Saturday, February 29, 2020

The Club - Meeting 333 - Resets

“A spiritual reinterpretation of events gives us miraculous authority to command the winds, to part the waters, and to break all chains that bind us.” ― Marianne Williamson

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline relationships.

I hope you all had a great week. Mine was basically a continuation of last week – slow at work, feeling like I’m not performing well, yet not facing much in the way of consequences at home or at work.  As I said last week, we are going through the process of closing the books on last year and dividing the spoils. I see this as very mixed year, with enormous stress that came from taking on a new role at the beginning of the year, yet I’m not sure how much I’ve really accomplished in that role and, in the meantime, I feel like I really under-performed in my core professional area.  My profession tends to be pretty “coin operated,” so I’ve really been expecting my 2020 pocketbook to reflect what I see as pretty uninspiring performance in 2019.  But, as things gel this week in a series of meetings that I’m not a part of, it’s becoming a done deal that while certain parts of my compensation may come down, when looked at as a complete package I’m likely to make as much or more in 2020 as I did in 2019.  When mentoring younger people in our organization, I often remind them that like NFL football players and other professional athletes, we get rewarded not for effort or for good intentions, but for delivering results. I guess I was wrong and we do, at least partially, get paid for effort. There is a weekly topic in there somewhere.

I had originally intended to make this week's topic something about “maternal” or “parental” disciplinary motivations, influences and practices in adult Domestic Discipline relationships, but it hasn’t really gelled yet.  It’s a meaningful topic to me, so I don’t want to do a half-ass job with it, so I’m going to put it off for a while.  Instead, I thought I’d talk a little about where we are with DD and FLR and explore some options for moving forward. 

As to the former (where we are with DD), the simple answer is we’ve been in a very long holding pattern where not much of anything is happening. There are several reasons for the sustained pause. There have been the usual travel, social and health distractions. Even when we haven’t been distracted by those, they have often sapped the energy right out of one or both of us, or left us in a state where we want to spend romantic time together without any disciplinary or FLR kink involved.  But, the far bigger impediment has been the presence of one of our young adult kids in the house.  As I’ve said before, I keep learning that “empty nesting” is more a process than a status or an event.  One of our kids is waiting for a new job to start and, in the meantime, has been living with us for a few months.  

 But, that situation is changing soon, and I’ve told my wife that sometime shortly thereafter we need to have a real discussion about how to get back on track. And, although I know I’m probably not being realistic and may be setting myself up for disappointment, I feel like whatever reset we initiate, it needs to be substantial.  That word – reset – has been on my mind a lot in thinking about this.  2019 was a tough year, and I face a lot of the same job-related hurdles to sustained good behavior in 2020 that made last year so hard, and if I don’t get a handle on some of these issues I’m likely to continue to suffer consequences – aches and pains, nagging injuries and health issues, chronic exhaustion and lack of energy – that are in the long run more severe than any spanking is going to be.   


Also, I feel like we keep dipping our toe in an FLR but it never quite clicks even though we are both genuinely interested in taking it to a different level.

I was thinking about all this last week when Brett made some comments about how the fantasy for him is a wife who initiates or imposes the DD relationship with the recognized authority to do so.  I think it is safe to say that the wife initiating the whole DD relationship is a very prevalent fantasy and a very rare reality.  As Brett said:

“I think you’re absolutely right that it is quite rare for a wife to initiate a disciplinary relationship (unless she is the one to be disciplined.) And if she doesn’t do it with consent, then it is domestic abuse. She loses her credibility as a leader if her own ethics are in question. There must be consent, so it’s really about attitude. If she came to me and explained how she needed to be the leader in the relationship, that her authority would have to be real and respected, and that under our agreement she would implement discipline in the home in a parental fashion, then I think I’m hooked. That must be about as close as I could get to what I like to imagine, but I can’t say for sure how I would live with it.”

Now, the problem with the fantasy for those of us who are already in DD relationships is the ship has sailed.  We husbands did initiate things, even if we really wish our wives had done so. But, I’ve played with the idea of whether there really can be a reset such that it feels like she is initiating things going forward, even if we’ve been going down a path that I initiated a dozen years ago.  One option would be simply playacting something along the lines of what Brett suggests, with my wife coming to me and stating that she has decided we are going to have a DD or FLR relationship, what it is going to be like, etc.  

We could just ignore the preceding dozen years and pretend to be starting now with her initiating.  I’m not sure that would really work for us for a couple of reasons. First, I think at the root of many disciplined husband’s desires for this lifestyle is an out-sized need for authenticity. We want real discipline for real offenses; the whole relationship has to be reality-based or it feels like something is missing.  Second, my wife and I have never really been into playacting or doing fantasy “scenes.” I’m not really sure whether we could pull it off without getting very self-conscious, embarrassed, etc.

So, I was thinking that maybe we could do something that recognizes the prior history and actually leverages it into a real reset, one that she "owns."  It would still require her to initiate the discussion to some extent, announce her intentions, tell me the rules she’s going to impose, etc. But, she could characterize as reflecting her, more or less genuine, frustration that despite a dozen years of effort, a lot of my behavior hasn’t improved much.  And, in the meantime I’m continuing to place my health and future prospects at risk by burning the candle at both ends and failing time and again to resist temptation.  If she could pull it off without getting too self-conscious, I could see a scenario in which she may not have initiated our DD or FLR relationship at the outset, but she could initiate ramping it up and making it real.  The idea is that even if I started it, she would be taking over and making it clear that she's taking it from here, imposing what she wants whether I like it or not.


Now, I think the unfortunate reality is I’d still have to take a substantial role in making this actually take place.  In most of these relationships, it seems the disciplined party is almost always the one who takes the lead and puts more intellectual energy into moving it forward and fleshing it out.  So, unfortunately for men like Brett (and me), I think there is almost always going to be some gap between the fantasy of a purely wife-initiated process and the reality of “if you don’t ask, you likely won’t get.”  But, if she agrees to something like that, I think it could still move things a little closer to the ideal in which she really claims our relationship dynamic as her own.

Therefore, what I’m toying with is sort of a “boot camp” but focused more on communication, getting to the root of what we each think is working well, what we’d change if we could, what holds us back, etc.  The goal would be that we spend several hours communicating in a structured way about this, and after she’s digested the information she would take the initiative to announce the terms of our effort to “reset.”  A couple of years ago, I put together a list of structured questions we would each have to answer (the below are the questions directed toward her), originally envisioned as a set of communication exercises at a boot camp:

  1. When it is working at its best, what does DD/FLR do for you?  How does it make you feel? 
  2. Do you like being in charge?  What do you like about it? Are there aspects of it that you don’t like? 
  3. If you knew that I would be on board with whatever you directed, what would you want your level of authority and control to look like?  How strict would you like to be?  How dominant would you like to be?  How would you like to act?  What level of submissiveness would you want from me if, again, you knew that I would not only comply but would agree with your vision? 
  4. Are there particular punishments or forms of discipline or control that you want to impose or would like to try?  (Examples: More openly dominant in public?  Spanking at different time of day or in different location?  Chores? Grounding and taking away privileges?  Mouth soaping? Corner time? Personal service or sexual service?) 
  5.  Is there a particular role/archetype that appeals to you the most when you think of how you would like to approach running things or being the disciplinarian?   (Examples: Strict Wife?  Strict Mother?  Teacher? Principal?  Other?) What does your chosen role entail?  What implications does your chosen role have for how each of us should act? 
  6. What holds you back from taking on the role you want?  Are there specific things that I could do/not do to help you get there? 
  7. Was there someone you associate with disciplinary authority -- mother, father, relatives, teachers, principal – or some disciplinary act you experienced, witnessed or heard about that still resonates today or that you think would be helpful to bring to the current relationship? 
  8. Do you want to be more dominant sexually?  What would that entail, specifically?  What would you love to do if you were totally in charge sexually?
One challenge with this plan is that we talk a lot about talking.  If anything, we have been less successful in carry forward with plans to really talk in a heart-to-heart way about what we want for DD than we have been in doing DD. But, we both need to push through that, get over the embarrassment and talk about what this could be if we started from scratch with her firmly in charge.



What about you?  Have there been times that you’ve been in a lull or unsatisfied with the current state of your DD relationship and then done something different to try to reset it?  How did that work out?  What do you think about my plan to create a greater sense of her imposing the relationship by creating an environment in which she can own and “initiate” things going forward?  Any thoughts on other questions we should ask each other during this process? I hope you have a great week. 

53 comments:

  1. While we are not in a DD relationship with my wife in charge and we may never get there, the fact is that my wife is very comfortable telling me what to do, and complains when I don't listen to what she has told me. So recently, I told her that when she spanks me (which occur regularly at my request) that she should take the occasion to tell me something she wants me to remember that I am not presently (rather than spank me without saying a word), and then it would be my task to repeat this request back to her following the spanking so that she would clearly know that I have listened carefully to what she has said. She liked the idea and commented that she would have a "captive audience" when spanking me. Indeed, she would! So, we recently started this practice with some success. I have noticed that the spankings she gives me have become a bit longer, probably without conscious intent, and a bit harder, because her mind is focused on communicating what she wants me to remember as the spanking proceeds. The result is that these spankings more nearly approximate a disciplinary spanking -- which is what I wish she would give me, intentionally, but won’t presently. Following these spankings, I do repeat back to her what she has said, thank her for the spanking, and tell her I love her. Also, I make certain that I begin to act on what she has said. So, she knows that she is getting through to me. It is still too early to tell where this is all going, but it does seem to be going in the right direction.

    The very first time we tried this new arrangement, she told me three things that she wants me to remember, not just one, all of which I repeated back to her following my spanking. One of them is that she loves me no matter what. Very nice to hear verbalized even though I knew it already.

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    1. Like yours, my wife used to stay almost entirely silent during a spanking. That has started changing lately. It doesn't change the experience that much for me, but you make the point that it may for her.

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    2. Good for you man...that's awesome improvement. You're having her establish a connection w/ her spanking you with real life things/issues....seeing how naturally that's gone for her i think you're on a great path for that to expand and become very natural for her.....so YES agree w Tomy below...careful what you wish for. it sounds like your wife is a NATURAL

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  2. My bet is that things will progress to the point where you end up thinking "I should have paid more attention to the saying 'Be careful what you wish for'." You might get it." :)

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    1. Yeah, that is always the danger anytime one asks for "more"

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  3. I asked my wife for a reset,
    She said, "Yes, but you may regret."
    She pulled down my pants
    And made my butt dance
    Then sent me to clean the toilette!"
    The Lurking Limericker

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    1. Cute reply but while you have the basic
      A
      A
      B
      B
      A
      limerick rhyming format, the A lines should share equal syllables with each other just like your two B lines do. Try it this way:

      My wife once agreed to a reset, (9 beats)
      But warned it might lead to my regret. (9 beats)
      She pulled down my pants ( 5 beats)
      And made my butt dance, ( 5 beats)
      Then sent me to clean up the toilet. ( 9 beats)

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    2. KD,
      As originally written, the first, second and fifth lines are all eight syllables, which is standard for limericks. No need to change it, man.
      The Lurking Limericker

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    3. I thought it felt like it was 8 and not 9. But I kept trying with 9 and it felt awkward.

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  4. Dan,
    "I could see a scenario in which she may not have initiated our DD or FLR relationship at the outset, but she could initiate ramping it up and making it real. The idea is that even if I started it, she would be taking over and making it clear that she's taking it from here, imposing what she wants whether I like it or not."

    That was sort of how it began with us, although before we were married she disciplined me strictly for foreplay fun. I never had a strong interest in being disciplined that I was conscious of before that, but I think it feed into my wife's personality because she's more dominant than me. Also, it turned out that I was a little more kinkier than I realized, or maybe more open to it. Our FLR was and is unpredictable. The could be frustrating for some but it keeps it fresh for us. She jumps in and out of boss mode, and I love it that way. We act like normal married people much of the time, but something might happen and it changes. A couple of years ago I was under a lot of stress (work politics) and I was tired. I answered my wife in a very lousy way over nothing and she fell into Mistress mode. I had planned an overnight fishing trip with a group of friends for the following weekend (for Friday night through early Sunday morning). Our daughter was staying because her husband was away and it coincided with my trip so my wife was not alone. I'll never forget when my wife said, "No weekend with the boys. You can't go. I forbid it for how you talked to me." I told her I was sorry, and her decision was unfair. She stamped her foot and repeated her words exactly, then she walked over and smacked my butt. "Yes Dear!" I can't blame her, I really was nasty and used rotten language. I made up an excuse about why I couldn't go and called my friend the next day. She was absolutely serious and she said, "this is punishment." Sometimes we annoy each other, and something I do might just be forgiven and forgotten.

    So the point I'm trying to make by giving a titillating example is to sometimes be ready to accept a relationship for what it is. I've told her I enjoy her as the Mistress. Sometimes she isn't, and sometimes she's ready to really be Mistress. Discipline might be real, and sometimes a little kinky, but I don't try to over analyze the situation. Like I said, I've told her I enjoy her as Mistress and she doesn't disappoint. I'd say we have a very moderate Female Led Relationship. Last even was strictly fun for us, thought I'm feeling the burn today.

    I also like the list of questions.
    LH

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    1. While we haven't done it a lot, I do think that real restrictions on my discretion to do what I want, including attending social events with friends, would probably be a more effective punishment or deterrent than spanking.

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    2. Dan,
      If my wife imposes restrictions, they really are effective punishment. There's nothing worse, to me, than knowing that my wife has forbid me to do something while the 'other guys' could do it. Now, that doesn't happen often, but it has. What it has done is make me far more thoughtful about how I verbally treat her. Someone might like a little humiliation or scolding when they know its part of a scene, or they might be a dominant partner, but few people like verbal abuse.
      LH

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  5. I also get grounded at times and I usually make sure to call my friends and tell them I can't do something because if they call the house my wife will tell them she grounded me.

    I did initiate the FLR and DD relationship before we were married. We discussed it and she has over the years became very good at discipline and scolding. I usually regret what I did before the spanking even started but when she begins to spank me I really regret what I did.

    My wife is very sweet, lovable and understanding unless I annoy her or disobey her then she becomes the complete opposite of how she usually is.

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    1. Dan,
      Good idea to call. It can be embarrassing. Grounding makes me feel like a child, but probably the worst punishment I received as an adult is when I was away at a conference for 4 days. I was tied and stressed out a little and I spoke rather nasty to my wife on the phone over nothing, really. My mouth used to get me in trouble. She hit the roof in Mistress mode and assigned me the punishment of writing lines; "I will show proper respect to my Mistress" 500 hundred times. It was to be written neatly in medium blue ink and as straight as possible on white unlined paper. If I had a lot of office work, she said I could bring a minimum of 250 completed lines home, and finish the rest at home. If I failed, then she'd use the cane when I got home, and might consider another punishment because my nasty comments included foul language. I apologized and said I would do the assignment. I had to scramble for the paper and bought high quality printer paper. I resolved myself to finish all the writing while I was away, rather than come home with it half done.
      LH

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    2. OK... come on...I'll bite for all of us....what was the other potential punishment she would employ due to your comments being made w foul language????

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    3. Darren,
      Well, I can honestly say I don't know because she didn't say. I didn't want to find out. Our marriage is a consensual D/s relationship which my wife describes as "a FLR on the light side." That makes it unpredictable. For swearing at her or for nasty comments (in the past) she's given me punishment and long lectures, made me wear only gaudy red and white panties for the weekend, grounded me, etc. Sometimes I'd actually like her to be a stronger Mistress consistently. Sometimes she is an extreme Mistress. For example, when we had a big argument about something, she took my quarterly bonus away as punishment and bought herself a coat, a necklace, and and some other things.
      LH

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  6. This post is particularly timely for me. I’ve recently had a few things happen in my personal life the past cpl weeks that may end up having an important impact on this aspect of my/me &wife’s lives moving forward. I don’t want to get overly personal here but my wife and I had let a problem fester in the relationship that THANKFULLY she realized if left unaddressed could put our relationship at risk. So we had a very hard, direct and honest conversation. We agreed that we were going to make a very concerted effort to repair things. A component of that conversation touched on my needs…and that they need to be addressed as well. I did not use this opportunistically to try to advance DD specifically between us, that’s not what the conversation was about, but it was a glaringly obvious example to use as an illustration of the point that there are times you need to be aware of others needs even if you don’t share them. I said, as she knows well, most of the DD/FLR wives didn’t initially have the interest they ultimately do it (and yes subsequently come to enjoy different aspects of it) …from the position of….”I love him so if it what hereally needs, I’ll do it for him”. Then subsequently, the other very very unfortunate event was the loss of my father in law. CLEARLY as soon as that happened all thought about our prior conversation was shelved, she had a whole new set of issues that of course needed to take complete priority. My wife was left solely in charge of a very complicated family situation, on multiple fronts. In the past weeks I have sat back and watched her completely take charge of the situation, calling meetings w advisors, tell people what she expects done, making big decisions and TELLING people (including family) how things are going to go. Over night, before my eyes my wife’s persona has turned into the person I knew was in there and have at times even fantasized about! Hell…I doubt I could even handle “this version” 24/7… “she’d” change life as I know it…lol……lol…..But it has been wild seeing the part of my wife I NEED at times, come out right before my eyes. I have made a point of telling her how proud I am of her, the way she jumped into action, took charge and did what needed to be done. Of course I had to include that as horrific, horrible, stressful a time it is… seeing her in action has gotten to me…..she’s SO HOT. I think that may have resonated w/ her from some recent comments.

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    1. I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law. It's great that your wife rose to the occasion like that, and it sounds like she appreciated your comments about it.

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  7. I was nodding my head as I read though the entire post this week. I was psyched for you as I got to the portion where you said you recognized you needed to communicate and talk about it; where you were, where you are and where you want to go. Having just gone through a major RESET convo I’m a huge fan. You’re at the perfect place to have a RESET w all this. I have one tiny nuance comment I might offer on the positioning of it. Granted I’m basing this on my own shortcoming…I have learned the hard way the past couple years that I have tried to over “craft” how I want HER to react/interact. You can’t be a virgin again….lol….it might come across as too roleplay to tell her now you in essence want you both to pretend you’re starting from scratch and this time she’s introducing the concept not you. You can’t change the reality of the past in her mind. Perhaps look at it in terms of “PHASES”. You “owned” (you used the same word I was going to) Phase 1 which was no small feat; introducing the idea, get her acclimated and comfortable with the idea of it, helped teach, educate our wives on everything from the actual physical aspect of spanking to the FAR FAR more complicated mental/emotional issues we know they would have to get through and come to terms with. ECT ECT…. Just call to her attention that it’s time you guys recognize how you have evolved so far past those earlier days and are now in such a different place. Hell in a way you’re different people w each other than you were a few years ago. Now you’re at Phase 2 which is INCORPORATING/IMPLEMNTING the principles of it in your relationship. And the reality is SHE needs to OWN Phase 2. The list of questions you had come up w for her is AWESOME. The most important comment from you will be towards the end of that conversation when you ask……CAN she do this….WILL SHE do this? Suggest she not over answer right now. Have her think about it and process…THEN if at some point she is ready to take charge of the next phase. In her own time and own way she can come to you and let you know how things will be moving forward between you. THAT can be your RESET where she does come to you and initiate how things are going to be NOW.

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    1. Yeah, I think the closer things are to playacting a new beginning, the less likely it is to work.

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  8. Funny aside, as a way to truly symbolize the reset and demonstration to my wife of her truly “owning” it …. I had made a gorgeous paddle for my wife early on but it was never completely “finished” as is stained and sealed. For some reason when I gave it to her and asked how she would like it finished she didn’t want me to do that. (No idea why, maybe at those early stages that would have felt like she was buying in too much??? Who knows) So It’s just been bare wood. Also it’s been kept in a box in my closet. I’m going to finally finish it (will really be nice…its beautiful wood and shape) …..and present her w the box and explain… I had made this for her…it’s HER paddle……so she should keep it w/ her things for use how and when she wants.

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    1. I should do something like this, but it would probably cost me $1,0000 in wood working tools for a paddle that, in my clumsy hands, wouldn't turn out as nice as one I could buy for $100.

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    2. To tell you the truth it was easy....and i'm no "wood worker". Went to home depot, they sell small pieces that happen to be the perfect thickness of red oak, it's a really pretty finishing wood which is very dense. Then the great part is was being able to make it the exact shape I wanted. Went w traditional rectangle shaped, an oversized hairbrush shape, w/ the head large enough to cover most of the cheek. Also made sure to put a comfortable length handle. Then just cut out with a jigsaw.

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  9. Ah, 'resets'. If the chief dissatisfaction with DD is the lack of consistency, one could say that the single most consistent aspect is the need for resets. They are like New Year's resolutions! You make 'em, stick with them for a bit, slack, then resolve to get back on track. We've done way more than our fair share, but I won't bore anyone with details because that information would only be worthwhile if the reset made a lasting difference....and they never do.

    Instead of hoping a reset will make a lasting difference I've just come to appreciate them as part of a DD relationship in the real world. Kind of like knowing that you are sooner or later you're going to have to reset a laptop to keep it from glitching. Who resets a device thinking "well, this is the last time I'll ever have to do THIS"? LOL

    I liked your section on the desire to use a reset to sort of establish a revisionist view of who "asked for" the DD/FLR. I like it. It's like when they rewrite a character's origin to make it better than the original one. And I say, "why not?".......if you both can agree on it, why can't the new story be the one that counts? (It's like in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" where George and Martha can enjoy having a child just by agreeing that they actually have one.)

    As for the wife owning the DD? Well, considering how Rosa took to it, it's not a problem for us. Other things? For sure, but not that. So that is not something we work too much on.

    And true to my claim that resets are an inevitable constant, we just kind of went through another reset here and it lasted a couple of weeks. Now we're back to 'hit or miss' and eventually when that dwindles down to just 'miss', we'll probably reset again. And actually, going through the process of what the new reset will be is something enjoyable in and of itself. So maybe it's just better to make the reset fun and positive but not make its permanent success a condition for whether they are worth doing?

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    1. Great point.....resets are a part of life (ask my waistline) so of course would be a part of this as well. But hopefully a change in perspective, how she's looking at it and her role.....might be something you're able to set make a more permanent change. Not saying that automatically eliminates the ebbs and flows of activity and frequency......

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    2. Your first paragraph could be right, which is depressing if what you're hoping to reset is your own behavior. In the reset I'm trying to envision, the DD/FLR relationship is primarily (though not wholly) a means and not the end in itself. Unfortunately, you're right that most resolutions go unfulfilled.

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  10. Again, our 24/7, DD relationship is a bit different. Yes, I wanted it and I told her when she asked me to move it I wanted a DD relationship. We made lists and compared them and together hammered out the agreement. Her taking over, yes that did happen on day one. After moving in the last of my belongs, she said "If we are doing this, we are doing it right, take off all your clothes. You are getting spanked right now to start things off". Resets, well yes, in a manner of speaking. Every year at New Years, we review our agreement and lists of offenses. Together we discuss and tweak anything that we both agree on. Perhaps for a few months, she seems to initiate more discipline spankings than normal. Mostly I go to her and rat on myself. She then delivers the punishment spanking. There are times when she notices a missed chore or rule being broken and tells me than immediately delivers the spanking. Not only when we are home either, I have been spanked while out or at the homes of others. So I guess she is in control and I need not reminder her. Our annual 'reset' seems to be working well.

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    1. Sounds like a great system that obviously works for you both.

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  11. Dan,
    Two things...
    "I should do something like this, but it would probably cost me $1,0000 in wood working tools for a paddle that, in my clumsy hands, wouldn't turn out as nice as one I could buy for $100."

    What you're talking about is to "symbolize" the relationship of course, but you don't have to make anything. My wife keeps two canes in her closet. A long one and a short one. Carol only uses the short one, if she uses a cane at all. She doesn't use the long cane because it can inflight serious damage and she doesn't want to be cruel. The short cane hurts but it’s easier to control. The symbol here is that unlike the paddle I retrieve and present to her with a ritual that makes us both smile (I beg for mercy) the canes are "hands off" for me. I don't know why, but she says, "Don't touch the canes hubby, Mistress only." They’re both effective symbols. Perhaps as part of a reset or symbol, ask her to buy some spanking instrument and say you believe it should be owned by her along and your aren't worth to touch it or suggest it.

    On resets;
    "Sounds like a great system that obviously works for you both."

    It sounds like a good reset. And sometimes resets happen when they're unplanned or when partners just let them. Last night really was a reset of sorts for us. My wife gave me a longer disciplinary session (intentionally to take my mind off feeling depressed about feeling older and baldness). She recently lost weight and looked really good with a new hairstyle, a new pair of tight black pants, boots and a gold blouse she says could never be worn outside the house. Then we played the little game with the red rubber ball, which rolled behind the frig in the basement kitchen and got us laughing. We seemed to get lost in time because hours flew by. At some point she seemed to shift into be Mistress, which I hadn't seen in a while and was challenging, but we were enjoying ourselves. She loved referring to me as her “bald sub hubby”. We got talking about many things and had fun, although my bottom disagreed in the morning.

    This was another great topic and probably more comments will come.

    LH

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  12. Because we do not want an FLR and use DD for limited purposes, we will not have a reset as some have described, in which the wife takes over the relationship. But when I think about it, we maybe have reset in a couple of ways.

    Increasing from one session a week to two is a form of reset. It makes DD more prominent in our lives. It is too early to see if there is truly a corresponding reduction in Art's arrogance, though I posit that it is effective.

    The written log we have tried for several weeks is also a type of reset. While it has had its advantages in terms of eliciting some minor transgressions, we are going to go back to our nightly conversations about Art's behavior on the job. I did not realize how much I would miss those talks and his verbal confessions about his battles with holding his tongue. Those talks are more intimate than I had realized. Both of us feel that way. So while I believe in the effectiveness of written self-reporting, it is not needed in our relationship.

    Those are our resets. I may answer Dan's eight questions in another post.
    Liz

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    1. Hi Liz. I definitely see going from one session to two as a kind of "reset."

      Thanks for the update regarding the written log. Inspired by your changes, I have been doing more self-reporting, though neither my consistency nor her timeliness have received a fair testing, because of the situation of having house guests. I will give it a more honest try once they are gone. But, I will say that my modification of the plan--using an app that automatically updates a list in the same app on her phone, definitely has added an edge, a sense of importance and possible consequences, to each update. There really is something different about knowing that when I hit "enter" an update will appear instantaneously on her phone.

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    2. Yes, Art said something similar. I get an automatic email notification, and while I don't have my email pop up on my phone, he knows that it is "sent and gone" and can't be recalled. He said he would be guessing at how many extra swats that meant. And I did make sure to impose extra punishment at the next session, so he didn't get to avoid it due to any inconsistency on my part in reviewing the chart. It worked, for sure. But so do the conversations work.
      Liz

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  13. "The written log we have tried for several weeks is also a type of reset. While it has had its advantages in terms of eliciting some minor transgressions, we are going to go back to our nightly conversations about Art's behavior on the job. I did not realize how much I would miss those talks and his verbal confessions about his battles with holding his tongue. Those talks are more intimate than I had realized."

    Liz,
    It sounds like a reset of sorts, and it's certainly a wonderful process if you see those talks as being intimate and are having positive results. I like that they are a "nightly," because that makes them a ritual. When my wife and I were first in a serious relationship, before we were married, she disciplined me for fun. We had those types of talks from time to time, and sometimes my she would give me a fairly hard slap for something I said or did. Perhaps those were the beginnings of more serious discipline sessions later on.
    LH

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  14. Dan,
    You asked:
    "Any thoughts on other questions we should ask each other during this process?"
    Below are a few suggestions. A couple of my questions might relate to one or more of your questions but seemed big enough to me stand as separate ones. I gave a couple of answers, mainly for fun.

    1. If you became totally in charge, would you ever want anyone else to know you (if you could trust someone else enough to know)? Who would you prefer this person to be? A friend? A relative such as a sister?
    - An old friend (a lady) knows that my wife is boss without knowing intimate details. We often speculate about what she thinks. She overheard me say "Mistress" and a few other things in a playful call on my Iphone.

    2. Would you ever see yourself growing comfortable enough to let a third person become actively or passively involved in some way? A voyeur scenario? Someone to assist in role playing, such as that related to discipline. Letting a trusted person watch discipline as it happens.
    - My wife would not. I'd be open if my wife wanted it.

    3. Would you want to dominate the finances (e.g. to give out an allowance, or to approve purchases over a certain figure?)
    - My wife couldn’t be bothered (fortunately) but she has questioned a few purchases in the past and made her feelings strongly known.

    4. Would you ever want to purchase or something exotic, such as chastity device or queening chair?
    - I have a CB6000 (yep, I worn it)
    - We've seriously discussed a queening chair.

    5. Would you ever want a special place or playroom for discipline or for certain FLR activities?
    - Our home came with a finished basement apartment. We never rented it, but we have used it for the added privacy.

    Just a few ideas that came to me while waiting to let a plumber in our home.
    LH

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    1. Sure thing.
      LH

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    2. Dan,
      I have one more question that I thank my wife for. She came in my bathroom looking for moisturizer and watched me as I used the shaver she bought to shave my own head. She said "You look so much better because you had lost a lot of hair. Too bad you didn't shave it before. It looks good." I joked, "Mistress never asked me." She said, "You're lucky. Some Mistresses have a submissive shave a lot more. Maybe I'll put you wig and a dress on you, too". She wouldn't of course, but that triggered a question for your list...
      "If you became totally in charge in a FLR, would you ever want your submissive to alter his appearance in private or in public? Tattoos? Female clothing? Shaving? Other?

      Also, my wife told me to “Be ready for discipline session this Saturday night too. We can sleep in the next day.” lol
      LH

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    3. Hmmmmm "many a truth is said in jest".....OK Dan, a bit of a challenge for you to make things fun....what makes you say "She wouldn't of course".... I'd LOVE if you shared your initial comment...my response/question...as well as your RESPONSE!!!! w wifey

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    4. ....or better yet......surprise her by , as she put it "shave a lot more"....as you go to show her your new smooth self, remind her of this joe of hers and see what her reaction is

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    5. LH, Great questions! We would love to have a discipline room, and talk about it often. Ideally it would be soundproof enough that we would never have to worry about whether we were alone or not.

      -ZM

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    6. Bad_boy_G,
      Well, were lucky the apartment came with the house (guess it's a called a mother-daughter home). I just refreshed and painted it. My wife decorated it. The ceiling tiles must be sound proof. You really can't hear anything upstairs. We have an empty nest but it's perfect for an added level of privacy. The extra kitchen is nice to have too; last weekend during our play and discipline session, Mistress took a break and said "Bald Sub Hubby, fetch me tea." lol. I made it right there and didn't have to go upstairs.
      LH

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  15. Dan, I like your idea to have your wife answer that list of questions. I can imagine the answers I would want to hear from my wife. The key to the dynamic for me is inside the head of the disciplinarian. What is her motivation? What is she wanting to accomplish by spanking or using other forms of domestic discipline? What does she enjoy about the process? Where did her attraction to discipline start? Is there a real-world model of authority she draws from? Does she want a parental level of authority, and how literal does she want it to be? How strict is she or, in other words, how much freedom does she want to allow? What methods of punishment does she favor and why? Is she interested in my background as it relates to the subject? Does she want to fulfill my fantasies, or are they even relevant to her imposition of discipline? Does she want a male who is independent, who will be challenging, and who she can take down a peg, or would she prefer a submissive guy ready to bow to her will and obey her every command?

    It’s really about her enthusiasm for it. That could be revealed in how she answers the questions. If she can show that genuine desire, I could even see it working if I initiated the DD/FLR relationship. Her discovery of enthusiasm would actually be an effective reset.

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    1. I like the idea also. A spouse answering the questions might be very revealing, especially to get a handle on their motivation and to what level they might be open to carry an FLT/DD relationship.

      I'd love to print off a list and ask own wife. Sometimes she's the Mistress, but sometimes we're like equals only with a chance of me getting disciplined over something. Sometimes it's just a scene. That all keeps it interesting, but I'd love to see her to go farther and I'd be more submissive to her.
      LH

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  16. I have to say that delivering an in-depth questionnaire with a bunch of brain-straining questions befuddles me. I'm trying to be delicate here - but I know if a woman asked Aunt Kay about it she would probably say "just who does he think he is to subject you to that?"

    The question are what a guy might ruminate about in his head. But to demand answers? Maybe rethink it? Maybe use them to privately piece together one's own analysis; if that's your mindset.

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    1. Keep in mind, the original concept here involves *both* the husband and wife answering a set of structured questions. It's always interesting to me that men are generally faulted for not communicating and encouraged to do a better job of considering their wives' thoughts on the relationship . . . pretty much everywhere but in DD and FLR relationships. In that one subset of couples, there seems to be huge resistance to any suggestion that it would better for the men to just ruminate on what she may or may not want, instead of coming out and asking, and that it is an equally good thing if he doesn't share what he wants or needs because doing so might constitute "topping from the bottom."

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    2. Tomy and Dan,
      Re: "The question(s) are what a guy might ruminate about in his head. But to demand answers?"

      I'm definitely not trying to make fun of the idea for questions. If someone is reluctant to present a list of questions, a list could still be used for discussion purposes. It certainly might not be bad idea for some couples.

      But what I wanted to share is about when my wife and I were both briefly on the computer in our office for something and then I showed her a couple of the comments and questions. She told me she got a chuckle when she read, "But to demand answers?", and then she said "When that list of questions is done, please let me know when you plan to DEMAND answers from me." She was laughing but by her tone I thought it was an interesting little showing of dominance.
      LH

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    3. Hi Dan,
      I loved the questions. I think that they would make excellent "talking points." The specific answers to each question are probably less important than the framework that they form for discussion.

      -ZM

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  17. This is Liz answering Dan's 8 questions.

    1. When it is working at its best, what does DD/FLR do for you? How does it make you feel?

    Empowered with a tool that really works to curb my husband's arrogance.

    2. Do you like being in charge? What do you like about it? Are there aspects of it that you don’t like?

    I of course am not "in charge" 24/7. But when I am I like it more than I thought I would. I like the power, the authority, the respect he gives me, and how it humbles him. After a paddling he is sweet to me the rest of the day.

    3. If you knew that I would be on board with whatever you directed, what would you want your level of authority and control to look like? Etc.

    I don't want total control or a submissive husband. I wouldn't mind ordering him to do a few more household chores, though.

    4. Are there particular punishments or forms of discipline or control that you want to impose or would like to try? Etc.

    No, I am comfortable with the paddle. I don't believe in humiliation, so many of those others are out.

    5. Is there a particular role/archetype that appeals to you the most? Etc.

    Definitely Strict Wife. Definitely not Strict Mother. I am his Accountability Partner.

    6. What holds you back from taking on the role you want?

    I am in the role I want.

    7. Was there someone you associate with disciplinary authority ... that you think would be helpful to bring to the current relationship?

    My mother was stricter than I am. Sometimes I try to channel her. Sometimes I think about what she would do to my husband.

    8. Do you want to be more dominant sexually? Etc.

    I absolutely love my husband being dominant in the bedroom. There are times that I basically tell him what to do, but they are male-dominant things: "Spank me. Take me. Make me." So is that me dominating, or him? It feels like him to me.

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    1. Hi Liz. "I like the power, the authority, the respect he gives me, and how it humbles him." I think my wife would agree with that one.

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  18. I probably overreacted to the questions. I was always the less analytical one and she did do all kinds of surveys over the years that are probably still on the DWC site somewhere.

    And she did say that communication is the number one factor.

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  19. Hi Dan,
    I love the idea of everything always just moving smoothly forward, but it turns out life doesn't really seem to work that way for us, and in fact even if it did, I would probably become bored with it. So that leaves me with lots of false starts, interruptions, sudden changes of directions, lulls, and yes, restarts! If you can't achieve consistency (which for reasons beyond our direct control we have been unable to do), then at least keep starting one more time than you stop, and somehow you might still end up being close to where you want to be!

    As you know, I like the idea of a "boot camp" of sorts, but again that requires a big block of time that we really don't yet have, and even if we did have a block of time, I think we are so starved for time alone that we would be unlikely to dedicate it to a boot camp. However, I think once we are truly empty nesters, either this fall or next, the boot camp might be a great way to kick of an attempt at her having a little closer control.

    -ZM

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  20. Dan,
    Some surprise changes came from showing my wife your blog and the questions, though she to me changes aren't related to the questions. My wife went back on her own and read your blog and comments (including mine) and skimmed some earlier blog entries and comments. Last night we talked half the night about different things, even politics. Then she said she was “turning up the temperature on our FLR.” It was unexpected. She said that things can get boring, and inconsistency is bad. We also haven’t made any changes since the nest became empty. Since she’s the Mistress and I’m interested, she said, “I want to make changes too.” I was totally surprised.

    She essentially said, “Mistress, has decided that you’re taking over weekend meals and weekend laundry. I cook five days a week and do wash, and you’re going to handle it weekends. We’ll start next weekend. We eat too much take out anyway. With the costs and now the virus it’s better to eat more home. We’ll work around weekend plans you have or if you have other work, maybe you can prepare meals in advance. Tonight, you’re getting weekly discipline.” Wow!

    My wife made one more change. She wants me home every night right after work starting Monday. Exceptions will be for work-related activities I need to be involved with or errands to be run. She will approve anything special. There’s not much more. I asked her to consider posting a comment, but I don’t know if she will.
    LH

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