“Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!” ― Jillian Michaels
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline relationships. I hope you had a good week.
Finally, Halloween weekend! I can’t wait for it, yet as with Christmas, I am sure I will be sorry to see it go. I hope those of you in countries that celebrate it have a great time. I’ve even looking forward to handing out candy to trick-or-treaters this year, since last year we got virtually none thanks to Covid.
I thought we had a good, wide-ranging discussion last week. It seems like we do always find new angles from which to address the topics of witnesses and others knowing. I do want to thank Alan for telling us about the two instances in which others have overheard one of his spankings. I had been in a bit of a funk where DD was concerned, and his story of his girlfriend and a friend coming home from shopping and his girlfriend sending upstairs for a spanking really was, for me, quite arousing. I even told my wife about it, as an example of the level of control or openness that I find both fascinating and scary. So, Alan, thanks for sharing.
I also need to reflect more on the general topic of openness and the associated concept of community. Caged Lion brought up the community aspect of some kinky practices:
I think that one of the appeals of the DWC was the opportunity share and validate disciplinary experiences. I spent many years as an active member of an in-person BDSM organization. It felt good to be among "my" people. We are social animals. DD is an isolating experience. Sex isn't because even though we don't share it with others, we all know everyone does "it."
That's far from the reality for those of us who practice DD. It would be nice to have a community, no matter how small, to validate our practices. In my capacity as a member of BDSM organizations, I've spanked and have been spanked in front of others many times. I never thought about the people watching while I was in the scene. It felt good that my kink was validated by others (lots of others!).
ZM concurred, but also pointed out the limitations of this current blog when it comes to community building:
[I]t would be great to have some sort of community to validate our practices. We do have that here, but the anonymous, virtual nature of it does take away somewhat compared to live human interaction.
Believe me, I too feel the desire for more community and am acutely aware of the blog’s limitations in bringing one about. A few years back, I had an email exchange with Aunt Kay of the Disciplinary Wives Club, and I still recall her describing its get-togethers as being fun precisely because they were a “naughty shared secret.” I also admit to getting very aroused when Tomy has shared stories about being sent to another wife for a spanking or when other husbands were sent to Aunt Kay. Even without something that participatory, it would just be nice to have more genuine human contact around this whole thing, and it is clear that the thing that most gets in the way of that is our collective desire for anonymity. The reason Aunt Kay and Tomy were able to foster something deeper is, as far as I can tell, because they were willing to give up anonymity and simply trust others a bit.
I’m not really sure where I’ll take this desire for community over time. Perhaps nowhere, as I haven’t gotten any signal from Anne that she has some burning desire to be more open about this, though perhaps one helpful development is that since buying her new bath brush, she has taken to leaving both it and the ebony hairbrush on very open display on the countertop in our bathroom. We had been leaving the hairbrush out for a while, but there was little about a hairbrush on display where one would normally use a hairbrush that was likely to draw attention. The two brushes together, and the bath brush several feet away from the shower and bathtub, seem far more likely to get a quizzical reaction from anyone who might see them. Of course, the only one likely to see them would be one of the kids, but that in itself is evidence of Anne getting a bit more risqué in allowing others a veiled glimpse into this side of our relationship. As ZM’s recent adventures with openness demonstrate, you never know what will happen once even a small change starts to happen.
In that vein, it’s funny how much can change in a week. In last week’s post, I admitted to feeling pretty uninspired by blogging and even about DD itself. That happens from time to time, but I really was starting to wonder whether we had hit some inflection point and that going forward it might not be as big a thing for us. Yet, for no apparent reason it came surging back this week with a vengeance. Well, it’s not quite true that it was for no reason. I do think that Alan’s stories about overheard spankings partially triggered some renewed interest. A friend of mine in a M/f dynamic also let me know that after an unavoidable hiatus, she and her husband recently got back on track.
Further, I think my need for accountability once again asserted itself once it had something to react to. As I reported last week, my behavior has improved in major ways over the last year. But, over the last couple of weeks, there were a couple of incidents that suggested things might be drifting, or at least that things could if some of the behavior wasn’t nipped in the bud. It was on my mind last week, to such an extent that I was on the verge of asking her for a spanking. But, we had some unanticipated family get-togethers that got in the way, though it still stayed on my mind. Another big impediment was simply inertia. Once you get out of the habit of actually doing DD or communicating about it, it can be surprisingly hard (for me at least) to just suddenly raise it, particularly since in doing so I essentially would be outright asking for a spanking that I clearly need but still don’t want.
I called out the pattern I was seeing, but I went beyond suggesting a spanking to get back on course. Instead, I owned up to the fact that the whole DD aspect of our relationship had drifted, and I told her I felt like to get it back on track we might need to go back to some of the structure we imposed very early on, including more formalized reporting.
Many years ago, when we were trying to move DD from a somewhat sporadic experiment to more of an ongoing relationship feature, I had instituted a form of weekly communication that now seems almost laughably cryptic and paranoia-induced. One obviously simple form of reporting was to simply send her an email each week, reminding her to think about whether there was anything she wanted to address and self-reporting any bad behavior that I felt she probably should address.
The problem was, Anne has a habit of not deleting emails, and I was so paranoid about others finding out (see above discussion about impediments to openness), that I used a very cryptic euphemism in the header for the topic of DD spanking and I seldom listed any actual behavior at issue. As silly as it seems to me today, I was that concerned that someone might hack or email or just accidentally see something in an open inbox. The result was that it seldom really prodded her to action, and I often neglected to send it, particularly when I really deserved a spanking but really wanted to avoid it.
Anyway, this week I decided to dust off that old process. I told her in the journal that I want to start sending her those reminders weekly, but this time I will be required to expressly list out any behavioral issues and to state expressly and frankly whether, in my own opinion, I should be spanked. I also suggested that if I fail to send an email, that should result in a separate spanking for failing to report.
This system is about as simple as can be, and I do think that some of my previous failures to implement real reporting and check-ins were the result of trying to do too much. I also recognize that I am laying a pretty embarrassing paper trail in the very unlikely event that someone were to get into her email. But, I’ve decided I can live with that. In fact, I see it as a way of making myself feel more vulnerable and under her control, which was something else some of you (Danielle and ZM in particular) talked about last week.
It also fits in with me trying to be more open in general with her about some of what is going on in my head and other body parts, including being honest about some other fantasies and kinks that I might never want to try in real life but do kind of want her to know about.
The new system has been in place for a whopping two days, but so far so good. Yesterday morning I sent her the required email, and it stated expressly that yes, I should be spanked for the trend in bad conduct over the last couple of weeks. This morning, she had to leave for something that was going to keep us apart for the rest of today. Shortly before she left and as she was packing up to go, she announced matter-of-factly that she was going to take care of my spanking before leaving. She then proceeded to put me over her knee and give me a short but effective spanking with her bath brush.
I don’t have any formal topics related to all this, so feel free to discuss anything that resonates with you. And, again, Happy Halloween!