Hello all. Welcome back to The Disciplinary Couple’s Club. Our (more or less) weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline relationship. I hope you all had a great week.
Mine has been kind of up and down. On the upside, after taking off more than a month thanks to the vacation from hell and then an extended bout of Covid, I finally got back into the gym for the first time in over a month. Though painful, it was good for me. Kind of like the spanking Anne gave me last week. I’ll use that spanking as the launch pad for this week’s discussion, while also following up on a few reader comments.
In response to the topic of what usually brings spankings to an end, some of you talked about the paradoxical feelings we sometimes get when a spanking we know we deserve ends “too soon.” I suspect it is a feeling many of disciplined husbands can relate to, even if it seems counter-intuitive. While we are in the middle of the spanking, we really truly want it to end. But, if it ends “too soon,” we may experience disappointment. While it may seem illogical to some, I totally get it. For me, so much of my desire around domestic discipline is tied up with a need to feel like I am being held accountable and that consequences are being imposed. Even if I really want her to stop when she’s in the middle of whacking away at my upturned bottom, there is some disappointment there if I feel like the punishment wasn’t quite long enough to really clean the slate, and for me cleaning the slate requires a spanking that I am really, really challenged to take. If she stops too soon, part of me is happy but another part likely will be disappointed.
I have a similar rollercoaster of conflicting emotions when it comes to avoiding a spanking entirely. I am man enough to admit that the prospect of being spanked leads me to some very childish behavior in one respect; like any kid who knows he or she is in for a spanking, I almost always try to avoid getting the consequences that my behavior earned. Even though I was the one who asked for this kind of relationship, as soon as I know I am likely to get a spanking, I start hoping that something will happen to interfere with her plans. Sometimes, I will try to get her to put it off for a day or two. Sometimes I even have a legitimate reason for putting it off, but part of me is also hoping that justice delayed will end up being justice denied entirely.
Last week, I once again experienced that cycle of wanting imposed consequences then quickly not wanting them. On Sunday, I self-reported (as I resolved to start doing regularly), regarding some behavior and attitude issues. She was well aware of the issues, particularly the attitude problem, but I had committed to self-reporting and I really am trying to make it a habit. We weren’t together that evening and, therefore, she didn’t have the opportunity to take care of it that day. Then, I ended up with some back pain that was real, but I did use it as an excuse to ask her to give me a reprieve for a day or two. Three days came and went, and I started to think that I might have once again managed to avoid one entirely. But, as soon as I had that realization, I felt some disappointment. I knew that I deserved a spanking, and the part of me that needs to be held accountable needed one.
Then, at dinner that night, she asked me told me to enjoy the time sitting down, because I wouldn’t be able to sit comfortably later that evening. It took me by surprise, but I didn’t even try to put it off any longer. Not that my feelings were unmixed or consistent. On the one hand, I instantly no longer felt that nagging sense of unexpiated guilt and accompanying disappointment that I had felt when I thought I might have delayed my way out of a trip over her knee. On the other hand, I was not looking forward to getting spanked, even though I knew I deserved it.
It did happen, and on a little faster schedule than I anticipated. Although the scheduling varies, most of our spankings seem to happen around 9:00 or 9:30. I had been hanging out in my home office watching television. I wandered into our bedroom, where Anne generally works at night, at around 8:30, thinking it probably would be at least 30 minutes before she would let me know it was time. Instead, as soon as I walked into the bedroom she asked if I was ready for my spanking. As has been the case in our three or four most recent sessions, it was OTK with the bath brush and hairbrush.
She went for a few minutes and the bath brush was as hard to take as usual. But, she stopped to inspect my butt and was plainly disappointed that parts of my bottom were starting to show what had to be very minor “spotting” of blood. It was minor enough that I couldn’t find any evidence of it a few minutes later. She was plainly disappointed that she couldn’t go longer, to the point that she told me I would be getting a second round the next day. She said that she had not realized how angry she was about my recent attitude issues until she started spanking me. It was clear that for her, the spanking she had just delivered was not enough to clean the slate. I told her that it might need to wait a day, as I had (a legitimate) scheduling conflict the next day. And, of course, you know what happened. The second part never happened.
So, my spanking experience last week dovetailed very closely with a couple of comments by ZM and Glenmore. ZM noted:
One of the best things about spanking is how it clears the slate, both for the spanker and the spankee. If she is spanking me out of feelings of hurt or anger, she should continue at least until those feelings been fully vented, at which point she will probably transition from feeling angry at me to feeling sorry for me. At the same time, if I reach the point of surrender, it will provide an emotional catharsis and purging of feelings of guilt for me as well. So, the spanking should end with a clean slate.
While the spanking she delivered actually did leave me pretty sore for at least three days and had purged most of my guilt, it plainly had not been sufficient to clean the slate from Anne’s perspective.
Glenmore raised another angle, asking: “I wonder if the length of the spanking is related to just how much is she enjoying it? The sense of power must be intoxicating for her and I notice her tone is not one of anger but almost amusement sometimes.” I have experienced that, too. Anne plainly does enjoy her role as disciplinarian, though she seems to get off more on the pre-spanking activities than on the spanking itself. She is very open about the fact that she likes it when I show signs of nervousness about either getting spanked or about her starting to exercise more authority. We talk pretty often about her becoming much more strict with me (though our follow-through has been pretty spotty so far) and exercising much more authority, going down more of an FLR path. When we have those talks, it turns me on but it also does make me feel more than a little nervous. It shows, and she plainly likes that it does.
She has also said that she enjoys telling me to get ready for a spanking or to get into position, and then watching me comply. Over the last year, she’s also taken to being more vocal during the spanking itself, repeating her displeasure with my actions and asking rhetorical questions about whether she is getting through to me. So, I do think she does enjoy delivering the spanking and that it is, as Glenmore suggested, all about the sense of power.
I don’t have a formal topic associated with any of the above but welcome any thoughts you may have.
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI think I have figured many of the apparent paradoxes that are part of DD but the one that manifests in that brief moment when one goes from “she might spank me ,WOW===-to the moment where its OMG it is happening and I really don’t want it —is one paradox I haven’t figured. The lapse of time those two things occur can be measured in seconds (hence the sometimes momentary eruption)
But that is also the magic of disciplinary spanking: it triggers a spectacular anticipatory endorphin rush but can subsequently motivate serious effort to change or modify the behavior that provoked the spanking
People with fetishes are notorious for feeling superior about their particular fetish, Well I don’t feel superior. But as I age I am grateful for the erotic charge that spanking brings. It is extending and enriching my sexual lifespan and it’s hard not to appreciate that
I also want to note your report of Anne’s pleasure at disciplining you “She has also said that she enjoys telling me to get ready for a spanking or to get into position, and then watching me comply.“
I have experienced that also and for me it actually makes the whole experience more erotic. – But here is that eternal paradox again – it is also more likely to make the spanking harder, logger or more severe.
May it always be so!
Alan
Hi Alan,
DeleteThese paradoxes are quite interesting, not just in the seemingly conflicting feelings, but also in the speed at which feelings can change. I relate to all three of the paradoxes - both of those mentioned by Dan and also the one you said where it goes from possible to happening.
My wife also likes to spank me, particularly if it is for discipline and doesn't have the depth of emotion associated with actual punishment. She has also said that she kind of likes the ordering me into our room and so on. And yes, it does make the whole experience much more erotic, since for me it is pretty much ALL about the exercise of authority, and when that authority is demonstrated so openly and clearly, it is definitely a turn-on, even if I don't really want the spanking at that time.
-ZM
And, it's not just the speed of going from desire to dread. It's the speed of going from desire to dread to disappointment, and perhaps doing so for multiple cycles!
DeleteI would imagine that many (most?) spanked husbands experience the paradoxes of both craving and dreading a spanking, both wanting it to end and then disappointed that it did. It's always been somewhat of a enigma to me (but then I haven't spent too much time and effort trying to solve the underlying psychological dynamics - as I would just prefer to appreciate the experience).
DeleteOh, and my wife likes to spank, too - truly enjoys it, and has from the start.
--al
I know this paradox well, and how it has three lives as I anticipate it, experience it live, and think about it later. It's neat that we can get it from a regular person in our lives instead of having to resort to skydiving or being branded or something other inaccessible or dangerous activity!
DeleteMW, very true. I wonder how many skydivers would think DD to be "weird" or "extreme," while to me skydiving seems the epitome of really dumb things to do to get a thrill.
DeleteSkydiving does seem like a really dumb way to get a thrill, since equipment malfunctions tend to end badly. Also being branded has never made it onto my to-do list, in no small part because I am actually quite averse to pain.
DeleteThat's why I prefer safer things like motocross (and DD) to get my excitement!
-ZM
Note to self: an erection before being spanked hardly ever becomes an "eruption" as I seemed to say above. Maybe here is something to this "Freudian" thing after all
ReplyDeleteAlan
That is one line I don't think I have ever crossed. I used to always get very erect before a spanking, but never did it result in an eruption.
DeleteAnd, these days, even the erection is not a sure thing.
Interestingly, even though there is clearly a psycho-sexual dynamic involved, I've very rarely (even when much younger) become erect prior to a spanking. And, although I've never erupted either, there has been some pre-seminal fluid leakage on occasion. --al
DeleteThat is interesting. I used to get them every time, but now it is hit or miss. Though, I'm not sure the change is age related as much as just much more experience with it at this time
DeleteRegarding a spanking being aborted for minor marking , it brings up another subject for discussion . Does an effective spanking have to be on the bare ?For very serious offences, such as the one you refer to Dan , where she really wants the spanking to be long and hard, she may wish to start spanking on underwear .
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that a thin piece of fabric offers no protection from the sting of the hairbrush and she will not be distracted by the condition of your bare skin and may even protect it s bit from showing any damage.
Often when I go over my wife's lap I keep my underwear on..
She finds it kind of cute and enjoys the sound when the brush connects with tight undies as it seems louder and crisper.
she does eventually take them down of course, and quite enjoys the 'unveiling' process .
You can certainly feel the intensity level go up once she starts on the bare which makes the spanking very effective.
By combining the can spank as hard as the can and still make it a lengthy spanking that will leave You with a rear you will be reluctant to sit on after.
I enjoyed Anne's comment telling you to enjoy sitting while you can and I'm sure she takes great satisfaction that you are not enjoying sitting at your next meal!
Hi Glen,
Delete"Does an effective spanking have to be on the bare?" - For me, the answer is of course not. My wife sometimes has me leave my underwear on for at least part of the spanking. As you said, it provides little protection, though I would say it definitely decreases the surface sting slightly, but in no way affects the force of impact overall.
For more serious punishments, the problem I see with having underwear on - though this would apply less near the beginning of the spanking - is that if she cannot see just what damage she is doing, it makes the spanking a little less safe, since she cannot see if she is doing unintended damage.
One thing that we have tried - a grand total of once - is she made me wear some lycra tights when she spanked me. For me, it was a pretty surprising experience. First off, it seemed to hurt even more than completely bare. I think this is because they compress the flesh, which effectively increases the transmission of force from the impact. Secondly, they trapped in heat during the spanking, so my bottom really felt on fire. And finally, we were surprised when we noticed that after the spanking, there was less marking and bruising than normal, which I assume is because of the combination of protecting against surface abrasion (so no blood spots) and the bottom being compressed (so less visible bruising). And then, I found that the effects of the spanking could be felt for longer than usual.
Of course, this was from a sample size of 1, but certainly interesting. I would say that if my wife wanted to give a very hard, very long, and very effective punishment spanking, it would be worth trying again to see if our observations from the first time were accurate.
-ZM
You do have a point Z that it does prevent her from seeing the damage but my wife will pause occasionally and peel down the underwear for a look. I don't think she does it necessarily to inspect the damage but more to inspect her handiwork as to how red my butt is.
DeleteShe will usually make a remark like , 'that's nice and red....but it needs to be redder".
Sometimes she will pull the underwear back up , or keep me bare before continuing.
Good point about trapping in the heat as I find this when she spanks with my underwear on and when I get dressed afterwards.
For us, spanking only on the bare bottom is an integral part of the spanking process. I think we both understand that it enhances the my sense of vulnerability, humility, and the overall psychological impact of the spanking. --al
Delete"For more serious punishments, the problem I see with having underwear on - though this would apply less near the beginning of the spanking - is that if she cannot see just what damage she is doing, it makes the spanking a little less safe, since she cannot see if she is doing unintended damage." This has always been my position. I see "on the bare" being a safety thing, not an effectiveness thing. It may not be as big a deal with an experienced disciplinary couple, where she has had frequent opportunities to see how his skin reacts to various tools used for various durations, but I think it is pretty important early on at least.
DeleteI also don't know whether a layer of clothing--underwear or even something thicker like a pair of jeans--detracts at all from the effectiveness. I've seen what seemed to be some pretty effective spankings over jeans in spanking videos, including displays of what seemed to be legitimately bruised bottoms post-spanking. School spankings also were typically given over pants and commonly resulted in bruising. So, I really don't know whether there is a real connection between "on the bare" and increased pain or decreased marking. Though, it could be that there is no less bruising but maybe less potential for abrading the skin and spotting?
"I think we both understand that it enhances the my sense of vulnerability, humility, and the overall psychological impact of the spanking." - I fully agree. I am always surprised at just how much psychological impact it has to strip away something that provides so little protection. And in the end, the effect and feeling of a spanking is much more rooted in the psychological impact it causes than in the actual physical impact of a spanking implement against our bottom.
DeleteObviously the protection provided by underwear, jeans, or anything else depends heavily on just how thick the material is, and with what is being used to spank you. From my experience, I would say that with any sort of flat spanking instrument like hairbrush or paddle, even the very thinnest of clothing items causes a noticeable reduction in surface sting but makes little or no difference in soreness or bruising (as evidenced on spanking videos where the women are wearing jeans). A thin layer of fabric does little to absorb the significant impact of a heavy paddle landing.
The one exception to this that I have seen was the women's lycra tights that I mentioned before; they compressed my bottom quite a bit, and having the flesh pre-compressed seemed to simultaneously increase the impact energy (the thud), build up a tremendous amount of heat (the burn), increase the soreness, and yet reduce the visible bruising. I think that has little to do with the thin layer of material and is mostly about having a paddle strike your compressed bottom, causing an effect similar to being in diaper position, which stretches your bottom taught.
Also, I think the reduced surface sting effect applies more to flat spanking objects, since they have more of a slapping effect. I have read somewhere that part of the reason that schools in England preferred the cane is because clothing had almost no effect on the sting caused by the cane.
As for the possibility of less abrading the skin and spotting, I simply don't have enough experience to say one way or the other. Perhaps someone in our group can volunteer to get spanked many, many times with different implements and in various states of undress and can give us a conclusive answer!
-ZM
The psycho-dynamics of spanking are so much more important than the physical. I don’t need to be naked and in fact the majority of my spankings have probably been with most of my clothes on. My former GF actually liked to leave my pants and underpants dangling around my ankles as she led me into the bedroom. My wife is more likely to want pants and underpants off entirely but fully clothed above the waist. But if she didn’t take down pants and underpants or tell me to, it wouldn’t feel like discipline. For me there is something almost mystical when they come down. It’s almost an altered reality and shifts me into an attitude of obedience and submission I feel no other way. Nothing makes it more clear who really wears the pants in a relationship and who gets them taken down then that simple but powerful act of baring the male bum for a spanking.
DeleteAlan
Hi Alan,
Delete"The psycho-dynamics of spanking are so much more important than the physical." - Completely true. Unfortunately, I think I have a lot to learn about the "psycho-dynamics" of spanking, while the physical part is pretty tangible, so it is easy to focus on the part we do understand, when much of the impact is driven by the part that often gets less focus.
"It’s almost an altered reality and shifts me into an attitude of obedience and submission" - My wife doesn't usually take down my pants, but she has before, and I agree with you about how it feels. Your comment made me think about the bigger picture too, and how I become more and more submissive and compliant during the whole punishment process. It is really quite interesting.
-ZM
ZM,
DeleteThat is one of the major insights I have taken away from the dialogs on this blog. Experiencing a real punishment spanking and knowing it can happen again is absolutely necessary to make the DD dynamic work. But female led DD is not mainly about spanking, but about the exercise of female authority and the feelings that produces. Spanking is what makes it real and takes it from fantasy to a vivid lived reality. Spanking is also (for some of us) necessary to enforce and maintain female authority. But for me it is that exercise of female authority that moves the mountain. Spanking is in more of a supporting role than the starring role.
Alan
Alan and ZM, I agree. I think of spanking being a means toward multiple ends. One of those ends is better behavior from me. Other is empowering my wife to develop and grow and become a more assertive, confident person. The latter end is also a tool itself, because the exercise of female authority seems to be something both of us get off on.
DeleteDan wrote: “the exercise of female authority seems to be something both of us get off on.”
DeleteThe frequency that couples in a mature female led DD discover this about females exercising authority makes me wonder the extent to which our culture has socialized many women to repress their inherent drive for power and control –just as it has socialized many males to repress their drive for submission and discipline. Female led Dd can offer a woman the chance to discover those culturally repressed human drives.
While patriarchy has been the rule in Homo sapiens cultures in historical times, authority and power is often more equally shared in other species, and for all we know was shared more equally in Homo sapiens in prehistoric eras. In fact, the female is dominant in some other species sharing many of our genes.
I am not postulating a future matriarchy but as we move further into the future – from brawn to brains –and into the post industrial era, it seems to me very likely that women will discover they very much like exercising more authority in the board room and in the bedroom
Alan
"...makes me wonder the extent to which our culture has socialized many women to repress their inherent drive for power and control –just as it has socialized many males to repress their drive for submission and discipline." - I think this social shaping is almost complete, and the effects should not be underestimated. It would be fascinating to see how things would develop if this were not the case in some society.
Delete"Female led Dd can offer a woman the chance to discover those culturally repressed human drives." Absolutely true. I think that is one of the draws to DD for my wife.
As far as the distribution in authority and power being shared more equally in some other species, I knew it but never really thought about it, so it was an interesting insight. And who knows how it was in prehistoric times, though my expectation is that likely men had more power even (or especially) then, unless somehow women also possessed superior physical strength.
"I am not postulating a future matriarchy but as we move further into the future – from brawn to brains –and into the post industrial era, it seems to me very likely that women will discover they very much like exercising more authority in the board room and in the bedroom." - Excellent insight. I think we are already starting to see this happen, and not only in the USA but really on a global scale. Women are ascending to higher positions of power and authority in all spheres of life, including business and politics. And as this happens, they are rightly questioning why men have always had all the power. I expect this will continue at least as long as we can move forward without major wars. In a "Mad Max" type scenario, I think men's superior physical strength would come in pretty handy, but as long as we move forward to more civilization and a knowledge-based economy, I expect women to gain more and more power and authority. And as that happens in society, I see no reason it won't spill over into the bedroom, or perhaps even manifest first there.
-ZM
"In a "Mad Max" type scenario, I think men's superior physical strength would come in pretty handy, but as long as we move forward to more civilization and a knowledge-based economy, I expect women to gain more and more power and authority." Interestingly, in the latest Mad Max movie, there is a fantastic scene in which Tom Hardy's Max misses a couple of critical rifle shots when firing at enemy pursuers. He ends up voluntarily handing the gun over to Charlize Theron's character, and she makes the shot.
DeleteAlan: "It seems to me very likely that women will discover they very much like exercising more authority in the board room and in the bedroom." I don't doubt things are moving in that direction. There is a younger female Domme I met through this blog who has told me that she thinks several of her friends clearly "wear the pants" vis-a-vis their husbands and significant others, though she's not sure whether any of them are actually doing DD or are in some kind of formalized FLR. On the other hand, when I was still in corporate America, it never ceased to amaze me how many uber-talented young women just could not bring themselves to exercise leadership authoritatively because they dreaded being labeled a "bitch."
Speaking of rollercoasters , I had a similar incident to yours this week.
ReplyDeleteA well earned and overdue spanking was scheduled for last weekend , and I was on edge all day but she finally announced that she was too tired now so it would have to wait.
We had a rare opportunity for a weekday lunch together as I had to drive her to an appointment , and unexpectedly during lunch she announced , "I haven't forgotten about that spanking you know , but it won't be today!" , leaving me on edge again.
So the spanking rollercoaster goes up another hill ......
I'm pretty sure this is power related and she enjoys toying with me.
My wife doesn't seem to do that very much with actual punishment spankings. If she postpones it, it is just more likely to not happen at all.
DeleteOn the other hand, when she is just getting in the mood to spank me for play (usually under the guise of some other made up reason) then she tends to mention it quite a bit and toy with me.
-ZM
I find the delayed spanking and up and down anticipation is a very mixed bag. It can keep me on edge, but only for a while. At some point, I stop feeling much guilt or contrition, and I also tend to get irritated with the lack of consistency and reliable boundaries.
DeleteAs I mentioned , I believe our ladies enjoy 'toying' with us. I don't believe they are that forgetful or unorganized. They know very well we are squirming and they love it.
DeleteJust like Anne lulling you into the perception that your spankings always happen at a certain time , and then she springs an announcement on you to throw you off.
Women are way smarter than us guys.
Sorry, Glen, can't totally with that first paragraph. There are lots of contributors to our long-standing consistency issues, including me trying to get out of deserved spankings. But, there also are many, many instances of bad behavior going unpunished and punishments that have been ordered never actually happening.
DeleteI tend to be with Dan on this one. When things get postponed, it is almost never because my wife wants to keep me anxious about it. Rather, things get in the way, or maybe sometimes she just doesn't feel like punishing me at the time. When things get postponed - for whatever reason - they become less and less likely to happen with each passing day.
Delete-ZM
This discussion about delayed or postponed spankings remind me about the relatively few “on the spot” spankings I have received. But I remember every one of them, even those that occurred years ago – and with few exceptions I either never repeated the behavior that caused the spanking -- or didn’t repeat it for a very long time. What I am saying is that spanking in real time is probably much more natural and more effective than delay.
DeleteThose who have studied the factors that make a correction effective tell us that it should be “certain”, “severe” and “swift”. In the real adult world we all live , these are challenging conditions to achieve. But for those who believe spankings can’t achieve real behavior modification, I say: try certain, severe and swift for a while and see if you still think spanking doesn’t work
Alan
"What I am saying is that spanking in real time is probably much more natural and more effective than delay." Alan, I'm sure that is true. I've been thinking about how we might built more "certain" and "swift" into our approach.
DeleteHi Dan,
ReplyDeleteThis last week I have been thinking about the paradoxes that you mentioned, both the one where you really want a spanking to end and then find yourself disappointed when it actually does, and also the one where you successfully avoid a spanking, and then your feeling of relief quickly turns into disappointment that it didn’t happen. I don’t claim to understand either of these, but it doesn’t keep me from trying to come up with theories, however wildly inaccurate they might be!
Since you mentioned childish behavior, it made me remember what little I can about childhood spankings to see if it would provide any insight, since the context was much different.
I am pretty sure that I never experienced any disappointment as a child by a spanking ending too soon. And yet it happens a lot of the time as an adult. What is the difference? It was not because I was spanked all that long or all that hard as a child, certainly not compared to how I am spanked as an adult. But there are some other things that could drive this difference in feelings resulting from the two situations.
Obviously, parental spankings were in no way consensual. But when my wife spanks me, it is consensual; maybe I don’t want her to spank me right now (whenever “right now” might be), but we have this relationship because I want it and at least at some level believe that I need it.
Since adult spanking happens because of a perceived need (or perhaps an imbalance of some sort), then it make senses that I would be disappointed when it doesn’t completely fulfill that need. I am not sure exactly what the need is, but I suspect that a large part of it is to fully relinquish control for a period of time, to feel the comfort of their being some boundaries in life, for consequences to follow actions, and to feel release from guilt. Consequently, if a spanking ends without their being that full loss of control (or “surrender”), if I don’t feel like I was absolutely put in my place, if I don’t feel the consequences are sufficient for whatever happened, or if somehow the slate isn’t left fully cleaned, then it leaves a sense of an unfilled need. This would never have happened as a child, because I didn’t realize my need for imposed boundaries or for actions to have consequences. Also, since I was only spanked at a relatively young age, I expect I cried pretty much every time, and probably from about the first spank. So I always experienced this loss of control, whether I wanted or needed to or not.
Also, I undeniably have a “punishment fetish.” I wouldn’t necessarily call it a spanking fetish, though it can manifest as that, but it is more general than that. Adult spankings, even when for punishment, do have at least some erotic component, so perhaps sometimes I don’t feel like the punishment lived up to the fetish. Of course, that was all different with childhood spankings, since it was only during puberty that I began to be turned on by the thought of spanking/punishment/domination.
As far as the mixed feelings from avoiding spankings, again I never experienced this as a child. If I didn’t get caught or if I somehow did talk myself out of being punished when I was caught, I was only relieved, with not even a hint of disappointment. However, now that I look back upon the things that I did that I avoided punishment for, I realize that while some of them seem pretty harmless and I almost feel proud of not getting caught, certain other things still cause guilty feelings even now. So perhaps had I been spanked for those things, it could have saved me lots of guilt over the years.
As an adult, I feel disappointment when I dodge the bullet, probably mostly for the same reasons as I do when a spanking stops too soon.
-ZM
"Consequently, if a spanking ends without their being that full loss of control (or “surrender”), if I don’t feel like I was absolutely put in my place, if I don’t feel the consequences are sufficient for whatever happened, or if somehow the slate isn’t left fully cleaned, then it leaves a sense of an unfilled need. This would never have happened as a child, because I didn’t realize my need for imposed boundaries or for actions to have consequences." I think this is certainly true for me.
DeleteThough, not realizing I had a need for imposed boundaries is not necessarily the same as not having that need back then. As I've noted here, by the time I got to high school, and honestly for quite a while before that, my parents more or less gave up on setting any real rules or boundaries. Although many of my friends with stricter parents probably envied my freedom, I honestly think I was stressed out at a very early age by the responsibility that too-early freedom brings with it. I didn't get in a lot of external trouble, but I definitely created or participated in many situations where I should have; I was just smart and energetic enough to get myself out of the difficult situations I landed in. But, in those circumstances, the consequences are all on you, and you rise and fall based on a combination of luck and pluck. I think by the time I got out of college, I was in a perpetual state of low grade stress because no one every made any real attempt to rein me in. You said you look back on certain things you did back then that deserved punishment. Same here, and I wonder whether I would even have the need I have for DD today had someone with a "firm hand" taken control back then. It wouldn't even necessarily have needed to be a parent. What if some teacher had finally gotten fed up with me and started blistering my ass with a paddle after school every day until I behaved? What if I'd gone to a board school where corporal punishment had been prevalent? It's hard to know how things would have turned out.
"I was just smart and energetic enough to get myself out of the difficult situations I landed in." - Me too. I had almost no boundaries and lots of freedom starting from a young age. I generally acted irresponsibly, which would have gotten me into lots of trouble, but I was extremely good at weaseling my way out of things.
DeleteWhile I was relieved at the time to always dodge most every bullet, I am not so sure that it was all that good for my development that I was able to get out of things so effectively. Especially since I think that every bullet successfully dodged further decreased whatever small amount of aversion to risk I started out with. I became used to always living beyond the edge, hanging by a thread over the abyss.
I too sometimes wonder just how different life might have been had someone "reined me in." And I think that need to be reined in is a huge part of what drives my desire/need for DD/FLR.
-ZM
There is very little sense of power involved when I get punished - she does it because I told her years ago that a) it was a confusing fantasy of mine and b) if she did it hard/long enough then she could use it to attenuate my behaviors, at least for a while. I have asked her if she gets any enjoyment out the physical act of punishing me; her view is that she is happy to do it as she enjoys the more attentive, docile and loving husband that she gets as a result. She sees the discipline now as - almost - one of her wifely duties. We have used DD in our relationship for about 10 years now and I have, through constant (written) feedback 'educated' her on what an effective punishment needs to be, how long, how hard, how fast. As a result I am rarely left with that peculiar disappointment when it does not 'hurt' enough or has not been long or severe enough.
ReplyDeleteWhat we are working on now is trying to be less 'staged' about the punishments, more immediate, stop what we are doing and get to it. Some of the most effective and memorable punishments have been those that have taken place close in time to the offence or to the offence that finally tipped the scales. Those sessions where she is genuinely in an emotional state of being displeased or cross with me; where there is some hint of annoyance, irritation or even mild anger. Not remembering how I upset her but feeling upset enough to take action. Those sessions 'feel' the most real; I will protest like I used to as a boy, but reluctantly do as I am told and take the punishment. I am mostly subdued and a bit sulky after one of these sessions, there will be no physical intimacy but I will be very well behaved for a while. The summary is that it feels more real. TB
"What we are working on now is trying to be less 'staged' about the punishments, more immediate, stop what we are doing and get to it. Some of the most effective and memorable punishments have been those that have taken place close in time to the offence or to the offence that finally tipped the scales. Those sessions where she is genuinely in an emotional state of being displeased or cross with me; where there is some hint of annoyance, irritation or even mild anger." That really resonates with me, both in terms of getting rid of some staging and formality, and also that the most memorable ones for me are when she is showing some genuine anger or irritation.
DeleteI haven't had a spanking for quite a long time that actually involved any anger or even much irritation or annoyance. I sort of look forward to the next time that happens, because there is no other situation that feels more real than that, so it definitely checks all the boxes in fulfilling my need for imposed discipline. On the other hand, my wife has gotten so good at spanking me that the very thought of that happening also fills me with dread.
Delete-ZM
ZM wrote: “My wife has gotten so good at spanking me that the very thought of that happening also fills me with dread.”
DeleteWe are at that point also and it is frustrating at times. But fear not, you will manage to trigger another “I am furious with you” spanking and then wish you hadn’t. In the meantime threats --which are very credible from a wife that both knows how to spank and enjoys it – are a great substitute for that “fix” we all need once in a while.
It is richly ironic that we start out working to correct our behavior and submit to feminine authority. But after we have achieved it (or nearly so) the number of times we get spanked declines and we complain about it.
As my wife sometimes puts it “you are a pain in the ass” This normally precede her transferring that pain to my ass
Alan
"But fear not, you will manage to trigger another 'I am furious with you' spanking and then wish you hadn’t." - Certainly this is true. Just because she hasn't gotten really angry with me for a long time doesn't mean that she never will again. I guess when that happens I will have something to write about for sure!
DeleteAs far as the declining frequency of spanking as behavior improves, I could actually be pretty good with that. But the problem for me is that the spankings are the most tangible way for her authority to feel unquestionably real, so while I never like to get them and prefer for them to not happen often, I also need them to happen at least occasionally to reinforce the authority structure, if that makes any sense.
-ZM
“I also need them to happen at least occasionally to reinforce the authority structure, if that makes any sense.”
DeleteStrangely enough it makes perfect sense. In fact I don’t think we should even call the approach --avoidance about being spanked a paradox anymore. Conversations on this blog reveal it to be only an apparent paradox. We really do want the authority exercised on us; we just really don’t (usually) want the spanking administered to us.
But for a certain kind of male, the one validates the other.And as a DD relationship matures the frequency of actual spanking declines as it should.
But for us there is a certain self-correcting mechanism that never lets her paddle gather too much dust. If it goes too long or she lets my behavior slip I begin to act out, in effect challenging her authority –and then she reminds me both of her authority and that I don’t want to challenge it.
Alan
ZM: "Just because she hasn't gotten really angry with me for a long time doesn't mean that she never will again." Indeed. It seems like whenever we hit a smooth patch, I manage to screw it up.
DeleteAlan: "If it goes too long or she lets my behavior slip I begin to act out, in effect challenging her authority –and then she reminds me both of her authority and that I don’t want to challenge it." I don't know that I ever "act out" per se. What I know I do though that is kind of an authority challenge is I tend to give free rein to my caustic, sarcastic side, which is if not a challenge to her authority, certainly a demonstration of a certain lack of respect.
"What I know I do though that is kind of an authority challenge is I tend to give free rein to my caustic, sarcastic side, which is if not a challenge to her authority, certainly a demonstration of a certain lack of respect"
DeleteIn our household that constitutes almost a perfect example of acting out or acting up.It's not really a conscious process but it does become inevitable if I am "overdue". MY former G.F. used to tell me I was "getting close" when my "caustic sarcastic side" surfaced. My wife is more likely to send me for her paddle
Alan
Dan you mentioned that Anne enjoys telling you to 'get ready for your spanking and watching you comply'.
ReplyDeleteJust curious what that entails and if it is something that takes some time so she can 'savour the moment's?
Does the process of getting ready vary?