Hi all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly meeting of men and women in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Wife Led Marriage. I hope you all had a great week.
As I said at the end of last week's post, I'm traveling on business and don't intend to do a new topic. But, I had a few minutes, and a few interesting (to me anyway) things had happened over the week, so I thought I'd update a couple of things.
It was a relatively quiet week on the blog, with only a few comments on our twin topics of "not nice" and "leverage." Apparently, no one thought the "empowerment" preaching sex cult was as interesting as I did. Which is kind of interesting in and of itself, since all of us who are active on this blog kind of spend a significant amount of time discussing issues of empowerment building and exchange with pretty heavy sexual overtones. As for leverage, I thought ZM hit the nail on the head when he observed, "True leverage in a DD relationship is being able to effect change. For DD to work, two conditions must be met. First, consequences need to be significant enough to be truly unpleasant and unwanted, and second, the disciplinary partner needs to be firm enough to ensure that consequences naturally follow actions. No matter how severe the consequences are, if I deem her unlikely to follow through, they probably are not much of a deterrent." As I noted in response, my wife has never had a problem with bringing on on the severity. She has given very, very hard spankings from the beginning. It's really been the certainty of consequences, not their severity, that has gotten in the way of real behavioral change. But, she is getting mentally and emotionally stronger and more powerful all the time.
One aspect of being "not nice" that wasn't really explored is whether becoming less "nice" would be burden, i.e. something that cuts against the wife's natural human tendency to be kind and not to give offense, or would it be freeing. I have suspected for a long time that when wives struggle with being consistent, it is a result of this whipsaw of wanting to be a more authoritative personality that gets cut off when concerns about being seen as bitchy or that her exercise of power might not be taken well by him (even if asked for it in the first place), and that most of the wives would actually find it freeing to just jump in with both feet, stop worry so much about his reaction, and start leading. I had an opportunity to test that a bit this week in a business setting. I recently took on a new role at work that was a bit unexpected, and a bit divisive. I don't want to give a lot of details as it might be too revealing, but in essence I was put in a position to speak some uncomfortable truths to power. And, that's hard to do when those in "power" are your peers. It's really not about being afraid; it's about this deep-seated human desire not to give offense. And, even after being put in a position to do something about some company cultural issues that have been a real problem, I found myself pulled in the direction of dumbing down and sanitizing some of the messages out of concern that I not offend or hurt some of the people concerned. But, speaking these truths as I saw them was part of this role. So, at a big meeting on these issues, as I found myself tempted to be "nice," I actively pushed back on that temptation and committed that I was (a) going to speak my mind; and (b) consciously resist taking responsibility for other's feelings about that speech. I was not going to try to offend anyone, but I also was not going to let my aversion to their negative reaction become my responsibility. I was going to own my own feelings, but not theirs. After a couple of minutes of discomfort it proved to be, as I suspected, pretty damn liberating. There was just such clarity of purpose and absence of inner tension as a result of telling myself, "I have a job to do. I'm going to do it. And, I'm not going to feel bad about it."
On a more lighthearted and possibly more entertaining note, while I found some emotional equanimity as a result of consciously being less "nice," I lost that equanimity twice in a week, in the course of potentially being "outed" in a small way. A few months ago, we talked about symbolic displays of our power sharing arrangements through jewelry or clothing. As I said at that time, a couple of years ago I acquired a necklace with a pendent that, in the BDSM community, is a symbol for a male submissive. Now, I don't really see myself as male submissive, but it was the closest thing I could find to a symbol for being the partner lower in the chain of command in this Wife Led Marriage. I wear this necklace most days, but given my business attire while the necklace itself may sometimes peek out from under my button-down business shirts, the pendent hangs low enough it usually doesn't show. So, while I wear it all the time, few people have actually seen it. But, I've wondered it anyone who caught a peek at the necklace might be curious about it, since necklaces and chokers really aren't that common among men of my age it my profession. Well, sure enough, my team had a happy hour session a few days ago, and while talking to one of the men who report to me, he noticed my necklace and just asked innocently what it was. I froze and probably stuttered as I reluctantly pulled it out to show him. He asked me what it was, and I stumbled some inanity about it just being some pendent my wife liked an bought for me while we were on vacation. Probably some native fertility symbol of something. In other words, I lied through my teeth. Now, I'm 99% sure he had no familiarity with this symbol, nor did the two or three others who were sitting right by us as I put my little submissive amulet on display for our entire team! But, one never knows . . .
Then, it happened a second time in the same damn week! I had to see a doctor unexpectedly, and it was not my usual one. She was doing all the normal work up--taking my blood pressure, temperature, etc.--then without warning she started unbuttoning my shirt and reaching inside it so she could listen to my heart beat. It took me by surprise, because usually doctors instruct me to unbutton my shirt, which would usually remind me of my necklace, and I would be able to just push the pendent to the side where they wouldn't see it. But, she just took over and started unbuttoning my shirt herself, opening it up and leaving the pendent in plain, open view. "Oh shit!" ran through my head as I cogitated quickly on the odds that this female doctor with a pretty aggressive matter could possibly a kinky Domme who knew damn well what that symbol means for BDSM-ers. Thankfully, if she did, I didn't detect it. Of course, if she did, why would I be embarrassed given that by definition she would know about it only if she also were a participant in that lifestyle? But, that's not the process my mind went through as I was in the process of possibly being unexpectedly outed.
That's all I have for this week. I hope you all have a great weekend.