The Club - Meeting 414 - Reporting, Self-Reporting & Check-ins

“Nothing quite encourages as does one's first unpunished crime.”- Marquis de Sade

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are, or would like to be, in a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

 

 

I hope you had a good week.  Mine seemed to fly by, though I can’t say I accomplished very much.  But, at least we’re one week closer to the sexiest holiday of the year!

 

 

 

I really do love this time of year, though this weekend definitely started feeling like that transitional week between autumn and something distinctly more wintery, though there still are some trees with green leaves around our neighborhood.

  

Last week’s discussion was one of those that never seemed to quite gel and it kind of sputtered out near the end.  Though in both the last two sessions there have been individual comments that really resonated with me. Just a few that “got to me” in one way or another, including several from KOJ:

 

How some wives take to expanding their power with sometimes surprising alacrity.

 

“My wife also quickly morphed from misbehaviors in her presence to any misbehavior. She would question me about my driving, my drinking, my attitude to customer service people, my respect level for female co-workers, etc., and punish me accordingly.” – KOJ

 

How sometimes behavior correction is about a wife escalating until she gets enough “leverage” to get the husband’s attention sufficiently to effectuate a real behavior change.

 

 

"Then came the shock of my life that I have previously mentioned when she took me upstairs during a party and set me on fire with a hairbrush that could be clearly heard, and then we returned to the party. Now that was a surprise! But I must say that it dramatically improved my behavior out in public because I did not want a repeat of the embarrassment." – KOJ

 

A reminder about the difference between actions and words, no matter how well-meaning the words might be.

 

“As far as contrition, she was of the school that talk is cheap and the only way to demonstrate true contrition was to improve my behavior. She knew full well that I would promise anything while she was whacking away!” - KOJ

 

Then, this one that presses several buttons for me, including the express connection to maternal discipline and how it indirectly led to KOJ’s adult discipline relationship, and a wife’s increasingly brazen openness about her authority.

 

“Like most couples here, I was the one who suggested corporal punishment. I still remember the question my wife asked me: "What would your mother do if you disrespected her the way you disrespect me?" "Thrash my ass," I answered truthfully. She said nothing, and a few days later I went to her and suggested she use Mom's technique, and promised her I would accept it. About a week later the first spanking happened.

 

“The "anywhere, any time, for any reason" grew out of our shared belief that the best way to break bad habits is with immediate consequences -- similar to the gentleman who got spanked in front of the light switch he forgot to turn off. For years those immediate consequences happened only when we were alone, but as I have mentioned she became much more brazen after our retirements, including threats in front of just about anyone and punishment in earshot of others. She never invited witnesses but there was one accidental witness, a story I will tell someday.”

 

A simple but profound statement from Alan about why “anytime, anywhere, for any reason” is arguably qualitatively different from a rule-based or conditional approach.

 

The big difference is her authority to discipline can’t be challenged and that was a game changer. – Alan

 

And, this reminder from Alan not to expect perfection.

 

"But expect it [a punishment that didn’t work or was “wrong” in place, time or reason] to happen once or twice in a mature DD. She isn’t perfect and neither are you."

 

 

Then there was this from Norton:

 

“Re. self reporting, we have established a bi-weekly check-in where she will ask me specific questions about my drinking, driving, etc. It is much easier to self-report if asked direct questions, and then your responsibility is to simply answer truthfully. She instituted this protocol, and I am grateful she did.” – Norton

 

The issues of reporting, self-reporting and check-ins had come up several times over the last couple of weeks, and I’d already decided to make it this week’s topic.  Donn and ZM then had an exchange that resulted in an articulation of a related topic:

 

(1) How do you, as a couple, help ensure that needed corrective action does NOT slip too far behind; how do you track pending corrective actions, and schedule the same;

 

(2) How do you, as a couple, deal with "missed corrections," or corrections that don't achieve the desired changes in behavior; how do you track previous "corrections" of misconduct to verify that changes in behavior persist, and assess "recurring/recalcitrant misconduct"?

 

The general problem of how to track offenses and “check in” on developments relevant to the DD aspects of the relationship had been on my mind, in large part due to my own failings in this area. For years, I’ve identified reporting, reminders, and check-ins, as key to consistency, or lack thereof, in our DD relationship.  Over those years, I’ve crafted lots of systems and processes, drafted various reporting forms, and committed to scheduling periodic check-ins.  

 

Yet, none of those plans have ever gotten much traction.  Why?  Because most of them require me to actually follow through with initiating the reporting or check-ins.  A long time ago, I set up a reminder in an on-line calendar.  Each week it sends me a reminder email, which I’m supposed to send to Anne as reminder to think about whether I’ve done anything that week to deserve a punishment.  I’m also supposed to report my own view on whether there have been any such offenses. 

 

Unfortunately, I’m the single point of failure in all these systems I’ve created.  I still get the emails every week, yet I seldom forward them to Anne. For a long time, we just seemed to move away from any sort of check-in system.  On other occasions, I’d get the email but, in my mind there was nothing to report, so I wouldn’t forward it along to Anne.

 

Lately, however, I find I’m most likely not to forward the emails on precisely those occasions when I know there has been some unpunished offense, and I don’t want to remind her of it.  We have a fairly long tradition of delayed punishment becoming no punishment, and sending a reminder email makes getting out of it at least a little less likely.

 

 

I take responsibility for my own failings in this area, yet I think there is a “real world vs. DD fantasy” element to those failures.  I mean, in the real world, how realistic is it to think that someone who has asked to have discipline imposed on them because they have trouble doing it themselves will magically develop such self-discipline when it comes to reporting that same conduct?  In the real world, aren't most offenses self-reported if, and only if, the offender knows he's going to get caught anyway, and often not even then?

 

My own failures in this area make me curious about how those for whom it does work have structured their approach to reporting or ferreting out offenses.  For example, when KOJ says his wife “would question me about my driving, my drinking, my attitude to customer service people, my respect level for female co-workers, etc.” how does that work logistically?  Same with ZM’s weekly check-in sessions.  When such interrogations or check-ins happen, what are the mechanics?  Are they scheduled for a certain day and time?  Who initiates the information exchange, him or her? Is there any kind of formal process, or is it more off-the-cuff?

 

There also is the timing element that was part of Donn’s topic articulation and that ZM and I also discussed.  As I said, part of me admires the approach of those wives who never let a substantial offense go unpunished, even if circumstances force a long-ish delay.  On the other hand, I find that if more than a few days separate the offense and the punishment, the latter loses most of its emotional force.

 

I look forward to your thoughts on these topics.  Have a great week.