consent problems.

      Delete
    5. CDD? It used to bug me for all the reasons you mentioned. Now? Instead of being nervous as you say, I just snicker and figure anyone who is willing to go through life believing that their god wants them spanked on occasion is getting what they deserve. Perhaps these women like to eroticize their god as a loving father-figure with a penchant for punishment? Maybe purgatory is a series of spankings until all sins are forgiven? Maybe the Christians are wrong and we all have 40 virgins waiting for us? Not that I'd know what to do with 40 virgins. One virgin is tiring enough! LOL

      Delete
    6. Definitely switching for me as the new norm, favouring the topping role.
      CDD makes me giggle as well. No kinkiness here, just move on folks!

      Delete
  8. I had a great talk with Aunt Kay about this thread on the Blog and I will post what she sAID as soon as I can get my head together. Right now, too many other overwhelming factors are occurring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But I do want to add one point right now. Over the years Aunt Kay and I have met almost a hundred DWC minded couples in person and many were invited to our home. Never, not one time, has anyone violated our personal privacy after meeting us and learning our real identities. So there's a data point I hope may be useful in this conversation.

      Delete
    2. It is a good data point. I'm sure it is because they were like-minded and good people, though there also is an element of mutually assured destruction in personal meetings and in situations where both parties know the other's identity. I think it gets more complicated with something like public blogging where there are no controls one who can read it, and the blogger and other commenters may be arming some less than fully stable people with personal information about not only themselves but family, etc. Honestly, the impacting of "outing" myself on other people is probably the biggest thing keeping me anonymous. My wife could potentially face more career blowback than I would, it could embarrass other family members, etc.

      Delete
  9. Dan- Having started out as so many couples do apparently, according to the DWC survey, I was the Hubby in a 25 yr marriage, who had always been the more dominant partner who introduced (OK sheepishly confessed) my need for DD and accountability in my life and our relationship .....to an unsuspecting, vanilla, non-spanko wife. As we have grown and evolved through the process there have been countless times I have read a response here about a specific detail or experience (as i race to read the new topic religiously every Sunday) and wished I could communicate with the commenter to ask a question or get perspective from their experience. Like you I am fiercely protective of my privacy when it comes to this to the "outside world" but feel completely comfortable and to and extent even welcome being "out" to an extent, in general terms, within this "community". It's always felt like a safe place (you're an amazing group).

    Spanking and discipline has clearly been taken out of the closet to a large extent in our society these days. Just look at (and thank) the 50 Shades phenominon for getting the ball rolling, putting the macro topic of spanking and control out there. YES, I get that is a different "thing" than our DD interest...I'm just saying people finally were able to acknowledge some of the similar dynamics between that lifestyle and ours are more common than people suspected. At least for us, more specifically for my wife....it has helped realizing this isn't some freaky fetish we're slipping into, it's a helpful way of life, one that has always been in existence to varied degrees between couples that it works for.

    At this point we are not, nor do we have the interest in being out to anyone that we know....but i did share in a topic a while back how my wife had a great time being able to let go and just naturally live the role publicly, not having to worry who was around or would hear what once when we were away on a trip. it was the most exhilarating weekend we had in ages.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Darren. Your first sentence pretty much nails how we got here, other than it was at an earlier part of the marriage, though still well into it.

      I have similar desires for more open and meaningful communications among the group, and it is frankly why some of the anonymous activity is so irritating. Not because it is anonymous per se, but because it is so pointless and adds nothing to the quality of the group. You all probably don't see it, but that's because I delete the posts by the Seans of the world he literally add one sentence kind of sort of matching that week's topic, then say the same fucking thing as every other post they have ever written. It just gets so old. If people have nothing real or substantial to add, I really do wish they would just go away, because their participation not only does not add to building a community of people who are genuinely interested but detracts from it.

      I have really mixed feelings about 50 Shades. On the one hand, I do applaud that it is mostly kink-positive, though I wonder whether it gets too much credit for opening people up to kink when it may really only reflect kinky interests that were already there. What I have a bigger problem with is that the spanking interest, and the power exchange aspects, of the relationship are portrayed as being the result of the Top being abused. And, the overall theme is you have this really kinky guy, and the vanilla comes along and saves him largely by making him less kinky. I know that over-simplifies it, but there does seem to be this theme that his interests are extreme because he likes to deliver hard spankings, his sadism and control needs are the result of childhood abuse, and she saves him by wigging out the first time he gives her whopping six swats with a strap and refusing to be involved with him unless he tones the kink way back. It seems a really messy and muddled message. And, of course, the writing sucks.

      Delete
    2. OK...you ready for this? I've never seen the movie or cracked the cover of the book....LOL. Hell I didn't even know about his abuse stuff. I was disinterested/put off from the start when I heard the most basic premise was about this innocent virginal college girl being swept into the dark and evil influences of the world of BDSM!!!!

      The poor reference to the popularity of 50 Shades was simply that given how broadly popular it became so quickly, it put a light on the fact that the notion of control....and correspondingly specifically spanking/discipline had been something that MANY people were to some extent "aroused" by if not at a minimum piqued their interest. And while you never really heard this articulated....common sense is that adult interest or receptiveness to punishment isn't attributable to a FEMALE gene.....so logic would dictate that as interested as a portion of the female population was to it, clearly not ALL woman.... then it's just as reasonably that a portion of the male population would be as well.....it's just a societal "stigma" to a guy being on the receiving end of a woman isn't "masculine" ...but has anyone else noticed spanking is practically "cool" now??? It seems to be everywhere....jokes on sitcoms...in article....people making innocuous jokes etc etc

      Delete
    3. That's funny! Another reason I'm not wild about 50 Shades is that while one would think it was about control and the erotic element in giving it up, it's really not. It starts out that way, from the onset she rebels, it's all about negotiating limits, etc. The whole thing really becomes more about her making him LESS kinky, and because she basically "saves him" from his control issues, it's really more about getting rid of those issues and just enjoying kinky games. In the end, it reduces to the very conventional, "He was messed up and she saved him" drama we've all seen in a hundred made for TV movies, with the addition of tiny number of spanking scenes and a butt plug or two.

      So, what accounts for its popularity? A good friend of mine thinks it's actually more about satisfying the female readers' wealth fetish than sexual fetishes, and I'm not sure she is isn't onto something with that.

      And, I agree with you -- the whole "virginal college kid" element actually creeps me out.

      Delete
  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm pretty certain my wife has discussed it with her Best Friend. Certainly, I've heard private things about their marriage! (Sadly, not DD-related...)
    CrimsonKing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi CK. If my wife and her friends share much about their kinks and sex life, for good or ill they haven't chosen to share that with me.

      Delete
  12. About us being "out": Shilo and myself have plenty of kinky friends, so I can see how it might be perceived as "out", and 2 of my 5 adult children know about the spanking. What we're really out about is my polyamory. 4 of my kids know about that, PLUS several acquaintances, the butcher at the grocery store, a few checkers, PLUS Shilo's supervisor at work. I also have several (completely vanilla) female friends who know about both situations.

    I think the reason it works so well for us is that we're low-key. Shilo and Stitch are polite, they go to work, come home, help out the neighbors, and we don't cause problems. We're very conscious of PDA, and keep it to a minimum.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're probably right. Good manners and toning down outward displays of non-traditional behavior probably goes a long way toward tamping down neighborhood gossip and nattering.

      Delete
  13. Hello dan

    This topic has the theme that I'm most afraid.

    Since my wife started correcting me, I've always been afraid that other people would find out about my situation.

    But this site made me feel very comfortable. Here I can know stories similar to mine and share my stories.

    Well

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry to hear the theme is frightening to you, though I certainly understand not wanting anyone to know about it.

      Delete
    2. Dan- "Anonymous" 's comment brings me back to a point in the topic that hasn't really been broadly commented on. Speaking from my personal experience here over the years, not to sound overly dramatic but you and the other great people here really changed my life in regards to all this. Initially I didn't know what was wrong with me, I thought I was a complete freak and the only guy on the planet that had these thoughts and needs. So given the # of visits you reference this blog gets i'm inclined to think there are far more (what's the term...) "lurkers" running to read the new topic every week than long term DD practitioner couples here. People who are curious, nervous, confused about their feelings and personal experience and DYING to "talk to" and ask questions of people who were once in the same situation/phase of the "evolutionary process" with this. I NEVER thought I could come out to my spouse. Now while I'm still not getting full on disciplined... we're on our way. I never thought it could happen.

      So to your point/comment.....I'm not a tech person or overly blog savvy...I'm not sure how or if you'd even be able to do it but... I'm guessing there are plenty who'd be interested in being able to communicate w others. There have been countless times I've had a follow question for someone after they made a comment but didn't want to start "having a conversation" w them in the blog....I appreciate that's not the place for it.

      Conversely to all the "Anonymous" out there.....A) go to gmail or anywhere else and set up an email address with a fictitious name to use specifically for "these purposes"! No-one is "tracking you down" ...spoiler alert....my name's not "Darren"...LOL. B) This is an incredible group of people...kind and patient....my suggestions to newbies to this (like I was/still am) don't be afraid to put a comment out here. You'll learn a lot.

      Delete
    3. Darren, first, flattery will get you everywhere. :-)

      Second, regarding the number of lurkers who are not in DD relationships versus people who are, it's obviously impossible to tease out with any specificity. But, a few data points: The blog gets right around 1000 pageviews a day. My guess is that the vast majority of those fit into the category of "interested but not now and never have been in a DD relationship." Now, I don't have much data to the support that, the one exception being polls. When I post a poll, I typically try to leave it up for about three weeks. Most of them are directed specifically to people who are actually in DD relationships. Typically, I get about 100 respondents. Now, the couple of times I have run a poll on this actual topic, only about 25% of people claimed to be merely curious, i.e. not in a disciplinary relationship at all. So, who knows . . .

      I agree with you there almost certainly are ways to communicate more directly with others. I've thought about: (1) a "members only" section of this blog or a separate blog, that would require an actual gmail login; (2) a Yahoo group; or (3) a secret Facebook group for admitted members only. The first option is OK, but the blog format doesn't lend itself that well to less moderated communication. Everyone would still be stuck with someone has to do a post, then others comment. So, it's workable but not ideal. Yahoo groups are OK, but it's still a pretty inflexible platform, and not one that seems to be dying on the vine. Facebook would really be my ideal solution, as everyone could contribute and it would require less moderation, but they make it so fucking hard for people to post using anything but their real identity. So, I'll continue to mull the options over, but I'm getting more serious about it.

      Delete
    4. No need to over complicate....the idea of a guestbook or some "tab" on here where you can simply list the "name" they use here and corresponding email address. Maybe even a few optional columns for : location, age and some designation for "curious/newbie/practicing DD". I agree w what you're saying about the other sites. Or am I the only one that thinks this would be cool? No-one else has commented.

      Delete
  14. Hi Dan
    I was wondering that , because you and your wife already have a mutual friend who is aware of your DD lifestyle, have you considered 'reconnecting ' with her over dinner where you could raise the subject again.I expect sitting with two ladies chatting about how you get your backside warmed would be interesting and perhaps inspire your wife to be more in control?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, not really. While she is very non-judgmental and kink friendly, I don't think this particular kink is her thing. If it were to come up again, I would want it to be spontaneous, not part of a conversation designed to bring it up.

      Delete
    2. I'm not sure if spontaneous as, for me anyway , it leaves me unprepared and the opportunity to develop the conversation is lost.On the other hand a planned conversation could be uncomfortable as you would have too much time to think.

      Delete
    3. To me, it comes down to a couple of things. First, I just don't like going into an event with a true friend with an agenda in mind. It just makes it seem manipulative. Second, I try to respect other people's boundaries and to talk about things that are of mutual interest. If someone truly doesn't have much interest in something I'm interested in, if I keep pressing the conversation then I become a bore. With this particular person, when I told her the first time it was over drinks, she was a very close friend, and this was such a profound development in my marriage, so it felt natural to tell her about it. And, she was genuinely interested in the change in my relationship and how that impacted me, but it was not an activity that she gravitated toward herself. So, if we were to get together now and there was a natural opening to talk about it and give her an update, I would, but I wouldn't try to get together with her for the purpose of talking about it.

      Delete
    4. I agree there is no pint sharing if the person has no real interest. I got the impression your friend quite enjoyed hearing the details of your arrangement when she went out with your wife and they called to tease you.

      Delete
  15. N. (my late wife) was never shy when it came to letting a few of her closest friends know that she spanked me - and, occasionally, to demonstrate it... One of them was J. whom I later married, and who not only followed N's practice, but also invited her sister not just to watch, but also to "give her a hand"...
    L.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, L. I guess that is one advantage of onlookers.

      Delete
  16. hairbrushedhubbyMarch 1, 2018 at 7:21 AM

    Neither me or my lovely wife have told anyone, close friends or relatives about her spanking me as we are a very private and shy couple who would be very red faced if it were ever to get out.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dan, many years ago after getting the nerve to swallow my pride and tell Sylvia that her mom had spanked me, there were a few comments made by Sylvia’s sisters .. Her sisters never at that time asked me directly but over a number of months the subject of spankings from my mother in law seemed to come up unusually , with looks in my direction to see how I would respond . I asked Sylvia if they knew and she said she hadn’t told them. I was very concerned that anyone find out. I wrestled with my response to as a young adult being told I was going to be spanked. Perhaps other here have had a similar response . My first reaction was that I thought it sounded ridiculous . Then as I could see she wasn’t kidding I got a sensation of titilation. I had never been spanked but had a fascination. While waiting for her as told I was both nervous and confused. When she came into Sylvia’s childhoood bedroom carrying a short strap I froze . The spanking hurt like hell and before she was done I was promising anything to get it over . Many years later Sylvia and her oldest sister told me they all knew and it was very embarrassing . As we are now much older the spankings Sylvia administers are less frequent and occasionally in a somewhat playful vain my sisters in law will tease me and it’s still humiliating but I try to laugh it off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Bart. You may need to remind everyone what lead to that spanking. I recall you posting about it before, but I don't recall the details.

      Delete
    2. Dan, we were staying with my in laws and we had had a conversation about religious beliefs. I had in retrospect been rude in saying the my mother in law’s very literal interpretation of the Bible had no place in modern culture . I made a series of comments about their Church and community . She warned me , and although I had heard stories about what had happened to her kids I wasn’t listening and never thought that as an adult there would be any consequence for my insensitivity .She waited until there was no one else in the house to confront me. It is clear now that she made a concerted effort not to humiliate me as she made sure no one would come while she was “ teaching me some manners”. It seems likely also that not only would I be humiliated but it would most likely been awkward for her as well. When she began the conversation when we were alone it started as a quiet rather calm discussion . She recounted my various insults and asked why I thought deriding her and her beliefs in her house was acceptable. I offered that I didn’t intend to offend her but was voicing my beliefs. She said she had asked me to watch my tongue and that I was not only rude but obstinate and arrogant . I said I was sorry and she said she didn’t think I was but that she was sure I soon would be .She said that in her family courtesy and respect were not optional. She said there were consequences and as it appeared no one had tusght me to be respectful especially in some one’s home, but that I was now going to learn. She said ask I was new to the family she had to teach me a lesson I wouldn’t forget . She said she was going to spank me, give me a real tanning. Do pall these years later I still ask myself why I didn’t simply refuse . I could have left of physically resisted refused to discuss it etc. I don’t know why but I did as she told me. As I mentioned it was totally confusing . Any idea I had momentarily about it being exciting ended when I felt her grip on my arm, and all of my fantasies about soanking ended the first time the strap landed. The strapping was over my underpants and that was more than humiliating there was nothing erotic about it, it hurt. I was reduced to feeling like a small boy and I would have done anything she ordered. Many years later when she was visiting us I said something she didn’t like, she said to me very quietly that I was about to get another taste of the strap , that she me up. Sylvia liked the way it changed my demeanor with her mom and started soanking me. Sylvia always spankings on the bare, and over the years has used mouth soaping and long bare bottom corner time.i don’t like the idea of anyone knowing,. While Sylvia says she has sometimes found strapping me erotic it’s not sexual as much as behavior modification . We have read a lot here about tears, during the spanking all those years ago I was howling crying and begging her to stop. Over many years of subsequent spankings rarely have I cried,

      Delete
    3. Hmmm, that sounds about the way I'd expect a fundamentalist to react to having their beliefs questioned. (They certainly can't resort to logic.) Good thing for you it's 2018.....otherwise it might have been a post, some rope, and a bonfire. LOL Anyway, I have to admit, there is a twisted appeal to this situation with your MIL. All the best!---KDP

      Delete
    4. It's noteworthy that all these years later you are asking why you didn't simply resist. It sounds like you were confronted with something that so many men who are into this crave -- a very strong minded woman who told you she was going to spank you and made it happen through sheer force of will.

      Delete
  18. Hi Dan,

    I am a long time lurker but this is the first time I have written. This topic could not have been more timely for me and my wife. While my wife does spank me (often), we are not exactly in a female-led relationship. The spankings are a mixture of foreplay and discipline. But even when the spanking is foreplay my wife does not hesitate to add a disciplinary aspect if I have done something to annoy her.

    But to get to the point, we have often discussed telling another woman about our spanking activities and this has been a very exciting fantasy for both of us. Recently, however, my wife has suggested that we take this fantasy and make it real. She has told me to choose among three women who will be told about my spankings. I must choose either her mother, her sister or her old college roommate who will be coming to visit for a month this summer.

    I posted this issue as a question on a Yahoo forum last week and have gotten some interesting advice. (Too many thought all three should be told. That is not going to happen.) My wife wants to tell her sister because she hates keeping secrets from her. And she has pointed out that when her old friend visits for a month, it is possible that I will be spanked during that time and it might be easier if she knew ahead of time.

    In my mind, I have ruled out her mother. (That just seems icky.) I find the thought of either of the other two knowing exciting (but that is still fantasy). My wife has insisted that this is going to happen. The only choice I have is which one gets told. I seem to recall that in your old guest book (that is now offline) many of your “guests” told stories not only of others knowing but of others actually getting involved. My wife and I used to really enjoy reading those comments (but of course we don’t know how many were just the guests’ own fantasies).

    In any case, because of my current dilemma I could not resist writing to thank you for raising this topic once again and for keeping your blog active. So many other blogs on this subject either have become inactive or disappeared altogether. Thanks for keeping yours going.




    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous. Thanks for the comment and the compliment. That's an interesting dilemma -- sister or best friend. Please let us know how it turns out. Just looking at the math, best friend would seem to make the most sense if, as you say, you are likely to get spanked while she is there anyway. Otherwise, you could be outed to her sister, then outed again to the friend.

      Regarding the Guestbook, I liked the concept, but it was becoming troll-bait and the favorite posting place for idiots like "Sean" who just have some OCD compulsion to post something, anything about spanking. One particularly annoying moron (may or may not be Sean himself) kept posting over and over about his wife putting him in a leg lock. I finally decided policing it was becoming more trouble than it was worth.

      Delete
    2. Hi Anon. No one would know better which one to choose than you.....BUT, given what you've said there sort of is a logical choice:

      Ruling out 'mom' leaves you the friend or sister. The sister is someone your wife would like to tell, and as her sister......she's not going anywhere. So it could very well happen....maybe not now....but eventually that she will be told.

      The 'friend' is coming to stay. Telling her could open a door to at least having her overhear a punishment......maybe more? And if the friend knowing adds an appealing layer for your wife, the likelihood of sis finding out at some point is increased.

      So to maximize the potential inherent in this situation, it makes sense to choose the friend.

      (Oh and if the sister is eventually told, it would not be a leap to think that something at some point won't lead to "mom" finding out.) LOL

      Delete
  19. Dan, now as a man in my 70s who has been spanked by my wife for decades it’s clear that this is something I need and accept. When this happened I didn’t have any idea that this kind of thing existed. It seemed like the kind of thing that only happened to kids. I couldn’t understand why the idea initially caused an ercection and as the experience was quite painful why a while later I got excited thinking about it. All theses years later I still have some kind of internal conflict because the reality is always painful but leaves me with some sense of calm and relief after.

    ReplyDelete
  20. As far as I know, nobody knows about our DD activities. She has told me before that she would never tell anyone about our private life, so I am sure she hasn't.

    While it would be difficult to share anywhere, it would be even harder in the patriarchal society in which we live.

    However, I could see her telling her sister sometime in the future. I am always amazed at just how close they are to each other and how much they share. Less likely but still possible would be her telling one of her friends at work. Again, I am regularly surprised at just how much all the women know about each other's lives!

    -ZM

    ReplyDelete
  21. My wife's mother had died before we got married - so that wasn't an option - but J. has spanked me under the eyes of a couple of her friends... as well as before her sister. In fact, her sister (as well as two of her friends) have spanked or whipped me on several occasions -and I know this may (or will?) be repeated whenever J. feels like it!
    L.

    ReplyDelete

Your comment will posted if/when approved by the moderator. This blog is a curated resource for those genuinely and positively interested in DD and FLR lifestyles. Comments that are rude, uncivil, inconsistent with the blog's theme or off-topic may not be posted or may be removed.