"I am an old man and have experienced many troubles over my life, most of which never happened." - Mark Twain (or Seneca, or Thomas Jefferson or . . .)
Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship. I hope you had a good week.
Mine was one of those where I feel like I was going non-stop, yet I didn't get much done. In some ways, I think I did accomplish some "big picture" things or at least laid the groundwork for them, but I didn't get around to a lot of the day-to-day work projects that I really need to get done. So, another weekend may be spent catching up instead of recovering. My own fault to some extent.
We had a good discussion last week, all extending from a fairly simple topic about spanking in front of a window. I want to thank Tina for reminding us all that while being spanked in public may be arousing to the participants, it may not be to accidental observers. It's a very good point that sometimes gets lost in this age of social media where everyone shares everything and just kind of assumes that others want to be exposed to it all. While I do think my wife and I have been perhaps a little too guarded about our DD relationship, I think it is one thing to consider exposing your own family to knowledge of the fact of a DD relationship, and quite another to simply impose it on others in a very graphic and visual way.
And what about our Disciplinary Wives? Are they anticipating the event with some glee at the prospect of giving him what he has coming?
Or, is it more business-like? Just rolling up her sleeves and taking care of a job that needs to be done? Or, to take that a step further and weave in another of Tina's questions, is it a somewhat annoying chore?
These themes are on my mind this morning, because last night after I got home from a business trip, she announced that I could expect a spanking some time today. And, yes, as usual I have gone from wanting this lifestyle and wanting it more strict, more severe, more 24/7, to really wanting to avoid the whole thing. And, that has been the entire history of our DD relationship, craving being a disciplined right up until that moment that is going to really happen. The quote from Mark Twain above illustrates how a true DD relationship really is a little outside the norm, because while many men spend their lives worrying about all sorts of bad things that never end up happening, we disciplined husbands may spend a good bit of time worrying about the prospect of painful events that are likely to become all too real!
I hope you all have a great week. If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook (tab above), telling us about your DD lifestyle or aspirations.
Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship. I hope you had a good week.
Mine was one of those where I feel like I was going non-stop, yet I didn't get much done. In some ways, I think I did accomplish some "big picture" things or at least laid the groundwork for them, but I didn't get around to a lot of the day-to-day work projects that I really need to get done. So, another weekend may be spent catching up instead of recovering. My own fault to some extent.
We had a good discussion last week, all extending from a fairly simple topic about spanking in front of a window. I want to thank Tina for reminding us all that while being spanked in public may be arousing to the participants, it may not be to accidental observers. It's a very good point that sometimes gets lost in this age of social media where everyone shares everything and just kind of assumes that others want to be exposed to it all. While I do think my wife and I have been perhaps a little too guarded about our DD relationship, I think it is one thing to consider exposing your own family to knowledge of the fact of a DD relationship, and quite another to simply impose it on others in a very graphic and visual way.
Tina also offered several topic ideas, and Anna sent me another. Two of them kind of overlapped, focusing in one way or another on sex, eroticism or arousal in DD. I do want to work those topics in from time to time, and this week's topic probably touches on them, but when I looked back at past topics, we had done some closely related topics fairly recently. I do agree with the commenters who voiced supported for recycling content, but I do want to try to space things out at least a bit. But, as I said I think this week's topic has the potential to work in those themes, as well as some bits and pieces of Tina's other suggestions.
As the title suggests, this week's topic is about what happens in our heads before the actual event of a disciplinary spanking. To varying degrees, you all obviously have a fascination with the "idea" of a real disciplinary spanking--otherwise you wouldn't have come searching for this content or return here week after week--but what happens when the idea becomes reality in that most concrete of fashions, i.e. you did something wrong, she has ordered a spanking, and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it is going to happen? Is the excitement or arousal now replaced with dread? If it's not, is that a sign that what is being delivered is not truly disciplinary or is not functioning as true punishment? Is there also some resentment if you feel the punishment exceeds the crime, and is that a thought that would occur to you at all when you are just thinking about DD in the abstract? In other words, don't we often say we want our Wives to be more strict, more severe, less forgiving, but then do those aspirations quickly dissipate as soon as she takes it there for real?
These themes are on my mind this morning, because last night after I got home from a business trip, she announced that I could expect a spanking some time today. And, yes, as usual I have gone from wanting this lifestyle and wanting it more strict, more severe, more 24/7, to really wanting to avoid the whole thing. And, that has been the entire history of our DD relationship, craving being a disciplined right up until that moment that is going to really happen. The quote from Mark Twain above illustrates how a true DD relationship really is a little outside the norm, because while many men spend their lives worrying about all sorts of bad things that never end up happening, we disciplined husbands may spend a good bit of time worrying about the prospect of painful events that are likely to become all too real!
I hope you all have a great week. If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook (tab above), telling us about your DD lifestyle or aspirations.
I see two distinct parts this week. To the second part about wanting more then yes already pushing at limits. I want to go much faster than Mrs Good Life on how and the severity of her spanking of me. I am happy to say to her she needn`t worry any firmer/harsher from her will mean the same from me when it is her turn.
ReplyDeleteThe first part is about anticipation. I have quickly settled into a pre maintainence spanking ritual. I go for a bath an hour or so before bedtime. After that relaxing soak I dress for bed and await Mrs GL being ready. She indicates its bedtime I go and sit on our bed. She does her usual bedtime routine except in one regard, that she checks the bed is stable. When she is ready she indicates she so and positions herself, I stand by her right hand side and then place myself over. In all that hour or so I have gone from cynical grown man to butterflys in the stomach first dater. Long may that feeling stay pre smacked bottom.
Mrs GL isn`t yet doing the tone of voice or words I would love to accompy my chastisement but we can work on that.
Cheers Good Life Mickey
I would say they are inter-related. The overall topic is anticipation, but part of the premise of the topic was, if you are anticipating it with anything other than dread, then it is that an indication that the severity isn't sufficient to act as a real punishment.
ReplyDeleteIndeed I suspect dread is not going to be on my radar for sometime with Mrs GL. Maybe I am missing something not fearing the spanking? When I paid a visit to a well known Kent based discipline professional my bufferflies were different but more from the unknown than concern. Cheers Good Life Mickey.
DeleteAn update on the above. She did carry through on spanking me this afternoon. I was really, really not wanting it, particularly since it had been over a month since my last one, which I knew was going to make it especially painful. And, yes, it was every bit as bad as I feared.
ReplyDelete"That has been the entire history of our DD relationship, craving being disciplined right up until that moment that is going to really happen."
DeleteI think that's the case for many men! Congratulations to you and the Mrs. Sounds like it was a good day!
CrimsonKing
Thanks, CK.
DeleteThese days, I dread discipline spankings for big stuff, but I rarely get those anymore. I now know my man means business, and that seems to be enough most of the time. We try to have regular (nearly daily) maintenance, and smaller misdemeanours or broken rules usually get dealt with right after that, kinda "tacked on" after I've really surrendered to the fact that the spanking will go on as long as he decides. That way, I'm already in a good space to accept my discipline and he usually feels I don't need a lot. Seems to work...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Willow. It sounds like you've made great progress. I guess I am a little more hardheaded!
DeleteAnother excellent topic! Dread is not what I feel, and if I did I think I would either change or stop the DD. Loving correction is the norm in our space and yes I fear the pain, the having to submit and the scolding / telling off. I do my best to postpone and avoid but we both know (usually) when a good pants down session over the bed is imminent. Of course I am nervous, butterflies - I am never sure how hard or painful it is going to be, never sure how it will feel and whether I can really take it. Sometimes it really, really hurts from start to finish, other times less so - and I can never anticipate which it will be.
ReplyDeleteShe almost never spanks when she is angry, there is always a long build up and it does often feel like the crackling tension that you get just before a thunderstorm. The build up / telling off sometimes goes on so long that I wish she would get on with it!
I get a kick out of the thoughts, the fantasy and to a point the anticipation but once the first stroke lands my most immediate thought is usually 'Why did I ever agree to this ...?' I know why, it keeps me in line, centered and our relationship where we want it but boy does it hurt sometimes ... ! TB
Thanks, TB. I suspect your experience is common to many DD men.
DeleteMe too. As soon as a spanking actually starts I am sure I am completely crazy for having this lifestyle. But after that I am not able to think much of anything.
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ReplyDeleteI guess two things here. Like I said previously , a maintenance spanking isn't too bad. The last time she was in a very good from beginning to end and even had a pleasant conversation as she was giving it. Only took maybe 5 minutes. When it was over we went on with our day as usual. It was just another routine task. However when the sentence has been handed down and it's a true punishment spanking its total opposite. She usually says " go to our room and wait. I'll be in to discuss this with you later ". Now I'm all beside myself. The butterflies in my stomach are alive. It could be a couple before she walks in with her paddle in hand. Finally when the door opens the butterflies explode and my breath shortens. I get the feeling of tachypsychia. That's when your heart rate exceeds 200 beats per minute and everything seems to go in slow motion. When she call me over and I'm in position the lecture begins. I hate it ! Then the paddling is carried out. It's always severe and very much dreaded but when finally over I feel much relieved.
ReplyDeleteBe careful, JR!
DeleteThough that's an interesting way to look at this - I'll have to have my wife check my vital signs before our next session (she's qualified). I may not be far behind you.
The dread of the paddle sure cam kick the adrenaline into gear, especially as we are struggling to neither fight nor flee - but just to obey and endure.
CrimsonKing
I was thinking about this just yesterday. You know those Viagra commercials that say, "Check with your doctor to confirm whether you are healthy enough for sex . . ." How about healthy enough not to have a heart attack from either fear or exertion when someone is whaling away at you with a wooden paddle? :-)
Delete"Check with your doctor to confirm you are healthy enough for real disciplinary spankings." Probably not going to happen for many people. But it's an excellent idea; especially for some of us older participants.
DeleteAt the very least, it would make sense to consider the effects of a spanking session in the context of there being any risk to one's overall well being. Nuff said.
My feelings leading up to a punishment seem similar to quite a few others. When I am not being punished, it is all I can think about, and I want/need to be punished. However, once I know that punishment is coming, suddenly I would be just fine with not doing it. As it begins, I find myself wondering why I could possibly want this and if I will be able to take it. After it is over, all negative thoughts are gone, and I am left feeling very loved and in love. Soon after, I am wishing that it was much more severe and imagining when and how it might happen next.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I are still quite new to doing this, but we are both enthusiastic. It is still much more of a game for her than I would like it to be, but I am very excited because she has really grasped onto the concept and loves punishing me. It makes her very hot. Also, she really likes the changes it makes to my behavior and attitude. While it might still be mostly a game, I have a feeling that as time passes, the punishments will get much more real, so it will be interesting to see how my feelings about punishment evolve as the intensity of the punishments increases.
-ZM
Your first paragraph sums up my own arc of feelings about DD exactly.
DeleteZM- You say you and wife are "still quite new to doing this". Who introduced the idea to give it a try...you or wifey?
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ReplyDeleteFunny "Susan," but you write like "Sean." Or, is it "Joseph" this week?
DeleteDan
ReplyDeleteWhen Anna and I began using discipline it was at a time that things in our marriage were rapidly falling apart. We were seeing a marriage councilor for several months when I revealed a dark secret. For several years, even beforeI had met Anna, I went to a professional domme for discipline from time to time. I seemed unable to explain why those visits at certain times in my life seemed to pull me together. Later at home Anna quizzed me about how I felt before and after a session and how much it cost. When I told her the amount she quipped and said " Hell for that kind of money I will whip your ass daily if it helps you
behave.
Her comment aroused me. I pushed about it and we tried it but it came off as play. Finally Anna presented me with a list of things I had done recently that might motivate her to punish me that way. We agreed that after the Punishment the transgressions I committed would be erased, as long as I showed an effort to not do it again.
We made a list of several of the things I was doing that she felt harmed our marriage. Briefly, as I recall the first offenses were my drinking, my lack of involvement with our sons, promises made to the boys that I seemed to break too easily etc. Because she approached this all, as a possible solution she agreed. Even went to far as to visit the professional domme I had often visited for pointers. Our end agreement was that on Fridays after the boys were off to their visit with my folks, I would be punished then for any infractions.
At first I looked forward to it but now that Anna has learned that my bottom can take harsh punishment my excitement has lessened. The first swat always a hard one and I am sorry for saying ok to this. But it works for us and therefore I like seeing how this has made Anna a stronger and more decisive woman.I am a better dad and partner.
peter
Hi Peter. I feel generally the same way. It works for us. Though while between sessions I may remain very interested in DD, as soon as she says one is coming, my interest level drops through the floor and all I want is to get out of it.
DeleteDan
DeleteSaying your interest level drops when it is about to be a reality isnt a truth . We both know its your way of keeping a sense of control and allowing yourself to continue thinking you are the man.
Anna
It seems like quite a few of the guys here feel similaarly. It isn't maintaining control, it's simply a case, at least momentarily, of DD buyer's remorse when confronted with unavoidable. certain, and potentially overwhelming pain.
DeleteJR's heart rate exceeds 200 beats per minute! A dampened wnthusiasm for DD at that specific moment seems like a perfectly logical and rational product of the survival instinct.
Hi Anna. I'm not sure those two are mutually exclusive. It may be that there is a loss of interest but that it reflects in some way a desire to keep in control. But, honestly, I think it is about the prospect of real pain. I don't recall having this feeling in the early days of our DD relationship. It started happening more after we started using rubber straps and after purchasing a couple of paddles that hurt way more than anything she had been using. Once the pain level shot up, my interest level near the time of a spanking moved in the opposite direction. Though, as ZM says, it's like amnesia sets in after it is over and a few days later I'm back to wanting her to be more strict.
DeleteI don't feel dread nor anticipation prior to a discipline spanking because they occur most times within minutes of the infraction. While not instantly as my prior Dominant, they are quite soon after the incident. There are times when I have not realized I have committed an infraction. She'll call me into an area, with implement in hand and state what I have done, or not done and deliver the punishment. I can never debate it now plead for mercy, just submit and accept. I do feel much better afterward and we both feel our DD relationship is working very well.
ReplyDeleteGood point, that dread may require some significant "stewing" period to really set in
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ReplyDeleteDan – Thanks for the topic. It’s been fun reading the responses so far. I’d like to approach the subject from my role in an FLR. I do not consider that I play a mother’s role in correcting my hubby. I punish him to change his behavior but also because I enjoy and immerse myself in the drama, dynamics and excitement of the situation. I have always loved a nicely shaped male bottom and to have the opportunity to spank my hubbies delectable butt is, for me, incredibly exciting, sensual, loving and quite candidly sexual nirvana. Even with these selfish motives I believe it is my responsibility – my duty – to ensure that when my hubby has earned a punishment that I create the appropriate atmosphere for him to prepare for its implementation. I learned early in our FLR/DD that making him wait for his punishment caused nervous and apprehensive anticipation about the severity. I believe that this is vital to his psychological conditioning to fully appreciate that his punishment will be real and it will be painful. I am naturally a loving and nurturing person and initially when my soul mate asked me to punish him for real I was very reluctant to hit him hard with the intent to cause maximum pain. Now after years of understanding how his body reacts under punishment and witnessing the cathartic effect a serious whipping has on his behavior and attitude I have no reservation in making him submit to real and painful punishment. I also believe it is my role to create the most emotionally intimidating environment at the time of his actual punishment to ensure that he understands and accepts my authority with a true sense of fear and apprehension – otherwise it may merely be perceived by him as a game. I make him wait and I then circle him as he kneels or stands naked in front of me as I scold him, advise him of his inappropriate behavior and spell out what punishment I’m about to inflict. I have to be absolutely honest the whole scenario inflames me sexually and the harder I cane him the harder I come – yes I actually orgasm while administering punishment – so does that make me a bad person? After the punishment I hug him to me and provide warm, tender and loving after care. Our life together is warm, loving, considerate, respectful and incredibly exciting. We do many vanilla type activities but we both fully recognize that this kink side of our relationship is essential to both of our psychological needs. We both still exchange our opinions of what works for each of us and I amend certain situations accordingly but in this truly loving and consensual relationship the concept of delivering a punishment can never be viewed simply as a chore for me.
ReplyDeleteHi Tina. I personally don't have any problem with admitting there is a sexual element to DD. It sounds like it is particularly strong in your case, but given that the focus is still on correcting his behavior, my personal view that is still DD and not S&M, though there clearly are no clear lines in any of this. I do see a bit more of the maternal role you mention in the first sentence coming through in my relationship. I think for both of us there is an element of something like a boy getting punished for a bad report card.
DeleteTina's remarks were much appreciated. It's great to learn some new things. Even after all these years, I never fully believed it when my wife said she found certain aspects of our DWC relationship to be a turn-on - like enjoying "playing" with my butt and "studying the effects of her work. The way Tina described her experience gave me insight into what my wife has meant by it. Thanks.
DeleteTina has made several very valid points and no one could doubt their love for each other. Just as a difference of opinion, (no body is wrong or right here), we believe waiting for punishment slightly diminishes its corrective factor. Like the old 'wait till your Father get home'. Punishment as close to the infraction as possible maximises the value of being punished. Also, we use after care as she suggests following other types of spankings, such as sensual, maintenance, stress relief, etc. but never after a discipline spanking. To each their own is one reason DD relationships are popular and work well for so many.
DeleteGood blog Dan and an interesting exchange of views. As Spanked Cowboy (SC) says nobody is right or wrong but I would like to get a little more information from SC. Could SC explain why his lady does not provide after-care following a disciplinary spanking? In our relationship I believe that once the punishment has been administered the offence has been forgiven and a lesson taught. The use of after -care indicates my forgiveness. Is the refusal of after-care a possible extra disciplinary tool?
DeleteThanks Tommy for showing that I have a kindred spirit in your wife. We ladies love playing with our man’s butts and I for one love to inspect the result of a good punishment. I’m honored to have given you an insight into how we FLR ladies may be thinking.
Dan I truly respect the relationship you have with your wife and that you revert to mother/child role during punishment but for me I can never make that transition. My husband is always my man – never my child –and we have agreed on the use of real punishment as a way to improve his behavior and maximize the love, respect and happiness between us, as two adults. It’s encouraging though that all of us on your blog have such interesting and different perspectives - which makes your blog so interesting and educational.
Tina is right, Dan, this has been a good blog. Tina, my attempt at an explanation begins with a question for you. After care indicates your forgiveness, OK, I can understand that. Are you forgiving his commission of the act or forgiving your delivering the punishment? We agree, once the punishment is over, the entire issue is over, never to be brought up again. Unless I am guilty of committing the same offense again. We feel that is one of the stalwarts of the DD relationship. An infraction is committed, the punishment is delivered and then move on. No reliving it again, no arguments, no long silent periods, no grudges, etc.
DeleteIn our relationship, the omission of after care is not an extended discipline. When we authored our agreement, we felt the punishment was the final act, in effect closing the matter. After care is important for other types of spankings.
If enjoying administering discipline means it's not sincerely done for the discipline, then enjoying a meal means you're insincere about nourishing yourself.
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DeleteInteresting observations. Thanks. To the first Anonymous I can assure you that the administration of discipline is always sincere. Just because I enjoy it makes no difference to the fact that it is a real punishment according to the agreement between my hubby and myself. Similarly I am extremely careful (and sincere) about our nutrition and we both thoroughly enjoy our meals. To the second anonymous - yes the duration and intensity is based on his offense and not on my level of enjoyment. I read his body so well these days and would never exceed an unacceptable or sadistic level of punishment solely for some personal enjoyment.
DeleteTo Spanked Cowboy. I have to smile at your suggestion that I am forgiving myself for administering his punishment - no he has committed the offence and according to our DD contract he has requested that I deal with him using corporal punishment. After discipline I forgive him his offence and like you there are no quiet tense moments between us or sulking. Quite frankly our love and trust for each other has dramatically improved since we adopted this life style and he has no guilt feelings that used to depress him.
DeleteTina, I wasn't making any statement about food, it was just an analogy to make a point and dispel any notion that enjoying it is something to feel guilty about, since you did rhetorically ask 'does that make me a bad person?'.
Delete"it does raise the question about whether the duration and intensity are based on the offense and/or need to correct behavior versus the enjoyment of the person giving it and whether the recipient is suffering more than would otherwise be necessary if the one administering it did not "enjoy" it. "
It could work in reverse as well: if you find it distasteful to administer it you underdo the punishment. That's possibly worse than excesses.
Ultimately only the disciplinarian can look into themselves and answer these questions, but IMO if they are conscientious enough to care about such a question in the first place, it would forbid the spanker from enjoying it as their troubled conscience would sully the experience if they felt they were doing it for a bad reason; they would also feel like a bad person and it's hard to be righteously dominant if you think you're being naughty yourself! The enjoyment, even sexual enjoyment would predicated on it being real discipline for real reasons, so it's a self-correcting problem.
IMO spankers should extract what enjoyment they can out of it and relish it. guilt-free.
Hi Gravano. Bye Gravano.
DeleteHi again, Tina. To be clear, I wouldn't way that I/we revert to a mother/child role during punishment. More like, I seem more aspects of a "maternal" role coming through. Our DD began with bigger "adult" problems like drinking too much. Increasingly, it has more of a tone about setting rules and standards, and keep them. Thus, the analogy to a kid bringing home a bad report card. So, I wouldn't say I become more "boy-like," so much as the structure is more like a kid being subject to a a parent's strict rules on things that don't have a negative impact on the parent, but are for the kid's "own good."
Delete"After care" isn't a big thing for us either, though there is often a period of intimacy, talking about the event, and usually culminating in sex. As I've said before, there is something about the term "after care" that is, for me, like nails on a chalkboard. And, I have no idea why.
DeleteDoes anyone get sheepish and extra obedient in the lead up to a spanking to try to buy themselves a pass or at least some mercy?
ReplyDeleteMy wife thinks I do, though I attribute it more to being more strongly attracted to her when she is being particularly stern.
DeleteI believe that many men do. Peter certain does. It reminds me always of one of my sons when he was about 4 he would do something bad and i knew cause he would always get extra sweet and want to hug me.
Deleteanna
For me, no. I screw up, I take my spanking and it is over. This sheepish or extra obedient behavior would never occur if the discipline were near the infraction. Again, only my opinion.
DeleteI've held off on answering this because a complete answer would be very lenghty and I've been trying to figure out how to be more succinct. The best way to keep this brief is to say that for me each punishment has its own 'flavor' and as such produces different feelings beforehand. I can be very meek and compliant even to a point of an odd eagerness, or very distant and grudgingly cooperative, and everything in between. To explain all the feelings and all of the situations that prompt them would take up a book chapter. But I hope this at least partially answers your question: its just different at different times and for different reasons.
ReplyDeleteGood points about punishments having distinct flavors, at lest for some. Ours tend to be pretty uniform in terms of severity. What differs is probably (a) how long I have to anticipate; and (b) my own level of contrition.
DeleteThose are factors I face as well........and they do make a difference.
DeleteWe arrived at a DD regime through playing CP games, which I initiated initially to fulfil my lifelong interest in the cane. My partner 'Mistress' embraced them fully and we both looked forward to playing out our roles, and eagerly participated in the scenes, which involved dressing up in pvc or rubber outfits and always culminated in me being caned in a highly charged sexual scene.
ReplyDeleteBut once we discussed the idea of a DD regime, things changed dramatically. Rules were introduced and punishment awarded when they were broken. There was no dressing up. No sexual play of any kind. And by now 'Mistress' had learned how to cane very effectively so the canings were not enjoyable fun any more but seriously painful experiences.
I'm not even sure she caned me any harder, nor any longer, but it was more the tone had changed and I was being caned for real faults. We approached the whole routine with much more seriousness, so the lectures became very poignant and rather humbling at times. No one likes to be told of their shortcomings especially by a partner who turned into an old school strict governess…..
Because of our vanilla lifestyles it wasn't practical to 'cane on the spot, so we set aside a Thursday to deal with my faults from the previous week. It was almost like maintenance punishment, except there would be a list of faults to deal with So I never knew the tally. I used to genuinely dread the drive home from work, feeling sick inside and very nervous, knowing I'd be caned that evening.
Going off topic now, I feel I ought to explain that our regime lasted several years and worked well for both of us - but as I've said before, it all came to a halt (temporarily, I hasten to add) when the dread came too much and I refused to accept her discipline on a few occasions. My excuse is that I had lots of outside influences to deal with at the time but I quickly realised what a stupid mistake I'd made.
We've not given up on the idea though because we still both believe that our relationship benefitted so much when we had our DD regime. If anything, I would have liked her to be more strict with me. I'm sure she would say, she'd have liked me to be more complaint to her rules.
What I did damaged her confidence so it's a case of working to get that back to a point she feels she can take full control again - and I have to learn how to submit without question again. Maybe that's a topic for discussion sometime? How to get a DD relationship back on track if things go wrong?
Hi Respecting Mistress. Could I give you some advice from a wife and woman's perspective. In our early days I had no idea how hard to punish my hubby and it took a long time for me to build up my confidence and deliver the level of punishment that he apparently expected from me. Once I hit him too hard and too high and he sprang up and said stop. At that moment I felt like crying - my confidence in my DD role was shattered and I felt I'd failed. The last thing I would ever do is really hurt him and quite frankly I simply never wanted to punish him again. Later we sat and discussed every thing that had happened. We had a frank discussion and he asked me to continue with punishments but if possible for me to try to understand his body's reaction and to gauge his emotional situation. He still expected me to punish him severely for his behavior particularly if he knew he deserved it - say for health issues, or temper - but over time I really understood his body and his emotional situation. I knew his limits and when these could be exceeded. I regained my confidence and delivered corporal punishment as needed. Now we have a wonderful strong, loving, respectful and trusting marriage. We enjoy each others company and friendship and thoroughly enjoy our life together. Please don't give up on your life style and please, please continue having open discussions with your lady. We women who really love their man need to understand we are doing it right.
DeleteRM, I remember that series of posts before you temporarily quit your blog, and I remember how angry some of the female commenters got at the pattern of you telling your wife you wanted it more severe, then every time she would try to comply with your wishes on that, you would stop the spanking. Has that dynamic changed? I have to admit, it seemed like you were putting your wife in a no-win situation in which she would do what you wanted and be strict and severe, at which point you would quit, then you would say again that you wanted her to be more severe.
DeleteDan- What an AWESOME post this week. One of the best!!!!! I wish I had gotten to reading it sooner than just getting to it today. Typically I'm religious about checking first thing Sunday AM! This topic seemed to draw out comments about how things started for couples. Particularly the several comments about how when their wives were newer to it ( i believe you and wife fall in this category) they start out looking at it more as play until they find their way and get to a comfort level and confidence to then move into the realm of giving genuine disciplinary spankings and then incorporating DD into their relationships. With the (VERY) few spanks I have received, my wife is still in the "play" mind set. My comment related to the topic is.... Its funny the one consistent thing that has occurred every single time at that moment that we were finally together and she was standing there telling me "ok.....drop your pants" and i knew i was actually was going to get spanked. She would end up laughing a bit and commenting in a surprised way on how i always at that moment look so embarrassed. i think it confuses her to an extent first that her big burley "alpha" hub is suddenly looking so boyish and embarrassed . As well as that given the fact that I'm the one that has been all over her prompted , promoted and even at times resorted to having to ASK her to do it (which i hate that i need to) that i am in the moment in a way all of a sudden "apprehensive" of whats coming. I guess from her perspective since I'm the one that "wants it" so bad she's probably expecting me to be more excited and jumping up and down saying "yippy....let's go!" and then throwing myself over the bed. She hasn't come to understand the psychological impact, the mental space the dynamic of her becoming the one in charge puts me in. Hence that element of conflicted....wanting but "dreading"
ReplyDeleteSince you've been contemplating content for future discussions,I have something i was initially hesitant to throw out there but then realized how many times in the past I've made the mistake of foolishly thinking i'm the only one thats experienced certain things. It's just a "small" question that certainly isn't a topic into itself but might be able to get touched upon as part of a larger topic. i'd be interested in hearing from others who have said that in the beginning in order to get it going, their wives needed to be able to approach it as play, ...and related to that, it also took time for their wives to finally identify or realize the aspects of it that they enjoyed which enabled them to start getting "into it". During these earlier days and stages did anyone else get to a point of experiencing periods of complete lulls when wife all of a sudden abruptly wasn't engaging just as you thought you were building momentum. Had any of you gotten to the point of frustration and at times even throwing your hands up sort of giving up that it was ever going to click for her? .
To clarify, with us there was a period when it was "play," but it was very short and we both saw it as play. It wasn't that we had agreed to DD but there was a fun or play element to it at first. Rather, the first few times we tried spanking, neither of us had even heard of DD. It was just "scening" or "funishment." It didn't do much for me, and she saw it as a possible negative, because "funishment" for bad behavior might just reinforce the bad behavior. So, we stopped entirely. Some time after that I found the Disciplinary Wives club website, which was the first time I had ever hear of DD. I showed it to her and she agreed to try it. From that point forward, it was full-on punishment spankings, other than the first few when she was trying to figure out how hard to go, and when we both still thought that OTK and hair brushes worked well. Once she got real tools, it was always hard and seriously painful.
DeleteHi Dan (& everyone),
ReplyDeleteLong time reader, first time commenter. I'm tremendously grateful for this forum. I think it's indispensable. Thanks for everything you do.
Perhaps I should say a little bit about the DD dynamic in my relationship. My partner & I have been together for approaching twenty years. I'm a hard-wired spanko who's had a passionate need to be spanked for as long as I can remember. She's a generous, empathic & loving vanilla person to whom spanking had heretofore never occurred.
We've had a long spanking journey, moving from a few swats delivered during sex to the long, painful & very real spankings that I recieve now.
We've tried a full time DD FLR, but for us, it just didn't work. It was too much pressure & responsibility for her, & on my end, for it to work, I needed more of a total commitment. So we scrapped it, & have since found a happy medium. We role play as 24/7 DD'ers, & that has worked out wonderfully for us. I'm spanked for both real & imagined infractions. The spankings themselves though are very, very real. She spanks me as hard & as long as she possibly can, with no warm up, usually using a bath brush & tawse. I also receive other punishments like mouth soaping & corner time.
We negotiate everything in advance. I send her an email detailing what I have in mind. This helps her know where my head & heart are. It simplifies it all for her in ways that make our spanking sessions far more vivid & real.
This means I always know when a spanking is coming. I find the anticipation delicious & arousing. I love spending whole days knowing a thorough scolding & spanking are coming my way. It keeps me in a suspenseful state of nebulous worry about what's to come & wild desire for her.
Even though we don't have a 24/7 FLR, the psychological effects of a spanking are nonetheless authentic & result in practical effects. In the days (or even weeks) after a spanking, I find I'm more compliant, well adjusted, happy & calm. Role play almost doesn't quite describe just what we do. I'd call it more of an FLR once removed, if that makes sense.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to chiming in here more & more going forward. Thanks again for everything you do.
Cheers,
David
Fascinating, David. a really interesting variation on the 'norm'.
DeleteI have found the topic this week to be so close to the heart of this interest.
It has led me to identify that the very best of FM fiction (which I really enjoy) is mainly about the anticipation, the build up and the thoughts inside the heads of both participants. Any recommendations (or even a topic all on it's own - hint, hint!) on where to find the highest quality of FM Fiction very gratefully received.
TB
What you describe as working for you is wonderful. It makes me feel good knowing you are fulfilled.
DeleteI hope that I am doing the correctly . For what it's worth I have been in and out of submissiveness for about fifty years. I have been in the ups and downs. I have stopped and continued more times than I care to remember. I will tell you this if you are really into D/D or FLR you will never really be over it. I am in my early 80's and still want a real discipline spanking. I have been married to the same woman for 59 years, and she is still a bit reluctant, but I love her so much ,because she at least will give into my begging. I have much to tell if you would want to hear, I have beenthroughthe early years of marriage right to the never buy green bananas . I tried to get on the private section, but was no given an invitation. I don't know about the men as much as I can probably give some valuable information to the wives that my be valuable to them through out the generations. I will have to change my email to dick3501 @gmail.com (richard)
ReplyDelete