“I met an old lady once, almost a hundred years old, and she told me, 'There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And who's in charge?” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Hello all. Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club. Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.
Once again, before we get started, I would like to extend a specific invitation to our female readers to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We miss having you around.
I hope you all had a good week. Ours was pretty uneventful. I’ve been chomping at the bit for some adventurous motorcycle day trips, but it’s a weird time of year weather-wise. I mowed my grass a week ago for the first time this season, then a few days later I was I stuck in my car thanks to a road closure due to snow. But, all part of the joys of spring in the mountains.
Thanks to all of you who contributed to the discussion about future topics. Keep the ideas coming. This thing we do is a narrow enough topic in an of itself that I’m sometimes amazed that we’ve kept the conversation going for a decade. But it does sometimes get difficult to find even a new angle on the topics we’ve done before let alone to come up with anything truly novel. So, keep the ideas coming.
I don’t have a plan for doing the suggested topics in any particular order, so let’s kick things off with Alan’s suggestion:
Possible new topic -The sources and experience of intimacy in DD
Increased intimacy as a result of female-led DD has been touched on several times by comments. But I don’t believe we have ever tried to define or identify its source(s).
My former GF told me many years ago (after a spanking, I think) that “spanking is more intimate than sex.” Of note, this came from a woman who was not a spanko, although a strong believer in disciplinary spanking. My wife has similar thoughts but not so far as favorably comparing spanking to sex.
As a topic I envision, we might ask how many do experience intimacy from spanking, whether it is something both men and women experience, and where it comes from. What about disciplinary spanking produces feelings of intimacy ( if it does)?
There are many other directions a discussion could go. This blog and others have talked about the advantages of introducing spanking into a relationship. And there are many advantages, including facilitating a healthy power shift, powerful erotic expressions, behavior modification for naughty males, and more. However, intimacy is one of them for at least some couples. It might be interesting to try to answer how and why that is so."
I’m probably going to need to
let the rest of you drive most of the conversation on this topic. To answer
Alan’s initial question as phrased, I don’t experience intimacy from
spanking. At least not directly.
After a spanking has been ordered but before it happens, my prevailing emotion is probably anxiety.
Over the last year or two, we’ve used the OTK position almost exclusively. While it is certainly a more intimate position than, say, bending over a chair, I still don’t really feel “intimacy” when going over her knee.
During the spanking itself, I’m really just hating what is happening and trying to get through it.
Indirectly, however, after a spanking is over, it is very common for us to talk about it and about the DD and FLR aspects of our relationship. A hard spanking leaves me in a much more open headspace.
While getting through it is always an ordeal, when it’s over I do feel like the slate is clean, and I feel a strong sense of her strength in exercising her authority and control.
It’s probably in those moments immediately after getting spanked that I’m the most open about my feelings, specifically how I feel about being spanked by her, being in a DD relationship with her, and how I feel about being subject to her increasing authority.
I also open up a lot about
what I feel I need, including the prospect of her taking on even more authority. I’ve also gotten increasingly open about the
desire for her to explore more of her “maternal” role, to the extent she’s comfortable
with that. The openness and, indeed, desire to talk about what I'm feeling isn't part of my typical day-to-day makeup. It's a direct result of feeling totally wrung out after a hard session over her lap, as I think this drawing by KD Pierre depicts so well.
Journaling probably counts as another indirect form of intimacy that doesn’t come directly from a spanking but results from our spanking relationship. Over the course of the years, I’ve disclosed a lot of intimate needs and desires, and given her some pretty candid information about how I’m feeling, in journal entries. While I have kept personal journals in various formats for many years, the journaling I’ve shared with Anne arose directly from our DD relationship. So, again, while I don’t exactly experience intimacy from a spanking, it leads to much deeper and more open communication, which is either a form of intimacy or opens the door to it.
Does Anne feel intimacy from spanking? I’m not really sure, but I think the answer is no except around communication, as I just described.
For a long time, she claimed that she didn’t enjoy or get aroused by the spanking itself. Rather, she enjoys watching me get prepared for a spanking and gets turned on my watching me comply with her directions and orders, especially when she knows I’m struggling with it.
Recently, however, she did admit that she now likes having me over her knee. She didn’t use the word “intimacy” or suggest that’s what she feels. I think what she likes is seeing me make myself vulnerable to her, which I guess is a form of intimacy.
How about you? Whether you are the giver or receiver, do you feel intimacy from a spanking, whether before, during, or after? How about from the spanking relationship as a whole? If you do feel intimacy related to spanking, do you have any insights on why?
I hope you all have a great week.
For me, the vulnerability is before and during the spanking. The strong feeling of intimacy comes immediately after the spanking and persists for a few days (probably for the window that my bottom is sore :-)!)
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I have such a strong feeling of intimacy after spanking, but spanking is much more effective in creating this feeling than sex - go figure.
As theories... maybe its that I very much appreciate that she does it, maybe that it is because she has just spent time completely focused on me, maybe it's because she'll give me a much needed cuddle afterwards when I'm feeling fragile, maybe it's just that we've shared something that we would not admit to the world. Maybe all of the above.
I believe that my wife also feels the intimacy after - she is definitely softer and kinder to me afterwards. In terms of whether she likes it, she has admitted that she does enjoy paddling me, and is aroused by caning me.
"The strong feeling of intimacy comes immediately after the spanking and persists for a few days (probably for the window that my bottom is sore :-)!)"
DeleteThe ongoing soreness definitely does switch up my mindset, but I have a hard time articulating exactly how. I think it keeps me hyper-aware that I've been brought down a peg, and something about that feels attractive. Maybe it's because my need for DD is about craving boundaries, and as long as my butt is sore and bruised, I have tangible reminders that she did, in fact, impose those boundaries.
This is why preventative or preemptive spanking works so well with adults. The acute physical memory combined with an adult's ability to reason from effects to causes does it.
DeleteFor me, the physical impact is not limited to specific behavior avoidance but seems to affect the totality of how I relate to her. This pattern has made both of us occasionally speculate whether some of our friends have been recently spanked based on how they are acting. She is sure about one couple in particular, but so far no confirmation
Alan
From my perspective their are two types of intimacy in chastisement. Their is what I get and feel with Mrs GL and their is a completely different type that is provided by professionals.
ReplyDeleteThe latter, which I'll only mention a little, comes in the actions, baring a bottom, instructing, contact, communication, role-play, aftercare etc. If the professional gets a couple of those parts correct you establish a form of intimacy but in my case not one that as a physical manifestation and that is quite important.
With Mrs GL the intimacy is both clear and important and does have its physical manifestation. However, it's 95% my way, the intimacy is peak with me and something to move on from for her. Ignoring our daily bedtime routine of saying goodnight by holding hands it is the only proper intimacy left in our marriage. I'll explain how and why?
Because my trips across Mrs GL's knee are almost cyclical, a diaried task as regular as life allows it to be, the feelings of intimacy start in my head a few days before. I send her a reminder, usually WhatsApp, that a session is due. I tend to form that reminder with intimate references. I then spend the time thinking in advance of those parts of our spanking routine that make me feel we are a couple still. The day comes, Mrs GL confirms in her usual manner we are staying up late and that fills me with intimate urges I control.
Once Mrs GL has indicated the ritual can begin, I head upstairs and prepare myself. I am then left waiting on our bed for at least 20 minutes, this builds up the tension and makes me anticipatory which ups in my mind the intimacy level. She appears and gives me a soothing smile. She prepares herself and when she returns from the bathroom positions herself and tells me "come on then". At that point we enter a mental state of coupleness. I lay across he knee, she positions me, intimately gives me 3 or 4 smacks on my sleeping shorts and then pulls them down. At this point she is now focused only on the 10 minutes of chastisement she is about to administer. I have one hand holding her leg and another the bed. Her hand does it's magic to my bottom, I go into a dream state of noises and movements and she has full control. As the spanking develops so does my physical manifestation and so does the feeling I have of ultimate intimacy.
Mrs GL indicates the spanking is over by putting my shorts back over my bottom, by this point I am both fussy headed and fully erect. I kiss Mrs GL on the lips, hug her, kiss the back of her neck and scamper over the bed to cover myself up. She turns out the light and climbs in. We hold hands, I thank her for my spanking, we exchange "love you" and she let's be coo for a while in pleasure. Then after a little while, knowing as I do she wants to do to sleep I turn away from her and say "goodnight", she says goodnight back while imparting a couple of loving swats on my bottom. That is wonderful but also where the joint intimacy ends.
The next morning I fuss around her like a love sick puppy, she nicely but firmly indicates I should desist and we go back to the intimacy free 13 days before the next one (assuming I don't do something very stupid in the period). It may not be the most intimate example of intimacy in DD/spanking but it's ours and I love it.
Cheers GLM.
I would say in our 24/7 FLR with DD household, intimacy afterwards depends on the type or reason for a spanking. Following a discipline or punishment spanking there is very little to no intimacy. She allows several minutes for me to reflect on my behavior and resulting punishment before any forgiveness or aftercare is present. I am left alone during this period and the forgiveness and/or aftercare usually does not include intimacy. Following a fun, sensual or stress relief spanking, we both feel good and do engage in sexual activities. With maintenance spankings, which by definition are longer in duration, I do become aroused and frequently afterwards there is intimacy between us.
ReplyDeleteTo me, your response illustrates that people may use different interpretations of "intimacy" in answering Alan's questions. Yours seems to equate it mainly with sex. My response was kind of the opposite. We very often do have sex after a spanking, but to me that may or may not be "intimate" in the way I was using the term, which was more about the emotional response and sense of closeness.
DeleteThere is such a level of intimacy surrounding our DD. We had some
ReplyDeletefriends over last night and of course I opened my big mouth. I should have stayed silent but the wine was flowing and well, we’ve all been there. When everyone left, she said tomorrow’s Mother Day and I’m gonna remind you how to behave, just as your Mom would. I froze for a split second and knew I crossed the line. The day went on without a hitch. We had family over and I put out five courses for all to enjoy. While I was cleaning up, my wife whispered in my ear, when everyone leaves, I’m gonna thrash you like you’ve never been thrashed. Family left around four, and she didn’t skip a beat.
She started by ordering me to drop my pants in the dining room and gave me
a very hard hand spanking. She then sent me upstairs and ordered me to bend over. My wife then blistered my bottom but good. When finished I was sweating and panting. She gave me a hug and I said thank you for my chastisement. I was told I made her Mothers Day special. She said eventually someday, I will learn to keep my big mouth shut. I thought about it after, the level of intimacy on Mothers Day, getting thrashed like a naughty boy. It definitely brought me to a certain head space. I definitely won’t be sitting comfortably tomorrow. Afterwards, I told my wife how much I loved her for disciplining me the way she does. I feel so much closer to her afterwards. It’s like a bond that becomes stronger each time.
T
"Afterwards, I told my wife how much I loved her for disciplining me the way she does. I feel so much closer to her afterwards."
DeleteAs I said, I don't feel a sense of intimacy before or during a spanking, but I do feel closer to her afterward and in general, and that closeness is a form of intimacy. Though, when I try to label what I feel after a hard spanking, it's really an increased sense of respect. That's especially true if I've tried to delay or get out of it and she sticks to her guns. Or, in retrospect, on those occasions when we haven't been on the same page about whether one was deserved or whether something merited the severity she doled out. I feel both closer to her and far more respectful when she asserts herself in that way.
As the receiver, I feel intimacy before, during and after and regarding the spanking relationship as a whole. When I asked my wife, she says she might be feeling less intimacy at the start of the spanking if I have done something to badly irritate her that triggers a severe spanking, but intimacy restores during the course of the spanking.
ReplyDeleteI can think of several reasons why a spanking might be intimate to me:
1) The buttocks are an erogenous zone
2) They are understood as a private zone (if you are in an occupation where communal showers are common, you might feel less this way, but anyway)
3) One way I express my love for my wife is I allow her to cause me pain for greater benefit (spanking isn't the only way this happens, but anyway)
4) Sex tends to follow and I know it
5) Spanking seems to prepare me well for sex (no idea how)
6) The great residual feeling on my buttocks during sex
7) The fact that offences are dealt with means we start afresh
8) The feeling of vulnerability on my part
Maybe I will think of others, but hopefully, these are useful for stimulating discussion.
J
"When I asked my wife, she says she might be feeling less intimacy at the start of the spanking if I have done something to badly irritate her that triggers a severe spanking . . ."
DeleteThat makes perfect sense.
If it is more than it was at the beginning, then the spanking has done its job!
DeleteJ
To me spanking is the ultimate intimacy. I have been thinking about why I crave her discipline and why I want her to be strict. Yesterday, she wanted me to perform some maintenance on our air conditioner. She grabbed my chin forcing me to look into her eyes and said "I want this done by the end of the week at the latest." There was no question about the consequences for not obeying her. The thing about intimacy to me has a lot to do with participation. Sex is sometimes more one sided at least for me. It's not that she is completely uninterested but at our age it has become less exciting for her so I end up doing all of the work to get her there. I think by seeking a DD relationship I'm asking her to be an active participant in our marriage. I think the old society norm of the man in charge made it seem that she should be seen but not heard. That's a marriage killer. Leading to resentment by both parties. Intimacy is participation and communication of the bond of love. When I'm getting a spanking because her maternal instincts have told her that I need one. I'm feeling closer to her than I do during sex.
ReplyDelete"She grabbed my chin forcing me to look into her eyes and said "I want this done by the end of the week at the latest.""
DeleteAnne doesn't take physical control of me like that, except sometimes in bed. But, I get its emotional power. It definitely gets my heart thumping just thinking about her doing it.
"I think by seeking a DD relationship I'm asking her to be an active participant in our marriage." I think you also just put your finger on why some men get so frustrated when a wife orders a spanking and doesn't carry it out, even if he genuinely doesn't want the spanking. It seems to indicate a lack of active participation in that part of the relationship, and possibly in the marriage itself. I do not think it always means that, but it can feel that way to the husband.
Accepting - and even encouraging - a spanking is certainly a submissive act in itself, but regardless of whether it’s punishment, maintenance or fun; I think the position has a big effect on the feeling of intimacy. OTK feels very intimate while bending over something is less intimate and more impersonal somehow. I’ve had punishments in both positions so the more intimate OTK certainly doesn’t imply that it can’t be severe. Your last two pictures are pretty accurate after an OTK session but I don’t think we have quite that level of aftercare intimacy after a bent over session. TG
DeleteSome very interesting thoughts have been shared and lots of food for thought. Thanks to all who have shared.
DeleteI asked Domino if she thought spanking or discipline of any type was intimate. She said: "When I have you naked and bent over, everything is exposed and I can do anything I want to you, for however long I want. That is very intimate, and the power is extremely arousing." I asked her if the different types of discipline gave her different feelings and she said not really. Although she finds them arousing that does not mean sex follows. It might or it could be the next day, there is no routine there.
Like others, when it is happening, I am of two minds. Mainly I am just trying to get through it, yet somehow, I crave it. Can't explain it, but after it is over, my feelings of intimacy toward her are overpowering. I just want to hug her and worship her, all the time still feeling the pain of the punishment. For hours afterward I will still feel this intimate connection to her. Sometimes during sex, she will stop and make get on my hands and knees and administer a hard thrashing for something I have done. Then she will finish sexually, and I will be denied an O as part of my punishment. When that happens, my feelings of intimacy and my desire to worship her and please her lasts for days, and she loves what it does to me. Total subjugation to her.
Today I confessed something that I had been hiding from her. It was such a relief to tell her. She just smiled and said "I forgive you. Now strip and bend over." She gave me a medium thrashing and told me it would have been much worse if I had not admitted it. I think she already knew and was just waiting to see if I would voluntarily confess. I was filled with intimacy toward her and her mercy. Not sexual feelings but love, closeness, and the feeling of being owned and cared for.
TG, for years, we avoided the OTK position because I was convinced, based on our initial efforts, that it couldn't be severe. Turns out, years of practice *did* make perfect and Anne is now very capable of giving a thorough blistering in the OTK position.
DeleteAntonio: "Like others, when it is happening, I am of two minds. Mainly I am just trying to get through it, yet somehow, I crave it."
DeleteI definitely do NOT crave it while it is happening. In that moment, all I want is for it to be over. Yet, on the rare occasions when she displays the kind of "mercy" you describe in your last paragraph, I almost instantly wish she had gone longer. I think I need it to reach a certain level of severity for me to feel like I've really been held accountable.
"Can't explain it, but after it is over, my feelings of intimacy toward her are overpowering." I'm definitely much more affectionate and open after it is over. I hate being a cliche, but I think that like many men, I go through life with my ego defenses up. After being spanked, my ego has been much, much diminished and it makes me far more open and OK with vulnerability.
I have no adult experience with disciplinary spanking. However, I have the experience growing up under the authority of parents who spanked. I can think of nothing quite as intimate with my parents as being punished and, of course, there was nothing sexual between us.
ReplyDeleteWhen punishment was decreed, there were no secrets to be kept. Nobody else in my life had this level of power over me, and responsibility for me. My shame and humility was utterly exposed like before no one else in the world, and that was the natural order of a parent-child relationship. Because of my parents' emotional involvement in spanking, we were connected on a deep emotional level. Though they were not the most demonstrably affectionate types whose feelings were on prominent display, we kids knew we were loved.
If one can find this connection with their spouse, then I don't know how it could be considered anything but intimate. I see it as possibly the ultimate intimacy.
Yes. I feel the closeness. For me it’s the trust. You go across her knee knowing you’re going to be spanked and it’s going to hurt takes an awful lot of trust. I have total trust in her. JR
ReplyDeleteThere's also a huge amount of trust involved in proposing this kind of relationship at all. It's why, for all the emphasis we sometimes put on how DD can transform a relationship for the better, IMO it's usually the case that relationship is already on fairly solid footing, with two people who fundamentally trust each other.
DeleteI don't know how it involves a huge amount of trust, because if we are talking about a much bigger and stockier husband, he could cease cooperating at any moment, if he so wished. To me, trust would have to involve something either partially or fully irrevocable, say a single strike that could leave him in pain for a very long time. If say pain is building up as a result of several strikes in succession, it doesn't require so much trust, because he can just stop cooperating.
DeleteJ
J
DeleteIMHO all relationships involve a good amount of trust if they are to succeed. In any domestic relationship one person can suddenly change their mind and pull the rug out from under the other person. There has to be trust by both partners in each other and in their agreement or arrangement. That is why Domino did not fully let go and get into the DD/Flm until she trusted that I wasn't going to suddenly rebel. I had to trust that she was going to do this wholeheartedly and not just leave me hanging with a pretend DD/FLM . Only then could I fully submit to it. Trust is paramount. If you don't have trust, a DD/FLM relationship won't work. Like Dan commented, it may make a good relationship stronger but will not save a broken relationship.
"That is why Domino did not fully let go and get into the DD/Flm until she trusted that I wasn't going to suddenly rebel."
DeleteYears into our DD relationship, Anne told me that she had always held back from fully committing because she could never understand why any man would want this. Because she couldn't understand it, she always suspected that at some point I would change my mind and, as you said, pull the rug out from under her after she was fully committed.
I don't see trust has having anything to do with being physically helpless. Regardless if my wife was an 8-foot tall Amazon, everything is consensual, same as it would be if I was the disciplinarian and my wife smaller and weaker.
DeleteThe trust is emotional. I don't share this intimate part of myself with just anyone, and this is the person I'm sharing a life with. Can respect be maintained? Privacy? This is trusting someone with my deepest and most personal self, and that is what can be so precarious.
Brett,
DeleteI like the way you put your statement above. I don’t share this intimate part of my life with just anyone. My wife agrees whole heartedly with that statement. She says, what happens in our bedroom, stays in our bedroom. The exception is with people that we don’t know. The few times on vacation when she will make a comment in front of others. Amongst our friends and family, no one has a clue, my wife gives me a good thrashing when out of line.
T
My wife and I feel different levels of intimacy from spanking and it's a source of stress for us.
ReplyDeleteFor her, it's a task she is fine doing because it makes me happy, like washing the dishes. But she doesn't understand why I sometimes want a spanking now and pushes it off when it feels like it's getting in the way of, as she sees it, real intimacy.
For me, it's an intensely desired as a reconnection and a special shared activity, and I wish my words or body language would better communicate that in a way that she would understand emotionally.
I don't know whether we can ever expect someone to share a real interest, no matter how passionate we are about it. I have a couple of interests that I'm very into that I used to hope I could draw Anne into, as it would have been great to share those activities with her. But, sometimes our interests just don't align, and I've come to accept that.
DeleteWith DD, it's been a mixed bag. At first, I think she was mostly doing what it seems like your wife is doing -- accommodating my need even if she wasn't all that into it herself. Which isn't nothing. She could have had an aversion to it and refused outright. Over time, however, she has gotten much more into it herself. I'm not sure she feels it as "intimacy" in the say you clearly do, but it's clear that over the years she's come to really internalize the "what's in it for her" positive aspects and now is an active participant.
So, maybe for you, it's just a matter of time, even if that time is measured in years. Personally, I would not get very aggressive about finding the right words or body language, as I think that can easily drift into "pestering" or coming off as overly needy or clingy. DD and FLRs can flip the power dynamic, but I think it's still pretty infrequent that a woman feels attracted or emotionally closer to someone she sees as needy or a pest.
I couldn’t agree more. I don’t think my wife was as into it at the start of our DD. I think due to my fetish, she was indulging a kink. Things changed as ahe became more confident in her discipline; and she could see i was clearly uncomfortable during the spanking. She also noted how I became more affectionate after a severe thrashing. I became more eager to please her needs. My wife and I have different interest as well. I agree that I wish she was more athletic and into some sports. She does enjoy going to some sporting events. I believe it took a lot of communication and to see how DD benefited her. It was not just about my needs. I received two pretty severe thrashings over four days. She has become more confident as years have gone on. I do wish some things were different and she was more consistent, but at the end of the day, my wife is helping me grow.
DeleteShe did admit to me that she has gotten off during a few thrashing’s.
T
You two are right. I do need to be patient and let changes happen. That we even verbally acknowledge our differences without DD grinding to a halt is huge progress.
DeleteStill: I think there are ways I can help her without nagging. Similarly to sex, if she's preoccupied with her other obligations, she's not going to be present in the way I'd like. With sex I've learned to set the mood, solve problems for her in advance, head off surprise requests from the kids, etc. I can do the same for a punishment night.
For us I would say intimacy varies for each of us according to the phases of the spanking.
ReplyDeleteBefore the spanking , the intimacy is low for me due to the to nervous anticipation of the spanking , but for her I would say it is high as she admittedly is looking forward to taking charge and administering the spanking.
For both of us I'd say it increases during the preparation , with me naked and her fully clothed for starters and she can see that I am 'excited ' about the spanking and she feels this even more when I lie over her lap which increases my excitement.
It wanes for me ,but ramps up for her when she starts to lecture me in the otk position, as the reality that this is going to hurt sets in for me as well as guilt for what I have done to deserve the spanking. I can tell by her voice she is enjoying this part as she really drags it out.
Once the paddle or hairbrush lands there is no intimacy for me as I am just doing my best to take it like a man.
She has told me she enjoys seeing my skin turn red and sometimes even remarks on this during the spanking.
Intimacy peaks after the spanking and I too feel very close to her and usually we will make love soon after with my butt still nice and red which she enjoys smacking and pinching. Interestingly I am focussed on her butt too, almost worshipping it , kissing it and admiring it.Perhaps the spanking act just brings my attention to that part of her anatomy ?
The intimacy will remain after that or even the next day, depending when the spanking was carried out and we will do a lot more hugging , hand holding, etc.than usual and she might tease me a bit about it which I like.
"Before the spanking , the intimacy is low for me due to the nervous anticipation of the spanking." That's definitely true for me, as well. For me, there are no real feelings of intimacy until after.
DeleteThere is no question for me that spanking creates increased intimacy but is is in many ways an unbalanced intimacy in that I am fully exposed physically & emotionally. My journals, mostly daily, are very open. I am obviously very exposed during spanking and I almost always feel ‘reset’ after. It is very much ‘me focussed time’ and my wife is very happy & supportive of this element of our relationship. She has her, completely different needs which often create a similar intimacy. TB
ReplyDelete"[I]t is in many ways an unbalanced intimacy in that I am fully exposed physically & emotionally." That's a great way to put it.
DeleteI"m A.J., Norton's partner. My experience is that DD enhances intimacy in a variety of ways. For Norton, it grounds him, provides a form of reparenting or balances and compensates for his experiences during childhood. The focused loving attention, clear direct communication, clear consequences, and strong physical sensation of spanking, sometimes being held and reassured afterward, are in direct contrast to his childhood. It helps with his PTSD. This is a way to re-set his nervous system, and it works to ground him. For me, it challenges and compels me to consciously resist my familial and cultural conditioning by taking risks, asserting myself clearly, directly, and physically, and centering my experience and needs. I also really need to attend to whether or not I'm in the state of mind and at an energy level that allows me to be fully present for the encounter. We spend time talking about our feelings and observations as part of our DD in preparation for Discipline or maintenance spanking. The focused time we set aside for our regular sessions creates consistency, builds trust, and so fosters intimacy, sometimes without spanking, usually with.
ReplyDeleteWelcome, A.J. That's a great summary of the benefits of a DD relationship for both spouses. I personally get the "reparenting" aspect and, while I wasn't really aware of that motivation when we started DD, I now accept that it is a prominent part of the attraction for me.
Delete
ReplyDeleteThe comments above are especially rich in their resonance to my spanking-related sense of intimacy. Searching for a phrase or two that sums it up, I think vulnerability and openness come close: Spanking reduces or removes my ego and defensiveness, which otherwise gets in the way of connecting on a deep level with her.
As someone pointed out, there is an imbalance in this in the sense that I am the one who gets taken down (literally, in the case of my pants), and she is in control. But I think my openness brought about by being spanked acts to allow her to also open up, and intimacy between us can be the result.
It is the power of spanking to strip me of my defenses that produces the magic. But unlike many other things in a long-term relationship, it never stops being magical.
Alan
Alan, I completely agree that it never gets old, but it’s so much more than that. We realized years ago that since it clears the air and lets us move past a problem that could otherwise fester, the whole marriage stays fresh, loving and fun and doesn’t fall into the funk that some do. We’ve sometimes seen other marriages that were obviously having problems and agreed that if they could adopt DD it could save them. TG
Delete
DeleteTG WROTE: “We’ve sometimes seen other marriages that were obviously having problems and agreed that if they could adopt DD, it could save them.”
That is something that many have probably pondered. Once, I would have thought that a female-led DD was not likely unless one or both partners had a spanking fetish. The erotic power of spanking can be transformative. But without the eroticism, I would have thought that there is probably not much DD going on. More recently, however, this blog has had a couple of males who describe a successful DD that does incorporate spanking, but apparently without any or much of a spanking fetish. She may use punishment spanking but neither partner has a spanking fetish.
So now I am more open-minded that sometimes A FM/ DD relationship is possible between two “vanillas.” If spanking is present, it is a disciplinary tool and has no erotic purpose. This does raise the issue of what a female-led DD requires. For example, what do we call a relationship in which the female is a clear disciplinarian—but there is no spanking? Or what about a relationship in which there is spanking but no underlying erotic dynamic linked to spanking?These relationships apparently do exist and may be more common than known
Alan
"I think vulnerability and openness come close: Spanking reduces or removes my ego and defensiveness, which otherwise gets in the way of connecting on a deep level with her."
DeleteThat's exactly it for me, Alan.
It's interesting that so many of us came to this lifestyle via some exposure to the DWC, and so many of the stories on there involved couples who supposedly did not include one or both partners having a spanking fetish. Al's "Even More" story is one of the few that involved a husband with a pre-existing interest in spanking, which transformed over time into a fascination with disciplinary spankings. For some reason, there seems to be either a big attraction to scenarios that involve spanking but not a spanking fetish, or an aversion to admitting to the erotic dynamic.
For me, I did not have a spanking fetish at the time I discovered the DWC. But, I had become interested in spanking as "role play" after seeing a segment on adult spanking on the old HBO series Real Sex. But, it was a pretty mild interest until I discovered the DWC. From the moment of that discovery, there was a strong erotic element to the attraction, and there still is. But, I do see how some could adopt disciplinary spankings for purely utilitarian reasons, including both behavior modification and "relationship maintenance."
"We’ve sometimes seen other marriages that were obviously having problems and agreed that if they could adopt DD it could save them. "
DeleteSame here, though I've never been open enough to actually suggest it to anyone.
Alan
DeleteWe are definitely not vanilla so we don't fit your question exactly, but Domino uses other means of discipline on me, alone or in conjunction with spanking. So I didn't think spanking is necessary in a DD/FLM situation. Other types of discipline could be used. It just seems that spanking is the most prevalent for many reasons that have been discussed here. I think it can be DD, spanking used or something else.
Antonio
There are other methods of discipline other than spanking, but spanking has so much more going for it over any other method. I personally can't see getting into a DD relationship without some erotic attraction to spanking. It's the paradoxical nature of an F/M spanking relationship, where the male may know he needs a spanking. but will do everything he can to avoid it. However, there are times when I will ask for a spanking, if I know I need one. Fortunately, I usually don't need to ask.
DeleteI'd agree that eroticism is a natural doorway into DD and it was a big part of the attraction for me, if not for my wife. She still maintains that she gets some pleasure out of hand spanking, but not so much with any implement.
DeleteEven with me, the excitement has waned and was replaced by a feeling of contentment that my wife can and will discipline me when I deserve it. To me, this is the desirable feeling of intimacy that has developed through spanking.
After a disciplinary session, it's obvious to Beth that I am ready for sex, but she clearly is not. This is largely because she is still unhappy about whatever earned me my punishment and is annoyed that my male mind can so quickly move on from it. For similar reasons, she has no interest in pleasuring each other in that moment. Fortunately , the page is almost always turned the next day and we have had some very enjoyable makeup sex that way.
Kevin
"Even with me, the excitement has waned and was replaced by a feeling of contentment that my wife can and will discipline me when I deserve it."
DeleteIt's kind of the same for me. The erotic energy has definitely diminished over time, though it's far from gone.
"This is largely because she is still unhappy about whatever earned me my punishment and is annoyed that my male mind can so quickly move on from it."
I hadn't really thought of it before, but I guess this could be downside of more immediacy. My spankings tend to trail the offense by a day or more, which probably creates some emotional distance between the offense and the punishment. But, honestly, it's pretty rare that Anne is anything but business-like during a spanking. She rarely seems to be majorly annoyed or angry during a session.