The Forum - Vol. 230 - Harder, More Often, More Strict, More Open

"We need to understand the difference between discipline and punishment.  Punishment is what you do to someone; discipline what you do for someone." Zig Zigler
 
Hello all.  I hope you all had a great week, including a happy Thanksgiving with family and friends.  Ours was nice.  Uneventful.  Kind of what I needed.  But, it got off to a rocky start.  We had a little tiff the night before.  While she "started it," my attitude was bad, and I was disrespectful, to put in mildly.  She hasn't "settled up" yet, but it's probably coming.  And, I know I deserve it.

I said a few weeks ago that, thanks to some work commitments, I anticipated slowing down postings and, perhaps, having to suspend them altogether for a while.  It didn't turn out that way.  Instead, what had been a pretty hellish pace that was destined to get worse came to an unexpected pause.  That usually sends me into a big of a tailspin, but for now I simply feel relieved.  I was getting pretty burned out, as was everyone on my team.  I'm glad that everyone may get to spend some real time relaxing over the holidays.

Even with the intervening holiday, we got a few good discussions going.  I especially appreciated one from Bart in response to my "Real Authority" post, because it gave me something new to think about regarding what brought me to this lifestyle.  Bart said he grew up in a chaotic environment, with inconsistent rules unfairly applied.  But, he also was on the receiving end of two well-deserved spankings from female authority figures, one a neighbor and one at school, which may have put him on this path.  It got me to thinking about my own upbringing.  It too was very chaotic, with few rules in general and fewer still that were actually enforced.  But, unlike Bart, I didn't ever really have a female authority figure come into my life and put me in my place.  So, while the chaos was always in the background, I never had much in the way of real experiences to compare it to.  I wonder whether that difference accounts for me developing my interest in being subject to corporal punishment much later than many who comment here.  The chaos left me craving boundaries, but unlike many others, I didn't find those real-live counter-examples that I might have come to crave, had I had anything more than an abstract notion that they existed.  When I finally stumbled across DD, it well into my thirties, and it was like a light switch suddenly turned on.  Things just weren't the same after that, and it was an immediate, profound change toward something I had never experienced before.  For the first time, I knew that I really wanted a strong hand keeping me in line and holding me accountable.

Which is what this this week's post is about.  In your own life, how strong do you want that hand to be?  Based on the poll I put up last month, apparently most of you want it harder, stricter and more open.  The poll included a binary set of options related to severity, strictness and the level of dominance you want to be subjected to.  The question, to which we got 120 responses, was phrased as, "I am in a DD relationship, and if I could change things, I wish . . ."  The results were not the least bit nuanced:

Spankings were more severe	76
Spankings were less severe	5
Spankings were more frequent	91
Spankings were less frequent	3
My partner would be more verbally strict	76
My partner would be less verbally strict	0
My partner would be more openly dominant	67
My partner would be less openly dominant	1

These results were even more one-sided than those from a similar poll we ran in 2015:

Spankings were more severe	88
Spankings were less severe	4
Discipline was more frequent	112
Discipline was less frequent	3
My partner would exercise more control over me	94
My partner would excercise less control over me	5
My partner was more openly dominant	86
My partner was less openly dominant	6

I've always cautioned that all these polls have to be taken with a very big grain of salt, as the sample sizes are limited and the people who stop by and take time to do the poll may ore may not be a representative sample of the DD community.   But, these results are so  consistently one-sided, it is hard NOT to read them as indicating a true prevailing preference.   Our Disciplined Husbands  resoundingly, overwhelmingly want their wives to do what they are doing -- only MORE SO.

This poll also has a bit of a history.  I posted it this time largely as my own little "fuck you" to a troll who loves criticizing the women in these lifestyles but who refuses to acknowledge that the men who are subject to them (a) almost universally initiated it; and (b) not only want, but affirmatively ask for, much of the rigor and strictness that he finds unjust or excessive.  The original poll from 2015, however,  resulted from a conversation I had with one of our Disciplinary Wives.  She had expressed a common concern that, while her husband said he wanted her to be more consistent and more strict in enforcing her rules, if she did so it might be ore than he bargained for and he might come to resent her if she really went "all in," letting her inner Disciplinarian really emerge.  I told her I really doubted it and that, at least for me, the best advice I saw on the old Disciplinary Wives Club was to err on the side of being strict and severe.  The men who ask for these relationships want them for a reason, even if they may not be able to identify what that reason is or where it came from.  They really, truly, want to be subject to hard, consistent discipline.  If he is feeling any disappointment in the status of the DD relationship, it is much more likely to be because his wife is not being strict enough, not being consistent enough, not being severe enough.

This seems to be a common theme among those who, for whatever reason, are drawn to being disciplined.  I've spent some time this year participating in a DD group comprised mainly of disciplined women. It seems to be the same thing there.  Most of them want more strictness. More consistency.  To be held more accountable.  More dominance in general. 

It's also interesting that, while few of us are "out" about our disciplinary relationships, virtually everyone who expressed  a preference in the poll wanted their partner to be more openly dominant, and more verbally strict.  So, while we seem to shy away from being outed, at the same time we want those verbal displays of dominance--lecturing, scolding and bossiness--and we at least say we want it to be more open and upfront.

There seem to be several takeaways for our Disciplinary Wives (and husbands of our female disciplined partners):

• He wants you in this role, and he wants it to be real.
• He wants you to be demanding.
• He wants to you to be strict.
• When he screws up, he wants you to scold.  He wants you to be direct and no nonsense.
• When it is time to deliver a spanking, he wants it to be an event to remember.

In short, if you find yourself doubting or worrying about what will happen if you begin to really take control, his concerns probably go in the exact opposite direction. The odds are very high that he wants you to be stern, he wants you to be strict, he wants you to rigorously enforce your rules.  And, he wants to pay a price when he screws up.  Therefore, if part of you really likes being in full control of your relationship and really wants to be his disciplinarian, this poll says one thing: go for it and don't look back! As always, when in doubt, communicate. If you wonder whether your particular Disciplined Husband wants "more" or "less" or is in a Goldilocks mental state of "its just right," there is an easy way to satisfy your curiosity -- ask him outright!  Based on this poll, there is a strong chance that he really wants you in the role of leader of the relationship and will turn over the control if you're willing to take it.

How about you?  Do you want her to be more strict with you? More verbally commanding? More openly dominant?  What does all that look like?  I'm particularly interested in the views of those who want their partner to be more openly dominant.  Does that include being so in public, so it becomes clear that she "wears the pants" in the relationship?  Tell us all about it, and please be as specific as possible.  If spankings are too mild to get the job done, what do you wish for in terms of intensity, duration, frequency, etc.  If you would like her to be more strict, what would that entail?  Need more lecturing and verbal dominance?  What would you like her to do on that score? 

Before signing off, I did want to make on observation about Love Our Lurkers.  It did not escape my attention that most of the people who dropped in to say "hi" were women, mainly disciplined females.  I just want you all to know, you're welcome any time.  While I will continue to write the blog from the perspective of a disciplined husband, and some topics will focus on Female Led Relationships, I've become increasingly convinced the F/m and M/f dynamic s are really not that different, particularly in terms of what leads those of us on on the receiving end of the paddle or strap to seek this out.  So,  for our disciplined ladies out there, just because I phrase my writing on this topic in terms of the F/m dynamic, please don't feel excluded.  Please weigh in on anything that interests you.

Have a great week.