Sunday, October 2, 2022

The Club - Meeting 411 - Loss of Spanker or Spankee and Selective Self-Discipline

“Discipline yourself, and others won't need to.” - John Wooden

 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are, or would like to be, in a Domestic Discipline relationship.  I hope you all had a great week.

 

While September was a lot of fun, I admit I’m a little glad to see it in the rearview mirror.  Kind of literally.  I had two big road trips, both consisting of some fairly adventurous travel.  In retrospect, it’s all going to be great.  But, in the here and now, it was pretty damn tiring.  Anne felt it too.  We both felt like September got very busy, without a hell of a lot of planning on our part.  It was all good, but we’re both in the mood for some downtime at home. 

 

Fortunately, our calendars and the weather are cooperating in that respect.  Definitely a chill in the air that wasn’t there just a couple of weeks ago. Long-term readers of this blog know, I freaking love this time of year.

 

 

One thing I needed to face up to after all the adventuring was the need to write a post.  Unfortunately, I had zero inspiration as to any particular topic. Thankfully, a couple of you helped me out over the last couple of days.  Here are a few of the relevant exchanges:

 

J:  When DD ends because of the passing of a spouse . . . If it was the spanker who passed away, how does the spanked spouse remain disciplined? If the spanked spouse passed away, how does the spanker adapt to not having a spouse to spank anymore?

 

I assume Aunt Kay's husband is still around, but I haven't heard anything on how he is staying disciplined in her absence. How have you remained disciplined since your wife's passing?

 

KOJ: I also suggest Dan consider this as a topic. The question might be: Are spanked husbands undisciplined people who need discipline imposed by their wives? It would seem at first blush as if a simple yes would suffice. But in my case, and it seems among many writers here, I was very self-disciplined in some aspects of my life (work, attitude at work) but not others (chores at home, attitude toward wife, exercise, food, alcohol, flirting, etc.). So can self-discipline be selective? Is that truly possible? Don't we have it or not have it? Can it be compartmentalized?

 

Or is something else at play, like we both bought into the dynamic of me as undisciplined to the point of naughtiness and her as my disciplinarian. Maybe it was all kink! Maybe me being undisciplined at home was a reason to create a power exchange that we both wanted in our marriage?

 

All of these questions have been rolling around in my mind since her passing,

 

J: I was very undisciplined (outside of the armed forces rules imposed on me) and getting married caused a sea change in my character! I suppose this speaks volumes about me! I seem to be prone to going off the rails without a firm hand on me. I am surprised I was able to get married at all, given my habits, but my wife no doubt saw what I could be with some discipline.

 

ZM:  KOJ said: "I was very self-disciplined in some aspects of my life (work, attitude at work) but not others (chores at home, attitude toward wife, exercise, food, alcohol, flirting, etc.)." - Are we twins? ;-) This pretty largely describes me.

 

"So can self-discipline be selective? Is that truly possible? Don't we have it or not have it? Can it be compartmentalized?" - I certainly think it is possible to be self-disciplined in some things and not in others. There are at least four things that could be at play.

 

1) Need - You are more likely to be "self-disciplined" if there is an actual need to be disciplined. So perhaps at work you felt more pressure to be self-disciplined, and when you were at home trying to relax, you didn't feel like it was as needed.

 

2) Reward (and consistency of timeline to see rewards) - perhaps at work, you knew that if you worked very hard and were very self-disciplined, you would get a good raise at the next review. The things you mentioned that were outside the workplace mostly have longer term rewards if you are self-disciplined, but immediate gratification if you aren't.

 

3) Audience - at home, you had mostly your wife to impress. At work, you had many people to notice your stellar performance and to praise you.

 

4) Desire - maybe you really wanted to get ahead at work, but didn't really care so much about some of the "home" things you mentioned as deeply?

 

"Or is something else at play, like we both bought into the dynamic of me as undisciplined to the point of naughtiness and her as my disciplinarian. Maybe it was all kink! Maybe me being undisciplined at home was a reason to create a power exchange that we both wanted in our marriage?" - Could be, but for me at least, I can say that I would be at least as undisciplined at home if I didn't have my wife around, so I am pretty sure that while we might like the "kink" aspect of our DD relationship, my self-discipline problem is real and runs much deeper than that.

 

Regarding the passing of a spouse, I haven’t experienced it directly, so I don’t have much to contribute on that specifically, but perhaps others with more experience can chime in.  I do think it might be helpful to expand the loss of a spouse or significant other to divorce and other permanent separations, as that might help get a few more responses. 

 

Regarding Aunt Kay’s husband, I am still in contact with him, though I actually don’t think he is “still around” if by that you mean around this blog.  When he stopped participating here and stopped updating his own blog, it was because he made a conscious decision to put that phase of his life behind him, I think because he wanted to ensure it wasn’t blocking his ability to move onto a different phase.  I don’t want to go into in a lot of detail because I don’t want to share confidences without permission, but I know there have been times when he screwed something up and felt the old need to be held accountable.

 

I have more to contribute regarding KOJ’s questions as to whether spanked husbands are merely undisciplined people who need discipline imposed by their wives, and whether self-discipline can be selective.

 


I have fairly strong feelings about the first part of that question.  Yes, we may lack discipline, but compared to whom? And, on what scale?  I think many many who gravitate toward this lifestyle have a lot of drive and energy and passion, but they also tend to hold themselves to very high—perhaps absurdly high—standards.  Maybe we need more discipline, but perhaps we also hold ourselves accountable far more than others.

 

I often think about this in relation to my own biggest behavioral challenge – binge drinking.  I always feel like it’s something I need to control better, yet I have many, many friends who drink far, far more than I do.  The difference is, when they wake up with a hangover, they see it as the natural price to be paid for the good they had. I, on other hand, tend to see it as a moral failing on my part.

 

While drinking too much is probably the starkest example, I can hold myself to absurdly high standards in many areas.  Exercise. Productivity at work. Business development at work. Time management.  Diet.  If you asked people who know me how I do in those areas, I think many would say I’m more disciplined than the norm.  Yet, internally, I feel like I’ve let myself down if I’m not either perfect or working toward it.

 

Conversely, I feel like many who are most proud of their self-discipline and ability to follow rules are, in fact, natural followers who don’t give into temptation because they don’t feel much of it.  It’s the difference between a race horse and a stable pony.  One may be full of rebellious energy, but man what great things can happen when it’s directed and focused.  The other doesn’t create much trouble, but what does it accomplish in the end, other than its primary purpose of settling the more spirited down?

  

Regarding whether discipline can be selective, I’m of two minds.  On the one hand, I do feel like when I let my self-discipline slip in one area, it tends to spread like a cancer to other areas as well.  There definitely is an “all or nothing” aspect to it for me.  

 


 

On the other hand, it definitely is the case that I’m more likely to let the self-discipline slip in some areas than others.  When it came to work, I could always outwork pretty much anyone.  If I had a major matter I was handling, I would walk through a minefield to meet the client’s goals.  I’m also pretty disciplined around exercise and physical health.

 

On the other hand, I can’t seem to make myself clean up my office no matter how often I set it as a goal.  I spend way too much time surfing the internet and watching TV, no matter how often I tell myself it’s a waste of energy.  I’ve had lots of ideas for books I want to write, yet I seldom get around to putting pen to paper.

 

I think ZM is right in his four-factor analysis, though for me the categories of “need” and “audience” entail a desire to avoid failing or humiliating myself in front of others.  

 

I’ve always believed that while my profession seemed hyper-competitive, a lot of that behavior was driven by chronic insecurity.  In short, in those contexts I either didn’t need external discipline or the prospect of losing respect within my professional or social groups was itself a form of external discipline.

 


 

I also have issues that seem to be impervious to self-discipline and that cut across multiple social contexts. I can have a bad temper, and it flares at work, at home, while driving, while in the gym if someone is monopolizing equipment or leaving a mess in the locker room, etc.  I have told my wife several times that I feel like she should make disrespect something she punishes for much more aggressively, but I also wonder sometimes how amenable that problem would be to external discipline. 

  

 

I created quite a few problems for myself at work because I couldn’t hold my temper, yet whatever consequences occurred never stopped me.  Though, those consequences tended to play out over time and were kind of amorphous, which isn’t a prescription for effective behavior modification. 

 

 

Perhaps a more immediate and concrete consequence—a spanking other quick, sure disciplinary punishment—might have an impact (no pun intended), where workplace consequences failed.

  

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on all this, and thanks to J. and KOJ for their topic suggestions.

 

In the meantime, happy October.

 


 


54 comments:

  1. Welcome back, Dan. I love the briskness in the air right now. It keeps me alert, much like a brisk spanking.

    I am one of those who gets discipline to perfect my high standards and ambitions. I also want discipline in areas in which I struggle to make any progress. I don't have much of that, though. My wife finds it stressful, demoralizing and unsexy to manage habits that I don't take seriously. If I'm lazy and uncaring, she doesn't want to keep an eye on me and cajole me into the spanking.

    She's not yet a spanko or learned to relish the authority or benefits of spanking. So I hold some hope that she'll decide she wants to tackle those areas and help me progress faster.

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    1. "My wife finds it stressful, demoralizing and unsexy to manage habits that I don't take seriously. If I'm lazy and uncaring, she doesn't want to keep an eye on me and cajole me into the spanking."

      While I understand the desire to have that kind of "life coach, but with accountability" from your spouse, I also get why so few of them are willing to sign up for it. I think DD is most likely to work when the disciplinary spouse focuses on things that make *them* dissatisfied, not things that make *us* dissatisfied. I think it's great if your spouse is willing to take on that kind of "coaching" role, but I understand why many aren't.

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    2. I agree with Dan my wife does not always want to deal with the issues that
      I have asked that she discipline me for but she will discipline me for bad habits that she wants to address

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    3. I don't want to play Ann Landers here but here is what worked very well for us when we started: we sat down through a couple of sessions and came up with a list we mutually agreed to, a real fusing of my fantasy and her desires. It was just a starter and ultimately we went to an “any time for any reason” giving her unchallenged authority ( which is the only thing that really works long time )
      But the starter was critical because it really involved her and made us both realize my needs were just part of it and even secondary to her needs.She has to feel that she "owns" it from the beginning Give it a try if you feel like it.
      Alan

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    4. Alan said: "...ultimately we went to an 'any time for any reason' giving her unchallenged authority ( which is the only thing that really works long time )" - I agree with everything you wrote in your comment, but particularly agreed with your statement that in the long term she must have unchallenged authority for it to really work.

      Most of our discipline flows from our weekly check-ins, which are largely centered around health and fitness, household chores, social interaction, and general organization. I probably am the larger beneficiary from most of these things, but my wife is fine with enforcing these not only because she cares about me and my wellbeing, but she also benefits from it as well.

      I still generally think that DD becomes real as soon as the wife realizes that it can be a powerful tool to help her get what she wants.

      -ZM

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    5. Alan, I agree that a structured conversation and some formality around what is punishable, with buy-in from both, can be a big help when getting a DD relationship started. I also agree it's a good starting place if the goal is to get to something more like a "any time for any reason" type of authority. Obviously, not everyone is going to want to move in that direction, but I suspect many relationships that begin with a formal set of rules migrate there over time.

      ZM, you do seem to be that rare exception where maybe a majority of the discipline flows from your own set of self-improvement goals, versus things that have more of a direct and immediate negative impact on her.

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  2. Hi Dan and welcome back. I think I would like to write more on the weeks topic but for now I will just address the question of whether one can compartmentalize discipline.

    For me the answer is a resounding Yes, absolutely. I have enormous self-discipline in many areas yet lack it in many others. I remember so well my former GF saying to me words to this effect: Alan, you are so self-disciplined in (and she mentioned several area) yet you act like a 12 year old in (and she named several other areas).

    She had seen me in my professional and public life and now she was seeing the sometimes-childish immature and irresponsible side of my private life (especially in relationships) She struggled some with putting her head around my compartmentalized behavior. But when she did I think it made her the disciplinarian she became.

    My wife had similar experiences with men before she met me. She believes most men have that childish little boy side (tantrums, irresponsibility, etc. and that most women can bring that out and deal with it if she wants to do so.
    There is another dimension to this issue of whether one can be self- disciplined in some areas but lack it in others. When you enter a DD relationship your behavior is being judged by your wife or girlfriend. So, her judgement really determines if your behavior is well disciplined or not.
    And you find yourself being evaluated for things you probably never considered important before such as not cleaning up a mess, missing a chore or disobeying a “minor rule.” The last spanking, I got was for spilling my coffee in three spots and not cleaning it up while carrying it from the kitchen to my office working on a important project. I was very self-disciplined about finishing the project but my wife felt she had to supply the discipline for my disrespect for her rules about the house
    Alan

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    1. "She struggled some with putting her head around my compartmentalized behavior. But when she did I think it made her the disciplinarian she became." I think you put your finger on a big issue in the early stages of these relationships -- how can the disciplinary spouse get into the head of the spouse who needs/wants discipline to figure out what exactly it is they need and in what contexts, when they may not even know themselves.

      And you find yourself being evaluated for things you probably never considered important before such as not cleaning up a mess, missing a chore or disobeying a “minor rule.” I had something kind of like this happen recently. It was s more serious issue, but it did raise the problem of what happens when there is a disagreement over either whether something is a problem or, in the case of my recent incident, just how important it was. You're right that, at least in the more FLR-oriented versions of DD, "When you enter a DD relationship your behavior is being judged by your wife or girlfriend. So, her judgement really determines if your behavior is well disciplined or not." Yet, I've found that it can be very hard to navigate that in the moment, especially if the FLR element is not very well-established.

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    2. Dan said: “I’ve found that it can be very hard to navigate that in the moment,”
      Beyond a doubt this is hard but once it happens a couple of times without recriminations, the DD is real
      Alan

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    3. I agree that one of the harder things about DD is when you are punished for - or even just evaluated for - something that you don't necessarily agree with or consider important. However, I think one of the most powerful things about DD is its ability to cause a change in mindset. In at least a few cases, the fact that my wife thought something was important enough to punish me for made me realize that issue was much more important than I previously thought. Had she simply talked to me about how she felt, I may or may not have grasped just how much it impacted her, but when she took action on it, it suddenly was very clear to me.

      -ZM

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    4. Alan and ZM, I agree with you both, and I think I long ago got to a point where I don't react or fight against any application of DD itself. Where I think the struggle still is for me, and probably will be for me, is around the more decidedly FLR or D/s elements, particularly anything involving being bossed around or, most definitely, verbally chastised or lecture. I do OK with it up to a point, but there is definitely a point where it crosses some emotional lines.

      It also may be a matter of where each of us is on the spectrum of how much DD is about humbling and/or humiliation. When Danielle was on here and talked about her bossing and chastising her husband Wayne, it was clear that it wasn't hurtful because he was wired such that he actually got off on the humiliation element. I definitely am not wired that way. For me, the humbling aspect has always been more functional or tactical, i.e. I think it is good for me to have some of the arrogance and intensity kept in check. But, as I said, it definitely can cross a line that leads to real resentment in a way that DD never does.

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    5. Dan wrote: … “most definitely, verbally chastised or lecture. I do OK with it up to a point, but there is definitely a point where it crosses some emotional lines.”

      Dan, can you clarify the lines here some – particularly where it crosses some “emotional lines”. Like you but apparently unlike Danielle’s husband I do not get off at all on humiliation either.
      But being humbled during discipline by a scolding can add to the overall discipline experience and can be a big part of it. The truth probably is that I love it when she takes me to the point that I want the punishment to start either because I feel so bad about the behavior or just want her to stop the scolding.

      I have never experienced the BDSM style of humiliation or want to, but have received some pretty severe scolding’s and lectures from my wife without feeling she had crossed any lines.
      On the other hand, she does limit the serious lectures to times when some kind of pants down discipline is imminent and maybe that the distinction you are drawing. I probably would resent any extensive verbal chastisement if she didn’t follow it up with DD. That, if repeated very often would become nagging and avoiding nagging is one of the huge benefits of DD
      Alan

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    6. Hey Alan, happy to clarify by email but not for general consumption. Shoot me an email if you're interested in discussing further.

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    7. Understood !

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  3. Hi everyone and welcome back, Dan. I lost my spankER through a divorce and although it is unlike a death, it did leave me wanting. I was very lucky, and that period lasted less than a year. When I met and begin dating my now current life partner, I was not hesitant about telling her of my past marriage. When we became serious, I included more details about my desire for earned discipline. When she asked me to move in with her, I laid it all out. Told her I wanted a DD household and an FLR. We discussed all aspects including what was expected from each other and the relationship itself. Although having a vanilla marriage, she was European and a schoolteacher, so there was a dominant streak deep within her. She took to her 'new' dominant role quickly and gave me a 'let's get started' spanking on my move in. That was over 12 years ago and our FLR is still going strong.

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    1. "Although having a vanilla marriage, she was European and a schoolteacher, so there was a dominant streak deep within her." I love that characterization!

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    2. Spanked Cowboy, glad to hear it worked out for you, though I would still go to extremely great lengths never to run the risk of finding out how badly wrong life could go without my spanker wife!

      J

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  4. I hope to make a number of relatively short comments. It's my journalism writing training: "Tight, bright, and right!"
    You may be most interested in what it's like to lose a disciplinarian. So far, about two years in, it has been much easier than I anticipated. I am not leaving dishes in the sink, socks on the floor, or the toilet seat up. I am not driving too fast, being rude to idiotic customer service people, or masturbating excessively. These are all things my wife punished me for.

    I think there are two main reasons for not backsliding. First, I was well-trained. When negative reinforcement is consistent -- and believe me when I say my wife was an enthusiastic spanker in frequency and in force -- then the changed behavior becomes habitual. Like Pavlov's dogs, I have no reason to revert back to previous transgressions just because my "bell" isn't being "rung." My training is ingrained.

    The second reason is even more important. I still behave the way she demanded due to my respect for her. She is gone but my love for her is not. To revert back to fast cars and socks on the foor is disrespectful to her and to the wonderful DD marriage we had. I will not sully these memories. I want her to continue to be proud of me -- wherever her essence may be. And make no mistake, she was extremely proud of the husband she created.
    KOJ

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    1. Glad to see there are some long-term effects with you KOJ. I would hope the same thing would happen to me if I were in that situation, though my confidence that I wouldn't go off the rails without my wife's restraining hand is extremely low! I already see what goes wrong without my wife's restraining hand when I am away from her for shorter periods due to military duties, so I have had some taste!

      The difference in what I am like now compared to what I was like before getting married is enormous! I admit I would go to extremely great lengths not to be in a situation where I would have to find out!

      J

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    2. KOJ, it's great there's been no backsliding. Other than fast cars. Every guy deserves a fast car. Or motorcycle.

      J, I suspect I'd be in the same boat. I see foreshadowings even now. Every once in a while, I start feeling like maybe I don't need or want DD after all. Like clockwork, soon after having those thoughts I go off the rails in some respect.

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    3. “I am not driving too fast, being rude to idiotic customer service people, or masturbating excessively”

      I think KOJ’s experience is exemplary but not the norm. I would probably struggle to maintain her standards for a while but would eventually fall off the wagon. And many of her behavioral standards are linked to our relationship (masturbation is a big one) and so the standards themselves would make no sense. Undoubtedly there would be some lingering effects on my behavior butt so much of it is now tied to her expectations, that very little would be the same.
      Alan

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    4. Alan, yes, indeed. Regarding the "m" word, marriage normally involves having an outlet so that it is unnecessary. In the context of a tour, there is often enough combat action going on so that I am distracted from some things, but certainly, in the longer term, if I were alone again for a longer period (say widowhood or separation) in situations where I had time on my hands, I would quickly regress. I would therefore want to take any steps necessary to stop that happening.

      J

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  5. I haven't yet held those feelings regarding not wanting it. Even though it is painful at the time, I quickly feel odd when I notice it's absence, even before I notice regressing into my old behaviour patterns, which I inevitably do in due course when she isn't around to discipline me. Yes, I can compartmentalise and obey military discipline, but when I am not in a work environment (say socialising in the evening away from the base) or with my wife nearby, I quickly become tempted to do things I should not.

    J

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    1. At least once or twice a year, my interest in the whole thing wanes and I wonder whether I may have outgrown or aged out of it. Then, something always happens . . .

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    2. So far, that hasn't happened to me, but it is early days compared to you. I suppose it is just something I need to be careful of: I assume the danger is if I don't take care to control such thoughts, I could fall out of a mindset conducive to F/M DD and it could fall by the wayside?

      J

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    3. J. I don't know. If find it's really just part of a cycle, almost hormonal. I also find it depends a lot on what stressors I have going on. Whenever I'm stressed out or feeling particularly intense, my need for DD peaks. Conversely, when at my most Zen, I can feel like I just don't need it.

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    4. The same is true for me. I often have wished I didn't need DD, especially when my ex had no interest in providing it. In fact, she never really accepted my need for it. Now I get a spanking at least once a week, and my sweetie enjoys the power she has. The fact that she loves me just as I am is still amazing to me. Sometimes I think I might outgrow my need for it, but that never lasts for long.

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    5. "Sometimes I think I might outgrow my need for it, but that never lasts for long." Same here.

      "I often have wished I didn't need DD, especially when my ex had no interest in providing it." I don't know whether I "need it" per se. While for most of us DD is probably fetish-like, despite my long and obviously deep interest in it, it's not quite something I think of as fetish-level compulsion. To explain what I mean, some clearly need or want spanking as a primary form of sexuality. If you've read Jillian Keenan's stuff, she is clear that spanking is her form of sex. For me, it's not at that level, and the need is as much "functional" as erotic. I've always said that if my wife suddenly decided she's not interested in it, or if I lost her in some way (divorce, death, etc.) and I ended up with someone more vanilla, I'm pretty sure I could give up DD. While it's an important part of my relationship and my current lifestyle, it's only a part.

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    6. I have read Jillian Keenan's stuff, and I can relate to her - maybe more than you. While spanking and DD is only a part of sex, it is what I think about every day and it's what gets me off. I can't imagine ever giving it up, or being with a woman that wasn't into it. As I get older and not always able to get it up, spanking is a reliable alternative. It has its own reward, even with no orgasm. I am surprised you think you could give it up, especially after devoting so much careful attention to this wonderful blog.

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    7. I didn't think I could give it up -- until I did. It's been more than two years since she got too sick to handle the hairbrush, and I have no inclination to find someone else, go to a professional, anything.
      I think that is because for us it was so much about relationship. We had thIs deep disciplinary dynamic. Spanking and the threat of it were the most obvious manifestation. But I felt, and needed to feel, reined in -- protected from my most dangerous and obnoxious self by a wife who truly cared that I was safe and respectful, the best version of myself. She cared about my self-actualization more than I did! And her hairbrush helped me approach that best version, even if it obviously was not "self" actualization.
      KOJ

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    8. Maybe we DD folks have an extra step in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Before "Self-Actualization" comes "Other- Imposed Actualization." !!!
      KOJ

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    9. "Other- Imposed Actualization." - I like that!

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    10. "I am surprised you think you could give it up, especially after devoting so much careful attention to this wonderful blog." I do understand how that would seem puzzling. I think part of it is, I'm not one of those people who gets tied closely to any particular state of affairs, whether it's DD, a career, being able to do some particular hobby, etc. Life changes, sometimes unexpectedly, and temperamentally I don't get super wrapped up in things staying the same. I also think being able to envision not being in a DD relationship makes sense in my case, because I spent about 40 years not being in one and not even really knowing that adult spanking was "a thing." When I did discover it, it hit me very hard, but I had a very long time in which I didn't have it and didn't even know about it

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    11. “Maybe we DD folks have an extra step in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Before "Self-Actualization" comes "Other- Imposed Actualization." !!!” –KOJ

      I think of Maslow as a useful but very broad and subjective typology. But your allusion to it in the context of DD is very interesting. I doubt that Maslow ever imagined self-actualization occurring when a male finds himself anchored over his wife’s lap while she is warming his bum with her favorite brush. But I have to admit there have been times during or after discipline where I have felt “yes, this is who I am and where I belong”, and self fulfillment or “self-actualization” of a kind does happen.

      In reality of course I am much more than just a husband whose wife spanks him and DD itself is but a part of our rich lives together -- but there is a powerful aspect of “self-actualization” for me when that surrender happens during discipline. I don’t really understand how or why that happens. But when it does happen it is very real
      Alan

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  6. DD has helped me change behaviors that I wanted to change, and a few my lady friend wanted to change. They mostly had to do with altering habits, such as turning off the cell during a meal. If the phone went off, I would get a disciplinary spanking soon after. I do not get many disciplinary spankings any more, but I can count on a sound maintenance spanking once a week. Sometimes they begin with some corner time, followed by me getting the room ready, which is now an established ritual. While she is in charge and has the authority to spank me any time for any reason, real disciplinary spankings seldom happen any more. Maintenance spankings keep me humble, and serve as a reminder that she is in charge. I do sometimes miss the drama of a disciplinary spanking, and have suggested the occassional therapueic spanking, that has been discussed in "A Husband's Essay" on the DWC site. She hasn't been interested in doing that, and I don't want to "top from the bottom" I am grateful to have her interested in spanking at all, and can't imagine another woman replacing her. DD seems to be such a fundamental part of my sexuality, I hate to think how it would be to loose my partner. I am very self disciplined in most ways, and I doubt it that will change regardless of what happens.

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    1. Drama is probably a good description of some disciplinary spankings.

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  7. Mine tend to be mainly disciplinary and therapeutic, closely matching the ones described in "A Husband's Essay". There is no major difference of opinion about the approach, so no topping from the bottom.

    J

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  8. I can't even stand the thought of losing my wife, but that is because of how great our relationship is and how incredibly lucky and blessed I feel to share life with her. Completely ignoring all the other emotions that would come with losing her and which would take a huge toll on me and probably everyone around me, losing the discipline from her certainly would affect me somewhat; I would be less on top of things, worse about diet and exercise, and likely more sarcastic and arrogant.

    Having said that, I did go more than 45 years without a disciplinary relationship before I met her. Maybe it wasn't always pretty, but I am able to survive and am not a total basket case without imposed discipline!

    Also, I have formed some better habits, so at least in some things I would be better than I was before I met her, even if the discipline stopped forever.

    -ZM

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    1. Regarding all the things mentioned if your wife weren't around, all of those things would happen to me and more!

      I don't believe I would have had the self-discipline to go 45 years before receiving the kind of discipline I receive without something really awful happening! Although I wasn't surrounded by people practicing F/M DD (and it was a while before I had even heard of it), I still took the view that getting married and having children sooner rather than later would be a very wise step, as I reasoned that it would "tame" me.

      It has, to a large extent, though the F/M DD I have been receiving (in addition to the natural restraint provided by marriage and fatherhood) has been at least as important.

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    2. "Having said that, I did go more than 45 years without a disciplinary relationship before I met her. Maybe it wasn't always pretty, but I am able to survive and am not a total basket case without imposed discipline!"

      That's where I think I would be, too.

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    3. ZM wrote “: … I have formed some better habits, so at least in some things I would be better than I was before I met her, even if the discipline stopped forever.”
      I think being in a DD relationship does inevitably change ones habitual behavior and attitudes perhaps particularly toward female authority But my first DD relationship ended almost two years before I was married and a second one started.
      I did carry much of the training from the first one to this one, however in the intervening two years my behavior regressed pretty sharply. Partly it was recognition of that that led me to seek and enter my present relationship.
      Remembering that makes me think that I need firm feminine control and would go off the rails without it. At the same time, I think my wife has given me a lot of insight into the causes of my misbehavior and that understanding has given me more maturity than I ever had. So ….
      Alan

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    4. Alan, how long were you in the DD relationship with your GF?

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    5. Almost exactly 8 years overall

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    6. That's definitely a long time to get better habits well-established.

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  9. I find the biggest obstacles accomplishing my goals at home are the task forced upon me at work. I am somewhat self disciplined at both but my shortcomings leave me moody and depressed. S is beginning to see the issue and deal with it. Last night I confessed that I was depressed but really don't know why. She promptly took me over her knee. The paddling was not extremely hard but uncomfortable for sure and she got her point across that I better get out of the. Mood I was in because she would not allow it to escalate into a temper tantrum that I am prone to and she will not be the brunt of it again. My wife would say I have no self discipline. I don't find that completely true but I understand her reasoning

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    1. "I am somewhat self disciplined at both but my shortcomings leave me moody and depressed." I've experienced a mild form of that. I say mild, because I'm not someone who is particularly prone to anything like real depression.

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  10. I loved being in a DWC marriage. It was the most erotic, painful, stimulating, comforting, surprising, intimate relationship I could ever imagine. I was intensely aware of her 24/7: where is she, what does she want, what does she expect of me, how can I please her, how can I behave? It was like my head was on a swivel, constantly seeking her approval, her smile, her correction.
    I loved her look when she was happy with me and I loved her look when she was unhappy with me. When she would sigh and say "lower your pants," an electric jolt of fear, pleasure, and love would race through me.
    My lack of self-discipline fed this relationship. I am not saying it was intentional. But I am saying it was beneficial to our marriage. Her spanking improved my behavior immeasurably: I ended bad habits and developed good ones. But looking back I think I subconsciously needed to give her reasons to punish me, and she subconsciously needed those reasons as well.
    I see this from the perspective of a
    widower who has not back-slid into old bad habits. One part of me thinks that is because she trained me well over many years. Another part of me thinks that when the disciplinarian is gone, so are the reasons to be disciplined. That maybe much of my misbehavior wss so we could have our amazing dynamic.
    And yes, Dan, I do have a fast car. I drive it fast on a track, but not on the roads where she would be sitting beside me with a lecture on the tip of her tongue and a hairbrush within easy reach in the purse on her lap. She is still riding in the passenger seat of our car and the driver's seat of our marriage, and always will be.
    KOJ

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    1. "When she would sigh and say "lower your pants" . . . Sighs can be a pretty powerful form of communication, can't they?

      "Another part of me thinks that when the disciplinarian is gone, so are the reasons to be disciplined." I don't think that is a part of our dynamic, but I definitely understand what you're saying and how that subtle motivation could be in there somewhere.

      I have a hard time going in the speed limit in any vehicle in any context. In cars on public roadways, it's limited. On motorcycles, I just can't help but really rap it out if I have a long stretch of clear pavement ahead of me.

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    2. Dan, I totally get the inability to resist pushing it on motorcycles. I had 60 years of doing exactly that, and it is pretty surprising that I am still around. I finally came to terms with the fact that I would never rein it in, and therefore, decided to give it up. My sweetie worried about me, and that was my major motivation for selling the bike. If I lost her, I would probably get another bike.

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    3. My wife liked to say my fast car thing was a combination of little boy immaturity and old guy still proving he could keep it up. It took a lot of spankings before I obeyed her rule of 10 over the speed limit and switched to the track to go really fast. I didn't and don't really care if it is immaturity or performance anxiety or any other ridiculous reason. I like the exhilaration of going fast. That's all.
      KOJN

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    4. "I didn't and don't really care if it is immaturity or performance anxiety or any other ridiculous reason. I like the exhilaration of going fast. That's all." That's EXACTLY the way it is for me. I just love the feeling of hard acceleration, especially on a motorcycle.

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  11. Thanks KOJ. That was a very touching and intimate story to share. Sounds like you had a perfect relationship.

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    1. You are welcome. And while no relationship is perfect, it felt like perfection to me.
      KOJ

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  12. That RedRump drawing is one of my favourite F/M spanking ones to be found on the Internet.

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