Saturday, April 6, 2019

The Club - Meeting 292 - First Time Asking


“A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him.” - Nathaniel Branden

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine started off pretty well.  I felt like I was finally getting my feet under me in my new job role.  Then, it all deteriorated by week’s end.  But, I’ll take whatever progress I can get.  It’s, hopefully, a little like walking up a circular staircase; you come back to the same point over and over again but at a slightly higher elevation.  At least, that’s the hope.  I also developed a little physical ailment that may actually do a better job of slowing me down that Domestic Discipline has.  Getting old is not for wimps.

Last week’s topic on “others” knowing didn’t get a huge volume of response, though it did strike a chord for Elizabeth and Frank in light of the dynamic going on with her sister and brother-in-law. I am very interested in hearing about their upcoming discussion, if they care to share it with us. I am more than a little envious that Frank could end up with someone he can talk to face-to-face about this thing they do, with someone on the same side of the paddle.  As I’ve recounted, only three people really know about our DD relationship, and only two of those are in-person relationships.  Of those two, one isn’t into DD and the other is on the other end of the paddle.  That’s not nothing, but it would still feel freeing to have the comradery of someone else who has these same needs.

I’m a little distracted this weekend, so this topic will be a little short, and not one I have a lot to speak about directly.  It is an extension of the theme on “asking for it.”  Our earlier polls and most of our discussions verify that it is usually the husband who asks for the DD relationship.  It seems to be the same with most M/f dynamics – it is the disciplined spouse who initiates the relationship.   This week’s topic is pretty simple: Was there a specific event that lead you or your spouse to ask for it – “it” being the DD relationship as a whole?  Was there some particular bit of bad behavior that preceded asking for it that first time?  Or maybe some particular low point in personal behavior that drove wanting the accountability? Or, was there a point where a pre-existing fascination became overpowering?

My own story doesn’t really follow any of those lines.  I didn’t have a pre-existing fascination with adult discipline, and there wasn’t any behavior-related precipitating event.  I encountered the Disciplinary Wives Club website, and it caused a reaction that was strong, I really had to ask for it.  I suspect I did have some deep and previously unrecognized need for enforced accountability that was triggered by that website, but even though I like to think I am a fairly self-aware person, I did not recognize that need in myself until I found a website that expressed it so openly.

How about you? Tell us about the precipitating event that led you to ask or be asked be in a disciplinary relationship.  Or, if you are in that rare DD relationship that was imposed by the disciplinarian, tell us about that.

74 comments:

  1. We had been playing with male orgasm control for several years. I had initiated that to keep the level of intimacy up in our marriage, and while my wife didn't particularly understand, she appreciated that I appreciated it.

    Along the way, of course, I encountered many of the FLR sites that we are all familiar with: A Married Woman's Guide, Real Women Don't Do Housework, Around Her Finger, Worshipping Your Wife, and Elise Sutton, among many others. Along with orgasm control, most of them also recommend F/M domestic discipline for couples looking to deepen their relationship.

    I was particularly intrigued by this line from Married Woman's Guide: "A good, hard spanking hurts and is humiliating while it is happening. The notion that you have or may at any time cause him those feelings makes you excruciatingly desirable to him."

    Yes, it certainly does. In time of course, I found Aunt Kay's site and Disciplined Hubbies, and my intrigue became a need to feel her authority.

    I wound up preparing two articles for her, editing together the best of all the sites and my own perspective on our relationship. I read the first to her while we were taking a long drive, and the second soon after that. As with orgasm control, it wasn't something she particularly understood, but she was willing to try.

    And soon after that, as I've related before, I came downstairs naked from a shower and interrupted her working in the kitchen. "You want to be spanked? I'll spank you!" She bent me over the counter and gave me four sharp swats with a wooden spatula. It hurt! But yes, our disciplinary relationship had begun, and I'd never want to go back.

    CrimsonKing

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    1. Hi CK. Thanks for sharing. I admit I still have zero attraction to orgasm control/denial, though I may be in the minority among DD couples on that one.

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    2. C.K., I love this sentence that you quoted:

      "A good, hard spanking hurts and is humiliating while it is happening. The notion that you have or may at any time cause him those feelings makes you excruciatingly desirable to him."

      I wish I had known that when my husband first asked me to spank him. If I had understood the erotic power spanking would give me over him, I wouldn’t have rebuffed him the way I did all those years ago.

      Dan, I wonder whether your disinterest in orgasm denial/control marks the dividing line between a guy like you who is just looking for discipline and accountability from his wife and a guy like my husband who has an erotic need for full spectrum FLR?

      It makes me feel wonderfully desirable when I can enjoy a nice, leisurely session of cunnilingus after spanking Wayne, knowing that he claims no right to reciprocal favors. If I decide to allow him release after I have had my pleasure, he will be grateful to me for my “generosity.” If I decide to deny him release, he will be all the more deeply enthralled to his “cruel mistress.”

      I understand why you might not be interested in orgasm denial and control, Dan. Disciplinary spankings may be purely contractual in nature, based on an agreement between equal partners. Viewed that way, spanking isn’t necessarily even kinky. Orgasm denial, on the other hand, feels to me like a thoroughly sexual celebration of inequality.

      If you don’t mind me asking a question, Dan, how would you feel if your wife decided orgasm control was something she wanted to try, whether you like it or not? Would you submit to it as a kind of discipline, or would it be straying too far from your idea of DD?
      Danielle

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    3. Danielle, if she wanted that, I would definitely comply. As for lack of interest, I really don’t know why. It may be that if she actually did impose it, that show of authority might be a turn on. And,
      her showing authority definitely does turn me on. What I think distinguishes me from many DD husbands isn’t a lack of erotic charge from her authority. I definitely have that. What seems to be different about me is I don’t have any interest in spanking outside of DD and did not have an early interest in it. But, I also didn’t really get off on the FLR concept early on either. That was really a pretty recent. development (the last
      two years or so).

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    4. Dan, it has been my experience that a person who doesn’t have erotic feelings about DD and FLR can develop them. When I first started spanking Wayne and bossing him around, I found it satisfying, but not in an erotic way. That has changed. I haven’t become sadistic or anything. I don’t like inflicting pain for its own sake, and I would never seriously hurt Wayne, but I have to confess that having power over him has started to turn me on. Not only that, it turns me on to show other people that I can boss him around, and openly displaying my collection of hairbrushes excites me. I kind of want people to guess the truth. I have only told one close friend in strictest confidence that I spank Wayne, and I like that she knows. When we started FLR, I figured the spanking part would be a deep, dark secret, but I’m starting to feel as though I want other people to know the extent my power over my husband.
      Danielle

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    5. Danielle, I have no doubt that is true, and you certainly are not the first disciplinary wife to report that she started doing this in order to fix behavior but ultimately became turned on by it. I don't think Anne finds inflicting pain sexy either, but she says that she finds it very erotic to order met disrobe, get in position, etc. For her, it is making me submit to something outside the norm that get her going. And, until recently we had not done corner time at all. After the first couple of times, she has decided she really enjoys making me stand there naked for as long as she chooses.

      Honestly, I don't know why anyone find this surprising. It may be trite that power is an aphrodisiac, but it is. I think almost always. The only question is whether you get off on exercising it or having it exercised over you. For me, it is an interesting dynamic, because I think most people would say I have a lot of power in my day-to-day life. But, I honestly have a real, visceral aversion to having power over others. Given my position, I have no choice but to exercise authority, but I really, truly do not enjoy it at all. But, I also am totally anti-authoritarian when on the receiving end where work is concerned. I have absolutely no desire to roll over for anyone "above" me. It really is only in the DD and FLR context that I do get turned out by someone enforcing boundaries. And, honestly, it may be that the reason I don't feel it at work is no one really can "make" me do anything there. I can always walk out any time, so it just doesn't feel like anyone is really imposing anything, regardless of how it may feel to them. Honestly, the very few times anyone at work has humbled me it has tended to be more along the lines of a mentor giving advice that I absorbed over time. Anyone going more Alpha on me would just cause a confrontation.

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    6. This is Elizabeth. This is going to sound silly, but when I started spanking my husband I had no idea that it would give me power. I thought I was providing him a service that he had requested, not totally unlike ironing his shirts! He identified the behaviors that he thought he should be punished for, and he confessed when he had misbehaved, and I then carried out the discipline in a rather clinical way. It was not exciting for me, and I did not really even think it was giving me any special authority over him. I got the benefit of his improved behavior, but no direct benefit to me.

      Over time, however, I began to realize the power that he had offered me, and it began to change our relationship significantly and even change me personally. I became much more assertive, not just with him but in other aspects of my life. And then as our DD relationship developed, I began to exercise more power over him, such as totally controlling his drinking. And like Dan and Danielle have mentioned, I began to enjoy having that power.

      It wasn't erotic for me for a long time. It was just a sense of excitement and even comfort that I had authority that I didn't used to have, that I knew he would listen to me and stop arguing when I ordered him to.

      Over a number of years, this authority has drifted into the bedroom as well. So we definitely have developed an erotic component. It was always erotic for him, as his erections before and after punishment showed me from the very beginning. But now I am much more assertive in bed, and the frequency of receiving oral sex has increased dramatically for me (on command) and decreased dramatically for him (on his birthday and our anniversary). While he initiated the idea of me being more in control in the bedroom, as has happened with virtually all of our changes related to DD, I am the one who is now in charge of it. And I admit that now I do feel that there is something erotic about bossing him around and having this degree of authority over him, in and out of the bedroom.

      I find all this very surprising but also very beneficial to our marriage. We have gone beyond DD into some aspects of wife-led, though we do not plan to ever be full FLR.
      Elizabeth

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    7. That really doesn't sound silly to me. I'm not sure my wife really got the power exchange at issue when we first started. I'm not sure I did either at that time. And, I think for a long time she believed, deep down inside, that if she ever really did try to take over, I would balk. Because, not having those inclinations herself, I think she had a hard time understanding why someone would want to be disciplined and put under someone's thumb. And, let's face it, we condition people NOT to enjoy power, or at least it is viewed as bad to admit you like exercising power over others.

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    8. No, that’s not silly at all, Elizabeth! That resonates very strongly with me. I think the empowerment that comes with the disciplinary role inevitably makes us more assertive in all aspects of our lives. When a husband asks his wife to discipline him, he is basically asking her to make him behave better. The husband may have very specific ideas about behaviors he wants you to help him improve, as you say Frank did. But I doubt there is a woman in the world who would not have ideas for improving her husband in ways that go beyond her husband’s expectations. So I think it is inevitable that once we become “disciplinarians” to our husbands, we will also, to some extent, become “educators.”

      It is probably inevitable as well that a woman empowered to educate her husband is going to “educate” him about how better to please her in the bedroom. And I would bet a thousand dollars that in most cases that is going to lead to increased attention to the clitoris and decreased attention to the penis. Don’t you just love, love, LOVE feeling empowered to ask (or command) your husband to go down on you and feeling no obligation to return the favor? I sure do!

      Dan, I agree with your point that people are educated NOT to enjoy power. I think that is even more true for women than for men, which is why behavior that would seem acceptable in a man might seem “bitchy” in a woman. DD and FLR have been liberating for me in that sense.
      Danielle

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    9. I think it probably is true that women are conditioned not to enjoy power even more so than men, though as I've written here before I think women also tend to over-estimate that difference. If a woman at work acts with authority and decisiveness, she may very well be thought of as a bitch by someone she holds accountable. But, I guarantee you that if I, as a male leader and manager, hold a male employee similarly accountable, he will leave my office calling me a "dick" or "asshole" under his breath. So, I think strong female leaders and strong male leaders are both subject to being resented and called nasty names. The difference is that the man likely won't let those negative reactions stop him from leading, while a woman very well may. I've counseled some of our younger female execs that it is up to us to create an environment where people of both genders have management opportunities, but if a woman decides not to lead because some weaker man might call her a bitch under his breath, that is something SHE needs to learn to get past and get over, and it's on her to do that.

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  2. As also articulated previously I made the suggestion as part of an attempt to retain spanker privileges when Mrs GL expressed concern about the power transfer element. I inadvertently opened up a stream of connection in myside I did not know I had. Very quickly I became the only one chastised and it looks like staying that way (which is ok with me even if Mrs GL isn`t quite into her role as I`d like). Cheers Good Life Mickey.

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    1. You may be the only commenter who has said they became a DD recipient in order to try to remain on the other end of the paddle. A unique and interesting perspective.

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  3. Dating, learning of one another, allowing her to be in charge, something she wanted. And finally got the nerve to show her my F/m magazines. The first spanking was okay, now married, she knows how to spank and when one is given. Being open with one another is the key.

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  4. I have had a seeming life long interest in spanking, and always thought I would be the spanker. Realizing that being spanked also could be a turn on, I finally asked Cindy for a year or two before we actually started spankings. The children were all grown up and had left home. The DWC club was what finally convinced me that this was the way to have spanking in my life.
    bottoms up
    Red

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    1. Well, I take back what I just said to Mickey. Sounds like there are at least two of you who started off wanting to be the spanker then found those roles reversed

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    2. I didn’t start out “wanting” to be the spanker but instead I was the spanker because I met many women interested in being spanked and as far as I was aware at the time, no women who wanted to assume the disciplinarian role. I now realize many of the women I thought to be only spankee’s might have become disciplinarians if that potential was nourished. But I did not become a “spankee” until I met a women who early and clearly expressed her desire for authority and belief in spanking naughty men. She triggered all those deep needs I only partly recognized. Despite those earlier years of being the top I don’t today consider myself any sort of “switch”. Once that first F/M relationship was established (maybe even after my first real spanking) I was hooked and believe I will always need feminine discipline. I do wonder now how many men carry on an M/F role mainly because their partner prefers that or societal norms push them to do it – when they deep in their hearts wish for a female disciplinarian. That could have been me if I had not met the women who first introduced me to DD
      Alan

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    3. Interesting story, Alan, how you switched roles and found the one right for you. I could never see myself in the submissive role. If Frank had sent me an email suggesting he start spanking me, the answer would have been a definite no.
      Elizabeth

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    4. I share Elizabeth's inflexibility, but in the opposite direction. I have zero interest in disciplining my wife or any other woman.

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    5. I am with Elizabeth and Dan. I would never switch roles with my husband.
      Danielle

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    6. When I was young
      I would read stories of real spankings
      And wish I was the spankee in them
      Getting blistered by a lady that was very
      Strict have finely started getting spanked by my partner after 5 yrs together I gave been spanking her as foreplay but have asked her to stay spanking me she's trying to understand my need for real discipline

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  5. This is Elizabeth. Dan mentions a pre-existing fascination becoming overwhelming, and I believe that is what happened with Frank. As we have related, he wrote me a long email on his 50th birthday, asking that we initiate domestic discipline and telling all the benefits as he understood them. I responded immediately, that very night. And it is gone very well ever since, for almost 15 years.

    I know some people are interested in what happened in the meeting last night between Frank and me and my sister and her husband, who also practice DD but with the man in the dominant role. We started with a few drinks and cordial conversation, and then my sister's husband began the serious conversation. He said that he and my sister had discussed DD while they were dating, and that he spanked her several times during their engagement. They both were interested in domestic discipline and in a relationship in which she is submissive and he is dominant. He spoke about the many benefits for him in terms of controlling her behavior, which tends to be rather sassy.

    Then my sister spoke, agreeing with her husband that she needs a man in authority over her and that it helps her immensely with her attitude. She then apologized to Frank for teasing him when he was in position in the kitchen when she came to visit a few years ago. She said that she didn't mean for it to harm their relationship or to embarrass him and that she didn't really think before making a comment to him through the kitchen doorway. She also said that she had been punished for her behavior.

    My husband then spoke and told about writing the email to me on his 50th birthday and that he had sought such a relationship for a very long time but did not have the courage to ask. He said that he felt it was very private and that he might not want to do a lot of sharing about it in the future. He apologized to my sister for being distant and said that his behavior towards her would definitely change, beginning that very night. And he was much more friendly and funny as the evening continued.

    Then I spoke and talked about the benefits to our marriage and the surprising benefits to me personally, including a significant Improvement in my self discipline, with the example being losing weight.

    That was about it! Then we had a wonderful dinner and did not talk about DD the rest of the night, though my sister's husband and I exchanged some grins as my sister and Frank wriggled rather uncomfortably in their seats and did a lot of standing, having both been soundly punished the night before.

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    1. Hi Elizabeth. Thanks for sharing this. It sounds like a great evening. It sounds like your sister and brother-in-law's relationship has broader power exchange involved than yours, while yours and Frank's is more DD-focused. Is that, or I am I mischaracterizing it?

      It took me a while, and some communications with women in M/f DD and D/s relationships to get that at least for the "subs," the M/f and F/m variants of DD seem to meet very similar needs and wants. I've always had just a deep-seated aversion to the whole idea of "hurting" a woman that part of me was really emotionally resistant to M/f dynamics involving physical discipline. I now get that most of the women in those relationships are in them for reasons very similar to my own. That said, I am very glad that my own wife has no desire at all to be disciplined through spanking herself, because I'm not sure I could do it even if she asked.

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    2. Yes, my sister and her husband are D/s in addition to DD. The way she and I were raised, the man is the head of the household, so it would be difficult for either of us to be comfortable with a full-on female-led relationship (and she wants a man in authority over her anyway).

      Though the older I get, the more I think that our culture is more subtly matriarchal than we imagine. In most extended families that I know, the grandmother wields the most power, and grandpa is more of the public figurehead. I certainly have more influence in our extended family than Frank does. But I still want him in the role of protector and provider and magnanimous leader.
      Elizabeth

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    3. You're probably right that there is some subtle matriarchy going on. And, growing up the mothers in our community were at least as prone as the fathers to mete out corporal punishment. In my own family, one of my grandmothers clearly was the most powerful presence, or at least the most bossy. Though, I don't know whether that was reflective of a broader matriarchy in our society or was just a reflection of her personality.

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  6. Elizabeth
    Thanks for sharing what must have been a wonderful exchange among the four of you. And you have the advantage of doing it within your family. Once it is out and open it becomes not such a big deal which mellows anyone out that might be concerned about others knowing. This is just a great example of what open and honest communication about DD can produce
    Alan

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    1. That's what we are hoping, that the shared knowledge of DD will bring us closer together. It was a little tense until after Frank shared, but then we all relaxed and had a lovely evening.

      Frank has asked me not to share "war stories" about DD moving forward, and I am fine with that, though I did tell him that nothing is off-limits when sisters are having a heart to heart.

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    2. Elizabeth
      Your mention of sisters and their openness with each other about DD has been my experience also. I guess it’s just the trust and deep relationship that makes openness so natural. My wife's sister has known I am spanked and has witnessed it several times. My wife told me before she disclosed our DD relationship with her sister and I am now fine with it although the occasional witnessed spankings I could do without.
      Alan

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    3. I don't think we will ever have witnesses, not even my sister. Just not our thing. However, I wouldn't be totally shocked if my brother-in-law spanked my sister fully clothed in front of us, as he made some comment Saturday about now not being so hesitant to take her in hand in front of us.
      Elizabeth

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    4. That happening (threatening a witness) becomes almost the ultimate sanction. Just the hint of it usually stops me from whatever is getting me in trouble. My wife likes that reaction but doesn’t overuse it, either the threats or actually spanking me in front of her sister.
      Alan.

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    5. This is another one where I am in alignment with Elizabeth -- I doubt witnesses will ever be a part of our dynamic.

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    6. This is Elizabeth's Frank. Before our DD life began, I used to read erotic stories and look at pictures of witnessed spankings, and I admit they definitely turned me on. But I would not want it to happen in real life, and I do think it would interfere with our purpose.

      I know for sure that I would be totally focused on what my sister-in-law was seeing and hearing -- and not focused on my wife or my misbehavior for which I am being punished. I think it would interfere with our marital intimacy and be less effective in improving my behavior. I would just be thinking, "Does my sister-in-law think I am taking it like a man? Did she see my erection before the spanking started? Is she going to make any comments?" Etc., etc. And I don't know how I could possibly face her afterwards.

      For Alan and others who have actually experienced being witnessed, how would you respond to these concerns?
      Frank

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    7. Hi Frank
      I know there are other men in the group who have been punished in front of a witness so I hope they also respond. First of all being witnessed will turn you on as a fantasy a lot less after it is experienced. But I feel your wife really should have the authority to do it if she decides to and it has done some positive things for us. It makes the DD feel much more real to both of us by making what is sort of a limited public affirmation that it is real and it also releases something in my wife that makes her feel more empowered. It has also made her closer with her sister. But there are negatives especially for me. There is considerable embarrassment although that doesn’t last and the spanking is longer and more severe than a normal spanking. From reading other accounts I think some wives make the punishment more severe to demonstrate control. Lastly it does not happen unless I have had a release before her sister arrives, so an erection isn’t a concern. For reasons I don’t entirely understand, she does not want her sister to see any sign of sexual excitement (an erection). I do agree with you that “martial intimacy” would be compromised if every spanking were to be witnessed but in reality they are rare, once or twice a year or less so that has not been a problem for us. My wife has been very cautious about using them or even threatening one and I believe that has made them more effective and for sure they have changed some behaviors. As far as what you are thinking when it happens, initially you do focus on the presence of a witness and what she thinks about you being disciplined. But once the actual spanking begins you focus on accepting it and listening to what your wife is saying and almost forget someone else is present. As far as facing my sister in law afterward, that was a little awkward at first but the awkwardness wears off fast and my relationship with her actually improved after she saw me that vulnerable. Today we are real friends.
      Alan

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    8. Frank
      I forgot to mention one other concern about it and that is my sister in law telling her husband which I am certain she has done. But your situation would make that fear moot.I would rather any ten of my women friends know my wife spanks than one of my male friends ((unless he was also in a DD relationship)
      Alan

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    9. I think you do have to assume that if you choose to tell someone about your DD relationship, they are likely to let a spouse in on that knowledge. But, while I think that is the only safe assumption, I really don't know whether that is the case in practice. The friend I revealed our DD relationship to was married at the time, then divorced and remarried. One or both of her husbands could know, but I haven't tried to verify that either way. Part of me doesn't want to know, and another part doesn't really care. And, it's obviously something that I can't control either way at this point, so I am not going to lose any sleep over it.

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  7. As usual, my story is a bit different than others. While my first and vanilla marriage was falling apart and eventually ended in divorce, I was looking for a non sexual cheating outlet. I discovered BDSM and the adult spanking community. To shorten this up, after the divorce, I saw more of the Pro Dominant and we fell in love and married. Right from the beginning, she stated this marriage was going to be like a full time domination session we had been doing since we met. This easily turned into a DD marriage which lasted over 7 years. The marriage did fall apart, but nothing to do with the DD aspect of it. Point here is, she initiated it and it may fall under the category of pre-existing fascination, but it was 90% her idea. My second and current full time DD relationship without the marriage ingredient, was completely my doing and I told her that was the kind of relationship I wanted to live in. She agreed and we have been happily together in a 24/7, female-led, DD relationship for over 11 years.

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    1. How did your second and current react when you told her what you wanted?

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    2. She reacted in a very positive manner. Making sure I knew what I was asking for as she was no stranger to any alternative lifestyles. Her family was in the business of making and selling BDSM equipment and implements, but she was a silent partner due to her employment. Any way we worked together making lists of what we expected from each other and the relationship itself, drafting an agreement, a list of offenses and a 3 level punishment for each offense. When all that was done and agreed upon I physically moved in with her. When the last box was carried in she said 'if we are doing this, we are doing it right....take off all your clothes, you're getting spanked right now to start things off'. I was soundly spanked and have virtually not worn clothes in the house since then.

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  8. Just about every time we had DWC company, or went to a party or something like that, I found it incredibly liberating to be open with the other people. And it was soothing and relaxing too(conversationally - not posteriorially)

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  9. As I've said before, there was no key precipitous event......unless one was to count Rosa's remark upon moving in that she feared she would never see this house as a shared thing, but something that was mine that she was just living in. That remark might have been the impetus to suggest our arrangement, though it was something of an inevitability considering what we were already doing. As I may have said before, DD was just sort of our "logical next step".

    And initially things developed rapidly, from once having a mere episodic kinky relationship to becoming a true tool for Rosa to claim her territory and authority. She then suggested living openly (her idea ironically) and once I wrapped my head around it and agreed to give it a try, things just went on from there.

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    1. I'm not sure I knew that Rosa initiated your openness about all this. It's interesting that it she who took it in that direction

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    2. Yep.....that was her. And it makes sense because we were now living with HER kids, and I never would have felt comfortable making a suggestion like that under those circumstances. But as you know from many shared posts, it certainly worked out just fine.

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  10. I find the opening quote of this discussion ironic when my husband came to me and basically said, "Please improve me by whipping my behind!"
    Elizabeth

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  11. Possible topic: Which implement is most effective for you at changing behavior? Is it because it is the most painful, or are there other reasons? On the other hand, which implement is the least effective and why? And is there an implement you find particularly erotic?
    Elizabeth

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    1. Sh, don't answer now. This is a suggestion for Dan.

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    2. Yep, I can work this into a topic this upcoming week

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  12. Hi, my name is Danielle. My husband Wayne asked me to start disciplining him many years ago, when our kids were still in school. I’m ashamed to say I rejected his request rather harshly. He was visibly embarrassed by his desire, and I made it even harder for him. Back then the seeming kinkiness frightened me. I worried about where it might lead if I didn’t shut it down.

    Wayne let it drop, but I knew he was pursuing his fantasies online. I tolerated that, but as the years passed he became more absorbed in his online fantasy world, and I felt neglected. Once our kids had grown up, it got worse, and I finally got so fed up that I told him I thought were heading towards divorce.

    He had been argumentative about my complaints until then, but the D-word shocked him. In response he wrote me an anguished letter, apologizing for his neglect and confessing to an addiction to “femdom spanking erotic.” He promised he would try to change, and he suggested that it might help him if I reconsidered his previous request for a “wife led marriage.” I agreed. I was ready to try anything to save our marriage, and being older I felt less freaked out by the seeming kinkiness of it.

    I told Wayne firmly that if I was going to be the boss, it would be for real. I told him I would spank him when I saw fit, but that spanking would not be the central element of our relationship and it would be on MY terms. He agreed.

    Once I took up the hairbrush, I regretted not having done it when he first asked me. He became an attentive husband, and I discovered I liked being in charge. I knew the change was genuine when I was able to impose increasing amounts of housework on Wayne. Previously, I never felt he did his fair share, and we had bitter arguments about it. Now, he does what he is told. I like the way I can instantly put him in place with a spanking or just a threat of a spanking if he starts to get argumentative or moody.

    I think I may always have had an inner bitch that has now been freed. I like having the final say, I like being obeyed, and I like being able to express myself bluntly, either with the hairbrush or a verbal dressing down, when I am dissatisfied. Nobody except my closest friend knows I spank Wayne, but I no longer hide my bossiness from family and friends. I like that people can see I’m the boss.

    A couple of years ago, Wayne took an early retirement package from his employer, so he has become my full time “house husband”. That means we have a complete division of labour: I go to work and he does all the cooking and cleaning. Wayne and I are old enough to see our current lifestyle as a gender role reversal, and that works well because it turns Wayne on and it frees me from the drudgery I was educated to see as “women’s work.” Life is good.

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    1. Hi Danielle. Thank you for sharing this. It's great that you and your husband got on the same page on this, even if it took a few years. Thanks for joining in, and I hope you will continue to do so. I like your second-to-last paragraph in particular, and that is basically how I hope my wife feels about things.

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    2. This is Danielle again.
      Thank you, Dan. I don’t get involved in online discussions about spanking or FLR much, but I like your site from what I have seen. I know of it through my husband. I allow Wayne to follow spanking and FLR-themed sites, but I have two rules for him. 1. He can’t spend so much time online that he fails to do everything I expect of him. That limits his time pretty effectively because I have high expectations about what he should accomplish in a day. 2. He’s not allowed to erase the History on his computer without my permission because I want to be able to see what he gets up to. Your site often appears in his History when I check. He knows that I approve of it.

      To your comment that you hope your wife feels the way I do about freeing my “inner bitch”, I would say that if she behaves in a bossy way, she probably enjoys it. But your concern about that does you credit. I know that Wayne sometimes feels insecure or even guilty about needing to be disciplined and controlled by me because he needs to be periodically reassured that I really like doing it. He knows that I only started to do it because I wanted to save our marriage, so he worries that deep down I might resent that I have had to adapt to him. It is true that I did adapt to his needs, and would never have initiated a FLR myself. But I have discovered that I like it and that it meets needs and desires of my own. For women of my generation who were raised to think we should be the submissive ones, it is liberating.

      I should add that being a bit of a bitch is all the more satisfying because it has allowed me to deal with my previous frustration with Wayne’s major character flaw. I love him very much. He is smart and funny and he has been a good father to our kids. But he can be overly argumentative, stubborn, and a real know-it-all. That cartoon of the guy at a computer, saying to his wife, “I can’t come to bed now. Somebody is wrong on the internet” could be Wayne. He’s smart, but I don’t think he’s as smart as he thinks he is, and he doesn’t give enough credit to people who see things differently. He also doesn’t know when to just let an argument drop.

      The most satisfying spankings I have given Wayne (satisfying for me) have been for being a stubborn know-it-all, either towards me, or towards other family members at family get-togethers, or towards strangers online when he won’t let go of an argument on Twitter after I’ve told him to turn the damn computer off. Sometimes he can’t even stop himself from arguing that is unfair of me to spank him for arguing even while I am baring his bottom. But he’s never won an argument with my hairbrush, paddle, or strap. LOL I love having the last word!

      My in-laws all think Wayne is the genius of the family too because he was always so good at school. That’s one reason I like being openly bossy with him around his family now.

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    3. It sounds like your Wayne and I might get along very well. ;-)

      "I know that Wayne sometimes feels insecure or even guilty about needing to be disciplined and controlled by me because he needs to be periodically reassured that I really like doing it... It is true that I did adapt to his needs, and would never have initiated a FLR myself. But I have discovered that I like it and that it meets needs and desires of my own. For women of my generation who were raised to think we should be the submissive ones, it is liberating."

      I've not felt "guilty" or "insecure", but for many years I didn't know whether she was doing it out of a sense of obligation because I had asked, or something more. And, at first, I'm not sure she really knew either, perhaps for some years. I would sometimes ask whether she liked spanking me, and she said yes, but I had my doubts. It was only a couple of years ago that something seemed to really click. It was after she read "The Hesitant Mistress." She said that she had always had doubts about whether *I* really wanted her to step up her control, because she just couldn't understand why a man would want that. She always suspected that if she stepped things up and really assumed control, that I would have second thoughts and back out. Something about the book convinced her that was wrong and that I really wanted it. There is obviously a lesson in this, around how much easier it would be if each spouse could (a) embrace the role they really want; and (b) accept their partner's statements about what they want at face value.

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    4. Dan, a difference between your situation and ours, I suppose, is that I only took up the hairbrush when it looked like Wayne and I were headed for divorce because of his addiction to online spanking erotica. Like you he worries that I do it out of a sense of obligation. Unlike you, he had good reason to feel guilty. Like your wife, I am doing it for the good of my marriage. But unlike your wife, I didn’t need any convincing that I should “step up and take control.” There was a certain amount of anger mixed with my love for my husband, so I didn’t care whether he really wanted me to take control. I felt like I had nothing to lose, so my attitude was, “If it’s FLR you want, it’s FLR you’re going to get. And it’s going to be on my terms.” It turns out he really did want that.
      Danielle

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    5. It may be a matter of degree,and also whether we are talking about "taking up the hairbrush" or an FLR. My wife needed surprisingly little convincing to take up the paddle, but it was a fairly limited form of power exchange for many years. It's been only in the last couple of years that we have been experimenting with her taking control. Personally, I think it's great that the mix of anger and love led you not to care whether he really wanted it. I think many of us want that borderline state of "consensual non-consent," where we may consent on one level, but it feels imposed on another level. Some really shy away from that, but some of us crave it. For me, the stronger and tougher she is, the better it works, even if I hate it at the time.

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    6. I like the phrase “consensual non-consent.” When I agreed to give FLR a try to save my marriage, I warned Wayne that it would be real and that he probably wouldn’t like some of my rules. I mean, given that we used to have arguments over housework, he obviously hated housework as much as I do. So it had to be hard for him when I imposed my idea of a fair division on him, backed up by truly humbling consequences. When he “consented” to that, I quickly went further and made it clear that since I was the boss fairness didn’t even enter into it. I could see that he sometimes bristled at his loss of equal status, but that made the exercise of authority all the more satisfying to me. I guess being a bitch towards Wayne struck me as a merited privilege for me and an appropriate comeuppance for him. As I pushed limits, I felt reflected that Wayne had the power to put the brakes on our power exchange if he wanted to, so that added to my feeling of permission. I could also see that my bitchiness made him more devoted to me in the bedroom, so there’s that. What clearer sign of “consensual non-consent” can you have?

      I think your wife deserves credit for accepting your request for a DD lifestyle when you first made it. I wish I had done that. If I had known that my husband’s need for DD was so powerful that dismissing it would endanger my marriage, I would have. But in that case I think it would probably have taken me as much time to discover my “inner bitch” as it has taken your wife. I would have been doing it for him, and it would probably have taken me a while to start doing it for myself. A feeling of justified anger got me there faster.

      Danielle

      P.S. I just reread your reply and noted that you distinguish between “taking up the hairbrush” and FLR. That is an interesting point. I guess it is possible for a man to want his wife to discipline him without renouncing his equal status in the relationship. Is that what you mean? I think that was what Wayne may have wanted the first time he asked me to spank him. He said he wanted it as “discipline”, but I thought it was a purely sexual thing and the kinkiness of it alarmed me. (I feel silly now that "kink" alarmed me). When Wayne wrote that letter years later, he was remorseful that his addiction to online spanking fantasies had made him so neglectful of me that I was thinking of divorce, and he was clearly asking me to give FLR a try in a way that went beyond paddling his backside for specific misdemeanors. I accepted to try FLR at that point because I felt that I really deserved to be the boss.

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    7. Danielle, I agree that you and my wife have taken different paths to get to a similar place, though it sounds like you may be a little further along the FLR path than she is. I do make a distinction between "taking up the brush," which in the context of replying to your comment was my euphemism for DD, and FLR. While people can debate terminology forever, I think of DD as a pretty limited form of power exchange, in which the wife may be empowered to do little more than chastise and punishment particular acts. Further along that spectrum would be her deciding on her own what can be punished. Even further is a more pervasive power exchange in which she makes more and more decisions, including about things that have nothing to do with punishing particular bad acts. She becomes the primary decision-maker, or at least the tie breaker.

      I do think where couples start and end on that spectrum can vary enormously, as can their respective motivations. I do think a man can want discipline without renouncing equal status, though for us I don't feel like there was an actual wish or desire on my part in that direction. Before I discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club website, I'd never even heard of domestic discipline. What resonated for me (incredibly powerfully by the way), was the idea of being held accountable, including through spanking. Most of the DWC content is focused on spanking as a consequence of bad acts, and not really about a broader yielding up of control over other aspects of his life. It was only over time that I started realizing that I didn't need just consequences, but imposed boundaries. I guess you could say that in the beginning we agreed what the boundaries would be (I would be spanked for this or that), and over time I recognized that I will inevitably get out of control in all sorts of areas unless someone keeps me on a tighter leash. When those realizations started coming to the fore, we started exploring something with her more expressly in charge. Which is hard for us, because her natural personality is more yielding than mine, while in "real life" I tend to be pretty intense. But, I see the goal is helping us both get to a better balance. Her by growing into a more and more powerful and "edgy"--or bitchy, if you will--person. Me by giving up control and being humbled by someone's authority.

      Thanks again for participating. I'm really enjoying the discussion with you.

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    8. Thanks, Dan. I am enjoying the discussion too. I think there is wisdom in your acknowledgment that you benefit from yielding control to your wife and allowing her to set boundaries for you. At the risk of sounding sexist, I believe that most men could benefit from such an arrangement, and I believe that in most successful marriages wives tend to “domesticate” their husbands (even without formal DD or FLR). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a female supremacist. I think the idea that either sex is superior to the other is pernicious nonsense. But I do believe there are some general differences between the sexes that make it beneficial (most of the time) for men to surrender domestic control to “the weaker sex.” I think we women are generally more emotionally grounded and less prone to out-of-control behavior than men. I know that I have more self-discipline than Wayne does. Also, although Wayne may be “more intelligent” than me in an academic way, I believe I am smarter in certain practical ways that make me the appropriate leader in our relationship. Sometimes I need to apply the paddle to Wayne’s bum to get his head out of the clouds. One thing seems certain: had I started paddling his bum earlier in our marriage, I would not have allowed him to follow his obsessions as far as he did before I reined him in.
      Danielle

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    9. If you look at the extent to which men dominate the statistics for accidental deaths, homicides and lifestyle-related diseases, it seems hard to deny that women are less prone to out-of-control behavior. I don't know whether my wife has more self-discipline than I do, or whether she is just a more balanced personality. I don't think she needs to discipline herself, because she just doesn't feel the temptation to live at the extremes the way I do. I agree with you that most successful marriages involve some form of domesticating the husband, unless he started out as pretty passive or submissive. I have no doubt that my wife wishes she had taken things in the FLR direction earlier in our relationship.

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    10. Nice to have another woman here, Danielle. Our marriage is DD without being FLR, and works well for us. In most cases we have discussed ahead of time the behaviors that result in a paddling, though I do reserve the right to punish for something untoward.

      Frank definitely is more of a gentleman since we began DD, and I definitely have become more assertive, but we still maintain an equality of decision-making for most things. If we disagree we keep talking, but if he gets sarcastic or dismissive, then his pants will come off in a heartbeat!
      Elizabeth

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    11. In the world of real FLRs, I suspect that decision making authority hinges a lot on personal preferences. When we began our marriage, my wife handled bill-paying and the bank accounts, while I handled investments. 25+ years of marriage and 15+ of DD later, she handles bill-paying and bank accounts and I manage investments. We still make most big decisions together and, honestly, on big things the hierarchy is seldom an issue, because we typically are in agreement. Where I see FLR as making a difference is around what happens in the event of a tie. Plus, when we do argue, it comes to an end a lot sooner. While it has not been updated in a long time, you might want to check out the Learning and Living an FLR blog. (See link to the right). It was written by a younger woman just getting started in an FLR. It was about the best I found for exploring FLR relationships in the real world and from the woman's perspective. She got busy and hasn't blogged in a long time, but is still in an FLR marriage.

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    12. This is Danielle:

      Thanks, Elizabeth. It’s nice to make your acquaintance too. I think every couple is unique. I’ve been thinking about DD versus FLR, and I think that simple DD wouldn’t have been enough for Wayne and me. Keep in mind that I only decided to try FLR to save my marriage from Wayne’s obsession with online femdom porn.

      When I decided to try to understand what was taking Wayne away from me, I got him to hand over a memory stick with a vast collection of femdom art he had accumulated. Spanking images were predominant. No surprise there. But there was also a file he had named “Wives in Charge.” The contents of that file did surprise me. Basically, they were images of men doing housework while women enjoyed leisure activities or issued orders or looked on with expressions that were either stern or smugly amused as they brandished paddles, hairbrushes, belts, etc. I asked Wayne whether he found those images erotic. He said he did. I asked him point blank whether he had masturbated to those images. With a red face, he confessed that he had.

      I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the irony. He had always fought me over how much housework I could fairly expect him to do. As our relationship had deteriorated due to his neglect of me, those arguments had become increasingly bitter. And all that time he had been masturbating to images of men being treated like apron-wearing 1950’s housewives by strict, dominant women!

      I told Wayne that I would start spanking him as he had originally requested. But I also told him that if he was serious about FLR, we would never again argue over housework because I would expect him to do exactly what I told him to do. He agreed. In fact, I could see that he was aroused by my demand for “obedience.”

      To be honest, I wasn’t sure it would work. I worried that if told him to clean the house under threat of a spanking, he would intentionally disobey for the sexual thrill of getting spanked. To my surprise, I was wrong. It works very well. So well that I hardly do any housework now, and I very rarely have to spank him for substandard work. (Most of the spankings I do give him are for the purpose of attitude adjustment or just to assert my authority). I’m not sure whether he’s so obedient because spankings and other punishments have a deterrent effect or because it turns him on to do as he’s told by a bossy wife. It could be a bit of both.

      As far as decision making goes, Wayne is not excluded from household decisions. He is an intelligent adult, so I value his opinions and recommendations. Most of the time we come to an agreement the way equals would. But on the rare occasion when we don’t agree, I decide, and Wayne knows better than to argue once I have made up my mind.

      I think this form of FLR works for us because it has practical benefits for me and it meets erotic needs for Wayne. Actually, it has erotic benefits for me too, though I didn’t initially think that it would.

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    13. Hi, Danielle. Frank also had an extensive collection of spanking porn that I did nothing about for 20 years! I thought it was his fantasy world and he didn't really want me to spank him. But on his 50th birthday he wrote me a long email asking for domestic discipline and explaining what he thought the benefits would be - including that he would stop looking at porn. I spanked him that night and the next day watched him burn his magazines and videos and wipe clean his computer.

      We decide together the behaviors for which he is punished. He definitely does more chores than he used to, and I definitely am more assertive, even bossy (but not bitchy). But neither of us wants full FLR, which conflicts with our religion and some of our values. I am not the tie-breaker that you and Dan describe. We keep working until we find a resolution together on the rare occasions when we continue to disagree.

      We certainly do not argue as we used to. He used to be prone to sarcasm, but now he knows what that will get him.

      I agree there have been bedroom benefits for us both as well. Long live DD!
      Elizabeth

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    14. Elizabeth, that is impressive that Frank gave up porn completely. I thought that for Wayne it might be more realistic to give him limited supervised access. Limited means that I give him limited computer time. Supervised means he isn’t allowed to erase his search history, so I can keep tabs on what interests him. In fact, I encourage him to draw my attention to things he finds particularly sexy. That’s been an education for me too, and it has enabled me to expand my tool kit as a “wife in charge.”

      I think it’s great that you have found a way to make DD compatible with your religious beliefs. I can see why the kind of FLR I have with Wayne would be less acceptable if you have religious beliefs about gender roles. I think it is a credit to you and Frank that you are able to reach agreement on all decisions as equals. Not everyone can do that.

      For certain kinds of issues, I do like to have Wayne on board as an equal. I have never pulled rank on Wayne in deciding, for example, whether it is time to upgrade our vehicle or to have the roof re-shingled, or what we should do to help our adult children, or what charitable donations we should make. I do, however, feel free to impose my will on Wayne when it comes to luxury expenditures. For example, last year he wanted to buy some new golf clubs, but he didn’t really NEED them, so I said no. He had some difficulty accepting that because his golf buddies were upgrading their equipment, but a dose of the hairbrush put an end to his complaining. Would you consider it problematic from a religious point of view for a wife to overrule her husband for a decision about non-essential things like golf clubs?

      Long live DD, and long live FLR!

      Danielle

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    15. We have an agreement that we both have a certain amount of discretionary income each month and we can individually spend that on anything we want as long as it is not harmful (like drugs or porn). So Frank would be able to buy a new set of golf clubs without consulting with me.

      We did once have an incident where he augmented his discretionary income from our household fund without consulting me in order to buy some very expensive fishing equipment. When I found out I lit up his behind to the tune of one paddle swat for every dollar he took from our house account (and it was almost $300). Plus I confiscated the fishing equipment until he had his discretionary income the following month, which meant he couldn't show it off to his buddies when he had planned to. He definitely learned a lesson about communication and financial responsibility.

      We do believe that the man is the servant-leader of the family, which does not mesh with FLR. But it does require him to lead in a service way, as Christ led the church, and that means much humility and hard work. He is my leader as protector and provider and spiritual leader but also my servant as I manage our household. From suit to apron!
      Elizabeth

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    16. Hi Elizabeth,
      I want to clarify something about allowing Wayne to view porn. I’m not talking about nasty hard core porn. I classify as “porn” any images or stories that Wayne views for purposes of sexual stimulation. In that sense, the (in my opinion) tasteful images Dan uses to illustrate discussion at this website are “pornographic” for my husband. To be honest, I find some of them stimulating myself.

      Wayne does have a discretionary spending allowance too. The difference in our case is that both my discretionary spending amount and his are set unilaterally by me. I actually call Wayne’s amount his “allowance” to emphasize my authority in the matter. I don’t hide the fact that I impose a degree of frugality on Wayne that I don’t impose on myself. For something like a new set of golf clubs, he does have the possibility of “saving up” for it, and I told him that. But, of course, he would need to be extra frugal in order to do that. I think you were right to spank Frank for that stunt with the fishing equipment. I would have worn out Wayne’s backside for that.

      I do look to Wayne as a provider and a protector. Let’s face it, our men tend to be bigger and stronger than us, and Wayne has earned more money than I have. When it comes to “spiritual” things, I don’t really think of either of us leading. I certainly don’t impose beliefs or matters of conscience on Wayne, and I suppose I am as influenced by him as he is by me in that respect. But for our marriage to flourish, I really need to keep him under my thumb in practical, material ways that would probably embarrass most men.

      Danielle

      P.S. “From suit to apron”. I like that!

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    17. I like that you call it an "allowance." We do not have an equivalent of that where finances are concerned. But, on behavior, she does things like telling me I am "grounded," which has some of that same "you are not acting like an adult so I am not going to treat you like one" connotation as giving him an allowance. In both cases, there is a reinforcement of the relative hierarchy.

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    18. Exactly, Dan! I love the words “grounded” and “allowance.” I have worked out a system for Wayne’s allowance that is wonderfully humbling. I budget a monthly amount for him, but I give it to him in weekly cash installments every Saturday morning after his chores. If he needs to receive a weekly installment in advance within the month, he can ask. But there are no monthly advances, so he has to budget carefully so as not to run short before month’s end.

      Since he does all the shopping for cooking and cleaning supplies and household hardware, he has a credit card on a joint account with me. The credit card is not to be used for his own personal expenses. Since it is a joint account, I can monitor his use of it online, and I require him to keep all receipts. He is not allowed to use the credit card to get cash at ATM’s. He once made the mistake of breaking that rule. He wanted to buy something for himself and he didn’t have enough cash, so he reasoned that he could use the credit card to give himself an advance on his weekly allowance from an ATM. To his credit, he told me about it as soon as he got home. Nevertheless, I gave him a thorough paddling and docked a portion of his next allowance, so he would understand that’s a non-negotiable rule. It’s non-negotiable for two reasons: it complicates the bookkeeping, and it reduces the humbling effect of getting his allowance from me as a cash hand-out like I used to give our boys when they were growing up.

      My allowance system once led to an amusingly embarrassing incident: amusing for me, embarrassing for Wayne. He was buying a few items for himself in a department store and I was with him. He miscalculated and ended up being about 10 dollars short at the cash register. The cute salesgirl told him credit cards were accepted, but of course Wayne was not allowed to use his credit card for that purpose. He turned to me and asked nervously if I had ten dollars. I might have advanced him the ten if I had it, but I knew I didn’t have any cash in my purse. I briefly considered using my credit card to pay, but that would have complicated my bookkeeping and I was annoyed with Wayne’s careless management of his allowance. So, forgetting that the salesgirl was looking on, I said to Wayne, “You need to learn to budget more carefully. I don’t have any cash, so you’re going to have to put something back. You can come back for it when I give you your allowance next week.”

      The look of shock on Wayne’s face, quickly turning to a beet red blush, reminded me that I had just treated him like a teenaged boy in front of a salesgirl who was younger than our sons. The young woman looked surprised, but her surprise quickly gave way to amusement. Blushing profusely, Wayne had to ask the smirking salesgirl to deduct one item from the sale so he could pay.

      On the way out to the car, I was giggling, and Wayne asked me how I could embarrass him that way. He was seriously upset. Annoyed by his failure to appreciate the humor in the situation, I warned him that it would be a lot more embarrassing if I took his pants down and spanked him right there in the parking lot. Although he knew I couldn’t actually do that, the thought of it was enough to snap him into a submissive state. By the time we got home, his embarrassment had transformed to arousal, which had benefits for both of us in the bedroom that night.
      Danielle

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    19. Danielle, all I can say is, thank god you are married to Wayne and not to me. ;-)

      Seriously, I am a pretty profligate spender, but it tends to be on small stuff. I have a Kindle full of books I haven't read yet. And, I did drop a small fortune on A/V equipment for our basement TV and surround sound system. Yet, most of my weekend shirts are 5 year-old denim things from Kohls that have holes in the sleeves. I do pretty well financially, yet have never hired anyone to mow my yard or shine my shoes. And, when we bought new cars in the last few years, my wife decked hers out with the priciest option package, while I went with one of the cheapest. So, on finances, we are both kind of "to each his own." Within reason.

      And, like I said, the FLR aspect of this is newer to us than the DD, so who the hell knows where she may taking things over time. I may find myself handing a book back to some sales girl at the airport when I go over the $200 "allowance" limit on my new pre-paid credit card. :-)

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    20. LOL, Dan. Yes, it’s lucky for you! What is it with some of you guys and unnecessary book purchases? In our pre-FLR days, it used to drive me crazy that Wayne would buy new books when he still hadn’t read books he already had. Now that I have forced frugality on him, he has discovered the public library. ;-)

      You mentioned the idea of getting an allowance on a pre-paid credit card. I have thought of that. It would be more convenient because I wouldn’t have to get cash from an ATM for Wayne’s allowance. But I kind of like the ritual of counting out Wayne’s allowance in cash every Saturday. Am I wrong to think that my method is more humbling for a man than the more impersonal method of going online to reload his credit card would be?

      I suppose cash has one advantage for Wayne in that cash purchases leave no paper trail, so his discretionary spending is truly private. With a credit card, I guess I could be a real bitch and monitor even his discretionary spending by looking at the credit card statements. Or do you get statements with those pre-loaded cards? Something he can’t do with a cash allowance is online purchases. I like that aspect. If he wants to buy something online, he has to go through me.

      Danielle

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    21. I have to think the cash allowance is more humbling, because I think that's true of almost all interactions related to the power exchange. Another example is self-reporting bad behavior and ordering punishment. I think those are both easier to do in some remote form like a text or email, but they are more meaningful and impactful when done in person.

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    22. Danielle,
      Like Wayne, Frank is turned on by the images that illustrate this blog. But he is not allowed to masturbate, and if he does he must put that in his diary for the Friday punishment report.

      Because of his long-standing issue with spanking porn, I monitor and must approve all sites he accesses. Obviously I have approved this one, and I consider Dan's selections quite tasteful and more erotic than pornographic.
      Elizabeth

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  13. I was raised by a very strict aunt. To make sure that I toed the line, friday after school I was spanked for any and all rules of her home that I had broken. When I hit my teen years I realized that I was not the only one being punished of friday. Her husband I discovered was in total submission to my aunt. He too was spanked and in time we were spanked side by side. My aunt used anything from a brush, to a paddle, belt and for Uncle Ben a caning. In time we both were sitting on pillows the next day.
    In college I met Anna and fell in love. We married and I felt I had a partner. Spankings were a thing of the past.
    But after our boys were born, I felt neglected and began drinking and being totally selfish. I longed for the control that I had with my aunt. It was then I realized, mostly through reading i was craving female domination.
    I began going to a professional Domme. There was no sex but after I felt the same calm I used to feel after a
    punishment from myAunt.
    In marriage counseling with Anna, I confessed I went to a professional and I felt relief from that. Long story short Anna, got in touch to the domme I had gone to and she taught Anna how to punish and control me.
    As Anna has related here before, our weekly sessions soon had me being the husband she married.

    Within the last year, I began to take things for granted and Anna began moving from DD to Domination of
    me. Since the first of the year we have met two other couples who also have a marriage where the wife runs the
    show. Knowing other men who share my need for a strong woman to guide them, has made it possible for me
    to share my feelings with other men who share my need for a strong female leader. I find it easier to accept my own needs and in so doing set an example for my sons by no longer acting out for obtain the discipline I need.
    There are no longer arguments and we live in a house with order and love.

    peter

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  14. Martin here,. I am not sure where my spanking interest came from I was never spanked as a child. I felt comfortable exploring it with my wife and for a while we would play around with it. I gave her the first punishment spanking which did leave her bruised and crying. That opened the door for me to also get the same kind of spanking. Over the years we have had a lot of talks and agreed on certain guidelines. I wound up agreeing with her and she now gives me a punishment spanking when she thinks I need one. She's always enjoyed spanking me, ordering me to strip and scolding me. It may work better for her than me although it has improved my behavior and our relationship. I never have to ask for a spanking almost nothing gets by her.

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