Saturday, October 14, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 225 - Reporting and Enforcement

It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one. -- George Washington

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship. I hope you had a good week.

Mine felt slightly more manageable than last week, though the bar for that seems kind of crazy high these days.  I've always seen myself as pretty bulletproof where work is concerned, but I'm starting to question that as I move further into middle-age.  Admitting your limitations isn't easy.

Which is sort of the subject of this week's post.  Since we started Domestic Discipline, we have always formally had in place some kind of self-reporting scheme.  As I've discussed, at the very beginning, I kept a notebook in which I tracked each agreed-upon offense, and tallied up the minimum number of swats we agreed to.  Over the years, we have tried other systems, like sending her a weekly email or spreadsheet or something documenting behavioral issues.  We also have talked about setting aside time once a week to go over my behavior.  Honestly, it never seems to stick.  Partially, because this annoying thing called "real life" always seems to interfere.  For the last several weeks, one of those "real life" issues was a medical issue that was not conducive to spanking.  Now that we are starting to emerge from that--having been reminded once again in concrete terms that the only thing worse than getting older is its alternative--I am starting to think about how we reboot.  Including getting a real reporting and accountability check-in system going.

There is one obvious impediment to more rigorous self-reporting.  While confession may be good for the soul, it is not so good for the bottom of a truly disciplined husband.  So, what is the enforcement mechanism?  How should she address things when she finds out that he has been less than forthcoming about his bad acts?  What about Ronald Reagan's advice to "trust, but verify?" Does she have a way of independently verifying your behavior when it is something she was not there to see or hear?  Since at least some of my own behavior problems occur at work, in an ideal world, there would be someone there who would rat me out.

How does all this work for you?  Have you implemented a formal reporting mechanism?  What happens if you fail to report fully and honestly? Does she have any way of checking up on you?

Have a good week!

38 comments:

  1. Hi Dan
    Formal reporting systems don't seem to work for me in the absence of firm and focused interrogation from her about something specific. i have been trained to never lie to her either through omission or commission and so if she is aggressive about it she will get confession from me about specific behaviors when she asks about them. But it is really far from self reporting . But it does get the job done. Frankly I think that few of us are ever going to self report consistently. If we did that we would probably have the self discipline that would make most disciplinary spanking unnecessary.There may be one exception to this and that was a single experience I had with my former girlfriend. It happened toward the end of our relationship and was never repeated. She got me in bed if we were going to make love and then gently masturbated me as she reviewed my behavior. I remember blabbing out all sorts of things she didn't know ( and could get me in trouble with her)Her interrogation techniques unlike my wife's today were not very specific but she just kept asking me over and over if I " had any thing I needed to tell her" as she continued to stroke me. I have never told anyone about this and I really don't want my wife to know about it. But it did work for her but as I said earlier it really was not self reporting in the sense that I came to her and confessed.
    Alan

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    1. Hi Alan. Great point that self-discipline and self-reporting, or lack thereof, probably go hand-in-hand.

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  2. No "reporting" is needed if the transgression is committed where and when my wife can spot it - although the inevitable "consequences" may be delayed if we are away from home (e.g. when we are traveling and she decides to wait until we have checked in our hotel room... which has its own "side effects")

    On the other hand, if the punishable breach occurs while she is absent, I make sure to report it before she has a chance to spot it (if only to avoid the "extra" punishment I know I would get for attempting to conceal it). This may take the form of my bending over the back of a chair or sofa, bare-bottomed, when I hear her car pull into the driveway, or of presenting her with the martinet when she opens the door. I don't expect that such "reporting" and/or "volunteering" will earn me any clemency or reprieve from the punishment she deems fit - and, in fact, she often keeps me waiting in that humbling posture before delivering the "appropriate" chastising...

    L.

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    1. You say you make sure to report before she can spot it. What if it were something she might not spot at all?

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    2. If she didn't spot it, it usually is because it was inconsequential, and I may choose NOT to report it (knowing full well that I am likely to get spanked anyways - for a reason - in a not-too-distant future...)

      If, on the other hand, she learns -usually from a friend- that I have misbehaved when she was not present (e.g. at an office party, or in a bar on my way home), I can expect a special session with most, or all of her "tools" - and, if she so decides, under the eyes of the "friend" who reported the incident...

      L.

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  3. The basic premise I have subscribed to is that if I am cheating her in terms of what I am reporting (or not), I am only cheating myself. I may get less of a sore bottom, but I won't get the character improvement.

    My wife and I don't have a formal reporting system, but if she detects that I have lied, she spanks me in proportion to the lie.

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    1. Thanks. Your premise seems like a good starting point.

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  4. We do not have a reporting system. My behavior is more than enough cause for a " discussion ". A new twist occurred Monday. We were at dinner with friends when two of them said I drive too fast. This isn't true but they made a joke about it and the conversation moved on. Basically. " they told on me ". Tuesday Dev called me to the kitchen. She was sitting there in discilpline mode. I thought it was going to be a maintenance spanking and usually tolerate them well. When in position and the lecture began , she said we were going to discus my driving. I started to protest saying what she heard last nite wasn't really true. She was having none of it. She pulled out a long handled bath brush and gave a solid five minutes. When done she had me stand by the chair. She said I was getting a second one later. It was only a few minutes when she returned and decided not to give the second one. Our friends have NO knowledge of our home life and no clue as to what happened.

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    1. Hi Jr. That's an interesting twist on my musing about needing someone at work to rat me out. I was assuming, to some extent, someone who might know about our DD relationship. Your story raises the prospect that people who DON'T know about the DD relationship could be the best tattle-tales, precisely because they do NOT know what there honesty may cost your rear-end.

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  5. As in most 'things DD', there is fantasy, intended reality, and reality itself. The fantasy obviously is that all FLR wives are omniscient and no self-reporting is ever necessary. Often, as with us, the intended reality is a system of astute observation coupled with invariably honest, rigorous self-reporting when a misbehavior occurs privately. But the reality is there are levels and issues and moods and times when self-reporting a misbehavior would plainly do more harm than good. So, yes, I 'self-report' most of the time if I got away with something that is making me feel guilty, but it is not 100%. There are some things I just 'let go' and try to learn from without turning them into something worse than what they were.

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    1. Nicely put. The first sentence might also be a good way to judge your own emotional health and the health of your relationship. For me, here is often a pretty big gap between our "intended reality" and "reality itself." But, not between the fantasy and intended reality. While the former causes frustration and gives us a lot of room for improvement, it is far better than if the big gap was between fantasy and even intended reality.

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  6. Personally I think with our kind of relationships that it is simpler that most in that in my heart of hearts I 'want' or 'need' a good spanking on a regular basis. Since we started and I was finally honest about this area of my inner world, I do get the 'itch' if some cause does not motivate her to take action and I know that I get out of line, either consciously or otherwise. The fact that she / we have linked this need to improving my behaviour makes it a virtuous circle of sorts and the fact that she often goes further with the punishment than is comfortable simply re enforces the corrective message.

    So yes, if I have misbehaved and she has not noticed/been there then we have a way of it coming out either via written journal or via pre-punishment inquisition. The aim is always a guilt free, clean slate, a very sore backside and a resolution to improve.

    And if I ever fully understand all of this I will be applying for one of those Nobel awards!!!
    TB

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    1. Hi TB. Your final honesty about your world is probably more in line with most of our readers' motivations than my own. After doing this for over a decade, there now probably are moments where I feel like I need one even when there has not been one particular bad act I am feeling guilty about. I think those moments are more about a general need for boundaries -- I start feeling mildly out of control or burdened by too much responsibility, and part of me wants to be reined in before I get out of control. For me, that need for boundaries has always been the end, with spanking being the means to that end.

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  7. My wife does not detect my misbehaviors as well as I do. I keep a journal where I list my infractions. She reviews it periodically and decides on corrective action. Although my wife is committed to a femdom marriage, it seems that I am the one who has to point out my own misdeeds and to actually request punishment. I do feel better after she has administered a punishments. She seems happy with this arrangement, however I feel sometimes as if I am doing all the leading. How do we help our wives grow in confidence in themselves and understand the needs of their husbands to be held accountable for their behaviors? My wife seems to be growing as a dominant - perhaps it is my desire for this to happen more quickly.
    v

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    1. That is definitely one downside of self-reporting, at least if it covers things she is in a position to notice.

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  8. I believe you have to be realistic regarding the scope of offenses she will punish for. For us , her scope covers offenses related to my behaviour towards her (being disrespectful , saying something offensive to her , etc.).
    Any offenses such as those at work or elsewhere are not covered for the simple reason that the behaviour does not affect her and she does not need to know about them.I believe if the scope is to wide it becomes impractical to enforce.

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    1. Hi Glen. I totally agree we have to be realistic about the scope of the DD part of our relationships. I only partially agree about work things not impacting her. I'll flesh that out more in my reply to Alan, to avoid saying the same thing twice.

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  9. I really believe punishable offenses need to be about promoting the health of the relationship from her point of view. . That of course probably covers things like disrespect , purposeful disobedience and breaking rules established to protect and enhance the relationship. Otherwise many women will lose interest. She probably cares little if you lose your temper at work or even procrastinate on a work task. But throw the F word at a party or disobey her at home when she tells you to do something and she owns your ass. ( which is exactly how my wife announces many imminent spankings)But it can't just be about you and what you think you should be spanked for. That is just playing into your fantasy and destroys any real DD. Believe me, if she starts spanking for her reasons and feels free of supporting your fantasy, you will get all the spankings you want unless you are an exceptionally well behaved husband.
    Alan

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    1. Hi Alan. I agree most wives are probably (a) relationship focused; and (b) looking at that from their own point of view. Where I disagree a bit is about work misbehavior and whether that impacts her. It doesn't in the short-term, but in the long-run it can have a big impact. My "take charge" attitude has helped me be successful, but it has its downsides, and I have no doubt that my reputation for temper has held me back in some areas including things like promotions I should have gotten absent senior management's concerns that, while there was a good chance I could drive great performance, there was an equal chance I could blow something up. That does affect her, to the extent it diminishes the family's financial success. Also, in exercising my temper at work and thereby capping my upward mobility, I condemn myself to a state of perpetual pissiness in which I don't like the actions I see from those above me, but I also haven't shown the discipline to elevate myself up there where I might have more impact.

      But, all that said, as a practical matter I think both you and Glen are right and, even though I think work and other outside issues can have big impacts, they are far less likely to be something she feels like dealing with.

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    2. I see your point Dan , as these things can affect her negatively in an indirect way .However , these are really your (or our) responsibilty to handle and not hers. However , if we do bring work problems home or are in a poor mood at home because of the situation in work , she has every right to snap us out of that attitude with a good dose of her paddle.
      Also if we neglect her by working late or bringing work home too often then she can step in.
      It took me a while and lots of effort , but I did eventually learn to separate work and home and balance the two , giving priority to my wife and family.
      Somebody once told me a story that really stuck with me and helped me in this regard.
      He told mr life was like juggling three balls ( work , health and family) , except that the ball for work was rubber and the balls for family and health are glass.
      If you drop the rubber ball , you will always bounce back and get another one but if you drop the glass ones they shatter and are gone for good and you will never get them back . We all have to juggle , but if you have to drop a ball , make sure its the rubber one.

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    3. I see your point Dan , as these things can affect her negatively in an indirect way .However , these are really your (or our) responsibilty to handle and not hers. However , if we do bring work problems home or are in a poor mood at home because of the situation in work , she has every right to snap us out of that attitude with a good dose of her paddle.
      Also if we neglect her by working late or bringing work home too often then she can step in.
      It took me a while and lots of effort , but I did eventually learn to separate work and home and balance the two , giving priority to my wife and family.
      Somebody once told me a story that really stuck with me and helped me in this regard.
      He told mr life was like juggling three balls ( work , health and family) , except that the ball for work was rubber and the balls for family and health are glass.
      If you drop the rubber ball , you will always bounce back and get another one but if you drop the glass ones they shatter and are gone for good and you will never get them back . We all have to juggle , but if you have to drop a ball , make sure its the rubber one.

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  10. We have never implemented a formal reporting mechanism, and for that matter really don't do much (if any) self-reporting at all. Like several other posters have said, the things that she punishes me for are things that either cause her to feel bad or the occasional habit that aggravates her. If she asks me about anything, of course I am truthful, and if she ever wanted me to self-report on something I would, but she has never requested that of me.

    In fact, on two occasions I have mentioned that I am having trouble in a certain area, and in both cases she has preferred to just talk about it from time to time and checks in with me to see how I am doing with that issue, but it has not turned into discipline in either case. Interestingly enough, right now I am feeling like there is something that I really should be punished for, but I probably won't share it with her because unless she notices that it is a problem, she would likely not want to address it.

    In the end, I don't think she wants to punish me to address all my shortcomings, or even my biggest ones necessarily, but rather just those things that affect her emotions or our interpersonal relationship, for example lateness, slacking around the house, checking out the occasional girl in her presence, etc. She is very supportive in every way and always helps me to grow into a better person, just not always using discipline.

    While we may not use discipline to "Fix" everything that is wrong with me, it does provide a quick and very impactful resolution whenever there is a problem, so we have a great relationship without any of the silence, ignoring each other, or lingering bad feelings that other couples seem to have, plus it seems to scratch my inexplainable "itch" for imposed boundaries, temporary loss of control, and punishment. It may not be the perfect solution for everyone, but it works for us...!

    -ZM

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    1. Thanks, ZM. It is a great point, again, about being realistic and not trying to use DD to fix every little thing. If it addresses the big stuff, that is reason enough to do it.

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  11. My husband doesn't need to self report much. Certain things yes, such as going over his weekly budget (I call it his allowance sometimes, lol). If he were to get a ticket or something out of the ordinary he needs to tell me of course. If he doesn't, when I find out it's basically a double punishment! One for the offence and one for trying to hide it.
    First time he went over budget he said nothing, basically because he was irresponsible with money, used to not budgeting and hence my taking over the finances. I explained his mistake and warned him to be careful in the future and "IF" he "accidentally" went over to let me know asap. Of course a couple of weeks later I saw the online bank acct. a couple of days after he blew it again. He had plenty of time to tell me so he went over my lap as soon as I returned home from work and he got it but good! I stood him up and asked why he hadn't told me? He never realized he went over budget! I was mad and told him to strip. He knew we weren't finished and tried to reason that "he didn't know so it wasn't right to get disciplined again for not telling me." Not knowing was just as bad or worse than not telling me as it's essential to following a budget was my reasoning. My husband was nude, I was still fully dressed in bus. attire.
    I saw on a website somewhere, somebody explained that you can basically cane with a plastic curtain rod, the type that opens vertical blinds. I have one in my closet for serious issues. My husband went over the bed and told to hang on tightly and put his face in a pillow. He got 10 fast, hard cracks with the rod on his butt and thighs then sent to the corner, not allowed to touch while I changed and lectured him. I've never seen him squirm and wiggle as much as he does with the plastic rod. That beating lasted him a good long while.
    Also instead of self reporting I have my "spies." An office asst. at his job lets me know if my husband comes to work late. A bad trait that "we're working on" I told her.
    My sister or friends will let me know if he hangs with their husbands and they see he has more than 2 beers (usually 2) they let me know. My husband now knows that I have my spies because he gets disciplined because of their honesty with me. He had 4 beers once at my sister's after I specifically reminded him 2. Back at home I inquired and he lied and said he only had 2. He got a good beating across my knee, wasn't allowed to drink for a month, and wasn't allowed to go watch the game with my brother in law for a month, and had extra household chores. Two weeks later when he still wasn't allowed to watch a "big game" at my sister's he got an attitude and got mouthy. He not only wasn't allowed to watch the game at all but he spent the rest of the day cleaning house with a very sore, very red, very bare behind.
    I'm not one to use maintenance or regular corporal punishment, though it may sound like that, but when my husband needs it he gets it! So, bottom line, he better report something that needs reporting or expect to get it good if I find out! Vicki

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    1. Hi Vicki. I do think in an ideal world, spies would be preferable to self-reporting.

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    2. Jusr curious Vicki if your 'spies' know what happens to your hubbies when they report his poor behaviour to you?

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    3. Sounds like the Glenmore is looking for material for a new story. But seriously there can be a problem when disciplinary rules extend to the job. I am not saying it is always a mistake and I believe deeply a disciplinary wife has a right to extend her control to behavior on the job if she makes that decision. But if the "spy" is not discreet, a male's career can be put at serious risk in our still very macho very patriarchal society. We are slowly evolving but for the lifetime of most of us the widespread knowledge that our wife or girlfriend disciplines with spanking is not a career move.
      Alan

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    4. Alan, I agree, at least at this point. It would be nice to have a spy, as long as he/she either didn't know the possible consequence of the reporting or was very discreet. I do believe that right now, at this point in my career, there would be serious blowback if that part of my relationship were commonly known. I do think a time will come when I just won't care, but it's not now.

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    5. Hi Sorry I never responded, hadn't seen it back then. No the "spies" don't know what awaits my husband or how they contribute to him being disciplined. Now on the other hand when he couldn't go watch the game for a month or similar I've been pushed to relent or give him a reprieve. I've held my ground and said think of it as if he's on a punishment. How would he learn if I give in every time?
      Staying consistent has paid off, my husband keeps an eye on budgeting. When he messed up he knew it quicker, reported it to me and then went across my lap. I did still have to explain that he will still get disciplined for breaking budget but he was spared the second trip over my lap by not knowing and reporting it to me. Life is better this way! Vicki

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  12. Dan
    We operate on self reporting and I rely on the fact that Peter is a very poor liar. One addition support I have came into being a few years ago quite by accident. One afternoon I called Peter's office and his right hand gal answered. Often when I call if Peter is on a call she and I will chat. This one afternoon I was calling to ask Peter to do something I knew he would not want to do. In passing I merely asked what was the weather report in the office. She laughed and answered Very cloudy with chance of thunderstorms. We both laughed and I put off my request. A few days later as a joke I asked for the weather report and she burst out laughing. Since then when I call she gives the weather without my asking. This has worked better than anything in the past. I think too often a wife isnt aware of what is going on in his office. When he is having a rough day I know dont ask how was your day but instead perhaps have a martini ready and the kids tucked away for an hour so he can chill. If that doesnt work I can always pull out the paddle.
    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna. It's great she gives you those early weather reports. A few years ago, I had an assistant who was a not-so-closeted kinkster. Once, several people were talking after work about how crazy it was that everyone was reading 50 Shades, and she commented that it just wasn't hardcore enough and she preferred Anne Rice's Beauty series. I've always thought that had she stayed around, she and my wife might have got to talking over drinks sometime, and who knows what might have developed . . .

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  14. If I choose not to reveal an incident it is usually because, in my assessment, she would experience more unhappiness from it than I would from the spanking.

    It's kind of a balancing act. If I really feel excessive guilt, or it is something she absolutely needs to know, or I really need the help for character-building, it does get reported.

    Besides, I would guesstimate that 90% or more of the time it comes out at some point anyway. She's pretty darn smart and knows me extremely well. (For which I am eternally thankful).

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    1. Thanks, Tomy. I probably should also have asked people, when they do self-report, how long does it take them to make that decision. As you describe, sometimes I am tempted not to report. I may go a few days without doing it. Eventually, guild or the need for penance overcomes my natural reluctance to get spanked.

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    2. The guilt thing can override everything else for me if I know I have somehow hurt her feelings. Of course, in an instance like that she knew about it but chose not to take any action.

      So I guess it's not so much "reporting an unknown event" as it is "asking for her to take the action." I only mention it because I experience reporting and asking in a very similar way - highly embarrassing and difficult to do.

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  15. Our most common issue is completing chores which she can observe without any reporting.

    My wife does not expect me to report everything that I do or don't do that she might consider inappropriate. The only offenses I am expected to self report are ones that are clear cut objective rules. For example, I am not allowed to patronize topless bars or other specific establishments that she disapproves. Topless bars aren't a problem as my co-workers never question me when I opt out of a proposed visit. The only place that has been a problem is Hooters. Sometimes my co-workers choose that place after we are already in the car and driving. Knowing that I will be getting spanked when I self-report that evening takes the fun out of ogling the waitresses. Although I am usually allowed to watch internet porn and masturbate, that privilege is sometimes taken away for a set period as part of a punishment. If I violate that, I feel compelled to self-report.

    As someone else said, when my wife asks questions, I am forthcoming in my answers even at the risk of consequences. When my wife asked if anything interesting happened during a recent business trip, I told her about the female colleague that got pretty drunk and invited me to join her for a bubble bath in her hotel room. My wife was obviously pleased that I declined the invitation but proceeded to ask some probing follow-up questions about any flirty behaviors that may have contributed to the situation. After our analysis of my actions (that I could remember), she decided that a session with her hairbrush and two weeks without masturbation were needed.

    I don't get in trouble for being disrespectful to others unless she is there to observe it. (Being respectful to her is not difficult for me, but I sometimes get careless in how I treat third parties, especially people I don't respect.) I suppose I could get in trouble based on someone else reporting it, but that has never happened. She doesn't have any spies.

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    1. Thanks, Anonymous. Thankfully, topless bars and Hooters aren't a big thing for my co-workers.

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    2. I have actually been to Hooters WITH MY WIFE on a couple of occasion. On the one hand, we both understand the obvious,(I'm enjoy the "eye candy"). On the other hand, for me these mostly young girls are basically almost children who need a job. So in all sincerity, there is no real "erotic thrill".

      But that's just me...odd to the last :)

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