The Club - Meeting 462 - Outing and Being Outed

Nail up some indecency in plain sight over your door; from that time forward you will be rid of all respectable people, the most insupportable folk God has created. -- Paul Guaguin

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Disciplinary Couples Club.  Our weekly meeting of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led (FLR) relationships.

 

Once again, before we get started, I would like to extend a specific invitation to any of our female readers, if they still exist, to move from “lurker” to “commenter” status. We miss having you around. 

 

I hope you all had a great week.  Like much of the rest of the country, we are huddling inside trying to stay warm.  As much as I appreciate the inspirational humor in this meme, I wouldn’t think about it where we live, as something would likely freeze and fall off.

Although we had a good discussion last week, I feel like some of our regulars are still enjoying the holidays.  Truth be told, a half-month into the new year I too don’t really feel like 2024 has gotten started.  There’s the weather that I mentioned, keeping us in what feels like I state of suspended animation. We also had some family and household obligations during the first two weeks of this new year that ending up taking up more time and emotional commitment than we really saw coming.  The result has been that 2023 ended with more of a whimper than a roar where all things DD were concerned, and that hasn’t changed much in 2024.  The result is, I still haven’t presented Anne with my thoughts on some personal goals I would like help with and, in fact, I haven’t even finalized my own thoughts on the specifics of that ask.  So, I guess you could say that 2024 is starting out like most other years – irrational optimism fizzling quickly upon encountering real life.

 

The discussion of leaving instruments on display covered some good ground, though it seems like most of us who responded were, in fact, fairly comfortable leaving instruments of some sort on display, even if in doing so we were depending on any visitors not actually discerning that the items on display are, in fact, associated with spanking. 

 

Something we also probably should have talked about more is the possibility of someone inadvertently coming across a spanking implement, and what our reaction was (or likely would be).

 

 

Some, like Spanked Cowboy and Norton, seem to be pretty comfortable with more or less open displays. Norton even saw it as a possible conversation starter:

 

“Leaving spanking implements out is an appealing idea, as it is an open invitation for guests to inquire about it. We sometimes have a paddle hanging on the wall, but it is hidden if any guests are around. I did forget to hide it once, but she didn't ask about it. My cleaning lady discovered a paddle under the bed, and she put it on the bedside table, but she never asked about it. In general, it's a great idea, and it could lead to sharing your DD with others. If they aren't comfortable inquiring about it, then they won't say anything.”

 

My own inclinations are probably closer to Alan’s, which I might describe as “less is more.” 

 

“We have a different approach to the display of her disciplinary tools. It is something we used early at my suggestion and something she has returned to many times. She had an old-style armless straight-backed chair when we met. It became her go-to, along with the couch, when she spanked me OTK. She kept it in a guest bedroom, where she often took me for punishment.

After marriage, I suggested she keep it in our bedroom in a corner with a hairbrush on it to remind me of her authority. She did so, and it really worked.

 

She has spanked me in that chair, but that is not the reason it works. I know I am, in fact, unlikely to be spanked in our bedroom. It works because it is a regular reminder to me of her authority and what can happen if I forget that.

Just seeing it over and over has deepened my commitment to obedience to her. And she has told me that it makes her feel powerful when she really looks at it. No one except her mother and one sister is ever in our bedroom, so we can leave it there except when they are expected, or we are traveling or on vacation.

 

I also get a sexual tingle from it sometimes, and I suspect she does, too. The chair with a hairbrush on top makes a statement that is very powerful emotionally and sexually. But it's very different from leaving disciplinary tools around where they may be seen. It's very private and personal. Her sister has seen me spanked, and her mother knows she spanks me. But neither of them has ever seen the chair.

 

I’ve talked about how Anne and I leave her ebony hairbrush and bath brush on open display in the master bath.  While a visitor to our bathroom might draw certain conclusions, for me the display functions more as private reminder. Though, as I’ll talk about more below, at this point I don’t have any big concerns about someone drawing their own conclusions.

 

The topic of leaving spanking instruments on open displays segues nicely into Alan’s suggested topic, which we'll take up this week, i.e. being “out”:

 

Dan, this probably deserves its own topic someday, offering folks a chance to think through and express their feeling about being "out". Like most I am in conflict over it and conflict as usual produces paralysis when left unresolved. But one's sexuality is so central to who we are that hiding it at best misses an important opportunity to self-actualize. The example of the LGBTQ+ community is so instructive re: what happens when hidden sexual minorities assert their rights. People in DD relationships, male and female, no matter what side of the paddle you are on, deserve the right to remain private but also the right to be open if they choose. And anyone who chooses to demean us on any grounds is as much of an empty-headed bigot as the racist or gay- basher down the street.

 

I get the conflict Alan feels around openness and being “out.”  Hell, my approach to this blog probably epitomizes it.  I obviously feel some deep need to talk about this lifestyle, since I’ve been doing so here on a weekly basis for almost a decade.   

 

Yet, it’s also true that I use a pseudonym and don’t share many identifying details. There is only one vanilla person in my life who (for sure) knows about our DD activities, and there are only four or five others who I’ve met through this blog and have formed a relationship with that includes some personal contact and knowledge of the other’s real identity. 

 Do I wish for a greater degree of “outing”?  Yes and no.  On the one hand, most of the time I don’t feel any compelling need to share more than I already do. But, I do think that my overly paranoid concerns about confidentiality have cost me some opportunities for connections that I wish I had not missed out on.

 

The best example is Aunt Kay of the Disciplinary Wives Club. I learned about the DWC when it was still functioning like an actual club of sorts, with participants having real contact with each other and particularly with Aunt Kay and her husband “Jerry.”  Within a couple of years, it had started its decline, with website functions vanishing one by one.  I did exchange a few emails with Kay before she passed away, and she was familiar with this blog and told her husband she hoped I would keep the DWC spirit moving forward, and I’ve since formed a real relationship with him. Yet, I regret that my concerns about “coming out” and disclosing my identity kept me from initiating more real contact with Aunt Kay and others in the DWC before it was too late.

 

Also, I’m sure that being so closeted about this has cost us in terms of the consistency we both think would help with behavior correction through deterrence.  It’s not as big an issue now that we are empty-nesters, but not being more “out” certainly set a pattern that we’ve never really escaped from despite having the house to ourselves most of the time.

 

So, although many of us think about what it might cost us if we were “out,” it’s wrong to assume that there are no costs associated with not being out, if only the cost of lost opportunities for community and connection.

 

Therefore, knowing there is a cost to not outing myself, why have I not come fully out of the DD closet?  Honestly, most of it is just inertia and also a feeling that it probably wouldn’t change much in the way I live my day-to-day life.  I can truthfully say that since retiring, most of the time I have neither a great fear of being outed or a great desire to open that part of myself up to the world.

 

I’m also not sure where Anne is these days on the whole “openness” thing. I’ve talked about how over the last year she started spanking me with the window shades open, which creates at least the theoretical chance that a neighbor could get an eyeful.  Yet, it also may be telling that, for the handful of people who know about our DD and know my real identity, the reason they know is because I told them. As far as I know, in twenty years of this thing we do, Anne has not told anyone herself, though she is open about it with the one vanilla friend I told.

 

I feel like I’m not the norm in that respect and that, among those who are partially “out” it has more typically been the wife who has decided to do that outing, whether it is telling a sister or girlfriend and/or inviting someone to witness or overhear a spanking. In fact, in going through my collection of spanking art for this post, I could not find a single meme or piece of spanking art depicting a scenario in which the husband did the outing and, in most instances, the scenarios implicitly or expressly involved a wife deciding to "out" the DD relationship to others over her husband's objections or at least without his affirmative consent.

And, for those who are closeted, it’s an interesting thought experience to test the extent to which real power has been ceded to the wife to ask what if she told you she wants to be more openly in charge?  What if she told you that she wants it be clear that she wears the pants?  What if that included her disclosing to anyone she chooses that she spanks you? 

 

And, which would you find more embarrassing for others to know – that she spanks you, that those spankings are for real punishment and discipline, or that she has some degree of unequal authority in your relationship?  Your answer might shed some light on a question that may be implicit in the connection Alan drew between being “out” about DD and “out” about sexual orientation, i.e. what is your assessment of where society is in terms of both gender equality and openness to kink? Is there a consensus that society is becoming more accepting of spanking if it is a kink but not if it is a tool used to reinforce a man taking second place to his wife in the decision-making hierarchy?

 

I also very recently came across this piece of spanking art, which to me raises all sorts of interesting feelings about the prospect of total strangers knowing.  Why do we care so much about the judgment of strangers?

 

 

If any of the wives would like to join in, I would personally be very curious what you think about openness and “outing.”  To what extent are you currently “out” about your disciplinary or FLR lifestyle?  Would you feel embarrassed if others knew about it? If so, why, given that you aren’t the one being spanked or bossed around?  Do you have concerns about “outing” your husband, or would you see that as part of the process of reinforcing your role or, perhaps, humbling him?