“Instruction is good
for a child; but example is worth more.” ― Alexandre Dumas, Twenty Years After
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples
Club. Our weekly gathering of men and
women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline
relationships.
I hope you all had a good
week. Life continues to normalize a bit
where we live, though I’m coming to doubt that there just won’t be any part of
2020 that qualifies as normal. And, maybe
that’s a good thing. A lot of
(justified) anger out there and, hopefully, an equal amount of reflection and self-examination. If you’re a person prone to reflection and
self-examination, that is.
And, while things have
started to open up here, it’s a little one-sided and may reinforce some bad
trends. Restaurants have been opening up
for the last couple of weeks to one degree or another. Friends who were under quarantine
are now getting together socially. So,
we’re all back to eating and drinking as much or more than we were under quarantine.
Gyms, on the other hand, are still largely closed or are just beginning to open
with limited access. So, plenty of bad
food, plenty of bad drink, but limited options for working it all off.
While last week was a little subdued
with respect to the number of comments, there was some good stuff. Among the quotes I gravitated to:
"More,
or perhaps the better word is 'different', responsibility falls on me because
I'm in charge and I'm also a caring person." - Carol
"Yes.
It's good to be boss." - Carol
“He
thought I should no longer say please and thank you to him because that didn’t
sound dominant to him. He said I should be more “imperious”, i.e. bitchy. I
wasn’t comfortable dropping the social niceties, even though I expected him to
treat my polite requests as orders. He was so insistent about it that one day I
blew up and tore a strip off him for presuming to tell me how I had to speak.
In the long run, as I became comfortable with my dominant status, I started to
develop a bitchy tone, dropping the please and thank you’s. But I needed to
follow my own path at my own pace.” - Danielle
“Incidentally, the problem wasn’t a reluctance to spank on my part. On the contrary, I had started to enjoy spankings. I liked having the power to humble Wayne that way. I liked the one-sided “discussions” when he was bent over with his bottom bared. I liked deciding whether to use the paddle, the hairbrush, or the strap, and how long and hard to apply them depending on my mood and the reason for punishment. I liked the sound of the implements striking bare skin. I liked how responsive he was, physically and vocally. I think Brett is right about spanking being “a form of communication.” As such, it is a form of self expression for the spanker.” - Danielle
“I
definitely felt more responsibility for his happiness at each stage than the
stage before. I also feel more responsible for his behavior. The burden of that
responsibility went down when we acknowledged that we have a wife led marriage.
Before, if he misbehaved, I would feel obligated to do something about it but
wouldn't know quite what to do and I felt like I needed to convince him to
accept whatever I did. Now, I know I can use my paddle anytime he acts up. It
is still a burden, but much less so. Sometimes I feel obligated to paddle his
behind when I would rather be doing something else. (I'm kinda embarrassed to
admit that I sometimes get into a mood where I really enjoy it.)” – Anonymous
Lots of good stuff in there. Some of the discussion regarding how the
sense of responsibility felt by some of the disciplinary plays out, if at all,
in how they themselves behave and whether it ensures that the rules and
expectations are fair and reasonable.
Basically, it got me thinking
about whether making the rules and enforcing them have a positive influence on
the leader’s own choices and behavior.
If your husband sometimes over-indulges in food or alcohol, does holding
him responsible for those choices make you more likely to behave yourself? If you discipline him for being a slob and
not getting chores done, does that make you more likely to clean up your own
messes? If you hate his backseat
driving, do you check your own tendency to tell others how to drive when you’re
a passenger.
Or, in terms of impact of
spanking on behavior, is it a purely one-way street?
Tell us about whether practicing
DD makes you more or less likely to lead by example. Has disciplining him made you more
disciplined, whether at home or in other aspects of your life? Does your own behavior enter into your rule making or disciplinary practices?
I’ll end this post with a
drawing Red posted a few weeks ago. It has nothing at all to do with this week’s
post. I just loved it, and it took me a
good five minutes of staring before I could see “happy people.”
I hope you all have a good week.
At the beginning of our relationship, we both worked on the agreement and 'rules'. Both behavior rules and household rules. She is a bit more of a 'Do as I say' person than a 'Do as I do'. Not that her behavior is suspect, but I dare not try to excuse any of my behavior by saying she did something similar. The photo of the blonde with the "I have the pussy, so I make the rules' T shirt is the closest to the bottom line here. Her response is more like 'I'm the Dominant, that's why'. So instead of leading by example it is more like she leads by authority. Now don't misunderstand, I am very happy with her being in charge and delivering discipline when and how she sees fit. It is the lifestyle I wanted and we are both quite happy.
ReplyDelete"She is a bit more of a 'Do as I say' person than a 'Do as I do'." Whatever works for both of you, and it sounds like that does
DeleteI have definitely had to change my behavior since I started spanking my husband. One of the things I punish him for is objectifying women's bodies, including mine. But he happens to have a really cute butt that I would make comments about. He didn't mind at all, but I felt I needed to stop objectifying him if I was going to punish him for objectifying me - even if he liked receiving those comments while I did not (although sometimes I did). It was one of those things that had to be all or nothing, it seemed to me. So I stopped. With us living in the same house but not having sex, he has a hard time not making comments, and while I sympathize with his horniness (which I feel too), I still send him for the bath brush. As I have heard others say, his mouth gets his ass in trouble!
ReplyDeleteBelle
Belle, I have spanked my husband for having a wandering eye in public, but I don’t punish him for objectifying women in general for exactly the reasons you mention: I also objectify men to some extent, and I like it when he tells me that I am hot (even though I know he is a shameless flatterer).
DeleteDanielle
Danielle,
DeleteI totally agree about the wandering eye. Not only is he objectifying them, he is disrespecting me. Last time he stared at another girl's ass while walking next to me, I reached up and grabbed his chin (he is a foot taller than me) and turned his head toward me and told him he was going to get it as soon as we got home. And did he ever! I am NOT putting up with that any longer!
He can tell me I am cute or hot. I like that. But when he says "you have such a f**kable ass," which he did the other day when I walked by him in tight jeans, then I say "and you have a spankable ass, so go get the bath brush."
Belle
As a man, I am very happy to be objectified. Just wish it happened more often!
DeleteYea, when you aren't being objectified all the time, it's fun to have it happen. When it happens all the time, you want RESPECT!
DeleteBelle
Dan,
Delete"As a man, I am very happy to be objectified. Just wish it happened more often!"
You sound like my husband lol. He actually was "objectified" a little when we were away at our home in the mountains for our anniversary. He loved it and was all full of himself, and he thanked me. I have been discouraging eating of junk foods. It sounds like I'm boring but we splurge on the weekend with dessert on Sunday and coffee cake on Saturday. The rest of the time, we eat healthy snacks. The neighbor was out walking her dog, a beautiful collie. With the lock down she had not seen us since the holidays (its a very rural area). She's fairly loud and opinionated, in a nice way, and complimented us both because we had lost weight. She really gave a lot of compliments about how good my husband looked. He was thinner, seemed more fit, tanned (he's always tans easily), and she loved his shaved head (Hair loss made him sad and he was convinced he looked older; actually he looks much younger now). After we spoke to her for a short time we continued our walk. He said, "Carol, you were right about the junk foods." He smiled the whole day!
Regards,
CarolH.
"She's fairly loud and opinionated, in a nice way." We had one of those too.
DeleteDan, I think I can quite honestly say that I lead by example. When I have paddled my husband for indulging in snack foods or skipping a workout, for example, I don’t feel hypocritical because I have much more self discipline than he does. He has sometimes called me a “fitness fanatic”, and I have to confess the label fits. Before FLR I used to nag at Wayne sometimes about those things. FLR enables me to enforce higher expectations for him, but I am still less strict with him than I am with myself.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to housework, he does most of it now. But when I do pitch in, I never do a half assed job because my mother raised me with strict standards that I internalized. My husband has made progress towards meeting my standards, but he hasn’t totally internalized them, so he does require some disciplinary oversight. So now, when I do lend a hand, I often turn it into a lesson for him—and for our adult son who is living here—making a point of showing them how it should be done.
My husband admits that he is naturally a little lazy and has a tendency to procrastinate. I think the problem is that he lives in his head more than I do. He is more of a thinker, and I am more of a doer. I wouldn’t want to remake him completely in my image. I love him the way he is. But because I am more practical and grounded and more self disciplined than him, I honestly believe I am more suited to be head of the household than he would be.
Danielle
"But because I am more practical and grounded and more self disciplined than him, I honestly believe I am more suited to be head of the household than he would be." That's probably true for us, too, though it depends on the issue. She's been very disciplined about working out lately, but I've been pretty disciplined for many years on that score. I also probably am less prone to procrastination. Though, in most other areas she's probably more disciplined, or at least more grounded.
DeleteThis has me very curious. And this isn't directed only to Danielle, but all the ladies, and WTH, even the men: Do any of you have a relationship where objectively speaking the male is MORE capable and qualified to be the HoH, and yet relinquishes that title for whatever personal reasons motivate that decision?
DeleteDanger! Danger, Will Robinson! :-)
Deletekdpierre,
DeleteYou asked, "Do any of you have a relationship where objectively speaking the male is MORE capable and qualified to be the HoH, and yet relinquishes that title for whatever personal reasons motivate that decision?"
Yes, I believe my husband could be an effective HoH today, but remains submissive. Thirty years ago? He could not have been HoH. He's a great guy and I don't want to list faults because everyone has faults. But, as I've said, he came from a very poor background with little discipline or guidance. He even told me had had low expectations. Having grown up with very little, he wanted everything when he began working. He began driving up our debt, living just for the moment and not caring about the future. We even began to have credit card debit. That's fine if you are wealthy and can just pay everything off when bills come in. We couldn't. I showed him that if you buy smart and save, you have more. He's done a 180, or very close to it. If something were to happen to me, he's certainly capable. He has a fetish to be submissive to me, and that makes me HoH.
Great question.
CarolH.
Thank you, Carol. Despite Dan's warning, I'd like to see more responses to it. The last few posts in other sections make me think the answer is 'no' for most here. And it is interesting that while the answer is 'yes' for you NOW, it would have been 'no' also in the past.
DeleteKD, that is a good question. The answer is yes, there are certain respects in which my husband would be more suited to be the HoH than I am. One big thing is that he contributes more income than I do to our marriage, and he handles the financial planning, taxes, etc. He also handles the purchasing and maintenance of the vehicles and major home repairs. I don’t presume to exercise disciplinary oversight for those things because he knows more than I do about them. Even in the aspects of household management and personal behavior where I choose to exercise disciplinary authority, he does not truly need my discipline. He could function perfectly well without me paddling his bum or disciplining him in other ways. I would say about my husband what Carol said about hers: he is submissive to me and accepts discipline from me because he has a sexual fetish that makes him desire it.
DeleteDanielle
Danielle: "But because I am more practical and grounded and more self disciplined than him, I honestly believe I am more suited to be head of the household than he would be." Whoa! LOL.....wasn't this you? ;-) This is leading me to another question: When you ladies talk about DD here, how much is dispassionately factual, and how much is you all having some fetish fun of your own?
DeleteThe reason I ask is that I get plenty of my real life kicks in real life and read things here more literally. When I see some of the comments about the irresponsibility of the men here (sometimes astounding characterizations of men who sound a lot like newcomer Mary's "Peter Pan) and how the ladies need to discipline them so they act like adults, I start to get a very negative view of these men. But now I'm wondering if they are really as bad as they are made out to be, and a lot of the DD-talk is more fetish-driven, but with aspects of real life contributing to the reasons for discipline. That is more like how Rosa and I operate and I was thinking that we were an exception. Now I'm thinking that perhaps we're not?
Maybe that could be a topic: when writing here ...or elsewhere .....about DD, how much is real, issue-driven need, and how much is sexual fetish with an eye towards playing up and then using the little things that any human could be occasionally guilty of as fuel for spanking fire?
KD, I think I have consistently acknowledged that my husband’s femdom kinks are the foundation of our FLR. And I don't think I have ever said that he is so lacking in self discipline that he wouldn’t be a functional adult if not for my hairbrush. But I don’t think that is inconsistent with my perception that I am more practical and grounded and, yes, self disciplined about the kinds of things I do sometimes punish him for. I doubt that my FLR with Wayne is any less “fetish driven” than your relationship with Rosa, though we are not as open about it as you are. It amazes me how open you are. I have the impression that it is easier for me to call the shots with Wayne than it would be for Rosa to do so with you. I know I may be wrong about that, so please don’t take offence if I am. I just have the feeling that my husband is more submissive and compliant than you. I would add that keeping the focus on DD, to respect the spirit of Dan’s blog, means that I leave some pretty kinky aspects of our FLR out of the picture. Is everything I write “dispassionately factual”? Factual, yes. I’m not making stuff up. Dispassionately? No, not really. I have discovered that it is fun and kind of sexy to talk about FLR. Otherwise I wouldn’t do it. I have spoken before about an urge I have had to be more public in dominating my husband. Writing about it anonymously is like a taste of that.
DeleteDanielle
Danielle,
Delete"I have discovered that it is fun and kind of sexy to talk about FLR. Otherwise I wouldn’t do it. I have spoken before about an urge I have had to be more public in dominating my husband. Writing about it anonymously is like a taste of that."
Yes, I won't push the envelope on Dan's blog, but my husband created a monster when he requested a DD/FLR and then wanted me to take on even more authority. I think there's a part of my naughty husband that actually likes the fact that a mutual friend we've both had for year and years has pretty well guessed that I hold the power in our marriage. From a few comments she's made to my husband (he sees her more associated with his work) and even to me she's pretty well guessed it right. I'd never confirm it, however. It might be fun to out my husband as a disciplined husband to a complete stranger on something like a cruise (if they ever run safely again). As much as I'm completely sure he would not want to have friends know, I bet he'd be more open to public dominating to strangers we'd never see again. I guess I shouldn't call my husband my "naughty husband" with that idea, but I'm in charge after all.
Regards,
CarolH.
Danielle: OK, I can see that explanation. Thanks for clarifying.
DeleteAs for us? Well, I suppose anyone reading my posts or comments probably would expect the task of Topping me to be near-impossible.......and yet? LOL It happens an awful lot. ;-)
I'm glad you directed this one towards the ladies. This way I can just comment on the images, of which the first, second, and fourth were my favorites. The optical illusion at the end also had me struggling to find the happy people at first, but ironically once I found them, the other images were hard to reconjure. I think we should be forgiven though because at our ages, who the hell do we know that are THAT thin? No wonder we didn't see them!
ReplyDeleteAs for leading by example? I am a firm believer in it....especially as a parent, and as an ex-manager. I just don't know anyone quite so ideal as to be able to execute it consistently in a relationship though............unless of course the person leading is somewhat responsible while their follower is a semi-consistent fuck-up? ;-) Otherwise here, at least, it's a mixed bag.
Yeah, definitely no adult in my circle that thin!
Delete"Mixed bag" - same for us.
Jimmy still can't see the dancing skinny people. He says, "All I can see is pussy!"
DeleteOh well ... more small-head thinking ...
Belle
It definitely took me awhile.
DeleteHi Dan,
ReplyDeleteYour topic made me realize that the vast majority of the behaviors that trigger discipline in our relationship are simply not behaviors my wife practices or are any kind of problem for her.For sure the major behaviors are not. She is not perfect of course ( although sometimes I tell her she is)but DD to us was a focus on things I did either to harm myself ( smoking) or to harm our relationship. She can and has used her authority beyond the scope of those things but not very often.In a sense she does lead by example since her example is not to do the things that can get me in trouble.She did have experience on the other side of the paddle in a prior relationship but that is not something she considers a positive experience
Alan
Interesting observation. My wife is somewhat similar, though not purely so. She's never smoked. I used to, and I did quit largely because of her, but that predates our DD relationship. My biggest problem over time has been bingeing on alcohol. Every once in a while she has too much, but it's pretty rare.
DeleteThe more Jimmy drinks, the more likely he is to make disrespectful comments about women. He thinks he's being funny. But he doesn't think the bath brush is funny!
DeleteBelle
Dan, Danielle
ReplyDeleteI am glad I was able to contribute to on the last blog entry. I started out several times to try to answer the excellent questions you have for this week. First, like Danielle said in her comments, my husband does most of the household chores, officially. He's also picked up the task of food shopping. If I have to help him and pitch in, I will. I'll try to set a good example for him when I do. I said in a prior comment, "It's good to be boss." I meant it because he has been treating me like a queen. I cook through the week and he makes the kitchen spotless for me. He does the many other tasks without me asking. I'm the type that would feel bad, except he really wants to do this. He's submissive and this is part of his happiness. I lead by example in some things, like healthy eating. I don't have to set examples with the authority I have. I set the rules. He and I discuss the rules, and any new ones. Like Danielle commented, "FLR enables me to enforce higher expectations for him, but I am still less strict with him than I am with myself." That's true, in some things. I do notice he's much better behaved if I review his work and we go through a more formal feedback session. He got a few taps of the cane this weekend for screwing up a couple of things on his chores. This actually fed into his submissive personality and it wasn't serious punishment. It led to some interesting activities later.
Last thing, Danielle said "I honestly believe I am more suited to be head of the household than he would be." Yes, I think it applies to my marriage. I couldn't have said it better. My husband said I always was the head of the marriage, and I suppose that's true.
Thanks and have a great week.
Regards,
CarolH.
"I honestly believe I am more suited to be head of the household than he would be." - I think my wife probably feels that way, though I haven't asked. I do think that she's had to overcome *a lot* of socialization that put the man in charge regardless of relative competence or steadiness
DeleteDan,
Delete"I do think that she's had to overcome *a lot* of socialization that put the man in charge regardless of relative competence or steadiness."
Teaching a woman to "obey" seems to be a societal norm that's fading. My mother raised me to ultimately be the follower of a husband and not head of the household. I don't think her teaching held because I had to develop a tough personality or be left behind by my siblings. I grew up tough though since I was the youngest and teased. They learned fairly early not to tease me too much because it made me feisty. My sister is a couple of years older and she has very traditional values.
I've said this before, but my husband was an only child. He was undisciplined and unmotivated in his youth. A single parent and a grandparent did their best, but he was constantly alone and never given much in the way of motivation and had no male role models. I think I understand why he wants a dominant wife. Well, he's got one ;-)
Regards,
CarolH.
I just want to be an equal. But it seems like to be an equal with a man, a woman has to take control of something - our sex life, or punishment, or finances, or ... And then we aren't equals, are we? OK, then I'd rather be the one doing the controlling than the one being controlled. Is there any such thing as equality in marriage? That's what I hoped for.
DeleteBelle
Is there any such thing as equality in marriage? Here is an answer from one of my favorite bloggers: https://learningandlivingaflr.blogspot.com/2015/01/is-any-marriage-ever-really-equal.html
DeleteWhile your rhetorical question was about marriage, I've come to think over time that real, true equality seems like a nice goal, but in reality it can be really problematic. My business tends to be very hierarchical, and usually there is some objective factor that makes one person "the decider" in the event of a disagreement. But, a couple of years ago, I was working on a project with someone who I liked immensely, had enormous respect for, and who was just as bullheaded as me. Once every couple of months, he'd see an issue one way and I'd see it another, and it was really "irresistible force meets immovable object" kind of stuff. We would get in knock down, drag out verbal brawls not just about the decision but about whose opinion should win in the event of a stalemate. It was really unworkable, and it was unworkable precisely because we had a truly equal relationship, and there was no hierarchy or chain of command to break a tie in this particular instance. It convinced me that while people can have ultimate authority for different things, the overall relationship does work better if there is someone who is the decider for each of those things.
Since most of my paddlings of Art are about his work performance, I would love to have some objective measure of how he is behaving there. I am going to speak with him about this. A performance review that talks about his attitude, arrogance sarcasm, would definitely by a reason for a session over the desk! Of course he isn't back to work yet, but so far the evaluations of how the paddlings are working are all from Art. This conversation is giving me ideas!
DeleteLiz.
Dan,
DeleteI'm leaning more and more toward "I have the pussy, so I make the rules." I wouldn't call it FLR because I still want Jimmy to have his swagger. But between the bath brush and denying him pussy I can basically get him to do whatever I want. And he seems very accepting of both tactics. Oh, he grouses about being horny and getting spanked, but it's not like he wants to end it; he wants back together desperately, and he seems more than willing to do it on my terms.
I would never embarrass him in public by treating him like he's whipped. But that's just what he would be: whipped in more ways than one.
Belle
I don't think of myself as a role model to my husband, although I think it does happen sort of subconsciously, and spanking is part of it. The area where we have disagreed most is on how to treat our children. I believe in the way I was raised: a lot of love and attention, a lot of respect, a lot of spanking for clear violations of rules, and virtually no raised voices and certainly no sarcasm and putdowns. My husband is the king of the putdown, and it led to us separating briefly, as we both have related, and also to the beginning of our DD. For years before that I would tell my husband he should spank more and yell less, but he did not listen. Now our children are older and we reason with them more, and he is good at that. I think he has paid more attention to my way, how I can discipline them without yelling and putdowns. I spank the kids much less now. I am not sure if that is just because they are older or if there is some correlation with DD: spank your husband more, spank your kids less?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had been more of a role model for him in the early years, and I tried to be, but he was not a good listener. He does listen to the paddle. I just wish I had taken it up sooner, as my parents did.
Liz
Your husband and I share some tendencies. I don't think I ever consciously engaged in "putdowns" with the kids, but I do have a habit of teasing. I think most of the time they were amused by it and took it as intended, though I'm sure there were times it crossed a line.
DeleteI grew up in a sarcastic household, while Liz grew up in a spanking household. In my family we considered sarcasm a form of humor. But Liz finds it offensive, taking it literally. I still would argue that it is humor, but if so many find it offensive then I need to limit it to those who get the humor, and that does not include young children. That's where my main fault lay with the family.
DeleteNow at work, I admit to some arrogance that goes beyond sarcasm, where I do literally mean the comment and I am hiding behind the possibility of sarcasm.
Either way, the paddle has helped change the way I relate to others, and Liz has modeled a more straightforward way.
Arthur
My immediate family wasn't sarcastic, but I had younger uncles who were merciless teasers, one in particular. But, I never thought of it as mean or demeaning and I'm confident they never meant it to be. If anything, it made me faster on my feet.
DeletePersonally, I love sarcasm. It makes me laugh at loud. I think people can get away with more when they are sarcastic because everybody thinks they're kidding, even if they're not. When somebody says something dumb, isn't it better to say snidely "Now that was a smart remark" rather than to say straight up "Now that was dumb"?
DeleteBelle
I guess I should add that yes, when he was treating the kids poorly I did make sure that I was treating them well, in the h
ReplyDeleteope of compensating for some of his behavior. I would tell them how much he loved them and respected them, and make some apologies for his behavior. It wasn't the best approach, but it was all I knew how to do. When I left, which was the hardest decision of my life, I was hoping it would be a wakeup call for him - I did not want a divorce. And it was his wakeup call. My mother's angry comment to him that he needed a good thrashing set the methodology to change his behavior through DD. But it was my leaving that proved to him that he needed to change. In one sense that was leading by example and holding him accountable. Now when he hands me the paddle and bends over the desk, he is saying, "Hold me accountable." And I certainly do!
Liz
Liz
I had to stare at the drawing for awhile to not see the happy people. Just kidding. I think it’s the two belly buttons that fooled me. :)
ReplyDelete“I may not be perfect but I’m the one with the hairbrush. You’re the one with the bare bottom.”
Somehow that’s an attitude I find exciting. I’d bet money those are words projected by a guy’s wishful thinking.
I wouldn’t want my discipline kink to be a burden on my wife, in that she’s saddled with the responsibility of setting an example for me. She likely has some weaknesses or faults, and just because she would qualify for criticism, that doesn’t make that same issue an acceptable failure for me. However, if she is better disciplined than me in some aspect of life, then that does put her in a better position to lead in that regard. Discipline is more of a turn on when she’s an authority I look up to. It’s more about what fair expectations we have for each other. Like if I’m running late, I should call her so she doesn’t worry, and she should do the same. The difference is that in an FLR, the consequences for carelessness for her are probably not the same as for me.
“I may not be perfect but I’m the one with the hairbrush. You’re the one with the bare bottom.” - It is a stimulating statement of authority, isn't it?
DeleteBrett,
Delete"Like if I’m running late, I should call her so she doesn’t worry, and she should do the same. The difference is that in an FLR, the consequences for carelessness for her are probably not the same as for me."
My husband was notorious for not letting me know if he was running late, not answering my text messages, and staying out an unusually long time. I warned him many times. I always let him know if I'm running behind or will be delayed in some way. That's only fair. I solved the problem by making new rules: My text messages get answered promptly, always, unless he has a very good reason like driving the car. If he doesn't I'll make a mental note of it and we'll discuss it when discipline time arrives. Or, if he's been lazy about answering I'll require him to text me regularly the next time he's out (I've been using 30 minute intervals) with a status and location, again unless he has a very good reason like driving the car. I told him there's nobody to blame for these requirements except for the guy that he sees in the mirror. These requirements sound harsh (I know he loves the attention). They get annoying and they did end him being so thoughtless. I still occasionally make him text me every 30 minutes, mainly because I can but also because it's reminder to him to think and not make me worry.
CarolH.
When we were living as husband and wife, I hated him being late. Now that we are living as roommates, I don't care. I don't keep tabs on him and he doesn't keep tabs on me. Hmmm ...
DeleteBelle
Carol, I’ve always been better about calling than my wife. I tend to be more aware of the issue from both sides. She’s gotten much better about it over the years because she knows I worry. It’s one of those issues that lends itself to DD but, in the end, if we know we’re doing (or not doing) something that’s a problem for our spouse, we change because we don’t want them to have the problem. I like how you’re handling it with your husband. Despite my fetish that drives my interest in DD, imposing discipline for reasons involving real care and concern is what I love about these kinds of relationships.
DeleteBrett,
Delete"Despite my fetish that drives my interest in DD, imposing discipline for reasons involving real care and concern is what I love about these kinds of relationships."
Having so much authority in my marriage really does come with responsibility. I could be very cruel, and my husband might love it provided I wasn't constantly cruel. There are some fun discipline sessions that feed into his submissive personality, but I think real punishment goes farther when its given out for something that's a real issue or concern and that makes a situation better. There was no serious pain involved with his lack of responding to me or letting me know when he's running behind. Now he has accepted that the rule for him to answer my text or phone call WITHOUT DELAY is something he must permanently put up with because he didn't listen to warnings and he was preoccupied. He wasn't thinking that I was worried about him. I didn't want to micromanage him in this way, but I give him credit that its a non-issue today.
Thanks,
CarolH.
Hi – this is Mary.
ReplyDeleteI married Peter Pan. He is the only child of a well off professional couple. He had things done for him always. He is sweet , adventurous and cute. But he had trouble following through and doing his share. For example, if he wanted to go camping, we would get there, he would put up the tent and he would be off fishing. All the rest fell on me.
I, on the other hand had to work for everything I had. I worked my way through school. I had to organize my time and budget my finances. There was no choice.
We have been married for seven years now. About five years ago, I asserted my authority over him. I took his spanking fetish and turned it to my advantage.
I tried being willful, purposely leaving messes for him to clean. We went camping and he did everything. There was some short term satisfaction in turning the tables on him but that did not last long. I wanted to raise him up, not sink to his level.
So yes, I lead by example. I use the hairbrush to extend the self-discipline in my life to imposed discipline on his.
He is still Peter Pan. Only he is not my bad little boy but my good big boy.
He could not be happier. We figured out that his spanking fetish really was a cry out for maternal discipline. He was Mr. Environment but could never actually take care of a garden. Now he is happy to plant and water and weed.
He is also more successful at work. I made him show me his six month evaluation from his supervisor. She said he does his work but shows no initiative. For the next six months, we had monthly discussions, with him over my knee and me with my hairbrush. He showed significant initiative and was promoted.
Carol and Danielle – I just want to say I love reading your comments. You help me think through what I am doing and help me set goals. Thanks!
Mary,
DeleteThank you. I'm very glad to hear things are working out well for you and your husband. My husband had advances in his career once he started listening to me, and when felt the sting of a paddle or cane from time to time he wanted. Not too many years ago he would come home frustrated from work. He'd be upset he was passed over or upset he didn't get an assignment he wanted and knew he could do. I always say "nothing is perfect" but I believe, and he has admitted, DD played a big part in finally making him be aware of things in his office, in setting some realistic goals for himself, and in speaking up when the time is right. He is submissive to me by choice, but he isn't a weak or unintelligent man. Just the opposite. I'm not surprised he's had success on the job because he always had strong abilities and the desire. Those are two things I could never give him. He just needed to set some direction for himself. My husband doesn't like to disappoint the boss at home. I also think his craving for a little discipline makes him happy, and with all he loves to do it certainly makes my life easier.
Regards,
CarolH.
“I use the hairbrush to extend the self-discipline in my life to impose discipline on his.” This could be the motto of every couple who use spanking to discipline in their relationship. It almost perfectly conforms to my sense of what my wife is doing when she disciplines me. She is teaching me the self-discipline she already possesses in the areas of my life where it is lacking – especially in our relationship in those areas where my lack of self-discipline is self-destructive or threatens to harm our relationship. Mary has really figured it out and I applaud her and the several other female commentators on you r blog who have realized the spanking fetish can be a powerful positive force in a relationship if used as she Is using it to bring harmony and growth to the relationship
DeleteAlan
Hi Mary,
DeleteI am glad some of my comments have resonated with you. I like your remark, “I took his spanking fetish and turned it to my advantage.” That one short sentence explains exactly how the FLR I have with my husband came about.
I also love the line, “I use the hairbrush to extend the self-discipline in my life to impose discipline on his.”
And this: “He was Mr. Environment but could never actually take care of a garden. Now he is happy to plant and water and weed.” That is exactly what I meant when I said that my husband “lives in his head” more than I do. He thinks a lot about stuff, but he is sometimes slow about rolling up his sleeves and just doing it. I am the opposite.
When it comes to gardening, I am clearly the leader. Before FLR I did most of the gardening by myself. That was partially by choice because I enjoy gardening more than he does. I would enlist Wayne to provide some of the manual labor, but he was never enthusiastic. He still isn’t enthusiastic about manual garden labor, to be honest, but I don’t give him any choice about it now. Lol. This year I have been doing even more gardening, and requiring more labor from Wayne, as a result of the pandemic. Wayne isn’t entirely happy about that, so I sometimes motivate him with spanking threats while we are gardening. The other day I threatened to take his pants down and spank him on the spot in the backyard. I couldn’t really do that because our backyard is not quite private enough for that. But that made him look nervously at the wooden fence at the back of our lot because if the elderly lady on the house behind ours had been in her garden behind the fence, she could have heard the threat. I kind of like that.
Unlike you, I never brought my husband’s performance at work under disciplinary scrutiny. He was always a good provider, so I assume he performed well at work. That being said, given his temperament, it is likely that he could have had even greater success at work and gone farther up the ladder if he had been pushed there the way I push him when it comes to domestic duties. But it never occurred to me to try to do that, and now he is retired, so domestic duties are his full time job, and I am his only boss.
Danielle
I am interested in the work comments, and I think I posted this in the wrong place.
DeleteSince most of my paddlings of Art are about his work performance, I would love to have some objective measure of how he is behaving there. I am going to speak with him about this. A performance review that talks about his attitude, arrogance sarcasm, would definitely by a reason for a session over the desk! Of course he isn't back to work yet, but so far the evaluations of how the paddlings are working are all from Art. This conversation is giving me ideas!
Liz.
Sorry Liz - I thought I answered this but Ii guess I messed it up.
DeleteAnyway, Tom works for the state and the 6 month review is a very formal process. His supervisor feels out a form that has a few specific categories (time and attendance stuff) and room for written comments Then an overall 1 to 5 rating, She gives it to him and there is an interview in her office usually within a week. Now he brings it home and we have a discussion. As is our practice in general, a conversation means him over my knee with a bare bottom looking up at me and my hairbrush. He needs at least a rating of 4. it has been for a while now. So he only gets a reminder spanking. Mary
A
And what happens if he gets a 3? Ha ha
DeleteMy husband is in sales, so his "evaluation" is based on that, as are his commissions, and not a lot of selling has happened lately. I wish he had a separate evaluation for how he interacts with co-workers because that's where the issues are. He knows senior management discusses how everyone is doing, but he hasn't gotten much feedback, though he has been passed over for promotion. I'd like him to ask why and I think I know the answer, but he is rightfully hesitant to open that can of worms. I can imagine his DD response: "Yes, I can be overly sarcastic but my wife is paddling me for that now so it won't be a problem any more." Right!
Liz
He has only received one 3 in the last two years. He had a motivational spanking. He had to wait a full day before he went over my knee. We talked and I spanked. I needed him to provide me with a specific plan for improvement. He was over my knee for over an hour. Talk. Spank. Talk. Spank. The main issue was that he did not accomplish much early in the day. So he was given a 9 o'clock bedtime for two weeks. That way he would learn to show up at work bright eyed and bushy tailed.
DeleteWow, Danielle,
DeleteWe have never had close to that long a session. With us it's typically 20-50 swats with a paddle, so that's typically less than five minutes. I don't know what I would say over an hour!
Liz
The trick is to find a comfortable position. I like to use a couch so his weight is on his knees and elbows. I put a firm pillow under his chest so I can easily lean over and get up close to his face. I generally don't give him more than a dozen swats at a time and it is more talk than spank. In this incident, there were probably 6 or 7 sets of swats with one longer set at the end. If you are trying to change behavior, the talk part is very important. Mary
DeleteHi Mary. Thanks for the comments. Some great stuff in here.
ReplyDelete-- "There was some short term satisfaction in turning the tables on him but that did not last long. I wanted to raise him up, not sink to his level." That's a really great observation about what the goal should probably be.
"We figured out that his spanking fetish really was a cry out for maternal discipline. He was Mr. Environment but could never actually take care of a garden. Now he is happy to plant and water and weed." -- LMAO at that second sentence!
"He is also more successful at work. I made him show me his six month evaluation from his supervisor. She said he does his work but shows no initiative." That's really great. I would probably have asked my wife to do something similar, but we don't really have that kind of written evaluation process at my level.
Dan
DeleteI reread what I wrote and understand how you could see my nature boy in the garden as funny. But I actually see it as sexy. He is now doing the things that he said he wanted to do and that attracted me to him in the first place.
Last week he came into the kitchen with a basket full of greens and a big grin. I pulled him into the bedroom, gave him a good boy spanking and a good sexing.
Mary
kdpierre,
ReplyDeleteYou asked Danielle, "When you ladies talk about DD here, how much is dispassionately factual, and how much is you all having some fetish fun of your own?"
I'm answering for me, Danielle may feel different, but I've often had a similar question in my own mind when it comes to my husband and me. Since we started out with me spanking him mostly for erotic fun (more serious discipline later), he obviously liked it and I liked it because it made him happy, and because I thought it was a subtle way to correct him. Is it a fetish for him and for me? The answer is: Yes, to different extents. I don't know if I was the catalyst that awakened a need he had to eventually be submissive or not. Even my husband says he doesn't know. He said I was the first woman that ever spanked him in a playful or serious way. Discipline had a positive outcome for him. I recently told him "he was my little submissive hubby, all along," (lol). That may be true.
He and I are very happy. What we have works for us. It's probably a fetish for me, but one I could take or leave. I asked him to discipline me a few times over the years and he said, "I just can't do it." I'm being honest here, if all this all makes any sense. I'm about as sure as I can be that he likes our relationship as it is. So, I’m the boss. I didn't lift a finger this weekend and my husband didn't want me to. He brought me coffee in bed, cooked and cleaned up, ran my bath, gave me a towel when I rinsed off, helped me dry off, massaged my feet after a long walk we had, brewed green tea I like and brought an afternoon snack to me. So, I guess I have fetish fun too, but sprinkled with giving him serious discipline he seems to occasionally need.
CarolH.
I'm enjoying these answers. A very different picture is emerging about who your spouses really are as partners. This really kind of prompts an evaluation of how people are being presented based on the motives of the person writing. For me it's a far cry between a husband's rampant irresponsibility being the necessitating impetus behind DD as motivator for laziness, or deterrent for overindulgence, and a recognition that the husband is actually quite self-sufficient and responsible and DD is used more as a titillating way to address more minor misbehavior that any normal human may be occasionally susceptible to....even the person in the leading role and that the desire to use it is more sexual than pragmatic. On one hand, hearing past accounts of the spouses here made me cringe at how these people were able to function at work or as parents, but now I'm seeing these more "adult husband as immature slacker" depictions might be more exaggerated for the sake of a good DD anecdote than being 100% accurate. Hmmmmmm.
DeleteKD, you said: "On one hand, hearing past accounts of the spouses here made me cringe at how these people were able to function at work or as parents, but now I'm seeing these more "adult husband as immature slacker" depictions might be more exaggerated for the sake of a good DD anecdote than being 100% accurate. Hmmmmmm." I think there is another option: the accounts were 100% accurate in what they said but not 100% exhaustive. It's the difference between, "He sucks at A,B and C" and "He sucks and A, B, and C" but is good at "D, E and F." Both may be accurate, but one is more exhaustive or nuanced.
DeleteDan: Well I guess a bit more nuance is enabling me to enjoy participation more than when I was wincing and cringing over what was being left out or downplayed. And I never said that what people write here is made up.......oh wait.....LOL. In a couple of past situations I think I did. ;-)
DeleteDan, KD, et al
DeleteIt is a commonplace to say that we all have strengths and weaknesses, often substantial strengths and appalling weaknesses. But even more relevant to this line of discussion is that many of us are a bundle of contradictions, neither saint nor sinner, but both. It may be a paradox (or may not) but humans are simply not consistent in their behavior. Few people who know me in the “real world” would recognize the guy who earlier this week had his pants taken down by his wife and soundly spanked because he threw a stupid tantrum at an inanimate creature (my computer) and then insulted her when she tried verbal correction. Yet I am the same person who achieves consistently in the outside works but absolutely needs to be disciplined at home. My former GF said once she did not think she or anyone else could have a relationship with me without the “sanction” of spanking. That may be an exaggeration but the great relationship we have would not happen without spanking or discipline of some sort and since I have a spanking fetish, eroticizing it has provided the ideal basis for that discipline. Over the years I have become comfortable with my contradictions and grateful I have a spouse who knows how to deal with them. I will probably always have them but she will always have a sanction to deal with them
Alan
Hi Alan. It's certainly not uncommon that most of us, from childhood, behave better in some contexts than in others. I have some of those same contradictions that come out in weird ways, and it's not always that I act better at work than at home. For example, at home I get mad about clutter, but at work my office is a total mess. I have no idea why it works that way, but it does
DeleteKD,
ReplyDelete"On one hand, hearing past accounts of the spouses here made me cringe at how these people were able to function at work or as parents, but now I'm seeing these more "adult husband as immature slacker" depictions might be more exaggerated for the sake of a good DD anecdote than being 100% accurate."
I think I get what you are saying. I'll say that my husband was always a hard worker. He even told me he tried extra hard in college because it was a financial stretch for him to even go, since his family didn't have a lot of financial means to help him. So, he didn't want to waste the opportunity and got good grades. He just seemed to have little self-discipline in other areas, like spending money. Like I said, he is a great guy but just needed some direction. I think his kinkiness probably started from me playfully smacking his butt years ago. I might have awakened an interest he had, and then I got turned on by it as well. He expressed interest in me being the boss/in a FLR. We are both happy, so it works. He did a lot for me this past weekend and I made him sit and relax a little with me and watch a movie. He told me he loves this and I have to acknowledge that he really does a lot. Some people have natural skills and there's things they excel at. He's always been a loving and well meaning father and husband and a hard worker. Maybe it's closer to "...good at "D, E and F."
Regards,
CarolH.
KD,
ReplyDeleteYour point is well-taken that it is easy for us wives to focus on the negative in these conversations. My husband is extremely competent in all his endeavors and not at all lacking in self-discipline, as some of the other wives have focused on.
At least I don't see his arrogance as a lack of self-discipline; rather it's an expression of his ego and confidence (over-confidence?). He is sure he is right (and he usually is). But he also is sure that the fallacies in what others are saying should be obvious, and that leads to sarcastic and arrogant responses.
The paddle is helping to teach him to hold his tongue. Don't be so impatient during meetings. Let others have their say, even if their point isn't a great one. I guess his comments to others could be considered a lack of self-discipline, but to me it's more an indication that he cares so much about the outcome and does not want it to turn out wrong. It is his strategy of condescension that needs adjusting.
Also, he has made this adjustment at home (most of the time) so it is obvious he could do it at work as well - and he deserves some punishment when he fails to do so, plus lots of "painful reminders" to be a bit more kind to his co-workers.
I told him a while back, "When you are unkind, I am unkind to your behind."
The kids are cooking up this thing for Father's Day where they each are going to remind him of some of the most sarcastic things he ever said to them. Like: "I love you, Dad, especially when I came home with that not so good report card and you said, "Well, congratulations! Grades like that should get you into Harvard."
I am sure we will all get a laugh out of it. But between him and me, it will be a bunch of reminders of why he needs to be paddled.
Liz
Liz,
ReplyDeleteI loved your comment, "I told him a while back, "When you are unkind, I am unkind to your behind."
My husband was getting rude to me last night. When he asked me to be boss in a strong FLR I told him it was going to be for real. I don't always want to spank him for every little thing. We have a regular review, discussion and discipline session on Saturday evenings. He knows I'll address his slip ups then. When he came out of the shower this morning I decided to pull a surprise inspection to feed into his submissive nature and remind him who is boss. I felt his face and head, "Hmmmm. Very rough. Go shave! You can't kiss me wearing sandpaper." You never saw a man jump so fast. When he came out his face and head felt like glass (he loves all this). He finished dressing and noticed I had put his collar on his pillow. I told him "Put your collar on. You're going to wear it all weekend, except during the time one of the kids stop by Sunday." He asked me if I was angry and I said, "you were a short with me and you raised your voice, so we'll talk about it tonight." My husband was as a good as gold all today! He knows I mean business. He actually looks for discipline from me, so he knows he'll get some hard strokes of my cane (nothing too bad) and a lot of verbal reminders about how a submissive husband should speak to a Dominant wife.
Once my husband gained confidence and began to speak up in his job, he was more successful in his career and much happier. I've had a chance to listen to him on business calls with the lock down making both of us to work at home. Wow, he does a 180 in how he acts on his job (dominant, confident team leader) verses how he acts at home (loving, obedient and submissive).
Have a nice weekend!
CarolH.
Hi, Carol,
DeleteI find it fascinating that your DD (and FLR) helps your husband be more assertive at work, while my DD helps my husband be less. But that makes sense, since in both cases the disciplinarian is getting what she wants!
Liz
Liz,
DeleteI never realized that but it really is fascinating, yes. After knowing my husband for so long (we dated in college), I think I've only recently started to really figure him out. I ignited an interest in kink the first time I play spanked him after we began to get intimate. I was a slightly pushy girlfriend, but I liked him. I could see he where he lacked in some ways that would potentially hurt him in his future. I knew how to plan and save from an early age. He told me he was lost in those areas. I think spanking, some of the other kink, and some of my suggestions motivated him to succeed in his career and made him happier. I don't think I remade him, just guided him. He is a smart and strong guy. He wanted me to assert myself as the boss so I guess it is obvious that I indulged him. He read a comment from a submissive man who said he enjoyed being a boss in his company, and then enjoyed going home and being submissive domestically and sexually to his wife. That describes my husband. He is submissive to me and he's getting what he wants, and the disciplinarian is getting what she wants. LOL, I had to order him to relax his weekend. He got motivated like a dynamo and submissively served me. I kicked him out of the house, in a nice way, and made him walk in the woods behind our house to get some fresh air and sun. I told you more that you're probably interested in hearing, sorry. I'm glad DD worked for you and your husband.
CarolH.
Hi Dan, Happy Father’s Day!
ReplyDeleteI haven’t had much to say these past few weeks, since we are a little less lifestyle than others. Though my wife and I did talk about it, and she did say that she tries to walk her own talk, so as not to be hypocritical.
I like that several have commented this week about the link between fetish, eroticism, and DD and how they use DD to achieve real world results by taking advantage of existing fantasies or fetishes. It only took me about 40 years to understand that I have a fantasy of receiving real-life punishments...!
Anyway, not much to say, other than that I am here silently lurking!
-ZM
Been staring on and off for the past 5 days. FINALLY saw the happy people!
ReplyDelete