“It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives. It's what we do consistently.” – Tony Robbins
Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club. Our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship.
I hope you all had a great week. Mine was kind of weird. Some things went on that were related to Domestic Discipline but kind of indirectly. There were some things that were not DD related but that I saw through a DD lens. And, there was a general sense that our forward momentum on DD once again kind of sputtered out and that it’s not really advantageous for either one of us.
On the first, I ended up in a tiff with someone who used to be a commenter here. I won’t go into details, but it centered on some of the old Disciplinary Wives Club materials and who has the right to use them. The bottomline for me is, unless and until he says differently, Aunt Kay’s husband gets to determine what happens with those materials and no one has a right to use them without permission. The other person didn’t see it that way, and dealing with some things he had imprudently done ended up consuming hours of time. Have you had people in your life who maybe don’t have ill-intent but also have such poor judgment and impulse control that, at their best, a relationship with them consumes more time than it can ever possibly be worth?
The second thing that set this week apart from ordinary weeks was a physical challenge I set for myself, namely climbing a very tall mountain. I do a fair amount of hiking, but I’m not an experienced mountaineer by any means. A couple of years ago, after coming off of a joint replacement and having something to prove, I set out to summit my first 14,000 ft. peak. I succeeded, though only by pushing so far past my perceived limits that it really had a pretty profound mental impact that lasted for weeks.
The peak I tried this week
was actually not as high. Having done a
taller peak, I thought this one would be easier. Yet, I quit before summiting. I hit a technical section that was steep and
filled with loose rocks. I got in my own
head about the fact that I was climbing alone and could get hurt and be unable
to get back down on my own. I also
considered how long it was taking me to traverse this large rock field and
became worried about summer lightning storms coming in about the time I reached
the top. And, I hate to admit it, but it also became clear that I really have
let my conditioning slip this year.
So, telling myself that “discretion
is the better part of valor,” I headed back down.
None of that has much to do with DD, at least not directly. Yet, I did process some of it through a DD filter. It occurred to me that while I had the option to quit on the mountain and did so, it never seems to feel that way during a spanking. Theoretically, in the back of my mind, I know that I could resist being taken past my perceived limits, yet that has never really happened.
It has a lot to do with the topic of inevitability that we talked about a few weeks ago and/or about being taken out of the context where you feel yourself to be in control. When I did the mountain two years ago, going up was hard, but that part was mostly about physical conditioning. I just gutted it out. It was the opposite of being taken out of my “control zone.” It was about exercising my own will to get through something hard.
Coming down, however, was another matter. I was in agony by the time I was half-way down, but it wasn’t like a sherpa was going to come along and carry me down on his back. I literally had no choice but to keep going, and I had to keep going way, way longer than I felt I had the physical capacity to do. It was a very disquieting experience. I’ve used this captioned meme a few times, but I think it really encapsulates something important about the mental and emotional process involved in taking something you really, really wish were not happening:
On this second mountain, it was grueling coming down but not to the same extent, and my emotional reaction to it was dampened. Again, I processed that through a DD filter. When I’ve hit some emotional threshold in DD, it has tended to be when a spanking was much harder or longer than I thought was deserved or when a lecture really cut me to the core. Yes, in those circumstances I did feel resentful on some level, but I also felt disquieted because something was imposed on me that I didn’t agree with, yet it happened anyway. This time, I was still within my “control zone,” so I had a much lesser emotional reaction, which is kind of a disappointment in and of itself.
On a more pedestrian, less philosophical level, while the source of my failure to summit this time was largely mental, it also seemed like I just wasn’t as physically fit as I was two years ago, which is to a large part about the fact that I haven’t been as disciplined this year as I should have been about getting into the gym and pushing myself physically, which is, in turn, reflective of a general downturn in my self-discipline as compared to last year.
Finally, it was a week in which a couple of other instances of bad behavior were on display, and Anne has said I will be spanked. I know I need to be, yet I find myself mentally resistant. That’s natural of course, given how hard she spanks.
Yet, I think it’s more about the fact that it’s been at least a month and probably more since my last one. Because I'm not going through it regularly, each one seems like a very big deal.
Aunt Kay said, "A spanking should be an event to remember." But, should every spanking be?
When spankings don’t happen all that often, each of them is an “event,” and that has its own consequences. TB made a somewhat similar point last week
What we are working on now is consistency, speed of (her) reaction, avoiding any disputes and her verbally highlighting when I am close to a behavioral boundary. This is definitely working for both of us as is a more frequent and more 'casual' spanking regime. We discuss any previous day's issues first thing in the morning and she will punish at that point. As we have guests currently that means a session with the synthetic cane, my least 'favorite' implement. We have not had an argument for some time now as she seems to have learned to channel any such feeling into either a warning or a spanking. However, there have been more than the usual amount of spankings...
The more 'casual' approach means that for her a spanking is less of an 'event' and more of a minor correction. She seems more comfortable initiating a spanking which is probably why it is happening more frequently. – TB
Frequency does seem to be especially important when dealing with deeply-rotted habits. As MW said a few weeks ago:
“I found that when I was spanked frequently (daily or nearly daily) for the same problem, the memory of the pain, the soreness, and the little twinge in the butt would remind me to do the right thing. For one persistent problem I would actually feel desperate and a little fearful and work harder at it. It was a wonderful feeling after years of making no progress on it.”
MW’s comment illustrates that more frequency does not necessarily mean the whole thing becomes kind of “old hat.” Instead, knowing that you truly are not going to get away something may heighten your anxiety about it, leading to that “healthy fear” that for some of us is a byproduct of our wives becoming more and more consistent.
During the times when she is spanking me more frequenty, I don’t necessarily feel “better,” in terms of settling into any sort of comfortable routine. In fact, it’s kind of the opposite. Part of me knows I need it, to the point that I actually request more frequency and consistency. Yet, the part of me that is very comfortable maintaining my “control zone” actively resents being less able to get out of a deserved spanking and having my control over my own actions curtailed more effectively.
In that sense, more frequency inevitably ends up with me feeling like I’m less in control and like the discipline is being imposed whether I agree with it or not.
Also, paradoxically, while spanking more frequently may seem like it would be burdensome, one of the reasons habits are so powerful is they don’t require as much mental energy as constantly considering whether to do or not do a particular action. A friend I made several years ago through this blog and who is on the other end of the paddle put it this way on herblog:
“While I feared increased control or strictness could breed resentment, it has the opposite effect. He needs the structure and the clarity. He needs the consistency and knowing what is expected. I also think, although probably less so in the moment, that he craves the accountability as well. Being in this type of relationship really requires some shifts in conventional thinking and finding ways to make sense of concepts that perhaps seem counter intuitive. It is the difference between viewing follow-up as being a nag or as holding him accountable.
It also is not just better for him. It is better for me. It is easier for me to know that when I make a decision, it will be followed because I am not leaving room for resistance. It is also easier because I have control over my own life and can be responsible for the choices I make, which also means I have no one to blame but myself if it turns out not to be the best choice. It is just simpler and easier.”
These were some of thoughts I was having this week, after more or less determining in my own mind that things were working better for both of us a few months ago when she was spanking me more often. It was nowhere close to daily, but a few months there it became a rare week that I wouldn’t get spanked at least once.
Although we’ve done the topic
of “frequency” before, it’s been a while.
So, let’s explore it from several different angles, including:
- How often do you get spankings that are for real discipline or punishment? How many times a year do you estimate you get such spankings?
- Given whatever your or her behavioral and relationship goals for you may be, is the frequency of your spankings too little? Too much? Just right?
- How does frequency relate to severity and duration? If you are getting spanked frequently, does that mean individual spankings are short and less severe than a very serious spanking delivered every once in a while?
- How closely is spanking frequency tied to misbehavior frequency and/or the seriousness of your misbehavior? If you seem to be going outside the boundaries more often, does she ramp of the frequency for a while and then return to some lesser baseline?
- We’ve talked from time to time about the impediments to frequency and consistency, like having kids around, visitors, and other distractions. But, what about the positive question: if you have gotten to a frequency/consistency level that works for you both, were there particular changes or developments that got you there.
- Does your wife find frequency and consistency to be a burden, or is it mentally/emotionally freeing to impose a rule and stick to it?
- Other thoughts about frequency?
I hope you all have a great week.
"How often do you get spankings that are for real discipline or punishment? How many times a year do you estimate you get such spankings?"
ReplyDeleteMore times than I can count! Very regularly! My wife does it for small things.
"Given whatever your or her behavioral and relationship goals for you may be, is the frequency of your spankings too little? Too much? Just right?"
I believe the frequency of my spankings to be something close to just right. What sort of relationship goals are you referring to?
"How does frequency relate to severity and duration? If you are getting spanked frequently, does that mean individual spankings are short and less severe than a very serious spanking delivered every once in a while?"
I assume so. Nothing is allowed to accumulate. Issues are addressed very early, but this question presupposes I either have intimate knowledge of how another couple does things or that we have tried out the less-frequent-more-severe option ourselves, which we have not. How would you obtain a reference frame for answering such a question?
"How closely is spanking frequency tied to misbehavior frequency and/or the seriousness of your misbehavior? If you seem to be going outside the boundaries more often, does she ramp of the frequency for a while and then return to some lesser baseline?"
The frequency stays the same, but she ramps up the severity according to what is going on, e.g. if she feels she is spanking me for the same things and I am not listening.
"We’ve talked from time to time about the impediments to frequency and consistency, like having kids around, visitors, and other distractions. But, what about the positive question: if you have gotten to a frequency/consistency level that works for you both, were there particular changes or developments that got you there."
Not really. We just agreed from the start that we would do it daily before conjugal relations. Nice and simple and easy to keep to. If there are no discipline issues to spank for, it is a maintenance spanking. If there are, it becomes a DD spanking, which is much more severe. Since we are talking about two things that we are not exposing children to, it makes sense to do them both together and just keep a routine.
"Does your wife find frequency and consistency to be a burden, or is it mentally/emotionally freeing to impose a rule and stick to it?"
No, no problems for her. It is a well-established routine and therefore we are able to stick to it without forgetting. The daily frequency means she does it without having to think about the frequency, which she says is liberating to her.
Other thoughts about frequency?
Little and often is the best strategy, because it establishes habits.
J
Thanks, J
DeleteDD is like sex , both have to be in the mood. While men usually initiate sex she decides whether it will happen.
ReplyDeleteWhen she is in the mood for dishing out a spanking you can be sure it's going to happen.
I think that is why with DD the frequency fluctuates.
Your wife may be more empathetic than mine. If I'm not in the mood, Anne couldn't care less. Which is probably as it should be.
DeleteIn the order asked: Q1, one if I'm lucky and even then Mrs GL doesn't necessarily define it as one, more a case of verbal admonishment being involved where usually during a maintenance their isn't any.
ReplyDeleteQ2, for maintenance I'd like weekly but live with the success of getting it to fortnightly. In terms of deserved I should probably have had at least 3 since April so the fact I haven't had any says any/more is required.
Q3, hard to day, the maintenance levels can vary in a limited sence but never reach levels I'd consider punishment.
Q4, not at all.
Q5, my persistence is what got us to where we are today and her resistance is what keeps it there presently.
Q6, more of a chore than a burden I'd say/hope.
Q7, my perfect world if I was on the end of a minimum of once a week, regardless of what category the event comes under, then I would be very content.
Cheers, GLM.
Thanks, GLM.
DeleteDan, I learned to cut people out of my life who were too much work. I learned valuable lessons in life on what true friendship is. I personally believe individuals are placed in your life at certain times for a reason. That old saying, if you can count your true friends on one hand, count yourself lucky. I agree 1000% that Tomy is the owner of the DWC material and it should not be used without his personal consent. As for the topic of the week, 1. I counted about two dozen last year. 2. I believe they are too little and should be increased in frequency and severity. 3. I’ve had multiples in a few days and they hurt a lot more on a sore bottom. I received a very painful hairbrush and leather paddle spanking a few days ago and am still sore. 4. They get delivered in a manner she sees fit, I wish they would be delivered immediately and while she is still upset and/or angry. 5. My wife buying new implements seems to me that she wants to ramp up discipline and severity. I explained to her that I need this and she should deliver punishment swiftly and severely. Of course, this was after a few glasses of wine with dinner. I still can’t bring myself to ask for a beating. 6. My wife says she enjoys thrashing my bottom . Do I think it’s burdensome at times for her, yes. I think it takes much more work for the wife in DD, then the husband. She needs to stay consistent and deliver punishment when not in the mood. I promised her a long time ago. I would never not bend over for a spanking, even if I didn’t agree with her. I do believe she sees my attitude and overall demeanor improve after a good punishment session.
ReplyDeleteT
T., you're right about friendship, and I do have a tendency to keep relationships after it's become clear they really aren't serving a purpose. Even with people who I do like, sometimes relationships just move on. When I left my last job, I expected to stay in contact with way more people than I actually did. It turned out that many of those workplace friendships were way more contextual than I thought.
DeleteTwo dozen a year is more than our average. Probably, if I'm honest, about double our average. But, last night something happened that made even Anne realize our current frequency probably is too low. I'll talk about that more next week.
"I explained to her that I need this and she should deliver punishment swiftly and severely. Of course, this was after a few glasses of wine with dinner." Been there, done that.
"I wish they would be delivered immediately and while she is still upset and/or angry." I go back and forth on the "immediacy" issue. I think there probably would be advantages to her in doing that, but I think sometimes for me to really "get the message," it takes about 24 hours for me to process what happened and get out of the stage where I'm sure I was right and she was wrong or to get to a stage where I really want to be held accountable. I do agree that Anne really should spank when she's upset or angry, which probably does mean more immediacy even if I'm not in quite the right mindset for it.
First, as I have mentioned before, my wife does utilize weekly maintenance spankings (most weeks) to help maintain the "disciplinary wife aura" in our home. These are real spankings - always at least a 100 whacks - all hard enough to matter, usually otk (as this reinforces the "maternal/loving" aspect). She typically uses a combination of strap and bath brush for these - and they do leave me with a very red sore behind and sometimes some tears - but they are not as severe as a punishment spanking .
ReplyDeleteIt is also not unusual for me to receive an "attitude adjustment / quick behavioral correction" spanking of similar style - usually somewhat more intense (harder, longer, often bent over) - these are the ones that are most often the "spank first and ask questions later" type - and these probably average out at about once per week. Sometimes, she will combine them with the weekly maintenance - for a longer spanking.
And for real punishment, it's bent over the bed (table, etc) with much harder whacks - mostly with the bath brush or other wooden paddle - at least 150 or so whacks (often 200 plus) - very painful and tough to endure. Fortunately, these are less common - just a few per year.
My wife, by her own admission, enjoys spanking me. She loves to spank for the joy of spanking and all that goes with it - the sense of power, the sounds of the paddle on my bare behind - along with the sound of my submission and contrition - watching my ass turn red - watching me squirm and struggle. Having said that, she is not sadistic or cruel - she knows that at one level, I find value in being spanked as well, even if not while the spanking is occurring. And, she knows how to moderate the spanking so that I will know that I have been well spanked, yet without writhing in agony the whole time (except, of course, for those real punishment spankings which do approach that threshold).
--al
Al said: “My wife, by her own admission, enjoys spanking me. She loves to spank for the joy of spanking and all that goes with it - the sense of power, the sounds of the paddle on my bare behind - along with the sound of my submission and contrition - watching my ass turn red - watching me squirm and struggle.”
DeleteMy wife has admitted to similar pleasures including watching me bare-assed in the corner after a spanking and (to my surprise) the sounds of a spanking such as paddle smacks or strap cracks. What still surprises me about that is that she doesn’t have a mean (or sadistic) bone in her body. It’s the power I think that turns her own
What I find surpassing about her being turned on is the pleasure and gratification I feel from her pleasure. Both women who have disciplined me with spanking came to enjoy dishing it out, so I don’t know what it would be like to have a reluctant partner or even one who could not share my own excitement. I think DD would become very tedious and uninspiring if one of the partners saw it as a chore.
PS I have had the equivalent of 150 or so with a bath brush but perhaps only three or four times and the bruising lasted more than a week (probably 10 days for at least one of them. I am slightly in awe of you for taking punishment like that regularly and your wife for administering it.
Alan
Delete"My wife, by her own admission, enjoys spanking me. She loves to spank for the joy of spanking and all that goes with it - the sense of power, the sounds of the paddle on my bare behind - along with the sound of my submission and contrition - watching my ass turn red - watching me squirm and struggle."
Anne *claims* that it's not the spanking itself that turns her on, but rather watching me prepare for one. But, increasingly, I just don't believe her. I think over time she has come to enjoy aspects of the spanking itself.
"Having said that, she is not sadistic or cruel - she knows that at one level, I find value in being spanked as well, even if not while the spanking is occurring." I'll probably go into this more next week, but I got spanked last night, for something I wasn't really on board with and told her so. I did the usual attempts at denial, delay, etc., but she stuck to her guns. Afterward, she said something to the effect of, "I'm sure you feel better now that you've been spanked and, deep inside, are glad I carried through." The most I can say is . . . sort of. I still don't agree with the reason, but I do think the exercise of authority was important for her and for me. And, as this week's topic is frequency, our frequency has not been what it should be recently, so this one did maybe help us get back on track.
"And, she knows how to moderate the spanking so that I will know that I have been well spanked, yet without writhing in agony the whole time (except, of course, for those real punishment spankings which do approach that threshold)." Last night Anne gave a shorter spanking that usual, but it was still probably a good 125 swats. Even that was really an exception -- she's usually almost completely binary "on/off."
Alan said: "What I find surpassing about her being turned on is the pleasure and gratification I feel from her pleasure. Both women who have disciplined me with spanking came to enjoy dishing it out, so I don’t know what it would be like to have a reluctant partner or even one who could not share my own excitement."
DeleteI strongly agree. I *want* her to get turned on by her role. I honestly have a hard time understanding men who really push for these relationships even when it's clear their wives are not into it I get the need, but I don't think my need would feel fulfilled if I thought she was just, at best, accommodating me. Maybe it's because that kind of reluctance is just fundamentally incompatible with any sense of the discipline being "imposed," and that sense of it being something that is being done to me whether I want it or not is a big part of my dynamic.
150 or more with the bath brush is pretty standard for us. I don't bruise very easily these days, but last time it left gray, dark shaded areas that stayed that way for several days, which I guess technically is a form of bruising.
Dan writes: “When I’ve hit some emotional threshold in DD, it has tended to be when a spanking was much harder or longer than I thought was deserved or when a lecture really cut me to the core. Yes, in those circumstances, I did feel resentful on some level, but I also felt disquieted because something was imposed on me that I didn’t agree with, yet it happened anyway”
ReplyDeleteI experience some of this more when she slowly, almost arrogantly, takes my pants down knowing I am psychologically unable to resist it and when they are down, I have been trained they don’t go back up again without explicit permission. That shook me deeply the first time it happened. That was with my former girlfriend, and it took a couple of days until I calmed down and realized it was really what I wanted and just shocked that it had happened
When spanking reaches the point you are describing I am usually past any resentment and close to that hopeless feeling that she might not ever stop. I know that’s an illusion but it seems very real at the time, and that is what leads to crying when crying happens. I don’t mean to play Dr. Freud but the resentment you feel might be preventing you from crying at that point in a spanking. I am known as a stubborn guy that doesn’t give up, but I think I have met my match in you
Alan
"That was with my former girlfriend, and it took a couple of days until I calmed down and realized it was really what I wanted and just shocked that it had happened." Yes! And, I totally get what you mean by "almost arrogantly" taking control. With Anne, it tends to be more "business like," but there is a certain arrogance in that that is disquieting.
DeleteIt's seldom that I've expressly felt resentment while a spanking was happening, but it has happened and, in fact, it happened last night. But, I do think that you're right that the resistance that keeps me from spanking is something similar to resentment. It's definitely a form of stubbornness, like the competitive, "I can outlast anyone in a fight" part of me takes over and just will not give in. It's no accident that one of my all-time favorite movies is Cool Hand Luke.
1) I have been getting a punishment spanking about every 2 weeks. Last week, we both decided to increase our DD, and she would spank ASAP after the transgression. I recieved 2 punishment spankings last week.
ReplyDelete2) Now it feels just right. Before, it seemed like I needed more.
3) Again, this has changed recently. I think before, she would worry more about delivering a hard paddling soon after the last one. I recently encouraged her to err on the side of severity, and she has done so.
4) The punishment spankings are more frequent and more severe, depending on the transgression. The main issue there is how much it affects her. If I go outside the boundaries, she will spank accordingly.
5) There are no impediments or distractions to get in the way of spanking. I asked for an increased level of DD, and she has provided it. I think she is also realizing the benifets for her, so she seems to be more motivated.
6) It doesn't seem to be a burden at all to her. It also isn't something she particularly likes to do, but she really likes the results of improved behavior, increased self esteem, and occassionally having a reliable outlet to vent her frustrations with me.
7) I have come to accept Aunt Kay's advice to wives about the more often and the harder you spank him, the more he will love you for it. Weekly maintenance spankings insure that spankings and the intimate talk before will continue without a break.
"It doesn't seem to be a burden at all to her. It also isn't something she particularly likes to do, but she really likes the results of improved behavior, increased self esteem, and occassionally having a reliable outlet to vent her frustrations with me."
DeleteI think that's mostly true with Anne as well, though I think over time she has come to like it more than she lets on. And, I definitely think she has come to openly enjoy her role more, including the self-confidence it brings. And, honestly, I think part of her simply gets off on the power.
More on the daily spankings: they were as hard as an infrequent spanking would have been (though as I've also mentioned, that's not as hard as others have experienced.) So the effects of them would pile up when applied daily and that helped me.
ReplyDeleteI learned that I had a natural cooling off period after being spanked. If I were spanked only between those cooling off periods, I would be getting what I wanted. A daily spanking would happen before I was ready for the next one. By asking to be spanked often, I was putting myself in conflict with a base need to be spanked exactly as often as I desired. I wasn't under my wife's authority but I was under the authority of our agreement.
High frequency was stressful for my wife. Right now they are too infrequent to help me or to scratch my itch. Sometimes I think: I just need to get "spank him" on her daily routine, and she will accept it will get done as surely as meal planning. Other times I think she needs to have a breakthrough where she takes pleasure in spanking me and in changing my behavior. Other times I think she needs to see what a deep need it meets and commit emotionally to helping me with that. I know her response would be "just tell me what you want!" but then her stress and emotions build when we are seriously practicing DD.
Kids are our big logistical challenge. We have done well with heavy wooden implements that are quiet when swung moderately. They also look innocuous. Even with those, some days it's still impossible to do anything.
"A daily spanking would happen before I was ready for the next one. By asking to be spanked often, I was putting myself in conflict with a base need to be spanked exactly as often as I desired."
DeleteI think I get that. I tell myself that I want to be under her control, but the fact is my ego still wants to control the timing, and the severity, and the reasoning. Yet, that challenge to my ego's need to maintain control is exactly what I want and, on some level, need. It's always just an unpleasant (in that moment) shock when it happens.
Spankings here are given as needed. We tried “ maintenance “ spankings but felt without a valid reason it was nothing more than a weekly beating. Dev started a new thing a few months ago. “ Marathon spankings “ . One is given every hour or so. Same place , position , implement, severity and duration. We did four last time. The first two were fairly easy. The third hurt more and the fourth was bad. She says she enjoys giving them with the hardest ones given out in the woodshed. It’s been a while since we’ve made that trip. Number per year varies but I’d like to see more but I don’t want to pressure her to the point she resents it.
ReplyDelete"We tried “ maintenance “ spankings but felt without a valid reason it was nothing more than a weekly beating." We tried them for a very short period of time, and my reaction was similar to yours. My guess is that the guys who do really want maintenance tend to be closer to the "spanking fetish" end of the spectrum than I am. Something that was pre-scheduled and happened regardless of whether either of us thought I'd done something wrong just doesn't work for me.
Delete"She says she enjoys giving them with the hardest ones given out in the woodshed. It’s been a while since we’ve made that trip." As I've said, your woodshed stories trigger all sorts of powerful reactions for me. And, I can see how one element of keeping that experience powerful for both of you is keeping it rare and tightly connected to the most intense sessions.
I would agree it is better to be spanked when there is a specific reason to do it. That said, we find maintenance spankings to be extremely helpful in our DD. I requested she increase our DD in whatever way she wanted, and she has significantly increased the intensity of my maintenance spankings. The benifets are as follows......
DeleteI will be more constantly aware of her authority and willingness to spank
Because I receive a maintenance spanking twice a week, Iam never more than three or four days away from another hard paddling.
Due to the frequency and intensity of the maintenance spankings, I am much more careful to avoid an even more intense and longer disciplinary spanking. I am less stressed out and she gets better behavior and more respect.
Each session is an opportunity to reconnect in a relaxed and intimate way.
More intimacy leads to more and better sex.
Sometimes the spankings are hard to take, and Iam sore a lot these days, but I now feel much calmer and generally happier.
Good for you! You are "living the dream" and should be very thankful.
Delete• How often do you get spankings that are for real discipline or punishment? How many times a year do you estimate you get such spankings?
ReplyDelete-Maybe one a month or thereabouts. I work at avoiding giving her reasons to spank me (and she actively looks for them now). Maybe one per year where she is really cross at me (as opposed to a punishment given for failing to meet a standard).
• Given whatever your or her behavioral and relationship goals for you may be, is the frequency of your spankings too little? Too much? Just right?
-I am pretty happy with our frequency of spankings, however I would prefer her to do more spanking “on the spot” at the time that she confronts me with the offence rather than banking the offence to be spanked at a time that suits her. Interestingly, we were on holiday in the sun for three weeks recently, and spanking was something that was never far from her mind… I was spanked to varying degrees a number of times and very regularly threatened with one.
• How does frequency relate to severity and duration? If you are getting spanked frequently, does that mean individual spankings are short and less severe than a very serious spanking delivered every once in a while?
-As above, this tends to be the case. Failing to meet a standard is normally not incredibly hard. The hard ones come along occasionally and surprise me.
• How closely is spanking frequency tied to misbehavior frequency and/or the seriousness of your misbehavior? If you seem to be going outside the boundaries more often, does she ramp of the frequency for a while and then return to some lesser baseline?
-My wife has only relatively recently “taken control” in determining what I am spanked for, but since then the spankings are far more frequent. She seems to have adopted a zero tolerance approach… all offences have the effect of making my bottom sorer than it would have been if the offence had not occurred, whether they are punished individually at the time or in an aggregate at a later time that suits her.
• We’ve talked from time to time about the impediments to frequency and consistency, like having kids around, visitors, and other distractions. But, what about the positive question: if you have gotten to a frequency/consistency level that works for you both, were there particular changes or developments that got you there.
-The big change for us seems to have been me being honest to her about what I believe to be the origin of my need or kink. She seems to have accepted it as part of my make up and is now very active in determining what I am punished for and how and when. “Making the rules!” It now seems to be something that she understands and is accordingly open to.
• Does your wife find frequency and consistency to be a burden, or is it mentally/emotionally freeing to impose a rule and stick to it?
-Before she understood it, I think that it was a real burden that she did not seem to know how to approach. It made things uncomfortable between us. She now has the experience to know that no matter what my bottom looks like after the spanking, it will be ok in a few days. She knows that I want the DD dynamic. I think that these have freed her to own her authority and to exercise it. I think that she is enjoying it.
I suspect that there is a "cross" spanking in my near future... twice in the last seven days I've been to the pub and got home in no real state to be sociable with her. I detected a coldness last night...
• Other thoughts about frequency?
-only that frequent begets frequent…
Thanks, Mark. Lost of good stuff in here.
ReplyDelete"I am pretty happy with our frequency of spankings, however I would prefer her to do more spanking “on the spot” at the time that she confronts me with the offence rather than banking the offence to be spanked at a time that suits her." Sometimes I feel this way too, though I wonder who it would benefit more, her or me. It definitely would be good for her. I don't know whether it would be as effective for me, as I sometimes need time to process things before I'm really feeling the need for accountability. An "on the spot" spanking would likely often be for attitude, and often in the moment I'm pretty confident that I'm right and my attitude is just fine.
'My wife has only relatively recently “taken control” in determining what I am spanked for, but since then the spankings are far more frequent. She seems to have adopted a zero tolerance approach." I feel like I should congratulate you, as I've said sometimes I wish my wife would try this approach. Yet, when I hear the reality of the increase in frequency, it makes me sure it's one of those "Be careful what you ask for, you might get it . . ." things.
"The big change for us seems to have been me being honest to her about what I believe to be the origin of my need or kink. She seems to have accepted it as part of my make up and is now very active in determining what I am punished for and how and when." Is that something you're OK sharing more about? My wife had a somewhat similar epiphany, though it wasn't specific to anything I told her. Instead, she said she was sometimes reluctant to really commit, because she didn't understand why *any* husband would want this and, therefore, in the back of her mind she always thought I would take the authority back at some point. Then, she read a book called The Hesitant Mistress, and something about it gave her more insight into how some men are wired. She wasn't more specific than that, but it definitely was one step in her process of embracing her authority.
"She now has the experience to know that no matter what my bottom looks like after the spanking, it will be ok in a few days. She knows that I want the DD dynamic. I think that these have freed her to own her authority and to exercise it. I think that she is enjoying it." That's all great!
"frequent begets frequent" - I'm sure that's the truth!
Spanking “on the spot” ..."I don't know whether it would be as effective for me, as I sometimes need time to process things before I'm really feeling the need for accountability." The thing that I like about "on the spot" spankings Dan, is that they rock my world. I don't expect the spanking and I am suddenly in a really uncomfortable situation. She is in control and suddenly I am not. Very confronting but also very like school (see below).
Delete"Be careful what you ask for, you might get it . . .". Yes, but maybe I'm lucky, she is aware of the state of my bottom and, I think, turns a blind eye if I've been beaten too recently. Conversely, if it's been a while I find she tends to be very observant and collects up offences that she can deal with at her next convenience. Of course if I've been punished hard, I go to extremes to avoid more punishment on a sore bottom but (like others) I get more careless after a while.
I think that the origin of my need or kink was my experiences at a all boys boarding school at age 12 - 14. People were being caned all around me often for the most minor offences. I found it terrifying and I tried very very hard to avoid being bullied by seniors or caned by the masters. I was caned a few times which was traumatic, often severe ridges afterwards and bruising and residual pain for a few days. I think that my need to have rules, to comply with rules, and to be punished for transgressions came from this time. My fear of the cane and my few canings also led to bullying from peers for being a good (rule following) boy. I have discussed this with my wife, and in particular was open about an school incident that I don't want to share... I think that she agrees that it probably originated from this and it is now a trust situation that we share that has brought us closer together. Ironically, I am now caned more times per year every year than I was in five years at school!
The other thing that I appreciate about how my wife has taken to DD, is that she has not used it to off-load all her chores on me. I am the main breadwinner and work hard in a very stressful job. She does the majority of the cooking and laundry, but there are a good number of tasks that I must keep in mind, remember to do, and perform perfectly or expect to be punished. Things like emptying dishwasher, doing dishes, cleaning the coffee machine, not leaving apple stalks or dirty cups around, opening curtains in the morning, starting the robot vac, taking her coffee in bed, not crunching ice, "using my words", use of particular offensive words (not all swearing, just the words that she dislikes), tearing carrot bags open, oral sex etc. Nothing too onerous or time consuming but need to be kept front of mind.
As a future topic maybe we could talk about how well trained we are... as you can see from the list above there are an awful lot of things about me that obviously annoyed my wife (the list above is not comprehensive) that she has largely trained me to not do. She kids that she doesn't want a new husband because she would have to start the training from scratch, and who knows, he may be untrainable.
"The thing that I like about "on the spot" spankings Dan, is that they rock my world. I don't expect the spanking and I am suddenly in a really uncomfortable situation. She is in control and suddenly I am not. Very confronting but also very like school (see below)."
DeleteI can definitely understand that reaction. Anne has reacted that unexpectedly only a couple of times, and the fact that I remember them from amongst the dozens of other spankings says something,
That kind of school environment sounds awful. I went to normal schools, but they were also pretty dangerous environments in their own way, including a lot of violence. Most of it was because of different racial/cultural divisions, but some of it was the kind of older-on-younger bullying that you describe. Combined with growing up with a father who had an explosive temper, I'd say I probably was conditioned from an early age to be very sensitive to power dynamics and hierarchies. I've never really thought about how that larger environment may have played into my DD tendencies since, unlike yours, it did not expressly revolve around corporal punishment. But, it may be something to ponder.
I can try to work up a topic a long those lines. For me, the short answer would be "not very." Though, that may be because she hasn't focused much on "smaller" things like some of the habits you describe.
Regarding school, I was lucky in that by 14 I'd grown significantly and been selected for a top sports team. These two things meant that I was left alone by other pupils, but I was still in the environment and subject to the masters' discipline.
ReplyDeleteApologies for my presumption in respect to topic. I enjoy the topics that you come up with and cannot imagine how you flesh them out to give us such a great foundation for discussion. Please don't work at one that I've commented that doesn't fire your imagination.
I was very interested in your categorisation of "smaller". It is accurate but I hadn't considered them in that way. The big one for me is that I am punished very severely if I smoke. This one is on my request to help keep me off cigarettes, a prophylactic for me if you will and not a particular issue for my wife. The list above is stuff that I do that annoys her - some that she would consider more serious than others. I was trained to never leave the toilet seat up long before we started DD. I wouldn't risk that now!
This has been pointed out before but bears pointing out again: when a DD turns more to enforcement of things that are important to her, it has reached a new level -and I might go so far as to say the proportion of behaviors important to her that are disciplinary is a measure of how serious the DD really is. I say that as someone who started out with most of the offenses on our list really being “my things”. Over the years, that has changed, and for us, it has been a good change.
DeleteAlan
Definitely no "presumption" in suggesting topics. Half the time, I'm sitting around on a Saturday or Sunday wondering, "What the hell am I going to write about today??" and I end up plumbing the depths of the previous week's comments for inspiration. So, suggest away.
Delete"I might go so far as to say the proportion of behaviors important to her that are disciplinary is a measure of how serious the DD really is. I say that as someone who started out with most of the offenses on our list really being “my things”.
DeleteTotally agree.
We really only have one thing on the list that is my thing - smoking. I want her to punish me if I smoke, and she does. We have another thing though, if she smokes she has to cane me (because she does not receive discipline). This has only happened once and is definitely followed by sexual activity. I pushed her boundaries in turn as "only fair". We'll see what happens on this front in the future...
DeleteI quit smoking on my own shortly after I met Anne and long before we had discovered DD. But, that was only after several failed attempts. I wonder whether those earlier attempts would have been more successful if backed up by a hard paddling every time I failed.
DeleteMy wife has reserved spankings for more serious transgressions and they have never been all that frequent. They were more common in the first couple of years after we were engaged, but even then we averaged less than one per month. That number declined and then leveled off to around three or four per year. I have no complaints about that, and think she is quite fair with me.
ReplyDeleteWe don't have kids, so there's no need to work around them. But occasionally my punishment is delayed because we are having company at the house. In those instances it seemed like our guests had just left the driveway when the hairbrush comes out.
Since we don't use spanking too often, my wife makes certain that the ones I get are memorable. But I know there are some behaviors that really annoy her and I can tell that she spanks a little harder for those.
All of my "real spankings" are an event, but as I mentioned in the previous post", she does occasionally administer an abbreviated version with a spatula. It's still on my bare bottom, but with a lighter instrument and with far fewer smacks. It's intended to send me a message and requires much less time and effort from my wife. I suppose that in some ways, it's akin to a maintenance spanking. But we both feel that discipline needs to be for a reason, and it meets that criteria.
All in all, I think my wife uses remarkably good judgement on when and how hard to spank. She seems to know instinctively what I need from her.
Kevin
Ours have never declined to as low as three or four a year, but there have been periods where it probably did not average even once per month. The two years before I retired were probably our lowest point, because we were both so busy and distracted. There were also substantial periods during the pandemic when one of your young-adult kids returned to the nest.
DeleteI share your feeling that, for me, discipline needs to be for a reason that is related to actual bad conduct.
Kevin,
DeleteI like the way you put how remarkable your wife is and how she meets your needs. My wife seems to know exactly what I need at certain times. I had a stressful week and long hours at work and I admit rather moody. My job is high stress, but that’s no excuse to become short with my wife. This is where she needs to step up discipline. We probably had about 20 to 24 spankings last year, but would go months without one. There would be a week with two and then a few weeks without. I talked to her about more consistency and raining in my parade. Like you, at times she would grab the spoon while I am washing dishes and pull my pants and underwear down and deliver 50 quick whacks with the spoon. I include these quick spankings in the 20 to 24. She would then leave the room and make a comment about keeping me in line. We have a house guest this weekend. I was informed due
to my mood, Monday I will be thrashed. I wish her consistency was 100%. Like I’ve said to Dan, I wish I had the nerve when wrong to ask to a severe thrashing.
T
T., I'm the same where "asking for it" is concerned. I know it would be beneficial, yet somehow I just can't get myself to do it.
Delete"Like you, at times she would grab the spoon while I am washing dishes and pull my pants and underwear down and deliver 50 quick whacks with the spoon."
DeleteVery familiar,T. Not that many smacks for me, but I've washed many dishes with a slightly red behind. Failure to do my share of cleanup is exactly the kind of think that earns me swats with the spatula. If it happens repeatedly, I get a real spanking.
Maybe it's because the kitchen is Beth's domain, but she seems to like the dynamic of administering discipline there.
Kevin
ReplyDelete* Not often enough, it’s pretty rare. In most respects I really don’t deserve punishment, most of the things we dealt with early on in our DD journey simply don’t happen any more. The one area I really want to break is mood. On occasion I get into a bad or snappy mood without any real justification and I wish I could get her to deal with this quickly and firmly. I suspect I’d be getting a real punishment every two or three months in that case - although I suspect the behavior modification encouragement would work and the frequency would reduce.
* Too little
* I don’t think there’s really any relationship between frequency, severity and duration. Each spanking is a separate event unrelated to others.
* See my answer to the first question above.
* We’re now empty nesters which has made things much easier from this point of view. We’re also in something of a rural setting so have no neighbor houses in sight or hearing range and we’re set far enough back from the street that no-one passing would be able to see or hear anything. So environmentally there are really no restrictions on us at all.
* That’s a really astute question. Sometimes definitely yes, she sees it as a chore and just one more thing on her list that she has to deal with.
* Other thoughts about frequency? Yes, I understand this need even less than I understand the need for discipline, but in common with some others here, I feel a need for regular maintenance. Ideally I would hope for this at least weekly and over the long term that has generally not been achieved. I think frequency might be improving a bit at the moment and hope it continues to do so. A maintenance spanking is less severe but is still “real.” TG
"The one area I really want to break is mood. On occasion I get into a bad or snappy mood without any real justification and I wish I could get her to deal with this quickly and firmly."
DeleteI would be interested to hear whether DD can help with something like moods, which often seem beyond our volitional control.
Speaking for myself, yes. But I’ll save a longer comment for if and when you make this a topic in its own right. TG
DeleteYes definitely if the mood does not reflect deeper depression which of course calls for professional medical care. But if its transient-like , and if a wife is skillful in handling it, a spanking or even a credible threat of a spanking can make moodiness vanish --poof, gone
DeleteAlan
Over the years my wife and I have had a FLR, the frequency of spanking has varied a lot. How quick my wife is to spank depends on her mood. If my behaviour or attitude rubs her the wrong way when she is in a certain mood, she will spank me. Other times, she might let it slide. I sometimes wish she was more consistent, but I guess she spanks more for her purposes than for mine. She frequently threatens to spank me if I don’t change my behaviour or attitude, but she doesn’t usually have to follow through because I tend to be responsive to warnings.
ReplyDeleteDan, this is off topic, but maybe it would be interesting to consider for a future topic. In the last few days people in my family got into a big discussion about personality tests, and we have been comparing results on both the Myers Briggs and Big Five tests (free of charge online versions). My wife and I both did the Big Five personality test this morning and compared results. It struck me that any third party who didn’t know us but saw those results would predict that my wife would wear the pants in our marriage. That got me to wondering whether men and women in successful FLR’s or female dominant DD tend to have certain predictive personality traits. An interesting experiment might be for the guys who are active here to do the Big Five test and get their partners to do it, then compare the results to see if any patterns emerge. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a not a very useful exercise, but the idea aroused my curiosity.
GH
GH,
DeleteI am playing the skunk at the picnic here, but the Myers Briggs and similar tests like the Big Five have all been challenged for both their validity (power to measure accurately} and their {reliability} capacity to give the same results test after test. This is not a universal judgment, but the tests are controversial.
Saying all that, I would add that they are fun, often generate some provocative conversation, and get people thinking. So, we would participate in such a project if Dan pursues it as a topic. But it’s good to remember that the results come with many limitations.
Alan
Yes, I have heard that, Alan. I understand the Big Five is considered to be more “scientific” than the Myers Briggs, but I realize that both are pretty soft science. Nevertheless, I recognized both myself and my wife in the results we got. Of course, it is possible that an interest in spanking is entirely independent of other personality traits, so the experiment might not yield any significant patterns. I just proposed the topic in a spirit of curiosity and fun. GH
DeleteI don't know about a full topic on it, since I suspect participation wouldn't be high, but I'd be happy to make a side-topic for those who might be interested in trying it.
DeleteI can (sort of) testify to Alan's point about reliability. I've taken the Myers Briggs multiple times. Interestingly (to me), my personality type results changed after grad school. Though, that may not represent a problem with the test per se, as I think some who know me would say that my personality really *did* change substantially during the period between those tests.
I think one reason the test might not be entirely reliable is that people may answer the questions differently in different circumstances. For example, if an employer had asked me to do the test, I would probably have answered some questions differently because I could see that some of my answers might cast me in an unfavourable light. Also, someone who answers more confidently and boldly, agreeing or disagreeing with statements outright rather than hedging, would get more extreme results, which may or may not be warranted. Dan, to your point, I don’t think it is out of the question that your type changed as you grew and developed. I think the idea that we have fixed personality types that are stable throughout life is a bone of theoretical contention, I believe. Nevertheless, I find these tests an interesting exercise.
DeleteGH
GH said: “Nevertheless, I find these tests an interesting exercise.”
DeleteI agree with you that they are indeed interesting. But, the reliability of some of them (particularly Myers Brigs) has been questioned in scientifically monitored circumstances known as test-retest exercises in which, for example, a subject might take the test twice a month for three months before comparing results which are often inconsistent. Another reason their reliability can be questioned is that the personalities of younger cohorts tend to be dynamic, sometimes through the early 30s as San's anecdote exemplifies.
My personal objection to them, however, is their basic validity. I don’t think they measure what they purport to measure, at least not fully, and they give people false images of themselves they might carry through life.
Many times, I have run into someone who will say, “I am an ISTD” or an “EVFG” (categories of the Myers-Brigs), and it turns out they took the test 20 or 30 years ago and continues to think of themselves in those terms often in my opinion erecting psychic fences around personality growth.
I think I may be an old crank on this one, but as I said earlier, they are fun to play with, keeping in mind their limits.
Alan
Those are fair points, Alan. I don’t know the research literature well enough to judge the validity of the tests. It might be best for Dan to ignore my suggestion, given that lots of people might view it as a waste of time.
DeleteGH
I find them interesting. Some are more predictive than others. It can depend on how they are administered.
DeleteWhile I haven't seen a study, I think Big Five could be predictive of curiosity about spanking and willingness to try spanking at a partner's request, based on other studies of sexual exploration and personality.
GH wrote: “It might be best for Dan to ignore my suggestion, given that lots of people might view it as a waste of time.”
ReplyDeleteOf course, that is up to Dan, but I don’t think it would be a waste of time -especially if folks participated. I think the tests can detect patterns at the moment and suggest types. They just don’t give you a nice neat package describing who you are and will be forever.
Alan