The Club - Meeting 349 - Witnesses

But that intimacy of mutual embarrassment, in which each feels that the other is feeling something, having once existed, its effect is not to be done away with. - George Eliot

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.

I hope you had a good week.  Mine was tiring.  Several very early morning meetings, back to back.  I’m rolling into the weekend pretty exhausted.  While my week was tiring but boring, for others it was a little more exciting.  Who in the world could have predicted stuff like this would be happening in real life:

   

Well, we shall continue to let 2020 play out as it will.  For this week, however, let’s get right to it.  Our discussion last week was about severity, but one of line of comments went off on the subject of humbling, and then became more focused on the issue of others knowing.  A light bulb apparently went on for ZM’s wife, and she seemed to understand a bit better about one of this fantasies – others knowing and possibly witnessing a spanking.  She even identified a mutual friend as the possible witness.  Now, at this point it sounds like they are just talking through one of his fantasies, but these things have a way of taking on a life of their own.  So, I hope he will keep us updated on that front.  In the meantime, the discussion led Liz to suggest this topic:

For both husbands and wives, if there WAS going to be a witness, with no getting out of it, who would you choose and why?

It’s a great question, and one permutation on it is who would be doing the choosing.  In looking back at some older posts where we talked about witnesses, I found this anonymous comment:

We have often discussed telling another woman about our spanking activities and this has been a very exciting fantasy for both of us. Recently, however, my wife has suggested that we take this fantasy and make it real. She has told me to choose among three women who will be told about my spankings. I must choose either her mother, her sister or her old college roommate who will be coming to visit for a month this summer.

I posted this issue as a question on a Yahoo forum last week and have gotten some interesting advice. (Too many thought all three should be told. That is not going to happen.) My wife wants to tell her sister because she hates keeping secrets from her. And she has pointed out that when her old friend visits for a month, it is possible that I will be spanked during that time and it might be easier if she knew ahead of time.

In my mind, I have ruled out her mother. (That just seems icky.) I find the thought of either of the other two knowing exciting (but that is still fantasy). My wife has insisted that this is going to happen. The only choice I have is which one gets told. I seem to recall that in your old guest book (that is now offline) many of your “guests” told stories not only of others knowing but of others actually getting involved. My wife and I used to really enjoy reading those comments (but of course we don’t know how many were just the guests’ own fantasies).

He eventually chose his wife’s college friend. His story makes me feel some vicarious embarrassment just reading about it.  While having a witness seems inherently humbling or embarrassing, at least the first time, having to participate in choosing the witness seems even more so.  But, the torture wasn’t quite that simple, as his wife told him that she intended to tell her friend soon but refused to tell him when, leaving him with the possibility of talking to the friend without knowing whether she had been told yet and trying to figure it out for himself.  Evil women.  😈

Interestingly, while witnessed spankings are the exception for most of us in our adult DD relationships and the prospect seems very embarrassing, I'm guessing a fairly large number of us have experienced one in our youth. Witnesses were not uncommon at all when I was  growing up.  Indeed, adults had no hesitation to spanking in public, in front of adults or other kids.  

And, while being spanked with others knowing or witnessing was embarrassing, wasn’t it also titillating in some way to know that someone you knew was getting a spanking or about to be spanked?

  

And, as we discussed last week, even having someone in your life who knows about your spankings can be embarrassing even if unwitnessed.

So, who would I choose?  That’s really hard.  I honestly cannot envision it happening with any of my family.  Same with my wife’s.  It’s just not the kind of thing any of them would do.  Though, I do have one sister who has always kind of resented me, and I suspect that she might actually get off on watching me get spanked.  My wife really doesn’t like or respect her siblings, and hates her sister, so I think as a practical matter her family is out as well. 

That leaves friends, whether hers, mine or mutual.  I don’t know many of her friends all that well, but it’s hard for me to envision any of them who I know being into watching her husband get spanked.  Which leaves my friends or mutual friends.  As I’ve recounted before, to my knowledge, there are only two people who know who I am and that my wife gives me real disciplinary spankings.  One is a mutual friend (female) my wife and I have known for many years.  The original connection was through me, but she and my wife also got close over time.  I have been friends with this woman for many years.  One day we were having a few drinks at happy hour.  She asked how my wife was doing and how things were going for us, and I found myself blabbing to her about this new lifestyle we were exploring.  I can't say I wasn't embarrassed talking about it, though this friend is one of the least judgmental people I've ever known, so I was really more embarrassed by the kinky nature of the activity and my male reticence to talk about such things openly than out of fear that she would judge me for engaging in it.

The other person who knows me and knows that I am spanked is a female blogger in an FLR relationship. We started corresponding with each other through blog comments, then through emails, and over time we developed enough mutual trust that we were comfortable revealing who we are in "real life."

For me, either of these two women could be a candidate to witness a spanking.  I suspect my wife would prefer our mutual friend, if only because she is, in fact, a friend to both of us and one with whom we have a long relationship.  The issue I see with it is that, while she is very non-judgmental, she’s almost too much so. What do I mean by that? Well, I think KD hit it on the head last week regarding why it is more embarrassing when the person who knows is either in the lifestyle or actively believes we deserve what we’re getting:

These people aren't mistaking this talk of spanking for spicy conversation over some playful bedroom kinkiness that Rosa is revealing. They understand these are real spankings for actual issues. And while being on the receiving end of even a playful spanking is more embarrassing than being known as the person on the giving end, having someone know that the spankings are painfully real punishments is much worse.

And the second factor is their degree of support. We've opened up to some people who are 'accepting' of this quirk, but aren't overly in agreement that this is some ideal arrangement. It's more like they're OK with it, but that's kind of it. When people like that are let in on something, their knowledge is embarrassing, but not nearly as much for me as if the person is more enthusiastically in support of Rosa's authority. We are out to a lot of people and the vast majority fall into that accepting category, but there are a special handful that fall into the more supportive category.

Essentially the reason people like this knowing are more embarrassing than others is that they understand the spankings are real, AND think they're an appropriate outcome for me in particular. It's that combination that seals the deal.

Our mutual friend is very accepting, but she isn’t into disciplinary spankings herself, and I think she might actually be a little too forgiving of my faults, having experienced them first hand for many years.  If Anne were to spank me in front of her, I think her reaction might look something like this: 

On the other hand, my blogging friend checks a lot of boxes that might maximize the embarrassment.  She is very strict with her own husband, and I think it is unlikely that she would be looking askance or clutching her pearls at witnessing a spanking. She also would be pretty likely to actually encourage one if she thought I deserved it.  I think she’d be a lot like Tomy describes Aunt Kay at certain DWC functions where men were sentenced to be spanked for their transgressions then led away for it to happen.  She’s quite a bit younger than me, which makes it seem even more embarrassing.  Finally, we are in the same profession and actually do have some contact with each other in that context, which is always weird in the moment because I'm hyper-aware that she knows about my DD lifestyle and no one else in that context does.   

It all adds up to a scenario that theoretically could happen (though I think it highly unlikely that Anne actually would spank me in front of this person or anyone else), which makes me feel embarrassed just thinking about it. And, isn’t embarrassment the point?  This isn’t something I want to happen, but if it did, and if it were to have a disciplinary goal, it would have to be embarrassing or humbling to have that, right?  For that reason, I'm not sure something like hiring a pro to witness a spanking would have much emotional impact.  I think that kind of impact really would require the participation of someone I either know fairly well or am likely to encounter in vanilla settings.   I doubt I would be that embarrassed in front of some stranger I’d never see again. Though, I could be wrong.

Of course, things might look different from Anne’s perspective. I could see her gravitating toward someone she knows very well, like our mutual friend.  Or, one of her other friends who might be more open to something like this than I know.  I can see how that might really unleash something in her.  Alan has observed that his wife’s spankings in front of a witness tend be even harder than his unwitnessed spankings.  It’s almost like the wife is showing off, or declaring her power and authority to deliver a real spanking.  

Would it ever happen?  As I said, I really doubt it.  But, who knows?  She definitely is more comfortable in her power these days, and for all I know she might get off on displaying it. In fact, I'm not sure that wasn't the case more than a decade ago when I told our mutual friend that Anne spanks me. They later had a very frank conversation about it over drinks at a football game, then called me from their car and Anne told me over the speaker phone that she and our friend had talked all about how I am spanked and why.  She capped it off by announcing that I would be getting one that night.  So, it’s not quite as big a leap as it seems now, when we've settled into certain patterns and left openness still mostly unexplored. 

Although, perhaps a witnessed spanking is not likely in the cards for you, if it were who would you choose to be the witness if, once chosen, there was no getting out of it?  Why?  How do you think that person would react?  For the wives, how do you think it would make you feel to spank your husband in front of someone?  Or, if that is too big a stretch, what about just telling someone that you spank your husband? Is that something you have done?  Is it something you can see yourself doing in the future?  If so, who would you tell?  For the men, do you have a desire for others to know you are spanked?  How about taking the next step and being subjected to a spanking with a witness?  How do you think that would make you feel?

Have a great week.