Frequent Spankings for Small Things - a Maintenance Subsitute? (Club Meeting - 564)

“If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.” — William H. McRaven

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club – Tribute blog.  Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship of the type advocated by the former Disciplinary Wives Club (archived copy in the “Links I Like” list, below right).

 

I hope you had a great week.  Mine was another fairly bad one, as I’m having a hard time recovering from my recent setback.  I guess in my late 50s I don’t bounce back as well as I used to.  Getting old is not for sissies, yet I prefer it to the only known alternative.

 

 

We had a fairly good discussion last week, especially considering the set up being a single spanking meme.  I don’t plan to do that a lot in the future, but it seemed better than not posting at all, so I’ll probably do it again, though next time I really try not to let the single meme become a full-blown post.  And, the discussion was robust enough to suggest things to talk about this week. So, there is that. Speaking of which . . .

 

It began with me responding to this comment from Red:

 

“[A]lthough I suggest Cindy should be stricter and spank more often, and she is doing this, it is both a spanking and a learning experience for me that certain little habits that she dislikes (I never knew how much) are spanked strongly. I am not happy with being spanked at these times, but accept and learn upon reflection to be more considerate, which is always my goal.”

 

My response was to the effect that it seems an inevitable risk of asking for more strictness is the prospect of getting more spankings that you aren’t fully onboard with, at least not at the time they are ordered:

 

That's the thing with asking for "stricter" - it almost inevitably ends up applying to things that she sees as a big deal, but you may not. I would put a lot of Anne's "pet peeves" in that category. Though, I would also note that once she says she's going to spank for them, I tend to stop doing them relatively easily. The exception is pet peeves that also involve a big element of carelessness or absent-mindedness, like leaving the garage door open or not locking doors when I leave. In those cases, I'm not downplaying or intentionally blowing off her concerns. Rather, I just forget.

 

Glenmore then shared some of his experience with small offenses caused mainly by absentmindedness:

 

“I share your sentiment on getting spanked for minor offences which are really due to absentmindedness Dan , and how selective she can be as to what constitute a spanking offence.

 

She had been reprimanding me for weeks about spending too much time on my phone , which I agreed with so made s point of tracking my use and even offered to accept a spanking for going over my target. Instead she gave me a pass on the basis I was doing something about it and had actually reduced my use.

 

The next evening, we were going to sit outside and she was really mad because I had made myself a cup of herbal tea and did not make one for her.

To me it was no big deal as it was just a spur if the moment thing and didn't think to ask her.

 

However, when I did the same thing a couple of nights later she was really pissed and afterwards she brought out the paddle and spanked me for it. I'll make sure to remember from now on but found it odd that she considered such a minor thing to be a spanking offense while giving me a pass on my phone use.”

 T. responded with something that illustrated my point about how asking for more strictness implicitly means asking for more spankings, which in turn risks getting more spankings you don’t agree with:

 

I was punished again for raising my voice. I actually didn’t agree with this punishment because, in fact, my wife hurt someone’s feelings indirectly. I explained the situation to her and of course became a bit animated. I was correct but unfortunately raised my voice, and that’s exactly what I wanted my wife to hold me accountable for in the first place. She paddled my bottom hard and I gritted my teeth throughout the punishment because I felt it unjust. Therein lies the dynamic of DD that sometimes I struggle with. I want to be held accountable for my actions, but when in a discussion with my wife, where she is wrong, she doesn’t see it that way. She at times sees her side only. [But], I want my wife to be more strict and if I need a thrashing multiple times a week, then so be it.

 

Red then summed it all up with:

 

“Seems like you have your next topic Dan. That is, what seemingly innocent behavior on your part, whether absentmindedly or simply forgetting to ask, has been a pet peeve of your wife who spanked you for it? Did the behavior change? I think every husband has changed behavior because of this.”

 

We’ve talked before (several times) about getting spanked for “small” things. But, this discussion suggested a new angle, namely the way asking for more strictness entails getting more spankings, and the combination of increased strictness and getting spanked more often almost inevitably increases the risk of getting spanked for things you don’t agree with or that seem trivial.

 

 

Red referred specifically to “seemingly innocent behavior”. Very few of my spankings have fallen into that category.  There were a couple of times when Anne spanked me for behavior when out with others that she thought was boorish or overbearing, while I saw it as just a vigorous conversation. Given the profession I was in for 25+ years, I’m very comfortable with arguing positions and am happy to get as well as I give.  I think Anne gets a lot more nervous when voices are raised, and she definitely is quicker to see some topics as too controversial or political for certain company.  Thus, we set the bar on “innocent behavior” at conflicting levels in that particular situation, but that’s really about as close as I’ve gotten to being spanked for “seemingly innocent behavior.”

 

More common is being spanked for things that seem trivial to me but aren’t to her. Leaving a chair pushed out after getting up from a meal is a biggie.  

 

 

Leaving doors unlocked is another.  Leaving the garage door open (accidentally) has gotten me spanked multiple times, yet I’ll concede that one as more of a problem, because our once crime-free neighborhood has experienced a surge of petty thefts from open garages.

 

A bigger category for us—at least in terms of threatened spankings and, had it not been for my injury, probably actual spankings too—is carelessness and the kind of absentmindedness Glenmore referred to.  That has become a bigger and bigger focus, but that’s been mostly at my request.  I honestly don’t think Anne cares that much about most of the incidents in this category, but for me, they are frustrating because (a) many have caused me to waste time and money fixing problems or replacing things, and a few have caused increased physical risks; and (b) many of those situations could have been avoided by paying more attention or being more careful.

 

When I’ve asked her to take carelessness more seriously, I’ve recognized that her doing so might increase dramatically the number of spankings, at least at first, because those incidents happen fairly regularly, and that probably isn’t going to change absent bringing a lot of strictness into it.

 

Further, for me, increasing the number of spankings is kind of a goal in itself, not because I “want” to be spanked more often but because I think it would benefit both of us.  It would benefit me, because it would result in more behavior change and also would humble me in way that, frankly, I think I need.  Conversely, spanking more often would increase her confidence and enable her to exercise more and more control more comfortably.

 

Yet, I know that in getting spanked more often, there are going to be more times that I disagree with the premise for the spanking.  It’s very similar to what T. is going through.  His example is kind of a mixed case, in that he wants his wife to spank him more often for raising his voice, yet in this case he raised his voice because he thought his wife was wrong about something.  It’s the kind of trade-off that probably is inherent in asking for more strictness and her delivering it.

 

For me, getting spanked more often for more trivial things, and possibly for things I don’t agree with, is kind of a substitute for the way other couples use maintenance spankings.  I do see a value in maintenance spankings in terms of reinforcing the roles, empowering her and humbling him, and in keeping the whole DD dynamic front-and-center.  Yet, the concept of spanking on a schedule, with no accountability element, doesn’t really resonate with me or, I think, with Anne.  She does seem to be fully on board with the premise that I should be spanked more often, but she seems unenthused by the idea of scheduling one weekly just to reinforce roles.

 

Lowering the bar on what earns a spanking, therefore, seems to offer the prospect of more frequent spankings while maintaining an element of accountability that we both want.

 

Another justification that resonates with me, and I think maybe with T., Red, and Glenmore as well, is the element of obedience that is in play when you get spanked for something that she has said you will get spanked for even if you think it isn’t inherently wrong or is too trivial.   

 

That situation was summed up best by one-time commenter Mrs. Terrapin:

 

Early in our DD relationship, my husband, like you, asked for strictness and firmness. He craved a structured environment with clear boundaries, much like you described. However, when it came time to enforce discipline, I often found myself hesitating, especially over what seemed like minor infractions. For example, if I had told him to use a coaster on the coffee table and he didn’t, I’d question whether it was fair to spank him for something so trivial. This second-guessing was compounded by his reaction—when the moment for discipline arrived, he’d often try to talk his way out of it, sensing my hesitation. He’d say things like, “Really? For something that small?” and I’d waver. Later, though, he’d circle back and ask me to be more strict, which left me feeling caught in a cycle of doubt and frustration.

 

This pattern persisted until I had a game-changing epiphany: nearly all of the behaviors that warranted discipline boiled down to one of two root causes—disobedience or disrespect. This realization shifted everything for me. Instead of focusing on the surface-level infraction, I began to see the deeper issue. For instance, not using a coaster wasn’t about the coaster itself (which, I agree, is minor); it was about him disobeying a direct instruction, which is an extremely serious matter. And even in instances where I hadn't given a direct instruction or rule, often there is a root cause of disrespect (for instance, him leaving a pair of dirty socks on the bedroom floor - the socks are trivial, the attitude that it's my job to be his maid is a significant display of disrespect).

 

This perspective changed how I approached discipline. The coaster thing is not just a hypothetical - it was exactually the reason for the first spanking I gave my husband after this epiphany. When I told him he was getting a hard punishment for not using a coaster, he tried to downplay it, saying, “Seriously? Just for a coaster?” But I held firm. By the time the punishment was over, his burning backside made it crystal clear that the issue wasn’t the coaster—it was his disobedience to a direct order. I explained that disobedience, no matter how small the context, would always be met with strict consequences, no leniency, no mercy. The same applied to disrespectful behaviors, like leaving messes for me to clean up. Whether or not there was a preexisting rule, those actions showed a lack of respect for me and our dynamic, and that warranted firm discipline.

 

This shift in mindset eliminated my second-guessing. It gave me the clarity and confidence to act decisively when I felt annoyed or disrespected, knowing that I was addressing the root cause, not just the surface issue. It also aligned perfectly with my husband’s desire for stricter boundaries, even if he wasn’t thrilled about the consequences in the moment. Over time, this approach has strengthened our DD dynamic, making it more consistent and fulfilling for both of us.

 

Thoughts on any of this?

 

Have a great week.