Saturday, September 16, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 221 - Waxing and Waning

Life changes in the instant.  The ordinary instant. - Joan Didion

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led Relationships.

Thanks for your patience during my two-week pause.  Two almost became three, as I really wasn't very interested in posting this week either, but I decided I didn't want to seem like a tease. It's been a weird couple of weeks where DD is concerned.  This will be hard to explain, as I don't want to give a lot of personal details.  It would be too easy for anyone who knows me and happens to read this blog to put two and two together . . .  But, in a nutshell, I've known for a while that there was going to be an event taking place that was going to be, at least on a temporary basis (temporary being several weeks or a few months), an interruption in my routine.  Kind of a forced slowing down in some areas, requiring at least some temporary life-style changes.  I knew in general when it was going to happen and was making some plans around that.  Then, a scheduling change occurred, and the the event happened a few weeks ahead of schedule.

As I said, I knew this was going to force some lifestyle changes, if only on a temporary basis, and I was actually kind of looking forward to aspects of it, thinking of some "before" and "after" effects I would like to bring about.  In truth, this year has seemed like a rut from the start, and in some ways it's a rut I've been in for more than a year.  Kind of like the movie Groundhog Day.  I want to change for the better.  I want the situation around me to change.  Yet, I wake up in the same place every morning, and I just don't seem to have the ability to change things much.  So, I was expecting at least some change and, while I knew the event itself wasn't going to be pleasant, I was actually kind of looking forward to some forced redirection in my life.  

What I didn't expect was to come out on the other side of it, and it wasn't like I needed to think about changing my attitude to support my new circumstances.  Instead, in a few areas, I just didn't care.  Weirdly, DD and FLR being at the top of the list.  For example, one of those ruts I've been in has been spending too much time on DD and FLR-related blogs and Tumblrs.  All of a sudden, I just didn't care.  It was like when I see golf on TV.  I never, ever watch it because I just have zero interest in it.  That's what it felt like looking at things like Tumblrs with FLR and spanking-related captions.  Just didn't do anything for me.  And, that is very much where I was last week when it came to writing this blog.  I had a sequence of posts planned in my head, so it wasn't writer's block or lacking for a topic.  I just wasn't interested enough in the topic to sit down and write about it for an hour.  It was like an alcoholic waking up and one day and having no interest in having a drink. 

This was not, by the way, like what our KD Pierre was going through last year, when he said he was going through a major life stressor that left him resistant to being punished.  If anything, this is kind of the opposite.  I have been feeling less stress for the last couple of weeks than is normally the case.  Which could be part of the explanation.  I've always known that part of the attraction to DD was giving up some control in the midst of an otherwise controlling existence.  But, the interest level dropped so suddenly, like someone flipping a light switch.  And, even as work stress has resumed, the interest in DD and FLR really hasn't.  Now, one area in which it was a little like what KD described is I suddenly was in no mood to be bossed around.  Part of the event in question involved being told a lot of things I had to do or couldn't do, and I was in no mood for more of that on the home front.  Which makes any kind of FLR dynamic difficult, to say the least.

It is a little disconcerting, going through something that shows how little control we sometimes have over our own interests and attitudes.  I don't know why I am really surprised though, since I am one of the few in this group who had no interest at all in spanking, and then suddenly did after encountering one specific stimulus.  That is how this feels, but in reverse.  I do suspect that it's temporary, as there were some other things I lost interest in, and I can feel the taste for them coming back a little.  And, in any event, DD has had a positive impact on my relationship with my wife and on her personal growth, and I wouldn't want to lose that.  On the FLR front, however, I wonder if this will prove to be more of a permanent change.  I was already getting some signals from the universe that this whole learning to be more submissive thing just is not who I am.  I could see going back to something a lot more like Fred describes as his relationship, where DD is something that is used to deal with specific offenses, then life goes on as normal.  We'll see.

Has DD or FLR been like that for any of you?  Have there been periods where you just lost interest? Was there anything specific that caused the lack of interest or that caused it to come back?

 

34 comments:

  1. Well you know it has for me.....and oddly, even with a diminished stress level, after a bit of a crazy active period, Rosa and I are in another lull as well. And I too have little interest in the BDSM topics that usually motivate me, (DD included). If you look at my blog, a lot of recent posts centered on the RenFaire. And now that it's over, I'm already working on some new things for Halloween. Not only am I not feeling FLR-y....I'm not even feeling very sexual in any way, and neither is Rosa. But that's a cycle that happens.

    To try to break out a little, I FINALLY made reservations for a short weekend getaway for just me and Rosa. We are gong to stay at a Federal Period Bed & Breakfast and visit local caves and caverns during the day. I think it's what we need right now more than DD.

    The thing is, I still like having the blog to post stuff even if it's on other subjects and I think I would like to see more of that in the other blogs I visit. I guess I feel like the whole DD/spanking thing is great, but so is lobster.......yet I wouldn't want to eat lobster every day for 3 years. I actually find myself seeing some comments or captions on the spanking lifestyle and find myself thinking, "alright already!I get it. Spanking is a cool topic.....but enough. Doesn't anyone have anything else to talk about?"

    Of course, this isn't fair because a spanking or DD blog is naturally going to focus on that, but like you, I just want a break from the topic.....but not a break from interactions with like minded people on OTHER topics.

    Anyway, I hope you muddle through all this and I'm sure you will. Everything is cyclical anyway, so who knows? In a couple of weeks or months you might be posting feverishly with great new ideas. I guess the same might be true for me....but in the meantime? I have a werewolf to finish. ;-)

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    1. Yes, you and I seem to be in a very similar place. In addition to my DD interest being down, my sexual interest is also generally down. Or, at least it is in terms of having any interest in reading about it, seeing depictions of it, talking about it, etc.

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  2. I completely understand what you and KD are going through. My/our catalyst was my accident and (too long) recovery. Also as a result, sex is a very distant memory. I want it, but between the heat and my lack of energy, it's not happening. I was reminded by Shilo that it last took place in early March, just before we moved.

    Thursday was our 4 year wedding anniversary, so tonight is dinner, but I also convinced Shilo that what we need is a honeymoon. We never had one because there was no time, so we leave Friday morning and return on Monday night. Our planned destination is Solvang and its surrounding areas. I'm rather excited because other than driving to Las Vegas for our wedding, we've never taken a road trip together. We're leaving Stitch home to care for our "zoo" but I'm sure there will be a trip with him sometime in the future.

    I'm hoping to go places and see things and have fun, but also maybe have some sex thrown in. I see all this as a natural part if the cycle in a relationship, and I do my best to not allow distress to get in the way. It's the best I can do.

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    1. Hi Merry. In March, huh? When I said my libido was down, I was whining about two weeks. :-)

      I hope you have a great time on the honeymoon. Sounds like a fun trip.

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    2. Feel better now my dear?

      Thank you!

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    3. Good reminder that everything is relative. :-)

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    4. How do you find carrying out DD habits when you are on holiday Merry? Do you find it easier? Or harder? Or about the same?

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    5. I always travel with at least one paddle, sometimes more so there isn't an issue.

      The real problem is desire. Will we want to do it?

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  3. Hi Dan. I thought I was the only one with those feelings. Yes. I do understand. Dev and I have been at this for 28 years. There are times when being over her knee will totally consume me and a few times a year when there's no or little desire at all. The frequency of the event has diminished over the years but eventually the fire returns.

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  4. Not happened to us yet. My wife spanking me is a very intimate act and I wouldn't want to lose the intimacy that comes with this.

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    1. Hello Anonymous!

      You wrote:
      My wife spanking me is a very intimate act and I wouldn't want to lose the intimacy that comes with this.

      What you might not understand is that the vast majority of us in a FLR-DD relationship don't like the idea of "losing the intimacy that comes with it" but life and other situations will sometimes get in the way of our relationships and it will get put on the back burner.

      If that never happens to you and your wife, count yourself as being blessed, because it's a rare thing indeed. If and when you experience those moments that the rest of us have written about, don't feel sad, or that your relationship is failing, just take care of whatever is in the way, and then take some "us time" and work on what needs fixing.


      Merry

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    2. I am cognizant of that: - I am not assuming any couple would intentionally want to lose intimacy! I am aware that sometimes, intimacy disappears either through complete accident or people making one bad decision at a time.

      We made a conscious decision when we got married a few years ago (admittedly, I have not been married as long as some people here) that she would spank me every evening before coitus whatever we were feeling, i.e. any negative feelings she had regarding me would be dealt with via the spanking and that would be the end of the matter.

      Admittedly, it takes some work to ensure this happens. From the beginning, our children have slept in their own rooms and when on holiday, it is not always easy to find private spaces. However, I can definitely say all this effort is worth it!

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  5. My way of looking at the "Waxing and Waning" of enthusiasm for the disciplinary element of a relationship is that it's just life. Everything has it's rhythm, it's ebbs and flows, it's evolution.

    I have long suspected that there is a correlation between what I can only call my "core life force" and my "enthusiasm" for the DWC component of my life. So for me, if I am not feeling all that great, perhaps exhausted by stress or something like that, I just have enough energy for the very basics.

    And there have been times, however brief, over the years when I truly doubted the whole DWC thing and thought it was "over." All I can say is that it always regenerated as part of my life and part of who I am.

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    1. Hi Tomy. I have that correlation going on too, though it tends to go in the opposite direction. When I am the most zen-like and feeling the least stress, I tend not to feel as much need for DD. When I am stressed, I tend to have at least some desire to give up some control.

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  6. Agreed, consistency is definitely the name of the game when it comes to minimising the ebbs and flows, say if DD is done every evening.

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  7. Dan
    We are all influenced by outside forces. I am aware that when Peter is under pressure at work there is an ebb. Recently Peter was under great pressure in his work life. At the same time his oldest and closest buddy was in a very serious traffic accident. Add that to just the daily stresses and the insane world we live in. Is it any wonder? These moments I try to be as loving and understanding. Often that means leaving him alone.
    I sense that this blog is a great stress on you. The topic itself is a stress I would imagine. I will say to you what I say to Peter .... BREATHE, JUST BREATHE!
    ANNA

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    1. Hi Anna. Breathing is definitely important, on all sorts of levels! Something I think your comment serves to emphasize is DD probably works best within existing relationships, where the parties have a good feel for each others' ebbs and flows.

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  8. To all: On the flip side, I feel our relationship is growing. Just over 10 years old, I was afraid some of the same conditions you all speak of would affect us. Thankfully, it did not happen. I find her reading more books on domination and spanking and various aspects of them. We recently enjoyed a 3 day weekend with another couple where both he and I were spanked throughout the weekend. However, I do understand the conditions felt by some of the group here and I do believe a short recess just may be the cure for some of you. Enjoy the ride, whatever it may bring. Not advertising, but my blog here on Blogger, details my ongoing maintenance spankings. Fine it under Maintenance Day.

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  9. Just as a leopard can't change its spots, an alpha male, who is in a leadership position and supervises many employees, and is the leader of this blog's discussion cannot do a 180 degree turn in his family life. I think if you are this person, you are not going to be happy taking orders from your wife. On the other hand, as an alpha male, you realize that you can get out of control at times and knowingly do things you know are wrong, often doing it to the woman you love and married. You know being out of control has to stop. Your wife married you (Dan) and lived with you for many years before you came across the DWC on the internet. I'm sure, for the most part, she knew she married an alpha male and although you may have behaved badly during your marriage on occasion, she accepted you as you were. Otherwise she would have divorced you. From your description of your wife, she does not appear to be an alpha female and you have been trying to make her one via experimenting with FLR. Why? If she became an alpha female, your ingrained personality wouldn't like it.
    Your wife doesn't have to be an alpha female to agree to spank the hell out of you when you get out of control and misbehave if she knows you really want to improve your behavior, and you are trying to improve. She knows you want to be corrected and she wants to help you do it, and if giving you a very unpleasant spanking will do that, she will be on board. Admittedly some wives will never agree to do that, but your wife has already proven she will.
    Bottom line, I don't think you can change your spots, but you can improve areas you want to improve if your wife will agree to help you do it. Your wife doesn't have to be your boss, and probably doesn't want to be, but will help you (and if she's mad enough with your bad behavior), help you with "gusto" .
    That's the way we have lived the past 18 years, and as I've said, I've improved about 95% and we are both happier as a result.
    Others who are more submissive personalities I have no doubt FLR's work well. Others may just like being spanked. Others may just want a strict wife. For them, whatever works is great. I just don't think a FLR works for the dominant male lifetime leader. But if you are that dominant male, and you know you have faults that need correction, and if you don't like punishment spankings and want to avoid them, and your wife sees the benefit of improvement from you, DD can work and work well. Good luck.

    Fred

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    1. Hi Fred, this is more or less how it works with us. I am definitely the alpha male, but she gives correction without compromising my alpha male status.

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    2. Hi Fred. I can't dispute any of the above with maybe one exception. My wife kind of days want to be my boss, hence her really enjoying some aspects of an FLR. But, it isn't her natural state. I come back to thinking that for me DD is, and has always been, about bringing things into better balance. Building her up while taking me down a peg or three. But, I do think that it may have been a mistake to make that more pervasive, more formal, etc. And, I definitely agree that an FLR is obviously a hell of a lot "easier," where she is a natural Domme and he is and truly wants to be submissive.

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    3. I'm pretty sure I am a Theta Male

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    4. Not an omega male?

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  10. Dan, I think that Fred and others have already hit many of the salient points, and I'm sure you already know that this happens to all of us (well, most of us, let's say). The stress factor is important, as is the vagary of libido (Can we admit that the spanking is a form of sex or at least originally tied to a sexual desire?) Waxing and waning of interest in DD or FLR is the perfect title. Perfectly normal to have these periods; they will increase in frequency as age advances. In your case, it might feel even more pronounced because you are trying to lead your own blog on this very topic and your temporary waning interest is being played out publically. As each Saturday approaches and you have to muster up interest in a new topic, it must be quite difficult if you are just not feeling it. Your supporters understand, and will be here regardless.

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    1. Hi Strap51, and thanks for the kind of thoughts. I agree that the waxing and waning is inevitable in longer term relationships, but the odd thing here is just how abrupt it was. Literally like someone flipped of a light switch. And, while my libido is down as well, I think that has more to do with being really sleep deprived and just not having much energy. The lack of DD doesn't seem to really be about energy. It's more like someone who really used to like candy and one day woke up and just didn't have a taste for it anymore. It will probably recover, and I'm not quite as dead to it as I was earlier in the week. Just still puzzling that it just went "poof" so suddenly and so totally.

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  11. I have not found it like waking up and not liking candy any more. But I have thought that was what happened a few times. But I think our emotional wiring is pretty well configured by now and that soon enough everything returns to our normal. Oh and I totally celebrate "our normal". It has given me a happiness in life I did not expect.

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  12. Dan
    Anna's Peter here ! Sometimes when I feel as you are describing the best solution is to
    accept the discipline and if necessary ask for it. These are my feelings alone. I do know
    two days ago I finally broke down and asked. As I write this I am standing at my desk.
    I confess I feel better.Very sore but emotionally better.
    Peter

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    1. Hi Peter. Good to hear from you. I'll refer to this a little more in the post for tomorrow, but it's hard to ask for it when (a) you just aren't interested; and (b) you are in some fairly Alpha headspace. Both of which apply to me right now. But, I'm sure things will work out at some point. I do feel some interest returning, but it may be a while before reality catches up. In addition to the other issues, I'm also having a back problem that may make DD impossible for a few weeks. But, we shall see . . .

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  13. Hi Dan,

    Like most I have gotten into these funks but I will mention one other possible explanation for it and that is resistance ( mostly unconscious) when she really does take control, you really do start to get spanked seriously and it really starts to work especially stopping or inhibiting things you like to do or even are part of your personal identity. I have gone through this with both women who have controlled me and it masks itself as sort of an apathy toward DD but for me it was the beginning of pretty radical behavior change as a result of discipline. My interest in DD was even stronger when I worked through it but at one point if she had agreed I might have stopped

    Alan

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    1. Hi Alan. It's good to hear from you. That's a great point, and I have experienced something like it before, though maybe not to the extent you describe. It's not the source of my current dip, but I have no doubt it could play out that way if she becomes more consistent. Your observation about being forced to stop something that is part of your personal identity really does resonate for me now, even if it's not the root cause of my current attitude, but it is a little different. It's not so much her inhibiting aspects of my identity (though there is some of that), it's that life is reinforcing some of those more Alpha identity elements in positive ways right now, making more more doubtful about the value or necessity of changing them.

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    2. Dan
      That's one reason I believe the alpha male is really looking for DD within the relationship rather than moving toward the FLR style of relationship. My wife doesn't want me to stop being alpha and aggressive outside but does want me to obey her at home and not do self destructive thing to my self or to the relationship.The Male/Female proponents have largely taken over the term " domestic discipline" but that more than anything is the relationship I am in rather than an FLR.
      I don't need to stop being alpha ( as if I could) or leading in areas I excel. But I do need to obey her at home, work on our relationship and accept punishment and correction when she decides its necessary. Somehow it all works. But it's really not an FLR.
      Alan

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