Saturday, December 28, 2019

The Club - Meeting 324 - Happy New Years, Resolutions & Ask Me Anything

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. - Oprah Winfrey

Hello all.  Welcome back to the last meeting of the Disciplinary Couples Club for 2018. 

As all of you long-term readers know, I am a chronic maker of lists, and that includes lengthy, detailed lists of goals, expectations, hopes and resolutions.  I am not a person who is afraid of change in general and nowhere near arrogant enough to think I couldn't use some, including in my personal habits and performance.


Consistent with my recent bout of laziness, which has led me to recycle some older posts recently (though, to be fair, I did update them at least little), I decided to start this early New Years post by first looking back at the posts from 2018 and 2017.  It was an odd mix of forward progress, modest change, and some plain old intertia.  Surprisingly and a little depressingly, here is a verbatim quote from 2017, summarizing my approach to setting goals for 2018:

“I kind of feel like leaving things a little open to whatever happens.  As it inevitably will and instead of resisting it, I hope to allow for the possibility of being pleasantly surprised. In fact, one reason I'm not spending a lot of time coming up with specific career and work goals for 2018 is I wouldn't mind being in something very different by year-end and so, while I want to continue to out-perform in my current role as long as it lasts, I don't want to be so focused on goals related to that role that I don't stay mentally and emotionally open to letting something entirely new take me in an entirely different direction.  I do hope 2018 brings a deepening of the Domestic Discipline aspects of my relationship with my wife and a stepping up in her confidence level and willingness to take control.  Being the goal-setter and list-maker I am at heart, I probably will spend some time in the next few days coming up with specific things I would like to see us do to help bring those goals about, but right now, I just don't feel like it.  So . . .  Goodbye 2017.”

Now, the reason that entry seems depressing is that I intended to open this week's post by noting that my resolutions frequently focus a lot on career and financial goals, but that it is hard to do that this year because I am giving serious consideration to trying to be in a very different and likely much less lucrative career by the end of 2020.  But, when I looked at the 2017 post I found this was exactly where I was at this same point that year! So, on the surface, not much has changed in two freaking years.

Though,in some ways, things did not stay the same and, in fact, 2019 was a mirror image of 2018.  Here are some excerpts from 2018:  

“I hope you all had a great Christmas.  Ours was good.  In some ways, it seemed like a 'smaller' holiday.  Less busyness.  Slightly less running around from party to party.  And, smaller but more personal gifts.  And, I like that. Looking back on 2018, it was a pretty good year, if I ignore the career front.  That aspect of 2018 was mediocre at best, with much more involuntary downtime than I’m usually comfortable with. While our progress stalled mid-year, on the DD and FLR front my wife really did step it up significantly in the first half of the year, and hopefully she will get back on track once kids clear out after the holidays. Our kids are all healthy and doing well on their chosen school/career paths.  From a health perspective, this time last year I was convalescing from an injury and in a chronic bad mood due to lack of sleep caused by ongoing pain from said injury.  Full recovery took way longer than I expected, but I’m finishing out 2018 stronger and healthier than I was in 2017, and slightly ahead of where I was in 2016. At my age, doing better than holding steady is itself a surprising accomplishment.  While it was not a smooth ride for everyone in our extended family, all of them are still with us as we head into 2019 and their momentary setbacks now look like blessings in disguise. We also have some aging furry friends that are more like family than pets. I was pretty sure more than one of them would not see the end of 2018, yet while things are getting harder for them, all are still with us.”

This year ended a lot like 2018 -- scaled down busyness and running around and a focus on family.  In fact, one reason I feel better than usual this year is, while I put away my share of Christmas cookies and other bad food, we bailed on pretty much ever holiday party that would normally be on our agenda. And, that felt good. But, the similarities break down as I look backward over the course of 2019 and compare it to what I said above about 2018.  In 2018, things stayed pretty stable on the work front, and any lack of activity was involuntary.  In contrast, in 2019 I made a fairly disastrous career decision early in the year that kept me insanely busy for the entire year, at least on the management side. For our kids, it was kind of a mixed bag, with some resounding successes but also some big disappointments and frustrated expectations. From a health perspective, 2018 ended in better shape than it began, while this year I’ve been dealing with a chronic and frustrating problem that may be a result of the frenzied job pace, and it’s made it even more challenging than usual to keep to any sort of workout routine, leaving me slightly heavier than I was last year.  Though, when I look at just how bad the year was in terms of diet and exercise, it could be a lot worse, and on a few metrics I actually am in slightly better shape than this time last year.  But, for much of the year the trend was not good at all, and that is something that absolutely must get fixed in 2020.  As for our extended family, 2018 was rough for some of them but most of them seem healthier this year than last, with one significant exception.  And, finally, our elderly furry friends held in there through 2018, but the same was not true of 2019.


Now, as for specific resolutions I made in 2016 and 2017, the picture is pretty damn depressing.  Here is how I did:

General Resolutions

Fewer Saturdays spent regretting my Friday work-related socializing: This got a little better as we approached year-end, but it mostly was a bad year on this front.  Almost all of the bad behavior related to work responsibilities or, at least, work-related activities and temptations.  One more reason to rethink what a successful career looks like for 2020.

Temper at work: This was OK through much of the year, and I actually made a good amount of progress. I even formed some genuinely good relationships with a couple of people at work who used to consistently set me off. I really tried to start living by the mantra "assume good intentions."   Then, in the last month or two of the year it got a lot worse.  Honestly, the accumulated impact of a year of too much travel and too little sleep finally just got the better of me.

Nurturing important relationships: This was a very mixed bag. Thanks to travel, I saw less of my wife. Though, perhaps in a twisted form of "absence makes the heart grow fonder,"  in some ways our relationship improved, including on the DD and FLR front.  Though, honestly, I think that had more to do with more personal growth on her side than on absence per se, though one could argue that the absence gave her both room and necessity to stretch and grow. I did end up with some new relationships at work, but those were offset by not doing a great job of maintaining some meaningful existing relationships. If anything, that problem was exacerbated over the last month of 2019, as we skipped out on holiday parties with existing friends and work connections, as we were just too exhausted.

Exiting 2019 in better shape than I entered it, as measured by pant-size, blood pressure, strength and endurance: This was, at best, very mixed.  On most of the important metrics, such as blood pressure and cholesterol levels, I lost ground.  On the other hand, my strength is about the same and maybe slightly up, while pant-size is about the same and actually slightly down.  But, on the whole, it was a year in which I lost some ground, because I'm not living with a chronic problem that is making working out more challenging and painful.  I'm going to have to explore this in a more systematic and dedicated way in 2020, and it may be that I have to accept that aging inevitably applies to me and not not just the rest of the human race.  Nah, let's not go there quite yet.  

Domestic Discipline Resolutions:

Self-report any infractions at least weekly: Big fail. If anything, all my work related overnight travel made it even easier to get away with bad behavior.

Empower my wife to grow in her disciplinary authority: I think I did OK on this, though her actual success at “taking the bull by the horns,” ebbed and flowed. But, in 2018 the flow was in the wrong direction – she started strong but then lost ground.  In 2019, it got off to a slow start, but in the last few months she started getting a lot more consistent with using spankings to address issues that make her mad and in punishing bad behavior.

During spankings, instead of "taking it like a man," try hard to let go all ego and control, surrendering totally to her authority:  Let loose and really cry during a spanking: Like every other year, this was a total fail. 

Do a two-day boot camp to focus on our DD and FLR relationship: Fail.


So, where to go in 2020?  I’m still in this post-Christmas zen place in which I don’t feel very ambitious.  On the non-DD front, I really, really need to work on getting into better physical shape and getting the daily stress under control.  I’m pretty hesitant to make any career goals for 2020, given that I did have a plan in place at the end of 2018 and then everything went totally sideways and pretty much off the rails for the entirety of 2019.  In fact, in the past I had this almost faith-like belief that there actually was a connection between my plan and list-making and the goals I hit each year.  It wasn't always linear, but there did seem to be a connection.  But, wow, did 2019 ever lead me to question that assumption. The year as it happened looked nothing like the year I planned as I wrapped up 2018.  Though, I don't think passivity and inertia is the right course either.  I do think that I need to face up to the fact that if I keep doing what I’m doing in terms of care, even if that turns out to be very lucrative financially and a least “not bad” with respect to fulfillment, just staying in that rut may keep me from doing something that actually would be better.  You can do that only so many years in a row before time runs out. 

On the DD/FLR/kink front, I guess my real wish is to take the progress of 2018 and 2019 and make it more consistent, pervasive and systematic. An area I think we did make progress in, both in 2018 and 2019, was increasing the overall sexual vibe in the relationship.  That was really positive, and I hope we can take that in new and exciting directions. 
She has definitely gotten more comfortable being bossy and exercising authority.  It now just needs to become more automatic.  I have to do my part in that, primarily through finally getting on the self-reporting thing once and for all.  I’d also like to stop being so paranoid about confidentiality and, instead, open myself to more real relationships within this little community we’ve built, if others are willing.

How about you? If you’re on the receiving end of the paddle, do you have any specific resolutions for 2020?  Any specific bad behaviors you’d like conquer?  Any specific ways in which you’d like to see your wife take more control or crack the whip harder, literally or figuratively?


Ladies, what about you?  Do you have any resolutions for what you’d like to accomplish in 2020?  Any areas in which you’d like to improve as a disciplinarian or leader? What about goals for him?  Are there any behaviors you are committed to stamping out once and for all? Have you made any concrete plans for how to accomplish that?


For both sexes, feel free to share any resolutions that are not related to DD or FLR.  It’s great to hear what others think is important and what they intend to do about it.

Finally, I am well aware that this “resolutions” post has flopped pretty much every time I have done it.  So, I’ll combine it with another post that I did a few times but also didn’t do so well.  Maybe in combination we’ll get a conversation going. I call this post, “Ask Me Anything,” and it’s pretty self-explanatory. 


If there’s anything your curious about regarding my DD and FLR lifestyle, here is your chance to ask.  I’ll also try to answer questions outside the DD and FLR context, as long as they aren’t too revealing in terms of my real identity, profession, etc.  (Well, so much for that resolution regarding being more open and less concerned about being outed.  It’s not even 2020 and I’ve already blown one resolution!)
  
I hope you had a great 2019 and that 2020 is even better.  Rest up.  Be safe.

84 comments:

  1. This falls into the “ask me anything” category but really looking for your opinion. As everyone probably knows we (The US) is deeply polarized politically with that polarization strongly correlated with some key demographics including age, education, gender and race. Electorally that tends to predict political party or more specifically whether you are a Pro Trumper (conservative) or a Never Trumper (progressive). Those same lines seem to predict lifestyle choices, products preferences and a host of other behaviors and attitudes. HOWEVER - and this gets to my question, the evidence from your blog and others suggests to me that spanking in general and F/M spanking in particular does not follow those patterns –with couples of all political preferences interested in and participating in adult spanking.( need to punt on race since there is really no way of identifying a posters race unless they declare it) So we seem to have conservative women disciplinarians and progressive women disciplinarians spanking conservative misbehaving males and progressive misbehaving males. In other words adult spanking practices seem to transcend modern society’s political divisions. (I am inferring the presence of both conservatives and progressives on your blog and others since to my knowledge, no real data exists linking political orientation to spanking interests) Two questions: do you agree about the mix of political types involved in spanking and two, what if anything does it reveal about adult spanking
    Alan

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    1. Hi Alan. It's an interesting question, and whatever answer I give is mainly speculation. The best I can do is to refer you to Post #183 from 2016, though it should be taken with a big grain of salt given there were only about a hundred responses. According to that poll, Republican were over-represented in our readership compared to their numbers among the voter population. But, I'd be careful about drawing the conclusion that Republicans or political conservatives are more into spanking or DD. Rather, I suspect it represents the fact that membership in the Republican party tends to be older, and so does our readership.

      In general, I agree with you that interest in adult spanking and discipline probably cuts broadly across party affiliation. But, I'd also point you to Post #272 from 2018, which discussed a Politico article that discussed a study regarding the respective fantasy lives of Republicans versus Democrats. According to that study, the parties' members fantasized at similar rates, but the content was very different. Republicans tended to fantasize about sex outside traditional marriages and about voyeurism, so their fantasies covered things like threesomes, extramarital affairs, cuckolding and watching others have sex. Democrats on the other hand tended to fantasize about power imbalances and also about sado-masochism, including the whole spectrum of BDSM, D/s, adult spanking and masochism. The author's theory was that we tend to fantasize about what we can't have. Thus, Republicans emphasize traditional family values and, therefore, their fantasies focus on sex outside the traditional family and on affairs and multiple-partner permutations. Democrats are about about egalitarianism and non-violence, so their fantasies tend to focus on very unequal power arrangements and sado-masochism.

      Interesting stuff.

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    2. The age skew probably does tilt it toward the GOP but your group seems a literate educated group implying a college degree or higher which is not a Republican predictor in the age of Trump ( before anyone misconstrues I am not saying Republican are not smart or well educated, but trend-wise Democrats are better educated as a cohort despite large individual differences.) But age is probably key here as we have discussed a certain maturity precedes many forays into DD for both genders.Regardless of all this, spanking interest seems to be at least distributed among both ideological perspectives. Maybe we can get the country back together proselytizing DD lifestyles. There have been worse ideas
      Alan

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    3. Amygdalas, it's all about the amygdalas. Everything else is seemingly irrelevant. I also tend to disdain the offered dichotomic associations with actual living, breathing human beings and their choices. If I was that simplistic a person, I'd have shot myself out of sheer self-loathing years ago.

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    4. Alan, I bet we could find many, many people willing to personally introduce Trump to adult spanking!

      KD, sorry, not understanding that one at all. Maybe not enough coffee this morning, but can you expand or clarify?

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    5. There were two points: one was to say that at times, much like you, I don't see things as either/or but more of a "Kinsey spectrum" for EVERYTHING, including liberal/conservative. So to ask whether there are patterns to who is what and how that may align with kink is being linked to the assumption that one is one or the other. But other than tribal identity, thinking people don't see themselves that way. For example, take us, are we liberals or conservatives? If one wants to join a tribe one must choose an identity, but isn't it more like, "well I'm conservative on this and liberal on that"? And, on top of that we have also pretty much come to see that the labels commonly attributed to the tribals aren't even correct. "Liberals" trying to restrict free speech/ "conservatives" spending like drunken sailors? So that was point one.....how can the question be answered when the labels don't really make sense? And then I sort of admitted that if I felt I was as insipid as being one or the other with no spectrum of position based on topic being discussed, I'd have shot myself by now. If I ever become a cardboard caricature based on some label someone wants to try to fit for me, it's over.LOL

      And the second point was: and even if you want to go by the either/or labels routinely used, that study I read a few weeks back pretty much says it's more about relative anatomical differences in the amygdala portion of the brain rather than a position held due to objective scrutiny and evaluation. So then kink might be also due to some physical anomaly?

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    6. These last couple of years have made me wonder whether it's really true that we have certain beliefs and then pick a tribe accordingly, or do we belong to a tribe and then profess to believe whatever it believes at any given moment? I have relatives who are Republicans and claim to be conservatives, but what they mean by that now, after voting for Trump, is in many ways exactly the opposite of what they would have said it meant back when they supported Reagan. Decade after decade, their tribe stays the same while the content of their ideology seems pretty malleable. Now, some issues may be big enough to push people outside their tribe. A hell of a lot of Southerners were Democrats right up until the Democratic party became the part of civil rights.

      The brain structure thing gets tricky though. Concert violinists apparently often have a larger than average corpus callosum. But, is that because they are naturally inclined to be good at the violin or because thousands of hours of practice caused that area of the brain to grow? It's like attributing things to genes. People used to think our genes hard-wired a lot of our behavior, but now we know that our activities may cause certain genes to express themselves. So, yeah, biology matters but so do our actions.

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    7. Dan,
      Excellent points. And in many cases, maybe both is true (both for concert violinists and tribes). Maybe we have certain beliefs and then pick a tribe because of the way we are wired, but then maybe as we are part of a tribe, it changes the way we are wired. Maybe we become a violinist because we have a larger than average corpus callosum, but then as we practice for thousands and thousands of hours, the size difference becomes even more evident.

      I like your closing statement "so, yeah, biology matters but so do our actions." I can think of many, many occasions to use that statement, so hopefully you don't mind if I steal it from you!

      -ZM

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    8. I think the key question for a spouse considering being a disciplinarian is, "Am I comfortable with sometimes treating my spouse like a naughty child by using corporal punishment?" I doubt politics has anything to do with it.

      My answer: It doesn't bother me, he asked me to, and it works sometimes.
      Liz

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  2. Dan, here's my DD question: If a deaf disciplinarian privately spanks an equally deaf miscreant, does the spanking itself make a sound?

    And for my "non-DD" question: going into 2020.....do you think facts matter anymore, or are they an archaic relic of a quaint old time long past? (I was going to ask either that question or the age-old conundrum of "does the chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?" but decided on the more immediate relevance of the former query.)

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    1. Your hypothetical is incomplete. Was the miscreant Jack and his mother-in-law was witnessing the spanking? Is she deaf?

      Wow, you guys are all in a very philosophical/political mood this week. My fairly simple matter is that as applied to politics, facts do matter but they get filtered through ideology and confirmation bias, and tribalism can lead some people to simply ignore facts they don't like even if they do acknowledge them when pushed.

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    2. Dan,
      Hahahaha for the Jack's mother in law comment!

      For KD and whether facts matter, I would say that they do, but probably more important than ever before is the interpretation of facts. Much of what is sold today as "fact" is actually opinion or interpretation. And as Dan said, ideology and confirmation bias play in heavily in how people see events. If you consider one of the larger current events, that of the impeachment, both sides agree that Trump asked Ukraine to investigate Biden (so that part is certainly fact), yet one side says he was clearly abusing his power to investigate a political rival, and the other side says he was merely doing his job and rooting out corruption. Now, I am NOT trying to start a political argument here, since I MUCH prefer that we talk about DD and FLR, but I rather am just saying that even in cases where people can all agree on events, they might draw different or even entirely opposite conclusions, and may have, or at least feel that they have, perfect justification for their conclusions.

      -ZM

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    3. True, though depressingly I've read that a very significant percentage of Republicans polled say that Trump did *not* ask Ukraine to investigate Biden even though he has *admitted* he did so.

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    1. Several years ago, I decided that resolutions were a waste of my time and energy, and I'm more likely to set "goals." My only "goal" for now is to continue watching my health by keeping a food diary (I started that in June) testing my blood sugar twice daily, and a weekly weigh in every Friday morning.

      My first question is in relationship to this blog: What are the top three things you learned from your readers? Have they inspired you at all?

      Second question: If you could tell your wife anything without fear or judgement, what would it be?



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    2. Hi Merry. I tend to think of resolutions and goals interchangeably, though I guess you could say a resolution is a goal coupled with some kind of promise or commitment. Of course, based on actual performance, the promise or commitment part of my resolution has proven historically to be pretty weak.

      Hmm. Top 3 is hard, given all the thoughts and ideas I've picked up over the years. I guess the #1 by a long-shot is that my knowledge that DD even exists came from Tomy and his wife Kay, and a story al contributed to their DWC website really got deeply into my psyche. Another one that I think is important came from one of our "flouncers," Helen or Elizabeth (I don't remember which), and it was the value of making sure that each offense is spanked or punished separately, even if only by taking a break between sequential sessions. I think that concept is hugely important, since it guarantees there is always an incentive to behave better even if you've already screwed up and earned a spanking. A third is a bit more general and not traceable to one unique commenter, but you, KD, Alan, al, ZM and others have all contributed to it in one way or another. It is that while BDSM and DD are not the same thing, we shouldn't try to separate or divorce the erotic and disciplinary motivations that underlie DD. Instead, they support and augment each other. I think for many (but not all) eroticism supplies the energy that motivates men to actually ask for DD, and I think many of the wives who go beyond doing it and actually embrace it come to do so because they come to be turned on by their own exercise of power and authority. When I first started DD, I was pretty into the idea that DD and sex need to be very separate things. I no longer feel that way, and several of you brought me around on that point.

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  4. Happy new year Dan. I really enjoy hearing yourexperiences and updates on you and Anne's progress in DD and look forward to them each week.
    Although I know you prefer not to go into details of your specific spankings, I do enjoy it when you do as you do such a good job of it.
    In fact your experiences have inspired some of the posts on my own blog.
    So my question to you is in regard to your recent comment that your wife arrived home unexpectedly and ordered you upstairs for a spanking....care to elaborate on what transpired after that? Has Anne's spanking techniques changed as her confidence increases?

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    1. Hi Glen. Happy New Year to you, too!

      It's not so much that I don't like going into details of specific spankings. It's more that they tend not to vary much, so it gets hard to go into them very often without getting very repetitive. That one did turn out to be a little notable, not because it was particularly hard. Kind of the opposite. But, here are the details, such as they were. It was mid-day, and I really did think I likely had escaped accountability for a couple of significant instances of bad behavior. I was sitting at the kitchen table, when I heard her come in from the garage. She came directly into the kitchen and said very boldly, "The kids are on there way to XXX [a mall several miles away] to go Christmas shopping. So, go get ready for your spanking." She said it while looking at the app on her phone that she and the kids all use to know each others whereabouts. I personally think it's weird, but they all like it. The point is, she could see that they really were on their way to a mall several miles away at that very moment, so there was no way we would be interrupted.

      I didn't even try to argue or delay and was pretty resigned to the whole thing. I went upstairs, laid out her tools, and got naked. Where this one was a little different was I had talked to her a few days before about a particular paddle that has become "too much." I don't know why, but it feels more like getting hit by a 2x4 than by a paddle. I think it is because it is relatively narrow. I showed her the one I meant, so she could set it aside. She gave a lecture about the bad behavior, but it was pretty short. I then draped myself over the ottoman, which is how we do it 99% of the time these days. I can't see what tool she is going for after I lay over the ottoman, but I think she started with a vicious leather "paddle" that has a way of finding its way into the most tender parts between my cheeks. She then moved to a large leather strap, which she swung very hard for probably around 40 strokes. She then went to another wooden paddle and -- guess what -- it had the same 2x4 like effect! I immediately asked which one she was using, and she showed me that it was a different one. She then ended with another strap and a smaller paddle, but it was cut short on the premise that my bottom was looking bad. In reality, I think the concerns I raised about the implements flustered her a bit.

      After the spanking was over, I ordered a couple of new custom-made paddles, because I do think the issue is that multiple paddles we have acquired over the years are relatively narrow (about 3"to 3.5"), and for some reason they feel like they are doing real injury beyond what is expected with a real disciplinary spanking. And, they just aren't effective -- when that kind of pain hits, I "man up" and just try to get through it. I absolutely cannot give in to it, surrender, etc. But, I also want her to have tools that really are intimidating and painful. So, I ordered paddles that should be very tough to take, but are a bit wider (4 to 4.5").

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    2. Thanks for sharing Dan...and you are right, an implement that thuds instead of cracks is not good.
      I do love the way Anne looks at her phone or laptop when she is ordering a spanking...so matter of fact to her.
      Leaving you nursing a sore behind when the gets got home was likely satisfying to her also.

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  5. The New Year always brings some traditional resolutions....lose weight, read more, become generally a better person, etc. As far as our FLR is concerned, we review our list of infractions to tweak, add or delete items. Also adjust the prescribed punishment for each if necessary. She does not like to punish, so maintenance spankings become more frequent or more harsh, especially at the beginning of the year. Near the end of 2019, I received a very harsh punishment with a promise to double it the next time I committed that offense. More recently, she blew up at the amount of time I spend on line. I cut time to an hour a day at the most and drafted a spanking discipline for going over my allotted time. I'm sure both of these items will be discussed during our review. Another item that may be introduced to punishments this year is anal play. The extended wearing of a butt plug or being pegged more often will be on the agenda when we review our FLR
    Meanwhile, wishing everyone a very happy and healthy New Year.

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    1. Cutting back on my on-line time has been on my resolution list several times, and I've never made one iota of sustained progress on it.

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    2. Dan, good luck with the self limiting...did not work well for me either. Although not implemented yet, my new progressive discipline spankings for computer overtime may be just the ticket.

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  6. Dan,
    Lola and I are not much on resolutions. We have very much enjoyed your blog over the past 2 years and have learned many things from you and the participants on this blog. The question we have for you is why do you think everyone in this community is so afraid to meet other like minded couples for fear of being outed. It seems to me that almost all of us would love to have friendships with other like minded couples and could all benefit greatly from these friendships. Almost every fetish or group I can think of has some type of group get togethers regularly in numerous cities across the U.S. In public hotels, bars, or other establishments with no concern of these fears. Lola and I went to a Spanking Convention last year to see what it was like and to purchase implements. It was in a normal hotel and everyone there just seemed like anyone you would meet out on the street. Everyone was very nice and seemed to care less who we really were. It was a very interesting experience for us and opened our eyes toward exploring more things. Do you think we are all just too consumed with ourselves and our careers to not realize that most other people don't really care who we are. Don't you think we are all limiting the things we can learn and enjoy by being so private. I replied on a blog last year about how some of us could get together as a group and you said you would think on it. Do you have any ideas or hopes to make this happen? You and Anne seem like a very intelligent and interesting couple as well as many others on here but it would be nice to actually be able to meet people and develop friendships.
    Drew and Lola

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    1. Hi Drew and Lola. This one has been on my mind a lot lately. I can tell you that historically, I've been worried about confidentiality for two or three specific reasons. First, I have considered career options that would include a security clearance, and I'm in a pretty conservative position. I've also considered running for public office. I do think that if it became known that I was into something outside the norm like DD, it really could have blowback in those areas. But, here I am close to retirement age, and yet I'm still queasy about being more open. Earlier this year, I reported on an on-line blackmail attempt that was enlightening. The whole thing turned out to be a very generic scam, but the basic premise was that someone had hacked my computer, taken racy files off of it, and had my contact list. I went into a total panic for the 30 minutes that it took me to do some on-line research and determine it was just a bunch of BS. But, it was enlightening on one level, because during that panic I found that what I was really concerned about with the prospect of being outed on some of the stuff on my computer really didn't have much to do with career. It was more about family. I was mortified at the thought of close family and friends knowing about DD. Yet, when I really think about it, my family loves me, and while I don't think there is a chance in hell my dad could ever understand, I also suspect he'd just set it aside and choose not to think about it. So, I recognize my fears about openness are a little irrational and overblown.

      You ask, "Do you think we are all just too consumed with ourselves and our careers to not realize that most other people don't really care who we are?" There is a great quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt to the effect that, "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." Wise words.

      I do have a goal to be more open about this in 2020, but I also need to take my wife's wishes into account. So far, this is only one person who knows both of us and knows about our DD activities. That person is not into DD. There is one person (a female FLR blogger) who I have met in person, and who I know would love to meet my wife. I think the first step may be to try to convince her to meet that person, and go from there.

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    2. Part of it is we don’t want to be perceived different unless that difference is status enhancing (richer, smarter, better looking etc.) and we avoid being seen out of the mainstream. One problem with that, as a lot of research has shown: we often mistake what real prevailing opinion or values might be. Sometimes we cat as if we are in the minority when we are actually a majority of plurality. Today among literate groups there is less and less judgement about sexual practices or lifestyle choices. For all we know a large plurality of men are subject to their wife’s discipline particular if we enlarge discipline beyond ONLY spanking. We just don’t know and when it’s practical we should reach out to others. As for sexual peccadillos (if we can think of spanking that way) a lot of politicians and corporate leaders are kinky as hell, very possibly proportionately more than the population as a whole.
      Alan

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    3. I agree that we really don't know how prevalent spanking and discipline is, but I still don't see any real evidence that it is even very common, let alone anywhere close to a majority. Particularly the F/m variety. If it were, I think there would be some indication of it in some credible study, or even in something more anecdotal like Amazon book ratings or the volume of DD blogs. I do think there is some significant volume of women who are into receiving erotic and possibly disciplinary spankings, as there is at least anecdotal evidence in the form of Amazon ratings and the success of escapist fantasy with M/f themes, including 50 Shades. And, I do think erotic spanking has gotten *a lot* more open over the last few years. But, I just don't see any indication at all that F/m disciplinary spankings or even FLR relationships are "a thing" to any significant degree. And, as I've said, I'm fine with that.

      I agree that politicians and corporate leaders seem to get caught in peccadilloes pretty frequently, but I also wonder whether we over-estimate the prevalence precisely because when it happens it is so high profile. Kind of like how people reliably over-estimate the odds of dying in a plane crash or terrorist attack. But, when those incidents do happen, it kind of makes my point about why there *is* some risk to some people in some professions if/when their kinks are publicized. Very few survive it, at least initially. Look at Katie Hill, the congresswoman who resigned just a few months ago when bisexual sex tapes were made public. I used to think it was the hypocrisy that drove most of them out of office, like Eliot Spitzer who prosecuted people for sex crimes then got caught visiting prostitutes. Or, "family values" politicians like Mark Sanford getting caught in affairs. But, I think Congresswoman Hill's experience shows that sex and sexuality is still a very hot button thing even when the hypocrisy element isn't really there.

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    4. This is one I always chime in on.

      Aunt Kay and I met many DWC people over the years and they literally came from all over the world as well as the U.S. Believe me, I would have been just as horrified as anyone else if our "secret" was exposed. It never happened. We also went to quite a few spanking related parties. Point being, I believe the "outing issue", while like being hit by a falling meteor, is within the realm of possibility, it's not likely. And the enjoyment, the FREEDOM, or being with others like ourselves is ....well, I hope you find out.

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    5. I am kind of undecided about having any one else know. On the one hand, I can only imagine how embarrassing it would be knowing that someone knows that I am punished for misbehavior. And somehow, that is an exciting thought. On the other hand, I wouldn't want it to change any relationship overall. Of course, as I always say with regard to this topic, for us I view it is very hypothetical, since I really can't see her sharing with anyone. It is certainly possibly, and I know that she has people that she could share it with, but I doubt that she ever would.

      -ZM

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    6. Tomy, I generally agree, but I do think there are certain professions (politics being one, but not the only one) where being openly out, or being outed, could be weaponized in a way that makes it rational to decide it's just not worth the exposure. But, I also agree with you that most of us probably over-estimate the chance of being outed or that it would matter much if we were.

      ZM: I get the relationship between embarrassment and excitement where others' knowledge is concerned. As I've said, there are only two people in my "real life" who know both who I am and pretty much the full extent of my DD and blogging activities. While I seldom talk about DD or FLR with either of them, there definitely is a not unpleasant emotional edginess to knowing that they know.

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    7. This does depend on your appetite for “risk’ If you are “risk neutral” Tomy is undoubtedly right that many of us exaggerate the risk that being outed will happen or matter much if it did. But some situations are “risk averse” where almost any risk is too much (as in Dan’s example). In other words whether we exaggerate the risk or measure it accurately depends on particulars to that person or couple. For most of us being outed in the sense that it became known that we were spanked by our wives probably wouldn’t matter much besides generating some cheap gossip. However if that information included that the spankings were disciplinary that could matter and that is the world we live in today.
      Alan

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    8. If you go to an event (which I would highly recommend), you have to remember that all the other people there are likely to be as concerned about being outed as you are. So really very little chance of it happening.

      The general rule for such events is to keep the secret and if you run into the person in normal life to act like you never have met. I remember seeing someone at an event that I thought I had met in my work activities. Turns out it was someone that I had met and would later need to work with. I tried once or twice to talk to this person about our chance meeting because I wanted to apologize for staring while I was racking my brain trying to place where I had met this person but we never did talk. When we worked together later, it was as if our chance meeting never happened. I think in the unlikely event that any of you go to an event and see someone that you know in your general life, my experience would be the typical outcome.

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    9. Prudence is always wise. And you would be astonished to know some of the professions of the people who came.

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    10. Hi Tomy and Happy New Years. Your comment raises a question that seems to be threaded among much of our discussions. Particularly: "you would be astonished to know some of the professions of the people who came" Do you consider that a reflection of the wide variety of people interested in DD - or does it point to a particular "type" interested in DD - or none of the above?
      Alan

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    11. My mother-in-law now knows that her daughter spanks me, and also that I know that she and her husband spanked each other while he was alive. This is all through my wife, and my mother-in-law and I have never discussed it. Yet I don't think I am imagining the occasional knowing looks or the new rapport we seem to have. I won't initiate a conversation about it, but my wife might and that could be interesting.
      Arthur

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    12. Alan and Tomy, I don't disagree with either of you, though I might parse it differently. First, to Tomy's point, many of us probably do over-estimate the practical risk of being outed. Second, to Alan's point, some people are simply more averse to risk than others, so even if the risk is low, some aren't willing to to take even a small risk. Third, some people may be in a profession or life situation where the risk, even if small, could have devastating consequences. For that last group, it's not that they are wrong in their risk assessment of the risk but, rather, just making a pragmatic calculation of the reward-risk ratio.

      Also, to Tomy's point, I don't doubt that the risk from others in the lifestyle may be low. My bigger concern is if you lay down a rabbit trail that makes it easier for others outside the lifestyle to find out independently. For example, some private and government positions require a security clearance. I have no idea whether someone conducting a high level clearance screening would have a problem with consensual spanking, but they could see it as leaving the applicant open to blackmail, which is a big no-no on security clearances. Now, ironically, the way to solve that issue would be to just be totally open to everyone, thereby making yourself immune to blackmail.

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    13. Alan.. I would have to go with "wide variety."

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    14. In one of my previous comments I believe I highlighted "freedom" as one of the benefits of spending time with others who are into our lifestyle. I cannot over-emphasize the experience of liberation that, for me at least, came with it. Of course it takes a little while to get to know others even once you meet another DWCer. But in my experience, people tend to put greater effort into trying to create a relationship. So when we met people with different backgrounds it wasn't a show stopper in any way. Personally I loved getting to really know a wider variety of people.

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    15. If you are a "spanko"( and that includes both sides of the paddle),it is an innate part of your sexuality,hence an innate part of you. We are all social animals and most of us want to share with others and relate to them if possible. Re spanking: some repress that social impulse while others seek to express it. Neither is probably wrong but the Tomy's of the world are probably the future. Every "minority" has has a "coming out" before widespread acceptance happens. Gays and the entire LGBTQ community illustrates this .Until they as a community demanded acceptance by coming out to friends family etc, they were hidden and isolated.Think of the change there and how fast it occurred
      Alan

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    16. I think the slightly more negative spin on the "social animal" observation, and the reason why I'm not personally into DD gaining widespread acceptance, is the dark side of the desire to be social is the desire, and pressure, to conform. I'm personally very fine knowing that there are DD couples out there, without having any hope or desire that there is some larger number of them because then it just ends up with bland conformity.

      In some ways, I think Aunt Kay actually put it best the one time she reached out to me after Tomy referred her to my blog. She said:

      "When we did things together with other DWC couples; like going to dinners, events, visiting for weekends, there was such a sense of liberation. Just hanging out, being able to talk about lifestyle stuff was amazing. It was like we knew we were special, we shared a kinky little secret when we were out among the rest of the world."

      That's really what I'm looking for -- a community that knows each other well enough to have conversations and interact on DD lifestyle issues, but not so large that it becomes so near-normal that it loses that sense of being a "kinky little secret."

      I also, btw, love this other part of her comment:


      "We made friends with other couples and that was a whole other unexpected outcome. I never imagined disciplining anyone but my own husband. But it became easy for me after a while. I learned that some men need a lot more intensity than my Hubby and I had some really fun times delivering longer and harder sessions that he could ever endure. I still recall smiling to myself as I watched Jerry head off with another DWC wife to get a spanking."

      You can find the entirety of her comment here at post #179: https://disciplinedhubbies.blogspot.com/2016/10/the-forum-vol-179-unexpected-honor.html

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    17. I certainly would have been open to meeting Kay and Tomy, who were obviously pioneers. I might have even been Ok with punishing each other's husbands after establishing comfort level and trust.

      We might meet other DD couples as well at some point. I don't believe in the stigma of it so the idea doesn't frighten me so. I do think Art would be quite embarrassed, so he would have to agree.

      However, I would not meet with erotic spankers. The sex part seems more private to me.

      Was it you, Dan, who published a DD picture with a woman saying something like, "Why would I be embarrassed? I'm not the one being spanked."
      Liz

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    18. Hi Liz. If so, I don't remember that one. Though, the sentiment is pretty hard to argue with.

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  7. Hi,
    Bit of a newbie “lurker” but inspired by your question to post.
    I am not in a FL / DD relationship, in fact my wife is relatively vanilla. I am ex-military and have got just about all of my kink desires out of my system via the opportunities being deployed has presented me. My issue is now I feel regret and a desire to be punished by my wife for my transgressions. We have been married for 31 years and as I say she is vanilla. Spanking has been my kink since I was pre-puberty so broaching the subject of requesting a punishment has been tricky. after several conversations where I skirted round the subject, I eventually sent her a WhatsApp message saying what I really feel I need her to do to help me overcome my feelings.
    In a nutshell I have asked for a hand spanking followed by 14 strokes with a slipper and 14 with a belt. (This equals 28 - the same number of years we were married when I was in the Navy). She has agreed to this and says it will happen in January.
    My question is: Whilst I do want this to happen, I know I am not a pain freak,nor will I “Get Off” on this. Do you have any tips on how to cope whilst undergoing punishment?
    Great Blog, glad I have found it.

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    1. Thanks for joining. I don't have a lot to offer on that one. I think that first disciplinary spanking seldom meets your expectations, whatever those may be. Honestly, I doubt that the hand spanking and slippering portions will bring about much contrition, though the belt might. I wouldn't worry about coping with it, and instead just focus on the experience, and don't build in expectations that might be hard to meet.

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    2. Thanks for the response. As far as expectations go - I am not sure what to really expect. I know I wish to submit to her in more a way than a play spanking, but by the same token I am apprehensive of the pain. When (and if) it does happen I will report back with my experiences and how we are going to continue in the future.
      Best regards for 2020

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    3. I hope that your request leads to a new phase of your life where you and your wife can be more open and intimate together. A better, more full and closer relationship may await. Good luck!!

      Having said that Dan is correct to say that the first spanking may no be anything like you expect even if you have some experience with professionals who know how to spank.

      I remember the first time with my wife. She did exactly what I asked and it was not what I was expecting at all. We did not say a word about it for about six weeks. I think it took both of us that long to digest the experience. But after that we did talk and gradually developed a very loving disciplinary relationship.

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    4. Arthur, it's great that you have that new rapport with your MIL. I can't imagine having an explicit conversation about it with any family member. But, the knowing looks and new rapport sound great.

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    5. So it happened on New Years Day.
      As I mentioned I had no idea regarding expectations. As you alluded to Dan, the figures and implements I requested were conservative and after receiving my requested session I felt a little “was that it??”
      I have visited professionals before who have disciplined me longer and harder, but certainly no where near what is described on here as a punishment spanking (ie taking you past the point of wanting it). To be honest I don’t know if I am brave enough to take such a session and my wife is certainly not ready to deliver such a punishment. So where are we?
      She is happy that she has indulged me. I am happy that she did it, even though I feel I could have, and should have, taken more. Whilst I do not think we will end up in a full DD relationship, with careful handling I am confident that I will be able to get her to, infrequently, repeat the session and with careful coaching get her to increase the severity. Visiting a professional is no longer an option for me as I no longer wish to go behind my wife’s back on these matters. So whilst I will not be in a full physical DD relationship I am in a far better place with regards to my desire to submit to my wife. She has also noted the positive change which has made her a lot happier. So an already happy marriage has gotten even better.
      Will it be ok if I still hang around, reading and occasionally commenting on here?

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    6. An already happy marriage getting better sounds like a fine start.

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  8. Hi Dan,
    I can relate to the list of resolutions from years ago. I still have a list from back in 2004, and if I were to write a list today, it would be WAY too close to identical for comfort.I am sure I have improved in quite a few areas, but also the bar is now set higher; I really NEED to execute better now as I am not quite so young.

    I am sitting here at a large airport getting ready to cross back over to Europe. Interestingly, I am at the same table as last time I was through here, when I was also commenting on the blog. I am a creature of habit, which is probably why I don't change easily! :-)

    I am not big on "resolutions," since that is too tied to New Years. Rather I am into life goals, which spring out of necessity (rather than a new calendar year) and hopefully last more than a few weeks. But I do think that it is a good idea to look back and reflect sometimes, and the new year does make a good "mile marker" for that.

    Now, as for what I would like to work on, it would have to be my eating and exercise habits and general self-care for my body, since I have ended up quite out of shape. I have had some success losing weight before doing keto, but life is full of special occasions, so usually I try and get going pretty well, but then have a string of occasions that "force" me to take a few days off, and next thing you know it is a months long binge streak. I am really quite concerned now about my physical condition and it is time to take this very seriously and do anything and everything possible to restore my body to the healthiest state possible.

    But as I am sitting here thinking about this, I realize just how difficult and confusing DD can be. My wife is much more self-disciplined than me, and probably would really keep me on the straight and narrow if I asked her to, especially since my bad habits make it hard for her to not gain weight. She she has the willpower to resist temptation, and the will to force me to toe the line.

    She has also proven herself a more than capable disciplinarian. She has gotten VERY good at everything. Perhaps the only thing she still struggles with at all is not really liking to see the damage she causes to my bottom (though she is always sad later when the marks are gone right away), and occasionally she struggles with not wanting to be seen as a bitch.

    So I have a very capable disciplinarian who loves me beyond measure, and is willing and able to ensure that I make the necessary changes. The problem is more with me...

    Even though I want and am committed to this lifestyle more than I can express with words or even begin to understand, and even though this is the time to take my health very seriously while I still have the ability to change the curve, I fear that if I ask her to monitor my eating and exercise habits, I won't appreciate the input, since it is my body and I really like food. Also, I am always busy, so taking time to go to the gym is very difficult. So all at once I want her to impose her will, but I don't like it when she does. This is pretty much exactly the same as I feel about "service" types of things as I think about it. In concept, I want to be expected to do things and be subject to her discipline for failing, but then I kind of resent it (not really resent, but for lack of a better word) when she does force the issue.

    Another thing which I have realized is that because I feel bad about my lack of self control and my consequently fat body, I bristle at the thought of her helping me to lose weight, and then me feeling like I couldn't do it on my own. Silly, I know. I think this is the case with many things that I want to change about myself, but also take kind of personally. I want and need her discipline, but then I hate the fact that I am not able to just be disciplined on my own. And I thought women were complex...! ;)

    Anyway, Happy New Year, everyone. May this be a good year for all of us, with movement mostly forward, and may we start to see our hopes and dreams come true!

    -ZM

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    1. Finally, an area where you and I are not in synch. I too have struggled with trying to stay healthy this year, but on that front my wife is part of the problem, and my eating habits are quite a better than hers especially when it comes to carbs, grains, refined/processed foods.

      It's really depressing how hard losing fat is at this age. Just a few years ago, I could cut out sugar and anything that comes out of a box, and I would instantly strip off several pounds. These days, I have to go to extremes to lose even two or three pounds. I did try keto for awhile, but it was just way too confining. As you said, there are just way too many special occasions. I also felt constantly hungry, and I got very sensitive to alcohol, such that I'd get extremely loopy after a couple of drinks. I have had better luck with one of the easier forms of intermittent fasting. I've been experimenting with the one where you confine your eating to an 8 hour block and don't anything outside that window. So, if I finish dinner around 7:30 or 8:00, I don't eat anything until after noon the next day. It is actually working fairly well, despite the fact that I've cheated a few times and pretty much gave up around Christmas, as we had too many brunches. The first half of the year, I was really bad where exercise was concerned, thanks to all the travel. I finally settled into a routine over the last three months, but I had to pull back for awhile because of an injury. Seems like it's always one thing or another.

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    2. Hi Dan,
      Totally agree about how depressing the whole weight loss thing is as we get older! In the old days, all I had to do was not drink Coke or Pepsi, and I just shrank! Also, as you pointed out, even exercising and going to the gym isn't as easy, since working out too hard often causes injuries, resulting in an overall setback.

      I was surprised at my epiphany while sitting at the airport that I struggle with the idea of losing weight only with the threat of imposed discipline. That somehow I will be embarrassed that I was only able to lose weight when there were immediate consequences for not losing. I don't think I feel that way about behaviors as much, where she might punish me for something I do or for bad attitudes. But I think it is because I am so disappointed in myself about my physical condition, so the thought that I so lack self control that I need someone else to enforce weight loss is kind of embarrassing.

      -ZM

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    3. I totally get that, and I experience the same thing from time to time. I think one reason I don't like self-reporting on work activities, even though I know I should, is because they often do involve some lapse in leadership or personal interactions that I find so far beneath my own standards that I just don't want to own up to it by reporting to her. Ironically, the worse I feel about my behavior, and the more disturbed I am about some failings, the less likely I am to both report them and/or ask her to take me to task for them.

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  9. Interesting post and comments. I was a Reagan Republican but am definitely not a Trump Republican. Talk about someone who needs to be paddled for arrogance.

    I think more Republicans than Democrats spank their kids, and that may also mean more husbands spanking wives. But wives spanking husbands is much less traditional and may be a reflection of women's lib, which is more Democrat. That's my guess, anyway.

    Liz and I read Dan's post and the comments together, and it triggered a discussion of our DD. I asked how successful she felt it had been since we started (not just 2019) and she said 90% at home and 50% at work, which she thought was good. I agreed with the percentages but not the conclusion regarding work and gave an example:

    "If one of our kids was swearing in front of you every day and you spanked them and then they swore in front of you every other day (50% effective), would you consider that success?"

    She said that was a point well-taken and my work pattern is obvious: Monday morning's reminder paddling does not last throughout the week. By Wednesday or Thursday my arrogance toward co-workers is back.

    So we agreed to adding a Thursday morning paddling, and if that is not effective to make it Monday-Wednesday-Friday!

    Thanks a lot, Dan!
    Arthur

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    1. Hi Arthur,
      I would say that the example given of reducing swearing everyday to 50% of the days would still be a limited success. While it may not have stopped the problem, it did reduce it, and perhaps more importantly kept it from escalating further. I mean, had your hypothetical kid not been spanked for swearing, maybe they would now be swearing two or three times a day. One thing we have seen with Trump is that if left unchecked, lying becomes easier.

      Anyway, while I see where you were going with this, I also don't see any problem with considering DD a success even in cases where it doesn't entirely eliminate a behavior. Sometimes, just keeping things in check and keeping problems from escalating is a pretty big success!

      -ZM

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    2. "I also don't see any problem with considering DD a success even in cases where it doesn't entirely eliminate a behavior." I strongly agree with this and think its an important part of any answer to skeptics who argue that repeated spanking means spanking isn't working to change behavior. I can think of other examples with my own behavior more serious than swearing where problem areas have been greatly reduced but not eliminated.Spanking is not a magic bullet but rather a tool to manage and alter behavior --big differences
      Alan

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    3. We also agree with the benefit of partial effectiveness. I wouldn't be paddled every Monday morning for the same thing if we didn't.

      But for us, 50% improvement is not enough. Maybe it could be for some things, but not for expressing arrogance. If I can improve 90% at home, then I can do better than 50% at work. And since there is a clear pattern of Monday's paddling working for a couple of days but not the entire week, the Thursday addition (suggested by Liz and accepted by me) makes a lot of sense to us.
      Happy New Year!
      Arthur

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  10. I'd also like to be more 'open' this year. Two of my wife's friends know at least a little about our discipline, from her - I'd like to be able to talk about it directly with them.
    There's also a couple we are very good friends with, who might benefit from FLR/DD, if they haven't found it already. I'd like to mention it to them, but I'm concerned that'd either make things 'weird' between us, or else send my friend down the rabbit-hole and freak out his wife.
    He sometimes makes comments along the line of, 'I might get lucky tonight.' Should I reply, 'I might get spanked tonight'?
    CrimsonKing

    PS - As for 2019 - happy to see it go. May everyone's troubles be few and spankings be frequent in 2020!

    Question for Dan: Hi Dan! I'm sure you realize you've played a role in creating hundreds of FMDD relationships. First, thanks! Second, how does that make you feel?

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    1. That's a tough one. I had a friend at a previous job who I felt desperately needed to be reined in. I was tempted to tell him about our DD relationship, but I felt like he was so closed off on some things and so in denial about his own bad behavior that it wouldn't have gone well. So, I never brought it up.

      I honestly don't know whether I've played any role in creating any DD relationships with the possible exception of "Belle" from a few weeks ago. It seems like virtually all our commenters are already in DD relationships once they found the website. I've actually never known whether anyone out there has had an experience with this blog similar to what I had with the Disciplinary Wives Club, where I had no idea DD even existed, found the site, and then got my wife to try it. But, look, I don't pretend to be a neutral or objective commenter on domestic discipline, and that's why I've gotten into tiffs with certain commenters who want to have discussions about all the negatives they see with it or who feel compelled to diss other's enthusiasm. I am an advocate for the lifestyle, pure and simple. While I definitely do not think it is going to work for or be attractive to everyone, I believe that it can help some men who are wired a certain way and can help some relationships. So, I do see the blog as a resource for people who are actively interested in trying DD. If it has helped create any actual DD relationship, I'm pretty happy about that.

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    2. I know for sure my letter to my wife asking for DD quoted your "Tips and Methods" (and Aunt Kay and Married Woman's Guide), so you can stamp at least one more red bottom on the side of your truck!
      CrimsonKing

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    3. I believe your blog has functioned very much like the original DWC,raising awareness of F/M DD lifestyles, providing some important "nuts and bolts information for both those interested and those involved in a DD and gone some distance to normalizing consensual adult spanking with a disciplinary orientation. While the DWC provided much instructional material, your blog has advanced that by offering a free ranging dialog exploring many areas of the lifestyle previously Terra Incognito on the web.Finally I believe your blog is drawing many female voices into the discussion, a valuable contribution and one much needed.
      Alan

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    4. In light of our discussion above, I'm not sure I want to "normalize" DD spankings. I'm pretty comfortable with them being abnormal. :-) But, I hope the rest of it is even somewhat true.

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    5. Hi Dan,
      Our DD relationship did not happen because we stumbled upon your blog, since my thoughts about this and desires for it began forty years earlier or so.

      However, just because the blog wasn't the first cause of the DD, it doesn't mean that it hasn't been a tremendous inspiration and resource, particularly since I did stumble upon it at almost the same time that my wife and I were beginning DD.

      First and foremost, it helped me to define (and express to her) much more exactly just what it is I was wanting and needing. Even though I had been thinking about it for many years, and wanting it so very badly, I really didn't know exactly what I wanted! Reading the blog and dialogue with others here has greatly helped to clarify my thoughts and to understand my desires and needs.


      Also, just like CrimsonKing, I showed her the "tips and methods" section even before the first time she punished me, and my poor bottom has suffered from the sage advice offered. I think that most of us here would agree that it is a struggle, especially in the beginning, for wives to deliver a proper disciplinary spanking, and most every wife has been afraid of punishing too hard or too much. The tips and methods really help with that. As a side note, for anyone who hasn't read it, "Strict Julie Spanks" has a posting called "beating your man properly" that is very good.

      For both of us, I think it helped to know that there were others out there like me. While our shared interest might be unusual, it is also not unheard of. There is a certain comfort knowing that other people have like feelings. And this is not only with regard to my desires and feelings, since I think she kind of gets off on the exercise of power, and she too is comforted knowing that other wives in the same position often feel the same.

      And perhaps most importantly, the blog has been a continual inspiration for ongoing conversation over these past years. While I may think about DD all the time, talking about it openly is not always all that easy. While she has never (at least as far as I know) came to the blog and read it on her own, or for that matter even knows how to find it, pretty much every week she asks "so what's going on in the blog?" and we always talk about it.

      So for us, the blog is VERY much like the Disciplinary Wives Club would likely have been for us, had we been together and exploring this ten years ago.

      And Dan, you do an excellent job at keeping things alive and moving in the right direction. As I have gotten busy several times, I have seen how my writing here has dropped off, so bravo to you for always staying on top of it!

      -ZM

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    6. Good point that the wives hopefully get some assurance that getting off on being in charge and exercising power is perfectly acceptable in a consensual power exchange relationship. I've always said that getting a sense of "payback" also has to be a huge benefit for many DD wives.

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    7. Also, it is very flattering to know that your wife does visit and is interested week to week.

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  11. Question for Dan: What exactly would a two day Boot Camp entail.
    Thanks
    Frank

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    1. Hard to say. I'd have to make it up as I go along. I found some materials on DD Bootcamps on the internet, but they were heavily Christian DD oriented. They also were geared to people who were very new to DD, so they emphasized things like giving multiple hard spankings a day so the giver would get comfortable with giving them. The part that did seem worthwhile was having structured written assignments that required the parties to exchange thoughts, desires, etc. regarding what they want, what they don't, past disciplinary experiences, etc.

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    2. Hi Dan and Frank,
      We too wanted to do a several day "boot camp" last year, and even kind of had a military theme in things for a while; if she appeared in her camo t-shirt, then I would know that as soon as we were able, I would have to report for a spanking.

      Unfortunately, the two-day boot camp never materialized, for lack of opportunity. I think for us, the primary benefit would be the communication which would result from it, as well as that by keeping focus on DD for several days, it would make it much easier and more natural for her to exert power afterwards. The one downside of it is that the two days would inevitably be chock full of "services," like chores, cleaning, etc. So I am sure I would be ready for it to quickly end!

      -ZM

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    3. That was my thought two -- that having two solid days of her kind of "role playing" the 24/7 leader and Domme would make it easier to take on that role when required day-to-day.

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  12. I wonder how many husband have been or will be given a New-Years-Day spanking. It is a great way to celebrate the New Year. My wife has just paddled me, shortly after midnight, and I am sitting on a sore bottom as I type this. I anticipate another paddling later this week. Doug.

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  13. DAN!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

    I've been a bit MIA from the blog for a little while now primarily for 2 reasons. First, had a significant change in work situation (in a good way fortunately) that has had me traveling 4-5 days a week nationally for the past 4 months so been crazy busy. But, unfortunately the second reason was my wife sort of abruptly pulled back pretty hard from all "this" a couple months ago. I've been used to her ebb and flow w/ her openness to it but this really set me back emotionally and I sort of threw my hands up. So while that's not what happens w you....it is helpful to hear that it's not always consistent progress on this front for everyone w their spouse in this regard. Now w/ that said....an interesting development has occurred which also coincidently ties in to some of the conversation here. I've always been a pretty fit guy but the past 3 1/2 years have been consistent and over the top stress and i ended up putting on close to 35 POUNDS in that relatively short period. My wife has never commented on my weight much but in the past several weeks she keeps commenting on it. Things like it's time "this" came off, as she rubs my belly. And while i was dealing w the stress in that very unhealthy way...she conversely has become incredibly fit. And a pretty cool dynamic I've recognized w this new degree of fitness is her attitude has changed a bit becoming more forceful and confident in ways. It's going to be interesting to see if the 2 dynamics of her now being invested in my weight and her new attitude combine and get things reintroduced for us. Time will tell.

    I've done a 180 on the privacy front. A while back I practically wouldn't share what state I was in because no doubt w/ that degree of information whomever I disclosed that to would clearly be able to identify my immediately out of the 12 million people....and then they'd spread my identity to the world...lol. Now I've come to realize this is a real community so I feel very comfortable sharing. I'd actually love to know a few people who actually live this. It would make it all more "real" and also not feel so isolated. I'd never share this part of me w/ someone I didnt know for certain was also involved or shared the spanking/DD/FLR interest....but I now have complete comfort knowing those who do...in fact I'd welcome it.

    Here's to a great '20 to us all!!!!

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    1. Hi Darren. Happy New Year. Sorry to hear about your wife pulling back on the DD front, but glad to hear about her newfound fitness and new assertiveness.

      The work travel is a killer. My weight drifted up throughout most of 2019, and it was incredibly frustrating. I was almost resigned to leaving 2019 almost 10 lbs. heavier than I started,and that despite trying keto, and I did work out pretty steady after stalling the first two or three months of the year because of the travel. Somehow, here on the other side of the holidays, I've taken almost all of it off, to the point that I need to lose only about one more pound by mid-January to be below where all this chaotic travel started last year. While I wish I had managed to lose weight over the last year, the plain fact is it was an incredibly screwed up year, and the fact that I've gotten back to where I started and am on a good trajectory if I don't screw it up actually feel pretty good. And, the situation may be a little better than the scale shows, because based on the fit of my clothes, my pants are a bit looser, and the arms and chest of my suits and sports coats are tighter. So, it was a bitch of a year, but I rallied at the end. Good luck getting on track.

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  14. Just wanted to say thanks for the blog! I thought I'd share my story and ask a question.

    I've been obsessed with spanking since childhood, fantasies alternating between being spanked and spanking. I'm now in my mid 30s and happily married with children. I would describe myself as not particularly dominant nor submissive but I am intensely interested in any kind of spanking and in being subject to pain to cure me of bad habits.

    My only experience being spanked by my wife is a week where she reluctantly agreed to try it if I came up with all the rules and told her exactly when they had been broken so she didn't have to think about it. She was embarrassed that I bought a faux wood hairbrush from Target for it but agreed to use it and spanked me maybe six times with it (about 30-60 swats with no warmup, bare, no talking beforehand, barely wanting to look at me undressing.) It still ended up being too stressful for her and she hated the idea of me humiliating myself, so we had an argument about it and then stopped. I think she also correctly suspected that I was motivated by my spanking fetish to receive punishment spankings. This was all few years ago. A few months ago she said she had resolved it as me liking to try weird experiments and didn't feel weird about it happening anymore.

    At the same time, I spank her erotically and once she sent me a link to Taken in Hand which, knowing her, I took to mean that she wanted me to step up the intensity, spontaneity and maintain a constant erotic "threat" in our marriage. And I would also love to do this, even though it's incompatible with my other desire.

    Seeing a professional feels like a major breach of trust, let alone finding a spanking partner outside marriage, though we've never discussed either. I also agree with the many comments on here that infrequent punishments don't work even if they're severe.

    I guess my AMA question is what kind of mess this sounds like to others and whether anyone can recommend a path based on their experience. I'd also like to stick around, even though I'm not being spanked and might end up doing the spanking, as I try more seriously to resolve this in 2020, if that's okay.

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    1. It's a hard one for me to address with any kind of informed opinion, as my wife has never expressed any desire to be on the receiving end of this kind of relationship. It's odd to me that your wife saw your expression of wanting to be disciplined as just an experiment in kink, but forwarding you something from Taken in Hand would seem to indicate she has those same kinky inclinations herself. Our one-sided DD relationship has always worked perfectly for me, because I don't have the slightest desire to spank her, and she has no desire to be spanked or dominated. And, frankly, if she did want me to do that it could present a pretty big problem. But, it sounds like in your case you do have at least some desire to be the spanker? It sounds to me like you both need to do something radical and virtually unheard of in most marriages -- talk it out. :-) Seriously, it sounds like you are flexible enough in your leanings that you can satisfy her desire, and she's told you that she no longer feels weird about things. So, it sounds like there is a fine opportunity to work out an arrangement that serves both your needs.

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    2. Have hope and fulfill your wife's desires. I spank my wife erotically. She spanks me for discipline. Her parents spanked each other for discipline. So it can work. Start by building trust by giving her what she wants. By your description you will probably enjoy that. And eventually she may turn the tables on you.
      Arthur

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    3. MW-
      As you can see from my post above yours I can relate to wife's hesitance. BUT....what a gift your wife sent you the TIH link!!!!! I hope you took the time to truly read and digest it. Of all the sites, pics etc she decided to send you, my bet is she's trying to tell you she wants more than just the erotic aspect. You can understand how she likely feels/wants given your own needs. While she may not be able to give you what you need on the receiving end... you certainly can give her what (we're assuming she's saying) she needs. I'd think long and hard about that. Perhaps do for her what you would love for her to do to you. Who knows...perhaps something like when you know you're alone call her to you in front of the computer w the link up and your hairbrush prominently sitting on the desk.....and tell you you want to discuss what exactly she was trying to tell you she needs. Worst case your relationship will amp up and you can have an active DD/spank relationship albeit on the giving end...best case , over time she'll learn from your example, and her sore bottom, what DD should look like. Then who knows where that can ultimately take you. Just a thought. Man...would love to hear how that goes!

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    4. Thanks, everyone (including Fishmiester below this thread.)

      Dan, you're totally right that this is communications failure. Our one conversation a few months ago only got somewhere because she thought she was putting it behind us and I didn't challenge it. There's something delicate and perception-is-reality about her and spanking that impedes her, and of course I'm just afraid of ruining my chance to get what I want. And yes, it's unfair that she gives her own desires a pass (but it's not odd; the difference is spanking is a means to and end for her but it's kind of the point for me.) Still, there has to be a time where we can talk neutrally.

      I mean, if the ex-husband of the commenter Belle from a couple months ago could turn in a very awkward request with zero leverage and end up receiving DWC best practices across an armrest from a freaking BATH BRUSH, surely I can get somewhere!? :D

      Arthur, that sounds a great arrangement. I'm okay with that kind of compartmentalization. You are blessed! And Darren, you're right that receiving the TiH link is a huge gift, and probably a relatively rare insight to receive. I don't know if it means she wants to be punished but I should probably explore that limit. I kind of messed up because she actually sent that link in mid 2018, before TiH went offline, so I could only put up a blank white screen now!

      She said something interesting once about how she was afraid of serious spankings ruining the fun ones, so if I could show her that she can be spanked harder without changing the bedroom, maybe she'll see the reciprocal differently. I'd love her to discover her female power and formidability that others describe here, even if it takes several years. I would love if she one day told me I'd spanked her for the last time because it was going to be the other way around from now on.

      So we'll see. This will not be a quick process but I'll hopefully have an update eventually and keep reading and learning in the meantime.

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    5. Bummer about the TiH site. I didn't realize it was gone. It had some good content.

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    6. Me either (re: TIH). We all agree the best answer here is to COMMUNICATE. My last words of advice. Take some tie to prepare. There are plenty of books online about DD and the TIH premise. Impress the hell out of her and get one....READ IT...then be smart about picking your spot. maybe when alone w a glass of wine.....then explain to her that this isn't going away and it's been on your mind constantly. You never forgot her TIH reference and it was important to you that you understood what she was "saying" by floating that link out there to you......then let HER TALK. Look at it from her perspective.....is she thinking that she sent you a big huge message and you ignored it? You really were never even sure what she was saying to you. I think you showing the effort will make an impression and hopefully get at least a good conversation going. Just a thought.

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    7. There is a great site: "She makes the rules."
      https://shemakestherules.com/

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  15. Hi MW,
    You situation sounds very similar to mine in that you craved a punishment only to receive one that left you wanting more. My wife is not a spanko so her receiving is out of the question and she will only deliver reluctantly. I have no advice for you as I don’t feel qualified to do so. What I will say though is the position I have rationalised myself to be now. Wife receiving - out. Wife delivering - will happen, but it will be infrequently and I must not go on and on about it and pester her for more. Levels will increase but will need some careful coaching. Ideal? No, but a compromise, and after 31 years of marriage I have finally laid my desires and yearnings our in the open to her. Are we both in a happier place - yes. So I am going to continue down this path and see where we end up.
    Good luck with your journey, keep us updated on your progress.

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