Saturday, November 25, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 230 - Harder, More Often, More Strict, More Open


"We need to understand the difference between discipline and punishment.  Punishment is what you do to someone; discipline what you do for someone." Zig Zigler
 
Hello all.  I hope you all had a great week, including a happy Thanksgiving with family and friends.  Ours was nice.  Uneventful.  Kind of what I needed.  But, it got off to a rocky start.  We had a little tiff the night before.  While she "started it," my attitude was bad, and I was disrespectful, to put in mildly.  She hasn't "settled up" yet, but it's probably coming.  And, I know I deserve it.

I said a few weeks ago that, thanks to some work commitments, I anticipated slowing down postings and, perhaps, having to suspend them altogether for a while.  It didn't turn out that way.  Instead, what had been a pretty hellish pace that was destined to get worse came to an unexpected pause.  That usually sends me into a big of a tailspin, but for now I simply feel relieved.  I was getting pretty burned out, as was everyone on my team.  I'm glad that everyone may get to spend some real time relaxing over the holidays.

Even with the intervening holiday, we got a few good discussions going.  I especially appreciated one from Bart in response to my "Real Authority" post, because it gave me something new to think about regarding what brought me to this lifestyle.  Bart said he grew up in a chaotic environment, with inconsistent rules unfairly applied.  But, he also was on the receiving end of two well-deserved spankings from female authority figures, one a neighbor and one at school, which may have put him on this path.  It got me to thinking about my own upbringing.  It too was very chaotic, with few rules in general and fewer still that were actually enforced.  But, unlike Bart, I didn't ever really have a female authority figure come into my life and put me in my place.  So, while the chaos was always in the background, I never had much in the way of real experiences to compare it to.  I wonder whether that difference accounts for me developing my interest in being subject to corporal punishment much later than many who comment here.  The chaos left me craving boundaries, but unlike many others, I didn't find those real-live counter-examples that I might have come to crave, had I had anything more than an abstract notion that they existed.  When I finally stumbled across DD, it well into my thirties, and it was like a light switch suddenly turned on.  Things just weren't the same after that, and it was an immediate, profound change toward something I had never experienced before.  For the first time, I knew that I really wanted a strong hand keeping me in line and holding me accountable.

Which is what this this week's post is about.  In your own life, how strong do you want that hand to be?  Based on the poll I put up last month, apparently most of you want it harder, stricter and more open.  The poll included a binary set of options related to severity, strictness and the level of dominance you want to be subjected to.  The question, to which we got 120 responses, was phrased as, "I am in a DD relationship, and if I could change things, I wish . . ."  The results were not the least bit nuanced:

Spankings were more severe
  76
Spankings were less severe
  5 
Spankings were more frequent
  91
Spankings were less frequent
  3
My partner would be more verbally strict
  76
My partner would be less verbally strict
  0
My partner would be more openly dominant
  67
My partner would be less openly dominant
  1

These results were even more one-sided than those from a similar poll we ran in 2015:

Spankings were more severe
  88
Spankings were less severe
  4
Discipline was more frequent
  112
Discipline was less frequent
  3
My partner would exercise more control over me
  94
My partner would excercise less control over me
  5
My partner was more openly dominant
  86
My partner was less openly dominant
  6

I've always cautioned that all these polls have to be taken with a very big grain of salt, as the sample sizes are limited and the people who stop by and take time to do the poll may ore may not be a representative sample of the DD community.   But, these results are so  consistently one-sided, it is hard NOT to read them as indicating a true prevailing preference.   Our Disciplined Husbands  resoundingly, overwhelmingly want their wives to do what they are doing -- only MORE SO.

This poll also has a bit of a history.  I posted it this time largely as my own little "fuck you" to a troll who loves criticizing the women in these lifestyles but who refuses to acknowledge that the men who are subject to them (a) almost universally initiated it; and (b) not only want, but affirmatively ask for, much of the rigor and strictness that he finds unjust or excessive.  The original poll from 2015, however,  resulted from a conversation I had with one of our Disciplinary Wives.  She had expressed a common concern that, while her husband said he wanted her to be more consistent and more strict in enforcing her rules, if she did so it might be ore than he bargained for and he might come to resent her if she really went "all in," letting her inner Disciplinarian really emerge.  I told her I really doubted it and that, at least for me, the best advice I saw on the old Disciplinary Wives Club was to err on the side of being strict and severe.  The men who ask for these relationships want them for a reason, even if they may not be able to identify what that reason is or where it came from.  They really, truly, want to be subject to hard, consistent discipline.  If he is feeling any disappointment in the status of the DD relationship, it is much more likely to be because his wife is not being strict enough, not being consistent enough, not being severe enough.

This seems to be a common theme among those who, for whatever reason, are drawn to being disciplined.  I've spent some time this year participating in a DD group comprised mainly of disciplined women. It seems to be the same thing there.  Most of them want more strictness. More consistency.  To be held more accountable.  More dominance in general. 

It's also interesting that, while few of us are "out" about our disciplinary relationships, virtually everyone who expressed  a preference in the poll wanted their partner to be more openly dominant, and more verbally strict.  So, while we seem to shy away from being outed, at the same time we want those verbal displays of dominance--lecturing, scolding and bossiness--and we at least say we want it to be more open and upfront.

There seem to be several takeaways for our Disciplinary Wives (and husbands of our female disciplined partners):
  • He wants you in this role, and he wants it to be real.
  • He wants you to be demanding.
  • He wants to you to be strict.
  • When he screws up, he wants you to scold.  He wants you to be direct and no nonsense.
  • When it is time to deliver a spanking, he wants it to be an event to remember.
In short, if you find yourself doubting or worrying about what will happen if you begin to really take control, his concerns probably go in the exact opposite direction. The odds are very high that he wants you to be stern, he wants you to be strict, he wants you to rigorously enforce your rules.  And, he wants to pay a price when he screws up.  Therefore, if part of you really likes being in full control of your relationship and really wants to be his disciplinarian, this poll says one thing: go for it and don't look back! As always, when in doubt, communicate. If you wonder whether your particular Disciplined Husband wants "more" or "less" or is in a Goldilocks mental state of "its just right," there is an easy way to satisfy your curiosity -- ask him outright!  Based on this poll, there is a strong chance that he really wants you in the role of leader of the relationship and will turn over the control if you're willing to take it.

How about you?  Do you want her to be more strict with you? More verbally commanding? More openly dominant?  What does all that look like?  I'm particularly interested in the views of those who want their partner to be more openly dominant.  Does that include being so in public, so it becomes clear that she "wears the pants" in the relationship?  Tell us all about it, and please be as specific as possible.  If spankings are too mild to get the job done, what do you wish for in terms of intensity, duration, frequency, etc.  If you would like her to be more strict, what would that entail?  Need more lecturing and verbal dominance?  What would you like her to do on that score? 

Before signing off, I did want to make on observation about Love Our Lurkers.  It did not escape my attention that most of the people who dropped in to say "hi" were women, mainly disciplined females.  I just want you all to know, you're welcome any time.  While I will continue to write the blog from the perspective of a disciplined husband, and some topics will focus on Female Led Relationships, I've become increasingly convinced the F/m and M/f dynamic s are really not that different, particularly in terms of what leads those of us on on the receiving end of the paddle or strap to seek this out.  So,  for our disciplined ladies out there, just because I phrase my writing on this topic in terms of the F/m dynamic, please don't feel excluded.  Please weigh in on anything that interests you.

Have a great week.

49 comments:

  1. We (often) want this to be 'real' - and to me, these are all markers for 'real'. Is DD a kink she indulges you in every few weeks or so, or are you both fully committed to the long-term project of building a better man/husband/household/marriage, whatever it takes?
    And certainly others seeing her authority in action (even if it's subtle) makes things feel very real.
    CrimsonKing

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    1. Thanks CK. Totally agree. Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

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    2. I guess from my perspective, the markers for "real" are somewhat wider. For us, it is enough that she addresses real issues with real punishments that involve real emotions. We are of course "fully committed to the long-term project of building a better man/husband/household/marriage, whatever it takes", but the motivation for us choosing to use DD to accomplish this, rather than just talking about things like "normal" couples, is primarily rooted in this being a huge fantasy for me. So yes, she is indulging me by fulfullng my fantasy. At the same time, my fantasy isn't just spankings, but real punishment for real things, so the whole thing is pretty real feeling, and is in fact becoming more and more real.

      In the beginning, we were both a little afraid to make it too real since we are more wanting equality than FLR, so we comforted ourselves by considering it as more of a game. Probably we are still stuck in the gray area between real and fantasy, but it is definitely becoming more and more real as time passes, as we see the mutual benefits of it, and as we use DD to address more serious issues, rather than just exaggerating minor things. She now is really getting into it too, enjoying the challenge of adequately punishing me, the empowerment, and knowing beyond a doubt that her voice was fully heard.

      -ZM

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    3. Hi ZM. It's a good point that for disciplined husbands, things do often begin as a fantasy. Something that I think separates DD from BDSM, however, is that in BDSM the goal is performing the fantasy, but a fantasy it remains. In DD, the fantasy *is* to make things real. The whole goal is to move beyond the fantasy into something authentic. As you say, "addressing real issues with real punishments that involve real emotions." I think one reason so many many responded to the poll with "more" answers, is if the punishment and discipline isn't hard enough, then it feels like play-acting.

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    4. Our motivation for DD rather than talking is that talking is not really a punishment and therefore doesn't allow a line to be drawn under things in the same way. A real spanking means the issue is dealt with permanently.

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  2. I certainly don't wish for J. to be any sterner than she is - even though I recognize that she has the right to decide what punishment I deserve. Yet, I sometimes wish she might spare me the shame of being spanked or whipped under the eyes of some of her friends* - or in hotel rooms where it can be overheard...

    L.

    * Except for her sister..

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  3. Norman's latest comment, now deleted: "You constantly say there are “no limits” in DD."

    Umm, nope never said anything of the kind. What I am comfortable saying is YOU don't get to set those limits for anyone but yourself, as much as that offends your narcissistic sense of self-importance. See ya sweetie.

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    1. Was the implication that large numbers of men are being injured/hospitalized/maimed in DD activiites? I'd imagine that would be on the news, if it were the case.
      The poll couldn't be clearer that men don't seem to have much of a problem there.
      CrimsonKing

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    2. As you say, the poll could not be clearer, but the implications for his arguments are devastating. So, he tried to pivot the conversation by insisting I need to be more specific about what the limits should be, after first accusing me of saying there are none. (It's always far easier, btw, to take on the argument you wish was made instead of the one that actually was. It's called a "strawman.") Of course he is welcome to put on his own blog--the one he puts so much time into that that is devoted to all the poor men damaged physically and emotionally by DD relationships gone wrong--oh . . . wait . . .

      He also apparently missed the part of the topic where I asked people "What does all that look like?" People are welcome to get as detailed as they want regarding what "more" means and does not mean to them.

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  4. I am content with the degree of strictness that Merry uses. If she wanted to step it up, I would accept it with equanamity, but I think she is too easy going to do that.
    If she chose to demonstrate her pants-wearing in public, I would accept it in good humor.
    Unlike L, i think I would enjoy being disciplined while friends watch. Well, at least once, you know.
    I have been naked and beaten plenty at dungeon BDSM parties, so I don't think it would bother me.

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    1. Thanks, Shilo. You seem to be the essence of equanimity!

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  5. thanks for that bit in the end welcoming disciplined women too. while I'm not in a DD relationship, i too agree that a consistent schedule of maintenance/ reconnect spankings (which we do practise) is very useful in keeping my mindset stable and prevent me from letting my thoughts and imagination runaway. Mostly I'm pretty good so BIKSS doesn't have a lot to do by way of reprimanding or anything, but it is very reassuring when he does get into a more dominant zone than usual.

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    1. Hi Fondles. We keep saying we are going to implement some kind of maintenance, but it just never seems to stick. "Real life" always seems to get in the way.

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  6. Happy Thanksgiving Dan et al. Hope everyone had a great holiday and got to relax.

    As for being “out”....We fall firmly under the camp of being EXTREMELY sensitive about keeping this aspect of our relationship private and discreet..... secretive. We still have high school age kids in the house we wouldn’t want to be aware nor do we want our friends to know. However there has been a new dynamic which has evolved. Now when we are in public, in a place/area that we have COMPLETE confidence we don’t have to worry about running into anyone we’d know, she no longer feels the need to refrain. It happened for a first time while we were traveling. We were shopping (for her) and it was taking over our entire afternoon and I was frustrated (a nice way of saying I had become pissed). The store was packed and at one point she needed her hands free to look at something so she innocuously called me over from the chair I had found asking me to hold her purse. Given the mood I was in and being reflexively annoyed being “summoned” in front of others as well as I think it’s a universal guy thing about holding a purse in public. So I called back..”JESUS!....just put it down!!!!!”.....It came out louder and angrier than intended and I incaught myself the second i heard my own words. She paused, I came to learn after the fact she was accessing the situation we were in and for the first time I got “the look” and heard the tone that until then she had only used w me in private as she said....”DID YOU HEAR ME!!!!.... as she held her bag out. A tingle went down my spine and I could physically feel the red rise on me face as i saw the woman next to her try not to look over at me. I think we both froze for a fraction of a second both thinking “OMG...is this ok”....but as I said it was all of a fraction of a second!!!!! The next 2 days of the trip were perhaps some of the most exhilarating of our DD journey. It wasn’t until the car ride home from the airport that we even addressed or discussed what had just happened for the past couple days. (Or the fact that I hadn’t had such a sustained erection since I was a teenager lol). Since then, as long as we know it’s “safe”...... we don’t see any reason to restrain it.

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    1. Thanks, Darren. That's great that she took it to that level in public. BTW, I probably would have reacted the same way in the store. You're right -- probably close to a universal guy thing.

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    2. Darren, We too keep things very secret, and also have a school-age child at home. However, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the idea of being slightly more public in some situation where we can be sure that nobody knows us. This is something that we simply MUST try! I can't believe I have never thought of it, considering just how much I think about these things.

      -ZM

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    3. ZM-
      The ability for it to finally be able to flow naturally as part of your every day life, not always having the nagging feeling in the back of your head that you have to think twice and filter yourself before you speak/act in this context in front of others…. is truly liberating. We had adopted DD for the purpose of addressing and helping change my behavioral "issues", we don't use it for erotic purposes nor do we "role play". However I will say, once she had broken the ice with that initial incident in the store, and she saw how acceptingly I reacted to it, for those next 2 days of our trip I know my wife was enjoying and took FULL advantage of being able to finally say things when she wanted and how she wanted, spontaneously in the moment, without having regard others. Now clearly, we would never embarrass ourselves publicly or be rude by making “innocent bystanders” around us uncomfortable, so it is never anything untoward or “over the top”. But that said, unexpectedly to me, there is something strangely “exciting” for lack of a better word about being reprimanded, kept in check or acquiescing to her authority publicly, hence my prior comment. It wasn’t lost on my wife that I spent a lot of time with my hands in the front pockets of my pants hiding the very apparent physical effect it would have on me. Additionally, I travel extensively for work so as a seasoned business traveler I always request hotel rooms at the end of the hall so I'm not bothered by the noise of people passing by my door.....that was fortunate on this trip for the converse reason.....I was glad that people weren’t walking past and hearing the noise coming out of our room from the multiple spankings I received that trip.

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    4. I have more than once been threatened of "a good spanking" within earshot of 'stranger' women - whether in a mall, or (once) in the ladies' restroom - where an actual spanking was administered! Far more often, however, I have been given a taste of the hairbrush or of the martinet in the many hotel rooms where we stayed - whether with N. (my late first wife), or with J.- and I never thought, or dared, to request a room "at the end of the hallway", which means (I know!) that we were overheard many times...
      L.

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    5. Yes, you have indeed been spanked (or warned of an impending spanking) within earshot of 'strangers' - but think of the many more times when N. (or I) have spanked or whipped you under the eyes of some our friends!
      J.

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    6. How could I forget, since that's how you learned how N. had 'educated' me!...
      L.

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    7. I have a similar reaction when anticipating spankings.

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  7. I hate the phrase "wears the pants in the family" as a way of saying who is in charge. That phrase is a relic of a time period when women wore exclusively skirts/dresses and men were assumed to be in charge. Now, women wear whichever they want, whereas men wear exclusively pants. In a literal sense, both of us wear the pants in the family, but only one of us wears the skirt in the family.

    When my wife seems hesitant to make a decision that I disagree with, I point out that she is the one that wears the skirt in our family. She understands that to mean that I will defer to her judgment even if I don't agree with her. Maybe there will come a day when "wearing the skirt in the family" will carry this meaning in the general population as well.

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  8. Wow, Dan, there were a lot of questions this week! I will try to answer as completely as possible, grouping them together as I understand them to be.

    "Do you want her to be more strict with you? More verbally commanding? More openly dominant? What does all that look like? I'm particularly interested in the views of those who want their partner to be more openly dominant. Does that include being so in public, so it becomes clear that she 'wears the pants' in the relationship? Tell us all about it, and please be as specific as possible."

    This depends. Most of the time, I expect her to be her normal, super-nice self. But when I do cross the line and she decides that a little strictness is in order, then I want her to be absolutely strict and firm, with not a trace of mercy in sight. At these times, the more verbally strict she can be, the better, since it helps me to submit to the authority we have agreed that she has.

    As far as being publicly dominant, that will always be pretty limited considering the culture in which we live, which is VERY traditional. But in any environment, she shouldn't hesitate to quietly tell me that I had better do (or not do) something, OR ELSE! Also, she can at any time let me know that I have earned a punishment when we get home.

    Having read what Darren wrote, I am very intrigued by the idea of doing something in public in a place where nobody could possibly know us. Not something that would make other people too uncomfortable, of course, but something that would be very humiliating to me, and evident to anyone who is very observant.


    " If spankings are too mild to get the job done, what do you wish for in terms of intensity, duration, frequency, etc."

    She has recently gotten very, very good at spanking much harder when we play, so I am kind of afraid to experience what a real punishment will be like when one happens.

    As far as what I wish for in intensity and duration, this is rather simple. I wish for a punishment to be hard enough that I really feel like I cannot take it (though I must), and I wish for it to not end until well after the point I am wanting it to end.

    In general, I don't want the punishment to fit the crime. If I have done something that warrants punishment, even if it is minor, once she has decided that she will punish me then the punishment should be severe enough to be all I can think about for a couple of days, and something I will not soon forget, if ever.

    On a related note, I think the most effective punishments often include extra punishments other than spanking, and these are best if they do fit the crime, so are in some way related to the subject at hand. For example, mouth soaping for language, etc.

    As for frequency, I guess that depends mostly on me and my actions and behaviors, and also on how often she feels like it is needed. But overall, punishments should be hard enough that neither of us want them more than every month or so.


    "If you would like her to be more strict, what would that entail? Need more lecturing and verbal dominance? What would you like her to do on that score?"

    I expect that like most everyone who is into DD or FLR, I want much, much more strictness, lecturing, and verbal dominance when I am being punished. I want to fully understand her feelings on the issue, and fully understand why my actions are not ok, since I tend to rationalize everything I do.

    -ZM

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    1. "As far as what I wish for in intensity and duration, this is rather simple. I wish for a punishment to be hard enough that I really feel like I cannot take it (though I must), and I wish for it to not end until well after the point I am wanting it to end. In general, I don't want the punishment to fit the crime. If I have done something that warrants punishment, even if it is minor, once she has decided that she will punish me then the punishment should be severe enough to be all I can think about for a couple of days, and something I will not soon forget, if ever. On a related note, I think the most effective punishments often include extra punishments other than spanking, and these are best if they do fit the crime, so are in some way related to the subject at hand. For example, mouth soaping for language, etc."

      All really great points. Thanks, ZM.

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  9. Checking only to see if this gets through
    anna

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  10. I'm probably not in the proper frame of mind to answer this right now, but perhaps this is a good thing in terms of letting others know that real DD is not all sunshine and lollipops.....or given the connotations of submission....mashed sweet potatoes and marshmallows. I have been very busy for the last few days and it has taken a toll. So while I answered that I too would like "harder, stricter, etc.", the reality is that I want that when I want that and I don't want that when I don't........which is utterly unfair to Rosa's sense of confidence and yet all too human in terms of how things go in real life.

    Right now I'm tired and irritable and if Rosa wanted to 'play' I'd probably welcome it, but if she was 'stricter' and pointed out some actual, true, little flaw in the midst of everything I've done recently, and wanted to seriously punish me for it, I would probably flip out rather than gushingly bow to her heightened sense of strictness.

    In fact, you might remember that flail I made/modified back in the summer for the RenFaire? Lately I have a fantasy of carrying it around with me wherever I go and using it on cars that cut me off or people who behave cruelly and without civil consideration. And when I read the news???? It's a good thing I don't live in D.C. or I'd have been arrested by now! So you see, I'm probably not sending out subby vibes to those around me.

    But this will pass as it always does....and I'll be back to wanting the strictness that I just so effectively sabotaged.

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    1. I'm coming off a somewhat similar mindset. I went several months being in a very dominant head space where work was concerned, and I kind of had to be. My wife and I also have had some issues where we just aren't seeing eye-to-eye, and it's on fairly significant things. That has not been a good combination, i.e. being in a dominant mindset at exactly the same time that someone wants me to do something I don't want to do. But, as you said, this will pass, and will do so right after I helped sabotage some real progress. Welcome to real life . . .

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  11. UGH! I think my reply got eaten. I'll try again:

    In order for this thing that we do to work, it requires cooperation from the person being spanked.

    Shilo is much bigger and stronger than I am. There is no way I can make him submit to a disciplinary spanking. Sure, he might want me to act more Dominant and give harsher spankings more often, but I can't do that unless he chooses to cooperate. I will often have a moody oversized toddler on my hands with no way to to work with him. Sometimes I just have to wait it out. Sometimes I have to choose what my priorities are. Do I want a loving Partner, or do I want a surly unbearable grouch? The next time he cooperates, I just hand out something harsher without mentioning that he did x on y date, because if I mention the x on y date, all I wind up doing is sabotaging myself.

    In the past few days, disciplining Shilo is back on track as well as funishment. Have I "caught up" on all the missed disciplinary measures that I feel he earned? That's not something I'm willing to disclose. I will say that Shilo is finally taking a part in speaking up when he feels I'm being disrespected by either Stitch or my children, and I really appreciate it.

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    1. I don't disagree that a successful disciplinary relationship depends on active cooperation. (In fact, it's one reason that Gravano's never-ending whining about "cruel" spankings seems so contrived, because it's not like most of the men in these relationships are incapably of successful physical resistance.) I'm guessing women deal with the lack of it in many ways. Anna has said one of her rules is if Peter resists, then the DD aspect of their relationship is over. Or, maybe another wife would tolerate it a time or two, then call it quits. Others might tolerate it at that moment, but then make him submit to double spankings to make up for it, or add some non-spanking punishment. So, it seems there would be lots of ways of dealing with non-cooperation. But, that could include just calling an end to the whole thing if it is being treated like a game or if the recipient's actions show that is pretty much what it is for them, i.e. a spanking fetish dressed up as DD. I personally would not blame any wife who drew a line in the sand that chronic non-compliance means no DD, period.

      I realize, I am on a little bit of a soapbox right now on this "authenticity" issue right now. I think that one thing that separates DD and BDSM is the former really, at its core, requires that it be "real." Otherwise, it's just a spin on a BDSM fantasy or spanking fetish. Chronic lack of cooperation--by either party--would be a signal to me that what is going on either is not real, or there is a lack of commitment by one party or the other to making it real.

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    2. Chronic lack of cooperation is something that I (fortunately) haven't had to deal with, and when it comes to behavior, Shilo is definitely more well-mannered than most.

      You (the general you) can balance DD and BDSM but again, cooperation is necessary, and making allowances for life situations such as health and work issues is necessary.

      "Real" and "true" can be very subjective as well, and I avoid using those words when it comes to talking about the dynamics of other's relationships.

      The goal (for me) is to reduce the necessity of disciplining Shilo for what I consider to be negative behaviors. If I'm repeatedly spanking him for drinking alcohol (as an example) then there's a real problem there. Obviously my disciplinary measures are useless, and he has no respect for me or my desires to help him be a better man.

      Does Shilo sometimes slip up, and do things that I've disciplined him for in the past, such as not using his turn signal in the car? Yes, but often all he requires in cases like that is a verbal reminder.

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  12. I should really have appeared on your Lurker posting the other week; time got the better of me but I hope you don't mind two cents' worth from a non-regular contributor here.

    One of the main differences that I can see between the FLR that my wife and I have and some of those enjoyed by mainstays of this site is that 'funishment' isn't a part of our daily or even weekly round. I can't say that I EVER enjoy being beaten; if I can at any point be said to appreciate the experience, it is afterwards, in the knowledge that our respective positions in the household have once again been emphasised. Harmony, so to speak, has been restored.

    You see, my wife believes that domestic discipline is an extremely serious matter, not in any way to be confused with her notion of fun (which tends more to the collar and leash side of things, for some reason). This is why when she decides to apply one of her implements to my backside, she doesn't stipulate the number of strokes that I am to receive. Instead, she places a clock within easy sight and lays on until the alarm goes off. I never have any idea when that point will come and in any case, I am expected to listen to the lecture that she is delivering while she is beating me.

    Resistance doesn't cross my mind; to begin with, my submission to my wife's authority was very much a decision that was arrived at mutually, almost simultaneously, in fact, with no form of coercion on either side. Physically, I might be able to resist if I chose, but she is extremely strong in her own right and I would need to be at the top of my game. Mentally, it's not an issue. My wife's control in the house and beyond is absolute, developed over a number of years and now hard-wired into both of us.

    Punishment is one small aspect of the relationship that we have and it is always designed to fit the crime; beating me, in turn, is just one weapon that my wife has in her arsenal and is used only for specific infractions of her rules. Being human, I make mistakes. I try very hard not to make the same one twice for the reasons that Merry outlines above. At least I understand what the ground rules are and can have no complaint when they are rigorously enforced, as they always are.

    Nor can I have any complaints about the way in which my wife chooses to enforce her authority in general. She doesn't shout or stamp her foot because she doesn't have to. She speaks softly and carries a big stick; no-one among our friendship circle is in any doubt whose word is law in our house and I doubt that many of you on this site woud harbour any doubts if you saw us for the first time either.

    Fascinating blog, by the way - keep up the good work.

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    1. Thanks, Anonymous. Our dynamic is similar in that "funishment" isn't a part of it at all. I personally am glad about that, as I don't think it would be a helpful mix.

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    2. Funishment, a word I have never come across before but one I could use for my benefit as I encourage Mrs GL to enjoy her role more. Cheers Good Life Mickey.

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  13. Not that I really care :) but I thought Dan, your comment " I think that one thing that separates DD and BDSM is the former really, at its core, requires that it be "real." was quite thought provoking in that we never 'play' or do a 'scene' (and no criticism to those folk who get off on that). Every session is real in that a) I didn't ask for it and b) it goes on as long or as short as She decides and c) it always hurts!.

    The way I see it is that I have given a 'general' consent that I will submit and never resits to whatever/whenever punishment She decides is needed. That sense of 'never quite knowing' the when, how hard, etc is what makes this whole thing so real ... for me.

    TB

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    1. Totally agree TB !
      peter



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    2. Same here. Though, I am torn on the "when" part. In some ways, not knowing when one may happen makes it real. On the other hand, anticipating one I know is coming also helps drive home the point.

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  14. Hello Dan,
    I have voted that the frequency and the severity of my spankings are just right. If i'm needing discipline, i'm allowed to set a mark on our chalkboard. Meaning a Punishment is necessary. We discussed these procedure and don't see a topping from the bottom.
    I'm heading for more pressure in normal life. In noticing her Authority.
    My loving wife may be more openly dominant in giving Order for pampering her. I adore doing chores for her.
    And being more openly dominant in public. I think that i will not have a problem, when people realise that She wears the Pants. Once she stated among friends that she has no problems with my sharp wording in discussions. At home she demands me being kind.
    I commented this statememt and the asking views of my friends with a smile and was so proud of my wife and Madame.
    This is shifting from Role - Play to Real - Life.
    Colette

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  15. I voted for increased strictness, meaning I wish she would increase the number of times she felt a spanking was warranted. It seems like too often she will allow things to slide. As far as the intensity she delivers the punishment, it is about right. Long and hard enough to make me never to commit that infraction. Most or our friends and family know she is the dominant partner in our relationship. They may or may not know I actually get spanked for discipline. I really would not mind if anyone knew about the physical spankings, I am a spanked adult male submissive and not ashamed of my role.
    As far as exercising her dominance in public, she gives me the look saying I am to be punished, however, it would not bother me if she stated in a non-secretive voice, 'You're getting spanked for that'.

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  16. Dan
    For wives who come to DD by way of their man's desires, it takes a lot of trial and error, patience with each other, and for Peter the hardest to accept that we do this my way, in my time frame and only I choose what is or is not something that requires discipline.



    In my regime I feel very strongly that there should not be any sex after a discipline session. We may cuddle but no release. Once there has been discipline, all resentment of my part has to be left behind.
    This works for us. Recently we have been experimenting more subtle public displays of my control.
    Anna

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    1. Hi Anna. You say, "all resentment on my part has to be left behind." Do you find it does work that way? Does your resentment over whatever led to the punishment go away once that punishment has been delivered?

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    2. Anna- You make such an important point! Since as you note DD is typically introduced and sought by the husband, one of the hardest things we husbands need to realize and accept... she is going to need to come to it in her own way, on her own time line. Then since she's the one delivering punishment....she will be the one that decides what is actually punishable and how. PATIENCE with each other is key...and there is a large degree of trial and error to figure out what works for you as a couple. I would bet that a vast majority of us hubs unknowingly are initially "topping from the bottom"....until we learn that it only starts to work when you do what you say you want.....hand over control of this aspect to her and let her do it her way!

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    3. dan
      I cant answer for you but for me yes if I have disciplined Peter properly, my resentment goes away. That is not to say it doesnt reapear. If he has to be reminded again the following week with another session that we dont repeat the session.
      anna
      Anna

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    4. Dan
      correct the last sentence please : Should say IF HE HAS TO BE REMINDED AGAIN THE FOLLOWING WEEK WITH ANOTHER SESSION IT WILL BE REPEATED AND PERHAPS I WILL CHOOSE TO BE HARSHER.
      ANNA

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    5. Got it. Thanks, Anna. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving.

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    6. Hi Anna, out of curiosity, why do you think there shouldn't be any sex following a discipline session?

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  17. I want her to be spanking harder. I am keen for her to use the heavier implements more often, as well as build up her arm strength.

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