The Club - Meeting 426 - Shame and Embarrassment

“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.” – Mark Twain

 

Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club.  Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

 

 

I hope you all had a great week. For us, it was another week, another snowstorm.  After a string of very mild winters, this is the kind of winter I remember from a couple of decades ago.  One storm rolls out, the snow finally melts, then another rolls in.  I’m not complaining, though if it keeps up for two or more months I may be.  At least the skiing is great.

 

Preliminarily for this week, I’d like to thank JR’s wife Dev for dropping by and sharing a story about being asked to spank another woman.  I hope she’ll consider weighing in on other topics that interest her.

 

Personally, I thought last week’s discussion was kind of fascinating. When I first conceived of the topic, I almost didn’t go with it because I thought it might be too narrow to draw much response.

 

Instead, it seemed to be not so much narrow, as disconcerting and/or perplexing.  I can’t think of another topic that has caused some regular, thoughtful commenters to have to take a couple of cracks at it.  And, even then, the answers tended to be very nuanced as to whether it would be OK for our wives to spank other men.  While there wasn’t a clear pattern, it seemed to me the answers reflected:

 

• the more the commenter saw spanking as inherently and invariable sexual, the more squeamish they were at the thought of their wife spanking another man 
• unless they had been to spanking parties, in which case they were pretty cavalier about it 
• some were a bit squeamish but open to it depending on the circumstances
• those circumstances coming down mainly to either the wife’s reaction (might she get stimulated by it) or to the other man’s reaction (might he get stimulated by it)

 

For me, I think I would be OK with it, while recognizing that there are some situations where it's very hard to predict your reaction until you are in them.  With that caveat, I think I would be OK with Anne giving another man a real disciplinary spanking, even though I recognize that on some level most (not all, in my opinion) adult spankings have a strong sexual or erotic energy.  I don’t think my reaction would change if either she or the other man were sexually stimulated by it, and I’m pretty sure that I would get aroused by her display of power.

 

While I think I might feel kind of embarrassed or sympathetic toward the recipient, as Alan related in a story about his wife-to-be spanking another man, I think I also would be proud of and turned on by her in direct proportion to the seriousness of the spanking.

 

Alan’s reference to feeling embarrassed for someone else reinforced a plan I already had going to do a topic on embarrassment and shame, specifically embarrassment and shame about needing or being in a Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship. 

 

I started thinking about it as a potential topic based on some comments left in response to the New Years post a couple of weeks ago such as this one"

 

“Like Alan, I used to be ashamed of my unending need for spankings, but now it is a source of joy and stress relief. Anyway, Hope you are also starting out the New Year with a sore bottom and a relaxed state of mind.” - Norton

 

Now, I have looked and looked for a comment from Alan to that post regarding being ashamed at needing or wanting disciplinary spankings but couldn’t find one.  I did, however, find this comment from the week before, in response to a comment about how retirement may make us more open about our DD and FLR needs:

 

“But I think simple age and maturity matter at least as much in making one less concerned about others "knowing". I also am very proud of my wife for taking charge and doing what needed to be done. I also am proud of myself for accepting who I am sexually and submitting to her authority. These are feeling that grew stronger over time. In my late 20's and even into my 30's I was ashamed that I had to be spanked. I don't feel that way any longer.” -Alan

 

I’m not sure whether that is the comment Norton was referring to, or whether another comment from Alan was lost.  (The way Blogger keeps flagging comments as spam retroactively, I wouldn’t be surprised.)  In any event, a couple of others also talked about feeling ashamed of their DD needs.

 

 

“I often feel ashamed also. Then I feel ashamed because I feel ashamed. (if that makes any sense ). We talked about this yesterday and she assures me there’s nothing to worry about but it still bothers me.” - JR

 

 

My wife and I remain very private about DD. I would not want anyone finding out including neighbors. I think it’s still just too taboo. . . . I do remember one time after a punishment session, she gave me a good beating and when done told me to get out of her sight. I pulled my pants up and left the room ashamed and embarrassed.” - T

 

Since it came up multiple times, it seemed like something worth going into a little more.

 

The kind of shame and embarrassment the comments made me think about was the kind Alan seemed to be referring to, i.e. shame around the “need” to be spanked, in two senses of the word.  First, there is “need” in terms of a desire to be given disciplinary spankings and to be in a real disciplinary relationship.  Second, there is “need” in terms of requiring some kind of external authority to keep your behavior in line.

 

 

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt real shame about domestic discipline spankings or being in an FLR in either of those senses.  I admit I was very nervous when I first brought up the subject with Anne.  It was embarrassing, because it was admittedly so outside the norm and unlike anything I’d asked of her before, but I don’t think I felt “shame” per se.  I was very confused about why I wanted it and was worried she might reject it as too weird or kinky, but I didn’t feel ashamed of the desire itself.

 

I also don’t think I’ve felt shame about needing the externally imposed boundaries that domestic discipline gives me.  Some time ago, I think it was ZM who said that if someone were to ask why it is that he can’t just exercise some willpower and self-discipline, instead of needing his wife to impose discipline, the simple retort would be that if he could he already would have. 

 

That’s pretty much how I feel about my own need to be reined in at times.  Throughout most of my career, I could outwork anyone.  Over many years, I’ve killed myself in the gym and denied myself many dietary pleasures to stay pretty fit even now that I’m well into middle-age. There are many areas where I’ve proven I can work and focus and sacrifice as much as anyone.  Yet, there are some areas where I need that extra incentive that DD provides.

 

I also don’t think I’ve ever felt true shame or embarrassment about DD as a kink.  I don’t tend to be judgmental about others’ kinks, and the corollary is I don’t feel any real shame about my own.

 

Now, none of that is to say that I wouldn’t have been embarrassed about being “outed” under some circumstances.  I definitely was downright paranoid about it being found out while I was in my profession, though I honestly believe that was way more about being concerned about the possible limiting consequences on certain opportunities than about being ashamed or embarrassed per se.  I also think that my concerns diminished as I got older, and it wasn’t all about retiring or getting close to retirement said. As Alan alluded to, as I’ve gotten older and more mature (relatively), I just don’t care as much about what other people think.

 

I do think that there might be certain contexts where I might feel something close to real embarrassment, but they are pretty limited.  The best example I can think of is I do have an aversion to parents and siblings finding out, though I don’t know why that particular set of people knowing bothers me.

 

I also don’t really get embarrassed during an actual spanking session, though sometimes I do feel a sense of vulnerability that probably is something like embarrassment.  The big exception, though it’s so far purely theoretical, is around crying.

 

 

When Alan talked about feeling embarrassed for the former boyfriend his future wife spanked in front of him, I think that’s how I felt the first time I read stories on The Disciplinary Wives Club website in which the husbands ended up sobbing.  I felt deeply embarrassed by that scenario and, by extension, how I might feel if it happened to me.  At the time, I had no idea how common or uncommon crying was in DD relationships, and I think I went into many early spankings wondering if that might be the time it would happen.

 

To this day, I think the primary reason I have never broken down and really cried during a spanking is that the prospect embarrasses me so much.  Which is kind of odd, because it’s not like Anne has never seen me cry. Yet, after all these years there is something I find deeply embarrassing about the prospect of crying during a spanking.

 

 

The other situation in which I think embarrassment does play a big role in my relationship with spanking and DD is around asking for it. As I said, when I brought the whole idea to Anne, I definitely was nervous about both how she might react and also what I might really be in for if she agreed to give it a try.  I definitely was cognizant in the moment that it might be one of those "Be careful what you wish for; you might get it" situations.

She did agree to it, and I now have received dozens and dozens of disciplinary spankings and am well aware of what one entails. Yet, I still have a lot resistance to self-reporting and to asking for one even when I know it's fully deserved and part of me really wants it to happen to satisfy that need I have for accountability.  I don't think that resistance is all, or even mostly, about wanting to avoid the spanking.  It's more about being embarrassed about asking for it.  It's kind of odd that 15+ years into this, I probably have more embarrassment around specifically asking for a spanking or reporting something that I know will lead to one (which is really asking for it, just in a different form), than I do about the prospect of others knowing that I do, in fact, get spanked.  

What about you? What role has shame or embarrassment played historically with respect to your spanking and discipline desires? Have you ever been ashamed of wanting or needing to be in a DD or FLR relationship?  Are you ever ashamed of being a grown man who still needs someone else to impose boundaries and provide consequences?  Would you be ashamed at some people knowing but not others?

 

I hope you all have a great week.