The Club - Meeting 443 - Humiliation, Humbling & Embarrassment

Honesty is grounded in humility and indeed in humiliation, and in admitting exactly where we are powerless. - David Whyte

 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.

 

I hope you had a great week.  Mine was fine, other than all this f&^%-ing rain.  I feel like I’m living in the Pacific Northwest, but we do not actually live in the Pacific Northwest.  I guess I shouldn’t complain, given how much of the country was suffering from drought conditions this time last year.  But, is a nice sunny afternoon too much to expect? In the middle of June?

 

Our discussion last week was . . . unique?  I’ve had topics flop before, but . . . wow.  90+ comments (counting my replies).  Maybe two even tried to address either of the two topics. Oh well.  It happens sometimes, though I think that one does set some kind of inverse record for on-point participation.

 

Hopefully, KOJ’s suggestion for this week’s topic will fare better:

 

Our culture thinks of humiliation as a very negative thing, but as part of DD it can be particularly effective in driving the point home, changing behavior, acting as a deterrent, etc. And certainly, it has been more accepted and used in other cultures and times of history, such as public floggings, stocks in the town square, etc. As DD husbands, how has humiliation had a positive impact on our behavior? And why do we think it works? I think of the humiliation of baring my bottom for a spanking, of being scolded, of not being able to keep still while being thrashed, of begging for the spanking to stop, of being threatened with punishment in front of others. All of these humiliating experiences enhanced the effectiveness of my wife's punishments. This includes even the positive impact of the idea of humiliation, such as the fear of being found out as a DD husband. How exactly does this work on my brain? I really don't know!

 

A related aspect to my question: I keep saying and thinking that DD was not sexual for me. But in one sense it was: I would shrivel right up while feeling humiliated. I would get noticeably smaller, to the point that sometimes I would "turtle" (disappear into my scrotum). My wife would sometimes remark on this, thinking it was funny. So, I would have this reverse sexual reaction, so to speak. But it is my understanding that some men get aroused while being humiliated. I can't hardly imagine that. What about the rest of you? How does humiliation impact you sexually, both while it is happening and when you think about it afterward?

 

We’ve done topics on humiliation before, though not that often. Probably because it isn’t “a thing” for me personally. Well, not really.  At least, it’s not something I find stimulating in any positive way. Though, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value for me, and my attitude about it has changed a bit since the last time we did a full post on it.

 

I tend not to use the term "humiliation."  To me, it has a harsh tone.  I generally prefer “humbling.”  Though, I think this may be more than a distinction without a difference, because I'm not sure whether I mean the same thing by "humbling" that others mean by "humiliation." 

 

The purpose "humbling" serves for me is more conceptual than visceral.  I know that I get myself into trouble due to arrogance, temper, and lack of respect for authority.  Given the number of times those things have created problems for me, some "humbling" seems in order, as a tool to help me exercise more self-control and get a handle on some negative emotional reactions.  For me, it’s about rubbing off some of the arrogant edges and dumbing down my assertiveness, which admittedly can drift into being domineering and probably boorish.

 

“Humiliation” seems to me to be harsher, more cutting, and perhaps more sexually-oriented (for some) than mere humbling. I'm also not sure whether "embarrassment," is just a milder form of humiliation, or something categorically different.

 

For me, the difference between humbling, on the one hand, and humiliation/embarrassment on the other, is the humbling I am looking for is basically a tool for increased accountability, a deterrent to bad behavior, and hopefully a state of mind that helps mitigate some of my problems with temper and lack of respect for authority. There's an element of it simply being part of the natural consequences of the behavior.

Yet, because humbling can, in fact, become humiliating depending on the context, it can also inhibit my willingness to own up to my bad behavior. For example, when I fail to give Anne a required journal entry about a recent behavioral failure, I think it has as much to do with my ego wanting to not own up to that failure as it does with wanting to avoid a well-earned spanking. 

 

 

Similarly, I sometimes would prefer that she get right to a spanking instead of subjecting me to a long lecture.  Why? Because I don’t find the former inherently embarrassing or all that humbling.  KOJ talked about “the humiliation of baring my bottom for a spanking, of being scolded, of not being able to keep still while being thrashed, of begging for the spanking to stop, of being threatened with punishment in front of others.” I don’t beg for a spanking to stop, I don’t thrash around much as it is going on, and I don’t find baring my bottom for a spanking inherently humiliating, though others do, as this Glenmore drawing illustrates:

But, then there is scolding.  A “proforma” lecture or scolding right before a spanking doesn’t do much for me, positively or negatively. But, the few times that she has been really angry and cut loose with a real scolding, did impact me.  At first, not in a positive way. I tended to get resentful and stew about it for days or even weeks.  While, at the time, I didn’t identify that feeling with being humiliated, that’s probably what was really going on. 

 

There is nothing sexually arousing to me about that kind of scolding. Even in retrospect.  But, it’s complicated.  My subconscious seems to like playing with the idea. One of my most memorable spanking dreams was about taken out of a work/family event to be spanked by our office manager (a male), with everyone knowing that was what was going to happen to me.

 

We also have talked here about the embarrassment of someone knowing about a particular spanking or that we have one coming.  Others knowing about the particulars, not just the generality of our DD relationship, does do something for me, and that reaction has something to do with it being inherently embarrassing and humbling.  While I've never thought I was into humiliation, beyond the practical benefits of humbling, I can't deny that there seems to be a pattern of humiliation scenes getting my attention or having free rein in my dreams, including particularly M/m spanking scenarios, being spanked in public, and others being told about a particular spanking. And, in the right context, others knowing about the DD relationship itself creates this weird mix of repulsion and attraction. Something like that seems to be in play for the people who had a reaction to last week's picture of a paddle hanging on a wall.  Here's another.

Then there is my fascination with crying.  When I first discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club website, the stories about husbands being reduced to a sobbing mess were a huge part of the resulting morbid fascination. And, that fascination really was morbid. I found the possibility of being reduced to tears over Anne’s lap both repulsive and irresistibly attractive, and at the root of both emotions was the embarrassment it would entail.  And, because I had not yet experienced a real adult disciplinary spanking, I thought (based on the DWC stories) that it was pretty likely to happen. So far, it hasn’t, and I believe that one of the primary reasons I have not let go and sobbed during a spanking is because of the severe embarrassment that would result.  

 

In fact, isn’t the prospect of humiliation or severe embarrassment part of what fuels many of our DD and FLR fantasies, including crying, witnesses, public displays of her authority, etc.?

 

In fact, this discussion makes me wonder, is it humiliation itself that some of you find alluring or is it, rather, her ability to impose that humiliation on you?  Is a humiliation kink just a female authority kink in another guise?

 

As for Anne, I don’t think she’s into humiliating me, but I think it’s complicated for her, too. 

 

One reason she has been resistant to our (adult) kids knowing about our DD relationship is she hasn’t wanted to risk them thinking less of me as a father figure.

 

Yet, she also admits to getting off on some of the “humbling” aspects of imposing discipline on me. She says she doesn’t get aroused by the spanking itself, but she does take pleasure in ordering me to take off all my clothes and get in position and in watching me comply.  She knows complying with her orders is hard on my ego, and she likes that. 

 

 

How about you?  What role does humiliation or severe embarrassment play in your DD relationship? Does it play a positive role in bringing about behavioral change or enabling your wife to hold you accountable? To what extent is that positive role separate and apart from whatever disciplinary benefits you get from a spanking? Does your partner do things that are deliberately designed to humiliate or embarrass you? Are any of those separate and apart from the spanking itself?

 

How do you feel about that at the time?  How do you feel about it in retrospect?  Does your wife consciously try to humiliate or embarrass you?

 

I hope you have a good week. 

And, while I have tried hard to stay away from politics on the blog, this cartoon was just so appropriate in light of the last couple of weeks’ developments.