The Club - Meeting 461 - Tools on Display

“But that intimacy of mutual embarrassment, in which each feels that the other is feeling something, having once existed, its effect is not to be done away with.” - George Eliot

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to extend a specific invitation to any of our female readers, if they still exist, to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. While I’ve always said the blog is open to both men and women, one of our commenters suggested I expressly invite our female readers to join the discussion.  Please consider the invitation enthusiastically extended.

 

I hope you all had a great holiday season. If responses to my New Years post was any indication, most of you were occupied with better things. That post usually draws a lukewarm response, at best, but this year may represent a new low. 

 

In any event . . . onward into 2024.

 

Well, one last thing regarding aspirations for the new year.  After the New Years post, I saw this, which of the captions and artwork in my “New Years resolutions” collection, probably best represents my views about what the new year should hold for our domestic discipline arrangement. 

 

 

No big new rules. Rather, a stricter application of the existing rules coupled with less tolerance for my efforts to get out of what I have richly earned.  I also liked the reference to how having rules makes me feel like my life is more under conrol . . . even if it is really all about someone else’s control.

 

Now, let’s get right to the first topic of 2024.  I find myself not much more inspired than I was at the end of 2023, so I must again rely on one of your suggestions, specifically this one from GH:

“I also have a suggestion for a possible future topic arising from last week’s discussion. There was some discussion of the possibility of house guests spotting spanking implements like large hairbrushes with no hair in the bristles and possibly drawing conclusions. Spanked Cowboy said that in his case the person would not have to draw conclusions because his wife keeps an actual spanking paddle hanging on the wall, and a smaller one in her purse, and there would be no doubt about their purpose. I wanted to ask Spanked Cowboy whether that open display of a spanking paddle means that their family and friends all know his wife spanks him, but I was late getting to it. That suggested to me a possible “what if” topic for everyone. What if guests, whether family or friends, came to your house and spotted a spanking paddle, either displayed on purpose or left out accidentally. What conclusions do you suppose they would draw based on their familiarity with you and your wife? Would they conclude it was just a kinky toy, or would they surmise it was for serious DD? Also, if they guessed that it was for real DD, would they know whether you or your wife was the one who gets spanked, based on public aspects of your relationship? Just an idea.”

 

Alan and Spanked Cowboy were the only ones who gave substantive responses, and others may not have seen them over the holidays. 

 

SC: I too am late responding to you. Some of our friends know of our lifestyle and have accepted it, others do not know. None of my family knows for sure, but I think one brother has an idea. All her family knows, some have witnessed and her late sister-in-law actually spanked me herself. We do not broadcast our FLR but if anyone, family or friends, should 'discover' it, I do my best to explain the benefits of an FLR and DD living. I am a spanked male submissive and not ashamed of it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all.

 

Alan: “GH wrote: "Also, if they guessed that it was for real DD, would they know whether you or your wife was the one who gets spanked"

 

Almost certainly they would guess it was her, despite the fact that she is very assertive, confident and has a very successful career managing large numbers of people.

 

And that they would, points to the huge reality gap between what women actually do or can do --and what our patriarchy obsessed culture expects. This cultural " fairy tale" probably also contributes to the relatively low percentage of males who actually seek female led DD, as opposed to the apparently enormous numbers who fantasize about female led DD.

 

Here are my own answers.

 

“Would they conclude it was just a kinky toy, or would they surmise it was for serious DD?” 

 

Although there is no way to know, my best guess is they would assume it was a kinky toy, not because of anything they know about our particular relationship but, rather, simply because I’m not sure how many people out there even realize that “serious DD” is a thing.  Until I stumbled on the Disciplinary Wives Club, I’d never heard of “real” adult corporal punishment, and I doubt that many others are aware of it today. 

In fact, when I was growing up, I'm sure if someone saw a paddle left out or hanging on a wall, no one would have assumed it was used on either parent but, rather, by them on misbehaving juvenile bottoms.

“If they guessed that it was for real DD, would they know whether you or your wife was the one who gets spanked, based on public aspects of your relationship?”

 

This one depends a lot on the identity of the guest.  I suspect that many of our friends might have a hard time envisioning me on the receiving end, because the same brashness that gets me into trouble with Anne probably would lead them to assume that if there were a dominant partner in the relationship it would be me.  I’m not as sure as Alan is about whether patriarchal societal views would come into play to such an extent that guests who didn’t know our personalities that well would simply assume the husband was the spanker.  If they did, it might simply be because so many of the spanking scenarios depicted in popular culture and porn are, in fact, Male/female.

 

 

With close family members, particularly our adult kids, it’s much more likely they might see Anne as the disciplinarian.  Our kids have, on at least one occasion, expressed some curiosity about the fact that she seems to make more of the decisions. I was working at the time, and she told them that I carried so much responsibility at work that I didn’t like having to make a lot of decisions at home.  So, they clearly have noticed that, from time to time, our relationship seems to be a little untraditionally tilted in her favor.

 

GH’s topic suggestion was well-timed, as a more subtle version of his scenario did, in fact, play out for us over the holidays.  I’ve talked before about how, beginning a year or two ago, Anne started leaving her bath brush and heavy ebony hairbrush out on the counter in our master bath.  It’s always been unlikely that social guests might see them but not entirely likely that one of our adult kids might go into that bathroom. 

 

Well, sure enough, while they were visiting us over the holidays I went into the master bedroom and found Anne and one of the kids chatting in the master bathroom.  Ordinarily, the counter can be more than little cluttered with daily use, but Anne had tidied it and the rest of the house up in preparation for the kids visit.  So, the two brushes where literally the only things on the counter, other than box of tissues. They were truly on “display” in every sense of the word. 

 

Were they noticed?  Quite possibly, but I suspect that when it comes to brushes, as opposed to GH’s scenario involving an actual paddle, we spankos and DD practitioners see things others likely do not. Were they noticed?  Quite possibly, but I suspect that when it comes to brushes, as opposed to GH’s scenario involving an actual paddle, we spankos and DD practitioners see things others likely do not.   

 

Speaking of which, back during the pandemic, I took this screenshot of an interview on CNN.   

 

 

Note what’s hanging to the left of the bookcase in the background? Fraternity paddle?  Maybe, though I don’t see any Greek letters.  Unfortunately, when I zoom in, I still can’t read the stenciling. The fact that I noticed it at all probably says a lot about my own sensitization to all things even potentially spanking-related.

 

I hope you all had a great 2024 kick-off week. Best wishes for the rest of the year.

The Club - Meeting 460 - Happy New Year 2024

“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” - Benjamin Franklin

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the first meeting of the Disciplinary Couples Club for 2022.

 

As long-term readers know, my New Years posts tend to be both reflective and verbose.  So, hopefully those who have been here a while and who come for the camaraderie will bear with me.

 

Those who are just here for the spanking porn may want to come back some other time.

 

First off, a hearty "thank you" to all those who participated here in 2023 for the first time.  Given the inevitable attrition as "real life" interferes with our best intentions, new members are the lifeblood of this little club.  And, thanks to all our regulars who have stuck with us for many years now.  I truly never get tired of talking to you guys.  

Finally, thank you in advance to all the Disciplinary Wives who did not join the conversation in 2023 but will in 2024.  😀

 

I usually start off with a summary of how the last year went for me and for us as a couple, but in preparing for this post I reviewed the one from last year, and it left me thinking I should comment on subjectivity and the vagaries of selective memory.

 

See, for most of 2013, I’ve been kicking myself.  I felt like in the first year and a half of retirement I made quite a bit of progress in getting my health back, regaining some life balance, taking up some new hobbies and productive activities, and meeting, or at least making progress on, some long-term goals. Then, in 2013, I totally stagnated.  I backslid on drinking, on exercise and health, on exploring new hobbies, on cultivating better and deeper relationships with friends and family I had neglected while working.  I had been doing really well up until the holidays in 2022, then all my self-discipline melted away.

 

At least, that's how I remember it.

 

Then, today, I read my New Years post from last year, which included this summary of my goals and how well I did at hitting them in 2022:

 

“I am kind of annoyed with myself that I let 2022 drift.  A lot.  Here are the goals I posted for last year:

 

·      Solidify the progress I made last year on reducing the number of excessive drinking incidents.

·      Renew and energize some friendships that I let drift away over the last few years when I was too focused on career.

·      Volunteer on some effort that has a real and substantial impact on the lives of vulnerable or powerless people.

·      Take at least three long road trips with Anne and the dogs.

·      Complete drafts of two books I’ve wanted to write for some time but never seem to get around to.

·      Multiple multi-state motorcycle trips. 

·      Take up some sport or demanding fitness activity that doesn’t take place in a gym.

·      Reverse the recent losses in our investment portfolio.

 

Of those 8 items, I fully completed only one.  A couple of others I sort of partially fulfilled.  Overall, it was a pretty uninspiring performance.” 

 

My self-assessment of my 2022 performance was so dismal, I decided to keep all the same goals for 2023 and just work toward fulfilling those.  (Truth be told, it’s damn depressing the extent to which most of my goals carry over year-to-year, partially or wholly unfulfilled.)  Within a month, I had more or less forgotten about the specific goals and did literally nothing to track my actual 2023 performance against them.

 

Yet, looking at that list from the perspective of the first day of 2024, I seem to have accidentally done better in 2023 than I did intentionally in 2022!  It wasn't all great.  Objectively, I did backslide on some of the previous year’s improvement on excessive drinking.  Those books still aren’t drafted, and I stopped writing altogether in another medium I had been experimenting with. Taking up a demanding sport didn’t happen, though that one proved to be a little more outside my control than I anticipated, as it has become clear that three rounds of Covid have left me with some ongoing lung capacity issues.

 

On the other hand, I did put more energy into some existing friendships. Better yet, despite reading article after article about how middle-aged men struggle to make and hold onto friends, I actually made a brand new one - someone to hang out with over beers and talk about life, which I haven’t really had since leaving my last job.  I didn’t exactly volunteer to help the unfortunate, but I did become unexpectedly very active on a local political/quality of life issue.  I took several long-ish road trips with Anne and the dogs and we did a couple of international vacations. I didn’t do more multi-state motorcycle trips in 2023 than 2022, but I did do some advanced training and a multi-day group trip, which also led to, if not new friendships, a couple of new good acquaintances.  By year-end, a very large bit of our investment losses from 2021 and 2022 had reversed.  Finally, I had my annual physical a couple of months ago and, while my perception had been that my diet and exercise dedication had sucked all year, objectively I seem to be in better shape on big things like cholesterol and blood sugar than I was a year ago.

 

Oh, don’t get me wrong.  It was FAR from a perfect year.  But, in my mind there had developed this rosy view of 2022 that was inconstdent with how I felt at the time, and the same for 2023 but in reverse. 

 

Yet, I do feel that even if I did some things in 2023, there was an accidental quality to it.  And, the areas in which I made progress aren’t necessarily those that I associate with having a life that isn’t just busy, or even interesting, but meaningful.  It may be the case that after 30+ of working my ass off in a career, even a couple of years of decompression and recovery were needed. But, in year three it started to feel more like stagnation than relaxation.  I’ve always been a fairly ambitious guy, and it turns out even in retirement I want a life that is, well . . . bigger. 

 

 

I can actually tie some of this "big picture" goal to domestic discipline.  Where I feel 2023 went off the guardrails a bit was, in fact, guardrails.  Some of the backsliding on things like excessive drinking might not have happened without some concurrent backsliding on Anne’s part.  I’ve come to believe that when I’m allowed to backslide in one area, it often spills over into  generalized sloppiness and a lowering of standards.

 

Then there was procrastination.  I am as guilty as any of you of procrastinating on things big and small, but in the past I  comforted myself with the rationalization that while I might be as bad as others, I probably wasn’t much worse either.  After 2023, I’m not sure the distinction matters.   

 

Some of the things that I’ve had on my list for a long time—like getting more involved in public policy/politics and helping others—are things I am really going to regret on my dead bed if they go undone.  And, it’s become increasingly clear to me that my failure is more than procrastination. Without career-oriented goals driving me forward, procrastination has crossed the line into stagnation.  I’ve settled into spending whole days, then weeks, then months, accomplishing little more than  reading books, watching Netflix, and writing this blog.  But, again, I don’t want to settle.

 

Newton’s first law is that an object at rest will stay at rest.

 

 

UNLESS acted upon by an external force. 

 

I’m hoping in 2024, Anne will be that external force.  Why would that work in 2024 when it didn’t in 2023? Or 2022? Or 2021?

 

Well, first, it took several months of slacking in 2023 before I came to feel like it really was time to stop “recovering” and start “growing” again. I simply feel more motivated in 2024 to get off my ass and DO something significant than I did in 2023.

 

Second, while we’ve talked about it on this blog a few times, the fact is I’ve never really asked Anne to fill a motivational, coaching-like role. When we were both working, it seemed too burdensome, particularly since consistency was already a big problem where DD was concerned.

 

When I talked here back in August of 2023 about using DD to meet personal performance goals, I didn’t follow up with actually suggesting to Anne that we try such a thing because, again, I didn't think she'd be interested and probably would see it as burdensome. Yet, she brought it up a few weeks later, during some DD-related pillow talk. It was a passing reference, and neither of us followed up at the time. However, it is pretty rare for her to proactively bring up subjects from the blog, so the fact that she brought that one up seemed to be a signal.

 

 

Honestly, I got the sense a few times in 2023 that she was kind of disappointed that there weren’t more times that I presented her with a clear and compelling reason to spank me. Back when she was working, I think that finding time for discipline often was at least somewhat burdensome. In 2023, however, after her own retirement, when we got into periods in which DD became somewhat regular, it seemed like there were times she wanted it to be even more frequent.

 

Now, one obvious solution would be for her to move unilaterally in the direction KOJ’s wife did after retirement.  He has described how she almost instantly ramped up her assertiveness and, for the next decade, continuously moved the goalposts by making more and more issues “punishable.”

 

Anne didn’t go through such a big, self-initiated change in approach after retirement. But, she has talked about how being retired has removed some of the mental restraints she felt about being openly dominant and the possibility of others knowing about the nature of our relationship.  For whatever reason, the process for her has been slower and less dramatic, yet there were clear signs of it throughout last year.

 

Including her positive reference to a blog post about taking on more of a “coaching” role.  Maybe we've both just finally hit a point where I recognize I need that internal push to overcome some multi-year inertia, where she likes doling out discipline and being in charge, and we both are open to that approach and have time to do it.

 

 

I don’t want to make this post too long, but over the last few weeks I’ve gone through a deliberate, systematic effort to identify the “big ticket” aspirations that I’ve harbored for years and years but never really gone for in a big way, whether because of work busyness, the distractions of day-to-day family and work life, or simply laziness and lack of sufficient ambition. I’m zoning in on three or four areas I really want to see more progress in this year, along with some actionable tasks to get that stone-like “object at rest” moving.

 

I think bringing DD into this will fail if I try to make it “too much.” Even weekly is probably too much in terms of reporting/checking in. But, maybe a monthly session where I have to show some actual progress on each of the concrete tasks I set out, with failure leading to however many spankings she feels are appropriate?

 

Anyway, I’m still tinkering with the precise proposal, and if she doesn’t seem truly motivated to pursue it, I will drop it entirely and go back to a more traditional set of resolutions and hope for the best.  But, I do think that given my track record of settling back into a comfortable state of inertia, things are going to be different in 2024 only if there is a step-change in the consistency of discipline in the relationship.  I've posted many of these New Years memes over the years, but this one probably sums it up best:

I do fee like one area in which 2023 improved a lot over 2022 was Anne stepping up to some serious scoldings that reflected things she saw as important, whether I agreed or not.  But, I think we both recognize that there wasn't always follow-through on things that weren't huge fails but have been chronic annoyances.  Anne and I have talked several times about how much better it would be if there was a really solid, dependable connection in her mind between, "He's really annoying me" and "He just earned a spanking and I'm going to give it to him right now."

The thing about our DD in 2023 that was challenging, for me, and that made the whole thing more "real" than in past years was that, as I said, she seemed increasingly willing to exert control over things that she saw as problems.  

 

Getting scolded and/or spanked when I didn't really agree with the premise was a major ego blow, but that is precisely why those incidents felt like the biggest stimuli for personal growth, for both of us. Again, the only thing lacking as consistency.

ds

How about you? How did 2023 turn out? Were there any interesting developments on the DD front that you’d like to share?  Are there any particular goals or things you’d like to accomplish—DD or otherwise—in 2024?  Do you intend to share those with your wife?

 

For the ladies (one of my 2024 resolutions IS to get some of them commenting again), do you have anything in particular you want your husband to improve on in 2024? Any specific goals you expect him to hit?  What are your thoughts on providing him some DD or FLR-oriented motivation to do that?

Merry Christmas 2023

 

I've said that I'm usually very into Christmas but this year I've had a hard time getting into it.  But, our family began getting together last night, and this morning I woke up to gently falling snow.  It's putting me in the mood.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and a happy new year.

See you all in 2024.

The Club - Meeting 459 - Moving Goalposts, Severity, and Getting What You Really Don't Want

“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” - Salvador Dali

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to extend a specific invitation to any of our female readers, if they still exist, to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. While I’ve always said the blog is open to both men and women, one of our commenters suggested I expressly invite our female readers to join the discussion.  Please consider the invitation enthusiastically extended. 

  

I hope you all had a good week and are making it through, and maybe even enjoying, all that holiday socializing and shopping.  For me, it was a week in which I felt a little of my mojo return, mojo being in this case a euphemism for both erotic energy and interest in all things Domestic Discipline.  Not that we engaged in any actual disciplinary or FLR-related activities, but at least it was on my mind again.

 

Some of it probably is just part of the recovery process post-illness. But, it’s also not lost on me that my interest level in DD jumped by virtue of writing about it.  It’s a good reason to try to exercise some discipline around posting regularly, even when I really don’t feel like it.

 

One area where my interest level is still at a surprisingly low ebb is the whole Christmas season. This is usually my favorite time of year, hands down.  This year, for some reason I just don’t have a lot of enthusiasm.  I’ve talked to others who are feeling the same way. It’s not really about being down on the season but, rather, feeling the need for something . . . smaller.  Less hectic.  Less complicated.

 

Of course, I’m enough of an introvert that I must ask myself whether by smaller and less hectic, I really just mean I don’t want to be around people! Thankfully, now that we are both retired, there is so little on our holiday social calendar, it’s not like I really need a break from the party scene.  One bright spot, I guess, is that maybe there will be no need for preventative butt blisterings to keep me in line.

 

 

While my disciplinary mojo is, indeed, edging back up, I can’t say I’ve had any sudden flashes of inspiration for novel topics. So, instead, I thought we could riff a little more on some of last week’s comments.

 

Let’s kick it off with this from KOJ:

 

“Here's a paradox in the first years of our DD (until I was well-trained): the better I responded to my wife's spankings, the more spankings I got!

Why? Two reasons: One, she saw that they worked to improve my attitude and subdue my male ego, but I still had a long way to go in her eyes. And two, she saw that spankings worked so she kept adding issues covered by DD. First it was all about respecting her. Then she added treating the kids better. Then she added respecting others. Then she added punctuality. Then she added my drinking. Then she added picking up after myself. Then she added actual chores. Then she added procrastination. On and on -- a seeming receding horizon of new issues that guaranteed me an almost constant sore backside for a decade. And she was right about every single issue.”

For those of you who have been in this kind of relationship for a while, has it worked that way for you, too? When you think you’ve improved to the point that discipline might not be necessary at all, does she move the goalposts?  Or, is it the case that regardless of whether you improve in certain areas, new problematic behaviors tend to arise?

 

For us, it’s kind of a combination.  My proclivity for overdoing it when socializing hasn’t changed much over the years.  But, this year was the first in which she focused increasing attention on “respect for others,” in the context of that socializing.  Probably the second worst spanking, and definitely the worst lecture, of the year resulted from what she saw as overbearing behavior at a dinner with another couple.  She also spanked me for an argument we got into, but it wasn’t so much the argument itself but the fact that she felt I had let something irritate me for a long time and then exploded, which was unfair to her because had I been more open about the situation sooner, she could have dealt with it without all the drama.  

Those developments may have been somewhat similar to the process KOJ described.  But, then there were the repeated spankings and threats of spankings for leaving the garage door open and failing to lock the front door.  Those were new-ish instances of carelessness on my part, and not really her paying new attention to an existing problem.

 

Then, there was this series of exchanges between K., GH and me:

 

K: The first time she did it [gave a post-orgasm punishment spanking] the anticipation was exciting, but that was only because I had no real idea what I was in for. Any physical pleasure is over very quickly. She has me use her vibrator, which gets the job done in no time. I've usually lost most of any erection I had by the time my pants are down, but the vibrator still gets through. What follows is pure punishment, with no sexual edge at all. There's no sexual element to counter the pain or energize me through it. Usually she uses a rubber strap that hurts like hell even with a warm up (and I definitely get no warm up if I'm being punished). There is absolutely nothing you would confuse with fun or sexiness about the whole ordeal. After considerable time passes, I can look back on it and feel warm and grateful, because I LOVE being in a relationship where my wife has that authority and isn't afraid to use it. But her punishments are something I've learned to fear and avoid, not be aroused by. So they work.

 

Me:  I go back and forth on whether a true punishment can still be "too much." I do feel like there is an important mental element of accepting accountability. During a hard spanking, I will sometimes remind myself that I put myself in this position and could avoid such pain by behaving better in the future. But, I've found that with some instruments--those rubber straps in particular--the pain was so extreme that all such thoughts were driven from my brain as I simply tried to gut it out. On the other hand, one could argue that a very painful punishment has a purpose regardless of whether you "accept" it in the moment. In fact, maybe it reinforces that if she is really in charge she can and should punish whether you "accept" it or not. As I said, I go back and forth on it.

 

K: Basically, our disciplinary relationship is "she's my disciplinarian, even - maybe especially - if I'm not into it at the time."

 

That thread touches on areas that I’ve thought about quite a bit this year, as Anne has gotten stricter in some areas.  The incident that triggered those thoughts wasn’t directly about spanking.  Rather, it had to do with one of those hard lectures I referred to above.  That one, and another that came within a few weeks of it, caused me to feel resentful for quite some time.  I started to get past that only after I talked to Aunt Kay’s husband, and he said something to the effect of, “Well, a real, tough scolding is hard to take. It just is.” 

 

The more I thought about it, the more I started to understand at a deep level that the emotions I was feeling were a demonstration that we had hit one of those milestones in which the transfer of authority, the imposition of a distinct hierarchy with her at the top, became more real.  The scolding stung precisely because it was real and angry and took me down a peg or three.

 

K.’s discussion was about the severity of the spanking and not a scolding, but the principle is similar.  You know the authority and the discipline are real when they happen regardless of whether you are “into it at the time” or regardless of whether the severity is way more than you would choose if you had any control over it.  The fact that you don’t have any control over it is what makes it more real.

 

When I look back, I think many—probably too many—of my conversations with Anne have included feedback about whether something “worked for me” or not.  This year, I started thinking a lot more about the fact that it’s when it her approach is not working for me, when I am feeling the most emotionally upset or resistant, that it’s actually doing its best work.

 

 

That same point carries over to seemingly more pedestrian, less philosophical issues like the choice of implements and whether some are just “too” severe. I really do go back and forth on that, as noted in my exchange with K.  I do feel like really absorbing (no pun intended) the lesson she is trying to impart requires me to think about why the spanking is happening, how I got myself into this, how I could avoid a similar one in the future, etc.  With certain instruments, that whole mental process of accepting responsibility and really meaning to do better goes right out the window. The pain is just so sudden and so severe that I go into a “man up” attitude that is all about not surrendering and, instead, trying to get it out and get through it by any means necessary.

 

 But, then there are times where I wonder, are there certain punishments for things like repeated instances of the same behavior, where that kind of severe punishment is not only merited but might be the only approach that’s really merited.  A spanking like that may not really be so much about deterrence—though it could be just want is needed for that purpose—but about pure punishment.  Or, maybe it is still about deterrence but it’s about her being willing to escalate to something that just hurts so fucking bad that you will do anything to avoid a repeat session. 

 

I don’t have a lot to add in terms of a specific topic, so take it any direction that seems fitting.

 

Even if I’m having a bit of a hard time fully embracing the Christmas spirit, I hope that’s not true for all of you. Enjoy the season. But behave yourself or suffer the consequences!

 

The Club - Meeting 458 - Update, the Burdens of Leadership, and Reluctant Disciplinarians

“The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes.” — Tony Blair, Former British prime minister

 

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

 

I hope you’re all doing well and have had a kick-off to the holiday season.  I’m sorry that my posting (and even commenting) has been so lackluster. At least I think I may be narrowing in on the source of my malaise.

 

As I stated before, I came back from vacation sick with Covid (for the third time), and my DD interest seemed to have plummeted.  I now have a working theory on why it happened, though not necessarily how to correct it, at least not quickly.

 

I had my annual physical exam (though, thanks to my procrastinating it usually ends up being closer to biannual) shortly after we went on vacation. But, I put off doing the blood draw for the various health-related metrics they check, because I knew that a week at an all-inclusive resort probably had not done wonders for my cholesterol levels or other markers. I finally got around to doing the blood draw earlier this week.

 

Surprisingly, my cholesterol numbers were great. But, oddly, my testosterone levels are way down.  Like down by 30% in one year!  I had no idea why, but out of curiosity I Googled “Covid and declining testosterone levels.” Sure enough, there is good clinical data showing that Covid can, in fact, cause sudden declines in testosterone. 

 

I have always said that, although I don’t have a spanking or discipline “fetish,” it’s certainly true that the energy that underlies my DD interest is heavily erotic.  So, what happens when the testosterone that drives sexual energy drops?  Well, apparently in my case it means my interest in DD drops right along with it.  Here’s hoping it’s temporary. . .. And, I have felt a some slightly stronger erotic stirrings this week, so perhaps the situation is improving.

In the meantime, I will diligently try to get my act together on diet and exercise over the holidays in an effort to get those "T" levels back up. Maybe in the process I'll shed some of the weight I put on last holiday season.

Anyway, I did have the beginnings of a topic glimmering in my brain but it hadn’t quite gelled yet, when I got a couple of topic ideas that seemed at least peripherally related.

 

Norton suggested this:

 

“Christmas is usually a stressful time, and this one has the added stress of a resurgence of Covid where I live, as well as the brewing threat to our democracy, plus the Israeli - Gaza war, as well as the ongoing war with Russia and Ukraine, which has further devided the country. When I feel stressed out, I drink more, and pay attention less. This has led to my earning 3 disciplinary spankings in the last 10 days. Before this, I went for over a month or longer, not earning any discipline, and getting only maintenance spankings. When I find things that seem relevant to us, I bring them up in our check before most spankings. One entry I read from awhile back was about how difficult it must be for our wives to be in the role of constantly needing to make decisions about how often and how severe to punish. My partner affirmed that was true for her as well, and in the middle of yesterday's spanking, she told me "I don't like having to do this", which made me feel somewhat ashamed of putting her through that. It also left me feeling the need to increase my resolve to not earn any more punishment for awhile. Does any of this ring true for you guys as well?”

 

Then, I got this email from “Mike”:

“First of all thank you for your blog! We started our version of a DD marriage this August and I had the luck to come across your blog by chance.  I have only commented once so far on the recent topic of tears but I read your blog regularly and try to read through all the old posts (which are a lot!) in order to have a better understanding of what a DD relationship can look like.

 

If it's okay with you, I would like to suggest a topic for a future discussion that has been on my mind lately. Namely the DD progression in relationships especially with regard to naturally non dominant wives who have a hard time picking up and applying the paddle.

 

Maybe I can give you a little background on what I mean by that: My wife is 30 and I am 37. We have three small kids (so life is very busy and noisy). I have been a hard wired spanko since childhood but in our 10 years of marriage I kept that secret because my wife is as vanilla as it gets and does not have a kinky bone in her body. This summer we had a big argument about my lack of help around the house and I took this as an opportunity to suggest DD to her. Her response was a clear “hell no” to spanking me but we did experiment with some other forms of accountability. After I continued to try to move her in the direction of spanking I eventually revealed my deep rooted need to her in a very emotional and vulnerable moment and she reluctantly agreed to give it a try. We tried different things in the last few months and at the beginning I was too much in control telling her how to do her discipline job. After we both read “the good wife's guide to taking charge” (again first heard about it on your blog) she set up the rule that I write her a list of all my infractions and pin it on our fridge every friday. She will then deal with me when she feels like it. Sometimes it is the same weekend but sometimes it may be three weeks later. I have no say regarding discipline whatsoever.

 

Now I do count my lucky stars that I finally get some of the discipline and boundaries I crave and I am extremely grateful to my wife for being willing to do this for me. But I know she really doesn´t like spanking me and therefore the spankings are often not really hard enough and too infrequent. She mostly spanks for things we agreed together that I should change but never uses her power for other things I do that really piss her off. It is still mostly me who asks her “do I need to put this on the report?” when I feel I made her angry (= trying to remind her of her power) rather than her telling me to put it on the list and expect a severe spanking the next weekend.

 

Now on your blog I read about a lot of wives who took to it naturally and enjoy their power. My wife - as of now - does not fall into that category. But I am really curious about how DD progressed in relationships in which the wife at the beginning did not like spanking their husband but did it anyway. Did that feeling change for some wives? Did they start to enjoy it? Did intensity and frequency increase? From what I gathered by reading your blog DD is a process.

 

I guess I just try get some perspective and encouragement / hope that our DD could evolve into more than it is now. I hope one day she will see DD as a tool she can use to her benefit rather than a chore she has to perform. At the same time I do know that my wife is completely worn out from taking care of our kids (youngest being 1 year old) so we started DD in a stage in our lives that is already challenging enough.

 

I will stop my rambling now. Maybe it might be worth a post / discussion. Either way thanks for your blog. I really appreciate that it is not focused on the bdsm aspect as so many other blogs are. I don´t really identify with that. If you want to pick up my topic suggestion feel free to use anything that I did write. I apologize if my english is a bit off - it´s not my native language.”

 

Although they are coming at it from slightly different angles, it seems to me that both Norton and Mike are raising the topic of the burdens of taking on the role of disciplinarian in a DD marriage, and how for some it can be a chore or worse.

 

First off, I would like to congratulate Mike on being honest with his wife about what he needs.  It’s also a great thing on her part that, despite being a vanilla, she has agreed to at least give all this a try.  Those moves took courage on both parts and dedication to the relationship and to each other.  And, it may be worth reminding him, be careful what you wish for!

Regarding Mike’s request for guidance, I may not be the best resource, as I got lucky that while, like Mike’s wife, mine began this journey seemingly “as vanilla as it gets [without] a kinky bone in her body” mine was one of those who seemed to take to it surprisingly easily.  Oh, I do think she thought the whole thing was kind of weird at first, but that didn’t stop her from giving very hard spankings almost from the beginning. 

 

Though, it is still, in fact, a process. For example, she hasn’t always shown the initiative Mike talks about of being quick to punish for things that truly piss her off, even though we are almost twenty years into this little experiment. 

 

But, I also have seen her confidence in herself and her general proclivity for keeping DD “top of mind” grow by leaps and bounds, particularly over the last couple of years since she retired. And, while it ebbs and flows, there definitely have been times over the last year when I felt she increasingly was coming to her own conclusions about the need for increased strictness.

 

 

As for Norton’s concerns, I’m also perhaps not the best person to respond.  I don’t think that delivering hard disciplinary spankings has ever been an emotional burden per se for Anne.  As I said, she took to them very readily and now, twenty years later, I think she downright enjoys giving them and actually gets antsy when (like now) she hasn’t blistered my backside in several weeks.  She has never said anything like, “I don’t like doing this to you” because I think she very much DOES like doing it to me!

 

 

I do think sometimes she has experienced DD as a logistical burden.  She has told me that sometimes when she’s decided I need a spanking, she will have to think about how to work it into a busy day.  While I’m sure that isn’t easy, and I do sympathize, I don’t think it happens that often.  My own reaction to that logistical burden is interesting, at least to me.  Something about envisioning her mentally going through her daily calendar, figuring out when to work in a much-deserved spanking, really turns me on.  

 

That may not be surprising, given how many times I’ve written here about the attraction I have both to the “maternal” disciplinarian archetype and to an approach that is very “all business.”  Something about the head of the household working out mentally when to deliver a spanking, as if it were just another item on the to-do list definitely resonates with me.

 

I hope you all have a great week.