Saturday, March 2, 2019

The Club - Meeting 287 - Bratting

“We need to understand the difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is what you do to someone; discipline is what you do for someone.” -  Zig Ziglar

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships.  I hope you had a good week. 

Mine was, as is so often the case these days, exhausting.  It was a combination of things this time.  I was fighting a cold all week.  I had bad bouts of insomnia.  And, last night, instead of going to bed to get a start on catching up on sleep over the weekend, I stayed up late watching a movie I’ve seen a hundred times.  And, yes, the movie watching followed an evening of dinner and drinks, followed by a nightcap or two at home.  Though, honestly, while it leaves me feeling bad today, in the moment it all felt like self-medicated decompression.  My weeks are so packed with activity right now, I hit Friday evening and just want to unwind fast and hard. 

But, I’m trying to face up to the fact that there are reasons, and then there are excuses.  And, the former can morph into the latter.  Moreover, sometimes even if you have very good reasons for less than optimal behavior, that bad behavior gets in the way of things you need to accomplish.  In those circumstances, even if there are justifications for the behavior, like being overwhelmed at work, you need to be held to a higher standard.  In fact, it is precisely when you are overwhelmed, treading water and in danger of going under that you need an extra dose of discipline to rise to the occasion you find yourself in.  Ideally, it would be self-imposed discipline, but some of us are  fortunate enough to be in Domestic Discipline relationships in which we are held to that higher standard when we can't seem to do it ourselves.  It's what we need, and so it is what we get.

I’ve talked about my "need" for boundaries many times, but when I think this through, “need” has two connotations. First, there is the emotional need that boundaries meet for some of us; the sense of security that for whatever reason some of us lack and that enforced boundaries can help us attain.  I'm really not "needing" discipline in that sense right now.  When I am operating at this pace, part of me actually gets off on the stress and the crazy level of busyness.  The "need" I have for boundaries right now is really external, not internal. If anything, right now I do not want to be spanked at all; the "need" I have at this moment is not an emotional yearning to be controlled.

But, I do recognize that I "need" discipline right now.  It is an externally centered "need," in the sense of something that is "required" or "necessary" for achieving an end.  I need enforced boundaries right now, because without them I am in danger of not performing at a level that is necessary for this new role I find myself in.   My response to the requirements of that role is to hit things really hard and plunge myself into it with everything I have, but without really eliminating anything I was doing before.  If  I keep at things like this, I am endangering my physical and psychological health through living too hard.  In this sense, the "need" is for discipline as something that is required or necessary to achieve some desired state--in this case performing in a more challenging environment than I have been in for a long time--while not destroying my health in the process.  

It is akin to being spanked hard for a bad report card – it’s something done out of caring and is for the recipient’s own good, regardless of whether it seems so to him at the time.  In fact, it may be the exact opposite situation of the internally felt need.  To continue the "bad grades" metaphor, I may feel perfectly fine in the moment when I am not focusing on what I need to do in order to earn a good report card and, in fact, might prefer to continue with exactly what I am doing.   But, that's short-term thinking. Those of us blessed with Disciplinary Wives get the benefit of someone making us think long-term.  

Well, enough on that for now, though I've had this nebulous idea of "tough love" as a topic on my mind for a while but haven't been able to come up with anything really concrete to explore about it. I'll keep mulling that and welcome any suggestions.

On the topic of topics, I was a little surprised by last week’s topic response, or lack thereof. I thought it was a great topic, but it didn’t seem to get much traction until the very end of the week, and not a whole lot even then.  It's the first time in a while that there were few, if any, comments the first few days it was up.  Though, it could be everyone was just busy earlier in the week. That happens sometimes. In any event, thanks to those who did weigh in and who took the time to put together actual comments responsive to the actual topic. 

Most weeks, I choose topics based on comments from the week before or based on things happening in my own life. That’s not really the case this week.  Instead, I thought of this topic a while back and put it on my list to address in the future,  because I thought some might have experience with it, even if I don’t personally.   

The subject is “bratting.”  I’m not sure I have ever encountered the verb form of “brat” outside the Dominance and Submission and DD contexts (the quote to the right is from a D/s-oriented Tumblr). But, in a nutshell, "bratting" is misbehaving intentionally in order to provoke a response or get attention. 

Bratting could take several forms, and could be a single incident or something that goes on for a long time.  It could be episodic, as in acting up on a particular occasion in order to provoke a response in that moment. Or, it could be something deeper, as in acting up frequently in order to trigger the other spouse to step up into a more dominant role. In fact, perhaps bratting could even be the impetus for the entire disciplinary relationship.  I am a reminded of a comment a few years ago by Holly, which touched on several interesting themes, including "bratting," consent, initiating the DD relationship, and mother/daughter relationships:

Calling me a bitch was what led to my husband’s first appointment with the strap. He had done it before, but my mom heard it for the first time and told me I was a fool for allowing it. There were other things going on at the time, including his general brattiness and temper tantrums when he was frustrated. It was a big change for me, because I had been determined to manage my own marriage differently than my mom had done. But over a period of time, about three years, I saw the same behavior in my husband that had gotten dad in trouble with mom. When I told him what was going to happen, he gave me almost no resistance. That makes me think he wanted me to take charge and his brattiness and tantrums were his way of asking for it. He knew how mom had run things, and I think that made him want the same thing from me. The strap transformed him into a sweet loving husband. I don't think that would have ever happened if I had not acted, or to be honest, if mom had not pushed it."

I can honestly say that I don’t think I have ever intentionally acted badly in order to get a spanking or provoke a response from Anne.  At most, there are times when I’ve caught myself in bad behavior, or felt a sense of being out of control and not really able to rein myself in, and gotten frustrated when she didn't step up or wondered why she was not literally whipping me into line. But, I don't think I have ever taken that next step of continuing or amping up the bad behavior in hopes of triggering a response.

How about you?  Is bratting something you engage in?  If so, how has that worked out for you?  Is it an example of, “be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it”?  For the Wives, do you think your husband sometimes engages in bratty behavior intentionally to get your attention or to provoke you into a strong disciplinary reaction?  If so, what do you do about that?  Is the solution to make him very sorry for both the behavior and the bratting, basically making him regret this form of "asking for it"?  Or, do you have some other method of dealing with it?  Regardless of which end of the paddle you are on, tell us all about any personal experience you all have with this bratting phenomenon.

Have a great week.

45 comments:

  1. Hi Dan
    Happy week to you. "Bratting" is behavior I probably committed with my former girlfriend, although I didn't think of it that way but to the extent I thought about it at all, it was probably pushing her to see what I could get away with. To her credit she let me know and quickly. It was something of a shakedown cruise for both of us. With my wife I have been a brat ( Tantrums, moodiness etc) but never consciously bratted hoping to be punished. She was (and is) only too willing). Also with her and the experience I then had the boundaries were much clearer. I imagine most women hate bratting and I don't blame them. It is really dishonest or worse signals something is wrong with the relationship.
    Alan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Alan. That distinction makes sense to me. Behavior that looks like bratting could just be two inexperienced people trying to learn the DD ropes.

      Delete
  2. Oh, how I detest brats and bratting!

    The man-child I was seeing before I met Shilo started out fine, and then he began to brat, maybe in hopes of getting more spankings is my guess, and I tossed him out because he required way too much energy on my part.

    Shilo's disciplinary needs and willingness/desire to change made it a joy for me. I prefer the straightforward approach to discipline. Here are the rules, we agreed on them. Follow them, or I tan your hide.

    ReplyDelete
  3. We had a discussion about this early on in the DD part of our relationship. I was made to promise that I would never misbehave deliberately to provoke a spanking, an agreement that I have stuck to. That if I felt I ‘needed’ or deserved punishment that I should simply ask! This presents the familiar conundrum which is that whilst I am keen on the idea of being spanked I get less keen as the actual event arrives.

    I have occasionally gotten around this by messaging her with the suggestion that she may like to take some discipline action, but I would only do this if I am away from the house for at least a couple hours. In each case (and there have not been many) she has said that she was going to anyway... which of course raises the possibility that I am much more transparent than I like to believe I am... TB

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi TB. That’s a good point — bratting could by a symptom of an underlying communication problem

      Delete
    2. And, like you I sometimes message her via text or email, suggesting discipline would be appropriate. Then, the second she actually orders it, I want to get out of it somehow.

      Delete
  4. I don't believe Frank has ever bratted or ever even thought to do so. Our DD relationship includes rigorous honesty with our weekly reporting.
    I do think that there is a chance that Frank has misbehaved subconsciously in order to get punishment. I think it was KD who commented a few weeks ago that he didn't understand how someone could keep getting spanked for the same things. I think habits die hard, but his subconscious need for punishment could be a factor as well. Let me explain.

    When we first established our routine, we were in a bit of a quandary on the few occasions where there was nothing on either of our lists and thus no punishment. Here he was naked and hard, and me holding a paddle. What do we next? We discussed and both rejected the idea of a reward spanking, as we felt that would detract from the true punishment nature of our DD.
    It was my idea to "take him in hand" in a different way than DD and give him a sexual reward.
    Shortly after beginning that, I did notice a slight reduction in socks on the floor and maybe a couple other repetitive misbehaviors (I don't remember which, this was years ago). But I did think at the time that possibly the promise of a reward reduced his subconscious urge to misbehave and be punished.

    To me that is not bratting, but it is a distant cousin.
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Elizabeth. I’ve seen a lot of research that indicates that the vast majority of people will do much more to avoid a “bad” outcome than to gain a “good” one even when the good and bad outcomes are designed to have equal economic value. Basically, we will do more to avoid something we perceive as bad than to get a reward in the form of something we see as good.

      For myself, while I admit it may be dysfunctional, I don’t think rewarding good behavior would serve the same psychological need for me as being held accountable for the bad behavior. And, I’m not particularly “reward” motivated.

      Delete
    2. Frank isn't reward oriented either. But it's better than nothing. He's standing there naked and hard and what am I going to say? "Ok, get dressed and we'll watch some TV." It's just such a letdown. The disappointment was all over his face.

      He craves punishment. He'll take reward. But neither? No.

      Have other husbands here experienced preparing for punishment and then receiving none? How did you handle it?
      Elizabeth

      Delete
  5. And to open a can of worms, I think bratting is more of a female phenomenon. Our culture raises us to tease men (in many ways) to get what we want (sex, money, love, security, punishment) rather than asking for it directly.
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That’s a very interesting point. There also may be the dynamic in play that if someone is submissive, or wants to be treated as a submissive, bratting may seem like a less dominant alternative than saying what you want. Speaking up for your own needs, saying what you mean directly . . . those are traits that one associates with dominant personalities whether male or female.

      Delete
    2. I'm a spanking husband who lurks here because I would secretly like my wife to turn the tables. She brats me constantly; it's practically a daily occurrence. She does it because she loves being spanked - it's a huge turn-on for her - but she also needs there to be a punishment component. So she creates that by bratting. And I find it entertaining and exciting as well. She is saucy and sassy and I love her for it.

      If I say, "What time is dinner?" She will say, "Oh, when I get around to it." Or she will change the channel on the TV when I am watching something I really want to see. Or start vacuuming and wiggling her behind in front of me. Just begging for me to smack it.

      I spanked her (over clothes) on our second date after she made a rude comment about my hair and then dared me to do something about it. And spanking definitely was part of growing our romance.

      At the time and for years since I considered myself a spanker only. But in the last few years I have wanted to release guilt and to gain the sense of relief that I believe punishment can bring. I haven't worked up the guts yet to approach her about it. I am afraid she might think less of me. And we do have a great thing going as it is.

      Anyway, I just want to say that bratting can be a whole lot of fun, and I agree that it is asking to be spanked without coming out and saying it, which can feel awkward for the spankee.
      Lurker Dan

      Delete
    3. You never know until you ask? It would be pretty surprising if she thought less of you for asking for same thing she seems to need herself.

      Delete
  6. I agree with Zig Ziglar's quote that you open with, but I would add:
    "When done correctly, punishment evokes discipline."
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
  7. I would have to say that just about every time Aunt Kay said something to the effect of "you're really asking for it" I was doing so on some level. I pretty much always denied it and she pretty much always saw through it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They do have a way of seeing through such things, don’t they?

      Delete
  8. Talk about "maternal discipline" and the lameness of trying to to deny it. It's like being the only kid in the house and still saying "I didn't do it." Duh.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dan

    I never really approached my issues about Peter's bad behavior as "Bratty behavior. It is indeed a grown man
    behaving like a bad boy! This past Frida I went ahead and spanked Peter for bad behavior and then ordered
    him to stand in the corner just to think about the premise of using bratty behavior to gain the spanking he seems to need.
    After an hour in the corner I gave him a more intense spanking that included a caning which he hates. As I
    marked his already raw behind I told him in the future punishment for bad behavior and no sign of improvement
    will lead to both spanking and a caning. I want to see improvement.
    anna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Anna. One question your comment raises that the topic suggests is, if he does brat to get a spanking, then shouldn't the reaction be some sort of punishment like corner time that he hates, but WITHOUT the spanking before or after? Otherwise, is the wife just encouraging the bratting?

      Delete
    2. Dan
      The answer to your question is this. I vary the punishments. To increase corner time as I have often done is one solution. Treadmill time is also an alternate. I will not embarrass him by revealing one or two
      other punishments which i have used that seem to be an very effective alternate.
      anna

      Delete
  10. My first though from this week's post is...yes, last week's response was slow because it was directed at the ladies making concrete statements and the rest of us asking our wives for something concrete. It is like asking "where do you want to eat dinner"...oh well...

    But back on this week's topic. Generally, in our marriage it is a "no bratting" zone. Our arrangement requires honesty and communication. If I want it just ask.

    But that brings up a question of authenticity. Most bottoms I know need it to be "real" asking is not "real". So bratting could be a way to fulfill the psychological need for it to be real...but still compromises authenticity.

    This might be where "maintenancd" comes in for some. A real spanking to keep you on track and feed the beast that needs it. Maybe if somebody is prone to bratting a better alternative might be maintenance.

    For us we do get in this spot of a need for a spanking (stress mostly) but I have done nothing wrong...because spankings are working. Sometimes she realizes and initiates and sometimes not. Then sooner or later I act out....then bratting not needed.

    I agree with an above poster that it may be more likely a female versus a Male trait to bratt. Not 100% but maybe 80/20. But for us, she has agreed to do this and I agreed to be honest and make it work...so bratting would subvert that. So not happending.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good analogy. The authenticity point also rings true for me, and it's kind of the flip side of my comment above about bratting being a less dominant option versus simply asking for what you want. As someone who does crave "real" discipline, "asking" for it would seem problematic, though I'm not sure bratting would feel any more authentic. But, it's not really much of an issue either way. When I hint or suggest that I should get one, it's almost always because I have, in fact, done something that richly deserves it, and it's the "settling up" that I need.

      Delete
  11. I see asking for it as being more ‘real’ than maintenance which to me always has an element of injustice. Asking to be punished is a recognition that there has been wrongdoings which need to be dealt with. Similar to confession. The few times I have had the courage to ask have been in some ways the most emotionally rewarding. Punishment for me helps discharge guilt. I also have the fantasy need to be spanked but probably not as hard as when it happens in reality ...! TB

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a similar reaction to “maintenance.” We experimented with it as a tool for helping enforce her authority, but it didn’t really work for either of us, and I agree that I often question whether it is fulfilling any disciplinary function or just scratching a spanko itch.

      Delete
  12. Dan,
    In regard to your opening statement, I don't understand the bad report card analogy. You are working really hard because of the demands of work, and that is resulting in danger to your physical and psychological health because you aren't letting go of some of the things that already made your life busy (you don't mention what those things are that your wife could make you let go of).
    How is that akin to a bad report card, which is almost always due to a lack of effort? You aren't lacking effort. In fact, your effort level is praiseworthy.

    I understand you saying that you need her to step in and impose some external boundaries, as a parent might when there has been a lack of effort at school. Maybe she needs to set a bedtime for you, for instance, so that you get enough sleep before the next hard work day. And punish you for not abiding by it. Maybe you can present her with a list of the behaviors that you could possibly change in order to preserve your physical and psychological health, and let her choose which ones you ARE going to change under her authority.

    But to me you are not giving yourself enough credit for your effort with the report card analogy.
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Elizabeth. The report card is definitely an imperfect analogy, but it was the best I could come up with in the moment. A better example might be something like special forces training and tryouts in the military. You can be a very accomplished operator and yet not make it through something like SEAL training, because the competition is so fierce and because the standards are so high. Another example would be one of the opening scenes in The Paper Chase, in which a professor looks at the incoming law students and tells them, “Look to your left. Look to your right. One of the three of you will be gone by the end of term.”. Or, something like that. The bottomline is sometimes we are performing at a high level, but the next level still requires to find something even stronger and tougher and more resilient. And, in the militiary example, there are really demanding sergeants who can push you to the next level, if they are tough enough and if you have it in you.

      The imposed bedtime sounds attractive, yet it would inevitably fail thanks to my chronic insomnia. It would be the equivalent of corner time, with hours spent gazing at the ceiling. But, I take your larger point. Over the weekend, I did send her a journal entry that narrowed down our list to the one item that is causing me the most problems right now and asked her to take a “no mercy” approach to that one.

      Delete
    2. But you're not going to share it?
      Elizabeth

      Delete
    3. it’s something that is very closely tied to what I do for a living, so I will take a pass on revealing it in detail, as it might in fact reveal a little more than I am willing to do publicly at this point. What I will say is, it is an administrative task that is something that I really need to keep up with on a daily basis but hate with a passion. So, I often neglect it during the week and then spend hours catching up with it on the weekends. It ends up taking up way more time than if I would just keep up with it as I go along, and it spoils what little free time I have for myself on the weekends.

      Delete
    4. I can see your wife not wanting to have to bird-dog you on a daily basis about something like this that you ought to have the self-discipline to do on your own. I would impose something draconian that I don't have to be part of, like you don't get to eat dinner until it is done each night. Something that bothers you more than doing the administrative task.
      Elizabeth

      Delete
  13. Frank and I don't go for bratting or maintenance spankings or asking for a spanking. To us, a DD relationship is about punishment. If he has done nothing wrong, he does not NEED to be spanked. He may still WANT to be spanked - and bratting, maintenance, and asking for it are all ways to fulfill that desire, that WANT. But if we are basing our DD on misbehavior, then I say TOO BAD to his WANT. If he doesn't need a spanking in the judgment of his disciplinarian, he ain't getting one!
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You and I would get along perfectly in real life. This is pretty close to my own perspective. Though, I also admit that it’s easy for me to say since I don’t really have a need or a want for spanking outside of the accountability/penance context

      Delete
  14. I hope I don't do this! The one time my wife and I covered this brief subject, we found our views are in alignment: - if I am indulging in this sort of behaviour, it risks causing the system to become non-functional.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Bratty. Of course it’s what I do. Dev is entertained by my practical jokes and all is good but sometimes I cross the line and say something that sets her off. I said something s few weeks that upset her. I asked what was wrong and she said we will “ discuss it later “ My antics are just for fun but I get carried away. After reading your post this week , I asked her the other day how she feels while giving a spanking ? She said the vast majority of time that she is totally good with it and something that needs done from time to time. When we were having issues she said she knew she had to make it something one had to remember for a long time. She didn’t like doing it that way but knew it was necessary. She did say in those situations “ this hurts me as much as you “. We’ve only been out to the “ woodshed “ a few times over the years and those were the hardest ones ever given. Yes , she is angry as hell but I can tell she gives it out of love. The redeeming factor is that when it’s done all is forgiven and forgotten.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Because I have to do all the household chores, it does not stay that I do not always do this to the satisfaction of my wife. Also, sometimes I forget to do some of my duties. From the beginning of our marriage, my strict wife bought a large wooden spoon, several canes and a carpet beater. From the beginning of our marriage, my strict wife bought a large wooden spoon, several canes and a carpet beater. These serve my punishment, namely the spanking on my bare bottom, when she is not satisfied with something or with me. Because it happens mostly happens several times a week that I will severely spank, I do not need any pretense to be chastised. On the contrary, I try to obey her and make my household chores correct! Sorry for my bad English, I'm from Germany. strictpunishedhubby

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi Dan,
    Good topic as always!

    As others have said, I too mostly think of bratting as being more of a female thing, but I guess it wouldn’t have to be that way.

    For me, bratting is when you the sub is intentionally trying to push the dominant partner’s buttons to provoke him/her and cause a punishment to happen. While I can see how it might be a fun game for some, I would never do this, since it doesn’t seem to be in the spirit of our relationship. But if it works for them then great, I am happy for them! Every relationship is different, so who am I to say what should or shouldn’t be for anyone else?

    Although I would never intentionally try to push her buttons to provoke a punishment, I AM very inclined to test boundaries, simply because it is a fundamental part of my personality to leave no boundary untested and no limit unexceeded. Some might mistake this for bratting, but for me the critical difference is in attitude and intentions.

    In the same way, I might not complete something that she has instructed me to do, in full awareness that it is risking punishment, but if I do so, it is because because of my forgetfulness, laziness, and/or poor planning, not because I want her to punish me. In fact, as I have said before, because our punishments are very real and even more because I hate the feeling of having disappointed her, I never actually want punishments when they do come.

    On a different note, your comments preceding the “bratting” discussion REALLY resonated with me, Dan. Since the beginning of this year, I have been crazy busy and I keep hoping that she will not punish me for falling short of expectations, because it just seems so incredibly unfair to not consider how hard I am working and how impossible the circumstances are!

    However, as I read what you wrote, I realized that it is exactly at times like this that I most NEED discipline; the only possible way of climbing out of this situation is by executing perfectly day in and day out, which my general lack of self discipline guarantees won’t happen (at least on my own) or I wouldn’t probably be in this place! In other words, when she sees that I am struggling under a heavy load, her first instinct might be to be merciful to me and cut me a break, but by doing so she would be doing me a disservice. Instead, when she sees that I have an impossible load, that is the time that she might need to break out her paddles and canes regularly to keep me super motivated and on task. If she does this, she might just help me to overcome so I finally get some true rest and relaxation.

    We started down the long-term boot camp road, but we essentially stopped because of just how hard I was already working and it all seemed unfair and pointless. The new insight I had from your writing this week makes it clear that our response was exactly opposite of what we should have done. And in fact, as I look back at the past few months (and for that matter the year before that), I can see that we would be in a much, much better place if she would keep cracking the whip, whether I want it or not.

    -ZM

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I AM very inclined to test boundaries, simply because it is a fundamental part of my personality to leave no boundary untested and no limit unexceeded."

      There are times I wonder whether you and I are twins separated at birth.

      Delete
  18. I wonder if there may be other motivations for what is being called “bratting”, aside from motivating a disciplinarian into action; to “scratch the spanking itch” as someone described it.

    Most of us have at some point acknowledged the warm, safe, feelings that often accompany disciplinary action. But is it possible that there is an underlying urge, need, search for a therapeutic result?

    Many, if not most, therapies are about experiencing or re-experiencing something that triggers thoughts and emotions that can be examined with the goal of gaining insights that can be used to heal – to free one from more or less involuntary reactions and feelings. This freedom comes from important insights; “aha’s” that may light a new path. For example, Psychodrama - a technique that was popular thirty or forty years ago (an edited definition is at the end of this comment).

    So I’m suggesting that one possible reason for bratting could be the wish/need to access a past experience, or even a past craving for experiences (spankings) needed but not experienced, in order to free one’s self from them by bringing them fully into the light of understanding.

    Just to be crystal clear – I am not in any way attempting to pathologize our spanking needs and desires and fascination. I’m just offering a possible angle, viewpoint, for where some of that deeper drive may come from. Below is an abbreviated and deeply edited version of the definition of Psychodrama on Wiki – just to give you the flavor – look it up if you are interested.


    In psychodrama, participants explore internal conflicts by acting out their emotions and interpersonal interactions on stage. A psychodrama session focuses principally on a single participant, known as the protagonist. ….The session is often broken up into three phases - the warm-up, the action, and the post-discussion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great points, though I am willing to pathologize this need for discipline a bit. Jane over at the Taming of the Shrew blog has characterized these needs as reflecting a "disordered" personality. I might use the word "unbalanced," but I think she and I are getting at the same thing. I realize that my need for discipline reflects, on some level, a correction mechanism that "normal" men don't seem to need. And, I am willing to admit that there is some dysfunction involved, as reflected in the fact that on those occasions when I have made real progress on things like meditation and feel more centered and content, my desire for DD drops significantly. So, I don't really have a problem admitting that DD is, for me, medicating a pathology. But, that's fine. People have all sorts of pathologies and spanking seems like relatively benign treatment in the scheme of things.

      Delete
  19. After a particularly intense session, with severe punishment taken well and promises of improvement, I often will cuddle with Frank, providing the warm and safe atmosphere you describe. That loving can be therapeutic, and I could see someone bratting to obtain it (if they could not get it in a less-painful manner).

    We see it as just one of the many ways that DD brings us closer together. We are not looking for spanking to be therapeutic, however, and are not looking to free ourselves of anything. We are quite content just as we are, including our weekly sessions.
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
  20. A possible topic: How has spanking changed your relationship with your spanking partner? And are there ways you expected it to change that have not transpired? Similarly, how has spanking changed your life outside of your relationship with your spanking partner? And are there ways you expected your life to change that have not transpired?
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elizabeth,

      Spanking was the thing that first showed me to understand the depth of trust I could have with her. That and her generosity in being willing to explore the lifestyle. Granted Aunt Kay took right to it. But that doesn't diminish her basic generosity one bit.

      I don't know if that "changed" the relationship becuase it was a new one. But it was a big part of the foundation for the greatest love of my life.

      Delete
    2. Hi Elizabeth,
      Much like Tomy and Aunt Kay, we incorporated DD into our relationship from the beginning, or at least we were talking about it very early when we started going out. Consequently, I can't really say how it changed the relationship, but I can say that it helped to build a relationship much stronger and more intimate than I even imagined might exist.

      As far as outside our relationship, it has helped me to become more productive, which is a major goal. At the same time, we have never had enough consistency for a long enough period to see just how profoundly DD might change things (as I talked about briefly in my comment earlier). Hopefully, we can ramp it up a notch or two and keep it there long enough to really see some results.

      You didn't ask this, but since I am saying what was different than I expected, I would also say that I like and want the spankings a lot less than I thought I would, but at the same time, they are somehow also satisfy a need that goes deeper than I really understood before.

      -ZM

      Delete
  21. Hi Dan,
    Regarding lack of response on last week's topic, I have no idea for others situations, but at least for me it was a combination of being too busy, and feeling like it was yet another "history" related subject (as KD mentioned the week before about the road being "worn smooth"), so even had I had time I didn't really have much to write that I hadn't written about before anyway. So in the end, I commented but only briefly...

    BTW, I hope that didn't come across as being critical of the topic, because it was a good topic, but perhaps just one that a lot of people had written about in one way or another before, and something that might not have changed all that much since then. I know it is hard to come up with compelling topics week in and week out, but you do a great job! Thanks for all you do!

    -ZM

    ReplyDelete

This blog is a curated resource for those genuinely and positively interested in DD and FLR lifestyles. Comments that are rude, uncivil, inconsistent with the blog's theme or off-topic may not be posted or may be removed.