“Women may be the one group
that grows more radical with age.” — Gloria Steinem
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples
Club. Our weekly meeting of men and
women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline relationships.
I hope you all had a good week.
Mine was pretty sedate, relatively. No big work drama, no big behavioral
fails. Yet, I still feel tired and kind
of achy all over. Is this just what the
50s feel like? If so, I would have tried
to enjoy my 40s more and made them even more debauched. What’s that line that justifies hard living
in your early years? “I’d better burn
out than to fade away.” It sounded reasonable
at the time.
Which brings me, more quickly
than usual to this weeks topic. It’s tangentially related to something KD and I
were kicking around last week in a different context, leading him to suggest
this topic:
“Roughly how old are you?
How long have you been living a DD lifestyle and, if with different partners,
how long have you been actively doing DD with your current partner? When I
think of lifestyle stuff I often hear things that remind me of my past. I am
wondering if certain DD thoughts and actions are the product of age in general
or a product of the age of the DD agreement/relationship?”
To KD’s questions, I would
add: How old were you when you began your first and current DD relationship(s),
and how old was your partner?
It’s been a long time since I
addressed this topic. I devoted a topic
to it back in 2014. At that time,
Blogger had a polling feature that I used pretty regularly. The sample sizes were often small and the
responses too scattered to draw many meaningful conclusions about who we are
and why we do this thing we do. But, with respect to the age ranges of the
visitors to this blog, it probably was the most lop-sided poll I ever took:
21 – 30 7%
30 -40 4%
40 – 5 16%
50+ 71%
So, at that time, almost 3/4
of our little community were 50 or older, though I personally was not. It would be interesting to know whether things
have changed over time. I get the sense
that as younger women have eclipsed young men in things like college graduation
rates, achieving advanced degrees, etc., they may also be getting more interested
in “wearing the pants” in their relationships, but it’s merely a gut feel based
on a few anecdotes.
So, in addition to KD’s
questions, I’d like to ask, if we accept that the demographics of our commenters
tilt heavily toward the over-50 crowd, why?
Why is the demographic of those interested in the topics addressed by
this blog--primarily F/m domestic discipline--so heavily tilted toward those 50
and older? More disposable time that
they use to surf the internet? More
secure in themselves and more open to alternative lifestyles? You have to reach a certain age to fully feel
the stress and strains that lead some hard-charging career men to seek out DD
as an outlet? Or, is the explanation more about the age of the spanker than the spankee, i.e. is it not that men reach a certain age and want DD but, rather, that our partners have to reach a certain age before they are comfortable with doing it?
One thing I like about KD’s
questions is that the last time I polled about this topic, it was all about the
age of the people reading the blog, but that could be very different from the
age at which most people actually got started in a DD lifestyle.
As an aside, as I was
searching my archive of spanking art and photos, I found a fair number with
older female spankers, but very few with older male spankees.
That isn’t really a problem with
me, as my tastes have always kind of gravitated to older women, even though I
married a younger one.
And, of course, there are
plenty of examples of drawings with spanking grandmothers.
I realize some may not want
to reveal their exact age, so feel free to round up or down a little but,
please, not so much that it gives a misleading impression about your general
age demographic.
Have a great week.
50 here. told my wife on our second date about my interest . things id done in the past things id like to do
ReplyDeleteas to when...
i remember being k or grade 1 i would roll from one side of my bed to the other imagining myself on a conveyor belt as girls from my class watched sometime spat on me sometimes hit me. sometimes i was dressed in school uniform. sometimes dressed as a baby. sometimes naked.
i had no idea back then what these thoughts were
by grade 6 on the school playground something on tv was the big thing that the girls would bring a boy to a certain girl who would knee him in the balls and if he was winded enough to fall others kicked. quite violent thinking back but at the time i longed for my turn and melted when it happened. i have no idea the tv show the connection or how this got past teachers supposedly watching.
skip to grade 7 and a girl that was kind enough to kiss me would tie my hands with her skipping rope. my idea. so i guess my first femdom experience
it would be 19 with my first real girlfriend she was 19 also that i really did anything like discipline. we bought a whip sexy merry widow and boots for her. she said she enjoyed but i suspect she was indulging me
We are mid-50s. About 10 years ago, I started looking into Tantra to keep our intimacy, because our sex drives had become out of synch.
ReplyDeleteThis morning, I took about 150 very painful swats from my bride with a rubber spatula, in part because I suggested naming the spatula after the store we'd purchased it from... which coincidentally was also the name of one of my very old girlfriends, who was also a close friend of my wife.
Life takes you to funny places sometimes.
CrimsonKing
CK, I too have looked into Tantra, though more the Eastern philosophy not the sexual practices. What role did your exploration of Tantra play in you starting DD?
DeleteNot sure how accurate the Tantra web info I found was, but what resonated with me was the element of male sexual self control - and it's western cousin Karezza. The closeness with my wife really did jump, particularly as she understood she didn't have to 'do' anything or feel she had to 'finish' me - she could control how our intimacy progressed.
DeleteAs many have experienced, I began to enjoy her control as a reward in itself. Guided by some of the FLR sites (and eventually DisciplinedHubbies!), we've found continued closeness and intimacy - now sometimes via a healthy strapping!
CrimsonKing
Got it. Thanks.
DeleteThis is Arthur. Liz and I were both in our 40s two and a half years ago when she took the kids and moved in with her mother, which triggered me to ask for DD. I do not think it was a coincidence that both of us had recently become middle-aged. 40 is when many of us go through some kind of evaluation of our lives. "I'm not a kid anymore so maybe I should stop acting like one." I know I felt and feel that way. I think my wife had the maturity and confidence to take action against my arrogance that she did not have earlier.
ReplyDeleteIf I had asked her at 25 to start spanking me, I don't think she would have felt powerful enough to do so. Nor would I have been mature enough to ask. So I do think age has a lot to do with it. But I also think the age of the relationship has a lot to do with it. You have to be in a relationship long enough to trust your wife that she won't freak out when you ask her for DD.
Arthur
Arthur, I think this is a great way to put it: "I do not think it was a coincidence that both of us had recently become middle-aged. 40 is when many of us go through some kind of evaluation of our lives. "I'm not a kid anymore so maybe I should stop acting like one." I know I felt and feel that way." We were a little younger than you and Liz when we started, but the impetus was the same -- in my late 30s I started having too many instances of having to face up to the fact that I was not a kid but was, all too often, still acting like one.
DeleteOver 50 for me. My fascination with parental authority and discipline started from a very early age, but it took years into my adulthood for the thoughts and feelings to become a conscious attraction to FLR - but before I heard of that term. Even as a child, I was having crushes on females old enough to be my mother. Spanking was my fetish, but I wasn’t imagining lifestyle relationships built on this dynamic. An important element is that the female is a mature woman, and though age doesn’t guarantee maturity, I’ve always wanted her to be older than I am. Normal folks must see a drawing of a grandmother spanking an older boy and think, WTF? - but I definitely understand the appeal of such an image.
ReplyDeleteSo why are your visitors of an older age? I’m not sure, but I wonder what the typical age is of people who follow blogs that are heavily text-based. It may be that those of us who discovered the internet later in life grew up in an era of longer attention spans and taking the time to read and digest more in-depth information. Younger people are more attracted to slogans, sound bites, videos and pictures. That’s obviously a generalization but, if there’s any truth to it, it could show up in the numbers here.
Hi Brett. Interesting observation about how a largely text-based job skewing toward an older readership.
DeleteBefore I answer, and at the risk of sounding like a pest, may I state that the point of this topic is to compare the relative age of the commenter to the relative 'age' of their DD arrangement. We've had several responses that have not answered this important comparative aspect. So please, before explaining anything in depth, just bluntly tell us your age and how long your current DD arrangement has been going on. Then by all means elaborate to your heart's content. ;-) Thanks.
ReplyDeleteAnd here are my answers:
-Roughly how old are you? I am now 60. Rosa is 43.
-How long have you been living a DD lifestyle and, if with different partners, how long have you been actively doing DD with your current partner? I have been engaged in some aspect of this lifestyle since I was 19. In my current relationship with Rosa we have been doing it about 11 years.
- How old were you when you began your first and current DD relationship(s), and how old was your partner? My first was when we were both 19. Others followed, but currently Rosa and I started when I was about 49 and she was about 32.
-If we accept that the demographics of our commenters tilt heavily toward the over-50 crowd, why? 50-somethings blog. The younger folks are on Twitter.
Why is the demographic of those interested in the topics addressed by this blog--primarily F/m domestic discipline--so heavily tilted toward those 50 and older? More disposable time that they use to surf the internet? More secure in themselves and more open to alternative lifestyles? You have to reach a certain age to fully feel the stress and strains that lead some hard-charging career men to seek out DD as an outlet? Or, is the explanation more about the age of the spanker than the spankee, i.e. is it not that men reach a certain age and want DD but, rather, that our partners have to reach a certain age before they are comfortable with doing it? My answer to this is anecdotally-based but......unflattering. While there are "late-bloomers" for those who've kind of always known what they wanted, I think at the time when our generation was dating and getting engaged, kink was something usually kept hidden. It is only after desperation sets in and folks think: "it's now or never" that the confessions come out......usually around 40. It's akin to the husband who comes out as gay at 40. ;-)
"I think at the time when our generation was dating and getting engaged, kink was something usually kept hidden." I suspect you're right. It's one reason that it would be great it there was some way to compare the prevalence of DD and it's onset from, say, Aunt Kay's generation through to the Millennials who grew up with the 50 Shades books and movies. I have a suspicion that FLR is increasingly popular in the younger generation even if they don't call it that,if for no other reason that women are more accomplished while we have a generation of "men" who grew up sitting on a couch playing video games and seem to have an increasingly hard time growing up. But, as I said, it's just a suspicion based on a few anecdotes.
DeleteAs for the "desperation" theory, I don't doubt it applies to some, but it seems not to be the case for you, as you started at 19. I guess you were just precocious!
I never heard of FLR before, but my hetero girls and I definitely use pussy power. Flirting and denial to get what we want. We call it "working."
Delete"Oh are those new earrings? Where'd you get them?"
"I worked him for them."
Yes, manipulation. He had to work for it (pussy) with a gift (or vacuuming, whatever).
We feel we have to do this because the men in our lives work and game, game and work. And football. That's 1-2-3. So his girl is 4. She has to work him to get the attention (time, money, affection, help) she needs. Our men are basically selfish and immature. Maybe that's generational but I think it's more likely cultural. You older guys are too, aren't you?
Fortunately we girls have something guys really want (when they get tired of gaming). So we work them. But it isn't FLR. We don't feel truly in charge of the relationship.
With the gay girls it's a bit different. With my friends, anyway, there's definitely a "boy." See the Ali and Ashlyn soccer star wedding photos to see what I mean. With those friends the boy is usually clearly in charge. But "he" is not selfish and immature. He acts more like a male should. He treats his wife right. He is in charge. He also may spank her! My les friends joke about it a lot!
Not as sure about my gay guy friends. They are more reticent about who takes what role.
Belle
I admit, I really don't get the whole gaming thing. If I were a Millennial woman, I suspect I'd feel pretty let down by my choices in men my own age. Though you're probably right that wee older guys are selfish and immature too, just in our own way.
DeleteThose observations regarding DD in gay relationships are fascinating. Interestingly, during my time running this blog, I think I've had only one gay commenter, or I should say one commenter whose comment made it clear he was gay.
Belle:<<<<<<"We feel we have to do this because the men in our lives work and game, game and work. And football. That's 1-2-3. So his girl is 4. She has to work him to get the attention (time, money, affection, help) she needs. Our men are basically selfish and immature. Maybe that's generational but I think it's more likely cultural. You older guys are too, aren't you?>>>>>"
DeleteAs an "older guy"? In a word? No.This is not to say that I've never worked, never gamed, or never watched football.....but work was never the center of my life, and gaming is a fun distraction on occasion but not an addiction. And football? Does watching the Super Bowl count? LOL There is far too much in the world to do and enjoy to limit oneself to the 'trio' you cited as your guys' chief interests. Maybe you just chose the wrong guys? ;-)
I think gay commenters mostly stick to blogs that are clearly gay. A gay spanking blog might have some stats on this stuff.
DeleteYou've got me interested, Dan. I am doing a survey of my large group of party friends. Maybe 60 couples. All Millennials. I think most will respond. I am asking their sexuality and whether they have done spanking with their partner: never, erotic only, disciplinary only, both, and which partner spanks which (or switch). Results here in a few days!
Belle
Belle: I forgot to add, just for perspective, my son is a "millennial" and he doesn't fit your profile either......though he is admittedly not exactly like me either. LOL
DeleteKD, I kind of feel the same way, but we may be exceptions. I don't game at all, or haven't since high school. I do probably spend too much time on work, but I kind of have to in this part of my profession, and I think she gets that. As for football, my wife is a bigger fan than I am. But, all that said, I've certainly spent a fair number of late afternoons and evenings grabbing beers with friends and colleagues when I could have been home. And, while I don't golf, plenty of men of our generation waste whole weekends away from their families clubbing that little white ball. In other areas of the country, maybe it's hunting. While I think the Millennial male obsession with gaming probably is in a class all by itself, I'm not sure there is a shortage of self-centered behavior at our age either.
DeleteWell the examples you give certainly speak to a well-worn stereotype. And as you probably have come to learn, I tend to fly in the face of stereotypes. LOL.
DeleteOn weekends Rosa and I go hiking together. When I socialize with my 'circle' Rosa is part of that circle enjoying a gin and tonic with us or whatever. In Spring and Summer I do fish in the evenings a couple of times a week, but Rosa LOVES that I do that and encourages it. The rest of the time? Well, just a view of my blog tells THAT story. LOL
This is a good part of why I have certain issues with some DD instances or assumptions on my behavior based on the stereotype I don't fit. I certainly have my issues.....but they aren't consistent with the usual complaints one hears from female spouses. Instead I tend to stress Rosa with too many projects rather than too few.
Could it be said that a lack of self-discipline and need for outside accountability is a sign of immaturity, selfishness, or both? Not being mean, guys, but your need to be spanked by your wife is not the most mature behavior. No doubt in my mind that my husband is immature and that the bath brush is the best tool I have found to deal with that immaturity!
DeleteBelle
I'll definitely own that, but it's complicated. In the vast majority of these relationships, it's the man who ask for it and many of them seem to have a greater than average desire for accountability. So, I'd argue that men who are into DD at least may *recognize* their own immaturity and selfishness and their impacts, which doesn't seem to me the case with the marginally employed slacker sitting on the couch all day playing video games
DeleteDan and Belle,
DeleteBelle wrote: “not being mean, guys, but your need to be spanked by your wife is not the most mature behavior. No doubt in my mind that my husband is immature and that the bath brush is the best tool I have found to deal with that immaturity!” She is spot on focusing on immature behavior as both the cause of a lot of disciplinary spanking as well as justification for it. To that I could add at least for me occasional self-absorption, disrespectable behavior or attitude, and more than a few other behaviors that undermine a relationship. Guilty as charged! But what I think separates that from a lot of the male behavior Belle describes is acknowledgement that I am guilty, the real desire to improve constantly and a willingness to be punished by my wife when she finds it necessary. I am comfortable with the fact that my wife spanks me (yes that bath brush is the worst), but I am certainly not proud of myself for needing to be spanked while very proud of her for doing it. It sounds like Belle’s husband is at least moving in that direction which is a lot more than many millennial males I encounter.
Alan
The men in my social group are not slackers. They work hard for long hours at good jobs and make decent money. When they come home, they want a drink and to relax by gaming. Or watch football. Every day. No problem for a single guy. But when you are in a RELATIONSHIP you have some responsibility to your PARTNER. I told my husband that if we ever live together again, he is going to be banned from gaming Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday. He about gagged. I lifted my skirt and told him, "This is your Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday." He said, "Can't I have both?"
DeleteThis is what Millennial girls are dealing with!!!
Belle
The guys call it Rune-Scape. The girls call it Run-Escape.
DeleteBelle
Belle: >>>>"Could it be said that a lack of self-discipline and need for outside accountability is a sign of immaturity, selfishness, or both? Not being mean, guys, but your need to be spanked by your wife is not the most mature behavior."<<<<
DeleteMaybe not mean, but a bit myopic, wouldn't you say? You lump two assumptions into this assessment: anyone in a DD has no self-discipline, needs outside accountability.
I am in a DD relationship and have more self-discipline than my wife. I need no external accountability.
Secondly you link what is essentially a fetish of sorts to maturity. How exactly does that work? I would think that knowing who I am and what I want and then going about making it happen in real time is a pretty mature way to approach life. Are all alternative sexual interests "immature"? Freud would say so, but I doubt Kinsey or Havelock Ellis would. But Freud would label anything other than intercourse as a less mature expression of sexuality, so to him even cunnilingus would be "immature" as it is an oral fixation.
Also I don't see some automatic coupling of immaturity with selfishness. I think one can be either without also being the other.
As for your husband's seeming preference for games and sports over connection with a partner? Um, to me that sounds like an entirely different issue. I would say that from reading things here, most of the guys writing on Dan's blog sound like they are VERY into their wives.....even to a point of obsession. I'm not sure what you have going on over there, but it doesn't sound typical of the usual DD relationship, so maybe you shouldn't be lumping us in with what you have going on since they don't seem connected.
Perhaps to keep your man more interested in sex with you a male chastity device should be on your wish list? It might make a difference.
“Roughly how old are you? How long living a DD lifestyle and, if with different partners, how long have you been actively doing DD with your current partner?"
ReplyDeleteWe are in our mid-50s, married almost 33 years, and living in a low key DD/FLR lifestyle since early in our marriage. Our DD/FLR was off again on again over the years (mostly off). It had dry spells because of privacy, jobs, raising a family. We married young and had our children young. Our youngest married and moved out a couple of years ago.
"When I think of lifestyle stuff I often hear things that remind me of my past. I am wondering if certain DD thoughts and actions are the product of age in general or a product of the age of the DD agreement/relationship?”
For us, DD/FLR-related thoughts and actions are a product of agreement and the age of our relationship. My wife loved to lightly discipline me as foreplay before marriage. I think we encouraged each other.
"I’d like to ask, if we accept that the demographics of our commenters tilt heavily toward the over-50 crowd, why?
We have the interest and the privacy. The internet is also a great source to pick up “naughty ideas” to quote my wife. We’re comfortable with each other. And, the DD/FLR does some real good to keep us both on our toes (e.g. try to watch our weight, try to be more attractive for each other, think young).
“Women may be the one group that grows more radical with age.”
That may be true. When my wife recently realized I wanted more in our DD/FLR, she responded with giving me: increased weekend chores, an order to make a beeline home after work (unless she knows), a regular discipline routine.
LH
"We’re comfortable with each other." I suspect this explains a lot as to why some couples start DD only after having been married several years.
DeleteI do think there is a lot of truth in that quote.
Thanks, Dan.
DeleteComfort and familiarity work together to make the trust we have. My wife would agree that our comfort level reaches to our intimacy. I think it has to if we want to have a consensual and enjoyable DD/FLR.
LH
Dan,
DeleteI think the comfort level between my wife and I being as high as it is has helped us make a smoother transition toward a more ramped up FLR. My wife verbally set me straight in no uncertain terms once this week on something that she felt was an issue, but she was right. The change we started isn’t about her being abusive, but about her being the central authority. The change from an old to a new D/s style seems to be more seamless probably because of Carol's level of maturity and comfort level with me. My wife also felt comfortable discussing my old CB chastity device and at some point, when the world calms down, she wants to look into a better device and "how it might be used to enhance intimate kink in our relationship.” That was interesting.
LH
Dev and I are both in our 60’s. We’ve had this life style ever since we met 31 yrs ago. When I first approached her on this subject she was very open to it. Since then has become very good at it. JR
ReplyDeleteThanks, JR.
DeleteI would like to suggest one more element to your survey and that is, is there a point when people get even older that the interest/practice diminishes and/or evaporates? If it's of interest.
ReplyDeleteIt's certainly worth exploring.
DeleteJust from the additional comments that have come in I am getting a sense that the spanking preference/lifestyle does not "evaporate". That's good :)
DeleteKind of seems that way.
DeleteI second that.I don't know if mine has increased but it has somehow "intensified" as time goes by.I am very comfortable with the idea that I need and receive from time to time corporal punishment and that ( almost always) I have earned it. Her interest seems to have increased but she was never shy about spanking me.
DeleteAlan
Early 70's here and my partner is 10 years younger than I. This current 24/7, DD is just over 11 years old and my former one lasted about 7 years. Simple math telly you I entered my first DD about age 54 and she was 2 years younger. So I entered my second and current at 61 and she was 51. A side point is the pics of the older ladies administering spankings are delightful.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping someone would comment on them favorably.
DeleteDan,
DeleteI enjoyed the pictures but wasn't going to make a comment. But, in truth I will say that the expression on the face of the light haired woman wearing the glasses (my favorite) is much like the expression my wife had on her face when she was at high Mistress setting last evening and gave me two relatively hard strokes of her short cane; one after the other. I accidentally called her by her first name during our session instead of 'Mistress'. I really didn't do it on purpose, but she just wanted to hear "Mistress". I believe she tried to make me laugh a little with that type of expression to keep the moment light because the second wack of the cane was much harder then she planned. Even she said, "Oh!" because I yelped. It really hurt because it caught me where the back of my legs meets my cheeks and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't forget what to call her during rest of the session. My wife said that when she looked this morning the area on my rear had long black and blue mark in the fold of skin.
LH
Well then, I'll turn my thoughts into a supporting comment too. The older spanking women are nothing but fabulous. Someone once posted a comment on the DWC site that said something like "Once you put a paddle in a woman's hand she instantly becomes really hot."
DeleteTomy,I think there is a lot of truth in that.
DeleteNot only spanking...the drawing of the Mother taking advantage of her daughters man is priceless.
DeleteI am 60 and my wife is 52. We started our FLR and DD 20 years ago when we first got married. We discussed it prior to marriage. My wife had become very good at it and a lot more open about it. In fact we are on vacation in Florida and when we checked into our room there were 2 chairs whit arms. my wife asked the house keeper if they had any chairs without arms and the house keeper asked why and my wife told her she needed it to spank me if I was naughty. An hour later a the house keeper showed up with a chair. My wife never hesitates to tell someone she grounded me or is making me stand in the corner.
ReplyDeleteMy wife has become very comfortable being in charge and I am very comfortable with he being in charge.
Message me...we have much in common.....
DeleteIs there a private way to message you?
DeleteYes, my blog....'mymaintenanceday.blogspot.com has my e-mail address. Or find me on Fetlife...ID is cowboy_lac
DeleteLooking forward to communicating with you.
An alternate e-mail is cowboy_lac@yahoo.com
DeleteI am surprised the 21-30 and 30-40 age groups showed such low ratings in your 2014 survey. My (future) wife started spanking me when both of us were ca. 20 - and went on from there!
ReplyDeleteSame here.
DeleteIt’s probably not as much an indication of participation in the lifestyle as it is about social media preferences. None of my family or friends 30 or under “blog”. They tweet, snap chat, and occasionally instagram.
DeleteI don't know friends or family under 30 who blog, though I also don't personally know *anyone* in my "real life" who blogs, regardless of age.
DeleteDanielle here:
ReplyDeleteDan, didn’t anyone ever tell you not to ask a woman her age?
But, okay, I will answer your questions for the sake of science. ;-)
How old are you?
Wayne and I are both 60+. (There, said it)
How long have you been in a FLR?
Over 12 years now. This is the only FLR or DD relationship for either of us. We were married for about 20 years before Wayne raised the idea of DD/FLR. I rejected the idea completely. It was several years before he proposed FLR again and I accepted to give it a try.
Why do so many people come to it in middle age?
I can only answer that for myself, based on my own experience with my husband.
Wayne tells me he has always been turned on by spanking fantasies. Apparently, he was once spanked by a pretty cousin several years his senior who was babysitting him. He found that terribly embarrassing but sexually arousing, and the memory of it fed his fantasies.
For this survey, I asked Wayne why he only asked me to spank him after 20 years of marriage if he was so turned on by it. He said that in his spanking fantasies he was always a boy, like in that real life incident with his cousin. He says he never considered being spanked by me when we were young because he didn’t know adult/adult spanking was a thing. He also thinks he would have been too proud to submit to me when we were in our twenties. He only started to become obsessed with DD and FLR after we got a home computer with Internet and he discovered adult/adult spanking online. He didn’t tell me about that for several years because he thought I would reject the idea. Sadly, he was right about that. He says that when he finally told me, the fantasy had become so intense he felt that he had to experience the real thing.
As I have explained elsewhere, I was alarmed when Wayne first proposed DD. I found the idea of a husband having to be spanked like a little boy a turn off. Also, I had an intuition that spanking was the tip of an iceberg of scary sexual weirdness. (It turns out I was right about spanking being the tip of an iceberg, but wrong about it being scary).
After I shot down Wayne’s femdom fantasies, our marriage went downhill. Wayne withdrew into an online fantasy world, and I felt neglected. It took the threat of divorce to bring about change. He felt remorseful about his obsession with female dominance. That’s when he repitched the idea of FLR as a way for me to rein in his bad behavior. This time he proposed not just DD but a full FLR that would give me real authority over all aspects of our marriage. I was skeptical. He was essentially saying that, yes, his FLR fantasies were ruining our marriage, but maybe real FLR could save it. I agreed to give it a try partly out of desperation. But I think I had also reached a time in my life where “kinky sex” seemed less alarming. And to be honest, I was angry enough about his neglect that the prospect of paddling his bum and humbling him in other ways was attractive to me.
Danielle continued from above:
DeleteI won’t pretend that our early FLR was all smooth sailing. There were struggles between his desire for me to follow certain scripts grounded in his fantasies and my need to exercise real control with practical benefits for me. But we worked things out. I was right that spanking was the tip of an iceberg. Shortly after we embarked on FLR, Wayne revealed another kink he had developed through his online excursions into femdom: cuckolding. I didn’t shoot him down this time. I was used to FLR by then and appreciative of the practical perks of power, so I decided to talk to him about this new fantasy...and to play with it. Long story, but the fantasy led to reality. Result: the decade when we were in our fifties was probably the sexiest period of our marriage and the golden age of our FLR. I had two long term lovers over that period (not simultaneously). I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. At a time when other women my age were lamenting that their husbands would rather watch sports than have sex, I was enjoying the sexual attentions of two horny men. That boosted my confidence incredibly, empowering me to become more dominant with my husband to our mutual benefit.
That golden age came to an end when my last lover passed away from a heart attack. Wayne and I both miss him, and we miss the sexual energy that relationship gave us. Due to the combined effects of grief and age, I don’t have the heart to look for another lover. Also, I am a grandmother now, so I would feel a bit silly to start “dating” again. Consequently, Wayne and I are in the process of working out the meaning of our FLR as age related health issues increase and the sex drive decreases.
Wayne and I agree that if we could go back in time, we would have begun our FLR much earlier. I can only imagine how exciting it could have been in our sexual prime. It reminds me of that old saying that youth is wasted on the young.
Oh, and Dan, you should post more pictures of spanking grandmothers. ;-) I notice those pictures show grannies spanking young men. It’s fun to imagine young men being turned on by strict grannies. But I suspect most of the men who fantasize about being naughty boys going over granny’s knee are grandpas themselves. Lol.
Dan and Danielle, if interested.
DeleteMy comments here might be better with the comments for the February 29th blog on "Resets”, but they relate to the current blog and my own FLR reset. Carol and were up fairly early this morning and talked for an hour. Carol did most of the talking. Since I be assuming a deeper subordinate place in our FLR she went over the rules and announced changes she’s making. She didn’t want any objections and I said nothing.
So…basically what she covered is:
Carol will control my bonuses and how they're allocated. She’ll work out what amounts of money go for bills, for savings, for vacation, etc. She’s going to take a portion of two bonuses (unless there are no bonuses) and treat herself, or shop with me and I’ll buy her what she wants. She plans to share bonus money with me, but said “Remember, I'm no obligation. It depends on you." The money I need for the workweek or as things come up like purchases for home projects is not affected.
Carol told me she’s working on grocery lists for weekend meals I’ll do. I can cook, but cooking during weekdays will stay with her. Weekend laundry will be mine. She’s an analyst and is good at planning things like this.
She understands that sometimes I need to work late, or even go to work activities after the workday ends. All she wants is a call or text from me. If it's something out of the ordinary, she'll need to approve it. Otherwise, my wife wants me home directly from work. I can set the table, make a salad and so on.
Once she was finished she pointed to her feet and I kissed them.
It’s incredible to see my wife projecting this power.
LH
I understand how someone like Wayne could be fascinated by spanking yet not ask his wife for it because he didn't know adult spanking was a "thing." I didn't share his early fascination with spanking but, even once I discovered adult spanking, I still had no idea that adult disciplinary spanking existed until I stumbled on the Disciplinary Wives Club.
Delete"He was essentially saying that, yes, his FLR fantasies were ruining our marriage, but maybe real FLR could save it." It is interesting that one confession, and its rejection, almost tanked your message, but a second try years later saved and invigorated it. I guess timing really is everything. It's also a very interesting personal journey you went through -- from rejecting anything kinky, to embracing a full-blown FLR, to extending it into something like cuckolding.
"Wayne and I agree that if we could go back in time, we would have begun our FLR much earlier. I can only imagine how exciting it could have been in our sexual prime." I feel that way about an increasing number of things these days.
I will search my archives for some other spanking grandmothers!
LH: It's great that she did most of the talking and set the rules.
DeleteDan,
DeleteYes. She demonstrated significant power. What is surprising is that my wife started implementing these changes from opinions and information gleaned by reading my comments on your blog. This shift in our FLR began fast, over the weekend really. My wife told me she's let anger go now but she started to grow aggravated a little. While I had spoken to her about taking a more dominant role a few times over the last couple of years, I never elaborated on it or pressed the issue more. She saw it as 'kink talk' rather, than something I was more serious about. My wife exercised control over bonuses based on her own ides. She told me, "I'm Mistress and I can. Bald Sub Hubby has nothing to say." "No Mistress."
Thanks for the interesting subject to comment on.
LH
LH: It sounds like Carol knows what she wants and what you need. That’s wonderful. One of the most useful things I discovered when Wayne and I embarked on FLR was that I could eroticize housework for Wayne by commanding him in a bossy way. That was win-win because I was able to escape housework and Wayne got horny doing it. ;-)
DeleteCarol sounds to me like a firm but judicious leader. I think her requirement that you text when work is going to make you late is entirely reasonable. And like Carol I require Wayne to get my permission for things out of the ordinary.
Having you kiss her feet is a nice touch. I have always found that little rituals of domination and submission like that help to maintain Wayne’s focus on FLR. But I more often have him kiss another part of my body to maintain that D/s vibe.
Dan: Yes, it has been a surprising journey. And who knows what surprises are yet in store? Thanks for providing this space that allowed me to bear witness to an important part of my life that I have felt I had to keep secret from people.
Danielle
Hi Danielle. Happy to provide you with that space, and thank you for contributing to it.
DeleteDanielle, Dan
DeleteWhen you said, "One of the most useful things I discovered when Wayne and I embarked on FLR was that I could eroticize housework for Wayne by commanding him in a bossy way," it got me to thinking and my wife does the same for my regular errands and when I need to service our cars. I’m sure I get the same feeling as Wayne does ;-). Carol says if she doesn't I end up waiting until the last minute or forgetting, and that's actually true.
I always did the housework, or most of it. My wife returned to school for additional education after we married, then we started a family, and then she finished a masters. Mistress Carol lets me know when there’s areas that need improvement. Some level of an FLR always seemed to there. While nothing is perfect in a relationship, our marriage has been exciting, different, a little kinky and adventurous. I'm sure TV watching would be our only regular boring if that wasn't true. My wife was blessed with being intelligent and attractive. A few close guy friends told me I was a lucky guy when we got married. I agree. She probably needed a stronger prescription for her glasses. Nice chatting with you. Thanks for the glimpse into your marriage.
Dan, thank you as well for the space to comment.
LH
Danielle wrote: “Oh, and Dan, you should post more pictures of spanking grandmothers. ;-) I notice those pictures show grannies spanking young men. It’s fun to imagine young men being turned on by strict grannies. But I suspect most of the men who fantasize about being naughty boys going over granny’s knee are grandpas themselves. Lol.”
DeleteFunny thing, yes, but for those of us with a certain kind of fetish, a strict grandmother has been a turn on since we were young. Because she’s a real domestic authority figure, a spanking is imbued with a strong sense of legitimacy. The key ingredients that create the powerful feelings are there, even enhanced in some ways because of her age. So while I guess they’re a small minority of the population, there must certainly be young men today who fantasize about granny’s knee. It’s interesting that the way it can work out is, if we live long enough, our wives reach an age where they resemble an image of a disciplinarian we’ve had in our heads most of our lives. In the end, though, it’s much more about attitude than age. The image of a naughty boy over granny’s knee is just an image. It depicts the psychological experience we’re after, which depends on her mindset no matter her age.
Dan: I just saw this and couldn't resist: >>>>>>"I will search my archives for some other spanking grandmothers!"<<<<<<
DeleteUmmmm, no problem if you run into a shortage of images, I would think you'd only need to snatch a few smiling grannies from an AARP site......and caption them with spanking remarks. LOL ;-) (Sorry....like I said.....that was like handing me a loaded gun. LOL)
If I put their phone number in the caption, I could probably charge them a finders fee for all the horny spanko men who'd call.
DeleteI am in my early 60’s and wife is 12 years younger (almost 48). She has been spanking me since we began dating more than 15 years ago. My first serious discipline was administered in my late 30’s into mid 40’s by a former girlfriend. That was really my first experience as a spanked boyfriend/husband and it was formative. I had experimented earlier with adult consensual spanking since probably mid 20’s, mostly spanking women in an erotic context. I received a couple of spankings in that time but nothing I considered disciplinary. My former girlfriend was the first woman I really came out to and it was her positive view of spanking and discipline that prompted me to do so. She was vanilla at the time but very interested in using spanking to discipline me. I learned much with her, particularly how strong the spanking drive was for me and the extent to which I could be controlled by it if it was consistent and “real”. My wife before I met her had ended a difficult marriage during which she discovered she wanted to be in charge. Several boyfriends and her husband had spanked her more or less consensually but by the time I met her she had decided she was a disciplinarian and wanted to be on that side of the paddle. I have never spanked her even erotically and she has no interest in me doing so. Our mutual interest in spanking was one of many factors that brought us together. Neither of us consider ourselves to be in an FLR as that term is widely used. But DD with her firmly in charge is a big part of our relationship. Obviously with the authority she exercises over my behavior, she could make it an FLR if she chose but she has not. Clearly age both individual age and that of the relationship influences how soon and how deep a DD relationship goes. Most of us need time to figure it out. But culture, gender roles and just random luck play a part also. If I had been in a relationship with a dominant women particular one with a disciplinary orientation to spanking I could have become a spanked boyfriend/husband in my early 20’s. The seeds were there but it took time and events to fully trigger it all
ReplyDeleteAlan
Hi Alan. For some reason, I forgot your girlfriend was an enthusiastic spanker but began as vanilla.
DeleteMy DD relationship started around the same age as your first. You state: "If I had been in a relationship with a dominant woman particularly one with a disciplinary orientation to spanking I could have become a spanked boyfriend/husband in my early 20’s." I really don't know whether it would have played out that way for me. I didn't share your early interest in it; if the seeds were there, I wasn't aware of them. On the other hand, I had a crush on one teacher old enough to be my mother, and I was rumored to have had an affair with another (though that was not actually true -- more's the pity). Had I had an actual relationship with an older woman with dominant tendencies who wanted to address my very bad high school behavior -- who knows. I think I was in need of some "re-parenting" at that time, so who knows what a strong-willed maternal figure might have been able to initiate me into.
Aunt Kay used to joke that if she had found me in my youth I could have been a brain surgeon. Well, there is no scenario where I would have succeeded in the medical field. But without doubt my potential would have been far more fully realized. I have zero doubt about that. I got away with EVERYTHING..until she came on board.
DeleteSame here on the medical field. Way too many math prerequisites. But, I definitely get and gravitate toward your larger point.
DeleteMy Wife and I are both 51 and have been married 31 years. Neither of us have adult spanking experience outside of each other. A few months shy of 10 years ago we began our WLM/DD relationship, so around 41 we began DD. Prior to that were a few times that she spanked me years earlier but don't remember that they could be considered DD.
ReplyDeleteLuvinhub
Quite the long term DD relationship. Thanks, Luvinhub!
DeleteSomebody has to speak up for Millennials! I am 33 and he soon turns 40. I have been spanking him less than 6 months. We were together for almost 11 years, apart for 3, though we did not divorce, and now sort of back together. We keep separate homes but are exclusive. We probably will eventually live together again, but I also like the freedom of my own place. I take the bathbrush to him when he gets out of line. I love having this power! And this blog helped me grab it!
ReplyDeleteBelle
Hi Belle. Welcome back! You and your partner are pretty close to the ages we were when we started, and we'd been married for almost as long as you were together before you split when we first started DD. Over 15 years later, we're still at it. I'm glad to hear it's working out for you.
DeleteIs DD more popular after 50 years of age? Seems so, but, of course, this discussion only reflects the opinions of those who follow this web link, and this choice is undoubtedly age related (strongly correlated with age). On the other hand, as far as I am aware, there is not another "Dan" in the 20-40 age range who is is overseeing something like the Disciplinary Couples Club. So, the absence of such data appears to support the significance of the "lopsided Poll" cited by Dan:
ReplyDelete21 – 30 7%
30 -40 4%
40 – 5 16%
50+ 71%
Count me in the 50+ age group, and I am strongly interested in DD. In fact, I am now 80+ and am regularly paddled by my 80+ wife. I would love for this to be the case if we both survive to be 100+.
I'm not sure I agree that following a link to here would necessary be age related. Perhaps, but I'm not sure. Isn't it likely that anyone looking for this kind of content would do a Google search, and they'd all be using similar search terms?
Delete80+, Bless you a hundred times. You and your wife are an inspiration!
DeleteThanks, Tomy, for the nice compliment. I do feel blessed whenever my wife gives me a hard paddling.
DeleteBelle reminds us that age is just a number. More seriously, my wife was in the B&D section ( Paddles, straps, floggers, etc ) of the local "sex" store lately and says it was jammed with couples and some single women that she judged in their 30's to 40's. So it may be that we "elders" like more to talk about it while callow youth like more to do it.Could be!
DeleteAlan
We are in our 50s. Wed in our 20s. I came out to her in my late 20s. After a decade of finding our fit, we have been in a DWC relationship for a good 20 years
ReplyDeleteThanks, Anthony.
DeleteLola and I are both in our mid 50’s and have been in a 24/7 FLR relationship for about 2 years. This has worked best for us because I requested our FLR due to the continued stress and responsibilities of my career. Lola has learned to enjoy her responsibilities and power and I have become a better person because of her strength and dedication. We both wish we had started our FLR earlier in our 37-year marriage, but we both know that we were not mature enough in the earlier years. Our relationship has become one of total trust and openness and has brought our great marriage to a whole new level of happiness and love for each other.
ReplyDeleteDrew
Drew,
DeleteI think an FLR really does relieve stress for me too. My job can be very stressful and my wife is a much more dominant type than I am. She’s a deeper thinker too. Some of the people she works with are intellectuals, and my wife can match wits with them. You said you’ve become a better person. Aside from the kinky fun, I think that’s true for me. My wife has seriously pulled rank on me about bad or practical things I’ve wanted to do and in looking back she saved me from making mistakes or failures.
LH
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteSorry for weighing in so late. But a few brief answers anyway…
“Roughly how old are you?” 53
“How long have you been living a DD lifestyle and, if with different partners, how long have you been actively doing DD with your current partner?” We have been doing DD since we began dating in 2015. Many, many years ago, I tried to get my former wife to do this, but she was very turned off by it, so I had resigned myself to a lifetime of never having this need fulfilled.
“I am wondering if certain DD thoughts and actions are the product of age in general or a product of the age of the DD agreement/relationship?” - Probably both to a certain degree. The age of the DD relationship probably greatly affects openness and level of comfort that both partners feel. I mean, what wife doesn’t begin with at least a bit of fear and trepidation? At the same time, with age in general, we tend to understand ourselves somewhat better, so that could also affect things.
“How old were you when you began your first and current DD relationship(s), and how old was your partner?” - I was 49, and she was 39.
“...if we accept that the demographics of our commenters tilt heavily toward the over-50 crowd, why? Why is the demographic of those interested in the topics addressed by this blog--primarily F/m domestic discipline--so heavily tilted toward those 50 and older?” - as far as the forum specifically goes,as others said it may be related to it being a blog (rather than twitter or something), and also it is mostly text based and rather focused on DD and the philosophies surrounding it, rather than a bunch of pictures or videos of hot young women spanking men. But outside just the blog itself, I think that interest in ACTUAL DD, rather than just spanking play, still tends towards those who are a bit older. If this blog and the internet had existed when I was 20, I would have still came here and contributed, but at the time, I just thought I had a spanking fantasy. I didn’t know that my actual fantasy was not for spanking, but rather for “real punishments for real infractions.” That only came with age and experience.
“Or, is the explanation more about the age of the spanker than the spankee, i.e. is it not that men reach a certain age and want DD but, rather, that our partners have to reach a certain age before they are comfortable with doing it?” - Hard to say, but maybe this plays into it a little as well. I know that many young women that I have known would have lacked the confidence to punish their husband in a real context.
-ZM