Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships. I hope you all had a good week. Mine was wearing. While my interest in DD seems to be making a bit of a comeback, my time for it or practical ability to engage in it hasn't. It was truly just an exhausting week, culminating in me directing a mini-tirade at someone at work. It is debatable whether the person did or did not have it coming, and I wasn't totally over the line vicious, but I definitely let my temper get the better of me. I think everyone understood that I was just exhausted and frustrated, but still . . . . I know Peter had a somewhat similar problem recently involving an enforced apology to someone he had been rude to, and I welcome him to share more about that if he desires. In this case, my wife won't have to require the apology, let alone paddle or strap one out of me. The person is a friend, I feel bad about it, and our relationship is larger than this one incident. Hence, the above quote. So, I will apologize and probably buy him a bottle of good booze.
I'm also sorry I didn't get to all the comments this week. As discussed, the week got really crazy at the end, I just couldn't keep up with everything, and I have made a more or less conscious decision that when I have 20 things to get to on my to-do list but time for only 19, anything related to blogging is going to be a very strong candidate to fall off the list. But, I did feel like there was some good commenting going on, some of it subtly intertwined. There was some discussion both on the blog and in some side conversations about whether the whole topic from last week was an exercise in "topping from the bottom." As I've said, it's a concept I just don't like, which I think has been artificially imported from BDSM world and that is dangerous and downright destructive in many DD relationships where the emphasis should be on frequent and open communication. Now, I'm not saying it has no application to DD, and I can think of at least one example that has come up here with someone showing a repeated pattern of insisting on DD, telling his wife how it should be done, then undermining her repeatedly when she actually did it. That IS a problem. On balance, however, the concept just seems to have more potential for harm than good in most relationships. But, as I said to a good friend on the blog who feels differently, we can sometimes agree to disagree.
One comment did bring up an interestingly related issue, however. ZM observed: "I had to be especially careful at first because all this was very new to her, while I had been thinking about it and reading about it for much of my life. Consequently, it was a fine line between giving her pointers so she would learn how to safely and effectively discipline me, but at the same time not making her feel disempowered or micromanaged." It does seem to be the case that men are just more mentally into DD than their partners, and I do think that once we decide we want this, it seems to become more pervasive for us than for them. Though, based on some time I've spent hanging out on JGirl's A Shrew Tamed blog, I'm starting to wonder whether it is really a male/female thing, rather than a "bottom" and "top" kind of thing, where for whatever reason the person who wants discipline has a compelling need for it, while the "top" or disciplinarian may see a value in it but doesn't have a "need" for it, at least not in the same way or to the same degree. If you don't believe that is the dynamic, take a look at these stark results from a recent poll, where I asked (in a follow-up to a poll from a couple of years ago), who initiated the DD relationship, the disciplinary giver or the receiver:
The disciplinary spouse (the spanker) initiated the DD aspect of the relationship
Pretty stark difference, right? Although these polls always have a very limited set of respondents, those results are pretty hard to quibble with, and I think they reflect most of the experiences related here and in other DD-related discussion groups. It is almost always--not 100% of the time but almost--the disciplined party who initiates, which is even more fascinating when you think about two other aspects of these relationships. First, and somewhat obviously, getting spanked by someone who is motivated to do it, knows what she is doing, and is using the right tool -- HURTS! Yet, it is the disciplined party who wants it. Second, if you read DD-oriented spanking stories, the most common fantasy scenario seems to be the wife getting fed up with bad behavior and imposing the DD relationship on a reluctant husband. I'm not sure whether I've come across another area in which the gap between the fantasy and the reality is quite so stark. And, all this plays into the whole "topping from the bottom" thing, because it's clear the "bottoms" are mentally into the whole thing, want it to work well, and think about it so much that they probably do put way more time and energy than their "tops" in figuring out things that might make it work better.
As for this week's topic, it also comes from one of the commenters. The Glenmore (not sure how he likes to be addressed) observed: "I find women like to be empowered, or empower themselves, in areas where they feel strongly about and wish to be in charge of." Pretty commonsensical, right? The Disciplinarian in these relationships is more likely to punish for things that she sees as a problem, whether he does or not. Conversely, she is less likely to punish him for things she doesn't care about, even if he sees the behavior as a problem and wants help correcting it.
In your relationship, does it actually work that way? I find all sorts of things in life would seem to work in one way but actually don't. For us, it's kind of yes, kind of no. For a long time, she tended to spank for, and only for, those things that we had mutually agreed would be spankable. But, even then she definitely was more prone to spank for some of those things than for others. More recently, I think she is starting to get more comfortable spanking for things that do really piss her off, like displays of disrespect or temper, but mainly to the extent they are directed at her. While I see things like this week's temper tantrum at work as a problem, she agrees but is much less prone to do anything about it than had I directed a similar tantrum directly at her.
Conversely, the #1 thing I get spanked for is over-indulging on alcohol, usually in the work setting. I do agree that it is a problem, and I'm probably the one who really initiated being spanked for it, but I also know that my heart often is not in it. I "think" it is a punishable offense, but I don't "feel" it. Part of me just enjoys the social aspect too much to really ever give it up, and I also just see it as part of the culture I work in, and to some extent that should be OK. But, she does see it as a problem, and she feels it does impact her, so as long as we are in a DD relationship, I have no doubt I will get spanked for it. We also have set up rules for things like work-related behaviors and personal goals, but those seldom do get punished, again I think because they don't have a very immediate impact on her.
How does it work for you? Are there areas that you think you should be punished for, or punished for more severely, and she just isn't into it? Or, are there things she sees as big problems and deals with severely, but you really don't agree that they are problems or need fixing?
Have a great week.