“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.” — Abraham Maslow
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Wives Club - Tribute. Our weekly on-line gathering of women and men who are int, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship of the type advocated in the now defunct Disciplinary Wives Club (archived copy in the Links I Like list below right).
I hope you had a good week. Mine? Well, for the first time in over a month, I feel like maybe I’m starting to turn a corner. There’s still a fair amount of pain, and the brace I have to wear is really annoying, especially when trying to sleep. But, I feel like my attitude is getting a little better.
I used to have this belief that if we could get rid of all the distractions and find ourselves in a quiet room with nothing to do, all sorts of creativity or deep thinking would emerge. Well, it turns out, for me at least, the opposite is true. As the weeks went by, I found myself devolving into a pattern of re-watching streaming series I’ve already seen, wasting time arguing on Reddit about those same streaming series, listening to political podcasts, and starting books only to give up after 50 pages. And, I kept trying to do all this at the same time.
This week, I cut way back on bingeing for the sake of bingeing. I turned off most of the podcasts. And, I made myself push through a book that had been dragging. By the end of the week, I’d polished off three pretty challenging books of real literature, and I’d started a new series I really like. As a result, I just feel better.
I also started feeling the first stirrings in over a month of something like an interest in DD. I’ve had substantial periods where I lost interest after other surgeries, but this one has been the worst. I’ve had zero interest in sex and/or DD, and no prospect of engaging in either anyway. That latter part is still mostly true, but at least the interest seems to be coming back in small ways.
It’s funny how quickly that can happen. In my case, I woke up this morning thinking it was unlikely that I’d post today. Then, a DD-related audio file popped up in my Tumblr feed. (Yes, it’s true, I didn’t completely shut down my proclivity for wasting time on the internet.) It’s from a couple of years ago, and it’s a wife leaving a message for her husband after he’s hinted he wants to bring spanking “like his mother used to give him” into their relationship.
She then talks to his mother, and it turns out he didn’t get spanked very often or very hard. But, real spankings were prevalent in the wife’s family, so she decides to grant his wish, but on her terms. In talking about why she’s more than willing to do so, she states:
“In fact, I can’t imagine why any woman wouldn’t want the authority to discipline her husband.”
I was listening to this after Red Often had listed some of the benefits of getting spanked, including:
1. Getting spanked relieves stress.
2. Getting spanked is calming.
3. Getting spanked generates endorphins and puts you in a euphoric state.
4. Getting spanked generates adrenaline and gives an adrenaline rush, especially if you are anticipating getting a very harsh one.
5. Getting spanked lifts moods. Russian psychiatrists have found success in treating depression with bare butt whippings.
6. The marks left from getting spanked is like an art of its own.
7. For some, it can restore feelings of youth.
I invite all of you to comment on any other benefits you get out of being spanked, though I’m going to take the post in a different direction. (For me, since my motivations are much more about discipline than spanking per se, the only ones on the list that really resonate for me are #4, and #7 to the extent the “feelings of youth” refers to sometimes feeling like a teenager subjected to parental discipline.)
Red’s list was all about the benefits of getting spanked, but the audio recording had me thinking about the benefits of being the spanking wife. Throughout the “message” to her husband, she’s plainly reveling in her forthcoming role and the control it is going to give her, as well as enjoying the prospect of giving his husband the kind of spanking he thinks he wants but will likely come to regret.
The juxtaposition of Red’s list and this Tumblr audio file (link in a comment below) suggested this topic: Who gets more out of Domestic Discipline – the husband receiving it or the wife giving it?
Given that our group is mostly men, it’s unsurprising that we tend to talk about this thing we do from the perspective of why we wanted it and what we get out of it.
I’m as guilty of that as anyone. In fact, although when I originally brought the idea of DD to Anne I pitched it as being about bringing balance to the relationship by empowering her, for the first several years, I'm sure I tended to think more about whether it was “working” in terms of how well it was meeting my needs. I also don't think I was capable at that point of really appreciating that I would grow the most in situations in which she imposed something that I really did not like or agree with at the time (beyond being spanked hard, of course).
And, I do think for many years, Anne was mostly accommodating those needs. I don’t think there was ever time she had any sort of aversion to DD, but the whole dynamic probably was more about me than about her.
That started changing around the time she retired. She’s said that she underestimated how much the fear of our lifestyle being “outed”—regardless of how unlikely it might have been—held her back. After retirement, she was relieved of caring about what others thought.
With that, I started seeing signs that she was getting into DD more and more for what it did for her, independent and separate from whatever impact (no pun intended) it had on me. She mentioned spanking more. She threatened it more, and she it was clear that she enjoyed both threatening a spanking and letting me know when I was in for one.
She started asserting herself more in terms of telling me what she expected, and what the consequences would be for not meeting those expectations.
She's also gotten more open about being into the "maternal" dynamic that drives so much of my own DD interest.
Today, with the benefit of 20+ years of hindsight, I genuinely believe that something that we put in place to change my attitude and behavior has had deeper, more profound impacts on her.
She gained confidence. She gained control. She gained assertiveness. And, although it took awhile she gained the ability to acknowledge that she likes being in power. And, while she used to say that she enjoyed watching me prepare to be spanked, I'm pretty sure she now thoroughly enjoys doling out the spanking itself.
Honestly, I think that if we had to give it up for any reason (most likely something health or aging related), she would lose more from that than I would. If you asked her, I think she'd say that, like the wife in that audio file, she "can’t imagine why any woman wouldn’t want the authority to discipline her husband.”
Here are a few comments from over the years regarding benefits our wives believed they received from becoming our Disciplinarians:
“I do think I slipped into my disciplinarian role quite easily, but I assumed that was because spanking was so prevalent in my family that it was not considered a big deal. So, it is interesting to hear that other women without my background also have been able to adopt the role easily.
Maybe it is not that hard to act parental towards men who act childish!
Because our DD is limited to one large issue (arrogance), and we address it within limits (regularly scheduled sessions), I have not found much difficulty accepting my role. I think rationalizing is more for the spanked husband than the spanking wife, but I have had a few realizations:
First, it is extremely comforting to know there is something I can actually do about Art's arrogance. I used to feel helpless, to the point that our marriage was in danger, and I had to leave temporarily. But he does respond to the paddle! And even to threats, knowing looks, and other warnings. To know I can actually STOP his arrogance when I need to has changed everything between us.
Similarly, I don't just feel comforted by my new authority. I like it. I like knowing I have this power over him. Neither of us wants an FLR, but there is an ‘FLR-ness’ to our relationship that is new. He is more service oriented. He helps more around the house. He is more polite. He is more attentive to my needs, both in and out of the bedroom. He is more deferential. I wasn't sure I would like deferential, but I do. It is a realization that he can be a bit submissive - there, I said it - without losing his manliness.
Art was very concerned that I would think less of him and start treating him like a child all the time. But the opposite is true. I think more of him that he wants to reduce his arrogance, brings me the paddle, and willingly takes his medicine like a real man should, accepting the consequences for his actions.” – Liz
***
“Deterring his childish and unacceptable behavior is my reason for spanking him. It was my original reason, encouraged by my mother (appropriately), and I had reason to believe it was something he wanted too, but he was unable to admit he needed boundaries (now he readily admits it).
But my desire to punish him is also part of it and was probably there from the beginning. I am getting stricter with him, which means his appointments with Ms. Strap happen once or twice a month. Controlling his behavior is still what motivates me, but pay-back with a sound spanking is part of what I get out of it too. I guess what I am saying is—and I’m a little shocked at saying it—even if I got no behavior rewards from spanking him, I still would do it for punishment.
Maybe I am turning into a bitch, but men just do better with boundaries and consequences.” – Holly
***
“I love the way spanking our husbands frees us from the need to nag. Nagging is a symptom of powerlessness. For me, the most empowering words in my vocabulary are, "Don't make me tell you again." I say those words quietly and calmly, and Wayne gets the message that I am not going to nag. He knows that beyond that point a hairbrush, paddle, or strap will do the talking.” – Danielle
How about you? Who has gotten more out of the DD aspects of your relationship, the disciplined husband or the disciplinary wife? What are those respective benefits? When you look back over the time you’ve been practicing DD, did you ever get more than you bargained for? Did she get more than maybe she thought she would in the beginning?
Have a great week.
Here's the audio file referenced in the post.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.tumblr.com/spanked2realtears/148206233859/audio-file-a-voice-mail-message-from-a-very
At first it was all me but now it goes both ways. I agree with Red Often. All those points ring true here. JR
ReplyDeleteThanks.
DeleteShe spanks me regularly because she knows I need it, and she realizes it's good for the relationship. DD has made her more assertive in other areas of her life as well. Still, she would do fine without it. The same can't be said for me. DD has improved my life in ways I never imagined were possible. Now it's clear to me that I definitely need boundaries, and I am grateful to her for providing them. In fact, I have never been happier.
ReplyDeleteAnne would do fine without it, but I also think she's miss it, and I think some of the positive growth she's experienced might taper off. I would miss it, and I do think I still need guardrails in certain areas. But, these days those areas are kind of minor. I was thinking just yesterday that I've made a lot of progress on chronic problems like binge drinking, but the reality is that DD had virtually nothing to do with that progress. Instead, it was things like retirement and the drinking app I found a couple of years ago. I think that DD *could have* had a big impact on even serious issues like drinking, if we had been more consistent in addressing it. But, I think it would have required ramping it up by like 10x in consistency for it to have had a real, lasting impact during my working years. There were just too many social-business responsibilities and opportunities during those years.
DeleteThe one thing I'd add to the list is being spanked makes me behave better, a bit stating the obvious but still true. In terms of who gets the most out of it well clearly that is me over Mrs GoodLife. I hope that like Anne having more time on her hands will make Mrs GL up her game a little and of course I'd love that adage "why wouldn't every woman spank their husband" to be truism that held firm in everyone's and my relationships. Here is hoping. Cheers GLM.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure having more time on her hands had a lot to do with Anne's increasing interest in DD. It was more a combination of empty-nesting and removal of the social impediments she felt like her profession imposed. I think we both had a lot of angst over what impact being "outed" could have on our careers, though we both would probably concede that those concerns were massively overblown.
DeleteInteresting topic. Obviously, I knew what I was getting out of being spanked regularly as I was in a 24/7 FLR prior to my current relationship. She on the other hand was recently widowed out of a male-led marriage. When I broached the subject and explained I wanted another FLR with spankings, she was somewhat hesitant. She is European and being a schoolteacher, administering discipline was not foreign to her. I think there was a dominant woman hidden in a male-led marriage and this may have provided a way for her true self to emerge. Anyway, after a few more discussions, she said she was willing to give it a try. She ended her side of the discussion with words I will never forget... " I know how to spank "
ReplyDeleteNow I know what I get out of our FLR as I need regular correction, but I feel she has received more pleasure from being able to exercise her true dominant side. As far as the time it took for her to 'get into it', there was none. I'm sure all readers recall my account of the day I officially moved in.
"I think there was a dominant woman hidden in a male-led marriage and this may have provided a way for her true self to emerge." We never consciously had a 'male-led marriage', and I never had a desire to dominate the relationship, but the reality is that early on, by virtue of personality differences and differences in career, I did tend to dominate in a subtle way. But, it wasn't just the marriage dynamic covering up a dominant woman. She would be the first to day that she modeled some really dysfunctional traditional dynamics from her parents, where her dad dominated the house and her mother could teach a course in getting your way through passive-aggression. In our case, I don't think there was a dominant woman "hiding". DD was bigger than that for us. It helped create a more dominant woman, not merely reveal one that was hiding.
DeleteI'm curious, what was the general culture around spanking in the European school(s) your significant other taught in? Anne was a teacher too, but by that point corporal punishment had been banished from the schools here for years. If anything, in her school the administrators had disempowered the teachers, in favor of the permissive parents who believed their kids could do no wrong.
With Anne, it took her virtually no time to start delivering very hard spankings. Maybe the first spanking or two were tentative, but after that she had no problem at all leaving me bruised and blistered. But, I think taking real enjoyment and satisfaction in doing it and being in that role took a lot longer.
I hope you are healing up after the injury. When I met my wife, she was removed from a nasty divorce and despised her ex. He was controlling and manipulating. I had a fiery temper and had a hard time controlling what came out of my mouth. DD gave her the self confidence and awareness to not take any BS from me. After a few hard whippings, I would literally watch what I said. Her confidence in work and at home grew. I told her all about my childhood and how my Mother took a no nonsense approach with us. You screwed up and you got spanked period. I’m drawn to the maternal aspect of DD and have a strong desire to be put in my place. Although, of course I don’t like it when it happens. I asked her to approach the same attitude with me. She of course,
Deletewas a bit hesitant at first. She knew I had an infatuation with spanking. I’m sure she wasn’t sure how it would work. I provided positive feedback and of course told her to punish harder and longer. She obliged and has not looked back. We were just on a romantic trip and one day my attitude got the best of me. I was complaining and she had enough. When we get back to the Airbnb, you’re getting a serious thrashing. I disagreed, because I felt I was correct to complain. Years ago she might have backed off. The minute we arrived back, I was bent over taking a severe thrashing. I could hardly stay in place. I actually was much better behaved after that thrashing. I think DD has benefited her much more than me. I think her confidence has grown significantly over the years. She used to be more afraid to say things at work. She now stands up for herself to supervisors and checks them. She has said she is careful and doesn’t want to be overbearing like her Mother was. She resents part of her childhood and I thought it might affect our DD. It has not, she has stated, “it’s not my bottom getting whipped”. I think my only negative is she doesn’t punish enough. The way she corrected me when we were away, is what I need at home. Unfortunately Dan, life sometimes get in the way. I’m
proud of the strong women she became.
T
"She resents part of her childhood and I thought it might affect our DD. It has not, she has stated, “it’s not my bottom getting whipped”." I honestly don't know whether Anne's experience with childhood spankings influenced her openness to DD. Her parents, I think mainly her mom, did spank. But, my impression is that it was mainly her siblings who got it. But, Anne was objectively the "good girl", and I think she feels her parents let her siblings get away with way too much. And, I know she believes her mother was too passive-aggressive and should have taken a stronger, more consistent hand with both her siblings and her father. So, I suspect that if her approach to DD was influenced at all by spankings in her household growing up, it was (a) a general openness to it when I proposed it, because she had some experience with it growing up; (b) maybe a subconscious desire to see misbehavior addressed as strongly as it should have been, but wasn't, when she was growing up; and (c) over time, a desire to be more straightforwardly in control than her mother was.
DeleteYou and I are probably the most open on here about the fact that we are strongly oriented toward maternal discipline. But, we got there in different ways. You experienced it growing up and want something similar now, while my mother was way too erratic and unpredictable and, in later years, totally absent as a disciplinarian. You miss what you had; I miss what I feel I missed out on.
You are definitely correct with regards to your last paragraph. I
Deletewish I would have met my wife in my twenties. I was looking for that continued structure that I had growing up. I needed the discipline and firmness of a strong women. I didn’t have that with my ex and our relationship suffered. I sought out a professional disciplinarian.
I’ve stated one was strict and understanding. Obviously, the love is not there so it felt contrived. I just don’t know if I would have conformed easily in my twenties. My wife was also the “good girl” out of her siblings. Her siblings were paddled more often. They refused to follow rules and paid the piper. She was paddled and despised it, so she went out of her way to ensure she toed the line. She stated, her Mother was a force to be reckoned with and wanted her children to grow up as proper ladies. My wife is big on etiquette.
T
I too don't know whether I would have conformed to DD in my 20s. During my college years, probably not. I worked a loser job after college for two years, then onto grad school. I didn't get into a lot of trouble in grad school. I was with Anne by that point, I was in a competitive school and coming out into a bad job market, and I was working 20-30 hours a week on top of school and some necessary school-related extracurriculars. It was really after I got out and was working and marketing myself that I started to feel things slipping. So, it would have been great if DD had come around in my late 20s/early 30s, instead of my late 30s. But, had it come along in college, there is some chance I would have complied if there had been an older, dominant woman.
DeleteT, although I didn't grow up with bounderies and structure, I eventually realized I needed it. My ex was not into giving them to me, and like you, the relationship suffered. Now that I am with a woman strong enough to provide them, many things are going much better. Spanking and DD are a major part of our sex life, and many folks as old as I am no longer have one at all. What a surprise to discover that getting a good spanking can provide almost as much relief as an orgasm.
ReplyDeleteNorton,
DeleteI agree, although my wife is a bit older than I am, our sex life is going strong. Our close friends sex lives have diminished. My close friend tells me he hasn’t been laid in about six months and when they have sex, it’s usually when she’s tipsy. She has zero desire. I strongly believe our DD has something to do with that. My wife has told me she enjoys thrashing me and putting me back in line now. She does get a sexual charge, when she is not steaming mad at me. That was not the case when we first started. We are usually intimate after a thrashing. My preference is not to be, but it doesn’t always work that way.
Dan, we are very similar in the way we were at college. I actually worked about 30 hours a week and went to school full time. I had zero time to get into trouble. After graduating, I immediately went into full time employment. I almost felt the boundaries were still there, even when I was in college. I commuted to my university so I was home nightly. I probably would have complied, had I met my wife and brought DD to her attention in my 20’s. I think about seeing the disciplinarian and explaining my desires to her. It’s water under the bridge now. I’m glad I finally found someone to fulfill my desires, while increasing her confidence.
T
I worked through college, but many of my jobs were in bars, which created a lot of opportunities for bad behavior when I was off work. I also was one of those people (back then, less so now), who could get by on very little sleep. So, it wasn't uncommon for me to work in the evenings, come back to the fraternity house I was living in for a lot of college, drink with whomever was left standing, go to my room at 3:00 am, study for a test the next morning, sleep two or three hours, and get up and go. But, one of the things that put me into the ground in my 50s and led to early retirement was trying to maintain that kind of schedule three decades later.
Delete(Al here)
ReplyDeleteDan - good to hear that you are recuperating! I've been traveling and such over the last couple of weeks.
As to this week's topic. Since it was my fantasy, I am prompted to say that it was more about me in the beginning. That said, Susan immediately discovered that she enjoyed spanking simply for the joy of spanking - and very naturally embraced the role of the disciplinary wife. So, in general, it has been a very mutual understanding that we were both having our needs met - and that our marriage was better - as a result of adopting the DWC lifestyle.
As to who would miss it more if we had to disengage from spanking - at this point, I honestly suspect it would be Susan. What you said of Ann, would also be equally true of Susan:
"If you asked her, I think she'd say that, like the wife in that audio file, she "can’t imagine why any woman wouldn’t want the authority to discipline her husband.”
--al
I think that Anne started seeing early on that DD helped meet her needs, but I think the primary need it was serving early on was really payback. DD have her a way to express her dissatisfaction or anger that was very different from the passive-aggression she experienced from her mother growing up. I think enjoying spanking for spanking sake came later and, honestly, it's only been the last year or so that she admits that she does enjoy the spanking itself.
DeleteThe sentiment in that audio file is one reason I always wonder whether a time will come when Anne tells one or both of our daughters about the DD part of our relationship. It has been such a positive for us, it seems to me sometimes that she is doing them a disservice by not at least telling them about it as an option.
(Al here)
ReplyDeleteAs to your age survey from a couple of weeks ago (just to add a data point):
How old were you when you first became interested in spanking in general?
12 or 13 - as puberty hit, an otk paddling an attractive aunt had given me at age 10 morphed into a sexual fantasy.
· How old were you when you first realized your spanking interest was about wanting real disciplinary spankings or was about wanting spanking as a part of being subject to female authority? Mid 30's - when the Net came online and I began to read the spanking stories on the Usenet, I found that the F/M DD spanking stories held the strongest appeal.
· How old were you when you received your first adult spanking? 20 - I had a brief fling with an older kinky lady. She was primarily a bottom, but after my first attempt at spanking her was a bit too timid, she gave me a demonstration. In fairness, it was relatively mild compared to Susan's DWC spankings, but it was at a good 50 whacks that left me a well reddened behind. (But no more adult spankings for another 20 years).
· How old were you when you received your first adult disciplinary spanking?
· How old were you when your first real disciplinary relationship began or when your vanilla relationship first turned disciplinary? 40ish - that first disciplinary spanking from Susan (following a couple of "playful spankings") immediately established our DWC relationship.
· How old are you now? How old is your spouse? mid-60-s for both of us.
-al
It's interesting that you had an experience in your 20s then nothing for another 20 years. Was that because you were too embarrassed to bring it up with anyone else, or lack of opportunity, or something else?
Delete(Al replying)
DeleteI believe that (until the last few years perhaps), I was always far too concerned with being seen as weird, foolish, or unmanly to admit that I had a desire to be spanked.
In the case of the kinky older lady, it was really just "luck" that I got to experience that spanking - I did nothing to suggest it, other than to agree to her suggestion to give me a "demonstration spanking".
And, as I've shared here before, it was only because of an "out of the ordinary" evening - when with the kids gone, we swapped sexual fantasies over too much wine - that I was just loosened up enough to admit that I had a "mild fascination" with being spanked. Under slightly different circumstances, it is entirely possible that conversation may never have happened at all - but grateful that it did.
I have always found the images associated with the male submissive stereotypes in BDSM to be disturbingly demeaning - and I still cringe a bit when they come up in a movie that I am watching with someone. And, while I knew that F/M DD was completely different, the fear was that I might be seen that way just for admitting a desire to be spanked. --al
I agree on BDSM images -- whether it's images of men in very subservient, demeaned positions or women in Femdom attire or in scenarios where they are demeaning men -- it does nothing for me. At least, nothing positive.
Delete"I believe that (until the last few years perhaps), I was always far too concerned with being seen as weird, foolish, or unmanly to admit that I had a desire to be spanked." I'm not really sure how much I had a similar concern early on. I've never had a big fear of being seen as weird or unmanly, because I've always had a transgressive streak and been a bit of non-conformist, and in general I've had a secure sense of my own masculinity. But, I definitely did care about anyone in my profession discovering my DD interest. I think that concern was always pretty practical, as my niche in the law was pretty small, at least at the level I was doing it, and pretty competitive. I always felt that others knowing would have a big, direct impact on my professional success, and I think I was probably right. Though I recall at one point dealing with a litigant in a case who was known in his techie world for being into BDSM, and it was a big part of his schtick. It's always made me wonder whether I could have navigated the professional ramifications by really embracing it. Though, the reality is, Anne wouldn't have gone for that. It's only been since retirement that she's started being more open to being open.
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI hope you are recovering quickly!
I was ready to fire off a response that I obviously get a lot more out of the dynamic than does my wife. After all, it was my idea, it somehow fulfills this craving I have even though I don't understand it, I clearly need boundaries, etc.
However, as I thought about it a bit more, I am less sure about who benefits more, and that is exacerbated by us never taken it far enough to address some real "problem" habits I have - especially procrastination - and even more than that because we have only maintained consistency for short times over the number of years we have been doing this.
If my wife were to address things like time management and procrastination or health issues with strictness and consistency over some period of time, the real-world benefits would be huge, though even then I am not sure if it would be more for her or for me. Also, since we have never really gotten to and stayed at that level for any length of time, I am not sure who would get more out of it psychologically. Certainly, my desire for this would be fully met (and perhaps exceeded), but also I might bristle at being under this level of control.
As it currently is, while I certainly get a charge out of it, I think my wife actually gets more from it. My wife really likes spanking me, while I - although I am the one wanting/needing this - tend to want to avoid spankings because they seriously hurt! And since we have not been able to move beyond just occasional spankings, I have not fully reaped either the psychological or life benefits that might come from real, consistent strictness and control.
If I have time in the next few days, I will dive into the other questions a bit.
-ZM
I'm recovering, but "quickly" isn't the word I'd use to describe it. I'm not patient under the best of circumstances, and this forced downtime is a test.
Delete"Certainly, my desire for this would be fully met (and perhaps exceeded), but also I might bristle at being under this level of control." For me, having the level of strictness I think I want exceeded, and bristling at being under that level of control, are tightly intertwined, and much comes down to timing. I do think I want to experience a very substantial ramping up of control, to the point that I really do feel a bit like a teenage boy under a strict mother's control. Yet, when she has tightened the reins at anything like that level, I have bristled. But, to me the bristling is a necessary indication that I am, in fact, getting what I asked for and that the dynamic is real.
It would be challenging for sure . . . but I'd definitely take much more frequent spankings over a mangled leg any day. :-)
I would agree 'bristling' is the best word to describe my immediate reaction when a spanking is imminent and it is resisting giving up that control to her which is hard, but interestingly it is soon replaced by 'resignation' which is readily accepting what is coming and realizing there is nothing you can do about it.
DeleteI'm sure Anne is as impatient about your recovery as you are!
" it is resisting giving up that control to her which is hard, but interestingly it is soon replaced by 'resignation' which is readily accepting what is coming and realizing there is nothing you can do about it."
DeleteThat,succinctly put,is the magic.
More and more I realize that letting go and accepting my "fate" is where the good things start to happen. And she likes that too,especially the obedience and surrendering.
. Many of us have a love-hate relationship with authority. We distrust it and even rebel against it -but at the same time have a need to experience it in a safe trusting environment. When our wife or girlfriend really internalized the authority we have asked them to exercise,we are able to experience the loving authority we need. Spanking is really a extremely effective means to an end. The end is her exercising her authority and you accepting that.
Alan
For me, it's the giving in to the realization that there is nothing you can do about it that is incredibly powerful
DeleteDespite all the 'bristling' and protesting she remains resolute, that half smile playing on her face indicating she is really looking forward to it and knowing we will ultimately accept our fate.
DeleteWow guys, great comments!
Delete"But, to me the bristling is a necessary indication that I am, in fact, getting what I asked for and that the dynamic is real." - spot on. If it never rubs me the wrong way, it seems pretty clear that it is all pretend and she is merely an actor in the play that I am directing.
"I would agree 'bristling' is the best word to describe my immediate reaction when a spanking is imminent and it is resisting giving up that control to her which is hard, but interestingly it is soon replaced by 'resignation' which is readily accepting what is coming and realizing there is nothing you can do about it." - At the core, I think my main attraction to the dynamic is that I need to be subject to authority and to truly
feel like I have no control over it. In other words, it has to feel imposed, even if the whole dynamic is at my request.
"Many of us have a love-hate relationship with authority. We distrust it and even rebel against it -but at the same time have a need to experience it in a safe trusting environment." - Exactly! And I think it is the "safe trusting environment" that frees us to submit to authority that we would rebel against in any other context.
"For me, it's the giving in to the realization that there is nothing you can do about it that is incredibly powerful" - Until reading this message thread, I never really thought about that exact moment of submitting to the reality of what is going to happen. I think that maybe that is these "giving in" points where much of the impact of a spanking event comes from (excluding obvious physical impacts). The first is giving in to the reality that you are going to be spanked, and there is nothing you can do about it. And the second - if actually reached - where you feel like a spanking is never going to stop and you just totally surrender to it (which is where tears generally enter the scene). Interestingly, when I "remember" (in quotes because I certainly don't remember clearly) childhood spankings, I don't remember the spankings themselves, but rather the circumstances and also the moments that I realized that I had crossed a line from which there was no going back and that I was going to be spanked.
-ZM
(Al here)
DeleteAs Glenmore stated: "it is resisting giving up that control to her which is hard, but interestingly it is soon replaced by 'resignation' which is readily accepting what is coming and realizing there is nothing you can do about it."
Alan and Dan both echoed this sentiment - and I will as well. As we have discussed here before - there comes a point in most true DWC marriages, I think, where the husband comes to a point that he does not have the psychological capacity (or at least "inclination") to resist his wife's command to drop the trousers and assume the position.
It is not simply a matter of it being the right thing to do - or living up to an agreement. It is the realization that he is going to be spanked. Period. Regardless of how he may feel about it. It does not occur to him that refusing the spanking might be a viable option. He simply accepts his fate. --al
Al, you beat me to a clarification I was going to make to my comment. It's not so much "giving in" to some realization about the inevitability that is attractive but, rather, accepting the reality that it doesn't matter whether I consciously give in or not; it's going to happen no matter what I think. Yes, it's true that there is still consent involved, but the consent is the kind that happened when I signed up for this type of relationship. In that moment after it becomes clear that I really am going to be spanked, it's not really resignation I feel but, rather, that my views on it are totally irrelevant and that even if I resist such resignation, the resistance is all mental. The physical ordeal is going to happen, period.
DeleteIt seems like we all agree that once you reach a certain point in a DD relationship, if your wife decides to spank you, it is going to happen. As Alan, Al, Dan, and others have said over the years, there is a certain inevitability that develops in the relationship where resisting the spanking becomes essentially impossible, not because you can't, but because you won't. You know it, she knows it, so at that point, there is nothing to "give in" to with regard to whether the spanking happens or not.
DeleteHaving said that, I still feel that there is some power in the different psychological surrenders that happen along the way. It really is similar to when a child was spanked during my childhood. I really don't remember anyone actually trying to resist a spanking. Sure, they might have tried to talk their way out of it, but in the end, everyone knew they had no say in the matter. If the parent (principal, aunt, etc.) decided a spanking was going to happen, then the spanking was going to happen. But what really made a difference is spanking results is whether the defiance was spanked out of them. When you "surrender" to a spanking, it is not that you are choosing to allow it to happen or keep happening, but rather you are releasing that feeling of trying to retain at least some control, or perhaps even stubbornly holding onto the idea that you don't deserve the spanking or that you were right.
My wife certainly spanks hard enough - actually too hard much of the time - but where things aren't always ideal is that she spanks much too seldom, and almost every spanking ends earlier than it probably should, which I am always happy about at the time, but slightly disappointed about later.
-ZM
"When you "surrender" to a spanking, it is not that you are choosing to allow it to happen or keep happening, but rather you are releasing that feeling of trying to retain at least some control, or perhaps even stubbornly holding onto the idea that you don't deserve the spanking or that you were right.
DeleteAlthough I groan and exclaim a lot during a spanking, I'm pretty stoic in terms of actually verbalizing any kind of resistance, and I sometimes wish I could change that. While babbling about how much it hurts or begging her to stop might seem like a form of resistance, I think trying to "take it like a man" is the real resistance.
I too often feel like I'm spanked much too seldom. It's that ongoing, frequent experience of being controlled by her that I think would really help with the ego and control issues.
So when we started DD, most of the ‘benefits’ were mine in that I was experiencing a fantasy come alive. As the spankings became harder & much less ‘fun’, then my perception was that the balance of benefits changed to be more equal. My behaviour improved, I was more open and I demonstrated overt respect more frequently. With hindsight & discussions it became apparent that my wife didn’t see those benefits & because of a lack of consistency we ended up with a resurgence of some of the old behaviours with spankings being used mainly for less serious behaviours.
ReplyDeleteThat all changed and we now use spankings & a weekly report to highlight all issues that merit discipline. Not perfect but a considerable improvement.
My current focus is on getting to a spectrum or scale of discipline- from no issues to mild warning, explicit warning, spanking pronounced, spanking, severe spanking.- so that it is not quite so binary. My wife likes the approach as it helps her to progress & escalate discipline as necessary. TB
I too would like to see there be more of a scale of discipline, but Anne's approach is invariably binary. And, given that it's fairly often that I get to the end of a spanking and think maybe it should have been longer, I do wonder whether a more graduated or scaled approach would leave me feeling like some offenses were under-punished.
DeleteTB, we have gone down a similar path. "When we started DD, most of the benifets were mine in that I was experiencing a fantacy come alive". That was certainly true for me as well. I always had a deep longing to be spanked and dominated by a strong woman, but didn't really realize it was a real possability before the DWC came out. This blog has helped us understand and develop a functional, ongoing lifestyle based on our mutual desires. I suppose between the 2 of us, I may have the greater benefit of our DD, but there are benefits for both of us. What I get from it is pretty obvious, as it's the same as what most of us on the blog want, including stability, bounderies and a probably longer life span. She gets a partner that will listen to her, obey her and be grateful to her for taking me in hand. Like your experience with DD, ours has gotten more serious, the spankings have gotten harder, and she became more assertive about what she needs. It has morphed from my sexual fantasy to a lifestyle that serves both of us very well.
ReplyDelete