The Club - Meeting 300 - Rules

“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week. 

For us, this last week or so has involved some reflection on aspects of this thing we do, in light of the disobedience incident from a couple of weeks ago, and the dinner with boozy friends last week.  Though, unfortunately, all this reflection has been solo, since we haven’t had much alone time. I was traveling for a big part of the week, and there were other distractions and visitors.  But, I can tell that she is in the same reflective place I am, because some of the assertions of control or dominance have moderated.  More on this below.

As for last week, great conversation folks.  Especially at the first of the week, there was so much great interaction going on.  Though, interestingly, I’m not sure a single person actually answered the topic question about whether DD and FLR have ever become “so much” and lead to any serious questioning of the pros and cons.  But, it was a good conversation anyway.  There was one comment in particular that I found really profound in light of my current mindset.  Danielle observed: 

“You also seem to think that the following behaviors are not issues for couples who aren’t in FLR’s:

- coming home late for supper

- having a third drink at happy hour

- receiving texts from your wife asking you not to stay out late

If you think those aren’t bones of contention in non-FLR marriages, I think you are fooling yourself. Sure, lots of guys will ignore their wives’ nagging about such behavior, but many will likely have bitter arguments with their wives about it, and in the worst case such disputes can lead to marital breakdown. The only difference between a FLR and a regular marriage is that a wife in a FLR has more leverage to curb behaviors she doesn’t like.”

That observation struck me as profound, in part because it is so simple. I had spent a week or two asking myself, “If this is how it is going to be, do I really want to do this whole FLR thing?”  But, Danielle hit the nail on the head: Disagreements similar to those we had over the last few weeks that left me feeling nagged and frustrated also happened before we even knew about DD and FLR.  If anything, those arguments were more intense and lasted longer.  Danielle was right to point out that while DD or FLR may not have eliminated bad behavior and nagging about bad behavior, neither are DD and FLR really to blame for the speedbump we seem to be hitting.

 But, the second part of Danielle’s comment also is something we need to think about as a couple: “Now, if a husband doesn’t want to be ruled by his wife, if it makes him feel “resentful”, FLR probably isn’t a good fit for the couple. Resentment isn’t healthy, and the day Wayne tells me that he feels more resentment than gratitude for the way I exercise my authority, I will be the first to suggest putting FLR on hold.” 

Is that where we are? I don’t think so.  The plain fact is, I am not resenting DD at all, and there are only a couple of things in this emerging FLR that are causing the resentment.  Though, admittedly, they are things that have been a source of contention for a very long time.  But, I still do like her becoming more powerful and assertive, and conceptually I know that having tighter boundaries is, in general, something I need.  So, there are a couple of ways this could go, and Alan alluded to them both:

“I think the kind of resistance you are feeling may be a sign that your FLR is working and you are reacting to restrictions on your freedom. Assuming you really want an FLR that is not a bad thing and will pass as you submit more and more to her orders. In both my relationships every time the screws were tightened on me I went through a temporary rebellion and that is natural. But I also come back to a precept I first encountered from the DWC and that was that in a consensual relationship both parties should agree beforehand that a behavior is forbidden and will be punished. Only if both agree will there be real behavior modification.”

 First, it very well could be the case that this is a sign that the FLR is real, and that surrendering to it may become easier over time.  But, honestly, it doesn’t really feel like that.  It feels like there really is some of this that is just plain old nagging and there does need to be some room for me to do adult things without being treated like a kid.  Which brings us to the second option, namely revisiting the rules and talking through what they should be, what discretion she has to set them, and whether there are areas where the restrictions are causing such resentment that they aren’t counterproductive.  It’s not so much that she wouldn’t tackle those areas at all, just not as tightly right now and not as the first priority.  We all had a discussion a few months ago about how much couples focus on the “small things” (picking up socks, cleaning the kitchen and doing it well, etc.) and I am coming around to the view that at least for us, plunging headlong into a major power exchange encompassing areas where personal freedom is important to me just isn’t going to work.  But, the good news is, I think we probably will get past this temporary hurdle and move forward, even if the precise vector of “forward” is a little bit up in the air right now.

We also ended up talking a lot last week about what exactly distinguishes DD from an FLR.  While there wasn’t a consensus view on a workable definition that distinguishes one from the other, there did seem to be some general agreement that one thing that defines an FLR is decision-making authority and the extent to which she sets the rules instead of just enforcing rules that the couple agrees to together in advance.

Which brings us to this week’s topic, which is admittedly a repeat of one we did in 2017. It is not about what the rules are, but about how they are set.  How does that work for you?  Are all the rules agreed to in advance?  Or, is the agreement to the power hierarchy as a whole, with him consenting to her authority to both make the rules and enforce them?  Do you get spanked for anything that you think should not be spankable?  And, is there express agreement to what the consequences will be, e.g. is it all about spanking or does she have discretion to come up with any punishment that fits the crime? 

I hope you have a great week.